What is the Truth?

I was still shaking my head wondering what happened with the old “Coach” and how I went from inquiring about my transfer to fire camp status to having a new task for the week while I went back to the dorm for the lunch period. After eating lunch my routine stayed was the same as I wrote for the rest of the afternoon. The mail call came and I received one piece of mail which was from my Mother. My mother was kind enough to include a few “A Day at a Time” reflections which is the daily reading published my Gamblers Anonymous. Before entering prison I would read these each day as I started my day which would put me in the proper frame of mind. Unfortunately, I am not allowed to have this book because it only comes in hard cover. I have been fortunate because my Mother and my sponsor have sent me copies of the daily reflections. Reading these even though the days don’t coincide gives me a sense of serenity and reinforces for my recovery. Each day I do my best and each day I get a little better as my sanity is restored. I have come along way in 2 years but I know there is no finish line. It is not like one day I will wake up and be cured as a compulsive gambler. The cure for me is to stay in recovery which means to NOT gamble and also to be a better person. In two years this method has worked very well and I love the results. My life has more meaning now then it has ever had and each day is a blessing in recovery. Yes, I am currently in a place where I am isolated from the rigors and stress of the real world, however; as long as I am focused in recovery my life inside and outside of prison will be positive.

In spite of the rainstorm I went out into the evening yard to make a telephone call. I initially called my Mother but there is still a block on the telephone. I also tried my Grandmother’s phone (who lives with my Mother) number but she too has a block on her telephone. Since I couldn’t get through to my Mother I called my wife. I wanted to find out how she did with assisting me with the transfer to fire camp. She did great as she not only wrote a letter (along with the assistance of my Mother) to the fire camp which she faxed yesterday; she made a few telephone calls on my behalf. She spoke with someone at the fire camp who was very helpful. As it turns out the fire camp didn’t have any paperwork on me which meant they had no idea I existed. This is not surprising as the old “Coach” obviously did not pass my information along or it is sitting on the Captain’s desk. My wife also called the Captain in charge of fire camp placements and he is out of the office until Thursday while he is visiting various fie camps. She will follow up on Thursday when he returns. I am so blessed to have such an extraordinary woman in my life and my wife is my champion. She is helping in everyway possible and even though I have not seen her in over 8 months I feel closer to her now more than ever. My love for her grows more and more every day. We had a great conversation and of course the 15 minutes flew by. We did have a chance to say good-bye and I love you as the phone call ended. As I got off the telephone there wasn’t another inmate waiting to get on which is always the case. So I called my friend over as he was trying to get on the telephone. He was able to place his telephone call and speak with his girlfriend. He needed the phone call as things haven’t been going so well on the home front. The telephone call did cheer him up.

This morning was a change of routine as I was to go across to the other yard with my fellow instructors to assist the old “Coach” with his PFT class. The old Coach was able to secure the proper signatures as we met him outside of his office. He took us across to the other side where it was like old times. First we met the instructors on this yard and if first impressions mean anything they seem like good guys. I was able to speak with one of the instructors who is also waiting to go to fire camp. As it turns out he is waiting to go to the same fire camp that I want to attend in Southern California. He finished all his training requirements back in September but had a medical issue which was subsequently cleared in January. This means he has been waiting 3 months for his transfer. I asked why is it taking so long and he told me the fire camp has a new Sergeant who discovered the fire camp’s racial make-up was out of balance. Apparently, inmates from my race are taking between 3 and 4 months for a transfer because the Sergeant is trying to rectify the racial in balance. I do know an inmate who was transferred to this fire camp last week who was of my race and had only been waiting one month.

Now, I don’t know what the truth really is since the old “Coach” gave me the same speech of racial balance that this Instructor was giving me. I am not sure if this information is coming from the same source (“Coach”) or for that matter what I should believe. If I have to wait between 3 and 4 months for a transfer to this fire camp I will select another fire camp. There are a few fire camps in the area of where I used to live in Southern California. The key for me is to get there as soon as possible so I can be with my family as soon as possible. This fire camp in Southern California would have worked out perfectly since it is the closest one to where my friend’s live, however; there are 3 others not that much further away. I need to understand where I stand and if I can’t get to this fire camp within a month I need to select a different fire camp. Hopefully, on Thursday my wife will have more information when she speaks with the Captain. I realize these events are out of my control but I need all the facts so I can come up with an alternative plan if need be. I am positive everything will workout for the best because it has so far to this point.

Open the Can of Worms!

I have now established a new routine for the weekend day (which was yesterday) that I have afternoon yard. I start out the day just like any other day by going to breakfast and returning back to the dorm. Since I must stay inside the dorm all morning I try to make the best of my time. Yesterday I finished up my writing for the week which took a little over an hour. At this point I had all morning to myself. A few of my dorm mates were in the television area watching the new movie. I have stated in the past I don’t care much to watch TV let alone a movie which changes every week. The name of this week’s movie was “Pulse” and I had never heard of it and had no idea what it was about. I passed on watching it. As a side note there is one member of my dorm who always looks forward to the new “state” movie which airs on Fridays and Mondays. The movie which airs on Friday will be shown until Sunday. While the movie aired on Sundays runs all the way until Friday. Each Friday and Sunday morning this dorm mate is the first one in the television area waiting for the movie to air. It doesn’t matter what the movie is, he is always there. This is the highlight of his week which in and of itself is very sad. Oddly this dorm mate does not watch much television but he is ready for the first run of the new movies.

I have been going fairly strong with exercising over this past week for a number of reasons. Exercising does allow me to relieve any stress and with my hopeful transfer to fire camp and new “Coach” there have been a few stresses this week. I am not sure but it has been a while since I took an entire day off from exercising. I need to be careful not to over do it or injure myself. I have mentioned my hip a few times and there is a slight twinge but as I exercise any semblance of pain disappears. It does help immensely to pass the time very quickly and yes, the morning went by very fast. I finished in time for a quick clothes washing section and hung the clothes over the post on my bunk as the clotheslines are still not permitted. Then I had a PB&J sandwich for a very light lunch as I still had more exercising in the afternoon.

The yard opened yesterday afternoon and my earlier exercising opened up more time for me in the yard. I was able to participate in the telephone sign up selection. Once again my ID card was pulled very quickly and I was able to get a desirable time. However, there is one telephone which I try to stay away from since it works terribly. I can hear fine on this telephone but the person I am speaking with can barely hear me so I have to scream. This telephone has been like this for several months yet it has not been fixed. The sign up selection is done at random and so is the assignment of the telephone. The bad telephone is #5 and as I sign up the clerk was putting me into this slot. This has happened before and usually I mention to the inmate if I could please have another telephone and they change to another telephone. Yesterday, the clerk must have been in a bad mood because he did not even acknowledge me as he wrote my name down in the #5 slot even though I must have said, “Please can I have another telephone” at least 4 times. Unfortunately, I have telephone #5 tomorrow at 3:30 pm and this telephone is extremely frustrating because I cannot be heard. Also, placing the call through the Bail Bonds Company makes the audio of the call lower and having a conversation on phone #5 is very difficult. Maybe the telephone has been fixed although I doubt it very much. I have no choice so I will give it a try tomorrow.

Dinner time was fast approaching and again the menu was favorable for me with rice and black eyed peas along with cornbread. I most certainly attended dinner in the dining hall and had huge portions of each along with 2 slices of corn bread. Needless to say I was extremely full from this dinner and finished eating for the day. I made my way back to the dorm and spent the rest of the evening listening to the radio all night long. I was able to listen to the audio broadcast of “60 minutes” and interestingly enough one of the stories was about Dennis Kozlowski the incarcerated CEO of Tyco Industries. This man is currently serving a prison sentence of 8 to 25 years for basically stealing 100’s of millions of dollars from the company. I am not exactly up on all of his charges on the case but from what I heard his charges could not have come at a worse time because the Enron and WorldCom scandals were happening as well. Unlike the executives indicted in the Enron scandal, Mr. Kozlowski is in a New York State prison where as the Enron Executives are in a Federal Prison. In terms of “doing time” for a white collar criminal the Federal system is the way to go but Mr. Kozlowski’s charges was a New York State matter. The interview was conduced inside the New York State Prison. It wasn’t an earth-shattering interview as he is appealing his case and said very little. However, he did mention something about sleeping in prison and how he keeps waking up every hour and wondering is it is all a dream. I felt this same way in my first 30 days while I was in the County Jail. Soon after leaving the County Jail I realized this is my temporary reality and not a dream. I still wake up several times each evening but I no longer expect to wake up next to my wife and see my children come into the room. All of this has been temporarily suspended for the next year. I don’t nearly have the time Mr. Kozlowski has but I completely understand his emotional state. I do know that as long as I stay in recovery and remain positive each and everyday I will wake up with my wife next to me and see my children come into the room very soon.

The PFT Plus class went by very fast which was good because I needed to see the old “Coach”. I went in to see if he had spoken to the Captain on Friday. Unfortunately he hadn’t as the Captain was not in. I am at a loss as to what to do from here. I really don’t want to pressure the "Coach” as he can really assist in my transfer but I want to know if he is going to do that. In my heart I believe he will help me but my brain is telling me something else. Unfortunately, I didn’t have any further information and now I just wait. I really have to believe the old “Coach” will help me and my departure to fire camp will come sooner as opposed to later. He is a decent person and unless I am completely misjudging him, his intentions are genuine.

What is Really Going On?

