Yesterday evening in preparation for the big GA “birthday” celebration I needed to go to Costco to pick up some things. This was the first time I had gone into Costco since my release and I think I was hit with sensory overload. It is a good thing I don’t have the ability to spend much money because last night I wanted to buy so much which is very different for me. In the past I wouldn’t “just buy things” even though I had the means which may not make sense knowing what I was doing at the time but this is the truth.
Things seem to have changed or maybe the fact that I couldn’t buy these things made me want to buy them. Whatever the case I walked down several aisles and wanted to purchase many of the items. Comparing the prices in Costco to the prices in the local grocery stores well there is no comparison as Costco prices are so much more inexpensive. The only problem I have is right now I am just one person so buying in bulk is problematic from a financial and a storage standpoint. I do see spending most of our money on the necessities at Costco and having the trips to the grocery stores lessened considerably.
I picked up the things I needed and I did add a couple of things that I could afford. Then I picked up the pizzas for the “birthday” celebration and headed back to the office. I set up the room in preparation for the meeting and waited for people to arrive and people most certainly did arrive. My dear friend “packed” them in last night as the meeting usually has 15 attendees; last night we doubled that number and it was a wonderful meeting. Part of the birthday celebration entails roasting the birthday celebrant and my dear friend was indeed roasted from so many members but it was all good natured roasting. There were some very good things said about my dear friend and it was a great evening.
The mixture of old and new members was indeed evident last night at the meeting. One particular new member was having difficulty with just about everything. Most of the meeting was very upbeat but this member did put it all in perspective for me that compulsive gambling is a horrible insidious baffling disease and makes people do insane things. I was happy to hear the things this new member was saying because it reinforces my recovery and my need for GA. There is a clear choice for me between gambling and not gambling. Gambling would bring death for me while not gambling brings life; fairly easy decision!!!!
I was honored to chair the meeting last night and there were so many good things shared. This is a very special program and there are so many very special people in this program and I am forever grateful for all of this. These birthday celebrations are great because it brings all the principles of the program together and I was very happy to be a small part of this celebration.
The celebration/meeting was over and I helped clean up along with taking some of the leftover pizza. (I still have a habit of overbuying food as there was more then enough pizza leftover over for an extra 1 ½ pizzas.) I headed home where my dear friend and I recapped the evening’s celebration. We agreed it was a success and I was happy with the way everything turned out.
I did open my mouth and insert foot as I spoke with my dear friend. It was one of those moments where when I finished saying the words I knew instantly that I shouldn’t have said anything. In the true spirit of not dwelling in the past; even though the past represented 2 seconds ago; I quickly changed the subject but had to apologize to my dear friend this morning. I do have to be mindful of what I say because there is a time and a place for everything but last night was not the time even though it may have been the place.
The wonderful evening was over and I was very tired so I went to sleep earlier then usual. I was still a little weary this morning as I got up to go exercise but I forced myself out of the bed. I forced myself out of bed by getting my feet on the floor and once they were on the floor I went about my early morning routine. I went to the gym and had a very good workout. Today is my only day where I don’t run and I did the cycle this morning. This was a good change of pace and I can feel that I have gotten stronger in terms of aerobic capacity because I did a workout that usually gets me winded but it took me much longer to get winded. I attribute this to my running regimen and I am enjoying myself.
I arrived at work like I usually do and went about my daily business. There wasn’t anything earth-shattering happening as we are in the “calm before the storm” part of the business. It appears things should start happening fairly quickly and I don’t know if those things will be positive or negative. I am hoping for the positive and do know whatever it is; it will be for the very best.
The highlight of my day comes when I speak with my family and today was no exception. I got a full recap of last night’s softball and baseball games from my daughter and son. The teams weren’t very successful but my daughter and son had fun which is all that matters. I can’t wait to go to one of their events because they are getting so much more confident then the last time I watched them. This is really fun and I can sense the excitement in their voices. Of course I spoke with my wife who was kind enough to speak with one of the people I spoke with the other day who are facing what my wife faced two years ago. It sounded like a good conversation and I am sure it helped as the conversation we had with the couple who went through what we were about to go through two years ago. Life is indeed mysterious but I am it is my pleasure to experience this mystery each and everyday.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Wonderama
Yesterday evening was the every other week Speaker’s meeting in Gamblers Anonymous. The speaker was a dear friend of mine and even though I had heard parts of the story previously I enjoyed the meeting immensely. Not only did this dear friend speak but there were two more new members which makes four new members in two days. The meetings do go in cycles when new members arrive and lately we are in an “up” cycle with new members. One of the new members from the previous night came back for their second meeting which is always a positive sign. The younger member from Sunday evening was not expected back as their job has them hundreds of miles away; hopefully I will see this person again next week.
Gamblers Anonymous would be a very strange fellowship if new members stopped arriving. I fear recovery would be hindered because when new member do arrive the focus is solely on them and how the program changes lives for the better. I am grateful for the new members and there is a small part of me that would like to know why they stop coming along with how their lives are going without Gamblers Anonymous.
I do believe I garnered a tremendous awareness of myself and my compulsive gambling problem when I entered that room over three years ago. However; I know I cannot walk away from this program because it is what I need to survive. I tried to stop gambling without GA and it was an utter disaster and I certainly don’t want to replicate that disaster which is why I am committed to the Program one meeting at a time.
The format of the Speaker’s meeting is different then any other meeting we have in the area but I do enjoy the change of pace. It is great to hear the full story on some of our members and I have been shocked by most of what I have heard at these meetings. This shock is very positive and not judgmental whatsoever. I continue to learn to only take inventory of myself and I have to remain mindful of this fact each and everyday. I do find myself slipping into judging of others and I do have a long way to go in this area of one of the many character defects I possess. I have found it always easier to cast stones on others instead of looking within myself; however; this is detrimental to my recovery which is why I catch myself often from passing judgments on others.
The meeting went very well and I returned home for the rest of the evening. Mondays are long days along with Tuesdays but I am grateful for these long days and I am so grateful all I have to do is walk down the hall to attend the GA meetings on Monday and Tuesday. Another grateful thing in my life are my dear friends who have put a roof over my head for these past two months and with the way things are shaping up it will be another two months before I can venture out on my own. These are very special people and I spent the remainder of the evening talking with them and watching videos of the “Wonderama” on You Tube. If you are under the age of 40 you probably don’t remember this program but I remember it will and so did my friend.
I thought “Wonderama” was only a regional show broadcast in the New York area but my friend who grew up here in California remembered watching it many years ago as a child. You Tube is quite fascinating as there are so many videos available and my friends were able to pull up clips from Wonderama broadcast over 30 plus years ago. We also perused through old childhood shows such as the “Banana Splits” amongst others and these were tacky shows. The children’s shows have come along way and watching these shows now may explain why I am so screwed up now!!! Just kidding I have so many other issues not withstanding “Sigmund and the Sea Monsters”!!!!
The evening went by so quickly and it was time for me to go to sleep. I woke up ready to work out and when I got to the gym I did see my friend who was having all the problems last week. I was happy to hear his mother was improving but he had other issues to deal with. This conversation does add to my workout but I don’t mind in the least. I am helping this find out next week as they go in for surgery and I am very happy to finally give instead of constantly receiving.
The workout was very good and it was on to work. Things are happening at work and the ironies in my life continue as my old employer may save my current employer. It is truly amazing as to how life works and some of this stuff are stranger then fiction. I can’t really go into details at this point and if I did it would be like reading fiction but I am hopeful things will continue on the proper path.
I had an interview of sorts today and it went well I just have to decide if this is what I want to do and put all my efforts into this. As I was driving to the interview my Parole Agent called and informed me she would be coming by the house shortly. I told her I was not near the house and wouldn’t be there for at least another two hours so we agreed I would come to her office on Thursday for the monthly check-in meeting. Once again I will continue to do what I am told and I will do it very cheerfully. Sure the price of gas is exorbitant but if I have to drive 60 miles then I will drive the 60 miles with a smile on my face. The smile on my face continues and I am looking forward to a great GA celebration this evening when we celebrate a dear friend’s of mine birthday/anniversary in the Program.
Gamblers Anonymous would be a very strange fellowship if new members stopped arriving. I fear recovery would be hindered because when new member do arrive the focus is solely on them and how the program changes lives for the better. I am grateful for the new members and there is a small part of me that would like to know why they stop coming along with how their lives are going without Gamblers Anonymous.
I do believe I garnered a tremendous awareness of myself and my compulsive gambling problem when I entered that room over three years ago. However; I know I cannot walk away from this program because it is what I need to survive. I tried to stop gambling without GA and it was an utter disaster and I certainly don’t want to replicate that disaster which is why I am committed to the Program one meeting at a time.
The format of the Speaker’s meeting is different then any other meeting we have in the area but I do enjoy the change of pace. It is great to hear the full story on some of our members and I have been shocked by most of what I have heard at these meetings. This shock is very positive and not judgmental whatsoever. I continue to learn to only take inventory of myself and I have to remain mindful of this fact each and everyday. I do find myself slipping into judging of others and I do have a long way to go in this area of one of the many character defects I possess. I have found it always easier to cast stones on others instead of looking within myself; however; this is detrimental to my recovery which is why I catch myself often from passing judgments on others.
The meeting went very well and I returned home for the rest of the evening. Mondays are long days along with Tuesdays but I am grateful for these long days and I am so grateful all I have to do is walk down the hall to attend the GA meetings on Monday and Tuesday. Another grateful thing in my life are my dear friends who have put a roof over my head for these past two months and with the way things are shaping up it will be another two months before I can venture out on my own. These are very special people and I spent the remainder of the evening talking with them and watching videos of the “Wonderama” on You Tube. If you are under the age of 40 you probably don’t remember this program but I remember it will and so did my friend.
I thought “Wonderama” was only a regional show broadcast in the New York area but my friend who grew up here in California remembered watching it many years ago as a child. You Tube is quite fascinating as there are so many videos available and my friends were able to pull up clips from Wonderama broadcast over 30 plus years ago. We also perused through old childhood shows such as the “Banana Splits” amongst others and these were tacky shows. The children’s shows have come along way and watching these shows now may explain why I am so screwed up now!!! Just kidding I have so many other issues not withstanding “Sigmund and the Sea Monsters”!!!!
The evening went by so quickly and it was time for me to go to sleep. I woke up ready to work out and when I got to the gym I did see my friend who was having all the problems last week. I was happy to hear his mother was improving but he had other issues to deal with. This conversation does add to my workout but I don’t mind in the least. I am helping this find out next week as they go in for surgery and I am very happy to finally give instead of constantly receiving.
The workout was very good and it was on to work. Things are happening at work and the ironies in my life continue as my old employer may save my current employer. It is truly amazing as to how life works and some of this stuff are stranger then fiction. I can’t really go into details at this point and if I did it would be like reading fiction but I am hopeful things will continue on the proper path.
I had an interview of sorts today and it went well I just have to decide if this is what I want to do and put all my efforts into this. As I was driving to the interview my Parole Agent called and informed me she would be coming by the house shortly. I told her I was not near the house and wouldn’t be there for at least another two hours so we agreed I would come to her office on Thursday for the monthly check-in meeting. Once again I will continue to do what I am told and I will do it very cheerfully. Sure the price of gas is exorbitant but if I have to drive 60 miles then I will drive the 60 miles with a smile on my face. The smile on my face continues and I am looking forward to a great GA celebration this evening when we celebrate a dear friend’s of mine birthday/anniversary in the Program.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Deja Vu in Reverse
I have come to the belief that everything in my life does happen for a reason. I may not be aware of this reason when these things happen and secondly I may never fully understand the reasons for the things that happen but my life is based on a positive. In this positive purpose everything does happen for a reason. Yesterday my family had a wonderful at my daughter communion ceremony and reception while I remained 3,000 miles away legally prohibited from leaving the state of California. Instead of attending the Communion ceremony and reception I was here attending my regular Gamblers Anonymous meeting. At this meeting was two brand new (first time) members or shall I say attendees.
One member was quite young and was accompanied by their parents. When I say quite young I mean someone who is not technically of age to gamble in most jurisdictions. I listened to the story of what brought this person to GA and noticed many similarities to my own story over 20 years ago. Normally when a new person enters the room the focus is on the new members and the therapy is geared for the new members.
Last night we had a double dose of new members so the therapy was definitely geared toward these members. I do the same and gear my therapy towards the newer members but often times I leave out pieces of my story because I don’t want to drone for a long time. Last night I did leave out certain pieces but I hit on the highlights (maybe lowlights in some circles!!) emphasizing I was given the opportunity to enter recovery at the age of 18 but ignored all the warning signs which led me to some very bad places.
It would be very egotistically of me to even think the reason why I was in the meeting last night instead of being at my daughter’s communion was because this very young person would be in the GA meeting. I do hope that this person took some credence to what I said and doesn’t have to learn the way I continue to learn. Yes, there was a reason I remained in California and I am so fortunate to be a part of such a wonderful program in Gamblers Anonymous. I do believe it is very difficult for a young person to understand the value of recovery because I vividly remember when I was 18 thinking I was invincible and much smarter then everyone. I did lose the invincibility aspect and it has taken me 20 plus years to finally lose the; I am smarter then everyone destructive thought process.
I don’t know what this person gleaned from the meeting but I do hope an ounce of awareness and realization that compulsive gambling causes unbelievable amounts of destruction. I was given a similar warning when I was 18 years old but I chose to ignore it because I had no idea the depths of my compulsive gambling addiction. Of course hindsight is 20/20 and looking back now with the things I have come to understand; I made a huge mistake not heading any of the advice I was given. I must say this person last night had a leg up on me when I was that age because this person actually entered the GA room whereas I was too scared to enter the room. I can only hope things work out for the very best and also hope to see this person at another meeting very soon because the GA Program does provide miracles.
I did have a good day in spite of the fact my entire family was spending the day together in celebration. I had my celebration listening to my family recount the day’s events and view the photographs I had been sent. I completed the day talking with my good friend and then falling asleep. I had a very restful night’s sleep and woke up very refreshed. Mondays are my scheduled day off from working out and I stuck to this schedule even though I took an unscheduled day off on Friday. This is more of a heavy running week compared to last week so I did need my rest.
I departed for work and after making stops at my new favorite stores (Henry’s Marketplace and Bruegger’s Bagels) I arrived at work much earlier then usual. I do have to comment about the Henry’s Marketplace store and say I can spend a great deal of money here because they have a selection catered to my finicky palate!!! Usually nothing strikes me when I walk down a regular grocery store’s aisle but at Henry’s I found myself saying; “I can eat that, I can eat that, and I can eat that!!” The problem is these entrees are very expensive although they do have very good sales which are my new thing; to buy only items on sale!! Sorry about the digression; I arrived at work and I was expecting a call from my Parole Agent who informed last week that they would be stopping by for the monthly visit.
I went about my day and I received a very interesting telephone call. This telephone call was déjà vu but in reverse. Over three years ago when I entered recovery and was faced with what I perceived to be a very daunting journey I reached out to anyone who would talk with me. I continue to meet so many wonderful people who have helped me in so many ways. Well today the situation was reversed and I spoke with someone who is facing what I faced over three years ago. This is such a scary situation and I remember quite vividly being extremely uneasy and stressed. I sensed this uneasiness and stress in the conversation and all I could do was to relay what I have gone through in the past three years.
My focus in the conversation and in life is recovery because this continues to provide me with a great life in so many different ways. The wounds of this person were very fresh and I don’t know if I shed any light on their particular situation. I do know when I was faced with the difficult journey I did get solace in speaking with people who had gone through similar situations. Two years ago my wife and I had a lovely lunch with another couple who went through a very similar situation to what we were about to go through. This couple was on the “other side” and I saw firsthand that it is possible to come through the difficult journey into a wonderful life. I was certainly educated going into my experience and I am forever grateful to everyone. Hopefully today I was able to give back since I have received so much in the past three years.
As I mentioned I thought my Parole Agent was coming to see me today but this never materialized. This is the first time this has happened and my cynical view sort of believes this is part of some master plan knowing I wanted to go to New Jersey over the weekend but I doubt it is part of any conspiracy!!
One member was quite young and was accompanied by their parents. When I say quite young I mean someone who is not technically of age to gamble in most jurisdictions. I listened to the story of what brought this person to GA and noticed many similarities to my own story over 20 years ago. Normally when a new person enters the room the focus is on the new members and the therapy is geared for the new members.
Last night we had a double dose of new members so the therapy was definitely geared toward these members. I do the same and gear my therapy towards the newer members but often times I leave out pieces of my story because I don’t want to drone for a long time. Last night I did leave out certain pieces but I hit on the highlights (maybe lowlights in some circles!!) emphasizing I was given the opportunity to enter recovery at the age of 18 but ignored all the warning signs which led me to some very bad places.
