Unexpected (or not?) Consequence

My son has repeatedly asked me if I can manage his Little League baseball team. My son started asked me when we were in New Jersey and has continued over the last month. I told my son I would be more than happy to Manage or Coach his team; however; in the back of my mind I thought this wouldn’t be as easy as just signing up to manage. My suspicions came true as I was filling out the application to manage the team when the “infamous” question; “Have you ever be convicted of a felony,” arose. I am steadfast in my recovery and the foundation of this recovery is honesty so I could not ignore this question or answer it dishonestly. I had to answer the question honestly no matter what happened next.

I did answer the question honestly and yes, it hasn’t been easy to just sign-up to manage a Little League baseball team. I spoke with one of the League’s Board Members who asked me about my felony. I explained and apparently a felony does not necessarily exclude a person from managing or coaching but it does complicate the process. I had to explain the felony and although this can be uneasy it is an unfortunate part of my past that I cannot erase as much as I would like it erased. The Board Member was very thankful for my candor; however; this does not make the decision any easier.

It really comes down to perception and there isn’t one person involved with the league that knows me. I am unknown commodity and the last thing anyone wants to do is make a decision which would make the League look bad. I do understand and I also understand this decision is completely out of my control. I can only do what I can and trust and believe everything will work out for the best. I do want to be involved with my son and his involvement with the League. This can be accomplished without being a Manager or Coach and I know everything will work out for the best.

This brings to mind the “Girl Scout Cookie incident” of three years ago when questions arose of my wife and additionally the purchasing of the Girl Scout cookies from my daughter. It really is all about public perception especially for those people who are on the outside looking in. I know this is yet another consequence of my actions and another “pothole” in my past. As I mentioned I can’t do much about the decision which will be made all I can do is stay focused in my recovery.
I am focused in my recovery and I suspect there will be more of these incidents to come. It is entirely up to me to take these situations in the proper vane which is exactly what I am doing. The past is gone but it will rear its ugly head in a somewhat unlikely event but these are the things I must deal with appropriately.

The other situation happened as I volunteered for the California Council on Problem Gambling and I am steadfast in my recovery to continue to move forward one step at a time in a positive manner. My head is held high and I know these are minor bumps in the road. I do feel bad for my son who only wants me involved with him and has no idea about the baggage I am carrying. Yes, I served my sentence but the sentence does continue but life will continue to go on and it is a wonderful life.

All of this has transpired over the past few days and I should have an answer in a few days. The evaluations for my son’s league are next week and I will be there no matter the decision. I had so many thoughts over the past few days and all I can say is thank God for the Gamblers Anonymous Program. Without this program in my life I would be completely lost and I probably wouldn’t have even had the opportunity to apply to be a Manager for my son’s Little League team.

The GA Program is amazing and this amazement was witnessed last night at the Monday evening GA Speaker’s meeting. The speaker was a person I have known for awhile through the GA Program and someone who definitely “gets it”. When I heard that this speaker would appear at the Monday evening meeting I “had” to be in attendance; I do believe there are people in GA who are leaders in recovery and this was one of those people. I have clung to people like the speaker last night and this makes my recovery that much better. The GA Program is a program of people helping other people overcome their compulsive gambling addiction and I am eternally grateful and thankful for the program and the awesome fellowship within the program.

The speaker did not disappoint and even came prepared with handouts and charts. I did learn something and I continue to learn as I progress in recovery. It is certainly a progression in recovery for me because it does keep getting better and better each and everyday.

This morning I was much too tired to workout and decided a day off would serve me well; I was correct and instead of working out I woke up my children early. I woke them up because this was the last day of summer vacation for them as school starts tomorrow. I did take advantage of the day as I spent the entire day with my family since the summer is ending for our children. We had a wonderful day going to breakfast at a “favorite” restaurant of our children and going to the movies where we took in the “American Girl---Kit Kittredge” movie. It was an exceptional day through and through and I am blessed to be able to share the day with my family.

Mondays Are Good

We returned home from Costco with a few minutes to spare before I was off to the Gamblers Anonymous meeting and my wife and children were off to church. Yes, once again I didn’t join them as I went to the GA meeting but I did mention that next week I would go with them as long as we went on Saturday as opposed to Sunday. This seemed to alleviate any concerns my daughter my have had.

The GA meeting was very good but the attendance has been off a bit over the past few weeks. I haven’t seen a new member in awhile and this is the nature of the addiction; people come people go and sometimes new members are hard to find. In this economy I can understand that even the casinos are having a difficult time. I know my previous employer has had to layoff some of its staff and that is unprecedented since they opened a number of years ago. Someone I worked closely with was part of this layoff and when I heard I was very surprised. However; in the spirit of recovery I never do know what the day will bring and yes, “things” happen”.

The meeting was very good and as always I felt much better after the meeting as opposed to before the meeting. This is not to be misunderstood because I was feeling good prior to the meeting but even better after the meeting. This is the best therapy I have ever encountered and there are meetings where gambling is never mentioned. Some of those meetings are the best because it is all about sharing experience, strength and hope. Through the program I gain experience, I get stronger and I have a whole ray of hope!!

After the meeting I returned home where we watched the Olympics as a family. The children are getting ready for their return to school on Wednesday. They have received notification of their teachers and for the first time in my daughter’s 6 year school career she has a male teacher. My son did not get assigned the teacher we would have like but was assigned another teacher who has a very good reputation. The children are looking forward to starting school and the transition should be great.

This morning my legs specifically my shins were hurting and I had a hard time getting myself to the gym. I did go to the gym because I have a “problem” with not going when I am supposed. I embarked on a 9 mile run but at the halfway point I thought I would be better served on the cycle. This was a good decision because the pain in my shins went away with the session on the cycle and I got in a good workout. While I was at the gym I spoke with a person I know who lives in our neighborhood and his son will be in my daughter’s class so my daughter will know at least one person which is a good thing.

It was on to work for the day and I am amazed as to how well things work out not only for me but in most cases. The situation I had a few weeks ago has turned completely positive and definitely for the best in every way possible. I have been thinking about the meeting I had on Saturday and a thought occurred to me early this morning on how I need to approach this. It is odd how things just pop seemingly out of nowhere and after thinking it through really do make sense. I doubt it was “out of nowhere” because in my life where “everything” happens for a reason these random thoughts also provide some clues at a Higher Power at work.

The day was very quiet at work and all of the projects I needed to tend to have been completed. Now I am just awaiting the arrival of my boss from his vacation so we can move forward. I had a good two weeks in his absence and as usual things will get even more interesting as we move forward.

Bike/Run

We finished playing golf much sooner than expected because we weaved our way through the course. I did give my daughter a few golfing pointers and also versed her on what it is like to play golf very quickly. Golf can be a very time consuming game and some rounds can take over five hours when the course is crowded. However; today since it was just the two of us we went around/through a few groups and completed the 18 hours in less than 3 hours which is extraordinarily fast. This kept my daughter interested and really all she cared about was driving the golf cart. She was very proud of her excellent golf shot but more proud being behind the wheel of the golf cart!!

Since we finished playing golf so fast we stopped to pick-up a few things from the grocery store. Money being what it which is “tight” we have let the food supply dwindle to near nothing in the house so we needed more than a few things. We only picked up a few things but everything is just so expensive now compared with only two years so 40 bucks doesn’t buy much.

It was a wonderful day with my daughter and the weekend remained focused on my children. I was due to run this morning but I like to wake up with my family on Sunday mornings I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed. I remained and woke up with my wife as we tuned in for another episode of CBS’ “Sunday Morning” program and waited for my son to come into the room. He did come into the room and we had a blast wrestling around.

My wife had to go to church this morning not to attend mass but to sign us up as a family. I still have “issues” with organized religion but I would not infringe my views on my wife nor my children. I understand the importance of going to church in the life of my wife and subsequently our children.

I have yet to attend mass with them because they have been going when I have GA meetings and my wife understands the need for me to stay in recovery which means going to meetings. This does send a strange/mixed signal to our children because they feel I should go to church with them as well. They are correct because this should be a family outing not just my wife. I need to do the right thing and I will, it is just taking me longer than it should.

My wife went to the church meeting and I decided to take my children on a bike/run. Since I didn’t get my run in this morning I thought it would be a perfect combination of me being able to run and being with my children. I effectively took my children on the same route I took “Rudy” on a few months ago. This is when Rudy had enough of running and stopped about a ½ mile away from our dear friends’ house.

