Reality of it All

Just when I thought life was moving in the right direction something happened to move me back a few paces. Today was my pre-sentencing interview with the Probation Officer and first I must say this is a very difficult job. I can't imagine the type of people this person has to deal with on a daily basis and to render a decision on person's fate based on an hour and half interview and court documents must be extremely difficult.

What I did was dead wrong and I can't change any of the past. I can only explain the why of these transgressions. I tried to explain my lifelong battle with my gambling addiction but I don't think I was able to convey this properly. Yes, I should have gotten help a long time ago but I chose not to and it led me to where I am today. I was given two warning signs in my life but I ignored those warning signs because I thought I was better than everyone else which I am NOT.

Yes, it took losing my job, the prospect of losing my family and the reality of going to prison for a long time to finally seek help with my addiction but in these past nine and half months my life is getting better. As long as I continue what I am doing life will move forward in a positive direction.

The question was asked; "Why didn't you just stop?" This is a great question and I wish I had the answer but my answer is I couldn't. I had to place the next wager; I had to continue the fantasy world when in reality I had all that I will ever need but I still continued to gamble and do bad things. I didn't have some grand plan or scheme these things just happened and I let them happen. None of this lessens what I have done it just tries to explain the "why" of it all. I was asked "why did you gamble?" In Gamblers Anonymous it is NOT important to know why you gambled it is IMPORTANT to NOT gamble but this Probation Officer wanted to know the why. I told him because it was a fantasy world where I could escape and it was like I was 16 years old again when I placed my first sport bet. I didn't have any cares all I cared about was my bets for that particular evening. Yes, I neglected my family by doing all of this but I am a still a good father and intend to be a good father for a very long time. Yes, I neglected my wife and she has every right to NOT to trust me ever again but some how God has given me an angel in my wife because she is right there by my side.

The Probation Officer tried to implicate my wife because how could I have done all of the things in my past when it comes to gambling and still have her trust me; surely she has benefited from my transgressions. I was clever enough to keep this a secret from everyone for a long long time. I am not talking about the bad stuff I am talking about the gambling. I found a safe haven on the internet where I could place all the bets I wanted anonymously there was only one person who knew I was gambling habitually and we would celebrate and commiserate together. Because we could not tell a single person how much we won or lost that particular night because we were both doing it secretively. It was an insane life and yes, as Gamblers Anonymous states compulsive gambling can lead to three things; Prison----I was there for five days and will go back for whatever the courts decide, Insanity---I led an insane life due to the gambling, and Death---I don't want to die because I have so much more to offer to this world in spite of what some people may think.

I don't know how to properly convey this but compulsive gambling is a real addiction. I have come in contact with so many wonderful people who are battling this addiction on a daily basis just like I am. Some have done some bad things but they are NOT bad people. I hate what I have done to my family and myself and I will face the consequences for my actions. I am doing everything in my power to correct my wrongs and I know I am NOT a bad person; I did bad things and I will pay the consequences for these bad things.

I know it is so hard for normal people which is just about everyone to understand addiction and especially understand the compulsive gambling addiction. I was hoping the Al Roker Investigates Program would shed some light on the fact that I am a real person who needed help for so long but chose to ignore it until the world came falling down on me. No one should have to go through this and life without gambling is a wonderful life and I look forward to sharing this wonderful life with my family one step at a time.

With all of that said; I have to thank a few people because without their support, wisdom, knowledge and insight I don't know what would have happened to me today. I thank my wife for being the angel she really is; I thank my children Lauren and Jonathan for being themselves; I thank my sponsor Ken for being my beacon of hope; I thank my friend Phil for his exceptional knowledge and wisdom; I thank my friend Ann for her compassion and depth of knowledge. These people are outstanding human beings and I am privileged to call them my friends.