Rollercoaster in my Head

Here I am once again staring at the blank page and there are many thoughts running through my brain. These thought run the gamut from elation to remorse and everything in between. I seem to be doing very well but then a reminder crops up like the two today. These are the constant reminders of my past misdeeds and yes, I need to “get over it” but these are true feelings and one of the ways I like to express myself is through this blog so please indulge me for a minute or more.

The first reminder came via a telephone call and how I was treated which is much less then I would ever treat anyone. I am not exactly enamored with being called by only my last name as this is exactly what transpired for the 19 ½ months of my incarceration. I do believe this is done on purpose to keep any personal or emotional distance which may make sense “inside”. However; out here on the “outside” it is a bit distasteful but it is something I must get used to. I really was hoping my time on parole would be a little different then life on the “inside” and I am still holding out this hope.

Yes, on the telephone call I wasn’t treated as I would have expected but this is all part of the punishment. I am eternally grateful to be on the “outside” and enjoying life one moment at a time. I am peaking ahead to having those moments add up and then most of my prohibitions will be behind me. I do find myself going into a shell when I get these telephone calls because I am so apprehensive to say the wrong thing which is why I remain silent.

This was the case today when I was told about another parolee who was sent back to prison for having a job that went against her parole conditions. Apparently as it was told to me this person took a job and did not inform their employer about the fact that she was on parole. This is not the case with me as my employer knows all the facts in my case. I do tend to project because the “powers that be” seem to make generalizations which concerns me very much. I am all about full disclosure and often times I wonder if what I say is actually being understood. I don’t have anything to concern myself with as I am doing the right thing each and everyday but I do have a watchful eye.

I could feel my heart rate speed up during the conversation and this always seems to be the case. I say the “Serenity Prayer” to myself which does help to calm me down but after the telephone call my mind does wander off into so many different directions. I consider myself a fairly reasonable and somewhat intelligent person but in these instances it is often as if a foreign body invades my mind. This is all on me and I am allowing those external factors to influence me. It is up to me to block these out and continue on the positive path of recovery. This is exactly my intention.

The second reminder came in the lack of a telephone call. I was hoping to wrap up some unfinished business this morning and I was all set to have a conversation but that conversation never transpired. This isn’t shocking and should be expected. Once again my expectation level was a bit high as I was hoping to square these issues away. I will be able to square these issues away but not at this point. Once again I am allowing myself back on the roller coast ride of emotions. Most of the day I am exceedingly positive but there are times (thankfully a small period of time) where I get down on myself. I guess this is “normal” (I don’t like this word but I couldn’t think of a better word) and I surmise there will be more times like these as the days pass.

Yesterday evening I concluded the wonderful day having dinner with my dear friend. Our dinners were a little different as my friend went with the “breakfast for dinner” entrée and I had the faux (soy) Italian sausage sandwich. No, we didn’t dine out on the Pacific Ocean like the lunch we dined at the kitchen table. The food was just sustenance but the conversation was nutrition for my brain and soul. I continue to learn so much during these conversations and I am so grateful for these occasions.

I watched a little of the news before falling asleep and unlike yesterday where there was the pitter patter of little feet emanating from the family room at the wee hours of the morning everything in the house remained silent. I was more tired this morning then any other morning this week. I had to push myself to get out of bed and to get moving. The critical aspect is getting my feet off of the bed and on to the floor. Once this is accomplished it is all downhill from there. It did take longer then usual to finally get my feet on the floor but once they hit the floor I was off and running for the day. I did head to the gym for my daily morning work out. My friend was not there this morning so all I did was exercise.

Today I deviated from the training program and ran a little faster then prescribed. I thought I would only run the first mile faster and then fall back to the required pace for the next 7 miles but me being the “over-achiever” I continued on the fast pace for all 8 miles. This week is a consistent week in terms of miles and pace but I thought I would apply my own twist to the workout. I had a great run and I can sweat with the best of them. It does look like I went swimming when I am finished with my aerobic activities and today was no exception. I think I am detoxifying my body each time I do this because there isn’t a part of my body that isn’t drenched from sweat. I hope this is a good thing and I would guess that it is.

After the workout it was just like any other work day I went on to work. I am very fortunate to have where I live, exercise and work all in a 10 mile area. I never seem to have to be in the car for more then 15 minutes and with the gas prices headed toward $4 a gallon (probably will make there this weekend) at least I don’t have to utilize much gas. I arrived at work to field that telephone call and to wait for the other telephone call that never arrived. I must say that the people I work with are wonderful. This is a great closed knit group and I do hope things turnaround because these folks deserve nothing but the best.