The children did very well but we had to take a break at a local park so my son could play and my daughter joined him. Also as we were going along my daughter said to me, “Daddy I don’t know how you can run so far because I am having a hard time pedaling!!” She also mentioned the word “crazy” as I kept going further and further away from our house. We ended the 10 mile journey with a jaunt up a nice hill not far from our house and my son had a bit of an incident. Somehow he fell off of his bicycle and hurt his leg. I am not the most compassionate when I start getting into my running “zone” which is why I doubted the validity of his injury. I had convinced my son to get back on his bicycle and after a few minutes of pedaling his “severe” injury was a mere scratch on his leg.

I have to give credit to my daughter because she made it a point to go all the way up the hill in spite of her brother’s troubles and she was very proud to make it all the way up and all the way down. We arrived home a sweaty mess and we had to march upstairs into the shower. It was a wonderful way to spend two hours on a Sunday morning/afternoon combining two things I really enjoy; my children and running.

Everyone was cleaned up and we had some shopping to do. We hadn’t done our “Costco run” since coming back from New Jersey so we were overdue. We did some substantial “damage” at Costco and I have no idea how we could spend so much money and have very little to show for it!!! At least we have a stock of items we need and hopefully it will last more than two weeks!!!

It was yet another great day spent with my family. I had a wonderful time with them on the bike/run and we (in spite of the cost!) had a good time as a family shopping at Costco. This is what life is all about; those small moments which last a lifetime. Things are moving in a magnificent direction and I love each of these moments so much which are thanks to being in recovery. It was indeed a fantastic weekend!!!

Awesome Father/Daughter Day!!

Yesterday was spent with my children because from work we went to practice hitting at a local batting cage. As it turned out the batting cages we originally went to were closed but we were directed to another one nearby. This particular company was going out of business and yesterday was their last day so we were able to get a great deal. I probably saved at least 80% on the cost and we basically had the run of the place since no one was there. I split my time tending to both my son and daughter. I had to feed the balls in the pitching machine for my daughter and when this was done I went over to my son’s batting cage and watched him. I was also able to pitch to both my children and we had a great time.

Thankfully our children have the athletic genes of my wife’s family because my side of the equation is certainly lacking in this department. I may be able to run for a long while all thanks to my grandfather but as far as eye hand coordination this all comes from my wife’s family.

Both of our children are indeed good hitters and I was impressed with how far my daughter has come in the past two years. I have always suspected that our son had athletic ability because he has always been able to excel in most sports and he loves playing any sport. Our daughter has always had a very competitive spirit and she seems to be channeling this in the proper direction. It was a great deal of fun sharing the day with both of them.

The morning arrived and with it the weekend. Today would be a day with my daughter. She had her softball “evaluations” in the morning and my daughter was awake much earlier than normal because of the “evaluations”. She insisted I take her and no one else from the family was allowed to join us. I was very happy to comply with her wishes and we were off to the ball field early this morning.

We arrived with 56 other girls aged 10 and under for the softball “evaluations”. My daughter did not know any of the other girls but she felt very comfortable playing catch with a few of the girls for her warm-up. The event was very organized or as organized it can be with this many girls and parents on a baseball field. The purpose of the evaluation was to have teams with even ability so no team is “stacked” with talent.

Each girl was given five pitches to hit, there ground balls to field and there pop flies to catch. My daughter was one of the last girls to participate in each of the events and compared to the other girls my daughter did very well. On her five pitches she was able to make contact on each of them and not many of the other girls were able to do this. I was very impressed because this is fast pitch softball and the pitches were coming at my daughter very quickly yet she made contact. She was able to field the three grounders and make a very good throw to first base. The pop-ups were a bit of a challenge as she misplayed a few of them but overall she did very well and was very happy with her performance.

We stayed after the evaluations because my daughter wanted to tryout as a pitcher. She just started pitching at the end of last season so she does need more practice. There were a few pitchers who were throwing so hard I would have had a hard time hitting those pitches. However; my daughter’s attitude was very good and she felt great about her performance. She will have a great season and is looking forward to the start of the season in a few weeks.

After the softball evaluation I had an impromptu meeting which could lead to something very good. There are so many steps in this process I have no right going into to detail but at least I am being given an opportunity. I have no idea where all of this will end I will apply the principles of the Gamblers Anonymous Program must certainly taking it one moment at a time. The moment this afternoon was a great start and I will do my best in making this happen but I understand there are many “moving” parts out of my control so the Serenity Prayer will come in handy.

As the meeting ended I once again joined my daughter for the father/daughter day as we went to play golf. Ever since last weekend when I took my son golfing my daughter wanted me to take her golfing this weekend. Today we went golfing and had a wonderful time. Just like last week with my son we had the course to ourselves for the first few holes and my daughter hit some good shots and just like last week my daughter’s favorite part was driving the golf cart!!!

This was a wonderful father/daughter day indeed and I enjoyed each moment. Life continues to get better each and everyday and I love having my family back with me. Yes, I have missed the past two years of my children’s lives and there is no way I can get that time back. However; I can and I am making the best of everyday with them and today was a great day!!!

08-08-08 That is Really Cool!!!

With our daughter all signed up for the fall softball season we were a family of three. Our son was at a neighbor’s birthday party and we decided to utilize a gift certificate last night. Our daughter wanted to return home but she was overruled and we went to a new Mexican restaurant. The dinner was very nice and we returned home to pick up our son from the party and the night was over. I was reminded by both my daughter and son that I would be taking both of them to work with me in the morning. My daughter wanted to join me at work which meant getting up much earlier than she is used to but promised to be ready in the morning. I was not so worried about my son because he is always awake early.

The early morning came and I was up on my way to the gym. Since I missed yesterday I “had” to be there this morning to continue the marathon training regimen. I did receive a replacement pair of running shoes for the running shoes I sent back to the manufacturing. Unfortunately the running shoes I sent back were no longer in stock so my second preference was sent. These shoes are a little different from the first pair and different from my other pair. I have discovered the “performance” running shoes which are much lighter but do provide very good cushioning and support. The replacement shoes were not of the “performance” category but were still good in a different manner.

I never realized what a difference it makes in wearing the right pair of running shoes since this does affect the rest of my body. I did run in less than the perfect pair of running shoes while I served my sentence. In fact the pair I put the most miles on over the 19 ½ months was a pair I would have never purchased out here in the free world. However; the circumstances being what they were these running shoes were the best available and I was grateful to have them at the time.

I ran with the new running shoes which does take some getting used to since these are much heavier than my other pairs. I say much heavier because it is a difference of 2 ounces!!! Well two ounces is 20% of the shoes weight so as strange as it may seem this does make a difference. These shoes are much more durable than the other pairs which are a positive.

I got in a very good run and once again the hot water was out of order at the gym. I have had enough cold showers over the past two years I did not need to subject myself this morning so I headed home all sweaty. I would rather head home and take a comfortable shower than stay at the gym to take an uncomfortable shower. As I ran I thought about today’s date of 08-08-08 which I think is so cool. All this decade and into the next decade the numerology people will be having so much fun. The fun ends in 2013 but the next three years still has some of those anomalies and I see the Olympics are commencing on this very “lucky” day for the Chinese.

I said to someone the other day after I was told “good luck” that I don’t do luck and I said this with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek. However; I did mean it because I’m not sure I understand luck at all. There was a time in my life that I thought I was unlucky and other times where I thought I was lucky. Now I am neither I am. No, I didn’t forget the remainder of that last sentence and it is how I feel all because of recovery. Certain things happen and these certain things formulate my life. It is entirely up to me to deal with whatever life happens to give me in a positive manner. I continue to learn so much in recovery and this is one of the many things.

I returned home and both my son and daughter were ready to go into the office with me. My daughter surprised me with not only being awake but waiting for me in the family room. I guess she just needs an incentive and going to the office with me was this incentive. We made the short drive to the office and it was wonderful having my children with me today. They are wonderful children and were able to keep themselves occupied while I got some work accomplished. My son showed his sister how to bowl in the office and she took it one step further with keeping score on a white board.

We were at the office for a long time and both of them were great the entire time. My daughter kept herself occupied with being on the computer, reading a book and playing with her brother. My son kept himself occupied with bowling, watching a video and playing with his sister. The amount of grief my children give one another I can see through this and see that the two of them love one another very much. I know my daughter would never admit to loving her little brother but just watching them there is this unconditional bond. I do hope this unconditional bond continues on throughout the years because they have a wonderful foundation.

