"I Got Nothin!"

Quite frankly, Next Wednesday can’t get here fast enough. I am anxiously waiting that day. Yesterday, the fact that I will be released shortly became more real. Part of the parole process is the closing out of my Inmate Trust Account. When this journey all started some 19 months ago, my wonderful wife deposited money into this account so I could purchase things. Since I owe restitution, this was the only time money could be deposited in my account without 55% being deducted for that restitution. I was very fortunate because this was the one and only time anyone deposited money on my account. There was the time when I resided at the reception center that my mother sent me a $20 money order. This money order never made it to my account. In fact, other than having my mother tell me she sent the money order, I would have never known. I never pushed the issue as I thought it was better to practice the path of least resistance. Anyhow, the money my wife deposited over 1-1/2 years ago did sustain me along with the money I have earned through my various positions. Oddly, I will be walking out with more than the amount my wife deposited. This also includes a $200 check that all inmates receive when then are released.

I remember someone informing me about the $200 everyone receives when they are released and not believing them. I didn’t understand how the state could “reward” (if I would be so presumptuous to call a $200 check a reward) anyone for being incarcerated. However, upon further thought and personal experience, this money is oftentimes all a parolee has. In this environment at fire camp, everyone seems to have a job which does enable them to parole with some money. The guys on the fire crews who have been here for awhile do accumulate some money, and believe me, every little bit helps. This is the best place in the California prison system, and I am so grateful for my time here.

I signed a release form acknowledging that fact that I received the checks, and I will be given them on my release date next week. This is one of the steps in my parole process, and the final step should occur at the end of this week or early next week. This final step is confirmation of the “Warden’s Release.” Every inmate needs this in order to be released. Typically, this is available a few days prior to the release date. I have had my share of anxious moments as I moved through the system, so I am cautiously optimistic; however, seeing these checks does alleviate many of my concerns, and I will be released next week.

Yesterday was a beautiful day and more like spring than anything else. I went for a run of about 12 miles, which felt very good. Thankfully, I am able to put my mind in another place as I run, and over the past few months, I have been running listening to my radio through headphones. In the past, I wasn’t a big fan of running while listening to music. Now, I understand why most people run while listening to their IPods. Currently, I don’t have an IPod, and looking at my finances, purchasing an IPod is way down on the priority scale. My daughter does have an IPod so hopefully, when I see her again, she may let me borrow it. Another positive aspect of me being able to put my mind somewhere else while running is my running routine has been the same for the past nine months. I really enjoy the scenery, but I am ready for a change of scenery, which will occur very shortly.

The day was so beautiful yesterday that I took my lunch (yes, another peanut butter sandwich!) to the top of the hill and ate it while sitting with my roommate. Lately (which encompasses the last six months), my roommate and I have been spending a great deal of time together. I commented the other day that some married couples don’t spend as much time together as we do. I believe this to be true, but most times, we always seem to find something to talk about. On the rare occasions where we have nothing to say, my roommate will say, “I got nothing!” In my mother’s last letter, she wrote those same words as she struggled for things to say. She did manage to fill two typewritten pages, much like my roommate and me manage to talk for hours while having “nothin” to say. I am very happy to be able to spend this time with my roommate because I won’t be able to see him for some time after I parole. My roommate will have six months remaining when I parole, and my correspondence with him will be limited as is a requirement. I am not allowed to visit him while I am on parole, and if I were allowed, I would certainly come to visit him at least once a month to help break up his time. I know how important visits are, and this would have been great. Unfortunately, it is not possible, but we will keep in touch. He has helped me so much, and I do consider him a very good friend.

My next to last hamburger/hot dog Monday took place last night for dinner in the dining hall. As usual, my roommate came through with a great substitute, and now that I am able to receive what seem to be unlimited non-meat items, I had more than enough food. It is quite funny how the person who doles out the beans and vegetables really enjoys the fact I am able to receive multiple scoops. He loaded up my tray, and I tried to tell him that it was enough, but he continued and told me, “I am entitled to getting more.” I think this is a way for him to get back at the powers that be who normally limit the quantities of food served. We did have a filling dinner, and the night was the usual.

The early morning arrived, and there weren’t any controversies at the weight area. My roommate and I had a very good and thorough workout along with working out our cares. My roommate seemed to hurt his upper leg, but as he seldom does, he continued. We have two more full exercise cycles remaining until my release date as there are eight mornings remaining until my departure. It really is amazing how well everything continues to go. The rest of the day was the usual, but I have officially been replaced. Today was my replacement’s first dull day, and now I have been pushed to the back of the checkout line. This is positive as it also confirms my departure next week. I took my replacement through how I have cleaned the bathrooms over the past five-plus months. He was very excited about the job. That may sound strange; however, he has four months remaining and wants some “me” time in those four months. His reasons for talking the position are very much like my reasons were. I assured him he will have plenty of “me” time, and now his time is his own. The passing of the squeegee is on!

Institutional Living

I am so grateful that I would have spent 19 ½ months within this system. When it is all said and done – I will be out next week. There are many others who had and will spend much more time than me. I witnessed an example of what institutional living can do to a person first hand this morning. I believe in open communications as the cornerstone to so many things in life. However, they sometimes get convoluted in a system like this. There are rules even in a setting such as this and I may never fully understand these rules to which I am grateful. I am eagerly appreciative to have a roommate who is also mystified at these. This system has a tendency to put people in a box and sometimes it is difficult to take the person out of the box. I do feel for these people who venture out into the real world not being able to express their thoughts verbally. The world in here is very basic; however, the skills learned in this system are not necessarily conducive to the outside world. I am fortunate to be getting out shortly and with me I will take some very poignant lessons.

Yesterday was the usual Sunday evening as I listened to “60 Minutes” with my roommate. One of the stories was about the people in Denmark and how they have achieved the title of the happiest country. I found it fascinating to learn why these people seem so happy. The critical component was low expectations. When expectations weren’t met these people weren’t devastated, but when they were met or exceeded they were very happy. This goes to the “live and let live” principle along with going with the flow. I believe inherently everyone is happy, yet life sometimes gets in the way of this happiness. The key is to stay focused in the here and now. I have enormous blessings in my life and when I think of these blessings, I always smile. I am happy – not only because I am getting released next week, but also because I have found peace of mind. In this peace of mind comes happiness and I can’t wait to share this with my family.

Today was a holiday so everyone was in camp. My replacement officially started today so I will be cleaning the bathrooms with him for the next week. I guess the plan is for me to train him, but after 5 minutes of explaining where all the supplies are located, he pretty much got it down. It will be nice to have another person for my last week of work. I started all the bathrooms with someone and now as I come full circle, I am once again cleaning with another person. I expect this week to move by quickly, but I will enjoy every moment. The home stretch is here and next week this journey will come to an end. I look forward to next week so much, but I will be patient and continue to live one day at a time.

Single Digits

The other day I was sitting in my room reading a book much like I do almost everyday. In this setting no conversation is private even spoke at a whisper. I am very grateful for the living quarters as I share a room with one other person. However, since there aren’t any doors on the rooms and the only insulation is a thin piece of paneling between the rooms – sounds carry. The other day I couldn’t help but to hear a few of my dormmates talk about me. I was the “proverbial fly on the wall” and it was interesting to hear comments about myself. They were all positive and I was called the least stressed person in the camp. One of my dormmates stated, “I have never seen any as stress-free as Paulie who gets out in a week and a half, usually everyone is running around stressed out before they are to get paroled.” I smiled when I heard this and it is a correct assessment. I am quietly counting down the days and doing the same thing I have done all through this journey. There is no reason for me to cease what I have been doing and I will not. I calmly go about my business and very much look forward to February 27th. Even though on the outside I am calm – on the inside I am very excited to end this journey and start a new beginning. In the meantime I will go about my affairs and the days will pass soon enough.

Last night the weekly Scrabble match was derailed because one of our members was not available. Our friend (the one who always wins) was on a family visit and my roommate and I decided not to play a head to head match. Presumably next Saturday (if we do play) will be the last Scrabble match for me. These are fun and it amazes me still to think it took me 42 years and coming to prison in order to finally play Scrabble.

The evening last night was filled with talking and a little reading. I was able to receive 5 pieces of mail yesterday and one from an unexpected but much welcomed source. I also received Valentine’s cards from my wife and children. In the card were pictures of all of them. My children are growing up quickly and my wife as usual looked beautiful. I thought more about how I may not be able to go to NJ while I serve parole which is a bit daunting. Hopefully, my wife does rejoin me out here in California come June. I will be faced with another four months of not being able to see my children, but I really don’t want to think about the prospect of this for the next 13 months. I knew everything will work out for the best and it is only a temporary situation. However, I can’t help but to think about how much I want to be part of my children’s day-to-day lives. Seeing their pictures does make it difficult, but I trust and believe all will be well.

I have finally made it into the single digits until my release. Today marks 9 days and 1 wake-up remaining. I can officially say “I get out next week” and I have only one more Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday remaining. The final days are fast approaching and I will be a free person very shortly. Until then I will maintain my stress-free persona and continue to smile.

Finally, I would like to wish a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my Dad. It is hard to believe 4 years have already passed when the entire family was together in Florida celebrating his 60th birthday. Dad, I love you very much! I hope you had a great day!!