When I heard about the fourth member of my class transferring, I wondered what really was going on. I needed to talk with the old coach but had to wait until the morning. Also, according to one of the inmates who has completed the FTP class and wants to go to the same camp I would like to go to – he had his mother call the Lieutenant at the Fire Camp and found out there are openings for members of my race “all the time”. This news made me somewhat happy yet I am still befuddled about my status. All the walks and talks ended but I was with an inmate last night whowas in my FTP class and he is older than me and has been “down” for almost 3 years. He has overcome many obstacles to get into the fire camp program and now he is in the same boat as me – we are both anxiously awaiting out transfer. He has a very interesting story as his wife and he were sentenced on the same day almost 3 years ago. She has been in the woman’s firefighting program for almost all of that time and she has 3 more months to go. Her sentence was actually longer than her husbands but because she has been involved in the fire camp program she has saved almost 18 months on her sentence. Since it has taken her husband so long to reach fire camp, he will only save 4 months and be out this time next year. As he told me all of this he seemed very calm and both of their charges had to do with drugs.

There are some amazing stories inside these prison walls and it is so easy to cast judgments on people because of being in prison. However, everyone in here is a human being first and foremost. I have serious flaws which led me here, but I am not a bad person just like this inmate I spoke with last night. Yes, he is flawed and made a mistake but I saw a husband and father, as we spoke not a convict. I hope and pray he will be all right when he is released and based on out conversations I think both he and his wife will be fine.

Banana Obtained

No one showed up for yesterday afternoon’s PFT class which is occurring more than ever. Yesterday the bottom tier – the one I reside in – had yard and notoriously the bottom tier has always had poor showings for this class. One of the reasons for the poor showing has been that the inmates who reside (not all) have a medical need. Some of the inmates are not allowed to climb stairs or climb up into a top bunk. I’m not sure of the percentage but they all reside in the bottom tier as required by the American Disabilities Act. A few years ago the California Prison System was sued because they were not in compliance with the ADA. The Prison system thought they were exempt from this Act so an inmate took then to court and won. Now the Prison system must comply with the ADA or face heavy fines from the Federal Government. Due to the medical needs of certain inmates the pool of physically able inmates who can participate in the PFT and the PFT Plus Class is limited especially for the bottom tier. I suspect no one showed up yesterday because of the new coach. However, the inmates should participate in the PFT Plus Class because it will help them in so many ways. With the new coach, I’m not sure how long these classes will be in existence with such poor show ups.

I wrote a few people regarding my transfer to fire camp. I asked the regular CO if he could call over to the fire camp transfer office to see if I was indeed dedicated to the fire camp in Southern California. He told me every time he has called over there no one answers so he gave me the names of the captains in charge and suggested I write them which is what I did. I filled out a “request for transfer” slip. I have had mixed results with internal correspondence in the past. Some officials respond quickly and others never respond. I am still awaiting a response about all the mail I need to ship and it has been over 2 weeks. Hopefully, I will be able to send out all my mail and not have to take it to fire camp. I am still amazed when I look at the laundry bag filled with all of the mail I have received in the last 8 months. One of the inmates said to me, “I won’t get that much mail in the whole 5 years I will be here!” I am truly blessed.

Last night I was catching up on current events and I wonder if President Bush is counting down his days in the White House as I am counting down my days when I am with my family? I’m not sure if the term beleaguered is accurate in describing the events surrounding President Bush but it seems he is having a tough go is to say the least. I finished listening to the newscast and it was time to turn in for the evening. I didn’t have any dreams that I remembered and I did wake up a few times during the night especially when the flashlight came through.

At breakfast, once I saw the banana on my tray, I thought long and hard (I really have nothing to think about!) about how I could get it out of the dining hall since the “Fruit Nazi” is not stationed there. I didn’t know too much about the CO who was standing at the exit. Some of them don’t check for fruit and others are very thorough. I had my hat and thought about placing the banana in it but that didn’t work yesterday as it was an easy target for the Fruit Nazi. I could have stuffed the banana down my shirt, but I really had my back to the CO at the other door and I was worried someone would see me. I decided to use my hat which I placed on the table over the banana which I then moved to my lap in one motion. As the hat and banana sat on my lap, I very discreetly placed the banana in the waistband of my sweatpants and made sure my sweatshirt covered it. This sounds better than having a banana down my pants! As I was walking toward the door, I saw the CO checking inmates as they departed the dining hall. I thought I was going to get caught and thought of just throwing the banana out. I decided to take a chance and walked up to the CO where I received my lunch and walked out the door without having been checked. I successfully obtained the banana! Score one for me!! I know this probably sounds foolish but this is a by-product of my environment. In order for me to eat fruit either I have it for breakfast or try to take it out of the dining hall and eat it when I want to. This is the only fruit I receive each and everyday. There is a diabetic in my dorm who receives an evening snack of an apple, 2 peanut butter packets, and a bag of cheese nips. He sells this for one soup and I have bought them before, but I only eat one apple and peanut butter while giving away the cheese nips. Also, sometimes the apples are not so good. Of course, all of this is coming to an end very soon as the conditions at fire camp are much better.

Speaking of conditions here at SCC, if the current water usage continues, we will have to implement emergency procedures. Part of these is turning off the toilets. Yes, that is correct, we will no longer be able to use the toilets. Supposedly, the prison will bring in port-o-potties and will line the yard with them. Of course we will need an unlock to use these which will supposedly happen every hour on the hour. I sure hope I am long gone before this happens.

Clothesline Saga

On Monday morning the new Lieutenant on the yard did a sweep of the dorms looking for clotheslines. I was out in the yard at the time of the sweep. I was very fortunate because I have an attentive Bunkie who took down the clotheslines prior to the inspection. Some of my dorm mates were not as fortunate. Normally the clotheslines are cut off and that is the end of it. However, the Lieutenant has started to write up inmates with clotheslines. This is called a CDC 115 which is a disciplinary action. It can be administrative or serious. The administrative variety is preferred because it only entails hours of community service doing prison clean up. A serious 115 is not good for anyone hoping to get to Fire Camp. This can delay the process up to 90 days. I would have thought having a clothesline hanging would be an administrative 115. However, the lieutenant has different ideas. These were the serious ones and 9 of my dorm mates were to receive them. Somehow the write-ups never got processed for anyone in my dorm so they dodged a bullet especially those waiting for Fire Camp. Needless to say, I no longer have a clothesline hanging from my bunk and now my clothes hang from the ends of my bunk.

On the subject of Fire Camp, three members of my race from the same FTP class have been transferred this week. They all had outside influences helping them arrive at the Fire Camp of their choosing. One of them was a previous Instructor and according to him, the old coach didn’t expedite his transfer. He took matters into his own hands and got the transfer. Quite frankly, I am disappointed (not devastated) that I wasn’t transferred this week and I really thought the old coach was going to help me. Unfortunately, it is now difficult to speak with him because he is on the other yard.

I really believed the coach’s influence would assist my transfer, but now I am having doubts so last night I implemented Plan B. I wrote a letter to the Associate Warden whom I met last month as part of the protein drink saga. In the letter I mentioned the discussion about the doctor stating that I should be transferred to Fire Camp as soon as possible. I subtly asked the Associate Warden for assistance. I’m not sure if he will help me but it is worth a try. I have also written the old coach to ask if he would follow up on the information he sent to the Captain to ensure that he received it. I am doing everything in my power to ensure my information does not fall through the cracks. I am trying to cover all my options and I have asked my wife to telephone the coach, the Fire Camp Placement Captain, and the Lieutenant at the Fire Camp as a back up and also as a sphere of influence. I do know that one of the classmates who was transferred had his family call the Lieutenant in the Fire Camp directly. There are inmates who are waiting three months for a transfer and 3 of classmates were transferred within 2 weeks. I learned a long time ago that many things in life are determined by who you know and prison is no different.

Well, it finally happened – I got caught! At breakfast I was served a banana which was a bit green and needed a couple of days to ripen. I was faced with a dilemma which was - should I eat the green banana or should I try to sneak it out past the “Fruit Nazi.” He has never caught me with any fruit mostly because I don’t even try when he is on duty. Most days he does a cursory check as I walk out of the dining hall so I decided to take a chance and stuff the banana in my hat. I have done this before and have been successful in getting the banana out of the dining hall. Well, today was not successful and my eyes must have been filled with guilt as I approached him and he looked directly at the hat in my hands. He didn’t even have to say anything as I turned the banana over to him. He was almost apologetic as he took the banana from me and said, “I’m sorry, I can’t let you take the banana out.” I was finally caught by the “Fruit Nazi” and it really wasn’t so bad as he was very nice. My zeal for the banana overtook me, but there aren’t any ramifications like the clotheslines. I doubt if I will ever attempt – oh check that. I won’t ever attempt to take a piece of fruit out of the dining hall when the “Fruit Nazi “ is on duty.

Five Months in SCC

I felt a bit trapped as I walked into the coach’s office carrying the test booklets. He was accompanied by a CO form the yard and the two of them were discussing various recreational activities. The two of them discussed these at length while I waited for the coach to dismiss me. I had to interrupt the discussion since the coach seemed to forget about me. I did speak up and was finally allowed to leave. I waited for an unlock to get out of the gym which is where the coach’s office is located. This gymnasium houses 300 inmates and the coach’s office is on the second level. I looked out across the bunks and only noticed one unoccupied bunk. This meant 299 inmates live inside this gym! Cruel and Unusual – very possible? Most if not all of them are on some type of medication which makes them ineligible for fire camp. These inmates can serve their entire term being housed in the gym. I never get a good feeling when I enter this area and can’t wait to get out.

After the unlock, I headed straight over to the telephones to call my mother. I was reserving this time to call my wife but since I called her Sunday night, I used this time to call my mother utilizing the Bail Bond Company since it has been 2 weeks since I last spoke with her. We had a good conversation, but once again because of the rapid pace, I am not sure what we actually spoke abut. We did talk about my children and how well they are doing. My daughter has the State Tests this week which sounds like a big deal for the school system. I’m sure my daughter will do fine since she does very well in school. My son is not subjected to this testing since he is only in kindergarten. The conversation flew by and I had to give up the phone. It is always great to hear from my mother and I made a good decision to speak with both her and my wife.