The day was indeed wonderful and it didn’t feel like “work” with my two children with me today. The last time I took them into work was a very long time ago and even back then I remember them keeping themselves occupied. They have grown so much since that last time but are still the same wonderful children. My wife and the rest of our families did a great job providing so much love over the past two years I am eternally thankful. I am eternally grateful for all the wonderful people in my life especially my family.

The Old "Monthly Meeting"

I am still “finessing” the new workout schedule since my long runs are now scheduled on Saturdays instead of Sundays. According to the schedule I should have worked out this morning but I don’t do so well working out more than three days in a row especially at higher intensities. I had the best intention to workout this morning which was to be followed by my “monthly reminder” meeting; however; I was much too tired and didn’t have the best night’s sleep so I took the much needed extra rest before heading off to the “reminder meeting”. This meeting is the last step in the “process” of me serving my debt and I don’t mind this meeting at all.

The dynamics of this meeting have changed dramatically over the last month. Gone are the days of being treated like a “number” as I am now treated like a person. I guess I was a bit presumptuous in the beginning as I needed to earn my place. It appears I am earning this “place” since I am now treated very well. The meeting was brief and the office was very busy; however; I was in and out in no time. The greeting was much more than cordial and apparently I am approaching a key milestone. I didn’t quite catch the explanation but something does happen (as long as things continue to go “well”) at the six month mark which will be at the end of this month.

Yes, it is approaching six months since my release and my where has that time gone. I can’t help but to think about my roommate at camp as he is approaching his release in a few weeks. I remember vividly talking about how he only had six months to go after my release and now it is almost here. I do hope he is doing well and I suspect he is eagerly awaiting his release.

I was much more fortunate having “only” served 19 ½ months while my former roommate is approaching 30 months. This is a long time no matter how it is sliced and knowing my former roommate he is counting down the days. I am sure our paths will cross once again when we are “eligible” to communicate. He was a huge part of me getting through the last six months of my sentence and I won’t soon forget those evenings where we laughed all night long. I do wish him well.

This morning was what I had envisioned a few months ago; all is very well. After the very brief meeting I was on to the office for another “fun filled day”. We were discussing it the other day as there is always “something” happening to possibly tilt the day into the negative. I am getting much better dealing with these situations and I sort of relish the situations. Today was an example of one of that something’s and the situation was handled accordingly.

It has been an “interesting” two weeks with my boss on vacation and a very fast two weeks. I believe my boss is due back sometime next week and really I would like to say things will return to “normal” but then again what is “normal”? There really isn’t a normal as the normal is something very different. I certainly don’t mind and it does keep me busy getting through the day as fast as possible. Today the day was again on warp speed and before I realized it the afternoon was upon me.

I had to complete an analysis which was a few days overdue. I am learning this business and there are something’s I just don’t understand. This was one of those things but it is not for me to question why. I had to just complete the analysis. One of the reasons I didn’t understand because the end result made no sense and getting to this end result was quite a labor intensive effort. Anyhow I did complete the analysis and it was sent off to where it needed to go.

This evening we signed up our daughter for fall softball (all thanks to my mother) and she will be playing softball starting this Saturday. My wife was a little hesitant because 5th grade (this is the grade my daughter will be entering next week) is very rigorous and softball may impede into our daughter’s studies. I took the stance that our daughter is very intelligent and she will prioritize her time. My wife agreed and we were signing up our daughter tonight. Evaluations are on Saturday and practices commence in a few weeks. Our daughter did express interest in playing softball and was very excited. We are only allowing the children one activity in the fall which we decided was a good idea.

As we were out my cell phone kept ringing and I am very fortunate to have so many dear friends. There were dear friends that called and one very interesting phone call. I am not at liberty to go into this conversation but I will say there are a Plan and a reason for everything. I have no idea where any of this will go but I should have a good idea in the next two weeks. Finally all of this has been made possible due to recovery and life is so much better in recovery.

"Go To" Much Better

Oh yes, these days are still flying by which is a great change of pace. I am doing my best to stay “present” in the day but the day isn’t staying present very long!!! This is positive in every aspect and I haven’t been this busy in quite some time. The attaining of balance appears to be an elusive pursuit; however; I am enjoying myself no matter what the day throws at me. Today I was up early once again and headed off to the gym.

My training for the Long Beach Marathon calls for running four days a week which does work very well and today was day two of running. It was an up tempo running day which means the intensity in which I run was much greater than normal and since I want to achieve a new personal best time the training intensity has gone up a few notches. I have such a respect for the elite runners because they train so much harder than I am capable of doing.

I would categorize myself as a little better than average but fall below an elite athlete. I read that Lance Armstrong (who by the way I admire probably more than any other athlete in the world) who could be considered the world’s best athlete stated; that running a marathon was one of the hardest things he has ever done and oh by the way his finishing time was a good 30 plus minutes better than yours truly. In fact Lance’s training sessions “easy” pace is a one full minute per mile faster than my “easy” pace. I certainly have no right comparing myself to the world’s greatest athlete but I do have the utmost respect for these highly conditioned athletes.

I got in a very good workout and once again I had to better the requisite training program by a mile. I do have a competitive nature and my roommate at “camp” would always point this out which I would downplay. I am more competitive with myself than with others which are why I can’t seem to stick with the training script. Today the required session called for a 4 mile up tempo run and I did a 5 mile up tempo run. I could feel this as I reached the 4th mile but just had to do one more mile. Somewhere down the road I may learn to moderate myself but this is a long road!!!

As I finished my workout it was once again off to the office. I guess having my boss on vacation has been a positive and could be the cause of why these two weeks have flown by. I have never thought of myself as a Type A personality nor have I thought of myself as a Type B personality. I think I fit somewhere (if possible) in between. However; this week I have become the “go to” person in the office and this does remind me of “days gone by” with a huge exception I am finally all here!!!

In “days gone by” I was certainly somewhere else with my mind going in a million different directions. The storm has subsided and my mind is as clear and present for the first time in a very long time. This is a wonderful way to live and as I mentioned I am enjoying each passing day!!

This evening thanks to some money savings coupons we were able to go to the Souplantation as a family for the first time in over two years. I met my wife and children at the restaurant and we had a very nice family meal. Things have changed because the last time we went as a family I had to get my son’s food and tonight my son was very self reliant. I can remember the first time we came here as a family and my son was still in high chair. That was 7 years ago and my how that time has flown by.

I surmise time will continue flying by which is why I am doing my very best to embrace each and every day. This is not a race and I finally understand that. Everything happens for a reason and these reasons are wonderful. Tonight it was great sitting with my family in a place where I sat alone not too long ago. I know I am not alone and as long as I stay focused in recovery the world is extraordinary.

Who hit the "fast forward" button???

Where are these days going???? It seems that there aren’t enough hours in the day lately. It wasn’t so long ago that I longed for these types of days as the 24 hour period would just meander but now someone has hit the “fast forward” button. I would be able to write this blog in the present on the actual day now I am falling behind. I guess my long windedness is catching up to me!!!!

Last night I did not attend the Monday evening topic Gamblers Anonymous meeting because I had volunteered to chair the meeting tonight. In my ever reaching quest for balance I wanted to go down to two GA meetings per week instead of three and four. This meant leaving work and going home instead of going to the GA meeting. I did make my way home and only my wife was home. The children were just departing to their friends where they would go fishing.

Yes, they were going fishing in a nearby lake and this would mark their first time fishing. As my wife and I looked over the disorganized garage we talked about what should be done. The focus was on having a garage sale this weekend but that is not going to happen since we are not ready. The principles of recovery are in play as we unpacked the many boxes and my wife will implement the strategy of taking one room at a time.

She has been knocking herself out scrambling for the garage sale this weekend. The reason for the garage sale is many of our neighbors will be partaking and it sort of made sense for us to join in. However; in order for us to unpack properly and discard the many items we no longer need we will postpone our garage sale a few weeks. This seemed to be a relief for my wife and I know everything will get accomplished in due time.

As we were eating dinner a text came over my wife’s cell phone. It was a picture of our son catching his first fish and a few minutes later came another picture of my son with another fish. Apparently my son had quite the evening catching fish as he was the only one of the four who caught anything and he had caught three fish. All he used was a string with a piece of bread and the little Blue Gills were “reeled” in!!!!

I met my son and daughter at our dear friends’ house when they came back from fishing and my son was very proud. The really cool thing was my son wasn’t too proud and seemed to take all in stride. Yes, he caught the fish when the others didn’t catch anything but he was not boastful which I thought was very good. I walked home while my son and daughter rode their bikes and they most definitely had a great evening.