My Very Own Memorandum

I was so absorbed with UNDUE INFLUENCE by Steve Martini, I nearly completed reading it yesterday after starting it the day before. I had time alone which is a rarity in the evening as my roommate went off to the television room to watch a movie. This is extremely rare because he almost never ventures into the TV room. The movie was MILLION DOLLAR BABY that won an academy award for the best picture a few years ago. My roommate had never seen it and was quite interested in watching it. I have seen it and it truly was a remarkable movie. I would have seen it again, but I thought the television room would have been crowded so I remained in my room reading UNDUE INFLUENCE. As it turned out, the room wasn’t crowded since it wasn’t a recent movie nor was it an “action” movie. My roommate did enjoy the movie immensely and it gave me time to read my book even further.

The book was very good, the storyline intriguing, and flowed very nicely. There was a twist which I didn’t see coming at the end. I thoroughly enjoyed the novel and would recommend it highly.

Last night my roommate came through for dinner once again. With fried fish on the menu, my roommate made a face of disgust when I mentioned this and did his best to rustle us up some dinner. We too had fish, but our own fish was baked and with mushrooms, peppers, and jalapenos. It was delicious and quite filling. I have been well taken care of with my “special” diet throughout this journey. The first month was shaky as I resided in the county jail. However, each step from there got progressively better and with my roommate it couldn’t possibly get any better than that.

Today ((10 days before release) I received my very own memorandum regarding my “special” diet. There had been some controversy regarding the diets of the non-meat eaters and now that has been solved. By the way, there are only two “official” non-meat eaters in the entire camp and yours truly is one of them. The other is an inmate who eats no meat due to his religious beliefs. My roommate does not fall into this category because he does eat chicken and turkey. According to the memo, I am “entitled to receive extra non-meat food items when going through the chow hall line.” This was very nice and with only 10 days remaining until I parole this was not necessary. However, procedure is procedure and since I am one of the two non-meat eaters, I can now officially receive extra rice and beans when going through chow line. As I mentioned I have been doing very well with my food and I know this was a big concern of mine when I started this journey 19 months ago. That concern faded over the months and amazingly worked out for the very best. This may seem inconsequential, but it is another example of how well this journey has worked out for me. I am so grateful for everything.

I was able to call my wife and speak with her along with my son. My daughter was at cheering practice (when did cheerleading get shortened to cheering) so she was unavailable. My son was very funny and sounded great. My wife informed me she confirmed her airline reservation for next week. She is flying in on Sunday and flying out on Friday. I will be able to spend Wednesday, Thursday, and part of Friday with her. I won’t be able to fly back with her as my wife did speak with my parole agent. She informed my wife that it was too soon for me to fly back east even to visit my children. My wife then asked her about going back to NJ for my daughter’s communion at the end of April. The parole agent couldn’t commit to an answer and was more inclined to say “no”, as it would be too soon to allow me to leave the state.

This could be construed as bad news but as I mentioned to my wife the parole agent has no idea who I am and doesn’t know me from a hole in the wall. I very well may not be allowed to go back for my daughter’s communion, but I am not about to worry or concern myself about it. Whatever is going to happen will and it will be for the very best. I will adhere to the parole agent’s requests and most assuredly I will do what I am told. I will not jeopardize anything and if my family has to come out here so I can be with them as I am allowed to see them in NJ – so be it. I was concerned that I may have made a bad first impression with the parole agent even though I have yet to see or talk with her. Again, I cannot worry about this and I will meet with the parole agent for the first time on the 27th. I do believe once she gets to know me and I what I stand for everything will be great. This is not the time to panic and it will never be the time to panic.

Snow was Short-Lived

The snow of yesterday was short-lived and the majesty of the fallen snow has now dissipated. It certainly was lovely as it fell and amazingly we have experienced all of the four seasons this week. It started off with a beautiful spring like day on Monday followed by a summer like day on Tuesday which was followed by an autumn like day on Wednesday and finally winter set in on Thursday with the snow. Today it has settled back into more seasonable temperatures and bright sunshine.

Yesterday I had one of those episodes which reminded me that my life is certainly not my own in my current situation. I am at the mercy of others and no matter how I personally feel about these others – my best defense is no defense. This means it behooves me to remain silent in these situations. I was a bit upset even border-line angry, but I bit down hard on my tongue and said nothing. This was one of those uncontrollable situations and the best approach was to let go and let God. I am most certainly human and prone to those human emotions such as anger. It is good to know I have enough self-control to let it go. I did and had to laugh because my roommate was also involved. He and I had a great laugh later on playing back the incident.

There is nothing in the “rule-book” that states the inmates must be treated with respect at all times. Fortunately, all through this journey I have been treated with respect from all areas. There have been some circumstances where this respect fell by the wayside and as I look back I can pinpoint where it all stems from as it points to one source. I can do nothing about this source and I must take it just like everyone else. It really is a shame because one bad apple does spoil the bunch. Oh well, with 11 days and 1 wake up remaining, I will stand on my head if I was instructed. This too shall pass and it already has.

I made an impromptu visit with the counselor yesterday asking if my parole plans were available. These plans are sometimes available two weeks prior to the inmate’s release date and sometimes these plans are only available on the day of parole. I fall into the latter. It would be great to see these plans prior to my release, but whenever I see them they won’t change. The positive aspect was the counselor stated that AM paroling on the 27th and this is the only thing that matters. She confirmed my parole agent’s name which coincides with what my mother had discovered a few weeks ago. I am a bit wary of this system because things do go wrong. In my journey as I moved through the stages I was delayed at each interval. However, there will not be any more delays. My release date is February 27th at 8:00 am. I will be driving down the road with my wife at this date and time. This chapter will close and a new chapter will commence.

The evening temperature dropped below freezing and it was the coldest day of the week. Ice formed in many areas and it took awhile to warm up this morning during the early morning exercise session. I am making the most of the days I have remaining because it has been over one week since either my roommate or myself has taken a day off from exercising in the early morning. The cold temperature had me remaining in bed an extra few minutes. It is those few minutes which seemed to be the most difficult and once I got out of bed I was ready for the exercise session. I will miss these sessions with my roommate very much and I am so glad I changed my routine a few months ago so I could exercise with him. He is even helping me with stretching my forever tight hamstrings. Yesterday he helped me stretch further than I have been able to stretch in years. He also gave me a few other stretching exercises for my hamstrings. Now it is up to me to do these exercises which will certainly help loosen me up.

The early morning exercise was one of the better ones we have had in awhile. I am very fortunate to have found my roommate who has become a friend. I have 11 workouts – oh make that 12 – sessions remaining and I will cherish each one.

After the workout – it was on to my workday which was uneventful, but it is a Friday. I only have one more full work week remaining and it isn’t even a five day work wee with President’s Day on Monday. I will still clean the bathroom, but it will feel more like a weekend day than a workday. I do believe my replacement will be joining me sometime next week. This will give me company for my final work days. Today after cleaning the bathrooms, I went for a hike on the hill. This was one of my better hikes and I felt great. It was another great day through and through!

Happy Snowy Valentine's Day!

As I sit here, it is currently snowing in this part of Southern California. This storm has come out of nowhere as the weather forecast called for sunny skies with temperatures in the 60’s. Well, the sky is overcast and the temperature is in the 30’s. It has been snowing for the past two hours and is sticking to the trees, bushes, and grass. The snow is quite beautiful and serene. The adjacent mountains are covered in white which provides a magnificent effect. I was told that it has snowed here in the past and with accumulation. This is the first time I have experienced snow here at camp. I do recall it snowing a few days before Thanksgiving several years ago, but that was my one and only Southern California snow experience. The current snow does remind me of the snow that fell a few days after my wife and I brought my daughter home from the hospital ten years ago.

The snowflakes are white, fluffy, and wet. Most of the snow melts when it reaches the ground but the tree tops, bushes, and grass have a wondrous coating. It is amazing how quickly things can change as the bright warm sunshine has been replaced by clouds and snow. I certainly don’t mind the snow as I watched it fall from my room’s window. At times like these my mind focuses on my children. I think my daughter was just 3 years old when I took her to the ski area near Las Vegas. We went with a good friend and his daughter. I remember my daughter frolicking in the snow and some areas were deeper than she was tall! Growing up on the East Coast I learned to dislike snow as I grew older. Snow was great when I was a kid because enough of it would cancel school and it would be playtime for the entire day. Those were fantastic times. However, as I grew older I couldn’t take “snow days” from work and I would have to venture out in the snowstorms. At one point I remember it taking me 5 hours to get to work when it would normally take 45 minutes. Thankfully, I did not have to do this too often because 14 years ago I along with my wife moved out west where snow became a rarity.

I must admit watching the snow fall is a peaceful and serene experience much like it was when I was much younger. Somewhere along the way I became jaded and now it is nice to take it all in. Since it doesn’t snow very often in this part of Southern California I can marvel at all of Nature’s beauty. I am certain the snow is short lived, but I will enjoy it as long as it lasts as I will enjoy the day. My head is finally clear of the “crap” which infested it for so many years and all of this is thanks to recovery. With this clear head, I can’t help but to smile. This journey has been incredible. I do remember experiencing a short-lived snowstorm when I was at Jamestown. I do think it was very close to this time last year when it occurred. The journey is winding down and with it I take valuable lessons with me such as “Don’t anything for granted especially Nature.” I firmly believe I am a creature of Nature as is everyone on this planet. Nature offers wonders everyday and on days like this some of those wonders are more prominent. It is up to me to stay focused on those everyday wonders and thankfully this is my intention as I live one day at a time.