Prior to making dinner, the mail arrived and I was blessed with three excellent letters. Oddly, none of these came from New Jersey or California. Instead they arrived from the South and the Rocky Mountains. At mail call as is the case throughout my life, I am blessed with incredible people in my life. Some of these people have always been there and have not abandoned me throughout this difficult time. Others are relatively new to my life, but they are truly dear friends. These friends have been with me every step of the way and I am eternally grateful. Reading these letters is the highlight of my day as it confirms my commitment to recovery. Each letter brightened up my day.

I was once again successful in getting through another evening. I turned in at 9:30 pm and sometimes wonder if this is pointless since it takes me until 11:00 pm when “quiet time” starts and the lights go off as to when I really fall asleep. I woke up a few times during the night when the CO’s came through the dorm and shined the flashlight in my face. My dreams seem to be on fast forward as the sequences happen very quickly and then I wake up. I wasn’t exactly eager to start the day, but the faster the morning arrives, the faster I get back to my family.

A Peanut Butter Free Day

While I was lying in my bunk yesterday morning, I set a goal. Every morning as I awake I say I am not going to gamble today and this has proven effective over the past two years. I said this to myself yesterday morning and made it through the day without placing a wager. In addition to this, I said to myself I’m not going to eat any peanut butter all day. I believe not gambling is much easier than not eating the peanut butter especially considering my current dietary options. Unbelievably, I made it through the entire day without eating any! I’m not sure how many consecutive days I have gone with eating the peanut butter, but it could have been at least two months, if not more, which is a great deal. Once again I was surprised how good tuna fish and mustard tastes and I might carry this with me when I make it out to the free world.

My old bones aren’t what they used to be because it seems I can go only a few weeks without any aches. These have returned and it is part of the long distance running. I could feel a twinge in my right hip as I ran yesterday, but the more I ran the less pain I felt. However, as I sat on my bunk all afternoon writing (what else???) I could feel the hip stiffen up. This isn’t anything major, it is just a side effect of running on poor road conditions without the benefit of good running shoes. This hip ache comes and goes. I have learned a hip stretch which helps but there doesn’t seem to be any getting around the ache. In my crazy somewhat sadistic mind, I am actually looking forward to the aches. I always seem to question myself when I don’t have an ache. I know this is crazy, but I feel I’m not doing enough when I cannot feel the effects of my run. I certainly did feel that after my 14 mile run yesterday afternoon and again this morning. However, it is perfectly fine when I start moving around. I realize the need for rest to help my old bones recover, but I also have noticed it is better for me to move around the day after a long run which assists the recovery period. I’m not insane enough to run 14 miles two days in a row, but power walking 5 miles along with a nice slow one mile jog actually helped my hip today.

In the eight months I have been here, I have learned that some of the many vitamins I have taken on a daily basis may only have served as a placebo effect on my health. I used to take a garlic supplement every day and now I realize the only effect this had was that it made me smell. I’m not sure if I will return to taking these when I am released and this should be good news to my wife since she often told me that I “stunk” of garlic! I can say that I do miss the glucosamain chondrotin tablet which did lubricate my joints. I didn’t have the aches I have had over these past few months.

In the afternoon I wandered out into the television area where my fellow inmates were watching a professional basketball game when the college basketball tournament was on at the same time. I asked in my best non- condescending voice how they could watch a seemingly meaningless professional game when the college tournament games were usually more exciting. I received responses such as “ I like the NBA better.’ Two minutes later they switched the channel!

The evening yard opened on time and I went outside. The evening was gorgeous and much like the morning with temperatures in the 60’s. I was going to call my mother since I couldn’t utilize the Bail Bonds Company and didn’t want to burden my wife with extra expenses. I dialed my mother’s number and found there was a block on her phone much like the block that was temporarily on my wife’s phone. I then called my wife and it was great to hear her voice!

After the phone call I walked with my friend as I usually do and will miss him very much when I am transferred to fire camp.

After breakfast we started the PFT Class with the new coach who seems to be the “anti-old coach” as he does everything differently. This is not my program and I have to mind my own business and respect the new coach. Speaking of respect he seems to have taken a liking to me as he asked me to assist him in his office this morning. He needed some help organizing his files and assistance with one of his computer programs. I had no problem helping him organize his files but I did reiterate my prohibition about being on a computer. He seemed to understand and he thought if he sat with me while we worked on the computer it shouldn’t be an issue. I did organize some files but the new coach is not very good at expressing what he needs as I asked him to clarify a few times. After arranging the files, he showed me a very complex Excel Spreadsheet which was created by the old coach. For the first time in over 8 months, I actually touched the keyboard on a computer! I sort of understood what he was asking but to fix what he needed would take me a few hours of dissecting the spreadsheet. He didn’t have a few hours to spend today but did say maybe when the PFT Class ends we could spend some time on the program. I sure hope I am transferred by this time which would be 2 weeks but if I’m not, I will give it my best shot.

Gorgeous Sunday Morning

I waited as long as I could to start my portion of my workout yesterday. I didn’t wait for the official end of quiet time which is 11:00 am before starting my workout. I decided to commence an hour earlier since I am not very noisy when I exercise. I have found that splitting my workout into two sessions works very well on the weekend that I have afternoon yard. This allows me ample time to sign up for the telephone which I did yesterday afternoon. I was able to secure a 3:00 pm time and the way it worked out I was going to be assigned the horrible connection once again. I quickly asked for a different telephone and the clerk satisfied my request. The telephones are frustrating enough so when I finally do get to make a phone call I would like the other party to hear what I am saying. I have gotten to a point where I know which telephone works and which do not. Also, I am no longer afraid to speak up and ask for things. Keeping a low profile is fine but there are certain circumstances where being assertive helps and yesterday I was able to secure a telephone which operates properly.

“Don’t you wish you were home with your family?” This question - actually was more of a statement - was said to me yesterday as I was waiting for a bathroom sink to become available so I could wash my sweaty workout clothes. The dorm mate who stated this to me is a very nice man who is in his early 50’s. He is having a hard time dealing with all the prison overcrowding rumors and seems to believe he is going home very shortly even though he has 2 years remaining on his sentence. After I heard this statement I smiled and thought about my response for a moment. I thought to myself of course I want to be with my family; however, at this point this is impossible so I said to him, “Yes, I would love to be with my family right now but I have another year to go so it does me no good to wish for this fantasy!”

He did seem to understand what I was getting at and I didn’t have to say anything further. I didn’t say this in a harsh tome or as a smart alec. I was very sincere since I meant what I said. Wishing, hoping, and pining away are fine to an extent as long as this is not what I do all the time. If I become preoccupied with wishes and dreams I am no longer living in reality and I am not certainly living for today. I made a mistake and this is my punishment and I understand this completely. There is an end to my sentence which is why I must ensure this is the last time I have to be in a situation like this. The only way to ensure this is to live one day at a time and recover. Recovery is not filled with wishes; it is filled with getting better each day. Each day I am getting better and at the end of this current journey I will be with my family and a much better person. Thankfully, I discovered the GA Program before starting this journey because without it I am not sure how successful I would have been. However, with it each day is a success and I know my life is better (in spite of the surroundings) now than it has ever been because I am now sane. It has taken me a long time to get to this station in my life and the only way to continue is in recovery.

The rest of the evening was spent composing letters and once again the night went by quickly. The evening sleep was filled with odd dreams but the sleep was not restful due to the warmth of the dorm. I woke a few times during the night but the “Saturday Night Clothesline Stealer” was not on duty or he was just very quiet since no clotheslines were cut down. There was some activity by my dorm mates in the early hours of the morning and what they were doing doesn’t bode well for when they get released. One of the tougher things about prison is the boredom aspect and these dorm mates were obviously bored and had time on their hands. Someone devised a way to have something they weren’t supposed to. These things have happened in the past and I suspect will continue to happen in the future. All I can say is thank God I live each day in recovery.

The Sunday breakfast was the usual “grand slam” and as I walked to the dining hall I noticed what a gorgeous Sunday morning it was. The temperature had cooled off and 7:00 am this morning it was in the upper 50’s with a slight breeze without any clouds in the sky. I spent 5 years in Southern California and the weather was superb. I am currently in Northern California and the weather is very similar which is amazing because I am 350 miles away from where I used to live. I can understand why many people move to both Northern and Southern California since there really isn’t any better weather anymore. I was born and raised in New Jersey. I spent most of my college years in Maryland. I lived in Las Vegas for 7 ½ years. As I mentioned I lived in southern California for 5 years. Out of all those places the weather was the best in California. Here it is the middle of March and shirts are a must.

No Green Today

The afternoon yesterday seemed to get hotter and hotter. The temperature inside the dorm is well over 90 degrees which was even hotter than the air temperature outside. The ceiling fans provide some relief but I swear the heat is still coming out of the ducts!

I really didn’t want to go to the dining hall for dinner as the food items for me were limited to cornbread and green beans; however, I needed some relief from the hot dorm. The air outside was cooling as the sun was setting and it was very nice. I ate the cornbread and green beans even though I was not that hungry. It was good to get outside the dorm even if it was only for a few minutes to the dining hall. Once dinner was over it was back to the dorm so I could wait for the evening yard to open. It opened 45 minutes late due to the very slow dinner feeding which has been the case lately. I was happy to be outside and now that the sun had finally set, the air temperatures had dropped into the 60’s. The evening air was perfect especially when compared to the stuffy dorm. The temperature difference between the dorm and the air outside had to be at least 30 degrees I wandered over to the telephones in order to find my friend and to also sign up for a telephone call. The last time I spoke with my wife was last Sunday so I was hoping to speak with her this Sunday. However; I was once again shutout for a sign up time as there were at least 200 inmates trying to sign up for the 77 time slots.

