With such a fast day on Monday, Tuesday morning rolled around so quickly. I did get up early and exercised since I missed yesterday. I stayed with my normal routine. I felt so good, and comparing it to last Tuesday, I was a full seven minutes ahead of last week. Some days are better than others, and today was one of those good ones.
Breakfast was a peanut-butter-ladened feast as I spread it all over the pancakes (which were the best tasting I have had since arriving here over two months ago) and oatmeal. It seems the food is changing for the better in the dining hall. I do know the food clerk fairly well, and he has informed me of the changes. He was the one who told me about the comment by the C/O the other day). My diet is so limited that the changes really don’t affect me, but it seems even the oatmeal has flavor as brown sugar has been added.
There weren’t any fire calls today, so it was a day on the grade with the regular captain who returned from vacation. The regular captain is a very nice man, but he lacks energy. It is amazing how this lack of energy is transferred to the crew. I was affected by it as well. I found myself lethargic at first and had to constantly motivate myself. I found myself saying negative things, and I had to stop myself. No matter what, energies when dealing with a group setting are contagious in both the negative and positive. I will take positive any day, and I have to check myself from getting negative. The odd fact is the regular captain is not a negative person but he isn’t a positive person. I believe it is his low energy which translates into a negative. It seems not being positive has the same effect as being negative, and I saw it in myself and the crew members today.
The assignment for today was creating a fuel break in a densely wooded area. The idea was to clear about 150 feet of vegetation from the roadside while creating a park-like setting. Essentially, our crew along with two other crews was pruning tress and bushes. My task was to move the cut trees and bushes into a pile along with a separate pile of stacks and stacks of firewood along the side of the road. I’m sure the homeowners will help themselves to the firewood. This appears to be a lengthy project as there is a great deal of area to cut. The great part about our crew is we do work together very well. The area was on a slop3, and the best way to pile up the cut brush was to form a chain between crew members. These are great guys I work with. In fact, everyone I have met a camp is a great guy. I am so impressed with everyone, and I believe everyone should treat these “convicts”, of which I am certainly one, with respect. The lady we passed yesterday at the fire thanked us for the hard work. She may or may not have known we were convicts, but in the end, this did not matter because we are all people. I do believe everyone comes from a very spiritual place, and we hare having a human experience. With that stated, I am fortunate to be associated with outstanding humans.
The day wrapped up but not before the captain asked another crew member and me how much time we have remaining on our sentences. I told him I have seven months remaining, and it seems he is planning ahead as some crew members will be departing soon. I have no aspirations of moving up in the hook line order as I am content with being on a Macleod. I don’t want to learn how to operate a chainsaw, and I will leave this to somebody more deserving. There are guys here who enjoy being a firefighter (not that I don’t), and these guys can pursue a career in firefighting. Even with a conviction on their record, they can rise to the rank of captain. I believe this has happened several times already. I believe this is a great opportunity for anyone. I cannot see myself being a wild land firefighter, but I am enjoying the experience. This experience continues to teach me so much, and I will leave here having learned so many valuable lessons. Also, I know I have much to learn and won’t stop learning when I am long gone from this place. I am grateful for the opportunity, and I continue to meet extraordinary people.
We arrived back at camp 10 minutes later than usual. Then 10 minutes is really not that much, but when there is a schedule to maintain, 10 minutes means something. I had plenty of time to shower prior to dinner, and I even had time to pick up the books my wonderful sister sent me. She sent me “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne and “Harry Potter and the Deadly Hallows” by J. K. Rowling. I have been waiting for both of these books, and now they are here. I’ve never read more than one book at a time (I’m not sure why), but I may have to start reading these books in addition to the one I am currently reading (“Armageddon”). I was so excited to receive these books. Thank you so much sister!
Just like that, the second day of the work week had come to an end. I cannot believe how fast these nights go. It seems I get back from the grade, shower, eat, receive mail, write, and it is time to go to sleep. I am grateful that the time is going by so fast. I remember back in Jamestown where I could write the blog and back to any of the letters I received the same day. Now, there are some days where I don’t have the time to write the blog let alone write a letter. Hopefully, this doesn’t come across like complaining because I certainly am not. In fact, I love when the day goes by in the blink of an eye. I do have plenty of time on the weekends to read and write, which is the way it should be. The week is reserved for work, and tomorrow’s hump day is also starting another month. I’m all for closing out one month while starting another month because this means I am that much closer to rejoining my family on a full-time basis. Time moves on, and this is a blessing in my life.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
First Local Fire
The fire alarm sounded yesterday afternoon, and three crews (none of which were my crew) went off to a local fire. Normally, these fire alarms for the local fires are false alarms, so I didn’t pay much attention as the crews departed. Also, since my crew has so many more fire hours than the other crews, I thought my crew would remain in camp for awhile. Yesterday afternoon went on, and the crews did not return. I came to find out that the fire was located in the same town where I used to live. I was given the address, and thankfully, it wasn’t near a densely populated residential area. There are a few rolling hills in the town and still some undeveloped area, which is where I thought the fire was located.
The rest of yesterday (Sunday) was very uneventful. I had dinner in the dining hall, and with the three crews out, there was plenty of room. Additionally, the camp was very quiet. It is usually quiet when all the crews are in camp, but now with three crews missing, it was extremely quiet. I stayed outside enjoying the sunset. I was talking with a few other inmates and came to find out that the C/O who gave me so many problems when I first arrived here regarding the family visit actually suggested to add more rice and beans for the “skinny guy who runs all the time.” Incidentally, now this C/O is extremely cordial every time I am seen. I was shocked to find this out, and it was a very pleasant shock. In fact, I was touched. I was touched because I did not request any of this, yet the C/O has gone out of his way to ensure I am getting enough food. I continue to be amazed as to how well everything is working out. There are only positive energies in my life.
I went to sleep after starting the 11th installment of the “Left Behind” series, “Armageddon” (Thanks Mom). Thankfully, each book starts with the ending of the previous installment because I did forget where I left off but was reminded very well. As I went to sleep, I was thinking about how it was the start of another new work week and one month (July) will be concluding this week. Time does go by quickly. I fell asleep and had my usual night’s sleep. I do my best to wake up at 5:00 a.m. so I can start my day. Invariably, almost every day I am awake before this, and today was no exception. As I stayed in my bed, I heard the voice of a C/O coming from the end of the hall. This never happens, and it is highly unusual. I wondered why the C/O (the same one I referred to earlier) chose to have a conversation with an inmate at 4:30 in the morning. The conversation continued, but strangely, the C/O kept walking down the hall. About three rooms before my room, I heard the words “fire call”. Now this made sense, and the C/O was waking all of my crew members up so we could respond to a fire call. Of course, my first reaction was I would miss my Monday morning run, but I wasn’t devastated. My roommate did have a good quote as the C/O woke him up, “Are you sure you have the right crew?” This was a very valid question because none of expected to respond to a fire call at 4:30 in the morning. Yes, they did have the right crew, and as it turns out, we were to relieve one of the crews which departed yesterday for the local. This would be my first local fire, and I would have the opportunity to see where the fire was located.
The fire calls are very interesting because there is a great deal of hurrying accompanied by a great deal of waiting. I hurried to get dressed and was one of the first inmates ready (mostly due to the fact I was already awake while many of my crew members were sleeping). My sleeping patterns do make me a good “get-ready” firefighter because I never seem to be in a deep sleep. I went outside and discovered we were going to be fed breakfast before we departed. Apparently, there was no hurry, and we all went to breakfast at 5:00 a.m. We had what is called a “fire breakfast.” There was a ridiculous amount of food on the tray. I don’t know anyone who ate all of the food on the tray. I ate the very tasty granola along with the hash browns. I couldn’t give away the eggs or chicken. I must say the State of California does provide ample calories when fighting a fire. I discovered that the state provides 5000 calories per day when fighting a fire. This was told to me by our captain, and this number could even be low because sometimes we are given double lunches.
Breakfast was over, and we boarded the fire bus. Upon entering the fire bus, we were given a sack lunch which, once again, had a ridiculous amount of food. I always look for the protein bars and was happy to discover a “Tiger’s Milk” protein bar which I used to eat all the time. Before entering the bus, I did put on my fire-protective clothing. The ride to the fire wasn’t very long, only 45 minutes, and when we reached the area, I did know it fairly well. The fire area was only seven miles from where my house was located. This area was an open area, but there were a few residential houses located nearby. The fire was essentially out when my crew arrived as the other crews did work through the night containing the fire.
We finally received our assignment after a two-hour wait. As we were en route to the assignment area, I could hear someone call out form a nearby car, “Thank you for saving our homes. You guys did a great job.” This was incredibly nice, and although my crew hadn’t done any work up to this point, the comment was directed at all the firefighters, both professional and inmates, who had worked to contain the fire. This is a rewarding job, and people do appreciate the hard work the firefighters put in. I was touched by the comment.
This was my third wildfire, and just like the two previous fires, the first thing I noticed was the smell and then the blackened wild land. The smell is remarkable, and even though the fire was out, the smell hung in the air. The fire wasn’t very big (190 acres), and fortunately, no one was injured and no structures were destroyed. Our assignment was to walk the burned area looking for hot spots. I have done this before, and when a hot spot is discovered, we are requested to rake the area exposing the hot spot. If the hot spot is extremely hot and ignites, a hose line is called in, and the area is doused with water. While walking on the burned area, I could feel the heat emanating from the ground, and I have to be careful not to stand in one place too long or my boots will melt. This task was complete, and a few hose lines were called in. I did get in a minimal hike and wanted to go higher on the hill, but this portion was covered by another crew.
Most of our work was done by lunchtime, so we found some shade to eat our lunches. We were given another lunch when we arrived at the fire, and I think this lunch contained 5000 calories, itself. There were two rather large sandwiches (ham & cheese and Tuna & cheddar) which I couldn’t even give away. I ate my usual PB&J sandwich, an apple, and a cereal bar. After lunch, our assignment was to remain in the shade and watch the fire line. The winds were supposed to pick up in the afternoon, and someone had to be there if somehow the fire started up again. The winds did pick up, but thankfully, the fire stayed dormant. We weren’t required to do anything until 3:00 p.m., so most of us (including me) took a nap under the trees. I slept for an hour and then got up to walk around. The captain was positioned up in the shade just watching the fire line. Again nothing happened, and when 3:00 p.m. arrived, our task was to pick up the fire hoses on the hill and all around the fire line. This gave me an opportunity to hike a little. Once again, I wanted to go higher on the hill, but one of the professional firefighters was there already. Oh well, I did walk back down with one of the hoses. I remember when I was a kid my father, who is a retired firefighter) would use a fire hose to fill up our swimming pool. I remember that this fire hose was very heavy. It seems things have changed in 35 years because these fire hoses (without water in them of course) are extremely light; either I have gotten stronger, or the hoses have gotten less heavy, or a combination of both. Anyhow, all the hoses were gathered up and rolled by the professional firefighters.
As we finished helping with the rolling of the hoses, our assignment was coming to an end. At this point, we were waiting around to be released from the fire. Of course, there was some waiting around as is always the case. We found the same tree-shaded area. Finally, word came we went back to the place where we waited in the morning for (you guessed it) more waiting. After 30 minutes, we were officially released from the fire and headed back to camp.
We arrived back at camp 14 hours from when the day officially started. The last course of action was the “fire dinner” to complete the ungodly amount of food. The “fire dinner” consisted of grilled steak and grilled chicken along with roasted potatoes, beans, salad, summer salad, ice cream, soda, chocolate bar, and a dinner roll. Everyone raved about the steak and chicken. I, of course, did give mine away and still had plenty to eat. This was the end to a very good Monday and a great start to the week.
The rest of yesterday (Sunday) was very uneventful. I had dinner in the dining hall, and with the three crews out, there was plenty of room. Additionally, the camp was very quiet. It is usually quiet when all the crews are in camp, but now with three crews missing, it was extremely quiet. I stayed outside enjoying the sunset. I was talking with a few other inmates and came to find out that the C/O who gave me so many problems when I first arrived here regarding the family visit actually suggested to add more rice and beans for the “skinny guy who runs all the time.” Incidentally, now this C/O is extremely cordial every time I am seen. I was shocked to find this out, and it was a very pleasant shock. In fact, I was touched. I was touched because I did not request any of this, yet the C/O has gone out of his way to ensure I am getting enough food. I continue to be amazed as to how well everything is working out. There are only positive energies in my life.
I went to sleep after starting the 11th installment of the “Left Behind” series, “Armageddon” (Thanks Mom). Thankfully, each book starts with the ending of the previous installment because I did forget where I left off but was reminded very well. As I went to sleep, I was thinking about how it was the start of another new work week and one month (July) will be concluding this week. Time does go by quickly. I fell asleep and had my usual night’s sleep. I do my best to wake up at 5:00 a.m. so I can start my day. Invariably, almost every day I am awake before this, and today was no exception. As I stayed in my bed, I heard the voice of a C/O coming from the end of the hall. This never happens, and it is highly unusual. I wondered why the C/O (the same one I referred to earlier) chose to have a conversation with an inmate at 4:30 in the morning. The conversation continued, but strangely, the C/O kept walking down the hall. About three rooms before my room, I heard the words “fire call”. Now this made sense, and the C/O was waking all of my crew members up so we could respond to a fire call. Of course, my first reaction was I would miss my Monday morning run, but I wasn’t devastated. My roommate did have a good quote as the C/O woke him up, “Are you sure you have the right crew?” This was a very valid question because none of expected to respond to a fire call at 4:30 in the morning. Yes, they did have the right crew, and as it turns out, we were to relieve one of the crews which departed yesterday for the local. This would be my first local fire, and I would have the opportunity to see where the fire was located.
The fire calls are very interesting because there is a great deal of hurrying accompanied by a great deal of waiting. I hurried to get dressed and was one of the first inmates ready (mostly due to the fact I was already awake while many of my crew members were sleeping). My sleeping patterns do make me a good “get-ready” firefighter because I never seem to be in a deep sleep. I went outside and discovered we were going to be fed breakfast before we departed. Apparently, there was no hurry, and we all went to breakfast at 5:00 a.m. We had what is called a “fire breakfast.” There was a ridiculous amount of food on the tray. I don’t know anyone who ate all of the food on the tray. I ate the very tasty granola along with the hash browns. I couldn’t give away the eggs or chicken. I must say the State of California does provide ample calories when fighting a fire. I discovered that the state provides 5000 calories per day when fighting a fire. This was told to me by our captain, and this number could even be low because sometimes we are given double lunches.
Breakfast was over, and we boarded the fire bus. Upon entering the fire bus, we were given a sack lunch which, once again, had a ridiculous amount of food. I always look for the protein bars and was happy to discover a “Tiger’s Milk” protein bar which I used to eat all the time. Before entering the bus, I did put on my fire-protective clothing. The ride to the fire wasn’t very long, only 45 minutes, and when we reached the area, I did know it fairly well. The fire area was only seven miles from where my house was located. This area was an open area, but there were a few residential houses located nearby. The fire was essentially out when my crew arrived as the other crews did work through the night containing the fire.
We finally received our assignment after a two-hour wait. As we were en route to the assignment area, I could hear someone call out form a nearby car, “Thank you for saving our homes. You guys did a great job.” This was incredibly nice, and although my crew hadn’t done any work up to this point, the comment was directed at all the firefighters, both professional and inmates, who had worked to contain the fire. This is a rewarding job, and people do appreciate the hard work the firefighters put in. I was touched by the comment.
This was my third wildfire, and just like the two previous fires, the first thing I noticed was the smell and then the blackened wild land. The smell is remarkable, and even though the fire was out, the smell hung in the air. The fire wasn’t very big (190 acres), and fortunately, no one was injured and no structures were destroyed. Our assignment was to walk the burned area looking for hot spots. I have done this before, and when a hot spot is discovered, we are requested to rake the area exposing the hot spot. If the hot spot is extremely hot and ignites, a hose line is called in, and the area is doused with water. While walking on the burned area, I could feel the heat emanating from the ground, and I have to be careful not to stand in one place too long or my boots will melt. This task was complete, and a few hose lines were called in. I did get in a minimal hike and wanted to go higher on the hill, but this portion was covered by another crew.
Most of our work was done by lunchtime, so we found some shade to eat our lunches. We were given another lunch when we arrived at the fire, and I think this lunch contained 5000 calories, itself. There were two rather large sandwiches (ham & cheese and Tuna & cheddar) which I couldn’t even give away. I ate my usual PB&J sandwich, an apple, and a cereal bar. After lunch, our assignment was to remain in the shade and watch the fire line. The winds were supposed to pick up in the afternoon, and someone had to be there if somehow the fire started up again. The winds did pick up, but thankfully, the fire stayed dormant. We weren’t required to do anything until 3:00 p.m., so most of us (including me) took a nap under the trees. I slept for an hour and then got up to walk around. The captain was positioned up in the shade just watching the fire line. Again nothing happened, and when 3:00 p.m. arrived, our task was to pick up the fire hoses on the hill and all around the fire line. This gave me an opportunity to hike a little. Once again, I wanted to go higher on the hill, but one of the professional firefighters was there already. Oh well, I did walk back down with one of the hoses. I remember when I was a kid my father, who is a retired firefighter) would use a fire hose to fill up our swimming pool. I remember that this fire hose was very heavy. It seems things have changed in 35 years because these fire hoses (without water in them of course) are extremely light; either I have gotten stronger, or the hoses have gotten less heavy, or a combination of both. Anyhow, all the hoses were gathered up and rolled by the professional firefighters.
As we finished helping with the rolling of the hoses, our assignment was coming to an end. At this point, we were waiting around to be released from the fire. Of course, there was some waiting around as is always the case. We found the same tree-shaded area. Finally, word came we went back to the place where we waited in the morning for (you guessed it) more waiting. After 30 minutes, we were officially released from the fire and headed back to camp.
