A Year Ago

This time last year the family and I were headed off to the airport for a family vacation in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. No, we were not scheduled to stay at a five star resort. We were meeting friends of ours from Las Vegas and their family to spend the Thanksgiving Holiday. My friends have a timeshare and they were kind enough to ask us to join them for the week at a very reasonable rate. As we drove off to the airport last year it had started to snow and there was an actual accumulation of 2 inches. This was a very big deal because living in this part of Southern California seeing snow on the ground is a very rare sight; I think it happens about every 30 years. Our plane was taking off last year at this time and we missed the snow event but we had a great time on the vacation.

At the end of the trip we had such a good time we asked our friends if we could make this annual event and join them for the Thanksgiving Holiday each year. They said yes, and early this year I had pre-paid the vacation but circumstances being what they are my friend was kind enough to refund the pre-payment and my life and my family's life changed direction dramatically. My friend and his family did embark on the vacation this year and I am sure they will have a great time. Yes, my life and the lives of my family has changed directions and I am sure it would have been wonderful to join our friends in Mexico but all of that is in the past. I cannot undo the past events I can only concentrate on today. Today; I took my children to the park and watched them play for a few hours. It was a glorious day; there was no snow in the forecast and the temperature reached 83 degrees.

We had a great time and it doesn't matter to my children that we are not spending the holiday in Mexico. It matters to my children that their Grandmother is here to spend the holiday with them. My children don't care about material items and sometimes this is hard to fathom but the bottom line is they want their family to be together for the holidays. Whether it is spent at home or in some foreign country it makes no difference to them. The just care that everyone is together. My children had a great time at the park as did I. They are playing on the trampoline right now and life for them couldn't be any better.

Tragic events have a different affect on everyone. I chose to take my tragic event and make the best out of it. Yes, what I did was so very wrong and I can't say I am sorry enough but saying I am sorry doesn't change those events. Looking back and wallowing in self-pity doesn't do a damn bit of good. What's done is done and all I have is today. Today is great; my family is fabulous and God is great.

Somewhere along the way the holding pattern I have been in "legal" terms will subside. Eight and half months ago I made decision NOT to stay in this holding pattern in terms of my recovery and personal growth. Thank God I made this decision because each and every day has gotten better. Material things, possessions, vacations are nice and I don't begrudge anyone for having any of these. They are not my focus; my focus is on my recovery, living life one day at a time with a purpose and my family. All of the things that surround me are blessings and all of these blessings are real and tangible. What matter most is more real today than it was one year ago.

How can someone be rich and still be poor? In my opinion; you can have all the money and possessions in your life and still be poor in spirit. How can someone be poor and still be rich? In my opinion you can have no money no material possessions and be rich in spirit. I would rather be rich in spirit then spiritually deprived or morally bankrupt. Yes, I have learned many things over the past eight and half months and I continue to learn each and every day. I love this learning process and I love my life and my family. I thank God each every day for all he has bestowed upon me.

Lives Ruined or Not?

Last night I had the privilege of attending a birthday celebration for two fellow Gamblers Anonymous members. One member was celebrating 8 years of abstinence and the other 3 years of abstinence. There were many people in attendance because these two members are true testaments to the Gamblers Anonymous Program. The member with 3 years experience has a truly inspirational story and I have learned so much from their journey and it has given me so much strength and hope. There are some great people in the Gamblers Anonymous Program and I am truly honored to be in their presence. The Program does work and their is hope and great life to be lived without gambling.

My mother-in-law is visiting from the East Coast and she will be spending Thanksgiving with us. The children were so excited to see her in fact they were so excited they all slept in the same bed. She is a wonderful and loves her family so very much and it is so nice to see my children and how much they love their grandmother.

I wanted to post another article on Compulsive Gambling and please pay close attention to the horrible statistics. Here is a story about a very educated man from Michigan who conquered one addiction for 20 plus years but couldn't control his gambling which led to pitiful incomprehensible demoralization; here is the story;

Addictions Nearly Ruined Burkes Life

Michael Burke never believed one addiction could lead to another.

He addressed 67 community members, telling them of the dangers of getting hooked on alcohol and gambling Thursday evening at the Saginaw Chippewa Tribal Gym.

Burke, a Howell resident, said he was surrounded by alcohol since he was a kid.
Alcohol was not looked down upon by my family, he said. You were expected to drink.

Burke said he once was a promising lawyer until the addiction became severe.
I remember one day I told myself I wouldn't let the alcohol control me in the court room, so I didn't drink my vodka, he said. I got in the court room in front of the judge and couldn't even speak in front of the judge my heart was beating, my palms were sweating. The judge just figured it was because I was young and nervous.

He then went back to his car and drank a pint of vodka.

Burke said his tolerance level eventually lowered and on a daily basis he became wasted. Then one day, his wife checked him into the hospital and left him there.

The doctor told me to take the medication or get out, he said. That was the point when I decided to give up my fight with alcohol right there.

Burke rid himself of his addiction for over 20 years, but spent his 25th, 26th, and 27th year of sobriety in prison because of gambling.

If I only put the time into my classes that I put into studying blackjack, I would have been in the top ten of my graduating class, no question about it, he said.

Burke stole money from his clients because he drained his savings more than $100,000. He was arraigned, sent to prison for three years and ordered to pay $1.6 million back to his former clients.

His actions weren't too out of the ordinary for someone who has his addiction, he said. In fact, two out of three compulsive gamblers commit an illegal act to get money, and one out of five compulsive gamblers attempt to commit suicide.

Burke wanted to get one message across to students: Gambling and alcoholism go hand-in-hand.
They go hand (in) hand because you get the same feeling, he said. Students feel two things: They think they are more intelligent and that they have been touched by the hand of God. I know a kid who dropped out of junior college to play poker.

If you find yourself once a week at a casino, Burke said, you have a problem. He also said addicts don't admit they lose money ever.

Joe Sowmick, public relations director for the Saginaw Chippewa Indian Tribe, said it was good for a speaker to come address the community.

The message is if you think you have a problem, it probably is and you should talk to someone versed in these matters, he said. It was a message we wanted the community to hear.

Burke said he still thinks about the day he got arraigned for stealing he went to the hospital with a heart condition, the day of the arraignment, and was told he had to have triple bypass surgery or he'd die.

A priest came in my room that night and tried to give me my last rites, he said. I yelled at him to get out. I wanted to die unforgiven and go to Hell for what I had done to my family.

Burke hoped the message would resonate to students so they would not to end up in the same position.

I still remember something a speaker told me when I was in rehab: "If you can drink it, snort it, roll it or inject it, you can get addicted to it," so don't do it, Burke recalled.

Beginning

Today as I sat in the courtroom wife my wife and waited for my case to be called; my wife had ask me a question. By the way nothing happened in court because the "regular" Judge was not there so I go back in a few weeks. I have really lost tract of how many times there has been a postponement but I guess this is the way the justice system works. Getting back to the question my wife asked me as we sat in court this morning. She was asking about when I was in custody awaiting my bail arraignment and I got to thinking about the six nights I spent in the county jail before my wonderful family and friends raised the bail money.

It was a Wednesday, March 16th and it had been two weeks to the day when I was "terminated" by my previous employer for my indiscretions. I knew something was going to happen but I did not realize this would be the day. I waited the two weeks while the detectives gathered all their evidence and brought charges. In this two weeks I tried to contact my previous employer through various emails detailing my gambling addiction and "why" I did what I did. I really wanted to work something out with my previous employer and NOT have the police involved but (I cannot blame them at all because what I did was WRONG) my previous employer didn't want anything to do with me and my reasons. In fact; over one of the weekends while I was awaiting the charges the police came to my house NOT to arrest me but to check on my well being. Someone at my previous employer was concerned about whether or not I may harm myself and contacted the local police department. When they came to the door my heart naturally jumped into my throat but we had a nice conversation and I assured them I was not going to do anything "stupid" and it is 8 1/2 months later and I have stuck to my word.

Getting back to the faithful day of March 16th; I was at the Gym and received a phone call from my sister-in-law who was staying with us at the time with her new born daughter telling me to come home because the police were at my home and going through the whole house. I showered, called my attorney because I did not know what to do but couldn't reach my attorney and went home. I saw two detectives standing in my home talking with my wife and the next thing I know the detective was placing me in handcuffs and walking me to an awaiting police car; it was around noon time and thank God neither my daughter or son were home, they were at school. My wife was trying to contact our attorney and I kissed her good-bye and told her how sorry I am for putting her through this, She assured me everything will be fine, what an amazing woman!!

I was placed in the police car and off we went to the county detention center. The same officer who had me in custody two weeks earlier at my previous employer and let me go because the evidence wasn't fully compiled drove me to the police station. We went in the "back way" so I could be processed into the jail. It still is a blur but I do remember the Detective asking me if I had anything to say or would I wait for my attorney to be present. I opted for waiting for my attorney. Also this same detective told the processing officer that I was being very cooperative. I guess this means they weren't going to give me a hard time which they certainly did not; everyone was very professional. I was placed in a 4 x 4 holding cell for the next 24 hours with one other person because there was no room in the county jail so I sat and waited for 24 hours, I did not know time could stand still but that 24 hours was the longest 24 hours of my life. There were no clocks, no sun light and not much of anything but I brought this entire episode on myself and deserved this punishment.

