Mother's Day 2007

I completed my leisurely lunch and it was time for me to write. I didn’t procrastinate and started to write soon after finishing lunch. I wanted to complete my writing so I could start THE 5TH HORSEMAN. There are some days when I struggle to write and other days when I can’t stop. Yesterday was one of the days when I couldn’t stop. I wrote the daily entry for the blog and also wrote my mother a letter. I guess my writing is a bit (okay maybe more than a bit) lengthy which could explain why I had used up the entire afternoon. I continue to be amazed as to how time goes by quickly when I am doing something. When I am in a groove writing, 2 hours pass before I know it. Yesterday, I passed 3 hours without even realizing it. I finally put down my pen and picked up THE 5TH HORSEMAN.

At dinner tonight, I received a very large serving of beans and used the hot dog rolls which are given to the normal eating inmates to make a “bean sandwich”. The beans with the broccoli were very filling - my digestive system has gotten used to this combination – and I was filled for the night. It was back to the dorm to wait for the evening yard to open. While I waited I read some more of the Patterson novel which was very “Pattersonique”. It is a page-turner but as I moved forward quickly I didn’t find an affinity with any of the characters. The first half of the novel seemed to lack depth. It is entertaining but not much more. This is a non-Alex Cross novel and this book is about the Women’s Club. I maybe missing something because I had no emotional attachment to any of the characters. However, one of the best attributes of a Patterson novel is he never seems to waste words.

Since there wasn’t any evening yard over the past few nights, there haven’t been any telephone sign-ups. This meant they were available last night on a first come first serve basis. By the time I arrived all the time slots had been taken. Even my friend could not obtain one and he was outside well before me. I was hoping to call my mother and wish her a Happy Mother’s Day since I don’t have any telephone time tomorrow. I asked the CO who is in charge of the telephones and who also works in the dining hall. She was very pleasant as she usually is and allowed me an 8:45 pm phone call. I realized I would be waking my mother up but I really wanted to talk with her. I called but there was no answer. I tried a second time but still no answer. Since I had the telephone time, I thought I would call my wife because I wanted to hear her voice. I did wake her up and I could hear the grogginess in her voice. It took her a few minutes to wake up but I did most of the talking in the first few minutes. I told my wife what I found out about the transfer and that I was really okay. The only hope of getting to fire camp sooner resided with my friend transferring this week and him working his “magic” to get me transferred this week. My wife was disappointed for me and realized this would further delay her visit. As always my wife was very sympathetic to my plight but we both agreed there isn’t anything either one of us can do to expedite the transfer. At least I know where I stand and won’t be disappointed when Tuesday rolls around.

We moved on to another subject and this is where my wife did most of the talking. I asked her if there was anything new regarding my 401K with my former employer. Unfortunately, there wasn’t but she had some other interesting news she learned from a friend. I would categorize this news as gossip but I was very intrigued as my wife talked. Our time is always limited on the phone and the fact that the evening yard was about to close didn’t help. As she got to the very fascinating part of this story, the telephone was unceremoniously cut-off. My wife was in mid-sentence when the telephone went dead. It was GREAT to hear her voice and even though much of the conversation was gossip, I was so happy I called her. I would like to know the next part of this story but it will have to wait until next Tuesday. I felt very invigorated after speaking with my wife. WE couldn’t say good-bye or I love you because the phone cut-off but I do miss her so much and love her so much, we don’t need the words.

I finished THE 5TH HORSEMAN this morning. The storyline was very compelling but was resolved in one page. It did have some twists and turns but seemed to fall a bit flat. It wasn’t a bad novel but it wasn’t a great one. It was decent and did entertain me. The best part was that it helped pass the time quickly. As always, I was very happy to read a James Patterson novel even though this one wasn’t one of his best in my opinion.

Today is Mother’s Day 2007 and as my wife stated “just another day”. She is right because it is just another day for me. I cannot take care of my children so my wife can have time for herself. I cannot take my wife out for a nice Sunday Brunch or stay home and cook her breakfast. I won’t even see my wife today. These are all part of my consequences of my actions and yes, this is the punishment. Unfortunately, the punishment does not just fall on me as it spills over to my wife, children, family, and friends. I have to always remember this because in a short while I will be with my wife and family and things will hopefully get back to normal. I will be able to take care of my children so my wife can have a day for herself. I will be able to take her to brunch or make her breakfast at home. There will be wonderful times as long as I stay in recovery. My life is filled with blessings and my temporary leave from my family will be over soon enough.

There are many special mothers in my life and I would like to wish all of these Mothers a very Happy Mothers Day! I would like to single out three special mothers. The first one is my mother-in-law. This wonderful woman opened up her home to my family where they have lived for the past 10 months. Her home is filled with so much love and support. She has provided my family with normalcy in a very abnormal situation. Thank you so much and please know I love you very much. Happy Mother’s Day!

The second mother is my mom. My mother has stood behind my family and me since the beginning of this journey, over 2 years ago. I can feel her love all the way across the country. She too, has supplied so much love and support for my family during this very stressful time. My mother has been my conduit to the outside world and I love her so very much. Thank you so much for everything especially your love and support of not only me but the rest of my family. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!

Last, but certainly not least, is my darling wife. Over the years on Mother’s Day I would say to her, “You’re not my mother.” This is a horrible thing to say even in a joking way. The facts are my wife is the Mother of our children and she is a GREAT mother! My wife is a very strong woman and has maintained nothing but consistency for our children in this very inconsistent time. I put the weight of the world on her shoulders some 2 years ago and she has been carrying it ever since. Not only has she been carrying this weight, she has done it with dignity. My love for my wife continues to grow every second. I love her so very much and thank her for her love and devotion. My wife has displayed love and support for me from the beginning, but more importantly, she maintains nothing but love and caring for our children. I love you Sweetie and miss you so very much! Happy Mother’s Day!

Ten Months In

I waited for the mail call and received notification that my attorney had sent me a letter. “Legal Mail” is the only mail which remains unopened until the inmate is present. It can only be picked up during the hours of 7:00 pm and 8:00 pm daily. The CO opens the letter in the presence of the inmate, inspects it for contraband but is forbidden from reading it due to the attorney-client confidentiality. I picked up the letter later in the evening and it was nothing “earth shattering”. I was hoping to receive a response to my questions but all I received was a letter for my records clarifying another letter my attorney sent out a few weeks ago. I realized hindsight is always 20/20 and I have to live with the decisions I have made but I would be hard pressed to refer my attorney to anyone knowing what I know now. At this point I have to continue with him and I have to accept this fact. Hopefully, he will respond to my questions that have still not been resolved from court.

Dinner came relatively early and I went to the dining hall for the Mexican food dinner. I keep losing my dinner partners and now I am sitting with different members form my dorm. I used to eat breakfast and dinner with a dorm mate but he departed for fire camp. After my fellow Instructor departed, I ate with another dorm mate but he was paroled yesterday. Everyone keeps leaving while I remain here. This last dinner partner was not exactly my favorite as he was a bit hard of hearing and constantly said “huh.” I don’t mind repeating myself but he also said this after he spoke so it was very confusing for me. Also, as he departed (please keep in mind he was going home) yesterday he said, “I will be back.” This was his third time and he is only 31 years old. I tried to speak with him and offer positive words of encouragement, but he would have nothing of it. The prison system in California certainly seems like a revolving door and I am afraid he might be right back. I would have thought being released would be a happy day but he wasn’t very happy. There seems to be something wrong with this equation if someone is reluctant to enter the free world.

I went to sleep at my usual time and had a very strange dream. I was with my son and we were in my younger sister’s neighborhood. It wasn’t where my sister lives now; it was a new neighborhood with mansions. My son and I were in a house across the street. I could see my sister as I looked out the window form the neighboring house. My son and I were alone and were walking through the house and there was a huge picture window. We stopped and noticed what appeared to be a very elderly lady walking down the sidewalk pushing a cart. This older lady was bundled up from head to toe but it was summertime. When I noticed the lady, I felt suspicious but before I could say anything this “older lady” shed her clothes only to reveal a very dark skinned man and an ouzi. He started shooting at us but the picture window was made of bulletproof glass. As soon as he started shooting, I grabbed my son and tucked him underneath me. We realized the bullets weren’t penetrating the glass or the house and then we got up. We walked around the house and my son was not frantic at all, he was very calm. I looked at another window where I could see my younger sister in her house giving me the thumbs up sign to show everything’s all right. My son and I continued to walk around the house and I discovered it was impenetrable from the outside. The house belonged to a senator and I felt safe in spite of the would be terrorist shooting outside. This is where I woke up and it is funny how I can easily recall this dream while others I cannot. I am not going to play amateur psychologist and if anyone is into interpreting dreams – by all means feel free.

Today marks 10 months into my sentence. The time is moving quickly and technically I have 14 months to go. When I arrive to fire camp my sentence will be reduced further. IF I move next week, (yes, it would be a MIRACLE) I would have 9 ½ months to go.

Today’s breakfast was the scrambled egg bean burrito with my favorite hot cereal with cinnamon. I gladly gave away the eggs but no one wanted the beans and I cannot eat these in the morning because it wreaks havoc on my body. I was able to obtain two more servings of the cereal. I was having a hard time eating the rice cereal this morning because the kitchen workers were very sloppy in their distribution of the foods. The scrambled eggs spilled over into the rice cereal and my aversion to eggs was hindering me from eating the rice cereal. I spent most of the time picking out the scrambled eggs and eating around them. Yes, I received a total of 3 servings of cereal but ended up eating only one as I couldn’t get over the fact that the scrambled eggs infiltrated my cereal. Yes, I know I have a problem!

