Fear of Success

Why do I fear success? Each time I get close to achieving my goals I sabotage myself. I seemingly had it all; great family, nice house, great career, great job, respect and admiration from others. Yet I go and screw it all up by gambling away the great family, nice house, great career, great job, respect and admiration. Does it come from lack of self esteem? I have not really thought of myself as having low self esteem, however, there are some astute members of my immediate family that believe this. I am not an ultra confident person nor am I a confident person. I don't think of myself as a timid person. Where do I fit in? I do very well one on one, I don't do very well in large groups; however; I do well when speaking in front of large groups as long as I am confident with the topic. What does this mean? I need to look at my character defects and have them removed. I have to stop sabotaging myself and think of myself as a good person. The feedback I have received from most everyone in this trying time is Paul you are kind, giving, good person. The compulsiveness took over my life and ruined. I want to take back my life but it will not be easy. I have spent 20 plus years lying to myself and my family. This doesn't get repaired over night. It will be a long journey but I know I will make it and I will be the person I am supposed to be.