We arrived back at camp 14 hours from when the day officially started. The last course of action was the “fire dinner” to complete the ungodly amount of food. The “fire dinner” consisted of grilled steak and grilled chicken along with roasted potatoes, beans, salad, summer salad, ice cream, soda, chocolate bar, and a dinner roll. Everyone raved about the steak and chicken. I, of course, did give mine away and still had plenty to eat. This was the end to a very good Monday and a great start to the week.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Full Table
I look forward to the GA meeting/visit so much. Today we held another installment of this meeting. I took my usual perch at 8:30 am when the visiting yard opens. I was stationed at an area where I could see everyone who was coming in. I noticed 3 of my dear friends entering. Normally there are 4 or 5 who come so I was hoping nothing happened to my other friends. My name was announced over the PA system and I made my way down to the visiting area. I reached the visiting area and saw a table filled with 7 of my dear friends from GA. I was blown away by the love and support from these wonderful people. Two members who I haven’t seen before arriving in prison were at the meeting. It was great to see them as well as everyone else. These are great people doing remarkable things and these touch my life in so many different ways.
I greeted everyone with a warm embrace. I could feel the love emanating from each one of them as I entered the visiting yard. As we hugged, I could feel the love from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head. They come with so much food; they could have fed the entire camp. The food is wonderful and the fact that they were here working the essence of the GA Program meant the most to me. Step 5 of the Unity Program states “Gamblers Anonymous has but one primary purpose – to carry its message to the compulsive gambler who still suffers.” My cherished friends were doing just this. They brought the Program to me and I am forever grateful for each and everyone of them.
The meeting commenced and the words are so powerful. I have been given an opportunity to truly change my life and 2 years and 5 months into this Program, everything continues to get better. This morning was incredible and there is no doubt in my mind that the Program works if you work it and it never fails I always learn something at every meeting. There were so many things stated and each of them rang true. Sure I kind of stood out in my orange garb, but I was just like everyone else – a compulsive gambler in recovery.
As always it was a fantastic way to spend a Sunday. The meeting/visit lasted 1 ½ hours and did want everyone to stay all day (yes, I was being selfish, so sorry) but I understand everyone has lives to lead. I was extremely grateful for the meeting and I love everyone. I love the GA Program because it saves and enhances my life everyday. Without the Program, I would be lost but now I have discovered a great life which is to live one day at a time. I would like to accelerate those days in order to reach March 2nd but this is not possible. I will continue to enjoy each and everyday. Today was one of the exceptional days all thanks to my beloved friends.
The meeting/visit came to an end and my dear friends departed. I walked back to camp with a broad smile on my face. It was just one week ago that I made this walk as my family departed for the final time. The week did pass soon enough and as the GA Combo Book states, “BE PATIENT! The days and weeks will pass soon enough and as you regularly attend meetings, abstain from gambling and follow the guidelines on this page, you will experience continued recovery.” I am experiencing this continuing recovery all thanks to the GA Program and the incredible people within the Program!
I greeted everyone with a warm embrace. I could feel the love emanating from each one of them as I entered the visiting yard. As we hugged, I could feel the love from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head. They come with so much food; they could have fed the entire camp. The food is wonderful and the fact that they were here working the essence of the GA Program meant the most to me. Step 5 of the Unity Program states “Gamblers Anonymous has but one primary purpose – to carry its message to the compulsive gambler who still suffers.” My cherished friends were doing just this. They brought the Program to me and I am forever grateful for each and everyone of them.
The meeting commenced and the words are so powerful. I have been given an opportunity to truly change my life and 2 years and 5 months into this Program, everything continues to get better. This morning was incredible and there is no doubt in my mind that the Program works if you work it and it never fails I always learn something at every meeting. There were so many things stated and each of them rang true. Sure I kind of stood out in my orange garb, but I was just like everyone else – a compulsive gambler in recovery.
As always it was a fantastic way to spend a Sunday. The meeting/visit lasted 1 ½ hours and did want everyone to stay all day (yes, I was being selfish, so sorry) but I understand everyone has lives to lead. I was extremely grateful for the meeting and I love everyone. I love the GA Program because it saves and enhances my life everyday. Without the Program, I would be lost but now I have discovered a great life which is to live one day at a time. I would like to accelerate those days in order to reach March 2nd but this is not possible. I will continue to enjoy each and everyday. Today was one of the exceptional days all thanks to my beloved friends.
The meeting/visit came to an end and my dear friends departed. I walked back to camp with a broad smile on my face. It was just one week ago that I made this walk as my family departed for the final time. The week did pass soon enough and as the GA Combo Book states, “BE PATIENT! The days and weeks will pass soon enough and as you regularly attend meetings, abstain from gambling and follow the guidelines on this page, you will experience continued recovery.” I am experiencing this continuing recovery all thanks to the GA Program and the incredible people within the Program!
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Saturday Hike
I have heard about these Saturday hikes since I arrived here 2 months ago. I have been unable to go on any of these because I have had visits. However, today I was not expecting anyone as my dear friends from GA are coming tomorrow for the GA meeting. Essentially I had a free day and was looking forward to the hike which commenced a few minutes after breakfast. The hike was guided by one of the Fire Captains – a different one. Instead of leading the hike, the Captain let each of us go at our own pace. This is different from a regular crew hike and much like the nature hike my crew took a month and a half ago. Some of the guys wore their backpacks which I did not. I really didn’t want to go into the bus and retrieve it which is all the way in the back. Also, I was looking forward to a hike without a backpack because I had not been on this particular hike. I have been on part of it but the Captain reversed the direction for a higher degree of difficulty.
I started out slow as some of the guys went into a jog. I remained behind one of the guys I know who was wearing his backpack. About halfway through the hike, I decided to pass him because I was approaching part of the hike I was familiar with. I couldn’t catch up to one of the guys who went into a full jog but was the second to arrive at the bottom. Hiking is extremely different from running or jogging. Some of the inclines cause me to breathe very heavily. I rarely do this when I am running. Sometimes while hiking, I get too caught up in my heavy breathing and I must learn to relax. Also, some of the terrain is treacherous along with being hard on my quadriceps. It was a very good hike. Not quite one “hike of the century” but a good addition to my workout. Earlier this morning, I did an hour and 20 minutes on the Harvard Wall. I only did this amount because I knew I would be hiking. I am in no way the best hiker in camp, but I do okay for a 41-year-old career accountant who weighs 145 pounds.
I am glad I went on the hike because it was a great way to spend an hour on a Saturday morning. The views were magnificent and I was communing with nature. Upon my arrival back to camp, I needed a shower as I was very sweaty. I was required to wear my long pants and long shirt along with my boots on the hike. The temperature was in the upper 80’s so I did work-up a good sweat. After the shower I commenced my Saturday letter writing session. This is another great way to spend a Saturday. In between my letter writing, I called y wife once again to speak with my children. My children sounded great and they are living very normal lives. Both my daughter and son are very much looking forward to their Jamaican trip next week. They depart very early (5:00 am) Wednesday morning and will be there until Monday. I wished them a great time and I can’t wait to hear all about it. Just as when I spoke with my wife last night, after hearing my children’s voices, I missed them so much. I won’t see them until next March but I do know they are in great hands and will have an incredible time in NJ as they are surrounded by nothing but love and support. I am a blessed person and these blessings are absolutely wonderful.
I started out slow as some of the guys went into a jog. I remained behind one of the guys I know who was wearing his backpack. About halfway through the hike, I decided to pass him because I was approaching part of the hike I was familiar with. I couldn’t catch up to one of the guys who went into a full jog but was the second to arrive at the bottom. Hiking is extremely different from running or jogging. Some of the inclines cause me to breathe very heavily. I rarely do this when I am running. Sometimes while hiking, I get too caught up in my heavy breathing and I must learn to relax. Also, some of the terrain is treacherous along with being hard on my quadriceps. It was a very good hike. Not quite one “hike of the century” but a good addition to my workout. Earlier this morning, I did an hour and 20 minutes on the Harvard Wall. I only did this amount because I knew I would be hiking. I am in no way the best hiker in camp, but I do okay for a 41-year-old career accountant who weighs 145 pounds.
I am glad I went on the hike because it was a great way to spend an hour on a Saturday morning. The views were magnificent and I was communing with nature. Upon my arrival back to camp, I needed a shower as I was very sweaty. I was required to wear my long pants and long shirt along with my boots on the hike. The temperature was in the upper 80’s so I did work-up a good sweat. After the shower I commenced my Saturday letter writing session. This is another great way to spend a Saturday. In between my letter writing, I called y wife once again to speak with my children. My children sounded great and they are living very normal lives. Both my daughter and son are very much looking forward to their Jamaican trip next week. They depart very early (5:00 am) Wednesday morning and will be there until Monday. I wished them a great time and I can’t wait to hear all about it. Just as when I spoke with my wife last night, after hearing my children’s voices, I missed them so much. I won’t see them until next March but I do know they are in great hands and will have an incredible time in NJ as they are surrounded by nothing but love and support. I am a blessed person and these blessings are absolutely wonderful.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Installing a Gate
The question is – how many inmates, firefighters, and Captains does it take to install a rather large heavy metal gate to protect the entrance of a Desert State Park? Answer: “Many.” The assignment today under a different Captain was to install a gate and put up barbed wire surrounding the gate. The hardest part about this was digging the holes for the gateposts. This was an entrance to a Desert State Park so the ground was very hard. It took a jackhammer to penetrate the dirt. I continue to be impressed by my crew members as one member exclusively operated his jack hammer to all morning into the afternoon. I know I wouldn’t stand a chance against this jack hammer as it would destroy me. My crew mate almost made it look easy which it certainly was not.
The holes were dug and it was time to pour the cement. I sort of kept out of the way because all of this was a learning experience for me. I fetched whatever was needed and kept the area cleared. With one hole about 4 foot – filled with concrete, we had another hole to go. However, we utilized our water supply and had to wait for a local fire engine truck to bring us the water as we were far from civilization. In the meantime there was plenty of work for everyone and my crew mates work very well as a team. Everyone pitched together and the project was moving along.
The engine truck arrived and we could mix the remaining bags of cement. The other hole was dug a little too deep so with the ingenuity of one of the Captains and a few crew members, the hole was sured up. I was very impressed to see this project complete. In the morning when we arrived there was a broken gate with damaged barbed wire. Now only 5 hours later, there was a brand new gate with fully functional wire. The crew did an exceptional job and although today’s Captain did not display the high energy of the previous Captain, the job was still accomplished. I could see a difference in myself under this Captain as opposed to the other one. I cannot depend on others for motivation and ultimately it is up to me to maintain high energy with a positive attitude. I have the positive attitude but I need to work on the high energy daily.
I don’t know what has gotten into me lately, but all this week I can’t keep my eyes open when riding on the bus. After only a few minutes, I seem to fall off to sleep (maybe my normal sleeping pattern is catching up to me). Instead of fighting this like I have in the past, I made an impromptu pillow – my fire gear bottoms – and laid my head against the side of the bus. I did find myself drooling which was a bit embarrassing. I don’t have anything to be embarrassed about because my crew members don’t care, but I guess this was my natural reaction. Anyhow, I managed to get about an hour’s worth of nap while riding on the bus. I did feel better when I got back into camp.
Tonight I had a telephone call to my wife who was back in NJ after spending two weeks in Southern Cal. Wow, that was fast. It seems just like yesterday I was looking forward to their arrival. Now they are already back in NJ. I did speak with my wife who was at my mother’s house celebrating my Grandmother’s 85th birthday. Happy Birthday, Gram! My wife added another day to her trip returning Thursday instead of Wednesday. This was a great idea because they all needed some decompression time from our visit. My wife was finally able to relax and go out with her dear friend. I have to take this opportunity to thank our dear friends who have helped me out and my family tremendously. They not only provided a place to stay for my family while they were here, but my wife was able to spend some alone time with her friend. Thank you so much for all the love and support. Also, it was wonderful seeing them last week as they came for a visit.
My family had a great trip and now my children will be going to Jamaica with my family next week. My wife will stay back in NJ and hopefully get much needed rest while the children are away. It was great to hear my wife’s voice and I did ask her if she would come back out just herself for a family visit in October or November. Our 15th wedding anniversary is in October and it would be great to see her on or around our actual anniversary. Another of our dear friends offered my wife a free airline ticket so her cost would be minimized. I told my wife to think about it and she will bet me know. I certainly miss her tremendously and having her back out here in 3 or 4 months would be great. If not – so be it. I will see her on March 2, 2008 in civilian clothes and we may even head to Starbuck’s on our way home.
The holes were dug and it was time to pour the cement. I sort of kept out of the way because all of this was a learning experience for me. I fetched whatever was needed and kept the area cleared. With one hole about 4 foot – filled with concrete, we had another hole to go. However, we utilized our water supply and had to wait for a local fire engine truck to bring us the water as we were far from civilization. In the meantime there was plenty of work for everyone and my crew mates work very well as a team. Everyone pitched together and the project was moving along.
The engine truck arrived and we could mix the remaining bags of cement. The other hole was dug a little too deep so with the ingenuity of one of the Captains and a few crew members, the hole was sured up. I was very impressed to see this project complete. In the morning when we arrived there was a broken gate with damaged barbed wire. Now only 5 hours later, there was a brand new gate with fully functional wire. The crew did an exceptional job and although today’s Captain did not display the high energy of the previous Captain, the job was still accomplished. I could see a difference in myself under this Captain as opposed to the other one. I cannot depend on others for motivation and ultimately it is up to me to maintain high energy with a positive attitude. I have the positive attitude but I need to work on the high energy daily.
I don’t know what has gotten into me lately, but all this week I can’t keep my eyes open when riding on the bus. After only a few minutes, I seem to fall off to sleep (maybe my normal sleeping pattern is catching up to me). Instead of fighting this like I have in the past, I made an impromptu pillow – my fire gear bottoms – and laid my head against the side of the bus. I did find myself drooling which was a bit embarrassing. I don’t have anything to be embarrassed about because my crew members don’t care, but I guess this was my natural reaction. Anyhow, I managed to get about an hour’s worth of nap while riding on the bus. I did feel better when I got back into camp.
Tonight I had a telephone call to my wife who was back in NJ after spending two weeks in Southern Cal. Wow, that was fast. It seems just like yesterday I was looking forward to their arrival. Now they are already back in NJ. I did speak with my wife who was at my mother’s house celebrating my Grandmother’s 85th birthday. Happy Birthday, Gram! My wife added another day to her trip returning Thursday instead of Wednesday. This was a great idea because they all needed some decompression time from our visit. My wife was finally able to relax and go out with her dear friend. I have to take this opportunity to thank our dear friends who have helped me out and my family tremendously. They not only provided a place to stay for my family while they were here, but my wife was able to spend some alone time with her friend. Thank you so much for all the love and support. Also, it was wonderful seeing them last week as they came for a visit.
My family had a great trip and now my children will be going to Jamaica with my family next week. My wife will stay back in NJ and hopefully get much needed rest while the children are away. It was great to hear my wife’s voice and I did ask her if she would come back out just herself for a family visit in October or November. Our 15th wedding anniversary is in October and it would be great to see her on or around our actual anniversary. Another of our dear friends offered my wife a free airline ticket so her cost would be minimized. I told my wife to think about it and she will bet me know. I certainly miss her tremendously and having her back out here in 3 or 4 months would be great. If not – so be it. I will see her on March 2, 2008 in civilian clothes and we may even head to Starbuck’s on our way home.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Three More Days
Today was a fascinating day out on the grade which means the crew’s project for the day. My crew once again had the very high energy replacement Captain. He displayed much of this as he took us through a fire readiness training day. He drove to the same site we have been at all week and we were in the same vicinity of the Oleander bushes. I clearly assumed we were going to cut down more bushes. This was not the case. As soon as we arrived at the destination, the Captain called out, “I want everyone in full gear and you have five minutes.” This surprised me and most of our crew members. It is fascinating how 15 men in a very close space can get fire reading in 5 minutes. There really isn’t much room to maneuver on the bus so some of us went outside to put on the gear. When it was all said and done, according to the Captain, our readiness was “pathetic”. It took well over the allotted 5 minutes and much closer to 8 minutes.
The Captain then inspected each and everyone of us. He proceeded to display his high energy as he went into a Vince Lombardi like tirade. The good thing about the tirade was it wasn’t directed at any of us. This was a collective tirade espousing how important it is to have all the proper equipment in all the proper places. I didn’t know any of this so it was a good learning experience for me. The Captain went on with his speech for a solid 20 minutes. This man was so passionate about what he was talking about, his face grew red and the veins in his neck bulged. It took well over an hour to go through the inspection. Yes, the temperature was well into the 90’s and I was standing out there in very heavy clothing along with a 40 plus backpack on my back. However, this is all a part of being an inmate/firefighter. As the Captain reiterated time and time again we are firefighters first and foremost. His mission is safety and I do feel safe with him leading the way on any fire campaigns. This Captain has been associated with a few tragedies and it was clear he learned a great deal from these experiences and was conveying this to the crew.
It was a fascinating morning because after the gear inspection, the Captain organized the inside of the bus. Instead of us cutting down Oleander bushes, the Captain took it upon himself to ensure we were fully prepared for a wildfire. He did mention something about a State Assembly Bill which was passed in 2002 that states that a person or persons leading firefighters is civility responsible for the safety of the crew. If something goes wrong on a fire and crew members are hurt, the Captain can be civilly sued for the mishap. This Captain took this bill very personally and he was doing everything in is power to ensure the crew knew what they were doing. This was very good to see and it was also great to see how much the Captain cared about his job. He has been doing this for over 30 years and instead of burning out – he cared very much.
Most of the day was rearranging and cleaning the bus. We headed back to camp and about 10 minutes from camp, the Captain stopped the bus in the middle of the road and called out, “Everyone, full gear and you have 5 minutes.” Once again there was a rush to get ready and the energy level this time was much higher than earlier in the morning. We did get ready in the 5 minute time span and the Captain complimented us. He is very passionate about what he does and it shows. I’m not sure how often we will have this Captain because our regular Captain comes back next week and new shifts change. Even if we don’t have the replacement Captain again, he has left a lasting impression with me.
When we arrived back in camp, I noticed the Counselor was here. She arrives every two weeks on Thursday and I was looking forward to seeing her so I could obtain my new official release date. Much to my surprise, my name was called to see her. The Counselor called me to the office to give me my arrival review. Much like in a regular job, the prison system has annual reviews. It is not as formal as job reviews that I have had in the past. In fact, it is quite anti-climatic. I was handed 2 sheets; one – a summary of my points which are now 0. I started out with 8 and each year the points are reduced by 8 points as long as the inmate remains discipline free. The other is a summary of what the review committee decided which is to reaffirm my current program meaning I stay at camp.
