Understanding

Gaining an understanding of oneself is most times difficult. However; to gain true insight one must be open and honest. I have not been open and honest for many many years. The past 52 days have taught me to be open and honest with myself and others. I have to be open and honest with myself first then I can be open and honest with others. I have a long way to go to be completely honest because it has been 23 years of self deception and one does not change this over night. I like myself today much better than I liked myself 52 days ago. In fact I like myself today much better today than I liked myself 90 days ago when life seemed much simpler.

Please don't get me wrong I don't like what I did to myself and especially my family; however; I feel I am a much better person today than I was 3 months ago. I don't know if I will be able to ever figure out why I didn't stop when I was in the midst of my madness but the important thing is to NEVER go down that road again. Pitiful incomprehensible demoralization is where I was 52 days ago. Through the grace of God, my family, friends and GA this road has been tolerable. I know the road ahead is going to be very difficult but I have this wonderful support network that will guide me.

Today at GA we worked Step 4 (Made a searching and fearless moral and financial inventory of ourselves). We started with the moral inventory part. This is not easy because it requires openness and honesty. I always thought of gambling as a way to make money. Funny thing in 23 years of gambling I never made money but I continued. The true definition of insanity is doing the same task over and over again and expect a different result each time. I truly believe I was insane for the past 23 years because each time I would expect to win and most times I lost. On March 2nd I finally realized I was a compulsive gambler and in the 52 days following I am starting to realize how stupid I had become. Life is not over it is just beginning, everything happens for a reason, and when one window closes another one opens. All of these metaphors are true and I live for today.