Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Pig Part II and Greed

All is good with the world according to my seven year old daughter. Yesterday I wrote about her "mechanical pig" and how it broke. Well today she got up enough courage and told her teacher about the pig breaking its leg and wouldn't you know there were replacement pigs!! Her teacher didn't give her any grief because my daughter put enough grief on herself and her teacher gave her a new mechanical pig.

I picked up my daughter from school and the first thing she said to me was; "guess what, I got another pig," with here eyes so very wide and a smile from ear to ear. She went on to say, "I promised MYSELF I wouldn't throw the pig up in the air again". I guess we made a point with her yesterday because she didn't say I promise mom or dad she said I promised MYSELF. I think this is wonderful and the pig has all its legs in tact as of this evening. Now if she could keep her little brother away from the pig the pig will be guaranteed a long and healthy life but with him around we shall see!!

Little things in life do go a long way and I am so happy to finally witness these little things and genuinely enjoy each and every moment. My daughter made a huge break through (in my opinion) from yesterday to today and I am so very proud of her.

Gordon Gecko from the film Wall Street made the famous or rather infamous speech about greed and I think most of us remember the speech but I will recount the first few words; "Greed for lack of a better word is good....." I always thought this was a great thing and I loved that scene from the movie but nine months ago this greed for money went by the wayside. Greed for life, for people, for charity, for my family, for my friends is good but greed for money is a very bad thing as witnessed by a former member of Congress.

There is a congressman from San Diego who resigned yesterday because he was taking bribes and I had a long discussion with a few other Gamblers Anonymous members about this particular member of Congress. This member of Congress had it all; a decorated Vietnam veteran and a highly respected long time member of Congress but he got caught up in greed. No, he didn't have a gambling problem rather it appears he was addicted to money and material items. He resigned in a very tearful speech and he is in his 60's. He is facing 10 years in a Federal Prison and has lost all of his worldly possessions according to his speech and the indictment. I don't know about his family situation because to me this is what matters most. I can lose my house, my money and my personal effects but if I were to lose my wife and children I don't know what I would do.

Another few years doing what I was doing and not getting help with my compulsive gambling I would have lost my wife and children because there would have been so much damage done. I am so very happy I have stopped gambling and sought help for my problem. I can only imagine what is going on in this former member of Congress' mind and I would imagine it not to be so good. Would it have been better if he were addicted to gambling; I don't know because unfortunately an addiction is an addiction. Whether it is alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, shopping, money, etc,. it is still an addiction which is caused by the individual's brain. I don't know if the brains are hardwired differently for people with addictions but it really is a sad thing to see respected people fall from grace.

Humans are a fallible species and we all have our faults God knows I have many but my heart goes out to anyone with an addiction because I know first hand what damage an addiction can do if left unchecked.

Life to me is about relationships and I know I screwed up a great many of my relationships do to my inability to recognize my gambling addiction. However; after nine months of NOT gambling and living honestly I have new relationships and these are real relationships with real people who understand what addictions can do. I still have some very good relationships from real people who seemed to understand me better than I understood myself when I was gambling. I thank God for all of these wonderful people and my extraordinary family because without them I would be truly lost.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

My Daughter

I went into my daughter's room this morning to see if she was getting ready for school. As I walked into the room I noticed my daughter was still in bed and she asked me if she had Brownies (Little Girl Scouts) today? I thought she didn't but I doubled checked with my wife and my wife said no, she didn't have Brownies today but next Tuesday. I relayed this information to my seven year old daughter who didn't believe her mother and proceeded to explain to me that she didn't have Brownies last week because there was no school and she SHOULD have Brownies today.

She wanted further verification and I asked her if she wanted me to telephone the Brownie troop leader and she said yes. I dialed the telephone and told the troop leader (who incidentally is a very dear friend of my wife and me) that my daughter needed to ask her something. My daughter got on the telephone and asked the troop leader if she had Brownies today and troop leader replied no they didn't have a meeting today but they will have one next Tuesday. My daughter thanked the leader and she handed the telephone back to me. I briefly spoke with our friend and she didn't mind receiving the telephone call so early in the morning and then I hung up.

After I hung up the telephone my daughter still couldn't understand why she didn't have a Brownie meeting today because she was so insistent that the meetings are every two weeks and they should have had one today. I told her sometimes the schedule is a little different than every two weeks and it is fine that the meeting is next Tuesday.

I really think my daughter hated the fact that she was wrong because she was so persistent on the schedule of every two weeks on a Tuesday. I wonder where she gets this persistentcy from and the inability to admit she was wrong??? It really is amazing to watch how her brain operates because it is fascinating how she processes everything. I remember as a little kid probably somewhere around my daughter's age always internalizing things. I can see this in my daughter; she takes being wrong very personally like I did for a number of years. I don't know when but it was before my "episode" that I realized life is not about being right and wrong and when I am wrong I do promptly admit it. I know she will learn because she is a great child and will be a great person and I do enjoy watching these little moments.

My daughter came home from school with two surprises. The first surprise was an eleven and one board game that she won from her fundraiser. The second surprise was a yellow mechanical pig that every student received because today was "Pig Race Day" at her school. I don't know if this is a traditional or a one shot deal but every student received a mechanical pig after racing the pigs in the student assembly. It was a thank you from the administrators for having such a great fundraiser.

My daughter ran up to see me and show me her surprises; she was so happy and proud to show me these gifts. Her eyes were beaming as she was recounted the pig race story and how she received the game and the mechanical pig. She wanted so much to show the pig to her grandmother who is affectionately known as "Grandma Piggy" and as she was telling me the story she was throwing the pig up in the air as she tends to do with everything even though Mom and Dad constantly tell her NOT to throw things in the air. As she threw the pig in the air she failed to catch it and it fell to the floor and one of its mechanical legs broke. The mechanical pig is supposed to walk across the floor; however; now my daughter's pig has a broken leg and doesn't walk across the floor anymore. She went from exceedingly happy to devastation in a matter of seconds. It was as if the world had come to an end because she had broken her pig.

She cried uncontrollably for a long time. I did my best to comfort her but there was a lesson to be learned and that lesson was to take care of her things or they break. She hated herself which is not a good thing for a parent to hear but I wanted her to remember this episode as to not repeat it again. After about an hour of uncontrollable sobbing she finally stopped when my wife and I spoke with her and we did mention that we would bring the pig back to school tomorrow to see if there was a replacement; however; as we told her it does not guarantee her a new pig and most importantly she must take care of her things.

We tried to teach her a lesson and it was incredible watching her go from happy to sad in a blink of an eye. Yes, everything is important to seven year old and they do think the world revolves around them. This is fine when you are are seven but it is not okay as you get older and it is certainly not acceptable when you are a parent. Life has little lessons and sometimes it takes awhile to learn things; I am slowly learning each and every day. I am blessed by these little events and I do love my family with all my heart. My daughter is a special person and she will find happiness even if there is no replacement pig.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Nine Months

I ran across two articles today on compulsive gambling. The first article tells the story of Whit Criswell in 1984. There are eerie similarities to Mr. Criswell story and mine but the morale (at least to me) is he made it through and now it is 20 years later and life got better. Here is the full story. The second story tells the story of Linda Selymes and her gambling addiction. Mrs. Selymes is a highly educated retiree who found too much time and too little to do so she decided to play blackjack. It took over her life and her finances. Here is the full story on her gambling addiction.

The stories continue each and every day someone somewhere will become addicted to gambling and the disease takes no prisoners it actually makes prisoners of those severely addicted. I know for me the only to control the gambling is to NOT do it. I have learned this the hard way and that is the way it goes for me but those of you on the roller coaster of gambling it is never too late to stop no matter what.

I chose to make my last wager nine months from today and it has been a very interesting nine months. I have been terminated from my job; I have been in prison and I have seen my life get better. How can someone who has lost their job and been incarcerated have their life get better; you may ask. Well, I have stopped the insanity and have honestly looked inside myself. What I did for the past 20 plus years led me to where I was nine months ago by denying my gambling problem. I no long deny; I fully admit I am powerless to gambling and my life has become unmanageable. By saying these words my life became better and continues to get better as each day passes. It is only the beginning of a new life with new meaning and purpose. Life does get better no matter how bad you may think things are there is always hope and with God's guidance each day becomes a blessing.

I blame no one for my addiction other than myself; however; this blame is short lived because any blame is counter productive to my recovery. Blaming provides no purpose it is just an excuse. I make a choice each day when I get up and today as it has been for the last nine months I made the choice NOT to gamble and live the day with an honest purpose. When I go to bed in the evening I thank God for giving me the strength to make it through the day and when I get up tomorrow I will do the same things. I like how the last nine months have worked out so I will continue this routine each day one day at a time.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Christmas Decorations

Today was the day we as a family put out our Christmas decorations. I was in charge of putting the lights on the outside of the house and for the first time in five years I did not screw it up!! One year I put the lights on backwards; you may think this is impossible but when I got to the electrical outlet I had no prongs to plug in I had the other end. Instead of taking the lights down I ran an extension cord from the front of the house to the back of the house. Another year I put up lights without testing them and when I went to turn the lights on half of them did not work. Again instead of taking them down and putting up good lights I just put more lights on top of the lights that didn't work which caused the lights to fall down a few weeks later. The weight of the extra lights was too much for the hooks. I guess I was a little pre-occupied those years with other activities. Not this year; my full attention was on putting up the Christmas lights and like I said; I didn't screw it up this year. I guess miracles do happen when you stop gambling!

