Road to Recovery

I have abstained from gambling for the past 11 months and 8 days which is a critical part of my recovery and I cannot have a successful recovery without the abstinence. However; I can abstain from gambling and still not recover from my gambling addiction. I do fully understand my gambling addiction will be with me the rest of my life and I do know I cannot gamble or my life will be completely destroyed. With that stated; I must be a compulsive gambler in recovery rather than to just abstain from gambling.

One of the critical components for me in my successful road to recovery is truly working the Gamblers Anonymous Program. To truly work the Program means I should attend as many meetings per week because the meetings make it. Tonight I went to a different city to attend a meeting and celebrate a significant milestone a one year birthday celebration. This means this particular member has abstained from gambling and been active in the Program for one year. This is quite an accomplishment because this person is in a place where there is not a great deal of abstinence nor recovery. This person understands the Program and the importance of the fellowship which has lead them to a successful recovery; however; I do understand there is no graduation to the Program. There are tools in the Program which need to be applied daily in order for me to continue on the road to recovery.

When I first stop gambling when I was 18 years old I did not understand what being in recovery meant. I knew my life was messed up and I shouldn't gamble excessively. I did not understand the GA Program nor did I take the time to fully get help. This lead to my first relapse and 10 years later I sought help but wasn't willing to give up my self-will which lead to my second and hopefully final relapse.

Over 11 months ago I wanted to find a place where I could recover from my compulsive gambling addiction. I found this place and it is called Gamblers Anonymous. I am completely ashamed of what I have done to my family and myself due to my obsession to gamble. I cannot change any of these horrible decisions I made but I can change myself today and move forward to not repeat those mistakes of the past.

There were four of us who drove up to this meeting and two of the people in the car had a combined 40 years in GA. This means they have abstained from gambling for 40 years but better yet these two people are working their recoveries wonderfully. I can only hope and pray in 20 years to know half as much as these two individuals. These two people understand the value of the GA Program and what it means to give back to the Program. They drove a long way on a work night to attend this meeting but that is what the fellowship is all about.

The fifth unity step in GA states; Gamblers Anonymous has but one primary purpose - to carry its message to the compulsive gambler who still suffers. I thank God these two members were at my first meeting because they were carrying their message to me who was suffering with a compulsive gambling problem. I understand this message and I keep learning more and more about how powerful my addiction had become in my life. I know if I let my guard down this gambling addiction will rear its ugly head and hit me with all its force. My defense is the GA Program and the road map of the Twelve Steps of Recovery. As long as I continuing doing what the GA Program states and work the the Steps my life will continue to get better.

Yes, I am facing some dire consequences in my near future but I know I can get through this tough time because I don't have to do this all myself and I have been given some powerful tools to fully understand my character defects. One of my major character defects were arrogance and thinking I can do everything by myself. I know I cannot handle my compulsive gambling addiction by myself. I tried to do this and failed but now I know there is a Program and people within this Program who have the experience, strength and hope to help me battle my compulsive gambling addiction.

Super Bowl XL

Today was just another day in my recovery from my compulsive gambling addiction and oh by the way one of the largest betting events took place today Super Bowl XL as well. I am happy to report it has been 11 months and 7 days since my last wager which means I made it through Super Bowl Sunday without placing a wager. I remember in the past when I was betting on sports that I would approach Super Bowl Sunday just like any other day when I would place my bets. In fact, I would have more money on the college basketball games which proceeded the Super Bowl.

I always thought of the Super Bowl as amateur day for people who bet occasionally because there was no value in the game. When I look back at this thought I can't help but to see how delusional I really was. Like there was a great deal of value in the Pepperdine/Santa Clara college basketball game which I had bet the night before last years Super Bowl. My denial was endless.

I remember going to see a therapist when I was 18 years old when my compulsive gambling had first gotten me into trouble and having the therapist tell me no matter how long I go without placing a bet when the Super Bowl came around those urges to make a bet would rear their ugly head. I guess I consciously filed this thought away so I would treat the Super Bowl just like any other day of the year. To me the Super Bowl was no big deal and today I sat and watched the game with my wife and didn't have those old urges rear their ugly head. What I have to be very aware of is my daily activities and continue working the Steps of the Gamblers Anonymous Program and continue being active in the Program. Which means not only attending meetings but being attentive at the meetings. I must stay attentive to my recovery or I am destined to repeat those mistakes of my past.

Those mistakes of my past will only be worse this time around which is why I am so fearful to miss any GA meetings. I actually did miss the meeting tonight but I did tell a few of my friends in the Program I would not be attending because I am going to another meeting tomorrow and also tomorrow I have my group therapy session. The reason I missed the meeting tonight was to be with my wife and knowing I would not be home the next two nights I wanted to share the evening with her.

This morning I had the pleasure of having breakfast with one of the nicest people I have met in the past 11 months. I did a lengthy telephone interview with this person about three months ago. He wanted to meet me in person (as did I) and we finally got to meet for the first time this morning. This person has been in the radio business for almost 50 years and has the perfect radio voice. He was such a gentleman and also a true professional. We talked for 2 hours over breakfast and we covered a range of topics from sports to religion to gambling and there was never a dull moment. I was truly impressed with this man and yes, I met him because of some unseemly circumstances but I know some good has come of all of this. I know the piece this man put together on compulsive gambling helped at least one person and this is what matters most to me. If my situation can help one person get help with their compulsive gambling addiction then I am NOT a lost cause.

I am sure there are some people out there who think they have made their last bet on Super Bowl today and it may have even won but I would guess that the majority of the people will be back to making those wagers in the very near future. I do know for myself it was impossible to stop on my own until I finally admitted I am powerless to gambling. This is not an easy thing to do and it took me 22 years to do this. Hopefully, it doesn't have to be this hard for someone else who may think they have a gambling problem.

I didn't set out to be felon 22 years ago but my compulsive gambling addiction led me down this path. It is going to get very difficult for my wife and children in the coming months when I am sentenced to prison. Unfortunately they will bear the brunt of my misdeeds because I will be locked away for whatever period of time. I am so very sorry for my behavior to all those I have affected especially my family they didn't deserve this.

I will do everything in my power to turn this negative situation into a positive one. I do know what I have done in the past 11 months and will continue to do has turned a negative situation into a positive one. I know the next few years will be very rocky for my family but we will get through this because I have the tools and understanding to get through this in a positive manner. We as a family will become much better because of all of this.

Not Alone

One of the very first things I learned in the Gamblers Anonymous Program 11 months ago was I don't have to fight my compulsive gambling addiction alone. I tried this method each time gambling got me into trouble and each time I failed miserably. This time has been different because I have found a group with so much love and support that I don't have to face this illness (compulsive gambling) by myself. I know I cannot do this alone and I don't have to do this alone.

I read an article written by Stephen King regarding the James Frey incident. I will refresh everyone's memory rather quickly; James Frey is the author of Million Little Pieces who embarrassed Oprah Winfrey with his blatant lies in this novel which was about alcohol and drug addiction. Mr. King who is also a recovering alcoholic and drug addict wrote so poignantly regarding the addiction he has and he stated that Mr. Frey's message of the book was misguided. Mr. King stated that most if not all addicts and this goes for any addiction cannot face their addiction alone and the key principle to a positive recovery is honesty. It appears James Frey's novel about addiction missed these points completely.

I can only speak for myself and I know I lied, cheated, stole and did other bad things because I did not want to face squarely my compulsive gambling addiction. However; the first thing I did 11 months ago was to surrender to my gambling addiction because I have no power over it. My gambling controls me and any other thought would be self-destruction. Also; I have found a place (Gamblers Anonymous) where I can go and share the experience, strength and hope of others who share this same addiction. I denied my compulsive gambling addiction for 22 years because I could rationalize any situation. There is no rationalization and no denial anymore; plain and simple; I am and will always be a compulsive gambler and I have no power over gambling.