Today is also Valentine’s Day and Happy Valentine’s Day! I do believe it is a contrived holiday, but nonetheless there is nothing wrong with expressing love. This should extend beyond this one day a year of roses, hearts, and chocolates. In years past, I succumbed to materialistics that come with Valentine’s Day. I would purchase my wife roses, chocolates and other assorted gifts over the years. All of those gifts have come and gone, but my love for my wife endures. I sometimes remain silent when expressing my love for her and this was certainly the case in the past. I love my wife with all my heart and soul. We have known each other for more than 25 years. That routine has been obliterated and this has turned out to be a positive. In less than two weeks I will be with my wife and I can’t wait. This reunion will be short-lived as she will return to NJ as the children finish the school year. My hopes are they will come back in June and we can be a family again. I do believe everything will workout for the best and I look forward to that first hug and kiss with my wife as a free man. There will be many firsts and I will cherish each and every moment because I know it can all be taken away at anytime. Life is meant to be lived one moment at a time and all of those moments are wonderful. Happy Valentine’s Day, sweetie – I love you very much!

Two Weeks To Go

I finished reading “The Last Juror” by John Grisham yesterday evening. I was a big fan of his novels when he first started writing, which was probably over 15 years ago. I remember picking up “The Firm” in the Seattle airport and reading this nonstop on the flight from Seattle to Newark. I couldn’t put the book down and did finish reading it on the flight. After reading this, I found his first published novel, “A Time to Kill” and read that very quickly. By the way, in my opinion, (which really only means something to me!) “A Time to Kill” was his best novel of all of his novels I have read. Back then, I was on a roll and couldn’t get enough of his novels. Somewhere along the line, I stopped reading altogether and sort of lost track of Mr. Grisham’s novels. Upon entering my current situation, I once again resumed reading with veracity. I have filled in the books I hadn’t read previously by Mr. Grisham, and unfortunately, I am losing interest in his novels. “The Last Juror,” which was published in 2004, was one of the worst books I have read from start to finish. It had such a good storyline, but it wasn’t cohesive at all. I kept waiting for the action to start, but it never did. The characters were fascinating on the surface, and it never seemed to go any further than the surface. The ending was horrible and certainly not a textbook happy ending. I think this will be the last John Grisham novel I read for a long time.

Essentially, yesterday seemed like the second Sunday of the week due to the holiday. The only differences between this past Sunday and yesterday was there weren’t any visits yesterday, and the mail did arrive yesterday as opposed to never on Sundays. The mail delivery has been a bit sporadic as of late, and in the past seven days, the mail only arrived on four of those days. The camp is located on a windy road about eight miles from civilization, so I can’t blame the mail carriers for blowing off that drive. I am appreciative of the fact that the mail was delivered yesterday, and I received five pieces of mail. This journey is coming to an end very shortly (incidentally, two weeks exactly from today, Yay!) and so are the wondrous letters. My communications presence presumably will advance when I am out in the free world, and I suspect letter writing will move into e-mail and telephone correspondence. I am so grateful for all the letters I have received all through this journey. I have a garbage bag full of these letters, and these are the letters I have received only here. I have a large box at my good friend’s house filled with letters. Receiving a letter may seem inconsequential to most people, but to us inmates in here, it is a valued commodity. It is unfortunate because not everyone here receives mail, and some folks are envious. I do my best just to collect my mail and move on. There are others who make a big production of it, but nonetheless, the mail has been a huge blessing for me.

Later on today, I will answer these letters, and that will mark my final correspondence to these incredible friends and family members. In one of the letters was a letter from my wonderful nephew. Through all of this, I have gotten to know him so much better than I ever have. It seems that every step of the way a miracle seems to happen, and this correspondence with my nephew is one of those miracles. Hopefully, if I do receive permission to travel to New Jersey for my daughter’s communion at the end of April I will get to visit with my nephew. I have always known I have an exceptional family all the way through, but in this journey, I continue to learn how exceptional everyone truly is. The blessings are bountiful and beautiful.

It is starting to sound like a broken record, but here I go again. The early morning arrived, and with it, I now officially have two weeks to go! In two weeks at this exact time, I will be a free person. I still have 13 days and 1 wakeup day to get through, but I will get through those days one at a time. I was somewhat concerned before this journey commenced, but now as I near completion, I believe it has worked out exactly as planned. I am so grateful for how it has worked out which I attribute all to recovery. Life (my life) is so much better in recovery, and instead of fighting, I am thriving. “Let go and let God” does have a profound meaning in my life and has become a way of life for me. I did things that put me in this position, and this had to happen the way it did. I learn something new every day, and every day continues to get better and better.

This morning was the usual with the early morning workout with my roommate. Today was a better workout than yesterday, and the rest of the day was the usual. I hiked the hill for an hour before lunchtime, enjoying the fantastic weather. The temperature wasn’t as warm as yesterday, but with the high temperature reading 70 degrees, it was again a Chamber of Commerce day. I was looking at my face in the mirror just now, and I have to comment that I will most likely depart here with a tan. I almost feel guilty looking at my face because it hasn’t looked this healthy in a long time. I have made the very best of the past 19 months, and I fully intend to make the best of each and every day one at a time!

Summer in February

Here it is almost the middle of February, and today was a summer day. If the Chambers of Commerce in southern California could bottle a day, today would be that day. The temperature reached 81 degrees with a slight breeze and not one cloud in the sky. I don’t know what the weather is in the rest of the country, but I would guess it doesn’t get much better than it is here. Today, the State of California celebrates Lincoln’s birthday, so it was very much like a weekend. This gave my roommate and me an extra 15 minutes working out this morning, which we needed since it wasn’t one of our best efforts. We tried for an alternative workout which never really had any flow to it. We tried a few different exercises which really didn’t pan out.

I was able to telephone my mother this morning because the telephones were on all day. I now have only two more telephone calls to her remaining. Our telephone calls always seem to drift over the 15-minute time limit, and I have to call her back for an additional 15-minute telephone call. I shudder to think how much money my mother has paid for these collect calls over the past 19 months, and she has told me on several occasions not to worry about it. I won’t have to worry about it anymore two weeks from now, and I will be able to call her without the annoying recording of, “your call may be recorded or monitored” every two minutes. The telephone call today was very good even though neither one of us had much to say, yet we took up a 30-minute phone call! I am always glad to hear her voice, and she has been incredible all throughout this journey. I am so grateful for everything she has done for me and my family.

The telephone call ended, and I went about my abbreviated daily bathroom cleaning duties. Those duties didn’t take too long, and I was planning on running. I had to run because the weather was absolutely perfect. One of my younger friends wanted to run with me and was waiting for me. When I say younger, I mean younger as in 15 years younger. He really is a good “kid,” and there have been so many times I wonder how he ended up in prison. Not only has he ended up in prison, he has a significant sentence to serve my 19-1/2 months of incarceration is nothing, and he will serve more than four times this amount. If the prison system came up with a “test” to gauge whether or not a person understands why they are here, he would pass this test with flying colors. Addictions don’t have to be long term to be detrimental. Any addiction is horrible and can lead a person to this place. Anyhow, his goal was to run with me for about three miles. I thought the pace I normally maintain was compatible to his pace, but I was mistaken. I was running a bit faster than he expected, and shortly after the first half mile, he drifted back. He kept falling back as I continued. As it turned out, he ran his normal pace, and I ran my normal pace. He did finish the three miles, and I ran 14 miles. My run was one of the best I have had in a while. Comparing it to Saturday’s run, I was so much better and stronger today. I cut off 10 minutes from that run, and I guess whatever cold I had was now dissipated. I was in a “zone” for about 45 minutes of the 1-3/4 hour run. I even had time to truly enjoy all of the surroundings such as the serene hills adjacent to the camp. It was a wonderful way to spend a summer day in February.

Happy Birthday "Lulu"!

Today, my daughter turns 10 years old. Oh my, where have those 10 years gone? My daughter, much like my son, was born in Las Vegas, and I can vividly remember that day like it was yesterday. My wife was nine days overdue in her pregnancy with our daughter. My wife’s doctor ordered her to the hospital for labor to be induced. We entered the hospital at 5:00 p.m. on February 9, 1998, and my daughter arrived 24 hours later. Those 24 hours were not exactly fun for my wife. My daughter was stubborn even in the womb and needed some coaxing to join us. The medication used to induce labor was taking its toll on my wife, and I remember being oh so powerless watching her deal with the complications of the medication. At one point, the doctor was ready to schedule a C-section because all of the normal procedures had been exhausted. At this point, my wife was asleep, and I watched (along with our dear friend who was there for some incredible support) the monitor go crazy in the next hour. The C-section was not necessary as an hour later my daughter was ready to enter the world and did so with a flourish. I was with my wife for the entire delivery, and I can still see my daughter as the doctor handed her to my wife for the first time. She was a perfect baby weighing in at 6 pounds 8 ounces and 19 inches long. As the doctor handed her to my wife, my daughter opened her big beautiful blue eyes for the first time, and our eyes looked on one another. This is all it took for me to experience unconditional love, and my heart melted.

My wife held our daughter for a few minutes. Then it was time for my wife to get some rest. I was fortunate enough to be able to give my daughter her first bath soon after this. She was and is perfect in every way. I bathed her and put on her first diaper along with just holding her. It was an amazing experience, and now 10 years have passed already. This was our first child, and we were both in awe. I must admit I did take over in the care of my daughter. When there was a 2:00 a.m. feeding, I was there with the bottle. I remember a few days prior to her first birthday watching her walk all by herself for the first time as I was “hanging out” with her in her room. (I always preferred to call babysitting “hanging out” with my children.) My daughter is an amazing person and has been a “daddy’s girl” ever since birth. I’m not sure of all the psychological reasons why fathers and daughters share a special bond, but I do know I share a special bond with my daughter. I did spend time with her when she was very young. My wife returned to work three months after her birth, and I would always pick my daughter up from daycare on my way home from work, which gave us time together.

