What a Difference

This morning I had a tremendous conversation with my older sister. When I say "tremendous" I mean this in a very positive manner. Last year at this time I know my sister and I had a very difficult time. However; one year later and having committed whole-heartily to my recovery we were able to have an extremely productive conversation about how I will break the news of my pending departure to my daughter. My sister had some great insights and gave me some very good ideas. I am truly blessed to have this remarkable person in my life.

What a difference one year and committing to my recovery has made to my growth. I know the years will go by and as someone wrote "time heals all wounds" but if I were not committed to my recovery program I know I would not have been able to have this conversation with my sister this morning. People do make mistakes and I have certainly made my share; however; the true measure of me as a person will be determined by what I do to correct these mistakes and how I face this adversity. One year later I really like the progress I have made.

I have learned some very powerful techniques through the Gamblers Anonymous Program and they have given me my life back. In getting my life back I am able to have have a great life. In this great life there is honesty, integrity, trust, willingness and nothing but positives. The lies are things of the past and hopefully this will be buried for the rest of my life. I know my gambling addiction will be with me for the rest of my life which is why I need to continue working on my recovery each and everyday.

I will recover from my compulsive gambling addiction as long as I stay in recovery. This may seem difficult to understand for some people but I must continue to work the Program and commit to my Higher Power each and every day in order for my recovery to be a success. I have met so many successful people in the Gamblers Anonymous Program and the only way they have become successful is applying the Program to their daily affairs. Each and every day I try to apply the principles of the Program in my daily affairs in order to have a normal productive life.

I wrote about a positive newspaper article which was being developed in regards to my situation. Today I read a proof of this article which was very written. I know some members of my family may have a hard time reading the article because it will bring up all wounds but unfortunately that is the story of my compulsive gambling. The positive aspect of the story is what I have been doing with this past year and how I have turned a very negative situation into a positive.

The story outlines my struggles with compulsive gambling and focuses on the positive aspects of my recovery. It informs anyone with a gambling problem that they are not alone and there is help available. I know many people don't seek help because of the shame and embarrassment but there is no need to be shamed or embarrassed. This is an insidious addiction and can strike anyone from the dock worker to the Judge and anyone else with a pulse. This addiction does not discriminate against anyone and with the proliferation of gambling will continue to effect more and more people.

Help is available but the help can only work if the person commits to getting better. For so many years I didn't know how to commit to the Program and struggled with willpower alone to battle my compulsive gambling addiction. I know willpower is ineffective in my battle and I know re-enforcement. I have found re-enforcement in the the Gamblers Anonymous Program and my Higher Power. With all of these positive aspects in my life I am no longer alone and I can continue to get better each and every day.

Los Angeles Marathon

As I wrote yesterday a marathon consists of 26.2 miles and some people feel this is a very long distance and others feel it is not. Today I had the great pleasure of taking part in the Los Angeles Marathon and it was one of those days where 26.2 miles felt very long. I am so grateful to have been given the opportunity to run in this spectacular event and I truly do live a blessed life.

It was not my best marathon and it was not my worst marathon it was somewhere in between. My goal was to run the 26.2 miles in about 3 1/2 hours or so however; unfortunately I was closer to the 4 hour range. Personally I was disappointed because I wasn't able to accomplish my time goal but I did start and finish the marathon. Starting and finishing a marathon means so much more to me than any silly personal time goal because finishing an event such as the Los Angeles Marathon is something that not many people do. This does not make me any better than any one else it just gives me a sense of accomplishment.

I was able to run with a very nice lady who was also from Southern California for the first 17 miles. This is unusual for me because all of my training and all of my previous (4) marathons had been run alone. As I ran with this total stranger and as we chatted I thought how good life has become. This nice lady was a few years older than me (I am 40 years old) and has two teenage children; a daughter 18 and a son 16. She talked about her children and how proud she was of them and I talked about my children and how proud I was of them as well. We were going at a very good pace because our time goals were essentially the same. She was more of a seasoned runner than myself with this being her 8th LA Marathon and 10th marathon overall.

I was never a big believer of coincidences in the past in fact I rarely ever thought of random events as anything because I was too fixated on my gambling. Today was a great example of my Higher Power at work; this nice lady who I met coming out of the hotel and as we walked to the start line with 25,000 other participants we were separated. However; around mile 2 I was able to spot her and run with her for the next 17 miles. I know she was put there for a reason; she is at a point in her life where I will be in the next ten years. She has been married for 25 years; has a daughter which will be going to college this September, she donates a great deal of her time to help under privileged teenagers and she runs marathons very well I might add. It appeared to me this nice lady had such a sense of serenity which was amazing and refreshing.

As we were running I was taking in everything this lady was saying and also trying to concentrate on my running form. Even though I had a great first half of the race and was right on pace to finish with my time goal I didn't feel all that great physically and my emotions were running out of gas as well. I think my emotions were running low because of the wonderful Gamblers Anonymous celebration the day before. This celebration was so emotional that by the 18 mile I was literally running on fumes. This nice lady continued her pace and I slowed my down considerably.

In the past I would have been so mad at myself for slowing down and at a few points even walking but I wasn't out there to win the race I was out there to enjoy myself and take life in. I had the pleasure of meeting a total stranger and sharing some great conversation for 2 hours. I was able to see the city of LA from a vantage point that not many people get to shared. I felt the inspiration from the crowd and the other runners so there was no reason to get mad at myself. Sure I would have liked to have finished the race a little faster but I would have missed the message that was presented to me. This message which has been learned from the Gamblers Anonymous Program and my Higher Power is to enjoy today because this is all I have. Today was a blessing and I am so grateful to have experienced all the things that have been presented to me.

Another one of those blessings was waiting for me at the finish line in my wife and children. As I ran across the finish line and looked for my family I had chills running down my spine; these three people are my inspiration. The moment I spotted my 8 year old daughter and saw her big bright smile I had tears in my eyes. Then I saw my son and my wife and I was filled with emotions. My son handed me a big beautiful bouquet of flowers and I was deeply touched. Then I handed the medal I received for finishing the race to my daughter and her eyes got even bigger and her smile brighter. (As a side note I alternate giving the medals to my daughter and son; today was my daughter's turn because I gave my son the medal from the last marathon.)

These are the moments in life which have a lasting meaning. All those moments I had when I was gambling were fleeting and now these moments will last forever. I am a blessed man and I have so many people to thank for teaching me all of my blessing were right in front of me. I am so happy to finally realize all the good there is to life and now I am truly experiencing and cherishing life.

Genuine Love and Affection

This morning I had the honor and privilege to celebrate my one year birthday in the Gamblers Anonymous Program with three other wonderful people who I consider my dear friends. Normally our meetings are filled with genuine love and affection but this meeting went far beyond the normal love and affection. It truly was an outstanding collection of magnificent people and there was such a deep bond between all members I was truly blown away. There were so many moments when my eyes welled up from the powerful words that were said and the emotions that were shared. I consider myself a blessed person to have these fabulous people in my life.

The meeting started out with a very dear member sharing some WOW's and the meeting continued with this incredibly theme. It will be a morning I will never forget. One of the best decisions I made happened over one year ago was to enter the Saturday Morning Gamblers Anonymous meeting and my life has been forever changed.

This morning's meeting had over 40 people attend and some of the attendees came from great distances. I was moved by all the members in attendance and I was deeply touched by those members who made it a priority to attend this meeting. Those members understand the power of the Program and the meaning of Step 12 in the Gamblers Anonymous Program; "Having made an effort to practice these principles in all our affairs, we tried to carry this message to other compulsive gamblers."

The meeting was chaired by a very close friend and this friend did a remarkable job keeping the meeting moving and keeping it on track without hurting the deep spirituality that existed in the room. This meeting was very spiritual and I am so happy to finally understand what spirituality means and how it applies to my life. I am no longer floating alone in a bubble. I am walking side by side with some remarkable people and my Higher Power is always with me.

My Higher Power has finally been discovered. It has been discovered once I got my own arrogance out of the way. I cannot go on this journey alone and I don't have to go on this journey alone. I have my dear family (which was in attendance), the Program, my friends in the Program and my friends outside of the Program and most importantly my Higher Power to get me through each and every day.

My dear wife and children attended the meeting and I was honored to be in their presence. My children were extremely good in fact they were excellent. The meeting was 2 hours and 15 minutes long and this is a very long time to set for anyone including an 8 year old and 5 year old. These two children were incredible. My wife who is my rock had tears in her eyes at various different moments and she spoke with such clarity it truly was amazing. I have know my wife for 23 years and my love for her has grown so much for her in the past year.

I know what has happened is very bad but I do know what I am doing now is very good and will continue to be very good as long as I keep the principles of the Program alive in each day of my life. Without this Program and the genuine love and affection I have felt from everyone in the Program my life would be considerably different. I am so very happy to have experienced a day like today that I am a very blessed person. Lou Gehrig said; "I consider myself the luckiest man of the face of the earth". Today; I consider myself the most blessed person on the face of the earth. It was a magnificent morning.

