Day Two Facilitator Training

As I arrived in front of the dormitory yesterday from the Facilitator Training I saw an inmate who is currently enrolled in the PFT class. He seemed concerned that I wasn’t at the PFT class that morning and asked where I went. I did explain about the Facilitator training. He didn’t seem too interested in what I had to say which was unfortunate because the pre-release program could be the most important program available in the California Prison system yet only 8,000 out of 200,000 parolees have taken advantage of this program. Those who have taken advantage of this program have certainly benefited while those who haven’t are missing something very beneficial. The conversation turned to the PFT class which ends tomorrow with the test. I did my best to motivate this student and as he departed he said, “See you later “O.G.”. I have outlined that O.G. means Old Guy. I have not been called this before and I was taken aback. This inmate cannot be much younger than me and I have known him since the reception center. In fact, he tried to workout with me at the reception center but quit halfway through the session because he could not go any further. I guess the “O.G.” comment was bound to happen since I am older than most other inmates. Hopefully, I can chalk this comment up to an isolated incident since I certainly don’t feel like an “Old Guy”! I must say I am in fairly good physical shape for an “O.G.”. However, I did look at myself in the mirror while I was in the restroom in the Education Department. This mirror and the lighting were much better than the mirror and lighting in the dorm’s bathroom. I did notice that my face has lines. Not really wrinkles but lines which are very noticeable. I have been exposed to the sun constantly for the past 3 months and do have good color but I guess the lines are more prominent. I am 41 years old which is not old but on the same token it is not young. No matter I do feel very good and are a few years from an official “O.G.” status.

Yesterday being day one of the Facilitator Class provided a nice break in the routine. I was exposed to a classroom setting and a very good member (the Coordinator) of the Education Department. I was feeling a little off because I only got to do the first 2 miles of the power walk and I sat behind a desk the rest of the day. This made my laundry very brief because I had to only concern myself with my underwear and it is always a positive when I can get away with washing fewer clothes. I was very hungry when I got back to the dorm since I did not eat any lunch so I did make a late PB & Banana sandwich. I really do enjoy these sandwiches and it is unfortunate because we only receive bananas once or twice a week. The bananas are a good alternative to the strawberry jam. Also, I was not going to the filet o fish dinner (yes, this entrée appears to be a weekly staple) so I had plenty of time to eat. Once again I enjoyed the 17 minutes of peace as my dorm mates went to dinner.

I had some writing to do before the evening yard opened. I finished my writing and made my last “ready to eat meal” of pasta with vegetables. This meal is actually very tasty for a “heat n serve” product. It is not very big and only contains 220 calories but it hit the spot a few hours after the PB & Banana sandwich. I did not want a repeat performance of Sunday night so I waited by the door for the unlock. My “friend” was waiting for me when the unlock was provided by the C/O. The air temperature was a little warmer than it has been so the quasi-power walk felt good. I also had purchased a telephone call for a package of dried beans but was provided with 3 soups as change in this transaction. The actual dollar amount of this transaction was 50 cents. I was going to call my wife earlier in the day but the Facilitator Training class nixed the scheduled telephone call which is why I purchased a telephone call in the evening. I was able to place and receive the telephone call to my wife. This telephone call was one of the more serious calls we have had in a while. Apparently one of the Federal Government Agencies is going to pay me a visit next month. Normally visits are positive and welcomed, however; this visit is not a personal one it is all business. I have no idea why they would visit me here since there is no way I can provide them with the documents they have requested. I am sure something will be worked out so they will not have to visit me. I have no problem sitting down and speaking with them but it appears to be a waste of their time. Last night when my wife and I were discussing this issue I did feel angry not at my wife but at the situation. I thought once I was sentenced back in July I could actually move forward. However; there are still some lingering issues which need to be resolved. The more I thought about this situation the better (yes, the better) I started to feel these events are entirely out of my concern and have to do with my behavior of over 2 years ago. There is no need for me to be angry, hurt or to feel sorry because it will only bring me down and hold me back. My recovery is all about moving forward in a positive direction which I am doing everyday. I am not going to worry about this pending visit and if it happens I will be more than willing to speak with whoever comes. I cannot erase those events which will continue to crop up and I must face then with my head held high and with dignity which is what I will do.

My wife and I also spoke about another serious subject and I must say my wife has been great during this entire situation and has kept any negative things from me. I have said I want to know both the good and bad, however; until last night I have only heard the good. My wife did share something with me and unfortunately there is little to nothing that I can do to address this problem while I am in here. I will do something but I am not sure how effective this will be but I do know this “problem” will work itself out over time. My term will be served and I will be able to with my family next year. We will be altogether and any negative which has occurred to that point will diminish. I am focused on my recovery which not only includes my compulsive gambling addiction; it also concerns how I view life. I know life is precious and I must make everyday count which I am currently doing and will continue to do one day at a time for a lifetime. The road maybe a bit rocky to start out but everything will be great because I finally know how to live a positive life.