It is hard to fathom 10 years have already elapsed. Certainly, many things have happened in these past 10 years, and here I am separated from her for the second birthday in a row. I did get the opportunity to speak with her today on the telephone. She is growing up so fast and speaks so eloquently. I wished her a happy birthday, and we chatted. In her own special way, she said, “Daddy, I have a question for you.” Then she proceeded to ask me what happens when I get out. I need to backtrack for a second. I have somewhat gone out of my way to not focus on my released date when speaking with my children, especially my daughter. I did not want to get her hopes up of me coming to New Jersey for a visit because I have no control over that; however, my daughter knows exactly when I get out and even has a paper link tree which my mother made. This paper link tree signifies the days I have remaining, and as each day passes, one link gets cut. My daughter informed me that I have 15 days remaining, which is correct. I did explain to her what happens when I get out, but I had to cut the conversation short hoping to pick it up later. I called back but was unable to get through due to the dreaded “billing block” on the telephone. I am hoping to get through later on.

My daughter is so inquisitive, and she knows exactly what is going on. She does seem wise beyond her 10 years, and I do look forward to sitting down with her for some in-person discussions. Today being her birthday does make me long to be with my family. Much like my son, my daughter has received her share of nicknames from me over the years, and Lulu seems to have stuck. So, happy 10th birthday my dear Lulu, and it won’t be long until I see her.

Is there anything remarkable that occurred in the past 24 hours? Probably not. The days have that rhythm, and last night was the usual listening to “60 Minutes” with my roommate. As I listened to the program, I had the opportunity to peruse the local Sunday newspaper. I was very surprised to see that Barack Obama had swept three primaries over the weekend in Louisiana, Nebraska, and Washington State. He is in a virtual tie with Hilary Clinton. On “60 Minutes”, there were some interviews with both candidates, and I am equally impressed with both. I have noticed a subtle change in the delivery of Mrs. Clinton’s words. She now comes across less threatening, and I found her speech eloquent. Mr. Obama is a powerful, articulate speaker, but he doesn’t come across as powerful in the one-on-one interviews. I found Mrs. Clinton came across better in the interview. It is shaping up to be a historic Democratic Convention this summer. I wonder if either one of them will garner enough delegates to secure the nomination before the convention. The way it is going, I would be surprised if there is a clear-cut nominee.

I went to sleep earlier than normal but had a hard time falling asleep. I listened to the “John Tesh” radio show as I tried to fall asleep. I finally fell asleep, and the early morning was upon us once again. This would mark the second-to-the-last full work week for me, and the way it is shaping up, these two weeks are short weeks. Tomorrow, apparently, the State of California employees celebrate Lincoln’s birthday, and next Monday, they also celebrate President’s Day. I will still clean the bathrooms on these two days, but it isn’t the same when everyone is out from the camp.

The early morning workout was one again excellent. The weather has certainly improved, and gone all the beanies along with the thermal shirts. It didn’t take long to get a good sweat going, and as usual, this time went by quickly. Yes, I have a little over two weeks remaining, and only two weeks remaining of the workouts with my roommate. I do so enjoy this part of the day, and getting up at the crack of dawn really isn’t so bad. The rest of the day was the usual, and I read more of “The Last Juror” by John Grisham. I am being patient with this book, but so far I am about 60% complete, and I am waiting for something to happen. The storyline is interesting, but it isn’t moving very fast. I did catch myself dozing off a few times as I read which is not a good sign. I am in no rush, and I am sure I will finish this along with one or two more novels in the next two weeks. I am grateful for the opportunity to catch up on all the good authors, and this has helped pass the time.

Spectacular Meeting/Visit

The early morning always seems to arise quickly and the first 5 minutes upon getting out of bed seems critical. I don’t know if it is the inertia or what – but after those 5 minutes, I am ready to go. It seems to work the same way for my roommate, but he is a little less talkative during this period. The early morning workout commenced and while yesterday where it was just the two of us in the weight area, we had the usual company. The workout was excellent and some how we seemed to fill the 2 hours with plenty of exercises. The camp now has more weight equipment as a lat pull down machine was added to the weight area yesterday. There are now plenty of weights, bars, and now additional equipment. I suspect this will grow and grow as time passes. Using the lat machine was just like being at a gym or as close as possible in this environment. Yes, indeed it was one of the better workouts.

It was now time to shave, shower, and wait for the GA meeting/visit. The usual time of my dear friends arrival came and went without me being called to visiting. My wife had informed me that one of my dear friends would not be coming due to the flu so I presumed the rest of my friends would come next week. I got undressed and made myself a bowl of oatmeal. As I was just about tot eat it, my name was announced for visiting. I happily redressed and found my way into the visiting area. My dear friends had arrived for the second to the last GA meeting. Today there were two dear friends in attendance as our other friends had other commitments. The visits have been incredible and it doesn’t matter if six people or two arrive. The meetings are exceptional and today’s was spectacular. We sat together for 2 hours and as we usually do, munched on some very good food and talked about recovery. These people are so special and the GA program is beyond reproach. The time flew by and with the three of us, we conducted a regular GA meeting.

The weather was unbelievably warm and last week I was freezing. Yes, it was spectacular and I will miss these get togethers very much as I depart here. I couldn’t have designed this journey any better and my dear friends add so much joy along with experience, strength, and hope to my life. I am grateful for their presence and recovery is certainly life changing. My life continues to change for the better as I stay focused in recovery and each day is a blessing. I was blessed with two dear friends today and I love them very much!

Is It Still February?

Dinner last night was very comical. It consisted of a Philly Cheese Steak sandwich, submarine roll, soup, French fires, and a salad. I thought the soup was vegetable but it turned out to be turkey so all I had on my tray was the roll and salad. My roommate fared a little better as he had the turkey soup along with the salad and roll. We were both laughing hysterically when we got to our table. I did my best “Oliver Twist” impression and said in a very faux English accent, “Sir, may I have some more?” There are times like these where laughter is the best medicine. Normally, my roommate comes through with an alternative, but he didn’t think of it yesterday so our trays were a bit paltry. There is no complaint from either one of us as we both have plenty of food in our lockers. I returned to the room where I made a tuna fish sandwich on the roll along with some couscous. I have been hoarding my food and with 2 ½ weeks remaining, I think it is okay to eat some of it. The couscous had been with me since last March and although I will be on a tight budget when I get out, I don’t have to take any of the food I currently have with me. I don’t remember if I have ever had a tuna sandwich with couscous but there is first time for everything.

The rest of the evening was spent talking with my roommate. I did take another cold medicine pill before falling off to sleep. Once again it worked very well for a whole 15 minutes, but I did fall asleep very quickly. I slept so soundly when I woke up to go to the bathroom, I would have sworn it was in the early morning hours but it was only 10:30 pm!

Today being Saturday meant there was no need for me to go to the dining hall for breakfast so I had an unlimited time to run. A few weeks ago, I was able to run 90 laps which is close to 20 miles and a possible goal of mine was to run 100 laps for posterity sake. Since that time I have fallen short of that goal and today was no exception. I was able to complete 66 laps which is almost 15 miles in about 2 hours. The weather was absolutely beautiful – in fact I would categorize it as spectacular. It is hard to believe it is still February as the temperature approached 80 degrees. I felt very good while running and I attempted to “sweat out” the cold as it was confined to my head. When I finished running I could feel my sinuses draining which caused some minor head pain or a slight headache. I showered, ate, and then attempted to take a nap. However, I am not very good at taking naps as I laid in bed for 2 hours practically staring at the ceiling. I must say it was restful, but I never found sleep.

Later on in the afternoon the fire camp truly turned into the “Senior Development Center” as I played bocce ball with three others. This set was recently purchased for the camp and I felt like I was on display as we were playing. I once played bocce ball in Florida at my grandparents’ retirement home. This was probably over 30 years ago and here I was chasing the small white ball all over camp. Not many (if any) of my fellow inmates had ever seen this game before so the curiosity factor was very high. I lost count after the first 20 people asked us “What is that game?” Incidentally, bocce ball is a very simple game where the object is to get your bocce ball which is the size of a softball with the consistency of a billiard ball closest to the small white ball which is the size of a golf ball with the same solid consistency. It is a fairly simple game and now I have officially arrived at the “Senior Center”. The game was indeed fun, but I was a bit overwhelmed with the attention. I doubt I will ever play this game again (at least here) but it was a great way to spend a beautiful afternoon.

The evening brought about the Saturday night Scrabble match between my roommate, our friend, and myself. At first, my roommate was uninterested in playing but after pleading with him and informing him after tonight I only have 2 more Saturday evening remaining, he acquiesced and we played. It was a hot and contested match between my friend and myself, but as usual my friend prevailed. It is amazing as how he always wins, but it truly is not about winning or losing as much as it is about the laughter. We have a great time and those 2 hours pass so quickly. Hopefully, we will continue this tradition for the next two Saturday evenings. It was a very lovely day all around filled truly with fun and games!

Happy Birthday "Big Man"

Today is an exciting day for my family as my son turns 7 years old. It certainly does seem like yesterday that my wife was giving birth to him in the Las Vegas hospital. We had a head start a few months before hand as the ultra sound received showed that it would be a boy. I have heard stories about the fallibility of the ultra sounds, but they were right on for both my son and daughter. He didn’t waste any time entering this world as my wife delivered him 5 hours after entering the hospital. Compare this to the 24-hour ordeal my wife faced three years earlier when she delivered my daughter. It is funny how things turn out because my son is as easygoing as a 7 year old boy can be and rarely gives my wife difficulty. On the other hand, my daughter and wife have had their issues over the years and I believe it was no coincidence my son arrived without difficulty and my daughter was the opposite case. Anyhow my “big man” as I have aptly nicknamed him turns 7 and for the second consecutive year, I won’t be able to be there with him as he celebrates. This did bother me, but when I saw my children back in July for the first time in a year, none of it mattered to them and me as well. What mattered was we were all together and what will matter is we will all be together very shortly.