I did get a little melancholy as I took out the boxes of Christmas decorations because this may be my last Christmas with the family for a few years. I won't go into a pity party because I caused this to myself and to my family and I deserve what is coming to me. I must cherish what I have and not what could have been. The facts of the matter I got to put up the Christmas decorations with my family and I will enjoy each and every day of this holiday season. None of us knows what tomorrow will bring this is why I am finally enjoying today.

I can't believe all the Christmas decorations we have; I guess over the years we have managed to accumulate more things. The children do love the lights on the houses and it is so nice to see the joy in their eyes. My son said it very well as we turned on the outside Christmas lights; he said; "they are BEAUTIFUL." That in and of itself is priceless. Little moments like this one has eluded me for so long. I truly have a wonderful family and I am learning to cherish each and every day with them. I do so love them very much and I know whatever life throws at us we will deal with it as a family and we will deal with it one moment at a time.

The subject came up about evil people and evil deeds. Is an evil deed always performed by an evil person or can an evil deed be performed by a good person? I guess the judgment is best left up to the individual but from what I have seen there are some evil people in this world and they have done evil deeds and the flip side their are some good people who have done evil deeds. Which is worse? Doing anything evil is always bad regardless of whether you are good or evil person; however; sometimes people do make mistakes due to bad decision making and as long as they admit they made a mistake and are willing to make amends for this mistake they are doing the right thing. It is those people who blame everyone but themselves for their lot in life that need to come to terms first with themselves.

Yes, I made some poor decisions and I will suffer the consequences. It is not the end of me as some may want to think rather it is a beginning. I have a great deal to offer and I know it doesn't happen over night it is a gradual process. This process moves one day at a time. I cannot change any of those bad decisions. I take full responsibility for my actions and I am finally get the help I need. With this help and understanding of myself of who I truly am will allow me to not make these bad decisions as each day passes. There is no finish line or I guess the finish line is my last breath (which hopefully won't come for a long time!) and intend to cherish each and every day with a sense of pride and purpose.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Money

Today as I attended the Saturday Morning Gamblers Anonymous something really resonated with me; one of the members was sharing and as they were sharing I finally figured out what has triggered my gambling. It may seem very simplistic and not all that exciting but what has triggered my gambling of the past was MONEY. No, it wasn't to get more money it was my ability to have money. This may not make any sense but my first real bet with a bookmaker when I was 16 years old was made when I started working my first part-time job in high school. This meant I was going to get a paycheck and I decided not to buy things with my paycheck rather to gamble; not a very intelligent move. Two years later I got into trouble with a bookmaker and owed them a lot more money than my paycheck because compulsive gambling is a progressive disease and the stakes got steadily higher.

I was let off the hook for this gambling debt and didn't return to gambling until five years later when I got out of college and started working my first real job with real money. I had a steady paycheck and again made a bad decision and started gambling. Over the course of the next four years it got steadily worse and this time I didn't owe bookmakers rather credit card companies. Again; I was let off the hook by declaring bankruptcy. Another five years goes by I get on my feet financially and discover this thing called the internet and went back to gambling because I had the ability to get money.

After 7 years I am in a horrible situation and I will NOT be let off the hook this time. All the while I never even thought about the money aspect because even though it was about the money it never was about the money. Money was a facilitator in my gambling it was never my intention to get rich from gambling. I wanted to prove to myself I could gamble like other people and I was so wrong it is not funny. I fooled myself for 23 years thinking I could get away with everything and not suffer the consequences. I am making up for lost time because what I did to myself and my family is horrendous because I was NOT honest with myself.

I cannot gamble like normal people because to me normal gambling is thousands and thousands of dollars on countless games every day. This is not normal but for the last 7 years up until about 9 months ago it was normal for me and as each day passed the stakes got higher and higher. My first bet when I was 16 years old was for $25 and my last bet was for $10,000. When Gamblers Anonymous speaks of compulsive gambling as being a progressive disease which never gets better only worse; I can tell anyone who is willing to listen GA is so very correct.

I remember going to Las Vegas when I was a freshman at the University of Southern California in the fall of 1983 and placing a wager on a Pittsburgh Steeler football game for $300 and fast forward 21 years and I was in Las Vegas and placed $15,000 worth of bets along with another $15,000 worth of bets on the Internet on baseball games on a Thursday night; just another day at the office. Yes, this was stupid and is beyond comprehension.

I have not made a wager in almost 9 months for a few reasons and the most notable reason is the Gamblers Anonymous Program and the second reason is I have finally become honest with myself. Another reason is the money and the ability to get money has diminished from my life and this is a good thing. The true test will come in 10 years when all of the legal dust has settled and life will continue to go on. I cannot get to the 10 year mark until I complete one day at a time. Today I did not gamble and I have been honest with myself and that is all I can concentrate on. I have identified a few of my character flaws and I am working to correct them. As long as I stay true to myself and my family today and not gamble life will continue to improve. It has improved so much in the past 9 months and I expect to improve one day at a time.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Cured?

One paragraph from the article written in University of Las Vegas' Newspaper stated the following; "The PGC has cured over two-thirds of the problem gamblers that have came and seen them. They have also helped countless others, according to Preston said." My eyes were immediately drawn to the word CURED; what does this mean? Sixty seven percent of these problem gamblers had there compulsive gambling disorder CURED? I would hope to read more about this in the medical journals because to me there is no cure. The only way for me a compulsive gambler to "cure" my compulsive gambling is to NOT DO IT TODAY. At least I know for today I am "cured".

The article refers to an "intensive" outpatient program consisting of four sessions a week for six weeks. Does this mean the problem gambling is then cured after entering this program? I know for me it is a daily battle and this daily battle will last as long as I am alive which I hope is a very long time. I think it is wonderful there are programs all across this country to treat problem gamblers but I am not sure if "cured" is the right word.

To me; compulsive gambling is a disease which NEVER can be "cured" only arrested as it states in the Gamblers Anonymous Program. It is like have a tumor which is not removed but is not cancerous; however; can turn cancerous on any given day if I am not careful with my diet, exercise and peace of mind. My compulsive gambling disorder got worse over the course of my adult life it never got better because I let it lie dormant. Finally after 20 plus years I am not letting lie dormant; I have given it up because I CANNOT control my gambling nor do I have any desire to ever control my gambling. My life has been thrown into chaos because of my neglect. I know I can arrest this addiction but I cannot do it myself. I need help and I am seeking as much help as possible.

Ninety-five percent of the U.S. population doesn't have a problem with gambling. I am in the five percent which have a problem with gambling. It is something inside my brain and if I start thinking I am like the ninety-five percent it will lead me into self-destruction. I have seen my self-destruction over the last 20 plus years and I don't like where it has taken me. I am embarking on a new life in many ways and this will be without the thought or action of gambling because I cannot do it.

We have a fantastic member in GA who puts things into perspective and their creed which I firmly believe and associate with is; "there are many things in this life I CAN control but gambling is not one of them." I can control my diet, my exercise routine and the choices in my life but I too CANNOT control my gambling and this is okay. Life without gambling is a wonderful because all of the lies and deceit that came with gambling made me a very bad person. Now without the gambling the lies and deceit have gone away and I am starting to be a better person as each day passes. It is a long road with no finish line which is why it (for me) has to be lived one day at time.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

I would like to wish everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving. I hope everyone had a wonderful and safe holiday. Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks. It is the one American holiday which gifts are not required. It is a holiday to be spent with loved ones; whether those loved ones are family or friends it makes no difference. I have been so blessed because I spent Thanksgiving with my family and some very special friends. It was a magnificent day and I have so much to be thankful for.

In the past I took this holiday and many other holiday and for that matter many other days for granted. I didn't stop and give thanks for the wondrous blessings in my life. I would like to take this time to thank everyone for their support. Without this support I would be in a very dark and desperate place. Now I am in a place with much hope and happiness. My appreciation for everyone has grown so much and thank you for my the bottom of my heart. I love everyone.

I don't know why it has taken me so long to understand how good I have it in life but I am thankful for finally learning. I was able to spend this Thanksgiving with fantastic people and I have so many things to be thankful for. I am thankful for my family without them I do not exist. I am thankful for my wonderful friends who have stood behind me through this terrible ordeal. I am thankful for God without his guidance my life would be dark and would lack purpose. I am thankful for the roof over my head, the food in the pantry and the love that surrounds me. Without all of these things life would be very difficult.

As I head into the holiday season it is very difficult not to reflect back on holidays past but they are gone and are fond memories in my heart and mind. The key though is that they are gone forever and I cannot linger in those thoughts. It is nice to visit but it is a very detrimental place if I were to stay. Staying in the past means I am not learning or growing in my recovery. Yes, I am recovering and will continue to recover from a compulsive gambling addiction for the rest of my life. I must maintain this thought today because over the past 8 months and 27 days I have found out so much about myself and I am starting to like the results. I cannot forget what I have done to those people who love me or I am bound to make the same mistakes. These same mistakes would be catastrophic because it would end in despair.

