Unexpected Letter

July 29th-August 1st

Roll call - which consists of an officer going from cell to cell barking out the prospective inmates last name and the inmate is required to answer with their correct first name, occurs each day between the hours of 11:00 pm-12:00 am. This insures that the inmates are in their proper cells, but mostly, it insures that all inmates are accounted for. I don’t know if all the inmates are not accounted for nor do I ever hope to find out. After roll call, the same officer comes through and delivers the mail. This usually occurs during midnight.

Lately, I have been getting at least one piece of mail a day. I thank everyone who has written because it helps me immensely get through one more long boring evening. As I have detailed previously, my cell has no interior light and the only light that illuminates the first six inches of the cell, comes from the lights in the common area. I can barely read the letters at this time of night even if I lean all the way up to the window on the door in the very front of the cell.

Anytime I receive a letter, I am very anxious to read it and I don’t want to wait 6 ½ more hours for the sun to come up. So I am always leaning on the door. Tonight (Friday, July 29th) I received a letter from an unexpected source. I noticed on the envelope that the return address was local and I assumed it was from one of my GA friends. I quickly opened the letter and discovered it was not.

The letter was from someone I worked with in Southern California and Las Vegas. Our careers had crossed paths and there are only a handful of people who share my previous work history. In fact, those who shared my previous work history WERE FRIENDS of mine at one time. But due to my transgressions have quite understandably distanced themselves from me. This letter was not from one of those former friends. It was from a person I worked with at two places and yes, we occasionally had work related issues during those times, but our interaction was limited.

When I recognized the name on the letter, I was shocked! Yes, we had worked together and were always cordial with one another, but I wouldn’t consider us friends. Before reading the letter I was impressed this person took the time to compose a two page letter. As I read the letter with the little light coming through the front door, I didn’t know whether I should be angry or happy.

I know and I have come to grips with the fact that most people don’t understand my criminal actions. I have no right to be angry with anyone for their opinions, so I try to take everything with a grain of salt. As I read the letter, I had a hard time understanding the writer’s intentions. Maybe I was missing key words because of the lack of light or I did just not understand the well thought out writing. I read the letter twice and retired to my bunk. All kinds of thoughts were in my head, but one thing stood out. This person whom I have known for almost the last nine years, but don’t really know, took the time to write me. This in and of itself gave me comfort.

When I woke up in the morning, I re-read the letter for the third time and I finally discovered the meaning of the letter. I guess I am a bit slow, but at least I finally understood the letter. The meaning of the letter was twofold (at least in my opinion) this person was reaching out and asking some very good questions. By doing so, this person was helping me with yet another aspect of my recovery. This person genuinely wanted to know the “why” of it all.

On Saturday morning, I penciled (I don’t have a pen) a response, which hopefully clarified some of the questions, and by doing so I remained honest and grounded in my recovery. Step Twelve, in the Gamblers Program of Recovery, requires members to give back. Part of giving back for me is telling my story to anyone interested. Unbeknownst to the author of the letter, he was helping me in so many ways.

Hopefully, this person receives my letter and we can have a dialogue that will be beneficial to both of us. Many strange things have happened since I entered recovery over 17 months ago and mostly all of these strange things have been positive. Sitting in a place like this (jail) I am looking for all the positive energy I can gather, and this letter was one of them. I may have outlined this before, so please forgive me if I am being redundant. A typical day here at the Southwest Riverside Detention Center consists of the following:
Breakfast 5:00 am – followed by prescription medication dispensing (aka “pillcall”) at 7:00 am
Lunch 11:00 am
Dayroom time - when the inmates are let out into the common area between 1 – 3:00 pm
Dinner – 4 pm followed by another “pillcall” anywhere between the hours of 7 and 10 pm
On most nights is another dayroom time between 8 and 11 pm
Roll call – 11 pm
Mail delivery – midnight then finally “lights out” which means the lights in the common area are dimmed and presumably everyone goes to sleep until 5 am when the cycle starts all over again.

For one reason or another, we have not had the night session of “Dayroom” on Saturday which was the case today. This makes the third consecutive Saturday where we were confined to our cells from 4:30 pm to 5:00 am the next morning. The sun loses it effect on any cell around 7:30 pm so I cannot read or write during this period of time. This makes for a very long night. I have been assured that each step away from here gets progressively better and I realize time will pass and all of this is just temporary. However, when there is nothing to do except to stare at the four walls of my cell, it makes the nights go by very slowly.

Today, being Saturday, means visits for inmates for our section. I have been very fortunate because each Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday, I have been very fortunate and received at least one visit per eligible visiting day. This does not include the visits which were turned away due to the power outage. Today was no exception and I did receive one visit from a very dear friend. Even though my friend had to be somewhere else later this afternoon, he made it a priority to visit me. As always, it was a great visit and really anytime I am out of my cell talking with someone on the “outside” is a good day. My friend told me he would continue to visit me each Saturday until I am transferred.

