Possibility

Tomorrow morning I board an airplane so I can meet some people who are considering giving me a second chance. The airplane is bound for Las Vegas and these generous people run a Recovery Center for drug addicts and alcoholics. They know all about my situation and we have spoken at length over the past few weeks. They have invited me out to tour their facility and have a face to face interview to discuss an opportunity. I know this would be considered a long-shot possibility but the interview I had last week gave me some hope.

The telephone interview I had with them consisted of 30 minutes talking only about recovery. There were three of us including me on the telephone call and all three of us were recovering addicts. I thoroughly enjoyed this conversation and I was very impressed with the two people I spoke with. A few days after we spoke I received a telephone call inviting me out to tour their facility for the day. I am looking forward to the meeting and I am looking forward to meeting with these people face to face.

I certainly do not know what will happen tomorrow because my focus is on today. However; I can say that if I didn't fully embrace my recovery this possibility would not exist. Life is full of twist and turns and I have caused so many twist and turns by denying my addiction for so long but now that I am no longer in denial these twist and turns all seem to be very positive. I am very excited and I do know that it is only a possibility but I am so blessed to know that possibilities like this one actually do exist.

A quick personal note; tonight was open house night at my daughter's school. Fortunately this year I was able to attend. Last year was a different story because I was detained when the open house occurred and unable to attend. I was given the opportunity to see how well my daughter was doing in her class and what type of work she is accomplishing. My daughter is a very special little girl who is growing up so very fast. It seems like yesterday my wife and I were coming home from the hospital and she was still in the infant carrier. Now she is doing the multiplication tables and writing narratives. I was so impressed with her work and the work that was being accomplished in the classroom.

The school system my daughter attends is fabulous. They are the top rated school district in the county. I know I have messed this up with my current situation but I do know my daughter has an outstanding foundation to draw upon that will be with her for a very long time. No matter where she goes to school in the future she will always have the "I like school" mentality because it has been so much fun for her in these past three years. To me this seems to be the key because she loves going to school. Hopefully, she will maintain this attitude no matter where she is and I know having my family together wherever they maybe will be the key to this success. I have a wonderful family and no matter what happens in the next few weeks I will ALWAYS have a wonderful family.

Blessings Continue

The blessings that have been bestowed upon me in these past 13 months continue. I am a blessed person to have some very incredible people in my life. I am blessed with an amazing support network starting with my family and extending out to my old and new friends. Today those blessings continue with two very special people. One person I have written about before and today I had the privilege of having a wonderful lunch with this person.

I would not have met this person if I didn't embrace my recovery. Thirteen months ago I made a decision to get help with my compulsive gambling addiction and this has proved to be one of my best decisions I have ever made. This afternoon I took a 100 mile drive to meet this person for lunch and as we talked I thought how good my life really is. I know there are some pretty terrible things in the not too distant future but what I have gained in these past 13 months cannot be taken away from me with any decision the judge renders. I will have all of these blessings in my life for a lifetime. Also I continue to learn and embrace life as each day passes.

After the extraordinary lunch meeting I had the honor and privilege of meeting one of the experts in the field of compulsive gambling research. I spent an hour at the University of California at Los Angeles better known as UCLA speaking with this phenomenal young man. I was literally blown away by this man's intellect and personality. If someone could have the total package of brains and personality this man certainly had it. I had heard some very good things about this man but my meeting him superseded all expectations I may have had. Yet another blessing in my life.

I know our session was only for an hour but I felt so comfortable with this person I could have stayed all afternoon. I presented my situation to him via the shortened version because our time was limited but as I explained my situation I felt this man instantly understood what I was saying. I felt very comfortable and at ease. It was a very different experience from the one I had a few weeks ago via a telephone meeting with another renown expert in the field of compulsive gambling. Today I did not feel inferior and I did not feel superior I felt very calm and serene.

My life has always been blessed I just didn't realize it. I have met some very memorable people in my life but today's meeting will be with me for a very long time. In fact I would be hard pressed to ever forget today's meeting.

As I embarked for the return 100 mile drive in rush hour I couldn't help but to reflect how life is really working itself out. Actually that wouldn't be a fair statement. The reason why life is working itself out is because I am finally doing something about my compulsively gambling addiction and yes, it has been a long time coming. However; some where some how it was meant to be this way. If it didn't work out this way I wouldn't have had these tremendous experiences I have had in these past 13 months. I am a forever grateful to be a compulsive gambler in recovery.

"In recovery" is the key to my existence; as long as I stay in recovery and keep doing the positive things I have done life gets better each and every day. How are why it worked out this way is not important. The important fact is life is getting better because I now have the tools to continue to better myself. As long as I continue to better myself and have great people teach me the way life is a fantastic journey. I am very excited to see where this journey takes me.

Anonymity

Staying with yesterday's theme and also the topic of yesterday's Gamblers Anonymous meeting I would like to write about anonymity. Step 12 of the Unity Program reads; Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of the Gamblers Anonymous Program, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities. I highlighted anonymity and spiritual for a reason; how can being anonymous be spiritual? To me having a place to go where you are anonymous and everyone treats you just like everyone else is spiritual in and of itself. I have derived my spirituality from this Program and although my anonymity has been less than stellar I understand the principles of the Program very well.

In the past one of my faults was anonymity. I relished in the anonymity of the internet and how I could place sports wagers without anyone knowing it. This anonymity was part of my undoing and now I seek to rid myself of this non-spiritual anonymity.

I believe a big part of me telling my story to various different media outlets is also part of my recovery. The more people I tell the less likely I am to go back to my old ways of sneaking and lying. I want to be up front with everything this is why I am trying to give back to the Program by reciting my story time and time again.

The spirituality of the Program has taken a little while for me to understand and slowly but surely I have come to know what spirituality means to me. I understand most people when they come to GA they come for one devastating reason or another. They don't want anyone to recognize them and they don't want their story being recited by any other members. This is why we have the creed "Who you see here, What you hear here, When you leave here, Let it stay here." What is said in the room stays in the room and this is very important to the Program. I may right about topics or something that is said at a meeting that hits home to me but I will never right the name of the person who said it. This is a core principle of the Program and I would not take away in any way shape or form from the Program.

My anonymity may have been broken when I mentioned the words Gamblers Anonymous in the article I did in Sunday's newspaper but I was not representing GA in any way. I speak for myself. GA has no representative and does not take a stand on any issues. The foundation of GA is to carry its message to the compulsive gambler who still suffers. This is what I want to do and I believe by me telling my story it serves a purpose. It was a terrible lesson to learn but some good has come out of the bad I have done. I have met some wonderful people and no matter what happens in the next few weeks I have a great foundation to build upon. I am grateful for making my last bet some 13 months ago today.

My Mistake

Step Ten in the Gamblers Anonymous Recovery Program states; "Continued to take personal inventory and when we wrong, promptly admitted it." I was wrong when I did the interview with the local newspaper by mentioning my full name and Gamblers Anonymous. I made the mistake and I apologize. In all of the interviews I have done I was very careful not to mention Gamblers Anonymous when using my full name but not this past interview. I don't know why I completely forgot one of the Unity Steps which states; (Unity Step 11); "Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films and television". I screwed up and I apologize.

I was approached by a few long standing GA members and they were extremely forgiving with me. We talked about the interview and they wanted to know if it was me or the reporter who used the term Gamblers Anonymous and I told them it was me and it was my mistake. All of them told me that it was no big deal and complimented me on doing the interview. I know it may be a big deal to some but a very long standing member told me to not worry about it and in six months from now no one will remember and the simple fact that the article may help someone is what matter most.

Even when I screw up the Program comes to my rescue. These are great people and see that everyone is a human being. All human beings make mistakes and we as a species are very fallible. I am so blessed to be involved with such a fantastic group of people; it really has saved my life.

Much to my surprise the article appeared on the front page of the Sunday edition with the title "Secret Addiction". Along with the article appearing on the front page was the awful picture which looks as if I have huge feet. I don't have huge feet (size 10--average) it was just the angle of the picture. My foot was out of proportion with my body and it looked like I had a pin-sized head. At least the focus was away from my nose this time!!! In all seriousness I was very pleased with the article and I thought it was well written. Also judging by the two comments which were posted on the newspaper's website it appears other people felt this was a good article as well. Hopefully one person will seek help with their "secret addiction" by reading this story because that was my intention to reach out to one person.

We celebrated another one year birthday in the GA meeting last night which makes 6 one year birthdays in the last month. It really is amazing how six strangers entered a room last year looking for a Program to help us stop gambling. All six of us have taken to the Program and it really does work if you work at it. Last night was a celebration because just like the previous celebrations it was evening filled with love and genuine affection. Even though all six of us who entered the room one year ago came in with different gambling vices and different levels of problems the underlying meaning was the same; gambling controlled our lives and it became unamanageable.

I know for myself this was certainly the case and in the past almost 13 months my true self has emerged. I know longer lie for the sake of lying. I find honesty a more simple solution to my problems. In the past the lies and deceit took over and it was very difficult to tell which end was up. Now the right end is the only end which is up because I strive for honesty and integrity each and everyday.

Focusing on the life is certainly not fair department; a very dear friend of mine recently got laid off from a job that they really enjoyed and thought everything was going great. I do know everything happens for a reason and I am sure my Higher Power has a plan for this dear friend because they are one of the nicest, most compassionate and humble persons I have ever been acquainted with. They took the news very hard but they understand life will continue to move forward in a positive manner as long as the principles of the GA Program are followed. This person lives and breathes the GA Program and I know my life has been forever changed in a positive manner because of this person. I know things will workout because good things happen to good people and this person is a great person and I expect great things to have for this dear friend.

