I was going to wait and post the blog this evening after attending my son's Holiday play. He is playing Santa Claus and gets to sing three Christmas (is it okay to say that word??) caroles. I am also helping with the narration of the play. It should be a great time and I will recap it all tomorrow.
This morning as I was getting into the shower my wife had on the Today Show on NBC. They were teasing a story about a student from Lehigh University who had robbed a local bank. All the while as they were leading up to this story I had in the back of my mind that this person committed this crime due to their compulsive gambling addiction to Poker. Unfortunately I was correct and this fine young nineteen year old college student who is the Class President had committed this crime to pay off his gambling debts. Last Friday he went into a local bank and handed the teller a note saying he had a gun and to turn over all her money. The teller complied and later that evening this young man was arrested at his fraternity house.
On all accounts this young man had everything going for him except for his dirty little secret; he loved Poker and wanted to stay in action. "The compulsive gambler will do anything often of an ANTI-SOCIAL behavior to continue to gamble". Yes, robbing a bank would be considered an anti-social behavior.
I will post links to this story and one compelling report comes from Lehigh University's school newspaper. Apparently Poker is rampant at this University and I would suspect that this isn't isolated to this particular university. The University's leading psychologist's has not seen many students come in for treatment of a potential gambling problem. I don't know about you but if there is one person like this student who committed this crime there are many others.
I have some theories as to why students or rather people don't seek help for their gambling problem. If they are anything like me they live in denial. I didn't have a gambling problem when I was 18 years old and lost 13 grand to a bookie; I certainly didn't have a gambling problem when I was $100,000 in debt at the age of 28 and had to declare personal bankruptcy and I certainly didn't have a gambling problem when I decided to embezzle from my employer.
The facts are I did have a gambling problem and will always have a gambling problem and now I am finally doing something about this. People don't seek treatment for their gambling problem until they hit rock bottom. For me rock bottom was losing my job, career, family and facing prison. It doesn't have to be this way but for young adults who think they are invincible it is doubly tough for them to seek treatment. This is why I think this student who robbed the bank was crying out for help. He seems like a very intelligent kid who had the world going for him so why would he in broad daylight rob a bank? The answer is simple he needed money to continue to gamble and this is how he thought he would get his money. Also; deep down he knew he would get caught and hopefully he gets some type of counseling to help with his lifelong addiction.
Yes, people are gambling younger and younger these days and I certainly have my hands full with my own recovery. However; it pains me to see these problems do to gambling. Yes, people will continue to commit crimes to feed their gambling habits and there is not one thing I can do to stop them. I can only control myself and today I have not gambled and it has been nine months and sixteen days since my last bet. Life does get better when the madness stops but it breaks my heart to see good people do bad things. This young gentleman in Pennsylvania has a very long road ahead of him and I pray to God he gets help with his gambling addiction. The disease of gambling knows no friends and can strike anyone this is why the press has run with this story. He is a good kid from a good family who made a HORRIBLE decision. How many more of these stories are out there? Maybe they are not class presidents or sons of ministers but they have the same addiction. Hopefully, this young man will make something positive out of his horrendous situation. As long as he abstains from gambling life will get better.
Here is a link to more on this story. yes, it is from MTV's website and I did find the article well written. Maybe others will learn from this young man. Life doesn't have to be about winning the next big pot in a Poker game and some people will realize this and some will not.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Integrity
I knew yesterday's post regarding Mr. Pete Rose would upset his number one fan (my mother!) but I had to say those things about Mr. Rose. He really isn't a very nice person like some people may say about me. He (like me) did some very stupid things because he is a compulsive gambler. If he only came out and said I did bet on baseball and I am a compulsive gambler things would have been different. Would he had gotten into the baseball hall of fame? Probably not because baseball has to protect the integrity of the game and gambling unlike any other vice undermines the integrity of the game. Baseball can have players on steroids, amphetamines, and any other illicit drug and this is okay but when it comes to gambling on baseball by baseball players or managers this must be dealt with. Without integrity where does the game stand?
My integrity has been lacking for so long because of my gambling addiction. I did things no sane person would do and my integrity has been shot. I have a long way to go to get to any a minimum level of integrity. This is a slow process and a daily process. I may never get to where I should be but I am trying each and every day to live with an honest purpose. I know I may never have the jobs I have had in the past and this is my reality. No one should feel sorry for me because I DID this to myself. The important thing to me is my recovery from my compulsive gambling addiction. Without this recovery there is nothing; no family, no career, no friends and no God. I don't want to go back to where I was nine and half months ago so it is imperative to me to continue to work my recovery one day at a time.
There are certain things in my life I can control and there are certain things in my life I cannot control. I can control whether or not I gamble. Today I did NOT gamble and it makes nine and half months without placing a wager. I cannot control how others feel about me. These are individualsÂ’ feelings and I cannot change their mind. I cannot control what the courts decide to do with me. This does not mean I give up and stop working my recovery. Quite the contrary; in order for me to live a normal productive life I must continue my compulsive gambling recovery. When I do get incarcerated it doesn't mean I stop working my recovery. Where I go may or may not have Gamblers Anonymous so it is imperative I have a strong foundation to build upon.
I have tremendous support from my family and friends. Yes, there are those that do not understand how I could do the things I have done and this is their right to feel this way. It is very difficult to understand how someone who seemingly had it all figured out could royally screw up their life do to a compulsive gambling addiction. Everything I have done in the past was wrong and today I am trying to do everything right.
One of thereasonss I decided to do the Al Roker Investigates interview was to help someone with a gambling problem but the ultimate reason was to help myself. I needed to tell my story and have it chronicled so I would NEVER forget. I could have easily ran and hid for the past nine months but that would have not done me any good. I have experienced such growth and without this recovery process I would have been stuck in the past. It took me a long time fighting my gambling addiction to get to where I was and it will take me a lifetime to battle this addiction. I do know this addiction will be with me the rest of my life and I cannot get complacent for one second or that slippery slope will start all over again.
That slippery slope would lead to my ultimate demise and I have so much more to give to myself and my family. I understand there is more to life than lying and deceiving. It is so much easier to tell the truth because as it states in the Bible; "the truth shall sets you free". The truth about me being a compulsive gambler has set me free but I must continue working the steps and applying the steps in the Gamblers Anonymous Program one day at a time. As long as I continue applying these steps in my daily life everything will continue to get better. It has gotten progressively better since I stopped the lying, cheating and deceiving. I know as long as I continue working the Program life will be what it should be which is a life with meaning and purpose.
My integrity has been lacking for so long because of my gambling addiction. I did things no sane person would do and my integrity has been shot. I have a long way to go to get to any a minimum level of integrity. This is a slow process and a daily process. I may never get to where I should be but I am trying each and every day to live with an honest purpose. I know I may never have the jobs I have had in the past and this is my reality. No one should feel sorry for me because I DID this to myself. The important thing to me is my recovery from my compulsive gambling addiction. Without this recovery there is nothing; no family, no career, no friends and no God. I don't want to go back to where I was nine and half months ago so it is imperative to me to continue to work my recovery one day at a time.
There are certain things in my life I can control and there are certain things in my life I cannot control. I can control whether or not I gamble. Today I did NOT gamble and it makes nine and half months without placing a wager. I cannot control how others feel about me. These are individualsÂ’ feelings and I cannot change their mind. I cannot control what the courts decide to do with me. This does not mean I give up and stop working my recovery. Quite the contrary; in order for me to live a normal productive life I must continue my compulsive gambling recovery. When I do get incarcerated it doesn't mean I stop working my recovery. Where I go may or may not have Gamblers Anonymous so it is imperative I have a strong foundation to build upon.
I have tremendous support from my family and friends. Yes, there are those that do not understand how I could do the things I have done and this is their right to feel this way. It is very difficult to understand how someone who seemingly had it all figured out could royally screw up their life do to a compulsive gambling addiction. Everything I have done in the past was wrong and today I am trying to do everything right.
One of thereasonss I decided to do the Al Roker Investigates interview was to help someone with a gambling problem but the ultimate reason was to help myself. I needed to tell my story and have it chronicled so I would NEVER forget. I could have easily ran and hid for the past nine months but that would have not done me any good. I have experienced such growth and without this recovery process I would have been stuck in the past. It took me a long time fighting my gambling addiction to get to where I was and it will take me a lifetime to battle this addiction. I do know this addiction will be with me the rest of my life and I cannot get complacent for one second or that slippery slope will start all over again.
That slippery slope would lead to my ultimate demise and I have so much more to give to myself and my family. I understand there is more to life than lying and deceiving. It is so much easier to tell the truth because as it states in the Bible; "the truth shall sets you free". The truth about me being a compulsive gambler has set me free but I must continue working the steps and applying the steps in the Gamblers Anonymous Program one day at a time. As long as I continue applying these steps in my daily life everything will continue to get better. It has gotten progressively better since I stopped the lying, cheating and deceiving. I know as long as I continue working the Program life will be what it should be which is a life with meaning and purpose.
Monday, December 12, 2005
Problem Gambling
I read an article in the New York Newsday newspaper regarding the Al Roker Investigates; Kids, Cards and Dice program and it was not too complimentary. In fact I believe the review showed some disdain for Al Roker and the program content. The reviewer was looking for more data on kids gambling and how poker has affected them in a statistical form. After spending two days in Las Vegas last week at the National Center for Responsible Gaming Conference on Addiction and Gambling I can tell you there is NO data available. All of the current studies come from Canada because the government controls all of the casinos. There is very limited funds available for this type of research in the United States; in fact very few researchers are able to receive government grants for gambling research.
In most states the Problem Gambling Office resides underneath the Drug and Alcohol Department and this is the case in my home state of California. Most of the grants are given to the study and treatment of drugs and alcohol. The state of California has commissioned a company to do a survey on Problem Gambling and is spending $1.6 million on this survey. I had a conversation today with a well respected newsreporter on this particular study. The newsreporter told me he is very weary of this survey because in his opinion the survey is being done on a random basis. He told me to think of it as a telemarketer calling your home and asking you about your gambling habits.
If the statistics are correct and 1% of the total adult population are considered pathological gamblers then this study will come up empty handed and they may even think there is NO problem with gambling. The casinos have very strong databases and they know their customers very well. The top 10% of the customers drive 90% of the revenues and of those top 10% I would guess 70% would be considered problem gamblers. This does not mean they are pathological gamblers but they very well may be on their way to bigger and bigger problems. I am not inferring that the casinos do a survey for problem gamblers because this would NEVER happen. There has to be a better way to conduct a survey on problem gambling other than calling people randomly. Besides being bothered by a telemarketer at home how many people will lie about their gambling activities. I know I would have nine and half months ago.
I am not sure what needs to happen to raise the awareness level on problem/pathological gambling but something needs to be done. Everyday there is a news article on someone (like me) stealing, embezzling, or committing other crimes to feed their gambling addiction. I guess it is like any other addiction if you are not directly affected by it why should you care. Maybe the legislators have not been directly affected by compulsive gambling like alcohol and drug addictions. I do know that in Nevada this year they past a law that taxes the slot machines in every casino so there are funds for the awareness and treatment of problem gambling. The only reason why this was past; an assembly person in the Nevada State Senate had a family member who is a compulsive gambler.
What if Pete Rose came out 16 years ago and admitted he was a compulsive gambler and sought treatment? Instead of living in denial all these years. Would he had gotten into the Hall of Fame? Would more people look at the gambling addiction? Who knows; but Mr. Rose continues to live in denial. Oh by the way he did admit to betting on baseball last year to sell a few more books and hopefully have a better chance at getting back into baseball but I didn't see the sincerity in his face.
Gambling is everywhere and in every state. Most people do not have a problem with gambling and can walk away. However; as gambling continues to expand this country will see more and more compulsive gamblers. I know I cannot control any of this I can only control myself. I would like to do something in this field but I have to work on myself first and foremost. I must continue to work my recovery each and every day. I must live honestly and openly and I must improve my character defects. I cannot change the world I can only change myself. It pains me to see other people go through the problems I have gone through and no one should have to live with this addiction. There is a better way to gambling and that way for me is to NOT gamble today and live a life with a purpose. I am on the right track and will continue moving forward one day at a time.
In most states the Problem Gambling Office resides underneath the Drug and Alcohol Department and this is the case in my home state of California. Most of the grants are given to the study and treatment of drugs and alcohol. The state of California has commissioned a company to do a survey on Problem Gambling and is spending $1.6 million on this survey. I had a conversation today with a well respected newsreporter on this particular study. The newsreporter told me he is very weary of this survey because in his opinion the survey is being done on a random basis. He told me to think of it as a telemarketer calling your home and asking you about your gambling habits.
If the statistics are correct and 1% of the total adult population are considered pathological gamblers then this study will come up empty handed and they may even think there is NO problem with gambling. The casinos have very strong databases and they know their customers very well. The top 10% of the customers drive 90% of the revenues and of those top 10% I would guess 70% would be considered problem gamblers. This does not mean they are pathological gamblers but they very well may be on their way to bigger and bigger problems. I am not inferring that the casinos do a survey for problem gamblers because this would NEVER happen. There has to be a better way to conduct a survey on problem gambling other than calling people randomly. Besides being bothered by a telemarketer at home how many people will lie about their gambling activities. I know I would have nine and half months ago.
I am not sure what needs to happen to raise the awareness level on problem/pathological gambling but something needs to be done. Everyday there is a news article on someone (like me) stealing, embezzling, or committing other crimes to feed their gambling addiction. I guess it is like any other addiction if you are not directly affected by it why should you care. Maybe the legislators have not been directly affected by compulsive gambling like alcohol and drug addictions. I do know that in Nevada this year they past a law that taxes the slot machines in every casino so there are funds for the awareness and treatment of problem gambling. The only reason why this was past; an assembly person in the Nevada State Senate had a family member who is a compulsive gambler.
What if Pete Rose came out 16 years ago and admitted he was a compulsive gambler and sought treatment? Instead of living in denial all these years. Would he had gotten into the Hall of Fame? Would more people look at the gambling addiction? Who knows; but Mr. Rose continues to live in denial. Oh by the way he did admit to betting on baseball last year to sell a few more books and hopefully have a better chance at getting back into baseball but I didn't see the sincerity in his face.
Gambling is everywhere and in every state. Most people do not have a problem with gambling and can walk away. However; as gambling continues to expand this country will see more and more compulsive gamblers. I know I cannot control any of this I can only control myself. I would like to do something in this field but I have to work on myself first and foremost. I must continue to work my recovery each and every day. I must live honestly and openly and I must improve my character defects. I cannot change the world I can only change myself. It pains me to see other people go through the problems I have gone through and no one should have to live with this addiction. There is a better way to gambling and that way for me is to NOT gamble today and live a life with a purpose. I am on the right track and will continue moving forward one day at a time.
Sunday, December 11, 2005
The Program
Anyone who has read this blog with some regularity knows I am a very big proponent of the Gamblers Anonymous Program. Today was a day where the Program was at its best. My family and I were able to attend a function for a fellow member and their wife with other fellow members in attendance. It was a lovely afternoon followed by a wonderful Gamblers Anonymous meeting. The Program works and I am so thankful to have it and the fellow members who come with the Program in my life.
The function was great and the people were even better. I think what makes the Program work is the people. They are warm, generous, sympathetic, always willing to listening, wise, compassionate and much much more. I could go on and on but the people in the Gamblers Anonymous Program make it something very special. Today was filled with love and devotion. I know without this fellowship I would be in a world of pain. I am not in a world of pain I am in a world of love. Life does have a way of working out and as long as I continue working the Program everything will continue to get better.
Tonight at the Gamblers Anonymous meeting I was told something by another member that really made me feel good. I will not share the exact thoughts because it was between a fellow member and myself. I will not betray their confidence but I will say for all the bad my situation has brought I can see some good coming out of it. Not only am I becoming a better person as each day goes by I can see other positive things happening. Yes, I have caused pain and suffering to my family and myself do to my inability to acknowledge I have a gambling problem. However; this pain and suffering is turning into pleasure and endurance. I will endure this ordeal and will continue to embrace life one day at a time because life without gambling is a magnificent life.
Lastly, my son who is four years old asked me what does the word "blame" mean. I am not sure where he had heard this or why he even asked me but I tried to answer his question to the best of my ability. I told him blame is to NOT take responsibility for your own actions rather you point the finger at someone else. He had a bit of a blank stare on his face and his seven year old sister told me she "didn't get it". I tried to simplify the answer with an example, which went like this; think of blame as if you were to break something and when Mom or Dad asks you what happened you tell us your brother broke it. When the truth is you broke it. Then my daughter asked me isn't this lying? Yes, it is a form of a lie and it is always better to tell the truth than to lie and blame someone else. I am not sure if she or her brother fully understand what I was saying.