I have turned this power over to my Higher Power God because my arrogance of thinking I could control this illness by myself is gone. There has to be a Higher Power because I could no longer live the way I have lived for the past 22 years. Denial, self-importance and rationalization are things of the past and I must be cognizant of all these or I will be doomed to repeat the mistakes of my past.

The Gamblers Anonymous Program has shown me a road map toward this success and it is found in the Twelve Steps of Recovery. It truly is a fantastic Program but can only work if I am honest, open-minded and willing. If I am anything less than these three things it will never work. I am diligently working on these steps of Recovery and I will post each step as I progress through them.

There are twelve steps of recovery and only the first step (We admitted we were POWERLESS over gambling and our lives had become unmanageable) can be completed only once all of the rest of the steps must be worked on continuously throughout my life. If they are not worked on continuously throughout my life I will become complacent and will regress in my recovery. My recovery is meant to move forward to a clear goal of having a purposeful positive life. I know applying these steps in my daily affairs will make my life so much better as it has shown me it has in these past 11 months.

This morning we had a wonderful Saturday morning GA meeting which was followed by a tremendous workshop on becoming a Secretary in the GA Program. This workshop was chaired by my sponsor who is one of the most inspirational and kind people I have ever met. He is a truly great person and I am so happy he has come into my life. There are so many people who I wouldn't have met if I didn't join the GA Program and my life wouldn't have been as full as it is today. Good things do happen in bad situations and I am so grateful for all these people.

Dear Gambling

Today the story hit the local newspaper and there was also a small write up in the Los Angeles Times. Here is the link to the story in the local newspaper; I find the article interesting.

I am currently helping a friend of mine who is treating some people with their compulsive gambling addiction at a local out patient treatment facility. Part of the treatment includes a goodbye letter to gambling and I wanted to include my letter here;

Dear Mistress Gambling,

We have known each other a very long time. The first time you came into my life I was 12 years old and felt a pang in my stomach as I made my first wager at the racetrack. I didn’t think much of that pang until years later but that was our first introduction. Four years later you came into my life with full force and even though that first evening was rather horrendous losing all five NBA basketball games I fell head over heals for you. Over the course of the next two years we had some fun but it ended in misery.

My life at 18 years old was a mess but I wasn’t ready to say good-bye to you because I didn’t realize how much you had affected my life. We said so long for the next four years but during those four years you briefly appeared back into my life with the lure of the seduction. Toward the end of those four years you came back into my life and showed me great promise.

Although it did start out as great promise and I thought I was smarter and would “control” you; you ended up making my life miserable once again after a five year courtship. This courtship ended in another separation because I wasn’t ready to divorce you just yet but just like the first time my life became miserable because of the things I allowed you to do to me.

Life was getting better and I tried to avoid you at all costs even though you tempted me several times. Finally after another 5 years of totally avoiding you I gave in because I knew I could “control” you this time. I was a smart man and I could “control” everything in my life. I was dead wrong because you controlled me just like you have done in the past. The relationship was hot and heavy but again it ended in total misery.

I want you out of my life for good because nothing positive has happened with you in my life. Good has only happened when you have NOT been a part of my life. I have experienced life without you for the past 11 months and I really enjoy it. I don’t miss your temptations, seductions and I am tired of chasing you. The chasing never ended when you were in my life. Now that you are out of my life I don’t have to chase anymore.

There is so much more to life without you interfering and besides that I have no power over you. I have given up my power to you to something greater than me God. God has shown me there are more things in life other than you and all of these things add goodness to my life you have only added badness. You are no longer a part of my life and I know God will give me the strength to deal with anything you throw my way. I know you fairly well and I know you want give up without a fight. You will try things that I haven’t seen but I have been given the tools to deal with anything you do throw my way.

I know if I fall for your old and possibly new tricks my life will be over. I will not fall for these tricks because my Higher Power God will guide me through your pitfalls and seductions. You will not win the battle for my soul; you have had my soul for so long and now I want it back. I know I can’t do this myself and need help in battling you and I have found this help. As long as I continue applying these techniques in my daily affairs our relationship is over.

Good-bye old nemesis and remember I have a lot of help that will assist me when you try to come back into my life.

It's Official

It is official; today I stood in front of the judge and plead guilty to all 26 counts against me and with this admonition of guilt accepted the Judge's sentence agreement of no more than 4 years in state prison. This does not mean I will receive 4 years in state prison it means I can get NO more than 4 years in state prison. There is still one more step to go through before I go in front of the judge and receive his sentence. This should all happen rather quickly within the next month or two and I can close this rather horrid chapter in my life and the lives of my family.

Yes, this has been a horrid chapter in my life; however; I have learned so much about myself and continue to learn so much more about myself because I am committed to arresting my gambling addiction. It would be wrong of me to say I will get rid of my gambling addiction because this is not possible. In fact I read yesterday that a Finnish drugmaker is testing a pill that curbs the craving to gamble. You can read more about the story here. One very interesting quote in this article came from Dr. Robert Freedman editor of the American Journal of Psychiatry; "The study is part of emerging evidence that gambling, once thought to be a problem in moral integrity, is instead a problem in brain biology and can be successfully treated."

Based on that previous statement from Dr. Robert Freedman compulsive gambling is problem based on brain biology . This is why some people can gamble normally while others like myself have to gamble compulsively. Although this pill does show promise it should be used in connection with more conventional treatment such as counseling and Gamblers Anonymous as the article rightfully states.

Yes, it appears the brains of compulsive gamblers are hard-wired differently than normal people but the issue of compulsive gambling is more emotional than anything else. Until these emotions are addressed through counseling and or the Gamblers Anonymous Program the compulsive gambler (like myself) will continue to live in denial. All of those people who come into GA hoping for a pill to take away their pain may get this in the coming years but if they take the pill alone they will be missing a huge part of their recovery. I am so glad I have not missed this part of my recovery because I know so many more things about myself now than I have ever known in my life.

After coming back from court my wife and I were talking about my second fall from grace because of my compulsive gambling addiction. I had caused us to file bankruptcy 12 years ago due to my gambling. My wife reminded me of when I went to a psychologist in Las Vegas and until she had reminded me I had totally forgotten. As my wife spoke the only thing I could remember about this psychologist was writing her a check for the session and I remember writing three checks. Which means I only went to three sessions. We didn't connect on any level and I know she did not recommend me going to a GA meeting. Had she recommended me to go to a GA meeting maybe things would have been different but I can't dwell on that. Twelve years ago I was somewhat ready to get help but didn't find the right help for me and decided to quit gambling by myself. This was a very big mistake and I didn't want to repeat this mistake again which is why I have fully immersed myself in the GA Program of recovery.

Getting back to the court session; I was extremely apprehensive last night as I talked with my attorney but for some reason a calmness came over me as I stood in the courtroom. I know what I have done is wrong but I did have issues with some of the counts because I thought they were baseless. It would not have been prudent to fight those baseless charges because the overwhelming concept of what I did was clearly wrong and I might have gotten a worse disposition even if I was successful in fighting those baseless counts. I was not willing to GAMBLE my future because my pride was hurt. I know what I did was wrong and I know which counts are completely correct and which ones are not.

As I entered my guilty pleas to the judge I was happy to hear him state that I am NOT a flight risk and NOT a danger to the community and I was free to go. Don't let this confuse anyone I was free to go because of the statement the judge made but I must be back in court next week for some other matters. But nevertheless I was excited to hear the judge finally address me in a "normal" manner. I am sure this was just a form of procedure but it made me happy.

The end is coming soon and within a few months if not shorter this will all be complete. I will serve whatever time the judge deems appropriate and will continue working my recovery. My wife and I have come up with a plan when I am incarcerated and it is the best plan for my wife and children. I know I will miss a significant portion of my children's lives but it is not forever. Most importantly my wife and children will be in a place with there is so much love and support whatever time I have to serve will go by quickly.

