Regular Visit Part 3

I was so exhausted; I fell asleep at 9:30 pm and had a very goodnight’s sleep. I had all the positive energy inside of me from the family visit. It wasn’t very good to be back in my dorm bed but this is part of the process. I have a little more than 7 months remaining and it is up to me to make the best of it. I am most certainly on the downhill side of my sentence and it will be sooner than later when I share a bed with my wife.

I completed my run with my endorphins working at full speed with plenty of time to shave and shower before breakfast and the visit of my family. I was still regretting the fact that I didn’t take the Edge shaving cream and dental floss back with me. One of the ingredients in Edge is alcohol which is prohibited and cannot be purchased from the approved catalogues. After speaking with a few inmates and realizing my things were not thoroughly inspected upon my re-entry to the camp, I could have taken these items back.

Breakfast was delayed because the kitchen ran out of milk and the CO had to go to the local store to purchase it. Since the camp is located in a rather remote area, the roundtrip took 40 minutes. Fortunately, the CO’s on duty today were able to open the visiting area with only a 10 minute delay.

I saw my wife and children walk-in to the visiting area with the first wave of visitors. Unfortunately, the call to me was delayed by about 10 minutes as the CO’s were busy with other matters. The announcement finally came and I made my way down to the visiting area. Unlike last week when my children came running over to me, they stayed by the table waving. I could see the long week of visiting wearing on all of them. They were quite naturally tired but still had smiles on their faces and it was wonderful once again to see them!

I’m not sure how it happens, but the visiting time with my family does seem to pass in a blink of an eye. I was afraid to look at my watch for fear of seeing the time pass too quickly. Today was another glorious day with them and we played games together, ate (although my daughter seems to eat every other day and today was one of those days she doesn’t eat at all) laughed, talked, but most importantly we enjoyed each other tremendously. I can’t say enough good things about my family and mere words don’t do justice for my wife. She was tired and a bit burnt out, but outwardly she was so happy. I knew this entire ordeal from the very beginning almost 2 ½ years ago has taken its toll on her yet her love continues to grow as does mine for her. I continue to learn valuable lessons each and everyday about myself and continue to learn I have the perfect family. I needed these visits so much and they will carry me forward through the remainder of my sentence in a very positive way.

The day did go by very quickly and before I knew it we were saying our farewells. They will return tomorrow with our dear friends which will be wonderful. It will be very sad to see them go. My daughter didn’t want to let go and my son wanted to stay with me. Hopefully, when my wife returns to New Jersey she will have a new job and my children will be off to Jamaica with the rest of the family the first week of August. After that there is one month remaining until school begins and once again the cycle of Brownies, soccer, softball, t-ball and other assorted activities commence. As it stands now, I must remain in California for 13 months after my release while I am on parole. This does not mean I cannot visit my family in NJ especially since my daughter will be making he First Holy Communion in May and I will do everything in my power to attend. My children will finish the school year in NJ while I get myself re-established. Once again, I do know everything will work out the way it should and we will be a family very soon.

My family walked off to the car and I walked back to my dorm. Each one of them kept waving and blowing kisses towards me. My son ever being the character that he is kept calling “Bye-Daddy” as I walked back into camp. I am beyond fortunate to have such an incredible family and I had a smile on my face the remainder of the day. These visits have been phenomenal and I spent at least 30 minutes lying on my bunk recollecting today’s visit and looking ahead to tomorrow. I am truly a blessed person!

Family Visit (con't)

I made the last 2 check in calls without the alarm clock because I didn’t get much sleep. All I could think about was how wonderful my family is and how blessed I am. This morning my son climbed into bed with my wife and me. This was just like old times as my son used to make it a habit of coming into our room as soon as the sun came up and he would lay there with us. He is so lovable and I can’t help but to smile when I look at him. My daughter was feeling better this morning and she was happy when I told her she could watch television.

There wasn’t much time this morning as the family visit ended at 10:00 am. The other half of our dear friends was coming to pick up my wife and children at this time. The 68 hours had come to an end in a seemingly blink of an eye. These were the best days I have had in over one year and I am forever grateful to everyone who made it happen.

I wanted to make sure I had my fill of hugs and kisses before 10:00 am. Every chance I got, I hugged my daughter and son. As I write this some 6 hours later, I already miss them, but their presence is forever etched into my memory. I do have a regular visit with them tomorrow and Sunday and I will cherish those 2 days because that will be it until March of next year. Our time came to a close as our dear friend arrived. Just like that it was over and off went my family to our dear friend’s house. It was back to reality (which really isn’t so bad) and I look forward to a swift 7 months.

The check back in procedure was a little different from the check out procedure. I was so concerned with bringing certain items back such as my good running shoes, shaving cream, and shorts that I left them with my wife. As it turns out, I could have brought these items back because the CO on duty seemed uninterested in looking at my dirty laundry. As a requirement at the completion of the family visit, a strip search is administered. This was very mild as compared to others over the past year and I certainly was not trying to conceal anything. Another test at the completion of any family visit is a urine test for drugs and alcohol. I had no issue with adhering to this test but for some reason I could not “Go” on demand which is quite unusual for me and very difficult with a big burly CO looking down at me. After a few minutes, I was told to drink some water and come back later. I drank a lot of water and came back later but at this point there was some question with the vials and I would be called back at a later point. This is all part of my reality and part of the environment. Procedures and protocol must be adhered to and I will do what I am told to do.

As I walked back to my room, I glanced over my shoulder at the cottage which is very visible from the office and smiled. I will always look at it with a smile and a new found fondness. Also, as I made my way back a few inmates stopped to ask how the visit went. I replied, “WONDERFUL!” I thought about my daughter who didn’t want to leave and I certainly didn’t want them to either, but this marks another milestone down as I approach the end of the journey.

I returned to my room to discover my crew mates were still out at a fire. Apparently, they were on their way back to camp yesterday but got diverted to Santa Barbara. I wouldn’t mind joining them on Sunday after my last visit with my family because being away from camp certainly passes the time quickly and I am all for that!

Family Visit (con't)

I do need to have my head examined because even though I fell asleep and didn’t hear my wife come to bed, I managed to get up for the 1:30 am and the 5:30 am check ins without the aid of an alarm. In the morning my wife informed me of her displeasure about me falling asleep last night. I had no defense and said I was sorry. This cannot undo any hurt I put on my wife and hopefully we talked through a few things. We were on better terms when we heard my daughter make her way to the bathroom where she promptly threw up. Maybe there is something in the water? It is always news when my daughter throws up because it rarely happens. I can count the number of times she has thrown up on one hand whereas my son throws up all the time. The interesting part (sorry about this as I go forward) was my daughter threw up the carrot she ate the night before. This is quite fascinating because my daughter ate a brownie after eating the carrot but the brownie never came up. The brain is very powerful. Unlike my son who bounces back very quickly, my daughter was couch bound for the day. She had trouble keeping anything down including water.

My wife and I kept a watchful eye on her and as the day went on she got better. However, she is so hard on herself and was lamenting the fact that she was sick. She didn’t want to be sick and wanted to spend this last full day with me. She is most certainly my daughter because when I was her age, I developed an ulcer from worrying. My daughter doesn’t have an ulcer – thankfully – but she puts so much pressure on herself. I’m not sure when (possibly only a few years ago) I stopped beating myself up over just about everything so I know how hard this can be. I did my best to reassure my daughter that everything will be okay. Hopefully, she believed me because I hate to see her this way.

With my daughter unwilling to go outside, my son tells me he is going to find the baseball I couldn’t find yesterday. We both went outside and within minutes, sure enough he found it! He is amazing when finding something. He said, “See, I told you I would find it.” We proceeded to play catch and then went to the small basketball hoop in the yard. We played a little game of one on one and my son beat me! He loves sports and it shows. We spent quality time together and unfortunately my daughter spent most of the day on the couch.

My wife made vegetarian chili for dinner which I tremendously enjoy. However, I seem to pay the price afterwards. This was the case tonight as my stomach is not used to the good food prepared by my wife. I seemed to suffer from the same thing my son and daughter had. My stomach was in knots all night.

It was time for my children to go to sleep. My daughter was reading her book and like the past 3 nights, I read to my son before he went to sleep. This has been our ritual since my daughter was born. These are the moments I took for granted but now I cherish. I certainly soaked in every moment over these past 3 days and it is so hard to believe this is our last night together. I had an incredible time in spite of the stomach ailments. The family visiting area is only 50 yards away from the camp but these past 3 days felt like I was 5000 miles away from my current status. I was no longer “XYZ”, I was husband and Dad. I cherish these roles and I am so happy to have been given this time with my family.

Tonight I didn’t fall asleep and did wait for my wife. It was our last night together for at least the next 7 plus months and we did make the most of it. I didn’t sleep much mostly due to my stomach, but I kept hoping the digital clock would stop, but it didn’t and time marched on.

Family Visit (con't)

Can time just slow down or stop because that first day flew by? I made my two check-ins during the night and I only needed the alarm on one of them. I was awake but was late getting to the alarm. I was able to watch my wife sleep which was wonderful and I also stole a peek of my children sleeping. This is such a serene sight and it will be forever etched in my mind.

There was no need to rush and get up since we weren’t going anywhere (literally). Everyone awoke at their leisure but the early morning was not without a concern. My son woke up and proceeded to throw up. Thankfully, he made it to the bathroom and this isn’t anything new with him. He seems to have these occasions where he throws up and 2 minutes later he is fine. This was exactly the case this morning as he is so resilient. My wife and I were concerned because we didn’t have any medication and if things got worst, who knows what would have happened. Fortunately he was okay.