One of the officers took me to central processing for my fingerprints and "mug shots". The lady taking the picture wanted to make sure the picture came out good because my case was a "high profile" case and the picture would probably wind up in the newspaper. As of today the picture has NOT been in the newspaper and but there have been a few articles. I was escorted back to the holding cell and was summoned for an interview with the OR (Own Recognizance) Officer to see if I would be eligible for this type of bail release. The officer asked my several questions mostly about my family and previous work history. I could over hear the person next to me while they were conducting their interview and I noticed the Officer was admonishing the inmate because he was a repeat offender. My officer did not admonish me but I knew I had no chance of an OR release because of the suspected dollar amount but it was still part of the process.

I was finally admitted to the "big" prison after 24 hours of waiting in the 4 x 4 holding cell. I was placed into an orange jumpsuit and my regular clothes were placed in with the uniform Officer. I was led to the prison in handcuffs which were attached to a large chain around my waist. I was sent to the "Protective Custody" area of the jail which meant I was with non-violent type offenders which also meant I was placed with child molesters. Never in my wildest nightmares would I have envisioned being in a place like this and those of you reading this who think you MAY have a gambling problem and are thinking this can't happen to me I would beg to differ. Compulsive gambling can take people to places where they are not proud of and 6% of ALL suicides are committed by compulsive gamblers; to me this is a significant number so please get help because it is never too late.

I spent the next four nights in the county jail cell which was 4 x 8 with bunk beds. I shared the cell with an elderly gentleman who was extremely nice to me because I was minding my own business. I believe he was there on a parole violation and had another 3 months to go. He was able to get me a few books to read and no one bothered me at all. At 5:00 am the lights went on for breakfast and we were let out of our cells for 20 minutes. At 11:00 am lunch was served and again we were let out of our cells for 20 minutes and at 4:00 pm dinner was served for the same time period. I was a hit with the fellow inmates because I gave away my meat (I think it was meat) because I am a vegetarian and I ate their salad or fruit. The drinks were either milk which I don't drink or Kool-Aid which I tried to water down. Needless to say after finally getting out I was so hungry, tired and dirty. Yes, they had showers but I didn't feel very comfortable in this shower and moved in out as quick as possible. Also, during the times other than breakfast, lunch and dinner we were allowed out of our cells for one hour intervals at least two and sometimes three times a day, the rest of the time was spent in the cell. Out in the common area there were telephones and one television. I had made a few phone calls but I had no desire to sit and watch television. Also, there was no daylight at all so only the clock showed whether it was day or night time.

During the times we were let out of the cells I would walk for the hour around the common area up the stairs passed the second level of cells to get some type of exercise because any physical (such as push-ups or pull-ups) exercise by the inmates was prohibited, I guess the guards did not want the inmates to be stronger than them. Any time someone was caught doing push-ups or pull-ups the guard will immediately yell at them the first time and the second time meant you couldn't come out of your cell the entire day. I decided to walk to get some type of conditioning because I was going stir crazy looking at those walls. I did speak with a few inmates who knew why I was in there because my story was in the newspaper. These inmates were very "proud" of my misdeeds but I couldn't share their enthusiasm. I tried to downplay it as much as possible and changed the subject so not to focus the attention on me. The last thing I wanted was attention; I just wanted to do my time and get out of there.

At 1:00 am of the 6th night my cell was opened and the officer informed me I had made bail. My great friend came to pick me up at 3:00 am because it took two hours to discharge me which meant spending another 2 hours in the 4 x 4 holding cell. I was so happy to see my friend who drove me home and we talked for an hour at my house then he went home. My wife and children were not there (thank God) because they were in New Jersey visiting family for the Easter holiday. After my friend left I made myself a tuna sandwich and after eating the sandwich I took the longest hottest shower of my life. I slept for a few hours before my wife called and asked me how I was doing. I was doing fine and I couldn't wait to go to the Tuesday night Gamblers Anonymous meeting because I hadn't been at a meeting in over one week.

I had to get this out and put it in writing because my brain sometimes conveniently leaves out some major details like when I was 18 years old and when I was 28 years old. I conveniently forgot how terrible I felt at those times but the feeling I had in March of this year is one I hope and pray I never forget. I can put it in its proper perspective in my recovery but I can not forget this awful feeling. I cannot dwell on this awful feeling because that will do me no good. I must continue my recovery each and every day which means abstaining from gambling, adhering to the Gamblers Anonymous Program and cherish all the blessings God has bestowed on me. Life will continue to go on and it does get better one day at a time.

Gaming Thoughts

Today was "sportsathon" day at my son's pre-school and one of the positive about my current situation is I am able to attend this wonderful events. I was able to watch my son run and cycle ten laps and then he jumped 53 times. He had the most laps in running and cycling and he came in third in jumping; he was so proud of himself and I am always proud of him. I was able to spend two hours with my son at his pre-school this morning and it was so nice to see him behaving oh so well with the other children. He really is a great child and another one of my blessings!!

I was able to take him from his pre-school this morning to my daughter's class where they were celebrating a "Thanksgiving Feast". In the past I would have not made these events because I was too important to miss work or so I thought, my how wrong I was. I am not important my family is important and this is what really matters in my life. The "feast" at my daughter's school was very nice and the children really enjoyed themselves.

I take a look back at my previous life and wonder how I could have thought the things I did. The world doesn't revolve around me and there is no need to take unnecessary risks. Eight months ago I removed gambling from my life and it has helped me really see the true me. Gambling clouded everything I did from interacting to my family to interacting at my previous employment; I was foolish but I have so many things in my life to be thankful for and I cherish all of these things each and every day.

At the end of the "feast" a few of the mothers and the teachers got on the topic of poker and how one their ten year old son's was teaching their 6 year old daughter how to play Texas Hold'em. Unfortunately or fortunately I did not hear this conversation my wife told me about it after it happened. One of the mother's went on to comment yes, my son and his friend's play poker in our basement for $1 (they are 10 years old) and I am so happy because I know where they are. My wife bit her tongue through the conversation but she did let the teacher know I am a compulsive gambler and the conversation soon stopped.

I have nothing against gambling because it provided a great living for me and my family for many years; however; I never thought of myself as a compulsive gambler during this entire time. Now I am and will always be a compulsive gambler and think the best approach to young people gambling is EDUCATION. We educate our children on drugs and to some extent alcohol why don't we do the same for gambling? I have written about this before and I will say it again; the younger people are exposed to gambling the more likely they will become problem gamblers later in life. If there is a poker table filled with 10 12 year old boys and girls chances are very good one of them will become a problem gambler. You may not think one is significant but that is 10% so for every 100 10 will become problem gamblers. Say we have 1,000,000 12 year old boys and girls playing Texas Hold'em this means 100,000 have a very good chance at being problem gamblers later in life. I think this is a significant number.

Through education and awareness this number can be decreased. Look what alcohol has done with the designated driver program and the DUI laws; the number of DUI's has come done significantly. Maybe the casinos should implement a designated gambler program where one person shoulders the burden for 10 people; oh wait they already have this program and it is called the High Limit Room, sorry about that I couldn't resist. Seriously, education and awareness needs to be done at a young age or there will be significant rise in compulsive gamblers in the next five years. I think we are already there but it is never too late to start anything.

In December I have been invited to attend the National Council on Responsible Gaming Conference. This conference is put on by the Harvard Medical School Addiction Division. There will be many scholarly people in attendance (how I got invited I'll never know!!) and I am interested to hear their perspective on problem gambling and especially what is being done in the field. It should be an eye opening conference. Hopefully it won't come across as a "dog and pony show" for the gaming corporations because they are major donors for the National Conference on Responsible Gaming organization. I have been speaking with many of the presenters at this conference over the past eight months and it will be good to put a face with their voice. Yes, my life does go on and yes, it life is very different now but it is certainly better now than it has ever been at any other point in my life because the lies have stopped.

Imposing Will

As I came out of Tuesday's Gamblers Anonymous meeting I found myself feeling much better when I entered and I was very energized. However. there was something else I was feeling which was frustration. I know I cannot impose my will on any one nor should I take inventory of anyone but myself; however; last night I found myself wanted to shake some sense into fellow members but thankfully I didn't say or do anything I would have regretted. Everyone works their recovery differently and the key concept for me is to NOT GAMBLE TODAY. Sometimes it takes people (like myself) years to understand this concept and sometimes people never fully understand this concept.

I cannot change anyone except myself. I write and talk all about my recovery and what has worked for me as well as others who have been successful in recovery. It is none of my business what other people do with their recovery it is my business what I do with my recovery only. I got into a great deal of trouble previously in my life by NOT taking a hard, cold , honest look at myself. I don't want to fall into this pattern again. I have not gambled for 8 months and 19 days and I am starting to understand myself. I cannot change others nor should I try to change anyone I must concentrate on myself and my family.

I received a comment from another blogger who is in the earlier stages of battling their compulsive gambling addiction. I thought they were asking my advice on one of the postings and I wrote a very long comment which was not posted. My comment was written from my perspective and I believe I was imposing my will on this person by telling them things they should do. It is not my place to tell anyone to do anything and I apologize if I offended them it was not my intention.

Compulsive gambling is a horrible addiction and makes people do horrible things but it is not my place to tell someone what to do. I can only suggest what has helped me and others who have been successful in their recoveries against this awful addiction. I hope this person continues their recovery and is very successful in their life without gambling. If anyone is interested in another compulsive gambler battling this addiction I encourage you to read this site.

