My heart goes out to all of those living along the Gulf Coast. I only know a few people who have been devastated by this tragedy but the accounts are horrifying. I received an email from the amazing lady I wrote about yesterday who resided in Slidell, Louisiana. They are still in Texas and will be making their way back later this week. As I read the email tears streamed down my face. She spoke of total devastation to her hometown of Slidell and how it seems like a surreal event. She does have her family in tact and this is all that matters. I cannot imagine what she and her family are going through this is a life altering event. Her words in the email were very resolute and I know she and her family will get through this tragic time because they have each other.
These events of the past few days are proof positive of you never know what tomorrow will bring. Who knew tomorrow would be complete and utter devastation for those poor poor people. Of course being two thousand miles away I can try to get a sense of how bad it is by watching CNN but I am sure it is much worse. I am sure there is an unbearable stench from the standing water and where are the people going to go? If you have lived some place all your life and this is all you know how can you go some place else?
I have worked in Mississippi and Louisiana but I have never lived there. I have met some fantastic people who were born and raised in this area and they are all such good people. One of my previous dear friends spent a few years on the Gulf Coast in the casino industry and I know he was thinking of retiring down in this area. This person is a salt of the earth person and hopefully someday I will get to apologize to him in person but for now my thoughts and prayers are with him. I have listened to so many of his fantastic stories about this region and his great memories of his time spent on the Gulf Coast. He is also a wonderful person and I am so happy to have met him and been able to hear these stories.
It is times like these I really miss some of my old friends. Unfortunately I cannot go backwards only forwards as time marches on.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Life is So Fragile
One of the key concepts of the Gamblers Anonymous program is living your life one day at a time. I have made many a mention to this concept and today is no different. The poor (when I say poor I mean unfortunate) people in Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama that were devastated by Hurricane Katrina have had their lives turned upside down in one day. Last week I am sure things were going along fine and then they received the hurricane warnings. I have not lived in this part of the country but I would imagine hurricane preparedness comes with the territory. However; no one could have possibly expected the devastation that has been caused by this horrible hurricane.
One of the nicest people I have met in the last six months lives in Slidell, Louisiana. She was told to evacuate on Saturday. Thank goodness she packed up her family and went west to Texas. I don't know if most of you realize Slidell took a direct hit from Hurricane Katrina and there is unprecedented devastation in this area. This wonderful lady was told not to return home until next Monday. The roads are not passable and it is just dangerous to go back home. She must wait another week until she sees her house. She is expecting the worst based on initial reports. My prayers and thoughts are for her and her family. Thank God no one in her family was injured because they were smart enough to heed the evacuation request. They took very little belongings and everything they have is in their house. Look at what can happen in only one day this is why it is so critical to live one day at a time.
When they get back to their home there maybe a rebuilding process and this process will take time. This may seem like an overwhelming task but it will be accomplished one day at time. The perseverance of the human soul is extraordinary. People can do anything they put their minds to and make life better. I know this wonderful lady and her family will be fine because they have each other. This is what matters most; not making a bet a game or going to the casino; family is so very important. Things will work out for the best.
Life is so precious and so many times in the past I have taken it for granted. There are so many insignificant things I have held on to and the only significant things are the health and well being of my family. I thank God each and every day for their existence.
One of the nicest people I have met in the last six months lives in Slidell, Louisiana. She was told to evacuate on Saturday. Thank goodness she packed up her family and went west to Texas. I don't know if most of you realize Slidell took a direct hit from Hurricane Katrina and there is unprecedented devastation in this area. This wonderful lady was told not to return home until next Monday. The roads are not passable and it is just dangerous to go back home. She must wait another week until she sees her house. She is expecting the worst based on initial reports. My prayers and thoughts are for her and her family. Thank God no one in her family was injured because they were smart enough to heed the evacuation request. They took very little belongings and everything they have is in their house. Look at what can happen in only one day this is why it is so critical to live one day at a time.
When they get back to their home there maybe a rebuilding process and this process will take time. This may seem like an overwhelming task but it will be accomplished one day at time. The perseverance of the human soul is extraordinary. People can do anything they put their minds to and make life better. I know this wonderful lady and her family will be fine because they have each other. This is what matters most; not making a bet a game or going to the casino; family is so very important. Things will work out for the best.
Life is so precious and so many times in the past I have taken it for granted. There are so many insignificant things I have held on to and the only significant things are the health and well being of my family. I thank God each and every day for their existence.
Monday, August 29, 2005
Innocence of Children
As I dropped my son off at his pre-school I noticed how well the children played together. It is remarkable how well they all play together. Children do not see the ethnic backgrounds in the other children they just want to have a good time. Children are not prejudice in any way shape or form this is a learned behavior and it is learned from their parents. The innocence in children is so pure it makes my heart warm. Unfortunately something happens as we grow older and prejudices creeps into our judgment. Why can't we as adults see things through the eyes of a child; I believe if we did this the world would be a much happier place.
My son's newly anointed best friend at his pre-school has decided to attend another pre-school closer to his house making the trip more convenient for his mother. She was very sad to take her son out of the pre-school because he got along so well with my son but it only makes sense and guess what children are also very resilient. They bounce back from anything. As I picked up my son this afternoon he introduced me to his new best friend. Yes, it was sad to see his previous best friend change schools; however; my son did not miss a beat and now has replaced his best friend with someone else. Oh the eyes of a child!!!
Now that my mind has cleared I am starting to see things and be aware of so much more. I always thought I was an attentive father and husband but I was fooling myself. My mind was so foggy and this fog is starting to lift. There is so much to learn in life and I am learning more and more each day. This fog was caused by my inability to admit I have a problem. Once I admitted I had a problem the fog started to lift and as each day progresses and my life is filled with a purpose the fog gets less and less. I really took my children and my wife for granted for so long and now I fully understand what unconditional love is.
This afternoon I had lunch with a new friend. One of the many positives of my situation is I get to meet so many different people. I have only known this person for six months but I would consider them a good friend. We do share a common bond the inability to control our gambling and we do have many other things in common. I am so very happy to have met this person. They were kind enough to treat me to lunch and we talked for a long time. Through every adverse situation comes positive attributes and these positives attributes must be embraced. By emphasizing the positive the negatives become tolerable because no matter how bad life seems there is always something positive to hold on to. I am embracing these positives because they continue to fill my life.
My son's newly anointed best friend at his pre-school has decided to attend another pre-school closer to his house making the trip more convenient for his mother. She was very sad to take her son out of the pre-school because he got along so well with my son but it only makes sense and guess what children are also very resilient. They bounce back from anything. As I picked up my son this afternoon he introduced me to his new best friend. Yes, it was sad to see his previous best friend change schools; however; my son did not miss a beat and now has replaced his best friend with someone else. Oh the eyes of a child!!!
Now that my mind has cleared I am starting to see things and be aware of so much more. I always thought I was an attentive father and husband but I was fooling myself. My mind was so foggy and this fog is starting to lift. There is so much to learn in life and I am learning more and more each day. This fog was caused by my inability to admit I have a problem. Once I admitted I had a problem the fog started to lift and as each day progresses and my life is filled with a purpose the fog gets less and less. I really took my children and my wife for granted for so long and now I fully understand what unconditional love is.
This afternoon I had lunch with a new friend. One of the many positives of my situation is I get to meet so many different people. I have only known this person for six months but I would consider them a good friend. We do share a common bond the inability to control our gambling and we do have many other things in common. I am so very happy to have met this person. They were kind enough to treat me to lunch and we talked for a long time. Through every adverse situation comes positive attributes and these positives attributes must be embraced. By emphasizing the positive the negatives become tolerable because no matter how bad life seems there is always something positive to hold on to. I am embracing these positives because they continue to fill my life.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Six Months
Six months ago today I made my last bet. I can tell you it was on a basketball game but I don't remember who the teams were. This detail really doesn't matter the only thing that matter is I have not made a wager today. Sometimes the six months feels like six minutes and sometimes it feels like sixty years! Time is going to pass no matter what this is inevitable; it is making this time constructive and with a purpose.
I made a choice six months ago to seek help with my compulsive gambling disorder and I thank God each and every day for this decision. It has brought me closer to my family and myself. I have learned so much about myself in the past six months and I know I have just scratched the surface because there is so much more to learn. I learn something each and every day and yes, my life was turned upside down six months ago but I am thankful for everyone who has supported me this tumultuous time. Having not made a bet in six months has made my life so much better and I look forward to it getting a little better one day at a time.
Yesterday I wrote about the changing face of the compulsive gambler and today I read an article about this subject. Here is the link; you may have to register to gain access to the story (sorry about that it is just a requirement by this particular newspaper). The article equates video poker machines as the "crack" cocaine of gambling. People become addicted much faster (usually within a year) to these types of machines. The article gives the time tables on becoming addicted to the other forms of gambling. My particular vice sports betting seemed to have the longest (5.4 years) time for an addiction to develop. Which makes sense because I have done it for the past 20 plus years and didn't know I was addicted until the very final stages. Denial is a very strong emotion because I fought my addiction for so long before finally admitting I have a problem.
When I finally admitted I had a problem it was the best day and the worst day in my life. It was the worst day because all my misdeeds had come out but it was the best day because I didn't have to live in denial anymore. I am powerless to gambling and it took such a long time to finally realize. The amazing people in the rooms of Gamblers Anonymous have taught me so much and I owe so much to all of these fabulous people. I can't imagine where I would be if I didn't find those incredible people and their support in helping me arrest my illness. Thank you so very much for all your support and genuine love. They are people who want to help others with a compulsive gambling addiction and they do it with such compassion and warmth.
May God bless those people in the path of Hurricane Katrina on the Gulf Coast. I am praying for your safe passage through this awful storm.
I made a choice six months ago to seek help with my compulsive gambling disorder and I thank God each and every day for this decision. It has brought me closer to my family and myself. I have learned so much about myself in the past six months and I know I have just scratched the surface because there is so much more to learn. I learn something each and every day and yes, my life was turned upside down six months ago but I am thankful for everyone who has supported me this tumultuous time. Having not made a bet in six months has made my life so much better and I look forward to it getting a little better one day at a time.
Yesterday I wrote about the changing face of the compulsive gambler and today I read an article about this subject. Here is the link; you may have to register to gain access to the story (sorry about that it is just a requirement by this particular newspaper). The article equates video poker machines as the "crack" cocaine of gambling. People become addicted much faster (usually within a year) to these types of machines. The article gives the time tables on becoming addicted to the other forms of gambling. My particular vice sports betting seemed to have the longest (5.4 years) time for an addiction to develop. Which makes sense because I have done it for the past 20 plus years and didn't know I was addicted until the very final stages. Denial is a very strong emotion because I fought my addiction for so long before finally admitting I have a problem.
When I finally admitted I had a problem it was the best day and the worst day in my life. It was the worst day because all my misdeeds had come out but it was the best day because I didn't have to live in denial anymore. I am powerless to gambling and it took such a long time to finally realize. The amazing people in the rooms of Gamblers Anonymous have taught me so much and I owe so much to all of these fabulous people. I can't imagine where I would be if I didn't find those incredible people and their support in helping me arrest my illness. Thank you so very much for all your support and genuine love. They are people who want to help others with a compulsive gambling addiction and they do it with such compassion and warmth.
May God bless those people in the path of Hurricane Katrina on the Gulf Coast. I am praying for your safe passage through this awful storm.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Life
Life is filled with good and bad and sometimes the bad seems to outweigh the good. However; there is so much good in my life it over shadows the bad. Take today for example; my children played in the pool all day with their friends and life couldn't be any better. Yes, the weather was 104 degrees and the pool certainly was the place to be and the children loved every minute. Truly witnessing the looks on their faces as they frolicked in the pool was priceless. It is these little moments I will cherish for the rest of my life. I have been blessed with two wonderful children and an amazing wife; I thank God each and every day for my existence.
Earlier this morning the Today Program on NBC ran a segment on Woman Compulsive Gamblers. They interviewed a very well spoken 55 year old school teacher from West Virginia who is a compulsive gambler. The segment was very brief but the points were very powerful. This nice lady became addicted to slot machines and video poker machines within months and it took having 47 cents in her purse and the prospect of losing her house to call the compulsive gambler hotline. She made the call and her life is so much better one year after she quit gambling. The stories are so compelling and heart breaking and it happens more often especially to older women.
Legalized gambling has spread throughout this country and it is literally every where. There is a casino in every home with a computer and more and more people will become addicted. It is good to see the mainstream media do a segment on compulsive gambling. Arnie Wexler who is a world renown counselor for compulsive gamblers was on the segment as well. Arnie is a 30 year recovering compulsive gambler who gives speeches all across the world on compulsive gambling. Arnie spoke of compulsive gambling as the "hidden" addiction. He is so very correct because most times the compulsive gambler is unwilling to admit they have a problem and keeps it hidden from everyone including themselves. Arnie gave five warning signs of compulsive gamblers and one of the signs is the compulsive gambler is willing to risk the loss of their family and career to place the next wager. How very true. It was a very good informative segment and the face of the compulsive gambler is ever changing.
Thirty years ago it was the 50 year old horse player and now it is everyone from the 17 year old high school student to the 85 year old retiree. Also; currently people become addicted faster and faster because we as a society move faster than we did even 10 years ago. With a computer in every household and a casino in just about every state people have more availability to the product and with this accessibility comes problems. In the past it would take a compulsive gambler 10 plus years to do serious damage to themselves and their families now is being done in months. The availability of the casinos and access to cash via credit credits accelerates a compulsive gamblers ammunition. When a compulsive gambler has more bullets in the holster more damage will be done much faster. Awareness and education is needed to help people with a compulsive gambling addiction and I believe society is moving in this direction.
Earlier this morning the Today Program on NBC ran a segment on Woman Compulsive Gamblers. They interviewed a very well spoken 55 year old school teacher from West Virginia who is a compulsive gambler. The segment was very brief but the points were very powerful. This nice lady became addicted to slot machines and video poker machines within months and it took having 47 cents in her purse and the prospect of losing her house to call the compulsive gambler hotline. She made the call and her life is so much better one year after she quit gambling. The stories are so compelling and heart breaking and it happens more often especially to older women.
Legalized gambling has spread throughout this country and it is literally every where. There is a casino in every home with a computer and more and more people will become addicted. It is good to see the mainstream media do a segment on compulsive gambling. Arnie Wexler who is a world renown counselor for compulsive gamblers was on the segment as well. Arnie is a 30 year recovering compulsive gambler who gives speeches all across the world on compulsive gambling. Arnie spoke of compulsive gambling as the "hidden" addiction. He is so very correct because most times the compulsive gambler is unwilling to admit they have a problem and keeps it hidden from everyone including themselves. Arnie gave five warning signs of compulsive gamblers and one of the signs is the compulsive gambler is willing to risk the loss of their family and career to place the next wager. How very true. It was a very good informative segment and the face of the compulsive gambler is ever changing.
Thirty years ago it was the 50 year old horse player and now it is everyone from the 17 year old high school student to the 85 year old retiree. Also; currently people become addicted faster and faster because we as a society move faster than we did even 10 years ago. With a computer in every household and a casino in just about every state people have more availability to the product and with this accessibility comes problems. In the past it would take a compulsive gambler 10 plus years to do serious damage to themselves and their families now is being done in months. The availability of the casinos and access to cash via credit credits accelerates a compulsive gamblers ammunition. When a compulsive gambler has more bullets in the holster more damage will be done much faster. Awareness and education is needed to help people with a compulsive gambling addiction and I believe society is moving in this direction.
