Self-doubt Why???

It appears I have to alter this training schedule since my “old” body needs the day after the intense session as a day of rest. The schedule calls for me to run the day after but my legs thanked this morning as I decided to take the day off. This was the case last week and I suspect the case going forward over the next 10 weeks. Yes, it is 10 weeks before the Arizona Rock n’ Roll marathon and 11 weeks before the Carlsbad Marathon.

Cost wise it makes sense to run the Carlsbad Marathon as opposed to the Arizona Marathon but I do have some unfinished business with that marathon having failed to complete it the one and only time I ran it almost five years ago. I can’t believe it will be five years come this January and time continues to pass so quickly. I have had a very generous offer from a good friend in GA who resides in Arizona so I am still contemplating since the cost will be defrayed slightly but there is still a matter of transportation. I don’t know and I will apply the principles of the program taking it one step at a time.

I had a full schedule planned today at work and I had a very important meeting to attend. Yesterday was one of those moments where I may remember for a long time to come and today was the real test. I spent most of the morning in meetings and the very important arose around midday. This was one of the best meetings I have ever had in my career and also could be one of those “defining moments”. I won’t get ahead of myself since life is full of twist and turns and most certainly any business deal is also full of these same twists and turns. However; the first step was taken and it was a very positive first step. I remember writing about a very important meeting I had a few months ago which led to my current position. I didn’t have a clue it would lead to my current position so I don’t know where all of this will lead but I am energized.

During one of the earlier meetings I was complimented tremendously to the point of being embarrassed. Of course it was very nice to hear these things but in the back of my head there were doubts and I wanted to know why these doubts occur. The compliments were of me being honest, trustworthy and an overall “good” person. I know I have heard these things in the past which is why there is such a disconnect from my transgressions to the real me.

There is no doubt in my mind that without the compulsive gambling addiction none of those transgressions would have occurred. I can still hear the judge saying, “Not all compulsive gamblers steal”. This is true and thank God this is true but I was a compulsive gambler who stole to perpetrate a ridiculous addiction. I know what I did was so wrong yet in the depths of everything I could not stop myself. This is the hardest thing for so called “normal” people to understand now three plus years in recovery I can’t believe what a fool I had been. Thankfully my life continues to get better with each passing day as I am committed to recovery and incredible events continue to happen.

This particular meeting was one of those incredible events and as I listened I still had self-doubt. I want to erase this self-doubt so much but that would mean I have ignored my past. The people I work for know my situation precisely and are giving me a tremendous opportunity. There are people I meet who don’t know my past and just look at me for what I am. There is a part of me that wants to tell them everything but I realize that may not be the best course of action. I had a conversation with my sponsor this evening about this subject and I was told there is a fine line “we” all must take. I know everything will continue to work out for the very best but this self doubt creeps in with all the “what ifs?” I hope this is all part of the natural process and I don’t want the “hope for the best expect the worst” syndrome once again. I am expecting the best and know it will come through no matter the little self doubt I continue to experience.

The day moved so quickly and I reported back to the office about the earlier meeting. I delivered very good news and was told some even more good news. I wasn’t looking for any affirmations but received some very big affirmations. I continue to move ahead in a positive manner and it is all due to recovery. I can see how this has happened in my life and it is a very clear roadmap to an incredible life. This started when I entered that Gamblers Anonymous meeting over three years and eight months ago and continues each day in recovery. There were a series of decisions I made that have precipitated all of these events. These are all directly related to my “new” life.

Last week I had heard a name mentioned from my past which could commingle with my present. I hadn’t heard this name in sometime and was very intrigued at the prospect of seeing this person once again; however; I remained silent when the person’s name was mentioned because that would bring “two worlds” together and I am not ready to take that step. I know at some point these worlds will come together but I am not about to mess with any Plan that continues to make my life wonderful. All things happen for a reason and I won’t let my ego takeover anymore!!