Saturday, June 30, 2007

My Family

I was able to call my wife at her brother’s house where they were celebrating our nephew’s first birthday. (Happy, Birthday!!) My wife told me about the trip to Hershey Park and how they had a great time. My 9 year old daughter is quite the roller coaster enthusiast as she went on every roller coaster she was tall enough to go on – all but 2. She had a blast wearing out one of my brother-in-laws. My 6 year old son did his best keeping up with his big sister and went on his share of roller coasters as well. My daughter was describing one of then which was named “Super Duper Looper” but she said that it was not. Even though this roller coaster went upside down both front wards and backwards, she was not impressed. She was impressed with a roller coaster named “Sidewinder” which went upside down both front and back along with having very steep drops. Somehow my daughter now loves roller coasters and of course can’t wait until I return home so I can go on them with her. I am so happy my family had a great start to their summer. They have a very full one, as they will be arriving here in less than 2 weeks. They will stay for 2 weeks and go back to New Jersey. Then in August the children will go to Jamaica with my mother and both my sisters’ families. My wife could not go because it was much too expensive. Thankfully, I have a loving and very giving family who made it possible for my children to attend.

I always enjoy speaking with my children and I am so proud of them. They concluded their school year in flying colors as my daughter received straight A’s on her report card and my very non-chalant, laid back son scored out of this world on the standardized test given to his kindergarten class. All of this good fortune brought my wife to tears on my children’s last day of school. This past year has not been easy on anyone especially my wife and children. Yet, through it all they have done remarkably well. This is a testament to my wife and all of our families who have provided normalcy in very abnormal circumstances. Last year my wife and I along with our children drove across the country. I essentially abandoned them (maybe not the best use of the word, but it is the truth) returning to serve my prison sentence. My wife has done incredibly well all throughout this past year and the children’s report cards bear witness to this amazing job by my wife. I am proud of all of them and love them so very much. The future remains uncertain as to being unclear where I can live after my release and where my family will be. However in the present everything is status quo. Yes, in two weeks from today I will be visiting with my family and it cannot come soon enough!!

Friday, June 29, 2007

"Be Well"

I have yet to sleep through the night since my arrival year one month ago. I do manage to get enough sleep to get through the day without feeling tired. I do feel tired on the bus ride back to camp at 4:00 pm. The combination of the motion of the bus and my not having ideal sleeping patterns does make me nod off for a few minutes. My neighbors across the hall had a good run of getting out early and working out for the past 2 weeks, slept in today. I could hear them say, “I’m staying in bed” as they turned off their alarm. I had a fleeting thought of sleeping in but this quickly passed as I got out of bed.

While I was running, I passed two of the members of the table, one who was going home this morning. Today they were walking and talking. Each time I passed them, I noticed the inmate who was going home very excited with enthusiasm exuding from him. I wonder what I will be doing a few hours from my release in February, probably the same thing I did this morning – run. My time will come and it will be here before I know it. While I waited for the work call, I said good-bye to the inmate who was leaving. Yesterday he was cleaning out his locker and he gave me a few jars of peanut butter along with several packets of oatmeal and honey. It was like a yard sale but instead of selling his property, he was giving it away. I was the recipient of his fan which was legally given to me as we transferred his property to me. This fan is regulation and won’t be confiscated as the other fan was.

It was finally time to say good-bye. I went up to him, gave him a handshake and a firm hug. I had only known him a little over one month, but I was very happy to get the opportunity to know him. He said to me, “I would say keep running, but I know you will.”

I said to him, “I would wish you the best but I know the best is yet to come for you and your family.”

We both smiled and I said, “Be well.”

The very nice CO (the nicest one I have met on my journey) overheard what I said and she said, “I like that.”

Yes, it was a very simple farewell and it is unlikely I will ever see him again. People seem to come in and out of my life all of the time and this has been the case over this past year inside prison. However, now I have real friends in my life who have stayed by me through some very difficult times. I am blessed to have known everyone who has entered and exited my life just like this inmate who walked off the camp grounds dressed in his jeans and tee shirt towards his wife’s car. He had a broad bright smile as he waved his final good-bye. His plans were to stop off at Starbucks for a Frappacino and a scone on his way home. He was spending time alone with his wife prior to picking up his 2 children later in the day. He would be back at work by August 1st. This sounded so simple and I know I am not going to have it that simple. I don’t have a house of my own to return to. My dear friend has offered me a place to stay and I am forever grateful. I have a great deal of planning to do in the next 8 months before I return to society. I know everything will work out, but it won’t be easy.

My crew’s assignment for today was to cut down some dead trees along a highway in Idyllwild. This assignment is worked in conjunction with CalTrans. We reached our destination and 5 rather tall trees were marked to be cut down. They posed a fire hazard and a roadside hazard as they stood near a busy roadway. The Captain took it upon himself to cut down the trees with a 3 foot chainsaw. He had my friend and I rope the trees in order for them to fall away from the roadway. Somehow he knew we were partners which was very nice. I assisted my friend who really didn’t need very much assisting. These trees were over 65 feet tall and all were infested by the Bark Beetle which has infested many trees in this area. I watched the Captain make some very fine cuts and all the trees fell the correct way. After the trees were cut down the chainsaw operators on my crew were given the task of cutting up the trees. The rest of the crew carried the cut up trees to a chipper which was on the roadside. This task only took 3 hours and that was the end of my work day.

Mail call arrived and all this week it has been plentiful. My mom has sent me something almost everyday this week. She sent me a fascinating article J. Tony Serra who has served a 10 month sentence for tax evasion. He wrote about prison reform and made some very salient points. I gave this to one of the other inmates who also found it fascinating. However, one of the more conservation inmates had a point stating that the majority of the population does not care about prison reform, I was in this majority prior to coming to prison because I thought it would never affect me. Most people do believe criminals need to be punished which is the purpose of prison. I now believe the definition of “criminal” needs to be broadened because all law-breakers don’t need to be incarcerated. If these non-violent criminals enter programs, they can become law abiding taxpaying citizens which in turn gives back to society.

Enough of my soapbox. I read the letters and then went back outside to the table. Since one of the members went home earlier today there were only 3 of us. As I went to sit down, I was jokingly referred to by the name of the inmate who departed today. I cannot fill his seat or take his place because we are 2 different people. I can only be myself and the conversation was again plentiful. Those 2 hours passed quickly and I returned to my room where I finished writing and went to sleep. Another day down and 15 days to go until I see my family!

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Should I Start the Countdown?

I woke up at my usual time after a usual night’s sleep and realized today, June 28th, marks 8 months until my release. The question I posed was to whether or not I should start the countdown. Eight months is not very long as I have already served almost 12 months. I am well past the halfway point and on the downhill to my release date. In recovery I have learned to take “One day at a time” and I am proud to say I have not gambled in 850 days. Time has gone by very quickly over this past year but for some reason time seems to have slowed down since I arrived at fire camp last month. The seven months I served at Jamestown seemed to have gone by so fast and I believe this has something to do looking back. I don’t even remember my first month at Jamestown and before I knew it, I was moving on to fire camp. Right now I am looking forward to seeing my family in a little over 2 weeks. And, then it will be another 7 months until I see them again.

I seem to have gotten off track with my thoughts. The days are moving by as quickly as the nights. It seems I have so little time to do much of anything when I return back from work during the week. The 5 ½ hours from 4:30 to 10:00 pm whiz by so fast. The eight hours during the day seem to go by much slower. I may need an attitude adjustment because I just don’t enjoy the work during the day. I have never been a mechanical or outdoorsy person. I found my niche at Jamestown because I was able to combine my passion for exercising with a job. The days did go by fast because I enjoyed myself. I don’t really hate the work here and I know I will find my way.

Okay, I have really fallen off track so let me get back to my original thought. Today is exactly eight months until my release. It is how I approach the use of my time that will determine the speed in which it passes. If I lament everyday (which I do not) then of course time will trudge forward. On the other hand if I take on these new challenges with a positive attitude time will move by quickly. Today I got up with a positive attitude and carried it forward.

Today at breakfast, I gave away my French toast to a member of the table who is being released tomorrow. This was his last breakfast as an inmate and he will be free when he walks out tomorrow at 8:00 am. I gladly gave him my gluten enriched French toast as a going away present.

After breakfast, I booted up and went to the bus area to check in and found out we would be once again assigned to septic duty down below camp. Before going on our assignment, the Captain took us on a hike. Everyone on the crew stayed with the Captain and since this was a training hike we were required to stay in order. I remained directly behind my friend who did very well. The Captain who led us on the hike is in excellent shape and it is hard to believe he is almost 50 years old. During the hike, I realized I do enjoy it and would like to hike much more. I still have to motivate myself for the work portion of the job, but when a fire does arrive, I will be ready.

The hike was over and it was on to digging the holes for the septic system. Just like I did yesterday, I stayed close to my friend. The dig entailed watching a loader dig a hole, then the hole was filled with rocks and finally covered with dust. The only part I had to do was make the rocks smooth over the pipes. It was a very simple job but shockingly, smoothing out rocks does provide for physical activity. Also, It is an incredibly dusty job. At the end of the day, I was covered in dust. Even though the project was mundane, the day passed soon enough.