It would be very egotistically of me to even think the reason why I was in the meeting last night instead of being at my daughter’s communion was because this very young person would be in the GA meeting. I do hope that this person took some credence to what I said and doesn’t have to learn the way I continue to learn. Yes, there was a reason I remained in California and I am so fortunate to be a part of such a wonderful program in Gamblers Anonymous. I do believe it is very difficult for a young person to understand the value of recovery because I vividly remember when I was 18 thinking I was invincible and much smarter then everyone. I did lose the invincibility aspect and it has taken me 20 plus years to finally lose the; I am smarter then everyone destructive thought process.
I don’t know what this person gleaned from the meeting but I do hope an ounce of awareness and realization that compulsive gambling causes unbelievable amounts of destruction. I was given a similar warning when I was 18 years old but I chose to ignore it because I had no idea the depths of my compulsive gambling addiction. Of course hindsight is 20/20 and looking back now with the things I have come to understand; I made a huge mistake not heading any of the advice I was given. I must say this person last night had a leg up on me when I was that age because this person actually entered the GA room whereas I was too scared to enter the room. I can only hope things work out for the very best and also hope to see this person at another meeting very soon because the GA Program does provide miracles.
I did have a good day in spite of the fact my entire family was spending the day together in celebration. I had my celebration listening to my family recount the day’s events and view the photographs I had been sent. I completed the day talking with my good friend and then falling asleep. I had a very restful night’s sleep and woke up very refreshed. Mondays are my scheduled day off from working out and I stuck to this schedule even though I took an unscheduled day off on Friday. This is more of a heavy running week compared to last week so I did need my rest.
I departed for work and after making stops at my new favorite stores (Henry’s Marketplace and Bruegger’s Bagels) I arrived at work much earlier then usual. I do have to comment about the Henry’s Marketplace store and say I can spend a great deal of money here because they have a selection catered to my finicky palate!!! Usually nothing strikes me when I walk down a regular grocery store’s aisle but at Henry’s I found myself saying; “I can eat that, I can eat that, and I can eat that!!” The problem is these entrees are very expensive although they do have very good sales which are my new thing; to buy only items on sale!! Sorry about the digression; I arrived at work and I was expecting a call from my Parole Agent who informed last week that they would be stopping by for the monthly visit.
I went about my day and I received a very interesting telephone call. This telephone call was déjà vu but in reverse. Over three years ago when I entered recovery and was faced with what I perceived to be a very daunting journey I reached out to anyone who would talk with me. I continue to meet so many wonderful people who have helped me in so many ways. Well today the situation was reversed and I spoke with someone who is facing what I faced over three years ago. This is such a scary situation and I remember quite vividly being extremely uneasy and stressed. I sensed this uneasiness and stress in the conversation and all I could do was to relay what I have gone through in the past three years.
My focus in the conversation and in life is recovery because this continues to provide me with a great life in so many different ways. The wounds of this person were very fresh and I don’t know if I shed any light on their particular situation. I do know when I was faced with the difficult journey I did get solace in speaking with people who had gone through similar situations. Two years ago my wife and I had a lovely lunch with another couple who went through a very similar situation to what we were about to go through. This couple was on the “other side” and I saw firsthand that it is possible to come through the difficult journey into a wonderful life. I was certainly educated going into my experience and I am forever grateful to everyone. Hopefully today I was able to give back since I have received so much in the past three years.
As I mentioned I thought my Parole Agent was coming to see me today but this never materialized. This is the first time this has happened and my cynical view sort of believes this is part of some master plan knowing I wanted to go to New Jersey over the weekend but I doubt it is part of any conspiracy!!
Sunday, April 27, 2008
My Daughter's Communion
Yesterday evening was another “outstanding” evening with my friends. It seems the last few Saturday nights we sit around watching the “Suze Orman Show” followed by “Deal or No Deal.” Up until a few weeks ago I may have seen 5 minutes of both these shows now we seem to make it a point on our Saturday evening to watch these shows. I have to admit these shows are quite entertaining and the segment “Can I Afford It” on the Suze Orman Show is very funny. I don’t think the producers were going for the comedy content but with my friends we invariably sit around laughing at the program. Then comes “Deal or No Deal” which I believe is a well done show. Make no mistake this program is gambling and certainly does not fit my recovery; however; from a pure entertainment perspective it is very well done. The show is indeed funny and again with my friends the comedic level rises.
I had enough fun for a Saturday evening and retired to bed. I was having difficulty falling asleep which is not surprising because my thoughts were thousands of miles away. Last night was the night before my daughter’s communion and my entire family came from various parts of the country to celebrate the day with my daughter. The only one missing would be me and I won’t sugarcoat it; this hurts.
I’m not a practicing Catholic but my wife is and yes, I still have issues with the Catholic Church but unlike previously these are my issues and my issues alone. I won’t allow them to seep into my wife and my children. My wife intends to raise our children Catholic and I do think this is a wonderful idea. The sacrament of Communion is a big deal in the Catholic religion sort of a pre-bah mitzvah as compared to the Jewish religion. This day was very important to my wife and my mother-in-law and they went all out. This is indeed wonderful because they do display a great deal of love.
Once again; I have to stop being so selfish and inserting my ideals into other people. My wife is an incredible woman and I have put her through so much. I would have loved to go to the Communion ceremony but even with all my good intentions some where some way it just wasn’t going to happen. I have come to terms with this but in a word it really “sucks”. Last night I had a choice which was to sit in bed lamenting my faith or letting go of the ill feelings.
After a few minutes of consternating I let go of my ill feelings. I do feel bad for my daughter and my wife that I couldn’t be there when all of our family was there but those great philosophical words ring true; “it is what it is.” Also there is a reason why I was not allowed to go and that reason is quite simple; due to my compulsive gambling addiction my life is not my own and I still have 11 more months before my life becomes my own. I continue to be grateful for all the wonderful events in my life and this is all thanks to recovery. I will not deter myself because I love my life and the peace I continue to experience each and everyday of my life.
I did finally fall asleep and slept quite soundly. The first thing I did when I got up this morning was to call my family. I wanted to speak with my daughter before the ceremony and I was able to speak with her. I could sense the excitement in her voice along with the some nervousness. My daughter has such an incredibly positive attitude and I knew everything would go very well. I also spoke with my wife and she was happy the day had finally arrived after all of the planning. Once again I did feel sorry for myself but I snapped out of it rather quickly. I wished them a great day and I would talk to them again after everything was completed.
As the telephone call ended I knew I needed to stay busy this morning to keep my mind occupied. I didn’t have anything planned expect for my usual of working out this morning and this is exactly what I did. I took my time at the gym and got a great workout but my eye was on the clock. The ceremony for the Communion commenced at noon east coast time and yes, I did peak at the clock exactly at noon. A smile came across my face knowing that there was so much love with my family. I not only have a wonderful family but I have a wonderful family through and through. I stepped up the intensity of my workout during this time period and before I knew it an hour elapsed. With this hour elapsing I realized the ceremony was now over. I wasn’t finished with my workout as I had 8 miles to run. I ran the 8 miles a little differently then suggested; my level of intensity was much higher and once again before I knew it an hour had elapsed.
I showered and exited the gym as I got into my car I checked my cell phone and sure enough there were two photos from my mother of my daughter in her beautiful communion dress. My daughter was beaming from ear to ear and she looked magnificent. My little girl is growing up so quickly. I returned home and had some lunch. After lunch I called my mother who gave me a full rundown on the Communion ceremony as she sat at the reception. My mother’s words were “your daughter was beaming the entire time and she looked so beautiful”. Yes, everything went off well and everyone was having a great time at the reception. I had to smile because my mother was so careful not to say “I wish you were here”, because she knows that just wasn’t going to happen.
I had a wonderful telephone call with my mother and I kept busy with doing laundry all afternoon along with talking on the telephone with dear friends. In GA we have a saying, “use the telephone list” and I was using the telephone list. The afternoon passed as quickly as I talked on the telephone and then I was able to speak with my two sisters and my father. They each gave me a rundown of the day’s events and yes, everyone had rave reviews. As was the case with my mother; my father and sisters did not mention me not being there as the point was superfluous. The event was a resounding success and all went very well.
It was time for me to go to the Sunday evening GA meeting when my daughter called. She had a great day but she did say; “I thought you might surprise me so I was sort of expecting that you would have come”. Of course this tugged on my heart but as much as I wanted to go not having the permission to travel meant I couldn’t travel. This was a big event in my daughter’s life but I have to obey (as much as I disagree) the terms I have been given. My daughter recounted the day’s events as well and having heard it from 5 different people I did feel like I was there. I could feel the love emanating from the telephone. After speaking with my daughter I spoke briefly with my son then my wife. My wife was relieved the day was over and very happy everything went so well. She did have some thoughts of me surprising her with an arrival but again that did not happen.
The communion event was all over and now my focus is on seeing my family in July. I did receive many photos of the event and I must say it was sort of strange seeing photographs of my entire family minus me. This may sound dire and I don’t mean it this way so please forgive but viewing these photos was sort of an out of body experience. I was missing from the photos and that is just the way it is. I happy the event is over and everything went very well. My attitude remains positive and in a little over two months I will be with my family once again. We will be reunited and I will continue living positively one day at a time for a lifetime.
I had enough fun for a Saturday evening and retired to bed. I was having difficulty falling asleep which is not surprising because my thoughts were thousands of miles away. Last night was the night before my daughter’s communion and my entire family came from various parts of the country to celebrate the day with my daughter. The only one missing would be me and I won’t sugarcoat it; this hurts.
I’m not a practicing Catholic but my wife is and yes, I still have issues with the Catholic Church but unlike previously these are my issues and my issues alone. I won’t allow them to seep into my wife and my children. My wife intends to raise our children Catholic and I do think this is a wonderful idea. The sacrament of Communion is a big deal in the Catholic religion sort of a pre-bah mitzvah as compared to the Jewish religion. This day was very important to my wife and my mother-in-law and they went all out. This is indeed wonderful because they do display a great deal of love.
Once again; I have to stop being so selfish and inserting my ideals into other people. My wife is an incredible woman and I have put her through so much. I would have loved to go to the Communion ceremony but even with all my good intentions some where some way it just wasn’t going to happen. I have come to terms with this but in a word it really “sucks”. Last night I had a choice which was to sit in bed lamenting my faith or letting go of the ill feelings.
After a few minutes of consternating I let go of my ill feelings. I do feel bad for my daughter and my wife that I couldn’t be there when all of our family was there but those great philosophical words ring true; “it is what it is.” Also there is a reason why I was not allowed to go and that reason is quite simple; due to my compulsive gambling addiction my life is not my own and I still have 11 more months before my life becomes my own. I continue to be grateful for all the wonderful events in my life and this is all thanks to recovery. I will not deter myself because I love my life and the peace I continue to experience each and everyday of my life.
I did finally fall asleep and slept quite soundly. The first thing I did when I got up this morning was to call my family. I wanted to speak with my daughter before the ceremony and I was able to speak with her. I could sense the excitement in her voice along with the some nervousness. My daughter has such an incredibly positive attitude and I knew everything would go very well. I also spoke with my wife and she was happy the day had finally arrived after all of the planning. Once again I did feel sorry for myself but I snapped out of it rather quickly. I wished them a great day and I would talk to them again after everything was completed.
As the telephone call ended I knew I needed to stay busy this morning to keep my mind occupied. I didn’t have anything planned expect for my usual of working out this morning and this is exactly what I did. I took my time at the gym and got a great workout but my eye was on the clock. The ceremony for the Communion commenced at noon east coast time and yes, I did peak at the clock exactly at noon. A smile came across my face knowing that there was so much love with my family. I not only have a wonderful family but I have a wonderful family through and through. I stepped up the intensity of my workout during this time period and before I knew it an hour elapsed. With this hour elapsing I realized the ceremony was now over. I wasn’t finished with my workout as I had 8 miles to run. I ran the 8 miles a little differently then suggested; my level of intensity was much higher and once again before I knew it an hour had elapsed.
I showered and exited the gym as I got into my car I checked my cell phone and sure enough there were two photos from my mother of my daughter in her beautiful communion dress. My daughter was beaming from ear to ear and she looked magnificent. My little girl is growing up so quickly. I returned home and had some lunch. After lunch I called my mother who gave me a full rundown on the Communion ceremony as she sat at the reception. My mother’s words were “your daughter was beaming the entire time and she looked so beautiful”. Yes, everything went off well and everyone was having a great time at the reception. I had to smile because my mother was so careful not to say “I wish you were here”, because she knows that just wasn’t going to happen.
I had a wonderful telephone call with my mother and I kept busy with doing laundry all afternoon along with talking on the telephone with dear friends. In GA we have a saying, “use the telephone list” and I was using the telephone list. The afternoon passed as quickly as I talked on the telephone and then I was able to speak with my two sisters and my father. They each gave me a rundown of the day’s events and yes, everyone had rave reviews. As was the case with my mother; my father and sisters did not mention me not being there as the point was superfluous. The event was a resounding success and all went very well.
It was time for me to go to the Sunday evening GA meeting when my daughter called. She had a great day but she did say; “I thought you might surprise me so I was sort of expecting that you would have come”. Of course this tugged on my heart but as much as I wanted to go not having the permission to travel meant I couldn’t travel. This was a big event in my daughter’s life but I have to obey (as much as I disagree) the terms I have been given. My daughter recounted the day’s events as well and having heard it from 5 different people I did feel like I was there. I could feel the love emanating from the telephone. After speaking with my daughter I spoke briefly with my son then my wife. My wife was relieved the day was over and very happy everything went so well. She did have some thoughts of me surprising her with an arrival but again that did not happen.
The communion event was all over and now my focus is on seeing my family in July. I did receive many photos of the event and I must say it was sort of strange seeing photographs of my entire family minus me. This may sound dire and I don’t mean it this way so please forgive but viewing these photos was sort of an out of body experience. I was missing from the photos and that is just the way it is. I happy the event is over and everything went very well. My attitude remains positive and in a little over two months I will be with my family once again. We will be reunited and I will continue living positively one day at a time for a lifetime.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Plans Slightly Askew
Life is extremely interesting because the best laid plans and the best intentions may not exactly work out as I had envisioned. Last night was a perfect example of life offering a slight “bump” in the road. The housing situation for my family is becoming very clear and last night I intended to take the first step in this process. We have our “belongings” stored throughout the area with a majority of it in a storage facility but we are taking up two of our dear friends’ garages. I was hoping to consolidate this into one area starting this weekend but those plans will be deferred for at least another week if not two months. In my mind this was going to work out and it will but not at this very point.
I am exceedingly fortunate with the way events have transpired and my family will be back in a house when they rejoin me in two months. There needs to be some coordination on my part in those two months and some of that coordination is out of my control so I will do what I always do which is my very best. I am very excited as to how things are turning out and another piece of the puzzle is fitting together quite nicely.
Getting back to the slight bump and it is just a minor bump as it won’t affect anything in the long-term. I do need to move things from our friends’ garages because it is going on two years where our belongings have taken up their space. My friends have been beyond gracious and giving for which I am forever grateful. The time has come to move things and in the next two months everything will be consolidated into one location. My intention is to have everything moved in when my family arrives in July. This could cause a delay in my trip out east as the timing is a bit suspect. God love my wife because she doesn’t mind moving our belongings when she arrives but I need to have this accomplished prior to her arriving; it certainly is the least I can do.
I was speaking with my Mother as I was attempting to do this errand last night and it was as if she was with me since I spoke with her prior to the errand and after the errand. My Mother has an interesting attitude (I do mean this in a positive way) when it comes to certain subjects so she always makes me laugh. She did make me laugh last night and I seemed less stressed at the turn of events then she did.
Digressing a little; speaking of laughing I received probably the funniest email I have ever received. No, it wasn’t a joke email or one of those You Tube videos; it was from a very dear friend expressing themselves at a recent posting. I laughed so hard I almost fell out of my chair. This dear friend has such a way with words and I could feel every emotion emanating from my dear friend as I read the email. Thank you so very much!!!!