The evening came to end as we got home and the children showered. This all goes back to my original thought of where the days are going. Just like that the day was over and we were in bed drifting off to sleep. This led to me getting up and going to the gym just like I did yesterday. I got in a very good workout and it was off to work. Work has been extremely busy since I got back from our trip which is a good thing but there are so many “other” issues that are testing my positive attitude.

I started this job five months ago and I was grateful for the opportunity. I am still grateful for the opportunity but if things weren’t what they are I wouldn’t be in this position. More specifically; if things were “normal” at work I wouldn’t have had a job so there was a need on both sides of the equation. However; my patience is being tested and with the financial obligations mounting I’m not sure how long I can last. I would love this to work out because everything (with one major drawback) about the position is great. I know there is a plan here and I will follow this plan as I have over the past three plus years.

The day whizzed on by and it was time for the Tuesday evening GA meeting which I had the honor and privilege to chair. The “big shots” as one member stated where at the business meeting of Gamblers Anonymous so attendance was down. In spite of the down attendance the meeting went well and it was one of the faster meetings. I don’t know if what I do is proper because when there is a smaller than normal turnout and I am chairing I forego the break which accelerates the meeting.

The meeting lasted 45 minutes and I did get something out of it. It truly is an amazing program and continues to save my life each and every day. One of my dear friends in the program attends this meeting on a regular basis and it is always a pleasure seeing this dear friend. It was a very good meeting.

Reality isn't so Bad

My son was incredible as I sat in the Gamblers Anonymous meeting. I was somewhat expecting him to enter the room while the meeting was going on but apparently he has become quite comfortable in the office. He knows where the refrigerator is and where I keep the pretzels. This is all he needed as he watched a couple of Disney Channel programs on the computer.

The door to the meeting room did open halfway into the meeting but it wasn’t my son. He was safely tucked away in my office drinking root beer, eating pretzels and watching the computer, not a bad life!!! By the way my son was asked if he wanted to stay for the meeting and his reply, “I don’t want to stay for the boring meeting!!”

This comment does make sense for a seven year old and may make sense to other people who are not recovering from a compulsive gambling addiction; however; it does not make sense for me. These meetings are vital and the only way I will be able to stay away from gambling. I tried the alternative which was will power done by myself and it led me to places I never thought I would be in a million years. I will continue to go to these anything but boring meetings since I never know what is going to be said. Last night the theme was the importance of Gamblers Anonymous.

In my short time in the program I have seen so many people enter the room and never come back again for whatever reason. I have also seen people come in the room and come back a considerable period of time later in worse shape than the first time. I know I was given a few “warning shots” prior to my ultimate fall from grace due to my compulsive gambling addiction and none of those except for the last “warning shot” brought me to Gamblers Anonymous. I am eternally grateful to the program for providing me a better way of life and this is very important to my growth.

I am in recovery and I understand there is no such thing as a “recovered compulsive gambler”. The program of Gamblers Anonymous does not teach people to gamble “normally” rather it teaches our wonderful members to live a better life and in that better life there isn’t any gambling whatsoever. I know a longtime member who proposed “Controlled” Gamblers Anonymous which didn’t last very long and I can understand why. I am conditioned and wired to gamble compulsively. I thought I could control the gambling but in the end gambling controlled me. Now with gambling out of the picture everything in my life gets better each and everyday.

Last night concluded a wonderful Sunday from start to finish. I had a great day with my son and even attended a GA meeting to maintain some of the balance I am seeking. I was up early this morning to officially start my training for the Long Beach Marathon in October. I have once again sought the assistance of Runner’s World on-line which provides a wonderful training program. I have decided to be a little more aggressive with my training regimen in hopes of qualifying for the Boston Marathon. I didn’t realize until well after I finished the San Diego Rock n’ Roll Marathon that I was a mere 5 minutes away from qualifying for the Boston Marathon.

I couldn’t have made up those five minutes if I knew about the qualifying time but it does show me I am right there on the cusp. As long as I continue the training I have a very good opportunity to better my time. I have decreased my times considerably over the six years since I started running marathons taking almost an hour off of the time of my very first marathon to my last marathon. I know I have a better time in me because I started to fade in the last marathon and with a little “tweaks” to my training regimen I should be in the neighborhood.

Yes, today was the first official day but I have been maintaining my conditioning since my last marathon so getting into the swing should be seamless. Seamless it was as I went for an “easy run” of 9 miles at a little faster than my previous training regiment. I have a habit of running the last mile of any training session faster than the previous miles no matter the distance. This is my twist to the posted training regimen and something I enjoy doing. I enjoy it because it gets my blood pumping even more and the sweat just rains down as I finish the run. This was the case today and I felt very good with the “easy run”. This training session is much more aggressive and I am looking forward to working out that much harder.

The day had begun and instead of going into the office I had an “appointment” or more precisely an “interview” to attend. I have to look for another job because my current position has its “challenges”. I am so happy for the opportunity but with my family now back I have some real financial responsibilities and I have to a job I can rely on. I’m not sure if the interview I went on today was a job I can rely on but my options are indeed limited. Most of the opportunities (such as today) are sales job based solely on commission which can be daunting. However; with my current position I am forced to look for something else.

The interview today was very interesting because it was a sales job selling art to business and personal residences. The owner of the company met with me for a whole 3 minutes and according to him “really liked me”. I have a fairly good ability to “read between the lines” and know why he “really liked me”. I was the oldest person in the waiting room by at least 15 years and I didn’t have any visible tattoos!!

The owner’s philosophy is a good one for him as he is hiring a sales force to sell this art work and my guess is 10% of the people he hires will indeed work out. It is a game of numbers and his risks are limited because there isn’t any salary just commission. I was invited back to spend a day with a “top producer” next week and I am not sure whether or not I will pursue this any further.

I know my options are limited at best since my field of expertise has been prohibited due to my transgressions. I know there is something out there and I have a clear picture of this in my mind. No, it isn’t selling art but I have to find something to pay the bills. I am working on what will be a career for me but this will take time so in the meantime I need to find something. I will and I know everything will be great as it has been great over the past three years as I move with recovery.

Sunday Son Spectacular!!!

Waking up on a Sunday morning such as today is pure joy!!! I have waited for these Sunday mornings for the past two years and the past two Sundays have been glorious. I have changed my exercise schedule so I will be home on Sundays and this does give new meaning to “family time”. Our family situation could not be any better and this includes the housing situation as well. The house we are living in is very similar in so many ways to our previous house both in terms of location and setup of the home. There are some days where I have to remind myself we are in a new home because the master bedrooms are very similar. Now waking up on a beautiful Sunday morning and having my wife turn the television on to CBS’ “Sunday Morning” show is wonderful.

My son made his usual appearance crawling into bed with us and instead of nudging his way in between my wife and me he purposely positioned himself next to me away from my wife. Today would be a day we would spend together and my wife would spend it with my daughter. My son had been questioning me since yesterday as to what we would do today and my answer was “will see?” Earlier in the week I had mentioned about possibly attending a major league baseball game to my son who was very much interested. However; after further research even with deep discounted tickets the cost was much too prohibitive.

I did receive an email for tickets to a Los Angeles Dodger game that were discounted 50% and did think about attending. I even researched the “all you can eat” ticket because my son loves baseball and he also loves to eat. This would have worked out for my son but he would have had to sit in this section by himself because the “all you can eat” would not have worked out for me. I think peanuts were the only food I would eat and even though my son has a voracious appetite I doubt he could eat enough to justify the ticket cost. I started to think how much everything would cost and it certainly didn’t make sense. I broke this news to my son yesterday and he was okay with it as long as we were going to do something.

That something in his mind was playing golf. He started last night asking me and continued the first thing this morning. I have enjoyed taking both my daughter and son golfing in the past but usually those were very slow times for the golf course near our house and not on a weekend day. Sundays are busy days for most golf courses even in this economy and I thought getting out today would be difficult at a reasonable. I assured my son I would check on the internet if there were any tee times available and he wanted me to check as soon as he entered the room.

I was able to buy a few hours before checking the internet and in the mean time we had a very lovely family breakfast minus my daughter. My daughter is well on her way becoming a teenage because as much as my son loves to eat my daughter loves to sleep. She has been going to sleep much later than she should which does make her sleep longer in the morning. This morning she was fast asleep as the three us had breakfast. My wife wanted to wake her up and with my “libertarian” approach I convinced to let our daughter sleep as long as she wanted. My wife gave in and woke her up because it was getting much too late to be sleeping.