My point here (if there is one!) is I have no one to blame except myself for what I have done to my family. I will not lie and say someone else made me do it. The responsibility of my actions is on me and me alone. I did what I did because I have and will always have a gambling problem. Now I am getting treatment and finding my true self. I cannot continue to blame anyone including myself because it will only set me back. I will continue to move forward correcting the wrongs and living a life with an honest purpose. This life is so much better than it was nine and half months ago because the blaming, lying, cheating and deceit are gone. I know I have a long way to go to become the person I can be but I do like the progress so far. I thank the Program for this progress. Without the Program I wouldn't know how to progress and would be stuck where I was nine and half months ago.
I would like to wish my brother-in-law Dennis a very happy birthday. I hope you had a great day and many many more.
The function was great and the people were even better. I think what makes the Program work is the people. They are warm, generous, sympathetic, always willing to listening, wise, compassionate and much much more. I could go on and on but the people in the Gamblers Anonymous Program make it something very special. Today was filled with love and devotion. I know without this fellowship I would be in a world of pain. I am not in a world of pain I am in a world of love. Life does have a way of working out and as long as I continue working the Program everything will continue to get better.
Tonight at the Gamblers Anonymous meeting I was told something by another member that really made me feel good. I will not share the exact thoughts because it was between a fellow member and myself. I will not betray their confidence but I will say for all the bad my situation has brought I can see some good coming out of it. Not only am I becoming a better person as each day goes by I can see other positive things happening. Yes, I have caused pain and suffering to my family and myself do to my inability to acknowledge I have a gambling problem. However; this pain and suffering is turning into pleasure and endurance. I will endure this ordeal and will continue to embrace life one day at a time because life without gambling is a magnificent life.
Lastly, my son who is four years old asked me what does the word "blame" mean. I am not sure where he had heard this or why he even asked me but I tried to answer his question to the best of my ability. I told him blame is to NOT take responsibility for your own actions rather you point the finger at someone else. He had a bit of a blank stare on his face and his seven year old sister told me she "didn't get it". I tried to simplify the answer with an example, which went like this; think of blame as if you were to break something and when Mom or Dad asks you what happened you tell us your brother broke it. When the truth is you broke it. Then my daughter asked me isn't this lying? Yes, it is a form of a lie and it is always better to tell the truth than to lie and blame someone else. I am not sure if she or her brother fully understand what I was saying.
My point here (if there is one!) is I have no one to blame except myself for what I have done to my family. I will not lie and say someone else made me do it. The responsibility of my actions is on me and me alone. I did what I did because I have and will always have a gambling problem. Now I am getting treatment and finding my true self. I cannot continue to blame anyone including myself because it will only set me back. I will continue to move forward correcting the wrongs and living a life with an honest purpose. This life is so much better than it was nine and half months ago because the blaming, lying, cheating and deceit are gone. I know I have a long way to go to become the person I can be but I do like the progress so far. I thank the Program for this progress. Without the Program I wouldn't know how to progress and would be stuck where I was nine and half months ago.
I would like to wish my brother-in-law Dennis a very happy birthday. I hope you had a great day and many many more.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Back to Normal
My normal has changed over the course of the last nine months and this normal is much better than what it used to be. My normal Saturday now consists of getting up going to Krispy Kreme; getting donuts for the Saturday morning Gamblers Anonymous meeting and attending the meeting. This is a far cry from what normal was nine months ago. Normal was getting up by 6:30; checking my cell phone for the daily selections and then placing my many many bets on the internet for the day. After I placed the bets I would go and work out. I believe my work out routine has kept me from completely going insane. It is the one staple in my life that kept me from losing my mind prior to nine months ago and keeps me from losing my mind now.
Of course now I have so many other things in my life that keep me on the straight and narrow path like the Saturday morning Gamblers Anonymous meeting as well as the other two GA meetings I attend on Sunday and Tuesday. Yes, this normal is so much better than what it previously was like. I know things will continue to change in terms of what is normal but if I maintain what I am doing currently and keep doing it one day at a time life will continue to improve.
Today's meeting was a birthday celebration and it looks like our little GA group is going to have a few more birthdays in the coming months which is fantastic. The meeting today celebrated a member's one year of abstinence from gambling and yes, we do make a big deal of it. I know it is just another day and I am just one bet away from that slippery slope; however; as members approach certain milestones we do celebrate because it is very important. Today was no exception, there was a very good turnout for the meeting and it is so nice to see some fellow members who travel a good distance and don't normally come to the Saturday morning meeting. Everyone adds something different to a meeting but there are certain people I really enjoy listening to maybe it is because I don't see these people often. Whatever the reason their wisdom always resonates with me.
I received many positive compliments (can a compliment be negative?? maybe so) about the Al Roker Investigates program and I thank everyone for their feedback. I also received some questions regarding the show and one in particular I would like to address. Someone asked me why did they show my family especially my children. Maybe they thought this was an exploitive measure by the producers but I thought it showed how a compulsive gambler not only affects their own life but the lives of others. My wife and children are real people and what I have done to them is horrible. I certainly regret my actions but I cannot change those events of the past I can only be a better person for myself and them today. I thank God each and every day for keeping my family together and I thank God each and every day for blessing me with such a special wife. She is an amazing person and I know we will continue to grow as a couple and as a family through this entire ordeal.
Getting back to the Court TV program; by showing my family it gave a face to what my wife and what I was talking about. Hopefully, one person out there that is on the brink of doing something bad because of their compulsive gambling addiction thinks about their loved ones before committing the bad behavior. This maybe a fantasy of mine because most compulsive gamblers (like me) stop gambling when it appears to be too late. I am hear to tell anyone who will listen it is NEVER too late. No matter how much in debt, how much grief and sorrow, how much pain and suffering the compulsive gambler has caused it is never too late to stop gambling and get help.
I fought this disease for all of my adult life and now I know I don't have to fight it anymore. I am powerless over gambling and I cannot control my gambling behavior. Through the grace of God and the Gamblers Anonymous Program I have the strength to NOT gamble today and this has been successful for the last nine months and twelve days. I will repeat this process tomorrow because it truly does work one day at a time.
Finally anyone interested in reading the entire commentary from the columnist at the Buffalo News regarding the Al Roker Investigates "Kids, Cards and Dice" program please click here.
Of course now I have so many other things in my life that keep me on the straight and narrow path like the Saturday morning Gamblers Anonymous meeting as well as the other two GA meetings I attend on Sunday and Tuesday. Yes, this normal is so much better than what it previously was like. I know things will continue to change in terms of what is normal but if I maintain what I am doing currently and keep doing it one day at a time life will continue to improve.
Today's meeting was a birthday celebration and it looks like our little GA group is going to have a few more birthdays in the coming months which is fantastic. The meeting today celebrated a member's one year of abstinence from gambling and yes, we do make a big deal of it. I know it is just another day and I am just one bet away from that slippery slope; however; as members approach certain milestones we do celebrate because it is very important. Today was no exception, there was a very good turnout for the meeting and it is so nice to see some fellow members who travel a good distance and don't normally come to the Saturday morning meeting. Everyone adds something different to a meeting but there are certain people I really enjoy listening to maybe it is because I don't see these people often. Whatever the reason their wisdom always resonates with me.
I received many positive compliments (can a compliment be negative?? maybe so) about the Al Roker Investigates program and I thank everyone for their feedback. I also received some questions regarding the show and one in particular I would like to address. Someone asked me why did they show my family especially my children. Maybe they thought this was an exploitive measure by the producers but I thought it showed how a compulsive gambler not only affects their own life but the lives of others. My wife and children are real people and what I have done to them is horrible. I certainly regret my actions but I cannot change those events of the past I can only be a better person for myself and them today. I thank God each and every day for keeping my family together and I thank God each and every day for blessing me with such a special wife. She is an amazing person and I know we will continue to grow as a couple and as a family through this entire ordeal.
Getting back to the Court TV program; by showing my family it gave a face to what my wife and what I was talking about. Hopefully, one person out there that is on the brink of doing something bad because of their compulsive gambling addiction thinks about their loved ones before committing the bad behavior. This maybe a fantasy of mine because most compulsive gamblers (like me) stop gambling when it appears to be too late. I am hear to tell anyone who will listen it is NEVER too late. No matter how much in debt, how much grief and sorrow, how much pain and suffering the compulsive gambler has caused it is never too late to stop gambling and get help.
I fought this disease for all of my adult life and now I know I don't have to fight it anymore. I am powerless over gambling and I cannot control my gambling behavior. Through the grace of God and the Gamblers Anonymous Program I have the strength to NOT gamble today and this has been successful for the last nine months and twelve days. I will repeat this process tomorrow because it truly does work one day at a time.
Finally anyone interested in reading the entire commentary from the columnist at the Buffalo News regarding the Al Roker Investigates "Kids, Cards and Dice" program please click here.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Al Roker Investigates
Today I drove back from Las Vegas and yes, I am still gamble free for the last nine months and 11 days!! Last night I had dinner by myself at a fabulous Italian Restaurant in the Rio Hotel. They have the best eggplant parmigiana I have ever eaten. I was at this same restaurant almost one year ago with a former colleague of mine and I actually sat at the same table. The fact that I can remember what table I sat at last year is remarkable because my mind was going crazy at this time last year. I think the fact that the eggplant was so good made me remember the place very well. I really don't make a big point out of food because there is only so much I eat or should I say there is very LITTLE I eat. So when some food stands out which is rare I usually remember it. The eggplant was as I remembered it and I ate alone with my book. It really was an enjoyable evening. I headed back to my room where I read a little more and fell asleep.
I woke up this morning; worked out and got in my car to come back to Southern California. All the while I kept thinking about the Al Roker Investigates; Kids, Cards and Dice show. I had received a review from my Mother and my Wife. Both of them said it was well done but I couldn't wait to see it with my own eyes.
On my way home I stopped at my son's school and picked him up which is always great to see my children. They are so precious and mean the world to me. His little blue eyes lit up when he saw me coming towards him. He ran toward me yelling; "DADDY, DADDY, DADDY!!" and I lifted him up in the air and gave him a big kiss. He is a wonderful child.
We got home and shortly thereafter my daughter and my wife arrived home. My daughter ran over to me and I lifted her up and gave her a big hug and a kiss. I greeted my wife with a kiss and a hug as well.
By this time I really wanted to watch the program. We sent the children in the backyard to play and my wife and I sat down to watch the show. I thought I may have a hard time watching myself on television and at first I didn't even realize it was me. After a few minutes I got comfortable and couldn't believe how BIG my nose is!! I guess I knew my nose was large but looking at it on television really makes it look big. Sorry for the digression; back to the show. I thought the producers did a remarkable job of putting together a story of the two young "would be" poker players and tying everything around these two kids.
I really couldn't have asked for anything better; I was very pleased. My only negative comment is I thought they should have displayed a helpline telephone number for anyone who is seeking assistance with their gambling problem. Here are a few in case someone is seeking help with their gambling problem; 1-888-LAST-BET and 1-800-522-4700. The first telephone number is run by Arnie and Sheila Wexler two of the pioneers in compulsive gambling treatment and the second is the telephone number for the National Council on Problem Gambling Helpline; this will put you in touch with a local affiliate. Also; those seeking treatment can go to the Gamblers Anonymous website for a list of meetings in your area.
I did speak with the producer and he asked what I thought about the program. I told him he did a remarkable job and I thanked him for all of his hard work. I did mention about the helpline and he did say he would say something to Court TV to put up a telephone number the next time it airs.
Yes, what I have done is horrible but I cannot change the past events. I can only move forward and live a life of honesty, openness and with a purpose. I know things happen for a reason and hopefully there was one person who saw the program last night and it made them seek assistance for their gambling problem. I can't change my past but hopefully with awareness of what this disease can do to people such as myself it may prevent someone from doing the same.
I woke up this morning; worked out and got in my car to come back to Southern California. All the while I kept thinking about the Al Roker Investigates; Kids, Cards and Dice show. I had received a review from my Mother and my Wife. Both of them said it was well done but I couldn't wait to see it with my own eyes.
On my way home I stopped at my son's school and picked him up which is always great to see my children. They are so precious and mean the world to me. His little blue eyes lit up when he saw me coming towards him. He ran toward me yelling; "DADDY, DADDY, DADDY!!" and I lifted him up in the air and gave him a big kiss. He is a wonderful child.
We got home and shortly thereafter my daughter and my wife arrived home. My daughter ran over to me and I lifted her up and gave her a big hug and a kiss. I greeted my wife with a kiss and a hug as well.
By this time I really wanted to watch the program. We sent the children in the backyard to play and my wife and I sat down to watch the show. I thought I may have a hard time watching myself on television and at first I didn't even realize it was me. After a few minutes I got comfortable and couldn't believe how BIG my nose is!! I guess I knew my nose was large but looking at it on television really makes it look big. Sorry for the digression; back to the show. I thought the producers did a remarkable job of putting together a story of the two young "would be" poker players and tying everything around these two kids.
I really couldn't have asked for anything better; I was very pleased. My only negative comment is I thought they should have displayed a helpline telephone number for anyone who is seeking assistance with their gambling problem. Here are a few in case someone is seeking help with their gambling problem; 1-888-LAST-BET and 1-800-522-4700. The first telephone number is run by Arnie and Sheila Wexler two of the pioneers in compulsive gambling treatment and the second is the telephone number for the National Council on Problem Gambling Helpline; this will put you in touch with a local affiliate. Also; those seeking treatment can go to the Gamblers Anonymous website for a list of meetings in your area.
I did speak with the producer and he asked what I thought about the program. I told him he did a remarkable job and I thanked him for all of his hard work. I did mention about the helpline and he did say he would say something to Court TV to put up a telephone number the next time it airs.
Yes, what I have done is horrible but I cannot change the past events. I can only move forward and live a life of honesty, openness and with a purpose. I know things happen for a reason and hopefully there was one person who saw the program last night and it made them seek assistance for their gambling problem. I can't change my past but hopefully with awareness of what this disease can do to people such as myself it may prevent someone from doing the same.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Harm Reduction
Day 2 of the National Center on Responsible Gaming Conference on Addiction and Gambling started out with a wonderful Gamblers Anonymous/Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. This was the first meeting I have attended outside of California and even though I only knew I one person in the meeting I still felt better after attending the meeting then I felt before the meeting. There hasn't been a meeting where this hasn't been the case and I am so pleased because the meetings maybe different from state to state or even city to city but the purpose is the same; to help people with a gambling problem. Also, this is the first meeting where the visitors seem to out number the members. This was an open meeting and some people from the conference took the initiative to attend the meeting to see how the meeting operated because as part of their jobs they do refer people to Gamblers Anonymous meetings. The feedback from these visitors after the meeting was very positive.
After the meeting came the hour and a half session on "HARM REDUCTION" for the problem gambler. I have to admit I was very skeptical going into this session but tried to keep an open mind. I was skeptical because to me I want to eliminate the harm and the only way to do this is to NOT do the behavior which means to NOT gamble. I tried to keep an open mind all through the discussion. I listened to three very highly credential counselors and they were very proud of their work but I wasn't very impressed. In fact and this will sound almost cynical the harm reduction these people were talking about seemed to prolong the therapy sessions and I would suspect they received more billable hours. This is not to say they were doing this on purpose because everyone is different in their treatment. Look at me it took; losing a career; going to jail and almost losing my family to finally admit I am a compulsive gambler so who I am to talk about others in treatment. The fact that they are getting treatment is a good thing but the harm reduction these counselors were speaking of didn't seem too effective.
Five percent of people who gamble are compulsive or pathological gamblers and I fit into this category. There is no such thing as harm reduction for this percentile because it will be all harm. This harm will not only harm the compulsive gambler but will also harm the loved ones of the compulsive gambler and in the big picture will harm society. The harm of society will come with the anti-social behavior and in some cases can lead to suicide and yes, murder.
Fifteen percent of the people will develop a problem gambling but does not mean they will be a compulsive or pathological gambler. Harm reduction may work on these people but must be closely monitored or the same problems as a compulsive gambler will develop. There are many challenges in harm reduction and I am all for whatever works for the person. For me it is abstinence, Higher Power, my family and the Gamblers Anonymous Program. I realize everyone is different and what works for me is not necessarily the end all be all. It is good to see something is being done but we have a long way to go.