I got back to the house after not being very successful with the errand and talked with my dear friend as we watch some television. This was a decompression period for me and I did need it very much. I did put everything in perspective and realized everything is working out for the very best. After this I retired to my room where I watched an entire episode of “Dateline” about a woman wrongly accused of murdering her husband in San Diego. I did remember reading about this case while I was in prison. It was a lengthy episode and went through all facets of the case from indictment to incarceration to exoneration. I did have flashbacks as the reporter interviewed the woman from the County Jail through the plexi-glass via the two-way telephone. I remember that like it was yesterday and it is something I am so very happy that is behind me,
It was a television watching night for me because then I flipped over to 20/20 to watch “What would you do?” segment where the program provides a situation and watches what the general public does. The segment had to do with young children crying by themselves in public without a parent nearby. Most people just walked right on by oblivious to the child; in fact it took two days to finally find someone who would do anything. This is a sad commentary on our society because I believe so many people are afraid of helping out of fear out just out of ambivalence; I’m not sure which. I was one of those oblivious people not too long ago as I was just concerned with myself. Thankfully in recovery it about doing the right thing and hopefully if I were faced with a similar situation I would do the right thing.
I did fall asleep much faster then I anticipated because there were several thoughts in my head but some how I put these thoughts to rest. I woke up early and as opposed to yesterday I got out of bed and went to work out. This week my exercise schedule is flexible enough where I could work out both today and tomorrow without any ill effects. I got in a good workout and then it was off to the Saturday Morning GA meeting. I was responsible for bringing the materials to the meeting as the regular Secretary had other plans (incidentally those other plans were GA related). Bringing the materials was just like old times because over two years ago I was the Co-Secretary of this meeting and it was wonderful being involved. I arrived early and set up the room. I had help from a wonderful member who arrived earlier then me.
The meeting itself was smaller in terms of attendance then usual because some of our members had other plans this morning. However; the numbers may have been smaller but the therapy/sharing given was outstanding; it was an excellent meeting. I continue to be blessed by the GA Program. As the meeting concluded I realized my original plans of moving things had changed so I needed to find something else to do. The something else was going into the office where I actually had some work to do and instead of procrastinating I completed the work.
As I finished I spoke with my wife and daughter since they were having a busy day with softball practice, soccer games (my wife is the Coach of my daughter’s soccer team) and manicures. Yes, my ten year old daughter was getting a manicure in preparation for her Communion Ceremony tomorrow. My daughter has such a great attitude and she really could take or leave the manicure but she realizes this is important for my wife and mother-in-law so she goes along. I swear my daughter matures overnight from each telephone call and time does go by so fast.
I completed the conversation and was looking for something to do so I decided to go to the movies. There aren’t many movies I had any interest in seeing but one did catch my eye. It was the documentary by Ben Stein; “Expelled the Movie”. I knew my wife would never want to see this so I thought why not go to a matinee this afternoon. Apparently matinee prices have gone up as it cost 8 bucks; oh well this is what is happening all around with prices other then the housing prices!!
I bought my ticket and purchased the $6 popcorn and found my seat in the movie theater. The theater had about 12 people so I guess this isn’t a very popular movie or maybe it was just the time. The whole theme was about “Intelligent Design” in the Academic arena and how some professors were losing their jobs by merely mentioning “Intelligent Design”. I won’t go into the details because quite frankly the concept was interesting but I found myself falling asleep halfway into the movie. The points were well taken and Ben Stein certainly did not have a religious agenda. His agenda was well founded in freedom and if the movie is indeed accurate this is horrible depiction of our great country which was founded on freedom. In summary; the arguments made in the movie were compelling but not compelling enough for me to stop from falling asleep!
I am exceedingly fortunate with the way events have transpired and my family will be back in a house when they rejoin me in two months. There needs to be some coordination on my part in those two months and some of that coordination is out of my control so I will do what I always do which is my very best. I am very excited as to how things are turning out and another piece of the puzzle is fitting together quite nicely.
Getting back to the slight bump and it is just a minor bump as it won’t affect anything in the long-term. I do need to move things from our friends’ garages because it is going on two years where our belongings have taken up their space. My friends have been beyond gracious and giving for which I am forever grateful. The time has come to move things and in the next two months everything will be consolidated into one location. My intention is to have everything moved in when my family arrives in July. This could cause a delay in my trip out east as the timing is a bit suspect. God love my wife because she doesn’t mind moving our belongings when she arrives but I need to have this accomplished prior to her arriving; it certainly is the least I can do.
I was speaking with my Mother as I was attempting to do this errand last night and it was as if she was with me since I spoke with her prior to the errand and after the errand. My Mother has an interesting attitude (I do mean this in a positive way) when it comes to certain subjects so she always makes me laugh. She did make me laugh last night and I seemed less stressed at the turn of events then she did.
Digressing a little; speaking of laughing I received probably the funniest email I have ever received. No, it wasn’t a joke email or one of those You Tube videos; it was from a very dear friend expressing themselves at a recent posting. I laughed so hard I almost fell out of my chair. This dear friend has such a way with words and I could feel every emotion emanating from my dear friend as I read the email. Thank you so very much!!!!
I got back to the house after not being very successful with the errand and talked with my dear friend as we watch some television. This was a decompression period for me and I did need it very much. I did put everything in perspective and realized everything is working out for the very best. After this I retired to my room where I watched an entire episode of “Dateline” about a woman wrongly accused of murdering her husband in San Diego. I did remember reading about this case while I was in prison. It was a lengthy episode and went through all facets of the case from indictment to incarceration to exoneration. I did have flashbacks as the reporter interviewed the woman from the County Jail through the plexi-glass via the two-way telephone. I remember that like it was yesterday and it is something I am so very happy that is behind me,
It was a television watching night for me because then I flipped over to 20/20 to watch “What would you do?” segment where the program provides a situation and watches what the general public does. The segment had to do with young children crying by themselves in public without a parent nearby. Most people just walked right on by oblivious to the child; in fact it took two days to finally find someone who would do anything. This is a sad commentary on our society because I believe so many people are afraid of helping out of fear out just out of ambivalence; I’m not sure which. I was one of those oblivious people not too long ago as I was just concerned with myself. Thankfully in recovery it about doing the right thing and hopefully if I were faced with a similar situation I would do the right thing.
I did fall asleep much faster then I anticipated because there were several thoughts in my head but some how I put these thoughts to rest. I woke up early and as opposed to yesterday I got out of bed and went to work out. This week my exercise schedule is flexible enough where I could work out both today and tomorrow without any ill effects. I got in a good workout and then it was off to the Saturday Morning GA meeting. I was responsible for bringing the materials to the meeting as the regular Secretary had other plans (incidentally those other plans were GA related). Bringing the materials was just like old times because over two years ago I was the Co-Secretary of this meeting and it was wonderful being involved. I arrived early and set up the room. I had help from a wonderful member who arrived earlier then me.
The meeting itself was smaller in terms of attendance then usual because some of our members had other plans this morning. However; the numbers may have been smaller but the therapy/sharing given was outstanding; it was an excellent meeting. I continue to be blessed by the GA Program. As the meeting concluded I realized my original plans of moving things had changed so I needed to find something else to do. The something else was going into the office where I actually had some work to do and instead of procrastinating I completed the work.
As I finished I spoke with my wife and daughter since they were having a busy day with softball practice, soccer games (my wife is the Coach of my daughter’s soccer team) and manicures. Yes, my ten year old daughter was getting a manicure in preparation for her Communion Ceremony tomorrow. My daughter has such a great attitude and she really could take or leave the manicure but she realizes this is important for my wife and mother-in-law so she goes along. I swear my daughter matures overnight from each telephone call and time does go by so fast.
I completed the conversation and was looking for something to do so I decided to go to the movies. There aren’t many movies I had any interest in seeing but one did catch my eye. It was the documentary by Ben Stein; “Expelled the Movie”. I knew my wife would never want to see this so I thought why not go to a matinee this afternoon. Apparently matinee prices have gone up as it cost 8 bucks; oh well this is what is happening all around with prices other then the housing prices!!
I bought my ticket and purchased the $6 popcorn and found my seat in the movie theater. The theater had about 12 people so I guess this isn’t a very popular movie or maybe it was just the time. The whole theme was about “Intelligent Design” in the Academic arena and how some professors were losing their jobs by merely mentioning “Intelligent Design”. I won’t go into the details because quite frankly the concept was interesting but I found myself falling asleep halfway into the movie. The points were well taken and Ben Stein certainly did not have a religious agenda. His agenda was well founded in freedom and if the movie is indeed accurate this is horrible depiction of our great country which was founded on freedom. In summary; the arguments made in the movie were compelling but not compelling enough for me to stop from falling asleep!
Friday, April 25, 2008
Peaceful Day
I was going back into the archives of my email account and came across an email from six years ago. The email was concerning an entertainment center I had commissioned from someone who I had worked with and as I read the email I couldn’t believe six years has passed so quickly. In the archives of the email there were emails “before” and emails “after”. There weren’t too many “before” as I think I had deleted many of them previously but the few there were my mind wasn’t working properly back then. I found a few receipts of “investment” newsletters and for the life of me I can’t remember ever reading any of these so-called newsletters. I was always looking for the “quick buck” when in reality I had all I ever would need right in front of me.
The old adages of “20/20 is always hindsight” do come to mind and “if I would have known now what I didn’t know then” also rings true but in reality the past is gone. Sure this is where I have evolved and hopefully it is true evolution. I believe it is true evolution all thanks to recovery and my mind does work very differently now then it has ever in my life. I do believe this is clarity I have not have probably for the past 40 plus years and maybe it did take a “life changing event” to cause all of this but I am on the proper path to recovery.
The work week does conclude today and yesterday I made an impromptu trip up to the airport to pick up a friend. This was almost serendipitous as I would much rather have been boarding an airplane but this was not meant to be. Early on I had visions of departing to New Jersey on yesterday’s date making in time for my daughter’s communion on Sunday; however; those plans were not allowed. I do need permission to do some things such as travel out of state and this permission was not granted. I am so blessed to have an incredibly understanding family. My wife is very disappointed and I think more disappointed then my ten year old daughter. My daughter does seem to understand and she really is okay with the fact that I will be missing the event. My wife on the other hand does not like the fact that I will be missing yet another event but I do believe she accepts the fact.
As for me I am disappointed and a little frustrated. I received mixed messages from the start and these mixed messages continue. There isn’t much I can do about these mixed messages other then obey what it is I am supposed to obey. In my perspective I was hoping to be treated as an individual not the lot unfortunately this has not transpired this way. Who knows maybe this will change but it still won’t deter me from continuing to do the right things all the time. I can see this being very demoralizing but it all comes back to my attitude which I chose each and every day. If I choose a defeatists attitude I will become very negative but on the other hand choosing a positive attitude I will continue on the positive path to recovery.
I have heard numerous stories while I was in prison and even before prison in regards to parole. I did have it in my mind that my situation would be different from these very negative stories and for the most part it is. I can see how some of the stories did ring true because it is not the most perfect system; however; it is the system I must deal with for the next 11 months. I am no longer going to harp on this and from this point forward the whole story is moot.
Last night I was very surprised by the lack of traffic going to and from the airport. I thought I was in for a great deal of traffic but it never materialized which is a very good thing. I was very happy to help out my friends and any little thing I can do to help is the least I can do for all the help my friends continue to give me. I will baby sit, dog sit, run to the airport or do anything else asked of me and I will do all of these things very happily.
I got back to the house and I would have sworn it was much later then the time it was but it was one of those nights where I was a bit tired. I had something to eat and just did much of nothing the rest of the evening. I watched a little television and I did enjoy “The Big Idea” by Donny Deutsch on CNBC. It is a catchy show where they talk about “Big Ideas” and what it takes to be successful. The theme last night was to just take that first step. I do believe this has been my problem for a very long time.
I may seem like a risk taker with all my baggage but by the contrary I am more conservative than anything else. I was very fortunate to land my current position and I don’t know what I would be doing if it hadn’t been for my friend offering me this position. It does appear I need to “kick myself in the rear” and get going because over the long term this position doesn’t appear to be happening. I have been looking, listening and studying for new opportunities and I have to take that first step.
I am a little reticent to search for a job because the jobs I am qualified for I am prohibited from doing, ah the little Catch-22. I do need to step out of my comfort zone and take a leap. Now is the time and I now everything will work out for the very best. I am formulating a plan which is at the very early stages but a plan is happening nonetheless. I do have a family I need to care for and I want to alleviate any burden I have put on my wife. My wife is concerned about making the payments when we finally move in to wherever we move in to. (Incidentally, the telephone call that didn’t happen yesterday did happen today and everything is going to be great, I do believe this wholeheartedly.)
This morning I was very tired and just lay in bed for awhile. I planned on working out but my body was calling for rest and I listened. I don’t have a long run planned this weekend as the exercise regimen does not call for one so I could take today off. I took today off and wanted to stay as busy as possible for the weekend to keep my mind occupied.
I do believe I have some things planned for the weekend such as the two GA meetings along with most likely moving some items from our various storage locations. I really can’t wait to get into my own house/dwelling. I am beyond grateful to my friends for allowing me to stay with them but it is time to be on my own. I am not going anywhere until I have a place to go to wherever that maybe so I probably have another two months to go. My plan is to have everything ready to go for my wife when she arrives and hopefully I will be able to accomplish this.
I arrived at work much earlier then normal and Fridays are so quiet with only one other person in the office. I finished what I need to do in the morning and ran some errands later on and for the most part had a very peaceful day.
The old adages of “20/20 is always hindsight” do come to mind and “if I would have known now what I didn’t know then” also rings true but in reality the past is gone. Sure this is where I have evolved and hopefully it is true evolution. I believe it is true evolution all thanks to recovery and my mind does work very differently now then it has ever in my life. I do believe this is clarity I have not have probably for the past 40 plus years and maybe it did take a “life changing event” to cause all of this but I am on the proper path to recovery.
The work week does conclude today and yesterday I made an impromptu trip up to the airport to pick up a friend. This was almost serendipitous as I would much rather have been boarding an airplane but this was not meant to be. Early on I had visions of departing to New Jersey on yesterday’s date making in time for my daughter’s communion on Sunday; however; those plans were not allowed. I do need permission to do some things such as travel out of state and this permission was not granted. I am so blessed to have an incredibly understanding family. My wife is very disappointed and I think more disappointed then my ten year old daughter. My daughter does seem to understand and she really is okay with the fact that I will be missing the event. My wife on the other hand does not like the fact that I will be missing yet another event but I do believe she accepts the fact.
As for me I am disappointed and a little frustrated. I received mixed messages from the start and these mixed messages continue. There isn’t much I can do about these mixed messages other then obey what it is I am supposed to obey. In my perspective I was hoping to be treated as an individual not the lot unfortunately this has not transpired this way. Who knows maybe this will change but it still won’t deter me from continuing to do the right things all the time. I can see this being very demoralizing but it all comes back to my attitude which I chose each and every day. If I choose a defeatists attitude I will become very negative but on the other hand choosing a positive attitude I will continue on the positive path to recovery.
I have heard numerous stories while I was in prison and even before prison in regards to parole. I did have it in my mind that my situation would be different from these very negative stories and for the most part it is. I can see how some of the stories did ring true because it is not the most perfect system; however; it is the system I must deal with for the next 11 months. I am no longer going to harp on this and from this point forward the whole story is moot.
Last night I was very surprised by the lack of traffic going to and from the airport. I thought I was in for a great deal of traffic but it never materialized which is a very good thing. I was very happy to help out my friends and any little thing I can do to help is the least I can do for all the help my friends continue to give me. I will baby sit, dog sit, run to the airport or do anything else asked of me and I will do all of these things very happily.
I got back to the house and I would have sworn it was much later then the time it was but it was one of those nights where I was a bit tired. I had something to eat and just did much of nothing the rest of the evening. I watched a little television and I did enjoy “The Big Idea” by Donny Deutsch on CNBC. It is a catchy show where they talk about “Big Ideas” and what it takes to be successful. The theme last night was to just take that first step. I do believe this has been my problem for a very long time.
I may seem like a risk taker with all my baggage but by the contrary I am more conservative than anything else. I was very fortunate to land my current position and I don’t know what I would be doing if it hadn’t been for my friend offering me this position. It does appear I need to “kick myself in the rear” and get going because over the long term this position doesn’t appear to be happening. I have been looking, listening and studying for new opportunities and I have to take that first step.
I am a little reticent to search for a job because the jobs I am qualified for I am prohibited from doing, ah the little Catch-22. I do need to step out of my comfort zone and take a leap. Now is the time and I now everything will work out for the very best. I am formulating a plan which is at the very early stages but a plan is happening nonetheless. I do have a family I need to care for and I want to alleviate any burden I have put on my wife. My wife is concerned about making the payments when we finally move in to wherever we move in to. (Incidentally, the telephone call that didn’t happen yesterday did happen today and everything is going to be great, I do believe this wholeheartedly.)
