Honest

This morning I was very fortunate to play golf with a friend of mine in the Program. I have met some exceptional people in this past year and I do consider myself blessed. My friend in the Program knows my situation and offered a round of golf and in a former life golf was something that I took for granted because I could play whenever I wanted and with whoever I wanted. This is certainly not the case any more and I am a better person for it.

As I got set to tee off on the first hole I started to reminisce a little about the time I shot my lowest score (83) and who I played with. I played with three other gentlemen and most likely will never speak with any of these three people again because of the things I have done. This is something I am coming to terms with because there are many other things that I may never get to do. However; I do know I am better person today than I was one year ago and for this I am very thankful.

I was on the fourth hole and my cell phone rang and it was another friend of mine whom I have recently met and they were inquiring to see how I was doing. They had just read the morning newspaper and my story was included. They wanted to know how I was dealing with everything. I told them I was doing very well because yesterday's court proceedings had gone the way my attorney had planned and there were no surprises. Had it gone a different way I am not so sure how I would be feeling but it didn't and I am one step closer to putting this chapter to rest. I was very honored to receive this phone call because I have met so many people who genuinely care and also I have some incredible people in my life who have stayed right by side through all of this. I am a very fortunate person.

As I spoke with my friend and assured them I was doing okay I did convey to them that it is highly likely I will be spending some time in prison. Obviously I don't want to spend any more time in prison but what I have done warrants punishment and the county I reside in firmly believes in punishing people to convey a strong message to others. I am also coming to terms with this; I will miss my family dearly and I know my wife who I have left a huge burden will come through this time very well. She is my rock and she is the one who got me through yesterday. I love this woman so very much. I don't know how I will ever make it up to her but I will continue to keep trying my best.

When I got home from playing golf I had seven messages some from family members and some from friends; all of them wanted to know how I was doing. I know what I have done is wrong and I will be made an example for others by the court but in the mean time I am trying to be an example to myself so I can continue on the road to recovery and live a purposeful life.

Today on the Oprah Winfrey show Oprah had James Frey the author of "A Million Little Pieces" or should I say "A Million Little Lies". Apparently Mr. Frey decided to come clean with Oprah about some outright lies in his non-fiction book. I have never seen Ms. Winfrey so angry because she stood up for Mr. Frey and his book and now he is admitting to embellishments and outright lies. I watched the show and I have to give James Frey credit for coming on the show because he could have continued to run and stick to his story. Instead he wanted to confront Oprah and her audience. At the beginning of the show Oprah was very angry and embarrassed and James Frey was waffling at certain questions. By the end of the show Oprah seemed to get over her anger and James Frey started to fess up to his mistakes.

The problem I had for so many years was lying. I would lie to myself, lie to my wife, lie to just about anyone so I could get my way. All of that lying came to end when I committed myself to the Gamblers Anonymous Program because Step One states; "we admitted we were powerless over gambling - that our lives had become unmanageable." The only way for me to do this was to be honest with myself and the tenants of the Program is to be honest, have an open mind and willing.

I know this honesty will set me free because I have been imprisoned by dishonesty and there is no other way for me. You may ask; "how does this relate to the Oprah Winfrey Show and James Frey?" Well, Mr. Frey may have been clean and sober for 13 years but he certainly wasn't working a Program (which he is not if you read the book) because he was not honest. Today may have been the first time for Mr. Frey to open up and be honest about himself and I pray to God he will be on the road to a real recovery.

I want to be honest with myself each and every day. As long as I am honest with myself I will be honest with others and I will continue on the proper road to recovery. This road has no end. It is the road of my life and success will be measured when I am long gone. However; I do know I am making major strides in this recovery and I look forward to each and every day.