I remember 5 years ago a good friend who has a daughter 5 years older than my daughter telling me how much he enjoyed having conversations with his daughter. Now his daughter is entering her teenage years and they still have a great relationship. I can see the same things happening with my daughter. Our conversations have moved to the next level and they are great conversations. Additionally, she is starting to ask some very inquisitive questions such as when we were watching a movie and she asked me if the "bad guys" destroy the world aren't they destroying themselves as well?? My response was; "great question and you are correct". Also; she is starting to ask some hard questions about Santa Claus. She is 7 years old soon to be 8 and I am wondering if this is the last Christmas where she still believes. They grow up so fast and I am so blessed by my daughter's presence, I thank God each and every day for this blessing.

Last night there was a conversation on wife bashing and I certainly could not add anything to this conversation. My wife has been nothing short of amazing through this horrible ordeal; she is an angel a true gift from God. Even though she was very tired from cleaning all day (her Mom is coming to visit for Thanksgiving) she found time to go to her Wednesday Night Gam-Anon (it is a meeting for anyone who has been affected by a compulsive gambler) meeting. She is a magnificent woman and I love her so very much.

Yes, it has taken a near catastrophic event to make me realize all the true blessings in my life were right in front of me. There is no need for me to look any further nor is there any need for me to want anything else. I have everything anyone can ask for and again I thank God for all of these blessings. Before the grace of God go I and I have been graced by God to an extraordinary level.

Progressive in Nature

Compulsive gambling is progressive in nature and never gets better it only gets worse. For me as a compulsive gambler I tried and failed two other times to quit by myself. The first time I was in a little debt; the second time I was in a bigger debt and the third time I was in an enormous amount of debt; progressive in nature is this addiction. The only way for me to "control" my gambling is to NOT gamble. I tried the "control" method and it only got worse.

I have met many people in Gamblers Anonymous with very successful recoveries and I have met other people who struggle. What separates someone from being very successful to one who struggles? I don't know and can only look at myself. In the times I tried to quit by myself after a few years I forgot how bad my gambling had become and started to gamble again. I think this is called complacency. I became complacent about my life and complacent about my gambling. I never thought of the consequences and now I am reaping those consequences.

In Gamblers Anonymous the successful people really understand the power of the Program. It is an incredible fellowship with a very important message; "help people with a gambling problem". There is only one requirement in Gamblers Anonymous; "the desire to stop gambling". This doesn't mean you have to stop gambling but it does mean you have to want to stop gambling. I came into the program with what seemed like an insurmountable amount of problems caused by my gambling. Things that just won't "go away" if I stop gambling but I know they won't come back if I stop gambling.

The key concepts for me are honesty, powerlessness, and serenity. If I honesty look at my gambling and examine what it has done to me and my family on a daily basis and make a vow not to gamble today; life does get better. If I admit I am powerless to gambling and surrender this to my Higher Power (God) I don't have to worry about "controlling" my gambling because I won't gamble today; this is the only way for me to "control" my gambling by not doing it.

Finally, there are things in this world I cannot control and God has granted me the serenity to accept those things and God has given me the courage to change the things I can which is my behavior. I choose NOT to gamble today and embrace life today; everything in my life will work out because life is a beautiful journey which is meant to be lived one moment at a time.

Recovery

Earlier on in my recovery I had a conversation with my mother about how can a compulsive gambler stop gambling; can a compulsive gambler just say no and stop gambling; is it that easy or is it really difficult. I can only answer these questions from my own perspective and although it has been only 8 1/2 months of recovery I feel the need to address some of these questions.

I feel it is not easy but on the same token it is not hard; let me explain. When I was gambling the farthest thing from my mind was stopping; I wanted to gamble and gamble some more even though towards the end it wasn't even fun. If someone would have tapped me on the shoulder and said; "Paul, I think you are a compulsive gambler and you need to stop," I am not sure what I would have done. Most likely I would have continued to gamble and lied to that person about my gambling because I never saw myself as a compulsive gambler until the end.

Three times in my life I have tried to stop gambling because of certain events. The first episode came when I was 18 years old and owed a great deal of money to a local bookmaker. Yes, I stopped for five years but I never thought of myself as a compulsive gambler and wanted to prove to myself I could gamble better than anyone else. This concept lasted four years until I was 28 years old and had to declare personal bankruptcy due to my gambling obsession. Even though I listed gambling debts in my bankruptcy filing I never thought I was a compulsive gambler and sought help. I stopped for five years until I discovered the internet.

The internet was a place where I could have total anonymity and no one would know I was gambling again and this time I would prove to myself I could gamble better than anyone else. I tried to treat it like investing in the stock market and hired "professional handicappers" to pick the games. But what I soon realized their "controlled" approach was no match for my compulsive nature so I not only paid for their selections and bet them I bet my own, every day without fail for 6 years. The wagers got higher and higher and the risks I started taking got higher and higher. Then the faithful day of March 2, 2005 came and I was terminated because of where my compulsive gambling had lead me and on March 5, 2005 I entered a Gamblers Anonymous meeting for the very first time and my life changed.

I know for me it took near catastrophic events for me to stop gambling and I sure hope this last episode is the "last episode" because there is only one alternative left for me which is death. What I have learned in these past 8 1/2 months is life is so worth living and it is worth living without gambling and taking unnecessary risks.

Getting back to the original questions; for me stopping gambling was very difficult the first two times I tried because I was not honest nor open with myself. The third time I am hoping is the charm because I have been honest and open with myself and have admitted I am and will always be a compulsive gambler. Gamblers Anonymous has taught me so much and continues to teach me each and every day. One of these lessons is; it is not easy to quit gambling but it also is not hard if the right tools and concepts are applied to recovery.

Quitting on my own was a very big mistake but it was something I did at the time and I can't erase history I can only move forward and make the necessary changes from inside myself with honest an open mind. My mind has been opened for the last 8 1/2 months this is why quitting has not be so hard because my gambling led me to places I would not have dreamed of and made a mess of everything in not only my life but the lives of my family, co-workers and friends.

There is a member in GA who talks of having only "one" recovery left in them and I agree because I have tried it by myself and failed miserably. Now I don't have to do it by myself and it is working each and every day. I know I am one bet away from a death spiral which is why I choose to NOT gamble today.

Sociable

It seems lately we as a family or more so myself have become more sociable than ever before. Last night we were invited over to another Gamblers Anonymous Member's home for a little get together. Our kids joined their children and there was another member and their wife present as well. It was a wonderful evening. We talked, drank wine, talked some more, ate some wonder appetizers and the children played very nicely with one another.

In the past few months we have been invited over to more people's houses than the previous four years combined when I was working. Is this a coincidence? I think not; the people in Gamblers Anonymous are fabulous and have impressed me so much in these past 8 1/2 months. The love and caring is tremendous; this is another one of the blessings in my life.

"There is no way to happiness....happiness is the way," this is a quote I heard earlier today and it speaks volumes to me. Many people go through life miserable and blame everything on everyone. I have not been one of these people but I never fully embraced life until 8 1/2 months ago. Happiness is certainly the way because how is being miserable going to help any situation. There is a great deal more happiness in my life than misery and in fact my life has been filled with happiness. Yet I chose not to embrace this happiness for so many years now I am embracing it each and every day.

"It is better to be kind than right," I think that is how the quote from Gandhi is stated? Again, I was never a I must be right on any issue type of person but I never really thought about this concept. A member at tonight's GA meeting stated this quote and it made me realize something about myself. I like helping people and I have always liked helping people which to me meant being kind; however; I never really understood how to help myself.

While I was helping others and being kind to them I neglected myself. I needed help but failed to realize this for such a long period of time. However; I finally realized I needed help and found out how kind and generous people can be. Without this kindness, generosity, caring and love I would have never looked into myself with honesty. This honesty is an awakening and life is a blessing one day at a time. I thank God each and every day for all of the kind, caring, considerate and loving people in my life.

Unexpected Good News

As I picked up our mail from the mailbox I thumbed through the letters and other assorted junk and noticed a letter I had been waiting for a few days. I opened the letter and very much to my surprise it was good news. I cannot go into specifics but I can say it is indirectly related to my current legal situation and it is one less item I need to concern myself with. I firmly believe you do good things and good things happen. If it weren't for all of the tremendous support I have had over these past 8 months I know this letter would have been negative. However, because I am living the right way and taking the right steps life has a way of certainly working itself out. No matter what happens in the coming months my life has already gotten better and I intend it to get better one moment at a time.

There was a news report out of New York City regarding youth gambling on poker; here is one of the questions and answers in this report; Sarah: "Do you see a risk at all of getting hooked on it?" Teen: "Yeah, you can get hooked on it, but when you do lose a lot of money, you are usually broke at the time and then you can't play." The answer came from teenager who is encouraged to play poker by his parents because "at least my kids aren't doing drugs" so the parent hosts poker parties. Let me examine the answer; "yes, you can get hooked on it but when you are out of money you can't play," interesting philosophy but for the compulsive gambler (I am not passing judgment on this person as compulsive or not I am just relaying my experience) running out of money is a trigger to other bad behavior. Is the fact that this person stops when they run out of money a good sign as to NOT being a compulsive gambler or is it the next step in the progression of the disease? For me, it was the next step because the "high" of gambling needed to be consumed and the compulsive gambler will do anything to get this "high" even of an anti-social nature.