Stop the Pain

I was speaking with a friend of mine last night and as we were taking a trip down memory lane this friend aptly quipped; "you wanted the pain to stop". This friend was so correct; when I was confronted 11 months ago it marked the end of a long sad saga in my life and yes, the pain did stop. I firmly believe I wanted to get caught because I was so careless and the madness had to come to an end. Plain and simple it was madness; I exploited a weakness because of my weakness and I will suffer the consequences.

One of the consequences is my recovery and I thank God everyday I don't have to live like I did over 11 months ago. I know a new life and this life does not include the insanity of gambling. This life is a good and purposeful life which I cherish each and every day. I know the true meaning of family and friends. My family is beyond words and I am truly blessed by everyone in my family. I have lost some friends over the past 11 months but they weren't really friends just acquaintances and I have found some new friends. These new friends are true friends because they accept me for who I am. Also, I have some tried and true friends who have stood by me and my family through this very difficult time; I am a very fortunate person.

Tomorrow marks a very significant day in my court proceedings because something very important will happen. I cannot give it away at this time but I can say something definitely will happen. It is not something positive or negative it is something and this will lead into the final phases of the court proceedings. What I have done is wrong but I have to say some of the things I am accused of are baseless but I have been well versed on how the court operates by my attorney. It is with this knowledge I have come to a decision and although I am not completely comfortable with this decision I have to accept it because this phase is completely out of my hands. Any thought of doing some risky would not be prudent and would do damage to my family.

I know I have done damage to my family but I hope time does heal all wounds. I am not relying solely on time to heal these wounds I am relying on the tools I have learned in my recovery. These tools have been instilled in me by the Gamblers Anonymous Program and one key tool from the GA Program is "principles before personalities". I had to separate my personality from making the decision I made because it was getting in the way and the principle is what matters most. Sure I hurt my pride by making this decision but it is better than the alternative which would be to hurt my family.

Today I attended a group compulsive gambler session at a local treatment facility. I knew the person leading the group and this person asked me if I would like to attend the class and I was very interested. At first when I looked at the handbook which was a repeat of what I have done in my recovery for these past 11 months I wasn't impressed and I was even a little cocky. This was the old Paul and after a few minutes of taking an inventory of myself I was able to get into the handbook and the group session. Recovering from any addiction is a life long process and when I start to think I know more than anyone else I get into to trouble. Briefly this afternoon I started to think like this but fortunately I was able to address my character defect in time and the group session went very well.

Old habits die hard and I am so glad I was able to understand my thinking so clearly because it has been a long time since I have done it this way. Usually in the past I would just do things and not think them through. As long as I continue working the Steps in the GA Program those days of not thinking and poor choices are gone but I must not become complacent. Complacency breeds contempt and contempt has no place in my life.

Just about 11 months ago I was able to stop the pain and a new type of anxiety arose from this pain but I know I have the tools to address this anxiety in a proper way. I didn't know how to cope with myself for so many years and I let my poor uninformed choices rule my life. Not anymore all of my choices are with thought and I do understand any choice I make has consequences affecting not only me but those that surround me. I don't know why it took a very large building to fall on top of me to finally realize I have a compulsive gambling problem but it did and I am on the right road to recovery. I am so very grateful to be on this road because there are some wonderful people on this road. Some of these people have been there for a very long time and I neglected them and some of them have recently come into my life. I am a very blessed person to be surrounded by such great individuals. I will make it through tomorrow and keep on that road to becoming a much better person.

Plans

First off I would like to wish my mother-in-law a very happy birthday. As birthdays go this is a big one and I hope she had a great day. I know we haven't always seen eye to eye on certain things and I know I took her daughter away from her 12 years ago when we moved to Las Vegas but she really is a remarkable woman and I do love her very much. She has so much love for our family it is wonderful and I know I can't say I am sorry enough for what I have put her through. I would like to thank her for all that she has done for me and for our family she is a fantastic lady. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

I don't know who coined this phrase; "Life is what happens when you are busy making plans" because it is so appropriate. Over the course of the past 11 months my wife and I have been asked countless times; "what is your plan". Unfortunately because of what I have done to myself and to my family I have to wait for other extraneous forces to make their decisions before I can make mine. Now that life moves on no matter what and no matter what plans have been made or not been made time marches by.

I have had a plan in place for the past 7 months but the powers that be haven't approved or disapproved of this plan in those 7 months. On Thursday of this week those powers that be will rule on this plan; however; this plan which seemed like a very good idea 7 months ago and was very feasible does not seem so feasible now. I need to have a back-up plan which I do but I fear it may take another seven months for the powers that be to rule on this plan.

My main concern (other than continuing on the road to recovery from my compulsive gambling problem) is with my wife and children. Yes, what I have done drastically effects these three people and I am trying everything in my power to keep some type of consistency for my children. Today my son and daughter celebrated the 100th day of school which means they still have 80 days left and I want them to finish the school year in California. I don't know if the courts take those who I have effected into consideration but I pray to God they do. My back-up plan has everything to do with my family and it is certainly in their best interest.

I know this got me into trouble with the Probation Officer because what I did certainly was not in the best interest of my family it was in my interest only. This would be correct; however; due to my insatiable appetite to make the next bet I lost all sense of reality. Not many people can understand this concept; maybe those who have tried to quit smoking can relate or those with other addictions can relate but the "normal" population does not know of these feelings. I put myself in a situation which I could not control it controlled me. I know now how much of an idiot I was but I didn't know then. This does not excuse the behavior or condone the behavior it only sheds some light on the behavior.

I will meet with my attorney tomorrow afternoon and discuss my alternative plan and see what he says. I have been relying on my attorney a great deal but it is my life not his that hangs in the balance. I cannot change those bad decisions and I must live with what the courts decide; however; my main concern is with my family and I will do everything in my power to see my family does not suffer too much because of what I have done.

Another plan my wife and I have discussed is where will she and the children live when I go away. There are three alternatives; one; stay here in California, two; move to Las Vegas; or three; move to New Jersey. I know there are people who read this blog that have an opinion on this plan but again the main concern is with the children. Will it matter to them if they don't see me for two years because they live too far away; probably not; I will call and write. It may matter that they are surrounded by immediate family members and the only place for this is New Jersey.

Everyone knows how I feel about New Jersey but I lost my options 11 months ago and whatever makes sense for the family makes sense for me. I don't care where we live as long as we are all together. I love my family more than anything else in the world and yes, placing those wagers over the past 7 years distorted my thinking but I know I have all that I could have ever wanted in Monica, Lauren and Jonathan. Yes, it took a large wake-up call to realize this but at least I have realize this and life will continue to get better each and everyday.

Who Does Time?

The article in this week's issue of BusinessWeek Magazine read; "White-Collar Crime: Who Does Time?" It was an article in reference to the start of the two key figures in the Enron case; Jeffrey Skilling and Kenneth Lay. As an aside if anyone is interested in a very good movie about Enron; please rent the DVD; "Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room". It is a documentary about the rise and fall of Enron and I found it fascinating. It wasn't biased it reported the facts and the facts are extremely confusing because Enron (in my opinion) was a catastrophe of epic proportions and to pin the demise on any one person is just not possible. There were so many factors involved in the failure that I found it mind boggling.

Getting back to the article in BusinessWeek about white collar crime. The article was very brief and it outlined some very high profile white collar scandals and how much prison time was associated (if any) with these crimes. Going back to one of the first high profile corporate (white-collar) crimes in the late 1980's with Michael Milken the "junk bond king" who served a prison sentence of less than 2 years and walked away with $500 million in the bank. More recently Dennis Kozlowski the CEO of Tyco who received 8 to 25 (I am not sure how this works; does he get out in 8 years with good behavior and if he doesn't behave properly does he serve the full 25?) years for swindling the company out of nearly $600 million. Then there is Richard Scrushy the CEO from HealthSouth who was accused of a $1.4 billion accounting fraud and was found not guilty on all counts by a jury. Finally there was Bernard Ebbers the CEO and founder of WorldCom who was found guilty of the $11 billion accounting fraud and sentenced to 25 years in prison.