After this, I asked the counselor if she had my official release date. Unfortunately, it is not February 28th of next year, it is March 2nd. It is three more days than I figured and at first I was somewhat depressed. Oh well, the more I thought about it, the more I realized I am still saving 4 ½ months from my original release date of July 17, 2008. It is a positive thing that I will be released on March 2nd – a Sunday.
For my own edification, I sent a request to the records office for a recalculation of the release date. I’m sure it will be the same but I learned awhile ago not to take anything for granted and I won’t. March 2nd will be a glorious day, but in the meantime I will stay focused with a positive attitude. I hope to absorb some of the high energy which was displayed by the Captain. I am headed in the right direction and everything is truly working out for the best.
The Captain then inspected each and everyone of us. He proceeded to display his high energy as he went into a Vince Lombardi like tirade. The good thing about the tirade was it wasn’t directed at any of us. This was a collective tirade espousing how important it is to have all the proper equipment in all the proper places. I didn’t know any of this so it was a good learning experience for me. The Captain went on with his speech for a solid 20 minutes. This man was so passionate about what he was talking about, his face grew red and the veins in his neck bulged. It took well over an hour to go through the inspection. Yes, the temperature was well into the 90’s and I was standing out there in very heavy clothing along with a 40 plus backpack on my back. However, this is all a part of being an inmate/firefighter. As the Captain reiterated time and time again we are firefighters first and foremost. His mission is safety and I do feel safe with him leading the way on any fire campaigns. This Captain has been associated with a few tragedies and it was clear he learned a great deal from these experiences and was conveying this to the crew.
It was a fascinating morning because after the gear inspection, the Captain organized the inside of the bus. Instead of us cutting down Oleander bushes, the Captain took it upon himself to ensure we were fully prepared for a wildfire. He did mention something about a State Assembly Bill which was passed in 2002 that states that a person or persons leading firefighters is civility responsible for the safety of the crew. If something goes wrong on a fire and crew members are hurt, the Captain can be civilly sued for the mishap. This Captain took this bill very personally and he was doing everything in is power to ensure the crew knew what they were doing. This was very good to see and it was also great to see how much the Captain cared about his job. He has been doing this for over 30 years and instead of burning out – he cared very much.
Most of the day was rearranging and cleaning the bus. We headed back to camp and about 10 minutes from camp, the Captain stopped the bus in the middle of the road and called out, “Everyone, full gear and you have 5 minutes.” Once again there was a rush to get ready and the energy level this time was much higher than earlier in the morning. We did get ready in the 5 minute time span and the Captain complimented us. He is very passionate about what he does and it shows. I’m not sure how often we will have this Captain because our regular Captain comes back next week and new shifts change. Even if we don’t have the replacement Captain again, he has left a lasting impression with me.
When we arrived back in camp, I noticed the Counselor was here. She arrives every two weeks on Thursday and I was looking forward to seeing her so I could obtain my new official release date. Much to my surprise, my name was called to see her. The Counselor called me to the office to give me my arrival review. Much like in a regular job, the prison system has annual reviews. It is not as formal as job reviews that I have had in the past. In fact, it is quite anti-climatic. I was handed 2 sheets; one – a summary of my points which are now 0. I started out with 8 and each year the points are reduced by 8 points as long as the inmate remains discipline free. The other is a summary of what the review committee decided which is to reaffirm my current program meaning I stay at camp.
After this, I asked the counselor if she had my official release date. Unfortunately, it is not February 28th of next year, it is March 2nd. It is three more days than I figured and at first I was somewhat depressed. Oh well, the more I thought about it, the more I realized I am still saving 4 ½ months from my original release date of July 17, 2008. It is a positive thing that I will be released on March 2nd – a Sunday.
For my own edification, I sent a request to the records office for a recalculation of the release date. I’m sure it will be the same but I learned awhile ago not to take anything for granted and I won’t. March 2nd will be a glorious day, but in the meantime I will stay focused with a positive attitude. I hope to absorb some of the high energy which was displayed by the Captain. I am headed in the right direction and everything is truly working out for the best.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Oleander
The replacement captain said something very funny today. He was giving us fire safety training. Basically, the captain reiterated what my father had told me, “be aware at all times.” However, the captain, who has a very colorful tongue (talks like a sailor) added a few of his own adjectives such as, “most of you (we inmates) weren’t aware of your surroundings, which is why you got caught.” I have paraphrased him because I intentionally left out the colorful language, so the way he said it was much funnier. Anyhow, my father and he are so right because when fighting a wildfire or even in a grocery store, I have to be aware of my surroundings at all times. I have taken this a step further in my recovery because I must be aware of my surroundings and myself at all times.
Compulsive gambling is an insidious disease, and even though I have been in recovery for two years and five months, it still lives inside me and always will. This is why I must be aware at all times. Right now, it is relatively easy to work my recovery because I am not in the real world. I am in the real world of prison, but this is not my reality. My reality lies in the outside world with my incredible family. I know there will come a time in the not-so-distant future that life will get back to normal. The children will be growing, the demands of life will be on me, and life will be rolling along. Even under so-called “normal” conditions, I must stay aware of my recovery each and every day. I cannot let my guard down for one second because my disease is looking for any weakness to pounce. Once it pounces, life for me will be all over. I certainly don’t want this to happen which is why I practice the principles of the GA program each and every day. This saves my life each and every day and has taught me a much better way to live. I do love my life, and seeing my family last week has given me a huge boost. I know I am on the right track, and everything will be great.
Today, we went back to the same local area, but instead of weed whacking, we cut down oleander bushes. Oleander bushes are poisonous. They aren’t poisonous to the touch, but if their buds are ingested, it could be deadly. I remember first learning about these bushes when I lived in Las Vegas. I recall many of my friends having allergies to these bushes, and I vaguely remember the poison comments. Today, in keeping with the awareness of my surroundings, I wore my helmet, safety glasses, surgical mask, long-sleeved shirt, and gloves while I dragged the cut bushes across the road. It didn’t matter that the temperature was in the mid 90’s. What mattered is that my crew members and I kept safe. The captain emphasized the poison in the oleander bushes, and I stayed aware the whole day.
The work wasn’t very difficult, but it was very hot, especially in long sleeves, long pants, and gloves. It seems my sweat index has been working overtime ever since I came back from my family visit. I’m not sure why, but lately, I start sweating much sooner than I normally have. I have upped my water intake, but even with this, I must be aware. If I drink too much water in a very short timeframe, it is counterproductive. My system is very efficient and rids itself of any excess water. The captain made a good point in regard to staying hydrated. He told us a story that when he was a kid, he would hike in the middle of the day and would go for miles without any water. This has built his tolerance for water consumption over the years, and he does not need to consume as much water as other people with his height and weight. Once again, I related this to myself because, for a number of years, I wouldn’t carry a water bottle with me at the gym. I would go through some fairly intense cardio sessions without drinking any water. It was only a few years ago that I concerned myself with water intake, which is why I don’t require that much water. There are some crew members who drink gallons and gallons of water per day. This is great for them, but it doesn’t work for me. I try to drink about a gallon of water throughout the entire day, and I am in tune enough with my body to know if I am getting too much or too little water. Guidelines are great for almost everything, and the guidelines for water consumption do make sense; however, it all goes back to awareness. The awareness is to know your own body. I do know my own body, so my water consumption will be different than most others.
The day was another good and positive day all the way through. My attitude has gotten so much better over the past two months since arriving here, and I am so grateful. I once dreaded these grade projects. Now, I actually look forward to getting out of camp each and every day. The days are going fast. I do have my sights on the end of this journey, but in the meantime, I am embracing each and every day.
During the mail call, I received the monthly bulletin for GA. This was the July, 2007 edition. I had written a letter to the Bulletin, and this letter was published. I believe the letter bears repeating, and here it is:
This is Paul D. from the Temecula, California G.A. I have been a member of G.A. since February 28, 2005. In July of last year I was sentenced to four years in the California Prison System due to the crimes I committed to feed my gambling addiction. Thankfully, due to the G.A. Program, I have not placed a wager since. Today, 5 dear members of G.A., who are also dear friends, came to visit me, and we had a G.A. meeting. This was my first G.A. meeting since I was incarcerated last July. The meeting was wonderful. In fact, it was beyond wonderful.
My world was spinning out of control over 2 years ago when I entered the G.A. room for the first time. Now, 2 years later in spite of my surroundings my life continues to get better, and this is all thanks to G.A. and the incredible fellowship. Here I was sitting in the visiting area of a California prison with 5 people who were mere strangers over 2 years ago. Now, they are dear friends, and the Program continues to save my life every day. These friends wanted to make the meeting monthly, and I thought this was a good idea. The California Prison System does not have a G.A. meeting at the facility I reside in, and now I am able to attend a meeting on a monthly basis all thanks to my dear friends.
Miracles do exist, and the G.A. Program, along with the fantastic members, are miracles in my life. This morning we laughed, we cried, we hugged; but most of all the Program works 100%, and I cannot state this enough: the Program saves my life every day. Without G.A. in my life, I was a lost soul. Now, with G.A. in my life, I have found my soul, and my life is better than it has ever been. The Program works, and I love all the members in the fellowship. I will never be alone as long as I am part of G.A.
I would like to thank all the members who have given me nothing but love and support. Over 2 years ago, my life was a deep dark tunnel, and now there is a shimmering light at the end of that tunnel. Thank you everyone for guiding me towards the light in a positive manner.
Compulsive gambling is an insidious disease, and even though I have been in recovery for two years and five months, it still lives inside me and always will. This is why I must be aware at all times. Right now, it is relatively easy to work my recovery because I am not in the real world. I am in the real world of prison, but this is not my reality. My reality lies in the outside world with my incredible family. I know there will come a time in the not-so-distant future that life will get back to normal. The children will be growing, the demands of life will be on me, and life will be rolling along. Even under so-called “normal” conditions, I must stay aware of my recovery each and every day. I cannot let my guard down for one second because my disease is looking for any weakness to pounce. Once it pounces, life for me will be all over. I certainly don’t want this to happen which is why I practice the principles of the GA program each and every day. This saves my life each and every day and has taught me a much better way to live. I do love my life, and seeing my family last week has given me a huge boost. I know I am on the right track, and everything will be great.
Today, we went back to the same local area, but instead of weed whacking, we cut down oleander bushes. Oleander bushes are poisonous. They aren’t poisonous to the touch, but if their buds are ingested, it could be deadly. I remember first learning about these bushes when I lived in Las Vegas. I recall many of my friends having allergies to these bushes, and I vaguely remember the poison comments. Today, in keeping with the awareness of my surroundings, I wore my helmet, safety glasses, surgical mask, long-sleeved shirt, and gloves while I dragged the cut bushes across the road. It didn’t matter that the temperature was in the mid 90’s. What mattered is that my crew members and I kept safe. The captain emphasized the poison in the oleander bushes, and I stayed aware the whole day.
The work wasn’t very difficult, but it was very hot, especially in long sleeves, long pants, and gloves. It seems my sweat index has been working overtime ever since I came back from my family visit. I’m not sure why, but lately, I start sweating much sooner than I normally have. I have upped my water intake, but even with this, I must be aware. If I drink too much water in a very short timeframe, it is counterproductive. My system is very efficient and rids itself of any excess water. The captain made a good point in regard to staying hydrated. He told us a story that when he was a kid, he would hike in the middle of the day and would go for miles without any water. This has built his tolerance for water consumption over the years, and he does not need to consume as much water as other people with his height and weight. Once again, I related this to myself because, for a number of years, I wouldn’t carry a water bottle with me at the gym. I would go through some fairly intense cardio sessions without drinking any water. It was only a few years ago that I concerned myself with water intake, which is why I don’t require that much water. There are some crew members who drink gallons and gallons of water per day. This is great for them, but it doesn’t work for me. I try to drink about a gallon of water throughout the entire day, and I am in tune enough with my body to know if I am getting too much or too little water. Guidelines are great for almost everything, and the guidelines for water consumption do make sense; however, it all goes back to awareness. The awareness is to know your own body. I do know my own body, so my water consumption will be different than most others.
The day was another good and positive day all the way through. My attitude has gotten so much better over the past two months since arriving here, and I am so grateful. I once dreaded these grade projects. Now, I actually look forward to getting out of camp each and every day. The days are going fast. I do have my sights on the end of this journey, but in the meantime, I am embracing each and every day.
During the mail call, I received the monthly bulletin for GA. This was the July, 2007 edition. I had written a letter to the Bulletin, and this letter was published. I believe the letter bears repeating, and here it is:
This is Paul D. from the Temecula, California G.A. I have been a member of G.A. since February 28, 2005. In July of last year I was sentenced to four years in the California Prison System due to the crimes I committed to feed my gambling addiction. Thankfully, due to the G.A. Program, I have not placed a wager since. Today, 5 dear members of G.A., who are also dear friends, came to visit me, and we had a G.A. meeting. This was my first G.A. meeting since I was incarcerated last July. The meeting was wonderful. In fact, it was beyond wonderful.
My world was spinning out of control over 2 years ago when I entered the G.A. room for the first time. Now, 2 years later in spite of my surroundings my life continues to get better, and this is all thanks to G.A. and the incredible fellowship. Here I was sitting in the visiting area of a California prison with 5 people who were mere strangers over 2 years ago. Now, they are dear friends, and the Program continues to save my life every day. These friends wanted to make the meeting monthly, and I thought this was a good idea. The California Prison System does not have a G.A. meeting at the facility I reside in, and now I am able to attend a meeting on a monthly basis all thanks to my dear friends.
Miracles do exist, and the G.A. Program, along with the fantastic members, are miracles in my life. This morning we laughed, we cried, we hugged; but most of all the Program works 100%, and I cannot state this enough: the Program saves my life every day. Without G.A. in my life, I was a lost soul. Now, with G.A. in my life, I have found my soul, and my life is better than it has ever been. The Program works, and I love all the members in the fellowship. I will never be alone as long as I am part of G.A.
I would like to thank all the members who have given me nothing but love and support. Over 2 years ago, my life was a deep dark tunnel, and now there is a shimmering light at the end of that tunnel. Thank you everyone for guiding me towards the light in a positive manner.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Repeat & Rewind
I have been trying to come up with a new format for my daily rehashing, and today could be summed up in a very few words; repeat and rewind. This means it was identical to Monday (yesterday). My crew did the same thing (weed whack) as we did yesterday. We had the same replacement captain, and I really like this man. He knows what he is doing and gets the most out of the crew. I really shouldn’t compare him to any of the other captains because this would be as if I am taking inventory. I don’t mean to take inventory so I will tread lightly. This replacement captain has so much energy and all of it is positive as opposed to the low energy displayed by some of the other captains. Before reading The Power of Intention, I had an understanding of attitudes and energies; however, I never gave them much thought as high and low energies. Now, after reading the book, high energies, which are normally coupled with positive attitudes, are so much better than low energies, which come hand in hand with a negative attitude. In a group setting, the energies “trickle down” to everyone, and I could see this having an impact on me. Amazingly, the weed trimmer I used today never broke down. The string on an automatic bump feeder and worked the best I have ever seen. I was energized all day, and I don’t believe in coincidences. When I first arrived here, I received a weed trimmer that broke down constantly because my attitude was negative and my energy level was low. Strangely, the weed trimmer matched my energy. This may sound hokey, but I believe there is credence to all these matters. Today, my weed trimmer never broke down and worked perfectly. My attitude and energy levels stayed high all day. There really is something to The Power of Intention.
Sure, today was much like yesterday, but as long as I maintain a true positive attitude and high energy, it really doesn’t matter what happens during the course of the day. All the days can be the same for the next seven plus months, but as long as I keep the smile on my face and in my heart, everything will continue to work out for the very best. I enjoyed the infusion of high energy the replacement captain brought into the crew. I do know he is not our permanent captain, so ultimately, it is up to me to maintain my attitude and energy levels. There are outside influences every day in my life. Some of these influences are positive and some are negative. I must focus on the positive and disregard the negative. Negative energies are counterproductive to my recovery, which is why I focus in on the positive energies each and every day.
I’m sure the food was slightly different than yesterday, but no one seems to care about this, so I will disregard. I will say I won’t starve or be malnourished as there is enough food for me each and every day. Also, my sleeping patterns are basically the same every night, so I will conclude this brief passage now.
Sure, today was much like yesterday, but as long as I maintain a true positive attitude and high energy, it really doesn’t matter what happens during the course of the day. All the days can be the same for the next seven plus months, but as long as I keep the smile on my face and in my heart, everything will continue to work out for the very best. I enjoyed the infusion of high energy the replacement captain brought into the crew. I do know he is not our permanent captain, so ultimately, it is up to me to maintain my attitude and energy levels. There are outside influences every day in my life. Some of these influences are positive and some are negative. I must focus on the positive and disregard the negative. Negative energies are counterproductive to my recovery, which is why I focus in on the positive energies each and every day.
I’m sure the food was slightly different than yesterday, but no one seems to care about this, so I will disregard. I will say I won’t starve or be malnourished as there is enough food for me each and every day. Also, my sleeping patterns are basically the same every night, so I will conclude this brief passage now.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Smile On My Face
The visit with my family had come and gone so quietly. I had been looking forward to it for so long, and now it is all over. There is some sadness in their departure, but my goal was to have a smile on my face as they drove off along with the same smile as I went to sleep last night. I accomplished my goal as I smiled as they departed and smiled as I went to sleep. In between these two times, I kept myself occupied with writing, talking, and reading. Almost immediately upon returning to my room, I gathered my writing materials and headed off to the library. I didn’t want to disturb my friend/roommate because he was taking a nap. Also, I needed a change of venue to keep my mind occupied on something other than thinking about my family. I got on a very good writing roll while in the library and decided to write a few other letters. My grandmother turns 85 at the end of this week, so I composed a letter to her. Also today, a very good friend of mine celebrates a birthday, and I hadn’t written him in a while. Writing is certainly a great outlet for me and very therapeutic. I did keep my mind occupied, but I did have many thoughts about my wonderful family. All the thoughts I had were very positive, and I could lament the fact that I am not with them at this moment; however, this is impossible, and I have accepted my situation. I have an outdate, and when this outdate arrives, I will be with my family. Until that date, I will maintain a positive attitude along with a smile on my face. I have been blessed with such a wonderful family, and I won’t spoil it by feeling sorry for myself. Feeling sorry for myself does me no good and is counterproductive to my recovery. I am very happy for myself because I am a very fortunate person, and everything is working out perfectly.