Local News Article

Here is the article I referred to a few days ago with a local newspaper; you can click on the link above to see the article in its entirety.


Former Pechanga controller-turned-embezzler speaks out on his compulsive gambling

By: JOSE CARVAJAL - Staff Writer

Paul Del Vacchio still remembers his first bet.

He was 8 or 9 years old and it was for baseball cards in a game he and his friends had made up.

"I remember winning a big stack of cards," Del Vacchio, now 40, said this week. "It was a feeling of 'This is cool; this is cool.' "

From that high, he went to the low of losing those cards two weeks later.

That was the beginning.

From there, Del Vacchio would slowly evolve into a compulsive gambler.

He bet on horses at a racetrack when he was 12. He and a friend lost $13,000 to a bookie at 18.

He made several thousand dollars on a weekend trip to Atlantic City, N.J., while he was going to college in Maryland.

He later discovered the discreet and easily accessible world of Internet gaming.

And that was the beginning of the end.

Last month, Del Vacchio pleaded guilty to embezzling almost a half-million dollars from the Pechanga Resort & Casino, where he had been working as controller. The money, he says, went to feed his gambling addiction.

Del Vacchio is scheduled to be sentenced next month and, per a plea deal with the judge in his case, the most the Temecula resident will spend in state prison is four years ---- not the 21 years he faced had he gone to trial and been convicted.

Even with a stay in prison looming large, Del Vacchio is at relative peace.

That's all out of his control, he says, and all he can do is continue down the road to recovery.

He's got the support of his family, he says, and he's getting help through Gamblers Anonymous and a professional treatment center.

As he's bracing himself for prison, Del Vacchio is speaking out about his problem.

He wants to draw attention, he says, to a serious problem that's going relatively unnoticed.

With gambling becoming more and more accessible through the Internet and tribal casinos, millions of Americans every year are falling into the same trap he did.

He hopes his coming forward could prompt someone to seek help before they do something drastic, like he did.

"If it helps one person not do the things I've done, then it's all worthwhile."

'No control'

Del Vacchio, who is originally from New Jersey, had been hired to work at a casino in Las Vegas when he discovered how easy it was to gamble online.

He had moved to Nevada in 1994 because he had liked the climate and because he was a gambler. He thought that if he got close to the action, he wouldn't have to be a part of it.

And it was working.

As an accountant for a casino, Del Vacchio said, he couldn't risk being seen in one for appearance's sake. He didn't want to earn a professional reputation as a gambler who works in a casino, he said, so he didn't do much of it.

Then he found an Internet sportsbook and it offered good odds and all the discretion he needed.

At first, he said, he thought it was something he could do in moderation.

But he was wrong."I thought if I could control myself, control my gambling, that I could win," Del Vacchio said. "Unfortunately, I completely fooled myself because there was no control.

"As if it were a drug, he got a high from gambling, he said, and, just as it is for drug addicts, the next high had to be better than the last.

He had to continue to get that rush and the stakes got higher. Soon, he was betting thousands of dollars on sporting events.

Del Vacchio got a job at Pechanga several years ago, where he eventually became the controller.

At the same time, even though he was making six figures a year, his gambling debt had grown to as much as $700,000.

So when he happened to discover that he could move thousands of dollars from the casino's account to his own without it being readily apparent, it didn't dawn on him, he said, that he shouldn't do it.

The gambling ---- the need for that high ---- clouded his judgment, Del Vacchio said.

"It was wrong, but at that point in my life I didn't know any better," he said. "I thought, 'Wow, I can live in this fantasy life. I can continue to gamble and live a normal life (as a) husband and father. I can have the best of both worlds.'

"It wasn't even a decision. It was just something that I did. It was there and I took advantage of it.

"It wasn't until he had been caught last year that he realized he truly had a gambling problem.

"That's when it actually dawned on me." Del Vacchio said. "'I said for the first time, 'I am a compulsive gambler.' Once I said the words, it was like this burden came off of me. Even though it was the worst day of my life, it was the start of something.

And then three days later, I found Gamblers Anonymous.

"For a guy who has so much structure in his life and can exert his willpower whenever he wants to in other facets of his life ---- he recently ran in the Los Angeles Marathon and he hasn't eaten a bite of red meat in 17 years ---- Del Vacchio said it's mind-boggling that, in the case of gambling, he can't help himself.

"When it comes to gambling, I just can't control it," he said.

A nation of gamblers

According to experts, the more gambling becomes accessible, whether through casinos or through the Internet, the more it becomes a problem for those who can't control themselves, like Del Vacchio.

And with perceptions of gambling what they are these days, the experts say, identifying compulsive gambling as a problem and getting help isn't easy.

"Americans have always liked to gamble," said Keith Whyte, executive director of the National Council on Problem Gambling in Washington, D.C. "We've always been a risk-taking society. But with the unprecedented growth of legalized gambling and the glamorization of gambling in the media ---- particularly on TV ---- we're seeing real changes in the way people perceive gambling.

"Whyte says that between 3 percent and 4 percent of American adults meet the criteria for problem gambling in a given year. That adds up to between 6 million and 9 million adults, he said.

And the devastation this small segment of the population can cause, Whyte said, can be measured in more ways than just counting growing gambling debts.

"It's a problem a lot like serious drug abuse," he said. "It's a real small percentage, but they can inflict a lot of damage.

"The council estimates that problem gambling resulted in a societal loss of about $6.7 billion last year, Whyte said, which factors in, among other things, money lost because of job loss, divorce and bankruptcy.

The council, he said, isn't anti-gambling: "We're just pro-responsible gambling.

"The problem is, Whyte said, people aren't necessarily seeing gambling as being that big a problem. That means there are fewer education programs and there are fewer places where people can get help, he said.

According to Whyte, of the 48 states that have legalized some form of gambling, only 22 of them have devoted some of their gaming revenue to services for people with gambling problems. California recently jumped on that bandwagon, he said, but it isn't yet devoting enough money to services.

"There could and should be more," Whyte said.

Informed choice

The thing is, says Marc Lefkowitz, director of counselor training for the California Council on Problem Gambling, gamblers don't wear their addiction on their sleeves like other addicts do.

Looking at drug addicts and alcoholics, he said, you can tell when they've consumed too much. But you can't look at a gambler and see that they have just lost thousands of dollars on a bad bet.

"There's no drug testing for gambling," Lefkowitz said.And when things get out of control for gamblers, the situation can get really bad.

Not only can gamblers turn to crime like Del Vacchio did, Lefkowitz says, problem gamblers attempt and successfully complete more suicides than any other kind of addict.

"They create incredibly large financial problems," Lefkowitz said. "There's no overdose in problem gambling ---- you can only drink so much. But gamblers can, say, refinance their homes and take out another $200,000. It creates heavy financial problems.

"The key to getting a handle on this growing problem and keeping people from turning to crime or suicide, he said, is education.

Gambling is where smoking and alcohol were several decades ago, Lefkowitz said. People need to learn that there is potential for addiction and that gambling is probably not for everyone, he said.

And then there's the dearth of treatment programs.

"There's not a lot of treatment programs for gambling," Lefkowitz said. "They're just starting now. We find that the best results are with treatment, Gamblers Anonymous and family help.

"Programs such as Gamblers Anonymous and treatment centers such as A Better Tomorrow in Murrieta are out there.

But they are far and few between. A Better Tomorrow, which started as an alcohol and drug treatment center and recently started a gambling program, is the only problem gambling treatment center in Southwest County, according to its owners.

Del Vacchio recently began treatment there. He says that, with the treatment and counseling he gets there, coupled with his involvement in Gamblers Anonymous, it's easier to fight back the urges he still gets to gamble.

He'd rather focus on his recovery, he said, than his impending trip to prison.

"I know that as long as I don't gamble and I work my recovery to the best of my ability, life will get better and all this other stuff will take care of itself," he said. "It's out of my control.

"Del Vacchio's last bet was on Feb. 28, 2005, just days before he was arrested.

It was a $5,000 wager on an NBA game, he says.

Unlike his first bet, Del Vacchio says, he lost this one.

Contact staff writer Jose Carvajal at (951) 676-4315, Ext. 2624, or jcarvajal@californian.com.

Do you have a gambling problem?

Following are yes or no questions that can help you determine if you may be a problem gambler.

1. Did you ever lose time from work or school due to gambling?

2. Has gambling ever made your home life unhappy?

3. Did gambling affect your reputation?

4. Have you ever felt remorse after gambling?

5. Did you ever gamble to get money with which to pay debts or otherwise solve financial difficulties?

6. Did gambling cause a decrease in your ambition or efficiency?

7. After losing, did you feel you must return as soon as possible and win back your losses?

8. After a win, did you have a strong urge to return and win more?

9. Did you often gamble until your last dollar was gone?

10. Did you ever borrow to finance your gambling?

11. Have you ever sold anything to finance gambling?

12. Were you reluctant to use "gambling money" for normal expenditures?

13. Did gambling make you careless of the welfare of yourself or your family?

14. Did you ever gamble longer than you had planned?

15. Have you ever gambled to escape worry or trouble?

16. Have you ever committed, or considered committing, an illegal act to finance gambling?

17. Did gambling cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?

18. Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create within you an urge to gamble?

