Another Month Down

The last day of September has come and gone. I had a teacher in high school tell me the older you get the faster the time goes because as each year passes the percentage of your life gets smaller and smaller. Think about how long a year is for a two year old? It is 50% of their life. Now think about how much a year means when you are 60? It works out to be about 1.667% of your life; meaning time flies!!!

I would be remiss if I didn't touch about something tonight. Three thousand miles away two people were having dinner that I would never had dreamed of having dinner together and I really think I caused this. I am not being conceited because I really don't want to take credit for this but I think I must. I guess out of every bad situation comes good and I have outlined how my bad situation is turning out very good for me and now it seems those I have affected are turning the bad into good. I hope these two people had a very nice dinner with some very nice wine. I am still having a hard time picturing the dinner conversation because these two people are very different yet they have share a very common bond. Also even though these people are very different they are both extraordinary individuals and I love them both.

It seems my leg is taking a longer time to heal then I had envisioned. My running in the New York Marathon in November is in jeopardy. I am trying to concentrate on a little local 5K in a few weeks because right now I am finding it very difficult to run at all. I have been cycling and training on the elliptical machine and I have increased my intensity in the past two weeks but when it comes to putting any significant amount of stress on my calf muscle it hurts very much. Thank goodness the NYC Marathon has a very good cancellation policy and I will be able to retain my spot for next year (God willing). I will see how it goes in the next few weeks and if it doesn't get any better I will cancel for the following year.

There are a few other marathons I would like to run between now and November of next year but it all depends on my pending incarceration and how my calf heals. Yes, life continues to move on with or without me but I choose to be involved in life because it is worth living.

Conversations

It is hard to believe it is the 29th day of September and it was 101 degrees today! Three quarters of the year is complete and my where has the time gone?? Yes, we are having a heat wave in Southern California and yes, it seems the fire season has began in earnest. If you have been watching the news there have been a series of brush fires about 100 miles north of where I live and these fires are threatening multi-million dollar houses. Which brings me to something I heard the other day; "money can be a house but it can't buy a home". I just wanted to throw that quote in and I will leave the money discussion to another day. Back to the brush fires; I found several ashes from these fires or other fires in our pool. I thought the "closest" brush fire was 100 miles away so this is a long way for an ash to travel.

I had several different conversations today and most likely in the past I would have taken these conversations for granted but not anymore. It all started when I woke up my daughter for school and as I tried to get her out of bed she asked me (completely out of the blue), "Daddy do you miss your old job?" I am not sure where this came from but I answered her with; "yes, I certainly do but I am enjoying spending more time with you and your brother". This was the extent of our conversation because she went on to something else and much like any other morning I showered her with tickles. It is so nice to hear my daughter laugh first thing in the morning; she really is a good soul.

As I was driving my son home from school today he said (again totally out of the blue!) "we should get a new house." I have no idea where this came from but he wanted to get a new house. I asked him why and he replied, "because we should". Hmmm......I didn't really know how to continue this conversation but I did ask him if he wanted to live with his Grandmother? His reply; "yes". It didn't matter which grandmother because he would be happy with either one and I tried to get out of him why but he would have nothing to do with it. Very soon after we were home and all he wanted to do was play with his friend. My children may not know exactly what is going on with their Dad but they certainly are not stupid.

Finally, I had lunch with a new friend and I have found that there are some extraordinary good people in this world and he is one. We had a very good conversation and these are things I am so thankful to be around because without these fabulous people I would truly be lost. One of the things we talked about was how I was doing. This really is a loaded question and one that has been asked by many other caring people. My answer is not simple because I have good days and bad days but the good days are starting to out number the bad days. Most importantly I concentrate on today only. It is very difficult to make any plans considering I really don't know how much of my future will be lost and it is detrimental to dwell in the past. Today is seven months and one day since my last bet and as long as I continue doing the right things my future and the future of my family will be better.

Here is an interesting article about the future compulsive gamblers which has been caused by the poker craze. One line from this article hit a nerve with me; "Only a small percentage of college students who play poker will develop a problem, Fowler said, but because the number of those playing is so large, that small percentage will be a significant number of people." Yes, a small percentage will become compulsive gamblers but this small percentage will be a significant number. Awareness through education will not eliminate compulsive gamblers but may help in slowing it down.

Television and the movies make gambling look so easy but for every winner there are over one million losers. Of those million losers some will dream bigger dreams and will continue to lose until everything is gone including their lives. I was on this path seven months ago. If things didn't happen the way they happened I would have ended up in a gutter somewhere. I must keep this in mind as I work the recovery steps because one bet leads to disaster and I thank God each and every day I still have my family and I am abstaining from gambling one day at time.

Journey

Life is not a destination it is a journey. Sometimes life is wonderful and sometimes it is not so wonderful. The journey is paved with pitfalls and pratfalls but it beats the alternative. Four years ago when we moved to Southern California I would never have envisioned what has happened to me in these past seven months. Oh by the way it has been seven months today since my last wager, the days certainly do go by!!

Four years ago things were looking up; new job, new house, new state; it was almost like a new beginning; however; I had some left over baggage that was never addressed. This baggage would build up over the next four years until it finally brought me down. Was it the end of my world seven months ago? It sure looked that way and I still don't know what the future holds for me. However; I have learned so much about myself and I have met some incredible people so it is another part of the journey.

Also in this journey of life comes lessons. Sometimes it takes a little longer to learn these lessons but the important thing is learning something. I have learned I was so stupid and never truly listened to myself. I was so good at fooling people I fooled myself into believing something that was not true. I thought gambling was harmless even though twice before I was faced with some hard lessons that I didn't learn a damn thing from. The third time seems so very different from the first two times because I am finally do something about it and I am finally listening to myself.

One significant part of the difference this time is Gamblers Anonymous and last night was a GA night. I met my sponsor for dinner prior to the meeting because we are doing a presentation at a Conference next week. We needed to go over the material and it was also so very nice to spend and hour and half with this kind gentleman.

We are doing a presentation on Trust for the Compulsive Gambler and those affected by the compulsive gambler. My sponsor has done this presentation before and I am so happy he asked me to join him. There is some amazing material in this presentation such as can forgiveness be in terms of percentages (25%, 50%, etc.) or does it need to be all or nothing? Does "I forgive you" mean "I approve of what you did"? What is revenge? Can revenge have closure? There is much more to the presentation and we hope to get the audience involved as much as possible. There really are no right or wrong answers and everyone's opinion is important. It really should be a very fun and interesting presentation.

Gary D.

Early on in my recovery I made it a point to seek out those who have gone before me. I have found the best way to understand anything is to research and ask questions. I decided to contact people who are recovering compulsive gamblers. In a few weeks I will have a chance to meet many people who have gone before me at a conference in Southern California and it will be my pleasure to meet these people. One of the most influential (to me) people I have spoken with in the past seven months was in the news today. I usually don't like to name names but his is a very public story and I will share the link and I will refer to him as Gary D. Oh by the way yes, as the story indicates there is certainly life after gambling.

When I spoke with Gary D. some six months ago it was the most inspiring conversation I have ever had. We spoke for about an hour and I had goose bumps throughout the conversation. Here is a man at the top of the Gaming Industry only to be brought down by the same vice he had made a very good career in. Yes, it even happens to Gaming Executives. Gary D. couldn't control his gambling and he did some bad things because of his addiction. However, after four long years and some outstanding recovery work he is back in a fantastic position. During his four years he started two Gamblers Anonymous meetings and in places where one would have thought there should have been meetings; nearby Atlantic City. He has inspired many people including me and yes, once the madness stopped he found the true person he really is. I am honored to have met this person and I congratulate him on his new position.

The addiction to gambling knows no boundaries, if you are rich, poor, old, young, highly educated or not educated at all it can strike anyone. I feel a strong connection with Gary D. because we both come from the same industry and we are both compulsive gamblers. Gary D. did not go to prison because of his compulsive gambling but it was like a prison because he was prohibited from making a living until he got his act together. Gary D. is a role model for recovery and his stories are so inspiring he helped me immensely at a very early stage in my recovery.

Gary D. has three children and unlike my two children his kids were old enough to understand what was going on with Dad and it was very public but he made it through. His wife stayed with him and thank God my wife has stayed with me as well. As you can see the connection is very strong and yes, there is certainly hope for me as long as I continue to do the right things. These right things include abstaining from gambling, making as many Gamblers Anonymous meetings as possible, working the Program, living life with a purpose and giving back as much as possible. Yes, the road for Gary D. was long but he was able to weather everything in front of him and he is a great person. His successful journey is a testament of his true character and a life without gambling is a great one.

Laughter

I would like to share a "funny" email I received comparing going to work with going to prison. Now you may think the person who sent me this email has a very warped sense of humor especially considering my current situation. No, this person is someone who I would consider a friend and I have only known this person for six months but we share a common bond we are both compulsive gamblers. You know what; laughter is the best medicine and yes, there is nothing "funny" about my situation especially to those I hurt but if I cannot laugh at myself I mind as well just crawl up into a ball and die. Let me share the email; yes, I did find it quite amusing;

Subject: Prison vs Work

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit clearer.