It seemed as everyone was outside last night especially those who were signing up for the telephone. My friend was also shutout for a sign up time. After the very lengthy sign up process was over, I walked a few leisurely laps with my friend and two other inmates. I knew the two other inmates and I didn’t mind walking with them. These two inmates are very nice guys and sometimes (actually often) I wonder how did they got to a place like this. Not many inmates express freely their circumstances of coming to a place like this so I don’t know the complete stories on these two inmates. Also, one of them is serving a very long sentence having completed 4 years with 7 more to go. Whatsoever the circumstances of his crime I don’t know, but I will say I have no right to judge anyone at anytime. I made a horrible mistake which brought me to this place. My mistake was caused by my completely out of control compulsive gambling addiction. Others inside here have committed similar mistakes brought on by addiction issues and also circumstance issues. Deep down 98% of the human population are good decent people which leaves 2% as bad people. Thankfully, the inmates I have met in the past 8 months, especially here, have all been in the 98 percentile good people who made bad mistakes.

I really didn’t want to go back inside the hot dorm and really wanted to sleep outside. Of course there were no options for me as I had to go back inside the dorm as required. Needless to say sleeping wasn’t very comfortable nor did it come easy. I tossed and turned most of the night but did manage a few hours of sleep.

Today is St. Patrick’s Day which has grown into a huge marketing success for the alcohol industry. I am one quarter Irish (my father’s mother) so Happy St. Patrick’s Day. Unfortunately I have no green clothes to wear as my colors are limited to white, grey, blue, and maroon. I won’t be wearing green today but I hope everyone stays safe and enjoys their day.

The Cycle Begins - Yet Different

The temperature reached 83 degrees yesterday afternoon and it is still the middle of March! I understand the East Coast is having a winter storm while I am overheating in the bright sunshine. I intended on calling my wife this afternoon, but as soon as I picked up the phone, I knew it was going to be a bad connection. I couldn’t get my wife and didn’t really have enough time left to call my mother.

The new coach asked me to help his clerk speak with the yard sergeant about the first day of the new PFT class. He wanted to know if early breakfast or regular breakfast was better before the class. He asked me to help because (this is an actual quote from him) “You know how to talk to people.” I guess this was a compliment and I had no problem helping out. The sergeant was not around so we decided to have regular breakfast on the first day and early breakfasts on the subsequent days. I had another interaction with the new coach as I was working out on the Harvard Wall. He came up to me and asked about an inmate who was on the waiting list to become an Instructor. I didn’t have much information but I did know this inmate took the instructor’s test 6 times before finally passing which to me shows very good determination. I told the new coach about this and he decided to give the inmate a try as a temporary Instructor. I thought this was a very good decision.

The mail still takes between 13 and 17 days to reach me. However, I did receive the Time Magazine on a Thursday instead of on a Monday.

The cycle of the PFT Class was starting again but with the new coach I had a feeling it would be very different. Today was Day One and it was the new coach’s first day on this yard. I really shouldn’t make comparisons between the old and the new coach, but I really can’t help it. The old coach was highly organized and made everything seem less difficult. The new coach is not exactly organized and makes everything so complicated. The entire morning was a “bumpy road.” I have given up making any suggestions because they fall on deaf ears.

The old coach truly cared about the well being of the students and I don’t get this feeling from the new coach. And, when he speaks there is a lot of “I” this and “I” that. Also, the new coach likes to confide in me with inappropriate remarks about the old coach and I just nod and say “Oh” over and over again. I sure hope my time here is short and I get the transfer to fire camp soon because I enjoy the exercise part of my job, I’m not too crazy about the “political” part and lack of organization. I enjoyed working for the old coach because he was genuine and I don’t really get that feeling from the new coach. The PFT Class began at 8:00 am and ended at 12:30 pm. With the runs and the calisthenics, the class should have taken 50 minutes and instead, due to the unorganized nature of the coach, it took 4 ½ hours! I know the Instructor position will live on after I am long gone but it is changing with the new coach. I fear it is changing not for the good which is ashamed because the PFT Program is an excellent program if administered properly and the results can be extraordinary.

Missing Dental Equipment

The lockdown continued all morning. However, I was summoned out into the yard at noon to help with the PFT closing ceremonies. The old coach made sure all the clothes were accounted for as the students individually counted out each piece of clothing. The new coach was as far away as he could get when the clothes were returned. Also, which I find very important was the certificates that the old coach gave out had the student’s first and last name written on them making them very personal. The new coach only had the student’s last name written which made a very special training seem so unimportant and so impersonal. This I found to be very disappointing for the students who worked so hard in the class. Also, the process of handing in the clothes took an hour whereas it should have taken 20 minutes.

After completing the ceremonies and my run, I went inside to “mail call.” I received one piece of mail from my dear mother and so enjoy her letters which always include a great letter from her and an article or two or three or more on various topics. The topic in this letter was a commentary on California’s prison overcrowding problem. It was a great article written by someone who possesses a great deal of common sense! Unfortunately, common sense and politics don’t normally coincide.

In her letter, she made a comment in regard to a picture which was sent by one of my dear friends who visited me last week. My mom stated that I really looked good and how I have great hair. It’s nice to know that prison becomes me! Seriously, I could be miserable pining away as to how I am separated from my family but there is nothing I can do about it. This is extremely my fault and I am doing my best each day to become a better person.

As an aside, the one complaint I have about my face is that underneath my eyes does not tan and I look like a raccoon! I don’t wear sunglasses so that isn’t the reason. I have a very good tan all around my face except for this small part, something must cause this?

We did not have evening yard because someone in the Dental Office could not find a piece of equipment. It was “the Case of the Missing Dental Equipment”. Apparently, whoever was responsible for this piece of equipment misplaced it somehow. In a facility the size of this I find it hard to believe any sharp item goes missing but this will be the second time in 5 months that a potentially dangerous item has been missing. The other item was a garden tool. The dental equipment was not located last night so I stayed inside the dorm.

Another dorm mate story – This one inmate is being released on parole in less than 10 days after a 4 year stay and is obviously looking forward to his release. One of the other dorm mates’s asked him what will be the first thing he does when he gets out. His response was, “I can’t wait to do donuts in my Mustang!” No mention of a girlfriend or child? A fascinating and sad comment as well that he would be most interested in a car!

I headed over to the basketball court for the PFT Plus Class to start. All the Instructors were there waiting when the old coach came out to see us. He spoke with me and the lead instructor and told us he was bringing the Instructors over from the other yard to show them the PFT Plus Class and to have them participate as students. I didn’t think this was such a good idea since the new coach wasn’t outside but I remained silent. It took the old coach about 15 minutes to get back with the Instructors. The new coach came out just a few minutes before and as soon as I saw him, I knew something was going to happen and it wouldn’t be good. As the old coach came back with the Instructors, he went to the new coach and exchanged a few words. The next thing I knew the old coach was walking off the basketball court going back toward the other yard with the Instructors. The new coach didn’t think it was a good idea for the Instructors to participate in the PFT Plus Class. I have to give credit to the old coach because he offered no argument or derogatory words and just walked off with the Instructors by saying “very well.” The new coach who was visibly shaken (he was trembling) by the exchange said a few words to us such as, “I’m sorry you witnessed that” and “You guys understand.” I most certainly didn’t understand because the whole incident was absurd. Okay, the old coach should have consulted the new coach prior to the class. However, the old coach was tied up getting all the necessary signatures from the administration to allow Instructors on this yard. This took time and because of it he couldn’t consult with the new coach. All in all it was a very silly event and some people can be short-sided. Unfortunately, what should be a cohesive program (PFT) is dysfunctional at best and we inmates are in between.

A Few Prison Tales

These stories are true and illustrate the fickle reality of prison. The first tale is about one of my dorm mates who is or shall I say “was” enrolled in the FTP Class. This was his second time in the class. The first class ended abruptly as he reached Day 4 of the 8 Day Class. He was prohibited to attend class because his race was locked down. Since he couldn’t attend class, he effectively failed or what is commonly called recycled. He had to start all over again when his race was off lock down and then he was “re-enrolled.” Also, I must mention this dorm mate started his first FTP Class prior to when I started the class. We were in two different classes – he in 69 and I was in 68. I finished on March 7th and his class was due to finish on the 9th – the day of the incident. However, on the 7th day of the 8 day class, one of the inmates made a derogatory remark to a prison worker and the Fire Captain decided to punish the entire class by NOT holding class on the scheduled 8th day which was March 9th (and also the day of the incident). This was a very damaging decision for my dorm mate because he should have been completing the class on that day and would have graduated without any problems. Due to the lockdown and not holding class, he has to begin all over again! All of the events were out of his control and he was an innocent bystander. To his credit, he handled it well and just shrugged his shoulders.

The second tale is about a conversation I had with my neighbor late yesterday afternoon. A little background first. Tuesdays are sheet and pillowcase exchange days. The cleans ones are usually passed out around lunch time. My neighbor was in the FTP Class at his time but his Bunkie was in the dorm. His Bunkie took an extra sheet from my neighbor and was going to tell him they ran out of sheets. However the person passing out the sheets saw this and confronted my neighbor’s Bunkie. Then he decided against this and placed the sheet back on the bunk. When my neighbor arrived back later in the day I overheard him, his Bunkie and the person who handed out the sheets talking about this. My neighbor then mentioned it to me as we were waiting for the door unlock. I feigned some interest but wasn’t actually concerned. About an hour later, my neighbor started talking to me about the “sheet” event and made a mistake by asking my opinion. He asked me what I thought about what his Bunkie die and whether my neighbor had the right to be upset. He did ask my opinion and I was honest by telling him it made no sense to me to get upset over whether or not his Bunkie was going to take the sheet. He then said, “It is a big deal because this is prison.” Well, that sort of set me off because I am tired of everyone saying the little things mean a great deal because this is prison. I told him it shouldn’t mean anything because it is inconsequential to anything in reality. I went on to say fights / stabbing occur in prison over such minor things - it is incredible. My neighbor is being released within the next 9 months so I said to him, “Next year at this time when you are on the outside do you think you are going to remember this sheet episode?” He didn’t respond and shook his head as if to say, “Yes, that makes sense.”