19. Did you ever have an urge to celebrate any good fortune by a few hours of gambling?

20. Have you ever considered self destruction or suicide as a result of your gambling?

Most compulsive gamblers will answer yes to at least seven of these questions.

Source: Gamblers Anonymous

To get help-

Gamblers Anonymous holds meetings nationwide for those who have or think they have a gambling problem. For a list of meeting times and places, go to www.gamblersanonymous.org. You can also contact GA at (213) 386-8789.-

For family and close friends of those with gambling problems, Gam-Anon also holds regular meetings nationwide. For a list of meeting times and places, go to www.gam-anon.org/gamanon/index.htm. You can also contact Gam-Anon at (718) 352-1671.-

Counseling and treatment services are also available at A Better Tomorrow, 41640 Corning Place, Suite 104, Murrieta. For more information, call (800) 517-4849.

The Dark Side Of March Madness

The Final Four means big money for America's bookmakers. Aside from the Super Bowl, few events attract more betting dollars.

And to those for whom gambling has become an addiction, few times of the year are more painful than March Madness, the thrill-packed tournament to crown the nation's best college basketball team.

Psychiatrists have long-suspected that pathological gambling, like depression and other mental disorders, is, at its roots, genetic. Now a researcher at the University of Iowa has found evidence that gambling runs in families.

Running in Families

Dr. Donald Black, a professor of psychiatry at the school's Roy J. and Lucille A. Carver College of Medicine, led a team that interviewed 31 pathological gamblers and 31 other people who placed occasional bets but did not show any signs of addiction.

Black found that 12 percent of the addicted gamblers had relatives with similar addictions, while only about 3 percent of the nongamblers did.

Black, like other mental health experts, believes an addiction to betting relates closely to other addictive behavior.

"Something is being passed along in these families that increases the person's likelihood of engaging in impulsive and ultimately self-destructive behavior," said Black. "In some persons, it manifests as substance abuse, in others as antisocial behavior, and in others, gambling, and often the three are combined."

Gambling addiction has increased in recent years, probably because it has become easier to make bets, Black said. Gambling sites have proliferated on the Internet, and law enforcement officials say illegal bookmakers have increased in number as well. On top of that, more and more states have allowed casinos. But the number of addicted gamblers is hard to come by because so much betting is done either illegally or informally.

Black has published his findings in the journal Psychiatry Research. He found, perhaps predictably, that addicted gamblers were more likely than those in the control group to be single, divorced or widowed. But he also found that the addicted gamblers he studied tended to have larger extended families more brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles although he hesitated to hypothesize why that might be so.

Looking for a Drug to Fight the Gambling Urge

Researchers hope that looking for genetic links to compulsive gambling may lead to a chemical way to treat the problem.

"What we find with pathological gamblers is that they have this uncontrollable urge to gamble," said Black. "Ideally, it would be nice to discover a drug that would reliably interrupt that urge."

Researchers at the University of Minnesota have reported that a new drug, nalmefene, appears to affect the areas of the brain associated with the "pleasure rush" that people get when they satisfy their urge to engage in addictive behavior. The February issue of the American Journal of Psychiatry reported the results of tests conducted on compulsive gamblers in 2002 and 2003.

Among those who took 25 milligrams of nalmefene, 59 percent were rated "much improved" or "very much improved" by the Minnesota team.

But work remains to be done, and nalmefene has not been approved by the Food and Drug Administration for treatment of compulsive gambling. Larger doses did not bring better results, and two-thirds of the patients did not complete the trial, apparently unable to handle such side effects as nausea and insomnia.

The "Talk"

Last night I had the "talk" with my daughter and son. There are some situations in life that you hope and pray you never have to deal with and last night's "talk" was one of them. The simple fact of the matter is my inability to control or rather address my compulsive gambling problem has caused a few too many of these situations. However; I have caused this devastation and destruction and I must continue to deal with any and all situations as they arise.

I decided last night with my faithful day less than one month away to tell my children about my pending departure from the family. I had both my daughter and son in the family room in the E-Z chair with me. I told them I had something to say and they sat down right next to me. My daughter was the first to speak before I started the "talk". She said she knew what I was going to tell them and I asked her what would that be. She replied; you are going to tell us we have to move. She is a very smart 8 year old girl and I told her she was partly correct. Yes, we in fact do need to move but that wasn't exactly what I had to tell them.

I went on to explain to them that I made a mistake and I will have to go away to pay for that mistake. I will be gone for awhile but I will be back before they know it. My son was disinterested from the start; he is five years old and if it doesn't have to do with superheroes or trucks he wants no part of it. As I started the "talk" he became bored and went over to my wife and asked her to tell him a story. My wife told him to listen to Daddy.

My daughter on the other hand was very different. She listened intently and of course had some questions. She asked me how long I would be gone and I replied awhile but I would most likely miss Christmas and her birthday but I would be back very soon. She wanted to know if I was going to miss Halloween because we had talked about me being Willie Wonka and unfortunately I had to tell her I would not be around for Halloween. She seemed most disappointed at this not Christmas and not her birthday but Halloween, what I feel as an adult as important is very different to an eight year old. She wanted me to go treat or tricking with her while I was dressed up as Willie Wonka; I felt my heart drop of few feet when I heard her words about Halloween.

As I went on with the "talk" I brought up that I had to "pay" for my mistakes and when she heard "pay" she instantly asked me how much. I didn't give her a dollar figure because I tried to explain to her that it is more than money but the fact that I have to "pay" in terms of time and being away from the family; I tried to tell her it is not about money but about making sure those mistakes never happen again. Then I quickly changed the subject to something else which prompted her to ask me if she could sleep in my bed with Mommy when I was gone. I told her she would have to ask Mom but I wanted her to keep sleeping her own bed because that is her bedroom and it is important to have things of her own.

I could see the sadness in her eyes but I think she will be okay and as long as she keeps some normalcy in life for whatever time I am away which will go by quickly and I will be back before she knows it. Yes, it is absolutely horrible I had to have this discussion with my children but there is nothing I can do to change the past. I made these horrible decisions so I could live a fantasy life of compulsive gambling and I will now pay for it with some terrible consequences.

I know I have altered the life of my family with what I have done but hopefully with all that I have learned and continue to learn this alteration of my family's life will turn out positive. I do know this past year has turned out positive and no matter what happens in the next month it will continue to be positive as long as I continue doing the things I have done in this past year which means working the Gamblers Anonymous Program.

Press Releases

After receiving a few requests regarding the press releases which were put together by an excellent public relations person I have decided to post these two articles. Please keep in mind these were NOT my idea; they were the idea of the President of the local alcohol/drug/gambling treatment center where I have been volunteering my time for the past few months. I agreed to take part in the press releases and subsequent newspaper article in hopes of reaching out to one person who may seek treatment.

No one should have to go through what I have gone through because help is available for compulsive gamblers and no one should feel ashamed or embarrassed. Once I committed to my recovery life started to get much better and hopefully some other people will be able to seek the help they so desire. One more item; I haven't changed the press releases in anyway and I believe most people already know my last name (sorry Dad) so I left it in the press release. Here are the press releases;

GAMBLING ADDICTION IS BEING FUELED BY THE RISE OF INDIAN GAMING AND THE PROLIFERATION OF GAMBLING WEBSITES

Women are particularly at risk for gambling addiction,
which can strike up to 5 percent of the population

TEMECULA, Calif., March 21, 2006 ― Indian casinos promote themselves as resorts.

"They're not," said Paul Del Vacchio, Pechanga Resort & Casino's former controller. "They are simply places to go gambling. You walk through any casino on any weekday from 6 a.m. to 10 a.m. and if you polled the people gambling, you would find that at least 75 percent of them are compulsive gamblers. Why else would anybody be there at that hour during the week?"

"Women are at risk because women tend to be escape gamblers," said Marc Lefkowitz, a California-certified gambling counselor who supervises A Better Tomorrow's gambling treatment program. "While some would never to a racetrack, many are very comfortable playing slots. They'll go to a slot machine and zone themselves out. They get addicted almost the first time they play."

As many as 5 percent of the population is at risk for gambling, Lefkowitz said, citing statistics compiled by the California Council on Problem Gambling. The problem results when people who, for a variety of reasons, are at risk for gambling behavior are suddenly exposed to casinos that did not exist in close proximity to their homes before.

"Ten years ago, people would take a trip to Las Vegas once or twice a year. But now you have an older population or ladies who are retired or stay at home moms and they need that escape and they have it in their own backyard. They don't have to drive for four hours. You drive 10 or 15 minutes," Lefkowitz said.

Problem gambling, he added, isn't solely caused by the proliferation of Indian gaming facilities. It's also being fueled by the growth of gambling websites.

Del Vacchio himself preferred online gaming because he could pursue his gambling addiction without anyone knowing what he was doing.

For more information about gambling, contact Marc Lefkowitz at (800) 517-4849 or visit A Better Tomorrow's website at www.treatment4gambling.com.


CLINIC OFFERS TREATMENT, AND HOPE, FOR COMPULSIVE GAMBLERS

"For the first time in my life, my gambling addiction is under control."

― Paul Del Vacchio, former financial controller of Pechanga Resort and Casino who allegedly embezzled $480,000 to cover his gambling debts

TEMECULA, Calif., March 21, 2006 ― Paul Del Vacchio finally realized his life was out of control when he was arrested last year on suspicion of embezzling nearly half a million dollars from Pechanga Resort & Casino.