The process of picking up my books went fairly smoothly and I only had to wait 30 minutes. My mother sent me THE 5TH HORSEMAN by James Patterson and PROMISE ME by Harlan Coben. I have detailed in the past how much I enjoy the Patterson novels and am looking forward to reading the book. Harlan Coben is one of my mother’s favorite authors so I am equally looking forward to reading this book as well. I don’t recall ever reading a Coben book before which is surprising because my mother raves about his novels. I was thankful to have received the books and now I can fill in my downtime with some more reading.

Theory and Reality

In keeping with the entry from yesterday, I will continue with the story regarding the old coach and my pending transfer to fire camp. This morning I was hoping to see the old coach as a follow-up to our conversation of yesterday. When I went out into the yard to start the PFT Class, I quickly checked his office but he wasn’t there. At the end of the class I even asked the new coach if I could go into the gym to see the old coach and he said, “Yes.” However, he still wasn’t in his office. As an aside, the new coach came out into the afternoon yard and stopped by me as I was exercising. As soon as he saw me he said, “Don’t you ever stop exercising?” and he laughed.

I said, “No, I can never get enough.” And laughed as well. He then asked me about my transfer to fire camp. I told him it’s taking me longer than I expected and he said if there is anything he could do to let me know and he would be more than happy to write a letter in my behalf. I thanked him and would let him know. Unfortunately, a letter will not help me get to fire camp faster. What I need is someone who knows how to work the system. The new coach has not been here long enough to know this and that is why I put my trust into the old coach.

This afternoon I went by the gym door to see if the old coach was in his office and thankfully his light was on in his office. Normally, I would be apprehensive to enter the gym for a number of reasons but not today. There are some CO’s who guard the gym door who do not allow the instructors entry. However, I walked by the CO with much confidence and without saying a word, walked over to the old coach’s office. I peeked inside and he was sitting at his desk. I knocked and went in. He told me to sit down and when he told me that I thought to myself “Oh boy, this can’t be good.” He told me he went to the Captain’s office yesterday, but he wasn’t there. The old coach left my letter with the Captain’s secretary and as of yet hasn’t heard anything back. Again I thought to myself, “Here I go again not knowing what is going on.” He called the Captain and this conversation lasted a few minutes and I could tell by listening to the old coach I wasn’t going to find out my status. I was right because the Captain said he would have to check some things out and he would get back to him.

After chatting with the old coach, much to my surprise the telephone rang and it was the Captain calling back. The old coach had a lot of concern in his face as he was talking to the Captain. Yet again, my heart sank and thought something was wrong. According to the Captain, inmates who are going to Fire Camp and are flagged do not automatically go to the top of the list. Now there is an order and right now they are taking inmates who completed their fire fighting requirements in January. Since I completed these in March, I have to wait a few more weeks – most likely a month or more.

This is where it gets tricky – so please bear with me. I do understand the need for order in selecting inmates to go to fire camp; however, this is a grand “theory” proposed by the Captain. In “reality” inmates are being transferred to fire camp out of order. Case in point – 7 members of my FTP Class have already been transferred to fire camp, yet I am still waiting. It seems to me, the Captain is following this theory, but others who are responsible for transfers are not adhering to this theory. This Captain is only one of the many “decision makers” regarding fire camp transfers, but he is my only contact. I explained all of this to the old coach and he did understand, but he is very much by the book.

There was another coach in the office at the time and she had another idea which was to call the fire camp directly. She did this for an instructor of hers and placed him in the fire camp. Yes, it took three months but this was another option. As it turns out, this fire camp is the same one I would like to go to. I could tell the old coach was not going to do this since he is much by the book. Later on he told me, “I can’t call the fire camp directly because this would be going behind the Captain’s back. I can’t do this because the Captain has ALWAYS been good to me.” I understood and told the old coach that I certainly didn’t want him to do something he can’t do in good conscience.

When the old coach was speaking with the Captain, he did some very favorable things on my behalf such as stating, “He is one of the most conscientious Instructors I have ever had.” This was good to hear and also I don’t know quite what transpired the first 2 times the old coach spoke with the Captain, but I do believe he did speak with him. I’m also not sure why the rules have changed for me but apparently they have. Even the old coach remarked, “You have every right to be angry that these rules have now changed.” I’m not angry at all, this is all part of things I have no control over and I truly accept this. I was hoping to be transferred last month and it didn’t happen. Now I hope to be transferred by July. I really thought being an Instructor would have some “juice” into getting to fire camp quickly, but now it appears not to be the case for me. There is a reason for all this – perhaps it is a test of my patience and resolve. I will remain resolute to my recovery and my patience remains solid. I will remain positive and hope to be transferred by July.

Although the outcome of speaking with the old coach wasn’t what I wanted, I was happy to receive this information. Now I know where I stand and I know the Captain is indeed aware of me. I am not just a file in a stack of papers. Whether this helps expedite things, I doubt, but I have truly done all that I can do and now it is time to sit back and wait. So goes the saga of getting my transfer to fire camp quickly and now I will concentrate on staying positive each and everyday.

A quick aside – I received a letter from one of my dear friends I haven’t heard from in awhile. It was postmarked April 1st! This letter was from Canada, but 40 days for delivery seems like much! Also, this dear friend has sent me another letter which I have yet to receive. I wonder where they are? There was some unfortunate news in one of the letters. All I can say is life is so precious and no one knows what tomorrow will bring.

Pizza, Pizza, Pizza!

Yesterday afternoon when the yard opened, I had two things I wanted to accomplish. I wanted to call my wife and pick up the books that were sent to me on Monday. In the outside world, these tasks are very easy, but in here they are indeed chores. I was finally able to make that call and went through the bail bond company to save my wife some money for the cost of the call. I tried her at home but there wasn’t any answer, then I tried her on her cell, which went to voice mail. I really wanted to talk to someone so I tried my mother’s house but there was no answer. Afterward I tried to call her cell phone and once again it went to voice mail. I decided to call my wife’s cell phone again and leave a message. Amazingly, my wife answered and I did get to speak with her. I was also able to speak with both my daughter and son briefly, and it is always great hearing their voices. My poor son has such bad allergies and I could hear it in his voice. My wife has taken him to the doctor’s and he gave him allergy medication and eye drops. He’s having such a horrible time with this season’s allergies. In the brief time I spoke with him, I felt so bad listening to his very nasally voice. I certainly hope allergy season is over soon!

My wife is still dealing with the same financial issues that she has been dealing with over the last two months and she is no closer to resolution on any of the matters. She has been trying to obtain some money in my 401K, but my former employer (yes, the same one I stole from) is giving her a very hard time. At the conclusion of my case, the prosecuting attorney withdrew any rights to this money which meant it would go to my wife. However, accessing these funds has been very difficult and my wife can certainly use the money. Hopefully, she will have a positive resolution soon so she won’t have to resort to legal measures. She is also still dealing with getting the car registered in NJ, but the state tax issue remains unresolved. My wife even received assistance from a local assembly person in NJ. She was on the telephone for two hours regarding this issue and she still has no resolution on this as well. I can feel my wife’s frustration as I share it with her. Unfortunately, I can’t help her from here and I am truly powerless to these situations. I was interested if my wife had a chance to call the Captain regarding my transfer to fire camp, but after hearing her problems, my transfer to fire camp became insignificant.

The telephone call was over and I went to the R&R area where I needed to pick up the books. Unfortunately, I missed the pick-up by just a few minutes which I thought might happen. I headed back to the dorm after doing my exercising and only had a half of sandwich for lunch so I could be hungry for dinner. Pizza was back on the menu and was being served last night. I made my usual deal with my neighbors obtaining their pizza for 3 soups each. Also, my neighbor on the other side made me an offer of trading his pizza to me for only one soup. The reason why his price was cheaper than my other neighbors was I could obtain his pizza in the dining hall as he is a member of a race I can trade food with in the dining hall whereas as my neighbors are members of a different race where I cannot exchange food with in the dining hall. This means this means they have to bring the pizza back to the dorm and they’re making an exchange is acceptable. Got that? In summary, I had pizza, pizza, pizza!

I received two pieces of mail – one from a dear friend and one inter-prison mail also referred to as “jail-mail”. This piece of mail was very important because it was a request I sent to the Captain regarding my transfer to fire camp. I sent this over two weeks and this was his response. This was the Captain that the “old coach” was supposedly in communications with. I wanted to know which fire camp I was earmarked for and how long it would take. Please remember the old coach told me over two weeks ago I was earmarked for a fire camp and I should be departing “very soon.” Well, the information I received yesterday seemed to contradict the old coach. According to the captain I have not been earmarked for any fire camp and I am 40th on the list. This was extremely bad news and it also contradicted the information I received 1-½ weeks ago from the relief CO who called regarding my status on the fire camp placement list. At this time I was number 30 and as of yesterday I was number 40! If I am indeed number 40 on the list, I will be here at least another 8 weeks which takes me into July. Also, the fact that I am NOT earmarked for a fire camp means I can end up at any one of the 19 fire camps in the system.

I had no idea what was going on after I read this piece of “jail-mail”. It certainly wasn’t good from my perspective and I needed to do something. The only thing I could do is write the old coach a note asking for his assistance in clearing up these issues. I have nowhere else to turn and I do believe in the old coach because he is a man of his word. I didn’t believe he was lying to me about speaking with the Captain and there had to be a mix-up somewhere. I wrote a letter to the coach explaining the situation and asked for his assistance. This is my only hope in finding out what was indeed going on. I realized if I put this in the mail last night the old coach wouldn’t receive it until Friday but getting access to his office is very difficult so I had to place it in the mailbox. (I am going to skip forward at this point because this story is fairly important to me) I’m not sure who prevented me from placing this in the mailbox but this happened. I was ready to put it in after dinner but something happened on the other yard (a mini-riot between members of the same race – sort of). Dinner was served very late which meant I couldn’t get to the mailbox. I was going to give the letter to one of my dorm mates who goes out for “pill call” later in the day. “Pill call” never came so again I had to hold onto the letter.

