"Flat Stanley"

I forgot to mention one of the funnier moments over the weekend when my mother and sister visited. My mother saw me and put her hand on my stomach in a downward motion and said to one of our friends, “Who was that character we used as a teaching aide for geography?” Our friend replied “Flat Stanley.” “Yes!” My mother said, and she went on to say that I resembled Flat Stanley since I am so flat (skinny!). Along this same line, I received a very nice note from my mother yesterday. In the note she noticed me walking back to the camp with two other inmates and I looked so “little” compared to those inmates, but she went on to write that my face and body look so healthy. Yes, I am one of, if not the, skinniest persons here at camp, but I do feel great. This has a lot to do with my peace of mind and the fact that I exercise almost every day. It is great how I have found peace of mind in prison, and I am doing all the right things to have a wonderful life.

Things happen that have the potential to disrupt my peace of mind. One of these events transpired yesterday during the checkout. When checkout rolls around, my job is over for the day. I have showered and changed into a clean pair of “oranges.” Since I started the in-camp job, I have always worn my shower shoes to checkout. This has not been an issue up until yesterday. I am required to wear both my orange shirt and orange pants. Also, the shirt must be tucked into the pants. I do abide by this rule all of the time. No one has ever made a big deal regarding the shower shoes, and most of the guys at checkout are wearing their shower shoes or sandals as well. As it turns out, I was in the wrong place yesterday since I was the first person in line for checkout. I was dressed appropriately with my shirt tucked into my pants; however, for some reason, the shower shoes were unacceptable yesterday. I ascribe to the theory of the path of least resistance, which works great for me. I take nothing in this environment personally and let everything go. Sure, I was made an example of yesterday in front of everyone; however, this will not upset my peace of mind. The regulations may appear to be subjective, but I have come to accept this wholeheartedly. Now I know I cannot wear my shower shoes to checkout, and I won’t do this anymore. Life is filled with so many lessons, and I am grateful for every learning experience.

Since the temperature has been dropping, I dug into my locker and took out a sweatshirt. I don’t know what it is, but I am feeling colder than I have in a very long time. I have to reassure myself that I will make it through the winter months, but I am going to need layers!! Last night, I was hoping to speak my with mother, who was at my sister’s house as she made her way back to New Jersey. I’m sure they were out doing something fun. The remainder of the night I talked with my roommate.

The weather was very dreary this morning with low clouds and drizzle. The air temperature wasn’t too cold as I started my run. I certainly have much more time to myself since I took the in-camp position, and I can exercise later in the day, but I really enjoy starting my day off with exercise. I went to breakfast and cleaned the bathrooms. Sure, my day was more of the same as the previous day, but my peace of mind continues to build. I am grateful for every day, and my life is truly magnificent.

Is Parole Changing?

I was able to commandeer a local newspaper yesterday. There was an article regarding a pilot program which will start in mid-November. The program is designed to reduce the parole period for certain parolees to six months. The parolees must be nonviolent and be at a very low risk. The program will be initiated in Orange County, and if successful, this will roll out to all counties by mid 2008. The unfortunate part is I will not be paroling to Orange County, so I would be ineligible for this program. The article did not get into specifics regarding when it would be rolled out in all counties, only mentioning mid 2008. I parole in early 2008, and I wonder if this could be applied retroactively to me shortening my parole period to just six months. Of course, I have no way of knowing, nor will I know until next year. Six months of being on parole is much better than 13 months or three years, which is required. Apparently, much of the overcrowding is due to parolees who violate parole. According to the article, a little less than 50% of the entire prison population in California is comprised of parole offenders. This appears to be a step in the right direction, and I only hope it will apply to me next year. Only time will tell, but this is very encouraging news.Autumn is in the air, and if history is any predictor, we are not finished with summer yet; however, the change has been noticeable, and I have been told the winter does get cold. The fact that winter is fast approaching is certainly a positive. My release date is March 2nd, and I am getting closer. I made it through Jamestown in the wintertime, and I will make it through here.The morning began with my exercise routine. The bathrooms got cleaned last night as a few inmates were fulfilling their extra duty assignments. This made for easy work for me this morning as. It seems these days are starting to accelerate even faster now that I have gotten in a rhythm. I read for an hour, and the morning was over. Lunchtime was spent outside enjoying the beautiful weather followed by my Tuesday double workout session. These days have hit a certain rhythm, and even though not much differs from day to day, they do go by quickly, and I continue to gain more peace of mind with every passing day. It was wonderful to hear my mother tell me that I look like I am at peace. This is so true because I am at peace, and the combination of my recovery along with progressing through this journey gives me the peace I have been seeking for so long. My days are tranquil, peaceful, and serene. I will carry this with me as I parole to the free world. I am finding my true self, and no matter the outside situation, I will continue to stay centered which provides much of the peace I have found. Things in the outside world happen all the time, and as long as I stay centered, life will be peaceful, serene, and tranquil. I continue to change my thoughts, and subsequently, my life has changed for the better in every way possible.

High Maintenance, Who Me???

Being able to have visits has been an amazing part of my journey. Prior to arriving here in May, I had three visits while I was in Jamestown. Quite frankly, I thought I wouldn’t have any visits while in Jamestown because it was too far from my friends and family; however, thanks to incredibly friends who are all a part of the Gamblers Anonymous Program, I was able to have those visits. Now that I am in close proximity to where many of my friends live, especially those involved in GA, I have had at least one visit every weekend (barring those weekends I was out on fires) since I arrived here. I am truly blessed in every way imaginable, and then some. This past weekend, as I have chronicled, my mother and sister came to visit. My mother came from New Jersey and my sister from Colorado. By the way, a few inmates who were down at visiting over the weekend saw my sister and asked if she were my “twin” sister. Yes, we do look very much alike; however, I’m not sure how my sister feels about being a twin to me. I, on the other hand, am quite flattered. It was magnificent to see them along with our dear friends from Las Vegas.

Going forward, I potentially (I say potentially because the family visit has yet to be rectified) have a family visit with my wife (only) in November, which is less than two months away. The GA meeting/visit meets every two weeks, and I keep getting more friends requesting to visit me in the coming months. I am touched with all the love and support in my life from so many different people.When anyone comes to visit me, they always ask what should they bring. I hate being too forward with this request because their presence is more than enough for me. I never thought of myself as high maintenance when it comes to food, but lately, I am getting the feeling I am, indeed, high maintenance when it comes to food.

Today, another very good friend sent in a visiting form and would like to visit me in mid-October. In the letter, my friend wrote, “Please give me a list of things you would like to bring food-wise, be specific, so I don’t mess up!” Wow, I guess my mother was right all along, I am a pain in the ass (sorry!) when it comes to food.Last night after the incredible visit and incredible food I went back to my room to write. Prior to dinner, the fire alarm sounded and four crews departed the camp. There have been several fires in the vicinity, and even though the temperatures have cooled, the fires have increased due to the winds. Gratefully, I have “retired” from being a firefighter, and now my biggest concern is soap scum!

I found myself in the television room for the second night in a row. I was interested in watching the San Diego Chargers /New England Patriots game. It wasn’t much of a game as New England routed the Chargers. I returned to my room, and I did talk with my roommate before going to sleep. We agreed that this has been a fascinating journey in so many ways. Yes, it certainly has, and this weekend was exceptional all thanks to my mother, sister, and two very dear friends.Here it is another Monday, and the work week commences. The weather is very fall-like and perfect for running. After running and breakfast, it was off to clean the bathrooms. In the evening, I picked up the package from my mother. This is the quarterly package that must be ordered from an approved catalogue. My mother added more items to my package than I had ordered. As I put all the items away, I spoke with two of my friends from “The View” as they made fun of the package order. They took turns guessing the items before I opened the box.

Visit Second Round

Oh, yes, I was on a “high” from the wonderful visit with my mother, sister, and two very special friends! The rest of yesterday went by quickly. I even found myself inside the television room watching the college football game between USC and Nebraska. After the blowout of the game, I went back to my room. On the way back I spoke with an inmate who is a seasoned veteran in everyway. He certainly “gets it” and I enjoyed our conversation very much. I understood every word and I was very happy to have this conversation. I found my way back to my room where my roommate and another friend from “The View” were talking. I joined in and we continued with another interesting conversation. I was able to drift off to sleep with a smile on my face looking forward to the second round of the visit with my mother and sister.

They arrived right on time as the visiting area opened. In fact they were a tad bit early and were admonished for this. I watched them walk into the visiting area and subsequently my name was announced over the loud speaker. I happily walked down and was greeted with a warm hug by my sister. This was followed up by another warm hug by my mother. Today they came bringing lots of food and did fulfill my requests from yesterday. Yesterday my dear friends who stayed at the same hotel as my mother and sister bought many items to take to the fire camp so my mother and sister didn’t have to stop to buy these. Again, these are wonderful people in my life. (Side note – I do feel funny when people who come to visit me ask what they could bring and what I would want. I tried to avoid this yesterday but was unable to. The truth is I am honored when anyone comes to visit me and food is a complete afterthought. I would be happy with just the company and feel odd replying to the request of “What can we bring you?”) However, my mother and sister pinned me down yesterday REQUIRING a request from me. I hesitantly asked for eggplant parmagiana, foccacia bread with balsamic vinegar, apples with yogurt, and Arizona Tea – light half lemonade and half iced tea. They were able to bring everything and more with the exception of the drink. They went to a restaurant in Palm Springs just to pick up the eggplant (which was not on the menu – and the chef prepared it exclusively). I continue to be amazed with the generosity, kindness, and love which my mother and sister have bestowed upon me. I am so grateful for everything.