Friday, August 26, 2005
Purpose of the Blog
I feel the need to reiterate the purpose of this blog because in the past few days I have been a bit side tracked. The purpose of this blog is to help me with my gambling problem. Almost six months ago the world came crashing down on my head and I was faced with a few choices; number one run and hide and live in denial for the rest of my life; number two kill myself (I need to be realistic and yes, it was one of the options) or number three face up to my compulsive gambling addiction and seek help. I chose number three. Part of this therapy or "medication" as I call it (I also need to step aside and tell everyone I am not taking any prescription medication I call my therapy to arrest this addiction "medication", sorry for the misunderstanding).
This "medication" is made up of many parts; finally admitting I have a gambling addiction and surrendering this addiction to a higher power; I must thank Gamblers Anonymous for this. Which brings me to regularly attending as many GA meetings as possible. I have had this addiction all my life and I realize it won't just go away it NEVER just goes away. I am in the process of arresting this disease with my "medication". Also part of this "medication" is the support I have found through my family and friends without this support I would not have made it this far. Another part of this therapy is this blog. It is another way for me to express my thoughts and feelings. Finally all of this needs to be done one day at a time because this is the only given I have; the past is gone forever and there is no changing any of it and the future holds uncertainties so the commitment must be to live for today with a clear purpose.
Now that I have reiterated the purpose of this blog I want to talk about perceptions. Ten people can look at a painting and have ten different perceptions of the painting and you know what this is great as long as those perceptions do not diminish the artist in any way. The true perception belongs to the artist alone because they are the only one who knows what the piece art represents. It is so easy to diminish anyone by calling them names, throwing stones and just plain putting them down. Like I said earlier people are entitled to their opinions and perceptions; however; intentionally hurting someone else should not be part of these opinions or perceptions. I know what I have done has hurt many people and I am very sorry. It was NEVER my intention to hurt anyone but I have and I must live with this the rest of my life.
I am taking the necessary steps in my recovery to be the father, husband, person I need to be. As each day moves forward I gain back a little of my sanity and I have so many people to thank for this. People do stupid things and I did a MAJOR LEAGUE stupid thing does this mean I should be put to death, maybe some of you think so but I have many more who do not think this way. Positives always beat negatives and I will stay on the positive side of life. Positive people have so much more to share than the negative people and I thank God each and everyday for all of the positives in my life.
This "medication" is made up of many parts; finally admitting I have a gambling addiction and surrendering this addiction to a higher power; I must thank Gamblers Anonymous for this. Which brings me to regularly attending as many GA meetings as possible. I have had this addiction all my life and I realize it won't just go away it NEVER just goes away. I am in the process of arresting this disease with my "medication". Also part of this "medication" is the support I have found through my family and friends without this support I would not have made it this far. Another part of this therapy is this blog. It is another way for me to express my thoughts and feelings. Finally all of this needs to be done one day at a time because this is the only given I have; the past is gone forever and there is no changing any of it and the future holds uncertainties so the commitment must be to live for today with a clear purpose.
Now that I have reiterated the purpose of this blog I want to talk about perceptions. Ten people can look at a painting and have ten different perceptions of the painting and you know what this is great as long as those perceptions do not diminish the artist in any way. The true perception belongs to the artist alone because they are the only one who knows what the piece art represents. It is so easy to diminish anyone by calling them names, throwing stones and just plain putting them down. Like I said earlier people are entitled to their opinions and perceptions; however; intentionally hurting someone else should not be part of these opinions or perceptions. I know what I have done has hurt many people and I am very sorry. It was NEVER my intention to hurt anyone but I have and I must live with this the rest of my life.
I am taking the necessary steps in my recovery to be the father, husband, person I need to be. As each day moves forward I gain back a little of my sanity and I have so many people to thank for this. People do stupid things and I did a MAJOR LEAGUE stupid thing does this mean I should be put to death, maybe some of you think so but I have many more who do not think this way. Positives always beat negatives and I will stay on the positive side of life. Positive people have so much more to share than the negative people and I thank God each and everyday for all of the positives in my life.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Opinions
Everyone who lives in the United States of America is entitled to express their own opinion and this is what makes this country great. The last two days people have been expressing their opinions regarding this blog and regarding my legal situation. These opinions have been posted in the comments section. For those of you unaware all you have to do is scroll down to where it says comments and click it should take to the comments posted about a particular blog. Yesterday's blog yielded around 16 or 17 comments. Getting back to my previous thought; most of these comments are perceived by me as negative; but that does not make these comments wrong. These are the opinions of whomever wrote them and they are certainly entitled to these opinions. I made a mistake and deleted comments on the August 23rd blog, I apologize I shouldn't have deleted those and I will not in the future. Please feel free to express your opinion I will not delete any posts in the future unless they contain profanity.
At Tuesday's Gamblers Anonymous meeting we had a new member and this person was the youngest member I have encountered in my six months of attending the meetings. I saw a lot of myself in this person but the likelihood of this person coming back to the meeting is very slim; I just hope this person abstains from gambling because their life will be so much better. I know for myself when I was 18 (actually younger than the member) and I got into trouble gambling with a bookie my parents told me I had to attend Gamblers Anonymous. I received a phone call from a member in GA and this person talked to me for awhile and told me I had to go to a meeting or I will make the same mistake again only worse (looks like he hit the proverbial nail on the head!). This person scared me enough to stop gambling for the next four years but I never attended a GA meeting because I thought I was much better and didn't need any help. I was 18, scared at what I had done to my parents but I still wasn't going to do what some stranger had told me to do I was going to do it my way. Of course hindsight is always 20/20 and knowing what I know now things would have been different. However; there is no changing the past; my concentration is on today and today only.
I would like to think my circumstances have happened for a reason and God put me in this position because he knows only the best will come from it. If I hadn't done what I did (which I am truly sorry) I would not have met some fabulous people and maybe just maybe I have made an impression on just one person and their life has been changed just like mine has. Each person on this earth has a purpose and sometimes it takes an adverse situation to find this purpose and sometimes people don't find their purpose because they are not looking for it. I am learning something each and every day about my purpose in life and no matter what happens this horrible situation will work out for the best.
At Tuesday's Gamblers Anonymous meeting we had a new member and this person was the youngest member I have encountered in my six months of attending the meetings. I saw a lot of myself in this person but the likelihood of this person coming back to the meeting is very slim; I just hope this person abstains from gambling because their life will be so much better. I know for myself when I was 18 (actually younger than the member) and I got into trouble gambling with a bookie my parents told me I had to attend Gamblers Anonymous. I received a phone call from a member in GA and this person talked to me for awhile and told me I had to go to a meeting or I will make the same mistake again only worse (looks like he hit the proverbial nail on the head!). This person scared me enough to stop gambling for the next four years but I never attended a GA meeting because I thought I was much better and didn't need any help. I was 18, scared at what I had done to my parents but I still wasn't going to do what some stranger had told me to do I was going to do it my way. Of course hindsight is always 20/20 and knowing what I know now things would have been different. However; there is no changing the past; my concentration is on today and today only.
I would like to think my circumstances have happened for a reason and God put me in this position because he knows only the best will come from it. If I hadn't done what I did (which I am truly sorry) I would not have met some fabulous people and maybe just maybe I have made an impression on just one person and their life has been changed just like mine has. Each person on this earth has a purpose and sometimes it takes an adverse situation to find this purpose and sometimes people don't find their purpose because they are not looking for it. I am learning something each and every day about my purpose in life and no matter what happens this horrible situation will work out for the best.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Forty Years Old
Today at 5:16 am Eastern Time I officially turned forty years of age. My how time flies. I have a fabulous family and I have magnificent friends. I am truly blessed. I am surrounded by positive people and it is a good time to be alive. My family; my wife is an incredible lady and my children are the loves of my life; my Mother is nothing short of incredible; my Dad is an amazing person; my older sister has a genuine love of my family; my younger sister is remarkable and has helped me so much; my mother-in-law has so much love for my family it is astonishing; my sister-in-law has been a tremendous help to my wife; my brother-in-law loves our children unconditionally and my grandmother what a remarkable woman who has been through so much I love her dearly. Also to my friends (both old and new) who have been there for me and my family thank you so very much. Like I said before I am truly blessed and hopefully the next forty plus years go a little smoother!
I want to share something that happened at the very beginning of my situation. When I got bailed out of jail after being there for five nights my extraordinary friend picked me up from the jail at 2:00 am and drove me home. My wife and children were on the East Coast (thank God) so I went home to an empty house. I spent about a half hour with my friend but he had to head home afterall it was the middle of the night and he has a life to live. I looked at the answering machine and there were five messages on the machine; I think three were from my wife, one was from my Mother and one was from someone I hadn't spoken to in over a year. This person was a vendor who I had helped out of a very difficult situation about a year and half ago. I did not have a personal relationship with this person it was strictly business and I know I never gave him my home telephone number. On his very sincere message he stated who he was and that he had just read about my situation in the paper and wanted to say thank you for helping him with his situation and if there was anything he could do please give him a call.
When I came home that night it was one of the darkest nights of my life and yes, there was no one at home and I know my friend was very concerned with me when he left the house. I didn't have any irrational thoughts because having a father in prison is much better than having a father that committed suicide but those horrible thoughts were in my head. However; when I heard this person's message my insides started to warm and a smile came over my face. This person did not past judgment on me by what he read in the paper he knew I had helped him through a difficult situation and wanted to offer some words of encouragement and these words are still in my head. I thank God he left this message because without knowing I had actually done some good in my life those days would have been even darker. The small things go a long way.
I want to share something that happened at the very beginning of my situation. When I got bailed out of jail after being there for five nights my extraordinary friend picked me up from the jail at 2:00 am and drove me home. My wife and children were on the East Coast (thank God) so I went home to an empty house. I spent about a half hour with my friend but he had to head home afterall it was the middle of the night and he has a life to live. I looked at the answering machine and there were five messages on the machine; I think three were from my wife, one was from my Mother and one was from someone I hadn't spoken to in over a year. This person was a vendor who I had helped out of a very difficult situation about a year and half ago. I did not have a personal relationship with this person it was strictly business and I know I never gave him my home telephone number. On his very sincere message he stated who he was and that he had just read about my situation in the paper and wanted to say thank you for helping him with his situation and if there was anything he could do please give him a call.
When I came home that night it was one of the darkest nights of my life and yes, there was no one at home and I know my friend was very concerned with me when he left the house. I didn't have any irrational thoughts because having a father in prison is much better than having a father that committed suicide but those horrible thoughts were in my head. However; when I heard this person's message my insides started to warm and a smile came over my face. This person did not past judgment on me by what he read in the paper he knew I had helped him through a difficult situation and wanted to offer some words of encouragement and these words are still in my head. I thank God he left this message because without knowing I had actually done some good in my life those days would have been even darker. The small things go a long way.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Great Visit
Today my wife and I took my mother to the airport so she could return home. We had a great visit. My mother commented that it was probably her best visit ever. I would have to agree. In spite of all the uncertainty we all had a fabulous time. She was able to spend quality time with her grandchildren and we were able to spend quality time discussing "things". This was the first time in a long time that I wasn't trying to sneak in my bets and finding out the scores. My mind was focused on my mother's visit not who was winning the insignificant baseball game.
The last time my mother visited was at the end of October of last year and the only thing I remember from that trip was taking the children out on Halloween with my mother. The rest of the time I really have no recollection. I was too busy getting my bets in and other "stuff". My compulsive gambling continues to amaze me as to how much it consumed me. I tried to do it "professionally" which meant I never got too high after a winning night or too low after a losing night and I did this very well; however; the effort I put into the entire gambling process is mind boggling. Physically I was there with my family but mentally I was definitely some place else. It really was insanity because there is no rational reason for this type of behavior.
I am so happy my mom came out and shared my 40th birthday with me and my family. Yes, I am sure this visit is bittersweet because I have no idea what the future holds as to my freedom. However; I do know I am thankful for everything everyone has done for me and my family and I am so grateful to have magnificent mother. Yes, I took this for granted in the past and I am truly sorry for not being the son my mother had envisioned. I am getting the necessary help and guidance to be the son and I will make her proud.
Today I had to explain to a prospective employer about my current "legal" situation. I really hate these moments because it brings up my horrible past and the horrible things I have done. The prospective employer really wanted to hire me; however; based on my uncertain position they could not. I fully understand because it is a business decision and the business community does not look favorably on someone who has done the things I have done. I don't blame anyone but myself and it really doesn't matter how much I have changed in the past six months. The facts are facts and they speak for themselves. I am changing and need someone to really take a chance on me and I cannot ask this of anyone. I can say anything but it is actions that speak louder than words and my previous actions speak very loudly. Everyday I try to have positive actions and I have done so many positive things in the past six months but they do not erase what I have done. There is no amount of wishing and hoping that will make all my past deeds go away; it is me that has made and will continue to make the changes and I work on these changes each and every day.
I have already had someone who is near and dear to the family take a chance on me and I thank God they have given me the chance to prove myself a worthy person and also bring in some type of income. These are people who are nothing short of amazing; they could have turned away from me and my family and instead they have embraced us. Thank you so very much for all of your support. My days of lying, cheating and stealing are over and I know as each day passes I get stronger from those that surround me and my higher power. Compulsive gambling is a horrible addiction and it made me do horrible things. I haven't made a bet in five months and twenty-seven days and I don't intend on making one today.
The last time my mother visited was at the end of October of last year and the only thing I remember from that trip was taking the children out on Halloween with my mother. The rest of the time I really have no recollection. I was too busy getting my bets in and other "stuff". My compulsive gambling continues to amaze me as to how much it consumed me. I tried to do it "professionally" which meant I never got too high after a winning night or too low after a losing night and I did this very well; however; the effort I put into the entire gambling process is mind boggling. Physically I was there with my family but mentally I was definitely some place else. It really was insanity because there is no rational reason for this type of behavior.
I am so happy my mom came out and shared my 40th birthday with me and my family. Yes, I am sure this visit is bittersweet because I have no idea what the future holds as to my freedom. However; I do know I am thankful for everything everyone has done for me and my family and I am so grateful to have magnificent mother. Yes, I took this for granted in the past and I am truly sorry for not being the son my mother had envisioned. I am getting the necessary help and guidance to be the son and I will make her proud.
Today I had to explain to a prospective employer about my current "legal" situation. I really hate these moments because it brings up my horrible past and the horrible things I have done. The prospective employer really wanted to hire me; however; based on my uncertain position they could not. I fully understand because it is a business decision and the business community does not look favorably on someone who has done the things I have done. I don't blame anyone but myself and it really doesn't matter how much I have changed in the past six months. The facts are facts and they speak for themselves. I am changing and need someone to really take a chance on me and I cannot ask this of anyone. I can say anything but it is actions that speak louder than words and my previous actions speak very loudly. Everyday I try to have positive actions and I have done so many positive things in the past six months but they do not erase what I have done. There is no amount of wishing and hoping that will make all my past deeds go away; it is me that has made and will continue to make the changes and I work on these changes each and every day.
I have already had someone who is near and dear to the family take a chance on me and I thank God they have given me the chance to prove myself a worthy person and also bring in some type of income. These are people who are nothing short of amazing; they could have turned away from me and my family and instead they have embraced us. Thank you so very much for all of your support. My days of lying, cheating and stealing are over and I know as each day passes I get stronger from those that surround me and my higher power. Compulsive gambling is a horrible addiction and it made me do horrible things. I haven't made a bet in five months and twenty-seven days and I don't intend on making one today.