As my wife went to wake up our daughter I did check the internet for some tee times and as I suspected I couldn’t find any discounted rates. This seemed to disappoint my son; however; I did find a very reasonable rate at a local “executive” style golf course which would be perfect for taking my son. He was very happy and wanted to leave the house right then and there even though the tee time wasn’t for another two hours. Once again I was able to calm my son down and we departed the house an hour later.

We arrived at the golf course and my son maintained his wonderful enthusiasm. He did ask me a peculiar question as we drove to the golf course. He wanted to know if we would “pass out” playing golf because it was so hot. It really wasn’t that hot with the temperature in the 90’s and I have played in much worse conditions which I explained to my son and the fact that he would need to drink a great deal of water. I’m not sure where this question came from and lately I have noticed many more “deep” inquiries from my son as opposed to two years ago.

The two years has given my son a deeper maturity and yes, he is only seven years old but there seems to be a big difference in him being 7 as opposed to 5. I love these interactions and I loved the fact that I was on a golf course with my son. My son has a much better athletic ability than I had at his age and for that matter he has much better athletic ability I have at my current age!!! I made it a point to myself to ensure my son would have fun all day long and he had a great time. There wasn’t anybody on the course in the first ten holes so I let my son take as many swings as he needed. I even let him drive the golf cart which was a highlight for my son.

I was able to swing the golf club and on one hole I made an errant shot much to my dismay. I expressed my dismay and my son rightfully said, “Dad it is only a game!” Wow he is so right and he has such a great attitude. On one hole my son made a very good swing but the ball went right into the lake and he said, “I’m not mad, oh well”. I was blown away by these two comments and this is a far cry from his sister who constantly beats herself up when she does something wrong. My daughter is very competitive and I thought my son had shown those same competitive juices the last time we played golf but he has changed for the better. What a great child he is and he did remind me it was all about having fun.

We had a wonderful day on the golf course and the ladies in the family had a wonderful day shopping for school supplies. I thought the golf game would take much longer than it did but we were home well before the Sunday evening Gamblers Anonymous meeting. My wife and daughter weren’t home and I took my son to the meeting so my wife didn’t have to hurry home. My son didn’t actually attend the meeting; he stayed in my office and passed the time on the computer. I have always been blessed with an exceptional family and I am finally appreciating every moment. It was a great day!!

Can't Run from my Past

It was a very fun evening and having our first “guests” (which really shouldn’t be categorized as guests since they are extremely good friends and more like family than friends) went very well. The evening and the day came to an end. I was up early this morning because I had a full day planned. I was up early so I could get to the gym and do a very aggressive 12 mile run in preparation for my marathon training which commences next week.

The run went well and I was even able to carry on a conversation with a good friend of mine. This conversation was very bizarre because my friend was asking about something I thought he shouldn’t be even considering. I couldn’t make any difference so I just listened. I understand that everyone has their own ideas and who am I to “talk” anyone out of anything. I did attempt to make some sense but when a person’s mind is made up a person’s made is most certainly made up.

As the run ended I showered and started my Saturday. Today was the day of my first Board meeting with the California Council on Problem Gambling. The meeting was taking place in a casino about an hour and a half away from where I live. It may seem strange that this meeting would take place in a casino but upon further inspection it makes a great deal of sense. Most of the funds for this association come from the casinos and this could be construed as the “fox watching the hen house” but in the world of politics and this is politics there are some strange bedfellows. It is not for me to question why because the association would not be in existence if it weren’t for these funds.

I made the drive and parked the car. Unfortunately I parked on the wrong side and had to walk through the casino to get to the meeting rooms. I didn’t have any urges walking through the casino but I did have some regrets. I lost a very good career in this same industry and walking through did break back memories. Yes, my life is now better in recovery and this is what I focused on as I made my way to the meeting rooms.

I located where the meeting was being held and I was a few minutes ahead early. I met with one of the principals on the elevator. I have known this person for the past three years and was one of the reasons I was even at the meeting. I was excited about the meeting and looked forward to the start. Slowly but surely the board members entered the room and I knew about half of those members and the other half I have met in other venues.

The meeting started and I was not disappointed. The agenda called for six hour meeting and I was worried the board meeting would become a “bored” meeting. It wasn’t boring in anyway and I learned a great deal during the day. At the end of the meeting came the time for me to tell a little bit about myself and why I wanted to be a board member. I gave the much shortened version of my story and focused on the past three plus years as I progress in recovery. I was nominated for a seat on the board and I had to leave the room as the members discussed my possible place on the board.

I was outside in the hallway much longer than I anticipated and had a feeling what was going on inside of the room. I guess my position is “unique” and I didn’t hold anything back when I gave my background because there are no secrets in my recovery. Yes, I am an ex-felon who stole from a very prominent casino in Southern California which is a donor to the association. I certainly don’t want to upset the “apple cart” and I do understand politics. One of the board members came out and told me what had transpired inside the meeting room. I was told that there isn’t one person on the board that was against me being on the board; however; the legal counsel must be contacted because of my “felony” status and also the executive committee must make a decision on whether or not it makes sense for me to be on the board in hopes of not offending the prominent casino operation where I committed my transgressions.

I was very happy to hear a candid recap of what was said and was very grateful for the opportunity to attend the meeting. I want to help not hurt the council and if I were on the council it could possibly have ramifications. I was told that in a few weeks I will be contacted if I can be on the council and the next part would be a vote in the next meeting in December. The process is being nominated at one meeting and being elected in the next so this is the protocol. I don’t mind and if this isn’t meant to be than it isn’t meant to be.

I have no right nor will I be angry for these circumstances these are things I must deal with and I will. I was greeted with nothing but well wishes when I reemerged in the meeting room. Everyone was very positive and I couldn’t have asked for anything else. I will accept whatever happens and move forward from there. At the very least I had an experience which does help my recovery and I know as long as I stay focused in recovery my life continues to get better.

My Son at the Office

My son has been asking me ever since we returned when I was going to take him to work with me. This was a very critical thing for him and he wouldn’t stop asking. In previous years I had taken both my son and daughter to work with me on several occasions. Most of those occasions were on the weekend and I was always amazed how the two of them stay occupied. I have never had the most “glamorous” job in fact the offices where I have worked have been very ordinary.

The offices may have been ordinary but my children made the most of the “ordinary” environment. They took great pleasure in drawing on the whiteboard I had in one of my previous offices and this must have stayed with them as they asked if I had a whiteboard in my current office. I don’t have a whiteboard in my current office but this didn’t stop both my children from wanting to go to work with me.

This morning I was extremely tired and decided I was better served taking an hour extra of sleep instead of making my way to the gym. Yesterday I discovered that there is a marathon in October located in the city of Long Beach, California. The National Council’s Conference was in Long Beach at the end of June and ever since that Conference I realized Long Beach is a very “neat” city.

Running a marathon in this city would be very much like San Diego in terms of weather and according to the course description there isn’t much of an elevation change during the 26.2 miles. The only issue is the marathon will be held on our anniversary weekend and I don’t know how keen my wife would be with me running a marathon on this particular marathon. I did ask my wife and sought her permission but I didn’t get the warm and “fuzzys”. This wasn’t due to the fact that the marathon is held on our anniversary but a cost issue. This is a very real concern because money is certainly an issue. It would be great to run the marathon and I will start training for it next week; however; if I don’t get to run in it so be it. I like having a goal and I do know what is will be no matter what.

Now that I had a goal in mind I started training a little harder yesterday which was a direct result of my being tired. I contemplated staying in bed much longer than usual but when my son entered the room I knew right then and there that I would be taking him to work with me. I asked my son and his eyes lit up. He got dressed so quickly and kept asking me when we were leaving.

After we ate breakfast we did depart for the office and my son had seemingly a “million” questions as we made the short drive to the office. He was concerned with the color of the building and when we pulled up he remarked, “oh your building is that color?” Yes, the building is a drab white which looks like many other office buildings. This office was a bit different from my previous offices since it wasn’t attached to a hotel/casino. I certainly have lost any “glitz” but this didn’t seem to matter to my son.

We entered the office and since it is a Friday there was only one other person in the office. My son who isn’t shy quickly introduced himself and moved toward my office. We entered my office and he was a bit under whelmed. I showed him a few things and then started what I needed to do. At first my son remarked he was bored but then his imagination started to take hold. He created his own golf, bowling, and baseball and basketball game in the hallway. I was once again amazed how he could make the very best of the situation. My son even tried his hand at a very old fishing video game. He was so happy to be there and kept himself occupied the entire time. Other than in the first few minutes my son was not bored at all and wanted to come back next Friday.