After the meeting I had the pleasure of accompanying my son to his first soccer game of the season. The result was a 4-4 tie but my son scored two goals and as the ball went through the net each time he turned and looked over to where I was standing and gave me this huge smile. These are the moments in life that I will cherish forever. I was so very fortunate to be able to share this moment with my son. I thank my Higher Power for allowing me to share in all of today's wonderful gifts.

Traveling Around Southern California

This afternoon I had the pleasure of meeting a wonderful woman who has agreed to help me with the sentencing phase in my case. We had a great lunch and much like many of the other people who I have met in this past year I am truly blessed to have another magnificent person in my life. Everything does happen for a reason and even though my circumstances were awful; life will continue to get better. Today was no exception as we ate lunch we talked about my compulsive gambling, compulsive gambling in general, the treatment of compulsive gamblers and a whole host of other topics.

One year ago today I sat in the County Jail and had no idea what the future would hold for me but one year later I was having lunch with one of the leaders in the treatment of compulsive gamblers and having a great discussion. I am so very grateful to have this nice lady assist me with my case. I am not so sure if the court will fully understand the addiction of compulsive gambling but I do have some great people on my side.

After lunch I drove 90 miles north to Los Angeles so I could register for the Los Angeles Marathon. Last year I was scheduled to run the LA Marathon but events being what they were I could not run the race. This year I went back and forth about running the race but after having a conversation with a friend of mine I thought it would be a very good idea to run the race not only for me but for the family. This will be my fifth marathon and my family has been to all of them and the children really get a kick out of the whole atmosphere.

For those of you new to marathon running the course is 26.2 miles long and for those of you who are non-runners this may seem like a very long distance. Yes, it is a long distance but running and working out has become an integral part of my recovery. Exercising has really kept my mind focused and kept me from falling into a depressive state. There will be 25,000 other participants in the LA marathon and I will get to see Los Angeles up close and personal as I take about a 3 and half hour tour. The weather looks very good for running and I am very excited to run the race.

I am also very excited about tomorrow morning's Gamblers Anonymous Meeting because we are celebrating four one year birthdays. Yes, I am one of the four who are celebrating and the other three are very close friend's of mine. We thought it would be great if all four of us could celebrate on the same day and it has worked out perfectly. Another dear friend of mine will be chairing the meeting and I am so looking forward to the meeting.

I do know one year really isn't a big milestone because my compulsive gambling is a lifelong addiction. However; I do know one year of really working my recovery and applying the tools the Gamblers Anonymous Program has given is a very big deal and I am so very happy to celebrate this day with three other fantastic people. It will be a very busy weekend but I want to make the most of the time I have and I can't think of better way of spending a weekend with people who have become so very special to me.

The Day Time Stood Still

One year ago today all of my denials about my compulsive gambling addiction had become a reality when the police came to my house to arrest me. Yes, the "official" date of my legal case is March 16, 2005 when I was booked on 24 felony counts including embezzlement and grand theft. I have subsequently plead guilty to 26 (the Assistant District Attorney threw in 2 tax evasion counts at a later date) felony counts and I am awaiting my sentencing next month.

I would be remiss in not posting about that day one year ago today when time did stand still for me. I have posted some of this story in the past and I apologize for rehashing old material but it is very important to me to document this day because I cannot ever forget that horrid day.

It was a Wednesday and it had been two weeks to the day when I was "terminated" by my previous employer for my indiscretions. I knew something was going to happen but I did not realize this would be the day. I waited the two weeks while the detectives gathered all their evidence and brought charges. In this two weeks I tried to contact my previous employer through various emails detailing my gambling addiction and "why" I did what I did. I really wanted to work something out with my previous employer (this was part of my delusional thinking because of course my previous employer had to press charges) and NOT have the police involved but my previous employer didn't want anything to do with me and my reasons.

In fact; over one of the weekends while I was awaiting the charges the police came to my house NOT to arrest me but to check on my well being. Someone at my previous employer was concerned about whether or not I may kill myself and contacted the local police department. When they came to the door my heart naturally jumped into my throat but we had a nice conversation and I assured them I was not going to do anything "stupid" and I have the Gamblers Anonymous Program to thank for this.

Getting back to the faithful day last year at this time; I was at the Gym and received a phone call from my sister-in-law who was staying with us at the time with her new born daughter (my gambling not only affected me but the life of a new born baby to which I am so very sorry to have put my sister-in-law and my niece in this awful position) telling me to come home because the police were at my home and going through the whole house. I showered, called my attorney because I did not know what to do but couldn't reach my attorney and went home. I saw two detectives standing in my home talking with my wife and the next thing I know the detective was placing me in handcuffs and walking me to an awaiting police car; it was around noon and thank God neither my daughter nor son were home, they were at school.

My wife was trying to contact our attorney and I kissed her good-bye and told her how sorry I am for putting her through this, She assured me everything will be fine, what an amazing woman!!I was placed in the police car and off we went to the county detention center. The same officer who had me in custody two weeks earlier at my previous employer and let me go because the evidence wasn't fully compiled drove me to the police station. As we drove the police officer struck up a very pleasant conversation and as I heard the words coming out of his mouth my brain could not process any of those words.

We went in the "back way" so I could be processed into the jail. The detective did tell the processing sergeant that I was very cooperative and shouldn't have any problems with me which certainly was the case. After this I remember the Detective asking me if I had anything to say or would I wait for my attorney to be present. I opted for waiting for my attorney.

I was placed in a 4 x 4 holding cell for the next 24 hours with one other person because there was no room in the larger county jail so I sat and waited for 24 hours. I did not know time could stand still but that 24 hours was the longest 24 hours of my life. There were no clocks, no sun light and not much of anything but I brought this entire episode on myself and deserved this punishment. During this 24 hour period one officer took me to central processing for my fingerprints and "mug shots". The lady taking the picture wanted to make sure the picture came out good because my case was a "high profile" case and the picture would probably wind up in the newspaper. In fact this picture was part of the Al Roker Investigation Production; "Kids, Cards & Dice".

After taking the mugshot I met with another officer for an interview. The interview was merely a legal process to see if I would be eligible for bail through my own recognizance. I thought I would be eligible for this but the amount of money in which I have been alleged to have taken was much too high for this type of bail. The officer asked me several questions mostly about my family and previous work history. I could over hear the person next to me while they were conducting their interview and I noticed the Officer was admonishing the inmate because he was a repeat offender. My officer did not admonish me.

I was finally admitted to the "big" prison after 24 hours of waiting in the 4 x 4 holding cell. I was placed into an orange jumpsuit and my regular clothes were placed in with the Uniform Officer. I was led to the prison in handcuffs which were attached to a large chain around my waist. I was sent to the "Protective Custody" area of the jail which meant I was with non-violent type offenders which also meant I was placed with child molesters. Never in my wildest nightmares would I have envisioned being in a place like this and those of you reading this who think you MAY have a gambling problem and are thinking this can't happen to me I would beg to differ. Compulsive gambling can take people to places where they are not proud of and 6% of ALL suicides are committed by compulsive gamblers; to me this is a significant number so please get help because it is never too late.

I spent the next four nights in the county jail cell which was 4 x 8 with bunk beds. I shared the cell with an elderly gentleman who was extremely nice to me because I was minding my own business. I believe he was there on a parole violation and had another 3 months to go. He was able to get me a few books to read and no one bothered me at all. At 5:00 am the lights went on for breakfast and we were let out of our cells for 20 minutes. At 11:00 am lunch was served and again we were let out of our cells for 20 minutes and at 4:00 pm dinner was served for the same time period.

I was a hit with the fellow inmates because I gave away my meat (I think it was meat) because I am a vegetarian and I ate their salad or fruit. The drinks were either milk which I don't drink or Kool-Aid which I tried to water down. I had always heard that the inmates in prison get bread and water. Unfortunately neither one of these food staples were available as I spent my time in the county jail. In fact I would have been ecstatic about having a clean glass of water but it was not available.

Needless to say after finally getting out I was so hungry, tired and dirty. Yes, they had showers but I didn't feel very comfortable in this shower and moved in out as quick as possible. Also, during the times other than breakfast, lunch and dinner we were allowed out of our cells for one hour intervals at least two and sometimes three times a day, the rest of the time was spent in the cell. Out in the common area there were telephones and one television. I had made a few phone calls but I had no desire to sit and watch television. Also, there was no daylight at all so only the clock showed whether it was day or night time.

During the times we were let out of the cells I would walk for the hour around the common area up the stairs passed the second level of cells to get some type of exercise because any physical (such as push-ups or pull-ups) exercise by the inmates was prohibited, I guess the guards did not want the inmates to be stronger than them. Any time someone was caught doing push-ups or pull-ups the guard will immediately yell at them the first time and the second time meant you couldn't come out of your cell the entire day.

I decided to walk to get some type of conditioning because I was going stir crazy looking at those walls. I did speak with a few inmates who knew why I was in there because my story was in the newspaper. These inmates were very "proud" of my misdeeds but I couldn't share their enthusiasm. I tried to downplay it as much as possible and changed the subject so not to focus the attention on me. The last thing I wanted was attention; I just wanted to do my time and get out of there.

