Finally, The Day

This was written by Paul on July 12th at 11:00 pm and sent to his mother to post in the blog.

After a restless sleep (if lying in bed wondering when the next time I would have to go to the bathroom is considered sleep) my wife and I woke up in our dear friend's home knowing full well today would be the day. Last night my wife and I had a very enjoyable dinner aka "last meal" at a local Italian restaurant. Unfortunately, for me my nerves were completely shot and as we returned back to our friend's house, the dinner had gone right through me and I couldn't get to the bathroom quick enough. I spent a considerable part of the evening in the bathroom which sort of spoiled "our last night" together.

We had picked up a movie but never got around to watching it due to my "nervous" issues. We retired or actually my wife retired to bed while I wrote my last official blog. (Hopefully, I can maintain my blog with the incredible assistance of my mother. Thanks, Mom) I then settled into bed where sleep didn't come easily. My last official run to the bathroom (so sorry about the potty talk) was around 5:00 am until my wife arose from her sleep. At this time, my stomach was feeling a little better and asked my wife if she could go and get some bagels. I thought the plain bagels would settle my stomach. Of course, my wife being the wonderful angel that she is went for them.

When she returned, I ate one of them and the rest of the morning was uneventful. We got our suitcases together. I put mine upstairs in my friend's house not knowing the next time I would use them again. I helped my wife with all the suitcases she was going to take with her. I finished some loose ends and we headed off to court for the last time.

As we headed there, we went a completely different way then we had gone the other 28 times. My friend lives on the other side of the courthouse so we came in the opposite direction. As we made the 7 minute trip, we passed new home after new home and I was questioning myself whether we were going in the right direction because it looked just too nice! My wife even commented, " I don't know if I could live this close knowing there was a jail nearby." After the beautiful new homes, there was a break in the development and we came upon the courthouse.

We pulled into the parking lot and immediately saw my wife's best friend who has also become my best-friend, too. She is truly a great woman! After seeing her, I saw many of my incredible GA friends and knew the time was drawing near.

Before getting out of the car,I gave my wife my wedding ring which I have wrn faithfully for the past 13 years and 9 months. My wife quietly slipped it on her finger. We got out of the car and greeted all our friends with hugs. There was some paperwork which I needed to sign from my wife's best friend which was quickly done. After signing the paperwork, I got a quick minute alone with my wife. I told her I loved her and she said she would wait for me. I didn't want to say anything further for fear of completely losing it. We hugged and kissed for the last time in quite awhile.

We entered the courthouse and saw the rest of our dear friends. The line was very long going through the metal detector. I knew most of the line was due to our great friends showing their support for my wife and myself.

I saw a dear friend after going through the metal detector who was wearing shorts. I knew the bailiffs and the judge in the courtroom frown on shorts. So, I informed my friend that he may not be able to get into the courtroom because of his shorts. My friend who is os very understanding said he would try to get in anyway. Unfortunately, the quicker he tried to get in, the quicker he was escorted out! I did feel badly, but in a way I had hoped that I, too would have worn shorts instead of my navy blue suit so I couldn't hear my sentence. But, obviously, this would have delayed the inevitable once again.

To be continued...

My apologies to all who have rightfully complained about stopping in the middle of a story. I was leaving for a few days, and since my typing skills are s o o o slow, I decided to post what I had done. Again my apologies.

And, the rest of the story...

It was time to go into the courtroom after I gave hugs and received well wishes from all my dear friends. We file into the courtroom and I let everyone go in first because - one I wanted to be polite - and two I really didn't want to go! It was a good thing I did this because I got to see a very unexpected attendee ~ my great uncle and his wife. I was genuinely touched by their support and he told me if there is anything he could do, he would do it. I told him just seeing him and his wife was enough for me. There are some GREAT people in this world and I continue to be blessed by so many of them.

I finally made my way into the courtroom, only to find there were no more seats available.
The bailiff asked my very tremendous support group if anyone was willing to give up their seat for me. Of course, my GA sponsor (who is incredibly selfless) gladly did just that.

I sat directly behind my wife and her best-friend. I was happy my wife sat next to her because her best-friend would provide her with all the support she would need when the sentence was rendered. I sat on the aisle next to one of the many incredible friends I have met through the GA program. This friend knew I was very uneasy and did her best to comfort me with pats on the back and rubbing my shoulders.

