Happy Halloween

What a difference one year makes! Last year at this time my daughter and son were getting ready to go trick or treating in our neighborhood. It was my wife’s turn to chaperone them for the evening while I stayed home and manned the “candy bowl” for the other trick or treaters. My wife and I would take turns each year taking the children out and I believe I may have promised my daughter that I would dress up like Willie Wonka this year when I took them out trick or treating. Unfortunately, I couldn’t make good on that promise because here I sit almost 3,000 miles away from my family. I presume my wife will take the children out if the weather cooperates. The weather always seemed to cooperate while we lived in Southern California and generally the weather would get cooler this time of the year but we never experienced rain. Hopefully it did not rain in New Jersey and the children were able to enjoy their evening.

The neighborhood we lived in was filled with young children so there were many trick or treaters. Of the five years we resided there I believe we nearly ran out of candy each year. We didn’t think it was fair to the other children when they came to our house and no one was home. This is why one of us would stay home and give out the candy. It worked very well each and every year. Also, what seems like an eternity ago; only two years ago my mother was able to come out and visit us for Halloween. My mother (aka “Grandma”) and I took the children out around the neighborhood that Halloween and we had a great time. I dressed as a baseball player and my mother dressed as a witch. This year my daughter is dressing up as a Jazzy witch (think “cool” witch) and my son will be Darth Vader which I am sure he will love. I can’t wait to see pictures from this evening and also pictures from my niece’s sweet 16 costume party where my children dressed in these costumes as well.

Whether I was walking with my children through our old neighborhood or staying home doling out the candy, I always enjoyed Halloween. My children and all the other children were so very happy in their costumes receiving their candies. I believe my daughter and son loved dressing up as much as (maybe even more than) receiving the treats from each house. They would receive so much candy they couldn’t possibly eat it all and the years when I was working in an office I would bring in the left over candy. Invariably the office workers would consume any and all of the candy which was left over. My children wouldn’t eat that much candy. They had their favorites but my wife always limited their consumption especially when they returned on Halloween night. We didn’t want them with too much of a sugar rush prior to going to sleep. Finally if I remember correctly the children seemed to have a scheduled day off from school on Halloween when we lived in Southern California. This was planned by the school board each year and made waiting until 6:00 pm a very long day.

Of course I miss sharing days like today with my family and actually I miss each day I am away from them as well. This is another one of the horrible consequences of my actions. Also, there are some very big holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas which are fast approaching. Each day that I am away from them no matter the holiday or special occasion I miss then dearly. However, I do understand that as each day passes by I am one day closer to being with them for a lifetime. As long as I continue successfully working my recovery there will be many more Halloweens, Thanksgivings, and Christmas’ which I will share with my family. My situation is only temporary and one day like today where there are so many fond memories it makes it a little more difficult. I need to stay focused on being safe and strong in order to get back with them as soon as possible. Hopefully, I can get to a fire camp within the next three months so I will only miss one of their birthdays and I can return to them in time for my daughter’s 10th (wow 10??) and my son’s 7th in February of 2008. Whatever the case, when I do make it back to them I will cherish every second.

It is truly amazing how much I loved the little things in my life yet let my compulsive gambling addiction take this all away from me. Make no mistake it was my decision with horrible choices which led me to a place like this - prison. Here I sit somewhere in North Central California (I think?) counting down the days until I can see my family again. My life was a mess two years ago and out of control somehow I “managed” to have my (normal) alter side enjoy all the little moments Halloween brought. Yet, I could not control my gambling and let it destroy my seemingly normal life. Now 20 months into recovery, my world is anything but normal yet my sanity has been restored. Sure I am spending Halloween and the next two Thanksgivings and Christmases in prison yet my life does get better. This is not just mumbo-jumbo or mere words - this is the truth. If I weren’t in recovery there is no way I could have made it this far. In prison there is a great deal of downtime while I could think about my horrible actions and beat myself up. Thankfully, I do not do this and think about all the blessings in my life.

I do have so many blessings in my life and I am forever grateful. However, my recovery is for ME to become a better person. Yes, I do have so many wonderful people in my life but my recovery is for ME to get better and return myself to sanity. There are so many other people in this world who suffer from many addictions. In fact, I see these people on a regular basis. Some of these people have no one in their lives. They have no one to call on the telephone and they have no one to write to. Most of these inmates are very down on themselves because they believe no one cares about them. To me this is giving up and yes, it is hard for me to have an objective opinion because I do have so many people in my life who do care about me but if I did not care about myself I wouldn’t have anyone in the world. I must concern myself with myself and sure this is a very selfish thought; however, once I dismiss myself I dismiss everything I do believe in. My point is if I don’t care about myself how can I care about anyone else. There are many inmates (no matter how much time they have served) who truly don’t care about themselves for a variety of reasons and in my opinion it is IMPOSSIBLE to recover from any addiction if you simply don’t care. This is very sad because no matter why they are here - they are human beings who can provide a positive purpose. I know it took me to almost lose everything before I firmly committed to my recovery and everyone is certainly different. I do pray for these other inmates that they find their positive purpose and when they are released, they don’t come back. I know there is nothing I can say which would “save” them and I must concentrate on getting myself better each day. I am starting to understand the “revolving door” process of prison the longer I am here.

News update; the California Peace Officers Association (which is the Correction Officers Union) filed a lawsuit yesterday (October 30th) against Governor Schwarzenegger hoping to stop the transfer of California inmates out-of-state (Indiana) on the grounds of this being unconstitutional. I did know the C/O’s union was opposed to this measure but I thought the first lawsuit would come from the ACLU or an inmate’s family testing the constitutionality of this order. According to the news reports all out-of-state transfers are on hold (temporarily) until the lawsuit can be heard by a judge. I have no idea if this applies to me in any way and it probably does not. If these transfers are found to be unconstitutional then the Governor’s office will need to find another alternative method of dealing with the overcrowding since (according to their reports) the prison system will run out of space by June of next year. It will be interesting to see how these issues are resolved in the coming months.

I did receive a confirmation from the “classification” department that I do indeed have an appointment tomorrow (Wednesday, November 1st) for a classification hearing. I don’t know the time and I should receive this tonight. I understand this “hearing” will probably be like the meeting with my counselor at the reception center where he treated me like crap (for lack of a worse word!). Whatever the case I am happy I am moving through the system and I am ready to be “dressed down” once again.