Today went even faster than yesterday and I enjoyed every moment. The food was delicious as they even brought corn on the cob which we cooked on the grill. The corn was very sweet and no one needed butter. I’m not sure where the day went because once again we talked, laughed, and ate the entire time. Our conversations covered a wide array of topics and I especially enjoyed the stories about my children. These past two days were incredible. I’m not sure if they will return in the next 5 ½ months and if they do not, I have enough great memories to carry me through. The strange part about it is I cannot remember the last time I had six uninterrupted hours with my mother and sister alone. I’m not sure if this has ever happened in the past. There is so much positive which has come out of my entire journey and yesterday and today exemplifies the blessings in my life. I am a very fortunate person with so much love and support from many people especially my dear mother and dear sister.

The visit had come to an end and I could view it as bittersweet. However, nothing about it is bitter. Yes, they did depart today back to Palm Springs and will be heading back to Colorado tomorrow. I may not see them for another six months, but I am focused on the sweet. I have always had an exceptional family in so many ways and appreciatively I have finally recognized this. I love them with all my heart and what started out as heartbreak 2 ½ years ago has turned into a heartfelt love. I feel this love to my inner core and I am blessed to be in their presence. My life is a fantastic journey and I am experiencing only positives. I have 5 ½ months before I am able to join the free world which will allow me to see all the loving people in my life – not just on the weekends. Recovery is wonderful and my life is wonderful. I had a fantastic weekend and thank my mother, sister, and two very dear friends for filling my heart with love! I love all of you so much!!

Awesome Visit and a Surprise!

PART ONE

I had no doubt today was going to be a great day but when my roommate was given his 4:00 am wake up call with “rise and shine”, I knew it was going to be that great a day! I woke up prior to the greeting and I had to chuckle when I heard those cheerful words. My poor roommate who has been so sleep deprived over the course of this week was not smiling and was in somewhat of a fog. I did get a big kick out of this greeting and thought it was an awesome way to start the day. I remained staying in bed another hour before getting up.

After my exercise routine, I took my time cleaning up. I took longer than usual shaving and showering. I did want to look good for my mother and sister. I didn’t expect them to arrive when visiting opened at 8:30 am because they arrived late last night into Palm Springs which is over an hour away. I milled about outside eagerly eyeing the visiting area for their arrival. I noticed four people approach and thought this couldn’t be them because it was just my mother and sister who were coming. I turned away and continued talking to a fellow inmate. About a minute later, my name was announced on the loudspeaker informing me I had a visit. I didn’t see my mom or sister walk up so I thought I had missed them when I heard my name called. My heart started racing as I made my way to the office to check-in for the visit. I walked down to the visiting area and as I approached, I spotted my dear mother waving to me. I waved back and then made my way into the visiting area where I saw my sister and two of my cherished friends standing with her. The two dear friends from Las Vegas who visited me last month came today as a surprise and to also visit with my mother and sister. All of them are staying in Palm Springs. I was pleasantly surprised to see our beloved friends. It was going to be even more of an extra special visit with these amazing friends.

I was greeted with warm embraces from everyone. It was incredibly wonderful to hug my mother and sister. My mother looked great and my sister looked fabulous. It is hard to believe I have not seen either of them in 14 months. This is the longest I have ever gone. I don’t know what it is but within minutes it was like old times chatting with my sister, mother, and friends and it was as if I had seen them only a few days ago. It reminded me so much of the good times we used to have when all of us were together!

The visit was magnificent – the only downside was time seemed to accelerate even faster. The first time I looked at my watch, it was noon and I wondered where those first 3 hours had gone. I had a glorious time talking, listening, and laughing. The day was spent with four people who have touched my life in so many ways. My mother did tell me that my eyes were at peace, finally. My goodness how much I missed my mother and sister. These two have been there for me ever since this journey started 2 ½ years ago. Their love and support have been unwavering and I am eternally grateful. I am so blessed with so much love.

The time we spent together went by so fast and I am very happy that my mother and sister will return tomorrow. Our dear friends will be returning to Las Vegas tomorrow morning so the visit will be spent with my mother and sister. I cannot believe how fast today went, but I am grateful to have been able to visit with all four of them today. We were given the 10 minute warning and they started their departure. Once again warm hugs were given and my dear friends told me they will come back to visit again. I thanked them so much for coming and waved as they walked to the car. Just like that, the visit was over but I get to do it again tomorrow.

As fate would have it, my old crew was called out on a fire later this afternoon. Had I been on the crew, I would have been hard pressed to stay here for the visit tomorrow because technically, I am allowed one visit as a hardship when the visitor arrives from over 250 miles away. Thankfully, I no longer have to concern myself with this anymore and I will be here tomorrow for their return visit which I am so looking forward to.

PART TWO

After the visit, I was basking in the glow and telephoned my wife. Since I didn’t talk with my children on Thursday, I called back today. It was great to speak with them especially after seeing the pictures of the Jamaican vacation. Strangely both of my children didn’t sound like themselves and did sound a little down. As it turned out, they were just hungry as they hadn’t eaten dinner. We briefly spoke about the funeral this week and my daughter was the most forthcoming as she said, “Did Mommy tell you about great grandma?” My son on the other hand had an interesting response when I asked him about the funeral as he said, “It was good.” Oh, the perspective of a 6 year old who’s biggest care is playing baseball. I had to laugh when I heard his response because even though he shares the same genes as his sister, the two of them have very different personalities. However, both of them are excellent children and will grow up to be magnificent adults. Today was a highlight day in my prison career and I am blessed in everyway, shape, and form!

Peaking Ahead

There weren’t any “couch sessions” last night, but I did get outside and talk, actually I should say “listen”. I have made a conscious effort to listen more and talk when I feel it is appropriate. Also, I do my best to listen with no judgments and no criticisms. This is a great exercise for me and I am truly doing my best. I am enjoying the evenings very much and continue enhancing my peace of mind. I did manage to fall asleep at my usual time but was awakened very early when my roommate received his wake up call. I fell back to sleep and got up to do my normal exercise routine. As I ran, I thought ahead to tomorrow. I know I am supposed to live one day at a time and tomorrow never comes. However, I had to peek ahead to the visit from my mother and sister. They are flying in tonight and I will see them tomorrow morning. I am very eager for their visit and I know it will be a wonderful time.

The rest of the day was the same as it has been all week but Friday does mark an end to the work week. I did receive good news because my friend from “The View” will be taking the position of helping clean the bathroom when the other friend from “The View” paroles at the end of this month. It is amazing how everything does work out as intended.

Oh, Reality!

Over the past three nights, I have had the pleasure to talk with three of my friends on a one to one basis. (Yes, the “The View Friends” and also known as “The Nerd Herd”) Last night I met with the final member and just like the previous two evenings, the conversation was wonderful. I am convinced everyone who is in prison has a fascinating story and last night was no exception. We talked all evening long and only had to stop because of an emergency bed count. That story is very interesting and I may get to it at a later point. I was enthralled with the conversation and yes; I mostly sat and listened intently. As the conversation progressed, I wondered to myself how much heredity/genes adds to our addictions or is it the true power of intention? I don’t have the answer to that question, but I do believe the focus needs to be on changing thoughts which will change life. Maybe all through the generations certain intentions are passed on unconsciously which leads to the next generation making the same mistakes in judgment. This is a very big part, but breaking out of those destructive thought processes is indeed very possible.

These one on one sessions have been called “couch time” in reference to being on the couch of a psychiatrist. No, I didn’t play the role of the shrink, I just sat and listened. Rarely do I give opinions, but I do add encouragement to everyone I speak to. The friend I was speaking with last night paroles at the end of this month and then the reality of real life kicks in. Prison is not real life reality – it is temporary reality which has a completion date. The outside world is reality and it too has a completion date (or does it?) when our bodies give out. As I progress through “Change Your Thoughts…” I now question the beginning and end of life because all things are everlasting. Our physical being ceases to exist, but our spirits live in infinity. Nonetheless, my prison existence is part of my life which is why I am making the very best of this temporary existence which is preparing me for the free world.

Of the four members of “The View”, three of us have very strong addictions. I believe this is true of many of my fellow inmates as well. The three of us have been sober/gamble free for at least over 2 years and have made a commitment to change our lives. I heard a term last night that I have never heard before – “sobering moment.” My sobering moment came when I entered the conference room of my previous employer and faced my old boss with the destruction I caused. This is the first time in my life, I said, “I am a compulsive gambler and my life is completely out of control.” Unbeknownst to me this was Step 1 in the GA Recovery Program and gratefully I have not looked back. All of us with addictions do have sobering moments but some choose to turn their backs on these moments. The addict has to make positive changes and stay on this road to recovery one day at a time.

During lunchtime today, I telephone my wife and for some reason I have picked Thursday for our weekly telephone call. As soon as my wife answered, I could tell something was going on. As it turns out, she had just returned from her 92 year old grandmother’s funeral. They can be very sobering and my children attended their first wake. My ever sensitive 9 year old daughter did cry and my light heated 6 year old son made everyone laugh when asked if she (my wife’s grandmother) had been cut in half because only her top half was shown as she lay in the casket. This is another part of reality I have missed, but I cannot get down on myself. I would love to be in New Jersey with my wife and children attending the wake and the funeral and comforting them. Fortunately, my wife did get to see her before she passed on. Had life been “normal” my wife wouldn’t have that opportunity.