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8 x10 cell.

AT WORK.... you spend the majority of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.

AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.

AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

AT WORK..you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.

AT WORK...you have to share a toilet with a bunch of idiots who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.

AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.

AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic Officers.

AT WORK...they are called managers.

I have always been able to laugh at myself but I had a hard time LISTENING to myself. In the past seven months I have been able to finally listen to myself and I guess I am a very slow learner. Why it had to happen the way it did I really have no idea but it did and dwelling on the past won't change today. Concentrating, listening and focusing on my recovery will help me change my deficiencies. Donald Trump said the other night on The Apprentice: "People don't change." He is right people don't change they make modifications and by making these modifications their behaviors can change. It is still the same person but the behaviors have been modified. I am making the necessary modifications to lead a purposeful life and be the person I was intended to be.

In the short time I have been in Gamblers Anonymous I have noticed many things and one of those things became very evident this past weekend. I have spoken to many long time GA members and they all seem to agree. People are turning into compulsive gamblers more quickly today than they have ever in the past. Case in point; 10 years ago in Gamblers Anonymous the average compulsive gambler had been gambling for over 15 years before finally coming to Gamblers Anonymous. Today it seems people are getting in over their head so quick. Some people come to GA after losing large sums of money in one week and that is the only gambling they have ever done. I am not sure if this fits the definition of a compulsive/pathological gambler but the fellowship is open to anyone with a gambling problem.

I think there are a number of factors involved in people getting in over their head gambling so quick; number one; gambling is everywhere, 90% of the United States population is within a 2 hour drive of a casino, not to mention every home with a computer has unlimited access to gambling, number two; the easy access to cash via credit cards and home equity loans, personal loans, etc.. Number 3 the lure of gambling which ultimately leads to the chase, people start to win and really like gambling but inevitably they will lose and some will stop while others will chase and chase until everything is gone including their lives. It really doesn't have to be this way, I know I thought I could "control" my gambling but this was another one of my neverending lies. For some including myself gambling controlled me and took me to places I never thought I would go in a million years. Now I am taking back my sanity by NOT gambling, this is the only way I can live a productive purposeful life.

Good Life?

Does leading a good life mean you have to a great deal of money? Absolutely not, sure money does buy convenience but it doesn't buy humility, love, happiness, pride, self-worth, sensibility, affection, confidence and all the other things in life you cannot put a price on. I always thought having money would make a difference in my life but what it brought me was a total lack of purpose. Life was meaningless and I was meandering in an idiotic sense of self importance.

One of my gambling triggers was money but it was never about the money. The first time I got into trouble gambling I was 18 years old and there was no internet; everything was done through a bookmaker and was done on credit. Meaning I had no sense of what money meant at an early age. The first bet I made was for $25 when I was 16 years old. When I got into trouble with the bookie my bets had risen to $500 a game in just two years. I was able to "get out" of this situation but I didn't learn the value of money until a few months ago.

After the first time I got into trouble gambling I stayed away for 5 years but then I got out of college and found myself with money. I started gambling again without any sense of what had happened to me earlier. Of course my main bets were $500 a game and of course over the next 4 years I found myself in a great deal of debt. I was able to "get out" of this situation but I still didn't admit I was a compulsive gambler. I stayed away from gambling for the next 4 years but I discovered the "internet" and I could control my gambling because they didn't allow credit like a bookie. I had to deposit "real money" and when that was gone I would stop. Funny it didn't work that way. When the "real money" was gone I tapped credit cards and found myself in worse shape than I was before.

Gamblers Anonymous teaches that compulsive gambling is a progressive disease it gets worst never better if it is left untreated. I am a true testament to this fact because my $25 bets in the beginning ended up being $2000 and $10,000 bets in the end. No matter what the dollar amount of the bet was it was never enough and for what? What was I going to do with the winnings? I was going to make more and more bets until it was all gone. It really is insanity and yes, for you "normal" people it really makes no sense.

In a few days it will be seven months since my last bet and I am starting to see my stupidity a lot more clearly than I have in the past but that doesn't mean I am "cured". There is no "cure" for this disease. The only known "cure" for me the compulsive gambler is to not gamble again ever. Yes, forever is a long time but I cannot get to forever without going through today and today only. This is why I choose not to place a wager today because today is the only thing I have.

Church

Every Saturday morning for the last seven months I look forward to attending my Gamblers Anonymous meeting; today was no exception. We have a saying in GA "what you see hear what hear here let is stay hear"; rings very true so all I can say about this morning's meeting is WOW!!! What an amazing group of people and no they are not LOSERS far from it; everyone in that meeting is a WINNER. They have recognized a problem in their lives and are trying to correct this problem. I do know some good has come out of my situation because without my finally admitting I have a gambling problem I would not have met these incredible people.

Also today we as a family went back to church for the first time in a very long time. My wife and I were both raised Catholic. My wife's family is more of a die hard Catholic than my family. After making my holy confirmation it was my choice to attend church regularly because my parents did not make me go. My wife went to a Catholic grammar school and wasn't given the option to go to church it was something she just did when she was younger because her family would go every Saturday or Sunday.

About 11 years ago my wife went to church on Mother's Day by herself because I refused to go with her and when she came home from church she was crying. The mass was very emotional and I knew my wife missed her mother because we had recently moved to Las Vegas. I made it a point to go to church with her the next Sunday. The church was being built and the priest was not like any priest I had encountered on the East Coast. I instantly felt at home in this church and kept going. I volunteered as a lecturer (someone who reads the Gospel) and was really enjoying the Church. At this same time I was attempting to quit gambling by myself and I thought going to church would help as well. I don't quite remember what happened but two years later I stopped going to church because I think the priest who I really liked had gotten transferred to a new church and I was not really fond of the new priest.

Then the scandal broke out in the Catholic Church regarding the molestation of the young boys. I personally did not like the way the Catholic Church handled these allegations. So I decided to stop going to church and also I got back into gambling. We did have our children baptized in the Las Vegas Church; however; I was no longer a lecturer and my wife also had stopped going. When we moved to Southern California I asked my wife to try a Lutheran Church and we went for a Christmas Service. The service was good but I think it was a little too different for my wife. I would consider the Lutheran religion "Catholic Lite". The concepts are all the same but the message is delivered a little more subtly. This didn't work and I know my wife wanted to remain Catholic. A few months ago we tried an Bible Study Service; I know this was much too different for my wife but I did enjoy the service.

Last week my wife took the children to the Catholic Mass and I told her I would join her this week. I did go and yes, things really haven't changed since the first time I went to a Catholic Mass 40 years ago but I will say the West Coast version of Catholicism seems different than the East Coast version. The church is brand new and very large; the people are nice but they seemed nicer at the Bible Study service and the Lutheran service. I know my wife and I have to make a choice in what religion we should raise our children because my daughter is at the age where she will be making her Holy Communion in the Catholic Church next year.

I know my wife would like to continue the Catholic upbringing. My past problems with the Catholic Church still linger but what matters most is my children. Everyone needs something to believe in be it Catholic, Protestant, Judaism, Islam, etc., so we will raise our children with some type religion which will be Catholic. It is not a bad religion and if you cut out all of the politics and guilt it is just like any spiritual program. Yes, there is a Higher Power at work and things happen for a reason.

I would like to give my children this base religion and when they are old enough to choose for themselves they can choose to join any religious service or not. I will not guilt them into doing anything they don't want to do. I want to make sure they attend whatever service for the right reasons. So many times in life we do things out of guilt and because we have to; hopefully when the times comes for my children they will "want" to continue their religious fellowship.

Friends

Going through my personal crisis I have found tremendous support from my family and friends. I thank God every day for the people in my life who have stood by me through this horrible ordeal. Tonight I received a phone call from a very dear friend and this phone call boosted my spirits immensely. Seven months ago I took a great many things for granted and I thought I had many friends. I have found out that I should not take anything for granted and I don't have many friends but the friends I do have are extraordinary.

Everyone makes mistakes in their lives and God knows I have made a very large one. However; through my family and my friends I have learned that there are some very special people in this world and they do not judge. These people see my true character not the character I was for the past few years. I would be totally lost without this support and I would like to thank everyone for this support.

I would like to share a quote from the Day at a Time Gamblers Anonymous book; "Can I believe, in the words of Browning, that my business is not to remake myself but to make the absolute best of what God made". I wrote about how it is never too late to change in yesterday's blog and I want to take it a step further with the previous quote. I do not have to remake myself to change I have to make the absolute best of what God made. I am not a terrible person; I let my gambling addiction get the best of me. I am taking the necessary steps to ensure I make the best of what was already inside of me.