With dinner over, I did something out of the norm. Usually I go back to my room and write until the mail call is announced. Tonight was the very last night for one of the inmates; I decided to go without writing and instead stayed at the table in his honor. The four of us talked all night and the member who was going home tomorrow had an exterior glow. This has got to be a great feeling which I will feel also in eight months. However, there was a gleam in his eyes and an excitement in his voice. He has spent 18 months inside the prison system and now his sentence has been served. He gets to go home with his wife and children. His crime was much different than mine but his sentence was very similar. Tomorrow night at this time he will be in his own house with his family. When I think about it the feeling is almost overwhelming. I felt very good for him and I will miss him. I have only know him one month but he will be one of the few unforgettable people I have met on this journey. The night concluded, as it was time to go back to our rooms. We all saved our “good-byes” for the morning.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Quick Synopsis

I am going to do something of the ordinary today. Instead of going into a detailed summary of the past day, I am delivering a quick synopsis since nothing earth shattering happened. The highlights of the past 24 hours occurred during dinner last night and tonight. I was making my way through the food service line, and as I reached the end, I was greeted by one of the C/O’s on duty. This was the C/O who was responsible for my family visit and seemed to be giving me a difficult time. Last night, this C/O made a comment about my weight and my excessive exercising. The comments were a little more than a joke as the delivery was on the serious side. The comments were, “You better slow down on your exercising because you are going to get too skinny, and your wife won’t like that.” I just laughed and didn’t have a retort. This evening as I made my way through the food service line, the same C/O was on duty, and the comments were, “Oh, I see you eat meat” (as there was fried chicken on my tray). I responded, “No, I don’t. I am giving it away.” After I said this, the C/O then gave a look of semi-disgust and said, “I’m serious. You better start eating more because you won’t be able to hike up those hills.” After hearing this, I just laughed and headed to my table. This was a very strange turn of events because up until I scheduled my family visit, this C/O rarely said a few words to me. Now, this C/O is interested in my weight. I don’t have enough courage to say anything in return, and I let the comments roll off of my back. I know I haven’t lost any weight since arriving here last month, nor am I malnourished and ready to fall down. I find this very interesting, and I suspect the comments won’t cease anytime soon.

Those were the highlights of the last 24 hours. Here is the quick synopsis. Last night, after writing, I joined the new table and came into my room to read before falling asleep. I had my normal night’s sleep with a few strange dreams thrown in. I dreamt I was in a hotel in Belgium with my wife, and we were discussing why we didn’t bring the children. After that dream, I had a dream involving my children. I got up at the usual time and ran for 98 minutes (much to the dismay of the C/O). I came inside, showered, dressed, and went to breakfast after my friend. Yes, we are starting to live separate lives. I returned from breakfast and booted up for my day on the grade. This day on the grade had my crew working on the in-camp septic system below the camp property. My big task of the day involved gluing pipes together. I realized that I have zero self-confidence when it comes to anything mechanical which includes the very basic gluing of two pipes together. This is a long-time trait, and I need some help in overcoming this. I suspect I will overcome this sometime in the next 100 years! It really isn’t a big deal, but somewhere down the line, I have to develop some self-confidence in these tasks. Amazingly, the day went by very quickly, and I spent most of the lunch hour talking to the replacement captain about running and hiking. This captain was a former marathon runner and tri-athlete. I enjoyed the conversation, which helped to make the day go by quicker.

My crew came back into camp, and I started the late afternoon routine. I was able to obtain another locker which opens the proper way. My old locker opened from left to right whereas this new (used) locker opens from right to left. I’m sure that last sentence sounds strange to most everyone, but I assure you this is a good thing. I obtained the locker from the room of a recently departed inmate. This was the same inmate who switched his family visit with me a few days ago. He was unceremoniously “rolled-up” (kicked out) from camp this morning. No one seems to know the exact reason, but now he is gone, so it really didn’t matter that he switched his family visit with me because it would have become available anyhow. This inmate has gone through some very traumatic experiences (losing his son in a car accident) in the past few weeks, and it appears the roll-up was a proactive move by the C/O’s. I certainly cannot imagine losing a child, and it has got to be the worst possible event in life. Add to the fact that the father is incarcerated and could not attend the funeral, the tragedy is compounded. I shudder to think what was going on in his mind. Now this inmate is back at the big prison, and hopefully, he will be transferred to another fire camp quickly.

Today was supposed to be the day that the federal judge was to issue his ruling on the overcrowding crisis in the California Prison System. Much like the previous dates, today came and went without any news. I am starting to believe this is all just a hoax and nothing will ever be resolved in the next eight months as I conclude my sentence. I do give up speculating on this matter.

I realize I have hurried through this entry, and I apologize. I’m not sure if I will adopt this new format or not. It has saved me a great deal of time, and now my new “friends” at the “table” want me to play scrabble because they need a fourth player. I am debating whether or not I should play. Whether I play or not, I do know “hump day” has passed, and I am that much closer to finally seeing my family. It is now 17 days and counting until I see my family as they come and visit me. I cannot wait to see them.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Interesting Development

I somehow managed to have the best of both worlds last night. I was able to complete my daily writing, and I was able to attend the daily table for a very good discussion. Being able to do both of these made for a very fast evening. The discussion around the “table” centered on writing as three out of the four of us talked about writing a book about our experiences in prison life. I got more in depth about discussing my compulsive gambling addiction. As it turns out, another member at the “table” is also fighting several addictions including alcoholism. We all believe there is a market for the book, but I am still having difficulty making my experiences a little less boring. No one wants to read about the inner workings of the kitchen inside the California Prison System or about the physical training for the Inmate Wild Land Firefighter Program. I believe there is an interesting story somewhere inside the mundane existence, but I have yet to find it. Anyhow, the conversation was very good, and we even stayed out later than normal. We just moved our conversation from the table to the sidewalk when the sprinklers came on. After the conversation, I retreated to my room where my friend was already in bed. We bid each other goodnight and went to sleep.

I only got up twice during the night, so it was a successful night. My normal wakeup time rolled around, and I started my Tuesday pushup/burpee routine. I completed these and returned to my room, and even before I got back from taking a shower, my friend had gone to breakfast already. Yes, things have changed between my friend and me, but as the day progressed, things got back to the usual. I believe the key for both of us is space. We don’t have to do all things together, and if my friend wants to go to breakfast or dinner without me, it should not be an issue. It is not an issue, and we do need to maintain separate identities because we are separate people. I really enjoy the company of my friend, and I also enjoy being alone and also being at the “table”. There is no reason why these events cannot coexist with one another. My friend has other inmates he plays cards with and has conversations with. We are not beholden to each other, and I believe it is healthy for our relationship if we broaden our horizons. I do rely on my friend when we are out working on the grade or fires. I appreciate all his help. I just don’t want to be a burden to him, and hopefully, if I do become burdensome, he will inform me.

Breakfast was the usual with pancakes and oatmeal being served. As I made my way through the food service line, I reached the end where the camp sergeant stands. As I approached, him he said in a very matter-of-fact way, “Come see me after breakfast.” When he said these words, my heart dropped because I thought I had done something bad. My brain started to go into overdrive thinking up why the sergeant would want to see me. I came up with three possible scenarios. The first scenario was that he wanted to see me because I wrote some unflattering comments about him in this blog last week. Normally, I wouldn’t concern myself with this thought, but last week a very cool C/O asked me some specific questions about a passage in the blog. Apparently, he read the entry when I sent it out to my mother. The second scenario was the sergeant was angry with me because I keep putting divots in the grass when I do my pushup/burpee routine. (Incidentally, I mentioned to another inmate that the sergeant wanted to see me, and he jokingly came up with that second scenario). The third and final scenario wasn’t negative at all. I thought the sergeant was going to ask me if I wanted to work in the kitchen since the kitchen is currently experiencing turnovers, and I have previous experience. I did manage to eat my breakfast, and when I was finished, I went over to the sergeant. He then told me to come see him in his office when the entire breakfast service was finished. Of course, I had no choice but to wait an additional 20 minutes. I went back to my room, and as I was approaching my room, the fire call siren went off. I hurried into my room and put on my boots. There was no need for me to have hurried because my crew was not involved.

I did want to know what the sergeant wanted to see me about, so I headed over to his office. The Sergeant told me to come into his office. I went in and sat down with an accelerated heartbeat. As I sat down, he said, “Your previous employer wants your time.” I had no idea what this statement meant, so I said, “I don’t understand.” By the way, I had all kinds of thoughts running through my mind when he said this, and none of them were positive. He then went on to say, “Your previous employer wants to talk to you regarding a situation they are having currently.” As he spoke further, I surmised my previous employer has a similar situation happening now, and they want to speak with me to pick my brain. The sergeant assured me I was not in any trouble. He was extremely cordial during entire exchange and just wanted to know if it was okay with me to speak with my former employer regarding the current situation. All throughout the dialogue, I wasn’t thinking clearly, so I didn’t ask any questions. I was nervous when I first entered his office, and when I heard mention of my previous employer, I got even more nervous. I did tell the sergeant that I would not have any problem speaking to my former employer, and I would be happy to try to assist them in any way I could. I just wanted him to know I would follow his plan for the meeting. He wasn’t sure if it would be a telephone call or an in-prison visit. He didn’t get any details because, as I mentioned, his first concern was ensuring I was okay with all of this. Yes, I am okay and am very interested in this new development.

I don’t know who placed the telephone call from my previous employer, but I believe it came from the parent company where the board members sit. I can only guess what is happening or what has happened, so I won’t get into conjecture. I do hope this meeting does transpire, and the sergeant will get back to me with all the specifics. The sergeant did mention he would send them a visiting form, so they could be approved. I didn’t think of it at the time he mentioned it, but this doesn’t seem to be the best way to conduct this meeting. I really don’t want to take up my visiting hours meeting with my previous employer. I am hoping the sergeant (who is very “by the book) can set up an alternative time for this meeting. Whatever happens, this is, indeed, an interesting development, and all of my scenarios weren’t even close.