The timing of placing this letter in the mailbox is fairly important because the mail is picked up each night at 10:00 pm. Since I couldn’t get it in by then, the old coach wouldn’t receive this letter until Monday. However, as I was going out this morning for “work call”, I noticed that the door to where the old coach is located was open. I quickly slipped it under the door and made my way out to the basketball court. Hence, the new coach did not see me do this.

Somehow, someway things always seem to work out. Had I placed this letter in the mailbox last night, the old coach might have overlooked it for a few days. Now it would be the first thing he saw as he walked into the office. The old coach read my letter and made a special trip to see me in my dorm. He had my letter in his hand and said, “I don’t know what is going on because I spoke with the Captain on two occasions and this does not make sense.” He subsequently asked me for my two fire camp choices and wrote them down. He then said, “Let me see what is going on right now,” and headed directly to the captain’s office.

I was very impressed he came to see me and I do believe he is doing what he said. I haven’t heard back from him yet but I am very optimistic as to my transfer. My mood went from being a bit depressed yesterday to very positive after speaking with the old coach. I feel good and hopefully I will hear from him tomorrow morning!

Not Yet

I went back outside for the afternoon session of PFT Plus yesterday. We lost our best instructor (my fitness rival) as he finally got into the Firefighter Training Program after a long wait. I was very happy for him because he deserved it more than anyone, but I was sad to see him go. He was the longest standing instructor, and now I am the longstanding instructor. Earlier in the PFT class, I decided to take a step back and let another instructor handle the duties; however, for PFT Plus, I had to take charge because everyone was just standing around. I didn’t want to stand around in the 90-degree heat, nor did the inmate participants. I was very surprised because 6 inmates actually showed up for the PFT Plus class in spite of the soaring temperatures. I was all about getting the class started and did so without problems. The class went well, but I was preoccupied looking for the clerks who pass out the fire camp ducats. They have passed them out as early as 12:30 p.m. to as late as 2:30 p.m. I was in this window and did not see them yet. Also, my friend was very curious to see the clerks as well, and he was my second set of eyes. The PFT Plus class finished without my seeing any of the clerks.

I had some nervous energy and decided to run a few miles. One of the instructors wanted to run with me, and I told him I was planning on doing 8 miles, which takes about an hour. He thought this would be too fast for him but did give it a try. Well, after 1-1/2 miles, he told me to go on, and one lap after he stopped, but I continued. As I continued, I had my eyes peeled for the clerks. I finally spotted them as I got to my 6th mile. One of the clerks even stopped by my dorm to drop a ducat off. This meant someone in my dorm would be departing today. There are 8 dorm members (including me) who are waiting for the transfer to fire camp. My bunkie has been waiting the longest (15 weeks), and I really thought if only one ducat was dropped off at my dorm, he would be the one to depart. I continued to run, and as I ran by my dorm, I figured one of my dorm mates would have yelled out to me that I received a ducat. No one yelled to me, so my transfer would have to wait as I was not yet going to fire camp. I decided to cut my run short at 7 miles and go over to my dorm to see who received a ducat. This ducat that was passed into my dorm was a mistake. It was for an inmate in another dorm, so no one from my dorm will be departing today, and we all have to wait until next Tuesday.

At this point, my friend joined up with me, and he, too, did not receive a ducat. My friend will be here with me for at least another week. He was disappointed, but selfishly, I was glad that he was staying with me. I may have been a bit disappointed if he, who has been waiting 2 weeks, got transferred to fire camp. At least we can commiserate together, and I won’t feel abandoned. As for me, I was disappointed even though my expectations and hopes were low. I have to keep reminding myself fire camp will happen. It is just a matter of time, and this is happening for a reason. I was down, but just like the previous weeks, I won’t let it get me down for very long. I have emotions, and I have to process those emotions. I can’t just say, “Oh, well”, and move on. It is, indeed, a process as I fell disappointed initially but then I started the cycle all over again. My friend and I took turns cheering each other up, and we went back to our dorm with smiles on our faces. This is my recovery (all of it), and it continues to make me a better person. I am not going to moan, groan, or belabor the fact I have yet to be transferred to fire camp. My life goes on, and the days tick on by. I will be reunited with my family soon enough.

I went inside my dorm for my afternoon ritual. I washed my clothes and shaved while securing the second spot for the shower. I decided to drown my sorrows in a PB & banana sandwich along with a glass of lemonade. Now that I will be here for another week, I can open more of my food. At this rate, I will have very little food to take with me to fire camp! I recently traded for a bag of hot & spicy Chex Mix. I needed to trade off my excess beans, and my neighbor was willing to accept my offer. I opened the bag of Chex Mix and had some with my PB & banana sandwich. I am very judicious when I open bags of chips or pretzels. I intend to make this bag of Chex Mix last until next Tuesday. It is a small bag (only 8.75 ounces), but I should make it last until next Tuesday. I completed my late lunch, and I didn’t have to wait long for the shower. I got into the shower second and treated myself with the very fragrant Head and Shoulders shampoo. The shower wasn’t scalding hot, but it was hot enough. With the temperature well into the 90’s, it would have been nice to control the water temperature. This is certainly not the case. I have to take what I can get, and the bottom line was I got clean. The mail call arrived after my shower, and surprisingly, I didn’t receive anything. It appears the mailroom goes in streaks because yesterday there was very little mail for anyone in my dorm. After getting shut out of the mail call (to the surprise of my dorm mates), I returned to my bunk and started writing. I wrote until the dinner release arrived.

Dinner was over, and it was back to the dorm to wait for the evening yard to open. I anxiously awaited the evening yard to open because I wanted to pick up the books which were sent to me. I waited, but the evening yard never opened. Not only did I not get to pick up the books, I couldn’t place a telephone call to my wife informing her I will be here at least another week. I don’t know why the evening yard never opened, but I was relegated to the dorm all evening. As soon as I realized it was not going to open, I returned to my bunk and listened to the New York Mets/San Francisco Giants baseball game on the radio. The Mets did much better last night winning the game 4-1. It appears the Mets have a solid team, and if their pitching holds up, they should make the playoffs. I am not sold on their pitching staff, but so far so good. I had a little difficulty listening to the broadcast because the reception was spotty. The radio station is out of San Francisco, and I am currently 120 miles east of San Francisco. It comes in very well during the day but sporadically at night. In order to get some type of reception last night, I had to move the radio all over my bunk. This continued as I listened to the game, but the good part was I passed the entire evening doing this and then went to sleep at my usual time.

Unlike the previous night when I slept all the way through, I did have to get up once during the night. Other than that, I had a good night’s sleep. I had a dream which included my wife, and in this dream, it was my wife’s face. This was a very peaceful dream as the 2 of us (no children) were at an ice cream store (where I don’t know because it did not look familiar) holding hands and talking. My wife ordered an ice cream sundae, and I ordered a frozen yogurt (of course!). Nothing much else happened in the dream, and I woke up feeling very good. As I woke up, it was time for me to get out of my bunk and start my day. This also meant the “cycle” started once again for the 10th time as I gear up for next Tuesday on whether or not I will be transferred to fire camp. It is hard to believe I am going into my 10th week since I completed the fire training program because even though I have not been transferred to fire camp, this time still has gone by quickly.

My morning routine was the same, and that memo which was distributed at the beginning of the week became nonsensical. I guess there needs to be a learning curve with the method of communication from the CO’s. I appreciate the attempt at keeping the inmates informed, which is a big departure from no communication whatsoever. Now if they can stick with what they say, things will get even better. Unfortunately, what that memo stated and what actually happened were 2 different things. This meant the breakfast release came late instead of early, which is really not so bad since I got to enjoy Good Morning America this morning. We were watching the Today Show, but the reception on this channel became terribly scratchy, and I made the “executive” decision to change the channel. As I changed the channel, my dorm mates thanked me. Apparently, no one wanted to change the channel, but when I did it on my own, everyone was grateful. “Good Morning America” is not a bad morning show. In fact, it is as good as the Today Show. I might make “GMA” the preferred morning show for the dorm if the static continues on the Today Show.

The very late breakfast release arrived, and it was of to the dining hall for one of the breakfasts that I don’t trade away. One week Danish is served, the next week cinnamon rolls, and the following week cinnamon coffee cake is served. This is a 3-week rotation, and today it was the cinnamon coffee cake. The “Fruit Nazi” was very lonely because prunes were served and there wasn’t any fruit to steal. As I walked out of the dining hall, I wished him a “good day”. It was back to the dorm where I would wait for the work call in order to start day 2 of the PFT class. The work call arrived, and I made my way over to the basketball court.

This morning I decided to assert more of a role for myself than yesterday. Now that the head instructor has departed to the Firefighter Training Program, I have the next seniority and seem to know what is going on. I like direction, and my fellow instructors lack this. It does bother me when things are disorganized. This is why I asserted myself this morning. Unlike yesterday where the coach talked incessantly, he had to be somewhere in less than 2 hours, and the class worked out more. We were able to do a 3-mile power walk, which I led, and a 1-mile run, which I also led. We even did sets of sprints, and I actually enjoyed doing these today. I was nowhere near the fastest, but as we continued doing more sets, I was at the front for the last sets. This is where my endurance came in. Everyone, including my fellow instructors, was winded except for me. I do like to test my fitness level from time to time, and today, I passed with flying colors. Keeping with the theme of testing my fitness level, I decided to run a mile by myself after the class was over to see how fast I could run it. I was able to complete the mile in 6 minutes and 25 seconds, and I believe I could have gone faster. One mile equals 3 laps, and my time for the first lap was 2 minutes 11 seconds; second lap 2 minutes 9 seconds; and the third lap 2 minutes 5 seconds. I improved every lap, and as I watch other people run, their times always seem to decline the further they run. I felt very invigorated when I completed this brisk mile run (at least for me). It was a good way to close out a very good morning exercise session. A few minutes after I completed the mile run the yard was closed, and I had to return to my dorm.

