Let Go

There is a saying and it maybe a dime story saying or a summer tee shirt saying and in fact I remember the first time I saw this saying was on a tee shirt at the New Jersey shore when I was 14 years old some 26 years ago. The tee shirt was pink and had butterflies all around the saying. The saying goes; "if you love someone let them free and if they come back to you than it was meant to be." I do know this saying has been bastardized over the years; if you are interested do a Google search on "if you love someone..." It reveals some very creative lines!!

Back to the saying and me hopefully making a slight point. My biggest fear is losing my family. I know this may sound crazy or not so crazy because my wife has stood by me through this entire ordeal and has been nothing short of magnificent. She had and still has every right to take the kids and leave me. She has said she does not want to do this and I do believe her which is not my current dilemma. My current dilemma is knowing that I will be away from my family for an as yet undetermined period of time.

Our plans have them moving back to New Jersey which really is the best decision for my wife both emotionally and financially. They will live with family in New Jersey until I serve my "time". After that we will be together somewhere this will be determined at a later point because making plans for this right now would be futile. My concern was losing my family to "external" sources while I am away.

My wife has grown so much in the time we have left New Jersey and I have an unfounded fear she will stop this growth while she resides in New Jersey. I have no real basis for this fear in fact most fears that I have do not have any real basis for worry it really is the unknown. I need to stop worrying about things I cannot control nor can I change. I need to remind myself constantly to let go and let God.

I am not a very religious person but I do know there is something out there greater than me and I choose to call this "force" God. I have written about this in the past and I do believe in spiritual powers. My God will take care of my family so I need to let them go and they will come back with an even great spirit. I do struggle with this concept but realistically I have no choice; my decisions are not my own. I have no right to make any decisions for anyone but myself. This decision is my wife's decision and she is making the right one.

I am processing all of these events at a slower than expected rate but I am processing them none the less. There are good days and bad days in my recovery and thank God the good days far outweigh the bad days but as I reported yesterday I do have human emotions. These human emotions can really get in the way of a successful recovery but there is no getting around how I feel. I cannot impose this will on anyone; I must deal with these feelings and respect the feelings of others. I do respect the feelings of my wife even though I may not outwardly convey these feelings which means I have so much more work to do to become a better person.

I need to become and strive to become a better person. By being aware of my feelings and hopefully not acting on these feelings in a destructive way I will become a better person. Also; as long as I can communicate these feelings in an appropriate manner my life will get better and better each and every day.

I have a tremendous program called the Gamblers Anonymous Recovery Program to thank. This Program has given me so much awareness and so many other tools to become the person I am destined to be. I would be in a world of hurt without this remarkable Program and the remarkable people associated with the Program. I love each person who has touched my life in so many different ways. I am a blessed person with a blessed family and blessed friends.

Today was a great day because I had some very negative thoughts which I did NOT act on and I do apologize profusely for putting my wife through this hell. She did not deserve any of this and somewhere down the road I hope to make it up to her. I don't know if it is possible to make it all up to her but I will try my best and I know I will have her back and my children back when my "time" has been served. I love them so very much and losing them all be it temporarily really scares me but we have a strong family bond and that bond can't be broken by time or distance.