After the visit was over, I returned to my cell. It was time for dinner and that was it for the rest of the day. I started my 9th book, The Oath by Leocart and most likely should finish it sometime tomorrow.

Each day before the guards call us for breakfast, the “trustees” are called out of their cells by the PA system which invariably wakes me up. In fact all through the long night, there are sounds that come from the same PA system and always wakes me up with a startle. I noticed that my cellmate doesn’t wake up with these noises so I asked him about it and he told me to give it time and I would get used to it. Maybe this will happen, but for now if I sleep longer than 2 ½ hours it is rare. This doesn’t mean I am not getting enough sleep, it just means I can only sleep 2 ½ hours at a time. I am not exerting myself in any way and although I am not sleeping, there is a great deal of resting during the day.

Speaking of exerting myself, I have made a concerted effort to get up every morning and do at least 300 pushups and 300 sit-ups before breakfast. I have been faithful everyday and also throughout the day I add another 300 pushups and 300 sit-ups. At the very least I am getting some type of exercise and I also try to walk (back and forth) for an hour each day. It’s not Gold’s Gym, but it should suffice for the time being.

Sunday is another visiting day and true I had one visitor. The visit was from my great sponsor and his wife. This was the first time I saw him since the fateful day, 2 ½ weeks ago. It was great to see the both of them. We had a wonderful visit and the 50 minutes flew by. I am proud to say I love this man because he is all heart and has given me so much over these past 17 months. He was in a very similar situation 16 years ago than I am in now. He has survived and I can only hope to be half as successful. He has given me so much hope and optimism. Even though we cannot speak on a daily basis, I think of him everyday and all the things he has said. With people like him behind me I will make it and life will continue to get better.

These visits are so welcome and certainly needed. It not only breaks up the day, but it connects me back to the world I come from. In here there are times which are very difficult. However, by being able to talk with my wife most days, the letters I receive and write, and the visits that I get, make this horrible situation tolerable. If someone told me (by the way, someone did) when I first started gambling that I would end up in a place like this, I would have said (and I did) they were crazy but they were 100% correct. Here I am and I must make the best of everything, get through these next few years, start my life over the right way and cherish each moment with my family.

The old psychological adages of HALT – never get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired does not apply to a place like this. From an external source, it must come from within me. The hunger is something I work with and I try to ensure I am getting the necessary vitamins and minerals each day. The anger is something I must be mindful of because I have no one to be angry with except myself which I try to work on each day. The lonely part is rather difficult, but through the telephone calls, letters, and visits, the loneliness subsides a bit. Finally, the tired is more of lethargy because there really is nothing to do. I try to stay busy by reading and writing, but I long for the days where I am physically tired and sleep longer than 2 ½ hours.

Yes, it is a struggle but one I will endure one day at a time. I have to keep reminding myself two years is not that long. I remember back two years and I remember I was right in the thick of this madness. I am so glad those days are gone and I look forward to only serenity.

Sunday evening we were able to get out of our cells for a longer period of time. I guess the guards were trying to make up for us not being able to get out last evening. This makes the night more tolerable because there is enough light to read at this time in the common area as opposed to no light at all in my cell. Yes, I took advantage of this light and finished my 9th book The Oath. It was very good – a medical, legal, murder mystery. This was one of the better ones I have read.

Monday, 5 am came just like the previous 20 days and I did my 300 pushups and 300 sit-ups before my biggest meal of the day – breakfast. Normally, my cellmate does not get up for breakfast which means I am able to eat his tray of food. The only time I care about this is at breakfast because I actually look forward to the cereal which was Rice Krispies this morning, fruit – pears, and biscuits. I quickly give away my cellmate’s and my 2 hard-boiled eggs to the first person I see. This makes somebody very happy and it immediately makes me happy as well because the eggs are out of my sight! I cannot finish two trays of the breakfast food in the allotted time of 15 minutes so I concentrate on eating my cereal. I cannot bring the cereal back to my cell but if I don’t finish the fruit or biscuits, I can always bring that back to eat at a later time.

I cannot talk to anyone during breakfast because I am busy eating two bowls of cereal. As I mentioned, we have 15 minutes to eat but we really only have 7 or 8 minutes by the time we get our trays. Time is of the essence and I need all the calories I can get. There is not time for small talk of any kind during breakfast.

As I was eating my breakfast, I noticed two of the people seated at the table had special meals. Actually I noticed this a week or two ago and today I thought I would finally apply for one of these special meals. I had no idea I would be here this long (it is going on 3 weeks) and didn’t want to “rock the boat” so to speak, by requesting a special meal. But I thought I have been patient enough and I have no idea how long I would be here.

In order to request a special meal, an inmate (me) must fill out a “kite”. A “kite” is a request submitted by an inmate on various matters.