I came out of the sergeant’s office somewhat bewildered at the chain of events. I mentioned this development to a few other inmates including my friend. They all had very interesting opinions ranging from, “Okay, what’s in it for you?” to “They are going to offer you a job” to “Screw them!” For me, it doesn’t matter what’s in it; although, I would like to rectify the 401K matter and nothing else. There is no way they would offer me a job, so that is out of the question, and no, I can’t turn my back on them because I wronged them, and if I can truly help, then I most certainly will. Only time will tell what, if anything, comes of all this, but it did make for an interesting day.

The day on the grade was the same as yesterday; however, something happened on the bus on the way to our jobsite that was eye opening for me. Many of my fellow crew members smoke on the bus, and it seems to be an acceptable practice even though it is against the rules. Something also against the rules happened this morning on the bus, and I really wasn’t very shocked. I have been here over a month and have been surprised this hasn’t happened sooner. I cannot disclose what “this” was because it wouldn’t be the right thing to do. I can state I do see why so many inmates return to prison because their behaviors never change. The changing of destructive behaviors is very difficult as it took me over 20-plus years and coming to prison for me to address my compulsive gambling addition. I cannot and will not judge anyone. I can only look at myself, and I do thank God for my recovery because it continues to save my life each and every day.

Today on the project was more weed whacking and raking. I now have developed a blister on my thumb from using the McLeod. According to my friend, the blister will turn into a callus since there is no getting around this even with wearing gloves. We finished the project about an hour ahead of schedule, and the captain was kind enough to show the entire crew the lake from the observation area. This lake is very big (I think it is the biggest manmade lake in California), and when we are doing our projects, we are always below the dam levels. We have been coming here for the past three weeks, and I hadn’t seen the lake area. Today was the first day I saw the lake, and I was very impressed. It is a large and relatively uninhabited. I only noticed two watercrafts on the lake. This was built as a backup water supply for southern California in the event the water transfer from the Colorado River is interrupted by an earthquake or some other natural disaster. The lake contains a nine-month water supply for southern California, which is very impressive. Our crew was once again with the captain from yesterday, and I do like him. He talks to everyone like they are a human being and doesn’t judge anyone on their past. We asked him to show us the lake, and he showed it to us. There are some perks to this grunt labor.

I returned to camp in the hopes of finding out more about the interesting development earlier in the day, but the sergeant had gone home. I won’t get overly excited about this because a few things have to happen prior to the meeting. As with everything, I will take it one day at a time. Today was a very good and interesting day.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Snake, Hummingbird, Skunk

Yesterday was a very uneventful day; however, the key to my days is to make them pass quickly and positively. I was able to call my younger sister and speak with her last night. It was the first time I spoke with her in over three months. We had a great conversation, and once again, those 15 minutes flew by. My younger sister is an amazing person, and it was so good speaking with her. She had a full week as my father and his wife visited her along with celebrating my niece’s third birthday (Happy Birthday!!!!) My father’s visit sounded excellent, and everyone is doing well. I have a very special family, and I enjoyed the family update. I certainly miss keeping in contact with my sister on a regular basis; however, even though we last spoke over three months ago, it felt like I just spoke with her three days ago.

When the very quick telephone call ended, I joined two members at the table. One of the members was out on the fire, and the other member was catching up on his writing. It was only the three of us, and once again, we had a very productive conversation all night long. One member is an attorney (civil law), and the other member is an engineer. Each of us proposed hypotheticals, and we discussed these hypotheticals at length. We also discussed prison interpersonal relationships, and they confirmed many of my observations over the past year. It was a very good way to spend a Sunday evening at fire camp. The sprinklers came on, and it was time to go back to my room. I read for a few minutes before retiring to sleep. I fear my friend and I seem to be fading with one another. Normally, we speak before going to sleep, but ever since the incident on Thursday morning, things have not been the same. It seems we are moving in separate directions. We had a pact where we would tell each other if there was something wrong. This seemed to fall by the wayside on Thursday as we discussed our feelings somewhat. Hopefully, we can work through whatever is happening and be better for it.

I went to sleep at my normal time but had a very up-and-down night. I didn’t drink anything all night, yet I was up every two hours all night long. Sometimes my up-and-down nights cannot be explained, as was the case last night. One of these “ups”, I even ran into the C/O who was doing the early evening walkthrough count. This is the first time this has happened to me, and I do have a fear of not being seen (not being counted) by the C/O during the evening walkthrough, which could result in something negative. Thankfully, this did not happen and all went well with my night’s sleep. I was able to dream (I do wonder how long my dreams actually last since I can only sleep two hours at a time), which meant I got a deep (albeit brief!) sleep. The dream involved someone I hadn’t seen in 25 years. This is all I can remember. I don’t know what the dream was about, but I do remember the person vividly.

An interesting thing has happened since I entered prison almost one year ago. Since I have had a great deal of downtime, I do more than my share of thinking. Often, this thinking involves past events (some positive, some negative). Thinking about these past events is often like having my life pass before my eyes. It isn’t a flash which, I guess, is good because oftentimes people who experience near-death episodes have their lives flash before their eyes. Mine is more like a long film with several vignettes. I know I am not supposed to harp on past events, and I don’t. I do think about them occasionally (less often now than in the beginning; however, since I returned to southern California, these thoughts have become more prevalent), and I guess these also seep into my subconscious just like last night. I need to state a disclaimer because harping on past events is not healthy. I don’t harp on past events, I just play them through. Thankfully, due to my recovery, I no longer beat myself up over these past events because there is not one thing I can do to change the past. I can only change my behavior, which changes today for the positive.

I do have to admit something. I do have some trepidation regarding my release date. Obviously, I cannot wait to rejoin my family, but there are so many questions which need to be answered. None of these questions can be answered right now, and I am a bit nervous. One very large question is how I will make a living to support my family. I have years of experience in accounting and auditing, but there is no way a company would hire a former embezzler. I did speak to my friend about this during the visit on Saturday, and he came up with some very good alternatives. These alternatives do rely on the kindness of others. I have very extraordinary people in my life who I have met in the past two years. I was actually offered a job as an accountant for a recovery house in Las Vegas, but due to my current circumstances, I could not take the position. I have attempted to keep in touch with this extraordinary person over the past year, but I have yet to hear back. This position was perfect (almost too perfect if that is possible) as the prospective employer knew my whole story yet was still willing to hire me. One condition of my employment was I had to remain active in recovery. I thought this was wonderful because, in order for me to survive and excel, I must remain in recovery the rest of my life. It is so interesting how GA and other 12 step programs say “recovery.” It is so interesting how it is an active program. It is not recovered because an addict (which is me) is never fully recovered. I am a compulsive gambler in recovery.

Sure, the night’s sleep wasn’t so great, but I still managed to get up at 5:00 a.m. and go outside for my Monday run. I ran for 97 minutes, and I have turned my attention to individual lap times. The track here is not conventional by any means. I have referred to is as a makeshift track since it is cut in between the camp buildings. Also, I can feel muscles in my legs forming that I have never had all due to running the hill over the past month. Two of the members of the new table were doing their morning run. One of them is a very good runner, and I was able to lap him. They do not run nearly as long as I do (no one does because they are not crazy!), but I was still able to maintain a better-than-average pace. I am competitive in some areas, and long distance running is one of those areas.

My very good run came to an end, and some very odd events transpired afterwards. I set in on my normal post workout routine by taking a shower, getting dressed, and going to breakfast. When I was getting dressed, my friend/roommate said he was going to breakfast. This was unusual because he usually waits for me, and this morning I was nowhere near being late. In fact, I was a few minutes ahead of schedule. I certainly did not deter my friend from going to breakfast as I said, “Okay.” This was doubly unusual because last week I implored my friend to go to breakfast without me as I was running behind schedule. He did not go then and waited for me. He even said, “I can’t go without you.” This was on Tuesday of last week, and obviously, something has changed. My friend went ahead to breakfast without me. I wasn’t far behind as I entered the line two minutes later. Another odd event transpired. My friend sat at the usual table, but all the seats were taken, so I had to sit by myself. Everyday since my arrival, my friend has given me his bowl of hot cereal, but this ended today. I ate my normal breakfast at a different table, and my friend ate his at a different table than me. I even offered (as I usually do) my friend the brownie, but he declined because he was given a second brownie by someone else. I can understand him declining the third brownie, but it never stopped him in the past. The unusual events continued as my friend departed our room much earlier than normal without saying a word to me. The final unusual event this morning occurred as we boarded the fire bus. Normally, we alternate days taking each other’s lunchbox on the bus prior to checkout. My friend placed his on without one word to me. I must have done something bad, but I am hesitant to ask knowing what happened on Thursday. I may work up the courage if these unusual events keep occurring.