By taking these steps one day at time and making progress one day at time I am changing for the better. I do not have to have perfection because perfection is unattainable. I have to make progress in being a person with a positive purpose. As long as I make positive progress I am on the road to recovery and having the support of my family and friends makes this journey all the more worthwhile.

Finally I want to send my thoughts and prayers to the people of Texas and Louisiana; may God be with them. Also; I want to send my condolences to my Great Aunt Margaret's family. My Great Aunt Margaret passed away on Wednesday. It has been a particularly tough past few years for my Great Aunt Margaret she lost her husband and son. May they all rest in peace.

Never Too Late

It does not matter what other people say it only matters what I think and I think it is never too late to change for a better life nor is it too late to make amends. Earlier today I found myself telling my story and each time I tell the story I discover something new. My earliest recollection of gambling came when I was 8 or 9 years old and there was a poker game being held in our basement. I remember my Uncle coming up to me after the poker game and giving me all of his change he won in the poker game.

I remember being mesmerized by the coins much like my daughter was mesmerized by her fifty cent piece given to her by the Tooth Fairy. I also remember sneaking down into the basement and watching the poker game for a few minutes until my Dad chased me away. I don't know what it was but the combination of the money and playing cards caught my attention. I didn't really understand how to play poker but I was intrigued. I hadn't thought about this for a long time until I was re-telling my story earlier today. Is this significant in my recovery? Maybe or maybe not but there are so many things I have repressed over the years it is good for me to get them out in the open.

Also at the end of my story I was having a discussion of how it is never too late for anyone. As long as I have breath in my body I can make a difference and I can change my bad behaviors. It has been almost seven months since my last wager and this is a great starting point. Everyone has to start somewhere. It took a long time to get this point in my life and I will make the best of it.

Yes, I may be going away for a number of years due to my bad behavior but as long as I keep my self awareness in tune each and every day things will work out for the best. Of course I regret my actions and I am truly sorry for hurting those that trusted me but that doesn't change history. I must face up to this history and learn from it. I once told someone very near and dear to me; "Learn from your mistakes don't live by your mistakes". I was always good at giving advice to other people but I would never really listen to myself now I am listening and understanding myself and these mistakes must be learned from and I intend to learn something each and every day.

I always fancied myself an intelligent person but I was only fooling myself. I am no smarter than the next person. A truly intelligent person knows themselves and knows their own shortcomings and does something to address those shortcomings. Also, a truly intelligent person embraces their own shortcomings and those shortcomings of others. They do not criticize, complain, or exacerbate the problem they make the necessary changes to live a life with a sense of purpose. An ignorant person continues on the path of denial and keeps making the same mistakes over and over again. I was so ignorant to myself it was not funny. Ignorance is not bliss at least in my case. Ignorance was a sort of insanity and I intend to break away from this ignorance and insanity by taking (working) the steps necessary to make me a better person because it is never too late to change.

Why

Is why such a great question? I attended a training seminar and a very prominent employee trainer never wanted to know why he just wanted to get the situation corrected. In other words it didn't matter why you did what you did and in this case if it interfered with customer service he would rather have the problem corrected. There was a discussion the other day regarding why; and how why is such an empty word. I am not sure if I agree with why being an empty word but if I dwell on "why" I will never be able to change anything. I believe the answer to why comes with doing the right things consistently and living a life with a purpose. The key concept to understanding "why" things have happened is to understand myself. Without a proper understanding of myself I would continue on the path of self-destruction and this is not where I want to head. I want to find myself living with conviction and working on my character defects.

The topic at last night's Gamblers Anonymous meeting was character defects. Everyone has character defects it doesn't matter who you are if you are human you have character defects. It is understanding these character defects and doing something to change these defects which makes you a better person. I know I am arrogant, self righteous, lazy, dishonest and a liar to name a few! Believe it or not I didn't realize any of these seven months ago. I was going through the motions and never really looked at myself. Through Gamblers Anonymous and working the 12 Steps of the Program I have learned so much about myself. Step Six is "we are entirely ready to have our defects of character removed". This Step lists at least 20 character defects and I can go down the line and pick out mine. Seven months ago I would have picked out maybe 2 and that was the problem. I thought I was above everything, "mister high and mighty". I tried not to come off this way but I am sure I didn't fool too many people.

When I first started working after getting out of college at a Big 8 (now there are 4!!) Accounting Firm I had a supervisor tell me (mind you after 2 months on the job) that I was going to be a "prick" when I got to be a supervisor. This person meant it as a compliment but I didn't take it this way because I thought I was treating people with respect. Unbeknownst to me I didn't really know how to treat people at this early age. So I took it upon myself to try and treat people as if I would be treated myself which means with dignity. I think each year in my career I accomplished this but some where along the way I fooled myself into thinking I was better than everyone else even I thought I was treating them with respect. Which led to what is known in psychology as "stinking thinking". If I thought I was better than everyone else than I could do things better than everyone else. This was a very wrong thought pattern. I wasn't better than anyone I just fooled myself into thinking so.

I am working on being honest and humble. The first step in my honesty is to be honest with myself. If I cannot be honest with myself than there is no hope. I have finally admitted I am powerless to gambling and it has caused my life to become unmanageable. This is my first step in honesty and recovery. Secondly, I have been humbled, humiliated and mortified by my actions. I know there are dire consequences to my actions but it is not the end of the world. I am working to be the person I am meant to be and with the support of my family, friends and Gamblers Anonymous I will accomplish this one day at a time.

Lastly, I have read so much on compulsive gambling in the past seven months and have met so many people who have been affected by this disease. It is amazing to me how much of myself I see in all of these people. It doesn't matter if they are young, old, male or female each one of the stories I can relate to and I take something away each time. The question on everyone's mind when they enter Gamblers Anonymous is "how do I stop gambling". First Step; is to admit we are powerless to gambling and our lives have become unmanageable. Many people including myself have problems with this first step; however; without honestly answering this question gambling will continue to cause problems in your life. I have admitted honestly I have a problem and I am powerless to gambling and I am embracing the Gamblers Anonymous Program because without them my life would be over. There is life after gambling and this life is worth living because even though I have no money I am richer now more than I have ever been in my life.

Tough Night

When I was gambling there was only one person who knew and I would commiserate with them because there was no one else either one of us could tell about our gambling exploits. We would share the bad beats and good wins. Toward the end it was just bad and I think we both became robots, immune to the feelings of winning and losing. I bring this up because each morning we would email each other and discuss the night before action and many of the emails were titled "Tough Night". Well "tough night" now has a new meaning for me. Last night we had one of those terrible thunderstorms move through the area and living in Southern California I have gotten spoiled with the nice weather so anytime the weather goes bad it seems very bad. I am sure it is all relative but last night was a tough night for the children.

Around 1:00 am there was a flash of lightening and a clap of thunder. My wife looked up and low and behold my daughter had "morphed" into our bedroom. Neither my wife nor I heard her come into the room and as my daughter gently tapped my wife as she lay sleeping my wife jumped up extremely startled. She would make a good cat burglar, so very quiet!! Of course we invited her to stay in our bed because the storm was just starting. About twenty minutes later our door flew open and yes, my son came to join us. He startled us in a different way because he was so loud!! Two children and yes, they even look alike but they certainly have different personalities.

A few minutes after my son joined us the power went on and off and for some reason our pool filter turned on. I got up and went outside in the rain, thunder and lightening and turned off the pool filter. Now it is about 2:00 am and all four us were in our bed, thank God we have a king size mattress! The storm was still going strong with very brilliant lighting and very loud thunder. It lasted for another hour and I think all of us fell asleep around 3:30 am. Being a school day the children had to be up around 7:15 and it was 7:45 when they finally got out of bed. Needless to say it was a tough night for everyone. My daughter is very tired and tried to take a nap this afternoon but she couldn't. Hopefully she will be in bed very early this evening.

My wife received a fantastic report on my daughter this afternoon from her teacher. My daughter's teacher asked my wife if she could give my daughter more math homework because she feels Lauren isn't being challenged enough. She went on to say Lauren is one of her top students. I know all parents are proud or their children and it really doesn't matter to me whether my daughter is the top or bottom student as long as she is happy and treats people with respect. My daughter is very happy and is very respectful and it is also nice to know she is intelligent. I have been blessed with a fantastic family.

I don't know why I do this to myself but I get emails on gambling, compulsive gambling and embezzlement. Today was particularly harsh because in one of the email newspaper stories regarding embezzlement there was a sentencing and a quote from the convicted person's former employer; here is the story. The quote which haunts me is by this lady's former employer; "The insurance agency and property company lost a lot of money; many people lost their trust; friendships have been ruined, and Blachly has ruined her life." It doesn't appear this case involved compulsive gambling but I feel terrible when I read things like this because I know my former employer feels the same way. In fact I have already received the "you have ruined your life" quote from my former employer.