My son is a precious child and at times a very special person. I have fond memories of him climbing into bed with my wife and me during the early morning hours. He always had a smile on his face when he came into our bedroom even though he was half asleep. He would place himself between the two of us and within minutes he would be back asleep. I would just watch him and even as he slept he seemed to ooze happiness. He does light up a room whenever he enters and is just so loveable in so many ways. As I write this, I have his Christmas picture attached to the desk and in the picture he doesn’t have his natural smile, but I can still see the aura of happiness. My son for the most part does go with the flow and seems unaffected by having to move across the country for the past 19 months.

He was a bigger than average baby weighing in at 8 pounds – 9 ounces and 20 inches long. He was solid at birth and 7 years later he is still solid. He has been nicknamed “Hoover’ by his aunts and uncles because like the vacuum of the same name he seems to devour everything he puts in his mouth. I will need more jobs than just one to keep his appetite satisfied and it is a good thing my daughter doesn’t eat much because my son would eat everything given the opportunity. He is sweet, gentle, and sensitive; and I love him so much. I miss him everyday, but on days like today, I miss him even more if that is all possible. I will be able to see him very soon and I cannot wait. I have missed the 19 months of his life which given his age is a good percentage of his life. However, as long as I continue the successful path of the past 3 years, I will be able to fill-in the gaps. I believe this will happen and as has been the case, my life continues to get better with each day.

The day was the usual and now I maybe a bit on auto pilot as I finished cleaning the bathrooms almost the same time I would finish when there were the two of us working. I discovered an accelerated method which gave me more time to do the “Harvard Wall”.

The day was moving along, but I must have contracted whatever my roommate had because my head was all stuffy and my nose runny. These colds are annoying and I thought I had built up a resistance, but it appears not to be the case. I have had three colds in the last three months and all of them have started the same way in my sinuses. The fortunate part is the colds haven’t lasted very long with the longest cold staying three days with me. Other then the area above my nose I feel great and other then having a leaky nose, I would be fine. Oh well, I tried my best to take a nap this afternoon after taking one of those cold medicines. The medicine seemed to dry up my nose for about 15 minutes. I guess this is why the package reads “should last UP TO 4 hours.” It appears 15 minutes falls into this category. I wasn’t successful taking a nap because the tiniest of sounds seem to rouse me from my sleep. I would call it rest – not sleep – for an hour this afternoon.

Then I went with my roommate to play ping pong. I was in a bit of a funk for the first two games, but came up with my own brand of “aerobic” ping pong. The key is to keep your feet moving all through the game and we laughed for the next 30 minutes. We do find that whatever the two of us are doing, we are always laughing. This is so amazing how we found each other and here is a little secret the two of us share; in a prison system where the majority of inmates are here for drug offenses, neither my roommate nor I have ever had or even tried an illegal drug of any type. This certainly does not make us better than anyone else. I am just trying to illustrate how it was certainly fate that the two of us found one another. I am no longer into “odds” (thank God) but the odds are fairly astronomical that two people in this prison system who have never had the inclination to try drugs are now roommates.

The aerobic ping-pong match was over and it was time to call my family so could whish my son a happy birthday. I was able to get through which is always good. I did speak with him and wished him a Happy Birthday. He wasn’t feeling very well earlier in the day as he was running a 102 degree fever so he stayed home from school. He sounded like his usual self on the telephone – he is extremely resilient. I spent much of the time listening to him recant the Giants victory this past Sunday. His uncles are doing a great job with him because he recited the winning play without flaw. I was very impressed the way he recalled that play. It was great to speak with him and I am sure he was having a wonderful birthday.

Before I spoke with my son I did speak with my wife. She gave me some very bad news regarding my son’s first grade teacher. This past Sunday, his teacher suffered a choking incident and after her husband dislodged the particle, she fell into a coma. The details seem sketchy and she took a turn for the worst and passed away this week. My wife had just returned from the wake. Make no mistake, life is precious in every way and all anyone has is right now. The future is not guaranteed to anyone which is why the principles of the GA Program and even the “Tao” states to live one day at a time. This is such an unfortunate example of how fleeting life can be. Life is a gift and each day is a blessing. My thoughts and prayers go out to her family. I don’t know how this was conveyed to the group of first graders and I am somewhat curious to hear how the administrators approached this. I didn’t have time to ask my wife if she had said anything to our son. As I mentioned before children especially a group of 7 year olds are very resilient. I’m not sure if they are fully aware of the consequences that death brings on which can be a positive. Somewhere along the way we all lose the innocence of children which cam make life more difficult. When I think of my 7 year old son, I think of unrequited happiness. I can see him handling this tragedy very well and life will go on. I don’t want to make light of this because when anyone dies it is terrible and when it is unexpected the sadness seems to deepen. However, in every instance for those affected and even those unaffected life does go on. This brings up the full meaning of recovery and life which is to enjoy each day and of itself because this is all any of us have.

I was also able to speak with my daughter briefly and as we were speaking, she started to sob somewhat uncontrollably. I couldn’t seem to get her attention as she continued to cry. At first I thought she was sad for her brother’s teacher because my soon to be 10 year old daughter is very sensitive. Then I came to find out from my wife that my son had poked? or pinched? (not sure) My daughter does have a tendency to exaggerate certain consequences and I think this is what happened as we talked. It still doesn’t condone my son’s behavior and my wife did give him a talking to. I felt unabashedly powerless when my daughter was crying and I felt anger arise inside of me for the first time in a long time. I am very anxious to be a full-time father and hearing all of this left me wanting to be there with them. Yes, patience is a virtue and in a few months this too shall pass and we will be all back together as a family.

In the Two's

As this morning arrived, I realized I now have only two more Thursdays remaining before my release. I have started to think more about life on the outside as I get closer to my release date. More precisely, I have “allowed” myself to think about life on the outside. It has been a long time since I thought about this which has been by design. I am focused on living one day at a time which has helped tremendously get me this far. In living one day at a time I have prohibited myself from thinking about living in the outside world, this is up until recently. I have always thought about being with my family without fail. Thankfully, I will see my wife as she will pick me up on my release day. I am now focusing on seeing my son and daughter in April at my daughter’s communion. I am hoping to go out there for one week, hopefully, encompassing two weekends for my daughter’s communion at the end of April. It would be nice to be able to go back with my wife but after meeting with the parole agent who visited the camp, I’m not sure if this is realistic.

I am digressing a little so let me circle back to my original thought which was visualizing back in society. I will be returning to the same area I departed some 19 months ago. I won’t be going back to the home where we lived for almost 5 years because that was sole. I am very fortunate to have amazing friends and I will be staying with them for awhile. I certainly don’t want to overstay my welcome so I will see how this goes. I have visualized myself going back to the same gym I used to go to and the same grocery store – most notably Trader Joe’s. I see myself walking in the store and nothing has changed over the past 19 months. I also see myself walking into the gym and likewise nothing has changed. The critical component in all of this is me as I have changed and I must be cognizant of not falling back into the same old routine. I can see this happening certainly not right away as I won’t be settled until my family returns. I am very much looking forward to their return but in the meantime, I will get on my feet also my recovery is tantamount to my survival. I do have plans for my recovery which most certainly centers on the fabulous GA meeting I joined 3 years ago.

Yes, I am very excited to rejoin society and my mind does drift to life on the outside. I suspect it will be this way while I am driving down the road with my wife. Quite frankly, the release seems real but it won’t be really real until that day. I have purposely not thought about the outside world recently because I just wanted to get through this journey which is concluding shortly.

Since I didn’t receive any mail last night, I really have nothing new to report. With less than 3 weeks remaining, I surmise my mail delivery will lessen considerably and I have written my last letters to both my sister and father. I am not sure if there would be any mail forwarding to me and if I had to guess, I would say this is something the system does not do. This is why in my letters to my sister and father – I wrote there is no need to respond and I will be able to actually speak with soon. I have been fortunate to speak with my sister on a handful of occasions over these past 19 months. I have not been fortunate with my father as the last time I spoke with him was over 19 months ago. Thankfully, we have corresponded through letters and that communication has gotten so much better over these months.

Once again, I must reiterate that I cannot control what others think about me nor is it any of my business. However, when it comes to someone I have known all my life and was responsible for binging me into this world, it is difficult knowing the pain I have caused him. I can’t change the past nor can I change anyone’s views of me. All I can do is stay true to recovery which has profoundly altered the existence of my life in such a positive manner.

Pondering Unconditional Love

The highlight of my day yesterday came when I telephone my mother, and we talked for that lightning fast period of 15 minutes. Normally, I call my mother on the weekend, but this weekend I was remiss. I was scheduled to telephone her on Monday night, but the meeting with the parole agent conflicted with my scheduled telephone call. I was very fortunate to be able to call last night. It is always wonderful speaking with my mother, and now I have only three more of the exorbitant collect telephone calls remaining. It most assuredly was the highlight of my day.

