Gone

At 12:30 pm the flat bed tow truck pulled up in front of my house to take my car away. I was sort of hoping for a delay or maybe the paperwork didn't get filled out in time but the inevitable came and they took my car away. On Monday I was having a hard time with losing my car but as the last two days have gone by I realize it is only an object and immaterial object at best.

There are so many could've should've and would've I can dwell on. None of those will do me any good. Yes, I lost my car due to my compulsive gambling addiction and I will have to live with this because there is not one damn thing I can undo to get that car back. There are a great many things I can do to ensure I NEVER have to go through this again and those are all centered on me being diligent about my recovery.

My recovery is tantamount to my ultimate survival because without this recovery all of what I have gained in the past 14 months disappears. I know this is a one day at time Program but I must work this Program one day at time for my lifetime or my life will end. It does sound dire but I believe it to be the truth. In fact we had a very eloquent speaker at today's Gamblers Anonymous meeting and the speaker spoke of the demon inside. This member has had their compulsive gambling addiction arrested for the past 22 years yet they are so careful to be aware of those demons that can ruin everything.

I can so relate to this because there is a part of me that is a demon and like the speaker's reference of having two sides one good and one bad I too have this same dilemma. I have a very good side and a very bad side. I know as long as I continue working my recovery I will have the very bad side arrested or at the very least held at bay and the very good side will come shining through. I know I cannot let my guard down for one second or that very bad side will come through with a horrible vengeance. The GA Program has given me the opportunity to get my life back and I fully intend to use what the Program has given me to continue getting my life back each and every day. If I stop working this Program my life ceases to exist.

Changing the subject somewhat; it appears a second sports celebrity came out today and spoke of their gambling addiction; Charles Barkley. Mr. Barkley was following John Daly's admission from yesterday. A quick side story; I remember seeing Charles Barkley in Atlantic City at the Trump's Castle Casino. He was playing craps and I remember almost bumping into to him because he appeared to be there alone. This was over 17 years ago when he was still playing basketball and I remember him having a huge rack of casino chips in front of him while he was playing craps. Then I saw him again about an hour later and all those casino chips were gone. Also; I remember when I worked at Bally's in Las Vegas seeing the markers (loans to the casino) Charles Barkley had taken out and he owed well over six figures to the casino.

I don't know whether having these public figures come out with their gambling addiction is a good thing or bad thing. I would like it if they were both in some kind of recovery and how they have changed their lives but it doesn't appear that way. Barkley especially thinks he can continue to gamble and have fun but I know where that thinking led me and I pray he comes to terms with the gambling addiction. What it does do is raise the awareness of compulsive gambling a little more and the more awareness about this truly baffling insidious addiction the better for the general public.

Sutil admitted that "drugs made him stupid," the judge noted. This is a quote from a judge in a nearby county in Southern California. Here is the entire story. As you can see from the story the judge granted this young man probation for his actions which were caused by drugs even though those actions were deemed illegal and certainly inappropriate. This judge went beyond the black and white of the crime and looked at the root cause; drugs. Is there a difference between an addiction to drugs and addiction to gambling? Both make people do stupid and illegal behaviors; however; one is deemed legal and one is deemed illegal. Does it make it worse or better if the action is legal or illegal? In my mind it doesn't matter because as many people much more intelligent than me have said; an addiction is an addiction no matter the substance or the action.

It was nice to see the judge go beyond the basics of the case because if you examine this particular case this young man brandishes a shot gun which to me is violent. Yet, there are so many people myself included who have committed illegal acts due to their addiction to gambling and the only fact is that of the illegal behavior. I am inclined to think it is better to take drugs and commit a crime because there are so many state program for drug abusers yet there are NONE for compulsive gamblers. Again; I don't really understand the difference but I will keeping working my recovery to the best of my ability so I won't have to be faced with these questions ever again.