Time was marching by and all I cared about was togetherness. I do love being a Dad and love being with my children. We played an assortment of board games and went outside for a game of catch and running bases. Today we took precautions and applied “OFF” before going outside. The bugs were non-existent and I enjoyed the outdoor games. During a game of catch, my son threw the baseball well over my head and it went sailing into the brush. I had to come inside and put on long pants to look for the ball. I searched all over for it but to no avail. My son is so sweet and he said, “That’s okay, you tried your best.” This cut our game short, but did not deter my son’s spirit. While inside we played catch with a ping pong ball which satisfied him very much.

The time was spent much as it was yesterday. I was content just sitting with my children as they watched television. I had my arms around both of them. I have missed the kisses and embraces. My son has always been more affectionate than my daughter and nothing has changed. He still gives kisses and I gladly accepted each one. My daughter is more stoic, but she loves to be tickled and this is what I did. She laughs beautifully and again the day was wonderful.

We sat down to another lovely dinner – soy meat tacos – and I talked to my daughter about nutrition. She has terrible eating habits because she gets much like I did when I was her age. In fact, she makes the same faces I make about certain foods. I was trying to tell her she needs to eat more and more fruit and vegetables and she won’t be as tired. She agreed to eat a carrot which turned out to be not so good. (More on this later) Her eating habits need to be addressed unlike my son who eats almost everything. My wife has done an incredible job with the kids but sometimes it is easier to just give in to her picky eating habits. Anyhow dinner was wonderful and we settled in for the night as we watched television. I haven’t watched much TV over the past year so I was more interested in watching my children watch TV. Both of my children seem to have a very good attention span even my son. We were watching some reality series (American Inventor) and my son was getting into it so much so he was asking some very good questions. My daughter did retire to her room to read her book. These are great children and I cannot wait to rejoin their lives on a full-time basis. I have some hurdles to overcome and I will!

The children went to sleep and for some reason I was exhausted. I turned in earlier than my wife and I didn’t hear her come to bed. This is where I messed up because I should have waited for her but instead fell asleep. Our time together is limited and here I am falling asleep. This upset my wife and rightfully so. I don’t know what was the matter with me and I had to apologize in the morning. This is where I need to be more attentive to her. I have to think about everyone not just my children. I do need to be a better husband and look forward to re-establishing myself when this journey is all sad and done. With me being asleep, my wife had a rather bad night’s sleep.

Family Visit

The regular visit with my family over the weekend was superb and today would kick off a period of 69 straight hours with no interruptions. I have been looking forward to this day for over one year. When I was in Jamestown, I actually had a family visit scheduled. The was meant only for my wife because I didn’t want to subject my children to the austerity of prison. In Jamestown, there are large block walls with razor wire and guards who carry guns. Circumstances did not work out for the family visit in Jamestown because I had to cancel. I never felt quite right about having a family visit up there and it was just as well I had cancelled. Now here at fire camp, the scenario is much different. Gone are the block walls which have been replaced with rolling hillsides and gone are the razor wires which have been replaced by openness. As far as serving time within the California department of Corrections, I reside at the best place with a very good family visit setting.

The visit started at 1:00 pm on Tuesday and concluded at 10:00 am on Friday. After the morning ritual, I went up to the office to see if I could get into the visiting cottage in order to clean it up before the arrival of my family. Once again I was extremely fortunate because the senior CO on duty was the nicest one on staff. She is exceedingly fair and did let me go up to the area to clan it up. Also, I could bring my belongings to the office so she could check them out. There was a musty smell in the cottage but was relatively clean. It was old and the features were dated. I straightened up a little then returned to camp to get my belongings. On my way back to my room, I met up with an extremely helpful inmate who knew I was going on a family visit. He gave me very many helpful hints and I listened intently. He told me to obtain bleach so I could wipe down the floors and he also told me to sterilize the silverware. I wiped down the entire cottage and put the silverware in a large pot of boiling water.

After I placed my belongings in the cottage, it was time to wait for the arrival of my family. My wife knew arrival time was between 1:00 pm and 4:00 pm. Very dear friends of ours were kind enough to give my family a ride. I thought my wife would arrive closer to 1:00 which is why when 1:00 pm came and went without any sign of my family I started to get concerned. I knew they were in good hands but I couldn’t help be concerned especially when 45 minutes went by without their arrival. Since I couldn’t call her, I had to remain patient and positive. As the hour approached 2:00 pm, I noticed our friend’s vehicle approach the camp; they had arrived! I was elated to see them and went to notify the CO of their arrival.

I went across the parking lot where I saw my family and dear friend. I greeted everyone with a big hug including our friend. I am surrounded by good people and this dear friend is certainly one of those people. We transferred the belongings from my friends’ vehicle to the CO’s vehicle. Even though the cottage is only 25 yards away, procedure is to have the vehicle take us to the cottage.

As we brought all the items into the cottage, I thought the CO was going to check all of my family’s belongings, but the only concern was with the suitcase. All of the grocery bags went untouched and my wife had to give her purse to our friend for safe keeping because money is not allowed on camp grounds. Also, my wife voluntarily gave up her cell phone because they are prohibited as well. As the CO was ready to give the okay for my family’s belongings, my daughter pulled out the digital camera and asked, “What about this?” Well, since they are not allowed, the CO had to take the camera. However, before she did, she permitted us to take photos in and around the family visiting center. She even snapped several pictures of all of us.

We were properly checked-in and the CO left us alone. Before leaving, I was instructed that I must check in 4 times a day at 1:30 am, 5:30 am, 4:30 pm, and 9:30 pm – meaning I had to stand by the front door until the CO acknowledges my presence through a wave or by blinking a flashlight. My very worried daughter would remind of the check-in several times a day.

After squaring away the suitcases, I changed from my “oranges” to shorts. Also, my wife brought my good running shoes and it was nice to wear these. After changing, I played around with my children – laughing and giggling. It was magnificent to be with them and it was great to realize these are the same children I left behind last year. The rest of the day was spent eating, laughing, watching television, and playing catch outside in the backyard which had a swing set and plenty of room to throw around a baseball and softball. When I departed last year, it was difficult to play a game of catch with my son because he hadn’t quite mastered the art of catching. Well, one year later, he has mastered this and has a very good arm. As far as my daughter, she is still a bit afraid of the softball because when she puts her glove up, she moves her entire body out of the way. She too has a very good arm and it was great to have a game of catch with my son and her. The mosquitoes were out in full force so my children wanted to go back inside.

The rest of the evening was wonderful and my wife put so much stress on herself to make everything perfect. It didn’t matter to me what kind of food we ate or what kind of toiletries she brought. What mattered to me was that we were spending time together as a family which has been remiss for one year plus. I love my wife dearly, but I have got to do a better job showing it. Sometimes I get so caught up in my children, I tend to neglect my wife which in not fair to her. I need to be more attentive to her needs and this is something I will work on. I want to get better sharing my feelings with her because she is my hero and my love for her is endless.

A Day to Myself

I guess I am getting used to the fact that there are seven unoccupied rooms in my dorm. I slept fairly well and got up at my usual time to start my Monday morning exercise routine. I was back in form as I ran for almost an hour and 40 minutes. I was feeling very good and realized today would be a day to myself as my crew is still gone, and I have no assignment. I finished the very good run and went into the shower along with my morning ritual. I went to breakfast for the hot cereal, biscuits, and potatoes. Everyone at the table made a comment about the dehydrated potatoes and these potatoes went uneaten on every tray.

With breakfast over and no assignment, there was no reason to boot up, but I did anyway out of habit. I checked in with the other in-campers, and I did have a day to myself as I anxiously await my family visit tomorrow. I went back to my room to do some writing, but I wanted more exercise. I decided to do 90 minutes on the Harvard Wall as a way to kill the morning. When I came back, the bathroom was closed for deep cleaning, which is always good, so I had to wait about two hours for my shower. I managed to pass the time having lunch. I made a peanut butter and honey sandwich for the first time in my life. I’m not sure I enjoyed it because I associate the taste of honey with being sick. I rarely use honey other than in my tea when I am sick so eating it when I am not sick is a bit strange. Also, it appears a bit too sweet for my taste, so I will stick to the regular PB&J sandwiches. I do need to find a home for the over-100 packets of honey that were given to me by the member of the “table” who paroled a few weeks ago. At least I tried something new.

Amazingly enough, the day passed soon enough as I looked ahead toward tomorrow. Check-in for the family visit is not until 1:00 p.m., so I still have the entire morning to get through before I see my family once again. Time seems to pass very quickly, and they will be here before I know it. Today was a day to myself, and I received a letter from my younger sister along with photographs of her beautiful children. My sister also sent me a book, “The Glass Castle” by Jeannette Walls. It sounds like a remarkable memoir of resilience and redemption. I am looking forward to reading it. Now, I wait patiently for tomorrow and spending 69 consecutively blissful hours with my family.

THE VISIT Part II

I had a very restful night’s sleep, and I stayed in bed longer than usual. Normally, Sundays are a day of rest for me, which means I take the day off from exercising; however, being away last week sort of messed up my exercise schedule. I was contemplating on doing the Harvard Wall this morning, but I just stayed in bed until 6:15 a.m. I figured I could always exercise in the afternoon after my visit. There was no need for me to rush this morning as I made the decision not to go to breakfast. My wife was bringing breakfast, so I could skip one day of the hot cereal. I took a leisurely shower and shaved. I did the wave off for breakfast and went back to my room. I didn’t do much other than dress and stare out the window. Now, I wanted time to hurry up so visiting would open and then stand still for awhile.

Unlike yesterday, the visiting officer was right on time as he arrived at 8:30 a.m. sharp to open the visiting area. Today, my wife was the second car to pull into the parking lot, and I watched her lug all of their stuff into the visiting area. Five minutes after their arrival, my name was announced. This gave me an extra 20 minutes to spend with my family, and every minute counts. Just like yesterday, I quickly walked to the visiting area. Today, I spotted my wife first and gave her a wave. I then saw my daughter who came running up to me once again. My son was noticeably missing as he was in the restroom, but when he was done, he came running over to give me a hug and a kiss.