This morning I was very tired and just lay in bed for awhile. I planned on working out but my body was calling for rest and I listened. I don’t have a long run planned this weekend as the exercise regimen does not call for one so I could take today off. I took today off and wanted to stay as busy as possible for the weekend to keep my mind occupied.
I do believe I have some things planned for the weekend such as the two GA meetings along with most likely moving some items from our various storage locations. I really can’t wait to get into my own house/dwelling. I am beyond grateful to my friends for allowing me to stay with them but it is time to be on my own. I am not going anywhere until I have a place to go to wherever that maybe so I probably have another two months to go. My plan is to have everything ready to go for my wife when she arrives and hopefully I will be able to accomplish this.
I arrived at work much earlier then normal and Fridays are so quiet with only one other person in the office. I finished what I need to do in the morning and ran some errands later on and for the most part had a very peaceful day.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Rollercoaster in my Head
Here I am once again staring at the blank page and there are many thoughts running through my brain. These thought run the gamut from elation to remorse and everything in between. I seem to be doing very well but then a reminder crops up like the two today. These are the constant reminders of my past misdeeds and yes, I need to “get over it” but these are true feelings and one of the ways I like to express myself is through this blog so please indulge me for a minute or more.
The first reminder came via a telephone call and how I was treated which is much less then I would ever treat anyone. I am not exactly enamored with being called by only my last name as this is exactly what transpired for the 19 ½ months of my incarceration. I do believe this is done on purpose to keep any personal or emotional distance which may make sense “inside”. However; out here on the “outside” it is a bit distasteful but it is something I must get used to. I really was hoping my time on parole would be a little different then life on the “inside” and I am still holding out this hope.
Yes, on the telephone call I wasn’t treated as I would have expected but this is all part of the punishment. I am eternally grateful to be on the “outside” and enjoying life one moment at a time. I am peaking ahead to having those moments add up and then most of my prohibitions will be behind me. I do find myself going into a shell when I get these telephone calls because I am so apprehensive to say the wrong thing which is why I remain silent.
This was the case today when I was told about another parolee who was sent back to prison for having a job that went against her parole conditions. Apparently as it was told to me this person took a job and did not inform their employer about the fact that she was on parole. This is not the case with me as my employer knows all the facts in my case. I do tend to project because the “powers that be” seem to make generalizations which concerns me very much. I am all about full disclosure and often times I wonder if what I say is actually being understood. I don’t have anything to concern myself with as I am doing the right thing each and everyday but I do have a watchful eye.
I could feel my heart rate speed up during the conversation and this always seems to be the case. I say the “Serenity Prayer” to myself which does help to calm me down but after the telephone call my mind does wander off into so many different directions. I consider myself a fairly reasonable and somewhat intelligent person but in these instances it is often as if a foreign body invades my mind. This is all on me and I am allowing those external factors to influence me. It is up to me to block these out and continue on the positive path of recovery. This is exactly my intention.
The second reminder came in the lack of a telephone call. I was hoping to wrap up some unfinished business this morning and I was all set to have a conversation but that conversation never transpired. This isn’t shocking and should be expected. Once again my expectation level was a bit high as I was hoping to square these issues away. I will be able to square these issues away but not at this point. Once again I am allowing myself back on the roller coast ride of emotions. Most of the day I am exceedingly positive but there are times (thankfully a small period of time) where I get down on myself. I guess this is “normal” (I don’t like this word but I couldn’t think of a better word) and I surmise there will be more times like these as the days pass.
Yesterday evening I concluded the wonderful day having dinner with my dear friend. Our dinners were a little different as my friend went with the “breakfast for dinner” entrée and I had the faux (soy) Italian sausage sandwich. No, we didn’t dine out on the Pacific Ocean like the lunch we dined at the kitchen table. The food was just sustenance but the conversation was nutrition for my brain and soul. I continue to learn so much during these conversations and I am so grateful for these occasions.
I watched a little of the news before falling asleep and unlike yesterday where there was the pitter patter of little feet emanating from the family room at the wee hours of the morning everything in the house remained silent. I was more tired this morning then any other morning this week. I had to push myself to get out of bed and to get moving. The critical aspect is getting my feet off of the bed and on to the floor. Once this is accomplished it is all downhill from there. It did take longer then usual to finally get my feet on the floor but once they hit the floor I was off and running for the day. I did head to the gym for my daily morning work out. My friend was not there this morning so all I did was exercise.
Today I deviated from the training program and ran a little faster then prescribed. I thought I would only run the first mile faster and then fall back to the required pace for the next 7 miles but me being the “over-achiever” I continued on the fast pace for all 8 miles. This week is a consistent week in terms of miles and pace but I thought I would apply my own twist to the workout. I had a great run and I can sweat with the best of them. It does look like I went swimming when I am finished with my aerobic activities and today was no exception. I think I am detoxifying my body each time I do this because there isn’t a part of my body that isn’t drenched from sweat. I hope this is a good thing and I would guess that it is.
After the workout it was just like any other work day I went on to work. I am very fortunate to have where I live, exercise and work all in a 10 mile area. I never seem to have to be in the car for more then 15 minutes and with the gas prices headed toward $4 a gallon (probably will make there this weekend) at least I don’t have to utilize much gas. I arrived at work to field that telephone call and to wait for the other telephone call that never arrived. I must say that the people I work with are wonderful. This is a great closed knit group and I do hope things turnaround because these folks deserve nothing but the best.
The first reminder came via a telephone call and how I was treated which is much less then I would ever treat anyone. I am not exactly enamored with being called by only my last name as this is exactly what transpired for the 19 ½ months of my incarceration. I do believe this is done on purpose to keep any personal or emotional distance which may make sense “inside”. However; out here on the “outside” it is a bit distasteful but it is something I must get used to. I really was hoping my time on parole would be a little different then life on the “inside” and I am still holding out this hope.
Yes, on the telephone call I wasn’t treated as I would have expected but this is all part of the punishment. I am eternally grateful to be on the “outside” and enjoying life one moment at a time. I am peaking ahead to having those moments add up and then most of my prohibitions will be behind me. I do find myself going into a shell when I get these telephone calls because I am so apprehensive to say the wrong thing which is why I remain silent.
This was the case today when I was told about another parolee who was sent back to prison for having a job that went against her parole conditions. Apparently as it was told to me this person took a job and did not inform their employer about the fact that she was on parole. This is not the case with me as my employer knows all the facts in my case. I do tend to project because the “powers that be” seem to make generalizations which concerns me very much. I am all about full disclosure and often times I wonder if what I say is actually being understood. I don’t have anything to concern myself with as I am doing the right thing each and everyday but I do have a watchful eye.
I could feel my heart rate speed up during the conversation and this always seems to be the case. I say the “Serenity Prayer” to myself which does help to calm me down but after the telephone call my mind does wander off into so many different directions. I consider myself a fairly reasonable and somewhat intelligent person but in these instances it is often as if a foreign body invades my mind. This is all on me and I am allowing those external factors to influence me. It is up to me to block these out and continue on the positive path of recovery. This is exactly my intention.
The second reminder came in the lack of a telephone call. I was hoping to wrap up some unfinished business this morning and I was all set to have a conversation but that conversation never transpired. This isn’t shocking and should be expected. Once again my expectation level was a bit high as I was hoping to square these issues away. I will be able to square these issues away but not at this point. Once again I am allowing myself back on the roller coast ride of emotions. Most of the day I am exceedingly positive but there are times (thankfully a small period of time) where I get down on myself. I guess this is “normal” (I don’t like this word but I couldn’t think of a better word) and I surmise there will be more times like these as the days pass.
Yesterday evening I concluded the wonderful day having dinner with my dear friend. Our dinners were a little different as my friend went with the “breakfast for dinner” entrée and I had the faux (soy) Italian sausage sandwich. No, we didn’t dine out on the Pacific Ocean like the lunch we dined at the kitchen table. The food was just sustenance but the conversation was nutrition for my brain and soul. I continue to learn so much during these conversations and I am so grateful for these occasions.
I watched a little of the news before falling asleep and unlike yesterday where there was the pitter patter of little feet emanating from the family room at the wee hours of the morning everything in the house remained silent. I was more tired this morning then any other morning this week. I had to push myself to get out of bed and to get moving. The critical aspect is getting my feet off of the bed and on to the floor. Once this is accomplished it is all downhill from there. It did take longer then usual to finally get my feet on the floor but once they hit the floor I was off and running for the day. I did head to the gym for my daily morning work out. My friend was not there this morning so all I did was exercise.
Today I deviated from the training program and ran a little faster then prescribed. I thought I would only run the first mile faster and then fall back to the required pace for the next 7 miles but me being the “over-achiever” I continued on the fast pace for all 8 miles. This week is a consistent week in terms of miles and pace but I thought I would apply my own twist to the workout. I had a great run and I can sweat with the best of them. It does look like I went swimming when I am finished with my aerobic activities and today was no exception. I think I am detoxifying my body each time I do this because there isn’t a part of my body that isn’t drenched from sweat. I hope this is a good thing and I would guess that it is.
After the workout it was just like any other work day I went on to work. I am very fortunate to have where I live, exercise and work all in a 10 mile area. I never seem to have to be in the car for more then 15 minutes and with the gas prices headed toward $4 a gallon (probably will make there this weekend) at least I don’t have to utilize much gas. I arrived at work to field that telephone call and to wait for the other telephone call that never arrived. I must say that the people I work with are wonderful. This is a great closed knit group and I do hope things turnaround because these folks deserve nothing but the best.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Lovely Lunch
The movie “Forrest Gump” was profound in many ways and the writing was dead on. I realize this as I continue my life in recovery. My nickname in prison was “Forrest” for the obvious reason I seemed to always be running; hence the calls of “run Forrest run”. I’m not sure if that is where the similarities to Forrest Gump ended with me?? Anyhow borrowing a line from that movie; “life is like a box of chocolates you never know what you are going to get”, is as true as it relates to my life. I remember when I was a child and when I used to eat boxed chocolates I would always stay away from a certain kind of chocolate mostly those cherry filled ones which I thought tasted disgusting. I would often time bite into one of those and actually put it back in the box. I got so good at not piercing the chocolate that no one could tell the chocolate actually had been tried, sorry Mom!!!
In my life I don’t get to put back what life brings and to try again; I get to live life where I sort of don’t know what it will bring. Obviously I would have not designed my life in this current fashion with the whole “convicted felon thing” on my record, among losing most everything and other issues; however; I am very happy with the way my life is transpiring. I was feeling a little down because I will be unable to attend my daughter’s Communion this coming Sunday as it is another event I have missed in the lives of my children.
I did all I could to possibly make this happen but unfortunately that decision is completely out of my hands and I do accept this. I have had a difficult time accepting the manner in which this has transpired over the past week but hey in those words of that great philosopher; “it is what it is”. The truth of the matter is I removed a few options from my life when I began stealing to fuel my compulsive gambling addiction. I am slowly moving toward regaining most options and not having the need to ask permission to do certain things such as leave the state. I am forever grateful for the way my life is transpiring in recovery. I am finally at peace with myself and that compulsion to gamble has been “arrested” (pun intended!!).
My week got so much better today all thanks to a very dear friend who has done so much for me I am eternally indebted. I went to sleep after speaking with this dear friend for awhile about so many different topics. I woke up to the sounds of little feet and yes, it seemed much too early to hear these sounds and I am very happy my children are well past this stage. Interesting sidelight; it seems things due turnaround as my wife informs me she has such a hard time waking up my daughter each day for school. This is the inverse when she was much younger and would get up much earlier. My son continues his happiness in the morning and doesn’t have the difficulty my daughter has in waking up during the early hours of the morning.
I was awake and ready to start my day with my usual morning workout. When I got to the gym I was ready to workout but first I stopped to speak with a friend. This friend looked very depressed and with good reason his mother just had a heart attack. I did my best to just listen as this friend was emotional shaken. It is fascinating how it does no good to “judge a book by its cover” because this friend is a “man’s man” and very tight-fisted with his emotions but when it came to his 84 year old mother he welled up. This reaction made complete sense to me and I did just listen. It was a very sad tale; however; it does appear his mother is going to be okay.
I spent most of the time talking with this friend and my workout could wait. I did feel helpless because there wasn’t anything I could do. I offered my services in anything he may need I would be there and he graciously thanked me. After my friend departed I started my workout but couldn’t stop thinking about this friend and how life is “like a box of chocolates”. No matter the age it is so difficult to see a loved one suffer and I am very fortunate because both of my parents are still young.
In life comes death but this is never easy under any circumstance. My wife’s father passed away 11 years ago this week at a very young age and my Grandfather passed away in 1977 at the very young age of 56. My other Grandfather passed away in his 90’s but my Grandmother passed away in her 50’s when I was a baby. I think I am getting to a point somewhere??? I guess my point would be I have been fortunate that I haven’t had many deaths in my immediate family.
Anyhow I couldn’t stop thinking about my friend and how he was dealing with all the issues. He did ask me what I would do and this question always poses a challenge for me because I really couldn’t answer the question since I was in his situation. I would hope to apply the principles I continue to learn in recovery to these types of situations but that maybe easier said then done. This is the key for me which is to apply the principles into action. I do my best to do this each and everyday.
My workout was finished and it was more brief then usual but still a very good one. I went into work knowing I would be leaving early to join my very good friend for lunch. I did what I needed to do and did join my friend for lunch; and what a lunch it was. We had a lovely lunch on the San Diego Bay directly next to the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Midway and across the Bay from the U.S.S. Reagan (I think?). We ate at a good seafood restaurant and enjoyed the picture perfect San Diego weather. As usual we talked about a variety of subjects and the time went so quickly. Here I was less then two months removed from prison having lunch on the San Diego Bay; my life is most certainly wonderful and I am very blessed.
I returned to the office where I got to speak with my wife and children as part of my daily telephone call. All is well in New Jersey and my children received their report cards which were excellent. My daughter was upset with herself for receiving two B’s from here straight A’s of the first marking period. I told her she did very well and to keep up the great work. My son who is in first grade did receive straight A’s but he had two X’s. I was unaware of the X grading score but apparently he was having difficulty with his reading and math word problems (the two do go hand in hand in my opinion) so he received X’s in these subjects. My children are doing extremely well and I am so blessed by them.
Prior to the telephone call with my family I was able to speak with an old friend and my concerns regarding where we will live come July maybe resolved very soon. I do believe everything will work out for the very best because this is exactly what happens each and everyday in my life. I should have a better gauge tomorrow or over the weekend. I remain positive because in my opinion there is no other viable alternative. My life continues on a wonderful path.
In my life I don’t get to put back what life brings and to try again; I get to live life where I sort of don’t know what it will bring. Obviously I would have not designed my life in this current fashion with the whole “convicted felon thing” on my record, among losing most everything and other issues; however; I am very happy with the way my life is transpiring. I was feeling a little down because I will be unable to attend my daughter’s Communion this coming Sunday as it is another event I have missed in the lives of my children.
I did all I could to possibly make this happen but unfortunately that decision is completely out of my hands and I do accept this. I have had a difficult time accepting the manner in which this has transpired over the past week but hey in those words of that great philosopher; “it is what it is”. The truth of the matter is I removed a few options from my life when I began stealing to fuel my compulsive gambling addiction. I am slowly moving toward regaining most options and not having the need to ask permission to do certain things such as leave the state. I am forever grateful for the way my life is transpiring in recovery. I am finally at peace with myself and that compulsion to gamble has been “arrested” (pun intended!!).
My week got so much better today all thanks to a very dear friend who has done so much for me I am eternally indebted. I went to sleep after speaking with this dear friend for awhile about so many different topics. I woke up to the sounds of little feet and yes, it seemed much too early to hear these sounds and I am very happy my children are well past this stage. Interesting sidelight; it seems things due turnaround as my wife informs me she has such a hard time waking up my daughter each day for school. This is the inverse when she was much younger and would get up much earlier. My son continues his happiness in the morning and doesn’t have the difficulty my daughter has in waking up during the early hours of the morning.
I was awake and ready to start my day with my usual morning workout. When I got to the gym I was ready to workout but first I stopped to speak with a friend. This friend looked very depressed and with good reason his mother just had a heart attack. I did my best to just listen as this friend was emotional shaken. It is fascinating how it does no good to “judge a book by its cover” because this friend is a “man’s man” and very tight-fisted with his emotions but when it came to his 84 year old mother he welled up. This reaction made complete sense to me and I did just listen. It was a very sad tale; however; it does appear his mother is going to be okay.
I spent most of the time talking with this friend and my workout could wait. I did feel helpless because there wasn’t anything I could do. I offered my services in anything he may need I would be there and he graciously thanked me. After my friend departed I started my workout but couldn’t stop thinking about this friend and how life is “like a box of chocolates”. No matter the age it is so difficult to see a loved one suffer and I am very fortunate because both of my parents are still young.