What really is reality? I’m not sure and I don’t want to oversimplify things but reading these spiritual books had a profound effect on me. In the past, I have put up a resistance through a series of questions. Now I am doing my best to let it flow and get myself out of the way. The human brain is an incredible creation but I know for myself it has gotten me into trouble on several occasions however, all of this is what has been intended for me as it has all come together. Yes, I am missing vital pieces of my family’s life; however, this is only temporary. I do know had I not committed to my “sobering moment” I would have missed an entire piece of my family’s life. I am eternally gratefully for everything in my life. My thoughts and prayers do go out to my wife and the family of her grandmother. The saying “May she rest in peace” seems appropriate; however, I do believe her spiritual energy resonates with all of us.

Ah, The Sameness

The dinner last night was yet another fire meal. The main entrees were two (not one but two!) triple-decker (yes, three pieces of meat!) hamburgers. My new roommate did not have time to prepare me a soy burger, so I happily ate the lettuce and onions along with the peas. Getting back to those main entrees - three slices of hamburger on one bun served with the identical three slices of hamburger. Effectively, this came out to 1-1/4 pound of meat. Fortunately, I did not notice anyone finishing both hamburgers. Most guys took the extra hamburger with them for either later last night or lunch today. I did see someone eat 1-1/2 of the hamburgers, which is still a great deal of meat. The night before, the kitchen served these same hamburgers but only single servings, and my new roommate received many complaints at the smallness of the hamburgers. It seems my new roommate is at the forefront of these complaints because he orders the food. Quite frankly, the food here is the best I have seen in my 14 months, and most other inmates would agree; however, there seems to be an expectation level of lots and lots of food, and when this expectation is perceived less, the complaints start rolling in. Well, no one complained last night about the 1-1/4 pounds of meat. On the nutrition side, these fire meals do contain a great deal of protein and calories; however, the saturated fat levels are off the chart. My new roommate did make subtle changes for more nutrition-friendly foods, but this didn’t go over too well, so it is back to meat, fries, and more meat. Change inside this system is not embraced with open arms, so the status quo seems to work best. I applaud my new roommate for trying to make these changes, and I am forever grateful to him for my “special” meals.

Dinner had concluded, and as is the case most every night, I went outside to enjoy the peaceful evening. Since my roommate was busy with the kitchen, I sat with another friend who is also part of “The View.” Much like the previous night where I talked with my roommate, I talked all night with this friend and was enlightened. Over the history of my 42 years, I have been more of a listener than a talker. I have stayed true to form as of late, and reading “Change Your Thoughts – Change Your Life, I am even keener on listening. As we talked last night, I had an “ah ha” moment. I realized I do enjoy talking and listening to people on an individual basis. I guess I have known this all along but never really focused on it. The best part of all my previous jobs was talking and listening to people. I remember early on in my career going into a co-worker’s office while doing a project. I had asked this person a few questions, and the next thing I knew the afternoon had gone by. What should have taken only 15 minutes took 3 hours, and I did most of the listening.

I have always been a good listener (with the exception of mother. Strangely, I seemed to tune her out over the years, but I won’t be doing any of that this coming weekend as she and my sister will be visiting), and this is a good quality. I seem to ask the right questions, and people seem to like to talk with me. Whatever the reason, I do enjoy it, and being an accountant/auditor, I have had the pleasure of speaking with some very good people over the years. I would much rather go without the number crunching and speak with people. As I move forward into my next career, I need to focus on the interpersonal connection rather than the get-behind-the-computer-and-crunch-numbers syndrome. There is a whole new world out there for me, and I look forward to it. I have an idea of what I want to do as a job when I am released, and it has something to do with talking and listening. I won’t give away anything right now, but I have visualized this position intently. I can do this anywhere in the world so being relegated to California will not be a hindrance. My life is bright and beautiful, and I have come a long way in the past 2-1/2 years. I will maintain this road, and everything will be as it is intended.

I was able to stay awake until 10:00 p.m. for the first time in a while. My poor roommate collapsed a few hours earlier as he worked 18 straight hours. He is one of the hardest workers in camp yet he never complains and is always positive. He has very good/high energy levels. Anyhow, my sleeping pattern repeated the night before with me waking up every hour or so. This could have had something to do with the bowl of oatmeal I ate last night. By the way, I have so much oatmeal in my locker that I can eat this everyday until my parole date and still have some left over! Whatever the case, I was up and down all night. My roommate was allowed to sleep in as his wake-up call came at 4:30 a.m. instead of 1:00 a.m. as the previous night. I lingered in my bed with my usual wake-up time and then started my day. Yes, I have settled into a nice routine, and the sameness, or ah the sameness, has commenced. The crews departed early for the fire line, and I started my early morning run. It is very dark when I start and remains dark for an hour. I was allowed to run this morning and was very grateful. I do have a hard time starting, but once I get going, I really don’t want to stop but I must. Also, as of late, I have been doing more flat running, but today, I interspersed the hill, and this does add a more difficult dimension as my heart rate instantly goes up, and I start to sweat more. Over the next 6 months, my concentration is on adding more mileage to my run as I intend to be prepared for a marathon (26.2 miles) upon my release in March. I am sure I can a marathon right now, but in six months, I will be even more ready. I have run five marathons in the past, and my first marathon was the most difficult. I remember running the Las Vegas Marathon back in December 2005, and that run was exactly as I planned. I did not realize it then, but I was applying techniques from “The Power of Intention.” I ran one more marathon (Los Angeles) after the Las Vegas Marathon, but my mind was not as in-tune as previously. Subsequently, my performance suffered. Running 26.2 miles is quite a physical effort, but it really is more mental than anything. This is just like life as it is constantly a mental exercise, and the key for me is to get out of the way and let life flow. There is a paradox here because I cannot just do nothing and let life flow because that won’t work. If I didn’t train physically for a marathon, I wouldn’t be able to finish no matter how focused my mind. There is a balance which I am striving for, and I will employ all these traits as I enter the free world. I am working on these constantly and know I am moving in the proper direction. Gratefully, due to my new position, I have more time to get in tune with myself, and my growth has been helped.

The run was over, and it was on to another fire breakfast with all that food. Today, I was able to eat blueberry pancakes, oatmeal, and soy sausage. Yes, my roommate cooked up the soy sausage just for me, and it was delicious. It was a brand I never had before, nor did I realize Jimmy Dean made soy sausages. The filling breakfast was over, and the workday had commenced. The bathrooms were cleaned much slower than yesterday but were still completed very early. We had to finish so that the fire crews who were covering the camp could take their showers. Apparently, I have now become very protective of the bathrooms because I was appalled at the condition of the bathrooms after the crews had finished. (I may be taking my job too seriously.) We cleaned them prior, and after they showered, the bathrooms were filthy. Nobody was that filthy, the toilets were malfunctioning. Fortunately, there is a great plumber (yes, a fellow inmate) on site, and the problem was rectified. I guess I have taken ownership of the bathrooms for the next six months, which isn’t bad, or is it??

Six Years Already

Oh my, did I have the evening to myself! About an hour prior to dinner, the fire alarm call went off, and the four remaining crews went out on the fire. This left only those (such as myself) who are not assigned to a crew in the camp. This amounts to only a handful of people, so the camp was exceedingly quiet. Dinner was designed as a “drive thru” for the advent of Monday night football. This meant we were given our food (hamburgers and hot dogs) to go, and we could eat it outside. Since there were only a handful of us, the process went quickly. Once again, my new roommate came through because he made me a Boca (soy) burger and a Boca sausage. He also made these for himself as he abstains from eating red meat. These Boca products were part of the donation from the Girl Scouts, and of course, I thoroughly enjoyed them. I also thoroughly enjoyed talking with my new roommate as we finished our dinners. We remained outside talking since the camp was more quiet than usual. We had a great talk, and the evening was very peaceful.

My new roommate decided to turn in early since he most likely would have to wake up early when the crews returned to feed them. Lately, I have been going to sleep earlier and earlier. I figured by the time January rolls around, I should be in bed by 7:00 p.m.! It was a good thing my new roommate went to sleep early because he received a 1:00 a.m. wakeup call to assist with the breakfast service. Of course, I heard this wakeup call because I am a light sleeper. As he groggily got up, I so wanted to say, “I guess it’s time to make the donuts” (the line from the classic Dunkin Donuts commercial where the donut maker had to rise very early each day to make the donuts), but I remained silent and watched him go off to the kitchen. I managed to fall back asleep and got up at my usual time with the intention of running. I was allowed to run, and usually there are a few guys lifting weights at this time, but due to the fire call, no one other than me was outside. It was a strange feeling to have the camp to myself, but once I started running, it was just like any other run. I did have a very good run, and as I ran, I thought about the significance of today’s date, September 11.

Has it already been six years since that awful day in 2001? Yes, it has been six years already, and yes, I do remember exactly where I was that awful day. I was settling into my new job out here in Southern California, and we were also settling into a new house. I had only been at my new job for two months, and we had only been in our new house for 12 days. As all the events transpired on September 11, 2001, I was exercising (just like today) at a local gym. I watched as the second airplane slammed into the World Trade Center tower. I didn’t process the magnitude of the events as they were happening, but by the time the day was over, I had a very good idea about the magnitude of these events. Amazingly, six years later, I am still exercising, but I am not at a local gym. I am in a California state prison. Our house has been sold, I have lost my job, and my wife and children now reside in New Jersey; yet I am more at peace than I was six years ago, thank God. I hadn’t started my thievery at this point six years ago, but my mind was a mess as I was once again in the early steps of my compulsive gambling. Things progressed badly for me over those six years, but gratefully, due to recovery, I can see more clearly now than ever. It was the most tragic day in United States history six years ago today, and the country came together after those terrible events. The United States, much like myself, has a very selective memory. I had two previous events in my life due to compulsive gambling prior to the last event which could have prevented a great deal of problems, but I turned my back on those events. Six years later after that tragic day, the country is not as focused as we were after those events, which is sad. I remember flying the American flag in front of our house after the September 11 events and seeing many of my neighbors doing the same; however, as time progressed, fewer and fewer flags were flown, and by the time we moved out, our flag was the only flag on the entire block. The key for me is to not dwell on the past, but I must never ever forget the terrible events in my life. I believe the same holds true for our great country; never forget and always remember those true heroes who lost their lives six years ago today.