The afternoon session was a very touching speech from Senator George McGovern. Senator McGovern had lost his daughter to alcoholism. Eleven years ago she was found frozen to death after passing out from drinking too much. She had two young daughters and was in and out of treatment for a number of years. Senator McGovern spoke for an hour and he was very eloquent in describing his daughters battle with her addiction. He has a long line of alcoholics in his family and he believes this has been passed down through the generations. He had a great quote on what he learned from his daughter's battle with alcoholism; "Don't hate the person hate the addiction". I was very moved by his speech and I believe the worst thing in the world is losing a child. He has taken this horrible experience and has tried to turn this into a positive. He has written book "Terrie" and started a foundation for the treatment of alcoholism in his daughter's memory.
Though Senator McGovern's speech was not about compulsive gambling it was about an addiction and yes, an addiction is an addiction whether it is to drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, shopping, etc.. We can all learn from these addictions and we can all do something to ensure everyone has help. No one should be turned away because they have an addiction these are sick people (like myself) who need help and we as society should help. Yes, things are being done for addictions and the fact that there is a dialogue on compulsive gambling is a good thing in my mind.
After Senator McGovern spoke there was a session on "What we (Responsible Gaming) can learn from the alcohol industry responsible drinking program". I sat and listened for an hour and listened to some questions and listened to this speaking say he knew nothing about responsible gaming. This was extremely disappointing because I can see drawing the parallels to responsible drinking but somehow they need to be connected and this speaker could not do this. How can the Gaming Industry institute initiate this type of program? The speaker could not answer this question and I was hoping for someone to step up and say we are pursuing this type of program but no one said anything. My friend and I were perplexed how someone could speak for an hour at a responsible gaming conference and no NOTHING about responsible gaming.
The final session of the conference was on self-exclusion and how to implement a program at a casino. This panel knew what they were talking about but in my opinion this is a "feel good" option for the casino industry. They have given the patron the option to ban themselves from that particular property and in some cases all of the properties the casino's parent company is associated with. Meaning if you ban yourself from a Harrah's property in Missouri you are banning yourself from all of the Harrah's properties in the United States. It is an interesting program but it is very difficult to monitor. No one can stop the banned person from entering a casino but they can prevent them from winning. If a banned patron wins a taxable jackpot ($1200 or more) they will NOT get paid and in some cases get taken to jail for trespassing.
There was one member on the panel from a California Tribal Casino who has taken the banning to the next level. This particular casino will ban a customer when the family of the probable compulsive gambler comes in with sufficient documentation stating financial hardship caused by this person's gambling and asks for the family member to be banned. This is extremely innovative and really can only work at a Tribal Casino because their laws are a little different from the rest of the public casinos and are protected by sovereign immunity (which means they cannot be sued). They have had only a handful of these types of involuntary bannings but it was nice to see this particular regulator take the initiative to do something where they felt it necessary. There was and is a growing problem with compulsive gamblers and most compulsive gamblers will hide their gambling so I am sure this will be a limited program. But again at least something is being done and it does beat the alternative of nothing.
The conference ended and I was a bit disappointed. This was the heavyweights of the Gaming Industry and the Addiction Experts and I guess I was expecting a bit more. The fact that there is a movement to assist problem gamblers is a step in the right direction but there are so many steps that need to be taken. I would say the treatment, education and awareness of problem gambling is in the infancy stage and the infant has yet to learn how to crawl but everyone starts somewhere.
Tonight the Al Roker Investigates; "Kids, Cards and Dice" airs on Court TV and here is a few paragraphs from review in a Buffalo, New York newspaper;
In Roker's program, a reformed gambling addict, Paul Del Vacchio, reveals some of the dangers discussed by opponents of the much-talked about new casino in Buffalo. The accountant eventually declared bankruptcy, embezzled from his company and is facing a potential prison term of 12 years.
He is eloquent in describing how his life spiraled out of control after he became addicted to the rush of online gambling on sports events. Ultimately, he realized he was an "idiot" for taking such uncontrollable risks.
When it comes to gambling, you can be smart and still be an idiot. Roker's show follows around two Ivy Leaguers who claim big online poker winnings and believe they have a flawless system that will prevent them from busting at a casino.
This superior attitude makes them more pathetic figures than sympathetic ones. As gambling addiction experts on the program tell Roker, ultimately even the best poker players rely on what cards turn up.
At one point, Roker tells one of the Ivy Leaguers that he could bust out and lose everything. "It is not really possible I don't think," replies the University of Pennsylvania graduate.
I know there are no sure things. But I bet you can't possibly watch this special and not realize that the only guarantee in gambling, as in life, is there are no guarantees.
After the meeting came the hour and a half session on "HARM REDUCTION" for the problem gambler. I have to admit I was very skeptical going into this session but tried to keep an open mind. I was skeptical because to me I want to eliminate the harm and the only way to do this is to NOT do the behavior which means to NOT gamble. I tried to keep an open mind all through the discussion. I listened to three very highly credential counselors and they were very proud of their work but I wasn't very impressed. In fact and this will sound almost cynical the harm reduction these people were talking about seemed to prolong the therapy sessions and I would suspect they received more billable hours. This is not to say they were doing this on purpose because everyone is different in their treatment. Look at me it took; losing a career; going to jail and almost losing my family to finally admit I am a compulsive gambler so who I am to talk about others in treatment. The fact that they are getting treatment is a good thing but the harm reduction these counselors were speaking of didn't seem too effective.
Five percent of people who gamble are compulsive or pathological gamblers and I fit into this category. There is no such thing as harm reduction for this percentile because it will be all harm. This harm will not only harm the compulsive gambler but will also harm the loved ones of the compulsive gambler and in the big picture will harm society. The harm of society will come with the anti-social behavior and in some cases can lead to suicide and yes, murder.
Fifteen percent of the people will develop a problem gambling but does not mean they will be a compulsive or pathological gambler. Harm reduction may work on these people but must be closely monitored or the same problems as a compulsive gambler will develop. There are many challenges in harm reduction and I am all for whatever works for the person. For me it is abstinence, Higher Power, my family and the Gamblers Anonymous Program. I realize everyone is different and what works for me is not necessarily the end all be all. It is good to see something is being done but we have a long way to go.
The afternoon session was a very touching speech from Senator George McGovern. Senator McGovern had lost his daughter to alcoholism. Eleven years ago she was found frozen to death after passing out from drinking too much. She had two young daughters and was in and out of treatment for a number of years. Senator McGovern spoke for an hour and he was very eloquent in describing his daughters battle with her addiction. He has a long line of alcoholics in his family and he believes this has been passed down through the generations. He had a great quote on what he learned from his daughter's battle with alcoholism; "Don't hate the person hate the addiction". I was very moved by his speech and I believe the worst thing in the world is losing a child. He has taken this horrible experience and has tried to turn this into a positive. He has written book "Terrie" and started a foundation for the treatment of alcoholism in his daughter's memory.
Though Senator McGovern's speech was not about compulsive gambling it was about an addiction and yes, an addiction is an addiction whether it is to drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, shopping, etc.. We can all learn from these addictions and we can all do something to ensure everyone has help. No one should be turned away because they have an addiction these are sick people (like myself) who need help and we as society should help. Yes, things are being done for addictions and the fact that there is a dialogue on compulsive gambling is a good thing in my mind.
After Senator McGovern spoke there was a session on "What we (Responsible Gaming) can learn from the alcohol industry responsible drinking program". I sat and listened for an hour and listened to some questions and listened to this speaking say he knew nothing about responsible gaming. This was extremely disappointing because I can see drawing the parallels to responsible drinking but somehow they need to be connected and this speaker could not do this. How can the Gaming Industry institute initiate this type of program? The speaker could not answer this question and I was hoping for someone to step up and say we are pursuing this type of program but no one said anything. My friend and I were perplexed how someone could speak for an hour at a responsible gaming conference and no NOTHING about responsible gaming.
The final session of the conference was on self-exclusion and how to implement a program at a casino. This panel knew what they were talking about but in my opinion this is a "feel good" option for the casino industry. They have given the patron the option to ban themselves from that particular property and in some cases all of the properties the casino's parent company is associated with. Meaning if you ban yourself from a Harrah's property in Missouri you are banning yourself from all of the Harrah's properties in the United States. It is an interesting program but it is very difficult to monitor. No one can stop the banned person from entering a casino but they can prevent them from winning. If a banned patron wins a taxable jackpot ($1200 or more) they will NOT get paid and in some cases get taken to jail for trespassing.
There was one member on the panel from a California Tribal Casino who has taken the banning to the next level. This particular casino will ban a customer when the family of the probable compulsive gambler comes in with sufficient documentation stating financial hardship caused by this person's gambling and asks for the family member to be banned. This is extremely innovative and really can only work at a Tribal Casino because their laws are a little different from the rest of the public casinos and are protected by sovereign immunity (which means they cannot be sued). They have had only a handful of these types of involuntary bannings but it was nice to see this particular regulator take the initiative to do something where they felt it necessary. There was and is a growing problem with compulsive gamblers and most compulsive gamblers will hide their gambling so I am sure this will be a limited program. But again at least something is being done and it does beat the alternative of nothing.
The conference ended and I was a bit disappointed. This was the heavyweights of the Gaming Industry and the Addiction Experts and I guess I was expecting a bit more. The fact that there is a movement to assist problem gamblers is a step in the right direction but there are so many steps that need to be taken. I would say the treatment, education and awareness of problem gambling is in the infancy stage and the infant has yet to learn how to crawl but everyone starts somewhere.
Tonight the Al Roker Investigates; "Kids, Cards and Dice" airs on Court TV and here is a few paragraphs from review in a Buffalo, New York newspaper;
In Roker's program, a reformed gambling addict, Paul Del Vacchio, reveals some of the dangers discussed by opponents of the much-talked about new casino in Buffalo. The accountant eventually declared bankruptcy, embezzled from his company and is facing a potential prison term of 12 years.
He is eloquent in describing how his life spiraled out of control after he became addicted to the rush of online gambling on sports events. Ultimately, he realized he was an "idiot" for taking such uncontrollable risks.
When it comes to gambling, you can be smart and still be an idiot. Roker's show follows around two Ivy Leaguers who claim big online poker winnings and believe they have a flawless system that will prevent them from busting at a casino.
This superior attitude makes them more pathetic figures than sympathetic ones. As gambling addiction experts on the program tell Roker, ultimately even the best poker players rely on what cards turn up.
At one point, Roker tells one of the Ivy Leaguers that he could bust out and lose everything. "It is not really possible I don't think," replies the University of Pennsylvania graduate.
I know there are no sure things. But I bet you can't possibly watch this special and not realize that the only guarantee in gambling, as in life, is there are no guarantees.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Driving to Las Vegas
This morning I drove to Las Vegas for the second time in four days this time I am attending the National Center on RESPONSIBLE Gaming Conference on Addiction and Gambling. As I made the four hour drive by myself I had a great deal of time to reflect but I don't like to reflect because it can set my recovery back. My recovery from the addiction to gambling is the most important thing in my life because without this recovery I have NO life. So one would think going to Las Vegas would present a problem with someone who is a recovering compulsive gambler.
I have mentioned this before Las Vegas has a very special place in my heart because both of my children were born there and my wife and I purchased our first home. I still have some friends in this city and tonight I am looking forward to meeting with one very special friend who I have known for 10 years for dinner.
Instead of reflecting on the past I thought about how Las Vegas which is known as the "Gambling Capital of the World" has really changed this image in the past few years. More money is spent on non-gambling than on gambling. In fact I believe gambling revenues account for 47% of the total revenues and the majority now goes to hotel rooms, dining, shows and "other" non-gambling venues.
There are two types of casinos; one is the destination resort casino and the second is the local casino. All of the casinos on the Las Vegas Strip are destination resort casinos and mostly all other casinos in the United States are local casinos. The one minor exception would have been the casinos on the Gulf Coast they may have been a cross between a destination and local casino but unfortunately they won't be open for a few months due to the Katrina catastrophe.
There are some very large tribal casinos who may think they are destination resort casinos but in fact they are not because most of the people who visit these casinos are there to do one thing which is to GAMBLE. Atlantic City is a local market and they take in tons of money and all of the tribal casinos in California are local casinos. Which type of casino has the higher probability of creating a compulsive gambler? Fairly obvious; the local casino. Most people when they go to Las Vegas are going on a two to five day vacation. Most people when they go to a locals casino are going on a day trip to GAMBLE. I was interested to see if the conference would address these types of casinos and the compulsive gambler. I did not see anything in the conference outline and I did not hear anything in the five hours of sessions I sat through this afternoon.
I was very fortunate to meet up with a friend of mine from Gamblers Anonymous at the conference. This friend is very active in the training and awareness of problem gamblers and has been going to these conferences for the past few years. He also knows a great deal of people on the operation and regulatory side of these gaming companies. We both sat through five hours of sessions and we both came up with the same conclusion. The gaming companies do acknowledge there is a problem for some who gamble but they are not certain how to address these problems.
There are some states that do a fantastic job in the awareness, education and treatment of compulsive gamblers such as Louisiana, Connecticut and New Mexico. However, there are other states such as California who have limited funds so they do not do much in any of these areas. California gaming which encompasses the tribal casinos, lottery, racetracks, and card clubs made more money then any other state yet their funding for problem gambling was $2 million which comes mostly from the lottery organization. Most of the tribal casinos donate to the California Council on Problem Gambling but with all the money that is made it is in my opinion inadequate.
Yes, there will always be compulsive gamblers no matter how much money is spent on training, education and treatment. However, maybe if there is more awareness and treatment the number of compulsive gamblers can go down. With the proliferation of gaming especially casino gaming throughout the country it is inevitable there will be more problem gamblers but something needs to be done. I believe an awareness campaign along with funding for treatment of compulsive gamblers will help. Most compulsive gamblers do not seek treatment because they lack the money and by this time they have developed other disorders such as depression. The compulsive gambler is more likely to commit suicide then any other addiction which is why there needs to be more money available for treatment. Life does not end when someone stops gambling it begins.
Enough of my diatribe! I met my dear friend for dinner this evening and like I mentioned before we have known each other for 10 years. This was the first time we were alone and were able to talk about the last nine months or in my case the last 22 years. My friend was trying to put the pieces together to see if he could have detected my compulsive gambling behavior and he asked me two questions. These two questions stuck in his mind for a long time and for whatever reason they were signs of my compulsive behavior even though I thought I did my best to hide everything. We talked about it and we talked about some things he is going through.
When we finished talking and we parted ways and we both agreed we will get through these situations in front of us and be better persons. I have come in contact with some wonderful people in the past nine months and I have had some wonderful people in my life for a long time. I took some of these people for granted but I am truly blessed to be in the company of these fantastic people. My friend who I met tonight is a great person and I do not mean this lightly. He is a man of integrity, honor and just a down right good person. I thank God for blessing me with his presence.
I have mentioned this before Las Vegas has a very special place in my heart because both of my children were born there and my wife and I purchased our first home. I still have some friends in this city and tonight I am looking forward to meeting with one very special friend who I have known for 10 years for dinner.
Instead of reflecting on the past I thought about how Las Vegas which is known as the "Gambling Capital of the World" has really changed this image in the past few years. More money is spent on non-gambling than on gambling. In fact I believe gambling revenues account for 47% of the total revenues and the majority now goes to hotel rooms, dining, shows and "other" non-gambling venues.
There are two types of casinos; one is the destination resort casino and the second is the local casino. All of the casinos on the Las Vegas Strip are destination resort casinos and mostly all other casinos in the United States are local casinos. The one minor exception would have been the casinos on the Gulf Coast they may have been a cross between a destination and local casino but unfortunately they won't be open for a few months due to the Katrina catastrophe.
There are some very large tribal casinos who may think they are destination resort casinos but in fact they are not because most of the people who visit these casinos are there to do one thing which is to GAMBLE. Atlantic City is a local market and they take in tons of money and all of the tribal casinos in California are local casinos. Which type of casino has the higher probability of creating a compulsive gambler? Fairly obvious; the local casino. Most people when they go to Las Vegas are going on a two to five day vacation. Most people when they go to a locals casino are going on a day trip to GAMBLE. I was interested to see if the conference would address these types of casinos and the compulsive gambler. I did not see anything in the conference outline and I did not hear anything in the five hours of sessions I sat through this afternoon.
I was very fortunate to meet up with a friend of mine from Gamblers Anonymous at the conference. This friend is very active in the training and awareness of problem gamblers and has been going to these conferences for the past few years. He also knows a great deal of people on the operation and regulatory side of these gaming companies. We both sat through five hours of sessions and we both came up with the same conclusion. The gaming companies do acknowledge there is a problem for some who gamble but they are not certain how to address these problems.