Let's face it; gambling much like drinking is an accepted part of our culture while drugs are not because they are illegal. This is why the grammar schools (like my daughter's) dedicate an entire week to "Say NO to Drugs" and they educate the children on negatives of drug use. Whereas with gambling and alcohol there seems to be less and less education when the children are confronted with these at later ages in life some bad choices are made. I know for myself I have never taken an illegal drug (this certainly does not make me a better person than anyone else, it is just something I have never done) but I have gambled to such an excess that drug addicts don't even understand. Would a comprehensive program of education and awareness saved me from my demons, who knows but I am sure it wouldn't have hurt.

Why don't we educate our younger children as to the dangers of gambling, alcohol and drugs. The drug issue is being addressed but it certainly doesn't stop people from trying drugs but at least it is a first step. I know education and awareness will not stop people from becoming compulsive gamblers or alcoholics but having knowledge of something is certainly an advantage over not having knowledge. In my mind ignorance is not bliss it is just ignorance. We as a society cannot ignore alcohol, gambling and drugs so why not educate.

Sometimes my thinking is very simplistic and I know there are other factors involved in any societal issues. I was discussing this with one of my daughter's teachers this week and in her 20 year teaching career in grammar schools she has only seen education and awareness on drugs and she questioned why not alcohol and gambling. Is the United States of America becoming the United States Corporate Authority? I am all for business big and small; and people making money but when it comes at the expense of others there needs to be an adjustment made and this adjustment should come from the people demanding answers to the problems. Sorry for the diatribe!!

Veterans Day

Thank you to all those who have served and continue to serve this country which makes it the greatest country in the world. Without these wonderful men and women defending our freedoms our country wouldn't be the greatest one on the planet, thank you so very much.

Today being Veterans Day in these United States my children were off from school and my daughter was marching in the local annual Veterans Day Parade with her Brownie (think little Girl Scouts) Troop. It was a glorious morning as my wife, son and dear friends of ours watched the parade. When I saw my daughter marching down the street helping carry their banner my heart warmed from inside and when our eyes met she let out a very large smile. She is a fantastic little girl. My son even behaved himself at the parade and was fascinated by the marching bands, police cars and fire trucks. It was a great way to spend Veterans Day.

One of my dearest friends was celebrating his birthday today (Happy Birthday Mike!!) and asked me to join him and a few other friends in a round of golf. Yes, our money is very tight but this person has done so much for me and my family I had to share in his birthday with him at the golf course; it was worth every penny. I wouldn't be where I am today without this man and his wife and I am so happy I was able to spend his birthday with him. He is a great man with a remarkable wife; thank you for everything and I hope you had a great day; I know I did.

Little moments in my life have huge meaning to me and today was filled with spectacular moments. I am continued to be blessed with these special moments and special people; life is fantastic.

Yesterday was "crazy hair day" at my daughter's school. This means the students can wear their hair any way they choose. A very dear friend of my wife and me volunteered to do my daughter's hair before school and she did a great job! My daughter had pinkish purple hair with two pony tails and a ribbon; a true punk rocker!! She looked fabulous. Not to be out done my son wanted his hair made crazy even though his school was not celebrating "crazy hair day". He didn't care if he was the only one (which he was!!) at his school with "crazy hair" and he looked equally fabulous. His hair was spiked with a purple color; just like Shark Boy from the movie Shark Boy and Lava Girl. My son was in his glory as he walked into his pre-school with his crazy hair; he didn't mind standing out from the rest of the students. When my son and daughter came home from school I asked each of them if they wanted to keep their "crazy hair" and my daughter said no but my son replied YES. My wife and I may want to keep an eye on him later on in life!!

As you can see life truly moves forward no matter the circumstances. Life could be crashing down upon me but I choose to live in today and love each and every moment. This is the only life I have and my family is the only family I have and I want to experience and cherish each moment with them. Yes, sometimes adversity does bring out the worst in people but on the flip side if this adversity is handled correctly it can bring out the best. I am focusing on the positive not the negative because there is so much love and joy in my life through my family and friends it is incredible. Through this love and joy I am finding me true inner self. I did bad things and will be punished for it but it doesn't mean I am a bad person on the contrary I am learning each and every day to be a good person and cherish life.

Delusional Thinking

"When Price was arrested, he was supposed to have told the detectives that he was confident of recovering that amount if he could gamble for one more week on horses." This is a quote from a recent news article regarding a bank embezzlement in Nova Scotia, Canada. The amount this man was convicted of stealing was $10,000,000 and he thought he could win that money back in one week so goes the mind of a compulsive gambler. Yes, he is a compulsive gambler and stole the money to feed his gambling habit on the horses and on-line casinos.

The normal person certainly does not understand this type of thinking but I do because I am not normal when it comes to gambling. The thought of the elusive one big win so we can stop the madness is on the mind of every compulsive gambler. Unfortunately there is NOT a win big enough for a compulsive gambler to stop gambling. The worst thing that happened to me when I was gambling was to win because it prolonged the agony. It is a never ending cycle which for some people (me included) ends in dire consequences.

This man from Canada was sentenced to 12 years in prison and will most likely serve 5 or 6 years based on his behavior in prison. He was very brazen in his crime because he left and I.O.U. note in the bank vault after he took the money. He honestly thought he could win the money and put the money back so no one would get hurt. It didn't work out this way and usually never works out this way. He stole $7 million from the bank and $3.3 million from various investors. I think the money is all gone and this story is very similar to the Owning Mahowny film based on the crimes of another Canandian Brian Mahowny. His amount was very similar and so was the sentence.

Is there a genetic predisposition for some people when they are presented with the right circumstances that makes them more susceptible to compulsive gambling. Maybe and based on my own experience I have always been fascinated with gambling even when I was a child. I worked at a racetrack when I was in college as a teller. I came in contact with all types of people while I worked at the racetrack and later on when I started to work for the casinos. But I never ever looked deep into myself and thought there was no difference between me and many of the customers at the racetrack and casinos. My arrogance was astonishing because I could not be like "those" people I thought I was smarter.

Well I am here to tell anyone intelligence has nothing to do with being better than anyone else. We are all created equal; no matter our race, creed, color, societal status we are all HUMAN BEINGS. Human beings are flawed individuals because I can speak with great confidence on this subject because I am flawed. I am no smarter than the next person and each day my humility grows. Humility is not a flaw it is a virtue; arrogance is a flaw and I am trying to remove this characteristic from my being. Yes, I seem to learn the hard way about most things but the key is to LEARN and not forget. I can't go back to my old ways because there won't be any recovery left.

Parent Teacher Conference

Yesterday I had the fortune of accompany my wife to my daughter's first parent teacher conference for the second grade. All of the words spoken by my daughter's teacher about my daughter were outstanding. Here are examples of some of the words; "I never have any problems with your daughter," "she is a role model for the other children," and "her reading skills are approaching year end grade levels". They were words every parent wants to hear about their child. This little blessing is turning out to be a great person and I am so proud of her.

As I sat in the conference and listened to all of these positive statements about my daughter I felt so warm inside to know my daughter is moving in the right direction. I was not surprised by any of the words but it was so nice to have confirmation from someone outside the family at how good a person my daughter has turned out to be.

With all of these positive words I do have a concern. I know I will be going away in the near future for an unspecified period of time due to my transgressions. I need to ensure my daughter and son continues their exemplary behavior. I know it will have an effect on them by me not being around for whatever period of time the Judge decides but I want them to know I love them and will always love them.

What Daddy did was caused by a sickness and Daddy is taking his medicine to get better. Part of this medicine will require Daddy to go away so he can get better. I will tell my daughter when the time comes what I did and I will not hold anything back from her. She needs to know the truth and what I am doing to ensure this never happens again. People do make mistakes but sometimes when you make big mistakes there is a punishment and this punishment is there to deter others from doing the same things. I know my son will not fully understand but when he is old enough I will explain it to him as well.

What I have done has hurt my family tremendously but I am learning to be a better person, a better husband and father. I will continue on my road to recovery one day at a time. The future is still uncertain but I like the progress I have had made in the past 8 1/2 months which makes each day worth living.

The Voice of a Child

There were two separate episodes over the last few days where my children have absolutely blown me a way with their incredible innocence. The first episode happened on Sunday evening when my son and I were wrestling around and his head collided with my nose. Those of you who know what I look like would know my nose does get in the way and it did just that in this particular incident. I was standing above my son as he was moving from the floor to get up and his head nailed my nose full on. It hurt so much when his head hit my nose that I felt my eyes move back into my head. I instantly grabbed for my nose and noticed the blood which came trickling out. I did not yell nor scream at my son because it was an honest accident and these things happen. I made my way over to sink and grabbed a paper towel so not to get blood all over the house.

After a few minutes the blood subsided and my son ask me; "Daddy, can you die if you EAT blood?" I told him no you cannot die if you eat blood but if too much blood comes out of your body you can die. He went on to say; "Daddy that happened to you, you died awhile ago." This is a very interesting comment because 8 months and 11 days ago a part of me did die but he was in no way referring to this, I am not sure what he was referring to because afterall he is four years old and sometimes his thoughts can get a little confusing. I told him if I did die he wouldn't be able to see me again because I would be gone. My daughter added, "Daddy would be in Heaven". My son, daughter and I got into a conversation about God, angels and Jesus Christ. Please keep in mind my son is 4 years old and my daughter is 7 years old.