I went inside the dorm and did an abdominal workout session. I need to do more of these as my stomach is my problem child. Sure, my stomach is flat to the point it is concave, but I am not happy with it. (Yes, I am aware I have mental problems!) I will incorporate more abdominal exercises into my daily routine just to appease my brain. After the AB session was complete, I had a snack of a South Beach protein bar. I broke down and opened the box. I have never had these until today, and I thought it was quite delicious. It did satisfy any hunger I had, and it was a good snack to hold me over for the next 3 hours. The lunch period was a bit extended today, so I had more time before the afternoon yard opened. I spent the time reading a Prisoners Advocate Newsletter. This newsletter is published by Saunders and Associates legal firm out of West Sacramento, California. The material in this newsletter was very informative. If anyone is interested in reading their newsletter, please go to www.justiceforall.tv and sign up. I believe the information will open a lot of eyes on what really happens in the California prison system. Yes, I broke the law, and I am paying the consequences for my law breaking, but I continue to learn so much about myself and other issues. Some of these other issues have to deal with the California prison system itself, and all I can say is thank God I have a support network of family and friends because so many inmates have no support system. These inmates are trapped in a horrible cycle of “catch, release, catch, release” and so on. The system is broken, but John and Jane Q. Public just don’t care. The politicians tow the hard line of “tough on crime” and criminals should be locked away. I’m not sure when California became such an uncaring state, but this is what has happened. When people can be incarcerated for not committing a crime, I believe there is a BIG problem. The system is overcrowded, and with the latest reform proposal, the system will only become more crowded. I realize there is big political machinery at work in the prison guards union, and they are extremely effective; however, if the present system continues in California, the state will go bankrupt. This won’t happen next year or the year after, but it will happen. Incarceration is a costly process, and right now, the only people prospering are the CO’s. This may be a naïve thought, but if less and less people are sent to prison, people will lose jobs. I know there will always be bad people who require prison sentences, but California appears to have so many more than any other state. I wonder what is the real reason behind this.

Uh-Oh Tuesday!

Yesterday, the afternoon yard opened only a few minutes late, and I was back into the yard walking toward the basketball court for the afternoon session of PFT Plus class. A few inmates did show up for this class, and we, the instructors, decided on doing the very easy Monday class. I was up for another session of the very difficult Friday class, but no one shared my feelings, so I was outvoted. Yes, the Monday class is very easy, but with the temperature approaching 94 degrees, even the easy classes become challenging. One of the other instructors who was here last year said the temperature reached 118 degrees in June. Now that’s hot!!! I certainly hope I don’t have to experience temperatures like these because it would mean I am still here and not at fire camp. Anyhow, the class went off without a hitch. After the class I wanted to do another 45 minutes on the Harvard Wall and did so. This gave me 2-1/2 hours’ worth of vigorous exercise for the day, and in spite of the rising temperatures, I felt very good when I was done.

As I completed the Harvard Wall, I met up with my friend, and we talked a few minutes together before I went inside for the 2:45 p.m. unlock. I had my friend all to myself, and of course we talked about the possibility of being transferred this week. My friend found out there are 5 openings at one of the fire camps in southern California. He didn’t know if these openings fit our category, but it was an encouraging sign. My friend was still awaiting word on his alternative plan. We once agreed it would be great if we were both transferred this week; however, we came to the conclusion that we should not share a dorm. The fire camp both of us want to be transferred to has 2-man dorms. We thought we would be pushing our friendship a bit too much if we were to share a dorm together. I agree, and as long as we are at the same fire camp, that is all that matters. I didn’t want to get my hopes up too high as we spoke about the fire camp transfer since I thought I would have been gone by now. My friend has taken my place venting about the transfer to fire camp. We both wondered what would take place the next day.

The 2:45 p.m. unlock arrived, and I went into my dorm for my afternoon ritual. Yes, I washed my clothes, and I forgot to mention that one of my dorm mates had bleach on Sunday which he gave me along with a plastic bag. I was able to soak my very used workout underwear in the bleach, and they came out just like they were brand new. I was amazed how white the underwear turned and how freshly clean they smelled. I am no longer scared to wear them as they are very clean.

After washing and hanging my clothes, I had secured the first position for the shower. At this point, I went back to my bunk to wait for the shower to come on, and I made myself a late lunch. I did make the PB and banana sandwich, which was delicious. I also ate the other half of the power bar. I am getting enough nutrition, but I feel like a bottomless pit. When I finished the PB and banana sandwich, I still felt hungry, so I had some crackers. I had to separate myself from the crackers or I would have eaten all of them. I finally stopped myself from eating and listened to the radio while still waiting for the shower to come on. As I was listening to the radio, I discovered the San Francisco Giants were playing the New York Mets which meant I could listen to the game on the radio. This would be the first Mets game I have witnessed (or at least listened to) since they lost Game 7 in the National League Championship series last October. This will give me something to do in the evening besides watching Heroes. The shower finally turned on, and I got in very quickly. Yes, the downside to being first is the shower in the shower is the prospect of being scalded as the water is extremely hot. I did my best to go quickly, but it took me a few minutes to get underneath the showerhead. The water finally got a little cooler, and I went about my business. I was in and out in no time as many of my dorm mates were waiting.

I returned to my bunk where I started writing but was interrupted when the mail call arrived. I received 3 items in the mail; 2 letters and 1 notification that someone had sent me a book or books. This was very surprising since I was not expecting anything. I wonder who sent the book or books and which book or books are they. I won’t find out until I go out to R&R to pick them up. This is always an adventure, and I am hoping to pick them up this evening, or if for some reason I am being transferred to fire camp this week, I can pick the package up when I take my property to R&R. This would be the best scenario, but who knows. Anyhow, the other letters were from dear friend who I have not heard from in a while and my mom. As I read my dear friend’s letter, it contained “The Secret.” Apparently, my friend has incorporated “The Secret” into everyday life, and it is working wonders. The odd think about this is my friend does not have any idea I have heard about “The Secret”, and as I read the letter, I got chills. I can’t wait to read it and apply it to my everyday life, even in here. My friend’s letter had a great deal of excellent information, and I was very inspired while I was reading it. Again, I have so many blessings in my life and so many special people in my life. I am so grateful.

Normally, I refrain from the weekly offering of filet of fish dinner; however, last night baked potatoes were on the menu with the filet of fish. I haven’t had a baked potato in a while, so I thought I would go to the dining hall just for those baked potatoes. I thought the dinner release would arrive earlier than it has been because the day seemed to go better with the release; however, dinner was once again after 7 p.m. There is a long lag between yard closure and dinner. Yesterday, I passed this time by writing and just relaxing. The dinner release finally arrived, and it was off to the dining hall. My “real” vegetarian meal does consist of eating fish; however, I cannot eat that fish patty, so I invoke my vegetarian status. Last night I was very fortunate because, in lieu of the fish patty, I received not 1 but 2 baked potatoes and 2 packets of peanut butter. My life has been so simplified over these past 10 months that I was very happy to receive the 2 baked potatoes. I ate them along with the salad and spinach. I wasn’t exactly full from this dinner as lately my appetite has seemed to increase. I wasn’t sure if I was done eating for the evening as the baked potatoes were a good change of pace, but I wasn’t full. I returned to the dorm where I did make a PB&J sandwich to satisfy my hunger. This was not a weird happenstance, but I felt I needed to eat more, so the PB&J sandwich fit the bill.

Last night was not an evening yard so I was relegated to the dorm for the evening. The evening was shortened considerably due to the late dinner release. I had completed all of my writing so I listened to the New York Mets and San Francisco Giants game on the radio. I tuned in just in time to hear my Mets commit 2 errors which led to 4 runs and a 6-1 lead by the Giants. My Mets did not fare too well as they ended up losing 9-4. It was good to listen to the game in spite of the Mets poor play.

Last night was also a “Heroes” night, and I made my way into the television area at 9 a.m. to view the episode. There are only 3 episodes remaining in the season, and I was not very impressed with the episode last night. My dorm mates were getting very bored with the episode, and for the first time all season, several of them departed the television area before the end of the episode. If this continues, my dorm mates may give up on “Heroes” and switch back to “24.” It is a good thing that now, after last night’s episode, there are only 2 more episodes remaining. I think my dorm mates will endure the last 2 episodes, but if the action does not pick up, “Heroes” may not be on the dorm’s viewing schedule next season. Hopefully, I will be at fire camp before the next television season starts (September) because, if I am still here by then, I might have pulled out all my hair by then! Anyhow, the very disappointing episode of “Heroes” ended, and it was time for me to go to sleep.

Amazingly, I made it all the way through the night without getting up once! I really believe this has something do with the hot weather. I do seem to stay in my bunk when the weather is warmer as opposed to cooler. I’m not sure why this occurs, but it does seem to be the case. I had a dream-filled night, and the theme of people’s faces changing continued. I had a dream that involved my wife, but although my wife had the same name, her face did not look anything like her. Her voice was the same, but it was as if another person had taken over. I was sort of shaken when I woke up because I couldn’t believe this was actually my wife. Unlike the previous night’s dream where my GA friends had different faces and I accepted them as my friends, last night I could not accept this being my wife. Yes, it was very strange.