Yes, I have ruined my life and the lives of my wife and children but my life is far from over and no matter what happens in the future my life has gotten better because I have stopped gambling and met some magnificent people. In addition to the stopping of gambling my life has a sense of purpose. I don't just exist from day to day I live from day to day. There is a difference between existing and living and for the first time in a very long time I choose to live.

Sensationalism?

It appears the tooth fairy was listening to my daughter when she remarked, "I hope I don't get another one dollar". The tooth fairy visited my daughter last night and left behind a fifty cent piece the one with John F. Kennedy on the front. My daughter came running into our bedroom early this morning and with those bright eyes proclaimed, "the tooth fairy came and I didn't get a one dollar, I got a half dollar". She was so excited to have the shiny half dollar that she promptly showed it to my wife and me. My son (of course he has to get into the act!) was in our bedroom at the same time as my daughter and wanted to see the half dollar and he told his sister he was happy she got a fifty cent piece instead of a one dollar. Children, what was life like without them? Frankly I don't remember and I do know it is so much more fulfilling now more than it has ever been.

Does the media sensationalize most stories? I think the easy answer is yes. Sensationalism like sex sells. Read this headline then read the entire story. Is this really the case or is it just more sensationalism? It appears this lady will receive four years of incarceration and 11 years of being on the watchful eye of the state of Wisconsin. I find it interesting that the judge actually referred most embezzlements to gambling and drug addictions along with some type of family crisis. I am still thinking about the lady from Wisconsin who embezzled $520,000 and received ten years. It seemed to me she was going to be in prison for ten years even though she had no prior arrests and had a compulsive gambling addiction. I guess justice is arbitrary and it really does depend on the judge.

Here is another story from Australia. Every three weeks one person commits suicide due to a compulsive gambling addiction. This also doesn't take into account those that have tried to commit suicide due to their gambling addiction but failed. I have not seen a study like this published in the United States. There is a great deal of money in legalized gambling in the United States and these corporations and tribes are very powerful so we may never see a study like this performed in this country.

How many people have been to Las Vegas and watched the local news and seen a suicide reported? I can tell you I lived there for 8 years and I can remember one such incident and that involved a shooting in a casino which led the gunman to kill themselves. This happened in broad daylight so it was very difficult to sensor it. Even the local newspaper in Las Vegas doesn't report these suicides and if they do they are on page 12 or 13 not the front page.

I worked for three hotels and casinos in Las Vegas covering 8 years and I know of at least a dozen suicides and many more attempted suicides either due to gambling or alcohol. It is a lethal combination of gambling and alcohol and mix in desperation and you have the very dark side of gambling. Even though all of this was swirling around me I never took the opportunity to look at myself and see the destruction I was also doing.

Denial is a very strong emotion and some people chose to live it in their entire lives. I on the other hand have finally broken down my wall of denial and I am living in honest self-awareness. I can be the person I am intended to be not the fraud I turned into, with openness and honest self-awareness the true purpose of my life is being achieved one day at a time.

Meetings Make It

There is a saying in Gamblers Anonymous "meetings make it". This is very simplistic statement and yet it is so profound. A thirty year Gamblers Anonymous member told me the GA program is a simple program for complicated people. He is so right and the "meetings make it" couldn't have been more right for this evening's meeting. Our regular Sunday meeting was locked out of our regular meeting room. Apparently some one changed the locks but forgot to pass along a key. Not to be deterred one of our members suggested a restaurant across the way. The restaurant was kind enough to let us hold the meeting. We had our usual group but even though the setting was different the meeting certainly made it.

In fact this was probably the fastest (in terms of time) GA meeting I have attended in my six months and three weeks yet it was still effective. As is always the case I felt better after the meeting than I felt before the meeting. It is a very simple program but it has been a Godsend for me. I am FINALLY taking a hard look at myself and I thank GA for this without them I would be totally lost.

I know Gamblers Anonymous is not for everyone nor are two step programs but it is working for me. Honesty and having an open mind have really opened my eyes, ears and all the other senses in finding my true character. Yes, gambling has ruined my life but NOT gambling is saving it. There are no lost souls only souls that are lost. I lost my soul somewhere over the past twenty years and I am slowly finding it thanks to fellowship of Gamblers Anonymous.

As I finished this evening's blog entry my daughter came running out of her bedroom and said, "Daddy look!!" as she pointed to her mouth. I looked into her mouth and I saw one of her loose teeth dangling by a thread with a little blood trickling out of the gum. I moved her into the bathroom and told her to rinse with water and as she rinsed with water I asked her if she wanted me to pull the tooth out? She instantly said no and continued to rinse and pull at her tooth. After about two minutes of rinsing and pulling the tooth came out, her blue eyes lit up like candles, she was ecstatic. Of course while my daughter was rinsing and pulling her tooth my son had to join in. He said Lauren scared him and wanted to see what was going on. He watched her pull out the tooth and said, "now Lauren (my daughter his sister) is going to be bigger than me." I guess a four year old's view of his older sister losing her 8th tooth means she is going to be taller than him when they grow up?? Kids do say the darndest things.

We put my daughter's tooth in the special little tooth box so the Tooth Fairy could take it away during the night. My daughter expressed her concern with receiving "one dollar" from the tooth fairy because this is what she has received the past 6 times (the first time was a "five dollar"). She wasn't looking for more money just a variety of money. She said she would rather have a quarter than a "one dollar". After calming my daughter down I went into my son's bedroom to tuck him back into bed. He told me; "now Lauren is going to be so PROUD she lost her tooth," it is fascinating to hear a four year old use the term proud correctly. After saying this he went on to say, "I am so PROUD of Lauren." My children are so amazing and the perspective they bring to my life is incredible, I love them so very much.

Fascination

My gambling fascination actually started two years earlier than my first trip to Atlantic City. My father did like to gamble when I was younger but he never got into trouble like I have and in fact I would say he was very controlled with his gambling. My gambling was never controlled even though I fooled myself into thinking it was. It took over 20 years to admit to this but hey it is never too late. Getting back to my initial fascination with gambling; I was a freshman in high school and it was late in the school year when my father bought home a pocket computer for handicapping horse races. This was almost 27 years ago and no one had a computer in their home. This pocket computer resembled a calculator and slide rule but it acted just like computer. One of the many drawbacks of this pocket calculator was the small buttons and all of the horse race information had to be input through these small buttons. It would take about an hour or two to input all of the necessary information into this computer and when all of the information was input the computer would give its top four picks for that one race.

I saw my Dad using this device and I asked him about it. He showed me how it worked and I instantly volunteered to do all of the input. I was fascinated by the numbers. I have always been fascinated by numbers ever since I was a little kid maybe this is why I became an accountant. No, this is not the real reason for being an accountant. I was thinking about going to Law School early on in college and I took an accounting class which came very easy. Not many classes came easy for me and I didn't like the prospect of attending three more years at Law School after graduating college so I changed my major to accounting. Sorry about the digression but I have many thoughts running through my mind and need to get them out. Getting back to the horse race handicapping computer and for some reason I think it was made by Mattel. Yes, the same Mattel that makes toys. I sat at the kitchen table for hours and programmed this little computer for my Father and at the time I really didn't think much about the gambling aspect. I enjoyed the tedious work of inputting the numbers and learned how to read a racing form.

I am sure the little handicapping computer didn't fare too well because I only remember a handful of times where I would assist my Dad with the information. Yes, the numbers, action and possibility of winning money fascinated me so very much but I didn't find myself at the racetrack every weekend. I didn't realize it at the time but I was building a foundation for my future gambling exploits.

I certainly do not blame my mother or father for introducing me to these gambling experiences. What has happened to me is my fault not the fault of my upbringing. For some reason my brain is hard wired differently than most people when it comes to gambling. I moved to Las Vegas to work in the gambling business not to be a gambler. I thought working in the business would be enough to keep me from gambling. On one hand I was right because I didn't want to be seen in a casino in Las Vegas because I worked there and that would be bad for my future career growth. It was when I discovered I could gamble on the internet in almost complete anonymity that started the downward spiral.

People gamble every day and there is the small percentage that gamble compulsively. I am part of this small percentage but I always thought I was better than those "average" gamblers and all I did was live in denial for all of my adult life. There is no longer denial, deceit or lying. I am finally being honest with myself for the first time in my life in regards to my compulsive gambling behaviors. Honesty is the key to my recovery and finding the true person I am meant to be. I am honest each day with those around me and myself. Through this honesty and not having gambling a part of my life makes each day that much better. Even though there are terrible circumstances surrounding my life which were caused by my gambling today is better than it was seven months ago. Seven months ago I was drowning in denial and today I am swimming in honesty.

Gambling Escapades

I was going to write about three recent embezzlement cases in Southern California but I decided to write more about my early gambling escapades. If anyone is interested in the embezzlement cases they can read more here; charity foundation and bookkeeper. The third case was one in my county and this woman was charged one month after I was charged. She pleaded guilty and her original sentence hearing was in June which got postponed to August which got postponed to today which got postponed to the end of October. Yes, I know this woman is a "criminal"; however; I cannot help but feel for her because she is still in prison and NOT getting any credit for time served until her case in finally sentenced. I don't know the particulars but I do know it is a high dollar amount. She has been in custody since April and even though she has pleaded guilty her time has not yet started. I am not sure if this fair but it is the only system of justice we have in this country.

