Education

Please click on the above link it is very significant. Canada is a socialist country but in some ways is so far ahead of the United States and this is one of those ways. The U.S. is a democracy (one of the worst form of governments according to many historians and not my personal belief) and is based on MONEY. Everyone has the right to make money but somewhere along the line we have to concern ourselves with the welfare of our citizens. Without citizens there is no government and the ability to make money is diminished. Where am I going with this? Specifically, when money becomes the answer to all questions then where does the welfare of our society stand. If money can buy you out of all situations (please think about it; the wealthy have a substantial advantage over the poor in this country when it comes to the legal system) then when do we stop thinking about our consequences? I never thought about my consequences because I was consumed with making the next bet and I have been told that I am reasonably intelligent person. If reasonably intelligent people are consumed by this disease and there many out there then we (as a society) have an obligation to help them. I hope this makes some sense??

Yesterday my biggest decision was to take my son or daughter golfing with me. My four year old son and seven year old daughter kept asking me when we were going to play "big" golf where you ride in the cart. My friend called me up early yesterday asked if I wanted to take the children to play golf later in the afternoon. He was taking his 6 year old son and I thought about taking both my children; however; decided to only take my daughter because I have not spent a lot of "quality time" with her. We had a blast, she took her little clubs and hit the ball a few times and she was pretty good. However; her favorite was driving the golf cart. She had a hard time with the curbs but soon she was like an old pro. It is amazing how a child's mind works!! They find joy and happiness in places we quickly forget. During the round of golf I got to thinking about my situation and how I wouldn't be able to take my annual golf trip with the "boys" and I started the self pity party. However; after seeing the joy in my daughter's blue eyes I soon forgot about self pity. I didn't realize how good I had it 61 (yes, it has been 61 gamble free days) days ago, I took a lot for granted and now I am cherishing each moment because unfortunately the children have to grow up and those moments are gone forever.

Soul

I received this email earlier today and wanted to share it with everyone; "Money cannot fill an empty soul". Where in your life are you experiencing lack? Are you experiencing a lack of self esteem? Of humor? Of energy? Of love? Of money and abundance? Whatever you believe you are missing, it is there to be claimed. The first step starts with shifting your perspective. See the glass as half full rather than half empty. Focus on accepting what you DO have, and more will be attracted to you. "Both abundance and lack exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend... When we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present -- love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature and personal pursuits that bring us pleasure -- the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience Heaven on earth."

Although I consider myself a good father, husband, son, son in law, brother, uncle, and friend my soul has been lacking for quite sometime. I have been given an opportunity to regain my soul and look forward to the day my soul is filled with goodness. Little by little and day by day I am rebuilding my life. I think Dostoevsky said it, "that which does not KILL us makes us stronger". It is a tough road but I will make it and enjoy the journey.

I was thinking of going to GA tonight it is a step meeting and we are working Step #4 (taking a moral and financial inventory of ourselves). I went to this meeting last week for the first time and really enjoyed myself. I don't normally go on Thursday night but I was going to miss Saturday's meeting due to soccer commitments with the children and decided to attend Thursday's step meeting. Normally, the family watches Survivor (the kids love this show and it is the only time they are allowed to stay up until 9:00 pm on a school night) and I enjoy my time with the children. Last week we TIVO'd Survivor and watched it on Friday. This week I can make the Saturday meeting so I am thinking of skipping tonight's meeting. It would give me 5 meetings this week. I really want to return the balance in my life and something I have never done "everything in moderation". I will enjoy the children tonight while we watch Survivor. I love their reactions when they watch the show, those are priceless moments. I didn't realize how good I had it and took too many things for granted. I will not take those things for granted anymore.

Links

Here are some great links, please check them out:

http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/

http://www.aswexler.com/index.html

http://www.gamblinghelper.com/

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/CompulsiveGamblingCenterOnRecoveryEveryday/

http://www.lifewithoutgambling.blogspot.com/

http://www.gettingpastgambling.com/

http://www.istoppedgambling.com/

http://www.ncrg.org/research/institute.cfm

http://www.basisonline.org/wager/current.htm

http://www.ncpgambling.org/about_problem/about_problem_faq.asp

http://pdelvacchio.moretimenow.net/ir/Navigate.asp

Thoughts

I have made it a conscience effort not to post daily and that maybe a mistake. First let me explain why I do not want to post daily and it may seem silly. When I was gambling I did it every day for the past 5 years, I think I missed a total of 20 days in those 5 years. Think about; over 1,825 I missed 20 days, that is sick!! I didn't want my blog to become my new obsession. However; even though I attended 3 GA meetings in 3 days (Wednesday night is usually an off night for GA in my area) I was still feeling down because I had not posted yesterday. All of the crazy thoughts were entering my mind none that pertained to placing a wager. How could I do this to my family? How could I lose everything? How could I turn my family's life upside down? I seemingly had everything yet that wasn't enough. Please notice there are a lot of "I's", the self-pity. The fact of the matter is "I" did this to myself and everyone that surrounds me. I have noone to blame except for myself but I have to get over the blaming because it is not productive. Sometimes, the thoughts are overwhelming and having this blog, talking to people helps me greatly. I will try not to become obsessed with my blog but if something is troubling me I will make it a point to post something.