I did shrug off the unusual events and focused on my work day. As we boarded the fire bus, rumors of our crew going to the wildfire in Lake Tahoe were running rampant. There is a fairly large wildfire in South Lake Tahoe, and allegedly, the CDF was trying to put two crews from my camp on the fire. The problem was a few captains were on vacation, and the captains with Monday as their scheduled day off could not be reached. My captain is on vacation this week and much of next, so we had a captain from another crew. If they were able to reach one of the captains who had today off, my crew would be en route to Lake Tahoe. This did not happen as I am still here. The rest of the day was normal working on one of the many grade projects. My crew returned to the Diamond Valley Lake where this is plenty of work. We were tasked to cut overgrown brush in one of the marsh areas. My crew did an incredible job cutting and raking the severely overgrown brush. My task was to rake the cut brush, and I actually worked hard, for me, today. Everyone of my crew worked hard, and the captain was very impressed. I was impressed with the amount of brush cut, raked, and piled. This morning while my crew was cutting and raking the brush, one member encountered a beautiful black and white small snake. Another crew member, who is the snake expert, came over and picked it up. He did a great job of avoiding the snake’s sharp teeth. He held it for the next hour just playing with it. I have never been a big fan of snakes, so I kept my distance but was very intrigued with the interaction.

During lunch, a few of my crew members found a hummingbird that seemed to be hurt. They gave the hummingbird some water but it still did not fly away. One of my crew members gave it some Gatorade, and after drinking it, it flew away very quickly. I guess that is what a sugar rush can do to a hummingbird. The animal triple play was complete in the afternoon as a skunk ran out of the brush to higher ground. One of the crew members chased the skunk, and fortunately for the crew member, the skunk escaped without incident. This was probably the biggest skunk I have ever seen. Yes, it was like a miniature animal kingdom waiting in the marshes of the local lake. The day went by quickly, and at the end of the day, I actually accomplished something productive.

After work, the usual routine ensued, and it seems my friend is coming around. Once again, all the seats were taken at our usual table for dinner, but unlike breakfast, my friend joined me at another table. He was still unusually quiet in my presence, and I still haven’t worked up the courage to ask what is the matter. Slowly, he seems to be getting better, so I will, too, take it slowly not wanting to stir the pot. The rice dinner for me was over, and I returned to my room to write before the mail call was announced. I did go outside in hope of an on-time mail call but had to wait a few minutes. While I waited, I joined the “table” for the few minutes. One of the members was talking about his job here which is “rations clerk” (food ordering clerk). This is the attorney, and as he talked about it, I really envied his position. This is something he knew nothing about, but it was something I knew, and my accounting background would be a huge help; however, due to my restrictions, I am prohibited to do this job. I still have a hard time with this and do blame my attorney for allowing the computer charges in my case to stay. Otherwise, I would be able to do this position. Anyhow, as the member talked, I had so many ideas for him, and maybe he will be able to utilize some of these. Mail call arrived, and I received a letter from my mother along with another photo of my son’s kindergarten graduation, the monthly bulletin from GA, and four visitor approvals. Three of these approvals were for GA members so they now joined the twice monthly GA meeting in the visitor area. The rest of the evening I wrote, and there goes another Monday down.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Not Much Happening

After my in-room dinner I made my way to the table of normal where they were involved in a game of scrabble. I don’t know how wise it will be to join this game when one of the members goes home next week. It isn’t a cutthroat game but they seem to have their issues. I sat the table and observed. I was also able to read a current local newspaper. While I was reading the newspaper, an odd event for a Saturday occurred; mail call was announced and I was on the list. There is a CO who has been at this camp ever since it opened some21 years ago. She is the kindest, nicest, and best CO I have seen in my limited time in the system. The day runs so much better when she on duty and because of her, mail call was announced for only the second Saturday since I arrived here. This CO never sweats the small stuff and everything runs smoothly. It would be so nice if all the CO’s were like her but that is an impossibility. In any case I was able to receive a letter from my Mother which included pictures of my son’s kindergarten graduation. He was so adorable in his makeshift graduation cap and special tee shirt. He really is a good looking boy and was so proud of himself.

After reading the letter, I returned to the scrabble game but really only continued to read the newspaper. Scrabble is not nearly as complicated as I thought, but I did realize I never stop learning. There were some words I didn’t recognize and after looking them up in the dictionary, I had learned something. In any event, the Scrabble game was over and we talked for the rest of the evening. These are all good guys who made mistakes in judgment for various reasons. The more I think about the inmate at the table who is going home next week the more I realize I couldn’t do the same thing he did. He had the opportunity to turn someone in which would have earned him a get of jail free card but chose to remain silent. I couldn’t knowingly be away from my family for 19 months. He was most certainly in the wrong place at the wrong time but his alleged friend was doing something illegal. I certainly realize the value of friendship especially now in recovery, but a true friend does not put the other friend in harm’s way. Anyhow, I continue to learn valuable lessons about myself.

As I headed back to my room, there was a rumor circulating that 2 crews would be sent to a fire in Central California. Last night these rumors were supported as an announcement was made that 2 crews would be departing at 1:00 am for the fire. Fortunately, my crew was not one of them so I was safe to go to sleep.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Insurance Company?

My name was announced over the loud-speaker informing me I had a visitor. I quickly dressed and made my way to the visiting area. It was my friend who had arrived earlier than I expected. He is an outstanding person and we had a great time spending 2 ½ hours together talking. The time flew by. We covered a range of topics and he gave me some very good advice as to a new career when I get out of here as well as making some generous offers. There are so many similarities between the two of us and the best one is we are both in recovery. Not only are we both in recovery, but my friend is so committed that I constantly learn from him. It was the best way I could have spent this Saturday morning. Each one of his visits has uplifted my spirits and today was exceptional.

We bid each other good-bye as he will return next week for the GA meeting. I proceeded to the telephone to call my wife to inform her that the family visit was approved. I spoke with my daughter who told me about her last day of school and impending trip to Hershey Park. She kept saying, “ I wish you were coming with us” and I too agree with her sentiments but had to focus the conversation on something else. I had a long chat with my daughter and we both can’t wait to see each other. Next, it was my son’s turn who told me about his soccer game today. I don’t know how he does it because he is a goalie, yet he tells me he scored a goal. This is the second time and I am impressed. My wife then got on the phone and told me about the saga of the 401K. She was finally able to speak with someone at my former employer who was very peasant to her. In fact, this person was there when I worked there and has always been very cordial. My wife informed me the insurance company who reimbursed my former employer for my theft is claiming the 401K money. This was the first I heard of the insurance company being involved. Over one month ago I wrote to my attorney asking him if he had any contact with the insurance company and he told me had not heard from them.

This sounds a bit fishy but I do believe the person who told my wife. I believe someone at my former employer would had to have notified the insurance company about the withdrawal of the 401K. Otherwise how would they know about it? Furthermore, I am not aware of any judgment the insurance company has against me. My wife did phone my attorney and he is still unaware of any insurance company being involved in the case. I certainly would have thought that they would have notified my attorney at some point prior to this. My wife will make an appointment to see the attorney when she is out here and hopefully there will be answers. Yes, my case continues on as the unexpected occurs. My wife is doing a remarkable job keeping her sanity among the chaos.

I finally got around to telling my wife about the family visit. She, too, was relieved and I will send her the sheet of what she can and cannot bring. This is very straightforward as items purchased in a grocery store other than alcohol (of course) are allowed. The very first statement; “All grocery items must be factory sealed. No exceptions.” The children are not allowed any electric or battery operated toys. I don’t know if they can bring the portable DVD player because the rule sheet does not specify. I will have to find out. Anyhow, we are all excited to be back together even if it is only for a few days. We did run out of time on the telephone and I will call her again next Saturday to see how their trip to Hershey went.

The telephone call was over and I returned to my room. My poison oak rash started itching more so I went with the calamine lotion as an alternative to the other creams. At least this gives the appearance of drying out the skin which according to the directions is necessary for the healing process. I made a mess putting on the lotion and had to mop up the floor. While the floor was drying I read a USA Today from a few days ago and after three months, I finally ran out of the five bags of pretzels that I had stashed!

Friday, June 22, 2007

On Pins and Needles

Dinner was over and I went to see what was happening at the “table of normal”. I discovered my new friends were very judgmental of the other inmates. I’m not sure if judgmental is the correct word; however, they did spend a good part of the time making fun of the other inmates. I refrained but I did understand what they were saying. I don’t want to go into a philosophical discussion about the pros (if there any) and the cons of making fun of others. This was their way of passing the time and I also know many other inmates make fun of the table of normal. This is a no win situation – so my best course of action was to remain silent. The inmates at the table are much like me, but I don’t want to get involved in an us and them situation. It is very simple; I stand out in a place like this and I don’t want to exacerbate the problem.

After mail call, I went back to the table and fortunately the poking fun session had ended. I remember a time where I could write an entry for this blog in 20 minutes but ever since arriving in prison, time has gotten considerably longer as have these entries.

The work call arrived and I made my way up to the bus area. The assignment today was in the mountain community of Idyllwild moving cut tree limbs. We had done this a few weeks ago but it is an ongoing project. Some of the trees have been infested with bark beetles causing the trees to die. There is a crew here who is contracted to cut down the dead trees and this is what they had done. Now my crew was headed to Idyllwild to move these cut limbs to an appropriate area. Normally these limbs would be burned in a controlled setting. However, since California has had 20% of their normal rainfall, these controlled burns are prohibited. This meant the cut limbs had to be moved to an area where the contractor could pick them up. The setting in Idyllwild is very nice as all of the homes are surrounded by trees and shrubbery. This is also a negative because if a fire were ever ignited these homes would be destroyed. Hopefully, this will never happen and the CDF is doing all it can to rid the area of dead trees.