Monday, August 22, 2005
Mom and Monkeys
Before I get into the monkey part I want to let everyone know what a wonderful mother I have. Not only did she help my wife with my 40th birthday party she took her two of her grandchildren out for the day and gave my wife and I a much needed break. She took my children bowling, to the movies and to Chuckie E Cheese all in one day. She doesn't get to see my children all too often and she made the best of it yesterday. My son and daughter love all three of these activities and to do them in one day was almost cosmic. Grandma had a great day with the grandkids and everyone behaved. We all went to a local "fun park" today after school and it was my mother's treat. My children did four of their favorite things in two days; grandma should come out more often.
Not only did my mother treat my children to two wonderful fun filled days she even saved my life. Actually she saved my life about 6 months ago and continues to save my life each and everyday. Almost six months ago my horrible behaviors showed their ugly head but my mother has been nothing short of amazing in the whole process and I owe a great deal to her along with my wife and mother-in-law.
Also; I had the distinct pleasure of having my mom attend my Gamblers Anonymous meeting last night. She got to see first hand what a beautiful group of people we have in our fellowship. Yes, it was a very emotional meeting and my mom echoed my sentiments at the end of the meeting when she said each person in that room is a good and warm individual and she is so happy I have found them. I am so delighted she attended the meeting and saw how much the fellowship is helping me become the person I need to be.
Today; she actually saved my life by ridding my fish of a bone. My mom was very kind and bought dinner from the Outback Steakhouse. Having two children it is so much easier to get take-out and bring the dinner home which we did. She asked me to try my Tulapia (those of you who know me know I have very strange eating habits to say the least but for some reason my mom really likes Tulapia and for those of you that don't know me I am a vegetarian but I do eat fish) and I gave her a small piece. In this small piece were the only two bones in the fillet. She calmly pulled the first bone out of her mouth (for such a small piece it was a very large bone) and calmly swallowed the second bone. Yes, I am a very weird eater and I am very adverse to certain textures and who is to say I could have choke on either one of these bones. Thank you again for saving my life. This really may seem small (fish bone) but these things really mean the world to me and again I am so blessed to be surrounded by such marvelous people.
Now on to the monkeys; here is an article where two (one with a very familiar name) researchers from Duke University were testing the brains of monkeys as it relates to gambling. Why do people or more significantly why did I do the things I did? This article sheds some light on the subject and hopefully more research will be performed to get at the root cause. The monkeys much like me kept going for the juicy rewards even though the other option would have been the "normal" response. The monkeys again much like me preferred the riskier behavior over the more sane behavior. The researchers pinpointed a region in the brain which controls this activity and those with lower levels of a certain brain chemical serotonin were more prone to impulsive behaviors. I don't know if I have low levels of this chemical but I do know I did some very compulsive and impulsive things and it was as if I someone else had taken over my body. Yes, some of you may see this as a cop out and I am blaming something else. NO, I take full responsibility for my actions and I did those things.
Now, I am starting to understand how I could do those things and I am making the necessary character changes so those things are no longer a part of my life. I do find it fascinating because each person I have met with a gambling disorder is NOT a bad person. They have a sickness much like me and this sickness took over their life. They again much like me finally realized they have a problem and sought help. There are so many tools available but the person who is unwilling to help themselves cannot which was me for 20 plus years. Only those willing to admit they have a gambling problem have a very good chance to arrest this illness. I choose to surrender to this illness and I know I cannot do this alone this is why I am using all the tools available. I will continue to use all of these tools one day at a time.
Not only did my mother treat my children to two wonderful fun filled days she even saved my life. Actually she saved my life about 6 months ago and continues to save my life each and everyday. Almost six months ago my horrible behaviors showed their ugly head but my mother has been nothing short of amazing in the whole process and I owe a great deal to her along with my wife and mother-in-law.
Also; I had the distinct pleasure of having my mom attend my Gamblers Anonymous meeting last night. She got to see first hand what a beautiful group of people we have in our fellowship. Yes, it was a very emotional meeting and my mom echoed my sentiments at the end of the meeting when she said each person in that room is a good and warm individual and she is so happy I have found them. I am so delighted she attended the meeting and saw how much the fellowship is helping me become the person I need to be.
Today; she actually saved my life by ridding my fish of a bone. My mom was very kind and bought dinner from the Outback Steakhouse. Having two children it is so much easier to get take-out and bring the dinner home which we did. She asked me to try my Tulapia (those of you who know me know I have very strange eating habits to say the least but for some reason my mom really likes Tulapia and for those of you that don't know me I am a vegetarian but I do eat fish) and I gave her a small piece. In this small piece were the only two bones in the fillet. She calmly pulled the first bone out of her mouth (for such a small piece it was a very large bone) and calmly swallowed the second bone. Yes, I am a very weird eater and I am very adverse to certain textures and who is to say I could have choke on either one of these bones. Thank you again for saving my life. This really may seem small (fish bone) but these things really mean the world to me and again I am so blessed to be surrounded by such marvelous people.
Now on to the monkeys; here is an article where two (one with a very familiar name) researchers from Duke University were testing the brains of monkeys as it relates to gambling. Why do people or more significantly why did I do the things I did? This article sheds some light on the subject and hopefully more research will be performed to get at the root cause. The monkeys much like me kept going for the juicy rewards even though the other option would have been the "normal" response. The monkeys again much like me preferred the riskier behavior over the more sane behavior. The researchers pinpointed a region in the brain which controls this activity and those with lower levels of a certain brain chemical serotonin were more prone to impulsive behaviors. I don't know if I have low levels of this chemical but I do know I did some very compulsive and impulsive things and it was as if I someone else had taken over my body. Yes, some of you may see this as a cop out and I am blaming something else. NO, I take full responsibility for my actions and I did those things.
Now, I am starting to understand how I could do those things and I am making the necessary character changes so those things are no longer a part of my life. I do find it fascinating because each person I have met with a gambling disorder is NOT a bad person. They have a sickness much like me and this sickness took over their life. They again much like me finally realized they have a problem and sought help. There are so many tools available but the person who is unwilling to help themselves cannot which was me for 20 plus years. Only those willing to admit they have a gambling problem have a very good chance to arrest this illness. I choose to surrender to this illness and I know I cannot do this alone this is why I am using all the tools available. I will continue to use all of these tools one day at a time.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Fortunate
Yesterday my wife and my mother put together a fantastic birthday party to celebrate my 40 years. When my wife first asked me if I wanted a birthday party I instantly said no. I reverted to the self pity stating I didn't deserve a birthday party. My wife was very insistent and told me my mother was flying out from the East Coast and she also wanted me to have the party. I certainly cannot argue with my wife and mother (who incidentally are the two most influential people in my life) so we had the party yesterday. There were some old dear friends and some new dear friends. I want to thank everyone for coming and owe a great deal to each person at the party. Without all of them I wouldn't be where I am today.
When I agreed with my wife and said yes to the party she said you are only going to invite the important people in your life. My reply was this is all that is left in my life the important people. I have discovered who the really important people in my life are and they were all at the party. Some people I have known such a short time yet I feel and instant connection and others I have always felt the same connection and by them coming to the party solidifies to me their special relationship. I must qualify one of my statements; not all of the important people were at the party there are some very important people to me across this country and distance certainly precluded them from coming. The immediate (vicinity) circle of friends attended the party.
The question was asked if I had this party one year ago who would have attended. I think there would have been less people and some people would have "stopped by". They would not have stayed very long but rather made an "appearance" out of a professional courtesy. No one just stopped by yesterday; everyone stayed and I think everyone had a good time. I continue to learn so much and I know I have so much more to learn about myself, life, people and other things. I am truly amazed how fortunate I am to have so many magnificent people in my life.
I would like to thank my wife and mother for putting together a great party. They both did a remarkable job. I have put each one of them through some very difficult times and will continue in the future yet each one believes in me. Whatever happens in the future I know right now I am on the right road to recovery.
There are people out there that are detractors to me and cannot understand how I could have done such a terrible thing. Honestly, looking from the outside in I can understand their position. I do have a disease which caused me to do those terrible things and now I have finally recognized and admitted I have this disease. I am taking medication to keep this disease dormant and will continue to take this medication daily. I am not a bad person and I did some bad things but my intention was to NEVER hurt anyone. I apologize to those that I have hurt and no matter what happens to me life will continue to go on. I am living my life so differently and I like the results.
Happy birthday to my previous boss Ryan, happy 35th. I hope you have a wonderful birthday with your daughters. They grow up so fast, enjoy each and everyday with them while you have the chance because before you know it they won't be children anymore. Please don't let what I did destroy your faith in people. The majority of people are good and what I did was in no way a reflection on you. There is so much more to life and someday I know you will find your way. Have a great day and I would like to say maybe we will see each other some time but I doubt this will happen.
When I agreed with my wife and said yes to the party she said you are only going to invite the important people in your life. My reply was this is all that is left in my life the important people. I have discovered who the really important people in my life are and they were all at the party. Some people I have known such a short time yet I feel and instant connection and others I have always felt the same connection and by them coming to the party solidifies to me their special relationship. I must qualify one of my statements; not all of the important people were at the party there are some very important people to me across this country and distance certainly precluded them from coming. The immediate (vicinity) circle of friends attended the party.
The question was asked if I had this party one year ago who would have attended. I think there would have been less people and some people would have "stopped by". They would not have stayed very long but rather made an "appearance" out of a professional courtesy. No one just stopped by yesterday; everyone stayed and I think everyone had a good time. I continue to learn so much and I know I have so much more to learn about myself, life, people and other things. I am truly amazed how fortunate I am to have so many magnificent people in my life.
I would like to thank my wife and mother for putting together a great party. They both did a remarkable job. I have put each one of them through some very difficult times and will continue in the future yet each one believes in me. Whatever happens in the future I know right now I am on the right road to recovery.
There are people out there that are detractors to me and cannot understand how I could have done such a terrible thing. Honestly, looking from the outside in I can understand their position. I do have a disease which caused me to do those terrible things and now I have finally recognized and admitted I have this disease. I am taking medication to keep this disease dormant and will continue to take this medication daily. I am not a bad person and I did some bad things but my intention was to NEVER hurt anyone. I apologize to those that I have hurt and no matter what happens to me life will continue to go on. I am living my life so differently and I like the results.
Happy birthday to my previous boss Ryan, happy 35th. I hope you have a wonderful birthday with your daughters. They grow up so fast, enjoy each and everyday with them while you have the chance because before you know it they won't be children anymore. Please don't let what I did destroy your faith in people. The majority of people are good and what I did was in no way a reflection on you. There is so much more to life and someday I know you will find your way. Have a great day and I would like to say maybe we will see each other some time but I doubt this will happen.
Friday, August 19, 2005
6:00 A.M.
It was 6:00 a.m. this morning and my son comes into our bedroom and informs my wife and I "the pool guys are here and they are fixing the pool". Then he shuts the door and goes back in the hallway. A few minutes later he comes back in our room fully dressed and ready for school. This is what I would call a proper wake up call!! Yes, you did read it correctly the pool people were here and they put in the final phase which was the plaster. We knew they were coming but we didn't expect them to come so early we were told they would be here around 11:00 am. This is the type of mistake I can certainly live with because we have been waiting almost one year since they broke ground on the pool. As I write this we are actually putting water in the pool. Barring any unforeseen catastrophes my children should be swimming by Wednesday.
I know the completion of the pool is a very trivial matter in the grand scheme of my life but my poor wife has been waiting so long for the completion of the pool. I am so happy we are still in the house so she and the children can enjoy it for a few months. Now some of you maybe asking did I do what I did so I could have a pool in my backyard and the answer would be a resounding no. In case you haven't been paying attention to these blogs are the past four months I did what I did so I could propel my fantasy life in gambling. This fantasy life and the world of denial caused me to do the things I did. By no means does this lessen or make what I did right; I take fully responsibility for my actions and will face some severe consequences in the very near future. I will not bore anyone with how I am taking the steps to get my life back together but not gambling; getting to understand myself; having the support of my family; going to Gamblers Anonymous; has certainly helped me find my true self.
Here is a story about a teacher in West Virginia who has decided to go public with her gambling addiction. The first sentence of the story reads; "Think you know what a gambling addict looks like? You might be surprised." The next few sentences are my opinion and please take this for what it is worth, maybe very little. It is amazing to me how the main stream media and for that matter the main stream public do not understand compulsive gambling. Fifty years ago compulsive gamblers were mostly male and could be found at the racetrack or local crap game. Today the compulsive gambler is the school teacher, college student, single mother, accountant, police Officer, attorney, high school student and retiree. It doesn't matter what social or economic background the compulsive gambler comes from (this includes me; very middle class background, mother a school teacher and father a fire captain) it knows no boundaries. Someone who works with compulsive gamblers. drug addicts and alcoholics once told me the programs for compulsive gamblers to seek treatment is where the programs for alcoholics and drug addicts were 50 years ago.
The world has change so much in fifty years but gambling has now become socially acceptable. I am certainly not against gambling. It provided a good living for me and my family for many years. I am for education, rehabilitation and awareness of this disease. Yes, it is a disease of the mind and makes rational people do irrational things. Many reading this just don't believe it but just ask anyone with an addiction and they will tell you the same things. These are not weak people these are normal people with a problem. Sometimes (like in my case) this problem consumes your life and there are only three ways to get out, prison, insanity or death. In some cases the compulsive gambler feels even after being in prison or being insane there is no way out and commits suicide. Yes, compulsive gambling has the highest suicide rate of any addiction because for the most part the only person that knows about the compulsive gambling is the compulsive gambler. By the time the spouse or family member finds out about the financial debacle the compulsive gambler has caused it appears to be too late and the unthinkable happens.
Life is worth living and it was worth living WITHOUT gambling. As each day passes I start to see things inside of me I never knew existed. It really is about self awareness and I have been blessed with a tremendous support group and no matter what happens to me my life is actually better now than it was 6 months ago. People can recover from a compulsive gambling addiction but it takes a great deal of commitment, hard work and support. I am so very happy to have found all three of these and my life gets better one day at a time.
I know the completion of the pool is a very trivial matter in the grand scheme of my life but my poor wife has been waiting so long for the completion of the pool. I am so happy we are still in the house so she and the children can enjoy it for a few months. Now some of you maybe asking did I do what I did so I could have a pool in my backyard and the answer would be a resounding no. In case you haven't been paying attention to these blogs are the past four months I did what I did so I could propel my fantasy life in gambling. This fantasy life and the world of denial caused me to do the things I did. By no means does this lessen or make what I did right; I take fully responsibility for my actions and will face some severe consequences in the very near future. I will not bore anyone with how I am taking the steps to get my life back together but not gambling; getting to understand myself; having the support of my family; going to Gamblers Anonymous; has certainly helped me find my true self.
Here is a story about a teacher in West Virginia who has decided to go public with her gambling addiction. The first sentence of the story reads; "Think you know what a gambling addict looks like? You might be surprised." The next few sentences are my opinion and please take this for what it is worth, maybe very little. It is amazing to me how the main stream media and for that matter the main stream public do not understand compulsive gambling. Fifty years ago compulsive gamblers were mostly male and could be found at the racetrack or local crap game. Today the compulsive gambler is the school teacher, college student, single mother, accountant, police Officer, attorney, high school student and retiree. It doesn't matter what social or economic background the compulsive gambler comes from (this includes me; very middle class background, mother a school teacher and father a fire captain) it knows no boundaries. Someone who works with compulsive gamblers. drug addicts and alcoholics once told me the programs for compulsive gamblers to seek treatment is where the programs for alcoholics and drug addicts were 50 years ago.
