Blessed and Grateful

First off a few personal items which I have been neglecting for the past few days. My daughter and son received their progress reports (they were called report cards when I was in school but now they are known as progress reports) last week. My daughter who has been labeled a "nerd" by her aunt received an extremely favorable progress report. She is in the second grade and they are not given A's, B's, C's, D's or F's they are given 1's (not so good), 2's (better) and 3's (best). She received nothing but 3's and 2+'s hence earning the nickname from her beloved aunt.

I hope she stays a nerd throughout her academic years. A "nerd" is a good nickname as long as she keeps getting progress reports like the ones she has been receiving. I think my daughter will be a "cool nerd" when she is in High School as long as she gets over her need to be perfect. This is another story for another time.

My son who is only in pre-school; he will start kindergarten in the Fall received his progress report as well. This was more of an informal meeting with his pre-school teacher than my daughter's progress report but was also very good. I am not so sure we will ever label my son a "nerd" in the coming years but his teacher had nothing but good things to say about him. One of the compliments he received from his teacher was how good a listener he is. This was shocking to my wife and me because he must leave all his listening skills at school. At home he will listen after the second and sometimes third time we tell him to do something. So when his teacher told us this we were amazed. We asked her if she had the right child. She assured us it was Jonathan and she has even used him as an example of what to do for the other children. This was truly amazing and I am so blessed to have two wonderful children.

I have to be very careful of how I present my "going away" to my children because I don't want to ruin their beautiful lives. I know there will be some bumpy roads but I do know my wife will continue the positive reinforcement while I am away. Yes, I will miss a few firsts and it really pains me to think of this; however; I will truly be there for them when my time is up. I will truly be there for them over their lifetime. There will be no more distractions, no more lying and no more pretending. I am a better father because of what has happened and I fully intend on becoming better and better as each day passes no matter where I spend the next few years.

I couldn't have asked for a better family. All I ever need is right in front of me. Yes, I did some incredibly stupid things without thinking of the consequences and I will pay for those stupid things and rightfully so. We live in a civilized society and people should act civilized at all times. I did not act civilized and will be punished for those actions. I do know I have some powerful tools to get me through each and every day. Those powerful are just as effective on the outside as they are on the inside as long as I keep those principles a part of my daily affairs. My future is uncertain but as long as I live today with a positive purpose and look to my Higher Power for guidance life today gets better which will make my future that much better.

Earlier today I had a conversation with a very prominent psychiatrist in the field of compulsive gambling. This man has been a leader in the field for over 30 years and as I explained my situation to him I felt very uneasy. I did not meet him face to face which may have made me more comfortable I spoke with him over the telephone. I spoke for about 15 minutes and did not receive a great of feedback which made me feel very uncomfortable. This is one of my character defects; I have a need to be liked by everyone and I feel everyone should like me. Let's face it there are many people who don't like me and may never like me because of the things I have done. However; when I was faced with this silence by the psychiatrist I realized I have a great deal of work to do on this character defect.

I know people will either like me or won't like me and that is life but there is something inside of me that needs to be liked. Where does this come from? I am not sure and will continue to search for answers to this question. For the time being I will continue to be aware of this character defect and won't do anything detrimental to act on this character defect like say or do the wrong thing in order to be liked. In the past I would do or say anything to be liked and I still have some of this inside me but the difference now is that I am aware of this character defect. Being aware of a character defect is the first step for me in getting rid of this character defect but I still have a long way to go.

As the conversation went on I felt a little more comfortable with myself and the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist had asked me if I get any urges to gamble and I responded no. I went on to tell him how I have immersed myself in Gamblers Anonymous and I am truly working the Program so I don't get any urges. He told me this was a very good thing and I was doing very well in my recovery. I thought a little more about why I didn't have any urges and I thought of the other times I had stopped gambling.

In the other times I had stopped gambling there was no recovery just abstinence. Now I have recovery and intend on having recovery in my life for the rest of my life. This may seem like a daunting task for some people but I need to have recovery or I am destined to make those same mistakes again. Only the next time (with the help of GA and my Higher Power there won't be a next time) will truly be the last time because it will lead to a very lonely death. We have a fabulous member in GA who always states they are a grateful compulsive gambler and I would have to second this because I am a blessed and grateful compulsive gambler.