On to my early gambling escapades; the first time I walked into a casino was Resorts International in Atlantic City and I was 15 years old. I remember being with my older sister and my mother. There may have been other people but please forgive me I don't remember anyone else. I am not sure why we went down to Atlantic City it was about a two hour drive from our house in New Jersey but I do remember I was extremely nervous entering the casino. Back then you had to be 18 to enter a casino and at 15 I could pass (quite easily) for 18 so there was no problem with gaining access to the casino but I was still very nervous. I did NOT gamble; we went there to check out the new casino and I think have dinner. I do remember being mesmerized at the casino with all the slot machines and table games. The slot machines had a very discernible hum and there were wads of cash flashed at the blackjack table. I think I was too nervous to actually gamble but something inside of me was awoken as we walked through the casino. I was instantly mesmerized by the atmosphere. I don't remember much else about that evening but I do remember feeling something I had not felt ever in my life.

One year later my Mother thought it would be an experience if she took me to Las Vegas. It was one week before my 17th birthday and my Mom and I fly out to Las Vegas for five days. We had (thank God still have these two magnificent friends) two friends who made an annual passage to Las Vegas yearly and they convinced my Mom to take me this year while they showed us around. I do remember driving down the strip with my Mother as we ventured to the Landmark Hotel. Even though Las Vegas has changed so much over the last 23 years driving down that strip was an amazing experience. The feeling I had in Atlantic City at Resorts International Casino was awoken again but this time the feeling was much more intense.

We arrived at the Landmark Hotel and our friends had checked us in already and much to our surprise we were in a suite in the high rise tower because they had given away our "regular" room. Here I am 16 years old in a suite in Las Vegas; isn't this the way it is supposed to be??? I do remember gambling on this trip but my Mother kept a close watch on me the entire time so there are no "crazy" stories. I do remember going to the Las Vegas Hilton to see Bill Cosby and while we were waiting for him to go on I told my mother I was going to play blackjack or I may have lied to my mother and told her I was going to the bathroom (it is so hard to keep things straight!!). But I went and played blackjack for all of FIVE minutes and I won $75; this is like winning a million dollars to a 16 year old. I know I did tell my mother I won the $75 and she was very excited as well. The feeling of being in Las Vegas and winning is such a toxic combination to a compulsive gambler in trainer. I thought this is how it was supposed to work but I really was enamored with the Casino Industry at this early age.

As we departed Las Vegas; I had such an incredible experience I swore I would be back. I was correct the following year on my 18th birthday I flew out to Las Vegas to join these same wonderful friends who were going to take me to the University of Southern California so I could start my freshmen year of college. I don't remember much about the Las Vegas leg of the trip but I do remember going to Palm Springs before going to Los Angeles. My friends gave me an incredible experience prior to my freshmen year and I will always cherish these memories. I will go more into the University of Southern California and Las Vegas connection at a later time. There are (at least I think) some good stories that can explain what has happened to me over the years but you will have to come back to read those stories.

Encouragement

It is almost unbelievable how much encouragement I have in my life from some very special people. The words of encouragement have come from many people and I consider these people my good friends. Additionally, the encouragement I garner from my immediate family on a daily basis is incredible.

It started last evening when I decided to send an email to a former business associate telling them about my new business. I have been wanting to do this for a number of weeks; however; I have been putting it off. I realized why I was putting it off and it goes back to my old bad character trait of fear of being rejected. I didn't realize how much I feared rejection. I always seemed to have the need to be liked; this was important to me. I would never create animosity and would always avoid confrontation. Why I am like this I am still working on but I am starting to realize many things about myself.

I sent the email off to this former business associate and five minutes later I received a phone call. Yes, it was this person and we talked for awhile. Please keep in mind this is the first time we have spoke in six months. We talked about my new business, how our families were doing and about my particular situation. People can be very surprising; for the most part people respond in a positive and encouraging manner and yes, there are those nay sayers that no matter what I do will always be negative but that is their loss not mine. This person was both positive and encouraging and when we finished our conversation I felt so much better. My fear of rejection was unfounded because I am doing the right things and finally making the choices.

This morning I received a phone call from my younger sister. No matter how I feel before I speak with her I always feel better after speaking with her no matter what the circumstances. She has a way of uplifting my spirits and putting things in their proper perspective. We spoke for awhile and talked about our children and other assorted things nothing too deep but when the conversation was over she had done it again; my spirits were uplifted. I have said this before even though she is four years younger than me she is light years ahead of me in terms of wisdom. She is an incredible young woman.

I had a lunch meeting with two new very dear friends. No matter how bad the situation there is always something good that comes from it. These two people are the good that has come from my bad situation. I would have never met these two individuals had the events of the past six months not transpired and I would be a lesser person. I value each of these peoples friendship as I had known them for 25 years even though I only met them some six months ago. These are two wise individuals each unique in their own right. We had a great lunch and I always look forward to seeing each of them. Listening to their positive words helps me so very much and I am honored to call them my friends.

Finally, this evening was the beginning of the show Survivor. This happens to be my children's favorite television program. In fact this is the only show on television where we allow our children to watch from start to finish. My daughter first started watching it about four years ago when she was three. Each season she always looks forward to Thursday evening at 8:00 pm. Naturally her younger brother had to follow in her footsteps (this is what he does very well!!) and couldn't be left out. We also allow him to watch the show from start to finish. When the show started this evening both of my children were sitting with me on the recliner and my daughter remained there throughout the hour long program. It is amazing how much love I have and I feel for my children. There is no better feeling in the world than having my children by my side. I love them so very much.

Pain

The theme this week from the "A Day at a Time" Gamblers Anonymous daily reflection book is pain and how pain can be transformed into something positive. I would like to quote a passage from today's selection; "May I be grateful to humility; it is the processing plant through which my raw HURTS and DELUSIONS are refined into courage and sensitivities". Pain is an emotion I have felt for the past six months and although at times I try to channel this pain into positive imagery I keep falling backwards. Today was no exception as I came away from the attorney's office. It is a culmination of years of lying, deluding and fooling myself about my SERIOUS gambling problem.

Unfortunately for me I didn't realize how bad my gambling problem was until it ruined my life and the lives of my family. It is this pain that haunts me each and every day. Through the fantastic fellowship of Gamblers Anonymous I have learned so much about myself and continue to learn more each day. Humility is the cornerstone of my recovery and I am truly humbled by my actions.

When I was gambling there were no rules and I took advantage of those rules as deemed necessary. Was it necessary for me to do the things I have done and hurt my family in the process? Absolutely not; however; I cannot undo any of those things I can only try to become the person who has rules and obey those rules; and most importantly not cause any more pain to my family.

Is compulsive gambling a mental illness? There is much debate in this field and I would welcome any leader in the field of psychiatry to examine my case. How can a seemingly successful person with a beautiful family resort to the things I have done? The desire and need to place a wager on sports outweighed any consequence and I am truly sorry for my actions. Yes, it appears I am going into the pity party yet again but I do need to get these emotions out. In the past I would trap these emotions and not feel anything. It was as if I were a robot. I am not a robot I am a human being and human beings have feelings. My feelings are like the roller coaster at Disneyland; some times they are up, sometimes they are down and sometimes they go upside down. It is how I deal with these emotions especially the negative ones which will define me as a person and the fact that I am "feeling" these emotions is a good sign.

I was going through my email inbox this morning because business has a been a little slow this week and I decided to clean out the hundreds of messages. I came across two messages from two previous co-workers and wanted to share them because it is nice to know someone outside my family cares and especially those that I have worked with. The first one is short and comes from a very wise person whom I respect immensely and I had sent this person an email with my deepest apologies; here is there response; "This was very shocking news and really unbelievable......Thanks for writing as I was wondering about you, good luck to you in the future." The fact in which this person actually responded is amazing to me. I sent the letter of apology to 30 people and only 2 responded; it takes character to not be short sided and this person has a great deal of character.

The second email came from another intelligent person and it was a response to my apology letter and in the letter I was speaking about the serenity prayer; "Yes I know the serenity prayer and I try to live by it. I was raised by an alcoholic father. I know addiction although no one can ever understand. My definition of an addicted person is one who continues in behavior that hurts the ones he loves and he cannot stop. I know how very much you love your children. I believe that you are sorry. I believe that you are a good person. I believe that it is very hard but that you must be strong for your family. They need you now more than ever. Stay the course with your counseling and believe what they say. They know. There is a future for you." The third sentence sums up addiction so very well; "I know addiction although no one can ever understand." The hardest concept for me is understanding let alone people who haven't been affected by any addiction but it is for me to acknowledge my addiction and get the help necessary to get better. These words from my previous co-workers mean so much to me because yes, there is a future for me as long as I am doing the right things and I am doing those right things one day at a time.