My life is so much different than it was six years ago today, and this is positive in every way. I have had my freedom taken away over the past 14 months, but each day I get better and better. I have less than six months remaining until my freedom is restored, and I know I am moving in the proper direction. I love this country so much and pray to God another September 11 tragedy does not occur. There isn’t much I can do to prevent such a tragedy, but there is much I can do to keep myself on the right path. I am doing the right things, and the right things are happening. It is my intention to keep doing these things one day at a time. I do love my life, family, and friends very much and look forward to the next September 11 as a member of the free world.

I completed my run, and with so few people in camp, I had to shower and dress quickly to get to breakfast. We were given a fire breakfast because all of the crews still had not returned. I thought I had eaten my last fire breakfast, but if all the crews are out and another camp sends crews to cover this camp, everyone is given a fire breakfast. Yes, these fire breakfasts are packed with calories. How anyone can eat all the food is beyond me. There were fried eggs, bacon, sausage, hash browns, Corn Flakes, oatmeal, milk, orange juice, fruit cocktail, and biscuits. I ate the oatmeal and also had a bowl of Corn Flakes along with the orange juice. Once again, my roommate had me in mind because he made me a Boca sausage. Of course, I was very grateful, but I had to take the Boca sausage back with me because I had no room in my stomach.

The very filling breakfast was over, and the crews were coming back shortly. Normally, I clean the bathrooms when all the crews are out. With them being out all night, it meant they would be in camp all day. It is difficult, not to mention a disservice to the crews, to clean the bathrooms when everyone is in the camp. Thus, I made an executive decision (sounds serious but not so much!) to clean the bathrooms before the crews came back. I teamed up with my able assistant, and we finished just as the crews came back. It was a quick service, but the bathrooms were, in fact, cleanse just like they are every day. Normally, we finish by 11:00 a.m., but today we were finished at 9:35 a.m., so I had more of the day to myself. I spent most of the morning putzing around listening to the radio and sitting outside. My roommate came back to the room. Now mind you, he had been up since 1:00 a.m. and still going strong. He saw me lying on my bed listening to the radio and sarcastically asked if I had to go to work, and I responded, “Already done.” He gave me a big laugh and shrugged his shoulders as if to say, “What am I doing wrong?” Anyhow, he quickly departed as had more things to do for the kitchen. There are times when I am jealous of my new roommate because he has the job I would want here since it is somewhat like what I used to do; however, due to the nature of my crimes, I am ineligible for that position since it interfaces with a computer. It has taken me awhile to accept this, but I have, and I am enjoying my time as the bathroom porter.

One last thought regarding the anniversary of those tragic events of September 11, 2001. I remember going to New Jersey three months after the attacks and seeing all the flags and stickers on everyone’s cars in remembrance. Those events are forever etched into my memory bank, and I will do my part to always remember. This goes hand and hand with my recovery. I can write about things to my heart’s desire, but if I am not practicing what I write, then the recovery will fail. This is why I am grateful for the GA program and thus my recovery because I practice these principles each and every day. May God bless everyone not only in the United States but on the entire planet.

Rhythm Of The Days

Lately, it seems I am doing more laughing than I have before. A great deal has to do with the fact that I am now in camp and have found a rhythm of the days. In addition, I have a new roommate who is very funny. His humor is mostly pointed at me and my peculiar habits. I must admit I have to laugh because I am a strange person, indeed. My new roommate was saying the other night that my wife must miss me but is probably relishing the fact that she doesn’t have to put up with my strange eating habits. He had me rolling as he went on to say, “Your wife is probably cooking all kinds of meat in the pans you told her never to cook meat in, and she is probably taking your children to McDonald’s every chance she gets.” I never realized it before, but I am high maintenance. I always thought my limited food intake was easy, but as it turns out, it is not. Anyhow, if I can’t laugh at myself, then what can I laugh at.

There seems to be so much emphasis on our pasts and how they affect the present and future. I have listened to many people discuss their childhood and relationships with their parents as reasons for the problems in their lives. I can only speak for myself and say it was me who caused the problems in my life not the relationship I had with my parents or my childhood. The question of why gets thrown around so much, and to me, this is overused and overstated. An entire industry has risen from the question of why in counselors, psychotherapists, psychologists, self-help people, etc. Knowing why does help with the awareness of the problem, but sometimes blame is misplaced very easily. For me, it all goes to personal responsibility and doing something to prevent the problem (in my case, compulsive gambling) from coming back. For all intents and purposes, I had a wonderful childhood. Sure my parents divorced when I was a teenager, but this is not uncommon, and for me to lay blame on this as a cause for my compulsive gambling would be incorrect. I started gambling at an early age (12 years old) and thoroughly enjoyed the feeling. It quickly manifested into a problem, yet I let it lie dormant. Fast forward 20-plus years, and here I sit in prison due to the compulsive gambling. I understand that I can never gamble again or my life is over; however, in the past 2-1/2 years I continue to discover only positive traits which have put me on the proper road to recovery.

Anger, resentment, and jealousy have never been characteristics of mine but a feeling of superiority has been. This feeling of superiority was part and parcel my compulsive gambling problem. I thought I could outsmart the bookies, and subsequently, my former employer along with all those wonderful people in my life. I was only fooling myself, and now I know I am just like everyone else, which is fabulous. Thankfully, I no longer beat myself up for my past mistakes because this is counterproductive to my recovery. The key is to live one day at a time and become a better person through honesty. Honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness are the keys in the GA program. All three of these are in my life each and every day. Now, along with “The Power of Intention”, “The Secret”, and “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life” I have a clear mind. Over 2-1/2 years ago, my mind was polluted, and gratefully through recovery, I have detoxified my mind which is now at peace. I am very grateful for this time to get my head clear and know everything is working out exactly as intended.

Last night, I sat with my friends and talked. The talk did center around one person and their particular hot buttons. Mostly, I listened and practiced what I had read in “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life.” The title of the subsection was “Be an Infinite Observer.” The recommendations for the daily lesson was as follows: Pick a situation today (any situation will work) and instead of verbally responding, be silent and listen to your thoughts. For example, in a social gathering (such as last night) or business meeting, choose the emptiness found in silence in order to be aware of your infinite self. If you find your worldly ego interpreting or judging then just observe that without criticizing or changing it. You’ll begin to find more and more situations where it feels peaceful and joyful to be without response and just to be in the infinity that’s hidden but always present. I did sit there and listened without criticizing or judging and said little. The difficult part is to refrain from judging. I don’t know where it stems from, but judgments seem to arise at most times within me, and this is something I am working on daily. I am no being guided by the Source, which I cannot define or explain, but I do know it exists within everything. The book “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life” is all about the Source. I am a mere vessel for the Source and trust in it implicitly. Even though I remained silent most of the evening during the discussion, I did take it all in and kept my opinion to myself. I believe sharing my opinion does have merit as long as I am not judging and not criticizing. My opinion was what I wrote earlier regarding the question of why and how blame is misplaced and bantered about conveniently. I am far from an expert on these things, but for me, it is working very well. I am without a crystal ball, and the future remains a mystery to me, but I do know as long as I continue working my recovery program, the future is going to be wonderful exactly as the present.

Strangely, last night I had a difficult time sleeping. My erratic sleeping patterns usually provide me with six to seven hours of sleep, but last night, I could only sleep in 1-hour increments. During these increments, I had difficulty getting back to sleep, and when I did, I immediately went into a dreamlike state. This dreamlike state only lasted a few minutes, and the dreams appeared as vignettes. I don’t remember these dreams, but my mind seemed to be working overtime. I may have been stimulated by the GA meeting/visit and the visit with my friend’s family. I do believe it had something to do with the new member because I was invigorated by the new member’s present. Listening and sharing with the new member was wonderful, and hopefully, this new member is aware that they helped me tremendously. I did manage some sleep and got up at my usual time. Since it is a Monday, this means a running day; however, I was rebuffed because it was too dark when I wanted to run, just like last Monday. I quickly changed my exercise program to an abdomen session along with burpees. I have learned to be more flexibly with my exercise program because some days (like today) I am denied running around the track. This is fine, and the ab/burpee session was great. Also, I had the entire afternoon to do more exercising, which I did.

The morning was in rhythm as everything went well. Breakfast was uneventful, but I must say my friends and I are always the last ones out of the dining hall for both breakfast and dinner. We do arrive near the rear of the line and have a tendency to chat while eating. The joke with the other inmates was that some of them labeled us “The View” as we always seem to be talking with one another. Our breakfast broadcast was over, and it was time to start my week cleaning the bathrooms. Yes, everything went well, and it appears I am going to have some help at night because a few inmates have picked up some extra duty! Extra duty is when an inmate is caught doing something they should not be doing such as smoking. Typically, an inmate must log 40 hours to complete the extra duty. Last night, I noticed an inmate sweeping out the bathrooms because this is where some choose to smoke. I welcome the assistance, and it makes my job a bit easier.