In life comes death but this is never easy under any circumstance. My wife’s father passed away 11 years ago this week at a very young age and my Grandfather passed away in 1977 at the very young age of 56. My other Grandfather passed away in his 90’s but my Grandmother passed away in her 50’s when I was a baby. I think I am getting to a point somewhere??? I guess my point would be I have been fortunate that I haven’t had many deaths in my immediate family.
Anyhow I couldn’t stop thinking about my friend and how he was dealing with all the issues. He did ask me what I would do and this question always poses a challenge for me because I really couldn’t answer the question since I was in his situation. I would hope to apply the principles I continue to learn in recovery to these types of situations but that maybe easier said then done. This is the key for me which is to apply the principles into action. I do my best to do this each and everyday.
My workout was finished and it was more brief then usual but still a very good one. I went into work knowing I would be leaving early to join my very good friend for lunch. I did what I needed to do and did join my friend for lunch; and what a lunch it was. We had a lovely lunch on the San Diego Bay directly next to the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Midway and across the Bay from the U.S.S. Reagan (I think?). We ate at a good seafood restaurant and enjoyed the picture perfect San Diego weather. As usual we talked about a variety of subjects and the time went so quickly. Here I was less then two months removed from prison having lunch on the San Diego Bay; my life is most certainly wonderful and I am very blessed.
I returned to the office where I got to speak with my wife and children as part of my daily telephone call. All is well in New Jersey and my children received their report cards which were excellent. My daughter was upset with herself for receiving two B’s from here straight A’s of the first marking period. I told her she did very well and to keep up the great work. My son who is in first grade did receive straight A’s but he had two X’s. I was unaware of the X grading score but apparently he was having difficulty with his reading and math word problems (the two do go hand in hand in my opinion) so he received X’s in these subjects. My children are doing extremely well and I am so blessed by them.
Prior to the telephone call with my family I was able to speak with an old friend and my concerns regarding where we will live come July maybe resolved very soon. I do believe everything will work out for the very best because this is exactly what happens each and everyday in my life. I should have a better gauge tomorrow or over the weekend. I remain positive because in my opinion there is no other viable alternative. My life continues on a wonderful path.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
There are Others
I do find solace when I stare at this blank page in front of me because there are some days (such as today) where I am not quite sure what will show up on this page!! I guess I am sending out a pre-qualifier so please bear with me. I received a very interesting email the yesterday. Apparently my situation is not uncommon as there is another person facing the challenges I faced over three years ago; more specifically; the challenges I faced while I was waiting for my sentencing. This person also embezzled to fuel their compulsive gambling addiction and is facing incarceration. Making matters worse this person also has a wife and two children. The similarities are frightening as their children’s ages are very close to my children’s ages.
I sent off an email with my cell phone number in hopes to be able to speak with this person instead of just communicating via email. I haven’t heard back yet but I did send out an email which I hope provided some assistance. I can clearly remember back to those days where I was waiting for my sentencing and I just wanted to fast forward the time. Thankfully the Gamblers Anonymous Program continues to teach me to live one day at a time which I do every day. I believe I made the best of a terrible situation and I was very fortunate during my entire incarceration. Now time has gone by and I am at the “fast forward” stage. The funny thing about time is that it is constant and will go by no matter.
It is difficult lending my experience to a person who is facing a very similar situation. The questions in the email were very normal such as “will I find work when I am released”, “what will happen to my wife and children” and other questions which will be answered in time. The “not knowing” was the worse and when I was given my sentence that ended the “not knowing” and there was a sense of relief. Of course I faced other challenges along the way and I continue to face challenges as I serve parole. However; as long as I stay focused in recovery I know great things will continue to happen. I do hope this person is committed to recovery because this is what continues to save my life.
My situation did work out and continues to work out for the best all thanks to recovery. I have a conscious decision each and every day to choose my attitude and I choose a positive attitude. This is the right way for me to live and I continue to do my best to do the “right thing”. I do wish this person very well and I don’t know the particulars of their situation only that sentencing should be happening very soon. Compulsive gambling is an awful disease and makes good people do bad/stupid things. There is hope through recovery and I continue to garner this hope each day.
Yesterday evening was the Monday GA Topic Meeting which meets every other Monday. Before I went “away” I helped establish this meeting and the “Speaker’s Meeting” but back then they were on two different nights; Monday and Wednesday. I guess the attendance was dropping so it made sense to combine these meetings on just Monday. The format seems to work out very well having the “Topic” meeting one week followed by the “Speaker’s” meeting the next week. I enjoy both meetings and the “Topic” meeting really brings the Program home for me.
The topics are usually thought provoking such as last night’s topic; “being of service to the Program and what does that mean”. Quite simply this is an integral part of GA and it means to be “stop being selfish!!” and to give back to the program. The program wouldn’t work if no one gave back. I know I was entirely selfish when I was gambling because I didn’t think of anyone except myself. This is what almost destroyed me.
Thankfully in recovery I can stop being so selfish and think of others. The key for me is to give back without expecting anything in return. When I first entered the Program I spoke with so many members with considerable time in GA and they were more then happy to talk to me. I gained so much wisdom and understanding about the Program from these talks and today these folks are some of my dearest friends. I want to give back because this is a large part of my recovery. I remember a member telling me to “be of service” to the Program which can consist of helping to set-up the room or preparing the coffee. I wanted to and I continue to want to be a part of the Program because it continues to save my life.
The meeting was over and it was the end of my day. I wasn’t very hungry last night because I had a big lunch at my new favorite (in terms of serving fresh, good, healthy and relatively inexpensive food) place for lunch; (especially when someone else pays!); Souplantation. My family and I have gone to this restaurants numerous times and my mother was gracious enough to send me a gift card for this restaurant. I am given a constant reminder about my family and I am there but we will share meals here soon enough. Anyhow I had a big lunch and they do serve some very healthy dishes which are clearly marked “vegetarian”. When I got home I didn’t need dinner just a quick snack of some trail mix and I was off to bed.
Tuesdays (today) do mark the beginning of my exercise cycle and this week is less rigorous training week in my training program. I was able to ramp up the regimen today because this is what I seem to do especially on the first day of the week. I had a very good workout and it was off to the office. I do want this job to work out because when I spoke with my wife yesterday she has many concerns as to how we will afford to live. I assured her everything will be alright and I know it will. I continue to take life one day at a time which encompasses all aspects of my life. As long as I continue my recovery everything will indeed be great.
I sent off an email with my cell phone number in hopes to be able to speak with this person instead of just communicating via email. I haven’t heard back yet but I did send out an email which I hope provided some assistance. I can clearly remember back to those days where I was waiting for my sentencing and I just wanted to fast forward the time. Thankfully the Gamblers Anonymous Program continues to teach me to live one day at a time which I do every day. I believe I made the best of a terrible situation and I was very fortunate during my entire incarceration. Now time has gone by and I am at the “fast forward” stage. The funny thing about time is that it is constant and will go by no matter.
It is difficult lending my experience to a person who is facing a very similar situation. The questions in the email were very normal such as “will I find work when I am released”, “what will happen to my wife and children” and other questions which will be answered in time. The “not knowing” was the worse and when I was given my sentence that ended the “not knowing” and there was a sense of relief. Of course I faced other challenges along the way and I continue to face challenges as I serve parole. However; as long as I stay focused in recovery I know great things will continue to happen. I do hope this person is committed to recovery because this is what continues to save my life.
My situation did work out and continues to work out for the best all thanks to recovery. I have a conscious decision each and every day to choose my attitude and I choose a positive attitude. This is the right way for me to live and I continue to do my best to do the “right thing”. I do wish this person very well and I don’t know the particulars of their situation only that sentencing should be happening very soon. Compulsive gambling is an awful disease and makes good people do bad/stupid things. There is hope through recovery and I continue to garner this hope each day.
Yesterday evening was the Monday GA Topic Meeting which meets every other Monday. Before I went “away” I helped establish this meeting and the “Speaker’s Meeting” but back then they were on two different nights; Monday and Wednesday. I guess the attendance was dropping so it made sense to combine these meetings on just Monday. The format seems to work out very well having the “Topic” meeting one week followed by the “Speaker’s” meeting the next week. I enjoy both meetings and the “Topic” meeting really brings the Program home for me.
The topics are usually thought provoking such as last night’s topic; “being of service to the Program and what does that mean”. Quite simply this is an integral part of GA and it means to be “stop being selfish!!” and to give back to the program. The program wouldn’t work if no one gave back. I know I was entirely selfish when I was gambling because I didn’t think of anyone except myself. This is what almost destroyed me.
Thankfully in recovery I can stop being so selfish and think of others. The key for me is to give back without expecting anything in return. When I first entered the Program I spoke with so many members with considerable time in GA and they were more then happy to talk to me. I gained so much wisdom and understanding about the Program from these talks and today these folks are some of my dearest friends. I want to give back because this is a large part of my recovery. I remember a member telling me to “be of service” to the Program which can consist of helping to set-up the room or preparing the coffee. I wanted to and I continue to want to be a part of the Program because it continues to save my life.
The meeting was over and it was the end of my day. I wasn’t very hungry last night because I had a big lunch at my new favorite (in terms of serving fresh, good, healthy and relatively inexpensive food) place for lunch; (especially when someone else pays!); Souplantation. My family and I have gone to this restaurants numerous times and my mother was gracious enough to send me a gift card for this restaurant. I am given a constant reminder about my family and I am there but we will share meals here soon enough. Anyhow I had a big lunch and they do serve some very healthy dishes which are clearly marked “vegetarian”. When I got home I didn’t need dinner just a quick snack of some trail mix and I was off to bed.
Tuesdays (today) do mark the beginning of my exercise cycle and this week is less rigorous training week in my training program. I was able to ramp up the regimen today because this is what I seem to do especially on the first day of the week. I had a very good workout and it was off to the office. I do want this job to work out because when I spoke with my wife yesterday she has many concerns as to how we will afford to live. I assured her everything will be alright and I know it will. I continue to take life one day at a time which encompasses all aspects of my life. As long as I continue my recovery everything will indeed be great.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Disorganized yet Organized??
I came into the office both days on the weekend because I felt guilty about “goofing” off on Friday afternoon. My office is still a mess and I do wonder if I will always work this way. I have worked this way in the past and believe it or not I do know where most things are among the mess. I am a very organized disorganized person, does that even make sense?? There should be a term for this; oh yes; I believe it is “oxymoron”. I have always found this word fascinating for the simple fact that “moron” resides within the word. “Moron” is not exactly a term of endearment but I guess it works in this instance. Alright I don’t know where those last sentences came from so please forgive me!! I did come into the office with the intention of getting organized and possibly cleaning up the office but this fell by the wayside rather quickly.
I don’t know how much longer I will have this job because I need steady income when my family arrives in less then three months. The next three months will be very significant in where this job will take me but I am not sure if I do not have three months to decide nor do I have many other options. I have been reading the “How to sell cars” book because I felt a good kind of pressure from my friend the other night. The book makes perfect sense and a great deal of it is common sense. However; even though it is common sense putting it into practice is often times difficult.
I do find this with many things in my life; I know what I need to do (such as cleaning and organizing my office) yet so often I go off on tangents and don’t exhibit that common sense. I can recall from my car buying days and even when I was a child that a good car salesperson is very difficult to find. There was a time I thought my father was going to “explode” in a car dealership even though they were at the signing of the contract stage. It was quite a scene and my father’s “Irish” was certainly acting up.
In my own cases of purchasing cars through the years I never did blow up in a car dealership but making a connection with the salesperson never seemed to happen. There was the time I did want to blow up at the salesperson who did not want to negotiate because in his words “people who buy Infinitys don’t negotiate,” this was a load of crap so I just walked out the door and bought an Acura. I would much rather have personal connections with someone and who knows where that would lead. Anyhow I don’t know what lies ahead in terms of a job for me so for now it is as always; “one day at a time”.
I certainly have the time to dedicate to the office since my family is back in New Jersey, this won’t always be the case and I can’t wait for those days. I am doing my best to get things in order when they arrive and now I must focus on the housing situation. I thought I had two options; one being the house I still own and the other being my good friend’s in-laws. I am having difficulty connecting with my so-called “partner” on the house and my friend’s in-laws have to wait because the house they intend to purchase is bank owned and those companies are just overwhelmed.
I was browsing through the internet researching rental prices and I stumble across three houses which almost seemed too good to be true. One house was just too large over 3,600 square feet yet the monthly rental payment was only $1,800 (which if all goes well is certainly in my price range). The other component to this is the fact that the costs for the utilities would be outrageous in this size of a house. There were two other listings for smaller house but small is a relative term as the house I focused in was listed at over 2,600 square feet and the monthly rental payment was $1,500. The beauty of this is the fact that it is a rent to own situation with half of the rental payment going toward the purchase of the house and it only being a one year lease. I would much rather have a two year lease because I would guess the ownership payment portion would be much higher at the end of one year as opposed to two. At the very least there are other options available and whatever happens it will be for the very best.
The Sunday evening candlelight GA meeting was very good and once again there was a very good turnout. The room was much more subdued probably because the door was closed when we had the candlelight but it still was an excellent meeting. I returned home to turn on the television and I was surprised to see my old beloved New York Mets playing on the Sunday night baseball game. I hadn’t seen the Mets this season and as I turned it on they rallied from a 4-0 deficit to tie the game. Unfortunately they did lose 5-4 to their division rival the Philadelphia Phillies but all I could think about was my son who now has interest in the Mets as his uncles are huge Mets fans. It will be great watching a game with my son sometime this summer.
I went to sleep rather early and I was a bit tired from the 18 mile run earlier in the day. I didn’t have any other ill effects from the run other then being a little tired which is certainly a positive. Mondays are my day off from exercise and I slept in a little or as much as I could. I was toying with the idea of working out but last week’s exercise schedule worked so well so I thought I would replicate it this week. This meant taking today off giving my body a day of rest. I headed into the office much earlier then normal and got a few things out of the way. I have noticed that when I get in the office around 9:00 am the day seems to blaze on by but if I get in an hour or earlier such as today the day doesn’t go as fast. The days do go by fast and some days it is good to have more time to get things done.
An interesting development arose today as I may have my first sponsoree in GA. I have been getting to know a very good member over these past few weeks and I have been approached to be a sponsor. Earlier in the program I had been reluctant to be a sponsor because I knew I was “going away” but now that I am back part (a very large part!) of GA is giving back and I am more then happy to be a sponsor. It should be very interesting and I have a great sponsor which I continue to learn so much from so if I take half of what has been passed down to me everything will be great.
I don’t know how much longer I will have this job because I need steady income when my family arrives in less then three months. The next three months will be very significant in where this job will take me but I am not sure if I do not have three months to decide nor do I have many other options. I have been reading the “How to sell cars” book because I felt a good kind of pressure from my friend the other night. The book makes perfect sense and a great deal of it is common sense. However; even though it is common sense putting it into practice is often times difficult.
I do find this with many things in my life; I know what I need to do (such as cleaning and organizing my office) yet so often I go off on tangents and don’t exhibit that common sense. I can recall from my car buying days and even when I was a child that a good car salesperson is very difficult to find. There was a time I thought my father was going to “explode” in a car dealership even though they were at the signing of the contract stage. It was quite a scene and my father’s “Irish” was certainly acting up.
In my own cases of purchasing cars through the years I never did blow up in a car dealership but making a connection with the salesperson never seemed to happen. There was the time I did want to blow up at the salesperson who did not want to negotiate because in his words “people who buy Infinitys don’t negotiate,” this was a load of crap so I just walked out the door and bought an Acura. I would much rather have personal connections with someone and who knows where that would lead. Anyhow I don’t know what lies ahead in terms of a job for me so for now it is as always; “one day at a time”.
I certainly have the time to dedicate to the office since my family is back in New Jersey, this won’t always be the case and I can’t wait for those days. I am doing my best to get things in order when they arrive and now I must focus on the housing situation. I thought I had two options; one being the house I still own and the other being my good friend’s in-laws. I am having difficulty connecting with my so-called “partner” on the house and my friend’s in-laws have to wait because the house they intend to purchase is bank owned and those companies are just overwhelmed.
I was browsing through the internet researching rental prices and I stumble across three houses which almost seemed too good to be true. One house was just too large over 3,600 square feet yet the monthly rental payment was only $1,800 (which if all goes well is certainly in my price range). The other component to this is the fact that the costs for the utilities would be outrageous in this size of a house. There were two other listings for smaller house but small is a relative term as the house I focused in was listed at over 2,600 square feet and the monthly rental payment was $1,500. The beauty of this is the fact that it is a rent to own situation with half of the rental payment going toward the purchase of the house and it only being a one year lease. I would much rather have a two year lease because I would guess the ownership payment portion would be much higher at the end of one year as opposed to two. At the very least there are other options available and whatever happens it will be for the very best.