It was time for me to get out of my bunk and start my day. My early morning ritual was the same, but today is Tuesday, uh oh! This means the ducats for the fire camp transfers are out later in the afternoon. I have tempered my optimism because I have been disappointed over the past few weeks. Even my friend’s alternate plan will take another week or 2 to come to fruition. My expectations were low, and normally my hopes would be high, but my hopes were constantly wavering. Also, today was day 1 of the PFT class, and that cycle was starting all over once again. I completed my morning ritual, and the breakfast release was later than yesterday. Interestingly, a memo was circulated yesterday regarding the breakfast release this week. I was very impressed that there was a method of communication to us inmates from the CO’s; however, after reading the memo, I thought something was going to happen, but it did not. According to the memo, breakfast this morning should have been earlier than usual. As it turned out, it was later than usual. Not many of my dorm mates read the memo and those who did interpreted it differently than me. I thought I was going crazy, so I asked my dorm mates to read the memo again. When they read it again, they did agree with my interpretation that breakfast should have been earlier than normal. At lest this validated that I was NOT going crazy. I have to realize not many people, both inmates and CO’s, think like I do, which is why I have to remain flexible. I did remain flexible and got to enjoy most of the Today Show.

I was able to view a segment on the Today Show which displayed alternative sentences handed out by judges. These were alternatives to prison for nonviolent offenders. These sentences ranged from community service to wearing a billboard which stated “We will not steal from Wal-Mart”, to a woman being left overnight in the woods to fend for herself (in response to her crime of abandoning kittens in the woods). There appears to be a very forward-thinking judge in Ohio who hands out these alternative sentences, and the reason why he hands out these sentences is “Prison does not work.” Yes, that was the direct quote from the judge. Unfortunately, one of the examples came from California which has the nation’s most overcrowded prisons. At the end of the segment, Matt Lauer made a comment which stated he thought these alternative sentences were a great idea because the prison systems all across the country are overcrowded and “screwed up.” Unfortunately, my state of California seems to take the opposite stance on sentencing, and there is one state legislator who has gone on record saying, “There is no such thing as a nonviolent felon.” California has adopted the “tough on crime” stance and does not appear to be leaning anywhere near these alternative sentences. Could it be better or worse than California’s recidivism rate of 70%? It is interesting how things work out because had there been an early release for breakfast, I would have missed this segment, so it worked out very well.

The breakfast release arrived, and it was off to the dining hall. I refrained from putting my peanut butter into the creamed mush because this may have led to my stomach problems on Sunday. I traded away my egg for more creamed mush and was satisfied with breakfast. I returned to the dorm where I would wait for the work call in order to start the PFT class. The wait wasn’t too bad (45 minutes), and before I knew it, I was going outside to start the PFT class. The temperature was in the 80’s at 9 a.m. this morning and rising. This was the warmest day since I arrived here back in October. According the “old coach”, if the temperature reaches 90 degrees, the PFT class has to be suspended; however, according the “new coach”, the temperature has to reach 95 degrees for the PFT class to be suspended. I had to bite my tongue when the “new coach” spoke of this. I really wanted to ask him why the discrepancy, but I remained silent. In fact, I remained silent for the entire class. I must admit the “new coach’s” lack of organization does drive me crazy, especially with the first day of class. He is all over the place, and very little gets done. The class met for 2-1/2 hours this morning, and we only got in 2 miles of jogging and little else. The “new coach” loves to talk, and he did so today. I found some shade and kept out of the way counting the minutes for the afternoon.

Honestly, the PFT class goes by quickly, but this morning it dragged on because we didn’t do much. I prefer to keep moving, and boom, before you know it, the class is over and so is the morning. Quite the opposite occurred today, but I did get through it without getting myself in trouble. Speaking of getting in trouble, one of my fellow instructors received a write-up for not getting down right away when an alarm sounded. This happened last week when it was raining, and he was searching for a dry spot, but the CO took offense to the fact he did not get down right away. This is significant because he, too, is waiting for a transfer to fire camp, and this write-up will delay the transfer even further. He does have some recourse to defend himself, but usually, these are not overturned. It really is a tenuous existence as I wait for the transfer to fire camp. I have no intention of doing anything wrong; however, last week I did the same thing as my fellow instructor. The only difference was a CO was not near me when I found a dry spot to lie down on. Conceivably, I could have received a write-up, and thankfully, I did not. I am holding my collective breath until I am safely at fire camp. I felt bad for my fellow instructor, but there was nothing I could do.

The long, drawn-out, PFT class day 1 finally came to a close, and I went inside by dorm for the lunch period. The class cut the lunch period shorter than usual, and I only had a snack of almonds as I prepared to do some running in the afternoon. The lunch period was over very quickly, and it was back outside for the afternoon session.

No Books This Week

As I completed my run yesterday, I met up with my friend right away, and we walked a few laps. I told him about my newly acquired “running partner.” This much younger (probably in his early 20’s) inmate was polite enough to ask me if he could run with me. I certainly don’t want to offend anyone (especially in this place), so I said, “Yes.” We started to make small talk, and somehow the conversation got around to God. He told me his god was the “sun”. Now, I have been associated with Gamblers Anonymous for over two years, and I have a good understanding of a higher power, so his comment did not surprise me. However, as he started to elaborate telling me he “answers” to the sun, I realized I didn’t want this conversation to go any further. Since he was running along side of me and talking, I decided to run a bit faster so talking would be more difficult. My plan worked, and he stopped talking because he was trying to keep up with me. Much to his credit, he was able to do 2 miles with me at a good pace (7 minutes per mile), but he did stop running, and I kept going. I really don’t mind other inmates running with me, but I do enjoy my “alone time” when I run. Also, yesterday I was battling those stomach cramps, and had I not had the stomach cramps, I would have lost him sooner. I consider myself as having an open mind, but I had no response when he told me he “answers” to the sun, nor did I want to explore this further. I told my friend about this encounter, and he laughed.

My friend convinced me to sign up for a telephone call for Tuesday morning because there weren’t very many inmates signing up yesterday morning. I did deposit my ID card in the box and waited with him for the sign-up selection to start. It was taking much longer than either of us expected, but we waited patiently. Finally, the CO called out my name, my friend’s name, and one other inmate’s name. We went over to him, and he told us we could not sign up for a telephone call on Tuesday morning because we all had jobs. This was very unusual. In fact, this is the first time anything like this has happened. The CO was very nice when he explained it to us and even apologized. The odd part was there were only 3 other inmates there to sign up for the telephones. We weren’t taking away someone else’s telephone time as there were plenty of slots available. I guess this is a new procedure, and the CO is enforcing it. Thus, we were not allowed to sign up for a telephone call. I didn’t have any issues with this, but my friend seemed a bit miffed. I calmed him down, and we walked back to my dorm as the morning yard was about to close. We talked some more about my friend’s alternative plan for getting transferred to fire camp. I’m not sure if this is possible, but I believe my friend wants to move on to fire camp more than I do. He talks about this constantly, and hopefully, something works out this week.

I needed to get inside the dorm since my stomach cramps were not “relieving” themselves. Thankfully, the yard closure unlock arrived, and I said goodbye to my friend while I went inside. This was almost a repeat performance of the “silver bullet” episode a few months back. I will leave out the gory details, but I did manage to “relieve” my stomach cramps as I went inside the dorm. The dorm was very quiet at the time which seems to be the case when we have morning yard on Sundays. Not many of my dorm mates go outside for morning yard on Sundays. They seem to sleep in or watch a sporting event on television. This is good when it comes to getting into the shower because the line is very short. The showers are on from 10:30 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. daily, and yesterday I had one hour left of shower time with only 3 dorm mates in front of me. This was just like old times when the shower was on all the time. I was able to wash my clothes, shave, and get into the shower all in this sequence.

As I was washing my clothes, one of my dorm mates was trying to make a joke of my skinniness. I wash my clothes only in my boxers without a shirt on. I am skinny. There is no doubt about that, but I do have a problem area, my “love handles” (obliques). No matter how many sit-ups I do or how much I run, the only fat I have resides on my love handles. I admit I am very self-conscious of these and, when my dorm mate tried to make a joke, I took offense. I didn’t take offense to the joke, I took offense to the fact he touched my love handles. I didn’t like him touching me, and I very sternly, but politely, said, “Please don’t touch me. I don’t go around touching anyone, so I don’t expect to be touched.” I did shock my dorm mate with this statement, and I actually shocked myself. Normally, I don’t take myself too seriously, but something hit a nerve as he touched my love handles. My dorm mate did apologize and said that he understood. There weren’t any hard feelings. My reaction could have been nicer, but I guess the stress of this place creeps in when I least expect it. I have to be more aware of what comes out of my mouth, and in the future, I will be more diligent. I can say the dorm mate won’t touch me again. (As a follow-up, there are truly no hard feelings as I have talked with this dorm mate subsequent to my comment). I didn’t have to rush through my shower as only one dorm mate was waiting. I’m not sure how to take my time in the shower anymore because I have conditioned myself to get in and out as fast as possible. I did linger under the warm shower for an extra 30 seconds.

As I got out of the shower, I received some bad news. I was expecting to receive the 7th and 8th installments in the Left Behind series; however, the inmate who was supposed to get them for me didn’t go to church yesterday morning. The back-up inmate to him was not allowed to check the books out because he had 4 books outstanding already, and usually 2 are the limit, so I have no books this week, which put a little crimp in my plans. I was looking to start the 7th installment yesterday, but this will have to wait until next week. Also, I had to come up with an alternative “script” for yesterday since I had nothing to read.

After the shower and receiving the news, I made myself a very leisurely lunch now that my stomach cramps had subsided. I decided to take a break from the peanut butter and banana sandwich since I already had a banana for breakfast. (Two bananas in one day may be too much for my stomach to handle)! I went with the usual PB & J sandwich and also made a soup 30 minutes later. I wanted to drag out lunch for as long as possible, and I did. I took my time eating, and almost an hour had disappeared when I finished. After completing lunch, I wrote a little and listened to the radio. Basically, I did very little yesterday afternoon. I even watched the last 2 minutes of the NBA playoff game between the San Antonio Spurs and the Phoenix Suns. It was a compelling ending, and thankfully, these 2 minutes took 25 minutes to complete.