I wrote all the way up until dinnertime, and I went and got my plain spaghetti along with green beans. Dinner was very uneventful, and afterwards, I finished up my writing. I did have a telephone call scheduled last night. I called my mother to report on the week’s visit with my family. Yes, as I told my mother, it was so hard to see them leave, but this is all part of the process. Unfortunately, I couldn’t put my son my pocket (as he requested) and take him back to my room. As much as I would have loved for them to stay, our visit was over. The next time see them I won’t be wearing all orange as I will be in civilian clothes. I do miss being “Dad”, but “Dad” time will come soon enough. My children are in great hands with my wife, and she will continue to do an amazing job with them providing stability. My children, and my wife for that matter, had not changed in one year, and I don’t expect them to change in the next seven months. My life is beautiful, and the beauty comes from my family. It was great to speak with my mother, and I will see her in less than two months when she comes to visit with my younger sister. I do have milestones to look forward to in the coming months which will help to pass the time. Also, my incredible friends from GA will reconvene the GA meeting this coming Sunday, which is also great. My weeks are filled with work, and my weekends are filled with visits. This is a great combination as the time passes quickly. Today marks the two-month point for me here at fire camp, and those two months have gone by quickly.
The very good telephone call was over, and I stayed outside and talked. Thankfully, this was a very positive discussion on taking personal responsibility for one’s own actions. There is an inmate here, for all intents and purposes, that was wrongly accused. He was convicted by a jury and is currently serving a sentence. This must be very difficult. In my own case, I caused all of this on myself and have taken responsibility for my actions; however, I have often thought about how I would react if I was wrongly accused. I cannot put myself in this inmate’s shoes because this is not the case for me. I can only guess, and I do know this inmate is doing a remarkable job accepting his current lot in life. As the “Power Of Intention” states, “Life is filled with random acts, and we are completely powerless to the Source.” Things happen, and I believe it is how I react that will determine my life. So far, so good as I continue my recovery and maintain a positive outlook. The conversation was very good and lasted until the sprinklers came on, which is our alarm to end the discussions. This was a very good way to pass the time.
I headed into my room where I started to read “Associates Devil”. I read a few pages before going to sleep, and before I went to sleep I kissed my bookmarkers. My wife gave me two bookmarkers my wife had given me with photographs of my daughter and son on them. I did have a smile on my face as I drifted off to sleep. Everything is all right and will continue to be great. My family means the world to me, and I will not disappoint them again.
My night’s sleep was the usual for me as I got up twice during the night. I got up once for the usual reason of going to the bathroom, but the second time was due to the fact I was warm. Thankfully, there is air conditioning inside the dorms. This air conditioner works very well; however, there is no moderation, either it is freezing or not. Last night, I started out freezing, but somehow during the night, it was hot. Anyhow, this morning rolled around, and it was back to my normal schedule; my “vacation” (amazingly, my last week felt like a vacation in prison) was over. I started this morning like many of the other Monday mornings in the past two months. I ran for almost 100 minutes. This morning was more humid than I have experienced since arriving here. It didn’t take long for me to achieve a sweat, but the run was very good. After the run, it was on to shower, dress, and off to breakfast.
Breakfast was over, and it was back to my room where I would boot up for the day. There appeared to be a full compliment of fire captains on duty so a lay-in was not in order. I didn’t want a lay-in because I wanted to go out of the camp. The regular fire captain for my crew was on vacation, but the replacement captain had worked with the crew on last week’s fire. I had heard reports about this captain and all were positive. These reports were dead on because watching and listening to this captain was very impressive. This fire captain has been around over 20 years but is in great shape. He has a very good personality, and more importantly, he has great conversation skills. He calls members of the crew by their first names, which is something that is unheard of in the prison system. This captain is extremely organized and has a very high energy level. There seems to be no comparison to the regular fire captain as he is somewhat unorganized and has no communication skills and very low energy. High energies are very infectious in a positive manner, and I could see the crew being motivated right before my eyes.
Today was a very good day on the grade all due to the new captain. Our assignment was very basic, weed-whack one the areas around a local aqueduct. We accomplished this task without any problems, and when we were done, we were done. This means the captain did not find another project to do even though we were finished about two hours ahead of schedule. At the end of the day, the captain even commended us for a job well done. I enjoyed watching his mannerisms, and it was good to see how much he enjoyed his job. The adage, “love what you do and do what you love” showed through in this fire captain. One person can make a difference, and this captain made a tremendous difference with the crew. I believe we will have him a few days a week and have the regular captain the other half of the week. I was extremely impressed by the replacement fire captain, and the day went by very quickly.
The replacement fire captain even checked us in a few minutes early, which has always been a point of contention in the past; however, the fire captain takes no guff from anyone, and we were checked in. After being checked in, it was on to the showers as I was very dirty, grimy, and sweaty from the weed-whacking task. By the way, my weed trimmer only jammed once during the day, which is very impressive for me! The shower felt great, and afterwards since we got back early, I had time to start writing, and I did. As I was writing, one of my crew members came into the dorm and reported the federal judge had agreed to institute a three-judge panel to put a cap on the prison population for the state of California. This crew member had just seen the news and visited to spread the word. This is all part of the prison overcrowding crisis, and presumably, is the decision that should have been rendered three weeks ago. Details of this are sketchy, but my guess is, barring any appeals by the State of California, the three-judge panel will institute a cap of X for the population of the inmates. This means some inmates/prisoners will be released early to reduce the number of inmates in the system. I don’t know how long it will take to establish the three-judge panel or how long it will take before any prisoners are released early. Someone had mentioned January of next year as being the starting point. I’m not sure if I am affected, but this is certainly good news. It would be wonderful to be able to share the birthdays of my children which occur in early February. I know my release date is February 28, 2008, but any day before this would be an extra blessing. I’m sure I will learn more about this decision as the days pass. I do have my eye on my actual release date, which is about seven months. This will pass soon enough, and I will be with my family with a big smile on my face.
I wrote all the way up until dinnertime, and I went and got my plain spaghetti along with green beans. Dinner was very uneventful, and afterwards, I finished up my writing. I did have a telephone call scheduled last night. I called my mother to report on the week’s visit with my family. Yes, as I told my mother, it was so hard to see them leave, but this is all part of the process. Unfortunately, I couldn’t put my son my pocket (as he requested) and take him back to my room. As much as I would have loved for them to stay, our visit was over. The next time see them I won’t be wearing all orange as I will be in civilian clothes. I do miss being “Dad”, but “Dad” time will come soon enough. My children are in great hands with my wife, and she will continue to do an amazing job with them providing stability. My children, and my wife for that matter, had not changed in one year, and I don’t expect them to change in the next seven months. My life is beautiful, and the beauty comes from my family. It was great to speak with my mother, and I will see her in less than two months when she comes to visit with my younger sister. I do have milestones to look forward to in the coming months which will help to pass the time. Also, my incredible friends from GA will reconvene the GA meeting this coming Sunday, which is also great. My weeks are filled with work, and my weekends are filled with visits. This is a great combination as the time passes quickly. Today marks the two-month point for me here at fire camp, and those two months have gone by quickly.
The very good telephone call was over, and I stayed outside and talked. Thankfully, this was a very positive discussion on taking personal responsibility for one’s own actions. There is an inmate here, for all intents and purposes, that was wrongly accused. He was convicted by a jury and is currently serving a sentence. This must be very difficult. In my own case, I caused all of this on myself and have taken responsibility for my actions; however, I have often thought about how I would react if I was wrongly accused. I cannot put myself in this inmate’s shoes because this is not the case for me. I can only guess, and I do know this inmate is doing a remarkable job accepting his current lot in life. As the “Power Of Intention” states, “Life is filled with random acts, and we are completely powerless to the Source.” Things happen, and I believe it is how I react that will determine my life. So far, so good as I continue my recovery and maintain a positive outlook. The conversation was very good and lasted until the sprinklers came on, which is our alarm to end the discussions. This was a very good way to pass the time.
I headed into my room where I started to read “Associates Devil”. I read a few pages before going to sleep, and before I went to sleep I kissed my bookmarkers. My wife gave me two bookmarkers my wife had given me with photographs of my daughter and son on them. I did have a smile on my face as I drifted off to sleep. Everything is all right and will continue to be great. My family means the world to me, and I will not disappoint them again.
My night’s sleep was the usual for me as I got up twice during the night. I got up once for the usual reason of going to the bathroom, but the second time was due to the fact I was warm. Thankfully, there is air conditioning inside the dorms. This air conditioner works very well; however, there is no moderation, either it is freezing or not. Last night, I started out freezing, but somehow during the night, it was hot. Anyhow, this morning rolled around, and it was back to my normal schedule; my “vacation” (amazingly, my last week felt like a vacation in prison) was over. I started this morning like many of the other Monday mornings in the past two months. I ran for almost 100 minutes. This morning was more humid than I have experienced since arriving here. It didn’t take long for me to achieve a sweat, but the run was very good. After the run, it was on to shower, dress, and off to breakfast.
Breakfast was over, and it was back to my room where I would boot up for the day. There appeared to be a full compliment of fire captains on duty so a lay-in was not in order. I didn’t want a lay-in because I wanted to go out of the camp. The regular fire captain for my crew was on vacation, but the replacement captain had worked with the crew on last week’s fire. I had heard reports about this captain and all were positive. These reports were dead on because watching and listening to this captain was very impressive. This fire captain has been around over 20 years but is in great shape. He has a very good personality, and more importantly, he has great conversation skills. He calls members of the crew by their first names, which is something that is unheard of in the prison system. This captain is extremely organized and has a very high energy level. There seems to be no comparison to the regular fire captain as he is somewhat unorganized and has no communication skills and very low energy. High energies are very infectious in a positive manner, and I could see the crew being motivated right before my eyes.
Today was a very good day on the grade all due to the new captain. Our assignment was very basic, weed-whack one the areas around a local aqueduct. We accomplished this task without any problems, and when we were done, we were done. This means the captain did not find another project to do even though we were finished about two hours ahead of schedule. At the end of the day, the captain even commended us for a job well done. I enjoyed watching his mannerisms, and it was good to see how much he enjoyed his job. The adage, “love what you do and do what you love” showed through in this fire captain. One person can make a difference, and this captain made a tremendous difference with the crew. I believe we will have him a few days a week and have the regular captain the other half of the week. I was extremely impressed by the replacement fire captain, and the day went by very quickly.
The replacement fire captain even checked us in a few minutes early, which has always been a point of contention in the past; however, the fire captain takes no guff from anyone, and we were checked in. After being checked in, it was on to the showers as I was very dirty, grimy, and sweaty from the weed-whacking task. By the way, my weed trimmer only jammed once during the day, which is very impressive for me! The shower felt great, and afterwards since we got back early, I had time to start writing, and I did. As I was writing, one of my crew members came into the dorm and reported the federal judge had agreed to institute a three-judge panel to put a cap on the prison population for the state of California. This crew member had just seen the news and visited to spread the word. This is all part of the prison overcrowding crisis, and presumably, is the decision that should have been rendered three weeks ago. Details of this are sketchy, but my guess is, barring any appeals by the State of California, the three-judge panel will institute a cap of X for the population of the inmates. This means some inmates/prisoners will be released early to reduce the number of inmates in the system. I don’t know how long it will take to establish the three-judge panel or how long it will take before any prisoners are released early. Someone had mentioned January of next year as being the starting point. I’m not sure if I am affected, but this is certainly good news. It would be wonderful to be able to share the birthdays of my children which occur in early February. I know my release date is February 28, 2008, but any day before this would be an extra blessing. I’m sure I will learn more about this decision as the days pass. I do have my eye on my actual release date, which is about seven months. This will pass soon enough, and I will be with my family with a big smile on my face.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
The Visit - Part 4 - and The Last Day
My crew came back last night and the dorm area along with my room was back to normal. I got filled in on the details of the week and it appears I missed the “hike of the century” on the Santa Barbara Fire. The first part of the week was very laid back as my crew didn’t do much other than cover the other fire camp. However, when they were diverted to Santa Barbara the one day they worked made up for the 7 days they did not.
Apparently, they hiked 6 miles up a fairly steep incline. One member from the other crew hurt his ankle on the rocky terrain and had to be brought to the nearest prison facility. Each of my crew members spoke about the hike with reverence in their voices and a small part of me would have liked to experience this hike. Make no mistake about it, I much rather had been with my family then on the hike and I know there will be other “hikes of the century” in my remaining time here. It was good to see everyone from my crew make it back safe and sound. Speaking of sound, the sounds were back in the dorm and the eerie silence was gone. I do not mind the sounds because they are comforting which means I am not alone. Every person on the crew is a good person and I have been very fortunate to have been placed with them.
After getting the details of the past week from several crew members, it was time to turn in for the night. I had mixed emotions about the next day because this would be the last day my family would be visiting with me. The saying goes, “All good things must come to an end” which when thinking about it, this is not exactly an optimistic thought. My good thing was not ending, it was just beginning because in a short period of time, we will all be together and it will be the best it has ever been.
I managed to fall asleep and had a dream about playing golf with my father at a golf course in NJ that we used to go to years ago. All I can remember is hitting a few golf shots and walking down the fairway with my father.
I waved off breakfast and waited for my wife to pull in. I walked down to the visiting center and as I approached, I spotted my family and right on queue, my little boy came running at me full speed ahead. He maybe small in stature, but he packs a great deal of power in his almost 4 foot frame. He ran toward me and I picked him up with a great big hug. My daughter was behind him and she was a bit more reserved. She is the more sensitive of the two and she knew today was the last day of the visit as there was an edge of concern on her face. Be that as it may, I did hug her mightily and stole many kisses throughout the day. I warmly greeted them and my children wasted no time running over to the swings and calling out to me to push them. These are great moments and after being on the swings, we played games of Uno and Monopoly prior to the arrival of our dear friends.
I was very happy to hear that our friends were coming today. This is where my family stayed for the past 2 weeks and I briefly got to see them when they dropped off and picked up my family for the family visit. They prepared a very special lunch – barbecue pizza. I have had a great deal of pizza in my life but not one prepared on a barbecue grill, especially one prepared in prison. Our friends came armed with all the fresh ingredients, but there were some things left at home. Our friends improvised so well as they used wood for the grill in addition to the charcoal. We borrowed a can of cooking oil from one of my fellow inmates. I was so impressed as to the lengths our dear friends went to prepare and cook this pizza. These are truly wonderful people, and in spite of all the obstacles in front of them, the pizza turned out excellent! It was the best tasting pizza I had in a very long time and still can’t believe it was made from scratch right in front of my eyes at the table.
They did have to leave to pick up their children and our game of Pictionary was interrupted. I believe I have written about this game in the past and our friends have a running joke about playing with me. You see I am a horrible drawer and would rather write a 1000 words than draw a picture. As our friends entered the visiting area, I spotted them carrying Pictionary and tried to convince the CO on duty that the game was prohibited in the visiting area. Unfortunately, he allowed the game to be brought in. Surprisingly, my team – the team of males – was actually far ahead of the females. We continued to play as our friends left. It was wonderful to see them and even though the visit was brief they are part of the many blessings in my life. I am truly surrounded by incredible people.
As we were playing, there was a minor meltdown between my son and daughter as my son didn’t want to draw one of the answers, but my daughter was making him. This caused my son to cry which caused my daughter to cry. My wife and I consoled them and their meltdown didn’t last that long. The children finally tired of Pictionary and went to play on the swings. My poor wife who has made this week extra special just wanted some alone time with me on the bench. Our time together was few and far between, but we did manage to hold one another as the visiting hours clicked down.
The visiting hours were coming to a close so I gave my son and daughter piggy back rides and in between I was able to give hugs and kisses to my wife. My daughter was getting sad which was making my wife sad which brought tears to my eyes. I did my best to maintain a positive attitude and yes, it won’t be until next year when I se them again. However, the time is shorter than this past interval. I tried to instill in my daughter that there are so many things happening in the next coming months that my return will be here sooner as opposed to later. I could see the tears in my wife’s eyes which even now brings tears to my eyes. She is an incredible person and I love her so much. My son ever being the character that he is said, “Daddy, put me in your pocket so I can stay with you.” I laughed and so did he. My sensitive daughter did very well to hold things together but knowing her I am sure she had her moments in the car. Yes, this was a bittersweet moment; the bitter was that they were departing and I won’t see them in over 7 months – the sweet is the essence of my family. They are extremely sweet and I am blessed by their presence.
I watched them drive off for the final time with tears in my eyes. They waved, blew kisses, and called out to me as they drove off. It has only been 2 hours since their departure and I miss them so much. This is all part of the Plan and I know it is working out exactly the way it is intended. My love for them grows everyday and thanks to all the blessings in my life, I do have a second chance.
Over 4 years I was headed into a downward spiral which culminated with my current arrest and incarceration. However, as my life came crashing down, I discovered true hope in recovery. I can function as a normal law abiding person without gambling in my life. I have spent the past 2 plus years in recovery and loving every moment. Over the past year, I have been separated from my family and discovered everything I ever wanted was right in front of me. I didn’t need a nice house, car, pool, or other material items but I do need my family. They are truly fantastic and have stayed with me through this entire ordeal. What started out as the worst moment of my life has blossomed into the best period of my life. Gone are the days of lying, deceiving, cheating, and stealing. These have been replaced with love and honesty.
I can choose to be sad and lament the fact that I won’t see my family sometime until next year. However, I choose to look at the positive which is my family. I cannot erase the mistakes I made, I can only learn and continue to grow into a better person. There will come a time where I can sit with my family and hold them for as long as I would like. I had a fabulous weekend and this will carry me the rest of my term.