It truly was so cool to have my son at the office with me and witness his creativity. In the past I wasn’t genuine when I took my children to the office but now in recovery and knowing how fleeting life can be I love these moments. We stayed at the office much longer than I anticipated and that time did go by so quickly. It was such a great half day of work and a day I would take any day of the year.

Last night we had our first guests come over for dinner in our new residence. We still have many boxes to empty but my wife wanted our dear friends to come over for dinner. The kitchen area is just about complete so having our dear friends over for dinner was a possibility. We did have them over and we had a great time. Our families get along so well and these are very dear friends.

I have written about my complete lack of having artistic ability especially when it comes to drawing. Our dear friend has always joked about my inept Pictionary playing and brought the game over last night. I am a terrible player because I cannot draw. I have the picture in my head but something happens when I start moving my hands. Anyhow a remarkable turn of events happened when the team I was on won the game. I usually lose because I am a handicap to anyone on my team but for some reason the stars must have been all aligned last night. We not only won but won by a large margin. There were so many laughs (most at my ineptitude) but I was happy to provide the entertainment!!! It was a wonderful day from beginning to end.

No Conundrum Too Big

I was reading some old and I do mean OLD postings a few days again. It really is hard to believe that I started this blog over three years ago as I progress in recovery. I noticed that over the past two years especially as I served my sentence the postings have gotten longer and longer. I do understand why I became “long winded” in prison because I didn’t have much to do but this style has carried over the last five months. Really I didn’t have much to do until my family returned and now maybe just maybe I will return to less descriptive missives. Who knows it seems I have a lot say and that doesn’t mean I have a lot to say!!!!

Today was one of those long days and with “top management” on vacation at the office I have become the “go to” person. My ego does relish this role and I must be able to keep it in check. This is what got me into trouble in the past and hopefully now I will be more mindful. I have had to make some decisions this week and some of those decisions weren’t very popular. The position I am in is to say the least very “interesting” in so many ways. I had no idea how a counseling business was run when I started five months ago and really I still have no idea!!! Okay that was an attempt at humor because I have some semblance of how the business operates.

I have worked in a variety of businesses and my main area of business has been the gaming industry. However; really when it comes down to it all businesses are the same. With the exception of governmental entities which are the total opposite of running a business essentially business models for all industries are the same. It is a simple equation; have more revenue company in than expenses flowing out. Also my background has been in the accounting end of things I have witnessed these things firsthand.

I worked for a start-up casino when we lived in Las Vegas and contrary to popular belief not all casinos make money. This particular casino actually had to file for bankruptcy protection and was later sold at a much discounted rate. The management at the casino did most everything wrong starting from the marketing angle to the customer service angle. The philosophy was “if you build it they will come”. Well it was built and no one came because the customer base was alienated. It was due to this failure that I found myself moving to Southern California but that is how life works. There is a plan for me and it wasn’t necessarily a plan I have implemented from the start.

There are so many small things that affect the big picture and having worked at this failed casino was one of those small things. I met many talented people and became friends with them at the time; however; life always seems to move on. Whether this moving on is positive or negative is completely up to me. I continue to learn this philosophy and embrace it one day at a time.

I lost my initial train of thought so please forgive me; back to the “business models” of having more revenue than expenses. This is a very simple equation and some where along the way people do lose track. I have witnessed in these past five months that it isn’t easy running a small business especially when expenses exceed revenues. I do have some expertise but I am not a magician. I can only do what I consider to be the best of my ability and I won’t stop doing this no matter the circumstances.

In recovery I understand that tomorrow is not promised to me and I don’t know what tomorrow will bring which is why I do my very best today. I know doing my very best does bring about a bright beautiful future; however; there are so many other variables beyond my scope of influence. These variables can cause negative ramifications but again it is my attitude that determines how these ramifications will affect me.

Over the past two years and even in the three plus years of my recovery I do my very best to be mindful of what is and what isn’t important. Money is a tricky aspect to this perplexing conundrum. “Lack of money” is the root of all evil and I can understand this saying. However; the pursuit of money can all be the root of evil.

Money is necessary in our society to live because without it and not being in communal society living is extremely difficult. I know that I just need money to provide for my family which consists of having a roof over their heads and food on the table with clothes on their backs anything else is a “do-dad”. It has taken me what can be construed as a lifetime to fully understand this concept but slowly and surely I am grasping it.

Great Email!!!!

There was an earthquake yesterday a few minutes before noon and now that I am a “seasoned” west coast veteran I realized as soon as the shaking started. There was shaking, rattling and rolling which lasted all of a few seconds. I thought that it was a much bigger earthquake because this was the biggest earthquake I have felt in the 14 plus years of living on the west coast. Fortunately the damage of the 5.4 magnitude quake was minimal and no one was injured.

There seemed to be a great deal of concern from friends and family not living in the area since I received a few emails and telephone calls. My wife and children were safely tucked away at the beach and didn’t feel a thing.

I have to share this email I received yesterday from a dear friend who was inquiring about the earthquake; “Did you feel the earthquake?? Everything okay?? I know you two (my wife and I) haven't been together for awhile. But come on give me a break... talk about making the earth move!!!!" I nearly fell off of my chair!!!! This was so funny and my dear friend is always sending emails like this; wow I had a great laugh. Again fortunately the damage of the earthquake was minimal and it is a reality living in Southern California.

Where we live in Southern California does reside on two faults but I really pay no attention until something like yesterday happens. I watched the late local news and I it was a good thing the earthquake happened because I don’t believe there was any other news!! The newscasts were devoted to the earthquake and remember there was no major damage. It was like beating a dead horse and I can only imagine how much more coverage there would have been if damages had occurred.

Yesterday evening I did go to the Tuesday evening GA meeting because I wanted to see a dear friend. This is the same dear friend who has gone out of their way for me while I was in prison. This dear friend is a regular attendee at the Tuesday evening meeting and it was important to me to see them.

With my impending new GA meeting schedule I won’t get to see this dear friend on a regular basis but I will make it a point to get to at least one Tuesday evening meeting per month. In fact last night I volunteered my services to Chair next week’s meeting because the regular Secretaries are going to the business meeting of GA. It is my pleasure to assist and it is the least I can do for a program that continues to save my life.

The meeting was good and I have to remind myself of one of the very best mottos in the program; “principles before personalities”. There are many personalities that make up a meeting and that is just like life. However; the principles of the program is what continues to enrich my life. If I start nitpicking the idiosyncrasies of my fellow members I am going against the principles in the program. The key principle is to recover from a truly baffling insidious addiction. I know I cannot do this myself and the moment I think I can I am doomed. I am eternally grateful to the Gamblers Anonymous program and the wonderful people.

The meeting was over and I went over a very dear friend’s house to help them out. This is the same dear friend who gave me shelter prior to the arrival of my family. I do miss our nightly talks and last night we had a mini-talk which of course had to do with recovery. I was more than happy to assist in the minor task and this is certainly the least I can do.

After this it was time to head home where my son was having a friend sleepover and my daughter was sleeping over a friend’s house. Things are transitional very well and my wife and children are making up for lost time of being away from their dear friends. It is amazing how everything is coming together so nicely.

This morning was a day off from the gym since I went to sleep very late due to the incessant earthquake coverage. I was up at a reasonable hour and was able to hug and kiss my wife and son goodbye for the day. I headed over to the office where things are very interesting.

There is no need for me to go into details because truth is certainly stranger than fiction. I didn’t have a particularly great day because one of those “business” moments occurred. I had to do something I hadn’t had to do in quite sometime and this is never a pleasant thing. I summoned up all that I have learned in recovery and in business and went ahead with the task.

It is so hard when people say “it isn’t personal it is just business”. This to me is cold and callous but sometimes very necessary to survive. I do believe in any situation I have been in having to deal with business matters does cross the line into personal. Being in business and having a job is part of most people’s daily lives which becomes extremely personal. Difficult decisions are made and hopefully I handled today’s difficult decision to the best of my ability.

Impending "Balancing" Act

Here it is another work week and my first full week of worth this month. I have a very understanding employer and was able to get the time off so I could gather my family while spending a glorious two weeks as we traipsed across the country. Now it is back to work and yesterday I was able to get through some of the things that I have been lingering on my desk. I am very grateful for the opportunity to be employed because if it weren’t for my employer I have no idea where I would be.

