Bye-Bye Negative Influences!!!

Here I go again with another cryptic posting because if I posted the entire story who knows what would happen!! I was up earlier then usual this morning because I had to run an errand prior to going to work. I got to the gym early; worked out and got out of there as I had planned. Incidentally my most difficult run seems to occur on Friday which is usually the shortest and less intense run of the week.

I believe this has something to do with the fact that my most intense run of the week is on Thursday and the only time I run back to back days is on Friday. Anyhow I slogged through a six mile run at such a slow pace that I should be able to do this in my sleep!! This may have been the problem because my motivation levels were low. I could feel every stride in my lower legs but magically (once again) after the five mile mark I couldn’t feel anything!!

I still managed to get a good sweat even though time wise and mile wise this was my least productive run of the week. I seem to raise the level of intensity in that last mile so I can get a good sweat. I don’t believe this is the intent of the training program but something in my sick little head pushes me very hard in that last mile. I could also feel a slight discomfort in my right calf muscle. This discomfort really only bothers me when I stretch it out or if I am sitting down.

Strangely enough the discomfort disappears when I am running which probably has something to with the blood pooling in this area. I would describe the discomfort as a tear in the muscle. That does sound foreboding but for the most part the discomfort which I wouldn’t even label as pain goes away more then it arrives. I will keep an eye on it and judge my runs according. I am training like I am running the San Diego Rock n’ Roll marathon on June 1st even though I may not run in it.

There is a fantastic half marathon (13.1 miles) next weekend and I have run this half marathon on two other occasions. Most of the run is along the Pacific Ocean and then it goes up a very steep incline (one year I witnessed a man who was running have a heart attack going up the steep incline) and ends up at a beautiful cove along the Pacific Ocean. The two times I ran this my family did not attend so it wouldn’t be like the Rock n’ Roll marathon and since I am not allowed to go to my daughter’s communion next week running in the half marathon maybe a good alternative. Of course; these races aren’t cheap and I have to be fiscally responsible because I don’t know how much longer my job is going to last. Of course; I will continue to take this one day at a time but I have to have my eye on the future when my family returns in July.

Alright I got a bit off track there and I apologize. The workout was finished and I ventured on to my errand. This errand took me much longer then I expected and I got much less accomplished then I expected. It really was a simple task but I have come to realize what I view as simple others may view as complicated. I walked out of the errand shaking my head because I was given conflicting reports. I did formulate a plan as I drove back to the office and I put this plan into effect once I arrive at the office. Again; what I view as something that makes sense may not be viewed the same as others. I finished the plan and followed up.

True to form I received conflicting information from the same person. I did all I could to refute this conflicting information but it made no difference. I was shaking my head and just smiling as I listened. I really couldn’t believe my ears but when I heard one statement it all made sense. It was all about covering one’s own “butt” and I heard the words I knew I would hear; “I won’t put my job on the line”. I can understand this statement because it truly is about the individual. I was hoping for more empathy and compassion but those terms do not even enter into the equation. I am all for consistency and honesty; today I didn’t receive either of these. I am truly at a lost but thankfully in recovery I know to accept these things and look for the wisdom to know the difference.

I relayed the “real story” to my mother and God bless her because she holds nothing back. My mother stated; “I am getting sick to my stomach just listening to this” and yes, this would be a correct sentiment; however; there is an external source in my life that I brought in my life and I must deal with this source for the next 11 months (oh yes, I am counting down the days). I really don’t have much interaction with this external source but there have been two issues which has brought me face to face with this external source. I was hoping for a positive outcome but this was not the case. It truly is what it is and I don’t know what else I can do. I won’t dwell on this even though it is very frustrating; I will move forward in a positive manner.

I thought about this last night before I went to sleep and I realize how much energy I spend on external negative influences. I will not spend any extra effort on these negative influences because it serves no purpose. The only purpose it serves is to bring me down. I will not allow this to bring my down and my head is held high, I have a big smile on my face because I know this is all working out the way it is supposed to. There is a reason all of this is working out in this manner and that reason will surface shortly if it hasn’t surfaced already. I can analyze this to death but again this serves no purpose other then wasting my energy. My energy needs to be directed into positive areas and this is exactly where it will reside.

I had enough of sitting inside so I decided to play golf by myself this afternoon. Usually my boss plays golf on Friday but he has finally realized that this isn’t where he needs to be since the business isn’t going so well. I on the other hand needed some fresh air, green grass and golf balls!! I will go into the office tomorrow after the GA meeting and ensure all of my work is in order so this afternoon I drove to a brand new golf course and played golf. I am pleasantly surprised because the cost of the golf courses isn’t nearly as high as I remembered. I played a fantastic golf course today for only $30. If this golf course were in Las Vegas the green fees would be over $200!!

I was paired up with a very nice gentleman who was there by himself as well. This nice gentleman was a very good golfer and we played with two other good guys to round out the foursome. I played very well and I played not so very well. The very well out numbered the not so very well but my score was affected in a higher proportion by the not so very well. I am getting more confident in my golf game and I can see returning to level where I once was. I had more “pure” shots then I have had since my release and this is very positive. The day was well spent outdoors, enjoying the warm temperatures and whacking around the golf ball. The negative influences are gone and have been banished from my life. I am a big believer in karma and as long as I stay positive great things will continue to happen.