The game ended, and I went to my bunk. While I was on my bunk, a dorm mate gave me a weekly newspaper as well as the sport section from a San Diego newspaper which was from last Sunday. I was very excited to read these 2 newspapers. Yes, they were both sports periodicals, but I read the articles from a sports fan perspective which was nice. I was interested in seeing how the New York Mets were faring, and they are doing well! Ever since my friend’s connection to the local newspaper moved out, I have not seen a newspaper, and it has now been over a month. My dear friends keep me updated on all current events with their weekly letters to me, but it was good to read some in-depth articles. I absorbed many articles and took my time reading. I spent 90 minutes with these newspapers, which was very good. Upon completely reading these newspapers, I broke out the pen and paper until dinnertime arrived.

Dinnertime arrived 30 minutes earlier than had been the case all week. This took everyone by surprise including me. I had to scramble to get ready, and the next thing I knew I was walking to the dining hall. Last night’s dinner was a good one for me as rice and beans were both on the menu. The main entrée was a baked chicken, and I have to say if I ate chicken, I wouldn’t have eaten this chicken. This chicken did not contain a sliver of white meat, and from what I saw, it was extremely greasy. I was very happy with the red beans and rice. I received ample portions of both along with the cornbread. This was more that enough food for me. It seems the baked chicken dinner brings everyone to the dining hall because I had to wait for a table to clear. Normally, I take my tray and go directly to a table with dorm mates; however, last night there was a few-minute’s wait before a table opened. Also, the dinnertime “Chicken Nazi” was posted at the exit inspecting many inmates for wayward chickens. This CO was patting down many inmates as we are not allowed to take any food out of the dining hall. Some inmates take their chicken back to the dorm and sell it for soups. Others take the chicken back and prepare a chicken stew. Last night the “Chicken Nazi” put a damper on this for many inmates.

Dinner was completed, and it was back to the dorm. The last week has proved to be a no-go for evening yard, but due to the earlier-than-usual dinnertime, I had hopes of getting out for the evening yard. I didn’t have to wait very long (about an hour) before an abbreviated session of the evening yard was opened. I very happily went outside into the beautiful evening. I met up with my friend, and we talked while waiting for the telephone signups to start. Since we were unable to sign up for a telephone call earlier in the morning, we thought we would try at night. I was fortunate enough to obtain a time for Tuesday night in the off chance I am actually transferred to fire camp this week. I have sort of lost confidence in being transferred, so if I do get transferred this week, it will be a surprise. I will know tomorrow (Tuesday), and by the time I can make my telephone call, I can inform my wife if I will be here yet another week or be at fire camp on Wednesday. Even with my friend’s alternate plan, my optimism is guarded. I know I will be transferred to fire camp, but I have no idea when. Obviously, the sooner the better, but sooner is starting to fade away. My friend wasn’t as fortunate as he was unable to get a telephone signup time, but this didn’t matter as my friend always seems to find a way to make telephone calls.

The rest of the evening I hung out with my friend and another inmate. I really didn’t get a chance to speak with my friend because the inmate monopolized the conversation. It didn’t matter what the conversation was as he always brought it back to himself. Even my friend noticed it and made a joke about it, but it didn’t matter as the other inmate monopolized the conversation. This other inmate is also waiting to go to fire camp, and he finished his training requirements 2 weeks after I finished mine. Last night, all he kept talking about was fire camp and how it would be great if we were transferred this week. At one point, I had to say I didn’t really want to talk about fire camp anymore, but this didn’t stop him. I was being selfish, but I prefer it when it is just my friend and me. My friend knows my anxiety level as his has surpassed mine, and he, too, is concentrating on getting to fire camp. We finally got off the subject of fire camp. We started to talk about the “resolution” of the California prison overcrowding crisis. The “resolution” was the new law passed by the California State Legislature 1-1/2 weeks ago. Supposedly in this law, certain sentences have been reduced. I say supposedly because I don’t know if it is a fact or just a rumor. For example, my sentence of 4 years where I have to serve 50% will be reduced to 33%. I don’t know the details (if there are any), but if this were done retroactively to the beginning of my sentence, I would be getting out in November of this year, which is only 6 months away. As I mentioned, I have no idea if this is just a myth. I will be so happy when June 4th comes and goes, because this is the date the federal judge is supposed to rule on the new law. Hopefully, it will put an end to all the rumors, and I can get on with my sentence. Until that time, I am sure there will be plenty of rumors which will provide distractions.

Anyhow, the abbreviated evening yard ended, and I had to go back inside my dorm. I certainly did not want to because it was so nice outside. I was willing to sleep outside last night, but this was certainly not an option. I went back inside and discovered there is a “cookie thief” inside the dorm. Allegedly, one of my dorms mates had 2 boxes of cookies stolen out of his locker during the previous night. This is the first time I had heard of someone’s locker being pilfered. Yes, I am surrounded by criminals (including me), but there has been honor among thieves because prison justice is much harsher than regular criminal justice. Stealing from another inmate is not tolerated, and the consequences are harsh. Now the dorm mate who reported the theft is a nice enough person, but he is the one who gave out all of the misinformation regarding the prison over-crowding , and he also has a tendency to not speak the truth. I’m not exactly sold on the fact someone stole his cookies, but the accusation was quite shocking. No one admitted to the theft nor has anyone been caught. I have been very fortunate because my locker has never been touched, and it is full of food. Of course, my locker is not full of the normal inmate’s food, and I doubt very much someone would want my South Beach diet cereal bars or granola. I do have some soups, and if someone did take a few, I wouldn’t really know. I’m not going to alter anything based on these accusations, and to me, it is business as usual.

I spent the remaining time listening to the radio and went to sleep at my usual time. My sleep was the same as the night before, which meant I only got up once during the right. I did have a very strange dream that I actually remember. I was at a GA meeting, and it was my first meeting after my release. The strange parts were I did not recognize the room where the meeting took place, and although the names of the members were that of my dear friends, their faces were of completely different people. The fact that they were different peopled didn’t seem to matter because they instantly recognized me, and I seemingly instantly recognized them. The meeting was excellent, and I woke up with a smile on my face. I managed to fall back asleep as I woke at 3 a.m. refreshed (second night in a row this has happened). I slept until my usual time, and this being Monday meant it was the beginning of my work week. I prefer the earlier time as it gets the day started sooner. This does cut into my watching the Today Show, but that is okay with me.

The breakfast release came after my morning routine of stretching and watching the news. I went to the dining hall for breakfast, and the breakfast was the very filling pancakes and oatmeal. I received my vegetarian tray (sans sausage) which had an extra pancake and extra portion of oatmeal with the 2 packets of peanut butter. It appears the kitchen workers want to fatten me up. I did manage to eat everything on my tray, and I know I am eating more now than when I was on the outside. My diet was one of the biggest concerns I had when I entered prison almost 10 months ago, but it has worked out very well, and I am certainly maintaining my weight. There weren’t any bananas on the tray this morning; just an apple, which is not worth taking out with the “Fruit Nazi” on duty, so I walked out of the dining hall without any fruit. I continued walking back to my dorm, and since it was still very early, I was able to watch 30 minutes of the Today Show before my dorm mates changed the channel to Saved By The Bell.

Things were getting closer to normal this morning, and I went outside for the work call. As I went outside, I asked the very nice CO (he only works my dorm on Monday as he is a relief CO) to see if he could call over to the fire camp office like he did last week so I could ascertain my number on the infamous list. I was curious to see if I moved up or down from my position of 30th last week. In fact, when I asked the CO if he could do this, I said, “I would like to see if I went from the 30th to 50th position,” and he laughed because he couldn’t figure out how the “list” works. It seems one week an inmate could be 10th out, and the next week they could be 20th, which makes no sense. The very nice CO took my ID, and I knew he would call. I then went over to the basketball court for the PFT Plus class. I am still in between the PFT classes as the next class starts tomorrow. There is a definite cycle and rhythm to my routine which helps to make the days go by faster. This morning the yard opened much earlier than it has in awhile, and inmates showed up for the PFT Plus class. Instead of doing an easy Monday PFT Plus class, we (the instructors) decided to do the Friday very difficult PFT Plus class. I was so happy to do this session because it provides a great workout. Even after almost 6 months of doing this, the class is very challenging. It was specifically challenging for one of the other instructors as he turned 3 shades of green when we finished the class. He has been slacking over the past few weeks but decided to do the class this morning. All his slacking caught up with him as he finished the exercises. He had to walk away and compose himself for a few minutes. I seem to be getting stronger, and thankfully, I didn’t have any stomach issues this morning.

As the class ended, there was still some time left in the morning yard, so I decided to do the Harvard Wall until the yard closed. I was able to get in 45 minutes on the Harvard Wall, and with the temperature rising, I got a very good workout. The morning yard did close early to accommodate the locked-down inmates so they could have an hour’s worth of yard during the lunch period. I went inside the dorm where I washed my sweaty shirt and changed into a cooler one. I also had ½ of a power bar to hold me over until later as I had more working out to do in the afternoon. The rest of the lunch period I just relaxed, and thankfully, it wasn’t as extended as it has been over the past week. It appears things are getting back to normal, albeit slowly.

The Script Continues

Yesterday afternoon, the yard opened on time which was good for me because my “script” depended on it. Since I had a 2:00 pm telephone call scheduled, I wanted to get in 70 minutes on the Harvard Wall. This would give me three hours worth of exercising for the day. Yes, this was part of my script and it may sound strange, but these are the things that get me through the day.