Prior to the telephone call, I received a letter which caused me to ponder the meaning and existence of unconditional love. I have never really given this much thought until the events of the last three years happened. I have a much better understanding of what unconditional love means and how I have become incredibly affected by this. The definition of unconditional love is fairly simple; to show love without condition. However, in practice, it gets a little more complicated, or does it? I have unconditional love for my wife, children, and other family members along with some very dear friends. I have received an abundance of unconditional love from a variety of people not limited to family or friends. I have been, and continue to be, blessed with this love each day. On the flip side, I have been made aware of conditional love from a variety of people not limited to family or friends. I am very grateful that the number of people who have given me unconditional love far outnumbers the people who exhibit conditional love. It is not in my nature to avenge those people who seem to display conditional love to me, which is why I love without condition. We are all God’s creatures (if I may?) and are made up of goodness through and through. The human part of this experience makes each one of us fallible while the spirit in each of us makes us infallible. I choose to focus on the spirit, not the human conditions. It is a shame how some people put conditions on their love, and I believe these people are missing the big picture.

All through this journey, I have received so much support and love. Yes, most of this has been of the unconditional variety. I continue to learn valuable lessons, and unconditional love is certainly one of them. The unconditional love in my life has always been there, and it took this journey to finally understand. There will always be people who display conditional love, and for me, that quote I keep on learning, “What you think of me is none of my business,” is appropriate. I am so grateful for this journey as it truly is a bright new awakening.

I have had a great deal of time to think/ponder in these past 19 months, and I often thought how I would react if my son or daughter faced something similar. I think my first reaction would be of their wellbeing, and I would be there every step of the way. There have been some rather heinous crimes committed by sociopathic people, yet it seems their mothers stand by them to the end. This is unconditional love to the nth degree. I often found myself wondering how anyone could stand by someone so gruesome, but it all goes back to unconditional love. Often in life, society sets conditions on just about everything, and I can see it in the advertising of just about everything. You need to “fill in the blank” to be happy, which is a condition on happiness, and it is sad. I fell prey to the “whatever” you need, and the truth of the matter is I don’t need those material things to be happy because I choose to “be.” I can look out my window and stare at the hill with nature at work. As I look, I can’t help but smile. I once put so many conditions on myself that it led to disaster. As long as I can “be,” I am happy, and this is all part of recovery. Everything and every person have a place in this world, and it would only be my “ego” that would place conditions on anyone or anything. I am at peace with myself.

Today being Wednesday marked “hump day” of the week, and it was just like the two previous days. I was back outside for the early morning workout with my roommate. The area of my back feels very good, and although I was never really in any pain or discomfort, that feeling has subsided considerably. The issue occurred on Saturday where I was doing an exercise I have done 1,000 times before. I guess the area in my back was slightly out of line, causing the sensation. I did take off two consecutive days which seemed to help. I will take this as a sign, and I was able to listen. The rest of the day was the usual, and I even went for a fast run at lunchtime. One of the other inmates who is in extraordinarily good shape used me as a pacer as we ran. This inmate is 10 years younger than me, and we ran very fast for 10 laps. He thanked me for going at the quick pace and stopped. I kept going for a few more laps, and this session felt excellent. I haven’t had someone push me like this in a long time. I really accelerated my heart rate and got a great sweat. It was a great way to pass the lunch hour.

Parole Agent Came To Camp

There are so many decidedly real advantages to being at this camp as opposed to being at a “real prison.” One of these appeared last night as a parole agent came to camp to speak with anyone interested. My roommate and I were interested, and so were 10 other inmates. The parole agent held a 90-minute Q&A session which was very informative and eye-opening to me. I sat back most of the time listening and observing. I am being released in three weeks, which ends this part of the journey, but I will be on parole most likely 13 months. Prior to coming to prison, I was introduced to a person who served five years in the California Prison System, and when we met, he was just completing parole. He did give me the “lowdown” on the prison system which certainly helped to alleviate many of my concerns. He also filled me in on the parole system. His case is eerily similar to my roommate’s case as he, too, was implicated and found guilty as part of a conspiracy. I am getting a little off point, so let me get back to the parole issue. This former roommate who was on parole said that parole was very uneventful when you do the “right thing.”

This is the message I heard last night, and I will continue to do the right thing because to me there is no other option. The parole system is not exactly geared to people like me and my roommate. We are the “square pegs” to the “round holes.” My roommate had many questions, and as the parole agent answered in the group discussion, these answers did not sit well with him. At one point, I patted him on the arm and said, “Don’t worry, it will be okay.” After the group discussion was over, we spoke with the agent on an individual basis. I gathered that each parole agent has a great deal of latitude/discretion, and each parolee is unique. The system does lend itself to grouping of the parolees because so many of them have alcohol and drug addictions. I do have a gambling addiction, but this is not easily addressed. My roommate has no addictions, which seems to complicate matters because it doesn’t fit nicely into the equation.

As I spoke with the parole agent, I raised the question about my job and if there would be and parole conditions that would prevent me from doing this job. The parole agent did mention that I should have received my conditions already since I only have three weeks to go. I haven’t received these conditions, which really isn’t surprising. Quite frankly, I don’t expect to see the conditions until I meet with the parole agent on the day of my release. There isn’t anything I can do about the conditions now as opposed to when I am released, so I have no concerns. It was a bit disconcerting to hear this parole agent say, “I may not be able to do the job I have been offered because of the nature of my crime.” The parole agent was speaking in general terms, and he is not my parole agent. My soon-to-be employer knows all about my past and is willing to hire me, which should say something. I do know that whatever is specified on my parole conditions I will abide by. For instance, if it says I cannot have a credit card, I won’t have a credit card. There are a whole list of possibilities, and I am not about to drive myself crazy thinking about these possibilities. In the words of that great philosopher, “It is what it is.” I will cross that bridge when I get there.

I did bring up the issue of being able to travel to New Jersey to see my family. The parole agent did inform me that going to New Jersey a few days after my release is not something he allows his parolees to do as he typically likes to evaluate them for 30 to 60 days upon their release,. Again, this determination is made by the parole agent on a case-by-case basis. He did say that he would most definitely allow me to attend my daughter’s First Communion at the end of April as it is beyond that 30- to 60-day period. I do know everything will continue to work out for the best, and I will have answers to these questions very shortly.

The meeting was, indeed, informative, and it appears (according to the parole agent) that the 6-month parole issue has been dropped. There had been talk about reducing parole for nonviolent offenders (which is me); however, any discussion on this has stopped. As it appears, as long as I can continue to do the “right thing,” I will be off parole in 13 months. Oh yes, the “right thing” I will do, and any question I may have, you can better believe I will call my parole agent and ask. My goal when I came into prison was to be a “model” inmate, and for the most part, this has worked out that way. Now as I approach parole, I intend to be the “model” parolee. The days of my taking shortcuts are long gone all thanks to recovery.

After the meeting, my roommate and I returned to our room where we discussed the meeting. My roommate paroles on September 1st and does have a lot of unknowns. I feel for him so much. He has the right attitude, and I do believe things will come together as the time approaches. I am very blessed to be able to go right into a job, have a place to live, and also to have a car. All of this has been made possible by my very dear friends. Life continues to get better with each passing day, and I know things will work out for my roommate.

Earlier in the evening, I received three pieces of mail. One was a “Congratulations” card from a very dear friend, and the caption read, “You have a lot to celebrate.” I do have so much to celebrate in so many different aspects. The other two pieces were from my dear sister. One I was not allowed to mention as my sister pleaded for me not to mention it, so I won’t. The other was a very nice letter which is most likely my sister’s last letter. She touched on a subject I have been thinking a lot about, and as my sister can, she put it perfectly; to paraphrase, “What I did was wrong – what happened to my wife and kids as a result of what I did, stinks – but you can’t change it now.” Now, the critical sentence, “Feeling badly and letting things happen instead of asserting your (which is me) opinion won’t help in the long run.” My sister doesn’t want me feeling badly any longer, and she is right! I have been purposefully silent because of what I did, but at some point, I must get past this or I will go backwards. No matter what, I am who I am, and if people want to hold what I did over my head for the rest of my life, so be it. These aren’t the people I want in my life. The “magic eraser” doesn’t work, and I have to be true to myself. Enough said, and as always, thank you so much for the wisdom little sister!

Bedtime was much later than usual due to the parole agent meeting, so the early morning came quicker than usual. My back is feeling better, but this bed and pillow is not exactly conducive to good posture. The area seems aggravated when I sleep, most likely due to the non-orthopedic pillow and mattress. Anyhow, I was feeling up to working out this morning, so I rejoined my morning exercise routine with my roommate. I did take it easier than usual, and fortunately, the back felt very good all through the workout. It was good to be back after two days of taking off. From this point on, it was a very normal day. My cleaning abilities have gotten faster, most likely due to the fact I only have three weeks remaining, and I wanted to hike the hill before lunchtime. I was able to get in over an hour’s worth of hiking on the hill before lunchtime. It felt exceedingly good to bound up and down the hill. The afternoon was filled with writing.

Super Bowl XLII

Wow, what a game! In the history of the Super Bowl, there have only been a handful of games as exciting as the one which took place yesterday in Super Bowl XLII between the New York Giant and New England Patriots. Amazingly, my son’s favorite football game pulled out the improbable victory. I can hardly imagine what my brother-in-laws were going through yesterday during the game agonizing with each play. I most certainly thought of my son all game long, and I was very happy to think he was watching the game with long (very excited as well) family members. I also thought about an old friend who was a “gambling buddy” a number of years ago. This old friend has always been a die-hard New York Giants’ fan. The Giants appeared in Super Bowl XXV back in 1991, and this was at the height of my second journey into compulsive gambling. The Giants were a decided underdog to the Buffalo Bills, and back then we were gambling on any and all games; however, when it came to the Super Bowl, we could “only” wager $50 on the Giants because my friend got enough of a rush watching the Giants perform at the Super Bowl, and the miniscule $50 wager was due to the fact we had to have “something on the game.” I say miniscule $50 because at that time our regular wagers were between $300 and $500, so the $50 wager was nothing. The more I look back on my previous gambling behavior the more I become confounded at my sick and twisted logic. Oh, by the way, the Giants did win that Super Bowl also in a stunning upset, and I am sure we gambled away the $50 win the very next day!