I received an email from a lady that went through a very similar situation and she is on the other side. She had a terrifying experience the other night when the phone rang at 2:00 am (an no it wasn't a drunken ex co-worker it was a real life experience). Her 23 year old son had been involved in a very bad accident and when she arrived at the seen she saw his car had been totaled but the driver's side seemed to remain untouched. Her son walked away with two hairline fractures in his neck. Someone was watching over him. My children are now 7 and 4 years old and I want to be there for them so I can't imagine what was going through this lady's mind after she put down the phone and drove to the accident. Gambling is so insignificant to real life, only bad things can happen if I gamble and I chose not to gamble.

Here are some random thoughts and some questions. One of the sad things about my situation is the advice from my attorney "Money buys your way out of a lot of problems" but what he forgot to mention or maybe does not know money doesn't fix the REAL problem. I don't know what the intention of the court, judge and district attorney but from my "subjective" point of view in order to fix the REAL problem it must be dealt with properly. In drug and alcohol cases there are treatment programs offered not in gambling cases. Compulsive gambling has the highest suicide rate of any addiction. Do you know why there are only 200 beds available to treat the 15 million compulsive gamblers in the United States? MONEY!!! That is there is no money to be made in the treatment of compulsive gamblers. Most of the time the compulsive gambler has lost everything so there is no money to pay for the treatment and insurance doesn't cover it. The only time insurance will cover it if the compulsive gambler has a drug or alcohol problem. I would venture to guess that 80% of white collar crimes are committed by compulsive gamblers. I am not sure when this country will wake up. Only a few states have a fully funded treatment program for compulsive gamblers and no Nevada and California are not one of those states. If you have a chance go into a local casino between the hours of 6:00 am and 10:00 am Monday through Friday and I would say 90% of those people are compulsive gamblers because why else would they be there (or maybe they enjoy the smoky conditions!!).

I will end with something that was sent to me and it should sum up the addiction of compulsive gambling: A 10 year old girl was ask these questions? What does a drug addict look like? That is easy; you can see the track marks on their arms. What does an alcoholic look like? That is easy you can smell the alcohol on their breath. What does a compulsive gambler look like? My grandmother!!!!


By the way if anyone is interested in seeing me in my half marathon here is a link and I am the one in the blue shirt number 3684 http://www.partypics.com/ver2/eventimages.aspx?orderno=26065327&bib=3684

Running

Yesterday I ran in the La Jolla Half Marathon (13.1 miles) for the second time. I first ran 2 years ago. My how so much has changed in 2 years. The run is a very picturesque yet difficult due to the hills. It starts out at Del Mar Racetrack and goes down the Pacific Coast Highway (great views of the Pacific Ocean) up the Torrey Pines Hill (you start out at sea level and climb 420 feet) by the Torrey Pines Golf Course and finish at the La Jolla cove right on the pacific Ocean with seals in the background. It is a very challenging yet serene run. I had a personal best time with 1 hour 37 minutes. In that hour and 37 minutes I didn't think of my current situation once and it felt good the hills on the other hand didn't feel so good! Running and excersing have always been prevalent in my life. I guess it is part of my obsessive nature but it is a good obsession. I need more good obessions and I need to rid myself of the bad obsessions. It has been 56 days since my last wager and it feels great.

Love

The fear of the unknown is ever present in my life. I have said this before and I will say it again; I can't change yesterday and I cannot predict tomorrow all I have is today and with this I choose to live one day at a time. Of course fear creeps into my thoughts but I must focus on the love I have received in this horrible time.

I read an amazing story this evening that is so similar to what I am currently going through. The story has a positive ending and I know my story will have a positive conclusion as well. Money can't buy peace of mind or happiness. I used to think it could but it just masks the underlying problems. Maybe it does take losing everything to finally realize love is all that matters. I am surrounded by love and did not know it. My wife, children, mother, father, sisters, in-laws, and friends. I screwed up a lot of people's lives and I apologize and say thank you for those that are helping me and my family through this trying time.

Control

Control is a funny thing. I can control myself but I cannot control others. I can control my eating and exercising habits but I couldn't control my gambling. Fourteen years ago I decided not to eat red meat and I haven't eaten any red meat in those 14 years and have no craving. Six years ago I decided not to eat any other meat with the exception of fish and in those 6 years I haven't had any and do not crave any. Why was gambling so different? I never set out and said let me stop gambling until my world came crashing down. Is there another receptor in the brain that controls our gambling? It has been 53 days since I last placed a wager and I still have no desire.

