Integrity

I knew yesterday's post regarding Mr. Pete Rose would upset his number one fan (my mother!) but I had to say those things about Mr. Rose. He really isn't a very nice person like some people may say about me. He (like me) did some very stupid things because he is a compulsive gambler. If he only came out and said I did bet on baseball and I am a compulsive gambler things would have been different. Would he had gotten into the baseball hall of fame? Probably not because baseball has to protect the integrity of the game and gambling unlike any other vice undermines the integrity of the game. Baseball can have players on steroids, amphetamines, and any other illicit drug and this is okay but when it comes to gambling on baseball by baseball players or managers this must be dealt with. Without integrity where does the game stand?

My integrity has been lacking for so long because of my gambling addiction. I did things no sane person would do and my integrity has been shot. I have a long way to go to get to any a minimum level of integrity. This is a slow process and a daily process. I may never get to where I should be but I am trying each and every day to live with an honest purpose. I know I may never have the jobs I have had in the past and this is my reality. No one should feel sorry for me because I DID this to myself. The important thing to me is my recovery from my compulsive gambling addiction. Without this recovery there is nothing; no family, no career, no friends and no God. I don't want to go back to where I was nine and half months ago so it is imperative to me to continue to work my recovery one day at a time.

There are certain things in my life I can control and there are certain things in my life I cannot control. I can control whether or not I gamble. Today I did NOT gamble and it makes nine and half months without placing a wager. I cannot control how others feel about me. These are individualsÂ’ feelings and I cannot change their mind. I cannot control what the courts decide to do with me. This does not mean I give up and stop working my recovery. Quite the contrary; in order for me to live a normal productive life I must continue my compulsive gambling recovery. When I do get incarcerated it doesn't mean I stop working my recovery. Where I go may or may not have Gamblers Anonymous so it is imperative I have a strong foundation to build upon.

I have tremendous support from my family and friends. Yes, there are those that do not understand how I could do the things I have done and this is their right to feel this way. It is very difficult to understand how someone who seemingly had it all figured out could royally screw up their life do to a compulsive gambling addiction. Everything I have done in the past was wrong and today I am trying to do everything right.

One of thereasonss I decided to do the Al Roker Investigates interview was to help someone with a gambling problem but the ultimate reason was to help myself. I needed to tell my story and have it chronicled so I would NEVER forget. I could have easily ran and hid for the past nine months but that would have not done me any good. I have experienced such growth and without this recovery process I would have been stuck in the past. It took me a long time fighting my gambling addiction to get to where I was and it will take me a lifetime to battle this addiction. I do know this addiction will be with me the rest of my life and I cannot get complacent for one second or that slippery slope will start all over again.

That slippery slope would lead to my ultimate demise and I have so much more to give to myself and my family. I understand there is more to life than lying and deceiving. It is so much easier to tell the truth because as it states in the Bible; "the truth shall sets you free". The truth about me being a compulsive gambler has set me free but I must continue working the steps and applying the steps in the Gamblers Anonymous Program one day at a time. As long as I continue applying these steps in my daily life everything will continue to get better. It has gotten progressively better since I stopped the lying, cheating and deceiving. I know as long as I continue working the Program life will be what it should be which is a life with meaning and purpose.