A compulsive gambler since he was a teenager, Del Vacchio, 40, was a skilled accountant who gradually worked his way up the career ladder to become Pechanga Resort & Casino's financial controller.

Ultimately, however, Del Vacchio's six-figure income wasn't enough to
cover his gambling debts, which he hid from his wife and two kids as well as his employer. "My life," he said, "was totally unmanageable."

But while Del Vacchio's future may seem bleak, given the prospect of his upcoming April 21st sentencing hearing and a potential jail sentence, Del Vacchio actually sees brighter days ahead.

After being arrested last year, he realized he needed professional help, so he enrolled himself in an intensive gambling treatment program offered by A Better Tomorrow, a Temecula-based company that provides a variety of drug, alcohol and gambling treatment programs. Del Vacchio completed the program last year, but continues to attend Gamblers Anonymous meetings in an effort to control his addictive behavior.

"For the first time in my life, my gambling addiction is under control," Del Vacchio said, adding that he wants to speak about his problems with gambling in an effort to encourage others to get help themselves into treatment before it's too late.

A Better Tomorrow's gambling treatment program is headed by Marc Lefkowitz, a California-certified gambling counselor and trainer for the California Council on Problem Gaming. Treatment for compulsive gamblers is the latest service offered by A Better Tomorrow, which has helped more than 260 Southern California residents conquer their drug, alcohol and gambling addictions the past two years.

Jerrod Menz, A Better Tomorrow's president, said private gambling treatment services are needed to help the growing numbers of gamblers in Riverside and San Diego counties, whose addictions have spiraled out of control, either as a result of the growth of the region's Indian gaming business or through the increasing availability of online gambling websites.

While no one can argue with the devastation that occurs to families as a result of drug and alcohol abuse, the financial ramifications of gambling can be far more devastating and can affect families for years to come, said Lefkowitz, who serves as director of A Better Tomorrow's gambling treatment program.

"You can't go through $100,000 in alcohol in a week. But you can go through that in a day at a casino," Lefkowitz said, adding that gambling has the highest suicide rate of any addiction because of the financial and family problems it creates.

"People often create their own financial problems due to their gambling. And then they try to rely on gambling to get out of the hole. But it doesn't work," he said.

While some states, such as Oregon, have state-funded gambling treatment programs, California does not. This leaves gamblers with two options: They can either seek help through Gamblers Anonymous, a non-profit group similar to Alcoholics Anonymous, or they can seek help through a private treatment center, such as A Better Tomorrow.

"People can go to Gamblers Anonymous, but for some people, GA is not enough and they need treatment, too," Lefkowitz said. "Here at A Better Tomorrow, we do individual counseling and we give our clients a psychiatric evaluation. We help them learn effective strategies to control their addictive behavior. We help them deal with their financial issues. We help them set budgets and sensible payback plans. And we help them deal with their family."

Marc also said the success rate is often much higher when patients combine therapy with GA sessions.

Del Vacchio identifies with this advice.

He first sought treatment for his gambling addiction from Gamblers Anonymous when he was in college, but he was too scared to attend one of their meetings after a Gamblers Anonymous member who contacted him about his gambling problem. "I got a call from a guy like Tony Soprano. He told me, "You can never bet again or you'll end up in jail, become insane or end up dead."

Del Vacchio thought this response was extreme, so he didn't get involved with Gamblers Anonymous at that time. "I thought I could just be strong, use my willpower and I would be fine. I didn't need a support group. I didn't need a psychologist," he said.

But the man from Gamblers Anonymous was right about what would happen to Del Vacchio. His life is, in fact, a history of compulsive gambling.

"I made my first bet at a racetrack when I was 12 years old," he said.

By the time he was 16, he was heavily involved in sports betting, in which one bets on the outcome of football, baseball or basketball games.

By the time he was 18, he had racked up more than $13,000 in debts to a bookie. His parents intervened and sent him to a psychologist. His father eventually spoke to the bookie and managed to persuade him to forgive his son's gambling debts.

Del Vacchio stayed away from gambling until his senior year of college, when he took a trip to Atlantic City with college buddies. "The worst thing that could have happened," he said. "I won $2,000, and it rekindled something inside of me that said, "You can handle this."

Over the next five years, Del Vacchio got involved with sports betting again. Between the ages of 23 and 28, he racked up $100,000 in debt, even though he was only making $35,000 a year at the time as an accountant for a major public accounting firm.

He later got married and wound up taking a trip a trip to Las Vegas, where he gambled big and won again. "I fell in love with it," he said.

He and his wife later relocated to Las Vegas in 1994, where Del Vacchio got a job working in accounting positions for major casinos.

But he soon became bored with his job and started to occupy his time placing bets over the Internet.

He eventually landed a job with Pechanga Resort & Casino, where he was hired as assistant controller. He was subsequently promoted to financial controller. Over time, however, he allegedly racked up nearly half a million in debt. He used his access to Pechanga's funds to cover his gaming debts, but the scam fell apart when Wells Fargo Bank notified authorities of suspicious transactions involving his account.

While he worked for many years in casinos, Del Vacchio said he found Internet gaming particularly appealing because it enabled him to gamble without anyone realizing what he was doing. "I found that I could be totally anonymous," he said. "No one would ever know whether I won or lost. I always thought I could win my way out."

With help from A Better Tomorrow, however, Del Vacchio learned that his gambling addiction was driven in part by the unhappiness he felt as an adolescent over his parents' divorce. He learned that gambling helped distract him from the sadness and alleviate the pain that continued to plaque him even as an adult.

Del Vacchio completed his session with A Better Tomorrow in September of last year, but he continues to attend Gamblers Anonymous meetings for maintenance purposes. "The best thing I've ever done is committing to Gamblers Anonymous and attending A Better Tomorrow's treatment facility," he said. "I no longer have to keep secrets from my wife or my children. I feel like I've finally gotten my life back."

He said he was amazed by the compassion given to him by other people attending A Better Tomorrow's gambling addiction program and the many Gamblers Anonymous meetings. "They didn't look at me in disapproval," he said, "they looked at me with genuine sympathy. I realized, "I'm not alone in this thing."

For more information about A Better Tomorrow, contact Jerrod Menz at (800) 517-4849 or visit the company's website at http://www.treatment4gambling.com/.

Step Four

I am happy to report that last night was dream and anxiety free!!! With the exception of my poor wife's cough it was a very restful sleep. My poor wife is battling a cough and cold. She is the second one in our family to be afflicted with some type of illness. The first one was my son who contacted Step throat and had to stay home from school yesterday and today. Our family shares many things and unfortunately when one of us gets sick we all seem to get sick. We all will make it just takes time.

Before I go into Step Four in the Recovery Program of the Gamblers Anonymous Program I wanted to share something that happened to me this morning. It may seem insignificant to most people but I was dumbfounded when it happened. My gym membership expired a few days ago at a gym where I have been a member for 9 years. My membership is on an annual program which means I pay one price for the full year. Now at the end of next month I will be going away for an undetermined amount of time so it wouldn't make sense for me to commit to a one year membership.

I inquired from the gym's General Manager about a one month membership and he quoted me a price which was half of my 12 month membership and proceeded to tell me it was the best he could do. Yes, he was a young kid with a rather large ego and he didn't care if he lost my business. I was dumbfounded because he wasn't willing to work with me. I thought customers had some rights but this young man showed me no respect. My nine years of gym membership meant nothing to him. I did not make a scene; I said my goodbyes to some of the staff I have become friends with over the years and left the gym.

I went directly to a competing gym down the street and told another young man my situation. This young man did everything he could to come up with a feasible plan. He told me to write down 10 people I know who maybe interested in a gym membership. In exchange for these 10 people's names he gave me a 30 day pass for free. I was amazed because this situation was the direct opposite of the situation at the gym I had been a member for 9 years. This young man wanted to satisfy me as a customer and didn't stop until he found a feasible solution. It just goes to show me that no matter how many brick walls I may run into there are always people willing to help.

On to Step Four; "Made a searching and fearless moral and financial inventory of ourselves". The financial part of the inventory is very easy because there is nothing left. All of my financial means have gone to pay restitution back to my former employer. Now I will try to be thorough and specific when taking this moral inventory.

I will start with my strengths; Tolerance---I have always been a very tolerant person with others, I firmly believe in treating people with respect no matter what the situation; if someone is belligerent or impatience I will treat them with respect and dignity. I believe everyone has their own faults and I will be tolerant in getting past their faults as well as my own.

Promptness---I have always believed in showing up on time as a matter of respect to all parties. I don't like to wait and I don't expect anyone to wait for me.

Communications--I believe communications is the key to any successful person or organization. I may not have been so great in communicating to myself but I took pride in communicating to others.

Humility---this is an irony when you see my defects; I have always tried to be humble in anything I did or said; now I know the true meaning of humility in my recovery. What I have done to myself and my family has humbled me so very much and each day I try to give more to others than I receive.

Optimism---the glass is half-full and everything happens for a reason; life is so much better with an optimistic outlook and everything will work out for the best.