There are some states that do a fantastic job in the awareness, education and treatment of compulsive gamblers such as Louisiana, Connecticut and New Mexico. However, there are other states such as California who have limited funds so they do not do much in any of these areas. California gaming which encompasses the tribal casinos, lottery, racetracks, and card clubs made more money then any other state yet their funding for problem gambling was $2 million which comes mostly from the lottery organization. Most of the tribal casinos donate to the California Council on Problem Gambling but with all the money that is made it is in my opinion inadequate.
Yes, there will always be compulsive gamblers no matter how much money is spent on training, education and treatment. However, maybe if there is more awareness and treatment the number of compulsive gamblers can go down. With the proliferation of gaming especially casino gaming throughout the country it is inevitable there will be more problem gamblers but something needs to be done. I believe an awareness campaign along with funding for treatment of compulsive gamblers will help. Most compulsive gamblers do not seek treatment because they lack the money and by this time they have developed other disorders such as depression. The compulsive gambler is more likely to commit suicide then any other addiction which is why there needs to be more money available for treatment. Life does not end when someone stops gambling it begins.
Enough of my diatribe! I met my dear friend for dinner this evening and like I mentioned before we have known each other for 10 years. This was the first time we were alone and were able to talk about the last nine months or in my case the last 22 years. My friend was trying to put the pieces together to see if he could have detected my compulsive gambling behavior and he asked me two questions. These two questions stuck in his mind for a long time and for whatever reason they were signs of my compulsive behavior even though I thought I did my best to hide everything. We talked about it and we talked about some things he is going through.
When we finished talking and we parted ways and we both agreed we will get through these situations in front of us and be better persons. I have come in contact with some wonderful people in the past nine months and I have had some wonderful people in my life for a long time. I took some of these people for granted but I am truly blessed to be in the company of these fantastic people. My friend who I met tonight is a great person and I do not mean this lightly. He is a man of integrity, honor and just a down right good person. I thank God for blessing me with his presence.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
GA--Program Note
Apparently all of the blog sites were down for a few hours yesterday afternoon and evening. I apologize to those who tried to get on the blog but were unsuccessful. I don't know what had happened but I do know all of the blogs were down.
Tonight is my second to last Intergroup meeting with Gamblers Anonymous. Intergroup is the business side of GA and it meets the first Tuesday of every month. It is my second to last meeting because my term as Co-Secretary of the Saturday morning meeting is up at the end of the month. The Secretarial Chairs rotate every six months so new people can give their service to the Program. It is a great rule because everyone brings something different to a meeting and it keeps the Program from stagnating. I have enjoyed my six months and look forward to serving in the near future. I will not volunteer for any other meeting because of the uncertainty of where I will be in the next six months and it wouldn't be fair to someone who was interested in assisting the Program.
I don't know how other groups within Gamblers Anonymous operate I only know my area and I must say we have a very special group of people. I have met young people and older people. I have met White, Black, Hispanic, Oriental and other ethnic persuasions. I have met rich, poor and middle class people. It is truly amazing how special our group in Gamblers Anonymous is to me. They are all wonderful people and really want to help others who are suffering with a gambling problem. I am so happy I have joined this group and I will forever be in their debt. They are saving me from committing the same mistakes I have made in the past.
I always thought I was smart enough to stop gambling on my own but I only fooled myself. Each time it got progressively worse and the next stop is death. I don't want to die and for this I thank Gamblers Anonymous for saving my life.
I know the Program is not for everyone and some people do have to learn the hard way like myself but it is a very simple program in its design; People helping people with their gambling addiction by abstaining from gambling and following the twelve steps of recovery. If someone follows this program there is NO way they can gamble today and today becomes a lifetime. No one (including myself) likes to be told what to do but there comes a point in life where we all have to make choices and hopefully these choices are the correct ones. Nine months and one week ago I made the choice to attend the Saturday morning Gamblers Anonymous meeting and my life has changed for the better.
Tomorrow morning I am driving back to Las Vegas to attend the National Council for RESPONSIBLE GAMBLING annual conference. I will be there until Friday so there will not be any postings until Friday and this will be a recap on the conference. I must talk about one segment of this program and it is called; "The Harm Reduction Debate, Should Abstinence Be the Only Goal for Addiction Treatment?" I find the concept of "harm reduction" very interesting; to me this means yes, there is harm when some people gamble so the clinician will try to minimize not eliminate the harm. I guess for some and even myself I tried to minimize the harm for a number of years but I never fully addressed my addiction and it lead to major harm not only of myself but to my family.
I was unwillingly to admit I had a problem with gambling and until I admitted this there was nothing but problems. There are many people out there right now in denial of their gambling problem and some will commit crimes, some will lose their families, some will lose their houses, some will lose their lives. I cannot save anyone but myself and hopefully my story will help one person seek the treatment they so need to recover from their gambling problem. Yes, there is life after gambling and it is a good life with a true sense of purpose.
Program note; please tune into Al Roker's Investigates Kids, Cards, and Dice program on Court TV at 8:00 pm Pacific and Eastern Time on Cable and 9:00 pm Pacific Time on Directv and Dish Network Thursday December 8th. I would like to hear some feedback on this program, thank you.
Tonight is my second to last Intergroup meeting with Gamblers Anonymous. Intergroup is the business side of GA and it meets the first Tuesday of every month. It is my second to last meeting because my term as Co-Secretary of the Saturday morning meeting is up at the end of the month. The Secretarial Chairs rotate every six months so new people can give their service to the Program. It is a great rule because everyone brings something different to a meeting and it keeps the Program from stagnating. I have enjoyed my six months and look forward to serving in the near future. I will not volunteer for any other meeting because of the uncertainty of where I will be in the next six months and it wouldn't be fair to someone who was interested in assisting the Program.
I don't know how other groups within Gamblers Anonymous operate I only know my area and I must say we have a very special group of people. I have met young people and older people. I have met White, Black, Hispanic, Oriental and other ethnic persuasions. I have met rich, poor and middle class people. It is truly amazing how special our group in Gamblers Anonymous is to me. They are all wonderful people and really want to help others who are suffering with a gambling problem. I am so happy I have joined this group and I will forever be in their debt. They are saving me from committing the same mistakes I have made in the past.
I always thought I was smart enough to stop gambling on my own but I only fooled myself. Each time it got progressively worse and the next stop is death. I don't want to die and for this I thank Gamblers Anonymous for saving my life.
I know the Program is not for everyone and some people do have to learn the hard way like myself but it is a very simple program in its design; People helping people with their gambling addiction by abstaining from gambling and following the twelve steps of recovery. If someone follows this program there is NO way they can gamble today and today becomes a lifetime. No one (including myself) likes to be told what to do but there comes a point in life where we all have to make choices and hopefully these choices are the correct ones. Nine months and one week ago I made the choice to attend the Saturday morning Gamblers Anonymous meeting and my life has changed for the better.
Tomorrow morning I am driving back to Las Vegas to attend the National Council for RESPONSIBLE GAMBLING annual conference. I will be there until Friday so there will not be any postings until Friday and this will be a recap on the conference. I must talk about one segment of this program and it is called; "The Harm Reduction Debate, Should Abstinence Be the Only Goal for Addiction Treatment?" I find the concept of "harm reduction" very interesting; to me this means yes, there is harm when some people gamble so the clinician will try to minimize not eliminate the harm. I guess for some and even myself I tried to minimize the harm for a number of years but I never fully addressed my addiction and it lead to major harm not only of myself but to my family.
I was unwillingly to admit I had a problem with gambling and until I admitted this there was nothing but problems. There are many people out there right now in denial of their gambling problem and some will commit crimes, some will lose their families, some will lose their houses, some will lose their lives. I cannot save anyone but myself and hopefully my story will help one person seek the treatment they so need to recover from their gambling problem. Yes, there is life after gambling and it is a good life with a true sense of purpose.
Program note; please tune into Al Roker's Investigates Kids, Cards, and Dice program on Court TV at 8:00 pm Pacific and Eastern Time on Cable and 9:00 pm Pacific Time on Directv and Dish Network Thursday December 8th. I would like to hear some feedback on this program, thank you.
Monday, December 05, 2005
Day After the Marathon
What does someone feel like after they run 26.2 miles? I had received this question and wanted to answer it. First please note when I refer to the mileage on the marathon I always include the .2 because it is the last .2 that is a killer mentally. When you hit mile 26 you think it is over but you still have two tenths of mile to go and usually you cannot see the finish line at mile 26 so the mind starts playing games with the body. On sheer will you persevere until you hit that finish line and the worst comes when the body stops moving. All of the information given to marathon runners especially first time marathon runners is to keep moving even we you hit the finish line for at least 20 to 30 minutes. I did not do this in my first marathon; I crashed and burned and by the time I hit the finish line I was toast and had to lay down for 30 minutes because I was spent.
Yesterday was my fourth marathon and like I had written previously it felt very good the whole way up until mile 22. I was pushing it from mile 22 forward but I kept moving and kept the pace I wanted to accomplish. I hit the finish and I kept moving for 30 minutes so the pain did not hit me right away. In fact the pain didn't really hit me until this morning. I would be fine if my quadriceps and tops of my feet did not hurt because the rest of my body feels great. The hardest part is going down the stairs. The stiffness is not conducive for walking down stairs or down any elevation like a curb. I do walk like a ninety year old man when it comes to the stairs and going down curbs; it really is quite funny.
The interesting pain is the pain on the tops of my feet. Now one would think that the bottoms of my feet would hurt the most because after all the typical marathon contains 43,000 foot steps (which means the foot hits the ground 43,000 times) but the tops of my feet are really sore. I have a very high arch which makes choosing shoes especially running shoes very difficult because the tops of my feet usually hit the top of the running shoe. I have to lace my running shoes very differently; not across the shoe rather up the sides of the shoe so not to cause any undo pressure on the tops of my feet. I have been very fortunate because on a few of my previous long runs it felt like I broke a bone in the top of my foot. This is not the case today after the marathon the tops of my feet are just sore.
It really takes about 3 days for me to have the tightness subside and I should be back to normal on Thursday. This doesn't mean I stop going to the gym. I did take today off but I will be back there tomorrow. Even though I completed a marathon this does not mean my fitness routine is over. My fitness routine is just like my compulsive gambling recovery it is a lifelong commitment which is performed one day at time. Completing a marathon is a wonderful thing but continuing my regimen is even better.
My wife asked me what marathon was next and I said don't ask me that today. I had just finished the perfect run (for me) because I hit every time goal I set for myself and I felt I couldn't have run a better race. Yes, 769 people finished in front of me but 10,200 people finished after me. I know there is room for improvement but I would like to savor the accomplishment for a few days before I start thinking about another marathon.
Someone had asked me what do you think about during the run afterall you are running for 3 and half hours; what goes through your mind? My answer was NOTHING really goes through my mind; I am just concentrating on the scenery and the next mile. I think about nothing for 3 and half hours and it feels great. I focus on other runners, the sites around me, the sounds around me and my feet hitting the pavement. I am not thinking about all of the things I normally think about. My running is another part of me that keeps me sane. I think my fitness regime which has been around for the past 15 years has kept me sane. It has NOT kept me from gambling but it has provided a much needed release and will continue to provide this release for as long as I am capable.
A fellow GA member put it all in prospective; people can accomplish many things when they put their mind to it and there are many things this member can do and does those things very well; however; gambling is NOT one of them. This is why I like this member chooses to NOT gamble today because we cannot gamble like other people and no matter how hard we try gambling ALWAYS leads to bad situations. I love the fact I accomplished a goal but I also love the fact I am being honest and open with myself and every one that surrounds me. This formula will allow me to be a better person one step at a time.
Yesterday was my fourth marathon and like I had written previously it felt very good the whole way up until mile 22. I was pushing it from mile 22 forward but I kept moving and kept the pace I wanted to accomplish. I hit the finish and I kept moving for 30 minutes so the pain did not hit me right away. In fact the pain didn't really hit me until this morning. I would be fine if my quadriceps and tops of my feet did not hurt because the rest of my body feels great. The hardest part is going down the stairs. The stiffness is not conducive for walking down stairs or down any elevation like a curb. I do walk like a ninety year old man when it comes to the stairs and going down curbs; it really is quite funny.
The interesting pain is the pain on the tops of my feet. Now one would think that the bottoms of my feet would hurt the most because after all the typical marathon contains 43,000 foot steps (which means the foot hits the ground 43,000 times) but the tops of my feet are really sore. I have a very high arch which makes choosing shoes especially running shoes very difficult because the tops of my feet usually hit the top of the running shoe. I have to lace my running shoes very differently; not across the shoe rather up the sides of the shoe so not to cause any undo pressure on the tops of my feet. I have been very fortunate because on a few of my previous long runs it felt like I broke a bone in the top of my foot. This is not the case today after the marathon the tops of my feet are just sore.
It really takes about 3 days for me to have the tightness subside and I should be back to normal on Thursday. This doesn't mean I stop going to the gym. I did take today off but I will be back there tomorrow. Even though I completed a marathon this does not mean my fitness routine is over. My fitness routine is just like my compulsive gambling recovery it is a lifelong commitment which is performed one day at time. Completing a marathon is a wonderful thing but continuing my regimen is even better.
My wife asked me what marathon was next and I said don't ask me that today. I had just finished the perfect run (for me) because I hit every time goal I set for myself and I felt I couldn't have run a better race. Yes, 769 people finished in front of me but 10,200 people finished after me. I know there is room for improvement but I would like to savor the accomplishment for a few days before I start thinking about another marathon.
Someone had asked me what do you think about during the run afterall you are running for 3 and half hours; what goes through your mind? My answer was NOTHING really goes through my mind; I am just concentrating on the scenery and the next mile. I think about nothing for 3 and half hours and it feels great. I focus on other runners, the sites around me, the sounds around me and my feet hitting the pavement. I am not thinking about all of the things I normally think about. My running is another part of me that keeps me sane. I think my fitness regime which has been around for the past 15 years has kept me sane. It has NOT kept me from gambling but it has provided a much needed release and will continue to provide this release for as long as I am capable.
A fellow GA member put it all in prospective; people can accomplish many things when they put their mind to it and there are many things this member can do and does those things very well; however; gambling is NOT one of them. This is why I like this member chooses to NOT gamble today because we cannot gamble like other people and no matter how hard we try gambling ALWAYS leads to bad situations. I love the fact I accomplished a goal but I also love the fact I am being honest and open with myself and every one that surrounds me. This formula will allow me to be a better person one step at a time.
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Las Vegas Marathon
I'm back from participating in the "New" Las Vegas Marathon and I feel very good (surprisingly). The weekend started out yesterday morning as we packed the children into the car and set out for the four hour drive to Las Vegas. As is always the case we got off to a late start but we really didn't have to get there until 4:00 pm so we really weren't in a hurry. I was hoping to leave by 9:00 am but we didn't hit the road until 10:00 am which is always to be expected. The children were great on the ride because they had their DVD player and watched movies the whole time. The drive is not the most exciting because it is through barren desert and there is NOTHING to see except for brown rocks and brown sand.
As I was driving I noticed the wind picking up as we approached Las Vegas and I knew the temperature was a little colder there then it was in Southern California but I was most concerned with the wind. I am a fair weather runner that is probably why I live in Southern California because the weather seems always to be FAIR so have the wind mix with the cold had my attention.
We arrived by 2:00 pm and went to pick up my number for the race which was in the Runner's Expo. The Runner's Expo is a flea market (if you will) for other marathons, assorted running gear and other product associated with running and healthy living. Usually there is a bevy of free samples but for some reason the free samples were very hard to find at this Expo. God love my wife she is a shopper and it doesn't matter that she is NOT a runner she loved looking through the booths for deals. Fortunately she did not buy anything except for the Fanny pack I needed for the race and some Powerbar gels (smooshed up Powerbars that you shoot into your mouth while you are running for energy). After the Expo we were to meet my dear friend for dinner with his family. We settled on an old favorite Italian restaurant and had a great meal with great conversation. I hadn't seen my friend in over one year but it was like we had just seen each other yesterday. I am truly blessed with the friendships I have.
As an aside to the dinner I was a bit apprehensive not seeing my friend but seeing his wife. I didn't know "how" to act but I settled on being myself and everything seemed to work out just fine.
The marathon started at 6:00 am this morning and as I made my way in the DARK to the starting line I had to walk through the casino at around 5:30 am. There were a lot of runners walking through the casino at that time because the race had 12,500 participants. As I was walking I noticed out of the corner of my eye while walking through the casino the people playing blackjack and you know what NONE of them looked happy. All of the runners were buzzing with excitement but there was a noticeable pale over the casino pit area. I saw one young man in his 20's with the glazed look in his eyes as he decided whether to take a card from the dealer. It really was sad but this was me not in the casino but in front of my television or sports pager or computer as I would check the scores on my games. I was NEVER happy it was something I had to do; very crazy and somewhat insane in retrospect.