I headed over to the telephones for the 2:00 o’clock phone call to my mom. This is better than the 2:45 telephone call where people wait and it’s hard to get in the full 15 minutes. I certainly got the full amount of time talking with my mom and the time continued to blaze on by! We covered a variety of topics at a rapid pace. I look forward to the time where I can leisurely talk with her because these phone calls are at breakneck speeds and I have a hard time recalling what was said. My mom is sharing my anxiety about my ever elusive transfer to fire camp, but I assured her I was okay and I know the transfer would arrive soon. I’m not sure when soon is but eventually I will make it to fire camp this year (I hope??). The conversation was over as soon as it started and I sure wanted to talk more but my time was up. I felt very good after the telephone call.

I met up with my friend who was waiting for me after the phone call. I haven’t spoken to him since yesterday and I was interested in picking up our conversation regarding the alternate plan of getting to fire camp. He wasted no time and started talking about it as soon as we got together. He really wants to get there and even though he is only in his second week of waiting (I am going into the 9th week) he wants out of here. He made me an offer which was very hard to refuse. In fact, I couldn’t refuse it for several reasons – one, was I want to be at the same fire camp with my friend and – two – I really want to get there as soon as possible. We reached an agreement and will know more on Monday. Yes, the transfer is out of my hands but my friend is working all the angles. I trust my friend and I believe he will make things happen fast. As I mentioned I will know more on Monday and there is a possibility this plan won’t work, but it is worth a try.

As I was eating lunch, my dorm mates were watching the Kentucky Derby. My curiosity got the best of me and I did watch the race. I am really not a very smart man (hence I am writing this from prison!) but I know a little about a lot of subjects. I’m not sure where this has come from, but I have always been a worth of “useless knowledge”. As my dorm mates were talking, they were asking me questions and I was able to answer. Yes, these questions had to do with horse racing but like it or not this “useless information” is stored in my brain. When the race was over, I returned to my bunk and continued “my script”.

I almost forgot to mention this quick little story. While I was doing the Harvard Wall exercise, an inmate came up to me to ask a very sensitive question. This is the same one who I snapped at the other day when he asked me to do something. I have known this inmate for the past six months so we are friends. He asked me if he was getting fat. This is a tough question to answer under any circumstances so I took a few seconds before I answered. In my quest to give honest answers, I answered him truthfully with, “Yes, you are.” I was more tactful as I further said, “Since you asked and I do want to be truthful with you then yes, you are getting fat.” He seemed to be a bit surprised by my answer but took it very well. By the way, he is getting fat and has been getting fat ever since he completed the PFT training. He was “gung-go” to finish the class and he was working out. But that was several months ago. He hasn’t done any exercise since and it shows. I encouraged him to start exercising again because it would make him feel better both mentally and physically. I hope he does this because he is a young man – 38 years old and he can change his life with exercising.

The broken record of my night’s sleep continues, but it was a better one as I only got up once during the night. I woke up at a little past 2:30 am wide awake. I was hoping to wake at 2:03:04 am so I could experience the numerologist’s dream of 2:03:04 on 5-05-07. This sequence will sort of occur next year at 3:04:05 am on 6-07-08 and I will be a free man when this occurs!

It was a picture perfect Sunday morning and as I was watching one of my dorm mates, I noticed the CO’s were going dorm to dorm looking for “pruno.” This usually happens on Saturdays, not Sundays. Since I didn’t want to lose my two bananas, I made sure they were well hidden in my locker. Thank goodness, they were not discovered!

After the morning unlock, I went out and got in 11 miles of running. I couldn’t do anymore since my stomach was cramping up. I had company for the last 3 miles as a fellow inmate wanted to run with me. There is more to this story, but I will save it for another time. As he ran with me, it was a bit strange, but I tried to focus on something other than my stomach cramps which is why I only made 11 miles. I had enough and called it a day even though I had about 40 minutes remaining of the morning yard. Even my well intentioned “script” does go astray every now and then.

Running Through the Raindrops

I was hoping the rain would stop so I didn’t have to be inside the dorm all day. I was able to pass the morning with writing. I waited for the CO to provide the work call unlock and had to wait almost 45 minutes. He finally arrived and I went outside where I instantly started running through the raindrops. My goal was to run 10 miles and to get back inside the dorm for the 2:45 pm unlock. My timing could not have been better because as I completed the additional mile, the CO was arriving at my dorm and the alarm was going off. I was able to get inside before having to get down on the wet ground. I am so happy I got outside because my mind needed the run. When I do any type of exercise, it has certainly become therapeutic. To say this has kept me sane over the past few months would be an understatement.

I received two pieces of mail – one from my younger sister and one from my mother. The letter from my sister was wonderful and she informed me she will be sending the book THE SECRET to me when I get to fire camp. I can’t wait to read the book and I am very excited. She also included a photo of her beautiful family.

My mom had sent me blank envelopes in her letter but some of these envelopes were not passed on to me. These were peel and seal, which as of March 5th, are no longer allowed. Obviously my mother didn’t know this nor did I because a memo dated the 5th of March was circulated to everyone EXCEPT the inmates disallowing these types of envelopes. Now they have to be sent back to my mother at my expense. This sort of bothered me because I was not notified that peel and seal envelopes are no longer allowed. I wrote a letter to the mailroom regarding this, but I doubt it will do much good and I will have to pay for the return postage. The cost is not the issue but the lack of communications is certainly the issue. The memo disallowing these was forwarded to me yesterday and it seems all departments again EXCEPT for the inmates were copied on the memo. It really isn’t difficult to circulate the memo to the individuals who needed this the most, but unfortunately that is not how things operate around here.

Since there was little to do at night and all my writing was complete, I listened to the news report about how Paris Hilton is facing 45 days in jail for violating the terms of her probation. Apparently, Miss Hilton blamed her publicist for her troubles behind the wheel (so much for personal responsibility) and wept openly as the Judge handed down the sentence. Since her violation occurred in Los Angeles County, the likelihood of her spending the whole 45 days in jail is very slim. The overcrowding in the Los Angeles County Jail is one of the worst in the state of California. Typically inmates only serve 10% of their total sentence so Miss Hilton is looking at 4 to 5 days. I recognized the need for jail/prison sentences but somewhere Judges have to come out with means of alternate sentencing. Community service would be a good alternative and I realize people like Paris Hilton have a way of getting out of these things, but it has to be mandatory and be enforced. Is Miss Hilton going to learn her lesson with the current sentence? Maybe, but if examples need to be made - at least give back to the community. Okay enough of my soap box!

Also, today is the day of the Kentucky Derby and the Queen of England will be attending for the first time ever. When I was a kid, I loved watching and I remember being very upset when I was told I had to go to church during the race. Even as a kid my priorities were all screwed up! Now thankfully through recovery I have no idea what horses are running nor will I watch it. My life does not revolve around a horse race, but it took me a long time to realize this. Thankfully, I have, and my life is so much better and my priorities are starting to get in order.

I did my pushup routine by myself because the dorm mate I worked out with last week wasn’t interested in joining me today. In fact, I haven’t seen him do any activities since that time. This brings me to a brief discussion about this inmate. I reported earlier this particular person gave me a bad “vibe” when he first moved in and this bad “vibe” is still there. I have done my best to befriend him but there is something which I can’t put my finger on that gives me this feeling. I have lent him some of my books and he is the only person who has ever asked me questions about the book he is reading. Currently, he is reading the 6th installment of Harry Potter and he has asked me so many questions, it is sort of driving me crazy! Also, he seems to stare at me (still) during the day – it is just plain weird. I thought befriending him would make things better, but it hasn’t. Anyhow, I try to maintain my composure when he asks these questions and I have even lent him a soup. However, I will not go out my way to talk with him. I think my best option is to be cordial – but nothing further.

Social Butterflies

On my way over to the telephone sign-up, I met up with an inmate who I have come to know over these past six months. The other day he asked me to do something for him and initially I had said no. However, I ended up doing what he requested because I felt badly for saying no. This inmate is a bit high maintenance and has asked me to do things for him from time to time. I have always acquiesced and helped him out. He caught me at a bad moment the other day when I had just learned I was not going to be transferred to fire camp this week. I did come to my senses and was able to help him out. Anyhow, he asked me yesterday why I initially turned him down on his request. I explained and apologized. There was more to my explanation but I kept those feelings to myself. I did want to tell him that the only time he talks to me is when he wants something or has to vent his frustrations but I didn’t. What I have noticed is many inmates, with the exception of my friend, are only concerned with themselves. I guess this is a product of their environment but some days it does get to me. I have become a “go to” person with a few inmates who are always unloading their problems or asking questions. I don’t mind this to a point but too much of this does wear on me. I am human and I do try to not let these things bother me but it does happen - thankfully, not that often.

After completing my workout, I made my way over to the telephones to call my wife. As she was explaining to me her very strange car registration story, our 15 minutes had ended. She got most of the way through this story, but from what she was telling me, it sounded very odd. Apparently, since my wife’s car is leased, the leasing company needed additional taxes because the car was being transferred to NJ from CA. I had never heard of this nor did my wife. The leasing company wants a fairly large sum of money so my wife is having someone check on this strange request. She has been dealing with this for a few months now and is no closer to a resolution. Life certainly goes on out in the free world especially for my wife as she juggles - taking care of the children, the mess I created, and finances or lack of. She is doing an amazing job and my love for her grows everyday and I look forward to the day when we can tackle these challenges together.

My wife is going to call the Captain again to see what my status is regarding fire camp. I doubt he will tell her anything different then he has told her in their 2 previous conversations. The conversation should go something like this, “Yes, Paul is ready to go and his file is in the drawer.” My hope is that the file will make its way out of the drawer and onto someone’s desk so I can be transferred. I have asked a great deal of my wife regarding my entire ordeal but especially in these last two months as I wait for the transfer. She has been wonderful and has gone above and beyond the call of duty. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

After showering, I returned to my bunk so I could read the letters I had just received. The letter from my dear friend was wonderful. The letters from my mother were equally as wonderful especially since she sent me pictures of my children. A few weeks ago both of them were in a parade for the opening of the softball and T-ball seasons. My daughter looked so adorable in her softball uniform as did my son in his uniform. My son’s T-ball uniform looked great because he is on the Cardinals and his jersey looked just like the Major League Cardinals.