Forgiveness---people make mistakes and I have made mistakes; this does not mean I will forget those mistakes but everyone deserves a second chance as long as they have remedied those mistakes and genuine about their behaviors. I am a human being and as a human being I am flawed; I am doing everything in my power to correct those mistakes and I have forgiven myself for what I have done. There are some people in this world that will never forgive what I have done and this is fine with me. I believe everyone is fallible and it how one reacts to this mistakes that will define their true character. Forgiveness is necessary in a civilized society because without this would be a heartless world.

Responsibility---I have always tried to be responsible for my actions even though some of my actions were extremely irresponsible. I have take responsibility for my actions and placed the blame squarely on my shoulders. I thought I was a responsible person and now that gambling has been removed from my life I am truly responsible for my actions.

Consideration---even though it may seem like my acts were very inconsiderate of others I tried in the past to think of how others would feel. I was always considerate of my staff which is part of the big shock when what I did become public. This consideration was not an act it was my true character. My inconsiderate act was caused by my ability to not address my gambling problem. I worked with some fabulous people and always tried to think of their feelings even though many of them would most likely disagree because I am not there anymore and their work lives have been made a little more difficult. I sincerely apologize for those actions.

Friendliness---treat people like how you would like to be treated my mom always said and this is what I have done my whole life. I am a friendly person because it beats the alternative and I would rather be treated by a friendly person as opposed to an unfriendly person.

Defects of Character---my defects of character can be categorized by one word GAMBLING because I became all the things I never should have become; a liar, cheater, thief, and inconsiderate arrogant person. With gambling removed from my life I still have some character defects which I try to work on each and every day of my life. Some of my character defects;

Selfishness---sometimes I wallow in my own self-pity and this is wrong. It is not about me it is about others. I need to do more things for other people and stop the self-pity.

False Pride---otherwise known as arrogance---in the past and sometimes even now I think I am better than other people. This is one of the reasons I did what I did at my previous employer; I was smarter than they were and they couldn't possibly catch me. The simple fact of the matter is I am not smarter or clever than anyone else. I am equal and most times less than equal to other people and I have so much more to learn in life.

Laziness---this is a big one for me because in the past I have waited for things to come to me to finally act on them. I was never proactive in my approach to life I was reactive and sometimes my reactions were very late. I need to be more assertive and get things done in a more timely manner. I don't necessarily procrastinate because my laziness sometime precludes me from doing the activity at all. I am making a conscience effort to do more things in an active manner and not to be lazy.

Self-Deception---I fooled myself for so long that I was not a compulsive gambler and I could gamble like normal people. This self-deception is a thing of the past because I cannot gamble ever again my life would end. I have developed an awareness of myself which I try to tune into each and every day. With the guidance of my Higher Power this self-deception has become self-awareness.

I know there are many more defects of character out there that fit my personality but those are some of the main ones. I try each and every day to rid myself of these defects but that will be addressed fully in Step Seven when I humbly ask God (of my own understanding) to remove my shortcomings.

First Dream

Today being exactly one month to my sentencing date it was only fitting that last night I had my first dream about the upcoming sentencing hearing. I was in court with my attorney and my wife. There was no judge and no Deputy District Attorney. I was being ushered from the court by a Bailiff with my attorney and wife. I was ushered to a checkout stand. The kind of checkout stand one would find in a grocery store.

I got to the checkout stand and the clerk (checkout clerk that is) asked me what my sentencing was; I replied "I don't know because the judge hadn't told me and he wasn't even in the courtroom. The checkout clerk proceeded to ask her supervisor who appeared to be the store manager. The store manager did not know. So the store manager asked the district manager. The district manager did not know. The district manager asked the store owner. The store owner did not know and then I woke up.

Hmmm....I wonder what this all means?? I could guess and it would be fairly obvious to most everyone; which is my frustration of not knowing exactly what the sentence will be. Also the frustration of all the powers that be who seem to not know as well.

I admit I am extremely anxious. I lay awake sometimes and I can feel my heart racing for really no apparent reason. I try not dwell on what will take place next month on this date but sometimes when I wake up from a dream such like this it is very difficult to not dwell. I have never had an anxiety attack but last night with my heart racing like it was I could imagine what an anxiety attack may feel like. I have some tremendous tools to draw up and have some tremendous people in my life who have helped and continue to help each and everyday. However; it is those dark moments in the wee hours of the night where I find myself drifting into an anxious state.

Whatever is going to happen on April 21st is going to happen and I caused this myself. I have no one to blame except for myself but I am scared. I will face that day just like any other day and draw upon what I have learned in this past year. I know I will get through whatever is handed down and finally start to move forward without a heavy burden hanging over my head. I do look forward to end which will start a beautiful beginning.

Today was a very interesting day because I had two interviews. One was career related and one was with a local newspaper reporter but they both had the same theme; RECOVERY. I have never had a job interview where I was asked about recovery and today I had my first recovery interview. A few months ago I sent a resume to a Recovery Center along with a cover letter detailing specifically my situation. I received a telephone call last week from someone at the Recovery Center who wanted to set-up a telephone interview for today. I was very excited by this prospect and look forward to this interview.

The interview was very short and they told me it would be and they told me it would be an interview like no other. They were right because for 20 minutes we spoke about recovery. The people I were speaking with were both recovering alcoholics so they new addiction very well. They wanted to ensure I was committed to my recovery and after twenty minutes they said some very complimentary things to me and told me they would call me back in a few days to firm up the next interview. I was very pleased how this turned out and although timing may be an issue with this opportunity at least I know there are people in this world who will give me a second chance and I have Gamblers Anonymous to thank. Without this Program in my life I would not know what recovery is and I wouldn't have had this opportunity. Everything happens for a reason and I know everything will work out for the best.

The second interview I had today was with a local newspaper reporter and it centered around my recovery. I have been doing some work with a local recovery center and they were kind enough to send my story out to a few local newspapers. One of the newspapers was very interested in doing a story on my situation and centering it on recovery. I spoke with the newspaper reporter for about one hour and it was a very good interview. He was a very young man and he didn't really understand gambling addiction or recovery. I did the best I could to explain gambling addiction and how my recovery has saved my life.

He asked some very good questions and one of the questions he asked was; "Aren't you doing all of these positive things in your recovery to get a lesser sentence?" My response; "No, I am doing these positive things so I get my life back." Whatever the judge decides he will decide and as long as I continue working my recovery to the best of my ability life will continue to get better each and every day.

The story will be printed in the Sunday edition of the local newspaper and I am very interested to see the final product. Hopefully, this story will help someone who is struggling with a gambling problem and this person will seek some type of treatment and get help. If I can help one person reach out and get help my negative situation will turn into a positive situation for someone else. Life is a strange journey and I am so very grateful to be on a path which has shown me the positive sides of life as opposed to negative side when I was gambling. My Higher Power has a plan and I am moving forward with this plan each and every day.

What a Difference

This morning I had a tremendous conversation with my older sister. When I say "tremendous" I mean this in a very positive manner. Last year at this time I know my sister and I had a very difficult time. However; one year later and having committed whole-heartily to my recovery we were able to have an extremely productive conversation about how I will break the news of my pending departure to my daughter. My sister had some great insights and gave me some very good ideas. I am truly blessed to have this remarkable person in my life.

What a difference one year and committing to my recovery has made to my growth. I know the years will go by and as someone wrote "time heals all wounds" but if I were not committed to my recovery program I know I would not have been able to have this conversation with my sister this morning. People do make mistakes and I have certainly made my share; however; the true measure of me as a person will be determined by what I do to correct these mistakes and how I face this adversity. One year later I really like the progress I have made.

I have learned some very powerful techniques through the Gamblers Anonymous Program and they have given me my life back. In getting my life back I am able to have have a great life. In this great life there is honesty, integrity, trust, willingness and nothing but positives. The lies are things of the past and hopefully this will be buried for the rest of my life. I know my gambling addiction will be with me for the rest of my life which is why I need to continue working on my recovery each and everyday.

I will recover from my compulsive gambling addiction as long as I stay in recovery. This may seem difficult to understand for some people but I must continue to work the Program and commit to my Higher Power each and every day in order for my recovery to be a success. I have met so many successful people in the Gamblers Anonymous Program and the only way they have become successful is applying the Program to their daily affairs. Each and every day I try to apply the principles of the Program in my daily affairs in order to have a normal productive life.

I wrote about a positive newspaper article which was being developed in regards to my situation. Today I read a proof of this article which was very written. I know some members of my family may have a hard time reading the article because it will bring up all wounds but unfortunately that is the story of my compulsive gambling. The positive aspect of the story is what I have been doing with this past year and how I have turned a very negative situation into a positive.

The story outlines my struggles with compulsive gambling and focuses on the positive aspects of my recovery. It informs anyone with a gambling problem that they are not alone and there is help available. I know many people don't seek help because of the shame and embarrassment but there is no need to be shamed or embarrassed. This is an insidious addiction and can strike anyone from the dock worker to the Judge and anyone else with a pulse. This addiction does not discriminate against anyone and with the proliferation of gambling will continue to effect more and more people.

Help is available but the help can only work if the person commits to getting better. For so many years I didn't know how to commit to the Program and struggled with willpower alone to battle my compulsive gambling addiction. I know willpower is ineffective in my battle and I know re-enforcement. I have found re-enforcement in the the Gamblers Anonymous Program and my Higher Power. With all of these positive aspects in my life I am no longer alone and I can continue to get better each and every day.