Normally, I keep my opinions to myself but yesterday my neighbor did ask and I answered. I am so tired of the “it’s prison” reason for all idiocy. Yes, it is prison and everyone does deserve respect. However, when an entire race has a 20 year feud over a pair of boots it maybe time to re-evaluate the priories. I have yet to see a fight or argument over something intelligent. It is always over something stupid. There needs to be more of the “let it go concept” inside this prison because there would be less problems. I don’t believe I overstepped my bounds because my neighbor is still talking to me and I have found myself to be more outspoken than usual.

He Made It!

After the TB test was complete, an unlock came for the PFT class where I was officially an Instructor once again. This was the first day with the new Instructor and it gave me the opportunity to encourage my friend as he was in the class. He was able to make it through the power walk and completed his run in 9 minutes.

I have seen many differences between the old coach and the new coach. At this time, I would like to add my opinion which in the grand scheme of life means nothing and hopefully within the next few weeks I won’t ever have to see this place again. However, I need to air my thoughts. I worked for 3 months under the old coach and I must say he was very consistent all throughout and all the inmates knew where they stood in terms of failing or passing. After spending only 2 hours with the new coach I recognized a huge difference between the 2 of them. The new coach seemed to want everyone to pass in the class and changed the rules all the time. It’s obvious that this new coach will become a favorite very soon. The old coach had a very rough reputation and worked us hard which is a good thing. Easy is not the best way to go as I have found out.

There are so many different types of personalities in this world and everyone was not made from the same cookie cutter. What I don’t understand in an institution like this, discipline and consistency should be prevalent. However, from what I have witnessed – in the past 8 months, it is far from it. The PFT Program has a schedule for each day and the old coach adhered to this in every class, but the new coach was more than happy to deviate from this schedule daily. I’m a person who enjoys structure and consistency which was lacking all throughout the day yesterday. The Fire Camp Program is a very important program for us and the California Department of Forestry and having properly trained inmate/ firefighters should be a requisite. The standards appeared to be tarnished yesterday. Quite frankly, I would want the inmates who have participated in the old coach’s program as opposed to the new coach.

I was concerned for my friend during the test; however, he did very well and I congratulated him on his performance. He just had the hang left which the new coach left for tomorrow. The class was released and I had an hour left of yard time. I decided to pass on the exercises and wanted to follow up with my friend. I found him sitting outside the dorm and I sat down next to him and we talked. I mostly congratulated him and encouraged him for this morning. He was genuinely grateful for my help and I was genuinely grateful to lend my assistance. Over one month ago, my friend could barely run one lap and yesterday he not only ran 3 laps in 9 minutes, he power walked 12 laps as well. He came a long way in a short period of time. The human body and mind are very special and are capable of anything given the right tools.

The evening yard opened last night and I was hoping to get a haircut in the barbershop. The front of my hair is too long and I can feel it hanging in my eyes. I made my way over to the barbershop and asked the CO if I could get an unlock and he said, “No, because there wasn’t a barber of my race on duty.” Yes, racism carries over in all facets of prison life even cutting hair. As I was walking to find my friend, I met up with my dorm mate who is an Instructor. I told him about not being able to get my hair cut and he volunteered to cut it. At first, I declined because I didn’t know if he was an experienced barber (he was not!). However, he assured me he could do it. I thought, “why not?” If it was a terrible haircut my hair would grow back. We walked over to the barbershop and told the CO that I found a volunteer to cut my hair, but he wouldn’t let us in because only scheduled barbers were allowed and no volunteers. The barbershop here is another one of those “pains” and hopefully the situation will be better when I reach fire camp.

My friend had to make a phone call to his mother for her birthday so he was not around and I decided to go back to the dorm a little earlier than usual. I listened to “U2” on a CD and went to sleep.

The yard is once again under lockdown so the releases for dinner and breakfast have been modified. The PFT class was delayed by an hour and a half. After I warmed up the class with a series of stretches, the new coach tested 4 individuals at a time. With the old coach, he would have tested half the class first and then the rest of the class right after that. The class did the 60 second hang which was not done yesterday. It seemed as though the new coach wanted to stretch things out a bit. What should have taken 3 minutes took 30 minutes. Anyhow, my focus was on my friend and as he approached the bar, I encouraged him with a “You will do this” statement. Guess what? He did do it and made the 60 seconds on the hang. This meant he passed the class. The new coach didn’t tell each individual whether he had passed or failed which the old coach would have done. He was going to post a list later with the names of those who passed which I found to be quite unusual. When the list was posted, my friend did pass and it was official.

When he saw his name, he came over to me and gave me two big hugs and thanked me profusely for my help! It was my pleasure and now my friend moves on to the wildfire firefighting training in the next few weeks. I was very proud of him and he was rightfully proud of himself. I even told my friend, he would have passed with the old coach as well. It was a good day for my friend and I was so happy for him!

Officially Back

It was an absolutely gorgeous afternoon yesterday. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky, no wind, and the temperature was in the upper 70’s. As soon as I walked outside into the yard I was embraced with the warmth of the sun. Normally, this type of weather would invigorate me and want me to exercise even more. However, yesterday, it had the opposite effect and all I wanted to do was enjoy the bright sunshine. I had an early telephone call scheduled at 1:15 so I could call my wife and children.

The phones were working and I was able to speak with her and children. They sounded as if they were enjoying a leisurely Sunday afternoon watching a movie. Both my children sounded very well and I missed spending the leisurely Sunday afternoon with them so very much. As I said good-bye to my son, I told him that I missed him. Then he said in his oh so cute voice, “I miss you MORE!” I had to laugh when I heard this since it was so adorable. I’m not sure if my son could possibly miss me more than I miss him, but it was wonderful to hear him say that. He is quite the character and what I wouldn’t give to be with him and the rest of the family right this minute. I realized this isn’t possible at this time, but within one year I will be with them.

There was another moment that I was thinking about my son yesterday prior to the telephone call. The new movie “Cars’ came on the prison movie channel. I saw it in the movies with my son and all I could think about was how he sat on my lap for the entire movie. I couldn’t watch it on TV because I don’t like watching in this place and all I could think about was how happy my son and I were while sitting in the movies watching. It really is bittersweet since I have some wonderful memories and know everything is going to be great when I return. However, I need to stay focused on today which is really all I have in order to maintain my recovery. It is difficult but not impossible on days like yesterday when so many things remind me of my wonderful family. I try to maintain a positive attitude as best as I can. I made some changes to my quarterly package that my wife had not yet ordered. This was a good thing since I included some unnecessary items. My wife said she would be placing the order last night which could pose a little challenge especially if I get transferred to the fire camp prior to the arrival of the quarterly package. It will eventually find me and knowing how this system works, this would be a benefit since retrieving packages at the fire camp is easier. There are a little over 100 inmates whereas here there are over 4000 inmates. The retrieval at the camp should be more expeditious. Whatever the case I will have more of a food selection when the package arrives.

I hung up the phone and spotted my friend and we walked another lap before his telephone call. It was time for his call which was only 15 minutes after mine and unbelievably, the telephones weren’t working. They were all out of service. I did feel bad for my friend but I was happy to get mine in on time. Maybe my timing is getting better? When they finally did come on later, my friend was able to get his phone call placed. The yard was not at all crowded because of the lockdown of one of the races due to the fight the other day. I feel badly that the whole race has to be punished because of only a few inmates but those are the rules. I remember reading an article that in Los Angeles, the county decided to change the racism policy and a very nasty widespread riot broke out which lasted for weeks. The county was forced to go back to the old rules just to keep peace.

On the way from dinner, I heard more about the incident Friday and all I can say is I just don’t understand the thinking. I returned to the dorm to take a really hot shower. It seems the warmer it gets, the hotter the shower gets. This should make for a very long and hot summer; hopefully, I will be gone to camp by then. Instead of reading or writing, I organized my locker by going through the volumes of mail I have received. I filled up a laundry bag with all the wonderful mail I have received and I was able to store all my food in my locker. I had some food in a laundry bag underneath my bunk. Now I have all the mail stored in it instead. I need to send the mail to my wife because storage is becoming a problem. I have written the sergeant who is responsible for any bulk mailing and I am waiting for his response. I was amazed by the sheer volume of the letters and know I am a blessed person in so many ways. I then listened to my friend’s CD and went to sleep in order to start my first day back as an Instructor.

The early breakfast unlock was cancelled due to the follow-up of the TB testing. The testing is a 2 day process: first it is to prick and then 48 hours later the inspection of the redness arrives. Those inmates who have a mosquito like bump require further testing. Thankfully, as I write this there isn’t any bump or redness on my arm. I just received the “okay” from the nurse that I don’t have TB and yet another potential delay to fire camp has been diverted!

