Silence

Yesterday Morning I had a telephone call scheduled and I was hoping to speak with my mother. I placed the call and unfortunately she wasn’t at home but much to my surprise my 84 year old grandmother answered. I spoke with her for almost all of the allotted 15 minutes. Apparently my mother left instructions because my mom knew I was going to call. My grandmother has had her share of physical ailments over the past few years but she sounded great as we spoke yesterday. Other than my wife, children, mother, and younger sister I have not spoken to any other family member in over 6 months until yesterday when I spoke with my grandmother. She properly relayed the information she was given and it was a very nice conversation. It was good to hear her voice and even though I didn’t get to speak with my mom I was very happy to speak with my grandmother. Life goes on outside of my four walls and it was great to hear such a good report about those events from my grandmother. I continue to count my blessings each and everyday and one of my blessings is having such a wonderful family – both immediate and extended. We also discussed my grandfather’s passing 30 years ago this weekend. Even though I was only 11 years old at the time I still remember those events vividly. My grandfather had a very vibrant personality and left a very big impact on me as a young boy. It is hard to believe that 30 years has passed which gives me greater perspective for the short time I have remaining on my sentence. Time continues to move forward and my time away from my family will pass soon enough and I know as long as I continue doing the things which I have done over the almost past 2 years, I will be a better person when I rejoin my family. I enjoyed the talk with my grandmother immensely.

After concluding this telephone call, I was able to sign up for another one on Tuesday morning in hopes of speaking with my wife. I have gone through a cycle where I have signed up for the call at night but over the past few days the night yard has been an “iffy” proposition. I certainly don’t want to push the issue and the convenience of signing up for a morning call was very easy. I was able to get the time I wanted which was 11:00 pm and hopefully my wife will be available. This brings to mind an issue relating to the telephone. As I was speaking with my daughter last week she asked if I could call her on her birthday which is next month. I wanted to promise her I would call, but I couldn’t do that because those events are completely out of my control. I did tell her I would “try” to call which is all I can do. Hopefully, I will not have another repeat episode of what happened on Christmas Day, but really all I can do is hope because I am at the mercy of the prison system. I did take a look ahead to my daughter’s birthday which is on a Sunday and it does appear the telephone sign up schedule is favorable. However, my son’s birthday – 3 days prior – does propose more of a challenge. I am sure I will come up with something and will give it my best in order to speak with him on his 6th birthday.

Some of these challenges may seem mundane to most people even myself prior to coming to prison. Now that I have been incarcerated over the past 6 months I have a new found appreciation for the simple things in life such as using a telephone, using a machine, and dryer and most of all giving my children a hug. All of these things – and more – have been taken away from me (which was my own fault) but I do know it is only temporary and I will be a viable positive member of society upon my release next year. Yes, this has been a very difficult lesson in so many ways but it has made me and will continue to make me a better person.

After I signed up for another telephone call, I began talking to a student who was in the PFT class who was incredibly apprehensive about the upcoming test in class. I can only do so much in order to calm these students who are so nervous that they stop listening. I tried my best to relax him and put his mind at ease but these were words that were falling on deaf ears. I told him as long as he gives it his best, everything will be fine. I also offered a disclaimer by saying if by some reason he does get recycled – fail – to keep giving it his best until he passes because the end result of being placed in a fire camp is well worth it. It does seem self- doubt and lack of self-esteem is rampart in many of the inmates embarking on the PFT Class Test. I guess years of negative programming, self-doubt, no accomplishments and being in horrible circumstances have taken their toll on many of them because they are so down-trodden. The instructors and the coach only have 8 days to change this mindset and amazingly some of these inmates do make it through while the minority does fail.

There are many inmates who have gained 50 to 60 pounds in a few months from eating “much” of the same thing and doing very little exercise. One inmate who ordered a quarterly package had nothing but sweets in the entire box. One of the snacks was a brownie bar by “Little Debbie”. I was interested in the calorie intake and fat content . When I looked at the label it had 517 calories and 32 fat grams which is more than 25% of the daily recommended allowance – in one bar – which by the way was extremely heavy!

On the flip side to this, there are a few success stories because those inmates who start exercising for the first time in their lives see results. I have met a few inmates who have lost 100’s of pounds over the course of a year and they attribute it to an exercise regime. Prison is just like life in the free world, it is what you make it. I prefer to make it a learning experience which teaches me everyday. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t learn something about myself. Believe it or not I am thankful for these lessons because I am a better person for them. Thankfully, not many of them will experience prison life but in order for me to be a good person I must learn from it and apply these lessons to my life in a free society which is what I do.

After the Chargers game concluded, my dorm mates went off to the dining hall for their cheeseburger dinner while I stayed behind in the dormitory. It seems I can never be truly alone when I stay behind because at least 2 other dorm mates were in the dorm with me. Nonetheless, the quiet is well worth not going to dinner. I sat on my bunk doing nothing as my rice and beans were cooking and I listened to the silence which doesn’t happen often. Even in the middle of the night when everyone is sleeping it is not quiet. However, with only 3 of us in the dorm for 20 minutes it was as soundless as it could possibly get and I was relishing in it. Whoever wrote, “Silence is golden” knew what they were talking about. However, the silence was over as my dorm mates returned from dinner all too quickly I may add!
On the way out of the dining hall, I picked up my vegetarian tray and saw a sergeant standing nearby. As he has done in the past, he asked me for my “chrono” (authorization slip) and as I showed him he very politely - which was shocking because previous times he was anything but polite - explained that I needed a “card” in order to obtain the vegetarian meals. He detailed the process which was to speak to the dorm CO in order to expedite this. The sergeant was exceptionally pleasant and I thanked him for all the information and went on my way. I spoke with the dorm CO who is usually very nice but as soon as I mentioned the word “sergeant” he raised his eyebrows in a sarcastic manner. He took down my information and wrote it on the back of his hand (yes, his hand). After writing it, he did comment, “Once it is on my hand it will get done.” I shall see and hopefully this isn’t a lengthy process with a great deal of red tape. Obviously I have done my part and it is up to the others. I will follow up because otherwise my request will fall through the cracks or get washed off the CO’s hand!