At 1:00 am of the 6th night my cell was opened and the officer informed me I had made bail. My great friend came to pick me up at 3:00 am because it took two hours to discharge me which meant spending another 2 hours in the 4 x 4 holding cell. I was so happy to see my friend who drove me home and we talked for an hour at my house then he went home. My wife and children were not there (thank God) because they were in New Jersey visiting family for the Easter holiday.

After my friend left I made myself a tuna sandwich and after eating the sandwich I took the longest hottest shower of my life. I slept for a few hours before my wife called and asked me how I was doing. I was doing fine and I couldn't wait to go to the Tuesday night Gamblers Anonymous meeting because I hadn't been at a meeting in over one week.

I know this is somewhat of a repost of an earlier blog but it is so important for me to understand where I was one year ago today. Yes, next month I will be going back for a yet to be determined amount of time. However; through my Higher Power, the Gamblers Anonymous Program, my family and my friends I have some unbelievable tools at my disposal to get through this next period in my life. I have seen in the past year a growth within myself that I haven't seen in my life. I like what I see and I love my recovery. I have so many people to thank for this and I know as long as I keep applying these tools in my daily affairs everything will continue to get better.

Time Moves Quickly

I had a college professor a number of years ago tell me that the only thing that is constant in life is time. He went on to say time will continue to tick on by no matter what you do so make the best of all the time you have available. I haven't thought about this in a very long time but with my time apparently running out in the next few weeks I am trying to make the most of everything. Today was one of those days which went by so very fast. It was over in a blink of an eye and when I recollect on the day I am not sure where it all went.

When I was gambling all I seemed to care about was making the next bet or finding enough money to ensure I could make the next bet. I didn't care about time because I thought I had all the time in the world to win back my losses. There isn't enough time in my lifetime to ever accomplish this because I am a compulsive gamblers and I will lose no matter what.

I was retelling my story to a member of the media earlier today and this person seemed genuinely interested. He didn't really understand what gambling was all about but he knew what addictions can do to people. It was refreshing to speak with someone who was interested in what I was saying and was also very professional. We spoke at length about my battle with compulsive gambling and my recovery. He will be doing a positive story about not only my recovery but recovery of others with all different types of addictions. I am anxiously awaiting this report.

After speaking with this gentleman I spoke to a long time friend who resides on the East Coast and knows all about my situation. He is a great friend and even though we haven't seen each other for over 8 years the friendship is as strong as ever. He told my wife a joke and reiterated to me later about my pending incarceration. He told my wife she should ask the judge to put me on house arrest which would prohibit me from going to the gym and also make me eat five twinkies a day!!! Now if you know me you know this is very funny and would even be consider cruel and unusual punishment!! Of course I laughed at this joke and I do know what I have done is no laughing matter; however; it does beat the alternative which is laying in the fetal position crying.

We also talked about how I should tell my children. As I stated yesterday I must be very careful how I present this to them especially my eight year old daughter. My son really won't understand and if he hears I am going to prison he may think this is cool. My friend who also has a five year old son agreed and asked me if my son likes to play army and pretend to blow things up. Yes, my son is exactly like this. There must be something in the genes of many five year old boys because they love playing army and love blowing things up and they also may think going to prison is cool. Going to prison is not cool and it is something I thought I would have to never worry about but now it is my reality.

Getting back to how I will tell my daughter; I was concerned with her hearing the truth about what I did from me not someone else. However; I have had three different people tell me it may not be in her best interest if I told her I was going to prison or jail at this time. My friend agreed and he said to me what happens when someone asks her where her father is; will she feel so great about telling them I am in prison? He has a point and my mom also pointed this out. It maybe best in telling her I am going away for awhile but will be back.

She has friends whose fathers are in Iraq and they have been gone for over a year. So she is used to having her friend's fathers gone for long periods of time. I am not telling her I am going to Iraq because that is an outright lie and I don't want to lie anymore. I may tell her I am going away to get help and be a better person but I need to work on this some more. My mom suggested dropping subtle hints while she is in ear shot about me going away this way she is subconsciously aware before I tell her.

Obviously I am dreading this moment but it is something I must do in the most non-intrusive manner. I know being away for whatever period of time will have a lasting effect on my children but I do want them to know that I love them and will always be there for them when I come back. I have less than five weeks to make the most of my time and it really has been the best of the worst year I can have. I am learning each and every day to be a better person which makes me a better husband, father, son, brother, and friend. This will not stop because I will be incarcerated and life will continue to get better.

Blessed and Grateful

First off a few personal items which I have been neglecting for the past few days. My daughter and son received their progress reports (they were called report cards when I was in school but now they are known as progress reports) last week. My daughter who has been labeled a "nerd" by her aunt received an extremely favorable progress report. She is in the second grade and they are not given A's, B's, C's, D's or F's they are given 1's (not so good), 2's (better) and 3's (best). She received nothing but 3's and 2+'s hence earning the nickname from her beloved aunt.

I hope she stays a nerd throughout her academic years. A "nerd" is a good nickname as long as she keeps getting progress reports like the ones she has been receiving. I think my daughter will be a "cool nerd" when she is in High School as long as she gets over her need to be perfect. This is another story for another time.

My son who is only in pre-school; he will start kindergarten in the Fall received his progress report as well. This was more of an informal meeting with his pre-school teacher than my daughter's progress report but was also very good. I am not so sure we will ever label my son a "nerd" in the coming years but his teacher had nothing but good things to say about him. One of the compliments he received from his teacher was how good a listener he is. This was shocking to my wife and me because he must leave all his listening skills at school. At home he will listen after the second and sometimes third time we tell him to do something. So when his teacher told us this we were amazed. We asked her if she had the right child. She assured us it was Jonathan and she has even used him as an example of what to do for the other children. This was truly amazing and I am so blessed to have two wonderful children.

I have to be very careful of how I present my "going away" to my children because I don't want to ruin their beautiful lives. I know there will be some bumpy roads but I do know my wife will continue the positive reinforcement while I am away. Yes, I will miss a few firsts and it really pains me to think of this; however; I will truly be there for them when my time is up. I will truly be there for them over their lifetime. There will be no more distractions, no more lying and no more pretending. I am a better father because of what has happened and I fully intend on becoming better and better as each day passes no matter where I spend the next few years.

I couldn't have asked for a better family. All I ever need is right in front of me. Yes, I did some incredibly stupid things without thinking of the consequences and I will pay for those stupid things and rightfully so. We live in a civilized society and people should act civilized at all times. I did not act civilized and will be punished for those actions. I do know I have some powerful tools to get me through each and every day. Those powerful are just as effective on the outside as they are on the inside as long as I keep those principles a part of my daily affairs. My future is uncertain but as long as I live today with a positive purpose and look to my Higher Power for guidance life today gets better which will make my future that much better.

Earlier today I had a conversation with a very prominent psychiatrist in the field of compulsive gambling. This man has been a leader in the field for over 30 years and as I explained my situation to him I felt very uneasy. I did not meet him face to face which may have made me more comfortable I spoke with him over the telephone. I spoke for about 15 minutes and did not receive a great of feedback which made me feel very uncomfortable. This is one of my character defects; I have a need to be liked by everyone and I feel everyone should like me. Let's face it there are many people who don't like me and may never like me because of the things I have done. However; when I was faced with this silence by the psychiatrist I realized I have a great deal of work to do on this character defect.

I know people will either like me or won't like me and that is life but there is something inside of me that needs to be liked. Where does this come from? I am not sure and will continue to search for answers to this question. For the time being I will continue to be aware of this character defect and won't do anything detrimental to act on this character defect like say or do the wrong thing in order to be liked. In the past I would do or say anything to be liked and I still have some of this inside me but the difference now is that I am aware of this character defect. Being aware of a character defect is the first step for me in getting rid of this character defect but I still have a long way to go.

As the conversation went on I felt a little more comfortable with myself and the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist had asked me if I get any urges to gamble and I responded no. I went on to tell him how I have immersed myself in Gamblers Anonymous and I am truly working the Program so I don't get any urges. He told me this was a very good thing and I was doing very well in my recovery. I thought a little more about why I didn't have any urges and I thought of the other times I had stopped gambling.

In the other times I had stopped gambling there was no recovery just abstinence. Now I have recovery and intend on having recovery in my life for the rest of my life. This may seem like a daunting task for some people but I need to have recovery or I am destined to make those same mistakes again. Only the next time (with the help of GA and my Higher Power there won't be a next time) will truly be the last time because it will lead to a very lonely death. We have a fabulous member in GA who always states they are a grateful compulsive gambler and I would have to second this because I am a blessed and grateful compulsive gambler.

S.H.O.W.

I have been fully immersed in the Gamblers Anonymous Program for the past year and for this I am forever grateful because my life has changed for the better. I was thinking the other day if my life would have been any different if I entered the GA Program when I was 18 years old or if I entered the Program when I was 28 years old. Both of these times gambling had caused some tremendous difficulties in my life and my life was completely unmanageable. I will never know the answer to this question which is quite alright with me.