I’m not sure why, but all during the game, I was being nostalgic maybe due to the fact I can specifically recall where I was for all three of the previous Super Bowl appearances by the Giants. The first one was Super Bowl XXI. (Please don’t consider me Romanesque remembering the exact numerals of the Super Bowl as I remarked the Super Bowl and I are the same age, which makes it easier). I remember watching that Super Bowl in my college apartment at the University of Maryland in a driving snowstorm, but I made it in time to watch the game. The aforementioned Super Bowl XXV I watched in my grandmother’s basement which also functioned as my grandmother’s basement. I watched this with the old friend and gambling buddy. The Giants didn’t return to the Super Bowl until 2001 for Super Bowl XXXV, and I watched that game at my good friend’s house. This is the same good friend who came to visit me this past Saturday. Completing the New York Giants’ Super Bowl appearances was yesterday as I watched in the camp’s television room with 60 or 70 other inmates. I certainly won’t forget this Super Bowl for a number of reasons.

It was a stellar performance by the New York Giants’ defense who stuffed the favored New England Patriots’ offense. I kept waiting for the Patriots to take control of the game, but that never materialized. Even when the Patriots took the lead with less than three minutes remaining in the game, I had a strong suspicion the Giants would prevail. I turned to the person next to me who was lamenting the fact that he believed the Patriots would win. I said to him that the game was not over and that Eli Manning (the Giants’ quarterback) could win the game. Eli did lead the Giants down the field for the victory in the waning moments. I was very impressed with them, and the Patriots’ remarkable season was all for naught.

The game was very fast paced, and even for a defensive struggle, it was very intriguing. Most of the commercials were good. The usual suspects; such as Pepsi, Coke, and Anheuser Busch, had good commercials, but my favorite was the dancing lizards with Naomi Campbell promoting Sobe Lifewater. The halftime show by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers was excellent as he played four songs, all of which were among my favorites. The camp ran a great program yesterday because dinner (pizza and wings) was served before the game, and banana splits were given out at halftime. I saved my pizza for after the game, and I ate only the bananas out of the banana split. They were frozen as the banana splits were premade, and everything was frozen until it was time to pass them out. I enjoyed the frozen banana and thought it was a nice treat. Everything was well done, and although I would have much preferred to watch the game with my family, under the circumstances, it wasn’t a bad way to spend Super Bowl Sunday in prison.

The positive aspect about watching these events on the west coast is the game is over at 7:00 p.m.; whereas, on the east coast this translates to 10:00 p.m. I do wonder if my son made it through the whole game, and if he did, was he able to get up for school today? The game was over, and I must say, in a room of almost 70 people, at the beginning of the game only a handful of people were rooting for the Giants, but by the end of the game, it seemed like everyone was rooting for them. I guess everybody likes a winner. I was rooting for the Giants from the very beginning, but my expectations were low. As the game continued, I did think they had a legitimate opportunity to win. I was very excited for Eli Manning who has had a difficult four years in the New York press. He silenced (at least for now) all of those critics with his performance yesterday. He does come from a football family with his brother, Peyton, winning the Super Bowl last year, and his father, Archie, a member of the Football Hall of Fame. I have read a few articles on the family, and from what I can surmise, they seem like good people. Tom Brady, New England’s quarterback, has three Super Bowl victories, a super model girlfriend, not to mention a very handsome man, so it was very good to see the mild-mannered Eli Manning outperform him.

Yes, it was a very good day yesterday, and I returned to my room after the game to eat my pizza. My roommate is not a football fan, so he was very content with staying in the room reading and listening to music. The room was very peaceful during the game as everyone seemed to be in the television room. I recounted the game for my roommate in a few minutes, and then I read the newspaper. My roommate fell asleep very early, and I found myself drifting off to sleep. I did officially fall asleep, and I was mindful of my upper back. I was toying with the idea of working out this morning, but I could still feel some discomfort in the area, so I remained in bed while my roommate went outside. It is getting better, and I don’t want to re-aggravate anything, so staying in bed was the prescription for today. At this point, it was time to start my work week, and after this week, I only two more to go! It does seem like an endless loop, but in a little over three weeks, the loop will end.

I started today just like any other work week cleaning the bathrooms. I finished at my normal time and decided to do some core/Ab exercises. I got about 20 minutes into the workout session and had to cut it short. Everyone was summoned for one of the random drug tests. This was my first random drug test was a condition of the family visit. I drank enough water so by the time it was my turn, I had no problem “going.” Obviously, I will submit to these drug tests all day long as I have nothing to hide, and it did seem everyone else shared my same philosophy which I thought was good. It was a minor inconvenience to cut my workout short, but I took this as a sign I shouldn’t be working out today and went about the rest of my day without incident.

Still Sore

It wasn’t the most comfortable sleep I have had last night. I have come to realize I sleep best on my side and when I don’t sleep on my side, I sleep on my back which causes me to snore. I rarely sleep on my stomach and with the pulled or pinched nerve in my upper back this may have been the best way to go. Instead I slept on my side trying to figure out which side took the most pressure off the upper left side of my back. Oddly enough laying flat on my back caused the most discomfort as I could certainly feel something as I moved my neck. I settled on the right side then on the left side – each side seemed to take away some of the discomfort, but the soreness was indeed noticeable. It was more noticeable than any other time during the day. The time arrived for my normal exercise time and I never entertained the idea of exercising. I remained in bed and out of a courtesy to my roommate, he also remained in his bed foregoing the normal workout.

This feeling in my upper back is strange because it feels sorer than anything else. I wouldn’t deem this feeling as pain as it is more of a soreness. I obviously did something during that exercise and need to do my best not to aggravate the condition. The hot shower seemed to work well, but the water temperature is automatically regulated and I would have liked it if the water was hotter. In only 23 days, I will be able to regulate the temperature of hot water so for now I understand my situation. I was preparing for a visit from some more dear friends. The weather was very much like last Sunday as the rain was falling down. It appears Southern California is returning to a normal rainy season as the drought conditions lessen. Since it was raining all the visits were moved to the dining hall which was a positive. I was so cold yesterday I thought having the visits in the dining hall would have been a better idea.


Beautiful Dear Friends

The weather did delay my dear friends, but only for a few minutes. These are the same friends who visited me over a year ago in Jamestown and today would be their last joint visit. This was a positive prospect because the next time I will see them will most likely be at the GA birthday celebration for two friends and myself on March 15th. The date keeps getting moved up and I think has settled on the 15th of March. Yes, it has been a long strange road which is quickly coming to a close. These visits have meant the world to me and today was incredible. Of course, they came well stocked with food as today’s theme was Super Bowl food. I loved the concept of my dear friend’s idea of Super Bowl food which was smoked salmon, blue tortilla chips, salsa, dip, peanuts, hot cocoa, and the special diet Hansen’s sodas. We greeted each other with warm hugs and kisses. We were joined by my roommate which was very nice. My dear friends were impressed with his gregarious personality. My roommate and I thoroughly enjoyed the smoked salmon and we had a lovely conversation. All the facets of my world were coming together during this visit as my roommate (who has been a blessing to me) spent time with my dear friends and me (who have also been a blessing to me). It was a magnificent morning as the time passed so quickly. I am very fortunate for all the people in my life and I am also so grateful.

Earlier today I was telling my roommate how these dear friends visited me in Jamestown and he asked me how I met them. I explained it was through GA and he said, “I need to join a 12 step program.” Yes, he meant this in a joking way, but the truth is the GA Program is a Godsend in my life as these two dear friends are also Godsends. As they walked out, I had a big smile and a warm feeling all across my being. I continue to be touched by these fantastic people. Mere words don’t do these incredible people justice. I am in awe of them. The visit ended and it was time to wait for Super Bowl XLII. The Super Bowl and I are always the same age and thanks to the genius marketing ability of the NFL, I always know my age in Roman Numerals!


Amateur Hour

I was informed over 20 years ago by a therapist that no matter how long I abstain from gambling the old pangs/urges would reappear on days such as the Super Bowl. I remember that conversation like it was yesterday. Of course, I remember little else of that session as I went back to gambling a few years later. I am more cognizant of this then ever before. However, even in my gambling days I treated the Super Bowl as amateur hour. It wasn’t the Super Bowl where I would place the majority of my wagers on – it was the seemingly insignificant college basketball game between Santa Clara and St Mary’s that I would focus on. I did (in my sick twisted mind) to “professionalize” my gambling and the Super Bowl provided “no value” to wagering. This didn’t stop me from wagering on the game and I would rationalize it as recreational gambling. The simple fact is gambling in my life has caused so much harm and I cannot be a “recreational” or a “professional” user. It has taken me a long time to learn this and I remind myself daily. I will watch the Super Bowl as a fan of both teams. My son is back in NJ rooting for the NY Giants with his uncles. I am hoping for a competitive game and viewing it solely from an entertainment prospective. I will also keep my eye on the commercials. This is my last Super Bowl of my incarceration and I look forward to sharing many more with my family. This is only possible if I adhere to the principles of my recovery. I have found a beautiful new life without gambling and will live this life one day at a time. I am fortunate to have only spent two Super Bowls “inside” and for this I am very fortunate.

