Six Weeks and Counting

Six weeks ago today I arrived here at the Reception Center. I do remember that day like it was yesterday but on the other hand it seems like a long time ago. In these six weeks I have learned and continue to learn about prison life. I have met some interesting and some not so interesting inmates. But for the most part I am marking time because I have to serve time.

The hardest thing for me is to not look ahead. As everyday goes by it is one day closer to being with my family but there are still many days ahead. These days can only be lived one at a time which sometimes is a depressing thought in a place like this. There are days, actually it seems most days, where I look around in disbelief and wonder how the heck I let myself get to a place like this. Thankfully, I don’t dwell on this thought or I would fall into a very deep dark depression. I know exactly how I let myself get here and of course it is all my fault. However; I have found a new way of life which has given me so much hope and optimism. I know my current situation is only temporary and I also know my new way of life is permanent. My new way of life is permanent as long as I stay in recovery and life will continue to get better.

Sometimes I do lose focus, although briefly, and I catch myself thinking about how stupid I was when I let my compulsive gambling take over my life. I don’t dwell on the past but in a place like this no matter how busy I try to be, there is always down time. In this down time I cannot turn off my brain. I do wish I could turn it off for the next 22 months, but I realize this is not possible. As long as I work my Program, I will not revert back to old bad behaviors. I have instilled in myself new behaviors which are leading to success.

I had a feeling before I went to work in the kitchen that it was going to be a trying time. There were three items (rolled oats, cream of beef, and potatoes – which is also known as shit on a shingle–side note, how can anyone eat something with this name is beyond me!) which needed to be placed in the oven. Now please remember my initial plan of staying under the radar. Well because I have the most experience (a whole 3 weeks) on the ovens everyone was looking to me for direction. The last thing I wanted to do was to tell anyone what to do because this is how trouble starts.

There were four of us, including me, working the ovens which is a very good number. Three people are responsible for one item, from start to finish and the fourth person helps load and unload the ovens in addition to keeping the areas of preparation clean. This was my plan but I needed to figure out a way to explain it without sounding bossy. I didn’t want to not sound like the boss because the three other inmates working the ovens all asked me what to do. I explained the plan, rather nicely I may add, and everyone was in agreement.

The biggest push is to get out the “short line” by 5:30am. The “short line” is where we serve all the kitchen workers (with the exception of those working the ovens) their first breakfast. I have been in the kitchen three weeks and we rarely hit the 5:30am deadline. Some days are at 5:45am and other days we are at 6:00am. It really is very difficult to hit this deadline because the food is frozen and the ovens are not pre-heated. In addition to the ovens not being pre-heated most of them are very temperamental. If they are not closed with a piece of cardboard inside the oven to activate the seal, the temperature never reaches 350 degrees.

This morning we hit the 5:30 am deadline by a stroke of luck because all but three of the rolled oats didn’t cook because the oven wasn’t sealed properly. It only takes three pans of each item to feed the “short line” so we were in good shape but with the rolled oats being ice cold after being in the oven for an hour raised my attention level greatly. During “short line” the oven workers are still preparing the food for the rest of the breakfast service which starts at 6:30 am. When I saw that the rolled oats weren’t cooking I knew we needed to move them into a less temperamental oven.

I need to take a step back and explain the cooking assignments (briefly); I took the rolled oats (of course I wasn’t going to take the cream of beef which rivals the fried eggs on my gross-out meter), one person took the potatoes, one person the cream of beef and one floater. At 5:30 am when we prepared the “short line” and each of us were manning our prep stations, the floater person disappeared. At this time the rolled oats were cold and I needed the fourth person to help move the rolled oats into a different oven but he was no where to be seen. I looked all around and then I went out into the dining room to find him sitting down eating breakfast. When I saw him there I was faced with a decision which was to do nothing and let him eat his breakfast or go up to him and nicely ask him to come back into the kitchen to help out. I opted for the latter option and when I went up to him I was very nice because I don’t want to piss anyone off and asked him to come back and help out. In his defense he did not know he wasn’t supposed to eat breakfast with everyone else because I didn’t tell him. In my defense I didn’t tell him because I thought it was understood and sinc he has been in the kitchen for 2 weeks so I thought he knew.

Anyway, he was very polite to me, apologized, and came back to the ovens to help move the items around. I did tell him there would be plenty of time to eat breakfast when we finished placing the items in the ovens. Everything worked out fine even though the ovens were still being temperamental all morning. We were able to have enough items ready for the first breakfast service and had everything prepared by the third (out of six) breakfast service. In addition everyone who worked on the ovens was able to have their two breakfasts (some had three) without any problems.

I certainly haven’t tried in the least to raise my profile but circumstances such as the kitchen have done it for me. It seems to be okay for the time being because most of the inmates know my personality. I am not a threat to anyone and I don’t believe I come across as aloof or condescending. For the most part I get along with everyone no matter their race or ethnicity.

Speaking of race, it seems most of my longer conversations (with the exception of my Bunkie and the “normal” inmate) are with non-white inmates. I am not sure why this is happening and it certainly does not bother me in the least bit. But prison being prison, who knows if this will offend someone from my race but all things considered I have to be myself. With any luck being myself will continue to keep me strong and safe. Also, I rather enjoy these conversations much better than the conversations I have had with the white inmates. There are two things I have in common with my fellow white inmates which are being here in this place and the color of my skin. It is interesting how much race plays a key factor here in prison. Fortunately because my dormitory is for inmates over the age of 35, the maturity level is much higher than other dormitories and cooler heads prevail.

This being “yard day” I would be remiss in not mentioning it. Yes, I went out and ran the entire time just like usual. Now I have a cheering section on each lap which is quite funny. I guess my fly under the radar plan had a flaw in it; I couldn’t be my true self. In order to accomplish the plan I needed to be something I am not and let’s face it I stick out like a sore thumb. The key is to not come across as a sore thumb; hopefully, I am accomplishing this new plan.

I will end this passage with yet another report on my counselor. No, I didn’t see my counselor today which closes the week and Monday will start a new waiting period. I did learn of another program for first-time offenders who have committed non-violent crimes and owe restitution. It is called (quite appropriately) Restitution Program. This is where the inmate is housed in a halfway house and works in a “real” (not prison but privately sponsored) job in order to pay back restitution. There is a facility in Los Angeles and San Diego. Also, if all goes well after the first 30 days the inmate can go home on weekends. This means the inmate would be housed Monday through Friday in the halfway house. It sounds like a very intriguing program because I could be an active participant in society and serve my time constructively.

I found out all this from a fellow inmate who is departing next week for this program. He is going to the Los Angeles Program which is not far from his home. His restitution is minor compared to mine and I have no idea if this makes a difference. Also, I have no idea if the fact that my family currently resides in New Jersey has a bearing on my eligibility. I was happy to find out this information and whenever I get to see my counselor I have more questions to ask. All things considered I would still opt for a fire camp because even though I could go home (not to New Jersey though) on weekends in the Restitution Program, I would still rather go to fire camp because my overall sentence would be reduced six to seven months.