My mom wrote in one of her letters that my children are “social butterflies”. I was very impressed with this story of how both my daughter and son visited my mother’s classroom. My children are not shy and were able to interact quite well with my mother’s students who are much older than my son and daughter. They had a great time and I am so happy my children have adjusted to their new situation. It is amazing because even though I will be separated from my children for over 1 ½ years they continue to grow physically and emotionally. Things are truly working out for the best and my children continue to be surrounded by love. I have so many things to be grateful for and I am a blessed person. To think my children have developed into “social butterflies” is absolutely incredible! Everything happens for a reason and these reasons are always positive! I felt great after reading these letters and looking at the pictures.

More Bananas

I returned to the dorm much earlier than usual yesterday afternoon due to the inclement weather. Of course I did my laundry in the afternoon and I really need a new pair of workout underwear since I am now down to one pair. I started out with six pairs but the laundry lost four of these and I wore the other out. I have state issued boxers but I much prefer my own underwear to workout in but this lone pair has seen better days. I do wash it everyday which I’m sure adds to the wear and tear. Anyhow, I completed the laundry and waited for “mail call”. However, I only received an internal piece of mail also known as junk mail.

I fell asleep at my usual time and had my usual sleep. I did have a few dreams and when I woke up the first time I remembered this first dream but now (due to old age) I can’t remember it. I was able to fall back asleep and have another dream which had to do with college. I was at the University of Florida (not one of the many colleges I have attended) and weird things were happening. One of those things was that everyone had a set of golf clubs including me. However, no one was playing golf; they were just carrying the golf bags around anywhere they went. There was more but this is the main thing I remembered. Can’t figure this one out. Any guesses?

It was again a late breakfast and the breakfast did have a banana on the tray for the second straight day. Since I took two yesterday, I didn’t want to be greedy this morning. I ate one of the two bananas and thought that taking two out of the dining hall this morning was too much so I decided to take only one. Yes, the Fruit Nazi was once again on duty and it was a good thing I only took one banana instead of two. I placed it in my waistband, but as I approached the Fruit Nazi, the banana fell out of my waistband and ended up at the bottom of my sweatpants near my foot! Thankfully, the sweatpants have elastic at the bottom so the banana did not fall to the floor; it stayed inside my leg. All of this was fortunate since the Fruit Nazi patted me down near my waistband as I exited the dining hall. He hardly ever pats me down and usually lets me go by untouched. However, he does have a sense for stolen fruit and I guess he sensed it on me this morning. Since the banana was near my foot when he patted me down, he let me go outside without discovering the banana. This was a close call but now I have three bananas safely hidden inside my locker. My lunches are set for the weekend and I might even try a peanut butter, jelly, and banana sandwich in the next few days. Wow! The highlight of my day is stealing a banana! But is this really stealing since I am entitled to the banana with my breakfast? I guess it’s a matter of semantics. Oh, my!

When I first got back to the dorm after morning yard, my dorm mates were watching the news at 11:00 am which is very unusual for then. They were watching something on the overcrowding problem in the prisons. Governor Schwarzeneger was signing the bill which is supposed to relieve the overcrowding in California prisons. It is now official as the state is adding 18,000 new beds (mostly bunks) throughout various prisons. This will cost seven billion dollars to implement and is a done deal. This report didn’t mention anything regarding the Federal Judge’s approval of this plan. Come to think of it no report I have seen had mentioned this. I am guessing but I think this new law supersedes the Federal Judge and the prospect of anyone being released early has been negated. Ever since I came to prison almost 10 months ago, the rumors about early release have swirled and now they have come to a standstill since this bill has been approved. Even I had faint hope of being released earlier than February of next year; now I am focusing on getting to fire camp and getting back to my family. Supposedly there are court dates this month and next month regarding the overcrowding but now it appears anticlimactic. It should be business as usual for every inmate and I for one look forward to my release date sometime in February or March of next year.

Start Up the Cycle

Before I went inside yesterday for the 2:45 pm unlock, I sat and talked with my friend regarding the fact that we will both be here at least another week. I said to him, “ This is a very difficult place to stay positive in.” My friend agreed with me but I was not going to let myself fall into a negative frame of mind. I was venting about having to stay here another week and letting my frustration show. I was very focused on getting the notification that I would be transferred today, but unfortunately this did not happen so I have to start up the cycle once again gearing for next Tuesday.

First and foremost, I am a human being, not a robot so I do have human feeling and emotions. I would love to say, “Oh well, I am not going to fire camp this week, maybe it will happen next week,” and then go about my business. I can’t do this because I have those emotions which emit disappointment and frustration. The way in which I process these emotions do define me as a person. Do I wallow in self-pity and say, “Woe is me”? Of course not. Do I lament for a few minutes, feel sorry for myself, and then move on? Yes, I do. I have a process and over the past few weeks, I continued to perfect the process. Clearly there is not a whole lot I could do as the decision to transfer me to fire camp is in the hands of someone else. I can feel badly but not for very long. I have a life to live and I choose to live this life in a positive manner. I am not capable (yet) of staying positive 100% of the time, but as long as I am positive over 80% of the time, I am on the right road. There are so many inmates inside here who are negative all of the time for various reasons and it is very sad. No one should be this way all of the time because this is no way to go through life. I enjoy being positive most of the time and I will continue focusing on all of the positives in my life such as my dear family. I will be okay and get through this process a much better person.

I was glad to get my feelings out talking to my friend as it did make me feel better. I’m not sure if my friend’s plan will speed up our departure, but it is worth a try. I did find out about one inmate who is the same race as me who received a transpack ducat yesterday even though he completed his training requirements 1 ½ weeks ago. I cannot dwell on this because no matter how unfair it seems this is how the system operates. As I mentioned previously, my Bunkie has been waiting 15 weeks for his transfer and God love him because he keeps saying “next week” every week when he learns he has to stay here at least one more week. I do enjoy his enthusiasm and one week he will be correct and finally move on to fire camp.

After dinner I had some letters to write which really helped me to process the feeling I had by not being transferred this week. Ultimately, it is me who chooses between right and wrong. I chose “wrong” which got me into this mess and now through recovery, I am choosing “right”. Speaking of recovery, my friend was able to get me on the list for the Tuesday evening meeting for “Celebrate Recovery.” My first meeting should be next week as it was too late for me to go last night. I am looking forward to this for the simple fact it is a recovery meeting and I am compulsive gambler who is in recovery. My friend attended last night’s meeting and he did tell me it was very good. It was different from the previous week because there wasn’t a band; however, it sounded to me that last night’s meeting had more substance. Hopefully, I will be able to attend.

Last night I was able to sleep all night through. Once every few weeks this happens. I don’t do anything differently and I certainly did enjoy not waking up several times at night. The breakfast unlock arrived later than usual and I headed toward the dining hall for the oatmeal pancake breakfast. This is my favorite meal and I certainly filled up this morning. There was a banana on my tray and my dorm mate also gave me his. I have become bold with the “banana caper” this morning. Normally, my dorm mate would provide a distraction to the “Fruit Nazi” so I can walk out of the dining hall with the banana safely underneath my sweatshirt. However, this morning the Fruit Nazi had company as he was flanked by a sergeant so my dorm mate didn’t want to create a diversion. I was feeling bold and tucked the bananas under my sweatshirt and walked out of the dining hall confidently passed the Fruit Nazi and sergeant. Neither one bothered to check me as I wished both of then “Good Day” on my way out. I’m not sure why I felt so bold this morning but I did and now I have 2 bananas safely hidden in my locker.

Tuesday Already?

The incident on Friday night continued to wreak havoc yesterday afternoon. The yard opened much later than it normally does which meant I stayed in the dorm. The mail call arrived and I received three pieces of mail – one of which was the “Life Line” Bulletin which is distributed by GA. I have been fortunate enough to have been put on the mailing list by my dear GA friends. It keeps me in touch with the fellowship and I look forward to reading the letters that are filled with experience, strength, and hope. These bring so much inspiration and it reaffirms my commitment to GA. I look forward to the day when I can go to a live meeting.

When I was able to go out to evening yard, I talked with my friend about the possible transfer to fire camp. I told my friend I had the relief CO call over to the fire camp assignments office to see where I stood in terms of a transfer. The CO told me I was number 30 on the list! He went on to tell me he called last week for another inmate who was number 15 and when he called again this week, the same inmate was number 20. He didn’t understand this nor did I. The list is so shrouded in mystery because no one ever sees it. I have no idea why I am even on the list since I have supposedly been earmarked for a fire camp through the old coach and the Captain. There appears to be some ambiguity going on involving this list as evidenced by the six people who have already been transferred to fire camp but had finished their training requirements after me. My friend devised an alternative plan in case we don’t get transferred this week. If the need arises, I will outline the plan at a later date.

All week, my Bunkie who has been waiting 15 weeks since he finished his training kept saying, “Tuesday is the day we both transfer to Fire Camp.” I’m trying to remain as positive as possible but hearing I am 30 on the list and possibly looking at another month did not bode well for me. However, I was certain my Bunkie would be transferred if I did not. I am doing my best to stay positive and utilize “The Secret” but there are circumstances beyond my control and others who make the decision to be transferred. I’ve done everything I could to warrant a transfer and I am disappointed and frustrated but it is not the end of the world and my life will go on. As the Serenity Prayer states – “Accept the things I cannot change…” and I do accept it and know there is a reason why I am still here although right now this reason eludes me. One day at a time~