The place is ideal in so many ways since it is only a few miles from our home. I have been thinking about purchasing a bicycle since it is that close to home and even with the falling gas prices (gee now we are “only” paying closer to $4 a gallon, what a bargain!!) it does make more sense to ride a bicycle. The route to our office is heavily congested so I have been somewhat reluctant to make the leap to a bicycle but it may make more sense. Anyhow the office is an interesting place and there is no shortage of “drama”. Thankfully thanks to recovery and the fact that I have spent so much time away from my family while being “locked” away from the free world I have developed a “drama-free” attitude.

This attitude can almost be construed as ambivalent but that is not my purpose. I have come to terms with what is and what is not important. Anything outside of harm to my family fits into the latter category. I do need to provide for my family and the discussion of what would you do with $10 million came up today and my response is “this just doesn’t matter”. There is a purpose for money because as a society everyone needs this to function yet my perspective has changed over the years.

Life was very simple in prison as the meals were provided and I had no choice on what to wear. The decision making process was very limited and this is by design. Now out in the “real” world the decision making process is a bit more complex but I am doing my best to keep it simple. I go about my daily routine and yesterday was a different type of day since I really didn’t see much of my family. I stayed at the office for a long day and attended the Monday Evening Gamblers Anonymous Speaker’s Meeting. These are usually very good meetings and yesterday’s was no exception.

The speaker was a relatively newer member with a very interesting perspective on their addiction. The only requirement for Gamblers Anonymous is a DESIRE to stop gambling and this member certainly has that desire. Often times in GA there are bragging on who lost the most amount of money but really money is not the issue. Money is only a conduit or facilitator of the compulsive gambling process. Of course money problems arise for just about everyone who enters GA but over time the money problems are eliminated and hopefully if the member really works the program character defects are turned into character assets.

I enjoyed listening to the speaker because it brought a different perspective yet there were similarities to my own story. One direct similarity was being immature and I have been immature ever since I started gambling. I may appear to be mature in many aspects but not when I was gambling. I wanted the easy road or the path of least resistance but in reality this turned into the hard road and the road with the most resistance. Thankfully in recovery I have discovered and continue to discover the road to a beautiful life. It is indeed beautiful as my family came home last night after visiting dear friends and sit with me as we talked. It was a joy tucking in my daughter and son while speaking with them.

The blessings in my life are plentiful and as I mentioned previously have always been there but I was blind. The blindness has subsided with enormous beauty in the three wonderful people who now reside with me. I am so fortunate and I am fully enjoying each and every moment.

This morning I was up early but not as early as yesterday because I was tired. My wife even commented (which was a big deal at that hour) that I was leaving later than usual. I just smiled and said, “Yes”. I did make it to the gym this morning and I am developing a new workout schedule. I am going to eliminate one day of working out on the weekends and may even eliminate both days. The weekends are made for family time and I don’t want to encroach on this time.

As I mentioned earlier our schedules are about to get busy especially if I embark on my intended path. This coming Saturday I have my first Board Meeting for the California Council on Problem Gambling which lasts most of the day. It is going to be interesting balancing all that is headed my way but I will approach it as I approach recovery; one day at a time. As for now I will continue embracing every moment because these moments are indeed wonderful.

Best of "Both" Worlds!!!

Late yesterday afternoon meant it was the return for me to Gamblers Anonymous. I have made a commitment to myself and to the Program to attend at least one full meeting per week and hopefully two. I see some very busy times on the horizon as yesterday I signed my son up for fall baseball and he also expressed interest in playing football and soccer. I think football is a bit premature but he is a very good soccer player.

I’m not sure if playing two sports would be too much of a time constraint for him and us as a family. Also the cost of these sports must be taken into consideration because it certainly isn’t cheap. Finally I have volunteered myself to be a manager in the fall baseball league at the request of my son and when I told my wife she asked if I were “crazy”. I may not know what I am getting myself into but I think it will be fun.

In the meantime I have a commitment to my recovery which includes going to meetings. I doubt I can no longer effectively attend four meetings per week because that maybe counterintuitive to recovery. The “combo” book (the Bible in GA) suggests attending at least one full meeting per week and this is what I am going to do. My one full meeting a week will be Sundays because for some reason this meeting seems to make the most logistic sense. It is at a time where there shouldn’t be any sports or other activities going on and I can be home in time for a nice family dinner while putting the children to bed.

After a three week absence (my goodness those three weeks fly by!) I returned to the GA meeting and what a great meeting. Thankfully the air conditioner has been fixed in our offices because it makes such a big difference. The meeting was well attended for a Sunday evening and there were some familiar faces and some new faces. The bottom line for me is this program works and continues to save my life. I never know what I am going to hear at a meeting and last night was no exception. There were powerful sharing and therapies. I am eternally grateful for this program and how it continues to enrich my life.

At the time I was headed to a meeting my wife was taking the children to church. My wife understands the importance of GA to me and I understand the importance of attending church for my wife. It probably could be better if we could attend church as a complete family but I am working on this character defect. Last night it worked out very well because we were all gone for about the same period of time. I think we all came back feeling better than when we departed especially my son who apparently took a nap during the church service. He did have a hard day riding his bicycle for the first time and he certainly came back rejuvenated.

I do and I this is not an understatement; I love the GA Program and all that is associated. I cannot recover from my compulsive gambling addiction on my own and I feel so bad for people who are suffering this same disease and don’t have access to Gamblers Anonymous. This is a great program which works very well for me the words of a dear friend still ring true three years later as he stated, “I better be attending GA meetings 10 years from now”. It isn’t 10 years from now but those 10 years will creep up one day a time and as long as I continue doing what I am doing which is participating in the GA Program everything will be great. It is great because yesterday I had the best of both worlds; my family and GA for the first time in a very long time. This is an incredible combination!!!

The evening came to an end but not before I had a game of catch with my son in the front of the house. My goodness he has grown up in these past two years and now we can stand about 15 yards a part and play catch with a football. My son loves his sports and now it appears he loves his bicycle because after playing catch for about 20 minutes he asked me if he could ride his bicycle up and down the block. I said, “Yes” and his little face lit up. He proceeded to go up and down the block until it became too dark to do anymore. We then went inside for a snack and recap of the glorious day.

I too was exhausted as I went to bed. I must have fallen asleep in a matter of seconds when my head hit the pillow. I have found that I am falling asleep much faster with my wife by my side than before. I had a difficult time sleeping over the past two years but not anymore with a wonderful person with me. Even this morning I wanted to sleep in and forget about the gym but I convinced myself to get out of bed. I did get out of bed to start my week and as I looked at my sleeping family I had a great big smile. I blew them all a kiss and departed for a full work week.

My workout was excellent and I couldn’t help but to think how blessed a person I am. These blessings are now with me and really over the past two years have never left me. We may have been physically separated but our emotional and spiritual connections have always been in tact. Even before all of this trouble started I had everything I ever needed right in front of me. Yes, it has taken a traumatic experience to realize how fortunate I am and I am eternally grateful for everything.

Learning to Ride A Bicycle

The previous two Sundays I woke up with my family all under the same roof; however; those days were spent in a hotel room and at a dear friend’s home. Today was the first Sunday in quite a long time that we were all under the same roof that has become our home. Sundays are special “family” days and my wife and I were in agreement when we stated that it would be a “no box” day concentrating on relaxing for the day.

My son made his appearance in our room a little later then usual but this morning he had something on his mind. Yesterday I promised him I would take him to the park where he could learn to ride his bike. I had to give my son a specific time which was 8:30 this morning and he didn’t forget. He came into the room notifying me we still had an hour and a half before we would venture to the park. To say he was excited to finally learn how to ride a bike would be an understatement.

Yesterday afternoon I did take him out front of the house and spent a few minutes giving him the basics of riding a bike. I took the training wheels off his bike and had him sit on it. I had him pedal with me providing the balance. He was very hesitant at first and kept looking back to see if I was still holding him. It took him awhile to understand that he needed to pedal in order to maintain balance but this was just a preliminary test run. The actual learning to ride the bicycle occurred this morning.

I could sense my son’s anxiousness so instead of waiting for the scheduled time I decided to depart for the park 30 minutes ahead of schedule. This decision made my son very happy and we took his bike to the park. The park is within walking distance and we made the very brief walk as I gave him some instructions. The key principles were pedaling, steering and braking along with always paying attention. My son get distracted very easily and I had to impress this last principle because I could see paying full attention would be quite an undertaking.