As you can see and as the article points out the results are all across the board and mostly arbitrary. I showed my wife the article and she asked what is the most important criteria in defending oneself against these allegations; is it the defense attorney, the prosecuting attorney, the judge, or the jury. I think it is a combination of all of these things because without a quality defense attorney the defendant will get buried; with a solid prosecutor the defendant can get buried; with a judge who is having a bad day the defendant can get buried and without a reasonable jury the defendant can get buried. It is not in my best interest to figure these things out because I will be go crazy.

I have accepted the fact of what I have done and will face the consequences associated. I know there is still a long way to go but at least I seem to be going in the right direction which is forward. The question was posed to me earlier today; "how do I feel now when I look back at what I have done?" I try NOT to look back but when pressed for an answer I feel stupid and I didn't realize how bad a compulsive gambling problem I had. I feel stupid because the things I have done no rational or sane person would have done and I feel stupid because I didn't get help earlier for my compulsive gambling problem. I cannot change any of these things and this is what I will have to live with the rest of my life.

What I do know is that I am doing the absolute best to get my life back in order. I am happy with myself today and I becoming the person I am destined to be. I will make myself proud and I will make my family proud because I am getting the help I so desperately needed all these years and it is not too late. Who knows what the courts will decide and whatever they do decide I will accept because I brought all of this on myself. It was my dysfunctional brain that caused this misery and it will be my functional brain that will turn this misery into a positive.

"Heart & Soul"

Tonight I had the pleasure of attending a birthday celebration for two of our most beloved members in the Gamblers Anonymous Program. Both of these special people were celebrating four years in recovery from their compulsive gambling addiction. Even though these two people couldn't be more different; one a man and one a woman; one black and one white; they share the same common problem; life for them became unmanageable because of their gambling problem. It doesn't matter whether they were a poker player, blackjack player, slot player, sports bettor or any other "game" of chance their lives were unmanageable because of their gambling problem.

Somehow through the grace of God and the fellowship of Gamblers Anonymous these two incredible people have abstained from gambling for the past four years and they are in a very special place of recovery. I attend three GA meetings a week and there are four meetings a week in our area. I have been attending these meetings for the past 11 months and there has only been ONE meeting where these one of these two members didn't attend because they both happened to be out of town that particular day. I have seen these two people so much in the past 11 months it is truly remarkable.

One would think that having four years of abstinence these people would stop attending meetings but it is quite the contrary. Because they have this time in and they UNDERSTAND the Program they attend as many meetings as possible. Which is why the Gamblers Anonymous Program works and the spirituality exudes from these two individuals. I know I am a better person because of both of these members and I am truly blessed by their presence.

Tonight's meeting was a "lovefest" we had 41 people attend the meeting which was an accomplishment in and of itself because the room can only hold 30 people. People came from great distances to celebrate this milestone and it is a true testament to the Program and also to both of these fantastic people. I am so grateful to have made the choice to enter the GA Program 11 months ago because my life has been touched by some remarkable people.

These two people are the heart and soul of our group and I would like to thank them for all they have done for me in my recovery. They have taught me that the Program works if you work it, life without gambling is a great life and there is a Power greater than me. This Power does work in mysterious ways and has given me the strength to endure anything in my life. My life is so much better today than it was 11 months ago and these two people have been instrumental in my ongoing recovery. I love you both!!!

Eleven Months

Time flies when you are in recovery. In some ways these past 11 months have felt like 111 years and in other ways they have felt like 11 seconds. What I do know is time ticks on no matter what I do so I better make this time count for something. Eleven months ago today I made my last wager; however; five days later I made the second (first being the decision to ask my wife to marry me) most important decision in my life which was to enter the Gamblers Anonymous Program. I am so very happy to have made this decision (as well as making the decision about my wife) because it has saved my life.

Today was a Gamblers Anonymous day; it started out just like the past Saturday mornings have in these last 11 months with my regular Gamblers Anonymous meeting. It as it always seems to be was a great meeting. After the meeting a fellow member and I drove down to a birthday celebration about 60 miles away. It was a very special birthday celebration because there were four birthdays; one year, three years, nine years and ten years. What made it extra special was these four people were all women.

When Gamblers Anonymous was founded in 1957 most if not all of the members were men. In fact men have been thought of as the one's to gamble through the years and some men (like myself) have gotten into trouble with their gambling. However; somewhere over the past almost 50 years women also started to gamble and some women got into trouble with gambling as well. The only place for most compulsive gamblers to find recovery has been Gamblers Anonymous and it is open to both men and women.

What I find fascinating is the Program was designed by men and not much has changed over these past fifty years but the Program works for both men and women. The Program wants to help ANYONE with the desire to stop gambling no matter their race, creed, color or sex. I found it amazing to go to a place where four women were celebrating some significant milestones in their recovery. The Program does work.

I was thinking as I sat through the wonderful birthday meeting with a great many attendees what separates the people in the Program who really work their recovery to those who seem to struggle by having numerous relapses. I know I can only speak for myself and I can only look at my gambling career. I tried to do stop gambling by myself but never really understood how bad my gambling problem was until my world came crashing down upon me. When my world came crashing down upon me I wanted to know how to get help so I wouldn't repeat my mistakes. What I found is the Gamblers Anonymous Program and I made a commitment to this program almost 11 months ago.

I think the word commitment is essential in my recovery and hopefully will be the key to my success. I am committed to arrest my gambling compulsion and the only effective way for me to do this is through the Gamblers Anonymous Program. I can say I am committed to stop gambling but without the GA Program it is an empty promise because I am only saying this to myself. However; if I get up in front of a bunch of strangers and honestly admit I have a gambling problem and my life has become unmanageable and ASK for help; my life will change and has changed. By the way these strangers have become my dear friends and they are all good people with the same illness (compulsive gamblers).

I am committed to the GA Program no matter what happens through the court system because it is my road to recovery and this road will be with a Divine purpose. Through this commitment will come and has come goodness. I have met people who I would have never met before and I am a better person because of this. I will continue to become a better person as long as I am committed because to me this is the key to my success in my recovery.

Today was an outstanding day which concluded with our dear friends coming over and spending the evening. We for some reason or another since our dear friends moved away from our neighborhood don't seem to spend that much time together but tonight was a very special night. It was a special night because these people are very special people. I thank God for blessing me with their friendship. There are so many good things in my life and I know no matter what happens in the coming weeks things will work out because they already have.

Compulsive Gambler Treatment

Today was a very good day and I am looking forward to a very full Gamblers Anonymous weekend. Tomorrow morning I will be attending the regular Saturday Morning meeting as well as attending a big GA birthday celebration in the afternoon. One of the members will be celebrating 10 years in the Program and this is quite an accomplishment. On Sunday we will be celebrating two four year birthdays and these two people are the "heart and soul" of our Program. I am so blessed to be surrounded by such magnificent people.

I wanted to post this story about Compulsive Gambler Treatment in Nevada. Nevada was the first state to legalize gambling; however; it wasn't until last year that the state legislature finally passed a bill to fund treatment for compulsive gambling. It has been a long time coming but as is the case with most things it is NEVER to late to right a wrong. Here is the full story;

Nevada and its gaming industry are making history again today.

The state's Advisory Committee on Problem Gambling meets in Las Vegas to hand out taxpayer dollars to fund treatment programs for the addicted.

This has never occurred in the 75 years that gambling has been legal in Nevada.

Backed by Gov. Kenny Guinn, several key lawmakers and a casino industry that began to develop a conscience, the 2005 Legislature created the nine-member committee and funded it with $2.4 million in slot machine taxes through June 2007.

But if we play our cards right, today's moment in history will be just the start of dealing with a problem that has been ignored for too long.

And if you don't think the state's involvement in gambling addiction is a welcome sight to health care and social service providers, consider the panel's daunting task today.