Strange Weekend

Early yesterday morning, I received the “ducat’ to officially reinstate my status as a PFT Instructor starting tomorrow morning. Of course, there is a possibility the race I belong to might be locked down starting tomorrow due to the incident on Friday afternoon. Apparently no decision has been rendered yet since the Captain of the yard is off duty until tomorrow. I certainly don’t want to go into lockdown because that would mean I, along with members of my race, would be relegated to the dorm for at least a few weeks. I have implemented some contingencies for this happening as I do have a very good indoor workout so I will be fine. Also, if there is a lockdown, it couldn’t have happened at a better time for me since all my training requirements have been complete for the transfer to fire camp. I will find out more tomorrow but I am not that concerned. If I am at lockdown then I will resume my normal routine as instructor – and if not –so be it.

The afternoon yard was opened only briefly for the upper tier, but as soon as it opened the alarm went off. I could see the CO’s rush to the upper tier and a few minutes later, they had two inmates in handcuffs loading them into the “hole.” They were of a different race than mine and a different race than the incident on Friday. There must be something in the air and I am strongly hoping for the transfer to fire camp quickly so I don’t have to witness any more unfortunate events. There was one thing I discovered from a fellow dorm mate regarding all this “yard drama.” I thought certain things were required of me due to my skin color. Certain things are required only if I am notified since I am over the age of 35. Apparently, I would be not be penalized if I did not do something since it was not asked of me. However, if it were asked I am required (got that?). The key phrase is “boot up”. When I hear this (which I hope I never hear), I am obligated because of the color of my skin. This was good news because I was never told of an age restriction and now I know.

The clocks went ahead last night which means today is only a 23 hour day which is always good in a place like this. In the past when I was a free man, I would change all the clocks in the house well in advance of the 2:00 am time. I would always frustrate my wife because the entire day before the clocks were to go ahead all of our clocks were already changed. Well, things have changed and yesterday I had only 2 clocks to change – my stopwatch and my watch. I did change these earlier in the day and I even confused myself as I looked at my watch and realized dinner was going to be 3 hours late. It was only 2 hours late since I forgot about the time change. Now I know how my wife felt! I was itching to change other clocks but there really aren’t many inside the dorm. I did manage to change one of my dorm mate’s clocks who is an Instructor and I changed his stopwatch without him knowing it. I did overhear him give the incorrect time and I chuckled only to tell him I had already changed his watch. He was actually grateful because he said he would have forgotten.

In honor of “Spring Forward”, I went to sleep at 9:30 which was actually 10:30 pm. It was a good thing I went to bed as early as I did because I was woken three times during the evening by the CO’s shining their flashlights as they walked through the dorm. This was the usual crew who has cut down clotheslines in the middle of the night. They didn’t do this tonight, but they did make it a point to shine the flashlight on everyone’s face as they walked through. Normally, the CO’s are in and out of the dorm within seconds ensuring everyone is in their bunk. Last night, one CO took his time illuminating the flashlight on each face. This woke me up and I watched as he seemed to take pleasure in waking everyone up at 2:00 am. I’m sure he was just doing his job as required but his method was certainly very different than the other CO’s. This went on for the rest of the night and just when I got to sleep I could hear the footsteps, keys, and feel the light of the flashlight on my face. I managed to stay in my bunk until 6:00 am and the sky was still dark due to the time change. My dorm mates did not do well with this change and many of them were still asleep as the unlock came for breakfast which was even 20 minutes later than usual.

Once again, the CO who gave me a hard time last week was on duty and I made it a point to ask for the vegetarian tray. I am having no problems whatsoever. The walk back to the dorm was more quiet than usual and the unlock arrived very timely. No one in my dorm seems to know what is going on and really only time will tell.

As I looked out into the yard, I did see members of my race, but not members of the other race which were involved in the incident Friday afternoon. This was good news for me because it means I can have a normal program starting tomorrow morning as I go back to being an Instructor under the new coach. I am all for a normal program but I have learned to be flexible since things seem to change quickly and nothing is for certain.

(Typist’s note –a little concerned here since Monica hasn’t talked to Paul all week)

Eerily Quiet

During afternoon yard, I went directly to the telephone sign-up area in order to obtain a time for Sunday afternoon to call my wife. The process takes much longer than it did when I first arrived; what used to take 20 minutes now takes 40 minutes. The prison has to be completely filled with overflow bunks inside the gym. On Wednesday one of my dorm mates was transferred to a fire camp and by the time I got back in the afternoon, his bunk was filled. There were empty bunks but now there are none to be found. I wonder if there is a “busy season” for the prisons because over the past month, they have been busy bringing people in.

After signing up for the telephone, I stood with my friend. I noticed his eyes started to lose focus almost as if he was going to fall asleep. I asked him if he was okay and he assured me he was, but he was tired since he had taken two muscle relaxers. The end of the PFT class cannot come soon enough for him and hopefully he will hold together until next Tuesday.

The alarm sounded while I was in the yard doing my workout. Most of these are false alarms but I can now figure out when they are real; when I see the CO’s running in unison to a specific area I know it is real. Some of the CO’s are not in the greatest shape and when they run, I worry whether they will make it to their destination or whether they will have a heart attack. This time they raced to the dorm directly above mine which was unusual. Three inmates were taken out in handcuffs and I later found out that members of two different races had a fight inside the dorm. One of the races was the same race I am categorized in. From the accounts I heard, it didn’t seem like a fair fight because the sides weren’t equal and someone pulled a razor. I didn’t notice anyone bleeding as the CO’s took them out of the dorm so it couldn’t have been that bad. However, anytime a weapon is used it doesn’t sit well for a “normal program.” Because of this dinner, was delayed 2 hours and the release of the dorms was two at a time.

I finished the John Grisham book which was an excellent novel – a little far fetched but really good - and went to sleep. I had a very uneasy sleep and awoke several times and even had a few dreams. Normally, I am encouraged by these dreams but my sleep didn’t feel deep enough for dreams yet I still had a few. The dreams centered around my family – specifically my father. The dream wasn’t bad nor was it good it was somewhere in between, I won’t go into specifics but I will say the message from the dream was that my father certainly cares about me. I lay in my bunk until after 6:00 am as I had nowhere to go and I had a feeling breakfast would be delayed due to the incident yesterday.

As I arrived at the dining hall, the CO who gave me such a hard time earlier in the week was there. When I requested the vegetarian tray, there was no problem from him, he didn’t ask for the card, was very accommodating, and requested the tray for me! I thanked him and headed for the table. I guess this is a way to keep me off balance because I don’t get it! The consistencies of the inconsistencies continue to amaze me!

Walking back to the dorm around the track after breakfast was eerily quiet. It was almost frightening quiet. Normally, there are a few hundred inmates returning to their dorms at this time but there were only 30 or more. It was very strange to say the least and something is in the air. As we arrived inside our dorms, the clotheslines on all the bunks had been cut down by the CO’s. This same thing happened yesterday as my clothesline was cut down. Usually, I take all the clothes off before going to breakfast and the clothesline remains unharmed. However, yesterday I took the clothes off but the line was cut anyway. Apparently, a directive had been given to the CO’s to cut down any lines during the breakfast hour. This morning I not only took the clothes off but I detached the clothesline and hid it under my pillow. My dorm mates weren’t as fortunate and had to make new ones. Making a clothesline is not that difficult but it requires a plastic bag and our supply of the bags is limited. It appears I will be detaching the clothesline on my bunk each morning before going to breakfast in order to save it.

Due to the commotion yesterday, the mail was not delivered until this morning which brought me 4 pieces of mail – one was the Time Magazine – and 3 letters. I received information regarding Delancey Street from my mother and it sounds like an outstanding facility for ex-convicts. It is a fantastic concept which has been in operation over 30 years. I was very impressed with the literature.

Today was the annual TB testing for all the inmates and the medical staff was out in the yard pricking everyone for the test. I will know the results on Monday for today’s test. The testing was completed before noon but the afternoon yard was never opened. I have no idea of whether the incident of yesterday had any bearing on the yard being closed in the afternoon, but I’m sure I will find out shortly. The afternoon was extremely quiet with no activity whatsoever inside and outside the dorm. Eerily quiet is the best term to describe the atmosphere all day. Hopefully, this is not the “calm before the storm” and is the “calm after the storm.”

What Would I Do?

Since I was unassigned I spent the day inside reading and writing. The mail call came and brought me a very nice letter from another incredible long-standing member of GA. Each letter brings joy to my day and I am blessed to know some great individuals. I decided to immediately respond to this letter because it did touch me in so many different ways. Life in recovery is outstanding.

When I got back to evening yard, one of my dorm mates was discussing his parole conditions since he is scheduled for release in less than 30 days. He is a multiple time offender and has been on parole 3 other occasions. His parole is now categorized as “high control” which means he is subject to more scrutiny from the Parole Officers. Also, he is subject to a few drug tests each month. This dorm mate was perplexed as to why he was put on “High Control” status and said (this is an actual quote form him) “I only killed a man so I don’t understand why I was put on High Control.” He was serious when he made this statement and in defense of him (if there can be a defense) his charge is manslaughter. According to him, he didn’t directly kill the man, they got into a fight and during the fight, the other man was struck by a car and died. That is not much of a defense and the fact of the matter is someone did die and judging by this dorm mate’s behavior, it really is a good thing he is being put on “High Control” status because he needs it.

There are other factors of his case such as drug addiction and the fight between himself and the other person was drug induced on both parties. Certainly not an excuse but a mitigating factor in his behavior. The dorm mate received the same sentence I did – 4 years serving 2. He was not eligible for fire camp since his crime contained violence so he has served all 2 years. I’m not going to make a comparison between our two cases because I want to move beyond this and the Justice System makes no sense. Oddly enough, this dorm mate is quite a character and hopefully he can get his act together so he doesn’t come back. I wish him well and hope he finds a program of recovery.

