Step One

Today was a very interesting day because I finally met with my attorney and discussed the Probation Officer's report as to my pre-sentencing fate. My attorney seemed to be as confused as I was so I didn't feel so bad but by the same token I didn't feel so good. There needs to be further clarification and I believe my attorney will get this from the Judge. The Judge is the person who matters the most in my case and he only knows me by my file number. At some point he will get to know me as a person and I can only pray he is a reasonable person.

I know this is out of my hands and I have accepted that the decision on my future rests with someone else. This does not mean I will stop trying; I will continue doing the things that have been successful for me in the past 11 months and at least I know I have done my best. My best is all that I can ask for because so many years passed by without me trying my best and now I fully understand what doing my best really means.

My wife and I sat with the attorney for more than hour and I know he will do his best. I do have confidence in my attorney because he has been successful for many other clients. I know what I have done is bad and I will suffer the consequences but I have learned something very valuable and that is I am not a bad person and I have so much more to offer in this life. There are so many positive influences surrounding me and I am so thankful for each and everyone. I will get through this as I continue getting through this I get better and better each and every day.

Step One in the Gamblers Anonymous Recovery Program is as follows; We admitted we were powerless over gambling - that our lives had become unmanageable. This is the only step of the twelve steps of recovery that can be done once all the other steps must be part of my daily life and performed over and over again. This step is the key to my recovery; by being able to admit (honestly) that I am powerless over gambling and not look back with regret or doubt I can continue on the road to recovery.

I am powerless over gambling because when I gamble my life becomes unmanageable. I don't know right from wrong; up from down and I forget about all other things. My sole focus is on placing that next wager. I don't have to live this way anymore because I have admitted I am powerless to gambling. Some people think this means that you are giving up and they would be correct but not in the way they perceive giving up but in the way of giving up to get back. You see compulsive gambling is an illness which cannot be cured it can only be arrested and for someone like myself who has been afflicted with this illness all of my adult life; I cannot arrest this illness by myself and I need help. The only way for me to get help with this illness is to stop fighting it and give up the power of the illusion that I can gamble like "normal" people.

It is an illusion because my mind plays tricks with me when it comes to gambling. It told me when I was 18 years old and got into trouble the first time; don't worry you will get out of it and you will learn your lesson. My mind tricked me because yes, I got away with it but I didn't learn my lesson which was I cannot gamble like "normal" people because I am not "normal" when it comes to gambling. Normal to me is excessive to just about anyone else. This excessiveness led to my demise because my mind denied my problem for so very long.

I am not denying anything any more. I have a gambling problem and I need help. I don't want to "control" my gambling I want to eliminate my gambling. The only way for me to eliminate my gambling is through the Gamblers Anonymous Program. The Gamblers Anonymous Program has taught me there is a great life that can be achieved without gambling and I am applying those steps in all of my daily affairs.

Step One is the most critical step on the road to recovery because without admitting I have a problem with gambling and without being honest, open-minded and willing I would be doomed to repeat the problems of my past. No matter how bad it seems now it can always get worse and this worse would be loneliness and despair. I am so happy to report I am not lonely and there is no despair. There is a great deal of hope and goodness in each day of my life. This life is wonderful because I have discovered the important things and those important things do NOT include gambling.