I thought I could "handle" my gambling problem by myself. This was a very grave mistake but I wasn't honest with myself. I wasn't willing to do what it takes to get help and I wasn't open-minded to the recovery process. Finally, I wasn't ready to surrender to my addiction at these points in my life. Thank God I have finally realized the key to success in recovery which are applying all of these items to my daily affairs.

When I was 18 years old and got into trouble that first time I was very scared. I received a telephone call from a Gamblers Anonymous member who scared the crap out of me. He scared me so much that I stopped gambling for the next four years but I never attended a GA meeting. I stopped gambling for the next four years but during my last year of college at the University of Maryland some of my roommates had never been to Atlantic City. They convinced to take the three hour drive on a Wednesday afternoon for a day trip. I didn't see the harm in taking the trip because I thought I was over the compulsive gambling thing.

The worst possible thing happened to me on this trip; I won!! I won $2,000 which to a college student was like winning a million bucks. The trip was actually somewhat of disaster because my car broke down twice. Once on the freeway to Atlantic City and we had to stay the night in town about 40 miles outside of Atlantic City. But we all decided that we had come this far and were going to see Atlantic City. Like I said; I won on the trip and when we were ready to leave I was up about $1,000. We went outside to get my car from the valet and I saw it sitting in the street; my car had not moved since we arrived there in the morning; the alternator was dead. I contacted a local gas station and had the car towed but we had to stay another night but this time we were in Atlantic City.

I bought dinner for my roommates after all I did win and was playing the bigshot. Instead of just going back to the room and going to sleep I decided to start gambling again. I continued to win and I was up about $3,000 and thank God my roommate saw me starting to lose and convinced me to call it a night before I would have blown it all. I did lose $1,000 of the $3,000 but I was still ahead for the trip. We woke up the next morning had breakfast and my roommate made sure I didn't gamble; then we took a taxi to the gas station and picked up my car.

After expenses I was still way ahead but something happened to me on this trip; that old feeling re-surfaced. People have told me in the past that once you are a compulsive gambling you are always a compulsive gambling. The GA Combo book says it perfectly; "the old obsession inevitably returns". That old obsession had returned because I had no defenses against it. Also; at this time I was working at a racetrack and until I went to Atlantic City I didn't place any wagers at the racetrack but when I came back with some cash I started betting at the racetrack. I lost $500 of the $2,000 in a matter of a few days. I stopped and bought some clothes but I was hooked once again.

I needed to retell this story because as my Dad said when I had my very first episode with gambling; "don't ever forget the awful you had when it all came crashing down." I had forgotten not once but twice because I didn't know how to face this addiction. The only way for me to face this addiction is with the acronym S.H.O.W.--Surrender, Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness.

The GA Program speaks in depth about all of these concepts and has an acronym of H.O.W. I need to add the S because without surrendering to this disease nothing else will work for me. I have to fully Surrender to a Higher Power so I can act honestly with open-mindedness and willingness to do what it takes to arrest this illness.

I have seen many people come into the Program and go back out and gamble. Some people come back a few times and some people don't come back. The people who do come back are the fortunate ones because there are some powerful tools in the Program to give people their lives back. I don't know what happens to those that don't come back to the Program but I know without the Program in my life it was a mess and with the Program in my life it gets better each and every day.

Also; I was wondering why some people are very successful in the Program while others struggle? When I started my recovery I wanted to surround myself with people who have been successful with their recovery and thank God I have found them. Just like anything in life; if I put a half ass effort in I will get a half ass effort out. Which is why I am giving a 100% effort in working my recovery everyday because those people who still surround me do this on a daily basis and it really works. Also; just like in life there are some people who are very successful in their endeavors and there are some people who are not. I want to be one of the successful people in life and recovery. I have found some great people who are both of these and I thank my Higher Power for letting me be a part of their lives.

The Allure of Gambling

Today being the last day of National Problem Gambling Awareness Week I will close with a commentary posted by the San Jose Mercury News. I will resume my regular commentary tomorrow but for now please take a moment to digest this well written editorial about the allure of gambling and how it really is all about the money.

Herhold: Poker's allure gives false aura to card clubs

The other night, my wife and I got a distressing phone call from our 21-year-old son, a college student in San Luis Obispo. ``Great news!'' he said. ``I just won $900 playing poker online!''

It made me yearn for the days when bad news consisted of cracking up the family car or getting arrested for public drunkenness.

That phone call, and the recent celebrity poker tournament at Bay 101, made me ponder an old topic of contention, the presence of card clubs in San Jose.

I hope someone proves me wrong. But I'm convinced that the surge in popularity of poker -- online, on TV, on Indian land -- has eroded political backing for the city's attempt to restrict or oust card clubs.

That's a shame, because card clubs do the same damage they always did. Compulsive gambling destroys families and encourages crime. Just because it's faddish doesn't mean there's a bigger chance of winning.

While I have no local polls to back me up, all my political antennae tell me that Garden City and Bay 101 have created what Mideast analysts call ``facts on the ground'' -- beachheads that cannot easily be erased.

Litigation

Yes, yes, I know that a lawsuit is still alive, much like the endless ``Jarndyce and Jarndyce'' lawsuit in Charles Dickens' ``Bleak House.''

For the last seven years, virtually all of Mayor Ron Gonzales' term, the city has been attempting to enforce an ordinance that would restrict certain wagers and make the clubs close between 2 a.m. and 6 a.m. The clubs say that would destroy them economically. A trial is scheduled before Superior Court Judge Greg Ward on Aug. 30.

But in subtle ways, the excitement about gambling has undermined the city's stance. In a valley partly created on the gamble of stock options, obsessing about card clubs feels hypocritical.

Sadly, the dispute now isn't so much a moral choice between having card clubs in San Jose or not. It's an economic battle between the card clubs and their competitors elsewhere -- the Indian casinos and online shops.

In this fight, the city is a deeply compromised player. Not only does the pro-labor majority of the council want to preserve union jobs at Bay 101, but the city itself also is expected to get $8.5 million this fiscal year from the card clubs, money it uses to backfill its budget deficit.

Money talks

In 2000, when San Jose's coffers were plentiful, that money might not have meant so much. Now, when the city finds it hard to repair swimming pools or operate community centers, it speaks like an iPod cranked to maximum in a council member's ear.

At mayoral forums, where there is much talk of ethics, you hear almost nothing about card clubs. Vice Mayor Cindy Chavez, the early leader, voted against the ordinance restricting the clubs in 1999.

None of this makes me happy. I've been around long enough to have covered the Garden City directors and officers who were accused of skimming in the mid-'80s. And I followed the light penalties that came after a grand jury indicted 55 people on a variety of offenses in connection with Bay 101's Asian gamblers.

Bill Lee, an executive recruiter who wrote the book ``Born to Lose'' (Hazelden, $12.95), about his own addiction to gambling, warns that loan sharks and compulsive gamblers will always be found together.

``Casinos can count on the fact that when compulsive gamblers win, we don't quit,'' Lee said. ``And when we lose, we want to get back in.''

The city would be better off without card clubs. But I fear society has moved past those of us who deplore gambling's worst effects. Speaking of which, I need to talk to my son.

Living With a Secret

National Problem Gambling Awareness Week ends tomorrow; however; my addiction will not end ever and keeping with theme of this week here is another article regarding compulsive gambling. Although the article is short it really gets to the point of how destructive this addiction can be. This article was written for a newspaper in Michigan.

Living With a Secret

HOUGHTON - It can start with the purchase of a lottery ticket or a trip to the casino, and then it can take control of your life.

While compulsive gambling has many negative side effects for an individual, it also takes a toll on American society. In 1999, the National Gambling Impact Study Commission estimated the annual cost to society for problem gambling is $5 billion.

In order to reduce the number of people affected by gambling addiction, the Michigan Department of Community Health is partnering with other communities across the nation this week to promote National Problem Gambling Awareness Week. The department hopes this week will raise awareness of the symptoms and consequences related to problem gambling.

Virginia Pieroni, program manager for statewide gambling treatment within the MDCH, said that no one is immune to the addictive nature of gambling.

"Compulsive gambling can impact anyone...young adults, teenagers, we see it across all age groups, all walks of life, all levels of our society."

"Anybody who gambles needs to understand it's a behavior with associated risk. The odds are great that you will lose money," she said.

According to Pieroni, compulsive gambling is an addiction much stronger than any drug or alcohol-related addiction. She says this is because it is much easier for the gambler to hide their problem from family and friends.

"Compulsive gambling is very powerful. There is great shame and guilt associated with it," she says. "It's not as understood as other addictions."

Pieroni says that often, a victim will resort to crime to get enough money to continue gambling.

This is a reality that Marilyn has experienced first-hand. Marilyn, who prefers her last name not be used, began Gamblers Anonymous in the Houghton area just a few years ago. She said her gambling addiction took over quickly and she soon found herself in court after writing bad checks to pay for her gambling. Marilyn said this is quite common among compulsive gamblers who shoplift, embezzle money and write bad checks to fund their addiction.

"Gambling is a horrible, horrible disease. It can destroy your whole life," she says. "It's something that controls you, and until you get help...it won't stop."