We were all finally situated when the judge started calling the cases. Of course, my case was one of many and wasn't the first one called. Then my attorney came over to me and wanted to talk. We went to the back of the courtroom when he told me the one issue that has been holding up my sentence for the past three months has been dropped. I was confused and thought I didn't hear him correctly which I had him repeat. Yes, the Deputy District Attorney had dropped the issue. However, I am unclear as to "why". The fact that the issue was dropped was a good thing. It meant, yes, today would be the day I got sentenced because there weren't any other issues standing in the way. My attorney also told me something else which may be very beneficial to my wife and children but this remains to be seen. I was given two very positive pieces of information and my stomach continued to feel better.

I went back to my seat, and what seemed like an eternity, even though it was only 15 - 20 minutes, my case was finally called. I quickly got up and went to the defendant's lawyer's table. As I looked back, I touched my wife on the shoulder and saw my friend, who I was sitting next to, get up and get my GA sponsor. I was very happy to see my INCREDIBLE friend enter the courtroom and take my seat in the audience.

After some legal formalities, we were ready to proceed. I got the impression the judge wanted to render his sentence right then and there, but I had three amazing people, who I am honored to call friends, speak in my behalf. Knowing what the judge had said at my first sentencing-hearing, I knew there was nothing anyone could say or do which would change the judge's mind. The three wonderful friends who spoke on my behalf did a magnificent job. Each one was great and and I am honored they took the time and said those meaningful words about my wife, my family, and myself. Even though it didn't change anything in the judge's mind, it meant the world to me. I am not a worthless person. I am a worthy person and I owe everything to my family, my friends, and the GA program.

I had tears in my eyes as the third and final speaker finished. Now the judge asked my lawyer if he had anything further to say and he replied, "no". I was hoping he would add something even though he did say what he wanted to say at the first sentencing hearing which was on record. I knew I was not going to get probation, but I was hoping my attorney would reiterate the positive items in my sentencing memorandum such as my job offer from the Las Vegas Recovery Center, the Al Roker interview, the CBS radio special "Rush to Ruin" by John North and the many letters of reference in regard to my recovery, but he mentioned none of these things.

After asking Assistant District Attorney if he had anything to say, which he did not, the judge was ready to render his sentence. As soon as the judge started speaking, I knew my fate. I am not completely sure of the exact words, but I knew my term would be four years in the state prison. I do remember the judge saying, "There must be consequences for his actions."

Now, I can go into a long diatribe about all of the consequences such as loss of career, house, car, and money. A state prison sentence only adds to the list. Yes, I do completely understand that I need to be punished for my actions. I must remember the overall exposure at the beginning of my case was 21 years so the 4 years seems like a good deal. However, when I compare my case to the city inspector of Murrieta who embezzled just about half of what I did ($260,000 vs. $499,000) and this person recieved probation. This carries a one year term in the county facility in which he served 13 days. This person embezzled due to a gambling problem just like me. However, as far as I understand (we share the same attorney) he has done nothing about his gambling addiction and had nothing substantial in the sentencing memorandum. These types of comparisons will drive me insane so I must put them to rest.

When the judge rendered his sentence of four years, I heard a little gasp from the audience. The bailiff came behind me, put on the handcuffs, and led me out of the courtroom. As I was being led through the side door, I turned to see my wife. She was noticeably shaking and crying with her head on her best-friend's shoulder. Even though there were 25 people in the courtroom, at that moment I could only see my wife and her best-friend. I wanted to tell my wife that I was "okay" and everything would be "okay", but contact is prohibited. As I was led away, I mouthed to my wife "I LOVE YOU" and gave her a quick wink.

I don't know why I chose to give her a wink because this is a little out of character for me and I was thinking of a nod of the head but the wink came first. I know everything will be okay because the last 16 months have proved this and I wanted my wife to believe we will get through this. I hoped the wink didn't give a bad impression. I meant it in no disrespect whatsoever. The bailiff led me away and I tried to get another look at my wife, but the bailiff prevented this. He emptied my pockets which consisted of $45.00, my driver's license, and my serenity stone. I was ready for today so I didn't take my wallet or any other unnecessay items but I needed my serenity stone.