The telephone call with my wife went as it always does very fast. We only spoke about 2 subjects and as I hung up the telephone I thought how blessed I am to have such an incredible person for a wife. Yes, I messed things up and she is holding everything together with all she has. My wife is doing a great job in the awful situation and I know everything will be fine. We still have another year to go until we can pick up the pieces together but for now my wife is doing great. I am eternally grateful for my wife.

After the telephone call I was able to secure a telephone sign up for Thursday evening in hopes of speaking to my mother. Then I went back to walking with my friend. We were able to get in 4 miles of walking so the day was not a total waste for me when it comes to exercising. It seems my “friend” and I seem to talk about the same things as we walk. However; last night I told him about the facilitator training and told him he should have filled out the application when we both got it last week. After all he was the one who introduced me to this opportunity and got me an application. Timing is certainly everything and over the course of the past 6 months my timing has been less that stellar. However; with the facilitator training it could not have worked out any better for me. I did inform my “friend” there would be another training class in 5 to 6 weeks and he gave me his application to hand deliver to the Coordinator. I did this earlier this morning so my “friend” will be in the next Facilitator Training Class. Also as we walked we did talk about the latest rumor regarding the prison overcrowding reform. I won’t bother writing about it since it would be a waste of time. However; we both feel something is going to happen in a few months which should be positive. Once again we had a great walk and talk. I realized he is the only inmate I talk to at length with any substance and I do look forward to the evening walks. The yard was closing and it was back to the dorm for a small bowl of oatmeal before I retired for the evening. I have not had the protein drinks since Saturday and needed to maintain my calorie count so I opted for the bowl of oatmeal even though it was 9:00 pm. The oatmeal hit the spot and I read until 10:00 pm before falling asleep.

Maybe it was the oatmeal but I did it again, I woke at 3:00 am wide awake and refreshed. I really thought it was time for me to get up and start the day so I was disappointed when my watch read 3:07 am. I did force myself to stay in my bunk but my mind started to drift. Fortunately my mind was focused on the positives in my life which are my family and incredible friends. I had some very positive self-talk at this early hour. Eventually I did drift off to sleep with a smile on my face. I stayed in bed until 5:30 am since there wasn’t any early breakfast. The Coach stated yesterday that it has been too cold at 7:00 am so we should start at 9:00 am. This meant I couldn’t get any of the PFT class in because the Facilitator Training started an hour earlier. This was just as well because I didn’t have to get changed out of my PFT uniform into my “blues” outside. I was able to stay in my “blues” and go to the training class. I did make one observation during this morning which was the farina looks and tastes like dirty dishwater. Amazingly this has not stopped me from eating it since it is the only item on the tray I could eat and I am all about the calories disregarding taste. Obviously the farina has become my least favorite hot cereal but does add calories to my stomach.

I made my way over to the Education Building in order to start Day Two of the facilitator training. As we went through the materials which are aptly titled “Living Free” and “Breaking Barriers” I realized all the information was very familiar. Everything we spoke about today I have learned and continue to learn from Gamblers Anonymous. I have been supplied with an incredible foundation through GA and it was re-enforced through today’s materials. I watched two more video tapes from the “Breaking Barriers” series. One of the speakers on the tape was Hyrum Smith who is a very dynamic speaker. The tape was shot at a prison in Oregon and Mr. Smith had an incredible presence as he spoke. One of the things he spoke about was called “the Franklin Reality Model” and in the model Mr. Smith offered his definition of addiction which is “compulsive behavior with short-term benefits and long-term destruction”. This certainly sums up addiction very well and although the topic was focused on drug addiction I was able to relate it to my compulsive gambling addiction very well. In fact our class had a very good conversation regarding addiction and this conversation seemed to awaken my senses. I realized how much I missed the GA meetings as we spoke. I was able to add my thoughts to this conversation and I felt very good as I did this.

The Facilitator is more than merely a Facilitator (if you will) for the pre-release program at the fire camps. The Facilitator is a conduit for what could be a life changing program and the facilitator must buy off on the program. From what I have seen over these past two days I am very impressed. I am very happy to be possibly associated with this program. I say “possibly” because even though I have completed the training program there is no guarantee I will be placed into a fire camp where I can be a facilitator. I will do everything in my power to become a facilitator once I get there because this program will make a difference in my life and lives of other inmates. I have been in recovery for almost 2 years and all these principles which I follow everyday are incorporated into this program. The best decision I have made in this bad situation was entering the rooms of Gamblers Anonymous. The GA Program continues to reap benefits in so many different ways and I will be forever grateful.

The Prison system in California has a very bad reputation with its high recidivism rate and overcrowding. However, the program I sat thought over the past two days is certainly a “diamond in the rough”. It doesn’t appear that the California Prison system has the resources available to roll this program out to all parolees. However; this is doing a disservice to the parolees. This program should be a mandatory part of a parolee’s release program. Sure some will be resistant but there will be others who will be very grateful for attending the sessions. I am different from the average inmate but the 11 other inmates in this training session were all impressed by the Program. I do believe this Program could be the start of something very positive in the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitations; and it could make the rehabilitations segment more important than the corrections segment. If the true purpose of prison is to reform the inmate this program is the way to go. The past two days were an eye opener for me and contained the most positive content I have seen in a very long time.