Today I have hope and that is all that matters to me. I have hope in my family, friends and all that surrounds me. Having this hope means the world to me because it makes each day so much more enjoyable. Without hope brings that despair and despair is a destructive force. I am trying to stay away from destructive forces each and every day and concentrate on the positive. These positives give me strength to live each and every day with a purpose and with the Grace of God. I am trying to get out of the way and let God guide me forward. Sometimes it is hard because my mind works in very strange ways but without this guidance, strength and hope I would move backwards. I make a choice each and every day to move forward not backward. By moving forward it takes me one step closer to the true person that I am. I am finding this person one step at a time.

Again, I would like to thank everyone for allowing me to be a part of their lives. I am so blessed to have all these amazing people in my life; I hope everyone had a safe, happy and superb Thanksgiving.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Compassion

Kindness, compassion and caring are words which are not used often enough in my opinion. There are so many people in my life who have showed these characteristics toward me over these past 8 months. Actually I have only noticed this over the past 8 months but some of those people who have been part of my life for a very long time have ALWAYS exhibited these characteristics because they are good people.

I trust I have not been a BAD person all my life or I wouldn't have these people in my life. It is so nice to be surrounded by these positive emotions even though what I had done to some of these people may have seem unforgivable. If I were a truly bad person I wouldn't be able to write this blog and I would be still sitting in jail. It has taken a great deal to get me to finally realize I am and will always be a compulsive gambler but thank God it has finally happened.

Compulsive gambling is truly an insidious and baffling addiction and for me has been a life long struggle. Maybe God had planned it this way because without me finally acknowledging I am a compulsive gambler I would not have met many of these kind, caring and compassionate people. I am blessed beyond belief with all the caring and kindness in my life. This compassion has gone a long way in my recovery and keeps me going each and every day.

Thank God there are more good people in this world than bad. Is it easier to disassociate yourself with someone who has done some bad things or is it easier to show support and compassion for someone who has done these bad things. I think it would be easier to run away and say "I knew this person was bad all along" but it takes a person with character to stand up and support someone who is truly down. I have more of these type of people in my life and in fact every one currently in my life has been extremely compassionate with their support and giving.

What would I do if the situation were reversed? I would like to think I have learned something over the past 8 months and I would show support and compassion but not having the Gamblers Anonymous Program in my life I am not sure what I would have done. I do know prior to my "situation" I was able to help people at my previous employer both employees and customers. I always wanted to do what was best for them and I seemed to believe people more often than not. What I didn't do was look inside myself and do what was best for me and my family.

I certainly can't change what I have done in the past and must concentrate on today and today only. I must do what is best for me and my family which is getting continuing help with my compulsive gambling addiction. Without this help I am destined to repeat those mistakes of the past and I don't want to go back there because I will go back there alone. Those wonderful compassionate people can only take so much pain before cutting their ties and I have no intention of going back to my old habits. I need to live one day at time and this will be lived with purpose, honesty, compassion, caring and kindness.

My heart, prayers and thoughts go out to my step mother Pat who lost her mother this week. May God bless you and your family in this time of grieving. Pat you have blessed our family and especially my Dad; we all love you so very much and if there is anything we can do please do not hesitate to ask.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Truth

I had a very interesting conversation with a friend of mine this morning at the gym. This friend is someone who I really only know from the gym but we also share another common bond we worked at the same place or more correctly he still works there but I don't. He is a good person who actually embraced me after not having seen me for a few months but knew what had happened. He did not judge or dismiss me because of my actions he remained my friend.

He was telling me about a conversation he had with someone we both know. I will spare the specifics because they are really not important to my recovery but I will say I am certainly not surprised by the remarks. What I did to my previous employer was reprehensible and everyone associated has every right to be angry and disappointed by my actions. However; I must say when certain people are faced with the truth they may never find it because they don't know where to look because the lies and deceit have become part of their being. Much like it became part of my being up to 8 months and 23 days ago.

I am surrounded by people who care and show concern. This does not lessen what I did or diminish what I did it only shows how blessed I truly am. I made a grave mistake but it is never too late to make amends and live life with a sense of purpose and most importantly to live life with honesty. Honesty was not very important to me for a number of years. However; honesty has become my savior. Without honesty I would be living in lies and deceit and I don't want to go back there. This is why I choose to live with honesty each and every day.

The truth has set me free because I no longer think I can gamble like normal people and I choose not to gamble today. Life has a purpose that it had lost for a number of years ago. Living one day at time with honesty and humility has its benefits. One of those benefits is I am feeling better about myself now than I have in a very long time. I know I have disappointed many people and I certainly have disappointed myself. This disappointment can be changed into a positive because I must be accountable to myself, my family, my God and the Gamblers Anonymous Program because without this accountability life ceases to exist. I love my family so very much and I love my friends as well; I will try my best to NOT disappoint anyone including myself today because this is one of the keys to my recovery.

My recovery does not have end only a beginning because it is ongoing. I have the brain of a compulsive gambler and barring a brain transplant I will have this brain until the day I die. Within this brain lies some bad choices made solely by me. I don't want to make any more bad choices this is why I try to make the best choices each day and today I made the choice NOT to gamble and it turned out to be a good day.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Days

The days certainly do pass very quickly. Today was one of those days were it went by so fast it is hard to believe the day has come and gone. We (as a family) decided to see Chicken Little the movie and I decided we should take a ride to Hollywood to view it on the special Disney screen at the El Capitan Theater on Hollywood Boulevard. My mother-in-law (Grandma to my children) has never been to Los Angeles nor has she been to Hollywood. I thought it would be a good idea to take the whole family into Hollywood.

Sometimes with good intentions comes consequences. These consequences came in the form of traffic. We live about 90 miles from Hollywood and on a good day (which there never seems to be any in terms of TRAFFIC) it can take an hour and half. But on a bad day (which today was one) it can take up to 2 1/2 hours each way (which it did!). I thought we were going to miss the movie because we hit traffic in unexpected places and we spent 5 hours in a car today!! It really wasn't too bad; I was driving and I did realize how exhausting doing nothing but sitting in traffic can be. The children watched movies on the portable DVD which is a must on any car trip over one hour! Grandma sat in the back with the children and my wife took a nap. I know it could have been worse but the children were great as they usually are in car trips.

We did make the movie and it was more of a "movie" experience then going to the local cineplex. The theater was old and had charm; there was an organist; the characters of the movie came out and performed a dance and the feature was shown in 3-D. I am not sure if it was worth five hours in a car to see but everyone seemed to have a good time and my mother-in-law got to see the overrated part of Hollywood. Actually come to think of it most of Hollywood is overrated even the million dollar homes in the Hills are overrated because they are small and old. However; some of Hollywood has character or shall I say a sense of history.

I was thinking (which usually gets me into trouble!) as we drove around Hollywood that I was there 22 years ago as a student at the University of Southern California. I spent two non-consecutive semesters there which is another story for another time. I saw the movie Scarface at Grauman's Chinese Theater which was right across the street from where we saw the movie today. I saw this movie in 1983 and not much has changed in those 22 years. I can't believe I have memories from 22 years ago; I guess I AM getting old. I remember seeing Scarface like it was yesterday and how unimpressed I was with the historic theater.

I think we all remember Scarface the movie because of the violence but the memory I have is of the movie theater itself not the movie. I thought the area was dirty and a bit seedy. They have cleaned it up in the 22 years but it really isn't anything impressive in my opinion. I was very happy to bring my children the experience of seeing a movie in Hollywood but I wouldn't make a habit of it especially if I have to spend five hours in a car!!

Time does move by quickly and yes, I have more memories from 30 plus years ago but today is what's most important to me. Today there was no gambling, no thinking of gambling and no conspiring to gamble. It was a day spent with my family and it was a great day. Yes, it has taken me a long time to figure out what is most important but I think I am starting to understand and I thank God for this understanding because without his presence and the presence of my family I am nothing.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

A Year Ago

This time last year the family and I were headed off to the airport for a family vacation in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. No, we were not scheduled to stay at a five star resort. We were meeting friends of ours from Las Vegas and their family to spend the Thanksgiving Holiday. My friends have a timeshare and they were kind enough to ask us to join them for the week at a very reasonable rate. As we drove off to the airport last year it had started to snow and there was an actual accumulation of 2 inches. This was a very big deal because living in this part of Southern California seeing snow on the ground is a very rare sight; I think it happens about every 30 years. Our plane was taking off last year at this time and we missed the snow event but we had a great time on the vacation.

At the end of the trip we had such a good time we asked our friends if we could make this annual event and join them for the Thanksgiving Holiday each year. They said yes, and early this year I had pre-paid the vacation but circumstances being what they are my friend was kind enough to refund the pre-payment and my life and my family's life changed direction dramatically. My friend and his family did embark on the vacation this year and I am sure they will have a great time. Yes, my life and the lives of my family has changed directions and I am sure it would have been wonderful to join our friends in Mexico but all of that is in the past. I cannot undo the past events I can only concentrate on today. Today; I took my children to the park and watched them play for a few hours. It was a glorious day; there was no snow in the forecast and the temperature reached 83 degrees.