Apparently, they hiked 6 miles up a fairly steep incline. One member from the other crew hurt his ankle on the rocky terrain and had to be brought to the nearest prison facility. Each of my crew members spoke about the hike with reverence in their voices and a small part of me would have liked to experience this hike. Make no mistake about it, I much rather had been with my family then on the hike and I know there will be other “hikes of the century” in my remaining time here. It was good to see everyone from my crew make it back safe and sound. Speaking of sound, the sounds were back in the dorm and the eerie silence was gone. I do not mind the sounds because they are comforting which means I am not alone. Every person on the crew is a good person and I have been very fortunate to have been placed with them.
After getting the details of the past week from several crew members, it was time to turn in for the night. I had mixed emotions about the next day because this would be the last day my family would be visiting with me. The saying goes, “All good things must come to an end” which when thinking about it, this is not exactly an optimistic thought. My good thing was not ending, it was just beginning because in a short period of time, we will all be together and it will be the best it has ever been.
I managed to fall asleep and had a dream about playing golf with my father at a golf course in NJ that we used to go to years ago. All I can remember is hitting a few golf shots and walking down the fairway with my father.
I waved off breakfast and waited for my wife to pull in. I walked down to the visiting center and as I approached, I spotted my family and right on queue, my little boy came running at me full speed ahead. He maybe small in stature, but he packs a great deal of power in his almost 4 foot frame. He ran toward me and I picked him up with a great big hug. My daughter was behind him and she was a bit more reserved. She is the more sensitive of the two and she knew today was the last day of the visit as there was an edge of concern on her face. Be that as it may, I did hug her mightily and stole many kisses throughout the day. I warmly greeted them and my children wasted no time running over to the swings and calling out to me to push them. These are great moments and after being on the swings, we played games of Uno and Monopoly prior to the arrival of our dear friends.
I was very happy to hear that our friends were coming today. This is where my family stayed for the past 2 weeks and I briefly got to see them when they dropped off and picked up my family for the family visit. They prepared a very special lunch – barbecue pizza. I have had a great deal of pizza in my life but not one prepared on a barbecue grill, especially one prepared in prison. Our friends came armed with all the fresh ingredients, but there were some things left at home. Our friends improvised so well as they used wood for the grill in addition to the charcoal. We borrowed a can of cooking oil from one of my fellow inmates. I was so impressed as to the lengths our dear friends went to prepare and cook this pizza. These are truly wonderful people, and in spite of all the obstacles in front of them, the pizza turned out excellent! It was the best tasting pizza I had in a very long time and still can’t believe it was made from scratch right in front of my eyes at the table.
They did have to leave to pick up their children and our game of Pictionary was interrupted. I believe I have written about this game in the past and our friends have a running joke about playing with me. You see I am a horrible drawer and would rather write a 1000 words than draw a picture. As our friends entered the visiting area, I spotted them carrying Pictionary and tried to convince the CO on duty that the game was prohibited in the visiting area. Unfortunately, he allowed the game to be brought in. Surprisingly, my team – the team of males – was actually far ahead of the females. We continued to play as our friends left. It was wonderful to see them and even though the visit was brief they are part of the many blessings in my life. I am truly surrounded by incredible people.
As we were playing, there was a minor meltdown between my son and daughter as my son didn’t want to draw one of the answers, but my daughter was making him. This caused my son to cry which caused my daughter to cry. My wife and I consoled them and their meltdown didn’t last that long. The children finally tired of Pictionary and went to play on the swings. My poor wife who has made this week extra special just wanted some alone time with me on the bench. Our time together was few and far between, but we did manage to hold one another as the visiting hours clicked down.
The visiting hours were coming to a close so I gave my son and daughter piggy back rides and in between I was able to give hugs and kisses to my wife. My daughter was getting sad which was making my wife sad which brought tears to my eyes. I did my best to maintain a positive attitude and yes, it won’t be until next year when I se them again. However, the time is shorter than this past interval. I tried to instill in my daughter that there are so many things happening in the next coming months that my return will be here sooner as opposed to later. I could see the tears in my wife’s eyes which even now brings tears to my eyes. She is an incredible person and I love her so much. My son ever being the character that he is said, “Daddy, put me in your pocket so I can stay with you.” I laughed and so did he. My sensitive daughter did very well to hold things together but knowing her I am sure she had her moments in the car. Yes, this was a bittersweet moment; the bitter was that they were departing and I won’t see them in over 7 months – the sweet is the essence of my family. They are extremely sweet and I am blessed by their presence.
I watched them drive off for the final time with tears in my eyes. They waved, blew kisses, and called out to me as they drove off. It has only been 2 hours since their departure and I miss them so much. This is all part of the Plan and I know it is working out exactly the way it is intended. My love for them grows everyday and thanks to all the blessings in my life, I do have a second chance.
Over 4 years I was headed into a downward spiral which culminated with my current arrest and incarceration. However, as my life came crashing down, I discovered true hope in recovery. I can function as a normal law abiding person without gambling in my life. I have spent the past 2 plus years in recovery and loving every moment. Over the past year, I have been separated from my family and discovered everything I ever wanted was right in front of me. I didn’t need a nice house, car, pool, or other material items but I do need my family. They are truly fantastic and have stayed with me through this entire ordeal. What started out as the worst moment of my life has blossomed into the best period of my life. Gone are the days of lying, deceiving, cheating, and stealing. These have been replaced with love and honesty.
I can choose to be sad and lament the fact that I won’t see my family sometime until next year. However, I choose to look at the positive which is my family. I cannot erase the mistakes I made, I can only learn and continue to grow into a better person. There will come a time where I can sit with my family and hold them for as long as I would like. I had a fabulous weekend and this will carry me the rest of my term.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Regular Visit Part 3
I was so exhausted; I fell asleep at 9:30 pm and had a very goodnight’s sleep. I had all the positive energy inside of me from the family visit. It wasn’t very good to be back in my dorm bed but this is part of the process. I have a little more than 7 months remaining and it is up to me to make the best of it. I am most certainly on the downhill side of my sentence and it will be sooner than later when I share a bed with my wife.
I completed my run with my endorphins working at full speed with plenty of time to shave and shower before breakfast and the visit of my family. I was still regretting the fact that I didn’t take the Edge shaving cream and dental floss back with me. One of the ingredients in Edge is alcohol which is prohibited and cannot be purchased from the approved catalogues. After speaking with a few inmates and realizing my things were not thoroughly inspected upon my re-entry to the camp, I could have taken these items back.
Breakfast was delayed because the kitchen ran out of milk and the CO had to go to the local store to purchase it. Since the camp is located in a rather remote area, the roundtrip took 40 minutes. Fortunately, the CO’s on duty today were able to open the visiting area with only a 10 minute delay.
I saw my wife and children walk-in to the visiting area with the first wave of visitors. Unfortunately, the call to me was delayed by about 10 minutes as the CO’s were busy with other matters. The announcement finally came and I made my way down to the visiting area. Unlike last week when my children came running over to me, they stayed by the table waving. I could see the long week of visiting wearing on all of them. They were quite naturally tired but still had smiles on their faces and it was wonderful once again to see them!
I’m not sure how it happens, but the visiting time with my family does seem to pass in a blink of an eye. I was afraid to look at my watch for fear of seeing the time pass too quickly. Today was another glorious day with them and we played games together, ate (although my daughter seems to eat every other day and today was one of those days she doesn’t eat at all) laughed, talked, but most importantly we enjoyed each other tremendously. I can’t say enough good things about my family and mere words don’t do justice for my wife. She was tired and a bit burnt out, but outwardly she was so happy. I knew this entire ordeal from the very beginning almost 2 ½ years ago has taken its toll on her yet her love continues to grow as does mine for her. I continue to learn valuable lessons each and everyday about myself and continue to learn I have the perfect family. I needed these visits so much and they will carry me forward through the remainder of my sentence in a very positive way.
The day did go by very quickly and before I knew it we were saying our farewells. They will return tomorrow with our dear friends which will be wonderful. It will be very sad to see them go. My daughter didn’t want to let go and my son wanted to stay with me. Hopefully, when my wife returns to New Jersey she will have a new job and my children will be off to Jamaica with the rest of the family the first week of August. After that there is one month remaining until school begins and once again the cycle of Brownies, soccer, softball, t-ball and other assorted activities commence. As it stands now, I must remain in California for 13 months after my release while I am on parole. This does not mean I cannot visit my family in NJ especially since my daughter will be making he First Holy Communion in May and I will do everything in my power to attend. My children will finish the school year in NJ while I get myself re-established. Once again, I do know everything will work out the way it should and we will be a family very soon.
My family walked off to the car and I walked back to my dorm. Each one of them kept waving and blowing kisses towards me. My son ever being the character that he is kept calling “Bye-Daddy” as I walked back into camp. I am beyond fortunate to have such an incredible family and I had a smile on my face the remainder of the day. These visits have been phenomenal and I spent at least 30 minutes lying on my bunk recollecting today’s visit and looking ahead to tomorrow. I am truly a blessed person!
I completed my run with my endorphins working at full speed with plenty of time to shave and shower before breakfast and the visit of my family. I was still regretting the fact that I didn’t take the Edge shaving cream and dental floss back with me. One of the ingredients in Edge is alcohol which is prohibited and cannot be purchased from the approved catalogues. After speaking with a few inmates and realizing my things were not thoroughly inspected upon my re-entry to the camp, I could have taken these items back.
Breakfast was delayed because the kitchen ran out of milk and the CO had to go to the local store to purchase it. Since the camp is located in a rather remote area, the roundtrip took 40 minutes. Fortunately, the CO’s on duty today were able to open the visiting area with only a 10 minute delay.
I saw my wife and children walk-in to the visiting area with the first wave of visitors. Unfortunately, the call to me was delayed by about 10 minutes as the CO’s were busy with other matters. The announcement finally came and I made my way down to the visiting area. Unlike last week when my children came running over to me, they stayed by the table waving. I could see the long week of visiting wearing on all of them. They were quite naturally tired but still had smiles on their faces and it was wonderful once again to see them!
I’m not sure how it happens, but the visiting time with my family does seem to pass in a blink of an eye. I was afraid to look at my watch for fear of seeing the time pass too quickly. Today was another glorious day with them and we played games together, ate (although my daughter seems to eat every other day and today was one of those days she doesn’t eat at all) laughed, talked, but most importantly we enjoyed each other tremendously. I can’t say enough good things about my family and mere words don’t do justice for my wife. She was tired and a bit burnt out, but outwardly she was so happy. I knew this entire ordeal from the very beginning almost 2 ½ years ago has taken its toll on her yet her love continues to grow as does mine for her. I continue to learn valuable lessons each and everyday about myself and continue to learn I have the perfect family. I needed these visits so much and they will carry me forward through the remainder of my sentence in a very positive way.
The day did go by very quickly and before I knew it we were saying our farewells. They will return tomorrow with our dear friends which will be wonderful. It will be very sad to see them go. My daughter didn’t want to let go and my son wanted to stay with me. Hopefully, when my wife returns to New Jersey she will have a new job and my children will be off to Jamaica with the rest of the family the first week of August. After that there is one month remaining until school begins and once again the cycle of Brownies, soccer, softball, t-ball and other assorted activities commence. As it stands now, I must remain in California for 13 months after my release while I am on parole. This does not mean I cannot visit my family in NJ especially since my daughter will be making he First Holy Communion in May and I will do everything in my power to attend. My children will finish the school year in NJ while I get myself re-established. Once again, I do know everything will work out the way it should and we will be a family very soon.
My family walked off to the car and I walked back to my dorm. Each one of them kept waving and blowing kisses towards me. My son ever being the character that he is kept calling “Bye-Daddy” as I walked back into camp. I am beyond fortunate to have such an incredible family and I had a smile on my face the remainder of the day. These visits have been phenomenal and I spent at least 30 minutes lying on my bunk recollecting today’s visit and looking ahead to tomorrow. I am truly a blessed person!
Friday, July 20, 2007
Family Visit (con't)
I made the last 2 check in calls without the alarm clock because I didn’t get much sleep. All I could think about was how wonderful my family is and how blessed I am. This morning my son climbed into bed with my wife and me. This was just like old times as my son used to make it a habit of coming into our room as soon as the sun came up and he would lay there with us. He is so lovable and I can’t help but to smile when I look at him. My daughter was feeling better this morning and she was happy when I told her she could watch television.
There wasn’t much time this morning as the family visit ended at 10:00 am. The other half of our dear friends was coming to pick up my wife and children at this time. The 68 hours had come to an end in a seemingly blink of an eye. These were the best days I have had in over one year and I am forever grateful to everyone who made it happen.
I wanted to make sure I had my fill of hugs and kisses before 10:00 am. Every chance I got, I hugged my daughter and son. As I write this some 6 hours later, I already miss them, but their presence is forever etched into my memory. I do have a regular visit with them tomorrow and Sunday and I will cherish those 2 days because that will be it until March of next year. Our time came to a close as our dear friend arrived. Just like that it was over and off went my family to our dear friend’s house. It was back to reality (which really isn’t so bad) and I look forward to a swift 7 months.
The check back in procedure was a little different from the check out procedure. I was so concerned with bringing certain items back such as my good running shoes, shaving cream, and shorts that I left them with my wife. As it turns out, I could have brought these items back because the CO on duty seemed uninterested in looking at my dirty laundry. As a requirement at the completion of the family visit, a strip search is administered. This was very mild as compared to others over the past year and I certainly was not trying to conceal anything. Another test at the completion of any family visit is a urine test for drugs and alcohol. I had no issue with adhering to this test but for some reason I could not “Go” on demand which is quite unusual for me and very difficult with a big burly CO looking down at me. After a few minutes, I was told to drink some water and come back later. I drank a lot of water and came back later but at this point there was some question with the vials and I would be called back at a later point. This is all part of my reality and part of the environment. Procedures and protocol must be adhered to and I will do what I am told to do.
As I walked back to my room, I glanced over my shoulder at the cottage which is very visible from the office and smiled. I will always look at it with a smile and a new found fondness. Also, as I made my way back a few inmates stopped to ask how the visit went. I replied, “WONDERFUL!” I thought about my daughter who didn’t want to leave and I certainly didn’t want them to either, but this marks another milestone down as I approach the end of the journey.
I returned to my room to discover my crew mates were still out at a fire. Apparently, they were on their way back to camp yesterday but got diverted to Santa Barbara. I wouldn’t mind joining them on Sunday after my last visit with my family because being away from camp certainly passes the time quickly and I am all for that!
There wasn’t much time this morning as the family visit ended at 10:00 am. The other half of our dear friends was coming to pick up my wife and children at this time. The 68 hours had come to an end in a seemingly blink of an eye. These were the best days I have had in over one year and I am forever grateful to everyone who made it happen.
I wanted to make sure I had my fill of hugs and kisses before 10:00 am. Every chance I got, I hugged my daughter and son. As I write this some 6 hours later, I already miss them, but their presence is forever etched into my memory. I do have a regular visit with them tomorrow and Sunday and I will cherish those 2 days because that will be it until March of next year. Our time came to a close as our dear friend arrived. Just like that it was over and off went my family to our dear friend’s house. It was back to reality (which really isn’t so bad) and I look forward to a swift 7 months.
The check back in procedure was a little different from the check out procedure. I was so concerned with bringing certain items back such as my good running shoes, shaving cream, and shorts that I left them with my wife. As it turns out, I could have brought these items back because the CO on duty seemed uninterested in looking at my dirty laundry. As a requirement at the completion of the family visit, a strip search is administered. This was very mild as compared to others over the past year and I certainly was not trying to conceal anything. Another test at the completion of any family visit is a urine test for drugs and alcohol. I had no issue with adhering to this test but for some reason I could not “Go” on demand which is quite unusual for me and very difficult with a big burly CO looking down at me. After a few minutes, I was told to drink some water and come back later. I drank a lot of water and came back later but at this point there was some question with the vials and I would be called back at a later point. This is all part of my reality and part of the environment. Procedures and protocol must be adhered to and I will do what I am told to do.
As I walked back to my room, I glanced over my shoulder at the cottage which is very visible from the office and smiled. I will always look at it with a smile and a new found fondness. Also, as I made my way back a few inmates stopped to ask how the visit went. I replied, “WONDERFUL!” I thought about my daughter who didn’t want to leave and I certainly didn’t want them to either, but this marks another milestone down as I approach the end of the journey.
I returned to my room to discover my crew mates were still out at a fire. Apparently, they were on their way back to camp yesterday but got diverted to Santa Barbara. I wouldn’t mind joining them on Sunday after my last visit with my family because being away from camp certainly passes the time quickly and I am all for that!
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Family Visit (con't)
I do need to have my head examined because even though I fell asleep and didn’t hear my wife come to bed, I managed to get up for the 1:30 am and the 5:30 am check ins without the aid of an alarm. In the morning my wife informed me of her displeasure about me falling asleep last night. I had no defense and said I was sorry. This cannot undo any hurt I put on my wife and hopefully we talked through a few things. We were on better terms when we heard my daughter make her way to the bathroom where she promptly threw up. Maybe there is something in the water? It is always news when my daughter throws up because it rarely happens. I can count the number of times she has thrown up on one hand whereas my son throws up all the time. The interesting part (sorry about this as I go forward) was my daughter threw up the carrot she ate the night before. This is quite fascinating because my daughter ate a brownie after eating the carrot but the brownie never came up. The brain is very powerful. Unlike my son who bounces back very quickly, my daughter was couch bound for the day. She had trouble keeping anything down including water.
My wife and I kept a watchful eye on her and as the day went on she got better. However, she is so hard on herself and was lamenting the fact that she was sick. She didn’t want to be sick and wanted to spend this last full day with me. She is most certainly my daughter because when I was her age, I developed an ulcer from worrying. My daughter doesn’t have an ulcer – thankfully – but she puts so much pressure on herself. I’m not sure when (possibly only a few years ago) I stopped beating myself up over just about everything so I know how hard this can be. I did my best to reassure my daughter that everything will be okay. Hopefully, she believed me because I hate to see her this way.