The morning went by very quickly, and before I realized it, it was lunchtime. My lunchtime consists of sitting on the back porch of the dorm eating my peanut butter sandwich. I sit with another member from “The View” who, incidentally, assists with the cleaning of the bathrooms. We talk and take in the peaceful surroundings. I much prefer these lunches over the lunches I spent on the grade, which were sitting in the dirt somewhere eating the peanut butter sandwich. After lunch, I checked in and went to round 2 of my workout. I did 90 minutes on the Harvard Wall, and this allowed me to soak up the sun as well. It was a great session and essentially completed my day. These days do go by quickly, and now I have the evening to myself.

New Member - Wow!

The best part about today was the GA Meeting/visit would reconvene after a one month hiatus due to the fires I was at. I was anxiously awaiting the arrival of my dear friends filter into the visiting area. I waited at least 30 minutes to be called after I saw them enter. In fact, my friend waved me into the office so I could go down to the visiting area. This is yet another example of those events I have no control over. Thankfully, my dear friends are very patient. There were 5 people here to attend the meeting. Three of those people have been here many times, one is a long standing member who I have not seen since my sentencing and the remaining person was someone I did not know at all. I was greeted with hugs and kisses and was introduced to the new person who has been in GA for close to 60 days. This was incredible that a new member would take time out of their weekend to come to the prison for the meeting. Even though I didn’t know this person, I knew he was already doing service in the Program by attending this meeting. I always looked forward to new members joining the Program because to me this meant one less lost soul. Sometimes the pain is immeasurable especially early on.

The meeting commenced and there were old members, new members, and intermediate members but the common bond was the Program. I am eternally grateful to GA and the fellowship because my life continues to be saved. Hopefully, the new member felt the same love I felt emanating from the other members. The Program does work if it is worked each and everyday. I have only been associated with GA for 2 ½ years and I have seen a fair share of new members fall away from the Program. I do have high hopes for this new member because by arriving today, sends a very powerful message not only to me but to the dedication required for a successful recovery. The stories are tragic as new members enter the Program but that tragedy turns into triumph as the Program is worked. I love GA and it is a vital part of my life each and everyday. I owe so much to the Program and the incredible in it. Today was a wonderful meeting as they all are and my day was made much better.

As the meeting concluded, and my dear friends departed, there were hugs and kisses. I wished the new member well and hopefully, I will see them at another meeting. I waved to them as they drove off then I had the opportunity to meet with a friend (member of the table) and their family. This was a magnificent gathering as my friend was surrounded by so much love. I felt as if I was standing in their backyard having a barbecue. They were grilling up a feast, which included “paella” grilled vegetables, and grilled shish kabobs along with an assorted variety of cheeses, crackers. They had an amazing salad which contained spinach leaves, watermelon, raisins, dressed with a fresh squeezed orange juice. They had asked me to stay for lunch and happily agreed. I even had a piece of homemade cream cheese cake. Normally I would pass on this but this is not a normal situation and the pound cake was delicious as it was flown in from across the country. This was a wonderful gathering and I had a double helping – with the earlier GA visit – of fantastic people. I had stayed long enough because I did not want to take away from my friend’s visit so I thanked them profusely and headed back to my room.

Today was yet another great day and these visiting days do add a special dimension to my week. I am so grateful for everything and I am reminded of something I recently read in “Change Your Thoughts…”

Wisdom is knowing I am nothing
Love is knowing I am everything
And between the two, my life moves.

And, while you are living stay as close to love as you can!

Love is everywhere in my life and I am eternally grateful. Love has always been in my life ever since I was born. Love has always been everywhere even before I was born, Over the years , I neglected this love and just took it all for granted. Now thanks to recovery and a new way of living, I embrace love all the time. This is the best way for me to live because my life / existence is what it is intended. Sure it took me awhile to notice all the love in my life and I put myself in a horrible predicament; however, this is exactly the way it must be and I am so grateful for the opportunity to embrace all the love in my life. Thank you everyone for all your positive thoughts and supports. Also, and most importantly thank you for the love!

"Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life"

As I continue to read “Change Your thoughts…” by Dr Wayne Dyer, I learn so much. In addition to learning very much I get to use his sage advice in practice. Last night after a very good BAKED fish dinner, I picked up my mail. I received two pieces; one from my mother and the other from my dear sponsor. God has truly blessed me with inspirational people in my life and these two are at the top of the list. My dear sponsor writes me without fail each week and I so look forward to the letters. My mom is always sending me something of interest and last night she sent several fascinating articles on subjects ranging from fire evacuation plans to stories of other fellow compulsive gamblers. I am grateful to both of them as I am everyone in my life.

After picking up the letters, I needed to inquire about the potential family visit. My wife has narrowed down her selection of dates to either November 2nd or November 9th. I needed to find out if those dates are available. What I thought would be a simple request turned into an exercise from “Change Your Thoughts…” Before I go any further, please permit to offer a little background. As I have chronicled in the past, my setting up the first family visit with my entire family was lengthy involved process. However, as I moved through that first process everything worked out extremely well and the family visit was fantastic. I was not expecting to have another family visit the rest of my term; however, thanks in part to a very dear friend who donated a free airline ticket to my wife, we could have a family visit with just the two of us.

At the completion of my initial family visit, I had to submit to a urine analysis as everyone who partakes in a family visit must do. However, I just couldn’t go so I was informed to come back in an hour after drinking some fluids. When I returned I was informed that they weren’t ready for me and I would be called later on to submit to the test. Another hour passed and when I returned I was told emphatically that they will call me. Based on this directive, I didn’t return and was never called. At the time I didn’t think anything of it and went about my business. Fast forward to last night, as I inquired about the dates for my potential visit I was informed that it was solely my responsibility to complete the urine analysis and thus I may not be eligible for another family visit. Furthermore, I should have been written up for not completing the test, and I need to follow the rules just like everyone else. Finally, I was told that I shouldn’t think I was better than anyone else. As this whole dialogue was taking place, I summoned what I have learned in the two books and merely stated a few words and was very respectful. I felt the words in my core but did not act on being confrontational. Now the matter will be take up to see if I can receive another family visit or not.

I have always been a calm passive person, but I was very prone to being passive aggressive. Also, I would always second-guess myself. I did my best to avoid this and I have no second-guessing on my part of the dialogue last night. I trust in the Source and know everything will work out the way it is intended just like it did for the first family visit. The interchange last night was a great testing ground for what I have learned about myself over the past 2 ½ years. I was a bit shaken, but I talked with my friends and everyone agreed that I handled my self properly and the situation will be rectified for the very best. Talking about it made me feel so much better and I went for being a bit uptight to laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes. Life is truly a magical process and letting go is the best way for me. In the past, I would replay the interchange over and over again in my mind but now other than retelling this story here, it is over. What is meant to be will be and my belief system is well intact.

After my friends made me laugh, it was time to go back to my room where I laughed again as my new roommate had some very funny things to say. Laughter is indeed the best medicine and I am so glad I can laugh. These are heartfelt soul reaching laughs which cleanse my body and of course it felt wonderful. I spent the remainder of the evening re-reading the letters I received earlier.

I will conclude this passage with an off the wall comment about apples. Over the course of the last 14 months, I have eaten only red delicious and granny smith apples. This ended today as a friend who works in the kitchen ordered fuji apples. I bit into it and was reminded how much flavor an apple could have. It will be hard to return to the red delicious apples. This was a real treat, but due to the expense it is a once in awhile treat. I greatly appreciated the treat and enjoyed every bite of the fuji apple.

Solid Work Week

I only had small remnants of my cold when I woke up this morning and I was feeling so much better. I woke up at my usual time and did my round of wake ups. Some days the guys I wake up actually get out of bed and workout. Other days they just say “OKAY” and roll back over to sleep. This morning, of the two people I woke up, one got up and the other rolled over – so 50% is not too bad!

The rest of the morning went like clockwork. After breakfast, I read the third verse of the “Tao” and slowly digested the meaning. This is so tied into THE POWER OF INTENTION that is remarkable. It is all about being one with the source and to let it flow. The key is acceptance not resistance. The theme could very well be pacifism but it is an active one as the concept is to always turn inward with oneself and feel the Source to the core. THE POWER OF INTENTION and the TAO are complimentary of one another and I am grateful for these lessons. This is a wonderful way to start my day because it automatically puts me in a good mood. My face always emanates a smile as I read the TAO as did THE POWER OF INTENTION. I am building a sold core and in the next 6 months, this core will grow stronger.

It has been a very good week and tranquility has rang true all week long. I get into a little rhythm while I am cleaning the bathroom and before I know it the morning is over. I had no idea cleaning could also be therapeutic because it is for me. I let it flow (literally and figuratively as I work with the high pressure hose which broke again today!) and I am happy as I complete the cleaning of the bathrooms.

Once a month a supply truck arrives at camp and all the in campers are obligated to unload the truck. There are about 20 in campers and this job could be completed officiously by 4 people; however, it is not about efficiency and that is okay by me. I joined my fellow in campers as we stumbled over one another unloading the truck. My roommate is responsible for the inventory of the products on the trucks and I saw how the inventory was going which wasn’t exactly part of the Generally Accepted Accounting Principles (GAAP).

I commented to him, “If I ran my business like this I would be out of business.”
He replied with a big laugh, “What business?”

It was a fascinating experience and I will be involved with it 5 more times. After the unloading, I had to fill out paperwork for the bathroom this week. Yes, I have paperwork to complete which details the chemicals I used during the week. (Yes, very exciting indeed!) Also I asked the Lieutenant if I could get a new hose and some new sponges as the ones I have now are breaking down. He told me to prepare a list. He is a good man and will most certainly follow through and hopefully the hose will last for the next 6 months. As a final part of my morning was to help fill up the pond as it is “fill up the pond Friday.” It loses water during the week due to evaporation. The pond and waterfall are the nicest features in the camp. It is so peaceful and the falling water has such a great effect on my mind. I am truly at peace with myself and know I am moving in the right direction.