We had a great time and it doesn't matter to my children that we are not spending the holiday in Mexico. It matters to my children that their Grandmother is here to spend the holiday with them. My children don't care about material items and sometimes this is hard to fathom but the bottom line is they want their family to be together for the holidays. Whether it is spent at home or in some foreign country it makes no difference to them. The just care that everyone is together. My children had a great time at the park as did I. They are playing on the trampoline right now and life for them couldn't be any better.

Tragic events have a different affect on everyone. I chose to take my tragic event and make the best out of it. Yes, what I did was so very wrong and I can't say I am sorry enough but saying I am sorry doesn't change those events. Looking back and wallowing in self-pity doesn't do a damn bit of good. What's done is done and all I have is today. Today is great; my family is fabulous and God is great.

Somewhere along the way the holding pattern I have been in "legal" terms will subside. Eight and half months ago I made decision NOT to stay in this holding pattern in terms of my recovery and personal growth. Thank God I made this decision because each and every day has gotten better. Material things, possessions, vacations are nice and I don't begrudge anyone for having any of these. They are not my focus; my focus is on my recovery, living life one day at a time with a purpose and my family. All of the things that surround me are blessings and all of these blessings are real and tangible. What matter most is more real today than it was one year ago.

How can someone be rich and still be poor? In my opinion; you can have all the money and possessions in your life and still be poor in spirit. How can someone be poor and still be rich? In my opinion you can have no money no material possessions and be rich in spirit. I would rather be rich in spirit then spiritually deprived or morally bankrupt. Yes, I have learned many things over the past eight and half months and I continue to learn each and every day. I love this learning process and I love my life and my family. I thank God each every day for all he has bestowed upon me.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Lives Ruined or Not?

Last night I had the privilege of attending a birthday celebration for two fellow Gamblers Anonymous members. One member was celebrating 8 years of abstinence and the other 3 years of abstinence. There were many people in attendance because these two members are true testaments to the Gamblers Anonymous Program. The member with 3 years experience has a truly inspirational story and I have learned so much from their journey and it has given me so much strength and hope. There are some great people in the Gamblers Anonymous Program and I am truly honored to be in their presence. The Program does work and their is hope and great life to be lived without gambling.

My mother-in-law is visiting from the East Coast and she will be spending Thanksgiving with us. The children were so excited to see her in fact they were so excited they all slept in the same bed. She is a wonderful and loves her family so very much and it is so nice to see my children and how much they love their grandmother.

I wanted to post another article on Compulsive Gambling and please pay close attention to the horrible statistics. Here is a story about a very educated man from Michigan who conquered one addiction for 20 plus years but couldn't control his gambling which led to pitiful incomprehensible demoralization; here is the story;

Addictions Nearly Ruined Burkes Life

Michael Burke never believed one addiction could lead to another.

He addressed 67 community members, telling them of the dangers of getting hooked on alcohol and gambling Thursday evening at the Saginaw Chippewa Tribal Gym.

Burke, a Howell resident, said he was surrounded by alcohol since he was a kid.
Alcohol was not looked down upon by my family, he said. You were expected to drink.

Burke said he once was a promising lawyer until the addiction became severe.
I remember one day I told myself I wouldn't let the alcohol control me in the court room, so I didn't drink my vodka, he said. I got in the court room in front of the judge and couldn't even speak in front of the judge my heart was beating, my palms were sweating. The judge just figured it was because I was young and nervous.

He then went back to his car and drank a pint of vodka.

Burke said his tolerance level eventually lowered and on a daily basis he became wasted. Then one day, his wife checked him into the hospital and left him there.

The doctor told me to take the medication or get out, he said. That was the point when I decided to give up my fight with alcohol right there.

Burke rid himself of his addiction for over 20 years, but spent his 25th, 26th, and 27th year of sobriety in prison because of gambling.

If I only put the time into my classes that I put into studying blackjack, I would have been in the top ten of my graduating class, no question about it, he said.

Burke stole money from his clients because he drained his savings more than $100,000. He was arraigned, sent to prison for three years and ordered to pay $1.6 million back to his former clients.

His actions weren't too out of the ordinary for someone who has his addiction, he said. In fact, two out of three compulsive gamblers commit an illegal act to get money, and one out of five compulsive gamblers attempt to commit suicide.

Burke wanted to get one message across to students: Gambling and alcoholism go hand-in-hand.
They go hand (in) hand because you get the same feeling, he said. Students feel two things: They think they are more intelligent and that they have been touched by the hand of God. I know a kid who dropped out of junior college to play poker.

If you find yourself once a week at a casino, Burke said, you have a problem. He also said addicts don't admit they lose money ever.

Joe Sowmick, public relations director for the Saginaw Chippewa Indian Tribe, said it was good for a speaker to come address the community.

The message is if you think you have a problem, it probably is and you should talk to someone versed in these matters, he said. It was a message we wanted the community to hear.

Burke said he still thinks about the day he got arraigned for stealing he went to the hospital with a heart condition, the day of the arraignment, and was told he had to have triple bypass surgery or he'd die.

A priest came in my room that night and tried to give me my last rites, he said. I yelled at him to get out. I wanted to die unforgiven and go to Hell for what I had done to my family.

Burke hoped the message would resonate to students so they would not to end up in the same position.

I still remember something a speaker told me when I was in rehab: "If you can drink it, snort it, roll it or inject it, you can get addicted to it," so don't do it, Burke recalled.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Beginning

Today as I sat in the courtroom wife my wife and waited for my case to be called; my wife had ask me a question. By the way nothing happened in court because the "regular" Judge was not there so I go back in a few weeks. I have really lost tract of how many times there has been a postponement but I guess this is the way the justice system works. Getting back to the question my wife asked me as we sat in court this morning. She was asking about when I was in custody awaiting my bail arraignment and I got to thinking about the six nights I spent in the county jail before my wonderful family and friends raised the bail money.

It was a Wednesday, March 16th and it had been two weeks to the day when I was "terminated" by my previous employer for my indiscretions. I knew something was going to happen but I did not realize this would be the day. I waited the two weeks while the detectives gathered all their evidence and brought charges. In this two weeks I tried to contact my previous employer through various emails detailing my gambling addiction and "why" I did what I did. I really wanted to work something out with my previous employer and NOT have the police involved but (I cannot blame them at all because what I did was WRONG) my previous employer didn't want anything to do with me and my reasons. In fact; over one of the weekends while I was awaiting the charges the police came to my house NOT to arrest me but to check on my well being. Someone at my previous employer was concerned about whether or not I may harm myself and contacted the local police department. When they came to the door my heart naturally jumped into my throat but we had a nice conversation and I assured them I was not going to do anything "stupid" and it is 8 1/2 months later and I have stuck to my word.

Getting back to the faithful day of March 16th; I was at the Gym and received a phone call from my sister-in-law who was staying with us at the time with her new born daughter telling me to come home because the police were at my home and going through the whole house. I showered, called my attorney because I did not know what to do but couldn't reach my attorney and went home. I saw two detectives standing in my home talking with my wife and the next thing I know the detective was placing me in handcuffs and walking me to an awaiting police car; it was around noon time and thank God neither my daughter or son were home, they were at school. My wife was trying to contact our attorney and I kissed her good-bye and told her how sorry I am for putting her through this, She assured me everything will be fine, what an amazing woman!!

I was placed in the police car and off we went to the county detention center. The same officer who had me in custody two weeks earlier at my previous employer and let me go because the evidence wasn't fully compiled drove me to the police station. We went in the "back way" so I could be processed into the jail. It still is a blur but I do remember the Detective asking me if I had anything to say or would I wait for my attorney to be present. I opted for waiting for my attorney. Also this same detective told the processing officer that I was being very cooperative. I guess this means they weren't going to give me a hard time which they certainly did not; everyone was very professional. I was placed in a 4 x 4 holding cell for the next 24 hours with one other person because there was no room in the county jail so I sat and waited for 24 hours, I did not know time could stand still but that 24 hours was the longest 24 hours of my life. There were no clocks, no sun light and not much of anything but I brought this entire episode on myself and deserved this punishment.

One of the officers took me to central processing for my fingerprints and "mug shots". The lady taking the picture wanted to make sure the picture came out good because my case was a "high profile" case and the picture would probably wind up in the newspaper. As of today the picture has NOT been in the newspaper and but there have been a few articles. I was escorted back to the holding cell and was summoned for an interview with the OR (Own Recognizance) Officer to see if I would be eligible for this type of bail release. The officer asked my several questions mostly about my family and previous work history. I could over hear the person next to me while they were conducting their interview and I noticed the Officer was admonishing the inmate because he was a repeat offender. My officer did not admonish me but I knew I had no chance of an OR release because of the suspected dollar amount but it was still part of the process.

I was finally admitted to the "big" prison after 24 hours of waiting in the 4 x 4 holding cell. I was placed into an orange jumpsuit and my regular clothes were placed in with the uniform Officer. I was led to the prison in handcuffs which were attached to a large chain around my waist. I was sent to the "Protective Custody" area of the jail which meant I was with non-violent type offenders which also meant I was placed with child molesters. Never in my wildest nightmares would I have envisioned being in a place like this and those of you reading this who think you MAY have a gambling problem and are thinking this can't happen to me I would beg to differ. Compulsive gambling can take people to places where they are not proud of and 6% of ALL suicides are committed by compulsive gamblers; to me this is a significant number so please get help because it is never too late.