The world has change so much in fifty years but gambling has now become socially acceptable. I am certainly not against gambling. It provided a good living for me and my family for many years. I am for education, rehabilitation and awareness of this disease. Yes, it is a disease of the mind and makes rational people do irrational things. Many reading this just don't believe it but just ask anyone with an addiction and they will tell you the same things. These are not weak people these are normal people with a problem. Sometimes (like in my case) this problem consumes your life and there are only three ways to get out, prison, insanity or death. In some cases the compulsive gambler feels even after being in prison or being insane there is no way out and commits suicide. Yes, compulsive gambling has the highest suicide rate of any addiction because for the most part the only person that knows about the compulsive gambling is the compulsive gambler. By the time the spouse or family member finds out about the financial debacle the compulsive gambler has caused it appears to be too late and the unthinkable happens.
Life is worth living and it was worth living WITHOUT gambling. As each day passes I start to see things inside of me I never knew existed. It really is about self awareness and I have been blessed with a tremendous support group and no matter what happens to me my life is actually better now than it was 6 months ago. People can recover from a compulsive gambling addiction but it takes a great deal of commitment, hard work and support. I am so very happy to have found all three of these and my life gets better one day at a time.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Grandma is Here!!
Yes, Grandma did make it in safely this morning and her flight was even on time! Small miracles due exist! She was able to surprise her granddaughter who hasn't stopped laughing yet. It took a few seconds for my daughter to realize Grandma was standing in the kitchen but when she finally noticed Grandma my daughter's face lit up like a Christmas tree. She was so happy and no one can put a price on this happiness. My daughter and my Mom seem to share a very special bond because my daughter beams with delight when she is around her Grandma. It is fantastic to witness this event.
My wife and I went to pick up my Mom from the airport this morning. This is another one of the "benefits" I have in my current situation. Normally my wife would pick up the person coming in because I would have been at work. I got to share some very quality time with my wife on the drive up to the airport and some quality time with my Mom and my wife on the drive down from the airport. My mother was kind enough to treat us to lunch. We had some very good conversation which of course centered around my current situation and there were some very tender moments.
I had asked my wife a question regarding the events that have taken place in the past five and half months. I wanted to know if we didn't have children would she still stay with me anyway. Her answer was yes; which brought tears to my eyes and her's as well. I certainly have done some very terrible things to her and my children yet she is still standing by me. I cannot thank her enough for all of the strength and hope she has given me. Through this terrible situation we have found some very positives and we will continue to emphasize the positive; God I certainly love my wife more than anything.
My wife and I went to pick up my Mom from the airport this morning. This is another one of the "benefits" I have in my current situation. Normally my wife would pick up the person coming in because I would have been at work. I got to share some very quality time with my wife on the drive up to the airport and some quality time with my Mom and my wife on the drive down from the airport. My mother was kind enough to treat us to lunch. We had some very good conversation which of course centered around my current situation and there were some very tender moments.
I had asked my wife a question regarding the events that have taken place in the past five and half months. I wanted to know if we didn't have children would she still stay with me anyway. Her answer was yes; which brought tears to my eyes and her's as well. I certainly have done some very terrible things to her and my children yet she is still standing by me. I cannot thank her enough for all of the strength and hope she has given me. Through this terrible situation we have found some very positives and we will continue to emphasize the positive; God I certainly love my wife more than anything.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
One of "THOSE" Days
Did you ever have one of those days where no matter what you did it felt like nothing got accomplished? Yesterday was one of those days! My wife had cleaned out the "play room" and we decided to put a couch which has been in our garage for the past year into the play room because we finally had the room. I looked at the couch and looked at the entrance to the play room and knew it was going to be a challenge. My wife and I tried many different ways to get this couch in the play room but it just wasn't going to happen. We even enlisted the gentlemen working on our backyard and even they couldn't get the couch in the playroom. We tried to go through the window from the outside, this didn't work. We took all of the doors off; this didn't work. So after two and half hours and 6 different people trying to put this couch in the play room we gave up. Even the gentlemen who were helping us remarked it was the very first time they couldn't get a piece of furniture in a room! It really was a matter of mathematics the couch was too big and no matter which way we turned the couch it wasn't going in the room. After 2 1/2 hours the couch wound up right where it started in the garage.
Yesterday I spoke with someone who has been a big part of my life for the past four years and I realized something. The more things change the more they stay the same. Hopefully I am not foreshadowing myself because I am starting to change and I take full responsibility for what I have done. I am referring to certain individuals and organizations who really don't realize there are problems. This was myself for the past 20 plus years. I never knew I had a problem. I thought I could "handle" my gambling and I was only fooling myself. The gambling "handled" me right down the gutter. However; it won't defeat me because for the first time in my life I have admitted I have a problem and have turned this over to my higher power. I won't get all spiritual or religious on any of you but I will say this gambling demon is much bigger than me and I need help. I don't blame anyone but myself. I created this mess and have to live with the consequences but life really is so much better without gambling and good things are already happening in my life.
I realize this past paragraph was a bit repetitive and I believe it had to do with the person I spoke with yesterday. This person brings back all of my insanity and how stupid I had become. I believe it is good to be reminded of my past sins; however; I cannot remain in the past because of the self doubt and second guessing will literally bury me. I am visiting the past and I do not intend to stay too long. A brief visit to the past; my gambling had reached what I would term a professional stage. I really didn't enjoy the betting in the last year but it was something I HAD to do. Why? A number of reasons; I thought I would miss out on the next hot streak. Reality; the next hot streak inevitably turned into the next cold streak and more chasing would ensue. Also; I believed I HAD to wager every single day to get my fix.
There were very few days where I didn't place a sports bet and hardly ever more than two days in a row. I remember being in Mexico and carrying my laptop to the internet cafe so I could make my wagers for the evening. I was such a "professional" that I would place my wagers within 10 minutes and be back with the family and no one would know the difference. I have heard stories where people would be at the casino for days on end; they would turn off their pager or cell phone so their significant other couldn't get in touch with them. Not me; I knew this was one of the signs of a compulsive gambler so I made a conscious effort to always be available for my family. It was 20 years developing the highest degree of denial. In the end and especially now I realize it was absurd and if there is any person who could explain this behavior without the word addiction attached to it I would love to hear the explanation. Sorry to dwell in the past maybe a bit too long but I need these reminders and I know as each day passes and I do NOT gamble my life is on the right road.
We are preparing for a guest from the East Coast and she is arriving tomorrow. This is a surprise for my daughter. She doesn't know her grandmother is coming to visit. She thinks the next time she will see her grandmother will be next summer; my daughter should be very surprised when her grandmother picks her up from school tomorrow afternoon (God willing the airplane is on time.). I will let everyone know how it goes.
Yesterday I spoke with someone who has been a big part of my life for the past four years and I realized something. The more things change the more they stay the same. Hopefully I am not foreshadowing myself because I am starting to change and I take full responsibility for what I have done. I am referring to certain individuals and organizations who really don't realize there are problems. This was myself for the past 20 plus years. I never knew I had a problem. I thought I could "handle" my gambling and I was only fooling myself. The gambling "handled" me right down the gutter. However; it won't defeat me because for the first time in my life I have admitted I have a problem and have turned this over to my higher power. I won't get all spiritual or religious on any of you but I will say this gambling demon is much bigger than me and I need help. I don't blame anyone but myself. I created this mess and have to live with the consequences but life really is so much better without gambling and good things are already happening in my life.
I realize this past paragraph was a bit repetitive and I believe it had to do with the person I spoke with yesterday. This person brings back all of my insanity and how stupid I had become. I believe it is good to be reminded of my past sins; however; I cannot remain in the past because of the self doubt and second guessing will literally bury me. I am visiting the past and I do not intend to stay too long. A brief visit to the past; my gambling had reached what I would term a professional stage. I really didn't enjoy the betting in the last year but it was something I HAD to do. Why? A number of reasons; I thought I would miss out on the next hot streak. Reality; the next hot streak inevitably turned into the next cold streak and more chasing would ensue. Also; I believed I HAD to wager every single day to get my fix.
There were very few days where I didn't place a sports bet and hardly ever more than two days in a row. I remember being in Mexico and carrying my laptop to the internet cafe so I could make my wagers for the evening. I was such a "professional" that I would place my wagers within 10 minutes and be back with the family and no one would know the difference. I have heard stories where people would be at the casino for days on end; they would turn off their pager or cell phone so their significant other couldn't get in touch with them. Not me; I knew this was one of the signs of a compulsive gambler so I made a conscious effort to always be available for my family. It was 20 years developing the highest degree of denial. In the end and especially now I realize it was absurd and if there is any person who could explain this behavior without the word addiction attached to it I would love to hear the explanation. Sorry to dwell in the past maybe a bit too long but I need these reminders and I know as each day passes and I do NOT gamble my life is on the right road.
We are preparing for a guest from the East Coast and she is arriving tomorrow. This is a surprise for my daughter. She doesn't know her grandmother is coming to visit. She thinks the next time she will see her grandmother will be next summer; my daughter should be very surprised when her grandmother picks her up from school tomorrow afternoon (God willing the airplane is on time.). I will let everyone know how it goes.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Girl Scout Cookie Saga
My wife and her good friend had a Girl Scout Cookie meeting earlier this evening. As I wrote a few days ago some other mothers in my daughter's Brownie Troop have expressed their concerns with my wife being the "cookie Mom". This evening the question was asked to two different Girl Scout Leaders in financial positions. One of the leaders didn't quite understand why my wife would want to be the cookie Mom and suggested that my wife may want to re-think any possible financial positions. I need to explain this a bit further. This particular leader has some background in the banking arena and she stated it may be best if my wife stays clear of any unnecessary financial transactions. I believe she meant well and was looking after my wife's best interest; however; having heard this my wife broke down. I understand why she broke down; it is not her that should be prohibited from financial transactions it is me. My wife is a good person check that she is a great person and would not do anything inappropriate.
The second person my wife and her friend (actually it was her friend) spoke to was the ultimate cookie Mom in the area. I guess we can call her the Chief Financial Cookie Officer. She knew the situation without any explanations and said she didn't have any concerns with my wife being cookie Mom as long as the Leader (my wife's friend) trusted my wife. The leader does trust my wife and she has told her so. In summary; my wife was given consent to be the cookie Mom if she so chooses. Now comes the choice; my wife has not made up her mind if she wants to be the cookie Mom or not. She doesn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable with her being the cookie Mom and she certainly doesn't want any confrontations. She is going to sleep on it and make her decision in the next few days.
My wife is a genuine wonderful person and would not hurt anyone. I have put her through a lot and will continue to put her through a lot but it is so nice to know she is standing by me. I love her so very much and I am so very happy to have her in my life. It will take a lifetime to make up for what I have done to her and the children and I will try my best each and every day. I thank God for my family because without them my life would have no meaning.
The second person my wife and her friend (actually it was her friend) spoke to was the ultimate cookie Mom in the area. I guess we can call her the Chief Financial Cookie Officer. She knew the situation without any explanations and said she didn't have any concerns with my wife being cookie Mom as long as the Leader (my wife's friend) trusted my wife. The leader does trust my wife and she has told her so. In summary; my wife was given consent to be the cookie Mom if she so chooses. Now comes the choice; my wife has not made up her mind if she wants to be the cookie Mom or not. She doesn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable with her being the cookie Mom and she certainly doesn't want any confrontations. She is going to sleep on it and make her decision in the next few days.
My wife is a genuine wonderful person and would not hurt anyone. I have put her through a lot and will continue to put her through a lot but it is so nice to know she is standing by me. I love her so very much and I am so very happy to have her in my life. It will take a lifetime to make up for what I have done to her and the children and I will try my best each and every day. I thank God for my family because without them my life would have no meaning.
Monday, August 15, 2005
Good Children
One of the positives of my current situation is I am able to take my son to his pre-school and pick him and his sister up after their school day is complete. My daughter came with me to pick my son up from his pre-school today and it is so wonderful to speak with her about her school day. She is 7 1/2 years old and she is really turning into a little lady. When I picked my son up I spoke with one of his teachers and she told me what wonderful boy he is. I know it is only the fourth day of school but it is so glad to hear this. She went on to say he is so nice, respectful and listens to all of the teachers.
The children take naps from noon to two and my son was very concerned with taking a nap at school because last night when I was putting him to bed he expressed his concerns. I told him he doesn't have to take a nap at school but he has to lay down and not disturb the other children. I think I said this three or four times because he was very concerned with nap time. Today his teacher told me he didn't sleep at nap time but he laid down for the entire time and didn't bother any of the other children. Wow; he listened to what I said!!
My children are wonderful and I am so happy to see them grow and mature. I know in the not so distant future I may not have this luxury because of what I have done so I am enjoying each and every moment. They are such good children and obviously I am biased but it is so nice to have these feelings validated by people outside of my immediate family. My wife has done a wonderful job with our two children and she will continue no matter what happens to me. This is probably getting repetitive but I am truly blessed and I love my family so very much.
Another one of the positives of my situation is I got to watch the finish of the PGA Golf Championship. I know most people don't like watching golf but for some reason this is the only sport I have watched in the last six months. I enjoy watching golf and I especially enjoy watching the major championships like the one today. I must admit I always root for Tiger Woods. I know most non-golf people know this name and to me he is a special person much like Michael Jordan. (I am going to digress into some sports talk and for those non-sports fans I apologize.) I always liked to watch Michael Jordan play basketball because he did things no other human could do. I wasn't necessarily a fan of his team but I was a fan of him. I like watching Tiger Woods for the same reason I liked watching Michael Jordan. Tiger Woods can do things no other human can and to me it is wonderful to watch.
I was rooting for Tiger Woods but I knew he had no chance to win but I enjoyed watching Phil Mickelson play his final four holes. Usually I don't like to watch Phil Mickelson but two things made me root for him to win today. Number one; I saw how much he was enjoying himself and how the fans were rooting for him to win; he was really having a good time while he was playing and he never got down on himself. Number two; he and his wife took 1000 children to a San Diego Wal-Mart and bought all of the children new clothes for the coming school year. We always hear about the negative things athletes and entertainers and well just about everyone else does but the positives things usually get pushed aside. This is a positive that should be emphasized. Some one of Phil Mickelson's stature does not have to do these kinds of things but he and his wife did it because they wanted to. They wanted to give back to the community not for publicity or notoriety. They did this because to them it was the right thing to do. I commend them for this and I have a new found respect for Phil Mickelson and his family.
This brings to mind a story about a friend of mine who went to the same high school with Phil Mickelson. He played on the high school golf team with Phil Mickelson. My friend (incidentally I may never speak with this friend again but I am so glad to have known him for the short period of time that I did much like most of the people that have come and gone in my life.) was a senior in high school and Phil Mickelson was a freshmen. They played a golf match at Phil Mickelson's father country club and my friend actually beat him; however; the respect my friend has for Phil is enormous. I remember when Phil Mickelson won the Masters (another golf tournament) last year and how genuinely excited my friend was. The tournament was played on Easter Sunday and my friend was at his fiancé’s parents house and he kept going in and out of the family room so he could see the end of the golf tournament. No one else at the party seemed interested but this didn't stop my friend from watching and basking in the glory when the final putt dropped. I know these are little things and most likely insignificant things in the grand scope of my life but I really appreciate these moments more than ever.
It is amazing how much clearer my mind has become since I stopped all the lying, cheating and stealing caused by my compulsive gambling. Life has a new found meaning and even little things mean a lot. I read something awhile ago and it really didn't hit me until a few days ago. The article was talking about life and how some people have a big picture approach. Life isn't lived in the big picture it is lived in small doses (I call this one day at a time.) and those small doses make up the big picture. Sometimes all our great plans go astray but the little moments can lead to big fulfilling moments so I intend to enjoy all the little moments one day at a time.
Happy birthday to my brother-in-law Rob!!!!
