Nervous Breakdown (Part Two)

August 11, 2006

A little past 2:00am I peeked out the holding cell door and watched the Officer go through each inmate’s box where the personal things were stored. I thought we were only allowed to bring certain items to State Prison and the rest of our personal items would be shipped home. Somehow I misunderstood this because only the clothes I wore to court on the day of sentencing will be shipped home, not the personal letters and pictures accumulated by me over the past month. I watched with horror as the Officer put certain items in the paper bag which would go with the inmate to State Prison and throw the other items in a dumpster. I couldn’t see my box so I couldn’t tell what was going with me and what was trash. All I kept thinking about was the 24 page entry I had written this afternoon for this blog being dumped into the trash. A few more deep breaths and a far more serenity prayers and I was okay.

Now it was time for the Officers to shackle and chain us together before being put on the bus. There is a chain which went around my waist. I was handcuffed with my left hand to the chain, (so scratching my nose was a little difficult) my right hand to another inmate’s chain. My feet were shackled together with an iron chain. Walking with this chain wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be but walking attached to another inmate was difficult. Fortunately we didn’t have far to walk. It was only a few hundred yards to the bus.

As I have mentioned before I was placed in Protective Custody which means we are the last one’s on the bus and we have special seats in the front of the bus. These special seats are also in cages so none of the other inmates could harass us. We departed downtown Riverside at around 4:00am for central California. At this point in time I was exhausted and tried to sleep but for whatever reason had a very difficult time getting to sleep. Maybe I got caught in the moment of the sunrise too long or maybe our family journey across country a month ago has strengthened my tolerance for long rides, but we were entering the State Prison before I knew it. We entered the Kern prison at a little before 7:30am. As we entered the correctional officers at the prison inspected the bus both inside and outside. I noticed a little tension between the Officers on the bus who were with the County Sheriff’s Department and the State Correctional Officers. There weren’t many words said between these two parties but we were admitted into the prison.

We arrived at the Central Processing building and the inmates who were in front of the bus (which was me) were let off first. I was immediately greeted by a Corrections Officer who asked me my named and then he asked me why I was put into protective custody. I gave him my name and explained the reason as to why I was put into PC and ten he asked me if I wanted to stay in Protective Custody. I knew this question was coming and I have received a lot of advice on this subject from other inmates. Some of the inmates said I should definitely get out of PC and go on to what is called the “Main Line”. Others told me the exact opposite that I should stay in PC. Now it was my turn to make a decision. My main emphasis is to try and get into a “Fire Camp” which I understand is very hard work. I need hard work and I heard that if I stayed in PC, I wasn’t eligible for a Fire Camp.
I told the Corrections Officer I would like to go to Main Line, he seemed to agree. He then told me they would hide me out overnight and stick me somewhere tomorrow so no one would be suspicious. I was immediately told to use a different entrance than the other PC inmates. As soon as I entered the door I was told to strip naked. I shed the county issued sandals, orange shirt and pants, I was again subjected to a strip search but this time instead of being in a room with one officer and one other inmate, I was in full view of about 12 Correction Officers both male and female and about 20 inmates. After the strip search I was told to walk through the metal detector naked where I was given a pair of boxer shorts. After I received the box shorts, I was quickly escorted to a six feet long, four feet wide holding cell which was located out of the way from all the other inmates. Yes, this would be my 6th holding cell in a little over 48 hours. Yes, the whole process has been debilitating, demeaning, and degrading but I am in the custody of the State of California and this is how an inmate is treated. Right or wrong is certainly not for me to decide because I lost my rights when I broke the law.

Now it was a little before 8:30am and here I am in yet another holding cell for who knows how long. I had my mind made up it was going to be at least another 24 hours. This set-up was different than the other holding cells I had been in because there was no toilet or sink. There was just a bench at the far end of the cell. The bench stretched from one wall to the other wall; four feet. Also, the way the processing office was set-up allowed actual sunlight into the office and I was aware of an outside world. Little things like sunlight mean a great deal at these points in time and I was very grateful.