I spent the next four nights in the county jail cell which was 4 x 8 with bunk beds. I shared the cell with an elderly gentleman who was extremely nice to me because I was minding my own business. I believe he was there on a parole violation and had another 3 months to go. He was able to get me a few books to read and no one bothered me at all. At 5:00 am the lights went on for breakfast and we were let out of our cells for 20 minutes. At 11:00 am lunch was served and again we were let out of our cells for 20 minutes and at 4:00 pm dinner was served for the same time period. I was a hit with the fellow inmates because I gave away my meat (I think it was meat) because I am a vegetarian and I ate their salad or fruit. The drinks were either milk which I don't drink or Kool-Aid which I tried to water down. Needless to say after finally getting out I was so hungry, tired and dirty. Yes, they had showers but I didn't feel very comfortable in this shower and moved in out as quick as possible. Also, during the times other than breakfast, lunch and dinner we were allowed out of our cells for one hour intervals at least two and sometimes three times a day, the rest of the time was spent in the cell. Out in the common area there were telephones and one television. I had made a few phone calls but I had no desire to sit and watch television. Also, there was no daylight at all so only the clock showed whether it was day or night time.

During the times we were let out of the cells I would walk for the hour around the common area up the stairs passed the second level of cells to get some type of exercise because any physical (such as push-ups or pull-ups) exercise by the inmates was prohibited, I guess the guards did not want the inmates to be stronger than them. Any time someone was caught doing push-ups or pull-ups the guard will immediately yell at them the first time and the second time meant you couldn't come out of your cell the entire day. I decided to walk to get some type of conditioning because I was going stir crazy looking at those walls. I did speak with a few inmates who knew why I was in there because my story was in the newspaper. These inmates were very "proud" of my misdeeds but I couldn't share their enthusiasm. I tried to downplay it as much as possible and changed the subject so not to focus the attention on me. The last thing I wanted was attention; I just wanted to do my time and get out of there.

At 1:00 am of the 6th night my cell was opened and the officer informed me I had made bail. My great friend came to pick me up at 3:00 am because it took two hours to discharge me which meant spending another 2 hours in the 4 x 4 holding cell. I was so happy to see my friend who drove me home and we talked for an hour at my house then he went home. My wife and children were not there (thank God) because they were in New Jersey visiting family for the Easter holiday. After my friend left I made myself a tuna sandwich and after eating the sandwich I took the longest hottest shower of my life. I slept for a few hours before my wife called and asked me how I was doing. I was doing fine and I couldn't wait to go to the Tuesday night Gamblers Anonymous meeting because I hadn't been at a meeting in over one week.

I had to get this out and put it in writing because my brain sometimes conveniently leaves out some major details like when I was 18 years old and when I was 28 years old. I conveniently forgot how terrible I felt at those times but the feeling I had in March of this year is one I hope and pray I never forget. I can put it in its proper perspective in my recovery but I can not forget this awful feeling. I cannot dwell on this awful feeling because that will do me no good. I must continue my recovery each and every day which means abstaining from gambling, adhering to the Gamblers Anonymous Program and cherish all the blessings God has bestowed on me. Life will continue to go on and it does get better one day at a time.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Gaming Thoughts

Today was "sportsathon" day at my son's pre-school and one of the positive about my current situation is I am able to attend this wonderful events. I was able to watch my son run and cycle ten laps and then he jumped 53 times. He had the most laps in running and cycling and he came in third in jumping; he was so proud of himself and I am always proud of him. I was able to spend two hours with my son at his pre-school this morning and it was so nice to see him behaving oh so well with the other children. He really is a great child and another one of my blessings!!

I was able to take him from his pre-school this morning to my daughter's class where they were celebrating a "Thanksgiving Feast". In the past I would have not made these events because I was too important to miss work or so I thought, my how wrong I was. I am not important my family is important and this is what really matters in my life. The "feast" at my daughter's school was very nice and the children really enjoyed themselves.

I take a look back at my previous life and wonder how I could have thought the things I did. The world doesn't revolve around me and there is no need to take unnecessary risks. Eight months ago I removed gambling from my life and it has helped me really see the true me. Gambling clouded everything I did from interacting to my family to interacting at my previous employment; I was foolish but I have so many things in my life to be thankful for and I cherish all of these things each and every day.

At the end of the "feast" a few of the mothers and the teachers got on the topic of poker and how one their ten year old son's was teaching their 6 year old daughter how to play Texas Hold'em. Unfortunately or fortunately I did not hear this conversation my wife told me about it after it happened. One of the mother's went on to comment yes, my son and his friend's play poker in our basement for $1 (they are 10 years old) and I am so happy because I know where they are. My wife bit her tongue through the conversation but she did let the teacher know I am a compulsive gambler and the conversation soon stopped.

I have nothing against gambling because it provided a great living for me and my family for many years; however; I never thought of myself as a compulsive gambler during this entire time. Now I am and will always be a compulsive gambler and think the best approach to young people gambling is EDUCATION. We educate our children on drugs and to some extent alcohol why don't we do the same for gambling? I have written about this before and I will say it again; the younger people are exposed to gambling the more likely they will become problem gamblers later in life. If there is a poker table filled with 10 12 year old boys and girls chances are very good one of them will become a problem gambler. You may not think one is significant but that is 10% so for every 100 10 will become problem gamblers. Say we have 1,000,000 12 year old boys and girls playing Texas Hold'em this means 100,000 have a very good chance at being problem gamblers later in life. I think this is a significant number.

Through education and awareness this number can be decreased. Look what alcohol has done with the designated driver program and the DUI laws; the number of DUI's has come done significantly. Maybe the casinos should implement a designated gambler program where one person shoulders the burden for 10 people; oh wait they already have this program and it is called the High Limit Room, sorry about that I couldn't resist. Seriously, education and awareness needs to be done at a young age or there will be significant rise in compulsive gamblers in the next five years. I think we are already there but it is never too late to start anything.

In December I have been invited to attend the National Council on Responsible Gaming Conference. This conference is put on by the Harvard Medical School Addiction Division. There will be many scholarly people in attendance (how I got invited I'll never know!!) and I am interested to hear their perspective on problem gambling and especially what is being done in the field. It should be an eye opening conference. Hopefully it won't come across as a "dog and pony show" for the gaming corporations because they are major donors for the National Conference on Responsible Gaming organization. I have been speaking with many of the presenters at this conference over the past eight months and it will be good to put a face with their voice. Yes, my life does go on and yes, it life is very different now but it is certainly better now than it has ever been at any other point in my life because the lies have stopped.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Imposing Will

As I came out of Tuesday's Gamblers Anonymous meeting I found myself feeling much better when I entered and I was very energized. However. there was something else I was feeling which was frustration. I know I cannot impose my will on any one nor should I take inventory of anyone but myself; however; last night I found myself wanted to shake some sense into fellow members but thankfully I didn't say or do anything I would have regretted. Everyone works their recovery differently and the key concept for me is to NOT GAMBLE TODAY. Sometimes it takes people (like myself) years to understand this concept and sometimes people never fully understand this concept.

I cannot change anyone except myself. I write and talk all about my recovery and what has worked for me as well as others who have been successful in recovery. It is none of my business what other people do with their recovery it is my business what I do with my recovery only. I got into a great deal of trouble previously in my life by NOT taking a hard, cold , honest look at myself. I don't want to fall into this pattern again. I have not gambled for 8 months and 19 days and I am starting to understand myself. I cannot change others nor should I try to change anyone I must concentrate on myself and my family.

I received a comment from another blogger who is in the earlier stages of battling their compulsive gambling addiction. I thought they were asking my advice on one of the postings and I wrote a very long comment which was not posted. My comment was written from my perspective and I believe I was imposing my will on this person by telling them things they should do. It is not my place to tell anyone to do anything and I apologize if I offended them it was not my intention.

Compulsive gambling is a horrible addiction and makes people do horrible things but it is not my place to tell someone what to do. I can only suggest what has helped me and others who have been successful in their recoveries against this awful addiction. I hope this person continues their recovery and is very successful in their life without gambling. If anyone is interested in another compulsive gambler battling this addiction I encourage you to read this site.

I remember 5 years ago a good friend who has a daughter 5 years older than my daughter telling me how much he enjoyed having conversations with his daughter. Now his daughter is entering her teenage years and they still have a great relationship. I can see the same things happening with my daughter. Our conversations have moved to the next level and they are great conversations. Additionally, she is starting to ask some very inquisitive questions such as when we were watching a movie and she asked me if the "bad guys" destroy the world aren't they destroying themselves as well?? My response was; "great question and you are correct". Also; she is starting to ask some hard questions about Santa Claus. She is 7 years old soon to be 8 and I am wondering if this is the last Christmas where she still believes. They grow up so fast and I am so blessed by my daughter's presence, I thank God each and every day for this blessing.

Last night there was a conversation on wife bashing and I certainly could not add anything to this conversation. My wife has been nothing short of amazing through this horrible ordeal; she is an angel a true gift from God. Even though she was very tired from cleaning all day (her Mom is coming to visit for Thanksgiving) she found time to go to her Wednesday Night Gam-Anon (it is a meeting for anyone who has been affected by a compulsive gambler) meeting. She is a magnificent woman and I love her so very much.

