Plans

First off I would like to wish my mother-in-law a very happy birthday. As birthdays go this is a big one and I hope she had a great day. I know we haven't always seen eye to eye on certain things and I know I took her daughter away from her 12 years ago when we moved to Las Vegas but she really is a remarkable woman and I do love her very much. She has so much love for our family it is wonderful and I know I can't say I am sorry enough for what I have put her through. I would like to thank her for all that she has done for me and for our family she is a fantastic lady. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

I don't know who coined this phrase; "Life is what happens when you are busy making plans" because it is so appropriate. Over the course of the past 11 months my wife and I have been asked countless times; "what is your plan". Unfortunately because of what I have done to myself and to my family I have to wait for other extraneous forces to make their decisions before I can make mine. Now that life moves on no matter what and no matter what plans have been made or not been made time marches by.

I have had a plan in place for the past 7 months but the powers that be haven't approved or disapproved of this plan in those 7 months. On Thursday of this week those powers that be will rule on this plan; however; this plan which seemed like a very good idea 7 months ago and was very feasible does not seem so feasible now. I need to have a back-up plan which I do but I fear it may take another seven months for the powers that be to rule on this plan.

My main concern (other than continuing on the road to recovery from my compulsive gambling problem) is with my wife and children. Yes, what I have done drastically effects these three people and I am trying everything in my power to keep some type of consistency for my children. Today my son and daughter celebrated the 100th day of school which means they still have 80 days left and I want them to finish the school year in California. I don't know if the courts take those who I have effected into consideration but I pray to God they do. My back-up plan has everything to do with my family and it is certainly in their best interest.

I know this got me into trouble with the Probation Officer because what I did certainly was not in the best interest of my family it was in my interest only. This would be correct; however; due to my insatiable appetite to make the next bet I lost all sense of reality. Not many people can understand this concept; maybe those who have tried to quit smoking can relate or those with other addictions can relate but the "normal" population does not know of these feelings. I put myself in a situation which I could not control it controlled me. I know now how much of an idiot I was but I didn't know then. This does not excuse the behavior or condone the behavior it only sheds some light on the behavior.

I will meet with my attorney tomorrow afternoon and discuss my alternative plan and see what he says. I have been relying on my attorney a great deal but it is my life not his that hangs in the balance. I cannot change those bad decisions and I must live with what the courts decide; however; my main concern is with my family and I will do everything in my power to see my family does not suffer too much because of what I have done.

Another plan my wife and I have discussed is where will she and the children live when I go away. There are three alternatives; one; stay here in California, two; move to Las Vegas; or three; move to New Jersey. I know there are people who read this blog that have an opinion on this plan but again the main concern is with the children. Will it matter to them if they don't see me for two years because they live too far away; probably not; I will call and write. It may matter that they are surrounded by immediate family members and the only place for this is New Jersey.

Everyone knows how I feel about New Jersey but I lost my options 11 months ago and whatever makes sense for the family makes sense for me. I don't care where we live as long as we are all together. I love my family more than anything else in the world and yes, placing those wagers over the past 7 years distorted my thinking but I know I have all that I could have ever wanted in Monica, Lauren and Jonathan. Yes, it took a large wake-up call to realize this but at least I have realize this and life will continue to get better each and everyday.

Who Does Time?

The article in this week's issue of BusinessWeek Magazine read; "White-Collar Crime: Who Does Time?" It was an article in reference to the start of the two key figures in the Enron case; Jeffrey Skilling and Kenneth Lay. As an aside if anyone is interested in a very good movie about Enron; please rent the DVD; "Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room". It is a documentary about the rise and fall of Enron and I found it fascinating. It wasn't biased it reported the facts and the facts are extremely confusing because Enron (in my opinion) was a catastrophe of epic proportions and to pin the demise on any one person is just not possible. There were so many factors involved in the failure that I found it mind boggling.

Getting back to the article in BusinessWeek about white collar crime. The article was very brief and it outlined some very high profile white collar scandals and how much prison time was associated (if any) with these crimes. Going back to one of the first high profile corporate (white-collar) crimes in the late 1980's with Michael Milken the "junk bond king" who served a prison sentence of less than 2 years and walked away with $500 million in the bank. More recently Dennis Kozlowski the CEO of Tyco who received 8 to 25 (I am not sure how this works; does he get out in 8 years with good behavior and if he doesn't behave properly does he serve the full 25?) years for swindling the company out of nearly $600 million. Then there is Richard Scrushy the CEO from HealthSouth who was accused of a $1.4 billion accounting fraud and was found not guilty on all counts by a jury. Finally there was Bernard Ebbers the CEO and founder of WorldCom who was found guilty of the $11 billion accounting fraud and sentenced to 25 years in prison.