It has 13 applicants requesting nearly $3 million in funding, but only $1.5 million in grants to hand out.

"This illustrates that there's a tremendous need here, which we've been saying all along," says Dr. Robert Hunter, a clinical psychologist who runs the overcrowded Problem Gambling Center in Las Vegas.

Hunter has submitted five separate requests for money, including an application for $367,921 to start up a first-ever gambling addiction treatment center in Reno.

The Salvation Army is looking for $221,375 to launch a treatment center in Las Vegas, and UNLV's Center for Individual, Couple and Family Counseling wants to include problem gambling in its outpatient services with a request for $277,238.

"We've got a lot of strong applications," says Laura Hale, chief of the Grants Management Unit of the Nevada Health and Human Services Department. "These are people who have been doing this with limited funds in the past."

Hale's boss, Health and Human Services Director Mike Willden, is elated with the outpouring of interest for the money the state has to offer.

"This is great news that we have so much of a demand," he says.

But Willden also worries that those who don't get what they've requested today might, out of frustration, consider directing their efforts away from problem gambling in the future.

That would not be good -- which brings to mind the ace-in-the-hole in the law that created the advisory committee.

The problem gambling fund was set up to be a partnership between the public and private sectors.

The law allows Willden's agency to accept private donations from, you guessed it, the casino industry.

With the industry recording record profits again, it's going to have plenty of money to make up for those years of turning the other cheek to the very problem it created.

Plenty of eyes are watching big gaming now.

Just how it deals with its long-neglected responsibilities is how history will judge Nevada's success in treating the addicted.

Honest

This morning I was very fortunate to play golf with a friend of mine in the Program. I have met some exceptional people in this past year and I do consider myself blessed. My friend in the Program knows my situation and offered a round of golf and in a former life golf was something that I took for granted because I could play whenever I wanted and with whoever I wanted. This is certainly not the case any more and I am a better person for it.

As I got set to tee off on the first hole I started to reminisce a little about the time I shot my lowest score (83) and who I played with. I played with three other gentlemen and most likely will never speak with any of these three people again because of the things I have done. This is something I am coming to terms with because there are many other things that I may never get to do. However; I do know I am better person today than I was one year ago and for this I am very thankful.

I was on the fourth hole and my cell phone rang and it was another friend of mine whom I have recently met and they were inquiring to see how I was doing. They had just read the morning newspaper and my story was included. They wanted to know how I was dealing with everything. I told them I was doing very well because yesterday's court proceedings had gone the way my attorney had planned and there were no surprises. Had it gone a different way I am not so sure how I would be feeling but it didn't and I am one step closer to putting this chapter to rest. I was very honored to receive this phone call because I have met so many people who genuinely care and also I have some incredible people in my life who have stayed right by side through all of this. I am a very fortunate person.

As I spoke with my friend and assured them I was doing okay I did convey to them that it is highly likely I will be spending some time in prison. Obviously I don't want to spend any more time in prison but what I have done warrants punishment and the county I reside in firmly believes in punishing people to convey a strong message to others. I am also coming to terms with this; I will miss my family dearly and I know my wife who I have left a huge burden will come through this time very well. She is my rock and she is the one who got me through yesterday. I love this woman so very much. I don't know how I will ever make it up to her but I will continue to keep trying my best.

When I got home from playing golf I had seven messages some from family members and some from friends; all of them wanted to know how I was doing. I know what I have done is wrong and I will be made an example for others by the court but in the mean time I am trying to be an example to myself so I can continue on the road to recovery and live a purposeful life.

Today on the Oprah Winfrey show Oprah had James Frey the author of "A Million Little Pieces" or should I say "A Million Little Lies". Apparently Mr. Frey decided to come clean with Oprah about some outright lies in his non-fiction book. I have never seen Ms. Winfrey so angry because she stood up for Mr. Frey and his book and now he is admitting to embellishments and outright lies. I watched the show and I have to give James Frey credit for coming on the show because he could have continued to run and stick to his story. Instead he wanted to confront Oprah and her audience. At the beginning of the show Oprah was very angry and embarrassed and James Frey was waffling at certain questions. By the end of the show Oprah seemed to get over her anger and James Frey started to fess up to his mistakes.

The problem I had for so many years was lying. I would lie to myself, lie to my wife, lie to just about anyone so I could get my way. All of that lying came to end when I committed myself to the Gamblers Anonymous Program because Step One states; "we admitted we were powerless over gambling - that our lives had become unmanageable." The only way for me to do this was to be honest with myself and the tenants of the Program is to be honest, have an open mind and willing.

I know this honesty will set me free because I have been imprisoned by dishonesty and there is no other way for me. You may ask; "how does this relate to the Oprah Winfrey Show and James Frey?" Well, Mr. Frey may have been clean and sober for 13 years but he certainly wasn't working a Program (which he is not if you read the book) because he was not honest. Today may have been the first time for Mr. Frey to open up and be honest about himself and I pray to God he will be on the road to a real recovery.

I want to be honest with myself each and every day. As long as I am honest with myself I will be honest with others and I will continue on the proper road to recovery. This road has no end. It is the road of my life and success will be measured when I am long gone. However; I do know I am making major strides in this recovery and I look forward to each and every day.

Court Session

This morning I received the phone call from my attorney's office informing my wife and me to go down to the courthouse. The call came at 10:15 am and we got to the courthouse at 10:30 am. As we made our way into the courthouse I had noticed the television truck again but had already known that the local television station would be in the courtroom. I had read it on my case history yesterday and also my attorney's office had informed me as well. My wife was not too happy about the television crew (one camera man and one woman reporter) but I informed her all of this is out of my hands and we are dealing with the situation the best we can.

We entered the courtroom and saw the television camera which made a point to capture me as I was sitting down. The Deputy District Attorney and the Judge were already in the courtroom but my attorney was not. As we sat down I noticed there was another proceeding taking place and knew it was going to take some time. This other proceeding had witnesses and the Judge was deciding if there was enough information to hold this proceeding over for trial.

At about 11:00 am my attorney entered the courtroom and went over to speak with the Deputy District Attorney; they spoke for the next fifteen minutes and as the Judge wrapped up the previous case he called my attorney and the Deputy District Attorney into his chambers. We were told by the bailiff to vacate the courtroom because the session was in recess. I knew that the Judge has lunch from noon to one thirty so our chances of being heard before lunch looked bleak. I was correct because my attorney emerged from the Judge's chambers right before noon and told me we would be coming back after lunch. He also told me what was going on.

Yes, something was actually happening and my attorney did get the Judge to agree to what we were speaking about. This may seem cryptic and it is for a reason and the only thing I can say is my attorney got the Judge to agree to a term maximum before proceeding any further. This term maximum is exactly what my attorney was going for and I am very happy to know my maximum exposure. Also while they were in the Judge's chambers there were financial matters discussed and all I can say is I don't understand. I don't understand because my attorney presented some things 7 months ago and I guess because I came up with these proposals by myself the Assistant District Attorney is very leery and the Judge was still giving the ADA some latitude on this proposal.

However; the Judge did state some things in the courtroom which surprised me and looks to be leaning more and more to my proposal as opposed to the Assistant District Attorney's proposal. I am getting ahead of myself a bit. After lunch we went back to the courtroom and my case was the first one called. The Judge stated those things I had previously mentioned and I think my wife was more relieved than me. I guess I was expecting the worst but may have been hoping too much for the best. I did not get the best proposal from the Judge but I certainly did not get the worst. In fact I got exactly what my attorney and I had discussed which is a very good thing.

I have to go back next week to firm up some things and get the Judge's decision on a proposal and I will enter a final plea. I am entering a final plea because of what the Judge had to say today. After I enter this plea it looks like there will be a few more months where my attorney and I will have to get to the bottom of certain issues but once this is finalized I will have my sentencing hearing. This most likely will occur in April and then it will be over. When the Judge hands down the final sentence I will be relieved but up until that time I will keep reciting the serenity prayer; "God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I CANNOT change; COURAGE to change the things I can; and WISDOM to know the difference."