The big controversy regarding today’s assignment was we were being joined by another crew. They had one of the recently added Captains who is not a new Captain since he has over 30 years experience. This particular has many inmates in a total uproar. The Captain has transferred from another camp. Incidentally my friend had served time at this other camp and worked for this Captain. It turns out my friend’s 8th grade teacher is this Captain’s mother – talk about a small world! He has a reputation as a hard-ass ~ sorry. I believe in giving everyone the benefit of the doubt so my mind was open. I cannot say this for most of my fellow inmates who seemed to make up their minds before even meeting the Captain. By the way, my friend says this Captain is not so bad. Most of my fellow inmates were on edge, but my crew really didn’t need to worry because our regular Captain was with us. Prior to our assignment, I could overhear the other Captain talking to (not with) the crew. He gave a 10-minute speech and our Captain waited patiently for him to finish. Our Captain did fill us in on this other Captain and it appears the reputation does proceed him. The assignment started and we moved the tree limbs all morning. I tend to search for the least labor-intensive job as I moved the piles of tree limbs only a few feet because this is what was required. Many of my fellow crew members moved their piles a few hundred feet.

We completed the assignment. As the Captains were having a discussion, afterward the other Captain whistled to gather his crew together. This came across as if he was calling his dog. I realized we are inmates, but the Captains I have worked with in the past month have treated the inmates as human beings. This is the first time since I arrived here, I felt like I was being treated like a sub-human or even a dog. A few of my fellow crew members took offense to the whistling and as the other crew departed for the bus they voiced their displeasure to our Captain. He is a very mild mannered man and was caught between a rock and a hard place not wanting to disparage the other Captain. He did go on to say, “I’m not like the other Captain and I wouldn’t whistle at you guys because I can’t whistle.” This was an uncomfortable few minutes for our Captain but he weathered any potential storm.

For the next task, I was given the job of being the traffic attendant. It was my job to stand 50 yards behind the bus and watch for vehicles. When a vehicle approached, I would stop them, warn the crew and then tell the vehicle to proceed slowly. This only happened 4 times in an hour so once again, I received the least labor intense task which was fine by me.

One of the inmates at the table of norm told me about the inmate who’s job it is to clean the bathroom. This inmate paroles in early September and I have watched him closely. He really has a good routine. I am fairly certain I could make this job work well for me but these blogs would get even more boring! I don’t know if I would go for the transfer when this job opens in September, but it is something to think about. I believe it is safer to clean a bathroom than to fight a wildfire, I’ll see.

I was able to see the Counselor after a very long wait about the family visit and found out it was approved on June 12th and I was finally notified today. I will be able to see my family for the regular visits on July 14, 15, 21, and 22 along with being able to spend 3 consecutive days with them from July 17th thru the 20th. I did have to switch the days for my family with another inmate, but I was so relieved that this was all resolved, I went back to my room and just collapsed on my bed.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

A Bit of a Bump

It appears wildfires is upon this part of southern California. The temperature has risen in the low 100’s and the humidity levels have dropped to about 15%. The combination makes the potential very high – this is known as a red flag alert. The two crews who responded to the fire were gone from camp for 3 hours; thankfully it was not anything serious.

I ate my bowl of oatmeal and made my way outside seeking the table of “normal”. There were only 2 fellow inmates, but this didn’t stop me from engaging in a conversation. We talked about sleeping patterns and I learned that one of these inmates shared the same type of problem I had which is waking up every 90 or so minutes. Then we talked about how 98% of the inmates say “You know what I mean” when they talk. As soon as I asked this, they both started to smile. They have discussed this in the past and couldn’t come up with a conclusive answer. I have met a few very “normal” inmates along the way, but this is the first time I could really sit down and share a dialogue with them. It certainly appears my experiences are not original.

The conversation turned to my friend and someone inquired as to how I could be his roommate since we are so different. My friend is a public persona when he is around other inmates and a private persona when he is around me in our room. He is a good person but he enjoys being the life of the party. He doesn’t have to be this way with me. I tried to convey that what my friend presents in public is not what he is all about. There is substance and he is truly a good friend. I believe I did convince these two at the table that my friend is a genuinely a good person. As we were discussing my friend, it occurred to me how perception varies. I never viewed my friend as a loud mouth or a character. I took him for what he is which is a good person who likes to have fun. Whereas the perception from others was very different than mine. The quote states, “Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder” and to me, my friend has more beauty than anything else.

During breakfast, something very unexpected happened. My friend was talking to a tablemate (one of the cooks) and they were talking about who is responsible for paying for the inmate’s food and housing. He wanted to know if CDC or CDF pays for our meals. I interjected, quite matter of factly, and with a smile on my face, “Does it really matter because the money comes from the same place (California taxpayers) anyhow.” As soon as I said this, my friend took offense. He mumbled a few words, got up from his seat, and said, “I’m out of here.” He put his tray away and then came back to the table where I apologized to him saying, “I meant no disrespect.” He didn’t say anything and departed the dining hall. I stayed behind and finished breakfast. The tablemate was befuddled to what had just transpired. He did tell me I was right because the money does come from the same source and he didn’t understand what upset my friend.

Upon returning to my room, I saw my friend laying on his bed and once again I tried to apologize. Apparently, this was the 4th time I had “cut-off” my friend when he was talking about the “paying” subject at breakfast. He went on to state that nothing he says matters because in the end we will all die. I guess it was bound to happen as I have hit a bit of a bump in the road. Inevitably, when so much time is spent with another person, conflicts will arise. This all goes back to a perception matter. What I thought as a very innocuous comment mushroomed into something that hurt my friend. I do have to watch how I say things because what I perceive as matter of fact can be viewed as caustic or condescending. I do my best not to come across this way, but it can happen. I didn’t know what to do so after trying to apologize and smooth things out, I went outside and left my friend alone.

Afterward, we had a discussion and according to my friend, I have been on edge for the past 2 days and when problems arise, it is not always the other person (meaning him). He went on to say I should look at myself. I realize I am not an easy person to live with (just ask my wife) as I have peculiar tendencies. I have gotten very comfortable with my friend and sometimes I think without speaking. I need to do a better job of policing my mouth and how I speak. Ultimately, we did patch things up. My friend has been very good to me over these past 8 months and I would hate to jeopardize our relationship. My father mentioned to me prior to coming to prison that I have a tendency of coming across as aloof and also condescending. I must work on these things everyday and once again the GA Program teaches me to constantly take inventory of myself.

There was a mandatory prison video regarding the integration of sharing a cell/dorm with members of every race. Next February the CDCR will start integrating bunks. Currently members of the same race share bunks. However, here at camp integration has already started. This certainly makes sense and has been a long time coming. This movement all stems from legal action which was brought by an inmate back in 1995 who stated the way in which the CDCR assigns bunks along racial lines violated the inmate’s constitutional rights. The case went to the Supreme court and was finally settled some 10 years later. A settlement was reached and next year the integration process will commence. In my opinion, the racial segregation of bunks actually gives the inmates more power. I believe the non-racial basis for assigning bunks will be a positive for the prison system. I don’t know when the current system was established, but to me it is archaic. The real world doesn’t work this way and the CDCR should be preparing most inmates for re-entry into the real world.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Quack, Quack, Quack

Yesterday, the early-evening hours proved to be very interesting. They were uneventful but interesting nonetheless. I was cruising through the day and had more free time for a weekday since I arrived here. I am fairly certain I enjoy writing more than moving rocks, raking, weed whacking, lawn mowing, or any other outdoor chore, which is why yesterday afternoon flew by. I even had time to listen to the radio in hopes of finding out something regarding the federal judge’s ruling regarding the California prison overcrowding issue. However, much like in the past, this decision did not happen yesterday, and it appears the new day for the decision is next Wednesday, June 27. At this point, I don’t even know if this is an accurate date. Way back in December of last year, the date was set for June 4 of this year. Then there were reports the date was May 16. Well, May 16 came and went as did June 4 and now yesterday, still no decision. I thought the issue was critical, but judging by all the delays, it must not be too critical. Now the date is next week, and I am losing confidence anything will happen before my release date next year. This is truly fine with me because, barring any unforeseen circumstances; I will be walking out of the camp on February 28, 2008 no matter what the decision by the federal judge.

Dinnertime rolled around, and as we were walking up to the dining hall, there were murmurs my crew was headed for a fire call. This happens every so often, but I only believe it when I hear it from a fellow crew member. I did hear it from a fellow crew member before going into the dining hall. We still had a few minutes to eat. After spending three minutes in the dining hall, we hurried back to our room to suit up for the fire call. This meant we only had to put on our boots, grab our lunchboxes and hats, and go outside to wait for the fire bus. I was ready in no time, and I made sure I had a couple of protein bars in my lunchbox just in case we were fighting a fire all night.

When a fire call is sounded, my crew lines up in front of the office. Then the fire bus comes down to pick us up. Since it was after 5:00 p.m., we had to wait for the captain to arrive. Some captains do go home and then come back when there is a fire call. I believe their maximum-allowed response time is 60 minutes, but we have to be ready in five minutes. Before the captain ever arrived, our fire call was cancelled. We hurried for nothing, but this is what we are required to do. When a fire call is cancelled the term given to the cancellation is a “quack” call, which means false alarm. We have now received four of these “quack” calls this month.