My son asked me who was that "guy" at church on the "sword"? The "sword" he was referring to is the cross and the "guy" he was referring to was Jesus Christ which I explained to my son and then my son asked me "IS THIS HEAVEN?" He wanted to know if we were in heaven right now and I thought this to be a remarkable question. I told him this was an outstanding question and one I would leave up to him to answer for himself when he got older. However, I did answer him from my perspective. I told him YES I THINK THIS IS HEAVEN because we are all together as a family and I love them so very much.

To me yes, I do believe in a Higher Power and I do believe in Heaven. My heaven is right here and right now because it doesn't get any better than my family. For years I tried to ignore what I had and looked for something better but there is NOTHING better than what has been blessed upon me by God. My family is awesome and each day is better than the last. Sometimes it does take a "significant wake-up call" to figure out what I had been looking for was right in front of me. I don't take those things for granted anymore; the love I have in my life is astonishing and my family is wonderful.

The second episode happened last night with my daughter. She came up to me and ask me; "If SHIT is a bad word?" She had heard the word at school and she is in the second grade. She told me who the person was who said this in her class and she also wanted to know what SHIT meant. I told her that yes, it is a bad word and it is called profanity. I briefly explained what profanity was and told her we try to use other words not profane words because these words are disrespectful and bad. I also explained to her that SHIT is another word for poop. I told her we prefer to say poop because it is more respectful.

I didn't fly off the handle when she asked me these questions and I was so impressed she came to me with these questions. Her main concern was with the definition of the word she really wanted to know what it meant. I think I did a good job explaining the word and explaining profane words and to not to use those words. Hopefully, she will continue to come home and keep asking these questions of my wife and me.

Yes, she is only in the second grade and children do grow up so fast. I cannot control what others say around my daughter I can only give her the tools to hopefully make the right choices later on in life. As long as we continue the open communication and she is not afraid to ask us these questions I know my daughter will do great because she is such a sweet child and my love for her is endless.

Exceptional Days

What a great weekend it was; it started like like mostly all of my weekends have in the past 8 months with my Saturday morning Gamblers Anonymous meeting which I have the honor of being a Co-Secretary. This week was my turn to administer the meeting and I chose a somewhat new member to help chair the meeting. It is so nice to get people involved in the Program because I know it has helped me tremendously over these past 8 months. My term of being a Co-Secretary is coming to end at the end of December because we rotate the position every 6 months. I have been very blessed by Gamblers Anonymous and although I won't be a Co-Secretary in January I will still attend the meeting because the Program has been a Godsend for me.

I have to say this again and I will continue to say this over and over again; my fellow members in GA are fantastic people and I am so grateful to have them as part of my life. Each member has given me such strength and hope. I know there is life after gambling and it is a beautiful life with a strong sense of purpose.

Saturday evening we had friends over for dinner. These friends do represent my new life and I truly consider them good friends. I would also like to add they are friends with my wife as well. I met them through the GA Program and we share a great many common interests. Of course the one main interest was gambling and although our gambling "types" were different we still could not control it which led us to seek help. My friend has been in the program one year longer than I and I am so thankful to have met this person.

I made lasagna topped with my father's homemade spaghetti sauce. Of course me being the "picky" eater that I am I had to make two trays of lasagna; one for me and one for everyone else! My lasagna had only mozzarella cheese in it while the other tray had ricotta and mozzarella cheese in it. As most of you know I am a vegetarian and eat very little in the way of dairy products. The only dairy products I consume are mozzarella cheese and yogurt so I couldn't add the ricotta cheese to my lasagna. The dinner went very well, the lasagnas and sauce came out great. Everyone enjoyed themselves and the evening went very quickly. It was a lovely way to spend a Saturday evening.

On Sunday other friends of ours were kind enough to invite our family to Knottsberry Farm which is an amusement park about an hour away from our home. The park had a promotion for Armed Forces Veterans and our friends were gracious enough to ask if we wanted to join them. We said yes and the 8 of us had a great time. They have children the same ages as ours and everyone usually gets along very well. Sunday was no exception; the girls and especially even the boys got along great.

This particular amusement park has lots of roller coasters and most of them my son did not meet the minimum height requirement but he was okay with it. My daughter who is seven LOVES roller coasters and she was in Heaven on Sunday. We went on a category 5 (which is the highest "thrill" level) roller coaster together. She had a blast and wanted to go on it again. This roller coaster was of the design of the "older" wooden type roller coasters which did not go up side down but it had serious drops and serious turns at high speeds. I would rate this roller coaster as "violent" but this did not deter my daughter from loving the ride. Yes, she was screaming the whole time but this scream was done with a smile from ear to ear. What an amazing child she is.

I was also able to go on an "adult" roller coaster with my friend which went upside down several times and it also had many many twists and turns while dangling from the seat on the roller coaster. The ride was very quick but I thought it was great because I never experienced gravity forces (G-forces) before. I thought it to be quite "cool" to have my face and legs compressed as we were twisting, looping and turning through the ride. I think my daughter will love this ride when she gets tall enough to ride it.

We had packed a picnic lunch so we were not subjected to the $80 lunch tab!! There wasn't any episodes or incidents with anyone and it was a fabulous day. This was great way to spend a Sunday with the family as my son said; "it was a GREAT family day".

Collateral Damage

In war casualties are often referred to as "collateral damage". Here is a story about how casino gambling has "helped" an Iowa town but see if you can find the "collateral damage" left behind by this "success" story. The story is from an Allentown, Pennsylvania newspaper discussing the newly created slot machine bill which will be implemented in 14 Pennsylvania towns in the next two years.

One city's jackpot is neighbor's bust

Decade of casinos shows host town in Iowa reaps benefits but region shares in gambling's woes.

A river town settled by religious immigrants found itself at a crossroads. Its industry once a cornerstone to the nation's economy had collapsed, leaving thousands of fathers without the jobs they thought they could pass on to their sons.

Then deep-pocketed casino operators arrived, promising to make things better. They could deliver thousands of jobs and hundreds of millions in investment dollars if city leaders would just allow them to bring gambling to town.

This is not Bethlehem.

It's Council Bluffs, Iowa, where, with most of the railroad jobs gone and the tax base flat, city leaders agonized through the same gambling debate in the mid-1990s that Bethlehem is going through today.

As gambling celebrates its 10-year anniversary in Council Bluffs, the Missouri River town settled by Mormons in the mid-1800s may hold answers for Pennsylvania communities debating the arrival of casinos.

No, gambling did not bring organized crime, prostitutes or riff-raff to Council Bluffs' streets.

Yes, the almost nine million people that 4,000 slot machines lure to town each year have brought almost runaway economic development, booming housing growth and thousands of new construction, service and retail jobs.

Whether gambling in Council Bluffs is considered a success depends on who is doing the judging.

What has become a $430 million-a-year industry for this city of 60,000 also has unmasked hundreds (maybe a bit of an understatement) of addicted gamblers in the community, increased petty crime, helped run some family restaurants out of business, increased bankruptcies statewide and irritated its neighbors across the river in Omaha, Neb.

In Council Bluffs, where residents enjoy the benefits of their new senior center, a library four times the size of their previous one and more than $1 billion worth of development since the casinos opened, the answer from most people to whether gambling has been a success is a resounding yes.

Just across the river — nearly as close as Allentown is to Bethlehem — where Omaha's blossoming skyline has for years cast a shadow of superiority over Council Bluffs, some residents are angry: angry that more than 70 percent of the people who drop money in Council Bluffs slot machines are from Nebraska, while most of the benefits of gambling remain on the Iowa side of the Missouri. Angry that Omaha residents who could be spending their disposable income in Omaha restaurants and businesses are losing it in Council Bluffs.

And they are angry that despite rejecting gambling in their city, they are forced to share a border with a ''casino town.''

''We're not a casino town,'' shoots back Council Bluffs Mayor Tom Hanafan to anyone who criticizes his decision to embrace gambling. ''We're survivors.''

It's that same philosophical face-off that has been raging in Bethlehem for months. During public meetings attended by as many as 700 people, church group members, some of whose descendants settled Bethlehem, quoted the Bible and begged City Council to ban gambling in the city.

Competing for one of 14 gambling licenses to be issued statewide as early as next year would be foolish and immoral, they said. The slots parlor would suck the life from local businesses and bring crime. Their beloved Christmas City would never be the same. It would become a casino town, they warned. On the other side of the aisle were out-of-work steel workers who pleaded for city leaders to use gambling as a tool. Use it to preserve the vacant remnants of Bethlehem Steel's south Bethlehem plant. Use the draw of gambling to replace the jobs lost when the steel giant closed. Gambling, they argued, would help them survive.

''Right now, I think we're making a mistake because this has the potential to change our city for the worse,'' said Bethlehem Councilman Gordon Mowrer, a Moravian minister and former city mayor whose proposal to ban gambling through a zoning change failed by a council vote of 4-3.

''Some day, I hope I can look back on this and say I was wrong.

''Today, Council Bluffs residents have a decade of casino life to look back on. Perhaps the best assessment of that time was cast in the voting booth. In 2002, when Iowa residents were asked whether they wanted gambling to stay in their state as they will be asked every eight years under Iowa law 79 percent voted yes.

Meanwhile, last year in neighboring Nebraska, 65 percent of the voters rejected a plan to build two casinos in Omaha to prevent gambling money from flowing into Council Bluffs. The failed campaign to bring gambling to Nebraska was led by Las Vegas Sands, the same casino operator proposing a $300 million casino and hotel complex for south Bethlehem.

Nebraska gambling opponents and Council Bluffs residents both celebrated the vote.