Parole Plans

I saw an advertisement for “Change Your thoughts – Change Your Life – Living the Wisdom of the Two" about a month ago. This book is written by Dr Wayne Dyer who also wrote the Power of Intention. I thoroughly enjoyed that book. When I spoke with my mother on Sunday night, I mentioned this book and God Bless her, she immediately ordered it and I received it yesterday – 3 days later which is extremely fast. I couldn’t wait to start reading it and I started last night. Two thousand five hundred years ago. A God realized being, named Lao-tzu in ancient China dictated 81 verses, which are regarded by many as the ultimate commentary on the nature of our existence. This book is Dr Dyer’s commentary on those 81 verses. This book is broken down into 81 chapters – each one devoted to a verse. This might be read one chapter per day because the information is so vast. T read the first chapter last night and it took me an hour to digest the four pages. These verses are very meaningful and Dyer’s commentary extremely insightful and deep. Having only comprehended the first verse, I can see a parallel with the POWER OF INTENTION. I look forward to the next 80 days as I go through this excellent material.

I took two benadryls last night in hopes of clearing up my stuffy head. I fell asleep very quickly but woke up several times during the night. I did get up at 5:00 am to wake up a couple of crew members and I couldn’t shirk my responsibility. I have developed quite a few wake-ups on a permanent basis.

I slept in until 6:45 and the rest of the morning was breakfast and cleaning the bathrooms. I received a compliment from a former crew member on how much cleaner the bathrooms are. This was nice to hear but I’m not sure if they’re much cleaner than they were. He also complimented me on the fact that ever since I started cleaning the excessive fly problem has diminished. Again, I’m not sure how much I had to do with alleviated this problem; it was more of a timing issue. The flies seem to swarm when the weather is warm and it did get much cooler when I took over. At the very least, it was good to hear the compliment and I am doing my very best. The one fear I had was getting the proper equipment to clean. I have been getting the proper supplies, but today the hose broke for the fourth time. I’m not sure why but this being a fire camp, we have a difficult time finding a good high pressure hose. I can’t use a regular one because this would be too much pressure so I am using inferior hoses which springs leaks. Today this sprayed all over me which was very comical because I was soaked through. Thankfully, I have a very able helper who obtained a much better hose so we could finish. I have to say the bathrooms aren’t exactly sparkling but they are clean enough.

I was feeling much better as the day progressed and using the high pressure very hot hose to clean the showers actually helped to clean out my sinuses. This acted just like a vaporizer and the humid conditions did me a world of good.

After my workout, I showered for the second time of the day. As I emerged from the shower, I noticed the counselor had arrived in camp. She comes every 2 weeks and I missed the last time because I was out on a fire. I needed to see her to start parole plans. I last saw her about a month ago and I was informed then to come back next time they were here to fill out my parole paperwork because somehow the plans were missed. Unfortunately, she didn’t bring my parole plans. I understand this system is overcrowded and the workload of the counselors is abundant. I need to stay on top of things because paperwork does get misplaced. I once again inquired about transferring my parole to another state and the topic of restitution was not brought up. The counselor is going to try to transfer my parole to either Nevada or New Jersey. I need to see the Counselor on October 18th with addresses in the state I want to transfer. I had the job offer from the recovery center in Las Vegas before I was sentenced. I have written to the contact on three separate occasions regarding that position but haven’t heard back yet. The key to my parole is being with my family as an entire family unit. The secondary key is having a job. Ideally it would be wonderful to step right into a job upon my release and the opportunity with the recovery center is ideal. If the transfer to Nevada or New Jersey doesn’t come through, my dear friend has offered me a place to stay until my family comes back out to California at the end of this school year.

The meeting with the Counselor was over and I returned to my room to compose letters to my children congratulating them on their first day of school. My intention is to write them once a week for the next six months. I always feel fantastic after writing to them and today was no exception. I do enjoy my new routine because I have more time to better myself. My focus is much better being in camp and my growth in recovery is being accelerated. The blog and quite possibly my life here at fire camp maybe considered boring but this is anything but boring to me. Later at night I ate outside by the waterfall while I read a magazine. It was a good end to a good day.

Now The Boring Blog!

Last night at dinner, I made my Jewish grandmother (also known as my new roommate) very proud by taking seconds of the rice and vegetables. Earlier during dinner, I turned down extra beans much to the dismay of my Jewish grandmother, but I redeemed myself when I went up for seconds. My new roommate is a good guy (much like everyone else here in camp), and he has a very good sense of humor. He does tease me about my rather peculiar eating habits, but he does go out of his way to ensure I am getting enough food. This has worked out perfectly, and I do enjoy his teasing. Also, last night I telephoned a dear friend for the second time in the last few weeks. This is a very good friend who is not connected with GA. In fact, this friend still works for my former employer. We had a great conversation, and like he always does, he made me laugh. He also told me that he loves me and can’t wait to take me out to the Souplantation when I get out. I am truly blessed with so many magnificent people in my life, and I am eternally grateful.

After the telephone call, I returned to my new room and talked with my roommate (also known as my Jewish grandmother!) The two of us share similar characteristics and similar stories regarding our incarceration period. We shared similar fears when this whole process started for each of us, and we talked about those. The underlying theme was we are both much stronger (in mind) now that when we first started our journeys. The key back then was fear, and now, this fear is present in some instances but much less pronounced than at the beginning. The phrase, “That what doesn’t kill a person makes them stronger” does come to mind; however, for me it is still about peace of mind. Early on in this journey, I didn’t have peace of mind, and I was genuinely fearful. Over time, my peace of mind gets stronger and stronger. Now, I am at peace with myself and with my situation. We had a very good talk, and we also laughed. Laughter is such a great elixir, and now there isn’t a day which goes by that I don’t laugh. It feels so good to laugh, and this does make the days better and better.

My new roommate shares the same bedtime schedule as I do because he, too, wakes up early to exercise. I now have a different mattress because the thinner mattress was just not very comfortable as I could feel the springs in the bed frame. This current mattress is much more comfortable than any other mattresses I have had all through this journey, but my light sleeping still hasn’t changed. My new roommate dropped his portable radio during the night, and I heard it. Also, the C/O on duty was “flashlight happy” as he shined the light several times during the night. The C/O does have a responsibility to ensure everyone is in their bed during the night, and I do understand. I managed to fall back to sleep soon after the flashlight shining, and I do get enough sleep during the night.

I thought I might be allergic to my new room and/or my new roommate because as soon as I moved in yesterday I started sneezing, and my nose was running. It isn’t allergies. It is a small cold. I had the scratchy-throat symptoms a few days ago, and there is something going around the camp. I am very surprised that more colds or flu’s don’t go around the camp especially when we are out on fires. I know for myself that on the last fire I didn’t get nearly enough sleep, and my body was rundown. I will watch myself, but the beauty of my new position is I have the entire afternoon to rest if I need it. I am no longer subjected to the extremes of the fire line, and I know my small cold will pass quickly. Small cold or not, I still got up early to run. The weather has finally broken, and the early morning temperatures were the coolest they have been in a few weeks. This coolness felt great, and I had a great run. The rest of my day was essentially the same as it was the day before, and so goes the boring blog. The blog may be boring, but I am enjoying my new position tremendously. A fellow in-camper put it perfectly today as we talked about coming in camp. “It is so peaceful being an in-camper.” He is 100% correct because the camp is extraordinarily peaceful during the day, and so is my being. My being is peaceful, tranquil, and serene. I can certainly handle six months of this wonderful program.

From Penthouse To Outhouse

I have been in camp for three major holidays – Memorial Day, July Fourth, and Labor Day. With each of these days, the camp served mountains of food for dinner. Yesterday (Labor Day) was not an exception. There were several main entrees; beef ribs, pork sausage, and grilled chicken. Of course with my peculiar diet, I did not eat any of these, but I still had plenty of food even without a special meal. The other items that were served were corn on the cob, baked potato, salad, apple pie, and ice cream. I gave away all of the main entrees and in return had more baked potatoes and corn on the cob that I could eat. I even ate 1-1/2 slices of the apple pie. The holiday meals are very special, and on these days, there isn’t one complaint regarding dinner.

Dinner was over, and I was full. The rest of the night I stayed outside and watched the water-color sunset. The sunsets are very pretty, and last night the clouds were a pinkish-purple color. Not only are the sunsets pretty, they are very peaceful. There is a great vantage point from the “table” which sits in front of the waterfall. This is the most relaxing, tranquil spot on the camp grounds, and with the backdrop of the sunset, it certainly is tranquility at its finest. While watching the sunset, I spoke with my friends. I share several common bonds with my friend who works in the kitchen. We attended the same university, we were both born and raised on the east coast, we both enjoy exercising, and we are both finicky eaters. We shared stories of our youth, and it is funny how our paths have crossed. This is no coincidence. This is exactly as it is intended, and I am very grateful. It was time to turn in for the evening, and before I went to sleep, I listened to the John Tesh “Intelligence for Your Life” radio program. Mr. Tesh is a multitalented person, and the radio program is very fascinating. He does play good music, but in between songs, he shares wisdom on a multitude of subjects from parenting, to relationships, to diet, and many other items.