As soon as we were cancelled, I returned to my room. I didn’t take off my boots just in case another call came. It was a good thing I didn’t because five minutes after returning to my room, the fire call came again. This time I was ready and headed directly outside. My whole crew stayed ready, and we went right back to the spot where we waited before. Fifteen minutes went by, and another cancellation came through. We were “quacked” for the second time. Once again, I returned to my room, and since I didn’t eat much at dinner, I prepared another prison stew of tuna fish, soup, and beans. I ate my dinner and went outside see what was happening at the “table of norm”. I went to the table, and someone asked me why I haven’t taken off my boots. Just as they said this, the fire call alarm sounded, and for the third time in an hour, we had a fire call. Yes, I was still ready and went back to the required waiting spot. The captain arrived, and we boarded the fire bus. I had on my fire protective gear and was ready to fight a fire.

I sit near the driver’s seat where the captain sits. I can hear the radio, and as soon as I sat on my seat, I heard, “Cancel the hard line” from the radio. This meant that the dispatcher was cancelling my crew for the third time in an hour. This amounted to a Quack, Quack, Quack call; meaning three strikes and you’re out! It was all much ado about nothing, which is why I do my best to maintain an even keel. I don’t get too excited, especially since my crew seems to get cancelled quite often. There are a number of reasons for the cancellations, but when a fire call is announced, I must be ready even through the possibility of cancellation is very high.

Everyone on my crew was disappointed, but I seemed to shrug it off. Instead of going back to my room, I went to the “table of norm” where I spent the rest of the evening. Over the course of the past year, I doubt I engaged in any serious conversations. Last night, all I did was have serious conversations regarding politics, racism, and self-discovery. This is quite a transition for me because it took me a while to get up to speed. Once I got up to speed, I really enjoyed the conversation. There were four of us at the table including me. Unfortunately for the group (but certainly fortunate for the individual), one of the members is paroling (being released) a week from Friday. This individual is on my crew, and I really enjoy his company. He is the type of person I would invite over to my house for dinner and conversation. I can’t say the same thing for many of the other inmates I have met over the past year with the exception of my friend and the three other inmates at the table of normal. The conversation was deep, intellectual, and meaningful. I have to make it a point to get out to the table at least three times a week. My writing does take up the bulk of my time, but yesterday, I was able to finish my writing early. By doing this, I can go outside so I can stimulate my brain.

The evening was shorted due to the quack calls, but the conversation around the table made the night go even faster. As we were talking, the lieutenant was walking the grounds. This was an unusual sight, especially for 8:00 p.m. He was just wandering about the camp and, I believe, making himself accessible. I really have only had one interchange with him, and he seems like a likeable person. He is fairly new to the camp as the previous longtime lieutenant retired only a few months ago. It seems things have changed since the retirement and, especially, with the sergeant who also replaced a retiring person in the previous sergeant. They are making their mark on the camp, and the changes they have incorporated have made things stricter for the long-term inmates. To me, it doesn’t matter, and I actually like the fact that the rules are stricter regarding drugs, alcohol, and cell phones. I don’t want any part of this because all I want to do is my remaining eight months and rejoin my family. Sure, I would like to order a package from any vendor, not just the prison-approved vendors, but this policy has changed with the new staff. I have made almost one year ordering from the approved catalogues, and I will make it the next eight months. There seemed to be more freedoms with the previous lieutenant and sergeant, so many of my fellow inmates are experiencing growing pains. I have no pains only good thoughts as the camp is better than anyplace I have been in the last year while being a part of the California Prison System.

The sprinklers came on, and this was our cue to disband the table of normal for the evening. I returned to my room where I spent the next 30 minutes reading before falling asleep. My night’s sleep was a success because it was much of the same. My crew was once again scheduled for a lay-in, but I wanted to maintain my early-morning routine. Presumably, I could have slept later and exercised during the day, but things do change at the drop of a hat, and besides that, I do enjoy my morning exercise routine. I completed my run, and it was the shower, dress, and off to breakfast routine. After breakfast, it was back to my room to “boot up”. I still needed to do this and go through the normal work-call motions even if my crew was scheduled to be laid in. The work call was announced, and I made my way to the bus area. Since today was Wednesday, the work call was delayed because the C/O’s were busy rolling up (kicking out) an inmate who tested positive for drugs. This positive drug test bought this inmate a ticket back to the big prison, not in Jamestown, in Chino. I have heard this prison in Chino is much worse than Jamestown, and I have no desire to do a comparison. The inmate who was rolled up this morning had only been here a little less than two months. I did know him going back to the Jamestown days because he was in a PFT class I instructed. This inmate is in his very early 20’s, and in the brief conversations I have had with him, I never got the sense he understood the big picture of recovery. Now, he will sit for at least three months where there are prison walls, locks, fences, gates, and barbed wire. I would venture to guess he is regretting his decision to “party” when he first arrived here.

The work call check-in finally arrived, and there always seems to be suspense on a day like today because of the alleged lay-in. The California Department of Forestry, which is now called “Cal Fire”, tries to have enough relief captains on duty to cover all the crew; however, vacation schedules and other assignments sometimes preclude having enough fire captains. This is what is happening this week. There aren’t enough fire captains to cover all the crews. In fact, only one crew went out today while three others (including mine) were laid in. I am certainly not complaining because I know how to fill my day even without work. I filled my day with reading and writing, and I was even able to call my wife today.

This morning I set out to finish “C is for Corpse”, and I did finish it this morning. It wasn’t a bad novel, and I found it compelling considering the novel was written 20 years ago. There wasn’t any mention of computers, Internet, or faxes. The main character, a female private investigator, utilized the library’s microfiche system to look up old newspapers. Today, this would have been done in her office. The author also mentioned telex, which I guess is the precursor to fax machines. Technology has certainly accelerated in the past 20 years. The novel was enjoyable, and it helped me pass the morning quickly. I even I had time to sit outside and enjoy the warm sunshine.

During the lunch hour, we are allowed to use the telephones, and I took this opportunity to call my wife. I wanted to see if she made contact with the counselor regarding the family visit. During the lunch hour, I was able to utilize the bail bond company to reach my wife, thus saving her the expense. I did reach my wife via her cell phone while she was at the DMV. My children were with her, and I did get a chance to speak with them. My daughter’s softball team won the championship fame, and my daughter received a medal for the most improved player. She was so proud and so was I. I cannot wait to see her play in person, and she told me she wants to be the pitcher next year. Hopefully, by next softball season, I can practice with her. She was so enthused about winning the championship game. I also spoke to my son who is doing great and always seems to be happy whenever I speak with him. I did speak with my wife regarding the counselor, but she has not been able to reach her as yet, nor has the counselor returned her telephone call. She planned on following up this afternoon. Also, my wife inches toward a resolution of the 401K saga as an actual officer from my previous employer has called her back. Once again, telephone tag happened, and my wife has to follow up on this as well. It was so nice talking with my wife during the middle of my day. I had a big smile when I got off the telephone, and it made for a wonderful afternoon.

My afternoon was filled with writing as I was able to write two letters to some very good, in fact, extraordinary friends. Once again, I received the mail call early, which gave me the opportunity to write back. I am staying current on my writing all thanks to the lay-ins. I realize my friend is concerned that I seem to write too much as he has told me to “relax”. I guess I didn’t do a good enough job explaining to him that writing is my relaxation. Writing continues to save me everyday, and I do know I have a tendency to be detailed, but it is my therapy. It is also something that I depend on. Once I finished my writing early, I had another opportunity for the table of normal. I wonder what the topics will be tonight.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Attitude Determiner

Last night, I was behind schedule all night. My writing took me past my usual bedtime. This was okay because when I get started writing, I do get energized. This is much like my running or my exercising. I start off slow and then build. Last night, I procrastinated with my writing which caused the delay. Since the mail call was 30 minutes late, everything I did subsequently was late as well. This didn’t matter much because I found, in the past almost year, it is my attitude that determines how I feel. If I procrastinate and am apprehensive about writing, my mood tends to be not so good; however, once I determine when I need to start get going, my mood picks up. Attitude, especially my own attitude, is indeed everything.

Before going to sleep, I put some anti-itch hydrocortisone on my yet-to-be-determine rash. I swear I was itchier afterwards and was scratching my legs for a good 20 minutes. I got up at my usual time, and much to my surprise, my neighbors were also awake for the second day in a row. This is the first time they have been able to get up two days in a row to go and workout. My friend on the other had intended to get up early this morning but once again had a rough night sleeping due to his cold and cough. He didn’t get much sleep last night and was much too tired this morning. It is now a ritual for me to get up, and each day I go and exercise.

This morning while I was exercising, I noticed a few more inmates running the track in the early morning. I don’t want to come off as being conceited, but I do think this sudden surge in running has something to do with me. This morning another PFT instructor was running the track. I didn’t work with him at Jamestown because he was on the other yard. I did, however, meet him back at Jamestown. He has been here almost three months and had stopped exercising. A few of the other inmates have been teasing him about his weight gain. Also, he kept asking me about my running and warned me about putting on weight. He did notice me running and doing the other exercises because no matter where I am, there is no hiding. I had a feeling it would only be a matter of time before I saw him on the track, and he was there this morning. The key is consistency, which I strive for everyday. Hopefully, he continues the exercise routine and loses those extra pounds.

I had a change in my morning routine because I needed my sheets washed, and after my shower, I took down my sheets from my bed. This may sound simple, but because my sheets are tied to the mattress for maximum security, it does take a bit of time. As I was removing my pillowcase, the pillow where my friend had sewn the extra stuffing became loose. The extra stuffing spilled all over the bed and floor which made a mess. I decided to leave the mess until after I returned from breakfast. I did gather up my sheets and pillowcase to put them in the laundry. At least I would have clean bedding.