This would be my first “kite” and hopefully my only one because I want to fly under the radar as much as possible. I started my 10th book The Summons by John Grisham this morning, but I decided to put it down for a few minutes while I composed my “kite”. I noticed the other special meals were either non-dairy or diabetic. I did not see any non-dairy vegetarian meals, but I thought if they could prepare the diabetic and non-dairy meals ~ why not a non-dairy vegetarian meal.
I composed what I thought to be a clear and concise one page description of my request for the special meal. I wanted the request to be non-invasive as possible because the last thing I want to do is bring attention to myself. Also, in the “kite” was a respectful request for a multi-vitamin because I am fairly sure I am not getting enough vitamins in my diet. I wrote the one page “kite” and dropped it into the slot. It will take about one day for someone to get back to me.

The rest of Monday was uneventful and much like every other day. I received two letters – one from my wonderful, younger but wiser sister and one from my sponsor. This is the second letter from her and it contained pictures of her trip to NJ. She was kind enough to send a picture with all seven of the great-grandchildren with their great-grandmother – along with several other pictures of my daughter and son with their cousins. My sister is so thoughtful. I was very happy to receive the letter and the pictures.

This is my sponsor’s third letter and he too is considerate. Even though he visited yesterday, he composed a letter a few days earlier. He informed me of the comings and goings of the world news along with pertinent GA news. This is a great link to the world outside these four walls. I, of course, read both letters in the relative dark and after I finished and went to bed with a smile on my face knowing how much love there is in my life.

Tuesday (which is today as I am writing this) came with the call to the trustees to prepare for breakfast. I got out of my bunk and did my push-ups and sit-ups while waiting to be called to breakfast. Once again, my cellmate did not come to breakfast so I had two servings of bran flakes along with three apples (someone was kind enough to give me theirs). I came back to the cell where it was still dark so I couldn’t finish my book. I brushed my teeth and climbed back into my bunk. For some reason, I am able to sleep between 6:30 am and 9:00 am with minimal interruption; only the “pillcall” at 7:00 am woke me. This is usually the case each morning and today was no exception.

Just when I started to get into what seemed like a deep sleep, my name boomed over the intercom to come out of my cell. At first, I was a bit startled and thought maybe today was the day I get transferred. However, those thoughts quickly dissolved when I saw two other inmates. I asked them where they were going and they told me they were going to see the doctor. I remembered my “kite” from yesterday and it was addressed to the physician so I too was on the way to see the doctor.

Fortunately for me, I was the first one in line and the first one to see him. I went into his office and he had five other files scattered about his desk. He asked me my name for a second time while he looked at the files on his desk. I looked down and saw the hand written “kite” in his basket. I pointed to the letter and told the doctor that it was mine. He quickly picked up the piece of paper and asked me if I expected him to read the kite. When he said this I knew it would be an uphill battle. I told him very unassumingly that I had hoped he would read it but I will paraphrase it for him.

I went on to tell him I was requesting a special meal of a non-dairy vegetarian. He asked me if I was lactose intolerant and I did not want to lie. I told him that I wasn’t, but my diet has consisted of being a non-dairy vegetarian for the past 16 years and I didn’t know what type of an effect it would have if I deviated from this. He said he could only prescribe a non-dairy diet if I were lactose intolerant or if I had problems from eating the current diet. I asked about the vegetarian part and he told me to pick out the meat. I then respectfully asked if I could get a multi-vitamin and to this he asked if I had cirrhosis of the liver. I replied, “not yet” which brought a rye smile to his face. He went on to tell me he could only prescribe the vitamin if I had something wrong with me. Apparently, medical care in a place (jail) like this is of the reactive nature as opposed to the preventative nature. I was denied both my requests.

I didn’t make a fuss about the denial; I respectfully thanked the doctor and went back to my cell. I am here only a short time and I will make do with what I have been doing in terms of nutrition. I eat enough fruits and grains throughout the day so I should be okay for the time being. Also, I have found some items in the commissary form I can order which will give me some protein in my diet. These are not the best in terms of nutrition, but they are certainly better than the alternatives.

I have ordered rice-instant, no need to boil the water, just add hot water (kind of like the rice on Survivor) peanut butter, and peanuts. As I said, it is not the best, but it is some type of nutrition and calories. Again, it is only temporary and I have been assured the food choices get better as I get to State Prison.

After leaving the doctor’s office, I found out later in the day from a fellow inmate that the cost for a doctor’s visit is $3.00. I guess it is part of the inmate’s health plan. At least I have a health plan. Since my termination last year, I have been without. I guess there is some good to come out of all this ~ just kidding!

I made it back to my cell and finished the 10th book The Summons by John Grisham. Which by the way, I had started several years ago but never finished. In this book he writes about gambling, stealing, and addiction. In spite of all those things, I found the book quite uninteresting. I kept waiting for a fast-paced finish which never happened. I am a big John Grisham fan but this (in my opinion) was not one of his best books.

The search is on for my 11th book and it doesn’t matter what it is about, I will read it. I was informed today that I will be here for at least another week – maybe two – because my paperwork has not been processed. Oh well, all good things come to those who wait and I am waiting patiently.


PS
Paul has been transferred to Riverside yesterday, August 8th and released to the "Intake Reception Center" on the 10th of August. We do not know for sure where he will be taken.