The Sunday evening candlelight GA meeting was very good and once again there was a very good turnout. The room was much more subdued probably because the door was closed when we had the candlelight but it still was an excellent meeting. I returned home to turn on the television and I was surprised to see my old beloved New York Mets playing on the Sunday night baseball game. I hadn’t seen the Mets this season and as I turned it on they rallied from a 4-0 deficit to tie the game. Unfortunately they did lose 5-4 to their division rival the Philadelphia Phillies but all I could think about was my son who now has interest in the Mets as his uncles are huge Mets fans. It will be great watching a game with my son sometime this summer.
I went to sleep rather early and I was a bit tired from the 18 mile run earlier in the day. I didn’t have any other ill effects from the run other then being a little tired which is certainly a positive. Mondays are my day off from exercise and I slept in a little or as much as I could. I was toying with the idea of working out but last week’s exercise schedule worked so well so I thought I would replicate it this week. This meant taking today off giving my body a day of rest. I headed into the office much earlier then normal and got a few things out of the way. I have noticed that when I get in the office around 9:00 am the day seems to blaze on by but if I get in an hour or earlier such as today the day doesn’t go as fast. The days do go by fast and some days it is good to have more time to get things done.
An interesting development arose today as I may have my first sponsoree in GA. I have been getting to know a very good member over these past few weeks and I have been approached to be a sponsor. Earlier in the program I had been reluctant to be a sponsor because I knew I was “going away” but now that I am back part (a very large part!) of GA is giving back and I am more then happy to be a sponsor. It should be very interesting and I have a great sponsor which I continue to learn so much from so if I take half of what has been passed down to me everything will be great.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Shooting Hoops!!
I have some incredible friends and most of these incredible friends have appeared in my life over the past few years. Last night I had the pleasure to go over to two dear friends’ house and have a great dinner. I have to have full disclosure here because these friends were not exactly my friends until three years ago; this was my wife’s friend and I am so grateful for their friendship. The first time I ventured over these friends house I felt a bit uncomfortable without my wife but last night I felt very comfortable. These great people are more like family then friends.
Prior to dinner we were outside playing basketball as they have recently acquired a very nice basketball hoop. These friends have children the identical ages of our children and I swear these two grew so much in the past few weeks I can’t imagine what it is going to be like when I see my children in July. Time does pass so quickly and I have a snapshot in my mind from when my children came to visit me last July but I am sure that snapshot will be blown away when I see them again.
I had a great time shooting hoops but as we sat outside talking I became very cold. My lack of body fat is not conducive when the temperature drops below 60 degrees, yes; I am a light weight when it comes to the cold. We were talking and I was shivering so my dear friend suggested we go inside and I was all for that idea!!! I even needed a few cups of hot chocolate to warm up. The temperature did dip yesterday and I believe there was almost a 40 degree difference between the temperatures on Friday and Saturday. I do like warmer then colder and it is a good thing I do reside in Southern California as opposed to a much colder climate.
Dinner and the conversation were great but I have to admit I miss my children so much when I see their children. It is now less then 3 months before I see them again and I did think I had a small chance of seeing them next week but that evaporated with the events of this week. I will continue to make my daily telephone calls and my daughter does email me every so often. We will be a complete family unit in no time.
Speaking of making telephone calls I displayed bad judgment when I called my wife last night after 8 pm my time which was after 11 pm my wife’s time. She was sound asleep when I called and wasn’t very happy to be woken up. She had a long day yesterday as my daughter performed with her cheerleading troupe at a local Six Flags Amusement Park in New Jersey. Her troupe came in first place and all went well but it was a very tiring day for everyone. My wife is a sound sleeper and wasn’t in the mood to talk. I did call her because there is a part of me that is missing especially around these dear friends.
When I was in prison it was much easier to deal with the day to day activities by myself but out here being in the same place we shared makes it more difficult. It truly is what it is and this too shall pass. Those may sound very cliché but they do ring very true in every aspect. My attitude is positive and I had a wonderful time last night but something inside of me longs for my family. This is all part of those consequences that my actions have caused and I won’t dwell on this but I will not forget. It is easy to forget but through recovery; more truly; in recovery I understand how to live life on life’s terms. Over the years I lived life on Paul’s (me) terms but this didn’t work out so well. Thankfully I continue to receive the tools to deal with life in a positive manner with a positive purpose. This is great and I am eternally grateful for recovery.
The evening was over as one of my dear friend’s was falling asleep at the table while we were talking. I know I am not very interesting so this was not surprising!! My dear friend had a long day and was just tired so the evening came to an end. I drove home thinking of how blessed a person I am to have so many amazing people in my life.
I got up this morning with the intention of running 18 miles. I was torn between running outside and running on the treadmill at the gym. I have done most of my training previously on the treadmill for the five marathons I have run but while I was in prison I did enjoy running outside. I decided on the treadmill at the gym and today was a day dedicated just to running. I stretched out and got on the treadmill for the next 2 ½ hours.
The one issue with running so long on the treadmill is that it stops at the 99 minute mark. In the past I usually time my run to coincide with the treadmill stopping but there is no way I can run 18 miles in 99 minutes and even so my training program called for a much slower tempo then this. The treadmill did stop and somehow didn’t start again but fortunately there weren’t many people at the gym this morning so I just got on an adjacent treadmill and finished the 18 miles.
It was quite funny because I had exactly 6 miles remaining which was my run on Friday where I struggled; even though I had completed 12 miles prior to the additional I felt better today doing the 18 miles (especially the last 6 miles) then I did doing the 6 miles on Friday. Part of it is physical but a bigger part of it is mental. My mind was in a great place this morning and I could have done a full marathon this morning without any problem.
The run was over and my new friend who cleans the bathroom said to me, “finally you have been on that treadmill since I got here over 2 hours ago.” Yes, I did run for over 2 ½ hours but it felt great. I do miss running with headphones and maybe I can find an inexpensive Ipod on EBay because it does seem to make a difference. The gym does have music playing but I am there so often that the music repeats itself from day to day. There are also televisions but I can take so much of Fox News Channel and their so-called “Fair and Balanced” reporting. It would be great to have an Ipod but I guess I would have to download a song which does cost money so I may rethink my position.
Prior to dinner we were outside playing basketball as they have recently acquired a very nice basketball hoop. These friends have children the identical ages of our children and I swear these two grew so much in the past few weeks I can’t imagine what it is going to be like when I see my children in July. Time does pass so quickly and I have a snapshot in my mind from when my children came to visit me last July but I am sure that snapshot will be blown away when I see them again.
I had a great time shooting hoops but as we sat outside talking I became very cold. My lack of body fat is not conducive when the temperature drops below 60 degrees, yes; I am a light weight when it comes to the cold. We were talking and I was shivering so my dear friend suggested we go inside and I was all for that idea!!! I even needed a few cups of hot chocolate to warm up. The temperature did dip yesterday and I believe there was almost a 40 degree difference between the temperatures on Friday and Saturday. I do like warmer then colder and it is a good thing I do reside in Southern California as opposed to a much colder climate.
Dinner and the conversation were great but I have to admit I miss my children so much when I see their children. It is now less then 3 months before I see them again and I did think I had a small chance of seeing them next week but that evaporated with the events of this week. I will continue to make my daily telephone calls and my daughter does email me every so often. We will be a complete family unit in no time.
Speaking of making telephone calls I displayed bad judgment when I called my wife last night after 8 pm my time which was after 11 pm my wife’s time. She was sound asleep when I called and wasn’t very happy to be woken up. She had a long day yesterday as my daughter performed with her cheerleading troupe at a local Six Flags Amusement Park in New Jersey. Her troupe came in first place and all went well but it was a very tiring day for everyone. My wife is a sound sleeper and wasn’t in the mood to talk. I did call her because there is a part of me that is missing especially around these dear friends.
When I was in prison it was much easier to deal with the day to day activities by myself but out here being in the same place we shared makes it more difficult. It truly is what it is and this too shall pass. Those may sound very cliché but they do ring very true in every aspect. My attitude is positive and I had a wonderful time last night but something inside of me longs for my family. This is all part of those consequences that my actions have caused and I won’t dwell on this but I will not forget. It is easy to forget but through recovery; more truly; in recovery I understand how to live life on life’s terms. Over the years I lived life on Paul’s (me) terms but this didn’t work out so well. Thankfully I continue to receive the tools to deal with life in a positive manner with a positive purpose. This is great and I am eternally grateful for recovery.
The evening was over as one of my dear friend’s was falling asleep at the table while we were talking. I know I am not very interesting so this was not surprising!! My dear friend had a long day and was just tired so the evening came to an end. I drove home thinking of how blessed a person I am to have so many amazing people in my life.
I got up this morning with the intention of running 18 miles. I was torn between running outside and running on the treadmill at the gym. I have done most of my training previously on the treadmill for the five marathons I have run but while I was in prison I did enjoy running outside. I decided on the treadmill at the gym and today was a day dedicated just to running. I stretched out and got on the treadmill for the next 2 ½ hours.
The one issue with running so long on the treadmill is that it stops at the 99 minute mark. In the past I usually time my run to coincide with the treadmill stopping but there is no way I can run 18 miles in 99 minutes and even so my training program called for a much slower tempo then this. The treadmill did stop and somehow didn’t start again but fortunately there weren’t many people at the gym this morning so I just got on an adjacent treadmill and finished the 18 miles.
It was quite funny because I had exactly 6 miles remaining which was my run on Friday where I struggled; even though I had completed 12 miles prior to the additional I felt better today doing the 18 miles (especially the last 6 miles) then I did doing the 6 miles on Friday. Part of it is physical but a bigger part of it is mental. My mind was in a great place this morning and I could have done a full marathon this morning without any problem.
The run was over and my new friend who cleans the bathroom said to me, “finally you have been on that treadmill since I got here over 2 hours ago.” Yes, I did run for over 2 ½ hours but it felt great. I do miss running with headphones and maybe I can find an inexpensive Ipod on EBay because it does seem to make a difference. The gym does have music playing but I am there so often that the music repeats itself from day to day. There are also televisions but I can take so much of Fox News Channel and their so-called “Fair and Balanced” reporting. It would be great to have an Ipod but I guess I would have to download a song which does cost money so I may rethink my position.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Positive Thought Processes
It has taken me a number of years to realize and it is still a “work in progress” knowing my thoughts, actions, decisions and alike rest within me. It is strange (ok not really strange more interesting then strange) how recovery continues to teach me so much each and everyday. This maybe my “ego” talking but I did have a fairly good base going into recovery I just chose to ignore this base and just “float” through life.
I am finished floating through life and through awareness along with recognition my thoughts, actions, decisions and other “thought” processes have an entirely new meaning. In the pass I would think about these things but that is where it stopped. Now I not only think about these things I put these things in action.
These actions are centered in a positive being along with positive thought processes. I realized there are circumstances, people and matters outside of my scope of influence/control. I may not be able to change these matters but I can select the appropriate thought process to deal with these matters. This appropriate thought process must be positive and so must my actions.
I have fielded a great deal of negative actions this week but thankfully those negative actions were not emanating from me. I will not fall into the pity party and the woe is me actions nor will I lash out in kind. I need and will maintain the “high” road and this “high” road is all positive thoughts along with positive actions. All of these things are just temporary and really in the grand scheme of things everything is just temporary. I am passing through but it is up to me to do the “right thing” not just selectively but all the time. Sometimes all the crap makes it difficult to see the good but I see all the good not only in my life but in everything.
Dr. Dyer writes of how others influence behavior yet the influence comes from within all of us not without. This is a critical component because between my two ears is a hollow space with little (very little!!) brain matter and this is where it all starts and stops. My Higher Power has entrusted me with the Spirituality of Goodness and it is up to me to use it the way it is designed. Yes, I have ignored this for years but not anymore as I embrace this concept as it becomes a way of life.
I had another great discussion with my friend last evening and this is a true friend. I informed him of my current saga and he is a brilliant source for some very wise pieces of wisdom. I listen and always seem to learn something and for this I am eternally grateful. I won’t down play it I was very frustrated earlier yesterday but after talking to my friend this frustration dissipated quickly. This is the same friend who early on in my recovery gave me some very sage advice as I was told I am good person with a sickness. The sickness can diminish as long as I embrace recovery and it will be all good. This is exactly what continues to happen in my recovery and I am eternally grateful.
After the great conversation I made my way into my bedroom where I got ready for bed. Over the past two nights I found myself watching the prison shows on television. I don’t remember these shows being on before I was sentenced so I am going to guess these are new at least new in the past two years. I am amazed as to how accurate the programs seem to be and I doubt very much if I had seen these programs prior to my incarceration they would have had this type of effect on me. Thankfully in my 19 ½ months of incarceration I didn’t have to experience anything like what was being shown on the programs. The programs focused were the violent offenders and my interactions with the violent offenders were minimal if not non-existent. I need to pry myself away from these programs because I fail to see the value. The only possible value is the reminder for me what could have happened and what could happen without recovery. I choose recovery everyday as opposed to that type of existence.
I woke up this morning and instead of taking the day off from working out I decided to take the day off from any aerobic activity. This is an unusual step for me and although when I worked out in prison I was predominately doing the weight exercises; doing this out in the free world is a first for me. I usual combine the weight training with aerobic training and most times when I go to the gym I do some type of aerobic activity. Well this didn’t happen today as I did my weight work out and decided to give my legs a rest. I am planning a long run tomorrow so my legs do need the rest. I did have a very good workout and for once I didn’t end up a sweaty mess!!
The exercise session was over and I had to take the car in for service. Fortunately there are some great people in the GA fellowship so I was able to be picked up from the service station and taken to the GA meeting and when the meeting was over I was given a ride back. All of this was from a very dear member who continues to do wonderful things for the GA Program. The GA meeting was fabulous and what I thought would have been a small meeting turned out into one of the biggest meetings I have attended since my release. The meeting starts at 9 am and we only had 9 people but 20 minutes later an additional 10 people arrived. As I mentioned I haven’t seen 19 people in meeting since my return (not counting the wonderful 25 year birthday celebrations where 112 people attended) and having this many people in a meeting was great.
The meeting was great and many great words were spoken. There were people from all walks of life in the meeting but the common bond was our compulsive gambling addiction. I know for myself it has taken awhile to get to this level but what a wonderful level it has become. I was beaten down by my addiction but slowly and surely I am rising with honesty, openness, and willingness. This along with the awareness of my disease makes all the difference. I made some big mistakes but now I am making the right choices and goodness is in every aspect of my life.
I am finished floating through life and through awareness along with recognition my thoughts, actions, decisions and other “thought” processes have an entirely new meaning. In the pass I would think about these things but that is where it stopped. Now I not only think about these things I put these things in action.
These actions are centered in a positive being along with positive thought processes. I realized there are circumstances, people and matters outside of my scope of influence/control. I may not be able to change these matters but I can select the appropriate thought process to deal with these matters. This appropriate thought process must be positive and so must my actions.
I have fielded a great deal of negative actions this week but thankfully those negative actions were not emanating from me. I will not fall into the pity party and the woe is me actions nor will I lash out in kind. I need and will maintain the “high” road and this “high” road is all positive thoughts along with positive actions. All of these things are just temporary and really in the grand scheme of things everything is just temporary. I am passing through but it is up to me to do the “right thing” not just selectively but all the time. Sometimes all the crap makes it difficult to see the good but I see all the good not only in my life but in everything.
Dr. Dyer writes of how others influence behavior yet the influence comes from within all of us not without. This is a critical component because between my two ears is a hollow space with little (very little!!) brain matter and this is where it all starts and stops. My Higher Power has entrusted me with the Spirituality of Goodness and it is up to me to use it the way it is designed. Yes, I have ignored this for years but not anymore as I embrace this concept as it becomes a way of life.
I had another great discussion with my friend last evening and this is a true friend. I informed him of my current saga and he is a brilliant source for some very wise pieces of wisdom. I listen and always seem to learn something and for this I am eternally grateful. I won’t down play it I was very frustrated earlier yesterday but after talking to my friend this frustration dissipated quickly. This is the same friend who early on in my recovery gave me some very sage advice as I was told I am good person with a sickness. The sickness can diminish as long as I embrace recovery and it will be all good. This is exactly what continues to happen in my recovery and I am eternally grateful.