We went over to the picnic table, and the first order of business was a family discussion minus my son. My wife said we needed to talk with my daughter. Last night when my wife got back to our friend’s house, it was a very emotional evening. My daughter, who is extremely sensitive, started to cry right before she went to sleep. My wife went to console her, and they had a nice talk. It turns out my daughter was very concerned with the “prisoner” writing on my clothes. My wife decided (rightfully so) to tell my daughter everything, which included my stealing to finance my compulsive gambling addiction. My daughter is very intelligent and asked a great question. “Did the money Daddy steal help pay for our swimming pool?” Yes, this is a good question, and no, the money I stole went to gambling. The second mortgage I took out on the house went to pay for the pool.

My daughter was having a hard time understanding how her father (me) could steal. In her eyes, I can do no wrong, and stealing is definitely wrong. My wife talked about the compulsive gambling addiction, and I expanded on it today. I do want my children to know everything, and cannot hide from my past. I messed up rather large, but I am a much better person for it. I explained how my brain wasn’t working correctly and how I am now getting help with this addiction so this will never happen again. My daughter seemed to take it all in, and she did ask another good question. “If you didn’t steal, would we still be living in our old house and I would have my old room?” The answer to this question is most likely yes, but I cannot go back and erase the past. I wanted my daughter to know it was me only that caused all these problems. Neither she, her mother, nor her brother had anything to do with it, and she has every right to be angry with me. She did say she was angry with me, and I told her she can be angry for as long as she wants. Then she punched me in the arm twice. I told her to go for a third time and to hit me even harder. She couldn’t do it, and we hugged. After this we had a discussion about gambling and how some people can gamble while others (especially me) cannot. My wife was explaining that she can gamble if she wants, and my daughter gave her a very mean look, almost to say, “If Daddy can’t gamble then you shouldn’t.”

I fell in love with my daughter the moment she was born, as I did with my son. My daughter has always been Daddy’s little girl as my son has been Mommy’s little boy. It appears nothing has changed despite the fact I have been away for one year, and now my daughter knows I am a thief. I’m fairly certain I have fallen a few notches in my daughter’s eyes and rightfully so; however, there is so much love in our family, I know everything is going to be perfect. All of this had to come out at one point, and today was the day. My daughter is a great child, and my biggest fear was messing both of them up for life. This will not happen because I will always be honest and open with them. I screwed up, but I am still a good person, and thanks to recovery, getting better each and every day.

The discussion part of the day was over, and it was on to game playing. This is part of spending time with my family. Whether it’s pushing them on a swing or playing games, or just sitting together, all that matters is we are a family. Yes, we are a family, and over this week, we will reinforce that bond which has been slightly ruptured over the past year. Life does get better and so does our family. We had a great time playing games, going on the swings, and playing on the monkey bars. I even had an opportunity to speak with my wife. Most of her concerns are financial. These will work out, and in 7-1/2 months, I will be able to share in the mess I created. There are decisions that need to be made, and whatever those decisions are, they will be the correct ones. Everything does happen for a reason, and wherever we end up, living will be wonderful. It will be wonderful because all of us will be together.

I was watching my son and daughter very closely. Things have not changed very much in the past year because my daughter still eats very little, and my son still eats very much. I watched my daughter barely finish half of a bagel. Then I noticed my son finish a whole bagel followed by the other half of my daughter’s bagel followed by half of my bagel. I really believe my six-year-old son eats more than my wife, daughter, and me combined! Yet, my son is not fat. In fact, he has thinned out during the year but still has more muscles than me! They are an interesting dynamic as my son just goes with the flow while my daughter is always analyzing the situation. Okay, I miss them terribly, but in 7-1/2 months, this will all be over.

It was another great day, and we even got in a game of monkey in the middle. Since the two crews are still gone, the visiting area was not very crowded. Normally, all of the tables are filled, but today and yesterday, there were more empty tables than occupied tables. This was good for us because the children were able to play freely. Once again, the 5 hours and 50 minutes flew by, and it was time for them to depart. We hugged and kissed several times on the way out. My ever-affectionate son kissed me at least 10 times. The next time I will see them will be on Tuesday for the family visit. My son had the quote of the day. As we were standing near the exit waiting for my wife to return from the car (for obvious reasons, I could not help her bring the items to the car), my son looked at the five other men in “orange,” then looks back at me, then glances again at the five other men, and then said to me, “Why are you here anyway?” This about summed up it up for me, and I said to him, “Remember I told you Daddy made a mistake, and I have to stay here until after your next birthday.” This didn’t seem to satisfy him as he asked the question again. After he asked the question, my daughter chimed in, “Daddy will explain it to you when you are my age.” Then my son said, “But that will take forever!” By this time, my wife had returned, and our little dialogue was over. This does remind me to mention that earlier in the day after I finished the discussion with my daughter, she turned to me and asked, “Is this (fire camp) like military school?” My response was “yes.” My daughter does grasp the concept, and both of them will be just fine.

The day was over, and these past two days were the fastest days of my life. I can only imagine how fast the family visit will be, which is why I will enjoy every second. I watched from across the street as they drove away, blowing kisses back and forth. My goodness, what an incredible family.

I walked back to the office, but before I arrived there, I was patted down before leaving the visiting area. Thankfully, my family was gone by this time, so it was back to my reality. I won’t let this deter my positive mood, and I headed back to camp. I signed back into the office and headed for my room. I was thinking about exercising, but the normally quick 2:30 p.m. weekend count took 35 minutes (normally, it takes 5 minutes). Also, I needed to call my mother so she could relay a message to my wife. The overextended count was finally cleared, and I made my way over to the telephones. Before placing the telephone call, one of the new C/O’s approached me. He asked me if I wanted to drive up with him tomorrow to where my crew was staying. He thought my family visit was over, and I told him “I do appreciate you thinking of me, but my family visit is on Tuesday. Had this been next Sunday, then by all means I would have gone.” This was certainly very nice, and I am starting to see more positive attitudes from some unexpected sources. Anyhow, I placed the telephone call to my mother and recounted the two days. I was still on a high from the visits, and I think I talked nonstop for the 15 minutes. As always, it was great speaking with my mom, and I will see her in two months with my younger sister.

I didn’t exercise, which was fine. I did go to dinner and had some rice and salad. After dinner, I had enough of writing as I completed five letters for the day, so I went outside. I spent the night hearing about how parole is very different on the east coast as opposed to California. This was all part of my education, and who knows how this applies to me, but it was good to hear. The night was over, and I went back to my room where I finished “Love Monkey.” It was an entertaining book. It wasn’t the best, and it wasn’t the worst. It was whimsical, and it was definitely “Sex and the City” from a male perspective. After finishing the book, I went to sleep with the thought of my family forever etched on my mind. What a wonderful weekend.

THE VISIT

The dorm area was so quiet I couldn’t even sleep – not really. I was preoccupied with the upcoming visit with my family. I was awake at 4:00 a.m. I lay in my bed for an hour and decided it was time for me to get up. Normally, my workouts on Saturdays are relatively easy, but since it had been over a week since my last burpee/pushup routine, I needed to do one this morning. I must have been full of nervous energy because I completed my routine a full six minutes ahead of my fastest time. I couldn’t understand why I was sweating more than normal, but when I finished, I soon realized why. I would have done more exercises, but I decided to stop at 400 burpees as I wanted to be fully showered and shaved before going to breakfast. I was able to do both, and I must comment on the fact that ever since I got back from the fire, I have been using my Gillette Mach III razor, which is so much better than any other razor I have used in the past year. I had been saving this razor for the visit, and now, I am finally able to have a good shave.

I was fully showered, shaved, and dressed before breakfast. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go to breakfast, but I needed something to occupy my time, and going to breakfast fit the bill. It was uneventful, and I sat with one of the members of the “table.” I have become more familiar with this particular member, and we do have many things in common. We attended the same university (U of Maryland); we are both from the east coast; we are both very skinny as he doesn’t eat any red meat; and he, too, is an exercise fanatic. The similarities don’t stop there as he, too, was having a visit today with a family member who came a long way (east coast). We were both excited and really didn’t eat much breakfast; however, it did provide a diversion and also killed a few minutes. I returned to my room to put on my visiting clothes. I have a special set of clothes just for visiting. I even ironed them last night as they have a tendency to get very wrinkled. My “visiting clothes” are the same type of clothes I am required to wear every day; however, since these are new clothes, they are a very bright shade of orange.

I was fully dressed and waiting as patiently as I could for 8:30 a.m. when visiting opens. I have a very good view from the window in my room to the visiting area. I can see all the cars pull in and see all the visitors walk up. I was waiting for the officer to go down to the visiting center because without an officer the visiting area doesn’t open. Visiting hours are from 8:30 a.m. to 2:30 p.m.; however, sometimes the officers are late arriving and delay the process. The officer finally arrived 12 minutes (yes, I was checking) late and went about his pre-opening duties. Finally, at 8:50 a.m., the cars were allowed into the visiting parking lot. My wife had rented a car just for the weekend, and she told me it was a Ford Focus, but she didn’t know the color when I last spoke with her. Before any cars pulled into the parking lot, I was picturing a little white care. Sure enough, the fifth car to pull in was a little white car, and out walked my family.

After I saw them from my room, I just wanted to run down to them and give them a big hug; however, had I done this, I would have been in big trouble. I had to wait for my name to be called over the loudspeaker. I watched my family enter the visiting area, and 10 minutes later, my name was finally announced. I had moved outside by this time and was in the office very swiftly. I was bringing out the original marriage license and birth certificates as I had to show them to the officer checking me out. Strangely, he made copies of my children’s birth certificates even though four copies had been previously made. I was not going to question anything at this point. All I wanted to do was go down to the visiting area. After the copies were made, the originals were returned to me, and off I went to the visiting area.