The children take naps from noon to two and my son was very concerned with taking a nap at school because last night when I was putting him to bed he expressed his concerns. I told him he doesn't have to take a nap at school but he has to lay down and not disturb the other children. I think I said this three or four times because he was very concerned with nap time. Today his teacher told me he didn't sleep at nap time but he laid down for the entire time and didn't bother any of the other children. Wow; he listened to what I said!!
My children are wonderful and I am so happy to see them grow and mature. I know in the not so distant future I may not have this luxury because of what I have done so I am enjoying each and every moment. They are such good children and obviously I am biased but it is so nice to have these feelings validated by people outside of my immediate family. My wife has done a wonderful job with our two children and she will continue no matter what happens to me. This is probably getting repetitive but I am truly blessed and I love my family so very much.
Another one of the positives of my situation is I got to watch the finish of the PGA Golf Championship. I know most people don't like watching golf but for some reason this is the only sport I have watched in the last six months. I enjoy watching golf and I especially enjoy watching the major championships like the one today. I must admit I always root for Tiger Woods. I know most non-golf people know this name and to me he is a special person much like Michael Jordan. (I am going to digress into some sports talk and for those non-sports fans I apologize.) I always liked to watch Michael Jordan play basketball because he did things no other human could do. I wasn't necessarily a fan of his team but I was a fan of him. I like watching Tiger Woods for the same reason I liked watching Michael Jordan. Tiger Woods can do things no other human can and to me it is wonderful to watch.
I was rooting for Tiger Woods but I knew he had no chance to win but I enjoyed watching Phil Mickelson play his final four holes. Usually I don't like to watch Phil Mickelson but two things made me root for him to win today. Number one; I saw how much he was enjoying himself and how the fans were rooting for him to win; he was really having a good time while he was playing and he never got down on himself. Number two; he and his wife took 1000 children to a San Diego Wal-Mart and bought all of the children new clothes for the coming school year. We always hear about the negative things athletes and entertainers and well just about everyone else does but the positives things usually get pushed aside. This is a positive that should be emphasized. Some one of Phil Mickelson's stature does not have to do these kinds of things but he and his wife did it because they wanted to. They wanted to give back to the community not for publicity or notoriety. They did this because to them it was the right thing to do. I commend them for this and I have a new found respect for Phil Mickelson and his family.
This brings to mind a story about a friend of mine who went to the same high school with Phil Mickelson. He played on the high school golf team with Phil Mickelson. My friend (incidentally I may never speak with this friend again but I am so glad to have known him for the short period of time that I did much like most of the people that have come and gone in my life.) was a senior in high school and Phil Mickelson was a freshmen. They played a golf match at Phil Mickelson's father country club and my friend actually beat him; however; the respect my friend has for Phil is enormous. I remember when Phil Mickelson won the Masters (another golf tournament) last year and how genuinely excited my friend was. The tournament was played on Easter Sunday and my friend was at his fiancé’s parents house and he kept going in and out of the family room so he could see the end of the golf tournament. No one else at the party seemed interested but this didn't stop my friend from watching and basking in the glory when the final putt dropped. I know these are little things and most likely insignificant things in the grand scope of my life but I really appreciate these moments more than ever.
It is amazing how much clearer my mind has become since I stopped all the lying, cheating and stealing caused by my compulsive gambling. Life has a new found meaning and even little things mean a lot. I read something awhile ago and it really didn't hit me until a few days ago. The article was talking about life and how some people have a big picture approach. Life isn't lived in the big picture it is lived in small doses (I call this one day at a time.) and those small doses make up the big picture. Sometimes all our great plans go astray but the little moments can lead to big fulfilling moments so I intend to enjoy all the little moments one day at a time.
Happy birthday to my brother-in-law Rob!!!!
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Football Season
It must be football season because my regular mailbox and email box is filled with offers from internet sport books. Not to worry I have no urge to send money (not that I have any money to send over but I am sure if I wanted to I would find a way; I have in the past) to any of these internet sport books even though they seem to be offering the world. Many have promised so many goodies and free money. I certainly know nothing in this world is free especially money. If I send over $2000 this one sports book would give me $900 free money. "Free money" what a concept!! I have been there and done that. This "free money" has cost me lots and lots of real money in the past.
Also for some reason I never really liked football season when I was betting. Now please don't get me wrong I would bet on football and bet heavily but I preferred baseball and basketball to football because they were everyday occurrences. I didn't like that I had to wait one week to bet the football games. In addition the weekend was the hardest for me to conceal my betting because I wasn't at work where no one cared whether I was betting; I was at home and had to make sure I was awake by a certain time and my wife was not aware of what I was doing. All in all making the wagers on the weekend was a hassle but I still did it anyway. Another one of those ridiculous moments in my life which means absolutely nothing now but pain and suffering to my family. Yes, my compulsive gambling was not an intellectual event it was something I just did over and over again.
My Gamblers Anonymous meetings are for the most part an amazing event. All of the crap I have done to myself and my family and negative thoughts I have about myself are put to rest for two hours during my Gamblers Anonymous meetings. It is certainly a safety zone where everyone has the same problem and no one judges the next person. We just want people to stop gambling and get their lives back. After each meeting I have always felt better than I did before entering. With that said; a fellow GA member after our meeting yesterday made a comment to me and it was a bit insensitive (at least my perception). I am not going to make a big deal about this but I want to write about it because in the past I would usually bury things and invariably those things would come back to haunt me without me even knowing about it. I felt the need to completely defend myself but I restrained my comeback to a few sentences and this person took it a step further regarding my situation. Again, I felt the need to defend myself but held back.
In my mind I did the right thing. People will be people and for the most part people are kind, caring, generous and sensitive. It is the 1% that are mean, insensitive, unkind, and greedy. I will not let this 1% rule my life and even though this person is a member of GA they still said things I deemed inappropriate. Why do people do this? I have no idea and I cannot control their thoughts. I can only control my own thoughts and I know I am doing the right things and I know where I have come from and where I am going and it is the right road.
People are entitled to their opinions and as long as no physical harm comes to me or my family these people have every right to express their opinions. We live in a free society and I thank God I was born in this country because other countries do not have the freedoms we so enjoy. I say let people say what they want because I know I am doing the right things in my heart and in my head. I am doing these things for all the right reasons and I am finally getting to know my true self. I thank God, my family and GA for this.
Also for some reason I never really liked football season when I was betting. Now please don't get me wrong I would bet on football and bet heavily but I preferred baseball and basketball to football because they were everyday occurrences. I didn't like that I had to wait one week to bet the football games. In addition the weekend was the hardest for me to conceal my betting because I wasn't at work where no one cared whether I was betting; I was at home and had to make sure I was awake by a certain time and my wife was not aware of what I was doing. All in all making the wagers on the weekend was a hassle but I still did it anyway. Another one of those ridiculous moments in my life which means absolutely nothing now but pain and suffering to my family. Yes, my compulsive gambling was not an intellectual event it was something I just did over and over again.
My Gamblers Anonymous meetings are for the most part an amazing event. All of the crap I have done to myself and my family and negative thoughts I have about myself are put to rest for two hours during my Gamblers Anonymous meetings. It is certainly a safety zone where everyone has the same problem and no one judges the next person. We just want people to stop gambling and get their lives back. After each meeting I have always felt better than I did before entering. With that said; a fellow GA member after our meeting yesterday made a comment to me and it was a bit insensitive (at least my perception). I am not going to make a big deal about this but I want to write about it because in the past I would usually bury things and invariably those things would come back to haunt me without me even knowing about it. I felt the need to completely defend myself but I restrained my comeback to a few sentences and this person took it a step further regarding my situation. Again, I felt the need to defend myself but held back.
In my mind I did the right thing. People will be people and for the most part people are kind, caring, generous and sensitive. It is the 1% that are mean, insensitive, unkind, and greedy. I will not let this 1% rule my life and even though this person is a member of GA they still said things I deemed inappropriate. Why do people do this? I have no idea and I cannot control their thoughts. I can only control my own thoughts and I know I am doing the right things and I know where I have come from and where I am going and it is the right road.
People are entitled to their opinions and as long as no physical harm comes to me or my family these people have every right to express their opinions. We live in a free society and I thank God I was born in this country because other countries do not have the freedoms we so enjoy. I say let people say what they want because I know I am doing the right things in my heart and in my head. I am doing these things for all the right reasons and I am finally getting to know my true self. I thank God, my family and GA for this.
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Barry Minkow
Does anyone know Barry Minkow? I am not sure anyone will remember him but I know his story very well. In fact when his story first came to light back in the 1980's I remember being drawn to it. Was I drawn to it because of what would happen almost 20 years later? Who knows but I remember him well. I was reading the local newspaper and his name was mentioned. I wondered what had happened to Barry Minkow so I looked him up on the internet. Before I go into his story I will say this story has nothing to do to with compulsive gambling it has to do with fraud.
At the age of 16 Mr. Minkow started a carpet cleaning business ZZZZ Best in his family's garage. By the age of 20 this carpet cleaning business was pulling down $240 million a year. The only problem was Barry wasn't happy with just cleaning carpets he wanted more. He swindled many "Wall Street" type investors out of a great deal of money. These people were highly educated and bought into Mr. Minkow's scheme to the tune of $26 million. At the age of 23 this scheme came to an end and he was sentenced to 25 years in federal prison along with a restitution amount of $26 million. Remember this is well before Enron, WorldCom and Arthur Andersen. At the time the sentence was the harshest handed down for such a crime.
Mr. Minkow served 7 years of his 25 year sentence and while he was in prison he earned his B.A. and Master of Arts degree in Church Ministries from Liberty University. He decided to turn his life over to Jesus. Mr. Minkow is now Senior Pastor Minkow at the Community Bible Church in San Diego, California. He gives seminars on fraud prevention and has helped both the FBI and Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) on fraud cases. The article I read this morning was about Mr. Minkow and how he helped the SEC solve a ponzi scheme. In fact one of my old bosses in Las Vegas went to a seminar and Mr. Minkow was the guest speaker and he said his speech was fascinating.
Here is an excerpt from an interview with Barry Minkow he was talking about WorldCom, Enron, Arthur Andersen, Global Crossing, Xerox, Merck and any other business that had been perpetrated by fraud; I find this fascinating; "Everyone I met in prison had one thing in common - they never planned on being there," he says, talking loud and fast and expansively, still with a salesman's charm, using my name at every possible opportunity. "And not one of those companies went into business to defraud. Not one. Neither did I. What people don't realize is that fraud is always a means to an end, never an end in itself. There is always a rationalization: I'm going to do this now, and it's tough, but next week we're gonna get some big carpet-cleaning jobs, whatever, and we're gonna make it back, pay everyone back, nobody's gonna be hurt - and that will be the cure." You can insert the big gambling win for me where appropriate.
He now resides in San Diego with his wife and 1 year old twin adopted Guatemalan boys. His consulting firm has exposed an estimated $1 billion in fraud and he still has to pay back the $26 million in restitution to a bank. He know the $26 million is a life sentence but he has committed his life to a positive purpose. Most people thought Mr. Minkow was putting on front with his religious conviction and thought once he got out of prison he would resort to his old ways. He has been out of prison for 9 years and is the Senior Pastor for his congregation and gives speeches to CEO's and CFO's on how to suspect fraud. I would say he has turned his life around in a positive manner.
At the age of 16 Mr. Minkow started a carpet cleaning business ZZZZ Best in his family's garage. By the age of 20 this carpet cleaning business was pulling down $240 million a year. The only problem was Barry wasn't happy with just cleaning carpets he wanted more. He swindled many "Wall Street" type investors out of a great deal of money. These people were highly educated and bought into Mr. Minkow's scheme to the tune of $26 million. At the age of 23 this scheme came to an end and he was sentenced to 25 years in federal prison along with a restitution amount of $26 million. Remember this is well before Enron, WorldCom and Arthur Andersen. At the time the sentence was the harshest handed down for such a crime.
Mr. Minkow served 7 years of his 25 year sentence and while he was in prison he earned his B.A. and Master of Arts degree in Church Ministries from Liberty University. He decided to turn his life over to Jesus. Mr. Minkow is now Senior Pastor Minkow at the Community Bible Church in San Diego, California. He gives seminars on fraud prevention and has helped both the FBI and Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) on fraud cases. The article I read this morning was about Mr. Minkow and how he helped the SEC solve a ponzi scheme. In fact one of my old bosses in Las Vegas went to a seminar and Mr. Minkow was the guest speaker and he said his speech was fascinating.
Here is an excerpt from an interview with Barry Minkow he was talking about WorldCom, Enron, Arthur Andersen, Global Crossing, Xerox, Merck and any other business that had been perpetrated by fraud; I find this fascinating; "Everyone I met in prison had one thing in common - they never planned on being there," he says, talking loud and fast and expansively, still with a salesman's charm, using my name at every possible opportunity. "And not one of those companies went into business to defraud. Not one. Neither did I. What people don't realize is that fraud is always a means to an end, never an end in itself. There is always a rationalization: I'm going to do this now, and it's tough, but next week we're gonna get some big carpet-cleaning jobs, whatever, and we're gonna make it back, pay everyone back, nobody's gonna be hurt - and that will be the cure." You can insert the big gambling win for me where appropriate.
He now resides in San Diego with his wife and 1 year old twin adopted Guatemalan boys. His consulting firm has exposed an estimated $1 billion in fraud and he still has to pay back the $26 million in restitution to a bank. He know the $26 million is a life sentence but he has committed his life to a positive purpose. Most people thought Mr. Minkow was putting on front with his religious conviction and thought once he got out of prison he would resort to his old ways. He has been out of prison for 9 years and is the Senior Pastor for his congregation and gives speeches to CEO's and CFO's on how to suspect fraud. I would say he has turned his life around in a positive manner.
Friday, August 12, 2005
Blame Me!
One of the hardest things to deal with in my situation is knowing how much I have effected other people especially my immediate family. Everyone should realize I did this not my wife, daughter or son. Punish me not them. I am truly sorry for my actions and I am dealing with the consequences; however; there is no need to punish my family for my actions. When all my bad deeds came to fruition early in March my daughter was punished. She sold 91 boxes of Girl Scout cookies to people I worked with. She was set to deliver the cookies the day after my bad deeds became somewhat public. Upper management at my previous employer instructed everyone I worked with to have no contact with me what so ever or they would face disciplinarian actions and possibly termination. At the time I thought this to be silly because my daughter sold Girl Scout cookies to many of my co-workers and they stood to be fired if they picked up the Girl Scout cookies. Now I understand the position my previous employer took but I still regret my daughter had been punished by MY actions. My daughter could not deliver any of these Girl Scout cookies nor could anyone from my previous work stop by the house to pick them up. In essence my daughter was punished for the things I have done, I apologize to my daughter I certainly did not mean this to happen.
Another issue arose today with my wife and it did not have to do with my previous employer it had to do with Girl Scouts. My wife was the "cookie Mom" last year in Girl Scouts. Which means she was responsible for the distribution of the cookies and the collection of the monies. One of the Co-Leaders in the Girl Scout actually it is Brownies troop raised some concerns about having my wife be the cookie Mom this year. Again, my wife is not been accused nor did she have anything to do with what I did, it was ME. Please raise your concerns with me not my wife. This particular co-leader is concerned with the "reputation" of the Brownies. My wife had to take a certification class last year to be the cookie mom she was even fingerprinted. My wife passed the class and was the cookie Mom last year without any incidents. I certainly would expect the same results this year.
I want to take this a step further because the co-leader who expressed her concern did not say it to my wife directly. She went to the other co-leader and expressed her concerns. The other Co-Leader (who by the way is an outstanding person) has enough respect for my wife to tell her this issue directly. My wife is a kind and generous person and I can only imagine what is going on inside her. I am truly sorry for what I have done to her. When my wife told me all of this earlier today I was very upset and mostly upset at myself.