Railroad town

The tangle of tracks snaking through the center of Council Bluffs lay as a monument to a proud past, when 15 railroad companies employed thousands of residents and dominated the city's blue-collar economy for a century.

Embezzlement in England

Compulsive gambling it is a horrible disease and makes people do horrible things and it seems to happen all over the world. Below is a story from England and please keep in mind the amount should be doubled to convert it to U.S. dollars. I don't know how much this person has paid back nor do I know what type of treatment he is getting for his compulsive gambling disorder. Here is the article:

Stockbroker jailed for stealing £370k to feed net gambling addiction

A STOCKBROKER who stole more than £370,000 from his firm to fund his gambling addiction has been jailed for two-and-a-half years.

Graham Houghton, 33, embezzled cheques from Brewin Dolphin Security, an international stocks and shares company where he worked as a manager.

Newcastle Crown Court heard how over seven years Houghton got 129 chequeauthorizeded by claiming to his bosses they were going to clients.

But Houghton, who had an addiction to on-line gambling, horse racing and casinos, had run up almost half-a-million pounds-worth of debt and was using the stolen cash to cover it.

Prosecutor Kingsley Hyland told the court: "This was a systematic breach of trust on a significant scale over a seven year period. The defendant was in a significant position of trust and it was clear procedures of checking the legitimacy of each cheque request was not followed."

Houghton, of James Street, Sunderland, was collared after he was made redundant from the Newcastle company in 2004 and discrepancycy with one cheque sparked a more thorough investigation.

He admitted 28 charges of obtaining money transfers by deception between December 1997 and June 2004 and asked for further similar charges to be taken into account.

Defence barrister Richard Bloomfield told the court how Houghton's gambling affliction has been diagnosed as a mental illness by his GP.

Mr Bloomfield said: "He did not misappropriate the money with the intention of forever keeping it, but it was a spiral he got into which he could not get out of. "

A Few Degrees of separation

Thank you to everyone who has expressed their concerns over yesterday's blog. Each day I am amazed at how many outstanding people are involved in my life. I am a truly blessed person. I appreciate everything everyone has done for me and I especially appreciate your thoughts and prayers. As I referred in the posting yesterday; this entire situation has been self-inflicted and I am the only one to blame for it. With that said I cannot continue to blame myself for the past. I must put it in its proper place and move on. I am moving on and learning each and every day. I will never forget what I have done to my family but I need to continue to be the person I am capable of being and I will be this person each and every day.

Today was an interesting day; a fellow Gamblers Anonymous member was kind enough to invite me to a Golf Tournament for the benefit of dogs who assist disabled persons. It truly is a worthy cause. These dogs help disable people cope with their every day lives and are truly remarkable canines. I have played in many golf tournaments in the past mostly through my previous employer and each tournament was always a good time. Today even though my foursome (golf term for people who I played golf with) was very new to me the day was fantastic and we had a great time playing a round of golf for a worthy cause.

We were actually only a threesome because our fourth person did not show. Our fourth person was supposed to be Kevin Dobson from Knots Landing and Kojak fame. When I walked up to the golf cart and saw the player's names I was scheduled to play with this name of Kevin Dobson sounded familiar. I asked my playing part who is this person and he told me Kevin is an actor and played on Knots Landing and Kojak television programs.

The name also sounded very familiar for some other reason and I remembered why. In 1978 Mr. Dobson presented my Father with an award given to Firefighters who exhibited bravery and courage in the line of duty. I was 12 years old at the time and I remember my father receiving this award and getting an autographed poster of Mr. Dobson. Here it is 27 years later and I had a chance to play golf with this same person 3,000 miles away from where he presented my father with the award. It certainly is a small world.

Unfortunately Mr. Dobson could not make it due to a schedule mix up but my playing partner did call him and mention the award he had given to my Dad. Much to Mr. Dobson credit he did remember giving the award to my father some 27 years ago. I guess all of us human beings have very few degrees of separation because you never know who you may meet next and who they know in your life. Life is very fascinating and I am thankful for all of those blessings that have been bestowed upon me by God. I am thankful for everything and everyone in my life.

It's Coming

Today was a court day and it was different than any other court session in the fact that I didn't have to attend until the afternoon session. My attorney has been kind enough to call me before coming down to the courthouse so my wife and I can stay home until my case is called. The phone call didn't come until 12:15 pm because my attorney was in chambers with the Judge and the Assistant District Attorney for a long period of time this morning. I didn't know what to expect when I got to court because my wife answered the phone call from my attorney telling us to come down to the court at 1:30 pm.

My wife (who has been beyond remarkable through this whole episode) and I drove to court and sat in on one case prior to my case being called. It was a sentencing for an individual who had been convicted of molesting his daughter. We sat through the sentencing which included the defense's reason for probation, the Assistant District Attorney's reasons for incarceration and the Judge's final decision. Some of the testimony (I think that is the correct term) was very uncomfortable to listen to and in the end the Judge sentenced this individual to probation and 180 days in the County Jail to be served on weekends.

Yes, my gambling has brought me into the same company of child molesters, rapists, murderers and other violent criminals. Mine is certainly a serious crime and I am so very sorry to those I have affected. There is nothing I can do to change those actions of the past. I can only concentrate on today and today only. I have chronicled how God, my family, friends and Gamblers Anonymous have helped me tremendously through this horrible ordeal. I am making restitution to the victim and will continue to do this until the debt has been fully paid. What I did was very wrong and yes, compulsive gambling led me to this behavior but those were my actions and come next year I will face the full consequences for those actions.

Getting back to the court session; as I stood in front of the Judge and had a few questions directed my way. I really didn't fully understand what was going on but I soon found out what was going on. There will be a pre-sentencing hearing in January and I am facing a maximum of 4 years in the California State Prison System. Yes, the offense I committed is very serious and this is the punishment. Our country is the greatest country in the world and when you (I) commit a crime there is a form of punishment and this punishment is prison.

It is a fact that the days, weeks and months will pass until the time I will be sentenced. I will continue learning, loving, embracing and recovering as each day goes by one moment at a time. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me; I brought this upon myself and will suffer the consequences for it. Life has gotten so much better in the past 8 months and it keeps getting better one day at a time as I abstain from gambling and work my recovery to the fullest.

Mathematics Award

My daughter certainly woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning but once she got to school her day had brightened. My daughter and I have an understanding which is every day she wakes up by herself, gets dressed, makes her bed, brushes her hair and teeth and goes downstairs to have breakfast. If she does all of these things each week she gets her allowance of $1 on Friday. She has been great the past four weeks getting up without an incident; however; for some reason today was different. She doesn't like it if my wife or I go into her room before she gets out of bed. This morning my wife had to get something out of my daughter's room while my daughter was still in bed. My daughter took exception to this and thought she wasn't going to get her allowance because Mom had to wake her up. I quickly explained to her if she got up and did the things she was supposed to do then she would still get her allowance.

My daughter has a bit of a stubborn (I wonder where she gets this from??) streak in her and carried on and on about my wife waking her up. She took a very long time to get out of bed and was almost late for school. In fact, when she got to school she was crying because she thought she was late. This little girl puts so much pressure on herself my wife and I have to be careful not to add any further pressure because it would be detrimental. When she got to class everyone in her class asked her why she was crying and her response; "I don't want to talk about it!!"

Her mood quickly changed when the class was departing for the Awards Assembly and her teacher told her she was getting an award. My wife, myself and our son were in the auditorium to watch her receive this award. It was an award for excellence in mathematics. She really is quite good at math and it comes very easy. (I guess she takes after her Aunts!) I am amazed at some of her homework problems; she is in the second grade and is very good at deciphering word problems. She really is doing a form of pre-algebra. I am not sure who is going to be able to help her with her math homework when she gets to the sixth grade because it will be well beyond my expertise!! She is a great girl and I love her so much. I was so happy to be able to be there this morning and watch her receive this award. Her early morning tears gave way to her big beautiful smile.

As I was reading the A Day at a Time book from Gamblers Anonymous I noticed a reference to the seven deadly sins. I didn't know what the seven deadly sins were so I looked them up and they are pride, envy, gluttony, lust, anger, greed and sloth. These are in order and I had no idea pride was a deadly sin. I thought pride was a good characteristic but I was very wrong. In terms of the seven deadly sins pride is defined as excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity. I understand vanity and I now understand why pride would be the gateway to all the other deadly sins.

My pride/vanity lead me into a destructive path because I thought I was better than everyone else and could do things my way. I completely lost touch with the grace of God and thought I was the one that could fix everything. I fooled myself and now I understand; for the grace of God go I NOT the other way around. I can't fix everything, I don't know everything and I am certainly not better than anyone else.

I have written this before everyday I try to learn something new and today was no exception. Pride/vanity in myself led to false thinking which led to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. Now with the grace of God, my family, friends and the fellowship of Gamblers Anonymous I recognize I am not the one who is all knowing and all powerful; yes, my humiliation has led me to humility.

The Chase

First off; Halloween went very well and the children got a great deal of candy. So much candy in fact we started to recycle it back to the other treat or treaters!! I am not sure if my children enjoy getting or giving out the candy more? They certainly had a good time going around the neighbor and trick or treating but they seemed to have as good a time maybe even better giving out the candy to the other trick or treaters. Both my daughter and son stayed outside for an hour giving away our candy which was so nice to see them getting more pleasure in giving rather than receiving.