Los Angeles Marathon

As I wrote yesterday a marathon consists of 26.2 miles and some people feel this is a very long distance and others feel it is not. Today I had the great pleasure of taking part in the Los Angeles Marathon and it was one of those days where 26.2 miles felt very long. I am so grateful to have been given the opportunity to run in this spectacular event and I truly do live a blessed life.

It was not my best marathon and it was not my worst marathon it was somewhere in between. My goal was to run the 26.2 miles in about 3 1/2 hours or so however; unfortunately I was closer to the 4 hour range. Personally I was disappointed because I wasn't able to accomplish my time goal but I did start and finish the marathon. Starting and finishing a marathon means so much more to me than any silly personal time goal because finishing an event such as the Los Angeles Marathon is something that not many people do. This does not make me any better than any one else it just gives me a sense of accomplishment.

I was able to run with a very nice lady who was also from Southern California for the first 17 miles. This is unusual for me because all of my training and all of my previous (4) marathons had been run alone. As I ran with this total stranger and as we chatted I thought how good life has become. This nice lady was a few years older than me (I am 40 years old) and has two teenage children; a daughter 18 and a son 16. She talked about her children and how proud she was of them and I talked about my children and how proud I was of them as well. We were going at a very good pace because our time goals were essentially the same. She was more of a seasoned runner than myself with this being her 8th LA Marathon and 10th marathon overall.

I was never a big believer of coincidences in the past in fact I rarely ever thought of random events as anything because I was too fixated on my gambling. Today was a great example of my Higher Power at work; this nice lady who I met coming out of the hotel and as we walked to the start line with 25,000 other participants we were separated. However; around mile 2 I was able to spot her and run with her for the next 17 miles. I know she was put there for a reason; she is at a point in her life where I will be in the next ten years. She has been married for 25 years; has a daughter which will be going to college this September, she donates a great deal of her time to help under privileged teenagers and she runs marathons very well I might add. It appeared to me this nice lady had such a sense of serenity which was amazing and refreshing.

As we were running I was taking in everything this lady was saying and also trying to concentrate on my running form. Even though I had a great first half of the race and was right on pace to finish with my time goal I didn't feel all that great physically and my emotions were running out of gas as well. I think my emotions were running low because of the wonderful Gamblers Anonymous celebration the day before. This celebration was so emotional that by the 18 mile I was literally running on fumes. This nice lady continued her pace and I slowed my down considerably.

In the past I would have been so mad at myself for slowing down and at a few points even walking but I wasn't out there to win the race I was out there to enjoy myself and take life in. I had the pleasure of meeting a total stranger and sharing some great conversation for 2 hours. I was able to see the city of LA from a vantage point that not many people get to shared. I felt the inspiration from the crowd and the other runners so there was no reason to get mad at myself. Sure I would have liked to have finished the race a little faster but I would have missed the message that was presented to me. This message which has been learned from the Gamblers Anonymous Program and my Higher Power is to enjoy today because this is all I have. Today was a blessing and I am so grateful to have experienced all the things that have been presented to me.

Another one of those blessings was waiting for me at the finish line in my wife and children. As I ran across the finish line and looked for my family I had chills running down my spine; these three people are my inspiration. The moment I spotted my 8 year old daughter and saw her big bright smile I had tears in my eyes. Then I saw my son and my wife and I was filled with emotions. My son handed me a big beautiful bouquet of flowers and I was deeply touched. Then I handed the medal I received for finishing the race to my daughter and her eyes got even bigger and her smile brighter. (As a side note I alternate giving the medals to my daughter and son; today was my daughter's turn because I gave my son the medal from the last marathon.)

These are the moments in life which have a lasting meaning. All those moments I had when I was gambling were fleeting and now these moments will last forever. I am a blessed man and I have so many people to thank for teaching me all of my blessing were right in front of me. I am so happy to finally realize all the good there is to life and now I am truly experiencing and cherishing life.

Genuine Love and Affection

This morning I had the honor and privilege to celebrate my one year birthday in the Gamblers Anonymous Program with three other wonderful people who I consider my dear friends. Normally our meetings are filled with genuine love and affection but this meeting went far beyond the normal love and affection. It truly was an outstanding collection of magnificent people and there was such a deep bond between all members I was truly blown away. There were so many moments when my eyes welled up from the powerful words that were said and the emotions that were shared. I consider myself a blessed person to have these fabulous people in my life.

The meeting started out with a very dear member sharing some WOW's and the meeting continued with this incredibly theme. It will be a morning I will never forget. One of the best decisions I made happened over one year ago was to enter the Saturday Morning Gamblers Anonymous meeting and my life has been forever changed.

This morning's meeting had over 40 people attend and some of the attendees came from great distances. I was moved by all the members in attendance and I was deeply touched by those members who made it a priority to attend this meeting. Those members understand the power of the Program and the meaning of Step 12 in the Gamblers Anonymous Program; "Having made an effort to practice these principles in all our affairs, we tried to carry this message to other compulsive gamblers."

The meeting was chaired by a very close friend and this friend did a remarkable job keeping the meeting moving and keeping it on track without hurting the deep spirituality that existed in the room. This meeting was very spiritual and I am so happy to finally understand what spirituality means and how it applies to my life. I am no longer floating alone in a bubble. I am walking side by side with some remarkable people and my Higher Power is always with me.

My Higher Power has finally been discovered. It has been discovered once I got my own arrogance out of the way. I cannot go on this journey alone and I don't have to go on this journey alone. I have my dear family (which was in attendance), the Program, my friends in the Program and my friends outside of the Program and most importantly my Higher Power to get me through each and every day.

My dear wife and children attended the meeting and I was honored to be in their presence. My children were extremely good in fact they were excellent. The meeting was 2 hours and 15 minutes long and this is a very long time to set for anyone including an 8 year old and 5 year old. These two children were incredible. My wife who is my rock had tears in her eyes at various different moments and she spoke with such clarity it truly was amazing. I have know my wife for 23 years and my love for her has grown so much for her in the past year.

I know what has happened is very bad but I do know what I am doing now is very good and will continue to be very good as long as I keep the principles of the Program alive in each day of my life. Without this Program and the genuine love and affection I have felt from everyone in the Program my life would be considerably different. I am so very happy to have experienced a day like today that I am a very blessed person. Lou Gehrig said; "I consider myself the luckiest man of the face of the earth". Today; I consider myself the most blessed person on the face of the earth. It was a magnificent morning.

After the meeting I had the pleasure of accompanying my son to his first soccer game of the season. The result was a 4-4 tie but my son scored two goals and as the ball went through the net each time he turned and looked over to where I was standing and gave me this huge smile. These are the moments in life that I will cherish forever. I was so very fortunate to be able to share this moment with my son. I thank my Higher Power for allowing me to share in all of today's wonderful gifts.

Traveling Around Southern California

This afternoon I had the pleasure of meeting a wonderful woman who has agreed to help me with the sentencing phase in my case. We had a great lunch and much like many of the other people who I have met in this past year I am truly blessed to have another magnificent person in my life. Everything does happen for a reason and even though my circumstances were awful; life will continue to get better. Today was no exception as we ate lunch we talked about my compulsive gambling, compulsive gambling in general, the treatment of compulsive gamblers and a whole host of other topics.

One year ago today I sat in the County Jail and had no idea what the future would hold for me but one year later I was having lunch with one of the leaders in the treatment of compulsive gamblers and having a great discussion. I am so very grateful to have this nice lady assist me with my case. I am not so sure if the court will fully understand the addiction of compulsive gambling but I do have some great people on my side.

After lunch I drove 90 miles north to Los Angeles so I could register for the Los Angeles Marathon. Last year I was scheduled to run the LA Marathon but events being what they were I could not run the race. This year I went back and forth about running the race but after having a conversation with a friend of mine I thought it would be a very good idea to run the race not only for me but for the family. This will be my fifth marathon and my family has been to all of them and the children really get a kick out of the whole atmosphere.

For those of you new to marathon running the course is 26.2 miles long and for those of you who are non-runners this may seem like a very long distance. Yes, it is a long distance but running and working out has become an integral part of my recovery. Exercising has really kept my mind focused and kept me from falling into a depressive state. There will be 25,000 other participants in the LA marathon and I will get to see Los Angeles up close and personal as I take about a 3 and half hour tour. The weather looks very good for running and I am very excited to run the race.

I am also very excited about tomorrow morning's Gamblers Anonymous Meeting because we are celebrating four one year birthdays. Yes, I am one of the four who are celebrating and the other three are very close friend's of mine. We thought it would be great if all four of us could celebrate on the same day and it has worked out perfectly. Another dear friend of mine will be chairing the meeting and I am so looking forward to the meeting.

I do know one year really isn't a big milestone because my compulsive gambling is a lifelong addiction. However; I do know one year of really working my recovery and applying the tools the Gamblers Anonymous Program has given is a very big deal and I am so very happy to celebrate this day with three other fantastic people. It will be a very busy weekend but I want to make the most of the time I have and I can't think of better way of spending a weekend with people who have become so very special to me.

The Day Time Stood Still

One year ago today all of my denials about my compulsive gambling addiction had become a reality when the police came to my house to arrest me. Yes, the "official" date of my legal case is March 16, 2005 when I was booked on 24 felony counts including embezzlement and grand theft. I have subsequently plead guilty to 26 (the Assistant District Attorney threw in 2 tax evasion counts at a later date) felony counts and I am awaiting my sentencing next month.