As I lay down to sleep, I was faced with a decision regarding the morning. I didn’t receive the ducat which would have reinstated me as a PFT Instructor. However; I still had my uniform and could conceivably go outside for the PFT class. The uniform would allow me entrance into the “old coach’s” office and I was itching to speak with him to confirm that he received my information. There is another twist to this; the “old coach” and the new coach don’t get along and I didn’t want to put myself in the middle of these two. I needed to see the “old coach” without the new coach knowing. I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to speak with the “old coach” on my first day with the new coach there. (I hope this isn’t too confusing) What would I do? I didn’t have an answer as I went to sleep. When I woke up for the third time that night, I made my decision which was to get dressed in my Instructor uniform, go to early breakfast, try to see the “old coach” and join the PFT class. I though this was a good decision.

As the PFT class was lining up, the new coach was outside already. I went over to him and he told me I couldn’t start today since he didn’t get a chance to process my paperwork. He apologized and said if I were to get injured while not technically an Instructor, he could get into trouble. I certainly understood and he told me the paperwork should be processed today.

Then the new coach went over to speak with the Lead Instructor. As he did this, I noticed the door was opened to the gym which is where the “old coach’s” office is located. This was a good time to make my way in because I was wearing my PFT uniform which would allow me to get by the CO at the door. I walked right up to the door and without losing stride, I said to the CO standing there, “I need to see the coach.” I didn’t give her a chance to respond as I kept walking into the gym to the “old coach’s” office. I was very happy to see him as I knocked on the door. He told me to come in and knew why I was there. Without me even asking, he told me he received my information yesterday and has forwarded it to the Captain in charge of placement at the fire camp. I took this as good news and the coach wished me well. I thanked him and told him it was a pleasure working for him and we parted ways. This is all I could ask for and the “old coach” has done his part. I am hoping this expedites my transfer to fire camp but only time will provide me the answer. It does appear that I will get to the camp in Southern California; the only question is will it be sooner or later? There is nothing more I can do other than wait.

My Part Is Done

I had to return my “Oranges” back into Laundry since I completed the training. The next time I will be in the “oranges” will be at fire camp. On the way back from the dining hall, the alarm went off and we all had to lie down on our stomachs as two inmates were fighting across the yard. I’m not sure if I can constitute what they were doing as fighting because as I looked across the yard, it appeared each of them were running away while shadow boxing. Neither one was close enough to the other to connect with a punch. It was like watching a poorly choreographed boxing match where the participants are prohibited from throwing a real punch. The CO’s were running to where this poor dance was going on. One of the participants was taken down with a baton to his leg and the other just gave up. They were both handcuffed and taken to the “hole.” I was somewhat impressed that someone noticed this pseudo fight because it looked more like horseplay than anything else. In fact, the regular CO commented that he was too busy laughing at these two that he didn’t do anything to break it up. The yard was only closed down for 10 minutes until the proper paperwork was filled out.

Back inside the dorm, I stayed on my bunk writing and reading all night long. Prior to going to dinner, I wrote to the coach and also the Trainer for the Facilitator Class that I took in January. I am doing everything in my power now that my part is over since I have fulfilled all the requirements for fire camp. There isn’t much more I can do and now I am relying on others to expedite the process. There’s no guarantee that I will get to the fire camp of my choice but after 6 months I will be eligible for what is called a “good guy” transfer to a fire camp of my choice. For now it is sit and wait; time will provide the answers.

I fell asleep after 10:00 pm because I was reading THE BRETHREN by John Grisham. I had a decent night’s sleep only waking up once. I dreamt which I always find a good sign. It wasn’t particularly a good dream since it involved people I used to work with and unfortunately due to my crimes I did wrong to many of these people. The dream had to do with these wrong-doings but some of the people actually supported me while others did not. At least my sub-conscious is processing these things and I can reach a deep enough sleep to dream.

After breakfast a former Instructor went to see the coach about a transfer and was kind enough to mention my name. The coach just needed some particulars such as name, prison number, ethnicity, FTP class and which fire camp. He would make the telephone call and recommend us to the fire camp. Based on the last 3 instructors, it took a month which would be fine with me. However, as of right now, there are other inmates who have completed the FTP class and are of the same race as me who have been waiting three months.

As the morning yard opened, I had two things I needed to do which involved the two coaches. I dropped off my information sheet and also put one in the inter-office mail leaving nothing to chance. The second thing I had to do was see the new coach and give him a similar sheet so I can be reassigned as an Instructor. He did inform me that he is bringing me back as an Instructor with the possibility of starting tomorrow. Life continues to amaze me as to how things work out. Prior to switching of the coaches, the old coach told me he wouldn’t take me back as an instructor because he thought I would be transferred to fire camp quickly and he wanted to give other inmates who wanted to be an Instructor a chance to do so. I certainly hope the old coach is correct about the swift transfer but now with the new coach, I have the best of both worlds. I am able to get my old job back and even if I’m here another month, at least I will keep the same routine. Life and this journey does work out for the best.

Once again it was a beautiful day and it appears we are headed for an early summer. The temperature was in the low 70’s and in the next few days it is supposed to be in the low 80’s. It’s hard to believe that it just snowed last week.

Another Step Complete

As I entered the “Strip Shack” yesterday afternoon, I thought to myself only one more day I had to put with the humiliation. Actually, on my 7th day of going through this I no longer view it as degrading, it is just a necessary evil of my situation. It is good to know I only have one more of these to put up with. I went through the unlock and quickly got into the shower before the water was turned off.

In the evening I decided to stay in the dorm because I had more writing to do (it sure seems that I do a great deal of it!) I sent a message over to my friend letting him know I wasn’t coming out. I did lay low last night and stayed on my bunk writing the entire evening. If these days are any indication of what fire camp is going to be like then this is a good thing because the days go by so fast. I wrote the blog and also wrote a letter to a dear friend. The dear friend sends me incredibly insightful letters and each time I receive one I feel honored that he is my friend. The evening went very fast and it was time for bed.

After breakfast I saw the coach and decided to go over and talk to him. I was going to do this tomorrow but the timing seemed right this morning. I needed to ask him if I could come back as an Instructor. There are many unknowns such as how long it will take to get to fire camp; also, as I complete the FTP training, I am subject to reassignment which could lead to a job which I wouldn’t care for very much such as a kitchen worker or dorm porter. I would rather do something I enjoy such as the Instructor rather than be assigned to a “nothing” job. I approached the new coach and asked if I could come back. He was extremely nice and he said, “I don’t see why not,” and also spoke of a different position involving recreation. I told him I was up for anything involving exercise. He mentioned typing and computer skills and I told him my skills are very good, but I am not eligible to work on a computer due to the matter of my crimes. This didn’t seem to bother him in the least and said that my working on a computer isn’t a problem if he is there with me. It appears I can come back as an Instructor or something close to that. I will go tomorrow to start the paperwork and hopefully I will be able to start the beginning of next week. I was very pleased with the conversation and this new coach was almost “too nice.”

The FTP classes were being announced and thankfully mine was not cancelled. I exited through the gate and had 2 more gates to get through before it was truly official. We were checked through the first gate and the all important second gate leading to the fire fighting training center was looming large. The gate clicked opened and we all proceeded through it towards the CCV. It was now official because we all made it outside the gate for the all important 8th day of training which is graduation day! I could hear a collective sigh of relief as the last man in our class came through the gate. Everyone (especially me) was happy!!

All of us in the class thought we were going to have a very easy last day. However, the Swamper had other ideas. This was his last class to go hiking and oh boy did we hike! He played it very coy on the previous hikes calling them walks which in my opinion were just walks – not hikes. The Swamper took us on a hike which was aptly named “Breathless” and everyone in the class was out of breath. This was a very challenging hike which became more challenging when some of my classmates decided to run their mouths. As soon as the Swamper heard their snide comments he had the entire class hike back down to the bottom and start all over again. We were about a quarter of the way up before we went back down. Again, these classmates could not hold their tongues and shot off their mouths after we were halfway up so the Swamper had us go back down once again. At this point some tempers were flaring between classmates. I tried to keep the peace and cooler heads did prevail. During the other hikes, we had to stay in “hook line order” and couldn’t pass the person in front of us. On this hike we were allowed to pass anyone in front since many of my classmates were having a hard time. I could feel my breathing but I kept putting one foot in front of the other as I reached the top. I will do alright on these hikes and will be able to do the laborious work. Actually, I look forward to long hikes especially if it involves going up some steep terrain.

When the class reached the top, the Swamper wasn’t done with us yet. He took us down two more trails – “Blair’s Witch” and “Dirty Bird” (although I didn’t notice any dirty birds). After the hike, we ate lunch on a beautiful vista overlooking the entire valley where I thought of my family as I took in the view and savored every minute. Life is much too short not to enjoy and time moves so quickly which is why I now enjoy every moment so much more than ever before.

The ride back to the center took about 45 minutes which wasn’t nearly long enough since it was my last day of “freedom” until I am transferred to fire camp. Our final assignment was to wash the CCV, gloves, and chin straps. When our task was complete, we stood in line as the Captain handed out our certificates for fire camp. After 4 ½ months I have finally completed all the necessary training requirements for fire camp and can be transferred at any time. It has been a long road and I still have a way to go but I am well on my way.

I walked back inside the prison gates a very happy man. The “Strip Shack” loomed ahead but I didn’t care; it was the last time. I entered – stripped, was searched, dressed and was on my way back to the yard. I found out there was a new shower schedule where the hours were cut from 6 to 4 hours a day. “Bird Baths” are prohibited and disciplinary actions will be taken. I haven’t broken any rules since I arrived in prison 8 months ago and I am not about to start. A few hours being dirty is doable and as long as I wash up before going to dinner I will be fine. I can say one thing for certain; the transfer to fire camp can’t come soon enough.