Night Before

Today was a great day; I was able to volunteer at my daughter's second grade class. Everything went well and my daughter (as was I) was extremely excited to have me in her class. This afternoon a dear friend from the Program allowed me to do some work and it felt good getting out. I do miss going to a regular job but I know as long as I continue to do the things that have been successful for these past 11 months everything will continue to work itself out no matter what happens in court.

This evening I attended my regular Tuesday Gamblers Anonymous meeting and although the meeting was a little different than most meetings I still left the meeting feeling better than when I went into the meeting. For me the Program works in all ways; like I said the meeting was a little different but I stayed after the meeting and spoke with my friends (yes, they are my friends and these friends are genuine) discussing the meeting and other topics. This little 20 minute discussion meant so much to me because I have met some of the most fascinating and dear people. These are all good people with a bad problem but the good thing is these people (like myself) are doing something about their problem. I am so thankful to have all of these people in my life and I thank God for allowing me to experience this.

Tomorrow I go back to court and unlike so many of the previous times where nothing happened; tomorrow something SHOULD happen. I say should because there is still a whole host of other factors that may prevent something from happening but I am at a period where the reality of at all will hit. I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared because I am scared. I do know I am doing all the right things and have taken responsibility for my actions. Most importantly in doing these right things I have gotten help and will continue to get help (as long as I am legally allowed) with my compulsive gambling problem.

I do know that my future is in the hands of other people and there are some people that want to send a message about my behavior. I cannot begrudge them for this because for some it is their job and for others it is a message they feel they have to convey. These are their opinions and are certainly entitled to them. I can only present the facts and whatever decision the Judge makes will be the correct decision and I will have to live with it.

Also; I do know the local media will be back in the courtroom again recording the hearing. I guess they think this is news worthy and again I cannot control any of this. The only thing I can control is myself and through God, my family and the Gamblers Anonymous Program I am learning more and more each and every day. For this I am extremely grateful to be afforded the opportunity to get help and get better. I would be remiss if I didn't thank all of those who have stood by me and who have offered their support through prayer. Thank you all so very much without all of this support I would be a lost soul but now my soul has been found.

Step One

Today was a very interesting day because I finally met with my attorney and discussed the Probation Officer's report as to my pre-sentencing fate. My attorney seemed to be as confused as I was so I didn't feel so bad but by the same token I didn't feel so good. There needs to be further clarification and I believe my attorney will get this from the Judge. The Judge is the person who matters the most in my case and he only knows me by my file number. At some point he will get to know me as a person and I can only pray he is a reasonable person.

I know this is out of my hands and I have accepted that the decision on my future rests with someone else. This does not mean I will stop trying; I will continue doing the things that have been successful for me in the past 11 months and at least I know I have done my best. My best is all that I can ask for because so many years passed by without me trying my best and now I fully understand what doing my best really means.

My wife and I sat with the attorney for more than hour and I know he will do his best. I do have confidence in my attorney because he has been successful for many other clients. I know what I have done is bad and I will suffer the consequences but I have learned something very valuable and that is I am not a bad person and I have so much more to offer in this life. There are so many positive influences surrounding me and I am so thankful for each and everyone. I will get through this as I continue getting through this I get better and better each and every day.

Step One in the Gamblers Anonymous Recovery Program is as follows; We admitted we were powerless over gambling - that our lives had become unmanageable. This is the only step of the twelve steps of recovery that can be done once all the other steps must be part of my daily life and performed over and over again. This step is the key to my recovery; by being able to admit (honestly) that I am powerless over gambling and not look back with regret or doubt I can continue on the road to recovery.

I am powerless over gambling because when I gamble my life becomes unmanageable. I don't know right from wrong; up from down and I forget about all other things. My sole focus is on placing that next wager. I don't have to live this way anymore because I have admitted I am powerless to gambling. Some people think this means that you are giving up and they would be correct but not in the way they perceive giving up but in the way of giving up to get back. You see compulsive gambling is an illness which cannot be cured it can only be arrested and for someone like myself who has been afflicted with this illness all of my adult life; I cannot arrest this illness by myself and I need help. The only way for me to get help with this illness is to stop fighting it and give up the power of the illusion that I can gamble like "normal" people.

It is an illusion because my mind plays tricks with me when it comes to gambling. It told me when I was 18 years old and got into trouble the first time; don't worry you will get out of it and you will learn your lesson. My mind tricked me because yes, I got away with it but I didn't learn my lesson which was I cannot gamble like "normal" people because I am not "normal" when it comes to gambling. Normal to me is excessive to just about anyone else. This excessiveness led to my demise because my mind denied my problem for so very long.

I am not denying anything any more. I have a gambling problem and I need help. I don't want to "control" my gambling I want to eliminate my gambling. The only way for me to eliminate my gambling is through the Gamblers Anonymous Program. The Gamblers Anonymous Program has taught me there is a great life that can be achieved without gambling and I am applying those steps in all of my daily affairs.

Step One is the most critical step on the road to recovery because without admitting I have a problem with gambling and without being honest, open-minded and willing I would be doomed to repeat the problems of my past. No matter how bad it seems now it can always get worse and this worse would be loneliness and despair. I am so happy to report I am not lonely and there is no despair. There is a great deal of hope and goodness in each day of my life. This life is wonderful because I have discovered the important things and those important things do NOT include gambling.

Twenty Questions

At tonight's Gamblers Anonymous there was a new member and with every new member who enters Gamblers Anonymous they are asked the twenty questions. These twenty questions determine if the person is in the right place. Each question is answered with only a yes or no there is no explanation needed. As we were asking the new member the twenty questions I always try to answer these questions as if I am hearing them for the first time.

Tonight I made a revelation and I am finally 20 for 20; meaning I answered yes to ALL twenty questions. This was not the case at my first meeting; I believe I answered 16 yes and 4 no. Part of recovery is growth and honesty and each day there is more and more growth and honesty comes with this growth. I wanted to share these 20 questions and an explanation to each question as to why I answered yes. Here are the 20 questions;

1. Did you ever lose time from work or school due to gambling?----Yes, not in the physical sense but definitely in the mental sense. Each morning from 8:30 am to 9:00 am I would check the days lines and think about who my selections would be for the day. At 3:00 pm to 3:30 pm I would place my wagers; from 5:30 pm to 6:00 pm I would check the scores. Each one of these took me away from what I was supposed to do and yes, I lost time from work due to gambling.

2. Has gambling ever made your home life unhappy?----Yes, because of my gambling my home life was unhappy when I was 18, 28 and 39 years of age. Also; the obvious; my current situation which was caused by my gambling has led to some very unhappy times. Thank God those days are over because I have stopped gambling and my home life has become very happy.

3. Did gambling affect your reputation?----Yes, it has given me a horrible reputation as a liar and a thief. but I am slowly gaining this reputation back day by day.

4. Have you ever felt remorse after gambling?----Yes, I once lost $39,000 in an hour and half playing blackjack on-line; I couldn't sleep for a week but I still didn't stop. It is a horrible feeling and one I don't have to experience ever again.

5. Did you ever gamble to get money with which to pay debts or otherwise solve financial difficulties?----Yes, all the time for the past 7 years.

6. Did gambling cause a decrease in your ambition or efficiency?----Yes, when I first answered this almost 11 months ago I said; no but when I look back (honestly) all I cared about was placing my bets for the day. My ambition became my gambling and my efficiency went all to hell.

7. After losing did you feel you must return as soon as possible and win back your losses?----Yes, also when I first answered this I answered no but looking back (honestly) I had to return time and time again to fuel the addiction and get that money back. Please keep in mind it wasn't about the money it was about the need to place a wager and money only functioned as a facilitator.