After moving from Marquette to make a fresh start, Marilyn began a Houghton branch of Gamblers Anonymous to help those struggling with the same problems she did. For a year she said she sat alone at her meetings, and even though people have begun to come around, she says the turnout is still surprisingly small.

"There are still a lot of people in denial who haven't hit rock bottom yet," Marilyn said. "It's a smaller area and people feel embarrassed to be seen at these meetings."

Rolls of instant lottery tickets on display at a Houghton convenience store wait for hopeful players. While a harmless amusement for most who play, lottery tickets can lead to higher stakes and serious consequences for compulsive gamblers.

Interesting Concept

I did a Google search on the lady who appeared in the article which was posted yesterday. This nice lady is a conservative radio talk show host in San Francisco. Even though as the article pointed out she was addicted to gambling once she sought treatment and entered the Gamblers Anonymous Program her life was forever changed for the better. She now enjoys a very successful life proving there is a good life after gambling.

I sent her an email thanking her for telling her story and sharing her experience, strength and hope. I received a very supportive email back which shows me when a person truly commits themselves to recovery life gets better. It is people like this nice woman who give me hope for a beautiful life.

I continued to be touched by the people who surround me. Late last night I received a phone call from my GA sponsor and he wanted to know if I was alright because he had heard the issue regarding the sale of my house had hit the media. I assured him I was okay and like we always do the conversation turned to the GA Program and how I am forever indebted to him and the Program for saving my life.

Also; I told him about an earlier phone conversation I had with another member in GA and how supportive they had been of me. This particular member is foregoing another obligation so they could attend my GA birthday celebration next week. These people are my heroes and I am so blessed to have this type of love in my life.

Finally; there was another phone call I had received yesterday and when this person calls I am always touched. These are all members of the GA Program and all of them understand the importance of the Program and reaching out to other members. I just hope I can be half as inspirational to others as these people have been to me. The Program certainly works for me.

Here is another article in keeping with National Problem Gaming Awareness Week. This article is from the United Kingdom and it may not sound like much but I believe it is an interesting concept in "promoting" the illness of compulsive gambling. It may not end problem gambling but it is a giant step in the awareness of problem gambling. Here is the article;

Gambling to carry 'addiction warning'

All UK casinos and online gambling websites will be required to display prominent addiction warnings as part of a raft of measures designed to end problem gambling.

New proposals outlined by the gambling commission will see all casinos required to promote 'socially responsible gambling', ensure that staff are trained to help problem gamblers, tighten measures preventing underage gambling and restrict alcohol sales.

Online sites will also be required to display clear information showing users the amount of time and money they have spent during their current session, as well as to programme in breaks in play in order to prevent 'continuous and repetitive play'.

Gambling operators who disregard the new measures would face fines and could have their licenses revoked.

Peter Dean, chairman of the gambling commission, believes the new measures will compel betting shop operators, casino operators and online games sites to take responsible measures to prevent gambling addiction and help stem the rising tide of 'problem gamblers' in the UK.

'Our new rules are all designed to keep crime out of gambling, to make sure it is fair and open, and to protect children and vulnerable people. Combating problem gambling is particularly important to us: this is the first time the commission has had the power to do something about it, and we intend to use that power to maximum effect,' Mr Dean said.

He stressed that the commission would ensure that the new regulations were strictly adhered to by gambling operators.

'We will monitor all British gambling operators to make sure they comply with our rules. We have the power to fine or revoke the licenses of those who fail to do so, and to prosecute illegal gambling. We won’t hesitate to use these powers if need be,' he added.

Secretary of state for culture, media and sport, Tessa Jowell, believes the new measures are vital in addressing the problem of gambling addiction in the UK.

'Gambling is not an industry like any other. What can be a harmless pastime for one person can be a life-destroying addiction for another. That’s why these new rules to prevent problem gambling are so important,' she said.

'Be it a betting shop, a casino or a gambling website, gambling operators across the country will soon have to comply with these tough requirements.'

Ms Jowell also defended the controversial Gambling Act 2005, insisting that the approval of 17 new casinos, including a number of so-called 'super casinos', would not result in an increase in gambling and that the raft of proposals outlined by the commission today 'would not have been possible' without the act.

The new proposals are now subject to a period of industry consultation and are likely to be brought into effect next year.

Newsworthy?

The newspaper article was titled "Repaying Casino Will Cost Man His Home". Does anyone really care other than me and my immediate family? Is this really newsworthy? Here is a link to the full article. One technicality that the reporter failed to mention was the house actually belonged to my wife not me. I am very happy the reporter omitted my wife from all of this because she has been through enough without having her name dragged through the newspaper. Back to my original point does anyone really care?

There is one more step in this awful process and this will be the sentencing. The sentencing will take place next month and I would imagine there will be one more newspaper article associated with the sentencing. Then my story will fade away into oblivion. I am sure there will be another story that will take its place; the news cycle never ends.

Today was an extremely pleasant day with the exception of the newspaper article because I met with people who firmly believe in me. It was so nice to hear someone say they trusted me because for what I have done I certainly should not be trusted ever again. However; there are some people in this world who see the true me and believe in me. These are the people along with my family that keeps me going each and every day. I know the consequences of my actions have already been bestowed upon me and there is one more step; however; by working my recovery to the fullest I am already seeing the rewards.

I am seeing the rewards because people who by all rights don't have to ever speak to me as long as I live continue to speak to me and be my friend. I am a blessed person to be surrounded by all these fantastic people. I pray that some day I will be able to return the love and affection that has been shown to me. I try every day to live a life with honesty, sincerity, open-mindedness and willingness to do the right thing. I have learned and continued to learn these things through the Gamblers Anonymous Program and with this life does get better.

Again in keeping with National Problem Gambling Awareness Week here is another article about compulsive gambling;

Women Addicted To Gambling

(CBS) With the rise of on-line poker, compulsive gambling is becoming an issue of national concern. And it's not just men who become addictions. The Early Show national correspondent Hattie Kauffman found a growing number of women are developing a gambling habit, as well.

In the 1980s, Melanie Morgan was a successful TV anchor. But her gambling addiction cost her her job and nearly destroyed her marriage.

"The reality is, the longer that you gamble compulsively, which is what I was doing, the more you become a compulsive liar," she said. "I would lie about where I was going, what I was doing, who I was with, how much money I was spending.

" Even when she became pregnant, Morgan could not break the habit in order to focus on her growing family.

"I was in a terrible environment, a smoke filled room, hardly taking care of myself. I was gambling right up until an hour before I gave birth," she said.

After her son was born, she would leave the infant with an assortment of baby sitters, so she could go back to the tables.

"I remember packing up the baby one day," said her husband, Jack, "driving around to each of the card rooms where I thought she might be, finally locating her, and taking the baby in its carrier and putting the baby in the middle of the poker table." At that point, he would confront his wife, "saying, 'You got a choice, you know, play cards, or do you want to be a mom?' "

"I knew at that point, I was in desperate trouble, and I knew I was sick and needed help. And I still didn't want to stop," Melanie recalled.

Kauffman says that people used to have to make a trip to Las Vegas or Atlantic City to gamble non-stop, but now the lure is everywhere. For example, even in Phoenix, visitors are greeted with the Arizona Gambler's Guide, listing 22 casinos, horse racing, dog racing, bingo and more.

Kauffman met with three women, all in recovery from compulsive gambling, to hear their stories. "I lost $300,000," she was told by Vicki. "It was all of my retirement money."

Shannon lost count of her losses, but knows they were serious. "I had thought it was around $35,000, but my husband stated it was closer to $50,000," she said.

For Fredia, the financial loss was enormous, but it was just the beginning. Not only did she gamble away between $150,000 and $200,000, she lost a year of her life when she went to prison for stealing cash to gamble.

"The sick, compulsive gambler will do whatever they have to do to gamble," she told Kauffman. "It is an addiction."

Psychologist Paul Good says it used to be that most women gambled to escape their everyday lives. But, now, more are simply lured by the action.

"A sense of excitement, of being on the edge, that you are literally holding your fate in your own hands at a poker table," said Good. "For a woman, that can be a very powerfully riveting experience."

According to the National Council on Problem Gambling, twenty years ago, only a handful of those seeking help for a gambling addiction were women. Now, almost half are female.

"You are going to see gambling take its place alongside alcoholism and drug abuse as being one of the most significant addictions of our time," predicted Good.

The women who seek treatment and attend a 12-step program often manage to get their lives back. Melanie Morgan has a broadcast career again and hasn't gambled in 14 years, but she knows it's just one day at a time.

"One bet, that's all it takes and I could instantly be back in that place that I was before," she said.

All of the women who shared their stories with Kauffman said they were doing it to help others, remembering a time when they thought they were alone with their addictions. There is a number to call for help with gambling problems: 1-800-GAMBLER.

Only On The Web: Hear more from Melanie and Jack Morgan on the gambling habit that nearly destroyed their lives, and a psychologist assesses what the gambling culture means in today's society, click here.