After the great conversation I made my way into my bedroom where I got ready for bed. Over the past two nights I found myself watching the prison shows on television. I don’t remember these shows being on before I was sentenced so I am going to guess these are new at least new in the past two years. I am amazed as to how accurate the programs seem to be and I doubt very much if I had seen these programs prior to my incarceration they would have had this type of effect on me. Thankfully in my 19 ½ months of incarceration I didn’t have to experience anything like what was being shown on the programs. The programs focused were the violent offenders and my interactions with the violent offenders were minimal if not non-existent. I need to pry myself away from these programs because I fail to see the value. The only possible value is the reminder for me what could have happened and what could happen without recovery. I choose recovery everyday as opposed to that type of existence.
I woke up this morning and instead of taking the day off from working out I decided to take the day off from any aerobic activity. This is an unusual step for me and although when I worked out in prison I was predominately doing the weight exercises; doing this out in the free world is a first for me. I usual combine the weight training with aerobic training and most times when I go to the gym I do some type of aerobic activity. Well this didn’t happen today as I did my weight work out and decided to give my legs a rest. I am planning a long run tomorrow so my legs do need the rest. I did have a very good workout and for once I didn’t end up a sweaty mess!!
The exercise session was over and I had to take the car in for service. Fortunately there are some great people in the GA fellowship so I was able to be picked up from the service station and taken to the GA meeting and when the meeting was over I was given a ride back. All of this was from a very dear member who continues to do wonderful things for the GA Program. The GA meeting was fabulous and what I thought would have been a small meeting turned out into one of the biggest meetings I have attended since my release. The meeting starts at 9 am and we only had 9 people but 20 minutes later an additional 10 people arrived. As I mentioned I haven’t seen 19 people in meeting since my return (not counting the wonderful 25 year birthday celebrations where 112 people attended) and having this many people in a meeting was great.
The meeting was great and many great words were spoken. There were people from all walks of life in the meeting but the common bond was our compulsive gambling addiction. I know for myself it has taken awhile to get to this level but what a wonderful level it has become. I was beaten down by my addiction but slowly and surely I am rising with honesty, openness, and willingness. This along with the awareness of my disease makes all the difference. I made some big mistakes but now I am making the right choices and goodness is in every aspect of my life.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Bye-Bye Negative Influences!!!
Here I go again with another cryptic posting because if I posted the entire story who knows what would happen!! I was up earlier then usual this morning because I had to run an errand prior to going to work. I got to the gym early; worked out and got out of there as I had planned. Incidentally my most difficult run seems to occur on Friday which is usually the shortest and less intense run of the week.
I believe this has something to do with the fact that my most intense run of the week is on Thursday and the only time I run back to back days is on Friday. Anyhow I slogged through a six mile run at such a slow pace that I should be able to do this in my sleep!! This may have been the problem because my motivation levels were low. I could feel every stride in my lower legs but magically (once again) after the five mile mark I couldn’t feel anything!!
I still managed to get a good sweat even though time wise and mile wise this was my least productive run of the week. I seem to raise the level of intensity in that last mile so I can get a good sweat. I don’t believe this is the intent of the training program but something in my sick little head pushes me very hard in that last mile. I could also feel a slight discomfort in my right calf muscle. This discomfort really only bothers me when I stretch it out or if I am sitting down.
Strangely enough the discomfort disappears when I am running which probably has something to with the blood pooling in this area. I would describe the discomfort as a tear in the muscle. That does sound foreboding but for the most part the discomfort which I wouldn’t even label as pain goes away more then it arrives. I will keep an eye on it and judge my runs according. I am training like I am running the San Diego Rock n’ Roll marathon on June 1st even though I may not run in it.
There is a fantastic half marathon (13.1 miles) next weekend and I have run this half marathon on two other occasions. Most of the run is along the Pacific Ocean and then it goes up a very steep incline (one year I witnessed a man who was running have a heart attack going up the steep incline) and ends up at a beautiful cove along the Pacific Ocean. The two times I ran this my family did not attend so it wouldn’t be like the Rock n’ Roll marathon and since I am not allowed to go to my daughter’s communion next week running in the half marathon maybe a good alternative. Of course; these races aren’t cheap and I have to be fiscally responsible because I don’t know how much longer my job is going to last. Of course; I will continue to take this one day at a time but I have to have my eye on the future when my family returns in July.
Alright I got a bit off track there and I apologize. The workout was finished and I ventured on to my errand. This errand took me much longer then I expected and I got much less accomplished then I expected. It really was a simple task but I have come to realize what I view as simple others may view as complicated. I walked out of the errand shaking my head because I was given conflicting reports. I did formulate a plan as I drove back to the office and I put this plan into effect once I arrive at the office. Again; what I view as something that makes sense may not be viewed the same as others. I finished the plan and followed up.
True to form I received conflicting information from the same person. I did all I could to refute this conflicting information but it made no difference. I was shaking my head and just smiling as I listened. I really couldn’t believe my ears but when I heard one statement it all made sense. It was all about covering one’s own “butt” and I heard the words I knew I would hear; “I won’t put my job on the line”. I can understand this statement because it truly is about the individual. I was hoping for more empathy and compassion but those terms do not even enter into the equation. I am all for consistency and honesty; today I didn’t receive either of these. I am truly at a lost but thankfully in recovery I know to accept these things and look for the wisdom to know the difference.
I relayed the “real story” to my mother and God bless her because she holds nothing back. My mother stated; “I am getting sick to my stomach just listening to this” and yes, this would be a correct sentiment; however; there is an external source in my life that I brought in my life and I must deal with this source for the next 11 months (oh yes, I am counting down the days). I really don’t have much interaction with this external source but there have been two issues which has brought me face to face with this external source. I was hoping for a positive outcome but this was not the case. It truly is what it is and I don’t know what else I can do. I won’t dwell on this even though it is very frustrating; I will move forward in a positive manner.
I thought about this last night before I went to sleep and I realize how much energy I spend on external negative influences. I will not spend any extra effort on these negative influences because it serves no purpose. The only purpose it serves is to bring me down. I will not allow this to bring my down and my head is held high, I have a big smile on my face because I know this is all working out the way it is supposed to. There is a reason all of this is working out in this manner and that reason will surface shortly if it hasn’t surfaced already. I can analyze this to death but again this serves no purpose other then wasting my energy. My energy needs to be directed into positive areas and this is exactly where it will reside.
I had enough of sitting inside so I decided to play golf by myself this afternoon. Usually my boss plays golf on Friday but he has finally realized that this isn’t where he needs to be since the business isn’t going so well. I on the other hand needed some fresh air, green grass and golf balls!! I will go into the office tomorrow after the GA meeting and ensure all of my work is in order so this afternoon I drove to a brand new golf course and played golf. I am pleasantly surprised because the cost of the golf courses isn’t nearly as high as I remembered. I played a fantastic golf course today for only $30. If this golf course were in Las Vegas the green fees would be over $200!!
I was paired up with a very nice gentleman who was there by himself as well. This nice gentleman was a very good golfer and we played with two other good guys to round out the foursome. I played very well and I played not so very well. The very well out numbered the not so very well but my score was affected in a higher proportion by the not so very well. I am getting more confident in my golf game and I can see returning to level where I once was. I had more “pure” shots then I have had since my release and this is very positive. The day was well spent outdoors, enjoying the warm temperatures and whacking around the golf ball. The negative influences are gone and have been banished from my life. I am a big believer in karma and as long as I stay positive great things will continue to happen.
I believe this has something to do with the fact that my most intense run of the week is on Thursday and the only time I run back to back days is on Friday. Anyhow I slogged through a six mile run at such a slow pace that I should be able to do this in my sleep!! This may have been the problem because my motivation levels were low. I could feel every stride in my lower legs but magically (once again) after the five mile mark I couldn’t feel anything!!
I still managed to get a good sweat even though time wise and mile wise this was my least productive run of the week. I seem to raise the level of intensity in that last mile so I can get a good sweat. I don’t believe this is the intent of the training program but something in my sick little head pushes me very hard in that last mile. I could also feel a slight discomfort in my right calf muscle. This discomfort really only bothers me when I stretch it out or if I am sitting down.
Strangely enough the discomfort disappears when I am running which probably has something to with the blood pooling in this area. I would describe the discomfort as a tear in the muscle. That does sound foreboding but for the most part the discomfort which I wouldn’t even label as pain goes away more then it arrives. I will keep an eye on it and judge my runs according. I am training like I am running the San Diego Rock n’ Roll marathon on June 1st even though I may not run in it.
There is a fantastic half marathon (13.1 miles) next weekend and I have run this half marathon on two other occasions. Most of the run is along the Pacific Ocean and then it goes up a very steep incline (one year I witnessed a man who was running have a heart attack going up the steep incline) and ends up at a beautiful cove along the Pacific Ocean. The two times I ran this my family did not attend so it wouldn’t be like the Rock n’ Roll marathon and since I am not allowed to go to my daughter’s communion next week running in the half marathon maybe a good alternative. Of course; these races aren’t cheap and I have to be fiscally responsible because I don’t know how much longer my job is going to last. Of course; I will continue to take this one day at a time but I have to have my eye on the future when my family returns in July.
Alright I got a bit off track there and I apologize. The workout was finished and I ventured on to my errand. This errand took me much longer then I expected and I got much less accomplished then I expected. It really was a simple task but I have come to realize what I view as simple others may view as complicated. I walked out of the errand shaking my head because I was given conflicting reports. I did formulate a plan as I drove back to the office and I put this plan into effect once I arrive at the office. Again; what I view as something that makes sense may not be viewed the same as others. I finished the plan and followed up.
True to form I received conflicting information from the same person. I did all I could to refute this conflicting information but it made no difference. I was shaking my head and just smiling as I listened. I really couldn’t believe my ears but when I heard one statement it all made sense. It was all about covering one’s own “butt” and I heard the words I knew I would hear; “I won’t put my job on the line”. I can understand this statement because it truly is about the individual. I was hoping for more empathy and compassion but those terms do not even enter into the equation. I am all for consistency and honesty; today I didn’t receive either of these. I am truly at a lost but thankfully in recovery I know to accept these things and look for the wisdom to know the difference.
I relayed the “real story” to my mother and God bless her because she holds nothing back. My mother stated; “I am getting sick to my stomach just listening to this” and yes, this would be a correct sentiment; however; there is an external source in my life that I brought in my life and I must deal with this source for the next 11 months (oh yes, I am counting down the days). I really don’t have much interaction with this external source but there have been two issues which has brought me face to face with this external source. I was hoping for a positive outcome but this was not the case. It truly is what it is and I don’t know what else I can do. I won’t dwell on this even though it is very frustrating; I will move forward in a positive manner.
I thought about this last night before I went to sleep and I realize how much energy I spend on external negative influences. I will not spend any extra effort on these negative influences because it serves no purpose. The only purpose it serves is to bring me down. I will not allow this to bring my down and my head is held high, I have a big smile on my face because I know this is all working out the way it is supposed to. There is a reason all of this is working out in this manner and that reason will surface shortly if it hasn’t surfaced already. I can analyze this to death but again this serves no purpose other then wasting my energy. My energy needs to be directed into positive areas and this is exactly where it will reside.
I had enough of sitting inside so I decided to play golf by myself this afternoon. Usually my boss plays golf on Friday but he has finally realized that this isn’t where he needs to be since the business isn’t going so well. I on the other hand needed some fresh air, green grass and golf balls!! I will go into the office tomorrow after the GA meeting and ensure all of my work is in order so this afternoon I drove to a brand new golf course and played golf. I am pleasantly surprised because the cost of the golf courses isn’t nearly as high as I remembered. I played a fantastic golf course today for only $30. If this golf course were in Las Vegas the green fees would be over $200!!
I was paired up with a very nice gentleman who was there by himself as well. This nice gentleman was a very good golfer and we played with two other good guys to round out the foursome. I played very well and I played not so very well. The very well out numbered the not so very well but my score was affected in a higher proportion by the not so very well. I am getting more confident in my golf game and I can see returning to level where I once was. I had more “pure” shots then I have had since my release and this is very positive. The day was well spent outdoors, enjoying the warm temperatures and whacking around the golf ball. The negative influences are gone and have been banished from my life. I am a big believer in karma and as long as I stay positive great things will continue to happen.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Daily "Stuff" Not So Much Interesting!!!
I spent most of last evening talking and laughing with my very good friend. This was centered on my difficult beginning to the day yesterday. I continue to be amazed because I have only known this dear friend for a little over three years yet this is one of my closest friends and what a friend they have become!! I was offered and took some very good advice about the situation. It is interesting how time even a short period of time provides much better perspective on certain situations such as this one. I have one more option which I will pursue (this is all part of discovering the “wisdom to know the difference”) over the next few days and I am confident everything will work out for the very best.
After a very good night of laughter and discussion I went to be sleep feeling much better then previously during the day. I have been sleeping very soundly over the past week and last night was no exception. I seem to wake up automatically at 4:30 am everyday but this is a little too early to get out of bed. I do my best to fall back to sleep for another hour and this has been the case all week. There are some weeks where I am tired when I arise for my early morning exercise routine but there are weeks such as this week where I wake up feeling rejuvenated. I have been feeling this way all week and my workout schedule has been eerily consistent.
I continue to adhere to my running program and in this program running days are Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Sunday. The session on Thursday (which is today) is more intense then any other days during the week even the long runs on Sunday. I was pushing myself early on in the session this morning but there is a point usually at the five mile mark where my body and mind goes into another gear.
The first five miles I can feel every step in every part of my body but after those five miles I can’t feel anything and it is truly the “runner’s high”. It is strange because no matter the intensity I have these same feelings. The good part about today’s workout was the intensity was such that I got past that “sticking” point much quicker. I still continue to sweat like a madman and I get some curious looks from others. This has been the case for as long as I have been working out which is now going on 18 years of fairly high intensity working out. I may have run more distance wise while I spent the 19 ½ months in prison but the intensity was not there like it is now. I enjoy the intensity and this workout schedule provides very intense workouts.
The very good workout was over and like all the other mornings I run into the person who cleans the bathroom at the gym. As “coincidence” (not really!!) would have it this person who cleans the bathrooms at the gym started this job as I rejoined the gym over a month and a half ago. I guess my previous connection to cleaning the bathrooms at fire camp makes me very empathetic to this person. We always talk to one another and no, it is not centered on cleaning supplies!!! In the past I wouldn’t take the time to talk because I was “so busy” which wasn’t the case; I was too self-absorbed. It is great to really listen and take in what people say. I do live with honesty, openness and willingness in all aspects of my life.
Since my arrival the gym has been so consistent this week I have noticed that there are some days where I go a bit overboard when I am in the weight training part of my workout. The other day I trained for almost 2 hours prior to my run and got to work later then normal. I have been aware of my tendency to over train which is why I watched the clock this morning. This also goes for my running and exceeding the training program. I had to consciously stop myself from going any longer and I had to convince myself it was okay to stop running prior to the 60 minute mark. I covered the miles I need to attain but I was a few minutes shy of 60, I was thinking about going for 60 minutes but thought much better of it and stopped.
It was off to work where I had meetings scheduled in the afternoon. I got what I needed to do in the morning and we were off to the meetings. I do my best to stay open in all aspects but sometimes even work related issues make it difficult to stay focused. The meetings were about a part of the business where I don’t have much interaction. I don’t mind hearing about the programs and how things are run but somewhere along the way I lost interest. I did learn that there are some very significant plans to assist non-violent felons who are currently serving prison sentences. These are just in the planning stages so I don’t know what will happen but it is the proper direction. Today was a solid day and my attitude is very good.
After a very good night of laughter and discussion I went to be sleep feeling much better then previously during the day. I have been sleeping very soundly over the past week and last night was no exception. I seem to wake up automatically at 4:30 am everyday but this is a little too early to get out of bed. I do my best to fall back to sleep for another hour and this has been the case all week. There are some weeks where I am tired when I arise for my early morning exercise routine but there are weeks such as this week where I wake up feeling rejuvenated. I have been feeling this way all week and my workout schedule has been eerily consistent.
I continue to adhere to my running program and in this program running days are Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Sunday. The session on Thursday (which is today) is more intense then any other days during the week even the long runs on Sunday. I was pushing myself early on in the session this morning but there is a point usually at the five mile mark where my body and mind goes into another gear.
The first five miles I can feel every step in every part of my body but after those five miles I can’t feel anything and it is truly the “runner’s high”. It is strange because no matter the intensity I have these same feelings. The good part about today’s workout was the intensity was such that I got past that “sticking” point much quicker. I still continue to sweat like a madman and I get some curious looks from others. This has been the case for as long as I have been working out which is now going on 18 years of fairly high intensity working out. I may have run more distance wise while I spent the 19 ½ months in prison but the intensity was not there like it is now. I enjoy the intensity and this workout schedule provides very intense workouts.