Before finally drifting off to sleep, I thought about Labor Days past when I was a child. Labor Day would always mark the return to school when I was growing up in New Jersey. It seemed my family never went anywhere on Labor Day weekend because my mother was a school teacher. This would mark her end to summer and return to work. We were content with staying home and watching the Jerry Lewis Telethon. I cam remember staying up into the wee hours of the morning with only my mother while we both watched the telethon. Through the years, I did lose track of the Telethon, but last night I heard on the radio that at the age of 82 Jerry Lewis is still going strong and raised $65.7 million over this past weekend. Etched in my memory bank are Jerry Lewis and his Telethon. He continues to do great work, and this is truly what life is all about - giving back. I have taken so much over the years which was very selfish. Now, my life in dedicated to giving back. I am doing my best in this situation, and it will only get better upon my release date.

I woke up at my usual time, but I was sorer than I have been in a number of months, so I took it easy during my early morning workout. With my new position, I no longer have to worry about getting in my entire workout early in the morning. I have more time available later in the day after the cleaning of the bathrooms. I did manage to get through 400 burpees, which was equal to 1000 pushups, and I was done. As I finished, the members from my former crew were going over to the “canteen’ (store) area. Since we were out on the fire when “canteen” was run, I missed getting my order, as did my old crew members. Some months, canteen is just shipped, but the lieutenant made it a point to run canteen for the crews that were out on the fire. I went over to the area and received my $20 canteen order. I really didn’t need much, and the most important item was a photo ducat so I could take a picture with my mom and sister when they come out next week. I quickly got my canteen items and went off to breakfast. It appears I am the only one who is drinking the rice milk because there is still some left. This is truly a very nice treat with breakfast, and I am very grateful.

With breakfast over, I got great to start my first official day as the bathroom porter! Yes, Friday was my first day, but it technically was a training day because the other bathroom porter was still here. Today, the other bathroom porter paroled, and now it is my sole responsibility to keep the bathrooms clean. Thankfully, I do have an assistant who will be with me until the end of this month, and it is so much better with two people as opposed to one person. I was ready to start my day, and after I checked in, my day had started. I have gone from the penthouse to the outhouse, but being in the outhouse is a huge blessing. I was living a good life prior to coming to prison, but I was not truthful with myself or anyone else around me. Two and one-half years later, I am living a very different life, but it feels so much better because I am truthful with myself and everyone else. I do have peace of mind, and it feels wonderful.

I won’t go into the mundane details of cleaning the bathrooms. I will say I to take my time and will do a very good job. The bathrooms do take my time, and I will do a very good job. The bathrooms did get very dirty over the three-day holiday weekend but nothing a little beach, boiling water, and a few chemicals couldn’t rectify. With the two of us working together, we finished by the noon check-in time. We got a late start because we were waiting with the previous bathroom porter as he waited for his wife to pick him up. Today was his parole day, and as inmates parole, it means I am getting one day closer to my parole. This particular inmate had been incarcerated for the past six years, and he was very excited to go home. Six years is a long time to be incarcerated. Heck, from my experience, one day is a lifetime, so I am sure he feels great. His wife came, and just like that, he drove out of the camp without looking back. My day is coming, and I already have visualized this day. In the meantime, I will continue to clean the bathrooms.

Since I am now an in-camper, I had to move rooms. As it turns out, the previous bathroom porter roomed with my friend who works with the kitchen, so now he and I are roommates. I had to transfer all of my stuff from my current locker to the locker in my new room. I have acquired a great deal of stuff over the past year, and my locker is filled. It took me almost an hour to take my stuff from one locker to the other locker. I still have quite a bit food, and I discovered food I hadn’t seen since I departed Jamestown. It was good that I transferred lockers because I was able to consolidate even further with the items in my locker. I finally got settled into my new room. My new room number is 212, and my roommate is 211. The number 211 is very significant in my life because it is my daughter’s birth date. Along with 211 being my daughter’s birth date, it was my mother’s classroom number when she first started teaching. As it turns out, my daughter is in that very classroom this year. Now, each morning I wake up and look across to my roommate’s towel rack, which has the number 211 in bold print. This may sound trivial, but to me, it once again reiterates that there are no coincidences in life, and I am so happy to see this significant number each and every day for the next six months.

Today flew by so fast, and if this is any indication of how fast the next six months will be, I certainly made the proper decision to come in camp. The morning went by so quickly, and even the afternoon was over before I knew it. I looked at my watch for the first time all day and was surprised when it read 3:00 p.m. I do expect things to slow down a bit because now I am settled in my new room and will be settled with my new routine. It was a great day, and I certainly don’t mind being in this outhouse!

Labor Day 2007

Yesterday afternoon I got a feel what it is like when all of the crews are out of camp on fires. The fire call occurred during the mid-afternoon, and the four remaining crews were called out. Since I am an in-camper, I did not need to join the rush in order to leave for the fire call. I just sat back on my bunk and watched my former crew members get ready. In the past, I was only concerned with getting myself ready so I didn’t notice anyone else. Yesterday, I watched my crew members, and they spanned the gamut of emotions. Some of the crew members were genuinely excited, others went out about getting ready with professionalism and others begrudgingly got ready. I would not get overly excited or disappointed. It was part of being an inmate/firefighter. Yesterday, I was a mere observer, and it did feel very good. I thought I might miss the connection with the guys on the crew, but I made the right decision for myself. In the past, I would get myself caught up in the simple fact of being left out. I found myself in strange situations because I wanted to be one of the fellows. Over the past 2-1/2 years, I have discovered it is okay to be me, and I don’t need to be included with others. I am now at peace with myself, and this makes a world of difference.

All of the crews went out yesterday afternoon into the early evening. The camp was exceedingly quiet. There were only 30 inmates remaining in camp which made for an intimate dinner service. During dinner, I was given a soy burger in lieu of the chicken. My friend who works with the kitchen made the soy burger just for me. After dinner, I sat outside near the waterfall watching the sunset. It was peaceful, and I enjoyed every moment. Being an in-camper does have its benefits, and being outside by myself was very good for me. I am on the right road to recovery, and my peace of mind continues to grow every day.

The crews came back close to 9:00 p.m., and they all were given a fire meal. There won’t be any more fire meals for me, which is okay with me. I did give away most of the food served at the fire meals, and the regular meals are more than sufficient. While the crews were at dinner, I went back in my room to get ready for bed. I listened to the radio before falling asleep. The reception on the radios here are not the best as the stations fade in and out. I was listening to a fascinating program on UFO’s, but I lost the station. I did fall asleep a little past my usual time, and as I fell asleep, I thought about the telephone call I had placed earlier in the evening to my mom. I spoke with her for 30 minutes, and this time went by so fast. This was the last time I will speak with her before I see her on the 15th with my sister. We had a great conversation, and I can’t wait to see them. I did fall asleep with a smile on my face.

Today being a holiday meant even I, the bathroom porter, had the day off along with everyone else in camp. Even though I had the day off, I still wake up at my usual time and wanted to embark on my Monday morning run. I made my way over to the office to inform the officer on duty that I would be running on the track. I have done this without fail for the past three months and haven’t had any problems. Well, this morning the office on duty did not allow me to run because it was too early. Yes, it is dark at 5:20 a.m., but the makeshift track is well lit, and I ran at this same time on Friday without any problems. As I have mentioned before, there are 10 officers assigned to this camp, and sometimes there are 10 different interpretations of the rules. This morning I got caught up in one of those interpretations. I did ask when I could run, and I was told, “I will let you know.” I certainly did not argue and just said, “Okay” while walking away. The sun doesn’t fully rise until 6:40 a.m., which wouldn’t leave me much time to run. I needed to alternate my workout, so I did 90 minutes on the Harvard Wall. I did not allow myself to get down when I was told I couldn’t run. This is all part of the journey, and it is a fact that other people control most of my daily life. I completely understand this and wholly accept them as well. Other people or factors do control parts of my life at the present time, but the only person who controls my attitude is ME. It is entirely my responsibility to maintain a positive attitude no matter the obstacles. Sure I was looking forward to running this morning, but I was not allowed to so I happily changed my plans. I did have a very good workout and could always run later in the day.

After my first workout of the day, I showered, dressed, and went to breakfast. I walked out of breakfast with a bounty of bananas. I do like bananas, and the kitchen had to give them out because they will be overripe by tomorrow. When breakfast was over, I returned to my room and started to read “Maximum Achievement” by Brian Tracy. One of my old crew members lent me this book. The book is promoted as “strategies and skills that will unlock your hidden powers to succeed.” As I started reading, I agreed with every word with no exception. The book is a road map to success and was very good even with that one exception. The once exception is that the author states over and over that life is hard but everyone should get over that fact. I believe life is a blessing and anything but hard. I have taken a cue from Dr. Dyer and “The Power of Intention.” Incidentally, the author does allude to “The Power of Intention” where life is wonderful. Sometimes, the road of life takes twists and turns which could be difficult, but my life is truly great. One passage in the book talks about relationships and how the best test regarding relationships is laughter. The more people laugh the stronger the relationship, and I do believe this. As I read this, I thought of my wife and children because we laugh all the time. We do have incredible relationships, and I look forward to returning to the laughter. The book was an affirmation for me because each chapter started exactly what I am doing. The affirmation was good, and I am headed in the right direction.

I spent a few hours going through this book, and then it was time for my second workout for the day. I wanted to run and slotted the mid-morning for a long run. I embarked on the long run with the temperature and humidity very high. This was very different than running in the early morning where the temperature is much cooler. I ran a bit slower but did cover 12 mile in 1-1/2 hours. As I ran, there were more distractions than when I run early in the morning. There were all good distractions as most of the guys asked me how many laps I was running. The weather was again strange as it started and stopped drizzling several times as I ran. The rain felt good but didn’t last very long. I only ran on the flat surface, and it felt great. I was considering starting my training for the L.A. Marathon in three months, but the training started today. I exercised for over three hours today, and my legs felt very good. I do have some soreness, but this is a good soreness, and I will improve in the next six months.