The baliff undid my tie and belt and asked if there were any items in my pocket which would stick him. I told him, "No, only a serenity stone." His reply was "What?" I answered back, a serenity stone, and tried to explain but he was uninterested. Then I was told to step into the elevator, the bailiff pushed the button and I went - unassisted - to the holding cells. When the elevator reached the bottom level, a voice came over the intercom and told me to pick up my stuff.

I bent down to pick up the zip-loc bag where the bailiff had placed my belt, driver's license, $45., and serenity stone. My wrists were handcuffed together behind my back so it was no easy feat picking up the bad which laid on the ground. Somehow I managed and followed the red-line as the mystical voice over the intercom had advised. About ten feet outside the elevator, I was met by a female prison guard who had recognized me from last year and had asked me what I had done this time? I quickly replied, "No, there is no this time, it is the same as last year." We walked a little further and she told me she knew someone I worked with and mentioned thier name. I told her I thought her friend was a very good person and I always liked them. The guard then told this person also like me.

Here I am in the bowels of Southwest Detention Center having just been sentenced to four years in state prison, and a guard who I met for all of five minutes 16 months ago, remembers me and tells me we have a mutual friend who still respects me even though I'm headed off to prison. Even in the most unlikely places, my higher power continues to reassure me that I am a good person and everything will be alright.

This very polite guard handed me off to the booking officer. We struck up a small conversation when he asked me what my sentence was. I told he and another guard four years which brought a little "oh, man" from one of the guards. One of them could not believe I received a sentence of this length for embezzlement. I found myself defending the sentence as just when I recited what the judge had said some thirty minutes prior. After our conversation and giving them ny vitals - age, weight, height, marital status, etc. I was led to a holding cell.

A holding cell is a five by five room with cinderblocks on the wall. The cinderblocks are painted and off-peach. I think it is an off-peach because it's not white, tan, beige, or orange so I will call it off-peach. In the room is a slight cinder-block wall which provides "privacy" for the sink and toilet. This is situated in the rear of the cell and there are two wooden benches on each side of the cell with one telephone.

As soon as I saw the telephone, I knew I had to contact my wife but forgot that only collect calls can be placed and my wife only had her cell phone which does not accept collect calls. I tried to phone my mom because I wanted to talk to her but no one was home to answer. After I hung up the phone, another guard came to get me so I could change my clothes and decide where I should be housed.

I undressed out of my suit and changed into the white boxers, white tube socks, orange top and bottom along with the rubber soled reddish sandals. I would have received a tee shirt to go under the orange top but they were all out. I was aked a series of questions about my physical health and mental health. No, I didn't want to kill myself because I know I can get through the next two year without seeing my wife and children. But not having them see me forever would be the worst thing I can do to them which would be the ultimate in selfishness. My life is worth living now thanks to my recovery.

After the series of questions, the guard asked me if I was ever in "Protective Custody" aka PC and I told them that this is where I was housed last year when I was first arraigned. "Protective Custody" is where they put the special needs people who are older or have health conditions or maybe harmed by the "general population" aka GP prisoners, are those who have committed crimes toward women or children. Now, I don't fit into any of these categories, but last year the guard thought that there may have been some Native-Americans aka Indians who may have been upset at me since I stole from their casino.

I didn't have any problems last year in "PC" so I decided to go this route again. Last year, everyone including the prison guards and inmates were vry respectful and there weren't any issues. I have since found out that the GP is very political or shall I say racist because the whites stick together, the blacks stick together, and the Latino/Mexicans stick together. In PC, there is some racism, but it doesn't matter if a white person gives their food to a black person, whereas in GP this could create problems. I get along with everyone and respect any and all rules, so being in PC is fine with me. I do know that there are some inmates in PC who have (how shall I put it) less than desirable crimes which I choose not to know about.

After this discussion, I was led back into the holding cell while I was awaiting my bunk assignment. I again saw the telephone and decided to learn something from last year. I noticed the bail bond company was able to perform a three-way call to anyone. I dialed the bail bond company I have used since the beginning of all this. They were more than happy to help out and dialed my wife's cell phone number. I was so happy to connect with my wife who sounded very good. It was nice to know she was doing well because the last vision I had of her was crying and leaning on her best friend's shoulder. We had a great conversation and it was time for me to go to my bunk assignment.

This was very different from last year when I stayed in the 5x5 holding cell for over 24 hours because there was no place to put me. I was relieved to be going over to the housing unit.