With my daughter unwilling to go outside, my son tells me he is going to find the baseball I couldn’t find yesterday. We both went outside and within minutes, sure enough he found it! He is amazing when finding something. He said, “See, I told you I would find it.” We proceeded to play catch and then went to the small basketball hoop in the yard. We played a little game of one on one and my son beat me! He loves sports and it shows. We spent quality time together and unfortunately my daughter spent most of the day on the couch.
My wife made vegetarian chili for dinner which I tremendously enjoy. However, I seem to pay the price afterwards. This was the case tonight as my stomach is not used to the good food prepared by my wife. I seemed to suffer from the same thing my son and daughter had. My stomach was in knots all night.
It was time for my children to go to sleep. My daughter was reading her book and like the past 3 nights, I read to my son before he went to sleep. This has been our ritual since my daughter was born. These are the moments I took for granted but now I cherish. I certainly soaked in every moment over these past 3 days and it is so hard to believe this is our last night together. I had an incredible time in spite of the stomach ailments. The family visiting area is only 50 yards away from the camp but these past 3 days felt like I was 5000 miles away from my current status. I was no longer “XYZ”, I was husband and Dad. I cherish these roles and I am so happy to have been given this time with my family.
Tonight I didn’t fall asleep and did wait for my wife. It was our last night together for at least the next 7 plus months and we did make the most of it. I didn’t sleep much mostly due to my stomach, but I kept hoping the digital clock would stop, but it didn’t and time marched on.
My wife and I kept a watchful eye on her and as the day went on she got better. However, she is so hard on herself and was lamenting the fact that she was sick. She didn’t want to be sick and wanted to spend this last full day with me. She is most certainly my daughter because when I was her age, I developed an ulcer from worrying. My daughter doesn’t have an ulcer – thankfully – but she puts so much pressure on herself. I’m not sure when (possibly only a few years ago) I stopped beating myself up over just about everything so I know how hard this can be. I did my best to reassure my daughter that everything will be okay. Hopefully, she believed me because I hate to see her this way.
With my daughter unwilling to go outside, my son tells me he is going to find the baseball I couldn’t find yesterday. We both went outside and within minutes, sure enough he found it! He is amazing when finding something. He said, “See, I told you I would find it.” We proceeded to play catch and then went to the small basketball hoop in the yard. We played a little game of one on one and my son beat me! He loves sports and it shows. We spent quality time together and unfortunately my daughter spent most of the day on the couch.
My wife made vegetarian chili for dinner which I tremendously enjoy. However, I seem to pay the price afterwards. This was the case tonight as my stomach is not used to the good food prepared by my wife. I seemed to suffer from the same thing my son and daughter had. My stomach was in knots all night.
It was time for my children to go to sleep. My daughter was reading her book and like the past 3 nights, I read to my son before he went to sleep. This has been our ritual since my daughter was born. These are the moments I took for granted but now I cherish. I certainly soaked in every moment over these past 3 days and it is so hard to believe this is our last night together. I had an incredible time in spite of the stomach ailments. The family visiting area is only 50 yards away from the camp but these past 3 days felt like I was 5000 miles away from my current status. I was no longer “XYZ”, I was husband and Dad. I cherish these roles and I am so happy to have been given this time with my family.
Tonight I didn’t fall asleep and did wait for my wife. It was our last night together for at least the next 7 plus months and we did make the most of it. I didn’t sleep much mostly due to my stomach, but I kept hoping the digital clock would stop, but it didn’t and time marched on.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Family Visit (con't)
Can time just slow down or stop because that first day flew by? I made my two check-ins during the night and I only needed the alarm on one of them. I was awake but was late getting to the alarm. I was able to watch my wife sleep which was wonderful and I also stole a peek of my children sleeping. This is such a serene sight and it will be forever etched in my mind.
There was no need to rush and get up since we weren’t going anywhere (literally). Everyone awoke at their leisure but the early morning was not without a concern. My son woke up and proceeded to throw up. Thankfully, he made it to the bathroom and this isn’t anything new with him. He seems to have these occasions where he throws up and 2 minutes later he is fine. This was exactly the case this morning as he is so resilient. My wife and I were concerned because we didn’t have any medication and if things got worst, who knows what would have happened. Fortunately he was okay.
Time was marching by and all I cared about was togetherness. I do love being a Dad and love being with my children. We played an assortment of board games and went outside for a game of catch and running bases. Today we took precautions and applied “OFF” before going outside. The bugs were non-existent and I enjoyed the outdoor games. During a game of catch, my son threw the baseball well over my head and it went sailing into the brush. I had to come inside and put on long pants to look for the ball. I searched all over for it but to no avail. My son is so sweet and he said, “That’s okay, you tried your best.” This cut our game short, but did not deter my son’s spirit. While inside we played catch with a ping pong ball which satisfied him very much.
The time was spent much as it was yesterday. I was content just sitting with my children as they watched television. I had my arms around both of them. I have missed the kisses and embraces. My son has always been more affectionate than my daughter and nothing has changed. He still gives kisses and I gladly accepted each one. My daughter is more stoic, but she loves to be tickled and this is what I did. She laughs beautifully and again the day was wonderful.
We sat down to another lovely dinner – soy meat tacos – and I talked to my daughter about nutrition. She has terrible eating habits because she gets much like I did when I was her age. In fact, she makes the same faces I make about certain foods. I was trying to tell her she needs to eat more and more fruit and vegetables and she won’t be as tired. She agreed to eat a carrot which turned out to be not so good. (More on this later) Her eating habits need to be addressed unlike my son who eats almost everything. My wife has done an incredible job with the kids but sometimes it is easier to just give in to her picky eating habits. Anyhow dinner was wonderful and we settled in for the night as we watched television. I haven’t watched much TV over the past year so I was more interested in watching my children watch TV. Both of my children seem to have a very good attention span even my son. We were watching some reality series (American Inventor) and my son was getting into it so much so he was asking some very good questions. My daughter did retire to her room to read her book. These are great children and I cannot wait to rejoin their lives on a full-time basis. I have some hurdles to overcome and I will!
The children went to sleep and for some reason I was exhausted. I turned in earlier than my wife and I didn’t hear her come to bed. This is where I messed up because I should have waited for her but instead fell asleep. Our time together is limited and here I am falling asleep. This upset my wife and rightfully so. I don’t know what was the matter with me and I had to apologize in the morning. This is where I need to be more attentive to her. I have to think about everyone not just my children. I do need to be a better husband and look forward to re-establishing myself when this journey is all sad and done. With me being asleep, my wife had a rather bad night’s sleep.
There was no need to rush and get up since we weren’t going anywhere (literally). Everyone awoke at their leisure but the early morning was not without a concern. My son woke up and proceeded to throw up. Thankfully, he made it to the bathroom and this isn’t anything new with him. He seems to have these occasions where he throws up and 2 minutes later he is fine. This was exactly the case this morning as he is so resilient. My wife and I were concerned because we didn’t have any medication and if things got worst, who knows what would have happened. Fortunately he was okay.
Time was marching by and all I cared about was togetherness. I do love being a Dad and love being with my children. We played an assortment of board games and went outside for a game of catch and running bases. Today we took precautions and applied “OFF” before going outside. The bugs were non-existent and I enjoyed the outdoor games. During a game of catch, my son threw the baseball well over my head and it went sailing into the brush. I had to come inside and put on long pants to look for the ball. I searched all over for it but to no avail. My son is so sweet and he said, “That’s okay, you tried your best.” This cut our game short, but did not deter my son’s spirit. While inside we played catch with a ping pong ball which satisfied him very much.
The time was spent much as it was yesterday. I was content just sitting with my children as they watched television. I had my arms around both of them. I have missed the kisses and embraces. My son has always been more affectionate than my daughter and nothing has changed. He still gives kisses and I gladly accepted each one. My daughter is more stoic, but she loves to be tickled and this is what I did. She laughs beautifully and again the day was wonderful.
We sat down to another lovely dinner – soy meat tacos – and I talked to my daughter about nutrition. She has terrible eating habits because she gets much like I did when I was her age. In fact, she makes the same faces I make about certain foods. I was trying to tell her she needs to eat more and more fruit and vegetables and she won’t be as tired. She agreed to eat a carrot which turned out to be not so good. (More on this later) Her eating habits need to be addressed unlike my son who eats almost everything. My wife has done an incredible job with the kids but sometimes it is easier to just give in to her picky eating habits. Anyhow dinner was wonderful and we settled in for the night as we watched television. I haven’t watched much TV over the past year so I was more interested in watching my children watch TV. Both of my children seem to have a very good attention span even my son. We were watching some reality series (American Inventor) and my son was getting into it so much so he was asking some very good questions. My daughter did retire to her room to read her book. These are great children and I cannot wait to rejoin their lives on a full-time basis. I have some hurdles to overcome and I will!
The children went to sleep and for some reason I was exhausted. I turned in earlier than my wife and I didn’t hear her come to bed. This is where I messed up because I should have waited for her but instead fell asleep. Our time together is limited and here I am falling asleep. This upset my wife and rightfully so. I don’t know what was the matter with me and I had to apologize in the morning. This is where I need to be more attentive to her. I have to think about everyone not just my children. I do need to be a better husband and look forward to re-establishing myself when this journey is all sad and done. With me being asleep, my wife had a rather bad night’s sleep.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Family Visit
The regular visit with my family over the weekend was superb and today would kick off a period of 69 straight hours with no interruptions. I have been looking forward to this day for over one year. When I was in Jamestown, I actually had a family visit scheduled. The was meant only for my wife because I didn’t want to subject my children to the austerity of prison. In Jamestown, there are large block walls with razor wire and guards who carry guns. Circumstances did not work out for the family visit in Jamestown because I had to cancel. I never felt quite right about having a family visit up there and it was just as well I had cancelled. Now here at fire camp, the scenario is much different. Gone are the block walls which have been replaced with rolling hillsides and gone are the razor wires which have been replaced by openness. As far as serving time within the California department of Corrections, I reside at the best place with a very good family visit setting.
The visit started at 1:00 pm on Tuesday and concluded at 10:00 am on Friday. After the morning ritual, I went up to the office to see if I could get into the visiting cottage in order to clean it up before the arrival of my family. Once again I was extremely fortunate because the senior CO on duty was the nicest one on staff. She is exceedingly fair and did let me go up to the area to clan it up. Also, I could bring my belongings to the office so she could check them out. There was a musty smell in the cottage but was relatively clean. It was old and the features were dated. I straightened up a little then returned to camp to get my belongings. On my way back to my room, I met up with an extremely helpful inmate who knew I was going on a family visit. He gave me very many helpful hints and I listened intently. He told me to obtain bleach so I could wipe down the floors and he also told me to sterilize the silverware. I wiped down the entire cottage and put the silverware in a large pot of boiling water.
After I placed my belongings in the cottage, it was time to wait for the arrival of my family. My wife knew arrival time was between 1:00 pm and 4:00 pm. Very dear friends of ours were kind enough to give my family a ride. I thought my wife would arrive closer to 1:00 which is why when 1:00 pm came and went without any sign of my family I started to get concerned. I knew they were in good hands but I couldn’t help be concerned especially when 45 minutes went by without their arrival. Since I couldn’t call her, I had to remain patient and positive. As the hour approached 2:00 pm, I noticed our friend’s vehicle approach the camp; they had arrived! I was elated to see them and went to notify the CO of their arrival.
I went across the parking lot where I saw my family and dear friend. I greeted everyone with a big hug including our friend. I am surrounded by good people and this dear friend is certainly one of those people. We transferred the belongings from my friends’ vehicle to the CO’s vehicle. Even though the cottage is only 25 yards away, procedure is to have the vehicle take us to the cottage.
As we brought all the items into the cottage, I thought the CO was going to check all of my family’s belongings, but the only concern was with the suitcase. All of the grocery bags went untouched and my wife had to give her purse to our friend for safe keeping because money is not allowed on camp grounds. Also, my wife voluntarily gave up her cell phone because they are prohibited as well. As the CO was ready to give the okay for my family’s belongings, my daughter pulled out the digital camera and asked, “What about this?” Well, since they are not allowed, the CO had to take the camera. However, before she did, she permitted us to take photos in and around the family visiting center. She even snapped several pictures of all of us.
We were properly checked-in and the CO left us alone. Before leaving, I was instructed that I must check in 4 times a day at 1:30 am, 5:30 am, 4:30 pm, and 9:30 pm – meaning I had to stand by the front door until the CO acknowledges my presence through a wave or by blinking a flashlight. My very worried daughter would remind of the check-in several times a day.
After squaring away the suitcases, I changed from my “oranges” to shorts. Also, my wife brought my good running shoes and it was nice to wear these. After changing, I played around with my children – laughing and giggling. It was magnificent to be with them and it was great to realize these are the same children I left behind last year. The rest of the day was spent eating, laughing, watching television, and playing catch outside in the backyard which had a swing set and plenty of room to throw around a baseball and softball. When I departed last year, it was difficult to play a game of catch with my son because he hadn’t quite mastered the art of catching. Well, one year later, he has mastered this and has a very good arm. As far as my daughter, she is still a bit afraid of the softball because when she puts her glove up, she moves her entire body out of the way. She too has a very good arm and it was great to have a game of catch with my son and her. The mosquitoes were out in full force so my children wanted to go back inside.
The rest of the evening was wonderful and my wife put so much stress on herself to make everything perfect. It didn’t matter to me what kind of food we ate or what kind of toiletries she brought. What mattered to me was that we were spending time together as a family which has been remiss for one year plus. I love my wife dearly, but I have got to do a better job showing it. Sometimes I get so caught up in my children, I tend to neglect my wife which in not fair to her. I need to be more attentive to her needs and this is something I will work on. I want to get better sharing my feelings with her because she is my hero and my love for her is endless.
The visit started at 1:00 pm on Tuesday and concluded at 10:00 am on Friday. After the morning ritual, I went up to the office to see if I could get into the visiting cottage in order to clean it up before the arrival of my family. Once again I was extremely fortunate because the senior CO on duty was the nicest one on staff. She is exceedingly fair and did let me go up to the area to clan it up. Also, I could bring my belongings to the office so she could check them out. There was a musty smell in the cottage but was relatively clean. It was old and the features were dated. I straightened up a little then returned to camp to get my belongings. On my way back to my room, I met up with an extremely helpful inmate who knew I was going on a family visit. He gave me very many helpful hints and I listened intently. He told me to obtain bleach so I could wipe down the floors and he also told me to sterilize the silverware. I wiped down the entire cottage and put the silverware in a large pot of boiling water.
After I placed my belongings in the cottage, it was time to wait for the arrival of my family. My wife knew arrival time was between 1:00 pm and 4:00 pm. Very dear friends of ours were kind enough to give my family a ride. I thought my wife would arrive closer to 1:00 which is why when 1:00 pm came and went without any sign of my family I started to get concerned. I knew they were in good hands but I couldn’t help be concerned especially when 45 minutes went by without their arrival. Since I couldn’t call her, I had to remain patient and positive. As the hour approached 2:00 pm, I noticed our friend’s vehicle approach the camp; they had arrived! I was elated to see them and went to notify the CO of their arrival.
I went across the parking lot where I saw my family and dear friend. I greeted everyone with a big hug including our friend. I am surrounded by good people and this dear friend is certainly one of those people. We transferred the belongings from my friends’ vehicle to the CO’s vehicle. Even though the cottage is only 25 yards away, procedure is to have the vehicle take us to the cottage.
As we brought all the items into the cottage, I thought the CO was going to check all of my family’s belongings, but the only concern was with the suitcase. All of the grocery bags went untouched and my wife had to give her purse to our friend for safe keeping because money is not allowed on camp grounds. Also, my wife voluntarily gave up her cell phone because they are prohibited as well. As the CO was ready to give the okay for my family’s belongings, my daughter pulled out the digital camera and asked, “What about this?” Well, since they are not allowed, the CO had to take the camera. However, before she did, she permitted us to take photos in and around the family visiting center. She even snapped several pictures of all of us.
We were properly checked-in and the CO left us alone. Before leaving, I was instructed that I must check in 4 times a day at 1:30 am, 5:30 am, 4:30 pm, and 9:30 pm – meaning I had to stand by the front door until the CO acknowledges my presence through a wave or by blinking a flashlight. My very worried daughter would remind of the check-in several times a day.
After squaring away the suitcases, I changed from my “oranges” to shorts. Also, my wife brought my good running shoes and it was nice to wear these. After changing, I played around with my children – laughing and giggling. It was magnificent to be with them and it was great to realize these are the same children I left behind last year. The rest of the day was spent eating, laughing, watching television, and playing catch outside in the backyard which had a swing set and plenty of room to throw around a baseball and softball. When I departed last year, it was difficult to play a game of catch with my son because he hadn’t quite mastered the art of catching. Well, one year later, he has mastered this and has a very good arm. As far as my daughter, she is still a bit afraid of the softball because when she puts her glove up, she moves her entire body out of the way. She too has a very good arm and it was great to have a game of catch with my son and her. The mosquitoes were out in full force so my children wanted to go back inside.
The rest of the evening was wonderful and my wife put so much stress on herself to make everything perfect. It didn’t matter to me what kind of food we ate or what kind of toiletries she brought. What mattered to me was that we were spending time together as a family which has been remiss for one year plus. I love my wife dearly, but I have got to do a better job showing it. Sometimes I get so caught up in my children, I tend to neglect my wife which in not fair to her. I need to be more attentive to her needs and this is something I will work on. I want to get better sharing my feelings with her because she is my hero and my love for her is endless.
Monday, July 16, 2007
A Day to Myself
I guess I am getting used to the fact that there are seven unoccupied rooms in my dorm. I slept fairly well and got up at my usual time to start my Monday morning exercise routine. I was back in form as I ran for almost an hour and 40 minutes. I was feeling very good and realized today would be a day to myself as my crew is still gone, and I have no assignment. I finished the very good run and went into the shower along with my morning ritual. I went to breakfast for the hot cereal, biscuits, and potatoes. Everyone at the table made a comment about the dehydrated potatoes and these potatoes went uneaten on every tray.