One More Day

I spent the absolutely beautiful morning yesterday doing 1000 push-ups (typist’s note – holy sh. . and that’s not a typo, it is one thousand!!!!!! Good grief!). I had an excellent workout and afterward saw a few of my friends who were participants in the PFT class. My one friend didn’t look very good and he said his legs were hurting him especially his hip. It was a good thing I gave him some Ibuprofen the other night because he really needed some. He was able to get through the class but his body was hurting. I told him to go back to the dorm and asked if he needed any help. He assured me he didn’t and went on his way. I was a bit concerned and checked on him in the afternoon. Much to my surprise, he was outside walking around. He made a remarkable recovery in a few short hours. However, this was induced by medication – muscle relaxers. Amazingly, there are so many items available to the inmates if we seek them out, and one of those items is prescription medication. I’m not sure where my friend obtained these but anything is available for a price. I think he paid $1.50 for 2 tablets (seems like a good price?). I told him to use them sparingly over the next few weeks.

After exercising, I headed to the phones to call my wife. I was able to get through the Bail Bonds Company and the very nice woman who always seems to answer the phone said to me that it has been awhile since I called. It has and I am very glad this company has been very accommodating over these past 8 months. She patched me through to my wife and I was also able to speak with my son and daughter. Each time I speak with them I can “hear” them growing up. My son’s speech continues to get better and better. My daughter is 9 years old and seems to be going on 18 years of age. My daughter referred to the brief snow storm they had as a “snow squall”. Both of them are staying active through the many activities my wife has enrolled them in and life goes on. My wife gave me some more news as her life goes on and I was very happy to hear it. My life inside here may at times seem to be suspended in a temporary state but I know life for my family continues to move forward. Things are going very well for them and I am blessed with such a wonderful family.

As I was working out on the Harvard Wall I was listening to the radio and heard two Public Service Announcements for Problem Gambling sponsored by my friends at the California Council for Problem Gambling. They were full 30 second spots and very professionally produced. I was very impressed with the quality of the PSA but more impressed that the word is getting out there. Hopefully, this will help raise the awareness for problem gambling and more importantly help those who need it most.

As I was on the Harvard Wall, I saw the old coach come out on the yard and speak with the lead instructor. I was so relieved to see him because it meant he was not fired as rumor had it. Now I can speak with him on Thursday – the day after I graduate from the FTP class and he can give me the recommendation to the fire camp in Southern California. I was very happy to see him because now I don’t have to result to Plan B which I was formulating.


I wrote until the start of HEROES. Once again it didn’t disappoint me but it is going on hiatus until April 23rd. Hopefully, by this time I will be at fire camp in Southern California. I have been told the camps have satellite television and receive a little more than 12 channels than this prison receives. Some fire camps have three separate television rooms and hopefully if this is the case one of these rooms will air HEROES. It was on to bed for one more day of the FTP class.

Thankfully, my class was not one of the ones cancelled and I exited through the gate. It was another beautiful day with temperatures in the 70’s and it was great being on the “outside” once again. We went to the same location we went to last week and the “swamper” took us on another little hike which was supposed to be longer but the swamper cut it short because he was having knee pain. He took us by two abandoned gold mine shafts (part of the gold rush in the middle of the 1800’s). He also showed us how to use the “Mcleods” (basically an oversized hoe with a rake or the other side of the blade used for scraping debris from a fireline). We cleared a path with this tool as we hiked. After this it was time for lunch and the swamper built a camp fire where he boiled up a fresh pot of coffee and my fellow classmates fried their baloney sandwiches on the skillet. When lunch was complete, the swamper had us deploy our fire shelters and I made a mistake while deploying mine. I had a problem getting my fire shelter out of its holder and had to take off my gloves. In my haste to get it open I did not put on my gloves as is required. I was not the only one; four of my classmates did this same thing. All five of us were called on this mistake and had to hike down about a half-mile hill. I certainly didn’t mind this hike and would have preferred to hike further, but my fellow classmates were having a hard time. We decided to walk up and down as a team which is a good idea. As we finished, I could hear the breathing of my classmates and my heart rate was raised but I was ready for more.

Unfortunately, there weren’t any more hikes, but we did train on the fire shelters some more. I sure hope I never deploy the fire shelters because it is like lying underneath a heavy-duty pool cover. It was extremely warm as we laid in them for a few minutes. The key is to not let any light in whatsoever so it does get claustrophobic. It was a bit unnerving lying there in the hot darkness. The key is to remain calm and relaxed which is much easier when it is only a training session. It must be very difficult in real life conditions which is why I pray I never have to experience this ever.

The day went by very quickly as we finished up after folding the fire shelters. We got back into the CCV and returned to the Conservation Center. How quickly these 7 days of class have gone and I will miss going outside the gates which makes the training worthwhile. Soon enough I will be to fire camp and I will really be outside all the time with no surrounding walls or gates.

Infamous Vegetarian Card

When I completed my shower yesterday, the rest of the afternoon was more of the same ‘ole same ‘ole. My emphasis is getting into the shower as soon as possible so I don’t have to sit around all sweaty and smelly waiting for the shower to come back on. In my friend’s dorm, they have hooked up a very ingenious bird bath which acts just like a shower. They have attached a garden hose to the faucet in the sink and ran it over to the shower (I have no idea where it came from nor does my friend). The hose, according to my friend, is better than the regular shower because the water is hotter. Apparently, in my friend’s dorm, they aren’t having any concerns with the new shower schedule.

It was time to wait for the evening yard to open and it did relatively on time. I had a telephone call scheduled at 7:30 to call my mother. I was able to connect with her and we had a very good “ambien-free” conversation. It was very good talking with her as always. Once again those 13 minutes flew by and it just seemed like we said “hello” and it was time to go. I certainly do miss my mother as well as the rest of the family and friends. This situation is only temporary and in the next few months there are some changes ahead. I keep thinking of the inmates who have done 5 years plus in one institution and especially one former inmate who did 6 ½ years in one place. This person made it, successfully found a job, and is now living happily with his wife. He did it and I will!

The telephone concluded and it was on to the telephone sign up selection process. Due to the enormous influx of inmates over the past month, obtaining an evening telephone call has gotten increasingly more difficult. There used to be evenings where not many inmates would take part in the process, but those evenings are long gone. There are a few inmates who are enterprising and only sign up for the telephone in order to sell that time spot. There are a few “old time” inmates who take offense to this type of enterprise and think the inmates selling items for phone time should be punished. I have yet to see this happen. I can say all of this is a ripple down effect of the overcrowding issue and not a lot has been done to rectify this situation.

The evening yard ended and it was back into the dorm as is required. Once I was back, my neighbor had just finished reading THE BRETHREN by John Grisham and he was kind enough to lend it to me. Yes, I started the non-fiction book about the Iraq War but I can’t seem to get into it so I opted for the Grisham novel. I started it last night and was only able to complete the first few chapters and it is already good. It seems as though I prefer fictional novels to non-fiction. I guess it is my way to get away from this place as I read.

The release for breakfast came a few minutes late because the regular CO is off on Monday as well as Tuesday. I like to be the first one from my dorm especially on days when I need to request the vegetarian meals. Today was one of those days as it was once again the creamed beef with biscuits breakfast. I believe this was just served on Saturday (please keep this in mind as I go further because it was served just 2 days ago). I approached the front of the line and very politely asked the CO for the vegetarian meal. The CO instantly barked out at me, “I need to see your card.” As soon as he said this, I thought, “Oh, no here we go again about the stupid card.” I replied very calmly – probably too calmly – that I have written both the Chaplain and the Chief Medical Officer and was told I don’t requite a card because my need for the vegetarian meal is medical not a religious reason.

He must not have understood the words which came out of my mouth because he stated, “I must have a card.” Again I replied very calmly because I was not about to engage the Officer that I had previously mentioned and I have documentation verifying this. He didn’t seem to care and asked me what dorm I was in and told me he would take care of the issue personally and see to it that I receive a card. I was given a tray without any meat but unlike Saturday where I was given extra potatoes and hot cereal, I was only given two packets of peanut butter. By the way, this same CO was on duty on Saturday and never questioned me regarding the card. I have had this same discussion before with this CO and today he acted as if he had never seen me before. Incidentally, this is the same CO who skipped me when going to the store on Saturday and told me that being in the FTP class was “on me” and basically no reason for missing the store all week.

I’m not sure if this CO was put here to push my buttons and if he was, he is doing an excellent job. I really had to compose myself this morning and I was probably too composed. When I get like this, I have a tendency to use a condescending tone and probably a pompous attitude. I did my best and didn’t say anything that I would regret, such as “I was here on Saturday and you didn’t give me any problems and I have discussed the vegetarian card with you twice before, you DOPE!” I knew I couldn’t say that so I just grabbed the tray and went to the table just shaking my head. This is what my life has come down to – having a discussion (no argument on my part) regarding the ever illusive vegetarian card with a CO who doesn’t seem to listen very well. I took a few deep breaths before I sat down to release the built up tension in my stomach. All I can say is thank God for serenity or that discussion could have gotten ugly.

On Monday, the FTP class doesn’t meet so it extends the weekend one more day. Today was an afternoon yard for my tier so I was relegated to the dorm for the morning. It was a beautiful day and I wanted to go outside to workout so I decided to ask the relief CO if he would allow me outside. He said, “Okay.” That was it and I was outside. This is the relief CO who is always very nice and treats every inmate like a human and not a sub-human. I experienced the two ends of the CO spectrum in the course of a few hours. Obviously, I prefer the humane CO, but I understand the world is filled with all types of people. It is entirely up to me as to how I react during the adverse situations and today I feel I did really well but there is a limit and I sure hope I never reach that limit. I will keep reciting the Serenity Prayer and taking deep breaths.

In closing I want to wish a very Happy Birthday to a very special person – my little sister! Happy Birthday, Sis ~ I love you very much!