Ouch!

It was time to arise for my daily workout with my roommate – friend – workout partner – he really is a friend first and foremost. I got out of bed quickly and dressed – tapped on my roommate’s bed and amazingly he responds by groggily making himself get out of bed. He then - half asleep – walks down the hall to the bathroom with his eyes half-opened and half-closed. It is quite a comical sight to say the least. He manages to drag himself outside and usually greets everyone with a “good morning.” Also depending on the song playing on the radio, he sometimes is inclined to “bust a move” which again is quite comical. This morning’s workout was concentrating on the chest area and is one of my favorite workouts. I so look forward to these as they are most times the highlight of my day. Today was no exception and I was progressing through the workout. The fourth group of exercises we do are decline bench presses with dumbbells. I was moving along nicely, but somewhere in the middle of my third set as I was pressing the dumbbells forward, I felt a searing pain in my upper back which caused me to immediately let go of the rather heavy dumbbells and proclaim, “OUCH!” I remained lying on the bench with the very sharp pain in my upper back. Another person working out at the same time witnessed this and immediately told me get up while he would help me. Fortunately, my roommate has a level head and took control of the situation. He told me to stay down until I was ready to get up. I took a minute to collect myself and with the help of my roommate and the other person, I got up from the bench.

The pain in my back was as if someone severely pinched the area around my left shoulder blade. It is not a debilitating injury because I have full range of motion in that area. It just feels very sore. I stretched out after getting off the bench and my roommate told me I was done for the day. I reluctantly took his advice and went inside to ice down the area which felt very good and the pain slowly subsided. I felt much better after the hot shower and was even considering running. I quickly talked myself out of this because with 24 days remaining, the last thing I need is an injury which would cause me to be moved back to Jamestown. I am paroling from here on February 27th so missing a run or more runs is okay. I have a tendency of getting caught up in my exercise routine a little too much. I have been very fortunate to have had minimal injuries. I have thrown my lower back out twice and had a problem with my knee. All of those problems were temporary and rest was part of the remedy. The positive aspect is that whatever happened (pinched nerve, muscle or tendon) it has happened on the upper part of my back as opposed to the lower part. There is discomfort but at least I can move around. I’m sure my roommate will monitor my progress as he has unequivocally told me I will not be working out tomorrow. He is correct and now more than ever my body is telling me to rest. It won’t be easy but I will listen.


A Surprise Visit

I iced down my back followed by a hot shower and for a moment any discomfort vanished. I was entertaining the idea of a power walk, but some discomfort reappeared and I thought I would just take it easy all day. I went over to the library and selected two books; one by John Grisham THE LAST JUROR and the other by Brad Metzler ZERO GAME. I have read many Grisham books but somehow I missed this one. The first few chapters moved along slowly so I stopped reading and began writing. AS I was writing I heard my name announced over the loudspeaker informing me I had a visit. I wasn’t expecting one so I wasn’t “visit ready”. I dressed warmly and headed down to the visiting area. As I walked down, I noticed my good friend’s car resting in the parking area. This is the same good friend who attempted to come two weeks ago but got derailed by tire issues. In his letter, he stated that he would attempt to comeback and apparently today was the day.

The visiting area was quite crowded and the only table open was one without a fire pit. The skies were overcast and the temperature in the 40’s. The concrete picnic table accentuated the cold and my good friend who probably has thinner blood than I do pulled his hooded sweatshirt over his head which was underneath another jacket. We were both cold but I was warmed by the conversation. He once again brought the special submarine sandwiches from my favorite sandwich shop in Las Vegas. We spent the next 2 ½ hours talking. We were able to crowd in on an on-going fire pit for further warmth. He is truly an incredible friend because he made the 500 mile round trip voyage all today. He departed his house early this morning and returned after our wonderful visit. We even made some tentative plans for a golf outing soon after my release with a few of our other buddies. It will be interesting to pick up a golf club after an almost two year hiatus. Golf is supposedly a game of muscle memory and I wonder if my muscles suffer from memory loss! Yes, it was a great visit and I continue to be blessed with so many incredible people.

On a side note when we crowded in on the fire pit, we struck up a conversation with a fellow inmate who filled me in on “tax issues.” My friend and I were talking about my particular tax problems and this inmate overheard. Thankfully, he gave me some sage advice and any concerns I may have had have been eliminated. It is funny how life moves along and how solutions to issues are everywhere. It was a great day!


Telephone Call

After the visit I called my wife and after a brief disconnect, we were able to talk. My wife had recently received a long-term temporary job which will help to alleviate some of her financial concerns. We spoke about her coming out to pick me up on my release date and how our daughter’s first cheering competition is three days after my release. My wife was facing a slight dilemma because she wanted to stay out here with me for a few days after but also wanted to be in NJ for the cheering competition. This was not a dilemma to me because by all means my wife should return to NJ so she could attend the competition. Ideally I would love to surprise my daughter by also attending the competition. I don’t know if this is possible because I need permission to travel. This is why I asked my wife to call my parole officer to see if I could indeed travel back to NJ to be with our children. Hopefully, my wife calls this week and if all goes well I would be flying back with my wife. I also spoke with my son who was very excited about the Super Bowl and will be watching it with his uncles who are very big NY Giants fans. I didn’t speak with my daughter who was at cheering practice.

Serious Consequences

I had every intention to devote this passage to the fact that it is finally February and I can say, “I get out this month.” However I need to talk about a letter I received last night. This was from someone who has been directly affected with the serious consequences of a compulsive gambler. This was an 8 page letter written by someone who has been reading this blog over the past few months. This is the first letter I have received from a reader of the blog that I have never met before. This was a very heartfelt letter and was very complimentary towards my recovery. This person is a spouse of a compulsive gambler who has wreaked not only financial havoc but emotional havoc over the course of their marriage. I had to stop reading the letter in a few instances because the story was so sad. Unfortunately, this compulsive gambler is still in denial and is still gambling their life away.

I can’t precisely recall the statistic, but I believe compulsive gamblers directly affect the lives of six other people and in this letter the lives of three people have been severely damaged. Denial in this and I guess any addiction - look at two glaring examples – Amy Winehouse and Brittany Spears – addiction runs deep and the harm is horrendous. The story is heartbreaking. I fully intend on answering this letter with my experiences. I am not in a position to render advice to someone who has been directly affected by a compulsive gambler. I am the compulsive gambler who has directly affected others but thankfully I am in recovery. I know what has turned my life around which is stepping into that GA room almost 3 years ago. I continue to learn so much about myself and I realize each day is a learning experience.

There was so much anger in this letter towards the compulsive gambler spouse and I cannot blame the person for this anger. When one person takes away another’s way of life then anger will and does arise. Letting go and letting God is a key phrase I have learned over these past three years. In some cases, this is easier said then done. Also, especially in this case when one person has been so wronged by another person letting go and letting God is difficult. I am still blaming myself and I know I need to let go and let God. I believe I am afraid to do this because I feel I may slip back into my old ways. This is just a convenient excuse and as long as I adhere to the principles of recovery there will be no slip, and life will continue to improve. How can I possibly instruct someone to let go of the anger but really this is the only way (for me) to grow in a positive direction.

Dr. Wayne Dyer has been a huge influence in my life as his books put everything into perspective. Anger is a negative emotion and can only attract negative thoughts. At some point, life needs to move forward in a positive manner. I believe we are all created in kindness with kindness. As we move through this human experience (as I also believe we are all spiritual beings having a human experience) that kindness gets warped especially in cases of addiction. I am not inferring to just turn the other cheek because that really takes a special person like the Dalai Lama or Dr Dyer. However, turning the other cheek while moving forward in a positive manner can work wonders.

I know all of this has happened to me for a reason. I may not necessarily know the precise reason but I do know all of this continues to save my life. I was headed for the ultimate self-destruction had the events of the last three years not happened. I am grateful for the reawakening and look forward to the bright beautiful new beginning which commences later this month.

Compulsive gambling is sometimes a tragic addiction causing numerous consequences to not only the compulsive gambler, but also those closest to the compulsive gambler. I’m not a big bible quoting person so I can’t reach into scriptures for the appropriate lines. I do try to apply common sense to most situations and to me forgiveness comes to mind. I am well aware that I need work in the forgiveness field as it relates to myself. Just because I forgive myself doesn’t mean I will forget. I really screwed up, but amazingly everything continues to workout for the best. In a few weeks I will be released and embark on a beautiful journey. There are questions which remain unanswered such as will my wife and children rejoin me when the children complete school in June. I love my family with all my being and do want them with me as soon as possible. If for some reason this is not the plan then I must stay true to my recovery which means letting go and letting God. The script has been written well in advance and I will follow the directions. Life does happen when you are making plans and my life is truly wonderful.

I may have gotten a bit off track but the letter I received last night really hit home with me. Compulsive gambling is a baffling insidious disease which knows no bounds. Denial prevents recovery and in true recovery – life does get better. I believe everyone whether they have addictions or not can benefit from a recovery program and a spiritually based program. I tried for so long to control my addiction and for that matter – my life. It lead to an out of control life. I realize now there were some things I can control such as my thoughts and actions, wile there are so many other things I cannot control like the thoughts and actions of everyone else. I continue to be granted the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can. There is a quote which is posted adjacent to my bed “Wisdom is knowing I am nothing, love is knowing I am everything and between the two my life moves.” I am a blessed, grateful and fortunate person in anyway imaginable. Bad things do happen in life, but I prefer to focus on the good things which is why my life is wonderful.