Back to the race; I made my way through the casino to the convention area outside to the start line. Yes, it was dark at this time and it was a "balmy" 37 degrees with a 20 mile an hour wind out of the North which made it feel colder than the 37 degrees. I had on a sweatsuit but I cannot run 26.2 miles in a sweatsuit even at this temperature so I had to take off my pants and sweat jacket so I could run in shorts and a shirt. Thank God a few years ago I bought a winterized running shirt with built-in gloves; this was the best investment I have made. It kept me warm the entire race and the only cold I felt was through my running shoes (they are ventilated) and my finger tips (the built in gloves only cover the hand and fingers but not the finger tips).
The race started at 6:05 am to fireworks. Yes, this being Las Vegas they must doing everything "over the top" and the fireworks were very nice; however; we were warned not to stop and watch them because there 12,499 runners that were coming toward us!! The first two miles I couldn't see because my eyes were watering from the cold and the wind. As I mentioned the wind was coming out of the North which meant the first 14 miles were run into a fairly strong head (coming at the runners) wind but it also meant the last 12 miles were run with the wind at our backs. The first 7 miles were down the strip and through downtown Las Vegas and they went very fast. In fact the first 19 miles were really just a blur because even though it was cold and windy I was feeling very good and I hit every time goal I wanted to hit. My goal for mile 22 was the three hour mark and I hit mile 22 exactly at the three hour mark. The last four miles I started to feel it in my legs but all of the injuries I have had over the past two years I felt NONE of them so I was quite pleased.
My goal for the race was three hours and thirty-eight minutes or an eight minute and nineteen second per mile pace. I finished the race in three hours and thirty-five minutes for an eight minutes and twelve second per mile pace. So I exceeded my goal and I was thrilled. Now those are just numbers and I was pleased to hit my goals but not as pleased when I so my family on the side as I crossed the finish line. My wife and two children were there to see my finish the race and it didn't matter what I time I finished in; seeing them and having their support is all that I need. They are true blessings from God.
This was my first marathon since stopping gambling nine months ago and it felt great. I have run three other marathons and all three of those marathons I didn't have bets on games because I really didn't want any distractions. This may seem odd because over the past 20 plus years there have been times of clarity none sustainable but I always wanted to stop gambling but didn't know how. I guess when my world came crashing down on me I thought I better learn how to stop gambling because the next stop would be death.
I have learned that Gamblers Anonymous is the way for me to not wager today and hopefully not to gamble again. Which is why I wanted to make it to tonight's GA meeting and share my marathon story with my friends in the Program. I was able to make the meeting because I had my wife drop me off at the meeting about 30 minutes late. It was a small meeting but it was great nonetheless. These are inspirational people and they have taught me and continue to teach me so much. It was important to me to make this meeting even though I had just run 26.2 miles and driven 280 miles. This Program and the people in this Program have given me a reason to live and to live with a purpose. It was a fantastic weekend and the family had a great time as well.
As I was driving I noticed the wind picking up as we approached Las Vegas and I knew the temperature was a little colder there then it was in Southern California but I was most concerned with the wind. I am a fair weather runner that is probably why I live in Southern California because the weather seems always to be FAIR so have the wind mix with the cold had my attention.
We arrived by 2:00 pm and went to pick up my number for the race which was in the Runner's Expo. The Runner's Expo is a flea market (if you will) for other marathons, assorted running gear and other product associated with running and healthy living. Usually there is a bevy of free samples but for some reason the free samples were very hard to find at this Expo. God love my wife she is a shopper and it doesn't matter that she is NOT a runner she loved looking through the booths for deals. Fortunately she did not buy anything except for the Fanny pack I needed for the race and some Powerbar gels (smooshed up Powerbars that you shoot into your mouth while you are running for energy). After the Expo we were to meet my dear friend for dinner with his family. We settled on an old favorite Italian restaurant and had a great meal with great conversation. I hadn't seen my friend in over one year but it was like we had just seen each other yesterday. I am truly blessed with the friendships I have.
As an aside to the dinner I was a bit apprehensive not seeing my friend but seeing his wife. I didn't know "how" to act but I settled on being myself and everything seemed to work out just fine.
The marathon started at 6:00 am this morning and as I made my way in the DARK to the starting line I had to walk through the casino at around 5:30 am. There were a lot of runners walking through the casino at that time because the race had 12,500 participants. As I was walking I noticed out of the corner of my eye while walking through the casino the people playing blackjack and you know what NONE of them looked happy. All of the runners were buzzing with excitement but there was a noticeable pale over the casino pit area. I saw one young man in his 20's with the glazed look in his eyes as he decided whether to take a card from the dealer. It really was sad but this was me not in the casino but in front of my television or sports pager or computer as I would check the scores on my games. I was NEVER happy it was something I had to do; very crazy and somewhat insane in retrospect.
Back to the race; I made my way through the casino to the convention area outside to the start line. Yes, it was dark at this time and it was a "balmy" 37 degrees with a 20 mile an hour wind out of the North which made it feel colder than the 37 degrees. I had on a sweatsuit but I cannot run 26.2 miles in a sweatsuit even at this temperature so I had to take off my pants and sweat jacket so I could run in shorts and a shirt. Thank God a few years ago I bought a winterized running shirt with built-in gloves; this was the best investment I have made. It kept me warm the entire race and the only cold I felt was through my running shoes (they are ventilated) and my finger tips (the built in gloves only cover the hand and fingers but not the finger tips).
The race started at 6:05 am to fireworks. Yes, this being Las Vegas they must doing everything "over the top" and the fireworks were very nice; however; we were warned not to stop and watch them because there 12,499 runners that were coming toward us!! The first two miles I couldn't see because my eyes were watering from the cold and the wind. As I mentioned the wind was coming out of the North which meant the first 14 miles were run into a fairly strong head (coming at the runners) wind but it also meant the last 12 miles were run with the wind at our backs. The first 7 miles were down the strip and through downtown Las Vegas and they went very fast. In fact the first 19 miles were really just a blur because even though it was cold and windy I was feeling very good and I hit every time goal I wanted to hit. My goal for mile 22 was the three hour mark and I hit mile 22 exactly at the three hour mark. The last four miles I started to feel it in my legs but all of the injuries I have had over the past two years I felt NONE of them so I was quite pleased.
My goal for the race was three hours and thirty-eight minutes or an eight minute and nineteen second per mile pace. I finished the race in three hours and thirty-five minutes for an eight minutes and twelve second per mile pace. So I exceeded my goal and I was thrilled. Now those are just numbers and I was pleased to hit my goals but not as pleased when I so my family on the side as I crossed the finish line. My wife and two children were there to see my finish the race and it didn't matter what I time I finished in; seeing them and having their support is all that I need. They are true blessings from God.
This was my first marathon since stopping gambling nine months ago and it felt great. I have run three other marathons and all three of those marathons I didn't have bets on games because I really didn't want any distractions. This may seem odd because over the past 20 plus years there have been times of clarity none sustainable but I always wanted to stop gambling but didn't know how. I guess when my world came crashing down on me I thought I better learn how to stop gambling because the next stop would be death.
I have learned that Gamblers Anonymous is the way for me to not wager today and hopefully not to gamble again. Which is why I wanted to make it to tonight's GA meeting and share my marathon story with my friends in the Program. I was able to make the meeting because I had my wife drop me off at the meeting about 30 minutes late. It was a small meeting but it was great nonetheless. These are inspirational people and they have taught me and continue to teach me so much. It was important to me to make this meeting even though I had just run 26.2 miles and driven 280 miles. This Program and the people in this Program have given me a reason to live and to live with a purpose. It was a fantastic weekend and the family had a great time as well.
Friday, December 02, 2005
Big Weekend
My last marathon was in January of 2004 and it was a disaster. I ran in the inaugural Arizona Rock n Roll Marathon and I did not finish the race. I had run two other marathons prior to this marathon and finished them both. I actually better my time by 38 minutes from the first to the second marathon and was feeling pretty good about the third marathon. I had noticed on my long runs leading up to this third marathon I would get a nagging pain in the side of my left knee. I thought I could just run through it; again another bad decision on my part. At mile 15 I met up with my wife and children to exchange water bottles and get some good wishes and had stopped running as we did the exchange. This proved to be a fatal mistake because when I was finished exchanging the water bottles I could not get restarted running. The pain in my knee was excruciating and I thought better to pull out of the race after trying to get to mile 16.
A few months later and many visits to an orthopedic along with an MRI I had tendonitis in my knee. It took about four months to fully recover from this injury and I took my rehabilitation very seriously because I had to run again to prove to myself I can finish another marathon. At the beginning of this year I had loft running goals which were to run in three marathons; March Los Angeles, June San Diego, and November New York. Well most of us know what happened four days prior to the first scheduled marathon in March. I was fortunate enough to run in the La Jolla Half Marathon in April but again I injured myself leading up to the San Diego marathon in June. It took a few months to recover from the calf injury but I couldn't run in the New York marathon because I needed one more week of training.
Which leads me to this weekend. I am running in (of all places!) the Las Vegas Marathon on Sunday morning. Las Vegas has had a marathon for the past 25 years but this year they have finally changed the course and moved the marathon to December; it was previously run in late January and the course was not very exciting. This year the marathon starts and ends at Mandalay Bay and goes down the strip towards downtown through the Fremont Street Experience and loops around before finishing at Mandalay Bay. I needed to run a marathon before the year is out and Sunday is my last chance.
Some may say Las Vegas is a very peculiar place to chose to run a marathon for a compulsive gambler and you may be right. My family will be with me and like I have said before I am committed to my recovery one day at a time and I am happy to go back to a place where both of my children were born. Las Vegas for all its bad has a warm place in my heart because two blessing from God were bestowed upon me while I resided in this city. My children are fabulous and I will always think of warmly of Las Vegas because who knows had my wife NOT moved to Las Vegas who is to say my children may not have been born and it would have been my loss.
Tomorrow morning we drive off to Las Vegas where I will see a dear friend for the first time in a very long time. This friend has had their share of ups in downs in the past nine months but has always had time for me; calling whenever they had a free moment to see how I was doing. It is hard to believe it has been 10 years since I first met this person and I am so glad they are a part of my life. Relationships, honesty, God, family are truly what matters to me. The worldly possessions can be gone but as long as I have those four things in my life everything will be work out; it already has.
Needless; to say I will not be posting tomorrow but I will be back on Sunday night to recap the weekend. The marathon starts at 6:00 am Pacific Time and believe it or not it will be 32 degrees in Las Vegas at that time. By the time I finish the temperature should be in the 50's. I am a bit apprehensive about the start time because not only will it be cold but the sun doesn't rise until 6:40 am; it should be interesting. There are some people I know from town that are running as well and we plan to run together as long as we can. I am looking forward to the marathon and being back in a place that holds very special memories for me.
One last item; I received a letter today from a remarkable person. I am truly blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful people. Had it not been for my current situation I would not have met this person and it would have been my loss. This is a special person with a gift and I thank them for this letter it means the world to me.
A few months later and many visits to an orthopedic along with an MRI I had tendonitis in my knee. It took about four months to fully recover from this injury and I took my rehabilitation very seriously because I had to run again to prove to myself I can finish another marathon. At the beginning of this year I had loft running goals which were to run in three marathons; March Los Angeles, June San Diego, and November New York. Well most of us know what happened four days prior to the first scheduled marathon in March. I was fortunate enough to run in the La Jolla Half Marathon in April but again I injured myself leading up to the San Diego marathon in June. It took a few months to recover from the calf injury but I couldn't run in the New York marathon because I needed one more week of training.
Which leads me to this weekend. I am running in (of all places!) the Las Vegas Marathon on Sunday morning. Las Vegas has had a marathon for the past 25 years but this year they have finally changed the course and moved the marathon to December; it was previously run in late January and the course was not very exciting. This year the marathon starts and ends at Mandalay Bay and goes down the strip towards downtown through the Fremont Street Experience and loops around before finishing at Mandalay Bay. I needed to run a marathon before the year is out and Sunday is my last chance.
Some may say Las Vegas is a very peculiar place to chose to run a marathon for a compulsive gambler and you may be right. My family will be with me and like I have said before I am committed to my recovery one day at a time and I am happy to go back to a place where both of my children were born. Las Vegas for all its bad has a warm place in my heart because two blessing from God were bestowed upon me while I resided in this city. My children are fabulous and I will always think of warmly of Las Vegas because who knows had my wife NOT moved to Las Vegas who is to say my children may not have been born and it would have been my loss.
Tomorrow morning we drive off to Las Vegas where I will see a dear friend for the first time in a very long time. This friend has had their share of ups in downs in the past nine months but has always had time for me; calling whenever they had a free moment to see how I was doing. It is hard to believe it has been 10 years since I first met this person and I am so glad they are a part of my life. Relationships, honesty, God, family are truly what matters to me. The worldly possessions can be gone but as long as I have those four things in my life everything will be work out; it already has.
Needless; to say I will not be posting tomorrow but I will be back on Sunday night to recap the weekend. The marathon starts at 6:00 am Pacific Time and believe it or not it will be 32 degrees in Las Vegas at that time. By the time I finish the temperature should be in the 50's. I am a bit apprehensive about the start time because not only will it be cold but the sun doesn't rise until 6:40 am; it should be interesting. There are some people I know from town that are running as well and we plan to run together as long as we can. I am looking forward to the marathon and being back in a place that holds very special memories for me.
One last item; I received a letter today from a remarkable person. I am truly blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful people. Had it not been for my current situation I would not have met this person and it would have been my loss. This is a special person with a gift and I thank them for this letter it means the world to me.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Gambling Young
It is so hard to believe this is the first day of December and the year is nearly over; time sure does fly!! Life for me took an interesting turn nine months ago and it took a turn for the better not the worse. The worse is what I have done to my family and myself by NOT being willing to admit I am a compulsive gambler. Nine months ago I finally took a step in the right direction and admitted I am and will always be a compulsive gambler. I have met so many fascinating and wonderful people over the past nine months and I am blessed to have these people in my life.
Part of me admitting I am and will always be a compulsive gambler requires assistance and this assistance has come in the Gamblers Anonymous Program. I am forever grateful for this Program because it has saved my life. Without the Program and the truly incredible members I would be lost but now I am found. I found myself and no I am NOT a bad person, yes, I made some bad decisions and I will face the consequences of those bad decisions in the coming months. However; I know I am doing the right thing each and every day by living honestly and NOT gambling.
A few months ago I did an interview with Al Roker Productions for a documentary to be aired on Court TV. The production is finished and it will air next Thursday December 8th at 8:00 pm Eastern Time and again at midnight on the same day Eastern Time. The name of the show is Al Roker Investigates: Kids, Cards and Dice. To read more about the show please click here for the press release. I have not seen the show and the first time I will see it is next Thursday (if I do watch it?) just like everyone else. The show's central theme is around young people and gambling. How do I fit into that you may ask; well my first real bet at a racetrack was when I was 12 years old and my first real bet with a bookmaker was when I was 16 years old. All of the statistics state; the younger you are when you start gambling the more likely you will become a compulsive gambler. My life is a testimonial for this previous statement.
Even though I got into trouble with gambling two other times in my life I never fully admitted I was a compulsive gambler and guess what it got progressively worse until I found myself in prison. Yes, I was in prison and will go back to prison because of my compulsive gambling addiction. It doesn't have to come to this and hopefully my story will help one person get help that desperately needs it before they found themselves in prison or worse. I don't know if this is selfish on my part but I want my story to be heard. Yes, it happened to me and it can happen to anyone if they are not honest and open with themselves.
Here is a quote from Jake who is a 20 year old recovery compulsive gambler who started gambling when he was 12 years old; "It's unfortunate there's not more awareness on compulsive gambling. No one ever told me about it when I was younger. Even if it's just for fun, it's setting patterns (for gambling)." Jake is very fortunate to have found recovery at a such a young age. I wasn't as intelligent and neglected my true feelings when I was his age.
Yes, gambling is fun but for some it is fun then it is fun with problems and then it is just PROBLEMS. Children as young as 8 years old are learning how to play poker (Texas Hold'em). Most of these children will go on to lead normal productive lives but 5% will develop a gambling problem. Can I save the world? Absolutely not!! Can I save one person? I hope so because by NOT gambling it has saved my life.