Yes, it has taken a near catastrophic event to make me realize all the true blessings in my life were right in front of me. There is no need for me to look any further nor is there any need for me to want anything else. I have everything anyone can ask for and again I thank God for all of these blessings. Before the grace of God go I and I have been graced by God to an extraordinary level.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Progressive in Nature

Compulsive gambling is progressive in nature and never gets better it only gets worse. For me as a compulsive gambler I tried and failed two other times to quit by myself. The first time I was in a little debt; the second time I was in a bigger debt and the third time I was in an enormous amount of debt; progressive in nature is this addiction. The only way for me to "control" my gambling is to NOT gamble. I tried the "control" method and it only got worse.

I have met many people in Gamblers Anonymous with very successful recoveries and I have met other people who struggle. What separates someone from being very successful to one who struggles? I don't know and can only look at myself. In the times I tried to quit by myself after a few years I forgot how bad my gambling had become and started to gamble again. I think this is called complacency. I became complacent about my life and complacent about my gambling. I never thought of the consequences and now I am reaping those consequences.

In Gamblers Anonymous the successful people really understand the power of the Program. It is an incredible fellowship with a very important message; "help people with a gambling problem". There is only one requirement in Gamblers Anonymous; "the desire to stop gambling". This doesn't mean you have to stop gambling but it does mean you have to want to stop gambling. I came into the program with what seemed like an insurmountable amount of problems caused by my gambling. Things that just won't "go away" if I stop gambling but I know they won't come back if I stop gambling.

The key concepts for me are honesty, powerlessness, and serenity. If I honesty look at my gambling and examine what it has done to me and my family on a daily basis and make a vow not to gamble today; life does get better. If I admit I am powerless to gambling and surrender this to my Higher Power (God) I don't have to worry about "controlling" my gambling because I won't gamble today; this is the only way for me to "control" my gambling by not doing it.

Finally, there are things in this world I cannot control and God has granted me the serenity to accept those things and God has given me the courage to change the things I can which is my behavior. I choose NOT to gamble today and embrace life today; everything in my life will work out because life is a beautiful journey which is meant to be lived one moment at a time.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Recovery

Earlier on in my recovery I had a conversation with my mother about how can a compulsive gambler stop gambling; can a compulsive gambler just say no and stop gambling; is it that easy or is it really difficult. I can only answer these questions from my own perspective and although it has been only 8 1/2 months of recovery I feel the need to address some of these questions.

I feel it is not easy but on the same token it is not hard; let me explain. When I was gambling the farthest thing from my mind was stopping; I wanted to gamble and gamble some more even though towards the end it wasn't even fun. If someone would have tapped me on the shoulder and said; "Paul, I think you are a compulsive gambler and you need to stop," I am not sure what I would have done. Most likely I would have continued to gamble and lied to that person about my gambling because I never saw myself as a compulsive gambler until the end.

Three times in my life I have tried to stop gambling because of certain events. The first episode came when I was 18 years old and owed a great deal of money to a local bookmaker. Yes, I stopped for five years but I never thought of myself as a compulsive gambler and wanted to prove to myself I could gamble better than anyone else. This concept lasted four years until I was 28 years old and had to declare personal bankruptcy due to my gambling obsession. Even though I listed gambling debts in my bankruptcy filing I never thought I was a compulsive gambler and sought help. I stopped for five years until I discovered the internet.

The internet was a place where I could have total anonymity and no one would know I was gambling again and this time I would prove to myself I could gamble better than anyone else. I tried to treat it like investing in the stock market and hired "professional handicappers" to pick the games. But what I soon realized their "controlled" approach was no match for my compulsive nature so I not only paid for their selections and bet them I bet my own, every day without fail for 6 years. The wagers got higher and higher and the risks I started taking got higher and higher. Then the faithful day of March 2, 2005 came and I was terminated because of where my compulsive gambling had lead me and on March 5, 2005 I entered a Gamblers Anonymous meeting for the very first time and my life changed.

I know for me it took near catastrophic events for me to stop gambling and I sure hope this last episode is the "last episode" because there is only one alternative left for me which is death. What I have learned in these past 8 1/2 months is life is so worth living and it is worth living without gambling and taking unnecessary risks.

Getting back to the original questions; for me stopping gambling was very difficult the first two times I tried because I was not honest nor open with myself. The third time I am hoping is the charm because I have been honest and open with myself and have admitted I am and will always be a compulsive gambler. Gamblers Anonymous has taught me so much and continues to teach me each and every day. One of these lessons is; it is not easy to quit gambling but it also is not hard if the right tools and concepts are applied to recovery.

Quitting on my own was a very big mistake but it was something I did at the time and I can't erase history I can only move forward and make the necessary changes from inside myself with honest an open mind. My mind has been opened for the last 8 1/2 months this is why quitting has not be so hard because my gambling led me to places I would not have dreamed of and made a mess of everything in not only my life but the lives of my family, co-workers and friends.

There is a member in GA who talks of having only "one" recovery left in them and I agree because I have tried it by myself and failed miserably. Now I don't have to do it by myself and it is working each and every day. I know I am one bet away from a death spiral which is why I choose to NOT gamble today.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Sociable

It seems lately we as a family or more so myself have become more sociable than ever before. Last night we were invited over to another Gamblers Anonymous Member's home for a little get together. Our kids joined their children and there was another member and their wife present as well. It was a wonderful evening. We talked, drank wine, talked some more, ate some wonder appetizers and the children played very nicely with one another.

In the past few months we have been invited over to more people's houses than the previous four years combined when I was working. Is this a coincidence? I think not; the people in Gamblers Anonymous are fabulous and have impressed me so much in these past 8 1/2 months. The love and caring is tremendous; this is another one of the blessings in my life.

"There is no way to happiness....happiness is the way," this is a quote I heard earlier today and it speaks volumes to me. Many people go through life miserable and blame everything on everyone. I have not been one of these people but I never fully embraced life until 8 1/2 months ago. Happiness is certainly the way because how is being miserable going to help any situation. There is a great deal more happiness in my life than misery and in fact my life has been filled with happiness. Yet I chose not to embrace this happiness for so many years now I am embracing it each and every day.

"It is better to be kind than right," I think that is how the quote from Gandhi is stated? Again, I was never a I must be right on any issue type of person but I never really thought about this concept. A member at tonight's GA meeting stated this quote and it made me realize something about myself. I like helping people and I have always liked helping people which to me meant being kind; however; I never really understood how to help myself.

While I was helping others and being kind to them I neglected myself. I needed help but failed to realize this for such a long period of time. However; I finally realized I needed help and found out how kind and generous people can be. Without this kindness, generosity, caring and love I would have never looked into myself with honesty. This honesty is an awakening and life is a blessing one day at a time. I thank God each and every day for all of the kind, caring, considerate and loving people in my life.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Unexpected Good News

As I picked up our mail from the mailbox I thumbed through the letters and other assorted junk and noticed a letter I had been waiting for a few days. I opened the letter and very much to my surprise it was good news. I cannot go into specifics but I can say it is indirectly related to my current legal situation and it is one less item I need to concern myself with. I firmly believe you do good things and good things happen. If it weren't for all of the tremendous support I have had over these past 8 months I know this letter would have been negative. However, because I am living the right way and taking the right steps life has a way of certainly working itself out. No matter what happens in the coming months my life has already gotten better and I intend it to get better one moment at a time.

There was a news report out of New York City regarding youth gambling on poker; here is one of the questions and answers in this report; Sarah: "Do you see a risk at all of getting hooked on it?" Teen: "Yeah, you can get hooked on it, but when you do lose a lot of money, you are usually broke at the time and then you can't play." The answer came from teenager who is encouraged to play poker by his parents because "at least my kids aren't doing drugs" so the parent hosts poker parties. Let me examine the answer; "yes, you can get hooked on it but when you are out of money you can't play," interesting philosophy but for the compulsive gambler (I am not passing judgment on this person as compulsive or not I am just relaying my experience) running out of money is a trigger to other bad behavior. Is the fact that this person stops when they run out of money a good sign as to NOT being a compulsive gambler or is it the next step in the progression of the disease? For me, it was the next step because the "high" of gambling needed to be consumed and the compulsive gambler will do anything to get this "high" even of an anti-social nature.

Let's face it; gambling much like drinking is an accepted part of our culture while drugs are not because they are illegal. This is why the grammar schools (like my daughter's) dedicate an entire week to "Say NO to Drugs" and they educate the children on negatives of drug use. Whereas with gambling and alcohol there seems to be less and less education when the children are confronted with these at later ages in life some bad choices are made. I know for myself I have never taken an illegal drug (this certainly does not make me a better person than anyone else, it is just something I have never done) but I have gambled to such an excess that drug addicts don't even understand. Would a comprehensive program of education and awareness saved me from my demons, who knows but I am sure it wouldn't have hurt.