I guess it is the old guilt by association but it is not. If someone has a problem with me I can certainly understand it but if they have a problem with my wife or children because of what I have done it makes me feel worse. Also; if someone confronts me directly about an issue I would have no problem talking about the issue but if they go behind my back and act like nothing is a matter when something is definitely a matter I do have a problem. This particular Co-Leader is so very nice to my wife in person but when my wife leaves the scene it is another story. I thoroughly doubt I or my wife can change this person's opinion regarding my wife be the cookie Mom but why doesn't she have enough class to say it to my wife in person. Yes, it is a touchy subject and no one really likes confrontation but it only makes the situation worse.
As you can tell I really dislike what I have done to my family and one of the natural questions would be; why did you do it in the first place. Unfortunately I do not have an answer that everyone will understand. If you are a compulsive gambler you will understand; however; if you are a normal person like most of the population you have no idea. When I was in the throws of doing whatever it took to make my next wager I thought of nothing but the next wager. I certainly didn't way the consequences and then decide to do what I did. I just did whatever it took so I could stay in action. One of our long time members spoke of values last night at the Gamblers Anonymous meeting and he was so right. When I was in the midst of gambling and doing whatever it took I had no values. Now I am on the other side (road to recovery) and fully understand what a strong value system represents. The whole concept of values was obliterated by my gambling behavior now I am getting those values back one day at a time.
Here is a story where most of you would say either what was he thinking or how stupid can he be. I didn't do anything violent; however; I can empathize with this man because of his desire to make the next bet. Please consider this; this man was a career Air Force Master Sergeant and was a few months away from retirement do you think his master plan including robbing banks?
Another issue arose today with my wife and it did not have to do with my previous employer it had to do with Girl Scouts. My wife was the "cookie Mom" last year in Girl Scouts. Which means she was responsible for the distribution of the cookies and the collection of the monies. One of the Co-Leaders in the Girl Scout actually it is Brownies troop raised some concerns about having my wife be the cookie Mom this year. Again, my wife is not been accused nor did she have anything to do with what I did, it was ME. Please raise your concerns with me not my wife. This particular co-leader is concerned with the "reputation" of the Brownies. My wife had to take a certification class last year to be the cookie mom she was even fingerprinted. My wife passed the class and was the cookie Mom last year without any incidents. I certainly would expect the same results this year.
I want to take this a step further because the co-leader who expressed her concern did not say it to my wife directly. She went to the other co-leader and expressed her concerns. The other Co-Leader (who by the way is an outstanding person) has enough respect for my wife to tell her this issue directly. My wife is a kind and generous person and I can only imagine what is going on inside her. I am truly sorry for what I have done to her. When my wife told me all of this earlier today I was very upset and mostly upset at myself.
I guess it is the old guilt by association but it is not. If someone has a problem with me I can certainly understand it but if they have a problem with my wife or children because of what I have done it makes me feel worse. Also; if someone confronts me directly about an issue I would have no problem talking about the issue but if they go behind my back and act like nothing is a matter when something is definitely a matter I do have a problem. This particular Co-Leader is so very nice to my wife in person but when my wife leaves the scene it is another story. I thoroughly doubt I or my wife can change this person's opinion regarding my wife be the cookie Mom but why doesn't she have enough class to say it to my wife in person. Yes, it is a touchy subject and no one really likes confrontation but it only makes the situation worse.
As you can tell I really dislike what I have done to my family and one of the natural questions would be; why did you do it in the first place. Unfortunately I do not have an answer that everyone will understand. If you are a compulsive gambler you will understand; however; if you are a normal person like most of the population you have no idea. When I was in the throws of doing whatever it took to make my next wager I thought of nothing but the next wager. I certainly didn't way the consequences and then decide to do what I did. I just did whatever it took so I could stay in action. One of our long time members spoke of values last night at the Gamblers Anonymous meeting and he was so right. When I was in the midst of gambling and doing whatever it took I had no values. Now I am on the other side (road to recovery) and fully understand what a strong value system represents. The whole concept of values was obliterated by my gambling behavior now I am getting those values back one day at a time.
Here is a story where most of you would say either what was he thinking or how stupid can he be. I didn't do anything violent; however; I can empathize with this man because of his desire to make the next bet. Please consider this; this man was a career Air Force Master Sergeant and was a few months away from retirement do you think his master plan including robbing banks?
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Celebration
Tonight I went to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting and we were celebrating a birthday. Today's birthday marked three years this particular member had since making their last bet. It is a cause for celebration. One of the many wonderful things about GA is the tremendous support from fellow members and tonight was no exception. This particular member is late in their life but this disease of compulsive gambling knows no boundaries. It affects the young, old and everyone in between. The fact that this member hadn't made a wager for three years is a true testament to the member and to the program. It is not too late to change. Gambling has caused an enormous amount of difficulty in my life but recovery has given me a sense of purpose. I saw this purpose this evening. Even though this member was late in their life they had all of their mental capacity. I could only hope to live so long and if I did I could only hope to have half the mental capacity of this member!
Another one of the perks of the program is driving to the meeting with a fellow member. The meeting was about a 40 minute drive and I drove with another wonderful person from our fellowship. Even though we are different and our drugs of choice were different we both suffered from the same disease; the inability to control our gambling. The fellow member was feeling down prior to the meeting; however; after attending the meeting something almost always happens to my spirit and this is what happened to my fellow member. Their spirit was uplifted. No matter how bad I think life is when I go to a GA meeting life instantly gets better during and after the meeting. The program truly works for me.
After the meeting I decided to stop and get frozen yogurt for myself and my wife. As I was walking into to the frozen yogurt store I saw a person from my previous work. This is the second (non-custody) time where I saw someone from my previous work. The first time the person didn't see me because I went down a different aisle of the grocery store. This time I walked right past the person and we both acknowledged each other and kept walking. As soon as I saw the person my heart started racing and instantly felt bad. We both said the cursory hello and moved on. When I got into the yogurt store I had to stop and catch my breath. It really hurts knowing what I did and those I have affected.
The other day I was driving with my son and out of the blue he remarked "we haven't gone to your work in a long time when are we going to your work?" My heart skipped a few beats after he made this statement. In the past I would take my daughter and son into the office on a Saturday or Sunday. They loved to write on the white board and play with the sticky pads and copy machine. (I wonder if their drawings are still on the white board?) My son and daughter looked forward to going to my work because they had fun. After my heart finished skipping a few beats I told my son "Daddy doesn't work there anymore and we won't be going, Daddy works at home now". There will come a time later in his life where I will explain as to why Daddy doesn't work there but I will wait for a time where he will be able to comprehend the bad thing that Daddy did. Children are lovely and instantly bring me back to center.
Happy Anniversary to Jen and John!!!
Another one of the perks of the program is driving to the meeting with a fellow member. The meeting was about a 40 minute drive and I drove with another wonderful person from our fellowship. Even though we are different and our drugs of choice were different we both suffered from the same disease; the inability to control our gambling. The fellow member was feeling down prior to the meeting; however; after attending the meeting something almost always happens to my spirit and this is what happened to my fellow member. Their spirit was uplifted. No matter how bad I think life is when I go to a GA meeting life instantly gets better during and after the meeting. The program truly works for me.
After the meeting I decided to stop and get frozen yogurt for myself and my wife. As I was walking into to the frozen yogurt store I saw a person from my previous work. This is the second (non-custody) time where I saw someone from my previous work. The first time the person didn't see me because I went down a different aisle of the grocery store. This time I walked right past the person and we both acknowledged each other and kept walking. As soon as I saw the person my heart started racing and instantly felt bad. We both said the cursory hello and moved on. When I got into the yogurt store I had to stop and catch my breath. It really hurts knowing what I did and those I have affected.
The other day I was driving with my son and out of the blue he remarked "we haven't gone to your work in a long time when are we going to your work?" My heart skipped a few beats after he made this statement. In the past I would take my daughter and son into the office on a Saturday or Sunday. They loved to write on the white board and play with the sticky pads and copy machine. (I wonder if their drawings are still on the white board?) My son and daughter looked forward to going to my work because they had fun. After my heart finished skipping a few beats I told my son "Daddy doesn't work there anymore and we won't be going, Daddy works at home now". There will come a time later in his life where I will explain as to why Daddy doesn't work there but I will wait for a time where he will be able to comprehend the bad thing that Daddy did. Children are lovely and instantly bring me back to center.
Happy Anniversary to Jen and John!!!
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
First Day of School
Didn't I just write "Last Day of School"?? My oh my how the summer has flown by. Both of my children started school today. My daughter started second grade with her very pregnant and very young teacher. She is due in a few weeks and she will transition the students to a long term substitute. We have heard the substitute is very good as is the very pregnant teacher. Yes, she looked so young but this only means I am getting older (in two weeks I will be 40 but this is a story for another day!!). My daughter had a very good first day of school and she knew 5 other students in her class. Two of the students she knew were from her first grade class and the other 3 were friends from the neighborhood. One of the students she knows from her 1st grade class has another connection and it is one of irony. I will not go into at this time but someone has a sense of humor. I think this is someone in the fate and irony school. My daughter did miss her 1st grade teacher because (as I have written before) her 1st grade teacher is one of those teachers you remember forever she is that good!!
My son started a new pre-school today and it appears to be a very good program. We were able to get him into the state (California) funded pre-school and it is a kindergarten readiness class. He is in a classroom as if he were in kindergarten and the teachers will be preparing the students for kindergarten. My son has gone to pre-school for 2 years and we really liked the pre-school; however; we felt like he needed more structure. His previous pre-school was in a house and the lead (owner) teacher was very nice and giving but it is not like a kindergarten class. I think this pre-school (the one we enrolled him in) will be a great transition for him into kindergarten.
My wife and I went in for the three hour orientation along with our son and the rest of his classmates. The teachers had the children play outside while the Director of the program explained how the program works and what is expected of the child and parents. The children were outside for an hour and when they came back in I was curious to see if my son had made a friend. Sure enough he had made a friend and it was as if they had known each other their entire four years of existence. Even one of the teachers asked us if the two boys were neighborhood or family friends before entering the pre-school. No, they had met just this morning. I was so happy to see my son interacting with his new friend and the other children in his class. He is a very good boy and he listened to the teachers.
My son is definitely a follower not a leader. This is fine with me because everyone cannot be a leader. I just hope my son follows the "right" people because my wife and I can give him all the guidance in the world but when he enters school and is out on his own his friends will have a big influence on him. This is why it is so vital we monitor his friend activities. I am not saying we are going to stop him from being friends with anyone but we have to be involved in his activities. Whereas my daughter is neither a leader nor a follower she sort of makes her own way. She makes very good decisions and does very well on her own. She is 7 years old and plays in her room alone for hours listening to music and playing with her dolls. She is so happy with this time and she really hates when her little brother comes into her room. Of course her little brother being the follower that he is wants to play with his big sister but big sister will have none of this. It is amazing how two people with the same genetic make-up could have such different personalities. Thank goodness both of their personalities are very good in different ways.
I am truly blessed with these two children and this is a testament in how my wife has raised these children. I will say it again I am truly blessed with my entire family.
My son started a new pre-school today and it appears to be a very good program. We were able to get him into the state (California) funded pre-school and it is a kindergarten readiness class. He is in a classroom as if he were in kindergarten and the teachers will be preparing the students for kindergarten. My son has gone to pre-school for 2 years and we really liked the pre-school; however; we felt like he needed more structure. His previous pre-school was in a house and the lead (owner) teacher was very nice and giving but it is not like a kindergarten class. I think this pre-school (the one we enrolled him in) will be a great transition for him into kindergarten.
My wife and I went in for the three hour orientation along with our son and the rest of his classmates. The teachers had the children play outside while the Director of the program explained how the program works and what is expected of the child and parents. The children were outside for an hour and when they came back in I was curious to see if my son had made a friend. Sure enough he had made a friend and it was as if they had known each other their entire four years of existence. Even one of the teachers asked us if the two boys were neighborhood or family friends before entering the pre-school. No, they had met just this morning. I was so happy to see my son interacting with his new friend and the other children in his class. He is a very good boy and he listened to the teachers.
My son is definitely a follower not a leader. This is fine with me because everyone cannot be a leader. I just hope my son follows the "right" people because my wife and I can give him all the guidance in the world but when he enters school and is out on his own his friends will have a big influence on him. This is why it is so vital we monitor his friend activities. I am not saying we are going to stop him from being friends with anyone but we have to be involved in his activities. Whereas my daughter is neither a leader nor a follower she sort of makes her own way. She makes very good decisions and does very well on her own. She is 7 years old and plays in her room alone for hours listening to music and playing with her dolls. She is so happy with this time and she really hates when her little brother comes into her room. Of course her little brother being the follower that he is wants to play with his big sister but big sister will have none of this. It is amazing how two people with the same genetic make-up could have such different personalities. Thank goodness both of their personalities are very good in different ways.
I am truly blessed with these two children and this is a testament in how my wife has raised these children. I will say it again I am truly blessed with my entire family.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Be Careful
This first and second paragraphs contain some sensitive information so if you are a bit squeamish or easily rattled please skip to the third paragraph. You have been warned! Why is it when your child throws up there is no sympathy throw up for the mother or father. Now I am speaking from my own experiences so your experiences may differ but I have been around other people and children who have thrown up and I instantly get the "sympathy" throw-up syndrome but when my children throw up nothing happens to me. (I told you this was a vile subject matter, sorry!!)
After eating lunch today my son was complaining his stomach hurt and this is not necessary the first time he has complained his stomach hurt after eating so I wasn't so sympathetic. I told him to go lay down on the couch and as he was going to the couch he got the throw up reflex (sorry for all these advance medical terms regarding regurgitate!). I instantly directed him to the bathroom and luckily the bathroom was only a few feet away. Sure enough once he got to the toilet he threw up three separate times and all I kept saying was; "you shouldn't have had that chocolate milk". (Does this make me a bad Dad because I was unsympathetic to my child who was throwing up??) Yes, chocolate milk was the only thing he threw up and there was lot of it. Again so sorry for the description but you were warned. I didn't get the slightest sympathy throw up and luckily he was able to contain everything in the bathroom. After he was done it was like it never happened (at least to my son) and all he kept saying was I want more chocolate milk. Oh to have a stomach like a four year old boy!! He bounced back so fast he was hungry five minutes later. Sorry but I had to share the story!!
I still do not know what has been filed on my case because with this being the information age sometimes the information takes longer to decipher than it does to discover. I am not sure this makes sense but I don't know what it is nor does my attorney. No need to get worked up over it because I have taken the advice of my mother; "hope for the best but expect the worst".
Okay who really skipped the first and second paragraphs??
After eating lunch today my son was complaining his stomach hurt and this is not necessary the first time he has complained his stomach hurt after eating so I wasn't so sympathetic. I told him to go lay down on the couch and as he was going to the couch he got the throw up reflex (sorry for all these advance medical terms regarding regurgitate!). I instantly directed him to the bathroom and luckily the bathroom was only a few feet away. Sure enough once he got to the toilet he threw up three separate times and all I kept saying was; "you shouldn't have had that chocolate milk". (Does this make me a bad Dad because I was unsympathetic to my child who was throwing up??) Yes, chocolate milk was the only thing he threw up and there was lot of it. Again so sorry for the description but you were warned. I didn't get the slightest sympathy throw up and luckily he was able to contain everything in the bathroom. After he was done it was like it never happened (at least to my son) and all he kept saying was I want more chocolate milk. Oh to have a stomach like a four year old boy!! He bounced back so fast he was hungry five minutes later. Sorry but I had to share the story!!