I have tried to instill in our children that it is always better to give than receive and it seems to be working. I have had my doubts when it comes to Christmas and birthdays but these little moments like giving away the Halloween candy I can see little glimpses of hope. They are great children and like I have said in the past I am blessed by God to be in their presence.

Tonight was the first Tuesday of the month and in Gamblers Anonymous this means an Intergroup meeting which is the business portion of the Program. My sponsor chairs the meeting and as is always the case the meeting went very well with some very mild diversions. When you get 50 "seasoned" Gamblers Anonymous members in a room together there seems to be a tendency to get off tract but my sponsor does a remarkable job keeping things running smoothly.

I didn't have to go the meeting alone I got to ride down with two other members and these are the times the Program works in its mysterious ways. Our drive down is about 45 minutes each way and to pass the time we talk about a number of topics such as our children's interest, GamAnon, and of course our past gambling experiences. While we were discussing our past gambling experiences we talked about the "Chase". This is the second time in as many days where I found myself addressing this subject. Yesterday someone asked me to define the "Chase" as it relates to me and tonight we were all talking about how insane the "Chase" really is.

The definition I gave about the "Chase" yesterday was a long winded almost sermon like answer. As I reflect on our discussion this evening I can sum up my answer a little more clearly. The "Chase" to me is like the dog chasing his tail which he never seems to get. My gambling career was very much like this dog. Instead of chasing my tail I chased something that was never attainable because no matter how big the win or how big the loss it was NEVER ENOUGH and wouldn't be ever enough because I could not control myself. Now I understand I was chasing something that wasn't even there it was an illusion which was created by me. I think it was created when I was conceived because it was hard wired into my brain which led me on the path of self-destruction.

I finally understand that it is just an illusion and I am not like "normal" people when it comes to gambling because I cannot stop myself. Thank God for Gamblers Anonymous because without this fantastic Fellowship I would be alone on this horrific journey. I am not alone and I don't have to do this alone. Through the grace of God and the Fellowship of Gamblers Anonymous it has been 8 months and 3 days since my last wager and my life continues to get better. The "illusion" has been put in its proper place and I choose not to chase this illusion today.

Happy Halloween!!

Happy Halloween to all those who celebrate Halloween. Tonight my children and my wife will go trick or treating while I stay home and dole out the candy to the treat or treaters. My daughter is going as a half devil and half angel which is appropriate for her. Actually she really is an angel but like most of us she has her moments. My son is going as the Red Power Ranger. Now I thought the Power Rangers went out of fashion a few years ago but they seem to have resurrected themselves. In typical four year old boy fashion he loves the Power Rangers because they get to beat up people.

It is unusually warm for Halloween but so goes the weather in Southern California. Today the temperature will top out at 90 degrees with the warm winds blowing from the east. These winds really dry things out and have a tendency to spark some wild fires. Hopefully, Halloween will be a safe day.

On Saturday we had a celebration Gamblers Anonymous meeting with two birthdays. One member was celebrating 3 years of abstinence from gambling and another member 2 years. Both of these members have had a big influence on my recovery and it is wonderful to see people having a successful recovery the Program certainly works if you work it. As always the meeting was very nice and because these two members are so well liked all of the comments were extremely positive. We really have a special group of people in our Gamblers Anonymous fellowship and I am honored to be a part of it.

As you can see over the past few days I have been posting stories relating to gambling and compulsive gambling. These stories really help in my recovery because there is always hope. The amazing issue regarding yesterday's article was at 61 years old the lady decided to change her life. It really doesn't matter how old your are or what type of situation compulsive gambling has gotten you into, you can always recover by taking the necessary steps. This lady has been gamble free for 15 years and at the young age of 75 she is looking forward in her life one day at a time.

One line in the article read; "the stories of the same", I would have to disagree because the stories maybe different but the cause is always the same; "compulsive gamblers simply cannot stop gambling". It really wasn't simple for me because I could not stop gambling even though I had numerous wake up calls along the way I continued to gamble. Not until I was face with utter devastation did I finally admit I am a compulsive gambler and I need help. These two things are the keys in my recovery; number one I am a compulsive gambler and will be one the rest of my life but it doesn't mean I have to continue reliving those past mistakes and number two; I need help because I cannot do this myself. I tried to do it myself and failed miserably. Through my Higher Power, the Gamblers Anonymous Program, my family and my friends I am not alone in battling this disease. I can arrest this disease but it must be arrested one day at a time.

Deep in the Brains of Gamblers

This article sums up my 20 plus year struggle with compulsive gambling and also points to hope. I know there is hope because I am very involved with Gamblers Anonymous, I have a wonderful support network from my family and friends and I know I am not alone on this journey. My life is full of hope because I am finally living openly and honestly one day at a time.

Deep in the Brains of Gamblers

Researchers have found that pathological gambling is a disease: The brains of addicts are wired differently than those of nongamblers.

The day that Marilyn Lancelot won the biggest jackpot of her life, she left the casino in Yuma, Ariz., with every penny of the $4,000 that had poured out of the slot machines. This time she knew that she would never gamble again.

She was right, although not for the reasons she thought. The next day, seven police cars appeared in her Phoenix driveway and she was taken out of her house in handcuffs. Lancelot, a 61-year-old grandmother had embezzled more than $300,000 from her employer to support her gambling addiction.

"I had something wrong with me," says Lancelot, now 75 and living in a retirement community in Phoenix. "Some people can't think that gambling is an illness but maybe it is. I know that I couldn't stop. My head wouldn't let me."Lancelot's turn of phrase contains clinical truth.

Researchers are learning that the heads -- or to be more accurate, the brains -- of pathological gamblers are biologically different from those of most of the estimated 73 million Americans who are able to play bingo, pull the arm of a slot machine or flip some aces and then simply stop. Not only does the research shed light on how this addiction is both similar and distinct from other addictive disorders, it also could contribute to new treatments.

An easy temptation

The need is undeniable. With legalized gambling in 48 states, 40 states with lotteries and online gambling available in any home with Internet access and a credit card, the triumph of the occasional big win has been accompanied by a rich yield of individual lives in shambles.

About 1.6 percent of Americans have a full-blown gambling addiction and an additional 2 percent have a serious problem with gambling, says Jon Grant, assistant professor of psychiatry at Brown Medical School and author of Stop Me Because I Can't Stop Myself (McGraw Hill, 2003). By these estimates, nearly 4 percent of the population experiences a mild to severe gambling problem -- and as the number of gamblers goes up, so does the number of those with a gambling problem.

Now, with the aid of neuroimaging techniques and a greater understanding of neurotransmitters, researchers are discovering that the brain's hard-wired reward system and frontal lobes have certain unique characteristics in these gamblers. Even some of their personalities and genes may be different from those without gambling problems."We are finding that pathological gambling is very definitely a brain disease," says Timothy Fong, a psychiatrist and co-director of the Gambling Studies Program at the University of California, Los Angeles.

"The central question is: Were pathological gamblers born that way or are the changes in their brains the results of excessive gambling? We are far from answering that question in a meaningful way."

Stories are the same

Pathological, or compulsive, gamblers simply cannot stop gambling, even when their losses cripple their lives. The narratives, though as unique as each life, have a similar trajectory: a fascination, then obsession with gambling, punctuated by a few wins and colossal losses often involving houses, jobs, personal relations and savings, finally resulting in a shattered life.

Nearly 20 percent of pathological gamblers have filed for bankruptcy protection, compared with 4.2 percent of nongamblers. But perhaps a more telling, and certainly more tragic consequence, is that compulsive gamblers are nearly four times as likely to have attempted suicide than noncompulsive gamblers.

The explanation for why gambling is the drug of choice for one person, and for another it's heroin is still unknown. But the key to most addictions can be found in the brain's reward system, particularly a region called the ventral striatum. Neuroimaging studies of compulsive gamblers point to a different functioning in this neural system.

A study published in February in the journal Nature Neuroscience compared 12 pathological gamblers and 12 healthy people. While lying in a functional magnetic resonance imaging machine, all were asked to choose a playing card by pressing a button. If the card was red, they won money; otherwise they lost money.The task activated the ventral striatum, an area of the brain that is primed for pleasure and reward-seeking behavior. But the experience of pleasure was far less pronounced for pathological gamblers. The more serious the gambling problem, the less activation of that region.

When the area is working normally, it responds to pleasure stimuli -- such as winning money or getting a gift -- filling us with a sense of happiness or satisfaction. When it is not working properly, as in cocaine addicts, this area seems almost indifferent. What would make a normal person react does nothing for people addicted to substances or behaviors. Even more stimuli, such as drugs, alcohol or gambling, are needed to feel the pleasure from a particular activity.

Research presented at the American Academy of Neurology meeting in April found that executive function, the brain circuitry that underlies inhibition and self-control, was deeply impaired in pathological gamblers. These impairments made the gamblers unable to truly comprehend the trade-off between short-term reward and long-term negative consequences.

And many studies suggest that compulsive gamblers may have reduced frontal-lobe activity, which may in turn be triggered by decreased activity in the basal ganglia, a deeper part of the forebrain that generates two important neurotransmitters called dopamine and norepine-phrine.

The feel-good neurotransmitter dopamine, in particular, has intrigued those studying compulsive gamblers. Several studies have looked at a dopamine receptor gene and have found real differences in the structure of that gene between gamblers and nongamblers.