The walk from the office to the visiting area takes two minutes, but I made it down in one minute today. As I neared the area, I could see my beautiful daughter standing. She quickly saw me and started running. A few steps behind her was my son who was also running toward me. My daughter reached me first and gave me a big hug. I picked her up, and it was an incredible embrace. I put my daughter down and then picked up my son for another incredible embrace. Tears welled up in my eyes, and as I put my son down, I looked over to my left and saw my wife. I walked over to her, and we embraced warmly with a kiss. This was absolutely perfect, and I cannot believe it has been over one year since I last saw them. My children have grown considerably over the past year, and my wife has gotten prettier. I am a blessed person, and I was standing there staring at three blessings in my life.

I couldn’t believe how much my daughter and son had stretched out during the year. Wow, they do grow like weeds. When I first saw how much taller they were, I wondered if anything else had changed, such as their personalities. After spending 10 minutes with them, they were the same sweet, loving, gentle, and extraordinary children I left behind last year. These are great children, and even though I had last seen them over one year ago, it was as if I had seen them last week. Oh, my. I am a very fortunate person.

I wanted time to stop today, and I was very reluctant to look at my watch. I wanted to soak in every moment of the visit. I turned my attention to my wonderful wife and noticed a beautiful face and loving smile; however, underneath there is a great deal of worry and concern. We really didn’t have much time to converse today because I was playing with the children, and the time to converse didn’t seem exactly right. I have put this woman through hell, yet she has done a remarkable job proving normalcy to our children. I could see my children were remarkably normal, and in spite of having stretched over the past year, these are the same children I said goodbye to last year. This is all very amazing, and I do wish I could put my wife’s mind at ease; however, there are so many uncertainties surrounding my release, it is hard to come up with a concrete plan. My wife has been stressed for the past year financially which, of course, is a direct result of my behavior. She has never once held this over my head, which she has every right to. Somehow, she has managed to get by for the past year, but it is taking its toll on her. I know in my heart and in my brain everything is going to work out for the best when I am released, but this does not help my wife now. She continues to pick up the pieces I left behind, and I am forever grateful. I tried my best to convey to my wife that everything will be fine, but I am not sure if my words meant much. In 7-1/2 months, I will be released, and wherever I am legally allowed to live, I will get back on my feet; however, until such time, the financial burden falls squarely on my wife’s shoulders.

Today was incredible as we laughed, played, talked, and had fun. I was able to push my children on the swing set. We also played some board games and had a quick toss with both my daughter and son. My wife brought bagels, snacks, and we grilled hot dogs for lunch. Other than this being a prison’s visiting center, it was a Saturday in the park with my family. At one point, my son lay down next to me, and I started scratching his back, head, and face. These are the moments I miss so much. It took me a very long time to realize that is isn’t the toy or the gifts to the children that are important; it is spending TIME with them. I could spend eternity with my children, and I love them so much. A very wise person once told me love for children is spelled TIME, and it is so true. A very simple scratching of my son’s back or a kiss to my daughter’s forehead has so much meaning. I am very fortunate that I only have another 7-1/2 months away from them because seeing how much they have grown in the past year, they won’t be children forever.

My daughter is essentially the same little girl I last saw as she is sweet, sensitive, loving, kind, and caring. My son has blossomed in the past year as his vocabulary has grown, and he can easily identify numbers. He is also smart as he comes up with some extraordinary statements. His personality hasn’t changed as he, too, is kind, sensitive, caring, loving, and sweet. Both of my children are adorable, and it appears my son’s blue eyes are getting lighter while my daughter’s eyes are still as blue as ever.

Where did the day go? We had 5-1/2 hours of visiting time, and before I knew it, visiting hours were over. There was one point during the day where my ever-inquisitive 9-year-old noticed the writing on my pants and shirt. I had a feeling this was going to happen, but I didn’t forewarn my wife. On my pants, the letters are CDC PRISONER as is the case on the back of my shirt. My daughter noticed this and asked me. Before I was sentenced, I explained to my daughter that I made a big mistake and would have to go away for awhile to pay for this mistake. I never mentioned the words jail or prison so as to not scare her. Now, she sees the word prisoner on my clothes and has lots of questions. I did my best to explain that yes, I am a prisoner because of the mistake I made, and this is more of a camp as opposed to a jail or prison. She seemed somewhat satisfied with this answer, but I could still see the wheels in her head clicking away. She didn’t have anymore questions, so we went on enjoying our day.

The day came to a close so quickly, and they were walking back to the car. Thankfully, they will be back tomorrow because this one day was not enough. I’m not sure if the eight days we will share together will be enough, but it has to be. Oh my, I miss them so, and I miss being a dad. I never realized how much I love being a father until today. I love being with my wife and children as I always have but never really understood how much. It is amazing how having clarity of the mind helps so much. In years gone by, my mind was so clouded with unnecessary “stuff” (for lack of a better word) that when I was physically present with my family, my mind was somewhere else. Today, I was here both physically and mentally, which was incredible. It was a wonderful day, and as they walked to the car, each one of them blew kisses in my direction as I blew kisses right back. My wife loaded up the car, and off they drove. Prior to going to the car, we all embraced and kissed warmly. My son is still very affectionate, and he loves his kisses. My daughter gave me an extra long hug, and the embrace with my wife was filled with love. Unfortunately, they cannot stay for the next 7-1/2 months, so they were on their way but will return tomorrow morning.

I made the walk back to the office seemingly on cloud nine. I was in awe of my family and how incredible they are. As I got into the office and signed back in, it was back to my reality. The officer on duty patted me down which, of course, is a reminder of my environment. I departed the office, and on the way, I saw the member from the “table” who also had his visit today. We quickly spoke about our visits, and we were both smiling from ear to ear. I went to my room where I played back the last 5-1/2 hours in my head. Instead of beating myself up, I focused on the positives, and there are so many of them starting and ending with my family. I really have been blessed with three exceptional people; my wife, daughter, and son. These are truly great people, and I love them more than anything in the world. The positive energy flows through them and into my heart. This entire journey could have destroyed our family, yet it has strengthened it, and it does get stronger each day.

I needed a few minutes to bask in the wonderful day, so I lay down on my bed. I didn’t fall asleep. I just laid there with a big smile on my face. I needed the decompression time, and after I was fully decompressed, I started writing. I wrote until it was time for dinner. I didn’t need any food so I decided to return to my room for more writing. I didn’t spend all night writing as I went outside to enjoy the sunset. As the sun was setting, I couldn’t believe how fast the day had gone. It was as if someone hit warp speed because it was truly over in the blink of an eye. The sun had set, and I went back to my overly-quiet room/dorm. I picked up “Love Monkey” and read for a few minutes before retiring to sleep. As I went to sleep, I had a weird picture in my head of my family, and my smile wasn’t going to fade.

Deja vu, Almost!

Sleeping on top of a mattress does have its advantages over sleeping on the ground, but I do know I can pretty much sleep anywhere; that is, of course, depending on the definition of sleep since I seem to have the same quality of sleep whether I am on a mattress or on the ground. Last night, I slept on a mattress for the first time in a week, and the sleep was much the same as it has been for the past years. It certainly was good to be back in my room, especially realizing a week has passed so quickly. As I lay down, I thought having a few more of these one-week excursions wouldn’t be a bad idea. Once every few weeks would make the next 7-1/2 months go by that much quicker; however, for now, I am focused in on tomorrow’s visit with my family. It has worked out very well, and if for some reason my crew gets called out to a fire, I do not have to join them because my visit takes precedence over anything else. There are many faults with the prison system; however, when it comes to the family visits, they have gotten it right, and I am forever thankful.

Over the past week, I didn’t do my exercise other than hiking the two days we worked on the fire line, and my legs were asking my brain what was going on. I have been on a very good roll over the past 9 months with my exercising, and having one week down really isn’t so bad. One of my crew mates had asked me if I would have a difficult time getting back into exercising since I had the week off. I told him I would not because I enjoy it. While I was in the county jail for 30 days last year, I didn’t do much “official” exercising. It wasn’t until I got to the reception center that I started the sweat-inducing workouts which have carried all the way through. I had no doubt that upon my return to camp I would be outside the following morning resuming my exercise program. This morning, I got up at 5:00 a.m. and started my Friday exercise regimen just like all the other Fridays I have been in camp. I set out to run, and this is what I did.

The run was over, and it was time to shower, dress, and go to breakfast. All of these were accomplished without any incident. Then it was time to boot up for work. I was wondering if our fire captain would be on duty today since he worked through his days off. I remember hearing someone say the fire captains are required to take 24 hours off when they return from a fire. This doesn’t apply to us since we aren’t professional firefighters, so we were required to go out on the grade. While I was filling up my CamelBak, I noticed the fire captains proceed to the bus area. I did not see my fire captain, which meant he would be off today and subsequently could give the crew the day off. This was not certain because we could always get a relief fire captain. I was sort of hoping for a day off because I had a great deal of writing to do. I did take pen and paper with me but lacked the motivation to write while I was away. I have no excuse, and I know I can recapture the past week when I commence writing.

I approached the bus area, and sure enough, our captain was absent. There was a relief captain, but he was not standing next to my bus. This was looking good for a day off. The check-in procedure started, and my crew’s line was skipped, which is another tell-tale sign of having a day off. All the crews where checked in except for mine, and the C/O made her way over. She gave us the good news of being laid-in (day off) for the day. I really cannot believe how everything continues to work out for the very best. I needed the day off, and lo and behold I got the day off. I returned to my room where I picked up my writing materials and started to write. I spent most of the day writing and reading a little more of “Love Monkey.” It was a very good day, and it passed soon enough.

All of a sudden, it was dinnertime, and I wondered where the day had gone. I went to dinner for the beans and dinner roll along with the salad. I had plenty to eat all day as I was snacking on fruit and cereal bars. With dinner over, I would have to wait for the mail call.