Being Wrong

Today was a day in which something was finally resolved in court. I would like to say it was a successful day or a small victory (as my attorney pointed out) but that wouldn't be a fair assessment. The entire ordeal which I caused by my actions has not been a good experience. The only good part of the experience has been finding help with my compulsive gambling addiction and for this I am forever grateful.

The other side which is the consequence side has been extremely difficult not only on me but my wife. I can explain every which way from Sunday what my compulsive gambling addiction has done to me and my family but the simple fact is I caused this destruction with those actions. Yes, the compulsive gambling is a huge part of it but it doesn't diminish or absolve my actions. My actions have spoken volumes and for this I must suffer the consequences. It would be nice to think that the judge would recognize my compulsive gambling addiction as a mental disorder and order treatment along with rehabilitation but that would be in a perfect world. I do not live in a perfect world I live in an imperfect world with imperfect people to which I am one.

I do feel terrible about the destruction I have caused but I do feel good about myself because after twenty plus years of denying my compulsive gambling addiction I am finally doing something about it. Step 10 of the Gamblers Anonymous Recovery Program states; continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. I was wrong in what I have done and I apologize to all of those that I have affected directly and indirectly.

Keeping along those lines I would like to retract a few things. In the past I have stated I have found the true meaning of the word friend. Yes, I do understand what a true friend is but I ignored some very basic facts such as what I did to people who considered me a friend. I was looking at it wrong. I was looking at through my arrogance (big character defect); there were people in my life who really thought I was their friend and one of those people was my ex-boss and I apologize because I was wrong to think that my ex-boss didn't consider me a friend. I believe this is what has hurt him the most. I betrayed our friendship because when I really think back he and I told each other some things that went beyond the work environment and shared some personal experiences together. I completely forget these moments and I apologize for letting him down.

As I was talking to my only link to my former life I remembered all of these things. Now I can completely understand as to why he (my ex-boss) is taking this so personal. I not only betrayed his trust but I betrayed our friendship. We did have a very good working relationship because he is a very smart man and works very hard. But I on the other hand am not as smart as him nor did I work nearly as hard but when a task needed completion or a subordinate needed speaking to I would always be there for my ex-boss. We did have a good working relationship and that blossomed into a friendship. I threw that friendship away by my actions and I had the audacity to question his friendship to me. I viewed this all wrong. I was the friend that messed everything up and definitely caught him by surprise.

In accordance with Step 10; I was completely wrong when I stated that some people are not true friends. It was ME who was not a true friend and for this I apologize. This may sound like I am having a pity party for myself but I am not. I am going through my personal inventory and trying to clean up my side of the street. Yes, I do regret all of my past actions but there is no way I can change any of those actions I can only concentrate on today. Part of concentrating on today is reflecting to the times when I was wrong and promptly admit each of those times. I have a long way to go in the process of recovery but I know I am on the right road because my mind is focused on healing not gambling and this makes for a much better life.

Finally; as part of National Problem Gambling Awareness Week here is another article as to what compulsive gambling can do to a person. Please pay particular attention as to how bad gambling had a grip on this poor woman. The GA "Red Book" has a passage under Step 1 which reads; "....Some, pathetically, even after making a big win, found themselves in worse trouble within a short period of time. We continued to gamble. We found we had risked loss of family, friends, security and jobs. We still continued to gamble. We gambled to the point where it resulted in imprisonment, insanity or attempted suicide. We still continued to gamble and were unable to stop...." If this story does not emphasize this passage I don't know what does.

Cross Those "T's"

I went back to court to finally hear a decision on the sale of my house. Yes, after nine months of trying to sell my house so I can add more money to the restitution fund and make the "victim" whole it appears the judge has agreed. I say "appears" because apparently on the sales contract a "t" was not crossed properly and I had to submit a new contract with the "t" properly crossed in order to have it approved. I have received the new contract and I have checked all of the "t's" as well as the "i's" and it appears they have all been crossed and dotted properly.

I go back to court tomorrow and will present this new contract to the judge for his approval. Hopefully, the judge does approve the contract and I can add one more thing to my list of what compulsive gambling has done to my life; lost job, lost career; lost freedom and now lost house.

I will post tomorrow more on what transpired today but keeping with the theme of National Problem Gambling Awareness Week here is an article that appeared in a newspaper in upstate New York;

BALLSTON SPA -- Saratoga County is taking a step to help prevent problem gambling by making residents aware of it.

This week is National Problem Gambling Awareness Week.

Elected officials and representatives gathered at Saratoga County District Attorney James A. Murphy III's office Monday morning to get their message out about services available to help gamblers.

Michelle Hadden, program coordinator of Problem Gambling Prevention Services, said 70,500 adults in New York experience problem gambling.

'This is a serious and growing problem,' Hadden said. 'Our goal is to educate the public and raise awareness of help locally and nationally.

'Toward that end, Saratoga Gaming and Raceway will be given brochures on help available in the county.

Assemblyman Roy McDonald of Wilton said problem gamblers are using their rent money, money for their kids' clothing and savings.

'It's not a joke, it's reality,' McDonald said. 'There's no substitution for hard work; you can't gamble into success.

''We'll work as a team here in Saratoga and beat this,' he said.

'Don't bet against it.'Saratoga County District Attorney James A. Murphy III agrees that efforts like this distinguish Saratoga from other counties in New York. Murphy said he unfortunately sees that this addiction tends to go untreated.

'Gambling brings down family structure,' Murphy said.

He said his office prosecutes criminal cases in larceny and forgery. They have a number of nonviolent cases, but some grow into domestic violence, drunken driving and divorce.

Awareness of the issue begins in the youth.'We have to nip this in the bud,' Murphy said.He said it would be great if ultimately he had nothing to do when he came to work.

'We'd all like to prevent crime or problems,' agreed Judy Ekman, executive director of the Alcohol and Substance Abuse Prevention Council of Saratoga County.

'We all see too many people where they cross some invisible line; you don't know it until we cross it.

'Mike Miller, a representative for Assembly Minority Leader James Tedisco and Assemblywoman Teresa Sayward, said they find it disconcerting that some youths try to make a quick buck by gambling, instead of earning it.

'We want to educate the general public, especially kids,' Miller said.Maureen Corbett, program director of The Center for Problem Gambling, said they want to help everyone -- the gambler and their family. The Center has offices in Clifton Park, Albany and recently opened one in Saratoga.

'We're excited about being a part of the community,' Corbett said.

She said 28 percent of their cases are people seeking help because of the 2-year-old racino at the harness track.

She told of a woman who lost $30,000 in the first four months of the racino's opening.

'We help them discover the reason behind their gambling and provide support for them and their family,' Corbett said of their clients. 'We often see spouses before the gambler and sometimes never see the gambler.

'We see people at the end of the road,' she said. 'Hopefully, we'll see them sooner because of events like this.

'Gambling is increasing in adolescents, she warned, saying that some teens are using their parents' credit cards to gamble online.

Ekman said in a survey they conducted, one-third of seventh-graders thought they could make a living gambling. She wants to make young people aware it is a problem.

'There are no easy answers, but Saratoga County is a place where we work together to solve problems,' she said.

Jim Maney, executive director of New York Council on Problem Gambling, said the awareness effort being put forth in Saratoga County is extraordinary.

He told a story from six years ago, when his daughter (then 12 years old), didn't think the younger children at the wedding reception should be given scratch-off tickets as favors. But then she won $10.

Next thing he knew, she was at the head table taking the adults' tickets.

'She went to adolescent gambler to thief in three minutes,' Maney said.

National Problem Gambling Awareness Week

The week of March 6th through the 12th marks National Problem Gambling Awareness Week. This is the 8th annual National Problem Gambling Awareness Week. It is presented by the National Council of Problem Gambling which is headed by Keith Whyte the Executive Director.

As a side note I have had the privilege of meeting with Mr. Whyte at the American Gaming Association's (AGA) Problem Gambling Conference in Las Vegas this past December. Prior to that I have communicated with Mr. Whyte via email and telephone. He is a very good man and has helped me tremendously as I have sought help with my compulsive gambling addiction and also has proved to be a great resource for materials on problem gambling.

One of the benefits of reaching out for help has been meeting great people such as Mr. Whyte. His organization is very busy this week getting the message out about the "hidden addiction" of compulsive gambling. You may notice more news stories on radio and television this week in regards to problem gambling. I believe this is a very good thing and it is ashamed that it is only one week.

I guess we have to start somewhere and another disconcerting fact is after checking the National Problem Gambling Awareness Week website I notice a woeful contingent of sponsors. You can click here to see the list of sponsors. I know the web page states 2004 but it is associated with the 2006 program. Hopefully, this will be updated in the coming days and there will be more sponsors.

I do know the American Gaming Association hosts a "Responsible Gaming Education Week" in August for the past 8 years. Unfortunately their website is not yet updated for this August because I am very interested to see how this "Education" week is presented. All of these types of programs are very good and the word does need to get out in regards to problem gambling.

I have detailed before how I have worked in the Gaming Industry for 12 years yet I succumbed to the addiction of compulsive gambling. I don't recall attending any of these types of "awareness weeks" but I am sure that would not have stopped me from living in denial. My particular situation unfortunately had to happen the way it did or I would still be living in denial. When I first admitted I was powerless to gambling and my life had become unmanageable was my first step in recovery.