8. After a win did you have a strong urge to return and win more?----Yes, this was another no when I first entered the Program but that urge to return was strong no matter whether I won or lost and maybe it was stronger when I won so I could continue to play that much longer.

9. Did you often gamble until your last dollar was gone?----Yes, and then some.

10. Did you ever borrow to finance your gambling?----Yes, let me count the ways; refinance the house, credit card, signature loan, home equity line, from work, borrow from kid's college fund; personal loan, bank loan; lone shark loan; I must be leaving something out.

11. Have you ever sold anything to finance gambling?----Yes, gold necklace, bonds, stocks, house and I am sure there are more.

12. Were you reluctant to use "gambling money" for normal expenditures?----Yes, all the time; I couldn't buy anything with my gambling money because it was my gambling money and this means it was my ammunition to play for as long as possible.

13. Did gambling make you careless of the welfare of yourself or your family?---- Yes, if it didn't I wouldn't have done the things that I have done. When the urge you have to do something overwhelms all the intellect you have in your brain then you have a problem and I have a problem.

14. Did you ever gamble longer than you had planned?----Yes, about 22 years!!!! I have not heard one person in Gamblers Anonymous answer no to this question and I would guess that over 50% of the "normal" people who gamble would answer yes to this question as well.

15. Have you ever gambled to escape worry or trouble?----Yes, this is a very interesting question because for me it was as if I was 16 years old again and didn't seem to have a care in the world. All I cared about was who covered the spread. When I look back to when I started to gamble when I was 16 years old I think I started to gamble to escape my parents divorce and all I had to care about was who covered the spread. This manifested itself into a lifetime addiction.

16. Have you ever committed, or considered committing, an illegal act to finance gambling?----Yes, I think I have said enough about this question over the past 11 months.

17. Did gambling cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?----Yes, see the answer to number 4 and also I couldn't sleep at all in the last six months of my gambling career.

18. Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create within you an urge to gamble?---Yes, but it wasn't limited to arguments, disappointments or frustrations it was just about everything; the time of day; whether the sun came up; who was playing; I gambled no matter what.

19. Did you ever have an urge to celebrate any good fortune by a few hours of gambling?----Yes, I answered this one no up until tonight. I had a fellow member "burst my bubble" because he had a different interpretation on this question; his good fortune was a credit card advance in the mail or an unexpected check which he looked as good fortune. Based on this definition I definitely gambled because my good fortune was my horrible decision and I will leave it at that. I will answer this one in more detail as the years pass.

20. Have you ever considered self destruction or suicide as a result of your gambling?----Yes, I had the embankment picked out on the freeway but thank God I found the Gamblers Anonymous Program because it has saved my life.

Most compulsive gamblers will answer yes to at least seven of these questions.

As you can see I am a compulsive gambler through and through. This does not excuse what I have done nor does it give me a free pass. There are reasons for everything and now that I am fully aware of the fact that I am and will always be a compulsive gambler and have found help through the Gamblers Anonymous Program life has gotten better. It has been 10 month and 24 days since my last wager and life is worth living because I am becoming the person God intended me to be.

Brain of a Compulsive Gambler

I ran across this article from the BBC News website in the United Kingdom. Apparently there has been a study done on the brains of compulsive gamblers and it resembles a similar pattern to people addicted to drugs; here is the article in its entirety;

Gamblers' Brains Addiction Clue

Serious gamblers demonstrate a similar pattern of brain activity to people who are addicted to drugs, a new study has suggested.

The researchers from Hamburg, Germany, said this showed gambling was also a form of addiction.

They said the parts of the brain which are active when people feel rewarded, curbing activity, are less so in those who take drugs or gamble to excess.

The research is published in the journal Nature Neuroscience.

In the study, the brains of 12 compulsive gamblers and 12 non-gamblers were monitored using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) while they played a simple card guessing game.

Players had to choose one of two face-down cards. If the card came up red, they won one euro.

It was found that the ventral striatum, a part of the brain that signals reward, was less active in the pathological gamblers even though both groups won and lost the same amount of money.

Reduced activity in the area is recognised as a hallmark of drug addiction.

The researchers suggest the explanation could be that people with such addictions cannot maintain the amount of the brain chemical dopamine - which produces feelings of satisfaction and pleasure - which they need in the ventral striatum, through everyday life.

Instead, they need stronger triggers - such as drugs or excessive gambling - to compensate.

Other Factors

Writing in Nature Neuroscience, the researchers from the Universitaets-Krankenhaus Eppendorf, led by Dr Christian Buchel, said their findings "favour the view that pathological gambling is a non-substance related addiction".

But Mark Griffiths, professor of gambling studies at the International Gaming Research Unit at Nottingham Trent University, said differences in brain activity were too simplistic an explanation for why some people gambled and others did not.

"The explanation for why people gamble is more holistic than that. It's not just about the gambler, it's about other factors such as their social environment."

He added that the design of gambling activities was also a factor in prompting people to become addicted.

"There are differences. For example, a slot machine is more problematic than buying a weekly lottery ticket.

"This study is one more piece of the jigsaw that helps give gambling legitimacy as a bona-fide addiction."

Father & Son Evening

This evening my wife and daughter attended the annual Brownie "cookie rally". This is where my daughter's Brownie (little Girl Scouts) troop gathers together to get their Girl Scout Cookie information. I won't go into the Girl Scout Cookie saga of last year; if anyone is interested please see the archives regarding "Girl Scout Cookie Episode". Yes, one year has just about passed by and here we are again selling the Girl Scout Cookies. In some ways this past year seems like 100 years and in some ways it seems like 10 minutes. No matter how fast or how slow the year has gone by the key for me life is getting better and there is no stopping or turning back time. Each day is better than the last and I am finally being the person I am capable of being.

With my daughter and wife attending the "Girl Scout Cookie Rally" it was time for a father & son evening. My friend had called earlier and he was taking care of his son while his wife and daughter were also attending the "cookie rally" and had asked me if we were interested in going to the movies. Unfortunately the movie they were seeing we had already seen because when we get together it seems all parties (fathers and sons) have a good time. So it was just my son and I for the evening. I decided to take him to a different movie (Cheaper by the Dozen 2) because he had wanted to see this movie ever since it came out last month and really enjoyed the first movie (Cheaper by the Dozen). I know funds are tight but I have to enjoy each and every day with my family so I decided to splurge for the movie.

As far as movies go Cheaper by the Dozen 2 was okay; however; it did hold my four year old's interest which is extremely important. There were two critical points of the movie; the first was when the movie started and my son nudged me and asked if he could sit on my lap. Of course I couldn't I say no to my sweet little boy and hopped up onto my lap for the entire movie. The second critical point was the end of the movie and I won't give away the ending but I will say the theme of the movie is family and parenting. One line by one of the children in the movie brought tears to my eyes; "as far as being a parent we know you are not 100% right all the time but we do know that you love us dearly". It may not sound like much in print and I am sure most people who have viewed this movie didn't have the same reaction I did but my eyes welled up with tears. I try my best with my children and despite all the horrendous things I have done to other people I love my children dearly and do try my best.

My best was tainted for the past several years but now my best is clearly my best. There are no distractions (meaning NO gambling) to get in the way and I do savor every minute with them. The simplest pleasures bring me the most joy; I watched a movie with my son sitting on my lap and it was just he and I; life truly does not need to get any better than that. Life moves rather rapidly and I know I will miss a few years with my children but no matter what happens I will always love them and do my best.

I came across two websites that I found fascinating and wanted to share them; the first one is title Gambling Addiction Crime Against Business. It outlines cases in which crimes have been committed by compulsive gamblers to feed their habit. It is a very extensive list and there are many horrible cases like a 66 year old grandmother who stole $4.9 million from her employer to feed her gambling habit; she was sentenced to 31 months in federal prison and was ordered to pay back full restitution. It doesn't matter how old, young, intelligent, affluent, down trodden or any other category the compulsive gambling illness does not discriminate and it literally can strike anyone.