Therapy

I was checking my email yesterday and received an email regarding a new blog. It is day 2 for this person in their battle against compulsive gambling. One of the the key ingredients in the battle against compulsive gambling is writing about your (my) compulsive gambling. Gamblers Anonymous talks about this concept and how it helps in recovery. It is good to see this person utililize their web log to chronicle their battle against compulsive gambling. I do hope this person keeps it up. On the website it says they are only 24; I must give them credit for recognizing their problem at an early age. I knew about my problem at this age but chose to ignore any type of therapy because I was better than that; I was so very wrong!! This person has an entire lifetime to live without gambling in their life and I know their life will be much better without the gambling. I wish this person nothing but the best and I hope they find another form of therapy because this is a horrible addiction and writing about it won't make it go away. Gamblers Anonymous works for me and it may not work for this person but I would encourage anyone to attend as many GA meetings as possible for the first 90 days. If they decide after 90 days GA is not for them then so be it but find something else.

Gambling has been in my thoughts for well over 65% of my life and this is a great deal to get "rid" of quickly. The fact of the matter is that it is not quick and anyone looking for a quick fix will have more problems battling this addiction. Slow and steady always win the race and slow and steady in recovery is the best recipe. I have seen so many new members come into Gamblers Anonymous and after 3 meetings they have all the answers. They all seem to say the right things but we never see them again. I don't know if they go back out gambling or they are at home writing the how to stop gambling manual. Seriously, it would be nice to know how these people are doing but there is no way of knowing. I do know the people in the fellowship are kind, caring and giving. They have saved my life and I am forever grateful. This does not mean I am done with Gamblers Anonymous and I am cured from gambling, far from it. I know I am one bet away from the insanity that is why I have not placed a bet today.

I came across a few other things on the internet and I wanted to share them. One of the leaders in problem gambling treatment South Oaks Hospital in Long Island, New York received a state (not federal because there is no money earmarked for problem gambling treatment at the federal level only certain states) grant for the PREVENTION and TREATMENT of compulsive gambling. South Oaks Hospital has a questionnaire that is administered to all problem gamblers and this questionnaires has been used for a very long time. Here is a questionnaire from 1992 that is still utilized today. When I received my certificate from the California Council on Problem Gambling to counsel problem gamblers we went over this questionnaire at length. It is good to see the grants are being issued to help with the prevention and treatment of problem gambling because the United States has a long way to go in this area.

Along the lines of problem gambling; I noticed the Venetian in Las Vegas has implemented a problem gambling program. Here is the link to this story. It seems the management at the Venetian's parent company (Las Vegas Sands) is very serious about this program. They sent upper management to Harvard to learn more about problem gambling. Harvard has one of the leading programs when it comes to compulsive gambling addiction and to read more about their program click here. It is so good to see the gaming companies take a proactive approach in this area; however; I do not understand why the Venetian does not have a voluntary exclusion program (as stated in the article). Most casinos have a voluntary exclusion program which means if you want to ban yourself from the casino you can. This means you cannot win a taxable (over $1199) jackpot if you have self excluded yourself from that casino. It doesn't stop you from gambling because some of the casinos are so big it is impossible to police people on this list. However; if you do win and you have excluded yourself you will not get paid. This type of program is like a band aid on a shark bite. It may stop the bleeding but eventually the wound must be treated. This treatment comes from institutions such as the South Oaks Hospital and Harvard.

What Really Matters

First off I must talk about my seven year old daughter and what a sweet child she has become. Yesterday morning she woke up at 6:30 and waited very patiently for one her parents to come downstairs so she could call her three grandparents. The reason why she wanted to call her three grandparents was to wish them a very Happy Grandparents Day!! Most people don't even know about this holiday and I suspect Hallmark invented this day as a means to boost card sales but that is neither here nor there. My daughter was reading one of her books on Saturday night and one of the chapters spoke about Grandparents Day. Then she went over to her calendar and noticed that Sunday was Grandparents Day. She asked us if she could call her grandparents on Sunday to wish them a very happy grandparents day and of course we said yes. What my wife and I didn't realize was how serious she was about making these phone calls hence her getting up so early on non-school day.

As I made my way downstairs I noticed both my daughter and son were not in their rooms and I heard the television on. The first thing my daughter asked me was if she could call her grandparents and I said of course because early mornings are more advantageous to us being on the West Coast as opposed to the opposite. My daughter proceeded to call each of her grandparents only to get their answering machine but she left a very sweet message on each of their answering machines. She did finally get a hold of one of her Grandmothers on her cell phone and they had a very nice conversation. Then within an hour the other two grandparents returned her call. What a sweet child she has become and I love her so very much. These are the things that matter most in the world not some idiotic wager on a sporting event.

Which brings me to my next point. This weekend marked the kickoff (if you will!) of the National Football League and the major college football games. In years past I would have a vested interest on too many games. Not so this year and it has been a long time since I can say this. Actually the last time I didn't have a wager on football game was 8 years ago. I really thought about my previous sportsbetting escapades and what an idiot I had become. I think I wrote about this before so I will be brief. The college and football games take place on the weekends and it was such a chore to get my bets in and not be noticed it really wasn't any fun but I still did it. How stupid is this concept?? I had to have a wager but I wouldn't even watch most of the games because I didn't want anyone to know I was gambling again. I did this for last 7 years!!!

The only time I felt relief was when all the bets were made which on the weekends was before 9:00 am Pacific time but the old knot in the stomach would return as the early games became finals and I had to start the craziness all over again. It really was a chore but I didn't view it this way when I was doing it. It would be something I thought I "had" to do. If this is not insanity I don't know what insanity is!!

I would check the scores during the day and I really had no idea how I was doing especially on a college football Saturdays with over 20 plus games wagered on. I would focus on a few key scores but I would never take time away from my family to watch the games for fear of being found out. I know this makes no sense to the general population and thank God for that. We don't need an entire population of compulsive gamblers because the world would have some upside down thinking. As the games went on this weekend I enjoyed my family and kept my eye on the things that really matter most which are my wife, daughter and son.

Fours Years Ago

September 11, 2001; it was a Tuesday morning and much like other Tuesday mornings I was at the gym for my morning workout before arriving at work. I usually got to the gym around 5:00 am so I could be at work by 8:00 am. I arrived at the gym at 5:15 am and proceeded with my workout. Around 5:50 am Pacific Time there was a strange murmur coming from the area by the televisions. Someone mentioned something about an airplane flying into the World Trade Center and I instantly thought to myself "Oh my God this is going to be bad". I made my way over to the televisions and watched the second plane crash into the other building at the World Trade Center. I continued my workout and watched the news trying to make sense of these events. I had heard about the plane crash in Pennsylvania and at the Pentagon. As I finished my workout and headed to the shower one gentleman mentioned something about a fifth airplane crash (which didn't turn out to be, thank God).

As I headed for work I called my wife at home and told her to turn on the news and she had already heard from her mother on the East Coast. I stopped at a local grocery store to pick-up a protein bar and some Gatorade and everyone was talking about the horrible tragedies. As I got to work someone mentioned the World Trade Center Buildings had collapsed; I couldn't believe what was happening.

I remember these events like they were yesterday; I guess this is my generation's "do you remember where you were when John F. Kennedy was shot?" because I remember all too well. The day at work was a blur and when I got home the television was tuned to the events of the day. I sat down with my then 3 and half year old daughter and told her today was a day that will live on in history forever. I know she didn't understand and I didn't want her to see the airplanes crashing into the World Trade Centers so we decided to switch the television off. My seven month old son was just crawling around the house.

My first "real" job out of college was for Deloitte Haskins & Sells in One World Trade Center. We had floors 94 through 102. I worked there for one year before moving on. My interview for them was at Windows on the World which was on the 110th floor. One World Trade Center was the second building to go down and it want down faster than the first. A brokerage firm had taken over the floors from Deloitte in 1993 when the first attack on the World Trade Center had happened and I believe 90% of the staff of this brokerage firm perished in the attacks. September 11, 2001 was a sad sad day in the history of the United States.

I had grown up in New Jersey about 20 miles from New York City and I know the New York skyline very well. I moved out of New Jersey 12 years ago and headed west but most of my family and my wife's family still resides there. I have been back to New Jersey a few times since 9/11/01 and every time we land at Newark Airport I look at the New York skyline and it looks naked without Twin Towers. It just isn't the same and I know a few people who had been directly affected by this tragedy. A very good friend of mine was due to get married in New York City 10 days after 9/11 and we were going to fly out for the wedding but I couldn't put my children on airplane so soon after the tragedies and we decided to cancel our trip. My friend did get married and now he has two lovely daughters so life does go on.