I denied this fact for so very long because I thought I was better than everyone else and I could handle my gambling. The fact of the matter is my gambling handled me for as long as I gambled. Now it has been 371 days since my last bet and I am a much better person. I am a much better person not because I don't gamble I am a much better person because I have made the decision each and every day to NOT gamble and live a better life with a positive purpose.

Awareness, abstinence and education are great but the awareness had to happen in my brain before I could get help with my gambling problem. I can make my situation very public in order to help someone else with a compulsive gambling problem but I cannot make anyone get help. This decision rests solely on the individual just like it did me. I know it took me way too long but I am so glad to have made this decision because I am becoming the person I am destined to be.

Gamblers Anonymous Anniversary

On March 5 of last year I entered the Saturday morning Gamblers Anonymous meeting for the first time. In fact this was the first time I have ever attended a GA meeting in my life even though I have needed this program for over 20 years. I didn't know what to expect when I entered the room. The chairperson asked my name and gave me some materials to read over. They told me to sit, relax and listen. I listened intently to the reading of the material and it was as if the book was written specifically for me. Compulsive gambling is progressive in nature and never gets better it only gets worse. This was certainly the truth in my life.

After the reading there was some sharing and I remember being eager to share my story. I wanted to go next but the chairperson told me to relax and they would get back to me in a few minutes. It was finally my turn and first they asked me the 20 questions to ensure I was in the right place. I was in the right place because at the time I answered yes to 16 of the 20 questions. As I have progressed into my recovery I can answer yes to all of the 20 questions.

After answering the 20 questions I had my chance to share. I am not sure what words came out of my mouth but I can clearly remember the reaction on one of the member's face. It was not a reaction of shock or horror it was one of genuine compassion. As I told my story this member nodded in agreement and kept reaching for their forehead. I finished my sharing and received some feedback. I don't remember what the exact words were but there was so much genuine love and affection in that room that I felt so very comfortable.

I believe there were 12 people in the meeting and many of these people have become my dear friends one year later. The sense I got after the meeting was that I am not alone and I don't have to face this addiction alone. I couldn't wait to get to the next meeting the very next day. I instantly felt at home. Also; the member who showed me so much genuine compassion during that very first meeting has become my sponsor and without his guidance I would be a lost soul. I am so very grateful to have made the decision to finally get help for my compulsive gambling addiction. Yes, it took a building to fall upon me to finally admit I am powerless to gambling and my life has become unmanageable but I am so blessed to have done this.

I am blessed because I have people in my life who I didn't even know existed this time last year. I have people in my life that I would do any for and they would do anything for me. I have a fantastic sponsor who I have communicated with in one or another over 300 times in the past 365 days and continues to show me the compassion he showed that very first meeting. I have a Program where the success rate is 100% if I follow all of the guidelines. I have a Program that as long as I am committed to it I won't be committed to something else!! Even though what happened to me over one year ago was one of the worst possible things that could have ever happened to me I have found something positive and my life has gotten better and gets better each and every day.

I know I have let so many people down with my actions caused by my inability to recognize I have a gambling problem. I know there will be people that no matter what I do or what I say will not respect me ever again and this is okay because there is nothing I can do to control anyone's thoughts. I can only control my thoughts and actions. With the Gamblers Anonymous Program in my life and the Steps applied to my daily affairs I know I will regain the respect I lost from myself over one year ago. I thank everyone who I have met through the GA Program in the past year because everyone of those people have touched my life and the Program has saved my life.

Finally a very big happy birthday to my younger sister!!! Happy birthday Jeanine; I love you so very much and I hope you had a great day. Thank you so very much for all that you have done; you are not only a great sister but a great person.

Step Three

Fifty-two weeks have passed since my very first Saturday morning Gamblers Anonymous meeting and what a difference fifty-two weeks make. I had the honor and privilege of being the Secretary this morning because our regular Secretary was out of town and I told them I would be happy to set-up the room and bring the materials to the meeting. Last year at this time my life was completely upside down due to my actions and now one year later my life is still upside down but in a very good way. It is upside down because the life I have known for so very long is gone which makes me very happy.

I was able to spend two hours this morning participating in a Program that has saved my life and I am forever grateful. I do love this Program and one year ago I had no idea what it was all about. Now I understand the Program and my fellow members and I am so glad I made the decision to get help with my compulsive gambling addiction.

Part of the Program is the 12 Steps of Recovery and I have documented the first two steps and would like to document the third step; Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of this Power of our own understanding. In the first step I admitted I was powerless to gambling and my life had become unmanageable. In the second step I came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. Now I have made a decision to turn my will and my life over to a Higher Power.

I choose to call my Higher Power "God" but it is not in a religious sense it is in a spiritual sense. My Higher Power is not related to any religion, denomination or sect. My Higher Power does not discriminate. My Higher Power is loving, caring, forgiving and is there at all times. My Higher Power is not male or female it is a spirit which lives in my world. My Higher Power listens and does not judge.

In the past year and even today my life has a great deal of uncertainty but I look to my Higher Power to deliver me to a serene contented life and it has worked each and every time. I am honest, open and willing with my Higher Power and my higher power also shares these three characteristics. My Higher Power has not only delivered me to a serene contented way of life it has saved my life. Without a Higher Power in my life I would go back to my old ways and my old ways would lead to death and destruction. Now there is life and I am developing into a person with character.

My self-will is gone and my will has been turned over to my Higher Power. My Higher Power will guide me into a sane world not the insanity I have lived with for so long. I cannot control everything in my life I can only control my thoughts and with my Higher Power these thoughts are positive and with a purpose. The roadblocks of the past are gone as long as I have my Higher Power in my life and my life has gotten so much better each and every day.

Finally, with my Higher Power in my life I truly understand the meaning of the Serenity Prayer; God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference. I have recited this prayer countless times in the past year because I know I can change myself but I cannot change so many other things and my Higher Power has given me the strength to know the difference. Life is so much better when I don't have to solely rely on myself. I have so many blessings in my life and my Higher Power is one of those blessings.

Rainy Day in Southern California

We don't get many of these types of days in Southern California but today was a day to stay inside and keep warm. I know it is not the cold of the Midwest or East Coast nor Canada but to me who's blood has thinned to less than water it felt cold when the temperature hit 46 degrees which combined with the rain made for a very dreary day. The children had a half day of school and we took the afternoon to just sit with them and watch movies. I know these are the little things that I took for granted all of my life but now when they occur I cherish each second. I know my days are numbered and may not have many more of these days left. Which is why spending quality time with my family is one of the things I cherish most.

I was thinking (again) about this time last year. This would have been the day after everything broke and I had made a decision to get help. I first surfed the internet for Gamblers Anonymous and came across their website. I looked for a meeting in my area and the next meeting would be Saturday morning at a local church. I will write more about this first meeting on Sunday. As I perused the GA website I came across the Twelve Steps of Recovery. This is a program within the GA Program that must be followed in order to get one's life back.

As I read the Recovery Program last year I didn't really know what it all meant. I came across words like God and Higher Power and was turned off instantly. I have not been a religious person but I have been a spiritual person but wasn't aware of this last year. As I read steps 7 and 11 I didn't know if I could do this because it specifically mentioned God but I knew I needed help so I made a promise to myself to go to the Saturday morning GA meeting. This was one of the best decisions I have ever made because now I know the difference between being spiritual and being religious. GA does is not a religious program it is a spiritual program and my spirit has grown and continues to grow each and everyday.

Also this day last year I contacted the Employee Assistance Program because I knew I would still have health insurance until the end of the month and asked them if they had a counselor who was trained in gambling addiction. They didn't have a counselor certified in gambling addiction but referred me to an addiction specialist. I couldn't get in to see this person for three weeks but I made the appointment anyway and the Employee Assistance Program guaranteed me 8 sessions with this counselor. I did find it some out ironic that a Casino's health insurance program wouldn't have a specialist who deals with gambling addiction. There are numerous reasons why there weren't any most notably the treatment of compulsive gamblers is way behind any other addiction but I know it will come around some day. I made all 8 sessions and this too has helped me tremendously.

Finally on this day last year I needed a defined plan to get help with my addiction and wanted to contact people who are leaders in this field. One of the first emails I sent out was to Arnie Wexler who is the world's renown expert in the field of compulsive gambling and one year later I am blessed to call this man my friend. I wanted to understand my addiction and get the help I have ignored for so long. I knew what I had done was wrong and would face some dire consequences but I also knew that I needed help with my addiction.

I started writing to anyone who would respond and some of those people who responded are very dear friends today and will be for a lifetime. These are people who really care because they want to help other compulsive gamblers with their addiction. I am so glad I made the decision to get help with my compulsive gambling addiction on this day last year because without any of this help I am not sure if I would be writing this blog.

This Date

This time last year March 2, 2005 was the day in which everything had come crashing down upon me. The years of living in denial had finally caught up to me. It was a Wednesday morning and much like many of the other Wednesday mornings I had dropped my son off at his pre-school because my wife was volunteering in my daughter's first grade class. I made the 15 minute drive from my son's pre-school to my previous employer and I had so many things on my mind. I thought I had at least two more days to sure up my explanation for what was going on but I was wrong.