With breakfast over, I returned to my room to clean up the stuffing mess. It was easy to clean as I just swept it up. I got ready for work and went outside. Yes, I filled the CamelBack with ice and water. As I made my way over to the sign-out area for work, all of my crew wondered in we were going to be laid-in (day off). Our captain is now on his regular schedule of working four 10-hour shifts from Friday through Monday. This means his regular days off are Tuesday (today), Wednesday, and Thursday. This meant our regular captain would not be here today, tomorrow, and the next day. There are relief captains who fill in for the regular captains, but a few of them are on vacation. My friend was pulling for a lay-in. Actually, my friend pulls for a lay-in on most days, but once he starts working, he really gets into it. I had mixed emotions about a lay-in because, yesterday, I geared my attitude in the best way since I got here. This made yesterday fly bay, and I was hoping for more of the same.

My whole crew was lined up, and oddly, the C/O who checks all the inmates out skipped our line. Also, there was not a fire captain at the front of our line like there was for the other four crews. The prospects of having a lay-in were increasing. The C/O checked all the other crews out and then came to our line. He informed us that we were, indeed, laid in, which meant we had the day off. This has only happened once before a few weeks ago, and that was on a Friday. Being laid in on Friday is not so bad because it makes for a three-day weekend. Now we were laid in on a Tuesday, which does break the week up. After being informed of this, my friend and I returned to our room. He went right to his bed and crawled underneath the covers. This was good for him because he needs the rest. I, on the other hand, do not like to sleep during the day because it messes up my body clock. Instead of sleeping, I picked up “C is for Corpse” by Sue Grafton. I read for most of the morning, only stopping briefly to shave.

This morning, I thought a great deal about attitude and how a positive one goes a long way. I had the whole day in front of me, and I was not going to be one of those inmates who stands around as says, “I’m tired”. A call came of the PA system looking for volunteer workers. I may have a positive attitude, but I am not crazy enough to volunteer for the rock-picking, weed-pulling, and manure-shoveling jobs. In fact, everyone on my crew ignored the call for volunteers. I treated today much like I have treated the past 11 months; it was what I made it. As I mentioned, I read for most of the morning, and while I was checking in at lunch, the C/O surprisingly handed out the mail. I received one piece from a dear friend. I returned back to my room and made my lunch. I also sat outside enjoying the bright, beautiful sunshine.

This afternoon was a perfect time to write some letters. I wrote back to my dear friend. I also composed letters to my wife, daughter, and son thanking them for the lovely Father’s Day cards. I had another letter to write, and soon after finishing, I started to write the blog earlier than usual so I may have another opportunity to sit at the table of normal tonight. No, I didn’t have a day of work, but amazingly, those eight hours passed by faster than the eight hours did yesterday. It truly is all about attitude, and I noticed a fellow inmate who is what is called an “in-camper”. This means he does not go out of camp to fires and grade projects. This inmate is the bathroom porter, and his sole responsibility is to clean the bathroom. I have noticed that this inmate is up early working out even though, conceivably, he has the whole day to do what he wants as long as the bathroom is cleaned. I like the fact he structured his day as if he was going to a 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. job. I, too, would do the same thing. I observed him cleaning the bathroom, which is a thankless job having 72 inmates sharing the same bathroom facility. It only stays clean for an hour at most, but he does all he can do. I really wouldn’t want this job, but if worse came to worse, I would make it work just like this inmate is making it work. It really doesn’t matter what task I do during the day as long as I maintain a positive attitude. There are 24 hours in a day, and my work assignment is only 33% of that time. The other 33% is for sleeping (or there about), and the other 34% is for me. These are the segments of my day. I will maintain a positive attitude all throughout each segment, and I won’t let any segment ruin my day. Today was a day for me, and I don’t know what lies ahead for tomorrow, which is why I enjoyed today. Life continues to move forward, and my life moves forward with a positive attitude.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Table of "Normal"

Sunday seems to be the fastest day of the week. I didn’t do much in the afternoon yesterday other than write; however, the day flew by. After writing, I listened to the radio in order to obtain updates on the men’s U.S. Golf Open. It sounded like an exciting finish as Tiger Woods fell short on the final hole. The rest of the day I just relaxed with my friend. We do spend a great deal of time with one another, but we have not gotten on each other’s nerves. We do have a good relationship, and I would have never imagined 11 months ago that I would be sharing a room with a friend. This journey continues to amaze me in a positive manner.

After dinner, I had all evening to myself since I completed my writing earlier. Sunday nights are the nights to sign up for telephone calls during the week. I don’t necessarily need to sign up for these calls because the best time to call my wife is on Saturday in the early afternoon. This provides me with the opportunity to go through the bail bonds company which eliminates the expense for my wife. I do like to sign up during the week just in case something comes up and I do need to get in touch with her. Also, I can schedule my weekly telephone call to my mother. I think I am going to change this to every two weeks because the telephone calls are much too expensive to call every week. The telephone signup occurs at 7:00 p.m., and I had a scheduled call to my mother 30 minutes later. After the telephone signup, I stayed outside.

Before I go any further, I need to add some background. Ever since I arrived here, I noticed four inmates sitting at a table each night talking, and on some occasions, they play scrabble. These four inmates are what I would characterize as “normal”. This is not prison normal but everyday, out-in-the-real-world normal, meaning these four inmates don’t look like they belong in prison. One of the inmates is on my crew, and he is an ultra-normal inmate. I found it fascinating that these four would sit and talk every night. I looked at this table and thought to myself I could actually fit in, which is very unusual. I am not one to crash an ongoing conversation, so I watched from afar. Also, most nights I am in my room writing. Last night I was outside and had a question for the member on my crew who was at this table. I approached him and asked the question. The next thing I realized I was part of the table of “normal” for the rest of the evening. I had to take 30 minutes to call my mother but returned to the table afterwards. By the way, 30 minutes is still not enough time as we ran out of time. I had a wonderful conversation with my mom, and I laughed all during the conversation.

I did return to the table and stayed around talking to these “normal” inmates until 10:00 p.m., which is the time we are required to be in our rooms. This was a great way to spend an evening. One of the guys was so similar to me it was almost scary. We attended the same University (University of Maryland). He was two years ahead of me, and he has also has peculiar eating habits (not as peculiar as mine but very close). He is also an exercise addict, and I see him outside every morning either jogging or walking. We talked, and I found out he, too, maintains a journal (not a blog) and has throughout his journey. He received more time on his sentence because he went to trial and lost. He will be here until September of next year. He is a very normal person and certainly doesn’t belong in prison. I don’t know the specifics of his case, but it does appear he was indicted for something he did not do. This is where our similarities end because I most certainly committed the crime and have no one to blame but myself.

I have always wondered how people come to terms with being in a prison even though they did not commit the crime. I had a hard time being in prison, and I know I committed the crime. Here was a person who I believe (normally I do not believe an inmate when they tell me they are innocent or were framed, but this inmate I do believe is guilty by association, nothing more) did not commit the crime for which he is currently serving a sentence. This is powerlessness, and we talked about how our lives are out of our hands while in prison. I accept this fact, and so does he. I had a fascinating conversation with this person, and now anytime I am outside during the evening, I am welcome at the table of “normal”. By the way, other than speaking with this inmate, I did participate in the group discussions, which ranged from making fun of other inmates to discussing why women who win the Academy Award for best actress seem to have their careers stopped. I am not willing to categorize the table of normal as a think tank, but it was one of the best group discussions (outside of my friends from GA) I have had in a very long time. At least, I know normal people do exist here at fire camp.

This was the latest I have stayed out since I arrive here almost a month ago. I came inside, and my friend was already in bed. Normally, I am in my bed as well at this time. This was a good change of pace, and it gave my friend some alone time. I quickly went to sleep after coming into the room.

My neighbors across the way were once again on the early-morning exercise plane because it was Monday. They did get up and go work out, and my friend and I have been joking with them about exercising only once a week. I did see two of the “normal” inmates outside running this morning. I am certainly not unique as other inmates share my outside-the-norm-for-prison qualities.

Since today is inspection day, my friend cleaned our room yet again. We may have an Oscar/Felix relationship, but the roles of Oscar and Felix keep switching! My friend has the room all cleaned by the time I finished showering. We went to breakfast after my friend mopped the floor. After eating, I returned to the room and made my sandwich being very careful to not get any crumbs on the clean floor. I was booted, suited, and ready for work as I made my way outside. I filled up my CamelBak and waited for the work call.

The work call came, and I lined up by the fire bus. The C/O checked us out, and just like that, my workweek was underway. I got on the fire bus and found out we were headed back to the same spot where we spent most of last week, which was Diamond Valley Lake. We were armed with plenty of weed trimmers as we were going to finish up on the exterior lake area we started last week. Today, I came to grips with these projects. I broke it down very simply. It is what it is, and there are only four actual hours of work. By the time we arrived and had our tools, it was 10:00 a.m. This gave us two hours of work until lunch. Lunch is an hour from noon to 1:00 p.m. We work from 1:00 p.m. to 3:15 p.m., taking a 15-minute break. At 3:15 p.m., we are done for the day.

Today passed by surprisingly quickly. Breaking the day down into segments helped me a great deal. I was armed with a rake, which was the right tool for the job. This made a world of difference from last week when I was using the pitchfork. I started the day out working by myself at a slow but steady pace. I did catch up with my crew members and worked in tandem with them in the afternoon. I purposely tried to not look at my watch until the halfway point of each segment. I was able to do this, and by me keeping moving, both the morning and afternoon passed by very quickly. We were done for the day before I even realized it. Monday really wasn’t so bad, and it certainly beat the rock fiasco of Friday.