The very good workout was over and like all the other mornings I run into the person who cleans the bathroom at the gym. As “coincidence” (not really!!) would have it this person who cleans the bathrooms at the gym started this job as I rejoined the gym over a month and a half ago. I guess my previous connection to cleaning the bathrooms at fire camp makes me very empathetic to this person. We always talk to one another and no, it is not centered on cleaning supplies!!! In the past I wouldn’t take the time to talk because I was “so busy” which wasn’t the case; I was too self-absorbed. It is great to really listen and take in what people say. I do live with honesty, openness and willingness in all aspects of my life.
Since my arrival the gym has been so consistent this week I have noticed that there are some days where I go a bit overboard when I am in the weight training part of my workout. The other day I trained for almost 2 hours prior to my run and got to work later then normal. I have been aware of my tendency to over train which is why I watched the clock this morning. This also goes for my running and exceeding the training program. I had to consciously stop myself from going any longer and I had to convince myself it was okay to stop running prior to the 60 minute mark. I covered the miles I need to attain but I was a few minutes shy of 60, I was thinking about going for 60 minutes but thought much better of it and stopped.
It was off to work where I had meetings scheduled in the afternoon. I got what I needed to do in the morning and we were off to the meetings. I do my best to stay open in all aspects but sometimes even work related issues make it difficult to stay focused. The meetings were about a part of the business where I don’t have much interaction. I don’t mind hearing about the programs and how things are run but somewhere along the way I lost interest. I did learn that there are some very significant plans to assist non-violent felons who are currently serving prison sentences. These are just in the planning stages so I don’t know what will happen but it is the proper direction. Today was a solid day and my attitude is very good.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
"Wisdom" "Acceptance" Oh My!!!!
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference”. This is such a powerful prayer which continues to deliver me to serenity so many different times. I cannot count the times I said this prayer while I was incarcerate and although my need to summon this prayer has been lessened out here in the “free world” I still need to call on this from time to time. One of these times was this morning and I would love to go into detail regarding how, why, where and when I summoned the “Serenity Prayer” but I would be better served just providing the “Reader’s Digest Cryptic” version for fear of incriminations.
“Obsequious” comes to mind and I’m not sure if that is even the correct word. The definition refers to being obedient and dutiful; okay maybe it is the proper word when I think of my parole. I do my very best to be obedient and dutiful. In my quest to “do the right thing” I continue this action each and everyday. There are days such as today more specifically this morning where I really question those “things I cannot change”. I dug deep to accept this fact and sometimes it is downright frustrating.
My life is in the hands of others even though I am residing in the free world as I serve parole for the next year. Rightfully my life is in the hands of others because I put it there and I have come to terms with this; however; (there are going to be many “however’s” in this passage) the effect of others on my life is somewhat difficult. It makes it exceedingly difficult when there is inconsistency, double talk and conscious misstatements. Yes, I have to remind myself I cannot do anything about this or I need to really address the “wisdom to know the difference” section of the Serenity Prayer more thoroughly.
I do apologize for the cryptic nature of this passage but I am sure many can read between the lines. I was faced with a situation this morning that really took me back a few steps but thank God for recovery!! In recovery my reactions are tempered if not measured more carefully. I realize when it is time to defend myself and when it is not time to defend myself. There really is only so much I can do and as long as I do my best I know everything will continue to work out for the very best.
I am not in any danger of doing anything stupid but the bottom line is I am frustrated. Many things in life and really life itself is just temporary so “this too shall pass” and pass soon enough. I will be very happy when it all passes and my life returns to me in total. However; in the interim I will continue to summon the Serenity Prayer and seek that fine line between wisdom and acceptance.
My day got exceedingly better as I met with an exceptional pleasant professional. The last which happened to be the first time I met this person I was wearing something very different then I wore today and the surroundings were very different. Today we had a great lunch and we talked for almost two hours. This talk centered on my previous employer and all the comings and goings in the past few years. I was certainly briefed about all those comings and goings. I was not surprised by the many different things that were happened and continue to happen. I was surprised by the people who are and were involved in some of those activities.
One such person was my old boss who appears to be in a great deal of trouble, dare I say more so then I ever faced. I hold no ill will toward anyone especially my previous boss who appeared in court to testify against me. It is interesting to me how karma comes into play in most areas of my life and I have observed this in others as well. A glaring example of this was the Elliot Spitzer case and now my old boss is seeing karma come full circle.
It is ashamed when things like this happen and my goodness the more I realize the more I believe that I was in a bad environment and I am fortune to have moved on. Of course, the moving on was not of my own free will but everything continues to work out for the very best. I wish my old boss the best of everything and hopefully there is a good support network to draw from.
I enjoyed the lunch tremendously and the way things work out I am so very glad to have met this person. The reason why I was asked to lunch was this person had something important to ask me. No, it wasn’t a job offer or anything like that it was more of a professional courtesy then anything else. I felt it was more personal then professional in the way we spoke with one another and I alleviated any concerns with my response. I do hope to remain in contact with this person and once again I have no idea where all of this leads but I do know I am on the right path all thanks to recovery.
“Obsequious” comes to mind and I’m not sure if that is even the correct word. The definition refers to being obedient and dutiful; okay maybe it is the proper word when I think of my parole. I do my very best to be obedient and dutiful. In my quest to “do the right thing” I continue this action each and everyday. There are days such as today more specifically this morning where I really question those “things I cannot change”. I dug deep to accept this fact and sometimes it is downright frustrating.
My life is in the hands of others even though I am residing in the free world as I serve parole for the next year. Rightfully my life is in the hands of others because I put it there and I have come to terms with this; however; (there are going to be many “however’s” in this passage) the effect of others on my life is somewhat difficult. It makes it exceedingly difficult when there is inconsistency, double talk and conscious misstatements. Yes, I have to remind myself I cannot do anything about this or I need to really address the “wisdom to know the difference” section of the Serenity Prayer more thoroughly.
I do apologize for the cryptic nature of this passage but I am sure many can read between the lines. I was faced with a situation this morning that really took me back a few steps but thank God for recovery!! In recovery my reactions are tempered if not measured more carefully. I realize when it is time to defend myself and when it is not time to defend myself. There really is only so much I can do and as long as I do my best I know everything will continue to work out for the very best.
I am not in any danger of doing anything stupid but the bottom line is I am frustrated. Many things in life and really life itself is just temporary so “this too shall pass” and pass soon enough. I will be very happy when it all passes and my life returns to me in total. However; in the interim I will continue to summon the Serenity Prayer and seek that fine line between wisdom and acceptance.
My day got exceedingly better as I met with an exceptional pleasant professional. The last which happened to be the first time I met this person I was wearing something very different then I wore today and the surroundings were very different. Today we had a great lunch and we talked for almost two hours. This talk centered on my previous employer and all the comings and goings in the past few years. I was certainly briefed about all those comings and goings. I was not surprised by the many different things that were happened and continue to happen. I was surprised by the people who are and were involved in some of those activities.
One such person was my old boss who appears to be in a great deal of trouble, dare I say more so then I ever faced. I hold no ill will toward anyone especially my previous boss who appeared in court to testify against me. It is interesting to me how karma comes into play in most areas of my life and I have observed this in others as well. A glaring example of this was the Elliot Spitzer case and now my old boss is seeing karma come full circle.
It is ashamed when things like this happen and my goodness the more I realize the more I believe that I was in a bad environment and I am fortune to have moved on. Of course, the moving on was not of my own free will but everything continues to work out for the very best. I wish my old boss the best of everything and hopefully there is a good support network to draw from.
I enjoyed the lunch tremendously and the way things work out I am so very glad to have met this person. The reason why I was asked to lunch was this person had something important to ask me. No, it wasn’t a job offer or anything like that it was more of a professional courtesy then anything else. I felt it was more personal then professional in the way we spoke with one another and I alleviated any concerns with my response. I do hope to remain in contact with this person and once again I have no idea where all of this leads but I do know I am on the right path all thanks to recovery.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
The Tenet is Awareness
My goodness where do the days go?? I know I am getting a bit repetitive and I apologize but it does bear repeating; time goes by so quickly and it has certainly accelerated in the past two months. The last 24 hours have been a blur and I really haven’t done anything earth shattering, in fact, I haven’t done anything out of the ordinary yet the time has moved so quickly.
Last night was the Monday (actually every other Monday) evening Gamblers Anonymous speaker meeting and these are excellent meetings. These meetings have a dedicated speaker who shares their experience, strength and hope for a large majority of the meeting. The speaker last night has 26 plus years in GA and wow did I learn so much. This is the beauty of the Program because in my three years I seem to learn something at every meeting and last night was so very educational.
I believe the overall theme this member was trying to present was awareness. Awareness for me is such a key principle because for so many years I denied my compulsive gambling addiction and for me denial is the opposite of awareness. If I deny then there is no way I can address the problem because I am denying a problem even exists.
The inverse is also true with awareness; when I am aware of my misgivings and continue to take personal inventory (NOT inventory of others) I continue to grow with a positive purpose in recovery. Denial equates to negativity whereas awareness equates to living in a positive manner. Thankfully through GA I make the conscious choice to be aware of my decisions which are based on positive principles such as honesty, kindness, open-mindness and most certainly awareness.
The speaker also illustrated the huge difference between abstinence and recovery. One can “work” the GA program by being abstinent but they (in my opinion) are doing themselves a huge disservice because there is so much more to GA then just stopping gambling. The 12 steps of recovery which are universal in all 12 step programs provide an incredible way of living. I believe this has to be the foundation of my everyday existence in order for me to grow into becoming a much better person. So often members talk about “working” the steps which sound arduous. I prefer to “live” the steps in my daily affairs and this is what the speaker was saying last night. As long as I keep a conscious (incidentally this does slip in my unconscious) effort to live the 12 steps in fact it is more like the 24 steps counting the Unity part of the program my life has shown incredible growth.
Spirituality is another key tenet of the program which the speaker addressed. I love the spiritual part of the program because for years I would get so hung up on the religious aspect I would miss the big picture which living in and through Spirit. I certainly couldn’t see the forest through the trees but now with GA’s guidance I not only see the trees but the leaves, roots, and all things associated.
This was a remarkable speaker and to me it was a learning experience. I have so much more to learn and thankfully I continue to learn each and everyday. There was a point in my life not too long ago that I thought I knew everything but I certainly don’t know everything and in fact I have so much more to learn. This is a learning process and much like living one day at a time it is a daily process of learning. I love to learn and in GA there is no shortage of learning. Early on in the program I sought out the “old-timers” because they “had” what I was seeking which is recovery. I have such a long way to go but with incredible people in the program such as the member who spoke last night I am certainly on the proper path.
Speaking of awareness I have been following the story about the compulsive gambler who is suing a number of casinos for her losses. I am sure everyone has seen this story but if you haven’t please click on this link to read more http://www.mycasinolawsuit.com/copy_of_casinos_response. I have seen lawsuits like this in the past and these usually fade away which means the casinos are almost always successful. It all goes to the tobacco lawsuits with the deceptive and manipulative ways of the tobacco industry.
I have my doubts regarding this lawsuit because the burden of proof is squarely on the plaintiff and the fact that she knew to prove the casinos knew firsthand she was a compulsive gambler yet continued to let her play. It does all come down to personal responsibility but this is an insidious and baffling illness which makes people do irrational things as I can attest to.
This woman who also is an attorney is in treatment for her compulsive gambling addiction and I do hope she continues with her recovery one day at a time since life does get better. It does bring me around to my original point of awareness; at the very least this lawsuit brings the awareness of compulsive gambling to the mainstream. Most “normal” people just don’t understand the compulsive gambling addiction and I can’t blame them; there response is “why don’t you just stop?” This is such a simplistic question and one I cannot answer having been faced with the opportunity to stop multiple times before it was too late. Gratefully as long as I have a breath it is never too late and my particular situation had to happen the way it happened since everything happens for a reason.
I couldn’t just stop or walk away until I had the handcuffs around my wrists but thankfully I have found recovery and in three plus years despite some strange “surroundings” my life continues to improve one day at a time. Hopefully someone will read the story surrounding this lawsuit and stop the madness. It is quite simply madness to gamble compulsively. I know I am wired to gamble like a crazy person even though most things in my life are measured. I have an obsessive compulsive personality and gambling is one thing I cannot do like “normal” people. I have found a program of recovery which is restoring my sanity and I am eternally grateful.
Last night was the Monday (actually every other Monday) evening Gamblers Anonymous speaker meeting and these are excellent meetings. These meetings have a dedicated speaker who shares their experience, strength and hope for a large majority of the meeting. The speaker last night has 26 plus years in GA and wow did I learn so much. This is the beauty of the Program because in my three years I seem to learn something at every meeting and last night was so very educational.
I believe the overall theme this member was trying to present was awareness. Awareness for me is such a key principle because for so many years I denied my compulsive gambling addiction and for me denial is the opposite of awareness. If I deny then there is no way I can address the problem because I am denying a problem even exists.
The inverse is also true with awareness; when I am aware of my misgivings and continue to take personal inventory (NOT inventory of others) I continue to grow with a positive purpose in recovery. Denial equates to negativity whereas awareness equates to living in a positive manner. Thankfully through GA I make the conscious choice to be aware of my decisions which are based on positive principles such as honesty, kindness, open-mindness and most certainly awareness.
The speaker also illustrated the huge difference between abstinence and recovery. One can “work” the GA program by being abstinent but they (in my opinion) are doing themselves a huge disservice because there is so much more to GA then just stopping gambling. The 12 steps of recovery which are universal in all 12 step programs provide an incredible way of living. I believe this has to be the foundation of my everyday existence in order for me to grow into becoming a much better person. So often members talk about “working” the steps which sound arduous. I prefer to “live” the steps in my daily affairs and this is what the speaker was saying last night. As long as I keep a conscious (incidentally this does slip in my unconscious) effort to live the 12 steps in fact it is more like the 24 steps counting the Unity part of the program my life has shown incredible growth.
Spirituality is another key tenet of the program which the speaker addressed. I love the spiritual part of the program because for years I would get so hung up on the religious aspect I would miss the big picture which living in and through Spirit. I certainly couldn’t see the forest through the trees but now with GA’s guidance I not only see the trees but the leaves, roots, and all things associated.
This was a remarkable speaker and to me it was a learning experience. I have so much more to learn and thankfully I continue to learn each and everyday. There was a point in my life not too long ago that I thought I knew everything but I certainly don’t know everything and in fact I have so much more to learn. This is a learning process and much like living one day at a time it is a daily process of learning. I love to learn and in GA there is no shortage of learning. Early on in the program I sought out the “old-timers” because they “had” what I was seeking which is recovery. I have such a long way to go but with incredible people in the program such as the member who spoke last night I am certainly on the proper path.
Speaking of awareness I have been following the story about the compulsive gambler who is suing a number of casinos for her losses. I am sure everyone has seen this story but if you haven’t please click on this link to read more http://www.mycasinolawsuit.com/copy_of_casinos_response. I have seen lawsuits like this in the past and these usually fade away which means the casinos are almost always successful. It all goes to the tobacco lawsuits with the deceptive and manipulative ways of the tobacco industry.
I have my doubts regarding this lawsuit because the burden of proof is squarely on the plaintiff and the fact that she knew to prove the casinos knew firsthand she was a compulsive gambler yet continued to let her play. It does all come down to personal responsibility but this is an insidious and baffling illness which makes people do irrational things as I can attest to.
This woman who also is an attorney is in treatment for her compulsive gambling addiction and I do hope she continues with her recovery one day at a time since life does get better. It does bring me around to my original point of awareness; at the very least this lawsuit brings the awareness of compulsive gambling to the mainstream. Most “normal” people just don’t understand the compulsive gambling addiction and I can’t blame them; there response is “why don’t you just stop?” This is such a simplistic question and one I cannot answer having been faced with the opportunity to stop multiple times before it was too late. Gratefully as long as I have a breath it is never too late and my particular situation had to happen the way it happened since everything happens for a reason.
I couldn’t just stop or walk away until I had the handcuffs around my wrists but thankfully I have found recovery and in three plus years despite some strange “surroundings” my life continues to improve one day at a time. Hopefully someone will read the story surrounding this lawsuit and stop the madness. It is quite simply madness to gamble compulsively. I know I am wired to gamble like a crazy person even though most things in my life are measured. I have an obsessive compulsive personality and gambling is one thing I cannot do like “normal” people. I have found a program of recovery which is restoring my sanity and I am eternally grateful.
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