I still do not know what has been filed on my case because with this being the information age sometimes the information takes longer to decipher than it does to discover. I am not sure this makes sense but I don't know what it is nor does my attorney. No need to get worked up over it because I have taken the advice of my mother; "hope for the best but expect the worst".
Okay who really skipped the first and second paragraphs??
Monday, August 08, 2005
Gambling's Grip
My apologies to everyone regarding yesterday's posting. The link to the story title In Gambling's Grip for some reason did not work. The story appears in the Sunday LA Times and hopefully the link I inserted today will work. Also regarding the online compulsive gambler help group my wonderful friend from the Great White North and I have started a group here is the link to this group. I must lay a disclaimer even though my wonderful friend and I have started the group we do not have a ownership claim in the site. We are merely caretakers and the site belongs to all of the members. I would like to invite anyone who has a gambling problem or who has been affected by someone with a gambling problem to join. I am looking forward to interacting with all the new members.
I have some news to report on my case and I shouldn't really say anything until I know what it is but I have to relay this story. I was looking at my case report online as I normally do once or twice a week and I noticed something had been filed today regarding my case. I naturally called my attorney hoping he could shed some light on the subject matter; however; as is the case most times I find out things about my case before he does. He didn't know what it was and he called to find out and no one could give him a straight answer. He will go over to the DA's office tomorrow and find out. When I first saw the filing my heart started racing and I had all types of thoughts. After about one minute I took a deep breath and said to myself; there is nothing I can do about it until I know what it is and even if I find out about it there is probably nothing I can do anyway. I cannot get worked up about whatever it is because it will make me more crazy than I already am. Oh how does the serenity prayer go; God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..... I can't change any of this and I must be surrounded by positive influences because those negatives ones are of no value to me.
This afternoon I had the pleasure of taking my son and daughter out to the local golf course. My daughter has been asking me all summer; when are you going to take me golfing? Since she and her brother start school on Wednesday I thought today would be an ideal day. I have taken my son and daughter golfing before but never together. I enjoyed the afternoon with those two immensely. Each one has their own set of miniature golf clubs and each one takes a mighty swing. The best part of the day for my daughter was driving the golf cart. She is actually big enough to reach the pedals but hasn't grasp the principle of using the big pedal in the middle you know the BRAKE pedal. She was using the two feet method; one on the gas and the other foot on the brake; it made for a fun ride. She got the hang of it by the 17th hole!!!
I did ask both of them if they were having fun and my always cheerful son said yes very quickly and my daughter said, "yes, kind of". I asked her what do you mean by "kind of" and she replied; "I am kind of jealous of Jonathan (her brother) because he can hit the golf ball further than I can". Remember my daughter is three years older than her brother and she wants to do everything better than him and she saw a few times when her brother hit the golf ball further than her and she became jealous. I thought this was so sweet. My daughter is a very innocent soft spoken seven year old when you first meet her but underneath this soft spoken exterior lies a very competitive individual. She is so hard on herself when she doesn't do things perfectly. I don't know where this will lead in the future but I am trying to teach her it is okay if she doesn't hit the golf ball further than her brother and it is okay if things aren't perfect. Also if she wants to hit the golf ball further than her brother she will have to practice more because her brother even though he is only four years old really likes swinging a golf club. I think this is natural for four year old boys because they like swinging anything!!! It was a wonderful afternoon.
I have some news to report on my case and I shouldn't really say anything until I know what it is but I have to relay this story. I was looking at my case report online as I normally do once or twice a week and I noticed something had been filed today regarding my case. I naturally called my attorney hoping he could shed some light on the subject matter; however; as is the case most times I find out things about my case before he does. He didn't know what it was and he called to find out and no one could give him a straight answer. He will go over to the DA's office tomorrow and find out. When I first saw the filing my heart started racing and I had all types of thoughts. After about one minute I took a deep breath and said to myself; there is nothing I can do about it until I know what it is and even if I find out about it there is probably nothing I can do anyway. I cannot get worked up about whatever it is because it will make me more crazy than I already am. Oh how does the serenity prayer go; God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..... I can't change any of this and I must be surrounded by positive influences because those negatives ones are of no value to me.
This afternoon I had the pleasure of taking my son and daughter out to the local golf course. My daughter has been asking me all summer; when are you going to take me golfing? Since she and her brother start school on Wednesday I thought today would be an ideal day. I have taken my son and daughter golfing before but never together. I enjoyed the afternoon with those two immensely. Each one has their own set of miniature golf clubs and each one takes a mighty swing. The best part of the day for my daughter was driving the golf cart. She is actually big enough to reach the pedals but hasn't grasp the principle of using the big pedal in the middle you know the BRAKE pedal. She was using the two feet method; one on the gas and the other foot on the brake; it made for a fun ride. She got the hang of it by the 17th hole!!!
I did ask both of them if they were having fun and my always cheerful son said yes very quickly and my daughter said, "yes, kind of". I asked her what do you mean by "kind of" and she replied; "I am kind of jealous of Jonathan (her brother) because he can hit the golf ball further than I can". Remember my daughter is three years older than her brother and she wants to do everything better than him and she saw a few times when her brother hit the golf ball further than her and she became jealous. I thought this was so sweet. My daughter is a very innocent soft spoken seven year old when you first meet her but underneath this soft spoken exterior lies a very competitive individual. She is so hard on herself when she doesn't do things perfectly. I don't know where this will lead in the future but I am trying to teach her it is okay if she doesn't hit the golf ball further than her brother and it is okay if things aren't perfect. Also if she wants to hit the golf ball further than her brother she will have to practice more because her brother even though he is only four years old really likes swinging a golf club. I think this is natural for four year old boys because they like swinging anything!!! It was a wonderful afternoon.
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Picnic
First off; a happy one day belated birthday to my sister-in-law; wow the BIG THREE ZERO (sorry couldn't resist); I hope you had a great day!!!! Happy birthday Jen and many many more.
Yesterday was the summer picnic for our Gamblers Anonymous regional group. It was a wonderful day. The picnic was held in a public park adjacent to one of the nicest bay and beach in the area. The weather was wonderful. When we left our house it was 95 degrees when we arrived at the park (some 60 miles away) it was 77 degrees. The children had a great time on the beach; playing in the sand and picking sea shells from the water. There were scheduled activities for the children but it was very difficult to get them away from the beach and if the children are having a good time then the adults are having a good time. Needless to say we didn't interrupt their good time; we let them play in the sand for as long as they liked. The children did break away from the beach for the magic show and my four year old son took part in the show as a volunteer. He made a rabbit disappear; actually the other volunteer (a little girl about the same age) made the rabbit multiply. It was so cute and one of those priceless moments when my son came running back to his seat with an ear to ear grin, so very wonderful!!
We went with dear friends of ours and their children as well. These friends have become a big part of my life and my family's life and we were so happy they joined us for the day. Everyone had a great time. I felt more comfortable at this picnic then I have ever felt at anyone of my previous employers picnics. These are good people and I am so very happy to have found them. I would truly be lost if it weren't for my family, friends and GA.
I read something today about compulsive gamblers and the research of this particular area. Here is the link; it is a very interesting article and gets somewhat technical; however; the point is very clear. Here is a quote; "We are finding that pathological gambling is very definitely a brain disease"; the researchers are still no sure whether a person is born with a brain that is hardwired differently than normal people or gambling changes the brain to react differently than normal people. I can only speak from my own behaviors. Why do I get a rush from placing a wager on a sporting event or even when I would venture into the casino and play blackjack; why would my body be constantly moving almost an uncontrollable twitch? I really don't know the answers to these questions but I suspect it is not normal behavior or the world would be filled with compulsive gamblers. Why would a person at the age of 18 who got into trouble continue this same type of trouble at a later stage in life? Is my brain hardwired differently? The answer is yes. Can a prescription medication help me control my urges; possibly but a more effective way is a behavior change.
Again, these are my opinions and take them for what they are worth. If science can come up with a pill that would take all addictions away would people or more specifically would I take this medication? Maybe; but I would have to understand the side effects and right now there are no known magic pills. The only way for me to not repeat my past behaviors is to not repeat my past behaviors. Makes sense, right? I have identified the things that have led me to where I am today and I am seeking to change those things. As I spoke about the other day; one is to remove the problem; DON'T GAMBLE for anything. Yes, I am doing this one day at a time. However; today as I was reading the Sunday newspaper and I glanced over the sports section some of my OLD thoughts crop up. Why? It is very simple I have done this things for so long it is inevitable these thoughts will come up. I obviously cannot act on the thoughts and I think it is good I am recognizing these thoughts. In the past after years of not gambling I let myself believe I could gamble again and we all know where this thought process led.
Maybe there is something in my brain that is hardwired differently than normal people. Maybe it is a genetic behavior and maybe it is a learned/conditioned behavior. However; it certainly does not excuse what I have done. I am searching to make myself a better person and I have identified many areas of weakness and I am working on these weaknesses to live a life with purpose. I got so complacent in my life I never recognized my behaviors and these behaviors led to bad things. Now I am taking the steps to recognize these BAD behaviors BEFORE they ruin my life.
Final thoughts; maybe I am being a bit repetitive but like I have written before I am a slow learner. I have one chance to make this negative situation a positive situation and I will take as much time as needed to get it right.
Yesterday was the summer picnic for our Gamblers Anonymous regional group. It was a wonderful day. The picnic was held in a public park adjacent to one of the nicest bay and beach in the area. The weather was wonderful. When we left our house it was 95 degrees when we arrived at the park (some 60 miles away) it was 77 degrees. The children had a great time on the beach; playing in the sand and picking sea shells from the water. There were scheduled activities for the children but it was very difficult to get them away from the beach and if the children are having a good time then the adults are having a good time. Needless to say we didn't interrupt their good time; we let them play in the sand for as long as they liked. The children did break away from the beach for the magic show and my four year old son took part in the show as a volunteer. He made a rabbit disappear; actually the other volunteer (a little girl about the same age) made the rabbit multiply. It was so cute and one of those priceless moments when my son came running back to his seat with an ear to ear grin, so very wonderful!!
We went with dear friends of ours and their children as well. These friends have become a big part of my life and my family's life and we were so happy they joined us for the day. Everyone had a great time. I felt more comfortable at this picnic then I have ever felt at anyone of my previous employers picnics. These are good people and I am so very happy to have found them. I would truly be lost if it weren't for my family, friends and GA.
I read something today about compulsive gamblers and the research of this particular area. Here is the link; it is a very interesting article and gets somewhat technical; however; the point is very clear. Here is a quote; "We are finding that pathological gambling is very definitely a brain disease"; the researchers are still no sure whether a person is born with a brain that is hardwired differently than normal people or gambling changes the brain to react differently than normal people. I can only speak from my own behaviors. Why do I get a rush from placing a wager on a sporting event or even when I would venture into the casino and play blackjack; why would my body be constantly moving almost an uncontrollable twitch? I really don't know the answers to these questions but I suspect it is not normal behavior or the world would be filled with compulsive gamblers. Why would a person at the age of 18 who got into trouble continue this same type of trouble at a later stage in life? Is my brain hardwired differently? The answer is yes. Can a prescription medication help me control my urges; possibly but a more effective way is a behavior change.
Again, these are my opinions and take them for what they are worth. If science can come up with a pill that would take all addictions away would people or more specifically would I take this medication? Maybe; but I would have to understand the side effects and right now there are no known magic pills. The only way for me to not repeat my past behaviors is to not repeat my past behaviors. Makes sense, right? I have identified the things that have led me to where I am today and I am seeking to change those things. As I spoke about the other day; one is to remove the problem; DON'T GAMBLE for anything. Yes, I am doing this one day at a time. However; today as I was reading the Sunday newspaper and I glanced over the sports section some of my OLD thoughts crop up. Why? It is very simple I have done this things for so long it is inevitable these thoughts will come up. I obviously cannot act on the thoughts and I think it is good I am recognizing these thoughts. In the past after years of not gambling I let myself believe I could gamble again and we all know where this thought process led.
Maybe there is something in my brain that is hardwired differently than normal people. Maybe it is a genetic behavior and maybe it is a learned/conditioned behavior. However; it certainly does not excuse what I have done. I am searching to make myself a better person and I have identified many areas of weakness and I am working on these weaknesses to live a life with purpose. I got so complacent in my life I never recognized my behaviors and these behaviors led to bad things. Now I am taking the steps to recognize these BAD behaviors BEFORE they ruin my life.
Final thoughts; maybe I am being a bit repetitive but like I have written before I am a slow learner. I have one chance to make this negative situation a positive situation and I will take as much time as needed to get it right.
Friday, August 05, 2005
Change
I don't know who wrote the saying "change is good" but it is very appropriate in my circumstance. I do need to take the quote a step further by saying positive changes are good. In order to recover properly and effectively from any addiction and in my case compulsive gambling there needs to be change. The first part of change is to remove the behavior which has caused so much grief and misery in my life; gambling. I have been successful so far it has been five months and one week since my last wager and like I always say I didn't make a bet yesterday and I don't intend on making one today. Today is the only guarantee I have because no one knows what tomorrow will bring. The second change has to come from within myself so I don't go back to the first change (gambling). This is a little trickier because once I FINALLY recognized I have a gambling problem I removed this behavior; however; now I need to face all of the horrible things gambling has brought to my life.
I cannot wallow in this self-pity (I apologize if I am rehashing old thoughts but I need to) or I have no chance to succeed. I need to make amends for all my misdeeds and this will take time. I must apologize again to all those I have affected with my actions, it was not my intention to hurt anyone. I didn't devise a plan 20 plus years ago which outlined my actions. These actions unfortunately took on a life of their own and yes, please make no mistake about it they were my actions derived from an insatiable desire to place bets on sports. Again; it was very stupid and the "normal" person has no idea what I am talking about. I will try an analogy; if any of you "normal" people have wanted something so bad you would go to any lengths possible to have that something? Well, think of this as a daily occurrence until it is ingrained in your body and mind. If you don't do those things (in my case make a bet) you feel horrible; yes, there are physical reactions along with the mental reactions. I don't know if this makes any sense but this is how I felt for a long time.
Yes, I stopped when it all came crashing down but I could have continued to gamble. I FINALLY realized what my compulsion had done to me, my family and others. Yes, I certainly regret all that I have done and if I could take the magic time eraser I would erase every moment of my compulsion. I must face the consequences of my actions with respect and dignity. I do not blame anyone else for my actions and take full responsibility for these actions. I am making the changes necessary to be a much better person. No more lying, cheating or stealing. Just yesterday I was faced with a situation where I could have easily lied and gotten what I wanted but I am not doing this anymore. I told the truth and didn't get the result I wanted but I felt so much better. Lying will not be part of my persona today. I have a family that I have lied to, cheated from and quite possibly stole their future but I will make amends to each one and be the person I need to be not the character I turned into.
I cannot wallow in this self-pity (I apologize if I am rehashing old thoughts but I need to) or I have no chance to succeed. I need to make amends for all my misdeeds and this will take time. I must apologize again to all those I have affected with my actions, it was not my intention to hurt anyone. I didn't devise a plan 20 plus years ago which outlined my actions. These actions unfortunately took on a life of their own and yes, please make no mistake about it they were my actions derived from an insatiable desire to place bets on sports. Again; it was very stupid and the "normal" person has no idea what I am talking about. I will try an analogy; if any of you "normal" people have wanted something so bad you would go to any lengths possible to have that something? Well, think of this as a daily occurrence until it is ingrained in your body and mind. If you don't do those things (in my case make a bet) you feel horrible; yes, there are physical reactions along with the mental reactions. I don't know if this makes any sense but this is how I felt for a long time.