I would be remiss in not posting about that day one year ago today when time did stand still for me. I have posted some of this story in the past and I apologize for rehashing old material but it is very important to me to document this day because I cannot ever forget that horrid day.

It was a Wednesday and it had been two weeks to the day when I was "terminated" by my previous employer for my indiscretions. I knew something was going to happen but I did not realize this would be the day. I waited the two weeks while the detectives gathered all their evidence and brought charges. In this two weeks I tried to contact my previous employer through various emails detailing my gambling addiction and "why" I did what I did. I really wanted to work something out with my previous employer (this was part of my delusional thinking because of course my previous employer had to press charges) and NOT have the police involved but my previous employer didn't want anything to do with me and my reasons.

In fact; over one of the weekends while I was awaiting the charges the police came to my house NOT to arrest me but to check on my well being. Someone at my previous employer was concerned about whether or not I may kill myself and contacted the local police department. When they came to the door my heart naturally jumped into my throat but we had a nice conversation and I assured them I was not going to do anything "stupid" and I have the Gamblers Anonymous Program to thank for this.

Getting back to the faithful day last year at this time; I was at the Gym and received a phone call from my sister-in-law who was staying with us at the time with her new born daughter (my gambling not only affected me but the life of a new born baby to which I am so very sorry to have put my sister-in-law and my niece in this awful position) telling me to come home because the police were at my home and going through the whole house. I showered, called my attorney because I did not know what to do but couldn't reach my attorney and went home. I saw two detectives standing in my home talking with my wife and the next thing I know the detective was placing me in handcuffs and walking me to an awaiting police car; it was around noon and thank God neither my daughter nor son were home, they were at school.

My wife was trying to contact our attorney and I kissed her good-bye and told her how sorry I am for putting her through this, She assured me everything will be fine, what an amazing woman!!I was placed in the police car and off we went to the county detention center. The same officer who had me in custody two weeks earlier at my previous employer and let me go because the evidence wasn't fully compiled drove me to the police station. As we drove the police officer struck up a very pleasant conversation and as I heard the words coming out of his mouth my brain could not process any of those words.

We went in the "back way" so I could be processed into the jail. The detective did tell the processing sergeant that I was very cooperative and shouldn't have any problems with me which certainly was the case. After this I remember the Detective asking me if I had anything to say or would I wait for my attorney to be present. I opted for waiting for my attorney.

I was placed in a 4 x 4 holding cell for the next 24 hours with one other person because there was no room in the larger county jail so I sat and waited for 24 hours. I did not know time could stand still but that 24 hours was the longest 24 hours of my life. There were no clocks, no sun light and not much of anything but I brought this entire episode on myself and deserved this punishment. During this 24 hour period one officer took me to central processing for my fingerprints and "mug shots". The lady taking the picture wanted to make sure the picture came out good because my case was a "high profile" case and the picture would probably wind up in the newspaper. In fact this picture was part of the Al Roker Investigation Production; "Kids, Cards & Dice".

After taking the mugshot I met with another officer for an interview. The interview was merely a legal process to see if I would be eligible for bail through my own recognizance. I thought I would be eligible for this but the amount of money in which I have been alleged to have taken was much too high for this type of bail. The officer asked me several questions mostly about my family and previous work history. I could over hear the person next to me while they were conducting their interview and I noticed the Officer was admonishing the inmate because he was a repeat offender. My officer did not admonish me.

I was finally admitted to the "big" prison after 24 hours of waiting in the 4 x 4 holding cell. I was placed into an orange jumpsuit and my regular clothes were placed in with the Uniform Officer. I was led to the prison in handcuffs which were attached to a large chain around my waist. I was sent to the "Protective Custody" area of the jail which meant I was with non-violent type offenders which also meant I was placed with child molesters. Never in my wildest nightmares would I have envisioned being in a place like this and those of you reading this who think you MAY have a gambling problem and are thinking this can't happen to me I would beg to differ. Compulsive gambling can take people to places where they are not proud of and 6% of ALL suicides are committed by compulsive gamblers; to me this is a significant number so please get help because it is never too late.

I spent the next four nights in the county jail cell which was 4 x 8 with bunk beds. I shared the cell with an elderly gentleman who was extremely nice to me because I was minding my own business. I believe he was there on a parole violation and had another 3 months to go. He was able to get me a few books to read and no one bothered me at all. At 5:00 am the lights went on for breakfast and we were let out of our cells for 20 minutes. At 11:00 am lunch was served and again we were let out of our cells for 20 minutes and at 4:00 pm dinner was served for the same time period.

I was a hit with the fellow inmates because I gave away my meat (I think it was meat) because I am a vegetarian and I ate their salad or fruit. The drinks were either milk which I don't drink or Kool-Aid which I tried to water down. I had always heard that the inmates in prison get bread and water. Unfortunately neither one of these food staples were available as I spent my time in the county jail. In fact I would have been ecstatic about having a clean glass of water but it was not available.

Needless to say after finally getting out I was so hungry, tired and dirty. Yes, they had showers but I didn't feel very comfortable in this shower and moved in out as quick as possible. Also, during the times other than breakfast, lunch and dinner we were allowed out of our cells for one hour intervals at least two and sometimes three times a day, the rest of the time was spent in the cell. Out in the common area there were telephones and one television. I had made a few phone calls but I had no desire to sit and watch television. Also, there was no daylight at all so only the clock showed whether it was day or night time.

During the times we were let out of the cells I would walk for the hour around the common area up the stairs passed the second level of cells to get some type of exercise because any physical (such as push-ups or pull-ups) exercise by the inmates was prohibited, I guess the guards did not want the inmates to be stronger than them. Any time someone was caught doing push-ups or pull-ups the guard will immediately yell at them the first time and the second time meant you couldn't come out of your cell the entire day.

I decided to walk to get some type of conditioning because I was going stir crazy looking at those walls. I did speak with a few inmates who knew why I was in there because my story was in the newspaper. These inmates were very "proud" of my misdeeds but I couldn't share their enthusiasm. I tried to downplay it as much as possible and changed the subject so not to focus the attention on me. The last thing I wanted was attention; I just wanted to do my time and get out of there.

At 1:00 am of the 6th night my cell was opened and the officer informed me I had made bail. My great friend came to pick me up at 3:00 am because it took two hours to discharge me which meant spending another 2 hours in the 4 x 4 holding cell. I was so happy to see my friend who drove me home and we talked for an hour at my house then he went home. My wife and children were not there (thank God) because they were in New Jersey visiting family for the Easter holiday.

After my friend left I made myself a tuna sandwich and after eating the sandwich I took the longest hottest shower of my life. I slept for a few hours before my wife called and asked me how I was doing. I was doing fine and I couldn't wait to go to the Tuesday night Gamblers Anonymous meeting because I hadn't been at a meeting in over one week.

I know this is somewhat of a repost of an earlier blog but it is so important for me to understand where I was one year ago today. Yes, next month I will be going back for a yet to be determined amount of time. However; through my Higher Power, the Gamblers Anonymous Program, my family and my friends I have some unbelievable tools at my disposal to get through this next period in my life. I have seen in the past year a growth within myself that I haven't seen in my life. I like what I see and I love my recovery. I have so many people to thank for this and I know as long as I keep applying these tools in my daily affairs everything will continue to get better.

Time Moves Quickly

I had a college professor a number of years ago tell me that the only thing that is constant in life is time. He went on to say time will continue to tick on by no matter what you do so make the best of all the time you have available. I haven't thought about this in a very long time but with my time apparently running out in the next few weeks I am trying to make the most of everything. Today was one of those days which went by so very fast. It was over in a blink of an eye and when I recollect on the day I am not sure where it all went.

When I was gambling all I seemed to care about was making the next bet or finding enough money to ensure I could make the next bet. I didn't care about time because I thought I had all the time in the world to win back my losses. There isn't enough time in my lifetime to ever accomplish this because I am a compulsive gamblers and I will lose no matter what.

I was retelling my story to a member of the media earlier today and this person seemed genuinely interested. He didn't really understand what gambling was all about but he knew what addictions can do to people. It was refreshing to speak with someone who was interested in what I was saying and was also very professional. We spoke at length about my battle with compulsive gambling and my recovery. He will be doing a positive story about not only my recovery but recovery of others with all different types of addictions. I am anxiously awaiting this report.

After speaking with this gentleman I spoke to a long time friend who resides on the East Coast and knows all about my situation. He is a great friend and even though we haven't seen each other for over 8 years the friendship is as strong as ever. He told my wife a joke and reiterated to me later about my pending incarceration. He told my wife she should ask the judge to put me on house arrest which would prohibit me from going to the gym and also make me eat five twinkies a day!!! Now if you know me you know this is very funny and would even be consider cruel and unusual punishment!! Of course I laughed at this joke and I do know what I have done is no laughing matter; however; it does beat the alternative which is laying in the fetal position crying.

We also talked about how I should tell my children. As I stated yesterday I must be very careful how I present this to them especially my eight year old daughter. My son really won't understand and if he hears I am going to prison he may think this is cool. My friend who also has a five year old son agreed and asked me if my son likes to play army and pretend to blow things up. Yes, my son is exactly like this. There must be something in the genes of many five year old boys because they love playing army and love blowing things up and they also may think going to prison is cool. Going to prison is not cool and it is something I thought I would have to never worry about but now it is my reality.