Oops, I almost forgot the highlight of my day. Since I was in camp all day, I had the opportunity to call my wife at lunchtime. I was able to reach her, and she told me the saga of her airplane trip out here. My poor wife has had some unfortunate travels over the years such as the time she waited all day at LAX to depart while she was with our two children. This time, her flight out here was cancelled on Wednesday. Thankfully, the airline notified her in advance so she didn’t have to trek out to the airport in order to find out. Apparently, there were some very strong thunderstorms on the east coast, and getting to Atlanta was a big problem. The airline (Delta) told her that they could have two people in my wife’s party fly out on one plane while the other person would be on a different plane. This would have been fine if my wife wasn’t traveling with a 9- and 6-year-old. To make a long story short, my wife and children didn’t depart on Wednesday, they departed on Thursday. The positive to this is that the airline bumped back the return trip one day; so essentially, they will be in southern California for the same number of days. My wife and children did depart all together on Thursday morning, but their airplane was three hours late. Couple this with a three-hour layover in Salt Lake City, they had a very long day. They awoke at 3:30 am. Eastern Time and didn’t arrive into southern California until 3:00 p.m. Pacific time. However, everyone arrived safe and sound. They were all set for the visit tomorrow, and everyone was excited, especially me.

The mail call arrived, and I received an envelope from my mom filled with writing paper and articles on the fire I had just been on. This was fairly amazing because, when I departed last week, I gave her the wrong information, yet this article was about the area where I fought the wildfires. I was also able to retrieve some other mail. Being away for a week does have its drawbacks, but at least I know I will be busy writing in the days to come. I had enough of writing for the day, so I remained outside fort the rest of the night. As I was watching the sunset, I realized I was just doing the same thing last week. It was like déjà vu, and true to déjà vu, the fire alarm went off again just like last week. As the fire alarm went off, the announcement was made that crew two (my crew) and four get ready to go out of county. This was an exact replay of last Friday night; however, there was one notable exception; since I was getting so close to my family visit, I did not have to join my crew members.

After the announcement was made, I calmly approached the office window and informed the C/O’s on duty that I would be staying behind due to my family visit. One of the C/O’s who is very new started to joke with me and asked if I was sure I wanted to say behind because I was giving up “all that money.” I realized he was joking, and my response was, “Hmm, let me see. I make $1 an hour, and the state takes out 55 cents for restitution so I really make 45 cents an hour, or see my wife and children for the first time in a year? As difficult a decision as this may be, I think I will, in fact, stay behind!” We both laughed, and I was officially exempt from going on the fire. This is truly amazing how everything has come together for this visit. I’m not sure how or why, but I am grateful.

I spent the rest of the evening watching my crew members scurry around getting ready for their 6- to 7-hour bus ride (again) to the Fresno area. I had a great big smile watching them, and each one of them wished me the best on my family visit. I have been blessed with an exceptional crew, and these are a great bunch of guys. I told them thanks and said, “Be safe.” Just like last week, the bus was loaded and rolled out in the dark of night. Hopefully, our fire captain got enough rest today so he won’t have a repeat of his dozing off at the wheel like last week. As they departed, I returned to my room, and it was eerily quiet. I share the dorm with all 15 of my crew mates, and now they are gone. The dorm consists of 12 rooms, two men to a room, for a total of 24 people. Now, 15 of these 24 are gone, and the remaining eight are down the hall from me. This is like having my own dorm. The dorms are relatively quiet when everyone is here, but now it is spooky quiet. This may take some getting used to because I have shared a room/dorm/bunk for the better part of a year, and now I am essentially by myself. I’m not sure when my crew will return, but eventually they will, and the alone-time will be gone. It was strange turning out my light tonight and not seeing or hearing another person.

Cantaloupe

After my exercise workout and morning routine, I went to breakfast. As I entered the dining hall. I noticed the inmates getting a quarter piece of cantaloupe on their trays. When I saw this, I actually got excited. I have not had cantaloupe in over a year and I couldn’t wait to dig into my piece. I reached the end of the food service line and was given a slice. I sat down and promptly dug into it. It tasted very good and I was fortunate enough to receive an additional slice which I am saving for tomorrow. This may sound silly, but a simple slice of cantaloupe means so much to me. In the Power of INTENTION, the author writes about the need to maintain proper nutrition and staying away from certain foods. I do have a regiment diet, but sometimes the pickings are slim, not today because the piece of cantaloupe certainly hit the spot. I do enjoy fruits, especially summer fruits, and I must commend the kitchen staff for ordering the cantaloupe. Normally we receive apples on a daily basis so it was excellent to see the cantaloupe in place of the apples. This simple fruit made my day.

It has been stifling hot here and with all the clothes that I must wear, my intolerance of the heat begins at 112 degrees. The Power of Intention has had a profound effect on me because a short time ago I was having a difficult time with the outdoor tasks. Oddly during those time when my attitude was less than stellar, my weed trimmer would jam constantly. Today I was armed with a much better attitude and the weed trimmer worked perfectly up until the heat started to get to me. As soon as my attitude waned the weed trimmer jammed. Coincidence? I don’t think so. As I was fixing my weed trimmer and getting more water for the camelback – I must drink at least a gallon and a half of water – we got a fire call and just like that the weed whacking was over. It wasn’t exactly a fire call rather than a rescue call. Apparently, 3 sheriff deputies were overcome by heat and needed rescuing. We were supposed to cover one of the stations that responded to the call. Everyone on the crew was happy to get the call and we boarded the bus. The excitement was very high among my crew. As we were enroute, the Captain pulled over which usually signifies the call was cancelled and it was. Yes, another quack call which seems to happen more often than not. Instead of turning around, the Captain proceeded on the intended route. I certainly did not want to go back to week whacking in this heat. However, the back of the bus is stifling hot. There is an air-conditioner, but it doesn’t work very well. It stays on with the windows open and my legs were sweating more than they were when I was weed whacking!

The bus ride was very interesting because we came very close to where I used to live. We were 2 exits away but turned to head back to camp. I was very familiar with this area and I was amazed by all the construction. The California housing market is supposed to be in a slump, but I wouldn’t know this by looking at all the new housing tracts. I did notice that the house prices have stabilized and in certain instances have fallen. This is good news for me (not for those who presently own houses, sorry) because the prices are not out of this world. I know I have a long way to go before owning a home - such as I need to pay back so many people (which I will) but my wife and I will own a house within the next 3 years. The housing prices are headed in the right direction (for me) and home ownership will happen.
The bus ride was hot and uncomfortable but I got to view the outside world which is much better than most experiences I have had in the past year. I am incarcerated, but I do have a wonderful opportunity to go out into the community. I am viewing the community from the back of a bus, but I had a smile on the whole time. I am so fortunate how this journey continues to work out for the best. There wasn’t a fire nor a rescue mission which might have disappointed some of my fellow crew members, but it wasn’t a bad way to spend 2 hours while serving time.

For the first time in along time, I didn’t receive any mail. This does happen and it appears with the holiday on Wednesday, the mail delivery had slowed down. There were less than the usual amount of names on the mail list. I am so very fortunate to have so many caring friends and a magnificent family. Yesterday I received a letter from a very good friend. The letter contained only 8 words, but the amount of words didn’t matter, the fact that I laughed out loud after reading these words was what mattered most! I have thoughtful, caring, and loving people in my life and I am eternally grateful to everyone. Since I didn’t have to go outside for the mail call, I remained in the air conditioning and wrote. I did venture outside a little later than normal as I paused for some reflection. I thought about the fact that next week at this time, I will be anxiously awaiting the arrival of my family. Wow, it has been a long time and that first embrace is going to be incredible. I do have so much to be thankful for and it starts with my family and friends.

It's Coming Soon

During the visit with my dear friends yesterday, they were telling me about a cruise they booked. They are huge fans of cruises and I listened intently. This particular cruise was quite inexpensive, but what struck me the most was the fact that the cruise is scheduled for after my release date. They mentioned the dates of the cruise and I thought (out loud), “Hey, wait a minute, I will be out of here by that time.” I am under the 8 month mark and my friends are scheduling a cruise outside of my incarceration period. I guess my release is coming soon because vacations are being planned and life continues to move forward. On the 12th will be the one year anniversary of my sentencing date!

I have many things to look forward to in the coming months. Next week I will see my family for the first time since last year. In September my mother and sister will arrive for a visit. The time is moving swiftly and with all these visits (especially my dear friends who come on a regular basis) time moves even faster. I know I am a better person today than I have even been and I strive each and everyday to be better and better.

Unbelievably there wasn’t a single fire call all last night. This was the Fourth of July and this part of southern California is in a severe drought with very dry brush, yet there was not one fire call. This is fine by me, especially since I was informed that my daughter is very concerned with the fact that I am a firefighter of wildland fires. Last week even the East Coast news showed the wildland fires in South Lake Tahoe. My daughter saw this on television and asked my wife if I was at the fire and was very concerned with my safety. She is a worrier so my wife did all she could to put my daughter’s mind at ease. I do firmly believe there is a reason why my crew has only been on the one fire since my arrival. There hasn’t been a shortage of wildfires in the past 2 weeks, yet I have remained in the safety of the camp this entire time. I’m not sure what lies ahead this fire season, but I do need to have a talk with my daughter regarding what I do during wildfires. The main focus is on safety and I practice this all the time.