Part of me admitting I am and will always be a compulsive gambler requires assistance and this assistance has come in the Gamblers Anonymous Program. I am forever grateful for this Program because it has saved my life. Without the Program and the truly incredible members I would be lost but now I am found. I found myself and no I am NOT a bad person, yes, I made some bad decisions and I will face the consequences of those bad decisions in the coming months. However; I know I am doing the right thing each and every day by living honestly and NOT gambling.
A few months ago I did an interview with Al Roker Productions for a documentary to be aired on Court TV. The production is finished and it will air next Thursday December 8th at 8:00 pm Eastern Time and again at midnight on the same day Eastern Time. The name of the show is Al Roker Investigates: Kids, Cards and Dice. To read more about the show please click here for the press release. I have not seen the show and the first time I will see it is next Thursday (if I do watch it?) just like everyone else. The show's central theme is around young people and gambling. How do I fit into that you may ask; well my first real bet at a racetrack was when I was 12 years old and my first real bet with a bookmaker was when I was 16 years old. All of the statistics state; the younger you are when you start gambling the more likely you will become a compulsive gambler. My life is a testimonial for this previous statement.
Even though I got into trouble with gambling two other times in my life I never fully admitted I was a compulsive gambler and guess what it got progressively worse until I found myself in prison. Yes, I was in prison and will go back to prison because of my compulsive gambling addiction. It doesn't have to come to this and hopefully my story will help one person get help that desperately needs it before they found themselves in prison or worse. I don't know if this is selfish on my part but I want my story to be heard. Yes, it happened to me and it can happen to anyone if they are not honest and open with themselves.
Here is a quote from Jake who is a 20 year old recovery compulsive gambler who started gambling when he was 12 years old; "It's unfortunate there's not more awareness on compulsive gambling. No one ever told me about it when I was younger. Even if it's just for fun, it's setting patterns (for gambling)." Jake is very fortunate to have found recovery at a such a young age. I wasn't as intelligent and neglected my true feelings when I was his age.
Yes, gambling is fun but for some it is fun then it is fun with problems and then it is just PROBLEMS. Children as young as 8 years old are learning how to play poker (Texas Hold'em). Most of these children will go on to lead normal productive lives but 5% will develop a gambling problem. Can I save the world? Absolutely not!! Can I save one person? I hope so because by NOT gambling it has saved my life.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Pig Part II and Greed
All is good with the world according to my seven year old daughter. Yesterday I wrote about her "mechanical pig" and how it broke. Well today she got up enough courage and told her teacher about the pig breaking its leg and wouldn't you know there were replacement pigs!! Her teacher didn't give her any grief because my daughter put enough grief on herself and her teacher gave her a new mechanical pig.
I picked up my daughter from school and the first thing she said to me was; "guess what, I got another pig," with here eyes so very wide and a smile from ear to ear. She went on to say, "I promised MYSELF I wouldn't throw the pig up in the air again". I guess we made a point with her yesterday because she didn't say I promise mom or dad she said I promised MYSELF. I think this is wonderful and the pig has all its legs in tact as of this evening. Now if she could keep her little brother away from the pig the pig will be guaranteed a long and healthy life but with him around we shall see!!
Little things in life do go a long way and I am so happy to finally witness these little things and genuinely enjoy each and every moment. My daughter made a huge break through (in my opinion) from yesterday to today and I am so very proud of her.
Gordon Gecko from the film Wall Street made the famous or rather infamous speech about greed and I think most of us remember the speech but I will recount the first few words; "Greed for lack of a better word is good....." I always thought this was a great thing and I loved that scene from the movie but nine months ago this greed for money went by the wayside. Greed for life, for people, for charity, for my family, for my friends is good but greed for money is a very bad thing as witnessed by a former member of Congress.
There is a congressman from San Diego who resigned yesterday because he was taking bribes and I had a long discussion with a few other Gamblers Anonymous members about this particular member of Congress. This member of Congress had it all; a decorated Vietnam veteran and a highly respected long time member of Congress but he got caught up in greed. No, he didn't have a gambling problem rather it appears he was addicted to money and material items. He resigned in a very tearful speech and he is in his 60's. He is facing 10 years in a Federal Prison and has lost all of his worldly possessions according to his speech and the indictment. I don't know about his family situation because to me this is what matters most. I can lose my house, my money and my personal effects but if I were to lose my wife and children I don't know what I would do.
Another few years doing what I was doing and not getting help with my compulsive gambling I would have lost my wife and children because there would have been so much damage done. I am so very happy I have stopped gambling and sought help for my problem. I can only imagine what is going on in this former member of Congress' mind and I would imagine it not to be so good. Would it have been better if he were addicted to gambling; I don't know because unfortunately an addiction is an addiction. Whether it is alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, shopping, money, etc,. it is still an addiction which is caused by the individual's brain. I don't know if the brains are hardwired differently for people with addictions but it really is a sad thing to see respected people fall from grace.
Humans are a fallible species and we all have our faults God knows I have many but my heart goes out to anyone with an addiction because I know first hand what damage an addiction can do if left unchecked.
Life to me is about relationships and I know I screwed up a great many of my relationships do to my inability to recognize my gambling addiction. However; after nine months of NOT gambling and living honestly I have new relationships and these are real relationships with real people who understand what addictions can do. I still have some very good relationships from real people who seemed to understand me better than I understood myself when I was gambling. I thank God for all of these wonderful people and my extraordinary family because without them I would be truly lost.
I picked up my daughter from school and the first thing she said to me was; "guess what, I got another pig," with here eyes so very wide and a smile from ear to ear. She went on to say, "I promised MYSELF I wouldn't throw the pig up in the air again". I guess we made a point with her yesterday because she didn't say I promise mom or dad she said I promised MYSELF. I think this is wonderful and the pig has all its legs in tact as of this evening. Now if she could keep her little brother away from the pig the pig will be guaranteed a long and healthy life but with him around we shall see!!
Little things in life do go a long way and I am so happy to finally witness these little things and genuinely enjoy each and every moment. My daughter made a huge break through (in my opinion) from yesterday to today and I am so very proud of her.
Gordon Gecko from the film Wall Street made the famous or rather infamous speech about greed and I think most of us remember the speech but I will recount the first few words; "Greed for lack of a better word is good....." I always thought this was a great thing and I loved that scene from the movie but nine months ago this greed for money went by the wayside. Greed for life, for people, for charity, for my family, for my friends is good but greed for money is a very bad thing as witnessed by a former member of Congress.
There is a congressman from San Diego who resigned yesterday because he was taking bribes and I had a long discussion with a few other Gamblers Anonymous members about this particular member of Congress. This member of Congress had it all; a decorated Vietnam veteran and a highly respected long time member of Congress but he got caught up in greed. No, he didn't have a gambling problem rather it appears he was addicted to money and material items. He resigned in a very tearful speech and he is in his 60's. He is facing 10 years in a Federal Prison and has lost all of his worldly possessions according to his speech and the indictment. I don't know about his family situation because to me this is what matters most. I can lose my house, my money and my personal effects but if I were to lose my wife and children I don't know what I would do.
Another few years doing what I was doing and not getting help with my compulsive gambling I would have lost my wife and children because there would have been so much damage done. I am so very happy I have stopped gambling and sought help for my problem. I can only imagine what is going on in this former member of Congress' mind and I would imagine it not to be so good. Would it have been better if he were addicted to gambling; I don't know because unfortunately an addiction is an addiction. Whether it is alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, shopping, money, etc,. it is still an addiction which is caused by the individual's brain. I don't know if the brains are hardwired differently for people with addictions but it really is a sad thing to see respected people fall from grace.
Humans are a fallible species and we all have our faults God knows I have many but my heart goes out to anyone with an addiction because I know first hand what damage an addiction can do if left unchecked.
Life to me is about relationships and I know I screwed up a great many of my relationships do to my inability to recognize my gambling addiction. However; after nine months of NOT gambling and living honestly I have new relationships and these are real relationships with real people who understand what addictions can do. I still have some very good relationships from real people who seemed to understand me better than I understood myself when I was gambling. I thank God for all of these wonderful people and my extraordinary family because without them I would be truly lost.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
My Daughter
I went into my daughter's room this morning to see if she was getting ready for school. As I walked into the room I noticed my daughter was still in bed and she asked me if she had Brownies (Little Girl Scouts) today? I thought she didn't but I doubled checked with my wife and my wife said no, she didn't have Brownies today but next Tuesday. I relayed this information to my seven year old daughter who didn't believe her mother and proceeded to explain to me that she didn't have Brownies last week because there was no school and she SHOULD have Brownies today.
She wanted further verification and I asked her if she wanted me to telephone the Brownie troop leader and she said yes. I dialed the telephone and told the troop leader (who incidentally is a very dear friend of my wife and me) that my daughter needed to ask her something. My daughter got on the telephone and asked the troop leader if she had Brownies today and troop leader replied no they didn't have a meeting today but they will have one next Tuesday. My daughter thanked the leader and she handed the telephone back to me. I briefly spoke with our friend and she didn't mind receiving the telephone call so early in the morning and then I hung up.
After I hung up the telephone my daughter still couldn't understand why she didn't have a Brownie meeting today because she was so insistent that the meetings are every two weeks and they should have had one today. I told her sometimes the schedule is a little different than every two weeks and it is fine that the meeting is next Tuesday.
I really think my daughter hated the fact that she was wrong because she was so persistent on the schedule of every two weeks on a Tuesday. I wonder where she gets this persistentcy from and the inability to admit she was wrong??? It really is amazing to watch how her brain operates because it is fascinating how she processes everything. I remember as a little kid probably somewhere around my daughter's age always internalizing things. I can see this in my daughter; she takes being wrong very personally like I did for a number of years. I don't know when but it was before my "episode" that I realized life is not about being right and wrong and when I am wrong I do promptly admit it. I know she will learn because she is a great child and will be a great person and I do enjoy watching these little moments.
My daughter came home from school with two surprises. The first surprise was an eleven and one board game that she won from her fundraiser. The second surprise was a yellow mechanical pig that every student received because today was "Pig Race Day" at her school. I don't know if this is a traditional or a one shot deal but every student received a mechanical pig after racing the pigs in the student assembly. It was a thank you from the administrators for having such a great fundraiser.
My daughter ran up to see me and show me her surprises; she was so happy and proud to show me these gifts. Her eyes were beaming as she was recounted the pig race story and how she received the game and the mechanical pig. She wanted so much to show the pig to her grandmother who is affectionately known as "Grandma Piggy" and as she was telling me the story she was throwing the pig up in the air as she tends to do with everything even though Mom and Dad constantly tell her NOT to throw things in the air. As she threw the pig in the air she failed to catch it and it fell to the floor and one of its mechanical legs broke. The mechanical pig is supposed to walk across the floor; however; now my daughter's pig has a broken leg and doesn't walk across the floor anymore. She went from exceedingly happy to devastation in a matter of seconds. It was as if the world had come to an end because she had broken her pig.
She cried uncontrollably for a long time. I did my best to comfort her but there was a lesson to be learned and that lesson was to take care of her things or they break. She hated herself which is not a good thing for a parent to hear but I wanted her to remember this episode as to not repeat it again. After about an hour of uncontrollable sobbing she finally stopped when my wife and I spoke with her and we did mention that we would bring the pig back to school tomorrow to see if there was a replacement; however; as we told her it does not guarantee her a new pig and most importantly she must take care of her things.
We tried to teach her a lesson and it was incredible watching her go from happy to sad in a blink of an eye. Yes, everything is important to seven year old and they do think the world revolves around them. This is fine when you are are seven but it is not okay as you get older and it is certainly not acceptable when you are a parent. Life has little lessons and sometimes it takes awhile to learn things; I am slowly learning each and every day. I am blessed by these little events and I do love my family with all my heart. My daughter is a special person and she will find happiness even if there is no replacement pig.
She wanted further verification and I asked her if she wanted me to telephone the Brownie troop leader and she said yes. I dialed the telephone and told the troop leader (who incidentally is a very dear friend of my wife and me) that my daughter needed to ask her something. My daughter got on the telephone and asked the troop leader if she had Brownies today and troop leader replied no they didn't have a meeting today but they will have one next Tuesday. My daughter thanked the leader and she handed the telephone back to me. I briefly spoke with our friend and she didn't mind receiving the telephone call so early in the morning and then I hung up.
After I hung up the telephone my daughter still couldn't understand why she didn't have a Brownie meeting today because she was so insistent that the meetings are every two weeks and they should have had one today. I told her sometimes the schedule is a little different than every two weeks and it is fine that the meeting is next Tuesday.
I really think my daughter hated the fact that she was wrong because she was so persistent on the schedule of every two weeks on a Tuesday. I wonder where she gets this persistentcy from and the inability to admit she was wrong??? It really is amazing to watch how her brain operates because it is fascinating how she processes everything. I remember as a little kid probably somewhere around my daughter's age always internalizing things. I can see this in my daughter; she takes being wrong very personally like I did for a number of years. I don't know when but it was before my "episode" that I realized life is not about being right and wrong and when I am wrong I do promptly admit it. I know she will learn because she is a great child and will be a great person and I do enjoy watching these little moments.
My daughter came home from school with two surprises. The first surprise was an eleven and one board game that she won from her fundraiser. The second surprise was a yellow mechanical pig that every student received because today was "Pig Race Day" at her school. I don't know if this is a traditional or a one shot deal but every student received a mechanical pig after racing the pigs in the student assembly. It was a thank you from the administrators for having such a great fundraiser.
My daughter ran up to see me and show me her surprises; she was so happy and proud to show me these gifts. Her eyes were beaming as she was recounted the pig race story and how she received the game and the mechanical pig. She wanted so much to show the pig to her grandmother who is affectionately known as "Grandma Piggy" and as she was telling me the story she was throwing the pig up in the air as she tends to do with everything even though Mom and Dad constantly tell her NOT to throw things in the air. As she threw the pig in the air she failed to catch it and it fell to the floor and one of its mechanical legs broke. The mechanical pig is supposed to walk across the floor; however; now my daughter's pig has a broken leg and doesn't walk across the floor anymore. She went from exceedingly happy to devastation in a matter of seconds. It was as if the world had come to an end because she had broken her pig.
She cried uncontrollably for a long time. I did my best to comfort her but there was a lesson to be learned and that lesson was to take care of her things or they break. She hated herself which is not a good thing for a parent to hear but I wanted her to remember this episode as to not repeat it again. After about an hour of uncontrollable sobbing she finally stopped when my wife and I spoke with her and we did mention that we would bring the pig back to school tomorrow to see if there was a replacement; however; as we told her it does not guarantee her a new pig and most importantly she must take care of her things.
We tried to teach her a lesson and it was incredible watching her go from happy to sad in a blink of an eye. Yes, everything is important to seven year old and they do think the world revolves around them. This is fine when you are are seven but it is not okay as you get older and it is certainly not acceptable when you are a parent. Life has little lessons and sometimes it takes awhile to learn things; I am slowly learning each and every day. I am blessed by these little events and I do love my family with all my heart. My daughter is a special person and she will find happiness even if there is no replacement pig.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Nine Months
I ran across two articles today on compulsive gambling. The first article tells the story of Whit Criswell in 1984. There are eerie similarities to Mr. Criswell story and mine but the morale (at least to me) is he made it through and now it is 20 years later and life got better. Here is the full story. The second story tells the story of Linda Selymes and her gambling addiction. Mrs. Selymes is a highly educated retiree who found too much time and too little to do so she decided to play blackjack. It took over her life and her finances. Here is the full story on her gambling addiction.
The stories continue each and every day someone somewhere will become addicted to gambling and the disease takes no prisoners it actually makes prisoners of those severely addicted. I know for me the only to control the gambling is to NOT do it. I have learned this the hard way and that is the way it goes for me but those of you on the roller coaster of gambling it is never too late to stop no matter what.
I chose to make my last wager nine months from today and it has been a very interesting nine months. I have been terminated from my job; I have been in prison and I have seen my life get better. How can someone who has lost their job and been incarcerated have their life get better; you may ask. Well, I have stopped the insanity and have honestly looked inside myself. What I did for the past 20 plus years led me to where I was nine months ago by denying my gambling problem. I no long deny; I fully admit I am powerless to gambling and my life has become unmanageable. By saying these words my life became better and continues to get better as each day passes. It is only the beginning of a new life with new meaning and purpose. Life does get better no matter how bad you may think things are there is always hope and with God's guidance each day becomes a blessing.
I blame no one for my addiction other than myself; however; this blame is short lived because any blame is counter productive to my recovery. Blaming provides no purpose it is just an excuse. I make a choice each day when I get up and today as it has been for the last nine months I made the choice NOT to gamble and live the day with an honest purpose. When I go to bed in the evening I thank God for giving me the strength to make it through the day and when I get up tomorrow I will do the same things. I like how the last nine months have worked out so I will continue this routine each day one day at a time.