Why don't we educate our younger children as to the dangers of gambling, alcohol and drugs. The drug issue is being addressed but it certainly doesn't stop people from trying drugs but at least it is a first step. I know education and awareness will not stop people from becoming compulsive gamblers or alcoholics but having knowledge of something is certainly an advantage over not having knowledge. In my mind ignorance is not bliss it is just ignorance. We as a society cannot ignore alcohol, gambling and drugs so why not educate.

Sometimes my thinking is very simplistic and I know there are other factors involved in any societal issues. I was discussing this with one of my daughter's teachers this week and in her 20 year teaching career in grammar schools she has only seen education and awareness on drugs and she questioned why not alcohol and gambling. Is the United States of America becoming the United States Corporate Authority? I am all for business big and small; and people making money but when it comes at the expense of others there needs to be an adjustment made and this adjustment should come from the people demanding answers to the problems. Sorry for the diatribe!!

Friday, November 11, 2005

Veterans Day

Thank you to all those who have served and continue to serve this country which makes it the greatest country in the world. Without these wonderful men and women defending our freedoms our country wouldn't be the greatest one on the planet, thank you so very much.

Today being Veterans Day in these United States my children were off from school and my daughter was marching in the local annual Veterans Day Parade with her Brownie (think little Girl Scouts) Troop. It was a glorious morning as my wife, son and dear friends of ours watched the parade. When I saw my daughter marching down the street helping carry their banner my heart warmed from inside and when our eyes met she let out a very large smile. She is a fantastic little girl. My son even behaved himself at the parade and was fascinated by the marching bands, police cars and fire trucks. It was a great way to spend Veterans Day.

One of my dearest friends was celebrating his birthday today (Happy Birthday Mike!!) and asked me to join him and a few other friends in a round of golf. Yes, our money is very tight but this person has done so much for me and my family I had to share in his birthday with him at the golf course; it was worth every penny. I wouldn't be where I am today without this man and his wife and I am so happy I was able to spend his birthday with him. He is a great man with a remarkable wife; thank you for everything and I hope you had a great day; I know I did.

Little moments in my life have huge meaning to me and today was filled with spectacular moments. I am continued to be blessed with these special moments and special people; life is fantastic.

Yesterday was "crazy hair day" at my daughter's school. This means the students can wear their hair any way they choose. A very dear friend of my wife and me volunteered to do my daughter's hair before school and she did a great job! My daughter had pinkish purple hair with two pony tails and a ribbon; a true punk rocker!! She looked fabulous. Not to be out done my son wanted his hair made crazy even though his school was not celebrating "crazy hair day". He didn't care if he was the only one (which he was!!) at his school with "crazy hair" and he looked equally fabulous. His hair was spiked with a purple color; just like Shark Boy from the movie Shark Boy and Lava Girl. My son was in his glory as he walked into his pre-school with his crazy hair; he didn't mind standing out from the rest of the students. When my son and daughter came home from school I asked each of them if they wanted to keep their "crazy hair" and my daughter said no but my son replied YES. My wife and I may want to keep an eye on him later on in life!!

As you can see life truly moves forward no matter the circumstances. Life could be crashing down upon me but I choose to live in today and love each and every moment. This is the only life I have and my family is the only family I have and I want to experience and cherish each moment with them. Yes, sometimes adversity does bring out the worst in people but on the flip side if this adversity is handled correctly it can bring out the best. I am focusing on the positive not the negative because there is so much love and joy in my life through my family and friends it is incredible. Through this love and joy I am finding me true inner self. I did bad things and will be punished for it but it doesn't mean I am a bad person on the contrary I am learning each and every day to be a good person and cherish life.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Delusional Thinking

"When Price was arrested, he was supposed to have told the detectives that he was confident of recovering that amount if he could gamble for one more week on horses." This is a quote from a recent news article regarding a bank embezzlement in Nova Scotia, Canada. The amount this man was convicted of stealing was $10,000,000 and he thought he could win that money back in one week so goes the mind of a compulsive gambler. Yes, he is a compulsive gambler and stole the money to feed his gambling habit on the horses and on-line casinos.

The normal person certainly does not understand this type of thinking but I do because I am not normal when it comes to gambling. The thought of the elusive one big win so we can stop the madness is on the mind of every compulsive gambler. Unfortunately there is NOT a win big enough for a compulsive gambler to stop gambling. The worst thing that happened to me when I was gambling was to win because it prolonged the agony. It is a never ending cycle which for some people (me included) ends in dire consequences.

This man from Canada was sentenced to 12 years in prison and will most likely serve 5 or 6 years based on his behavior in prison. He was very brazen in his crime because he left and I.O.U. note in the bank vault after he took the money. He honestly thought he could win the money and put the money back so no one would get hurt. It didn't work out this way and usually never works out this way. He stole $7 million from the bank and $3.3 million from various investors. I think the money is all gone and this story is very similar to the Owning Mahowny film based on the crimes of another Canandian Brian Mahowny. His amount was very similar and so was the sentence.

Is there a genetic predisposition for some people when they are presented with the right circumstances that makes them more susceptible to compulsive gambling. Maybe and based on my own experience I have always been fascinated with gambling even when I was a child. I worked at a racetrack when I was in college as a teller. I came in contact with all types of people while I worked at the racetrack and later on when I started to work for the casinos. But I never ever looked deep into myself and thought there was no difference between me and many of the customers at the racetrack and casinos. My arrogance was astonishing because I could not be like "those" people I thought I was smarter.

Well I am here to tell anyone intelligence has nothing to do with being better than anyone else. We are all created equal; no matter our race, creed, color, societal status we are all HUMAN BEINGS. Human beings are flawed individuals because I can speak with great confidence on this subject because I am flawed. I am no smarter than the next person and each day my humility grows. Humility is not a flaw it is a virtue; arrogance is a flaw and I am trying to remove this characteristic from my being. Yes, I seem to learn the hard way about most things but the key is to LEARN and not forget. I can't go back to my old ways because there won't be any recovery left.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Parent Teacher Conference

Yesterday I had the fortune of accompany my wife to my daughter's first parent teacher conference for the second grade. All of the words spoken by my daughter's teacher about my daughter were outstanding. Here are examples of some of the words; "I never have any problems with your daughter," "she is a role model for the other children," and "her reading skills are approaching year end grade levels". They were words every parent wants to hear about their child. This little blessing is turning out to be a great person and I am so proud of her.

As I sat in the conference and listened to all of these positive statements about my daughter I felt so warm inside to know my daughter is moving in the right direction. I was not surprised by any of the words but it was so nice to have confirmation from someone outside the family at how good a person my daughter has turned out to be.

With all of these positive words I do have a concern. I know I will be going away in the near future for an unspecified period of time due to my transgressions. I need to ensure my daughter and son continues their exemplary behavior. I know it will have an effect on them by me not being around for whatever period of time the Judge decides but I want them to know I love them and will always love them.

What Daddy did was caused by a sickness and Daddy is taking his medicine to get better. Part of this medicine will require Daddy to go away so he can get better. I will tell my daughter when the time comes what I did and I will not hold anything back from her. She needs to know the truth and what I am doing to ensure this never happens again. People do make mistakes but sometimes when you make big mistakes there is a punishment and this punishment is there to deter others from doing the same things. I know my son will not fully understand but when he is old enough I will explain it to him as well.

What I have done has hurt my family tremendously but I am learning to be a better person, a better husband and father. I will continue on my road to recovery one day at a time. The future is still uncertain but I like the progress I have had made in the past 8 1/2 months which makes each day worth living.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

The Voice of a Child

There were two separate episodes over the last few days where my children have absolutely blown me a way with their incredible innocence. The first episode happened on Sunday evening when my son and I were wrestling around and his head collided with my nose. Those of you who know what I look like would know my nose does get in the way and it did just that in this particular incident. I was standing above my son as he was moving from the floor to get up and his head nailed my nose full on. It hurt so much when his head hit my nose that I felt my eyes move back into my head. I instantly grabbed for my nose and noticed the blood which came trickling out. I did not yell nor scream at my son because it was an honest accident and these things happen. I made my way over to sink and grabbed a paper towel so not to get blood all over the house.

After a few minutes the blood subsided and my son ask me; "Daddy, can you die if you EAT blood?" I told him no you cannot die if you eat blood but if too much blood comes out of your body you can die. He went on to say; "Daddy that happened to you, you died awhile ago." This is a very interesting comment because 8 months and 11 days ago a part of me did die but he was in no way referring to this, I am not sure what he was referring to because afterall he is four years old and sometimes his thoughts can get a little confusing. I told him if I did die he wouldn't be able to see me again because I would be gone. My daughter added, "Daddy would be in Heaven". My son, daughter and I got into a conversation about God, angels and Jesus Christ. Please keep in mind my son is 4 years old and my daughter is 7 years old.

My son asked me who was that "guy" at church on the "sword"? The "sword" he was referring to is the cross and the "guy" he was referring to was Jesus Christ which I explained to my son and then my son asked me "IS THIS HEAVEN?" He wanted to know if we were in heaven right now and I thought this to be a remarkable question. I told him this was an outstanding question and one I would leave up to him to answer for himself when he got older. However, I did answer him from my perspective. I told him YES I THINK THIS IS HEAVEN because we are all together as a family and I love them so very much.