Many of my fellow crew members and camp members were astounded that there was no fire call sounded last night. A few of these members stated that there has been a fire call every 4th of July for at least the past 4 years. The string was broken last night as I turned in at my usual bedtime. I did have an opportunity to read one more chapter of The Power of INTENTION before falling off to sleep. This book continues to captivate me in so many ways. It is so much more than positive thinking it is positive living through and through. Also, trusting God (spiritual God as the creator of everyone and everything) is paramount to the Power of Intention. I am so happy I chose to read this book because it is indeed changing how I think and believe. I am slowly removing my ego and my “I’m better than most” attitude. I have replaced this with everyone is God’s creation and we are all filled with goodness. I will no longer state “even in a place like this” because “this place” is exactly where I belong. I lost focus of a positive way of living and ended up right where I belong. The quote. “We reap what we sow, “ is correct. I gave out negative thoughts and emotions and got back negative consequences. My life was not completely negative, in fact I was practicing the principles in the Power of Intention without even knowing it. I am ensconced in nothing but love from my family and dear friends. This love has been instilled inside of me and radiates outward. I temporarily lost my way, but now I have definitely found my way and it is truly wonderful. I am gaining so much insight as I read this book. When I do finish reading, I will NOT be finished with it because it has permeated to my core being. There are so many outstanding techniques such as visualization and positive self-talk. These must become part of who I am and I have incorporated them in my daily affairs.

Another critical component is meditation. I do need to incorporate this into my daily life. There is a perfect place for mediation in camp. There is a pond with a man-made waterfall. The sound of it is so peaceful and serene. I need to find time to meditate near the waterfall in order to get closer to the Source. Whoever designed the waterfall was a very intelligent person. It reminds me of the one we had in our pool with the rock formations. The one is camp is much larger. In the evening, the sun sets behind it and creates an even more peaceful serene setting. Ideally I would like to meditate at this time, but there are usually a few fellow inmates near this area making mediation a bit challenging. The early morning hours when I am outside exercising do create a perfect time for meditation. I just need to devote myself much better to this pursuit.

The five day weekend had come to an end and my crew along with another crew were on a strike team which consists of two crews, 3 captains, and 2 CO’s who go to a fire usually out of county. We were waiting word on whether or not we would be going to Santa Barbara to fight a wildfire. Much like last week when our crew was supposed to go to Lake Tahoe, but we didn’t go to either one. This is so strange because there are fires all around yet my crew remains without a single fire hour in almost six weeks. Our assignment today with 2 replacement Captains was to work on the septic system down below the camp. This seems to be our preferred assignment as the crew has worked on it several times. There is plenty of work down there probably for the next 6 months. This area used to house the running track, baseball field, and handball court, but now it is a construction zone in everyway. I do wonder if I will get to run on this track while I am here and if I had to guess I would say not likely. Anyhow, the morning was spent filling a trench and raking rocks in 100 plus degree heat. The backhoe broke down and that was it for the day which happened at lunchtime. The rest of the day was keeping busy and the last hour, the Engineer took us for a ride so he could get experience driving the bus. It was a good thing the backhoe broke down because it was much too hot to be working outside. Summer is definitely here!

Independence Day 2007/25 Years

The rest of the crews came filing in late yesterday afternoon. The two crews who had been away on a fire for the last 10 days came back first. They came back with fire stories and lots of goodies. On fires, the firefighters/inmates are given more than enough food. The breakfasts, lunches, and dinners are plentiful as are the snacks. Each member came back with sacks and sacks of these goodies which consisted of candy bars, granola bars, cookies, smoothies, Gatorade, and other assorted snacks. It was as if Halloween exploded all over the camp. Most of the members gave many of their goodies away, so it was “treat or treat” (my friend’s words) for the members who did not go on the fires. I was fortunate enough to receive granola bars, apple juice, grape juice, and Pop Tarts. I haven’t seen so many inmates munching on various snacks since I arrived here six weeks ago. The camp had a certain excitement about it.

Last night after a fairly poor dinner (turkey burgers with roasted potatoes that were severely under cooked), there was a Christian service in the dining hall. Christian services are held on Tuesday and Sunday nights. Normally, I do not attend as I am defining my higher power. I am getting much closer to my higher power since reading The Power of INTENTION. My higher power is purely spiritual and is everywhere. However, last night there was a live band with the service. I thought it would be nice to listen to the music. The band consisted of four gentlemen, most in their 50’s, playing guitars, a bass, and drums. The music was very good and uplifting. I stayed for almost the entire service and had a smile on my face all night long.

I departed a few minutes early to talk with a few inmates who had returned from the fire. The fire stories were very good, and one story had the crew running down a steep slope away from the spreading fire into a safety zone. Thankfully, no one was hurt, and all it did was provide a good story. I spoke with a few inmates who returned, and each of them said it was very good. At first, the hiking and the work was hard, but the last few days everything was very easy. No one seemed stressed out, but they were all happy to sleep in their bunks as opposed to a sleeping bag on the ground.

I stayed out later than normal, but when I came inside, I was still able to read one chapter of The Power of Intention. I fell asleep a little after 10:00 p.m. and had the most restful sleep in a very long time. I stayed in bed all night long and slept through until the morning. Since today is a holiday (Happy Fourth of July), breakfast was later than normal as I stayed in bed a few minutes longer than usual. I did get up for the Wednesday morning run. These early-morning runs and exercises are a wonderful way for me to start the day, and today was no exception. I was equally as excited because today is a visiting day as well, and I was getting a visit from two of my dearest friends.

My run ended, and it was into the shower as well as off to breakfast. I ate much less than usual at breakfast as my dear friends always bring so much food. After breakfast, I went back to my room where I changed into my visiting “oranges.” I also waited patiently for my name to be called for the visit. Once again, visiting was delayed 20 minutes, but my name was announced for the visit. I was all ready and went into the office to sign out for the visit. Then I made my way down to the visiting area where I saw my dear friends. I was greeted by warm hugs and big smiles. These two people are so very dear to me, and I am so blessed they are in my life. We spent the next three hours talking and eating. I ate so much between the blue tortilla chips, peanuts, tuna fish sandwich , and mozzarella salad, I was beyond full. My friend is a wonderful cook, and she went out of her way to satisfy my peculiar taste buds. She most certainly more than satisfied my taste buds, and everything was out of this world. The best part of the visit was the conversation. These are positive, caring, loving, wonderful people. They always make my day when they visit, and today, I had a wonderful Fourth of July, all thanks to my dear friends.

The C/O working the visiting area today was the C/O who had given me a difficult time with my family visit. I’m not sure how this happened, but this C/O is so very nice to me and is always joking with me about being too skinny. He even made a comment to my friends as they checked in. I continue to be amazed as to how everything is working out so well. A few short weeks ago, I was afraid to talk with this C/O – now we are joking around. I did not know I was practicing The Power of Intention with this C/O, but by staying positive and by displaying a positive attitude at all times, more positive than negative has entered my life.

The visit with my dear friends was over as they were going over to their son’s house for a picnic this afternoon. We each hugged one another as they departed. We had some food left over (I couldn’t have possibly fit anymore in my stomach!) and made the C/O a sandwich along with the salad. The C/O was very appreciative and thanked us in a warm way. It was a wonderful way to conclude the visit. I waved goodbye to my friends with a huge smile on my face. I returned to my room where I would write for the remainder of the day.

Twenty-five (WOW!) years ago today, I first met someone who is so near and dear in my life. I went on a double-date with my high school friend and his girlfriend. My high school friend convinced me to go on the date with a girl I didn’t know. As it turns out, this was the BEST decision of my life. Life is so funny how it works. Twenty-five years ago my mom and sisters along with others attended the World’s Fair in Knoxville, Tennessee. I was scheduled to go with them, but the day before we were due to leave I went to my mother and asked to stay home. Strangely, my mother didn’t give me a hard time and let me stay home. My grandmother lived a few blocks away and she was to look in on me from time to time. I was 16 years old back then, and my mom thought I was mature enough to stay home by myself.

Everything does happen for a reason, and over the course of those next few days, my life was changed forever. My dad, who had moved out a few months earlier, had a company picnic on the Fourth of July, and I went with him along with my high school friend. I am still not sure why my high school friend went, but he did. At the picnic, my friend convinced me to go on the double-date. My father drove us back to my mom’s house, and my friend and I went on the double-date. I met a girl who 10 years later would become my wife. That first date was not exactly memorable in a good way. We got lost going to the pizza restaurant because I wanted to avoid a girl’s house I had been seeing. At the restaurant, my friend and I showed our immature side while playing with the salad and throwing around the olives. My wife’s cousin (my friend’s date) had to ask a complete stranger for 20 cents so my soon-to-be wife could call her mother. My friend and I didn’t have 20 cents after paying for the pizza. I did get a chance to walk my date home. I kissed her on the cheek as her father watched from the sidewalk.

Through a series of events, I met the person I would spend the rest of my life with 25 years ago today. We have obviously been through some ups and downs, but the majority of the past 25 years has been up. My wife is back at the same house where I left her some 25 years later. Of course, this is not where she nor I thought she would be; however, my wife is the light of my life, and I love her more and more each passing day. In 10 days from now, I will see her for the first time in over one year. I cannot wait to see her face and to give her a hug. She is an amazing person, and I am so happy I didn’t attend the 1982 World’s Fair because I would not have met her. Honey, I love you so very much and will see you very soon!

As I look back, I realize there are no coincidences in life, and it was meant to be. I was meant to be with my wife. The past two years have been anything but easy for her, especially as she provides normalcy for our children in a very abnormal situation. As strange as it sounds, I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I was headed for total destruction, and I would have lost everything. I have not only not lost everything, but I continue to gain more and more as each day passes. I am a better person today than I was yesterday, and I intend to do this every day. I have a long way to go, but in less than eight months, a new and wonderful life will commence as my wife and family will be with me every step of the way. My life is wonderful.