I figured I better get comfortable because it maybe a while before I am released from the holding cell. A few other Correction Officers came by and asked me a few questions. One came by with my personal belongings from the county jail and I was excited to see my letter to the blog was still there along with all the letters and pictures I have received while I was in County Jail. Yet another Corrections Officer came over and took me for fingerprints. The fingerprints were an identical set-up to the fingerprints I had given at the County Jail. While the Officer was taking my fingerprints she asked me why I was separated from the rest of the inmates and I told her my story yet again. A few more Officers came up to me after I was fingerprinted and while in my holding cell asked me more questions. At this point I was getting very confused because all the questions appeared to be essentially the same and I wasn’t sure if I was staying in PC or going to the Main Line. Then an Officer came up and told me he was going to put me in the medical dorm where there are “no politics” and “I would make it.” I said thank you and he went on his way. Finally, yet another Officer cam up with my charges sheet and he asked me how much was the total dollar amount and I told him. Then he asked me if I got to keep the money to which I told him no and not only do I have to serve a four year sentence, I still owe the money when I get out. Then the Officer said to me, “how come some people get to keep the money while they serve the time and I have to serve time and still pay the money back?” I replied, “I don’t really know, maybe they had a better attorney.” He laughed and finished up with his questions. A few more hours went by and I was given two sack lunches which contained two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, an apple, almond cookies and Lay’s potato chips. I ate the sandwich but it really is difficult to eat peanut butter without drinking anything. Maybe this is also part of the punishment?

I couldn’t eat the other lunch bag so I figured I would save it for later. I finally settled down on the floor (it wasn’t as dirty as the County Jail) and drifted off to sleep. I thought I heard my name called and I tried to yell out but a minute went by and I heard it again. The Officer finally found me and told me I was being sent to a dorm. I believe it was the same dorm (medical dorm) I was told about by a different Officer. I tried to gain my composure and gathered my belongings. I raced to where the Officer was and grabbed a pillow case which was stuffed with sheets, towels, shirts, undershirts, boxers, and socks. I was told my housing assignment which is B-3 and needed to make a right at the guard tower. Yes, a thirty foot high guard tower manned with guards with real guns.

I was greeted by an Officer who gave me my cell number 218. The dorm is a concrete building with a metal roof. It has two tiers and can house up to 84 inmates. I quickly went up the stairs and found my cell and new cellmate. By now it was after 9:30pm and dark. I entered the cell and my cellmate immediately noticed I still had on my blue band. The blue band denotes PC and this is a huge “NO NO” on the mail line. My cellmate quickly asked me my charges and much to his relief they were embezzlement charges and had nothing to do with children. My cellmate also went on to tell me to get rid of that band because “I could be KILLED for wearing it.” Apparently anyone associated with “PC” is either a child molester or police snitch and neither one is looked upon highly in the main line. In fact, according to my cellmate, people have been either beaten up or killed for it.

As soon as I heard this I quickly took off my band and stuffed it with some other garbage and my heart was racing yet again. Here I am minding my own business trying to follow the rules and regulations only to find out I could be killed for wearing a stupid band. I don’t know if anyone saw me wearing the band as I made my way to the cell so I have to be extra careful in the days ahead. With my heart racing, I unpacked all my belongings and made my bunk. The sheets are blue and are of a much better quality than the County. There are also two extra boxers so I can change these more than twice a week with another change of clothes (pants and tops). At least the clothing has been upgraded.

I finally settled down after the scare and laid down. I started to speak with my cellmate who was still very concerned with my blue band and I tried to put it out of my mind. We talked further about why we were both here and he is serving a 16 month sentence for drug possession. This is his second time to State Prison, the last time being 6 years ago for a similar charge. As we talked further, I told him I was married and had two children. Now the events of the past few days or maybe it was the events of the past 17 ½ month, but as soon as I mentioned my wife tears started to well-up in my eyes and I had to stop talking for fear of completely breaking down. My cellmate understood and after a few minutes I regained my composure but not before blowing my nose and wiping my eyes a few times.

There are so many emotions which are still bottled up inside me and unfortunately I am not in a place where I can let these emotions go and hopefully someday not in the too distant future I will be able to let them go and NOT bottle them up. For now, I have to bottle them up because I must be strong and put on a brave front. But truth be told ever since Wednesday night when I was first transferred to all the holding cells to the possible uncertainties, my emotions were pretty much spent. A few of these emotions came out tonight which was definitely a good thing. I did feel much better but I do know I have a long way to go.