Amazingly life does go on even after a catastrophic event like 9/11 and hurricane Katrina. This country came together on 9/11/01 and everywhere you looked there was the American Flag. Now four years later there are only two people on our block displaying the American Flag and we are one of them. Does time heal all wounds or does it make people forget? My theory is time will go by no matter what and I better be doing something constructive with my life or I will forget. We as a country should never forget and we should be doing something constructive to ensure this horrible day never happens. Complacency breeds contempt and I think we as a country are becoming very complacent.

I pray to God we as country never have to go through another 9/11 but there are very bad people out there that hate this country and what this country stands for; these people will do anything to destroy us. Can we stop them? I certainly don't know but are we really doing the things necessary to protect our citizens? Again; I don't have the answers only questions. Is the war in Iraq necessary or are there more important domestic issues that should be attended to? Maybe but we need to ask these questions so we will always remember what happened four years ago.

Facing Reality

As I was leaving this morning to attend my Saturday Gamblers Anonymous meeting my daughter asked me where I was going. I told her I was going to a meeting like I have done so much in the past six months. She then asked me when I was going to STOP going to these meetings. I told her with the grace of God I will continue to go to these meetings the rest of my life. (I know this goes against the one day at a time concept I have relayed prior but trying to explain this to a seven year old may have been difficult so I tried to keep my answer as simple as possible.) My daughter then asked me if she could go? How sweet is this; she didn't care I was going to a GA meeting she wanted to be part of my life. I told her she might be bored at the meeting and she said, "I can bring a coloring book and some other things to do so I won't be bored". Again, how sweet is this?? I told her I took her to a meeting a few weeks ago along with her Mom and brother. (It was a GA birthday celebration and family members are welcomed to come.) She seemed okay with my answer of having her not attend the meeting but the simple fact she wanted to go with me certainly warms my heart.

It is these little moments which add up to a lifetime a pure goodness. My children and my wife are extraordinary individuals and I so love them very much.

After the GA meeting I went to the gym to try and do some running on the treadmill. I hurt my calf about 10 days ago running and haven't run since; I have only done cycling and weights in the meantime. The calf was feeling better but I decided to take it as slow as I could. As I was walking (a rarity for me!) on the treadmill one of the regular runner ladies came over to me and asked me; "did you hurt your knee or hip?" Not did you hurt your knee or hip because she could see how I was laboring on the treadmill. I explained my malady in my calf and she told me about the problem she had in her hip caused by running. (See what you non-runners are missing!!) Oh the bond we runners have; it is either a knee sprain, hip flexor, calf issue or foot problem but we can all relate on some level.

After this conversation I continued to walk on the treadmill because there wasn't any more pain in my calf and like I have written before I really want to run in the New York City Marathon in November. I may not run because my calf started hurting after I completed my 70 minute session. During my time on the treadmill I noticed out of the corner of my eye a person who is very dear to me and I haven't seen in over six months. I knew the time would come when I would see this person because we both belong to the same gym. I am not sure if this person saw me because they continued their workout. As I was walking on the treadmill and later on the elliptical machine I was pondering if I should go over to this person and offer an apology. I went back in forth in my head and what I really was afraid of was rejection. I really respect this person more so than anyone I have ever worked with in the past. This person is directly responsible for me coming to Southern California and I let this person down immeasurably.

I didn't want to face my reality and have him reject me to my face but I made up my mind after my session on the elliptical machine I would go over to this person and say I was sorry and if they didn't want to talk to me then so be it. I didn't get the chance because as I glanced up I saw this person walk out the front door and I didn't want to make a big scene and run after them. I guess I was a little chicken or I would have ended my workout a little earlier and approach this person. Yes, I do feel horrible for what I have done to so many people who trusted me and believed in me. My reality is that I let them all down. I betrayed many of these people with my actions and I apologize. Yes, it is so much easier to do this in this forum but it is a starting point.

I spend each day trying to make amends for my actions and each day there is no betrayal of anyone including myself. I am finally doing the right things and making the right decisions. Out of every negative situation comes a positive and I have discovered so many of those positives in the past six months and for this I am so grateful.

Rehabilitation

This question was posed earlier today to me; "what am I going to use as my "medication" when I go away?" It is a fascinating question and one I was thinking about just last night. All of the research I have done on the California Prison System says nothing about having a Gamblers Anonymous program and certainly when I was in the County facility there wasn't anything available as well. I certainly don't want to get ahead of myself; however; it is something I really must think about. If I go away for a number of years and there is no GA available it will be very difficult to continue my recovery. One of the cornerstones of my recovery is GA and I do know California has a program for Alcoholics and Drug Addicts but not Compulsive Gamblers. Maybe it is time to start a program.

Yes, all crimes should have punishment but isn't the goal rehabilitation especially with the non-violent offenders? Why is there a special program for alcoholics and drug addicts when there isn't any for compulsive gamblers? I think I know; not too many people can understand the addiction to gambling because it goes back to the theory of "why don't you just stop". Wouldn't this theory work on drug addicts and alcoholics? Yet there are state mandated programs to help these addicts but not compulsive gamblers. Is it because drugs and alcohol are substances and gambling is not? Maybe but read this article and tell me these people weren't hooked on the "substance" of gambling? Yes, as the article states the vast majority of people do not get hooked on gambling much like drugs and alcohol; however; again there are grants available for drug and alcohol dependencies but not gambling.

I don't mean to get on my soap box but there seems to be a double standard. I have read case after case where a compulsive gambler commits a crime and the justice system does not understand. The American Psychiatric Association ("APA") declared "pathological gambling" to be an official "mental disorder." The disorder was published with a list of recognizable symptoms in its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual ("DSM"). (This information was taken from I Nelson Rose website; Mr. Rose is the world's foremost attorney when it comes to gambling; you can read more here.) Mr. Rose also goes on to say the law does not punish people for being ill and how can a compulsive gambler work to pay back the money when they are in prison? In this same article he talks about the United States' only gambling court which is in upstate New York. This is a fascinating approach and there has not been a repeat offender since the inception of the court. The same cannot be said for the drug and alcohol courts all throughout the country.

In my case when the time comes I hope to have a mechanism in place so I can continue my recovery. I know the California Prison System is going through many changes and hopefully one of them will include the Gamblers Anonymous program. I cannot worry about this because it is in the future and I must continue to concentrate on today and continue my recovery one day at a time.

Helplessness and Hopelessness

Over the past six months I have faithfully attended three and sometimes four Gamblers Anonymous meetings each week; however; this past week I missed my regular Sunday and Tuesday meetings. I missed the Sunday meeting because we were having a picnic for the Labor Holiday and Tuesday was the monthly business meeting for GA called Intergroup. Yes, this is a GA sponsored event; however; it is not like a regular meeting because only "business" issues of Gamblers Anonymous were discussed. I have been feeling the effects of not attending a GA meeting and didn't want to wait until Saturday for the next meeting so I decided to drive about 40 minutes south to the Thursday GA meeting. I am so glad I did this.

I was hoping to surprise my sponsor because I know he goes to this meeting regularly but for some reason he was not there. I did know most of the members from other GA meetings and functions and I felt very comfortable. The theme of the meeting was helplessness and hopelessness and how you don't have to have these feelings. Let me digress for a little; in Gamblers Anonymous we read from a book called "A Day at Time" and in this book there are daily readings. It is amazing how this book knows my thoughts often. Today was no exception with the theme of helplessness and hopelessness. I was feeling very down because it was a court session today and yes, nothing happened I am scheduled to go back in mid October. Things should start to move (I hope?) then but until that time all I have is today. Also, for those of you keeping score at home I did find out what the filing was over a month ago (sort of). It really is much ado about nothing just some repositioning of paperwork.

Sorry about the digression; the GA meeting was just what I needed. It is amazing to me how much better I feel after spending an hour with people who have the same addiction. I have said this before; we all have different stories and different types of gambling; however; the underlying theme is the same gambling controlled all us and now we are seeking our lives back. It really is a very simple program and it has taught me so much in the past six months and I continue to learn each and every time I attend a meeting. We have a saying in GA "meetings make it" and it is so right. After five days of not attending meetings and having the court situation on my mind I needed my medication (GA meeting) and it certainly did the trick.

The meeting was quick but it was so powerful with this theme of how we all were (or still are) hopeless and helpless when we were gambling and the problems caused by gambling. It doesn't have to be this way because their is always hope. Without hope comes despair and with despair comes destructive and sometimes self-destructive thinking. No matter the situation and how bad I think it is there is so much hope which surrounds me. I need to be more mindful of this hope and stop the self pity. I am not hopeless nor am I helpless. I haven't made a bet in over six months and didn't make one today which seems to get easier as each day passes. The hard part is living with the destruction my gambling has caused my family. Dwelling on this old behavior will serve no purpose; changing this behavior will serve a purpose and no matter what happens or what the courts decide I am truly a better person. I will continue each and every day to be this better person.