Yes, I stopped when it all came crashing down but I could have continued to gamble. I FINALLY realized what my compulsion had done to me, my family and others. Yes, I certainly regret all that I have done and if I could take the magic time eraser I would erase every moment of my compulsion. I must face the consequences of my actions with respect and dignity. I do not blame anyone else for my actions and take full responsibility for these actions. I am making the changes necessary to be a much better person. No more lying, cheating or stealing. Just yesterday I was faced with a situation where I could have easily lied and gotten what I wanted but I am not doing this anymore. I told the truth and didn't get the result I wanted but I felt so much better. Lying will not be part of my persona today. I have a family that I have lied to, cheated from and quite possibly stole their future but I will make amends to each one and be the person I need to be not the character I turned into.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Well...
Yes, today was a court date and just like the other 10 times (this being the 11th) not a great deal happened. We were still discussing the payment on the pool and the judge signed the order for the final payment. Hopefully; the pool will be completed prior to the end of summer so the children can enjoy it for a little while. August 31, 2004 is when the pool company broke ground to start construction. You can say a great deal has happened in this past year but with all due respect to the pool company construction should have been completed in November of last year. Something seemed to happen when we requested to move the pool equipment from one side of the yard to the other side. This is when construction stopped. Then it started to rain for the next three months and by the time they started up again it was February of this year. The company worked for a few days in February but stopped for some reason and then we all know what happened in March.
If anyone cares the pool design is very basic and we went with the middle bid of three bids. Hindsight is always 20/20 and if I could erase some of my past I certainly would but I cannot so I have to live with ALL my decisions and we made a bad one with this particular pool company. I remember telling someone at my previous work I selected this pool company and they wished me good luck because they had a horrible experience with them. They were certainly correct but at the time we thought it was a good decision like I said hindsight is 20/20 and I must move forward not backward.
I don't have to go to court for another month because the DDA is on vacation for the entire month of August. When he returns our judge goes on vacation for the entire month of September so there will be very little done with my case until October. I was hoping for some type of resolution by the end of this year but this maybe a far fetched notion. I keep reciting the serenity prayer and times like these I really HATE myself because it is all my fault this has happened and I am punishing other people. I had no idea my misdeeds would get this far out of hand and I apologize to everyone for my horrible actions.
Yes, there are good days and there are bad days. Court days are always bad days because my past is thrown right back in my face and for good cause. It is my actions that have caused this mess and sometimes especially on days like today it is very hard to forgive myself for what I have done. I know I have to forgive myself for what I have done or I will not be able to move forward. I am doing the right things, getting the right help and have a fantastic support group but I would by lying if I said everything is great because it is not. I messed up peoples lives and for what; to make a bet on the Lakers; how silly is this???
I did get some good news at court and I won't elaborate but at least we are moving in the right direction. Time stands still for no person and it is what I do with my time that ultimately counts. I intend to use my time in a productive positive manner and I will do this one day at a time. Don't worry I will snap out of the depression it is only temporary.
If anyone cares the pool design is very basic and we went with the middle bid of three bids. Hindsight is always 20/20 and if I could erase some of my past I certainly would but I cannot so I have to live with ALL my decisions and we made a bad one with this particular pool company. I remember telling someone at my previous work I selected this pool company and they wished me good luck because they had a horrible experience with them. They were certainly correct but at the time we thought it was a good decision like I said hindsight is 20/20 and I must move forward not backward.
I don't have to go to court for another month because the DDA is on vacation for the entire month of August. When he returns our judge goes on vacation for the entire month of September so there will be very little done with my case until October. I was hoping for some type of resolution by the end of this year but this maybe a far fetched notion. I keep reciting the serenity prayer and times like these I really HATE myself because it is all my fault this has happened and I am punishing other people. I had no idea my misdeeds would get this far out of hand and I apologize to everyone for my horrible actions.
Yes, there are good days and there are bad days. Court days are always bad days because my past is thrown right back in my face and for good cause. It is my actions that have caused this mess and sometimes especially on days like today it is very hard to forgive myself for what I have done. I know I have to forgive myself for what I have done or I will not be able to move forward. I am doing the right things, getting the right help and have a fantastic support group but I would by lying if I said everything is great because it is not. I messed up peoples lives and for what; to make a bet on the Lakers; how silly is this???
I did get some good news at court and I won't elaborate but at least we are moving in the right direction. Time stands still for no person and it is what I do with my time that ultimately counts. I intend to use my time in a productive positive manner and I will do this one day at a time. Don't worry I will snap out of the depression it is only temporary.
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Unfortunate
Early this morning I received an email from the moderator/owner of the online compulsive gambler support group which I have been a member for the past five months. She was informing everyone in the group she was shutting down the support group effective immediately. I have met some wonderful people in this group all with the same problem; gambling had taken over their lives and now they are seeking help to reclaim their lives. The online group functioned like an ongoing GA meeting with everyone supporting everyone else to fight the gambling demons. People from as far away as Australia and the Netherlands were members in this group. I have made some friendships through this group and I will stay in contact with those great individuals.
The incredible lady who founded the group and did such a marvelous job running the site decided to end the support group today. No one seems to know exactly why but I hope she is alright. The last message was very warm but there obviously was something wrong. I wish her the best and want to thank her for helping me these past five months. I will miss her daily thoughts and sayings; everything through this group was truly inspirational.
"Well, instead of admitting my mistake and backing up, I just pushed ahead until I was so deep there was NO getting out", "And you lost the wagon", "Yes, but I learned a valuable lesson. If you find yourself on the wrong road, don't just keep on going until you're in over your head--back up and start over on the right road". Okay; who wrote this quote? Was it Steinbeck, Hemingway, Faulkner, Keats, Covey, Robbins, Grisham, or Coben???? Nope; Stan and Jan Berenstain of the The Berenstain Bears for Children!!! This is such great advice and as I was reading this to my daughter I thought how far off the road I had gone and sometimes people never back up they keep on going until it is too late. It is never too late and as the story goes on to say; "It is never too late to correct a mistake and get back on the right road". I have made a very large mistake but I am trying everything within my power to correct this mistake and get back on the right road.
I may have read this story to my daughter at least 35 times before but I never realized those words. Life is a little brighter when I have my ears and eyes open. It is amazing how much I continue to learn each and every day even from the simplest things.
The incredible lady who founded the group and did such a marvelous job running the site decided to end the support group today. No one seems to know exactly why but I hope she is alright. The last message was very warm but there obviously was something wrong. I wish her the best and want to thank her for helping me these past five months. I will miss her daily thoughts and sayings; everything through this group was truly inspirational.
"Well, instead of admitting my mistake and backing up, I just pushed ahead until I was so deep there was NO getting out", "And you lost the wagon", "Yes, but I learned a valuable lesson. If you find yourself on the wrong road, don't just keep on going until you're in over your head--back up and start over on the right road". Okay; who wrote this quote? Was it Steinbeck, Hemingway, Faulkner, Keats, Covey, Robbins, Grisham, or Coben???? Nope; Stan and Jan Berenstain of the The Berenstain Bears for Children!!! This is such great advice and as I was reading this to my daughter I thought how far off the road I had gone and sometimes people never back up they keep on going until it is too late. It is never too late and as the story goes on to say; "It is never too late to correct a mistake and get back on the right road". I have made a very large mistake but I am trying everything within my power to correct this mistake and get back on the right road.
I may have read this story to my daughter at least 35 times before but I never realized those words. Life is a little brighter when I have my ears and eyes open. It is amazing how much I continue to learn each and every day even from the simplest things.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Intergroup
The first Tuesday of every month our group of Gamblers Anonymous has what is called "Intergroup". This is where the secretaries of the meetings in our region go to discuss the business matters in Gamblers Anonymous. It is mostly an informational meeting and some label it a necessary evil. This was the second time I have attended; I attended last month when all of the yearly elections were held. Also; my sponsor who is the Chairman of Intergroup was unable to attend last month because his sister passed away. My sponsor (Chairman) was there tonight and he did an amazing job keeping the creed of "principles before personalities" moving throughout the evening. There are a lot of wonderful people in this meeting and my sponsor is certainly one of them. He asked me to co-chair a workshop on trust in October. I gladly accepted and this small gesture made me feel very good.
There were five of us who car pooled down to the meeting; it was 45 minute drive. One year ago I would have never thought of going to a GA meeting let alone a "business" GA meeting but there I was with four other people driving down to the Intergroup meeting. Although our stories differed each one of us could not control our gambling and finally found the willingness to seek help. Each person in our "caravan" is dedicated to the GA program and realizes what compulsive gambling can and will do to a person. These are real people with families, jobs and responsibilities yet they have found the time to give back to the program. I am so proud to be associated with these individuals.
One of the drawbacks of going to this meeting is getting back at a late hour when my children are asleep. I regularly attend the Tuesday GA meeting so I usually get back after the children go to bed anyway so I am getting used to this fact. It still hurts knowing the children go to bed before I get home but I want GA to be a part of my life so I can have a life with my children. I will take the trade-off because it beats the alternative. I am digressing so I will get back on track. When I got home from the meeting I spoke with my wife regarding the night's events and she told me about her daily events.
My daughter starts school next week (yes, this seems a bit early but we really like her school calendar, it is a 10 month program) and she was assigned her teacher for 2nd grade. We were hoping she would get her 1st grade teacher who was moving up to 2nd grade as well but we weren't so lucky. I have written about my daughters 1st grade teacher before and I cannot say enough about this wonderful, caring, giving woman; she is an AMAZING person. As it turns out we have been told there are no bad 2nd grade teachers and my daughter was assigned a teacher who is extremely good. However; she is pregnant. Naturally my wife and I were very concerned because there is enough turmoil in our household we were hoping for some stability in my daughter's classroom. This teacher is due any day so she will not start the school year next week; she should be back sometime in October. I think this is better than having her start the school year and having the students get used to her and then having her go out on leave to be replaced by a substitute teacher. Also; as it turns out my daughter has three friends she knows very well in her class in fact they were all in the same Kindergarten class. She will do fine and I have the utmost confidence in the school system because her first two years have been wonderful.
I went in to kiss my daughter good night when I got home from my meeting and she was still awake (I think my daughter stays awake more than she sleeps but this maybe a story for a different occasion!!). She told me about her Girl Scout camp she attended today and will be attending for the rest of the week. She also told me she was sad she didn't get her first grade teacher for second grade but in the same sentence she told me she knew three people in her new class. She gets along very well with these three children and this seemed to ease any tension she may have had. My daughter is a caring, compassionate and wonderful child. I need to instill as much consistency as possible because there will come a time when I will not be around because of my bad deeds. I will miss her along with my wife and son tremendously but it is not permanent. I will see my children grow and be a part of their life no matter what happens to me. I finally appreciate what I have NOT what I want. These are the things that keep me going each and everyday. I love my family so very much!!
There were five of us who car pooled down to the meeting; it was 45 minute drive. One year ago I would have never thought of going to a GA meeting let alone a "business" GA meeting but there I was with four other people driving down to the Intergroup meeting. Although our stories differed each one of us could not control our gambling and finally found the willingness to seek help. Each person in our "caravan" is dedicated to the GA program and realizes what compulsive gambling can and will do to a person. These are real people with families, jobs and responsibilities yet they have found the time to give back to the program. I am so proud to be associated with these individuals.
One of the drawbacks of going to this meeting is getting back at a late hour when my children are asleep. I regularly attend the Tuesday GA meeting so I usually get back after the children go to bed anyway so I am getting used to this fact. It still hurts knowing the children go to bed before I get home but I want GA to be a part of my life so I can have a life with my children. I will take the trade-off because it beats the alternative. I am digressing so I will get back on track. When I got home from the meeting I spoke with my wife regarding the night's events and she told me about her daily events.
My daughter starts school next week (yes, this seems a bit early but we really like her school calendar, it is a 10 month program) and she was assigned her teacher for 2nd grade. We were hoping she would get her 1st grade teacher who was moving up to 2nd grade as well but we weren't so lucky. I have written about my daughters 1st grade teacher before and I cannot say enough about this wonderful, caring, giving woman; she is an AMAZING person. As it turns out we have been told there are no bad 2nd grade teachers and my daughter was assigned a teacher who is extremely good. However; she is pregnant. Naturally my wife and I were very concerned because there is enough turmoil in our household we were hoping for some stability in my daughter's classroom. This teacher is due any day so she will not start the school year next week; she should be back sometime in October. I think this is better than having her start the school year and having the students get used to her and then having her go out on leave to be replaced by a substitute teacher. Also; as it turns out my daughter has three friends she knows very well in her class in fact they were all in the same Kindergarten class. She will do fine and I have the utmost confidence in the school system because her first two years have been wonderful.
I went in to kiss my daughter good night when I got home from my meeting and she was still awake (I think my daughter stays awake more than she sleeps but this maybe a story for a different occasion!!). She told me about her Girl Scout camp she attended today and will be attending for the rest of the week. She also told me she was sad she didn't get her first grade teacher for second grade but in the same sentence she told me she knew three people in her new class. She gets along very well with these three children and this seemed to ease any tension she may have had. My daughter is a caring, compassionate and wonderful child. I need to instill as much consistency as possible because there will come a time when I will not be around because of my bad deeds. I will miss her along with my wife and son tremendously but it is not permanent. I will see my children grow and be a part of their life no matter what happens to me. I finally appreciate what I have NOT what I want. These are the things that keep me going each and everyday. I love my family so very much!!
Monday, August 01, 2005
Comments
Regarding some of the comments which have been posted in the last few days I must say I didn't realize how bitter some people are towards me (I guess it is the old arrogance). I cannot change these feelings I can only deal with myself. I am taking the steps necessary to help myself by venturing into this forum, being an active member of Gamblers Anonymous, and attending therapy with a psychologist. Obviously some people think my true self is that of a liar, cheater and someone who steals. Again, I cannot control these thoughts I can only do things to help myself. If these people think I am doing this to gain publicity and to be arrogant I am a truly sorry because this is not my intention. My intention is to help myself and my family so I can live a full and purposeful life. I am a much better person today than I was five months ago because of the strides I have made to find myself. People will believe what they want to believe and I cannot change this I can only change myself. I wish all my detractors the best and hope they find themselves in this journey we call life.
As I sat with my son and read him a bed time story; I could not help but to be reflective. My son is four years old and what I have done to him and the rest of my family might indeed alter his life. I am making the strides necessary to ensure his future is secure along with the rest of my family. I am truly sorry for my behavior which has caused this alteration of life but it has happened for a reason. I was on a path of self destruction and I finally derailed before totally self destructing which I am very thankful. Life is a journey not a destination; things happen to everyone. Some of these things are good and some are bad it is how we deal with the bad moments which determine our ultimate destiny. If I were to sit back in a corner and say woe is me look what I have done; what good is this? It is no good. Negative thoughts and negative people will not detract me from finding my true self. I will live life as a kind, caring, compassionate, honest, humble and giving person one day at a time.
As I sat with my son and read him a bed time story; I could not help but to be reflective. My son is four years old and what I have done to him and the rest of my family might indeed alter his life. I am making the strides necessary to ensure his future is secure along with the rest of my family. I am truly sorry for my behavior which has caused this alteration of life but it has happened for a reason. I was on a path of self destruction and I finally derailed before totally self destructing which I am very thankful. Life is a journey not a destination; things happen to everyone. Some of these things are good and some are bad it is how we deal with the bad moments which determine our ultimate destiny. If I were to sit back in a corner and say woe is me look what I have done; what good is this? It is no good. Negative thoughts and negative people will not detract me from finding my true self. I will live life as a kind, caring, compassionate, honest, humble and giving person one day at a time.
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