The second website is a more up to date collection on stories regarding gambling crime and corruption. One of the more fascinating stories states; "Research suggests that on a national basis casino gambling generates externally costs in the range of $40 billion annually, and crime is one of the biggest components of these social costs." That is staggering and if the number is correct it would be a wash as to the amount of money casinos generate to the amount of money casinos cost. Is it really a zero sum game? I highly suggest reviewing these two sites and the second site is more comprehensive because you can research the articles in their entirety.

Searches

I am able to track how many people view this blog daily and lately it has been averaging around 25 hits per day. Also; I am able to track what search engine such as Google, Yahoo, MSN, etc. people used to get to the blog and what their search criteria was. Tonight there was a very interesting search criteria; "How do you stop a compulsive gambler from gambling?" This is a very interesting question and being a compulsive gambler I can only answer this question from my perspective. The simple answer; only one person can stop a compulsive gambler from gambling and that is the compulsive gambler. My parents tried when I was 18 years old, my wife tried when I was 28 years old and finally when the roof caved in 10 and half months ago I finally admitted I need help with my problem.

As I have touched in the last few days; it really doesn't have to be this way for anyone who is willing to get help with their gambling problem because help is available. This help comes in the form of Gamblers Anonymous. Many people with gambling problems start the Gamblers Anonymous Program only to fall out of the Program after a few months. I read a statistic that stated only 6% of compulsive gamblers who start Gamblers Anonymous are still regularly attending meetings one year after their first meeting. This may sound like the Program doesn't work but on the contrary it works perfectly for those 6% because they are not gambling and getting their lives back together. It is hard to say what happens to the other 94% because no one knows if they continue to abstain from gambling without the Program or do go back to gambling. No one will ever know what happens to these people because it is an anonymous program and no studies will ever be conducted.

I do know for myself if I were ever to stop attending meetings and stop the Program it would be detrimental to my recovery. See I tried the willpower approach; it didn't work. I tried the ignore I have a problem approach; it didn't work. I tried the theory of me being smarter than the "average" gambler approach; it didn't work. I have been regularly attending Gamblers Anonymous meetings for the past 10 months and 21 days and it has worked. I am not going to mess with something that appears to be 100% effective if I follow the RULES of the Program. Number one rule; abstain from any gambling; rule number two; attend as many meetings as possible; and rule number three; follow the Steps of Recovery. As long as I follow each of these rules and apply them to my every day life; things will get better and have already gotten better.

Getting back to the original question; "How do you stop a compulsive gambler from gambling?" Unfortunately, you do not; the gambler has to make this decision. There have been too many horror stories about compulsive gamblers and their need to make that wager to recount. I know for myself it has been a ridiculous journey into the world of denial. I denied I was a compulsive gambler and this denial led me to some horrible places. Until a compulsive gambler is honest, open-minded and willing they like myself will continue to gamble until everything is gone. Some people again like myself learn the hard way and some people never learn because they cannot be honest, open-minded or willing to admit their problem.

The brain is a strange instrument and can talk you into doing so many things and if this brain believes the answer to all your prayers is the next big win you will doing anything. However; the brain does not define the next big win because no matter how big the win for the compulsive gambler it is NEVER enough and won't stop until everything is all gone. The chase is endless but if you are honest, open-minded and willing this chase will finally end and life will begin again. However; until such time the compulsive gambler will continue to gamble no matter what anyone around them says or does. This doesn't mean you should not try to help the compulsive gambler it only means the compulsive gambler hears what they want to hear and disregards all the rest.

The only advice I can give to a loved one of a compulsive gambler is to PROTECT yourself. Make sure the compulsive gambler does not have access to your checking account, savings account, 401K, stock market account, home equity line, I think you get my meaning. Protect yourself because the compulsive gambler cannot think of anyone but themselves when they are in the midst of their gambling and I say this with experience.

The illness of compulsive gambling takes precedence over everything in their lives. Yes, we are very sick people and need help. With this help we can live normal productive lives but cannot gamble again because only bad things will happen. There maybe some people who can "control" their gambling but they are not compulsive gamblers, I know I can never "control" my gambling which is why I choose to NOT gamble today.

What is Compulsive Gambling?

I have been in the Gamblers Anonymous Program for 324 days and have attended many meetings. I am by no means an expert on compulsive gambling nor do I pretend to have depth of knowledge on this subject. What I can say without certainty is I am and will always be a compulsive gambler. Also, in the many meetings I have attended and the many people I have spoken to; there really is a misunderstanding or a basic unawareness of this problem that is caused by gambling excessively. Someone at last night's meeting was saying to me that their spouse is having a very hard time understanding this problem. On one of the internet's message boards was a message posted from a daughter regarding their mother's compulsive gambling behavior and how she was mad at her mother for this behavior.

I would like to take the time and try to explain what exactly compulsive gambling is and hopefully convey to those "normal" people who say "why can't you just stop?" we compulsive gamblers are unable to stop because we have an illness which can never be cured but can be arrested, don't hate the person hate the illness and please try to get the compulsive gambler help. However; if the compulsive gambler is unwilling to get help there is nothing anyone can do. The compulsive gambler has to be admit to the themselves that they are powerless over gambling and their lives have become unmanageable. Until the compulsive gambler admits this there is no help that will work and there are some dire consequences; prison, insanity or death.

The American Psychiatric Association Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (312.31) defines pathological gambling as;

A. Persistent and recurrent maladaptive gambling behavior as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

(1) is preoccupied with gambling (e.g., preoccupied with reliving past gambling experiences, handicapping or planning the next venture, or thinking of ways to get money with which to gamble)
(2) needs to gamble with increasing amounts of money in order to achieve the desired excitement
(3) has repeated unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop gambling
(4) is restless or irritable when attempting to cut down or stop gambling
(5) gambles as a way of escaping from problems or of relieving a dysphoric mood (e.g., feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety, depression)
(6) after losing money gambling, often returns another day to get even ("chasing" one's losses)
(7) lies to family members, therapist, or others to conceal the extent of involvement with gambling
(8) has committed illegal acts such as forgery, fraud, theft, or embezzlement to finance gambling
(9) has jeopardized or lost a significant relationship, job, or educational or career opportunity because of gambling
(10) relies on others to provide money to relieve a desperate financial situation caused by gambling

B. The gambling behavior is not better accounted for by a Manic Episode.

This definition was developed in 1994 and as gambling venues have EXPLODED over the past 12 years I would venture to guess the American Psychiatry Association may want to re-look at this definition for an updated view. It seems to me that more and more people become addicted to gambling at a much faster rate than ever before. My own experience developed over the past twenty plus years even though I was given two warning signs over that period of time which I ignored. Getting back to more and more people becoming addicted faster and faster tells me there is something in the brain chemistry of us compulsive gamblers and there have been a few studies which point this out. In fact the new criteria for the American Psychiatry Associate DSM-V is looking into genetic factors and brain imaging.

I know for myself there is a feeling I get when I gamble that is unlike any other and I am so happy that I don't have to experience this feeling again. It is hard for a "normal" person to understand but we compulsive gamblers have an illness when it comes to gambling and no matter how much we win or lose it is NEVER enough. I know for myself it was never about winning but staying in action and I did a lot of bad things to stay in action. I will suffer some dire consequences for those bad things but today is so much better than it was one year ago because I am living honestly and openly for the first time in a very long time.

Wrapping things up for those of you who just don't understand let me put it to you this way; have you ever had the need to do something, anything and you wouldn't stop until you did that something? This is how we compulsive gamblers feel about gambling each time we gamble because we will do anything and everything to make that next bet and won't stop no matter the consequences.

I am not sure if this sheds any light for those of you who don't understand the hold gambling has on some people but please keep in mind it is an illness like an alcoholic or drug addict and we gamblers need help to arrest this illness. I thank God each and every day I found the help to arrest my illness because life has a new purpose and this purpose will be lived one day at a time.