Getting back to how I will tell my daughter; I was concerned with her hearing the truth about what I did from me not someone else. However; I have had three different people tell me it may not be in her best interest if I told her I was going to prison or jail at this time. My friend agreed and he said to me what happens when someone asks her where her father is; will she feel so great about telling them I am in prison? He has a point and my mom also pointed this out. It maybe best in telling her I am going away for awhile but will be back.

She has friends whose fathers are in Iraq and they have been gone for over a year. So she is used to having her friend's fathers gone for long periods of time. I am not telling her I am going to Iraq because that is an outright lie and I don't want to lie anymore. I may tell her I am going away to get help and be a better person but I need to work on this some more. My mom suggested dropping subtle hints while she is in ear shot about me going away this way she is subconsciously aware before I tell her.

Obviously I am dreading this moment but it is something I must do in the most non-intrusive manner. I know being away for whatever period of time will have a lasting effect on my children but I do want them to know that I love them and will always be there for them when I come back. I have less than five weeks to make the most of my time and it really has been the best of the worst year I can have. I am learning each and every day to be a better person which makes me a better husband, father, son, brother, and friend. This will not stop because I will be incarcerated and life will continue to get better.

Blessed and Grateful

First off a few personal items which I have been neglecting for the past few days. My daughter and son received their progress reports (they were called report cards when I was in school but now they are known as progress reports) last week. My daughter who has been labeled a "nerd" by her aunt received an extremely favorable progress report. She is in the second grade and they are not given A's, B's, C's, D's or F's they are given 1's (not so good), 2's (better) and 3's (best). She received nothing but 3's and 2+'s hence earning the nickname from her beloved aunt.

I hope she stays a nerd throughout her academic years. A "nerd" is a good nickname as long as she keeps getting progress reports like the ones she has been receiving. I think my daughter will be a "cool nerd" when she is in High School as long as she gets over her need to be perfect. This is another story for another time.

My son who is only in pre-school; he will start kindergarten in the Fall received his progress report as well. This was more of an informal meeting with his pre-school teacher than my daughter's progress report but was also very good. I am not so sure we will ever label my son a "nerd" in the coming years but his teacher had nothing but good things to say about him. One of the compliments he received from his teacher was how good a listener he is. This was shocking to my wife and me because he must leave all his listening skills at school. At home he will listen after the second and sometimes third time we tell him to do something. So when his teacher told us this we were amazed. We asked her if she had the right child. She assured us it was Jonathan and she has even used him as an example of what to do for the other children. This was truly amazing and I am so blessed to have two wonderful children.

I have to be very careful of how I present my "going away" to my children because I don't want to ruin their beautiful lives. I know there will be some bumpy roads but I do know my wife will continue the positive reinforcement while I am away. Yes, I will miss a few firsts and it really pains me to think of this; however; I will truly be there for them when my time is up. I will truly be there for them over their lifetime. There will be no more distractions, no more lying and no more pretending. I am a better father because of what has happened and I fully intend on becoming better and better as each day passes no matter where I spend the next few years.

I couldn't have asked for a better family. All I ever need is right in front of me. Yes, I did some incredibly stupid things without thinking of the consequences and I will pay for those stupid things and rightfully so. We live in a civilized society and people should act civilized at all times. I did not act civilized and will be punished for those actions. I do know I have some powerful tools to get me through each and every day. Those powerful are just as effective on the outside as they are on the inside as long as I keep those principles a part of my daily affairs. My future is uncertain but as long as I live today with a positive purpose and look to my Higher Power for guidance life today gets better which will make my future that much better.

Earlier today I had a conversation with a very prominent psychiatrist in the field of compulsive gambling. This man has been a leader in the field for over 30 years and as I explained my situation to him I felt very uneasy. I did not meet him face to face which may have made me more comfortable I spoke with him over the telephone. I spoke for about 15 minutes and did not receive a great of feedback which made me feel very uncomfortable. This is one of my character defects; I have a need to be liked by everyone and I feel everyone should like me. Let's face it there are many people who don't like me and may never like me because of the things I have done. However; when I was faced with this silence by the psychiatrist I realized I have a great deal of work to do on this character defect.

I know people will either like me or won't like me and that is life but there is something inside of me that needs to be liked. Where does this come from? I am not sure and will continue to search for answers to this question. For the time being I will continue to be aware of this character defect and won't do anything detrimental to act on this character defect like say or do the wrong thing in order to be liked. In the past I would do or say anything to be liked and I still have some of this inside me but the difference now is that I am aware of this character defect. Being aware of a character defect is the first step for me in getting rid of this character defect but I still have a long way to go.

As the conversation went on I felt a little more comfortable with myself and the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist had asked me if I get any urges to gamble and I responded no. I went on to tell him how I have immersed myself in Gamblers Anonymous and I am truly working the Program so I don't get any urges. He told me this was a very good thing and I was doing very well in my recovery. I thought a little more about why I didn't have any urges and I thought of the other times I had stopped gambling.

In the other times I had stopped gambling there was no recovery just abstinence. Now I have recovery and intend on having recovery in my life for the rest of my life. This may seem like a daunting task for some people but I need to have recovery or I am destined to make those same mistakes again. Only the next time (with the help of GA and my Higher Power there won't be a next time) will truly be the last time because it will lead to a very lonely death. We have a fabulous member in GA who always states they are a grateful compulsive gambler and I would have to second this because I am a blessed and grateful compulsive gambler.

S.H.O.W.

I have been fully immersed in the Gamblers Anonymous Program for the past year and for this I am forever grateful because my life has changed for the better. I was thinking the other day if my life would have been any different if I entered the GA Program when I was 18 years old or if I entered the Program when I was 28 years old. Both of these times gambling had caused some tremendous difficulties in my life and my life was completely unmanageable. I will never know the answer to this question which is quite alright with me.

I thought I could "handle" my gambling problem by myself. This was a very grave mistake but I wasn't honest with myself. I wasn't willing to do what it takes to get help and I wasn't open-minded to the recovery process. Finally, I wasn't ready to surrender to my addiction at these points in my life. Thank God I have finally realized the key to success in recovery which are applying all of these items to my daily affairs.

When I was 18 years old and got into trouble that first time I was very scared. I received a telephone call from a Gamblers Anonymous member who scared the crap out of me. He scared me so much that I stopped gambling for the next four years but I never attended a GA meeting. I stopped gambling for the next four years but during my last year of college at the University of Maryland some of my roommates had never been to Atlantic City. They convinced to take the three hour drive on a Wednesday afternoon for a day trip. I didn't see the harm in taking the trip because I thought I was over the compulsive gambling thing.

The worst possible thing happened to me on this trip; I won!! I won $2,000 which to a college student was like winning a million bucks. The trip was actually somewhat of disaster because my car broke down twice. Once on the freeway to Atlantic City and we had to stay the night in town about 40 miles outside of Atlantic City. But we all decided that we had come this far and were going to see Atlantic City. Like I said; I won on the trip and when we were ready to leave I was up about $1,000. We went outside to get my car from the valet and I saw it sitting in the street; my car had not moved since we arrived there in the morning; the alternator was dead. I contacted a local gas station and had the car towed but we had to stay another night but this time we were in Atlantic City.

I bought dinner for my roommates after all I did win and was playing the bigshot. Instead of just going back to the room and going to sleep I decided to start gambling again. I continued to win and I was up about $3,000 and thank God my roommate saw me starting to lose and convinced me to call it a night before I would have blown it all. I did lose $1,000 of the $3,000 but I was still ahead for the trip. We woke up the next morning had breakfast and my roommate made sure I didn't gamble; then we took a taxi to the gas station and picked up my car.

After expenses I was still way ahead but something happened to me on this trip; that old feeling re-surfaced. People have told me in the past that once you are a compulsive gambling you are always a compulsive gambling. The GA Combo book says it perfectly; "the old obsession inevitably returns". That old obsession had returned because I had no defenses against it. Also; at this time I was working at a racetrack and until I went to Atlantic City I didn't place any wagers at the racetrack but when I came back with some cash I started betting at the racetrack. I lost $500 of the $2,000 in a matter of a few days. I stopped and bought some clothes but I was hooked once again.

I needed to retell this story because as my Dad said when I had my very first episode with gambling; "don't ever forget the awful you had when it all came crashing down." I had forgotten not once but twice because I didn't know how to face this addiction. The only way for me to face this addiction is with the acronym S.H.O.W.--Surrender, Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness.

The GA Program speaks in depth about all of these concepts and has an acronym of H.O.W. I need to add the S because without surrendering to this disease nothing else will work for me. I have to fully Surrender to a Higher Power so I can act honestly with open-mindedness and willingness to do what it takes to arrest this illness.

I have seen many people come into the Program and go back out and gamble. Some people come back a few times and some people don't come back. The people who do come back are the fortunate ones because there are some powerful tools in the Program to give people their lives back. I don't know what happens to those that don't come back to the Program but I know without the Program in my life it was a mess and with the Program in my life it gets better each and every day.

Also; I was wondering why some people are very successful in the Program while others struggle? When I started my recovery I wanted to surround myself with people who have been successful with their recovery and thank God I have found them. Just like anything in life; if I put a half ass effort in I will get a half ass effort out. Which is why I am giving a 100% effort in working my recovery everyday because those people who still surround me do this on a daily basis and it really works. Also; just like in life there are some people who are very successful in their endeavors and there are some people who are not. I want to be one of the successful people in life and recovery. I have found some great people who are both of these and I thank my Higher Power for letting me be a part of their lives.