In the Two's

As this morning arrived, I realized I now have only two more Thursdays remaining before my release. I have started to think more about life on the outside as I get closer to my release date. More precisely, I have “allowed” myself to think about life on the outside. It has been a long time since I thought about this which has been by design. I am focused on living one day at a time which has helped tremendously get me this far. In living one day at a time I have prohibited myself from thinking about living in the outside world, this is up until recently. I have always thought about being with my family without fail. Thankfully, I will see my wife as she will pick me up on my release day. I am now focusing on seeing my son and daughter in April at my daughter’s communion. I am hoping to go out there for one week, hopefully, encompassing two weekends for my daughter’s communion at the end of April. It would be nice to be able to go back with my wife but after meeting with the parole agent who visited the camp, I’m not sure if this is realistic.

I am digressing a little so let me circle back to my original thought which was visualizing back in society. I will be returning to the same area I departed some 19 months ago. I won’t be going back to the home where we lived for almost 5 years because that was sole. I am very fortunate to have amazing friends and I will be staying with them for awhile. I certainly don’t want to overstay my welcome so I will see how this goes. I have visualized myself going back to the same gym I used to go to and the same grocery store – most notably Trader Joe’s. I see myself walking in the store and nothing has changed over the past 19 months. I also see myself walking into the gym and likewise nothing has changed. The critical component in all of this is me as I have changed and I must be cognizant of not falling back into the same old routine. I can see this happening certainly not right away as I won’t be settled until my family returns. I am very much looking forward to their return but in the meantime, I will get on my feet also my recovery is tantamount to my survival. I do have plans for my recovery which most certainly centers on the fabulous GA meeting I joined 3 years ago.

Yes, I am very excited to rejoin society and my mind does drift to life on the outside. I suspect it will be this way while I am driving down the road with my wife. Quite frankly, the release seems real but it won’t be really real until that day. I have purposely not thought about the outside world recently because I just wanted to get through this journey which is concluding shortly.

Since I didn’t receive any mail last night, I really have nothing new to report. With less than 3 weeks remaining, I surmise my mail delivery will lessen considerably and I have written my last letters to both my sister and father. I am not sure if there would be any mail forwarding to me and if I had to guess, I would say this is something the system does not do. This is why in my letters to my sister and father – I wrote there is no need to respond and I will be able to actually speak with soon. I have been fortunate to speak with my sister on a handful of occasions over these past 19 months. I have not been fortunate with my father as the last time I spoke with him was over 19 months ago. Thankfully, we have corresponded through letters and that communication has gotten so much better over these months.

Once again, I must reiterate that I cannot control what others think about me nor is it any of my business. However, when it comes to someone I have known all my life and was responsible for binging me into this world, it is difficult knowing the pain I have caused him. I can’t change the past nor can I change anyone’s views of me. All I can do is stay true to recovery which has profoundly altered the existence of my life in such a positive manner.