The Internet

There are good things and bad things associated with the internet. One of the good things is the amount of information there is available on just about any subject (this could also be a bad thing depending on your point of view). Also; you can communicate with people whom you may never ever had a chance of reaching. Today I read an editorial regarding the casinos that are going into Pennsylvania. Calling them casinos is a little bit of a misnomer because these casinos will only have video devices. I don't know if they will be strictly video poker or a combination of slots, video lottery terminals, etc.. Here is the editorial I read click here. It is a fascinating editorial because the writer's point of view is so strong. I sent an email to the writer of the article commending his stance and he replied to me with his 43 page proposal for the Pennsylvania Gaming Control Board on how to make casinos "safer".

As it turns out I read through some of this report and it really isn't too bad. At first I thought he was opposed to casinos as a religious issue. Not so; he is a compulsive gambler that lost his family and his business to the casinos in Atlantic City. He wrote a book called "Comped" and his name is Bill Kearney. By the way if anyone is interested please email me and I will send out the report. He pointed out in this report on how casino executives aren't allowed to gamble in their own facility and Atlantic City takes it a step further stating they cannot gamble in any casino in Atlantic City. He found this to be a very "peculiar" rule.

When I was doing the interview for the Al Roker production on compulsive gambling the producer asked me this same question and I really couldn't come up with a good answer. I didn't think the Casino Gaming Control Boards or Gaming Commissions were "protecting" their employees by not allowing them to participate in gambling on their own property. I always thought it was a perception standard to keep employees from cheating or colluding with one another. I still believe this to be the case; however; there maybe a snippet of truth to the earlier point of not having the casino employees engaged in the activity of gambling as a way of protecting them. There is another however, casino employees are more susceptible to become compulsive gamblers than any other sector. I think this is fascinating because when I look at myself I always thought I was better and smarter than everyone else even when the signs of compulsive gambling were all around me. I would never truly look at myself and say I was a compulsive gambler I thought I could do it better than the whole world. Oh how wrong I was!!

Maybe being in the casino business had something to do with my years of denial. How could I be a compulsive gambler when I would see the signs in other people so clearly yet I couldn't look at myself. Only when the crap hit the fan did I finally succumb to the fact that I am and will always be a compulsive gambler. My self deception was so deep I had to have a building fall on me to finally realize I was delusional. Now I am no longer delusional I am finally doing something about it and no it is not too late no matter what happens to me I am breaking the chains of my compulsive gambling and most importantly I am being truthful with myself.

Difficulties

I wouldn't be truthful and honest if I didn't say how emotionally draining my situation has become. My situation is nothing like those unfortunate people on the Gulf Coast and in no way should I make a comparison. What they are going through was caused by a natural disaster and their lives have been forever changed. What I did was caused by me and I am getting what I deserve.

I would like the uncertainty to become certainty but this takes time. I don't know if it will be six weeks, six months or six years so all I have is today. Living in limbo is no fun. I am trying to make the best of everything and I am cherishing every moment with my family because I don't know how many more of these moments I have left.

Anyone out there with a gambling problem or think they have a gambling problem please take an honest look at yourself. No one can change you only you can change you. Here is the Gamblers Anonymous link to the 20 questions. Answer these questions honestly and I know this will be difficult because I fooled myself for 20 plus years. If you do answer these questions honestly and realize you are a compulsive gambler get help. Go to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting here is the national schedule of GA meetings if the GA meetings don't seem to work find something else. Here is the link for the internet group I belong to which helps compulsive gamblers recover. Please find something before it gets totally out of control.

Life is so much better without gambling and without deceit. Honesty is certainly the best policy but the honesty has to start with yourself. I should know because I was NOT honest with myself for such a long period of time. Yes, compulsive gambling is a disease of the mind. This does not mean you cannot have a normal productive life. I need my medication (which is not prescription medication it is Gamblers Anonymous, writing this blog, my family and a number of other things and most importantly HONESTY) to continue on the road to recovery. Yes, the road is rocky and it is not easy to navigate; however; given the right map and proper directions the journey will be filled with limitless possibilities.

Moments

Life is filled with moments and there are so many I have taken for granted but one of the things I have learned in these past six months is to take nothing for granted especially life's little moments. Take today for instance the children were off from school due to the holiday and my son spent the entire day with his new found best friend which happens to be our neighbor and this new best friend's cousin. The three of them played for awhile at my neighbor's house then around 11:30 am they came back over our house and asked to go swimming. Of course they could go swimming and it was fantastic to see these three young boys get along so well. My son is 4, his friend is 5 and his friend's cousin is 9. They played as only boys can play which is very hard all afternoon. Also one of the side effects from playing so hard is these boys can eat. I think we served them two lunches and two snacks in three hours!!!

After swimming the three boys went back to our neighbor's house and played some more. My son's friend was so tired he decided to take a nap at 5:00 pm but my son kept on playing with his friend's cousin. It is amazes me how well my son does with older children especially boys. He idolizes his oldest "boy" cousin even though they live 3,000 miles apart and 8 years separates their ages. It doesn't matter to my son as long as he is being entertained by these older boys, he is so happy. Another amazing fact is we have lived in our house for four years the same as my neighbor and only in the past few months have our sons gotten together. They are fast friends and this friendship also helps both parents by alleviating some of the entertaining. I love watching how these little boys interact and it these little moments that make life so special.

As my son was playing with his new friends I did feel a little sorry for my daughter. She really doesn't have anyone in the neighborhood her age that can drop by the house like my son's friend. In order for her friends to come over to the house a play date must be arranged that is mutually agreed upon by the mothers. My daughter does have plenty of friends; however; it is not as spontaneous as her brother's friend. I did feel for her because she seemed a little out of sorts with all the boys playing in the pool. She did relent and went in the swimming pool (much to her better judgment!) for a few hours this afternoon and she even played with the boys (again much to her better judgment). She did appear to have fun although she tried to hide it afterall these were boys and she is 7 years old and really wants nothing to do with them. Too bad this thought doesn't last her entire life!! I am sure her teenage years would be much more enjoyable!!

I did share another moment with my daughter this evening as she read here Junie B Jones book to me before bedtime. The story was about teachers and my daughter stopped reading and told me in such a matter of fact tone; "when I was little (probably last year!) I thought teachers lived in school but now I know they live in houses just like us". I did ask her about her Grandmother who is a teacher and she has been to her house so many times; "you know Grandma is a teacher and you have been to her house so why wouldn't other teachers live in a house?" She replied Grandma is a Grandma and a teacher so I thought Grandma's lived in houses but not MY teachers but now I know teachers do live in houses". Then she turned the page in her book and kept on reading. Oh these moments are so special and I do love these children so very much.

The clarity I have gained in the past six months is immeasurable. I don't know why it took me so long but whatever happens I know I am taking the proper steps and getting in touch with my true self. May God bless my family because God has certainly blessed me in so many ways.

New Orleans

The first time I went to New Orleans was in 1993. I spent two weeks in the greater New Orleans area on business and my wife flew down to meet me over Labor Day weekend. We made a long weekend seeing the sites of New Orleans and had a fabulous time. We went into a bar on Bourbon Street during happy hour (which I think is all the time in New Orleans!!) and I asked for a beer and the bartender ask me if I wanted 3 or 6 beers? I said I want one but the bartender said all of the drinks were 3 for 1 meaning I couldn't just buy one beer I had to buy 3 beers!! Only in New Orleans. It was a very eye opening trip and my wife and I saw the stately manors surrounding New Orleans. It is just unimaginable how all of this is virtually gone. How can a major metropolitan city be destroyed? It appears most of the citizens of New Orleans have been evacuated (finally) and now this grand city is a ghost town.

After visiting New Orleans in 1993 I had gone there three other times all on business. I had a tour of the New Orleans and the greater New Orleans area by one of my former employers. Two gentlemen showed me around lower Louisiana over the course of two days. In fact I am currently wearing a shirt from that particular trip in 1997. Most of where they took me has been devastated beyond belief. Imagine waking up one morning and having your house and all of your possessions gone. Also; your employer is no longer in business meaning you have no job. How does one keep up hope? I don't know the answer to this but without hope there is only despair and despair breeds bad things. Hope does spring eternal and I pray for all of those effected by this horrific situation that they find hope, may God bless them.

One of my friends spoke with the amazing lady from Slidell as she made her way back to where her house was. They found a tree had toppled over into the house along with 8 feet of water. The house has been destroyed much like every other house in Slidell. She was able to get some mementos and she plans on going back in a few weeks to see what else she can salvage. She is staying in Baton Rouge with many other displaced families. Life will not seem "normal" again for a long long time but I know she has the strength and hope to endure this terrible dilemma.

The population in Baton Rouge has doubled over the past two days and getting essentials is very difficult. Starting over for all of these people is an understatement, some folks only have the clothes on their back and nothing more. Please I know I have stated this before we are all humans and we should help those in need. The people in Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama need all the help they can get; here is the Red Cross site once again; please give what you can, thank you.