With breakfast over and no assignment, there was no reason to boot up, but I did anyway out of habit. I checked in with the other in-campers, and I did have a day to myself as I anxiously await my family visit tomorrow. I went back to my room to do some writing, but I wanted more exercise. I decided to do 90 minutes on the Harvard Wall as a way to kill the morning. When I came back, the bathroom was closed for deep cleaning, which is always good, so I had to wait about two hours for my shower. I managed to pass the time having lunch. I made a peanut butter and honey sandwich for the first time in my life. I’m not sure I enjoyed it because I associate the taste of honey with being sick. I rarely use honey other than in my tea when I am sick so eating it when I am not sick is a bit strange. Also, it appears a bit too sweet for my taste, so I will stick to the regular PB&J sandwiches. I do need to find a home for the over-100 packets of honey that were given to me by the member of the “table” who paroled a few weeks ago. At least I tried something new.
Amazingly enough, the day passed soon enough as I looked ahead toward tomorrow. Check-in for the family visit is not until 1:00 p.m., so I still have the entire morning to get through before I see my family once again. Time seems to pass very quickly, and they will be here before I know it. Today was a day to myself, and I received a letter from my younger sister along with photographs of her beautiful children. My sister also sent me a book, “The Glass Castle” by Jeannette Walls. It sounds like a remarkable memoir of resilience and redemption. I am looking forward to reading it. Now, I wait patiently for tomorrow and spending 69 consecutively blissful hours with my family.
With breakfast over and no assignment, there was no reason to boot up, but I did anyway out of habit. I checked in with the other in-campers, and I did have a day to myself as I anxiously await my family visit tomorrow. I went back to my room to do some writing, but I wanted more exercise. I decided to do 90 minutes on the Harvard Wall as a way to kill the morning. When I came back, the bathroom was closed for deep cleaning, which is always good, so I had to wait about two hours for my shower. I managed to pass the time having lunch. I made a peanut butter and honey sandwich for the first time in my life. I’m not sure I enjoyed it because I associate the taste of honey with being sick. I rarely use honey other than in my tea when I am sick so eating it when I am not sick is a bit strange. Also, it appears a bit too sweet for my taste, so I will stick to the regular PB&J sandwiches. I do need to find a home for the over-100 packets of honey that were given to me by the member of the “table” who paroled a few weeks ago. At least I tried something new.
Amazingly enough, the day passed soon enough as I looked ahead toward tomorrow. Check-in for the family visit is not until 1:00 p.m., so I still have the entire morning to get through before I see my family once again. Time seems to pass very quickly, and they will be here before I know it. Today was a day to myself, and I received a letter from my younger sister along with photographs of her beautiful children. My sister also sent me a book, “The Glass Castle” by Jeannette Walls. It sounds like a remarkable memoir of resilience and redemption. I am looking forward to reading it. Now, I wait patiently for tomorrow and spending 69 consecutively blissful hours with my family.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
THE VISIT Part II
I had a very restful night’s sleep, and I stayed in bed longer than usual. Normally, Sundays are a day of rest for me, which means I take the day off from exercising; however, being away last week sort of messed up my exercise schedule. I was contemplating on doing the Harvard Wall this morning, but I just stayed in bed until 6:15 a.m. I figured I could always exercise in the afternoon after my visit. There was no need for me to rush this morning as I made the decision not to go to breakfast. My wife was bringing breakfast, so I could skip one day of the hot cereal. I took a leisurely shower and shaved. I did the wave off for breakfast and went back to my room. I didn’t do much other than dress and stare out the window. Now, I wanted time to hurry up so visiting would open and then stand still for awhile.
Unlike yesterday, the visiting officer was right on time as he arrived at 8:30 a.m. sharp to open the visiting area. Today, my wife was the second car to pull into the parking lot, and I watched her lug all of their stuff into the visiting area. Five minutes after their arrival, my name was announced. This gave me an extra 20 minutes to spend with my family, and every minute counts. Just like yesterday, I quickly walked to the visiting area. Today, I spotted my wife first and gave her a wave. I then saw my daughter who came running up to me once again. My son was noticeably missing as he was in the restroom, but when he was done, he came running over to give me a hug and a kiss.
We went over to the picnic table, and the first order of business was a family discussion minus my son. My wife said we needed to talk with my daughter. Last night when my wife got back to our friend’s house, it was a very emotional evening. My daughter, who is extremely sensitive, started to cry right before she went to sleep. My wife went to console her, and they had a nice talk. It turns out my daughter was very concerned with the “prisoner” writing on my clothes. My wife decided (rightfully so) to tell my daughter everything, which included my stealing to finance my compulsive gambling addiction. My daughter is very intelligent and asked a great question. “Did the money Daddy steal help pay for our swimming pool?” Yes, this is a good question, and no, the money I stole went to gambling. The second mortgage I took out on the house went to pay for the pool.
My daughter was having a hard time understanding how her father (me) could steal. In her eyes, I can do no wrong, and stealing is definitely wrong. My wife talked about the compulsive gambling addiction, and I expanded on it today. I do want my children to know everything, and cannot hide from my past. I messed up rather large, but I am a much better person for it. I explained how my brain wasn’t working correctly and how I am now getting help with this addiction so this will never happen again. My daughter seemed to take it all in, and she did ask another good question. “If you didn’t steal, would we still be living in our old house and I would have my old room?” The answer to this question is most likely yes, but I cannot go back and erase the past. I wanted my daughter to know it was me only that caused all these problems. Neither she, her mother, nor her brother had anything to do with it, and she has every right to be angry with me. She did say she was angry with me, and I told her she can be angry for as long as she wants. Then she punched me in the arm twice. I told her to go for a third time and to hit me even harder. She couldn’t do it, and we hugged. After this we had a discussion about gambling and how some people can gamble while others (especially me) cannot. My wife was explaining that she can gamble if she wants, and my daughter gave her a very mean look, almost to say, “If Daddy can’t gamble then you shouldn’t.”
I fell in love with my daughter the moment she was born, as I did with my son. My daughter has always been Daddy’s little girl as my son has been Mommy’s little boy. It appears nothing has changed despite the fact I have been away for one year, and now my daughter knows I am a thief. I’m fairly certain I have fallen a few notches in my daughter’s eyes and rightfully so; however, there is so much love in our family, I know everything is going to be perfect. All of this had to come out at one point, and today was the day. My daughter is a great child, and my biggest fear was messing both of them up for life. This will not happen because I will always be honest and open with them. I screwed up, but I am still a good person, and thanks to recovery, getting better each and every day.
The discussion part of the day was over, and it was on to game playing. This is part of spending time with my family. Whether it’s pushing them on a swing or playing games, or just sitting together, all that matters is we are a family. Yes, we are a family, and over this week, we will reinforce that bond which has been slightly ruptured over the past year. Life does get better and so does our family. We had a great time playing games, going on the swings, and playing on the monkey bars. I even had an opportunity to speak with my wife. Most of her concerns are financial. These will work out, and in 7-1/2 months, I will be able to share in the mess I created. There are decisions that need to be made, and whatever those decisions are, they will be the correct ones. Everything does happen for a reason, and wherever we end up, living will be wonderful. It will be wonderful because all of us will be together.
I was watching my son and daughter very closely. Things have not changed very much in the past year because my daughter still eats very little, and my son still eats very much. I watched my daughter barely finish half of a bagel. Then I noticed my son finish a whole bagel followed by the other half of my daughter’s bagel followed by half of my bagel. I really believe my six-year-old son eats more than my wife, daughter, and me combined! Yet, my son is not fat. In fact, he has thinned out during the year but still has more muscles than me! They are an interesting dynamic as my son just goes with the flow while my daughter is always analyzing the situation. Okay, I miss them terribly, but in 7-1/2 months, this will all be over.
It was another great day, and we even got in a game of monkey in the middle. Since the two crews are still gone, the visiting area was not very crowded. Normally, all of the tables are filled, but today and yesterday, there were more empty tables than occupied tables. This was good for us because the children were able to play freely. Once again, the 5 hours and 50 minutes flew by, and it was time for them to depart. We hugged and kissed several times on the way out. My ever-affectionate son kissed me at least 10 times. The next time I will see them will be on Tuesday for the family visit. My son had the quote of the day. As we were standing near the exit waiting for my wife to return from the car (for obvious reasons, I could not help her bring the items to the car), my son looked at the five other men in “orange,” then looks back at me, then glances again at the five other men, and then said to me, “Why are you here anyway?” This about summed up it up for me, and I said to him, “Remember I told you Daddy made a mistake, and I have to stay here until after your next birthday.” This didn’t seem to satisfy him as he asked the question again. After he asked the question, my daughter chimed in, “Daddy will explain it to you when you are my age.” Then my son said, “But that will take forever!” By this time, my wife had returned, and our little dialogue was over. This does remind me to mention that earlier in the day after I finished the discussion with my daughter, she turned to me and asked, “Is this (fire camp) like military school?” My response was “yes.” My daughter does grasp the concept, and both of them will be just fine.
The day was over, and these past two days were the fastest days of my life. I can only imagine how fast the family visit will be, which is why I will enjoy every second. I watched from across the street as they drove away, blowing kisses back and forth. My goodness, what an incredible family.
I walked back to the office, but before I arrived there, I was patted down before leaving the visiting area. Thankfully, my family was gone by this time, so it was back to my reality. I won’t let this deter my positive mood, and I headed back to camp. I signed back into the office and headed for my room. I was thinking about exercising, but the normally quick 2:30 p.m. weekend count took 35 minutes (normally, it takes 5 minutes). Also, I needed to call my mother so she could relay a message to my wife. The overextended count was finally cleared, and I made my way over to the telephones. Before placing the telephone call, one of the new C/O’s approached me. He asked me if I wanted to drive up with him tomorrow to where my crew was staying. He thought my family visit was over, and I told him “I do appreciate you thinking of me, but my family visit is on Tuesday. Had this been next Sunday, then by all means I would have gone.” This was certainly very nice, and I am starting to see more positive attitudes from some unexpected sources. Anyhow, I placed the telephone call to my mother and recounted the two days. I was still on a high from the visits, and I think I talked nonstop for the 15 minutes. As always, it was great speaking with my mom, and I will see her in two months with my younger sister.
I didn’t exercise, which was fine. I did go to dinner and had some rice and salad. After dinner, I had enough of writing as I completed five letters for the day, so I went outside. I spent the night hearing about how parole is very different on the east coast as opposed to California. This was all part of my education, and who knows how this applies to me, but it was good to hear. The night was over, and I went back to my room where I finished “Love Monkey.” It was an entertaining book. It wasn’t the best, and it wasn’t the worst. It was whimsical, and it was definitely “Sex and the City” from a male perspective. After finishing the book, I went to sleep with the thought of my family forever etched on my mind. What a wonderful weekend.
Unlike yesterday, the visiting officer was right on time as he arrived at 8:30 a.m. sharp to open the visiting area. Today, my wife was the second car to pull into the parking lot, and I watched her lug all of their stuff into the visiting area. Five minutes after their arrival, my name was announced. This gave me an extra 20 minutes to spend with my family, and every minute counts. Just like yesterday, I quickly walked to the visiting area. Today, I spotted my wife first and gave her a wave. I then saw my daughter who came running up to me once again. My son was noticeably missing as he was in the restroom, but when he was done, he came running over to give me a hug and a kiss.
We went over to the picnic table, and the first order of business was a family discussion minus my son. My wife said we needed to talk with my daughter. Last night when my wife got back to our friend’s house, it was a very emotional evening. My daughter, who is extremely sensitive, started to cry right before she went to sleep. My wife went to console her, and they had a nice talk. It turns out my daughter was very concerned with the “prisoner” writing on my clothes. My wife decided (rightfully so) to tell my daughter everything, which included my stealing to finance my compulsive gambling addiction. My daughter is very intelligent and asked a great question. “Did the money Daddy steal help pay for our swimming pool?” Yes, this is a good question, and no, the money I stole went to gambling. The second mortgage I took out on the house went to pay for the pool.
My daughter was having a hard time understanding how her father (me) could steal. In her eyes, I can do no wrong, and stealing is definitely wrong. My wife talked about the compulsive gambling addiction, and I expanded on it today. I do want my children to know everything, and cannot hide from my past. I messed up rather large, but I am a much better person for it. I explained how my brain wasn’t working correctly and how I am now getting help with this addiction so this will never happen again. My daughter seemed to take it all in, and she did ask another good question. “If you didn’t steal, would we still be living in our old house and I would have my old room?” The answer to this question is most likely yes, but I cannot go back and erase the past. I wanted my daughter to know it was me only that caused all these problems. Neither she, her mother, nor her brother had anything to do with it, and she has every right to be angry with me. She did say she was angry with me, and I told her she can be angry for as long as she wants. Then she punched me in the arm twice. I told her to go for a third time and to hit me even harder. She couldn’t do it, and we hugged. After this we had a discussion about gambling and how some people can gamble while others (especially me) cannot. My wife was explaining that she can gamble if she wants, and my daughter gave her a very mean look, almost to say, “If Daddy can’t gamble then you shouldn’t.”
I fell in love with my daughter the moment she was born, as I did with my son. My daughter has always been Daddy’s little girl as my son has been Mommy’s little boy. It appears nothing has changed despite the fact I have been away for one year, and now my daughter knows I am a thief. I’m fairly certain I have fallen a few notches in my daughter’s eyes and rightfully so; however, there is so much love in our family, I know everything is going to be perfect. All of this had to come out at one point, and today was the day. My daughter is a great child, and my biggest fear was messing both of them up for life. This will not happen because I will always be honest and open with them. I screwed up, but I am still a good person, and thanks to recovery, getting better each and every day.
The discussion part of the day was over, and it was on to game playing. This is part of spending time with my family. Whether it’s pushing them on a swing or playing games, or just sitting together, all that matters is we are a family. Yes, we are a family, and over this week, we will reinforce that bond which has been slightly ruptured over the past year. Life does get better and so does our family. We had a great time playing games, going on the swings, and playing on the monkey bars. I even had an opportunity to speak with my wife. Most of her concerns are financial. These will work out, and in 7-1/2 months, I will be able to share in the mess I created. There are decisions that need to be made, and whatever those decisions are, they will be the correct ones. Everything does happen for a reason, and wherever we end up, living will be wonderful. It will be wonderful because all of us will be together.
I was watching my son and daughter very closely. Things have not changed very much in the past year because my daughter still eats very little, and my son still eats very much. I watched my daughter barely finish half of a bagel. Then I noticed my son finish a whole bagel followed by the other half of my daughter’s bagel followed by half of my bagel. I really believe my six-year-old son eats more than my wife, daughter, and me combined! Yet, my son is not fat. In fact, he has thinned out during the year but still has more muscles than me! They are an interesting dynamic as my son just goes with the flow while my daughter is always analyzing the situation. Okay, I miss them terribly, but in 7-1/2 months, this will all be over.
It was another great day, and we even got in a game of monkey in the middle. Since the two crews are still gone, the visiting area was not very crowded. Normally, all of the tables are filled, but today and yesterday, there were more empty tables than occupied tables. This was good for us because the children were able to play freely. Once again, the 5 hours and 50 minutes flew by, and it was time for them to depart. We hugged and kissed several times on the way out. My ever-affectionate son kissed me at least 10 times. The next time I will see them will be on Tuesday for the family visit. My son had the quote of the day. As we were standing near the exit waiting for my wife to return from the car (for obvious reasons, I could not help her bring the items to the car), my son looked at the five other men in “orange,” then looks back at me, then glances again at the five other men, and then said to me, “Why are you here anyway?” This about summed up it up for me, and I said to him, “Remember I told you Daddy made a mistake, and I have to stay here until after your next birthday.” This didn’t seem to satisfy him as he asked the question again. After he asked the question, my daughter chimed in, “Daddy will explain it to you when you are my age.” Then my son said, “But that will take forever!” By this time, my wife had returned, and our little dialogue was over. This does remind me to mention that earlier in the day after I finished the discussion with my daughter, she turned to me and asked, “Is this (fire camp) like military school?” My response was “yes.” My daughter does grasp the concept, and both of them will be just fine.
The day was over, and these past two days were the fastest days of my life. I can only imagine how fast the family visit will be, which is why I will enjoy every second. I watched from across the street as they drove away, blowing kisses back and forth. My goodness, what an incredible family.
I walked back to the office, but before I arrived there, I was patted down before leaving the visiting area. Thankfully, my family was gone by this time, so it was back to my reality. I won’t let this deter my positive mood, and I headed back to camp. I signed back into the office and headed for my room. I was thinking about exercising, but the normally quick 2:30 p.m. weekend count took 35 minutes (normally, it takes 5 minutes). Also, I needed to call my mother so she could relay a message to my wife. The overextended count was finally cleared, and I made my way over to the telephones. Before placing the telephone call, one of the new C/O’s approached me. He asked me if I wanted to drive up with him tomorrow to where my crew was staying. He thought my family visit was over, and I told him “I do appreciate you thinking of me, but my family visit is on Tuesday. Had this been next Sunday, then by all means I would have gone.” This was certainly very nice, and I am starting to see more positive attitudes from some unexpected sources. Anyhow, I placed the telephone call to my mother and recounted the two days. I was still on a high from the visits, and I think I talked nonstop for the 15 minutes. As always, it was great speaking with my mom, and I will see her in two months with my younger sister.
I didn’t exercise, which was fine. I did go to dinner and had some rice and salad. After dinner, I had enough of writing as I completed five letters for the day, so I went outside. I spent the night hearing about how parole is very different on the east coast as opposed to California. This was all part of my education, and who knows how this applies to me, but it was good to hear. The night was over, and I went back to my room where I finished “Love Monkey.” It was an entertaining book. It wasn’t the best, and it wasn’t the worst. It was whimsical, and it was definitely “Sex and the City” from a male perspective. After finishing the book, I went to sleep with the thought of my family forever etched on my mind. What a wonderful weekend.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
THE VISIT
The dorm area was so quiet I couldn’t even sleep – not really. I was preoccupied with the upcoming visit with my family. I was awake at 4:00 a.m. I lay in my bed for an hour and decided it was time for me to get up. Normally, my workouts on Saturdays are relatively easy, but since it had been over a week since my last burpee/pushup routine, I needed to do one this morning. I must have been full of nervous energy because I completed my routine a full six minutes ahead of my fastest time. I couldn’t understand why I was sweating more than normal, but when I finished, I soon realized why. I would have done more exercises, but I decided to stop at 400 burpees as I wanted to be fully showered and shaved before going to breakfast. I was able to do both, and I must comment on the fact that ever since I got back from the fire, I have been using my Gillette Mach III razor, which is so much better than any other razor I have used in the past year. I had been saving this razor for the visit, and now, I am finally able to have a good shave.