To me yes, I do believe in a Higher Power and I do believe in Heaven. My heaven is right here and right now because it doesn't get any better than my family. For years I tried to ignore what I had and looked for something better but there is NOTHING better than what has been blessed upon me by God. My family is awesome and each day is better than the last. Sometimes it does take a "significant wake-up call" to figure out what I had been looking for was right in front of me. I don't take those things for granted anymore; the love I have in my life is astonishing and my family is wonderful.

The second episode happened last night with my daughter. She came up to me and ask me; "If SHIT is a bad word?" She had heard the word at school and she is in the second grade. She told me who the person was who said this in her class and she also wanted to know what SHIT meant. I told her that yes, it is a bad word and it is called profanity. I briefly explained what profanity was and told her we try to use other words not profane words because these words are disrespectful and bad. I also explained to her that SHIT is another word for poop. I told her we prefer to say poop because it is more respectful.

I didn't fly off the handle when she asked me these questions and I was so impressed she came to me with these questions. Her main concern was with the definition of the word she really wanted to know what it meant. I think I did a good job explaining the word and explaining profane words and to not to use those words. Hopefully, she will continue to come home and keep asking these questions of my wife and me.

Yes, she is only in the second grade and children do grow up so fast. I cannot control what others say around my daughter I can only give her the tools to hopefully make the right choices later on in life. As long as we continue the open communication and she is not afraid to ask us these questions I know my daughter will do great because she is such a sweet child and my love for her is endless.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Exceptional Days

What a great weekend it was; it started like like mostly all of my weekends have in the past 8 months with my Saturday morning Gamblers Anonymous meeting which I have the honor of being a Co-Secretary. This week was my turn to administer the meeting and I chose a somewhat new member to help chair the meeting. It is so nice to get people involved in the Program because I know it has helped me tremendously over these past 8 months. My term of being a Co-Secretary is coming to end at the end of December because we rotate the position every 6 months. I have been very blessed by Gamblers Anonymous and although I won't be a Co-Secretary in January I will still attend the meeting because the Program has been a Godsend for me.

I have to say this again and I will continue to say this over and over again; my fellow members in GA are fantastic people and I am so grateful to have them as part of my life. Each member has given me such strength and hope. I know there is life after gambling and it is a beautiful life with a strong sense of purpose.

Saturday evening we had friends over for dinner. These friends do represent my new life and I truly consider them good friends. I would also like to add they are friends with my wife as well. I met them through the GA Program and we share a great many common interests. Of course the one main interest was gambling and although our gambling "types" were different we still could not control it which led us to seek help. My friend has been in the program one year longer than I and I am so thankful to have met this person.

I made lasagna topped with my father's homemade spaghetti sauce. Of course me being the "picky" eater that I am I had to make two trays of lasagna; one for me and one for everyone else! My lasagna had only mozzarella cheese in it while the other tray had ricotta and mozzarella cheese in it. As most of you know I am a vegetarian and eat very little in the way of dairy products. The only dairy products I consume are mozzarella cheese and yogurt so I couldn't add the ricotta cheese to my lasagna. The dinner went very well, the lasagnas and sauce came out great. Everyone enjoyed themselves and the evening went very quickly. It was a lovely way to spend a Saturday evening.

On Sunday other friends of ours were kind enough to invite our family to Knottsberry Farm which is an amusement park about an hour away from our home. The park had a promotion for Armed Forces Veterans and our friends were gracious enough to ask if we wanted to join them. We said yes and the 8 of us had a great time. They have children the same ages as ours and everyone usually gets along very well. Sunday was no exception; the girls and especially even the boys got along great.

This particular amusement park has lots of roller coasters and most of them my son did not meet the minimum height requirement but he was okay with it. My daughter who is seven LOVES roller coasters and she was in Heaven on Sunday. We went on a category 5 (which is the highest "thrill" level) roller coaster together. She had a blast and wanted to go on it again. This roller coaster was of the design of the "older" wooden type roller coasters which did not go up side down but it had serious drops and serious turns at high speeds. I would rate this roller coaster as "violent" but this did not deter my daughter from loving the ride. Yes, she was screaming the whole time but this scream was done with a smile from ear to ear. What an amazing child she is.

I was also able to go on an "adult" roller coaster with my friend which went upside down several times and it also had many many twists and turns while dangling from the seat on the roller coaster. The ride was very quick but I thought it was great because I never experienced gravity forces (G-forces) before. I thought it to be quite "cool" to have my face and legs compressed as we were twisting, looping and turning through the ride. I think my daughter will love this ride when she gets tall enough to ride it.

We had packed a picnic lunch so we were not subjected to the $80 lunch tab!! There wasn't any episodes or incidents with anyone and it was a fabulous day. This was great way to spend a Sunday with the family as my son said; "it was a GREAT family day".

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Collateral Damage

In war casualties are often referred to as "collateral damage". Here is a story about how casino gambling has "helped" an Iowa town but see if you can find the "collateral damage" left behind by this "success" story. The story is from an Allentown, Pennsylvania newspaper discussing the newly created slot machine bill which will be implemented in 14 Pennsylvania towns in the next two years.

One city's jackpot is neighbor's bust

Decade of casinos shows host town in Iowa reaps benefits but region shares in gambling's woes.

A river town settled by religious immigrants found itself at a crossroads. Its industry once a cornerstone to the nation's economy had collapsed, leaving thousands of fathers without the jobs they thought they could pass on to their sons.

Then deep-pocketed casino operators arrived, promising to make things better. They could deliver thousands of jobs and hundreds of millions in investment dollars if city leaders would just allow them to bring gambling to town.

This is not Bethlehem.

It's Council Bluffs, Iowa, where, with most of the railroad jobs gone and the tax base flat, city leaders agonized through the same gambling debate in the mid-1990s that Bethlehem is going through today.

As gambling celebrates its 10-year anniversary in Council Bluffs, the Missouri River town settled by Mormons in the mid-1800s may hold answers for Pennsylvania communities debating the arrival of casinos.

No, gambling did not bring organized crime, prostitutes or riff-raff to Council Bluffs' streets.

Yes, the almost nine million people that 4,000 slot machines lure to town each year have brought almost runaway economic development, booming housing growth and thousands of new construction, service and retail jobs.

Whether gambling in Council Bluffs is considered a success depends on who is doing the judging.

What has become a $430 million-a-year industry for this city of 60,000 also has unmasked hundreds (maybe a bit of an understatement) of addicted gamblers in the community, increased petty crime, helped run some family restaurants out of business, increased bankruptcies statewide and irritated its neighbors across the river in Omaha, Neb.

In Council Bluffs, where residents enjoy the benefits of their new senior center, a library four times the size of their previous one and more than $1 billion worth of development since the casinos opened, the answer from most people to whether gambling has been a success is a resounding yes.

Just across the river — nearly as close as Allentown is to Bethlehem — where Omaha's blossoming skyline has for years cast a shadow of superiority over Council Bluffs, some residents are angry: angry that more than 70 percent of the people who drop money in Council Bluffs slot machines are from Nebraska, while most of the benefits of gambling remain on the Iowa side of the Missouri. Angry that Omaha residents who could be spending their disposable income in Omaha restaurants and businesses are losing it in Council Bluffs.

And they are angry that despite rejecting gambling in their city, they are forced to share a border with a ''casino town.''

''We're not a casino town,'' shoots back Council Bluffs Mayor Tom Hanafan to anyone who criticizes his decision to embrace gambling. ''We're survivors.''

It's that same philosophical face-off that has been raging in Bethlehem for months. During public meetings attended by as many as 700 people, church group members, some of whose descendants settled Bethlehem, quoted the Bible and begged City Council to ban gambling in the city.

Competing for one of 14 gambling licenses to be issued statewide as early as next year would be foolish and immoral, they said. The slots parlor would suck the life from local businesses and bring crime. Their beloved Christmas City would never be the same. It would become a casino town, they warned. On the other side of the aisle were out-of-work steel workers who pleaded for city leaders to use gambling as a tool. Use it to preserve the vacant remnants of Bethlehem Steel's south Bethlehem plant. Use the draw of gambling to replace the jobs lost when the steel giant closed. Gambling, they argued, would help them survive.

''Right now, I think we're making a mistake because this has the potential to change our city for the worse,'' said Bethlehem Councilman Gordon Mowrer, a Moravian minister and former city mayor whose proposal to ban gambling through a zoning change failed by a council vote of 4-3.

''Some day, I hope I can look back on this and say I was wrong.

''Today, Council Bluffs residents have a decade of casino life to look back on. Perhaps the best assessment of that time was cast in the voting booth. In 2002, when Iowa residents were asked whether they wanted gambling to stay in their state as they will be asked every eight years under Iowa law 79 percent voted yes.

Meanwhile, last year in neighboring Nebraska, 65 percent of the voters rejected a plan to build two casinos in Omaha to prevent gambling money from flowing into Council Bluffs. The failed campaign to bring gambling to Nebraska was led by Las Vegas Sands, the same casino operator proposing a $300 million casino and hotel complex for south Bethlehem.

Nebraska gambling opponents and Council Bluffs residents both celebrated the vote.

Railroad town

The tangle of tracks snaking through the center of Council Bluffs lay as a monument to a proud past, when 15 railroad companies employed thousands of residents and dominated the city's blue-collar economy for a century.