"The Power of Intention" Exercise

Last night’s dinner was one of the better ones even though it was extremely basic. Spaghetti with meat sauce was served along with lima beans, salad, and green beans. Of course, I received my spaghetti without any sauce, but I did put some crushed red pepper on top of it. After dinner, I was fortunate enough to receive the last three days’ newspapers. For the first time in a very long time, I read a newspaper the same day it was published. Since the member of the table paroled last week, his local newspaper subscription still lives on. Somehow, I ended up with these three newspapers and was very grateful. I spent the rest of the evening reading these newspapers at the table outside. There wasn’t very much conversation, but I did talk about my college alma mater since one of the other inmates attended there as well. I’m guessing the University of Maryland does not broadcast the fact that they have no former students in the California Department of Corrections. It is fairly amazing how both of us ended up at the same fire camp. It is hard to believe it has been 20 years since I was a student at the University of Maryland. Time does go by quickly.

The day and night were over as I went to sleep. The entire day was a lay-in, but I do prefer these lay-ins to working on the grade projects. I do very well keeping busy on these days, and before I know it the day is over. I had a good night’s sleep only awakening once for the night. The weather has gotten much hotter and much drier. I have noticed the drop in humidity as my nose has dried out considerably causing speckles of blood. This has happened over the course of the past 13 ½ years as I have lived in very dry areas. I can always tell when the humidity level drops because my nose tells me. It does make sense that my nose is the first thing alerted because it is the biggest part of my body!

I expected today to be more of the same (lay-in) as yesterday, but I still had to follow my morning routine. I got up at the usual time and started my burpee/pushup routine. I did feel good, but I could feel the heat of the day already starting. Normally, early morning is very cool, but today it was warmer. I don’t know if that had anything to with my slower-than-normal time or the fact that I lose count every now and again. When I lose count, I have a tendency to do more than is required. The gnats were out in force this morning, which is usually not the norm, and a few of them flew right into my mouth. I guess this is a good way to get more protein in my diet!

The exercise routine was over, and with the showers fixed, I was able to take a shower before breakfast. This does make a world of difference because yesterday I felt very dirty and unseemly without taking a shower. This morning I felt so much better washing up thoroughly. I do have a new admiration for taking a shower. The shower was over, and it was on to breakfast. No one knew whether or not we would be laid-in, so it was business as usual. The breakfast of pancakes and oatmeal was uneventful. The dining hall looked deserted since only half the camp population was in there this morning. The four other crews are still out on the fires. As breakfast concluded, it was back to my room to put on my boots. I did ask whether it was necessary to “boot up”, but no one still seemed to know anything. I was booted up and went outside to listen for the work call. The work call announcement for my crew never arrived since we still didn’t have a fire captain. The other remaining crew had its regular captain, but we still were orphaned. So for the second day in a row, which makes a five-day weekend since tomorrow is an official holiday (Fourth of July), and we will be off work yet again. It seems my crew has been laid-in more than any other crew. I think it has to do with our captain’s schedule and the fact that he has been on vacation for the past two weeks. I did wonder how the captains can take vacation during fire season. I do remember in the gaming industry we had blackout periods for vacations, which were most major holidays and the week between Christmas and New Years Day. Fire season runs from May through November, so that would be a large blackout period. I guess it wouldn’t make any difference if a captain took vacation as long as there were other captains to cover. My crew seemed to get the short end of the stick these past two weeks since no captain has covered us. Anyhow, this is alright by me because this morning I read more of “The Power of INTENTION”.

I am fascinated by this book because it makes so much sense. I am about halfway through it and don’t know where to start making comments because every page has been great. I would like to highlight some passages because they hit me squarely in the head. This is a spiritual book in every way, shape, and form. The author, Dr. Wayne Dyer, makes no mention of religion, which I think is great. He does refer to God all throughout the book, but God is neither a he nor a she. God is the creator, and human beings are spiritual beings having a human experience. There is no beginning or end to life. There is no need to fear death because there is no end.

The book is broken down into three parts. The first part is the essentials of intention where the author details intention in depth. Intention is a force that exists in the universe as an invisible field of energy. This statement was the genesis of the book. The key is to let go and trust the power of intention. Letting go means getting oneself out of the way, and ego must be forsaken. Ego is a detriment to intention. Ego cannot exist with intention. Intention is everywhere and is part of everyone. There are four steps to intention; discipline, wisdom, love, and surrender. These steps are completed in order, and by the time the fourth stage (surrender) is reached, all the pieces have come together. In surrender, you light up and can consult with your infinite soul.

The second part is called “Putting Intention to Work.” This offers specific information and a step-by-step guide to applying these principles in everyday life. One of these principles is to respect myself at all times. Mark Twain said, “A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.” This is critical because, if I don’t believe I am worthy of fulfilling my intentions for health, wealth, or creating relationships, then obstacles will appear that will inhibit the flow of creative energy into my daily life. The key is to maintain the highest level of energy - the higher the level, the closer to spiritual energy. Obstacles only block these higher levels of energy. Remove all obstacles and surrender to intention. In essence, if I portray negative feelings, negative feelings are returned to me. On the flip side, if I portray positive emotions, then positive emotions are returned to me. I have committed to being positive all through my recovery, but I cannot pick and choose. I must remain positive at all times, and positive things will surround me at all times. This is not a half-way attempt. This is 100% being.

One passage in the book is titled “What You Think of Yourself is What You Think of the World.” The author goes on to state in this section, “If your thoughts reflect a pessimistic view of the world, then that’s exactly how you feel about yourself.” This is very powerful, and for myself, I believe I am more of an optimist than a pessimist; however, the more optimism displayed, the better I feel about myself. I realize I am making this a bit simple, but the key is to trust, believe, and surrender to intention. Trusting and believing mean being positive and displaying positive attitudes at all times. “If I think I am defeated, I am.” I don’t know who said that, but it is appropriate. So many times I have questions and concerns that inhibit me from trusting intention. I have to drop these questions and concerns in order to fully feel the benefits of intention.

Yet another passage, “The self in self-respect,” states, “Perhaps the greatest mistake we make, which causes a loss of self-respect, is making the opinions of others more important than our own opinion of ourselves.” He goes on to say, “If you fail to respect yourself, you’re showing contempt for the process of creation!” Let’s face it – in this world, it is so easy to cast opinions on others. This is wrong, and when those opinions are cast, many of us take them to heart which is equally as wrong. Self-respect is just that – to respect yourself. As long as I respect myself, it does not matter what others say about me. This has nothing to do with ego and has everything to do with self-respect. I must practice the seven faces of intention, which are; creativity (I have a long way to go with this one), kindness, love, beauty, expansion, unlimited abundance, and receptivity. As long as I practice these, it does not matter what others say. Also, I cannot cast any opinions on others. I must look past the judgments of others’ appearances, failures, successes, status in society, wealth or lack of it, and extend appreciation love to the source (God) from which they came. By extending love and respect to everyone, I can turn low energy into high energy because I am returning it to the source rather than away.

Hopefully, some of this is making sense because it does have me excited. There are so many correlations to the GA program I am astounded. The 12 steps of recovery tell about a higher power, powerlessness, surrender, and not taking inventory of others only oneself, among many other wonderful things. The Power of Intention encapsulates all these principles. The 12th step in the GA recovery program states, “Having made an effort to practice these principles in all our affairs, we tried to carry this message to other compulsive gamblers.” Essentially, this means to give back to others. In the Power of Intention, “The more you give of yourself, no matter how little, the more you open the door for life to pour in.” I am astounded at the similarities. I will close this discussion on the Power of Intention with a poem:

“The best thing to give your enemy is forgiveness;
to an opponent, tolerance;
to a friend, your heart;
to your child, a good example;
to your father, deference;
to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you;
to yourself, respect;
to all men (and women), charity.”

“Make giving a way of life. It is, after all, what source and nature do eternally. I’ve heard it said about nature that trees bend low with ripened fruit; clouds hand down with gentle rain; noble men bow graciously. This is the way of generous things.”

I have always thought of myself as a kind, caring, loving, generous person; however, after reading half of The Power of Intention, I realized I have to fully commit to these attributes. I cannot pick and choose as I see fit. I have no right to put anyone down because this is putting myself down. I sometimes have a tendency to get caught up in my surroundings. I must stop this and trust intention. I can see this is a key to a much better way of life. I must be fully cognizant of my actions, and as long as these actions are consistent with GA and Intention, my life will move to a much higher level.

Yes, most of my day was absorbed into this book. I did take 90 minutes out to work out some more. The Power of Intention does also focus in on how to treat the body. I haven’t done a double-session workout since my arrival here some six weeks ago. I had time this morning for a 90-minute session on the Harvard Wall. I am glad I did the exercise in the middle of the running because the afternoon temperature was due to climb to 110 degrees. I did get a good sweat in the 85-degree temperature, especially wearing sweatpants (my two pairs of shorts were in the wash). It was a good break from the running, and after I was finished, it was time for shower number two. The rest of the day was spent writing and reading. I really shouldn’t call it reading because it is more of a study as opposed to a read.

Six Years Yesterday

I was remiss not mentioning the 6-year anniversary of the most traumatic event in my life. Six years ago yesterday, it was a Sunday (just like yesterday). I was preparing to start my new job in southern California. My first day was to be on Monday. I had said my goodbyes to my wife, daughter – then three years old, and son – five months old. I had my car all packed up and was ready to leave from our house in Las Vegas. The telephone rang, and I answered it. It was my wife, who was over at a neighbor’s house swimming. The only words I could make out were my daughter’s name and “drowning.” I quickly dropped the telephone and ran to the neighbor’s house into their backyard. My neighbor had my daughter on her leg, my wife was in hysterics, and my daughter was not moving. I took her onto my lap and started to slap her back. Within a few seconds, which felt like an eternity, she spit out a mouthful and chest full of water. She continued to spit out the water and was finally responsive. We didn’t hesitate and drove my daughter to the nearby hospital where she was given the “all clear.”