As I drove into the parking garage I had noticed the Assistant Director of Security standing out front. I glanced over to him and he nodded as I entered the parking garage. I parked my car and walked toward the Assistant Director of Security and he informed me that he was there to escort me directly to the Gaming Commission Office. He apologized for the inconvenience and he stated he did not know what it was all about but I probably had known. He was right I knew exactly what it was all about and I felt my stomach drop into my knees. As we made the five minute walk this very nice man made small talk about running and exercising and all sorts of positive things that he knew I did. As we reached the Gaming Commission Office we parted ways and he was so cordial I will never forget this. He said; goodbye and I knew at that instant that I would never see this man again.

As I entered the conference room I saw a police officer in another office and heard his radio. I knew this was the end. I sat down in the conference room and in entered three people one of which was my old boss, the Director of Compliance and a Compliance Officer. The Director of Compliance took charge as he normally does in these types of matters. I have been on the other side of the table in regards to these matters before and I never did really care for this man's attitude but I understood he was just doing his job. I understood this very aspect when he started asking me questions. His first question was; "You know why we are here, don't you?"

I was faced with a decision which was to keep denying or finally tell the truth. I know I made the right choice when I opted for the truth and told the whole story. After finishing telling part of the story this person asked me; "why did I do it?" My answer for the first time in 20 plus years of denying my gambling was "I am a compulsive gambler". The only response from this person was "where did I gamble?" I told him the internet and I went into how my addiction to betting on sports had led me to where I was that very day.

I had no idea at the time but I was working Step 1 in the Gamblers Anonymous Program; "We admitted we were powerless over gambling - that our lives had become unmanageable". As I made this statement I felt a little release from my shoulders not a full release but a small release. I wasn't fully aware of it at the time but this was the start of my recovery from compulsive gambling.

As the interrogation went on my ex-boss had only one thing to say; he told me I had set the whole accounting department back to square one to before the days in which he had cleaned everything up. I apologized but I know he didn't want to hear anything from me because he took what I did very personally and still feels this way one year later. I can't change his thoughts I can only change myself. I know what I have done was terrible but it was not a personal attack at him it was my way of having it all. I could gamble uncontrollably and still live a normal life; it was truly fantasy and not reality. This is what I got for denying this compulsion all of my life.

After my ex-boss spoke the Director of Compliance gave me some blank papers and told me this was my chance to tell my side of the story. There was no my side of the story; in fact there is only one side of the story which is the wrong side. What I did was plain wrong but at the time I was doing it I had no control over my actions because my compulsive gambling had taken over my life.

No one but a person with an addiction can understand that statement but it is true. I take full responsibility for those actions and will do whatever it takes to right the wrong. If the Judge decides four years of state prison is the way to remedy the situation then I will do four years of state prison. I know people want to make an example out of me but I have to make an example out of myself for myself and for my family in order to lead a normal happy life. In the past year I have found the right road to this normal happy life which does NOT include gambling.

I wrote four pages explaining what I did and apologizing to everyone especially my wife and children. I did not set out to hurt anyone but that is what I did because I ignored all the warning signs. Also; what I didn't realize at the time but I was working Step 5 of the Gamblers Anonymous Program; "Admitted to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs", by writing this confession. Which is another critical component of my recovery.

Finally I finished the confession and the police officer entered the room. He had some procedural questions to ask and after a few minutes he told me I was a "nice" guy. I don't know why he chose to tell me this but he did and I think it made me feel worse. Maybe if I were a "bad" guy I wouldn't have felt the way I was feeling and it would have been easier. After this he put the handcuffs on me and led me down to his police car. I saw three people who I had worked with for the past four years as I was led to the police car and all I could do was look away. He placed me in the police car and went back to retrieve some paperwork. When he came back he told me he may not be arresting me today and told me to sit tight. This is where my sick compulsive gambler brain kicked in and I started thinking I was going to get out of it.

After 15 minutes he came back to the police car and told me to get out. He took the handcuffs off and told me he was not arresting me today because they had not collected all the evidence and the clock starts ticking as to evidence collecting when the person is arrested. They wanted to make sure they had all of the evidence before arresting me. The police officer let me go but before he let me go the Director of Compliance told me to not go anywhere which I assured him I was not. Also; as I left I told the Director of Compliance to tell my ex-boss to send the payroll file to the bank because it was due that afternoon and I obviously couldn't send it. There is no reason why 5,000 people shouldn't get paid because I got arrested and wanted to make sure the payroll file was sent.

I was escorted to my car and drove out from my ex-employer for the last time. As I drove out I knew I had to tell my wife. I placed a phone call to my wife and asked her to meet me for lunch at a local T.G.I.F. Friday's restaurant. I knew she was perplexed because I never ask to see her for lunch on the spur of the moment but she agreed. See I was a coward and I had to pick a public place where there would be witnesses if she tried to kill me but in retrospect there isn't a jury in the world that would convict her because it would have been a justifiable homicide. I told her at the restaurant what had happened and she immediately wanted to go home. We drove home and her first words were; "How could you do this to us??" She was right; how could I do this to the three people who mean the world to me. The only explanation I had was I am a sick compulsive gambler.

After the initial shock my wife went into safety mode. We talked for awhile and looked through the telephone book for an attorney. She picked the attorney out of the phone book because she liked his picture and as it turned out she picked a very good attorney. We both met with my new attorney that evening and everything was put in motion from this point forward.

In one year since that episode had happened my wife has never said a derogatory thing to me. No snide comments, no back stabbing, nothing; she truly is a remarkable person and she is my rock. My love her grows each and every day. Yes, I put my family in a horrible position but the love I discovered from so many people has truly saved my life.

First of Many

Last night I had the honor and privilege to co-chair a one year Gamblers Anonymous birthday. This marks the first of six one year birthdays which will take place within the next month. I don't know what happened last year as to why six of us entered the GA Program at relatively the same time but I do know why I have stayed around. I have stayed around because the Program has saved my life and someone put it so well this afternoon it would be so selfish of me to leave the Program and not help others. I truly love this Program and the people within the Program. They have given me so much love and support it really is amazing.

At the one year birthday last night the room was filled with love and admiration. The person who was celebrating their one year birthday is a very special member and I was so honored when they asked me to help chair the meeting. The Program works if you work it and this member has worked the Program since day one and continues to work the Program each and every day.

We are blessed people to have found such a wonderful Program and I am blessed person to be surrounded by such magnificent people. The meeting went very well and wouldn't you know it we had three brand new members attend their very first meeting. The sad fact is compulsive gambling is really taking its toll on our society but the positive fact is that people are seeking help with their addiction.

This afternoon I attended the new Wednesday GA meeting which features a different speaker each week. Today we had a very long time member share their experience, strength and hope. I was mesmerized the whole time this member spoke. This member has seen a great many people enter the rooms of GA and some make it and some don't but that does not deter this member from making a lifetime commitment to the Program. It truly is a lifetime commitment. I will never be cured and as long as I have the GA Program in my life and apply the Steps in my daily affairs life will continue to get better. I listened to a person who lives and loves the GA Program and it has saved their life as well.

Before the GA meeting I met with my regular compulsive gambler group for an hour. I have been doing this for the past three weeks and it really gets to the core of my problem and also helps me in other areas of my life. It is a great supplement to the GA Program and the person who is in charge of the group is a long time member of GA as well. Today was a little different because this person who is in charge of the group was not there but we decided to meet anyway. We deviated a little bit from the group materials but it still was a great session. I was able to ask and answer questions at length and I believe the other members of the group had gotten something out of it as well.

I have always liked to ask questions because this is how I learn but in the past I was never very good at answering questions because I was not honest. Today I am getting very comfortable answering questions because I am honest each and every day. This is one of the keys to my recovery. As long as I am honest and open with myself I can be honest and open with everyone else. I found myself answering questions this afternoon and the answers just flowed because I didn't have to stop and think about any lies I might have told. It is so much easier to answer any questions when I am honest because I don't have to remember anything because the truth comes naturally.

The lies have stopped and in fact the lies stopped one year ago today. One year ago tonight was the first time I told someone about my compulsive gambling problem even though I was confronted the next day. I had to tell someone and I chose someone who I considered a very good friend. Unfortunately the events of this past year have prevented me from seeing or hearing from this former friend but I still remember telling this person what I had done. I put this person in a very bad situation and other situations have come up in the past year to further complicate this person life but I know everyone will work itself out. I don't believe I will ever see or speak with this person again but that is the price I will pay for inability to get help at an earlier time.

During this conversation there were many things brought up and this former friend made me believe everything would be okay. I was extremely delusional and wanted to believe everything would be okay which may have been one of the reasons as to why I told this person. Over the course of the next few days everything wasn't okay but over the course of this past year everything is really turning out very well. It really has been the worst and best of years. I won't go into the gory details but I know this has happened for a reason and no matter what the judge decides in the next few weeks everything will continue to get better.