The stories continue each and every day someone somewhere will become addicted to gambling and the disease takes no prisoners it actually makes prisoners of those severely addicted. I know for me the only to control the gambling is to NOT do it. I have learned this the hard way and that is the way it goes for me but those of you on the roller coaster of gambling it is never too late to stop no matter what.
I chose to make my last wager nine months from today and it has been a very interesting nine months. I have been terminated from my job; I have been in prison and I have seen my life get better. How can someone who has lost their job and been incarcerated have their life get better; you may ask. Well, I have stopped the insanity and have honestly looked inside myself. What I did for the past 20 plus years led me to where I was nine months ago by denying my gambling problem. I no long deny; I fully admit I am powerless to gambling and my life has become unmanageable. By saying these words my life became better and continues to get better as each day passes. It is only the beginning of a new life with new meaning and purpose. Life does get better no matter how bad you may think things are there is always hope and with God's guidance each day becomes a blessing.
I blame no one for my addiction other than myself; however; this blame is short lived because any blame is counter productive to my recovery. Blaming provides no purpose it is just an excuse. I make a choice each day when I get up and today as it has been for the last nine months I made the choice NOT to gamble and live the day with an honest purpose. When I go to bed in the evening I thank God for giving me the strength to make it through the day and when I get up tomorrow I will do the same things. I like how the last nine months have worked out so I will continue this routine each day one day at a time.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Christmas Decorations
Today was the day we as a family put out our Christmas decorations. I was in charge of putting the lights on the outside of the house and for the first time in five years I did not screw it up!! One year I put the lights on backwards; you may think this is impossible but when I got to the electrical outlet I had no prongs to plug in I had the other end. Instead of taking the lights down I ran an extension cord from the front of the house to the back of the house. Another year I put up lights without testing them and when I went to turn the lights on half of them did not work. Again instead of taking them down and putting up good lights I just put more lights on top of the lights that didn't work which caused the lights to fall down a few weeks later. The weight of the extra lights was too much for the hooks. I guess I was a little pre-occupied those years with other activities. Not this year; my full attention was on putting up the Christmas lights and like I said; I didn't screw it up this year. I guess miracles do happen when you stop gambling!
I did get a little melancholy as I took out the boxes of Christmas decorations because this may be my last Christmas with the family for a few years. I won't go into a pity party because I caused this to myself and to my family and I deserve what is coming to me. I must cherish what I have and not what could have been. The facts of the matter I got to put up the Christmas decorations with my family and I will enjoy each and every day of this holiday season. None of us knows what tomorrow will bring this is why I am finally enjoying today.
I can't believe all the Christmas decorations we have; I guess over the years we have managed to accumulate more things. The children do love the lights on the houses and it is so nice to see the joy in their eyes. My son said it very well as we turned on the outside Christmas lights; he said; "they are BEAUTIFUL." That in and of itself is priceless. Little moments like this one has eluded me for so long. I truly have a wonderful family and I am learning to cherish each and every day with them. I do so love them very much and I know whatever life throws at us we will deal with it as a family and we will deal with it one moment at a time.
The subject came up about evil people and evil deeds. Is an evil deed always performed by an evil person or can an evil deed be performed by a good person? I guess the judgment is best left up to the individual but from what I have seen there are some evil people in this world and they have done evil deeds and the flip side their are some good people who have done evil deeds. Which is worse? Doing anything evil is always bad regardless of whether you are good or evil person; however; sometimes people do make mistakes due to bad decision making and as long as they admit they made a mistake and are willing to make amends for this mistake they are doing the right thing. It is those people who blame everyone but themselves for their lot in life that need to come to terms first with themselves.
Yes, I made some poor decisions and I will suffer the consequences. It is not the end of me as some may want to think rather it is a beginning. I have a great deal to offer and I know it doesn't happen over night it is a gradual process. This process moves one day at a time. I cannot change any of those bad decisions. I take full responsibility for my actions and I am finally get the help I need. With this help and understanding of myself of who I truly am will allow me to not make these bad decisions as each day passes. There is no finish line or I guess the finish line is my last breath (which hopefully won't come for a long time!) and intend to cherish each and every day with a sense of pride and purpose.
I did get a little melancholy as I took out the boxes of Christmas decorations because this may be my last Christmas with the family for a few years. I won't go into a pity party because I caused this to myself and to my family and I deserve what is coming to me. I must cherish what I have and not what could have been. The facts of the matter I got to put up the Christmas decorations with my family and I will enjoy each and every day of this holiday season. None of us knows what tomorrow will bring this is why I am finally enjoying today.
I can't believe all the Christmas decorations we have; I guess over the years we have managed to accumulate more things. The children do love the lights on the houses and it is so nice to see the joy in their eyes. My son said it very well as we turned on the outside Christmas lights; he said; "they are BEAUTIFUL." That in and of itself is priceless. Little moments like this one has eluded me for so long. I truly have a wonderful family and I am learning to cherish each and every day with them. I do so love them very much and I know whatever life throws at us we will deal with it as a family and we will deal with it one moment at a time.
The subject came up about evil people and evil deeds. Is an evil deed always performed by an evil person or can an evil deed be performed by a good person? I guess the judgment is best left up to the individual but from what I have seen there are some evil people in this world and they have done evil deeds and the flip side their are some good people who have done evil deeds. Which is worse? Doing anything evil is always bad regardless of whether you are good or evil person; however; sometimes people do make mistakes due to bad decision making and as long as they admit they made a mistake and are willing to make amends for this mistake they are doing the right thing. It is those people who blame everyone but themselves for their lot in life that need to come to terms first with themselves.
Yes, I made some poor decisions and I will suffer the consequences. It is not the end of me as some may want to think rather it is a beginning. I have a great deal to offer and I know it doesn't happen over night it is a gradual process. This process moves one day at a time. I cannot change any of those bad decisions. I take full responsibility for my actions and I am finally get the help I need. With this help and understanding of myself of who I truly am will allow me to not make these bad decisions as each day passes. There is no finish line or I guess the finish line is my last breath (which hopefully won't come for a long time!) and intend to cherish each and every day with a sense of pride and purpose.
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Money
Today as I attended the Saturday Morning Gamblers Anonymous something really resonated with me; one of the members was sharing and as they were sharing I finally figured out what has triggered my gambling. It may seem very simplistic and not all that exciting but what has triggered my gambling of the past was MONEY. No, it wasn't to get more money it was my ability to have money. This may not make any sense but my first real bet with a bookmaker when I was 16 years old was made when I started working my first part-time job in high school. This meant I was going to get a paycheck and I decided not to buy things with my paycheck rather to gamble; not a very intelligent move. Two years later I got into trouble with a bookmaker and owed them a lot more money than my paycheck because compulsive gambling is a progressive disease and the stakes got steadily higher.
I was let off the hook for this gambling debt and didn't return to gambling until five years later when I got out of college and started working my first real job with real money. I had a steady paycheck and again made a bad decision and started gambling. Over the course of the next four years it got steadily worse and this time I didn't owe bookmakers rather credit card companies. Again; I was let off the hook by declaring bankruptcy. Another five years goes by I get on my feet financially and discover this thing called the internet and went back to gambling because I had the ability to get money.
After 7 years I am in a horrible situation and I will NOT be let off the hook this time. All the while I never even thought about the money aspect because even though it was about the money it never was about the money. Money was a facilitator in my gambling it was never my intention to get rich from gambling. I wanted to prove to myself I could gamble like other people and I was so wrong it is not funny. I fooled myself for 23 years thinking I could get away with everything and not suffer the consequences. I am making up for lost time because what I did to myself and my family is horrendous because I was NOT honest with myself.
I cannot gamble like normal people because to me normal gambling is thousands and thousands of dollars on countless games every day. This is not normal but for the last 7 years up until about 9 months ago it was normal for me and as each day passed the stakes got higher and higher. My first bet when I was 16 years old was for $25 and my last bet was for $10,000. When Gamblers Anonymous speaks of compulsive gambling as being a progressive disease which never gets better only worse; I can tell anyone who is willing to listen GA is so very correct.
I remember going to Las Vegas when I was a freshman at the University of Southern California in the fall of 1983 and placing a wager on a Pittsburgh Steeler football game for $300 and fast forward 21 years and I was in Las Vegas and placed $15,000 worth of bets along with another $15,000 worth of bets on the Internet on baseball games on a Thursday night; just another day at the office. Yes, this was stupid and is beyond comprehension.
I have not made a wager in almost 9 months for a few reasons and the most notable reason is the Gamblers Anonymous Program and the second reason is I have finally become honest with myself. Another reason is the money and the ability to get money has diminished from my life and this is a good thing. The true test will come in 10 years when all of the legal dust has settled and life will continue to go on. I cannot get to the 10 year mark until I complete one day at a time. Today I did not gamble and I have been honest with myself and that is all I can concentrate on. I have identified a few of my character flaws and I am working to correct them. As long as I stay true to myself and my family today and not gamble life will continue to improve. It has improved so much in the past 9 months and I expect to improve one day at a time.
I was let off the hook for this gambling debt and didn't return to gambling until five years later when I got out of college and started working my first real job with real money. I had a steady paycheck and again made a bad decision and started gambling. Over the course of the next four years it got steadily worse and this time I didn't owe bookmakers rather credit card companies. Again; I was let off the hook by declaring bankruptcy. Another five years goes by I get on my feet financially and discover this thing called the internet and went back to gambling because I had the ability to get money.
After 7 years I am in a horrible situation and I will NOT be let off the hook this time. All the while I never even thought about the money aspect because even though it was about the money it never was about the money. Money was a facilitator in my gambling it was never my intention to get rich from gambling. I wanted to prove to myself I could gamble like other people and I was so wrong it is not funny. I fooled myself for 23 years thinking I could get away with everything and not suffer the consequences. I am making up for lost time because what I did to myself and my family is horrendous because I was NOT honest with myself.
I cannot gamble like normal people because to me normal gambling is thousands and thousands of dollars on countless games every day. This is not normal but for the last 7 years up until about 9 months ago it was normal for me and as each day passed the stakes got higher and higher. My first bet when I was 16 years old was for $25 and my last bet was for $10,000. When Gamblers Anonymous speaks of compulsive gambling as being a progressive disease which never gets better only worse; I can tell anyone who is willing to listen GA is so very correct.
I remember going to Las Vegas when I was a freshman at the University of Southern California in the fall of 1983 and placing a wager on a Pittsburgh Steeler football game for $300 and fast forward 21 years and I was in Las Vegas and placed $15,000 worth of bets along with another $15,000 worth of bets on the Internet on baseball games on a Thursday night; just another day at the office. Yes, this was stupid and is beyond comprehension.
I have not made a wager in almost 9 months for a few reasons and the most notable reason is the Gamblers Anonymous Program and the second reason is I have finally become honest with myself. Another reason is the money and the ability to get money has diminished from my life and this is a good thing. The true test will come in 10 years when all of the legal dust has settled and life will continue to go on. I cannot get to the 10 year mark until I complete one day at a time. Today I did not gamble and I have been honest with myself and that is all I can concentrate on. I have identified a few of my character flaws and I am working to correct them. As long as I stay true to myself and my family today and not gamble life will continue to improve. It has improved so much in the past 9 months and I expect to improve one day at a time.
Friday, November 25, 2005
Cured?
One paragraph from the article written in University of Las Vegas' Newspaper stated the following; "The PGC has cured over two-thirds of the problem gamblers that have came and seen them. They have also helped countless others, according to Preston said." My eyes were immediately drawn to the word CURED; what does this mean? Sixty seven percent of these problem gamblers had there compulsive gambling disorder CURED? I would hope to read more about this in the medical journals because to me there is no cure. The only way for me a compulsive gambler to "cure" my compulsive gambling is to NOT DO IT TODAY. At least I know for today I am "cured".
The article refers to an "intensive" outpatient program consisting of four sessions a week for six weeks. Does this mean the problem gambling is then cured after entering this program? I know for me it is a daily battle and this daily battle will last as long as I am alive which I hope is a very long time. I think it is wonderful there are programs all across this country to treat problem gamblers but I am not sure if "cured" is the right word.
To me; compulsive gambling is a disease which NEVER can be "cured" only arrested as it states in the Gamblers Anonymous Program. It is like have a tumor which is not removed but is not cancerous; however; can turn cancerous on any given day if I am not careful with my diet, exercise and peace of mind. My compulsive gambling disorder got worse over the course of my adult life it never got better because I let it lie dormant. Finally after 20 plus years I am not letting lie dormant; I have given it up because I CANNOT control my gambling nor do I have any desire to ever control my gambling. My life has been thrown into chaos because of my neglect. I know I can arrest this addiction but I cannot do it myself. I need help and I am seeking as much help as possible.
Ninety-five percent of the U.S. population doesn't have a problem with gambling. I am in the five percent which have a problem with gambling. It is something inside my brain and if I start thinking I am like the ninety-five percent it will lead me into self-destruction. I have seen my self-destruction over the last 20 plus years and I don't like where it has taken me. I am embarking on a new life in many ways and this will be without the thought or action of gambling because I cannot do it.
We have a fantastic member in GA who puts things into perspective and their creed which I firmly believe and associate with is; "there are many things in this life I CAN control but gambling is not one of them." I can control my diet, my exercise routine and the choices in my life but I too CANNOT control my gambling and this is okay. Life without gambling is a wonderful because all of the lies and deceit that came with gambling made me a very bad person. Now without the gambling the lies and deceit have gone away and I am starting to be a better person as each day passes. It is a long road with no finish line which is why it (for me) has to be lived one day at time.
The article refers to an "intensive" outpatient program consisting of four sessions a week for six weeks. Does this mean the problem gambling is then cured after entering this program? I know for me it is a daily battle and this daily battle will last as long as I am alive which I hope is a very long time. I think it is wonderful there are programs all across this country to treat problem gamblers but I am not sure if "cured" is the right word.
To me; compulsive gambling is a disease which NEVER can be "cured" only arrested as it states in the Gamblers Anonymous Program. It is like have a tumor which is not removed but is not cancerous; however; can turn cancerous on any given day if I am not careful with my diet, exercise and peace of mind. My compulsive gambling disorder got worse over the course of my adult life it never got better because I let it lie dormant. Finally after 20 plus years I am not letting lie dormant; I have given it up because I CANNOT control my gambling nor do I have any desire to ever control my gambling. My life has been thrown into chaos because of my neglect. I know I can arrest this addiction but I cannot do it myself. I need help and I am seeking as much help as possible.
Ninety-five percent of the U.S. population doesn't have a problem with gambling. I am in the five percent which have a problem with gambling. It is something inside my brain and if I start thinking I am like the ninety-five percent it will lead me into self-destruction. I have seen my self-destruction over the last 20 plus years and I don't like where it has taken me. I am embarking on a new life in many ways and this will be without the thought or action of gambling because I cannot do it.
We have a fantastic member in GA who puts things into perspective and their creed which I firmly believe and associate with is; "there are many things in this life I CAN control but gambling is not one of them." I can control my diet, my exercise routine and the choices in my life but I too CANNOT control my gambling and this is okay. Life without gambling is a wonderful because all of the lies and deceit that came with gambling made me a very bad person. Now without the gambling the lies and deceit have gone away and I am starting to be a better person as each day passes. It is a long road with no finish line which is why it (for me) has to be lived one day at time.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
I would like to wish everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving. I hope everyone had a wonderful and safe holiday. Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks. It is the one American holiday which gifts are not required. It is a holiday to be spent with loved ones; whether those loved ones are family or friends it makes no difference. I have been so blessed because I spent Thanksgiving with my family and some very special friends. It was a magnificent day and I have so much to be thankful for.
In the past I took this holiday and many other holiday and for that matter many other days for granted. I didn't stop and give thanks for the wondrous blessings in my life. I would like to take this time to thank everyone for their support. Without this support I would be in a very dark and desperate place. Now I am in a place with much hope and happiness. My appreciation for everyone has grown so much and thank you for my the bottom of my heart. I love everyone.
I don't know why it has taken me so long to understand how good I have it in life but I am thankful for finally learning. I was able to spend this Thanksgiving with fantastic people and I have so many things to be thankful for. I am thankful for my family without them I do not exist. I am thankful for my wonderful friends who have stood behind me through this terrible ordeal. I am thankful for God without his guidance my life would be dark and would lack purpose. I am thankful for the roof over my head, the food in the pantry and the love that surrounds me. Without all of these things life would be very difficult.