What had happened was my daughter was on the edge of the swimming pool and somehow slipped on the steps. My wife was talking with our neighbor at the other end of the pool. Our neighbor looked over where my daughter was standing, and she was not there. Our neighbor then looked into the pool where she noticed my daughter was submerged. Thankfully, she jumped into the pool and pulled my daughter out in no time. I am not sure if she administered CPR to her because within minutes I was in the backyard. If it weren’t for the attentiveness of this neighbor, I shudder to think about the other possible outcome. Thank God my daughter is now a very happy, healthy 9-year-old who loves to swim. The next summer after the accident, my daughter received swimming lessons and has been a strong swimmer ever since. Needless to say, I never made the drive to southern California, and my first day of work was postponed to the following week. I do wonder if this was a message of things to come, but I soon came complacent in the following years, and more bad things happened. Thankfully, in my second most traumatic event which occurred almost 2-1/2 years ago, I have a program that fights against complacency. My life continues to get better each and every day.

Last night, two more crews were called out to a fire about an hour away from here. There are a total of six crews in camp, and four of them are out fighting fires. My crew is one of the two remaining in camp. Sometimes it does work out this way, and two of the crews have been gone for over one week fighting a fire. If our crew captain did not take his vacation last week and this week, my crew could have been on either one of these fires, but here I sit. I have been here over one month and still have been only on the one fire soon after getting here. This is really alright by me because I think this is going to be a long hot fire season probably lasting until at least December, if not longer. My crew’s turn will come, and I will be looking back at the time when I was wondering whether or not I would be fighting a fire.

The camp seems deserted since four crews are out on fire lines. At least half of the camp is gone, which makes for very good breakfast and dinner service. The dinner service last night was the fastest I have witnessed since being here. Unfortunately, the food that was served was more of a “Happy Meal” meant for children under the age of eight. Macaroni and cheese with ham was the main entrée along with green beans, roasted potatoes, and pudding. I was not very hungry because my dear friends had brought plenty of food for their visit. I did not eat a great deal, and I didn’t even require a lunch, so the minimal dinner was okay by me.

My day was filled with the usual writing, reading, and talking. Talk centered around whether or not the two remaining crews would be laid-in today since it seems all the fire captains were out on fires. As it turned out, my crew along with the other remaining crew was indeed, laid-in today. Who knows if this will carry over until tomorrow? Wednesday, being the Fourth of July, is a scheduled day off, so we could conceivably have five days off in a row. This is fine by me because I would rather sit in the air conditioning rather than be weed whacking, rock moving, or some other outside silly project in the 100-plus-degree heat. Yes, the temperature has gone up, and we still haven’t gotten into the dog days of summer. It really does make sense to treat us like regular-type firefighters during fire session rather than have us breaking our backs on some grade projects. At least, we will be well rested when a fire call actually arrives. Speaking of rest, I had a good night’s sleep for once as I only got up once during the evening. I did do my normal Monday exercise routine. As I was jogging/hiking up the very steep portion of the hill, I fell. This is the first time I have actually fallen. I have come close but always regained my balance but not today. I fell right down on my hands—not a big deal as I bounced up and there was no level of embarrassment as there weren’t very many people outside this morning. I did get dirty (very dirty) but continued on.

I completed my run, but I couldn’t commence my early-morning routine since the showers were turned off. They were turned off last night due to some problem within the water treatment plant and remained off this morning. I didn’t embark on a “bird bath” even though these are acceptable here. I just washed up as best I could and put on a little deodorant to cover the smell. I was thankful to hear the lay-in announcement after breakfast. At least I could take a shower when they were finally turned on.

Since it was a lay-in day, I did my usual starting with reading. I finally finished “The Rabbi And The Hit Man.” This was a true story about the first rabbi ever convicted of hiring a hit man to murder his wife. The author was painstakingly detailed, and I was impressed with the writing. I would have liked to have known more about the rabbi and what propelled his very large ego; however, it was a fascinating story. The murder was committed in 1996, and the rabbi was finally convicted in 2003 after one mistrial. He is now serving 30 years to life in a prison located in Trenton, New Jersey. I only had a few pages left of this book, so I finished it quite early this morning. Since I had all day, I started another book which my mother had sent me, “The Power Of Intention” by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer. He has been on public television many times and is an author of many other books. I really didn’t know much about this book before starting it. In fact, I knew nothing; however, after slowly reading the first few chapters, I realized this is a powerful book regarding intention. Intention, as described by the author, “is a force in the universe, and everything and everyone are connected to this invisible force.” The only way to truly connect to this force is to rid oneself of ego and negative thinking. It is more than self-will, will-power, and strong mindedness. It is about creativity, kindness, love, beauty, endless abundance, and being receptive. The universe is converted by this intention, and everyone can be a part of it on a conscious and unconscious level.

I have only gotten through the first four chapters, but I am already hooked. The author describes a story about adversity and how kindness lifts the spirits of all those involved. The story is about a disabled boy who wanted more than anything to join other boys his age who were playing baseball in a local baseball field. The boy’s father asked, and the other boys agreed somewhat reluctantly. However, something magical happened. The team the disabled boy was on came back from a six run deficit in the eighth and ninth innings. The disabled boy was due up to bat two with outs, a runner on second, and the team trailing by one. He didn’t even know how to hold a bat, so one of his teammates helped him. The opposing pitcher understood the value of kindness and just lobbed the pitch to the plate. The disabled boy, with the help of his teammate, made contact with a slow roller to the pitcher. He was extolled by his teammates to run to first, and he did with wide-eyed excitement. The pitcher, again understanding the value of kindness, threw the ball deep into right field. The disabled boy ran to first, then to second, then third, and finally home scoring the winning run. As he crossed home plate, both teams hoisted the boy up on their shoulders in triumph. The author states at the end of the passage, “If you don’t feel a tug in your heart and a tear in your eye (my eyes welled up as I was reading) after reading this story, then it is unlikely that you’ll ever know the magic of connecting back to the kindness of the supreme all-originating source.” I did paraphrase the story, but the meaning is the same—kindness is infectious all the way around and goes to the source.

This is not a book I can breeze through because I find myself re-reading many passages to understand the proper meaning. I have read books in the past about spirits and spirituality, but I felt these were just hocus pocus. This is not the case with “The Power Of Intention.” My life is connected to so many events, and most of the events have been positive. Unfortunately, over the past few years, I lost my way, but through recovery, I am finding my way. Recovery and Intention have so many similarities such as powerlessness, higher power, trusting, and spirituality. In the short time I have spent with the book, I can already see it strengthening my recovery. Also, it is no coincidence that I picked this book up today. Positive energy abounds, and the source has been created with all positive energies. It may take me awhile to absorb this book but so far so good.

There were bonuses with being laid-in today such as being able to call my wife today at lunchtime. Also, I forgot to mention that last night I had a very good telephone call with my mom and got to speak with my daughter who was spending a few days with her along with her cousin. Another bonus today was being able to receive the mail early. I received two letters today; one from my mother who has become very proficient at sending me letters, the other from my 14-year-old nephew who certainly has a way with words. We have been corresponding for the past two months, and our relationship continues to grow. He is a great person. I can’t stop thinking of him as a kid, but at 14 years of age, he is past the kid stage and writes lovely letters. It was a great day, and it showed me that even being laid-in can have many more benefits than being out on a grade project.

GA Meeting

Today was the third installment of the GA Meeting with my dear friends. I waited somewhat impatiently for their arrival. The visiting CO was 20 minutes late in his arrival which delayed my friends. The visiting area was finally opened and my friends were the first to arrive. I was all ready when my name was announced over the PA system. Since I was so happy to see my friends I actually glided down to the visiting area. They had secured the best table – as always – with the most shade. I was greeted by warm and loving hugs (some kisses too). Four of my dear friends had arrived and these are the same four who have visited me prior. They brought all sorts of food and drinks.

The meeting had commenced and as is always the case, the meeting was magnificent. One member made the comment, “We probably look forward to this meeting more than you.”

My reply to this was, “That is not possible.” I look forward to this meeting every other Sunday and it is the highlight of my week. I love these people with all my heart. They along with the GA Program continue to save my life everyday. I am in a great place in spite of being incarcerated. When I entered the GA room over 2 plus years ago, I never imagined all the benefits I would gain. After the meeting which included everyone’s therapy, the meeting was an open forum and we had wonderful conversations on a variety of topics. One of the main topics was my former employer which is apparently going through some very tumultuous times. I’m not sure if this ties in to the telephone call from them earlier in the week, but my guess is that it does.

I had such an enjoyable time and the next meeting/visit is July 29th because my wife and children will be here the two previous weekends. My friends are trying to recruit more members for the meeting and 3 additional members have already been approved. I believe there are 10 members who have been approved to visit me. I certainly didn’t want the meeting to end, but my friends have lives to lead and had to get home. As they drove off, I waved thinking how blessed my life has become thanks to these friends.

I returned to the office where I was greeted by the sergeant and on duty CO. I mustered up enough courage to ask the sergeant if he had heard back from my former employer. He was extremely cordial with me and waved me back to his office. Prior to this we actually had a playful interaction because I brought back used batteries the visiting CO had given me. A few weeks ago the Sergeant read me the “riot act” when I brought back the reading materials from my visit so today I immediately exclaimed, “ These batteries aren’t mine.”

The Sergeant jokingly said, “Okay, but what are you doing with state property?” I laughed and this seemed to break the ice. The Sergeant went on to inform me that the Lieutenant will make the decision regarding my former employer visiting me. He is due back tomorrow as he has been away on the wildfire with the 2 crews for the past week. The Sergeant may not have the authority to grant permission to my former employer on their visit since they are not technically law enforcement. He is leaving this up to the Lieutenant. It appears this will most likely be a telephone conversation as opposed to in person. The Sergeant went on to say that the Investigators from my former employer are working with the FBI. This tells me something very big is happening especially considering my case was limited to the state level. It will be interesting to learn the full details of what exactly is going on.