Part One Self-Imposed Lockdown

February 26 Self Imposed Lockdown

I believe it is Lionel Richie who sings “Easy as a Sunday Morning”. Well yesterday being a Sunday was not and all of the previous Sunday mornings are not exactly “easy” while I am in a place like this. It was a pouring down, miserable, dreary day. As I was outside leaving the dining hall to go back to the dorm, one of my dorm mates had made a shift raincoat out of a plastic bag. It was quite clever because it protected his head and coat. As he walked past one of the CO’s, he called over and told to give-up this makeshift raincoat. Apparently, according to the CO, the plastic bag is state property and he destroyed it so he is not allowed to wear it. The sad part about this is the dorm mate is elderly and just wanted to keep dry. He only made it two steps out of the dining hall before being asked to give it up which he did begrudgingly and walked back to the dorm in the pouring rain. He did get very wet as did everyone else.

It was certainly a perfect morning for sleeping in. However, I don’t really like to sleep during the day and I did stay awake enjoying the peace and quiet of the dorm. I took advantage of this time to write and to do more studying. There are good days and bad days along this journey. Thankfully, the good days outweigh the bad days. There are also sad days and I believe the weather of yesterday made it a sad day. I settled into my bunk staring at pictures of my family. It rained all morning and I didn’t have much to do so my mind went to them. I also revisited the misdeeds of my past. This is never a good thing but sometimes my mind ventures back to the past. Thankfully, it was only a visit and I didn’t dwell on anything. The past is gone and there is nothing I can do to change those horrible events. I can only concentrate on today and although it was a sad day, I know that everything will work out well thanks to my recovery. Dwelling in the past is detrimental to my recovery and the key is to recover and not move backward. I continue to move ahead in a positive manner (some days are more difficult than others) and the benefits of recovery are astonishing. I am making it with recovery in my life and I know without it, I have no chance.

As I finished working out inside, the afternoon yard was opening and the rain subsided. At this point I was a sweaty mess and I could have gone out and did some running or the Harvard Wall. It was still cold and very windy so I gave myself a self-imposed lockdown as I remained inside the dorm all afternoon.

I spent most of yesterday afternoon reading the local newspapers and catching up on the local news. As I was reading, I realized it is going to be very difficult to start anew in this area for several reasons. The one main reason is housing costs are very expensive and any job would require a significant commute. Also, I’m not sure if I will have an option of where I can live upon my release because of the parole conditions. I have drafted a letter to my attorney asking him questions regarding my parole. I have to start now and I have to start planning for the future. Some of the decisions my wife and I have to make may have already been decided for us so it would be good to know this before coming to any decisions. The one very pressing issue is where I can live upon my release and this needs to be answered. Hopefully, my attorney will get back to me with answers prior to next year so I can move forward.
I must say the area in southern California where my family and I spent five years was very good in terms of all the special friends we met. It had a wonderful school system for our children and for me the GA group was excellent. I cannot predict what is going to happen upon my release, but I do know I will be with my family “somewhere” which has yet to be determined. I have a great deal of baggage to tend to upon my release in terms of restitution issues. I cannot allow myself to get overwhelmed with this because I must take it one day at a time.

As I was going over my study materials for the thousandth time, I received a ducat to go to medical on Monday. This was very good news but at the same time – bad – because I had a telephone call scheduled to my wife at the same time as my appointment. I must arrive on time – even though I will probably have to wait an hour – otherwise the CO’s will get very upset. Hopefully, this will be the last of the protein drink saga.

I remember one of the dreams I had last night. It had to do with me getting out before my release date. However, I didn’t go directly home to be with my family. One of the terms of the early release was that I had to spend 3 years in a halfway house. This was located in NJ about 2 miles away from where my family is currently staying. The odd thing was the halfway house was a bakery and I was assigned to live there and help with the business. The rules of staying there were very liberal and the owners whom I did not know were very kind and understanding. I was to report there the next day in a car much like the Honda Civic I had in college. I drove off down a main street and looked at all the old style stores – then I woke up. I am sure a psychologist would have a field day interpreting this dream. I won’t go into what I think is the meaning of this dream. I am just happy to be dreaming because it means I have reached a deep sleep.

On my way to the doctor’s appointment, I heard someone calling my name from one of the dorms on the upper tier. It was an inmate from my firefighting class who wanted to show me the quiz that we will be taking tomorrow. I quickly ran to his dorm to look at it. Yes, it was the actual quiz without the answers and I was able to answer all of the questions in about 4 minutes without missing any. I had to stop and think on a few of them but for the most past I breezed through it. He asked me if I wanted him to make me a copy which would have required him to handwrite the 18 questions. It was a very nice offer but I passed and knowing I could answer all the questions was enough for me. I thanked him profusely and made my way back down the stairs for my medical appointment.