I am sorry I missed one step in the process where my fingers, hand, and palm prints were taken at the very end of a dark hall from the holding cells tucked into the corner was where the fingerprint and picture area was located. My mugshot was taken and hopefully the screen was wide enough for my profile. (That was a joke and those of you who know me know my nose is rather large) I struck up a small conversation with the guard who was processing me and I could tell he didn't have many inmates ask him how he liked his job. He was a little uneasy answering my questions at first but loosened up a bit.

I really like his answer to my question about how he liked his job. He responded, "It is just like anything in life. You get what you put in. If you are half-ass and miserable in your job, you will get half-ass results and feel miserable, but if you are positive and do everything to the best of your ability, then life will be good." I thought this was a great answer and another example of how much meaning there is in my life since I have embraced my recovery.

I was led to the housing unit where I was passed from one guard to another. As I was passed from the Booking Guard, he genuinely wished me the best as we both greeted the Housing Guard. He then led me to the storage room where I grabbed a 1 inch foam pad, two white sheets, and a very prickly blanket. This went along with my 1 x 1 ft file box. Inside the file box was a toothbush, razor, soap, comb. and my "rights sheet as an inmate".

I took all of these items and was instructed to go to Dayroom 4 Bunk 67. I am not sure how many inmates are housed at the Southwest Riverside Detention Center, but I remember hearing something like 1200. Each area is a quadrant with four pods. In the four pods are individual pods; each pod contains 32 cells which house two inmates per pod. Three of the four pods contain cells except for the pod I was headed to. In this pod, there weren't cells, just bunks. There were 40 bunks with the option to add 10 more on the bottom floor and upstairs were an additional 20 bunks so this pod can house up to 70 inmates. As I was led into the pod, I was greeted by a fellow inmate who was known as one of the "trustees". Each pod has three trustees and usually there is one white, black, and Latino/Mexican. These gentlemen are entrusted with enforcing the regulations within the pod. They are also responsible for the cleaning of the pod along with running breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

This good man showed me where my bunk was located and it wasn't a bunk at all. He pulled over a seven foot long, three foot wide hollowed out casket without the lid. This is referred to as a "boat" because the facility is so overcrowded there needs to be temporary bunks and these boats provide this. This is a better system than staying in the 5x5 holding cell for more than 24 hours as I did last year.

After I say where my boat was located, I started to make my foam mattress into a bed, then another inmate came over to help. Before this inmate came over, the trustee who greeted me earlier recognized me from last year. (I guess I have a face or a nose that is hard to forget!) He asked me about my case and he did remember me. He said he was praying for me and he was glad my case had finally come to an end. He also reassured me that my time would go by quickly once I got to state prison.

When the other inmate came up to me, his first words were, "You don't look like a convict. What did you do?" I explained my crimes but I realized after speaking with him that I need to keep it simple and not use the word embezzle. I realized saying that I stole from my employer is much easier. We finished making my "BOAT" and I glanced up at the clock which read 4:30. I did a doubletake because when I was getting fingerprinted I saw that it was 4:45 on the computer screen and wondered how time could actually go backwards! I knew that the last time I was here that time stood still, but this was ridiculous. The trustee who helped me earlier saw my reaction after looking at the clock and quickly came up to me and said the clock was one hour slow. Thank goodness!

My "boat" was all made up and I was ready for the evening. I missed dinner because it is served everyday at 4:00 pm. The very helpful trustee got me some soup and potato chips to help tide me over till breakfast at 5:00 am the next morning. I didn't have the heart to tell this very considerate man my eating habits so I said thank you and put the soup and chips in my filebox. Earlier, as I was processed, I informed the booking officer of my vegetarian eating status and he asked me if it was for personal or religious reasons. First, I found myself stating that it was for religious reasons and this would be true because I firmly believe in my eating habits and this makes it my religion. I had a hard time conveying these thoughts so I just said it was for personal reasons. He told me this would have to be approved by the commander of the jail and I wasn't going to be here long enough to bother with this request so I decided not to pursue it.

My first day of moving forward with the rest of my life drew to a close. As I sat in my boat and looked around at my new surroundings, I couldn't help but think about my wife and two children. Yes, it is going to be two years that I am not in their lives, but I know had I continued the path I was on, I would have lost them forever. Two years will go by and we will all be together once again for a lifetime.