We drove back to camp and were checked in slightly early because the C/O’s on duty are very secure in their positions and adhere to common sense along with having a low-key approach. It is fascination watching the different personalities of all the C/O’s and how they approach their jobs. This can be broken down even further as they are paired together. Sundays and Mondays are very relaxing days as these C/O’s run a very well-managed program. The rest of the week gets a little dicey as certain personalities add edginess to the program. The edginess is felt all throughout the camp. I do prefer the calm way in which Sundays and Mondays are managed.

At this point, my afternoon routine kicked in. On Monday, the results of the inspection are posted on the camp bulletin board. Unfortunately, my friend/roommate had an infraction which was very unusual because he cleaned the room very well. This infraction had nothing to do with the cleanliness. My friend forgot to lock his locker which is required on inspection day. Our dorm area had six infractions, including my friend’s, which was second best among the six dorms. This means we will be the second dorm to go to “store” this week. My friend’s infraction did not deter our dorm from going first because the first-place dorm had 2 less infractions than ours. Of course, my friend received some good active kidding from our neighbors for not locking his locker. He took the joking very well.

After dinner, I returned to my room, and instead of starting my writing, I read a local newspaper. There were two articles on prisons that were very interesting. There seems to be some discrepancy as to when the federal judge will issue his decision regarding the overcrowding problem. The article I read today mentioned this decision would be forthcoming on June 27, while every other article I have read mentions June 19 (tomorrow) as the date for the decision. I don’t know which is the right date, but I do know only time will tell. I was also waiting for mail call to be announced so I headed outside. I was able to stop by the “table of normal” for an extended stay as the mail call was 30 minutes behind schedule. I did participate in a few conversations that were good, but I really wanted my mail. Finally, the mail call arrived, and I received two pieces. One letter was from my mom along with photographs of my nephew’s eighth grade graduation and one envelope from my wife filled with Father’s Day cards from my children and wife. My wife also sent photographs of my son’s kindergarten graduation. My goodness, he is now going into first grade, and my daughter is going into fourth grade. The time does go by fast, and I can’t wait to share this time with them. There was one photograph in particular which caught my eye. It was a photograph of my wife and son. They both looked great as usual, but my wife looked amazing! She has always been a beautiful lady, and now it appears she is getting even more beautiful. God, I miss her, but it won’t be long until I actually see her beautiful face. Everything I received from my family was amazing, and my heart was filled with warmth. I love them so much and miss them so much.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Happy Father's Day, 2007

My poor friend was up all night coughing. Apparently, he caught what I had earlier in the week. Strangely the tickle in my throat and the slight loss of my voice didn’t manifest itself into a full-blown cold. Since my friend was up all night, subsequently, I was up with him as I am still a very light sleeper. It didn’t bother me because I have become accustomed to interrupted sleep. I stayed in bed today until 6:00 am and did not work out today. I went through my personal hygiene routine, watched some television news before breakfast.

I arrived back in my room to see my friend still in bed which is very unusual for him. He was fast asleep and although I didn’t want to wake him, I had no choice because we must either wave off for breakfast or attend in the dining hall. The time to wave off had passed so I had no choice but to wake him. He woke up but was very groggy. He did make it to breakfast on time.

After breakfast I was sitting and watching for my visitors. Sure enough they pulled into the parking lot at 8:30 am. I arrived at the visiting area to see 4 dear friends waiting to see me. Three of these friends were here 2 weeks ago and the other friend has actually visited me in Jamestown back in February. They were here to take part in the GA Meeting. They came with snacks and GA materials and a pamphlet for working the steps in the Program. This is a great worksheet and once again my friends are so thoughtful. They also brought 3 visiting forms for 3 other GA members who would like to visit me. I only recognized one of the names but they are all members so they are friends to me.

Seeing my friends on Father’s Day was extra special. Here I am in prison and 4 of my dear friends took the time out of their busy day to visit me! The meeting was excellent and one of the great things about it is we stay true to the principles of the Program. One of the keys in GA is people helping people overcome a gambling problem. My friends continue to help me overcome my gambling addiction but they do mean much more to me. They constantly teach me what a friend is and today was wonderful!

It was time to go and we embraced warmly as we said our good-byes. I had some materials to bring back into camp and just like last week, I showed these to the CO on duty. He told me I could carry these back in which was different from last week as he took the items I had so I could pick them up later. I didn’t think much of it as I headed back to the office to check back into camp. I walked into the office and was greeted by the Sergeant. I showed him what I was bringing back which was a pamphlet, copies of the reflections for the day, and a letter from my friend. The Sergeant seemed none too pleased to see that I had these items. He proceeded to somewhat interrogate me and told me if I were to bring anything back to camp again, I would get written up. I maintained my composure and only said, “Yes, sir. No, sir. I didn’t know, sir.” He confiscated the letter and the copies of the reflections but let me keep the Steps Pamphlet. I walked out of the office somewhat perplexed but nothing was going to spoil my day even a bad mannered sergeant. Here I was stuck in the middle of these inconsistencies. The CO at the visiting area said I could take the items back but the Sergeant said he would write me up! I would call this a Catch-22 situation; damned if I do, damned if I don’t. I will follow the rules but it does get challenging when they change so often.

Enough of the negative! I would like to wish my Dad a very “Happy Father’s Day.” My Dad had some very big issues when I first started this journey over 2 years ago. Now (again) thanks to my recovery, my relationship has gotten much better. I still have a long way to go, but I am on the right track. Dad, I hope you had a wonderful Father’s Day!

Saturday, June 16, 2007

These Saturdays Are So Quiet

Last night I had a very strange dream. I was back in the town where my family currently resides in New Jersey. I was working in a supermarket where I once worked when I was 16 years old. It was unclear whether the dream was current or it was when I first worked there 25 years ago. Oh my goodness, I can’t believe it has been 25 years since I got my first job. Wow! Where has all the time gone?

I was able to sleep in today until 5:30 am. I had nothing pressing all day except for writing. Saturday does provide the perfect day to compose letters and today I wrote 3 of them. I like to take my time and today I had plenty of that.

My crew was on the fire roll but once again the fire calls remained silent. The lack of fire calls seem to be annoying some of my crew members but certainly doesn’t annoy me. Obviously, if a fire call arrives, I will do my best to fight the fire but for now I don’t mind the lack of fires. I do find it a bit ironic that fire captains who are paid to fight fires (actually they are paid not to fight fires as well, but they do earn a significant part of their salary while on overtime fighting fires) are actually rooting for fires. This also goes for some of the crew members. I find this to be bad karma and I won’t be rooting for any fires anytime soon.

The afternoon started out by calling my wife. I found a way to save my wife some expense of the collect calls through the Bail Bond Office which is available during the early afternoon hours. I was able to contact my wife through them which allows her to talk to me cost free. When I call through the company, the 15 minute time frame is shortened because connecting through them takes time. I was able to speak with both my children. My goodness, they continue to grow up and my son now has very good conversations on the telephone. He told me about his soccer game which was played earlier today. His team won 2-0 and he was the goalie recording his first shutout. Then I spoke with my daughter who continues to mature each time I speak with her. Her soccer game didn’t go as well since her team lost and she didn’t score any goals. On the other hand her softball team is in the playoffs and if they win their next game, they will be in the championship game. She is getting more confident with softball and her hitting has come along way. Early in the season she was very down on herself. Now she is very upbeat about the games. This was great to hear and both of my children wished me a Happy Father’s Day. This will be the last Father’s Day I will be separated from my children. I had a great conversation with my children and as is always the case it was great hearing their voices. Last week I was down but not this week. They will be here in less than a month. I know their stay will be brief, but it will be well worth it just to see each of them.

Saturdays can be difficult without visits because I have so much down time. I do try to use my time effectively, but after composing the letters and reading all I wanted to do was relax. Standing outside helped and when I came in I listened to my radio.

While I was eating dinner, one of my crew members received word on the court action scheduled for this Tuesday regarding the prison overcrowding issue. This crew member’s wife came to visit him and brought an LA Times online article which was dated today. There was good news and bad news. It doesn’t appear that I will be receiving an earlier release date. The Federal Judge overseeing the case is leaning toward the parole reform first and foremost. The biggest problem here is parole. Over 50% of the inmates which equals about 80,000 – are here for parole violation which could be as insignificant as missing a parole appointment, failure to report on time, going beyond their designated area and other inconsequential things. Currently, the parole period is 3 years no matter the crime. If a parolee completes their commitment, they can be off parole in 13 months. Apparently many parole violations are of no threat to society and only add to the prison overcrowding. In a given year, 180,000 inmates can be in and out of prison within one year for a violation. So the Federal Judge is looking to shorten the parole period from 3 years to 3 months for non-violent offenders, 6 months for violent offenders and 1 year for violent offenders who use a weapon. This is where the good news occurs for me because if this new parole policy is implemented, I will be off parole in May of next year instead of March of the following year. Once I am off parole I am free to leave the state of California which opens up my options greatly. I won’t know for sure until Tuesday when the Federal Judge issues his ruling, but according to this article, the news is positive for parole reform which does help me.

I was waiting for pill call tonight because I have this strange rash on my right bicep which turns out might be poison oak. It is very prevalent in this area and judging by how much I have been in the wilderness, it wouldn’t surprise me a bit. Ah, the great outdoors! I knew I chose to work in an office for a reason!