As I head into the holiday season it is very difficult not to reflect back on holidays past but they are gone and are fond memories in my heart and mind. The key though is that they are gone forever and I cannot linger in those thoughts. It is nice to visit but it is a very detrimental place if I were to stay. Staying in the past means I am not learning or growing in my recovery. Yes, I am recovering and will continue to recover from a compulsive gambling addiction for the rest of my life. I must maintain this thought today because over the past 8 months and 27 days I have found out so much about myself and I am starting to like the results. I cannot forget what I have done to those people who love me or I am bound to make the same mistakes. These same mistakes would be catastrophic because it would end in despair.
Today I have hope and that is all that matters to me. I have hope in my family, friends and all that surrounds me. Having this hope means the world to me because it makes each day so much more enjoyable. Without hope brings that despair and despair is a destructive force. I am trying to stay away from destructive forces each and every day and concentrate on the positive. These positives give me strength to live each and every day with a purpose and with the Grace of God. I am trying to get out of the way and let God guide me forward. Sometimes it is hard because my mind works in very strange ways but without this guidance, strength and hope I would move backwards. I make a choice each and every day to move forward not backward. By moving forward it takes me one step closer to the true person that I am. I am finding this person one step at a time.
Again, I would like to thank everyone for allowing me to be a part of their lives. I am so blessed to have all these amazing people in my life; I hope everyone had a safe, happy and superb Thanksgiving.
In the past I took this holiday and many other holiday and for that matter many other days for granted. I didn't stop and give thanks for the wondrous blessings in my life. I would like to take this time to thank everyone for their support. Without this support I would be in a very dark and desperate place. Now I am in a place with much hope and happiness. My appreciation for everyone has grown so much and thank you for my the bottom of my heart. I love everyone.
I don't know why it has taken me so long to understand how good I have it in life but I am thankful for finally learning. I was able to spend this Thanksgiving with fantastic people and I have so many things to be thankful for. I am thankful for my family without them I do not exist. I am thankful for my wonderful friends who have stood behind me through this terrible ordeal. I am thankful for God without his guidance my life would be dark and would lack purpose. I am thankful for the roof over my head, the food in the pantry and the love that surrounds me. Without all of these things life would be very difficult.
As I head into the holiday season it is very difficult not to reflect back on holidays past but they are gone and are fond memories in my heart and mind. The key though is that they are gone forever and I cannot linger in those thoughts. It is nice to visit but it is a very detrimental place if I were to stay. Staying in the past means I am not learning or growing in my recovery. Yes, I am recovering and will continue to recover from a compulsive gambling addiction for the rest of my life. I must maintain this thought today because over the past 8 months and 27 days I have found out so much about myself and I am starting to like the results. I cannot forget what I have done to those people who love me or I am bound to make the same mistakes. These same mistakes would be catastrophic because it would end in despair.
Today I have hope and that is all that matters to me. I have hope in my family, friends and all that surrounds me. Having this hope means the world to me because it makes each day so much more enjoyable. Without hope brings that despair and despair is a destructive force. I am trying to stay away from destructive forces each and every day and concentrate on the positive. These positives give me strength to live each and every day with a purpose and with the Grace of God. I am trying to get out of the way and let God guide me forward. Sometimes it is hard because my mind works in very strange ways but without this guidance, strength and hope I would move backwards. I make a choice each and every day to move forward not backward. By moving forward it takes me one step closer to the true person that I am. I am finding this person one step at a time.
Again, I would like to thank everyone for allowing me to be a part of their lives. I am so blessed to have all these amazing people in my life; I hope everyone had a safe, happy and superb Thanksgiving.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Compassion
Kindness, compassion and caring are words which are not used often enough in my opinion. There are so many people in my life who have showed these characteristics toward me over these past 8 months. Actually I have only noticed this over the past 8 months but some of those people who have been part of my life for a very long time have ALWAYS exhibited these characteristics because they are good people.
I trust I have not been a BAD person all my life or I wouldn't have these people in my life. It is so nice to be surrounded by these positive emotions even though what I had done to some of these people may have seem unforgivable. If I were a truly bad person I wouldn't be able to write this blog and I would be still sitting in jail. It has taken a great deal to get me to finally realize I am and will always be a compulsive gambler but thank God it has finally happened.
Compulsive gambling is truly an insidious and baffling addiction and for me has been a life long struggle. Maybe God had planned it this way because without me finally acknowledging I am a compulsive gambler I would not have met many of these kind, caring and compassionate people. I am blessed beyond belief with all the caring and kindness in my life. This compassion has gone a long way in my recovery and keeps me going each and every day.
Thank God there are more good people in this world than bad. Is it easier to disassociate yourself with someone who has done some bad things or is it easier to show support and compassion for someone who has done these bad things. I think it would be easier to run away and say "I knew this person was bad all along" but it takes a person with character to stand up and support someone who is truly down. I have more of these type of people in my life and in fact every one currently in my life has been extremely compassionate with their support and giving.
What would I do if the situation were reversed? I would like to think I have learned something over the past 8 months and I would show support and compassion but not having the Gamblers Anonymous Program in my life I am not sure what I would have done. I do know prior to my "situation" I was able to help people at my previous employer both employees and customers. I always wanted to do what was best for them and I seemed to believe people more often than not. What I didn't do was look inside myself and do what was best for me and my family.
I certainly can't change what I have done in the past and must concentrate on today and today only. I must do what is best for me and my family which is getting continuing help with my compulsive gambling addiction. Without this help I am destined to repeat those mistakes of the past and I don't want to go back there because I will go back there alone. Those wonderful compassionate people can only take so much pain before cutting their ties and I have no intention of going back to my old habits. I need to live one day at time and this will be lived with purpose, honesty, compassion, caring and kindness.
My heart, prayers and thoughts go out to my step mother Pat who lost her mother this week. May God bless you and your family in this time of grieving. Pat you have blessed our family and especially my Dad; we all love you so very much and if there is anything we can do please do not hesitate to ask.
I trust I have not been a BAD person all my life or I wouldn't have these people in my life. It is so nice to be surrounded by these positive emotions even though what I had done to some of these people may have seem unforgivable. If I were a truly bad person I wouldn't be able to write this blog and I would be still sitting in jail. It has taken a great deal to get me to finally realize I am and will always be a compulsive gambler but thank God it has finally happened.
Compulsive gambling is truly an insidious and baffling addiction and for me has been a life long struggle. Maybe God had planned it this way because without me finally acknowledging I am a compulsive gambler I would not have met many of these kind, caring and compassionate people. I am blessed beyond belief with all the caring and kindness in my life. This compassion has gone a long way in my recovery and keeps me going each and every day.
Thank God there are more good people in this world than bad. Is it easier to disassociate yourself with someone who has done some bad things or is it easier to show support and compassion for someone who has done these bad things. I think it would be easier to run away and say "I knew this person was bad all along" but it takes a person with character to stand up and support someone who is truly down. I have more of these type of people in my life and in fact every one currently in my life has been extremely compassionate with their support and giving.
What would I do if the situation were reversed? I would like to think I have learned something over the past 8 months and I would show support and compassion but not having the Gamblers Anonymous Program in my life I am not sure what I would have done. I do know prior to my "situation" I was able to help people at my previous employer both employees and customers. I always wanted to do what was best for them and I seemed to believe people more often than not. What I didn't do was look inside myself and do what was best for me and my family.
I certainly can't change what I have done in the past and must concentrate on today and today only. I must do what is best for me and my family which is getting continuing help with my compulsive gambling addiction. Without this help I am destined to repeat those mistakes of the past and I don't want to go back there because I will go back there alone. Those wonderful compassionate people can only take so much pain before cutting their ties and I have no intention of going back to my old habits. I need to live one day at time and this will be lived with purpose, honesty, compassion, caring and kindness.
My heart, prayers and thoughts go out to my step mother Pat who lost her mother this week. May God bless you and your family in this time of grieving. Pat you have blessed our family and especially my Dad; we all love you so very much and if there is anything we can do please do not hesitate to ask.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Truth
I had a very interesting conversation with a friend of mine this morning at the gym. This friend is someone who I really only know from the gym but we also share another common bond we worked at the same place or more correctly he still works there but I don't. He is a good person who actually embraced me after not having seen me for a few months but knew what had happened. He did not judge or dismiss me because of my actions he remained my friend.
He was telling me about a conversation he had with someone we both know. I will spare the specifics because they are really not important to my recovery but I will say I am certainly not surprised by the remarks. What I did to my previous employer was reprehensible and everyone associated has every right to be angry and disappointed by my actions. However; I must say when certain people are faced with the truth they may never find it because they don't know where to look because the lies and deceit have become part of their being. Much like it became part of my being up to 8 months and 23 days ago.
I am surrounded by people who care and show concern. This does not lessen what I did or diminish what I did it only shows how blessed I truly am. I made a grave mistake but it is never too late to make amends and live life with a sense of purpose and most importantly to live life with honesty. Honesty was not very important to me for a number of years. However; honesty has become my savior. Without honesty I would be living in lies and deceit and I don't want to go back there. This is why I choose to live with honesty each and every day.
The truth has set me free because I no longer think I can gamble like normal people and I choose not to gamble today. Life has a purpose that it had lost for a number of years ago. Living one day at time with honesty and humility has its benefits. One of those benefits is I am feeling better about myself now than I have in a very long time. I know I have disappointed many people and I certainly have disappointed myself. This disappointment can be changed into a positive because I must be accountable to myself, my family, my God and the Gamblers Anonymous Program because without this accountability life ceases to exist. I love my family so very much and I love my friends as well; I will try my best to NOT disappoint anyone including myself today because this is one of the keys to my recovery.
My recovery does not have end only a beginning because it is ongoing. I have the brain of a compulsive gambler and barring a brain transplant I will have this brain until the day I die. Within this brain lies some bad choices made solely by me. I don't want to make any more bad choices this is why I try to make the best choices each day and today I made the choice NOT to gamble and it turned out to be a good day.
He was telling me about a conversation he had with someone we both know. I will spare the specifics because they are really not important to my recovery but I will say I am certainly not surprised by the remarks. What I did to my previous employer was reprehensible and everyone associated has every right to be angry and disappointed by my actions. However; I must say when certain people are faced with the truth they may never find it because they don't know where to look because the lies and deceit have become part of their being. Much like it became part of my being up to 8 months and 23 days ago.
I am surrounded by people who care and show concern. This does not lessen what I did or diminish what I did it only shows how blessed I truly am. I made a grave mistake but it is never too late to make amends and live life with a sense of purpose and most importantly to live life with honesty. Honesty was not very important to me for a number of years. However; honesty has become my savior. Without honesty I would be living in lies and deceit and I don't want to go back there. This is why I choose to live with honesty each and every day.
The truth has set me free because I no longer think I can gamble like normal people and I choose not to gamble today. Life has a purpose that it had lost for a number of years ago. Living one day at time with honesty and humility has its benefits. One of those benefits is I am feeling better about myself now than I have in a very long time. I know I have disappointed many people and I certainly have disappointed myself. This disappointment can be changed into a positive because I must be accountable to myself, my family, my God and the Gamblers Anonymous Program because without this accountability life ceases to exist. I love my family so very much and I love my friends as well; I will try my best to NOT disappoint anyone including myself today because this is one of the keys to my recovery.
My recovery does not have end only a beginning because it is ongoing. I have the brain of a compulsive gambler and barring a brain transplant I will have this brain until the day I die. Within this brain lies some bad choices made solely by me. I don't want to make any more bad choices this is why I try to make the best choices each day and today I made the choice NOT to gamble and it turned out to be a good day.
Monday, November 21, 2005
Days
The days certainly do pass very quickly. Today was one of those days were it went by so fast it is hard to believe the day has come and gone. We (as a family) decided to see Chicken Little the movie and I decided we should take a ride to Hollywood to view it on the special Disney screen at the El Capitan Theater on Hollywood Boulevard. My mother-in-law (Grandma to my children) has never been to Los Angeles nor has she been to Hollywood. I thought it would be a good idea to take the whole family into Hollywood.
Sometimes with good intentions comes consequences. These consequences came in the form of traffic. We live about 90 miles from Hollywood and on a good day (which there never seems to be any in terms of TRAFFIC) it can take an hour and half. But on a bad day (which today was one) it can take up to 2 1/2 hours each way (which it did!). I thought we were going to miss the movie because we hit traffic in unexpected places and we spent 5 hours in a car today!! It really wasn't too bad; I was driving and I did realize how exhausting doing nothing but sitting in traffic can be. The children watched movies on the portable DVD which is a must on any car trip over one hour! Grandma sat in the back with the children and my wife took a nap. I know it could have been worse but the children were great as they usually are in car trips.
We did make the movie and it was more of a "movie" experience then going to the local cineplex. The theater was old and had charm; there was an organist; the characters of the movie came out and performed a dance and the feature was shown in 3-D. I am not sure if it was worth five hours in a car to see but everyone seemed to have a good time and my mother-in-law got to see the overrated part of Hollywood. Actually come to think of it most of Hollywood is overrated even the million dollar homes in the Hills are overrated because they are small and old. However; some of Hollywood has character or shall I say a sense of history.
I was thinking (which usually gets me into trouble!) as we drove around Hollywood that I was there 22 years ago as a student at the University of Southern California. I spent two non-consecutive semesters there which is another story for another time. I saw the movie Scarface at Grauman's Chinese Theater which was right across the street from where we saw the movie today. I saw this movie in 1983 and not much has changed in those 22 years. I can't believe I have memories from 22 years ago; I guess I AM getting old. I remember seeing Scarface like it was yesterday and how unimpressed I was with the historic theater.
I think we all remember Scarface the movie because of the violence but the memory I have is of the movie theater itself not the movie. I thought the area was dirty and a bit seedy. They have cleaned it up in the 22 years but it really isn't anything impressive in my opinion. I was very happy to bring my children the experience of seeing a movie in Hollywood but I wouldn't make a habit of it especially if I have to spend five hours in a car!!
Time does move by quickly and yes, I have more memories from 30 plus years ago but today is what's most important to me. Today there was no gambling, no thinking of gambling and no conspiring to gamble. It was a day spent with my family and it was a great day. Yes, it has taken me a long time to figure out what is most important but I think I am starting to understand and I thank God for this understanding because without his presence and the presence of my family I am nothing.
Sometimes with good intentions comes consequences. These consequences came in the form of traffic. We live about 90 miles from Hollywood and on a good day (which there never seems to be any in terms of TRAFFIC) it can take an hour and half. But on a bad day (which today was one) it can take up to 2 1/2 hours each way (which it did!). I thought we were going to miss the movie because we hit traffic in unexpected places and we spent 5 hours in a car today!! It really wasn't too bad; I was driving and I did realize how exhausting doing nothing but sitting in traffic can be. The children watched movies on the portable DVD which is a must on any car trip over one hour! Grandma sat in the back with the children and my wife took a nap. I know it could have been worse but the children were great as they usually are in car trips.
We did make the movie and it was more of a "movie" experience then going to the local cineplex. The theater was old and had charm; there was an organist; the characters of the movie came out and performed a dance and the feature was shown in 3-D. I am not sure if it was worth five hours in a car to see but everyone seemed to have a good time and my mother-in-law got to see the overrated part of Hollywood. Actually come to think of it most of Hollywood is overrated even the million dollar homes in the Hills are overrated because they are small and old. However; some of Hollywood has character or shall I say a sense of history.
I was thinking (which usually gets me into trouble!) as we drove around Hollywood that I was there 22 years ago as a student at the University of Southern California. I spent two non-consecutive semesters there which is another story for another time. I saw the movie Scarface at Grauman's Chinese Theater which was right across the street from where we saw the movie today. I saw this movie in 1983 and not much has changed in those 22 years. I can't believe I have memories from 22 years ago; I guess I AM getting old. I remember seeing Scarface like it was yesterday and how unimpressed I was with the historic theater.
I think we all remember Scarface the movie because of the violence but the memory I have is of the movie theater itself not the movie. I thought the area was dirty and a bit seedy. They have cleaned it up in the 22 years but it really isn't anything impressive in my opinion. I was very happy to bring my children the experience of seeing a movie in Hollywood but I wouldn't make a habit of it especially if I have to spend five hours in a car!!
Time does move by quickly and yes, I have more memories from 30 plus years ago but today is what's most important to me. Today there was no gambling, no thinking of gambling and no conspiring to gamble. It was a day spent with my family and it was a great day. Yes, it has taken me a long time to figure out what is most important but I think I am starting to understand and I thank God for this understanding because without his presence and the presence of my family I am nothing.
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