Fascination

My gambling fascination actually started two years earlier than my first trip to Atlantic City. My father did like to gamble when I was younger but he never got into trouble like I have and in fact I would say he was very controlled with his gambling. My gambling was never controlled even though I fooled myself into thinking it was. It took over 20 years to admit to this but hey it is never too late. Getting back to my initial fascination with gambling; I was a freshman in high school and it was late in the school year when my father bought home a pocket computer for handicapping horse races. This was almost 27 years ago and no one had a computer in their home. This pocket computer resembled a calculator and slide rule but it acted just like computer. One of the many drawbacks of this pocket calculator was the small buttons and all of the horse race information had to be input through these small buttons. It would take about an hour or two to input all of the necessary information into this computer and when all of the information was input the computer would give its top four picks for that one race.

I saw my Dad using this device and I asked him about it. He showed me how it worked and I instantly volunteered to do all of the input. I was fascinated by the numbers. I have always been fascinated by numbers ever since I was a little kid maybe this is why I became an accountant. No, this is not the real reason for being an accountant. I was thinking about going to Law School early on in college and I took an accounting class which came very easy. Not many classes came easy for me and I didn't like the prospect of attending three more years at Law School after graduating college so I changed my major to accounting. Sorry about the digression but I have many thoughts running through my mind and need to get them out. Getting back to the horse race handicapping computer and for some reason I think it was made by Mattel. Yes, the same Mattel that makes toys. I sat at the kitchen table for hours and programmed this little computer for my Father and at the time I really didn't think much about the gambling aspect. I enjoyed the tedious work of inputting the numbers and learned how to read a racing form.

I am sure the little handicapping computer didn't fare too well because I only remember a handful of times where I would assist my Dad with the information. Yes, the numbers, action and possibility of winning money fascinated me so very much but I didn't find myself at the racetrack every weekend. I didn't realize it at the time but I was building a foundation for my future gambling exploits.

I certainly do not blame my mother or father for introducing me to these gambling experiences. What has happened to me is my fault not the fault of my upbringing. For some reason my brain is hard wired differently than most people when it comes to gambling. I moved to Las Vegas to work in the gambling business not to be a gambler. I thought working in the business would be enough to keep me from gambling. On one hand I was right because I didn't want to be seen in a casino in Las Vegas because I worked there and that would be bad for my future career growth. It was when I discovered I could gamble on the internet in almost complete anonymity that started the downward spiral.

People gamble every day and there is the small percentage that gamble compulsively. I am part of this small percentage but I always thought I was better than those "average" gamblers and all I did was live in denial for all of my adult life. There is no longer denial, deceit or lying. I am finally being honest with myself for the first time in my life in regards to my compulsive gambling behaviors. Honesty is the key to my recovery and finding the true person I am meant to be. I am honest each day with those around me and myself. Through this honesty and not having gambling a part of my life makes each day that much better. Even though there are terrible circumstances surrounding my life which were caused by my gambling today is better than it was seven months ago. Seven months ago I was drowning in denial and today I am swimming in honesty.