That genetic predisposition has direct consequences on brain chemistry. The dopamine receptor sites in the midbrain that are driven by anticipation, but uncertain of the rewards, are especially sensitive. They require more and more dopamine to create the rush of happiness and satisfaction.

When gambling is the trigger for the dopamine rush, a vicious cycle is created.Drug results are encouragingUntil now, treatment has consisted primarily of cognitive behavioral therapy, which can help gamblers control impulses. But increasing understanding of the neurobiology of the disorder may result in new and more effective treatments.

One promising treatment is the drug naltrexone. In several preliminary studies, that drug reduced the urge to gamble and when gambling occurred, there was much less enjoyment or enthusiasm for it. Side effects can be unpleasant, and the drug can be toxic to the liver.

Marilyn Lancelot credits her recovery to a treatment program, not with drugs. She changed her behavior and simply stopped gambling. For other people, more intensive supportive therapy is necessary, or even placement in a residential treatment facility where each hour of the day is scheduled.

Lancelot now boasts a triple-A credit rating, works part time and is saving money. In January she will celebrate 15 years of being free from gambling. "I'll bet that the next 15 will be even better," she says. "But I don't bet."

Gambling in Illinois

Imagine if this were to happen in California a few years from now, I think the tribes would be up in arms. I am sure this is much ado about nothing and Illinois has always been a "crazy" state when it came to casino gambling but the legislators are threatening to abolish the industry which is surely making the casino operators "crazy". Also please notice there is no mention about problem gambling in this article; it is all about the money and how to get a piece. Finally, Illinois has the highest tax rate on the operators in the country so it can never be "enough". Here is the article;

Gambling bill frightens East Peoria

EAST PEORIA - City officials Friday considered Illinois House Speaker Michael Madigan's latest legislative maneuver the equivalent of popping a balloon behind their backs.

It caused no immediate harm and probably will amount to nothing. But Madigan's decision to push a bill to abolish riverboat gambling statewide through the House left local officials contemplating a few choice words in response.

The 67-42 vote was "irresponsible," East Peoria city attorney Dennis Triggs said.

"It certainly is" scaring smaller cities like East Peoria that have come to rely heavily on the local gambling tax revenues the state's nine riverboats provide, City Council Commissioner Harold Fogelmark said.

If that revenue were to suddenly disappear, "The city would survive, but it'd be a serious blow and we'd have to restructure the (city) budget," Triggs said.

Under one scenario, the city would have to nearly double its property tax rate to replace the $4 million it receives annually in gambling taxes from the Par-A-Dice Riverboat Casino, City Administrator Tom Brimberry said. While the money is used only for capital projects and not for general operations, it still amounts to nearly 13 percent of the city's current budget.

Madigan said Thursday the state's Riverboat Gambling Act, which legalized casino gambling in 1991, is "broke" and should be retooled to provide a "fair return" to state residents in exchange for the millions the casinos' owners have made.

"Obviously, we're concerned (the state) would be looking" at abolishing the gaming law, said Rob Stillwell, spokesman for Boyd Gaming Inc. of Las Vegas, which owns the Par-A-Dice. "I think any business would be. We'll be monitoring it very closely."

City officials consider the Thursday vote merely a shot over the bow of the state's riverboat casino industry and don't expect the Senate to even consider a gaming ban.

The vote, however, prompted them to reflect on the impact the Par-A-Dice has come to wield, not only on the city's budget, but on recent and future public/private development projects and the Peoria area's economic health in general.

Nearly three-quarters of the city's usual $4 million share of gambling taxes - another $4 million goes to the city of Peoria - covers annual debt payments on loans the city required for several major projects. Those include EastSide Centre and the coming Embassy Suites hotel and city-owned convention center.

"You'd have to put up a for-sale sign" at the city's EastPort Marina as well, said city Public Works Director Rick Jeremiah.

The remaining $1 million this budget year will pay for new police cars and fire department equipment and further development of the RiverFront Park.

With about 1,000 employees, the Par-A-Dice has become the fifth-largest non-manufacturing employer in the Peoria area, behind the two largest hospitals and colleges, said East Peoria Chamber of Commerce Director Charles Moore.

As a tourist draw, the Par-A-Dice has become the area's driving engine. Millions of dollars in sales and hotel tax revenue now arrive into the area economy with visitors who "intermix" a trip to the casino with other recreational activities, Brimberry said.

And with its boat and adjacent hotel, the Par-A-Dice has an assessed property tax evaluation of $5.5 million, second in the city only to Caterpillar Inc.'s properties.

"Think of the impact that has on the local school and property districts," Brimberry said.

Dreams

My son maybe the happiest person on the face of this earth. He always has a smile on his face and even when he gets into trouble he still has this smile. Sometimes it is very difficult to discipline him because he is so darn happy. He is even happy when he is half asleep. My wife has gotten him into the habit of waking him up before she and I go to bed. He still wears a pull-up (kid diaper) when he goes to sleep because he has a habit of not being able to get up and go to the bathroom and my wife was very tired of changing his sheets. Every evening before my wife and I go to bed she wakes up my son and takes him to the bathroom. Most people are little annoyed when they are woken up like my daughter but not my son. He walks half asleep to the bathroom does his business and always gives me a smile which makes my heart melt. He is so very precious and I love him so very much.

In Gamblers Anonymous I have heard many people say they have "gambling dreams" when they first enter the Program. I haven't had any gambling dreams when I first entered the Program maybe because I was pre-occupied with my other situation because I had many "other" type dreams. Usually these dreams had to do with my previous employment and people who I worked with. Last night was my first "gambling dream" and it was very vivid.

I was in a car going to a convenience store to get milk and bread but for some reason this convenience store was very far from my house and it was in a wooded area. I pulled up to the convenience store to find it was closed. I pulled my car around to the back of the store in a very wooded area and for some reason decided to call a bookie to place a bet. I dialed the telephone number, spoke to someone and started to place my bets. As I was placing my bets I kept hearing the voices of my son and daughter. I don't know what they were saying but I heard there voices quite clearly. As I put the bets in the voices kept getting louder and louder. I couldn't concentrate on my bets and I finally told the bookie to cancel all of my bets. I looked around my car for my children and they weren't there. Their voices were in my head and thank God they were.

I know this was only a dream but at least my subconscious is starting to get my recovery. Early on in my recovery I had a very wise man with 5 years of abstinence from gambling tell me; "every time you think about placing a wager you think about your family and what you are taking away from them as you place that wager and don't make that wager". As I was trying to place the wager in my dream I heard the voices of my children which stopped me from getting on that slippery slope to death.

My 20 plus years of gambling I didn't have these thoughts in fact I had no thoughts; I just placed wagers without fear of the consequences. There are some very significant consequences for me to gambling again and the most significant one would be losing my family. This is not a risk I am willing to take. Today marks eight months from my last wager and it really has been an incredible eight months. I look forward to many more and I know the road to getting there is paved one day at a time.

Confucius

"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fall." --Confucius. Obviously Confucius was a very wise man who was born over 2500 years ago. Yes, I would consider what I have done to myself and my family as a failure but I must rise and move forward. Without rising and moving forward through positive purpose life would not have any mean. Living with a positive purpose and cherishing all of the blessings God has bestowed upon me makes life that much better. Also, living life in reality (not fantasy) and being in touch (which means being honest with myself) with myself makes a true life.

The fundamental virtue of Confucianism (say that three times fast!!) is love others. Fairly simple philosophy but sometimes is hard to put into practice. To love others one has to love themselves. How can you give something away that you do not have? Answer; you cannot. Over the past 20 years I have never looked inside myself and did not know the true person. I had an idea of who I wanted to be but I didn't know who I was. (Make sense?) Over the past 8 months I have looked inside honestly and truthfully; and I am starting to discover who I am. I know what I am not so now I have to work on what I am.

Some of the tenets of Confucianism are benevolence, charity, humanity, love and kindness. This works both ways internally and externally. I have to be these things to myself before I can give these gifts away. Self-worth is not determined by how much money I have in the bank it is determined by how I value my self. I am getting better and have a long way to go. I have so much more to learn and this will never stop as each day passes I learn more and more. I am enlightened by how much I continue to learn. Once I stop learning I stop living this is why I choose to learn something one day at a time.

Yesterday's article "Gambling Obsession Hurts Entire Family" is so true. My wife and children have been hurt by MY compulsive gambling actions. This is one of the horrible side effects of compulsive gambling. Not only does the compulsive gambler ruin their life but the lives of their loved ones. In many cases the loved ones leave the compulsive gambler and rightfully so. But in other cases the loved ones support the compulsive gambler. Thank God in my case my loved ones have supported me through this horrible ordeal. Every day I thank God for these wonderful people because without them my life would not exist. I thank everyone for standing by me through this terrible time. I will get through this and be the person I am destined to be because my life was awakened some 8 months ago.

Also in the article yesterday I referred to what is manageable. Manageable to me in regards to my compulsive gambling is to not a place a wager today; this is how I manage my obsession. I know there are many theories which may suggest "responsible" gambling but in my case "responsible" would soon turn into "irresponsible" in a blink of an eye. I now know one of my limitations which is to not gamble today and everything else will take care of itself.

I cannot think of yesterday only to put it in its proper context and who knows what tomorrow will bring so today is my most precious commodity along with all of my blessings. I am so thankful to have failed miserably because I would still be wondering around in the abyss of my life. This abyss did have a bottom and I am so glad I found it. I continue to rise after this miserable failure and this rise finally has substance.