It's Wrong No Matter What

Today was certainly a better day than yesterday. I was kept busy with some reports and kept busy researching ways to explain problem gambling to "normal" people. I came across some great websites mostly run by the individual States' Problem Gambling Council. They all spell out the addiction and some go into detail. I was looking for a simple way to explain this addiction and unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your point of view!) there really isn't a simple way to explain compulsive gambling.

I have my own understanding of this addiction because it is something I was probably born with it and it took a whole lot for me to final realize I am and will always be a compulsive gambler. It is a progressive disease and yes, I will quantify it as a disease which is incurable but can be arrested. In my personal battle with compulsive gambling I chose to ignore all of the warning signs such as; I made my first real bet when I was 12 years old. This was warning sign number one; the younger you are when you first start gambling the more likely you are to be a compulsive gambler. I got into trouble when I was 18 years old and my parents made me go to a psychologist and had an individual from Gamblers Anonymous call me to persuade me to join the Program. This was mistake number 2; everything the Gamblers Anonymous member told me was true but he just scared me enough NOT to attend the meetings and join the Program. I stayed away from gambling for the next 5 years.

This doesn't mean I was abstinent in this five years I was gambling recreationally (that is funny because I don't even know what that means!!) I dabbled in gambling during this period but it was nothing like it was prior. However; toward the end of my college career my roommates and I took a day trip to Atlantic City. Long story short my car broke down and I wound up winning $2500 playing blackjack. $2500 to a college student is a whole lot of money but this only set me up for the failures of the years to come. I also worked at a racetrack during this period in college and I took some of that money and wagered at the racetrack and I lost about $500 but I stopped.

I finished college and started working and after one year of working I found the same friend who I got into to trouble with when I was 18 and we started working together. Guess what?? We started betting on sports again. We also would take the occasion trip to Atlantic City but me being so lazy I hated the 2 hour drive back and forth so these trips were few and far between. The best (that is a laugh!!) part about betting on sports is the convenience; at that time all I needed to do was pick up the telephone and place the wager. There was no driving involved and it was instant gratification. Yes, sometimes the games would drag out for four and five hours but there was a thrill about placing the wager; waiting for the game to start and waiting for the final score of the game. It was a three fold rush.

During this period of the next five years I proceeded to lose a great deal; approximately $100,000 which I had absolved (Mistake number 4---mistake number 3 happened when I was bailed out of the first gambling debt by my parents; I lost that money and should have paid it back maybe the pain of the paying it back would have sunk into my crazy mind) in a personal bankruptcy filing and even though I listed the $100,000 on the bankruptcy filing as gambling debts I still never thought of myself as a compulsive gambler.

My wife and I moved to Las Vegas (of all places) because I loved the gaming industry. I got a job in the gaming industry but I soon find out it is just like any other industry and the job bored me out of my mind. I find the internet and I can be completely anonymous and place my wagers over the internet. I can "control" my gambling because on the internet you can only wager the amount of money you have in your account there is no credit but there are credit cards. Soon my perceived control is totally out of control which leads me to where I am today.

No matter how I "explain" what I have done to my family and numerous other people it is dead WRONG. I can only hope to shed light on my difficulty with this disease. It does not lessen, diminish or set aside what I have done; it was wrong. Did I know it was wrong when I was doing? I can't answer this because my mind was so distorted I had a hard time deciphering between what was up or down let alone what is right or wrong. Do I now know what I have done is wrong? ABSOLUTELY. Can I right this wrong? I am trying and will continue to try to right this wrong for my family.

How could I do this to my family? Great question but my mind was inside out when I was doing this which does not make it right it only sheds some light on my state of mind. Was it insanity? Yes, when you do the same things over and over again and expect a different result each time that is insanity. This is what I did each and every time I started to gamble. I would gamble; win, lose, and then chase on three separate occasions. The third time was definitely a charm because it taught me a lesson of the lifetime; I CAN'T GAMBLE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. When I gamble my life goes to hell. I have not made a wager of any kind in nine months and 23 days which is nice but today is all I will ever have and I make a promise to myself each morning and that is I will not gamble today. This is how I get through each and every day.

I will close with some sage advice from a fellow GA member. This member was in a horrible situation but they got through it with serenity. This member said; "If I spend many years in prison so bet it, if I never see my family again so be it, if I never get another job so be it, if I can never buy a house so bet because I cannot control those things but I can control whether or not I gamble today and I chose to not gamble today and become a better person by working the 12 steps". I paraphrased a bit but there is so much outside of my control and I can't dwell on that but there is so much I can control and I will continue to do those things such as working the 12 steps, stay in constant contact with my Higher Power and living each day with a purpose. Life has twisted a bit and will continue to twist but I will be alright as long as I continue doing the right things.