This was the same spot I took my daughter to over four years to teach her how to read a bike. It truly was déjà vu all over again. I decided back then that the appropriate place to learn how to ride a bicycle was in the park’s parking lot and I was hoping the parking lot would be deserted at this early hour. Much to my surprise there were two cars in the lot but the cars posed no obstructions.

My son got on the bicycle and started pedaling with me holding from the rear. I was a bit reluctant to let go sensing my son’s unsteadiness so it took a few minutes before I finally let him go. Also my son was very concerned with me not letting go so I needed him to get some confidence. He rode around the parking lot with me holding and as my son was saying “Daddy don’t let go”, I had already let go and he was riding the bicycle all by himself. When he discovered that he was indeed riding the bicycle by himself he let out a big smile and went a few more feet before stopping. I gave him a “you are doing it” and his pride swelled.

After this moment it took a little while to work up my son’s confidence even more. He had trouble starting and I had to give him a push but when our dear friend’s made an impromptu visit at the park he sort of “showed off” what he had learned. He was quite capable of starting by himself and his confidence soared. As my son was riding his bicycle on his own he said to me, “Daddy you are the best teacher ever!!” This is one of those moments I have been waiting for and made my heart so warm. I had been away from him and the rest of my family for the past two years but we are certainly making the most of our time together and I am forever grateful.

It took some coaxing but my son was able to ride around the park on his own and I couldn’t help but to make comparisons between when my daughter learned to ride her bike and now. The process was much the same but with my daughter who seems to exhibit “NO FEAR” once she was able to ride on her own she just took off. My son exhibited some fear and I had to convince him to continue riding.

My children are remarkable and they share similarities along with differences. The differences were exhibited in these moments of learning to ride a bicycle. As I mentioned my daughter is fearless where my son is more cautious this is interesting because my son is more outgoing than my daughter. My son will approach just about anyone where my daughter is much more reserved; however; when it comes to thrill seeking my daughter is the daredevil. I can remember her zipping around the park very shortly after she discovered she could ride her bicycle all by herself. Today my son wasn’t exactly zipping around the park but his cautiousness seemed to diminish the more he rode the bicycle.

It was fascinating watching my son as he was reluctant but the confidence soared as soon as he realized he could ride the bicycle all by himself. The adage of how we all need to learn to crawl before we walk and than run was relevant this morning. Before we started my son was apprehensive about his bicycle but when we were making our way home he was an expert bicycle rider.

Later on my daughter and son went on a bike ride to the park with me following on foot. We decided (more accurately I decided) to go for a more in-depth bike ride to a nearby lake. I don’t have a bicycle and I thought this would be a good time to get in a little jog. My children set out on their bicycles while I did my best to keep up with them by jogging. Thankfully I have been training because I needed it today as we logged about 5 miles in the 95 degree sun.

The comical event happened as I was jogging in between my daughter and son. My son was gaining on me and all I remember is my son saying, “Daddy look out!” As soon as he said this I could feel something hit my lower leg and I went tumbling down to the ground. My son some how got too close to me and his wheel trip me up which made me fall to the ground. When I hit the ground which seemed to happen in slow-motion I quickly jumped back up and started to jog. It did hurt but I didn’t my children to know so I thought the best way was to start jogging again. My daughter was very concerned and my son kept saying, “Daddy I’m sorry”. I told him it was an accident I was okay. I was okay and thankfully my son didn’t fall to the ground in the collision.

We made our way home after another lap around the lake and it was a great day along with getting in a great workout. The children were sweating from the bicycle ride and I too was perspiring quite profusely. I don’t need a gym membership or a bicycle, I can get my runs with my children as long as I stay clear of their tires!!!

"Lounge" "Junk"

The weekend is here and these days are passing so quickly. We have now been home as a family for the past five days and I am not sure where those days have gone!!! I do believe in spite of the circumstances over the past two years this time has gone by very quickly and now ever since my release five months ago the speed in which the time has gone into overdrive. Here it is a Saturday morning and my wife was awake early so she could check out the garage sales in the area.

Prior to our move two years ago we sold our family room set which was due to be sold or thrown into the trash as it approached being 20 years old. We didn’t sell any other pieces of furniture and other then the family room and the “lounge” (the children’s name for the loft area) every room is furnished. My wife wanted to look for a couch for the family or “lounge” and came away with a very good deal on a couch for the “lounge”. Basically it amounted to carting the couch away from the garage and despite a few markings the couch will serve its purpose for the children in the “lounge”.

My wife was out as the time approached the start of the Saturday morning Gamblers Anonymous meeting and I called my wife to tell him to take her time because I didn’t want her to hurry back. She would have hurried back because she knows (as she stated) how important the GA meetings are to me and my recovery but I am doing my best to strike a balance between all the facets in my life. This morning I specifically did not venture to the gym so my wife could go out early to the garage sales. I too understand the importance of GA to my well being but I am trying to tie everything in my life together.

My wife how has been nothing short of amazing wanted to come home so I could get to the meeting on time but after a few minutes I did convince her to continue her quest. This is when she found the couch for the “lounge” and when she came home the two of us carried the couch up to the “lounge”. This was fun, although the couch wasn’t very heavy for me my poor wife struggled going up the stairs.

I have become even more patient over these past few years and I know a situation such as this one would have prompted me to say something I shouldn’t so this morning I remained silent. In fact the ill-fated words just weren’t there for me. I am having such a great time enjoying the moment my cynical side is slowly fading away. I wouldn’t say it is gone because that would be quite an undertaking and I did notice a few cynical remarks when we went shopping on Friday. Again, I believe this is another balancing act because there are some appropriate (or at least I think so) times for cynical remarks because this is a fabric of my personality and I wouldn’t be true to myself. I don’t believe my cynical remarks are meant to be hurtful at all but it appears to be a positive that I am not even thinking about these remarks when in the past I couldn’t help myself.

The day was spent moving the boxes to their appropriate areas and I spent a good portion of the morning cutting the already used boxes. I lost count after 40 which meant we had unpacked 40 boxes since we got home on Monday and really it doesn’t even put a dent in what is remaining. We have too much stuff and hopefully as we unpack we can minimize some of this stuff. I also spent much of the morning trying to locate our telephone. I found the second telephone in the cordless package but could not locate the base which controls the first and second telephone while housing the answering machine. I thought I opened every box and looked through those boxes as well to no avail. I would have thought the telephone would have been in one of the kitchen boxes because this is where it was stationed in our old house.

However; all of the kitchen boxes had been opened and unpacked with no telephone in sight. I am sure it will emerge in the coming days and I did find my wife’s knives set in a box marked “junk”. Yes, I labeled this box and for the life of me I have no idea why I would label it “junk”. I think this was my cynical side talking two years ago. In any event the telephone still remains at large.

We are taking our time unpacking and today wasn’t the most efficient day. I did cut all of the used boxes and there is much more room in the garage. Most of the boxes are in their perspective area with exception of the guest room and the many boxes labeled “playroom”. The guest room may house a border in the coming months so we are reluctant to unpack any of these boxes into this room since in our previous house the guest room was more of a storage room.

We have the same square feet in this house then we had in the previous but it really seems like we have more stuff as opposed to less stuff. My perspective could be way off because I spent 19 ½ months living out of a 9 cubic foot space so anything larger then this appears grandiose. A good example of this is our King size Bed which looks an enormous expanse of a mattress because I had been living on an extended baby’s mattress over the past two years. Yes, my dear friend’s supplied me with a Queen Size bed which too looked large comparatively speaking but now the King Bed is certainly a large piece of mattress.

The day was over very quickly and we were headed over our dear friend’s house to play a game. My wife took me up on my offer to sit with the children so she could join her dear friend at the movies. They went to see “Sex and the City” while the husbands played “Cash flow for Kids” with the daughters. Our sons are a little too young for this game and the two 10 year olds grasped the game quite well. This game teaches children the value of money and is quite good. An unnecessary expense is labeled a “Do-Dad” which I think is a perfect moniker. My daughter now understands it is not good to buy something if you don’t have the money to pay for it and the fact that she thinks all credit cards are bad is certainly a positive.

We had a good time playing the game while the boys watched “Star Wars”. They were watching Star Wars #4 which to me is Star Wars #1 since it came out almost thirty years ago. It took me 25 years to finally see this movie and were our two seven year old sons enjoying the movie. I believe the movie has been digitally remastered but essentially everything else is the same. I thought this was ironic that they were enjoying such an “old” movie but hey action is action to 7 year old boys!!