One of "THOSE" Days

Did you ever have one of those days where no matter what you did it felt like nothing got accomplished? Yesterday was one of those days! My wife had cleaned out the "play room" and we decided to put a couch which has been in our garage for the past year into the play room because we finally had the room. I looked at the couch and looked at the entrance to the play room and knew it was going to be a challenge. My wife and I tried many different ways to get this couch in the play room but it just wasn't going to happen. We even enlisted the gentlemen working on our backyard and even they couldn't get the couch in the playroom. We tried to go through the window from the outside, this didn't work. We took all of the doors off; this didn't work. So after two and half hours and 6 different people trying to put this couch in the play room we gave up. Even the gentlemen who were helping us remarked it was the very first time they couldn't get a piece of furniture in a room! It really was a matter of mathematics the couch was too big and no matter which way we turned the couch it wasn't going in the room. After 2 1/2 hours the couch wound up right where it started in the garage.

Yesterday I spoke with someone who has been a big part of my life for the past four years and I realized something. The more things change the more they stay the same. Hopefully I am not foreshadowing myself because I am starting to change and I take full responsibility for what I have done. I am referring to certain individuals and organizations who really don't realize there are problems. This was myself for the past 20 plus years. I never knew I had a problem. I thought I could "handle" my gambling and I was only fooling myself. The gambling "handled" me right down the gutter. However; it won't defeat me because for the first time in my life I have admitted I have a problem and have turned this over to my higher power. I won't get all spiritual or religious on any of you but I will say this gambling demon is much bigger than me and I need help. I don't blame anyone but myself. I created this mess and have to live with the consequences but life really is so much better without gambling and good things are already happening in my life.

I realize this past paragraph was a bit repetitive and I believe it had to do with the person I spoke with yesterday. This person brings back all of my insanity and how stupid I had become. I believe it is good to be reminded of my past sins; however; I cannot remain in the past because of the self doubt and second guessing will literally bury me. I am visiting the past and I do not intend to stay too long. A brief visit to the past; my gambling had reached what I would term a professional stage. I really didn't enjoy the betting in the last year but it was something I HAD to do. Why? A number of reasons; I thought I would miss out on the next hot streak. Reality; the next hot streak inevitably turned into the next cold streak and more chasing would ensue. Also; I believed I HAD to wager every single day to get my fix.

There were very few days where I didn't place a sports bet and hardly ever more than two days in a row. I remember being in Mexico and carrying my laptop to the internet cafe so I could make my wagers for the evening. I was such a "professional" that I would place my wagers within 10 minutes and be back with the family and no one would know the difference. I have heard stories where people would be at the casino for days on end; they would turn off their pager or cell phone so their significant other couldn't get in touch with them. Not me; I knew this was one of the signs of a compulsive gambler so I made a conscious effort to always be available for my family. It was 20 years developing the highest degree of denial. In the end and especially now I realize it was absurd and if there is any person who could explain this behavior without the word addiction attached to it I would love to hear the explanation. Sorry to dwell in the past maybe a bit too long but I need these reminders and I know as each day passes and I do NOT gamble my life is on the right road.

We are preparing for a guest from the East Coast and she is arriving tomorrow. This is a surprise for my daughter. She doesn't know her grandmother is coming to visit. She thinks the next time she will see her grandmother will be next summer; my daughter should be very surprised when her grandmother picks her up from school tomorrow afternoon (God willing the airplane is on time.). I will let everyone know how it goes.