I was fully showered, shaved, and dressed before breakfast. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go to breakfast, but I needed something to occupy my time, and going to breakfast fit the bill. It was uneventful, and I sat with one of the members of the “table.” I have become more familiar with this particular member, and we do have many things in common. We attended the same university (U of Maryland); we are both from the east coast; we are both very skinny as he doesn’t eat any red meat; and he, too, is an exercise fanatic. The similarities don’t stop there as he, too, was having a visit today with a family member who came a long way (east coast). We were both excited and really didn’t eat much breakfast; however, it did provide a diversion and also killed a few minutes. I returned to my room to put on my visiting clothes. I have a special set of clothes just for visiting. I even ironed them last night as they have a tendency to get very wrinkled. My “visiting clothes” are the same type of clothes I am required to wear every day; however, since these are new clothes, they are a very bright shade of orange.
I was fully dressed and waiting as patiently as I could for 8:30 a.m. when visiting opens. I have a very good view from the window in my room to the visiting area. I can see all the cars pull in and see all the visitors walk up. I was waiting for the officer to go down to the visiting center because without an officer the visiting area doesn’t open. Visiting hours are from 8:30 a.m. to 2:30 p.m.; however, sometimes the officers are late arriving and delay the process. The officer finally arrived 12 minutes (yes, I was checking) late and went about his pre-opening duties. Finally, at 8:50 a.m., the cars were allowed into the visiting parking lot. My wife had rented a car just for the weekend, and she told me it was a Ford Focus, but she didn’t know the color when I last spoke with her. Before any cars pulled into the parking lot, I was picturing a little white care. Sure enough, the fifth car to pull in was a little white car, and out walked my family.
After I saw them from my room, I just wanted to run down to them and give them a big hug; however, had I done this, I would have been in big trouble. I had to wait for my name to be called over the loudspeaker. I watched my family enter the visiting area, and 10 minutes later, my name was finally announced. I had moved outside by this time and was in the office very swiftly. I was bringing out the original marriage license and birth certificates as I had to show them to the officer checking me out. Strangely, he made copies of my children’s birth certificates even though four copies had been previously made. I was not going to question anything at this point. All I wanted to do was go down to the visiting area. After the copies were made, the originals were returned to me, and off I went to the visiting area.
The walk from the office to the visiting area takes two minutes, but I made it down in one minute today. As I neared the area, I could see my beautiful daughter standing. She quickly saw me and started running. A few steps behind her was my son who was also running toward me. My daughter reached me first and gave me a big hug. I picked her up, and it was an incredible embrace. I put my daughter down and then picked up my son for another incredible embrace. Tears welled up in my eyes, and as I put my son down, I looked over to my left and saw my wife. I walked over to her, and we embraced warmly with a kiss. This was absolutely perfect, and I cannot believe it has been over one year since I last saw them. My children have grown considerably over the past year, and my wife has gotten prettier. I am a blessed person, and I was standing there staring at three blessings in my life.
I couldn’t believe how much my daughter and son had stretched out during the year. Wow, they do grow like weeds. When I first saw how much taller they were, I wondered if anything else had changed, such as their personalities. After spending 10 minutes with them, they were the same sweet, loving, gentle, and extraordinary children I left behind last year. These are great children, and even though I had last seen them over one year ago, it was as if I had seen them last week. Oh, my. I am a very fortunate person.
I wanted time to stop today, and I was very reluctant to look at my watch. I wanted to soak in every moment of the visit. I turned my attention to my wonderful wife and noticed a beautiful face and loving smile; however, underneath there is a great deal of worry and concern. We really didn’t have much time to converse today because I was playing with the children, and the time to converse didn’t seem exactly right. I have put this woman through hell, yet she has done a remarkable job proving normalcy to our children. I could see my children were remarkably normal, and in spite of having stretched over the past year, these are the same children I said goodbye to last year. This is all very amazing, and I do wish I could put my wife’s mind at ease; however, there are so many uncertainties surrounding my release, it is hard to come up with a concrete plan. My wife has been stressed for the past year financially which, of course, is a direct result of my behavior. She has never once held this over my head, which she has every right to. Somehow, she has managed to get by for the past year, but it is taking its toll on her. I know in my heart and in my brain everything is going to work out for the best when I am released, but this does not help my wife now. She continues to pick up the pieces I left behind, and I am forever grateful. I tried my best to convey to my wife that everything will be fine, but I am not sure if my words meant much. In 7-1/2 months, I will be released, and wherever I am legally allowed to live, I will get back on my feet; however, until such time, the financial burden falls squarely on my wife’s shoulders.
Today was incredible as we laughed, played, talked, and had fun. I was able to push my children on the swing set. We also played some board games and had a quick toss with both my daughter and son. My wife brought bagels, snacks, and we grilled hot dogs for lunch. Other than this being a prison’s visiting center, it was a Saturday in the park with my family. At one point, my son lay down next to me, and I started scratching his back, head, and face. These are the moments I miss so much. It took me a very long time to realize that is isn’t the toy or the gifts to the children that are important; it is spending TIME with them. I could spend eternity with my children, and I love them so much. A very wise person once told me love for children is spelled TIME, and it is so true. A very simple scratching of my son’s back or a kiss to my daughter’s forehead has so much meaning. I am very fortunate that I only have another 7-1/2 months away from them because seeing how much they have grown in the past year, they won’t be children forever.
My daughter is essentially the same little girl I last saw as she is sweet, sensitive, loving, kind, and caring. My son has blossomed in the past year as his vocabulary has grown, and he can easily identify numbers. He is also smart as he comes up with some extraordinary statements. His personality hasn’t changed as he, too, is kind, sensitive, caring, loving, and sweet. Both of my children are adorable, and it appears my son’s blue eyes are getting lighter while my daughter’s eyes are still as blue as ever.
Where did the day go? We had 5-1/2 hours of visiting time, and before I knew it, visiting hours were over. There was one point during the day where my ever-inquisitive 9-year-old noticed the writing on my pants and shirt. I had a feeling this was going to happen, but I didn’t forewarn my wife. On my pants, the letters are CDC PRISONER as is the case on the back of my shirt. My daughter noticed this and asked me. Before I was sentenced, I explained to my daughter that I made a big mistake and would have to go away for awhile to pay for this mistake. I never mentioned the words jail or prison so as to not scare her. Now, she sees the word prisoner on my clothes and has lots of questions. I did my best to explain that yes, I am a prisoner because of the mistake I made, and this is more of a camp as opposed to a jail or prison. She seemed somewhat satisfied with this answer, but I could still see the wheels in her head clicking away. She didn’t have anymore questions, so we went on enjoying our day.
The day came to a close so quickly, and they were walking back to the car. Thankfully, they will be back tomorrow because this one day was not enough. I’m not sure if the eight days we will share together will be enough, but it has to be. Oh my, I miss them so, and I miss being a dad. I never realized how much I love being a father until today. I love being with my wife and children as I always have but never really understood how much. It is amazing how having clarity of the mind helps so much. In years gone by, my mind was so clouded with unnecessary “stuff” (for lack of a better word) that when I was physically present with my family, my mind was somewhere else. Today, I was here both physically and mentally, which was incredible. It was a wonderful day, and as they walked to the car, each one of them blew kisses in my direction as I blew kisses right back. My wife loaded up the car, and off they drove. Prior to going to the car, we all embraced and kissed warmly. My son is still very affectionate, and he loves his kisses. My daughter gave me an extra long hug, and the embrace with my wife was filled with love. Unfortunately, they cannot stay for the next 7-1/2 months, so they were on their way but will return tomorrow morning.
I made the walk back to the office seemingly on cloud nine. I was in awe of my family and how incredible they are. As I got into the office and signed back in, it was back to my reality. The officer on duty patted me down which, of course, is a reminder of my environment. I departed the office, and on the way, I saw the member from the “table” who also had his visit today. We quickly spoke about our visits, and we were both smiling from ear to ear. I went to my room where I played back the last 5-1/2 hours in my head. Instead of beating myself up, I focused on the positives, and there are so many of them starting and ending with my family. I really have been blessed with three exceptional people; my wife, daughter, and son. These are truly great people, and I love them more than anything in the world. The positive energy flows through them and into my heart. This entire journey could have destroyed our family, yet it has strengthened it, and it does get stronger each day.
I needed a few minutes to bask in the wonderful day, so I lay down on my bed. I didn’t fall asleep. I just laid there with a big smile on my face. I needed the decompression time, and after I was fully decompressed, I started writing. I wrote until it was time for dinner. I didn’t need any food so I decided to return to my room for more writing. I didn’t spend all night writing as I went outside to enjoy the sunset. As the sun was setting, I couldn’t believe how fast the day had gone. It was as if someone hit warp speed because it was truly over in the blink of an eye. The sun had set, and I went back to my overly-quiet room/dorm. I picked up “Love Monkey” and read for a few minutes before retiring to sleep. As I went to sleep, I had a weird picture in my head of my family, and my smile wasn’t going to fade.
I was fully showered, shaved, and dressed before breakfast. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go to breakfast, but I needed something to occupy my time, and going to breakfast fit the bill. It was uneventful, and I sat with one of the members of the “table.” I have become more familiar with this particular member, and we do have many things in common. We attended the same university (U of Maryland); we are both from the east coast; we are both very skinny as he doesn’t eat any red meat; and he, too, is an exercise fanatic. The similarities don’t stop there as he, too, was having a visit today with a family member who came a long way (east coast). We were both excited and really didn’t eat much breakfast; however, it did provide a diversion and also killed a few minutes. I returned to my room to put on my visiting clothes. I have a special set of clothes just for visiting. I even ironed them last night as they have a tendency to get very wrinkled. My “visiting clothes” are the same type of clothes I am required to wear every day; however, since these are new clothes, they are a very bright shade of orange.
I was fully dressed and waiting as patiently as I could for 8:30 a.m. when visiting opens. I have a very good view from the window in my room to the visiting area. I can see all the cars pull in and see all the visitors walk up. I was waiting for the officer to go down to the visiting center because without an officer the visiting area doesn’t open. Visiting hours are from 8:30 a.m. to 2:30 p.m.; however, sometimes the officers are late arriving and delay the process. The officer finally arrived 12 minutes (yes, I was checking) late and went about his pre-opening duties. Finally, at 8:50 a.m., the cars were allowed into the visiting parking lot. My wife had rented a car just for the weekend, and she told me it was a Ford Focus, but she didn’t know the color when I last spoke with her. Before any cars pulled into the parking lot, I was picturing a little white care. Sure enough, the fifth car to pull in was a little white car, and out walked my family.
After I saw them from my room, I just wanted to run down to them and give them a big hug; however, had I done this, I would have been in big trouble. I had to wait for my name to be called over the loudspeaker. I watched my family enter the visiting area, and 10 minutes later, my name was finally announced. I had moved outside by this time and was in the office very swiftly. I was bringing out the original marriage license and birth certificates as I had to show them to the officer checking me out. Strangely, he made copies of my children’s birth certificates even though four copies had been previously made. I was not going to question anything at this point. All I wanted to do was go down to the visiting area. After the copies were made, the originals were returned to me, and off I went to the visiting area.
The walk from the office to the visiting area takes two minutes, but I made it down in one minute today. As I neared the area, I could see my beautiful daughter standing. She quickly saw me and started running. A few steps behind her was my son who was also running toward me. My daughter reached me first and gave me a big hug. I picked her up, and it was an incredible embrace. I put my daughter down and then picked up my son for another incredible embrace. Tears welled up in my eyes, and as I put my son down, I looked over to my left and saw my wife. I walked over to her, and we embraced warmly with a kiss. This was absolutely perfect, and I cannot believe it has been over one year since I last saw them. My children have grown considerably over the past year, and my wife has gotten prettier. I am a blessed person, and I was standing there staring at three blessings in my life.
I couldn’t believe how much my daughter and son had stretched out during the year. Wow, they do grow like weeds. When I first saw how much taller they were, I wondered if anything else had changed, such as their personalities. After spending 10 minutes with them, they were the same sweet, loving, gentle, and extraordinary children I left behind last year. These are great children, and even though I had last seen them over one year ago, it was as if I had seen them last week. Oh, my. I am a very fortunate person.
I wanted time to stop today, and I was very reluctant to look at my watch. I wanted to soak in every moment of the visit. I turned my attention to my wonderful wife and noticed a beautiful face and loving smile; however, underneath there is a great deal of worry and concern. We really didn’t have much time to converse today because I was playing with the children, and the time to converse didn’t seem exactly right. I have put this woman through hell, yet she has done a remarkable job proving normalcy to our children. I could see my children were remarkably normal, and in spite of having stretched over the past year, these are the same children I said goodbye to last year. This is all very amazing, and I do wish I could put my wife’s mind at ease; however, there are so many uncertainties surrounding my release, it is hard to come up with a concrete plan. My wife has been stressed for the past year financially which, of course, is a direct result of my behavior. She has never once held this over my head, which she has every right to. Somehow, she has managed to get by for the past year, but it is taking its toll on her. I know in my heart and in my brain everything is going to work out for the best when I am released, but this does not help my wife now. She continues to pick up the pieces I left behind, and I am forever grateful. I tried my best to convey to my wife that everything will be fine, but I am not sure if my words meant much. In 7-1/2 months, I will be released, and wherever I am legally allowed to live, I will get back on my feet; however, until such time, the financial burden falls squarely on my wife’s shoulders.
Today was incredible as we laughed, played, talked, and had fun. I was able to push my children on the swing set. We also played some board games and had a quick toss with both my daughter and son. My wife brought bagels, snacks, and we grilled hot dogs for lunch. Other than this being a prison’s visiting center, it was a Saturday in the park with my family. At one point, my son lay down next to me, and I started scratching his back, head, and face. These are the moments I miss so much. It took me a very long time to realize that is isn’t the toy or the gifts to the children that are important; it is spending TIME with them. I could spend eternity with my children, and I love them so much. A very wise person once told me love for children is spelled TIME, and it is so true. A very simple scratching of my son’s back or a kiss to my daughter’s forehead has so much meaning. I am very fortunate that I only have another 7-1/2 months away from them because seeing how much they have grown in the past year, they won’t be children forever.
My daughter is essentially the same little girl I last saw as she is sweet, sensitive, loving, kind, and caring. My son has blossomed in the past year as his vocabulary has grown, and he can easily identify numbers. He is also smart as he comes up with some extraordinary statements. His personality hasn’t changed as he, too, is kind, sensitive, caring, loving, and sweet. Both of my children are adorable, and it appears my son’s blue eyes are getting lighter while my daughter’s eyes are still as blue as ever.
Where did the day go? We had 5-1/2 hours of visiting time, and before I knew it, visiting hours were over. There was one point during the day where my ever-inquisitive 9-year-old noticed the writing on my pants and shirt. I had a feeling this was going to happen, but I didn’t forewarn my wife. On my pants, the letters are CDC PRISONER as is the case on the back of my shirt. My daughter noticed this and asked me. Before I was sentenced, I explained to my daughter that I made a big mistake and would have to go away for awhile to pay for this mistake. I never mentioned the words jail or prison so as to not scare her. Now, she sees the word prisoner on my clothes and has lots of questions. I did my best to explain that yes, I am a prisoner because of the mistake I made, and this is more of a camp as opposed to a jail or prison. She seemed somewhat satisfied with this answer, but I could still see the wheels in her head clicking away. She didn’t have anymore questions, so we went on enjoying our day.
The day came to a close so quickly, and they were walking back to the car. Thankfully, they will be back tomorrow because this one day was not enough. I’m not sure if the eight days we will share together will be enough, but it has to be. Oh my, I miss them so, and I miss being a dad. I never realized how much I love being a father until today. I love being with my wife and children as I always have but never really understood how much. It is amazing how having clarity of the mind helps so much. In years gone by, my mind was so clouded with unnecessary “stuff” (for lack of a better word) that when I was physically present with my family, my mind was somewhere else. Today, I was here both physically and mentally, which was incredible. It was a wonderful day, and as they walked to the car, each one of them blew kisses in my direction as I blew kisses right back. My wife loaded up the car, and off they drove. Prior to going to the car, we all embraced and kissed warmly. My son is still very affectionate, and he loves his kisses. My daughter gave me an extra long hug, and the embrace with my wife was filled with love. Unfortunately, they cannot stay for the next 7-1/2 months, so they were on their way but will return tomorrow morning.
I made the walk back to the office seemingly on cloud nine. I was in awe of my family and how incredible they are. As I got into the office and signed back in, it was back to my reality. The officer on duty patted me down which, of course, is a reminder of my environment. I departed the office, and on the way, I saw the member from the “table” who also had his visit today. We quickly spoke about our visits, and we were both smiling from ear to ear. I went to my room where I played back the last 5-1/2 hours in my head. Instead of beating myself up, I focused on the positives, and there are so many of them starting and ending with my family. I really have been blessed with three exceptional people; my wife, daughter, and son. These are truly great people, and I love them more than anything in the world. The positive energy flows through them and into my heart. This entire journey could have destroyed our family, yet it has strengthened it, and it does get stronger each day.
I needed a few minutes to bask in the wonderful day, so I lay down on my bed. I didn’t fall asleep. I just laid there with a big smile on my face. I needed the decompression time, and after I was fully decompressed, I started writing. I wrote until it was time for dinner. I didn’t need any food so I decided to return to my room for more writing. I didn’t spend all night writing as I went outside to enjoy the sunset. As the sun was setting, I couldn’t believe how fast the day had gone. It was as if someone hit warp speed because it was truly over in the blink of an eye. The sun had set, and I went back to my overly-quiet room/dorm. I picked up “Love Monkey” and read for a few minutes before retiring to sleep. As I went to sleep, I had a weird picture in my head of my family, and my smile wasn’t going to fade.
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