My life appears to be in a holding pattern but I must take control and seek my own positive destiny. I have been told numerous times to go out and get a job any job. I am very embarrassed by my actions and do not want to lie to any prospective employer. If I tell the truth I will have no chance at getting any job. I am supposed to have an interview next week, however, I haven't received a phone call back confirming the date and time, maybe they had second thoughts. I am pursuing work at home opportunities through the internet and really do wonder if people make a living this way. Fear is a negative emotion and I must channel this fear into success. Does any of this make sense?

Understanding

Gaining an understanding of oneself is most times difficult. However; to gain true insight one must be open and honest. I have not been open and honest for many many years. The past 52 days have taught me to be open and honest with myself and others. I have to be open and honest with myself first then I can be open and honest with others. I have a long way to go to be completely honest because it has been 23 years of self deception and one does not change this over night. I like myself today much better than I liked myself 52 days ago. In fact I like myself today much better today than I liked myself 90 days ago when life seemed much simpler.

Please don't get me wrong I don't like what I did to myself and especially my family; however; I feel I am a much better person today than I was 3 months ago. I don't know if I will be able to ever figure out why I didn't stop when I was in the midst of my madness but the important thing is to NEVER go down that road again. Pitiful incomprehensible demoralization is where I was 52 days ago. Through the grace of God, my family, friends and GA this road has been tolerable. I know the road ahead is going to be very difficult but I have this wonderful support network that will guide me.

Today at GA we worked Step 4 (Made a searching and fearless moral and financial inventory of ourselves). We started with the moral inventory part. This is not easy because it requires openness and honesty. I always thought of gambling as a way to make money. Funny thing in 23 years of gambling I never made money but I continued. The true definition of insanity is doing the same task over and over again and expect a different result each time. I truly believe I was insane for the past 23 years because each time I would expect to win and most times I lost. On March 2nd I finally realized I was a compulsive gambler and in the 52 days following I am starting to realize how stupid I had become. Life is not over it is just beginning, everything happens for a reason, and when one window closes another one opens. All of these metaphors are true and I live for today.

People

People can be extremely giving, caring and amazing. Also, people can be cold, unapproachable and horrible. Thank God I am surrounded by the positive because life would not be tolerable surrounded by more misery. My wife (Monica) is a WONDERFUL person and she truly sees the best in everyone. Maybe that is why she is so disappointed when people treat her coldly because of our situation. Every other Tuesday she would watch one of the Brownie mother's son with our son. Monica was told today that she will no longer have to watch this boy because the mother was not "comfortable" leaving him at our house. She was not told by the mother but another mother relayed the message. Monica was very disappointed. People are very different but they have the right to make their own descions and we must respect those decisions.

I received a very strange phone call last night at 11:30 pm. It was from the Director of Marketing at my previous employer. She so happens to be the girlfriend of my previous boss. She was drunk and decided to call me and ask me the why question. No words can undue the damage I have caused myself and my family but I tried as best I could to answer that question and a few others. She also went on to tell me that my former boss has been suspended for the past 5 weeks because of my actions. I was very surprised by this because I thought he was well liked by my former employer. However; when thinking more about the situation as a company owner, this step (suspending my former boss) had to be taken.

When someone does something like I did you (as the company) have to ask the question who was watching him. Then you must investigate to ensure no one else was involved, make the necessary control changes and move on. It appears the company has done this and my boss was cleared of any wrong doing; however; this woman kept saying that he was done and only had a few months before he would leave. I am not sure if this is true, like I said previously she was drunk and had very slurred speech with a great deal of emotion. I would be very surprised if my former boss resigned from his position. Additionally, my former employer finally hired a General Manager after 16 months of not having one and another ironic twist to the story he is the gentleman I referred last year.

Court Today

Nothing happened in court the matter got postponed until May 10th. My attorney had an unfortunate event (a good friend of his passed away) happen and he had to go out of town for the past few days. My attorney decided to postpone the matter so we could speak, I guess that is a good thing. My wife attended the court session with me and I was very lucky to be the third person called because there were at least 50 other people waiting for their cases. The courtroom was packed with people waiting to hear their cases. I don't know what is going on in the world but there is plenty of work for the attorneys.

After court we met with a reporter from the Los Angeles Times who is interested in my story. We spent 3 1/2 hours at Mimi's Cafe having breakfast and talking. We talked mostly about my gambling problem and even my wife commented that she was hearing things for the first time. It is a wonder how tricky my mind works, it can repress anything. For the better part of 23 years I gambled off and on secretly. In the later years I didn't want anyone to know, this was a horrible way to live, it was a fantasy life and was no fun. Win or lose I couldn't share it with anyone, it was all just wasted time and now I will suffer the consequences.