The run was over, and I was drenched with sweat. I was also very thirsty. One downside to my coming in camp is that I had to give back the CamelBak. The CamelBak came in handy for cold water. Now, I am relegated to filling empty Gatorade bottles with ice and water, which does take a bit of time. Oh well, if this is the only downside, it is certainly okay. I hydrated myself after the run and showered. The rest of the day I read and wrote while waiting for the special Labor Day dinner. The best part about this Labor Day holiday 2007 is that it is my last Labor Day being incarcerated. Next Labor Day I will be with my family and laughing up a storm.

The Visits are The Best Part

I fell asleep listening to a CD by Amy Winehouse who apparently is very hot in the music world. She has a unique powerful, sultry, bluesy voice and sounds nothing like she looks. She is what I would consider an “Old Soul” because she is all of 20 years old but her voice has incredible range. One of my friends lent me the CD and this is not something I would normally listen to, but I was happy I did. It’s fantastic and I highly recommend it. I also understand she has some drug dependency issues; hopefully, she will be on the right road to recovery because she has a big, bright, beautiful future ahead of her.

Even though it is Saturday, I woke up at my normal time so I could exercise. I didn’t think I would have any visits today because most of my visits occur on Sundays so I had the extra bowl of oatmeal along with a great treat. My friend, who works in the kitchen had a half gallon of rice milk and I had 2 glasses. I really have missed my specialty foods because the rice milk was delicious. I am so fortunate in every way imaginable and also grateful for everything in my life.

After breakfast I went back to my room and rearranged my locker since I am no longer on the fire crew I don’t need to pack a bag for the long distance fires. I needed to make room for all my clothes so I spent sometime rearranging and then sat down to read. I read about 2 pages and I heard my name called over the loudspeaker. Oh my, I had visitors today! Thankfully, I did shave and all I had to do was to put on my orange shirt and headed toward the visiting area. As I walked down, I noticed it was my two very dear friends who hold the record for the most visits with me. These are two incredibly special people and I was so happy to see them. With all the fires over the pat few weeks, I have been without a visit in 3 of those weeks. The best part of being at fire camp are truly the visits. My dear friends have been incredible because they make it a point to come and visit me. Normally they come on Sundays so I was very surprised to see them today. As soon as I saw them my heart warmed and I got a sensation up my spine. I love these two people so much! I have only known them a little over 2 ½ years, but we are so connected. I am so appreciative of their friendship and everything they have done for me.

The visit was excellent as always, and the reason they came today was because they are having family over their house tomorrow and Monday for the Labor Day Holiday. They made it a point to see me this morning and I was beyond honored. Of course they brought plenty of food but my friend did apologize for not bringing enough. There was certainly enough food and we didn’t even touch the watermelon. We talked, munched, talked some more and ate. They visited for 3 hours and this time went by so quickly. I love their visits and it is truly the highlight of my prison experience. My friend informed me the GA meeting/visit is scheduled for next Sunday, September 9th and I will certainly be here for that visit. The week after that my mom and sister will be here for their visit. I cannot wait to see them because it has been much too long.

Their visit had come to an end because they had to prepare for their family tomorrow at their home. These are great people and I am blessed by their presence. We cleaned up all the wonderful food and they departed with warm hugs and kisses. As they left, I stayed behind finishing the diet root beer while chatting with the 2 CO’s at the visitors entrance. One of them is the nicest CO I have met through this journey. It is no secret that I am a vegetarian and most inmates along with the CO’s I know. I do enjoy talking about my peculiar eating habits and what I know about nutrition. Our conversation was very nice and I proceeded back to camp. On my way back, I passed another CO who is nothing like the extremely pleasant one. I did my best to make a joke about something he was carrying but my joke fell flat. I kept walking and realized how different people can be. One is so pleasant and the other walks around with the weight of the world on his back yet they both have the same position. I did manage an internal smile as I walked back to camp because being positive, cheerful, and enthusiastic is a much better way to live life. Thankfully, I choose to be positive each and everyday.

I arrived back at camp and noticed the payroll for August was posted on the board. This was a good month for fire fighters and some inmates earned in excess of $500.00. I earned $288.00 for the month which isn’t too bad and after restitution is deducted, I will have roughly $130. deposited into my prison account. The days of me earning fire money are over and I will earn $30.00 a month which will bring me $13.50 after restitution is deducted. Some inmates are able to save a few thousand dollars after serving 2 or more fire seasons. I know every little bit helps at this stage but I also know once I get released, I will earn a solid living for my family.

After checking the payroll, I made my way over to the telephones. I was able to call my wife who was at the Jersey Shore with her sister, mother, and our children. I spoke with my son and daughter who sounded great as they just emerged from the ocean. Both of them are looking forward to starting school which is a blessing. They had a very busy summer and life is moving along very well for all of them. My wife has started her new job and it too is progressing well. I can’t wait to see my wife when she comes out for a family visit in November. We need this time alone and it will be fantastic, as will our lives. There are some unanswered questions regarding the future while being on parole. These questions will be answered soon enough.

I headed back to my room where I basked in the morning’s excellent visit. I reflected on all the good in my life and there is ONLY good in my wife. I am blessed and grateful for everyone and every moment.

New Career As An In-Camper

Sleeping off the ground does indeed have its merit. It felt good to have some separation from Mother Earth and I did sleep very well. Along with being able to sleep in an actual bed, I was also looking forward to exercising. I did my best to get in some hiking over the past 9 days to provide some type of exercise, but it was not a good replacement for my regular exercise program. Since I no longer have to go our of the camp on fires, I can get into a good rhythm with my exercise program and today was a great start. It was wonderful to run this morning and with the higher than usual humidity, I got a very good sweat going. While I was running down the steep portion of the little hill, I turned my ankle on a rock. This was the third time in the past week. Today I was wearing my running shoes – not hiking boots which are low cut and don’t provide much ankle support like my hiking boots. I turned my ankle as far as I could without breaking it, but remarkably I was able to run off any discomfort. I do take these signs seriously which is why I do my best to be careful. I am not the most flexible person in the world but judging by what happened to my ankles, I do have very strong muscles supporting them. I was able to finish my run without incident. The early morning workouts were surely missed and now I won’t miss one since I will be in camp for the next 6 months.

Today was the start of my new career as a bathroom porter which changed my daily routine. I no longer have to be “booted and suited”. I do wear my boots while cleaning the bathroom because the only other alternative I have are my running shoes and wearing doesn’t make much sense. Everything went smoothly this morning and I still had to venture up to the bus area to off load my fire equipment. I had to return all of the fire gear and also had to endure the tradition of having a bucket (Gatorade bucket) of ice water dumped on me as a going away present from the crew. Anytime a person departs from a crew, the bucket of ice water is dumped on them and I was fully expecting it this morning. There was a point where I thought this would not happen because the 2 CO’s on duty are sticklers for the rules. However; one of crew mates waited for the opportune time and did dump the water on me. I was distracted by another crew member and was caught by surprise. The ice water felt good because the temperature was already approaching 90 degrees at 8:30 am. This was all in good fun and I got a good laugh. The CO on duty didn’t find any humor in this and later told me I needed to stop the “horseplay.” I wasn’t going to engage him in a discussion and said “Okay” as I walked back to my dorm to change my wet shirt.

I felt strange leaving the guys on my crew but I was already replaced with a new arrival. I enjoyed the brief 3 month stay as an inmate/firefighter and liked everyone on my crew. Coming in camp made complete sense for me and is the right thing to do. The crew will go on very well without me. I gained some good experience and met some very good people, but it was time for me to move on. The departing bathroom porter was there to train me and this would be his last day. There wasn’t much training to do since I have already worked with him a few times. I do have a helper who I know very well. He will be with me for the next month as he paroles on September 30th. After that I don’t know if anyone else will help out but the position is designed for only one person. I welcome any assistance, but if I don’t have any that will be fine.
Now that I am a bathroom porter, the tenor of these blogs will no doubt become very boring much like the time I spent working in the kitchen at the reception center. I don’t intend on boring anyone with the details of cleaning the two bathrooms as my life becomes very routine. This will be much the same Monday thru Friday which is wake up, exercise, etc. What I will write about is anyone’s guess because these days will be the same. Oddly, I am embracing the sameness. As the outgoing bathroom porter told me, my time will be very level as opposed to the ups and downs of being a firefighter. I will use this time in a constructive manner as I have used the past 13 ½ months. Time will continue to race by and March 2, 2008 will be here very soon.

I finished cleaning the bathroom and believe it or not I actually broke a good sweat. This was most likely due to the very warm temperatures and high humidity. Whatever the case I needed a shower. At noon there is a check-in and at 1:00 pm there is another check-in. Also during this hour the telephones are turned on and if need be I can place telephone calls at this time. I didn’t need to do that today so I just ate lunch. I was given soy baloney and did enjoy the sandwich I made with it. The rest of the afternoon I wrote and wrote and wrote some more. I chronicled the last week on the fire and before I knew it, it was time for the 4:15 check-in. The day had gone by very quickly and so will the remaining 184 days.

I wrote up until dinner and afterward Io remained outside talking with two friends at the table. Now I have much more time during the day. This can be construed as a negative; however, this time is what I make of it. The Serenity Prayer states:

“God Grant me the SERENITY to ACCEPT the things I CANNOT change, the COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference.”

When I was on the fire crew, I accepted the fact that I was at the mercy of others and made the best use of my time. Now I do have a job to do and I will clean those bathrooms to the best of ability. I am somewhat still at the mercy of others but to a lesser extent and I am gaining back a little more of my time. The next 6 months will be enjoyable and I will be with my family very soon.