I cannot dwell on the past I must concentrate on today. Today I had a GA meeting and at the meeting was a new member. It is so nice to say I have 50 days without making a bet. I don't know what happened to me during my "share" but I was rambling on about how wonderful GA is. I think I was trying to "save" the new member and it came out very disjointed. What I wanted to say is; GA works if you work it but I went on and on. It is very simple; in life you get what you put in and in GA you get what you put in. Life is not easy, recovering from any addiction is not easy but we all want the easy way. If it were easy, there would be no addictions and we would live in a Utopian society. Let's face it; life is not fair but we either choose to live a happy life or a miserable life. I choose happy. Sorry for the ramble!!

Tomorrow

I know I am supposed to take life one day at a time; however; tomorrow I have a court appointment and it is very difficult not to look ahead. My mom has always said; "expect the worst but hope for the best". I am going to do exactly this because each of my previous court appearances have been horrible so why should this one be any different. Going to court makes me think of the pain I have caused my family through my destructive behavior. Having an addiction makes you do insane things and I did insane things. These insane things come with consequences and unfortunately others will suffer these consequences as well.

I have learned many things in the past month and half. I have learned that justice does not move swiftly. I have learned I have a WONDERFUL support network from my family to my friends to Gamblers Anonymous. In trying times you realize who your real friends are and I must point out two INCREDIBLE people. Not only did they help bail me out of prison they are here for my entire family. These folks are SAINTS. Also, to everyone thank you for their thoughts and prayers. I will get through this difficult time a much better person. I am a much better person now than I was 48 days ago. I love you all.

Fear of Success

Why do I fear success? Each time I get close to achieving my goals I sabotage myself. I seemingly had it all; great family, nice house, great career, great job, respect and admiration from others. Yet I go and screw it all up by gambling away the great family, nice house, great career, great job, respect and admiration. Does it come from lack of self esteem? I have not really thought of myself as having low self esteem, however, there are some astute members of my immediate family that believe this. I am not an ultra confident person nor am I a confident person. I don't think of myself as a timid person. Where do I fit in? I do very well one on one, I don't do very well in large groups; however; I do well when speaking in front of large groups as long as I am confident with the topic. What does this mean? I need to look at my character defects and have them removed. I have to stop sabotaging myself and think of myself as a good person. The feedback I have received from most everyone in this trying time is Paul you are kind, giving, good person. The compulsiveness took over my life and ruined. I want to take back my life but it will not be easy. I have spent 20 plus years lying to myself and my family. This doesn't get repaired over night. It will be a long journey but I know I will make it and I will be the person I am supposed to be.

Compulsive Gambler True Story

My name is Paul and I am compulsive gambler, it has been 40 days since my last bet. Forty days ago I didn't realize I was a compulsive gambler; however; when I was confronted by my employer for embezzling it finally "hit" me that I am and will always be a compulsive gambler. I am currently attending and will attend (for as long as I am "legally" allowed) Gamblers Anonymous meetings. I have lost a great career (incidentally in the Gaming business), I am in the process of losing everything that I have worked for with the exception of my wife and two children. My father hasn't spoken to me since this all occurred and my older sister will do anything to help my wife and children but she wants nothing to do with me and I can not blame her.

My wife, mother, step father, younger sister, mother-in-law and some very special friends have showed tremendous support and without this support I am not sure what I would have done. I have spent five days in jail and I am looking at some serious issues in my future. I cannot change the past and I cannot predict what will happen in the future I can only take things one day at a time.

If someone told me 27 years ago when I made my first wager that when you are 39 years old you will lose everything and be in place where there are no freedoms. I would have told them that they were crazy because I am an intelligent person and I can "control" my gambling. The fact of the matter is the gambling took over my life and ruined it and ruined the lives of my family. It is an insidious addiction, you do things that no rational person would do. You don't think of the consequences and I am here to tell anyone that will listen that there are serious consequences for all of my horrible actions.

I threw away a great life so I could always be in "action". Having worked in the Gaming Industry for 13 years I wouldn't dare go near a slot machine or a table game. My game of choice was sports betting because I knew (or I thought I knew) that sports betting had the lowest house percentage so I stood a chance to win. However; winning and losing became superfluous it only mattered whether I had action. Of course I lost a great deal more than I won so I had to fuel the addiction with money and addicts will do anything to get their fix and I did anything and everything to perpetuate my fantasy life. This all came to an end 40 days ago.

I have no desire to make a wager but I do understand that this is a disease and it will be with me all of my life. Gamblers Anonymous has helped a great deal and having a sponsor that went through a similar situation 14 years ago also helps. Right now there is a tunnel ahead and it is very dark but with the Grace of God, my family and my friends I will get through this. I keep thinking of my 7 year old daughter and 4 year old son and I want to see them grow up because I love them more than anything in the world.