As you can see and as the article points out the results are all across the board and mostly arbitrary. I showed my wife the article and she asked what is the most important criteria in defending oneself against these allegations; is it the defense attorney, the prosecuting attorney, the judge, or the jury. I think it is a combination of all of these things because without a quality defense attorney the defendant will get buried; with a solid prosecutor the defendant can get buried; with a judge who is having a bad day the defendant can get buried and without a reasonable jury the defendant can get buried. It is not in my best interest to figure these things out because I will be go crazy.

I have accepted the fact of what I have done and will face the consequences associated. I know there is still a long way to go but at least I seem to be going in the right direction which is forward. The question was posed to me earlier today; "how do I feel now when I look back at what I have done?" I try NOT to look back but when pressed for an answer I feel stupid and I didn't realize how bad a compulsive gambling problem I had. I feel stupid because the things I have done no rational or sane person would have done and I feel stupid because I didn't get help earlier for my compulsive gambling problem. I cannot change any of these things and this is what I will have to live with the rest of my life.

What I do know is that I am doing the absolute best to get my life back in order. I am happy with myself today and I becoming the person I am destined to be. I will make myself proud and I will make my family proud because I am getting the help I so desperately needed all these years and it is not too late. Who knows what the courts will decide and whatever they do decide I will accept because I brought all of this on myself. It was my dysfunctional brain that caused this misery and it will be my functional brain that will turn this misery into a positive.

"Heart & Soul"

Tonight I had the pleasure of attending a birthday celebration for two of our most beloved members in the Gamblers Anonymous Program. Both of these special people were celebrating four years in recovery from their compulsive gambling addiction. Even though these two people couldn't be more different; one a man and one a woman; one black and one white; they share the same common problem; life for them became unmanageable because of their gambling problem. It doesn't matter whether they were a poker player, blackjack player, slot player, sports bettor or any other "game" of chance their lives were unmanageable because of their gambling problem.

Somehow through the grace of God and the fellowship of Gamblers Anonymous these two incredible people have abstained from gambling for the past four years and they are in a very special place of recovery. I attend three GA meetings a week and there are four meetings a week in our area. I have been attending these meetings for the past 11 months and there has only been ONE meeting where these one of these two members didn't attend because they both happened to be out of town that particular day. I have seen these two people so much in the past 11 months it is truly remarkable.

One would think that having four years of abstinence these people would stop attending meetings but it is quite the contrary. Because they have this time in and they UNDERSTAND the Program they attend as many meetings as possible. Which is why the Gamblers Anonymous Program works and the spirituality exudes from these two individuals. I know I am a better person because of both of these members and I am truly blessed by their presence.

Tonight's meeting was a "lovefest" we had 41 people attend the meeting which was an accomplishment in and of itself because the room can only hold 30 people. People came from great distances to celebrate this milestone and it is a true testament to the Program and also to both of these fantastic people. I am so grateful to have made the choice to enter the GA Program 11 months ago because my life has been touched by some remarkable people.

These two people are the heart and soul of our group and I would like to thank them for all they have done for me in my recovery. They have taught me that the Program works if you work it, life without gambling is a great life and there is a Power greater than me. This Power does work in mysterious ways and has given me the strength to endure anything in my life. My life is so much better today than it was 11 months ago and these two people have been instrumental in my ongoing recovery. I love you both!!!

Eleven Months

Time flies when you are in recovery. In some ways these past 11 months have felt like 111 years and in other ways they have felt like 11 seconds. What I do know is time ticks on no matter what I do so I better make this time count for something. Eleven months ago today I made my last wager; however; five days later I made the second (first being the decision to ask my wife to marry me) most important decision in my life which was to enter the Gamblers Anonymous Program. I am so very happy to have made this decision (as well as making the decision about my wife) because it has saved my life.

Today was a Gamblers Anonymous day; it started out just like the past Saturday mornings have in these last 11 months with my regular Gamblers Anonymous meeting. It as it always seems to be was a great meeting. After the meeting a fellow member and I drove down to a birthday celebration about 60 miles away. It was a very special birthday celebration because there were four birthdays; one year, three years, nine years and ten years. What made it extra special was these four people were all women.

When Gamblers Anonymous was founded in 1957 most if not all of the members were men. In fact men have been thought of as the one's to gamble through the years and some men (like myself) have gotten into trouble with their gambling. However; somewhere over the past almost 50 years women also started to gamble and some women got into trouble with gambling as well. The only place for most compulsive gamblers to find recovery has been Gamblers Anonymous and it is open to both men and women.

What I find fascinating is the Program was designed by men and not much has changed over these past fifty years but the Program works for both men and women. The Program wants to help ANYONE with the desire to stop gambling no matter their race, creed, color or sex. I found it amazing to go to a place where four women were celebrating some significant milestones in their recovery. The Program does work.

I was thinking as I sat through the wonderful birthday meeting with a great many attendees what separates the people in the Program who really work their recovery to those who seem to struggle by having numerous relapses. I know I can only speak for myself and I can only look at my gambling career. I tried to do stop gambling by myself but never really understood how bad my gambling problem was until my world came crashing down upon me. When my world came crashing down upon me I wanted to know how to get help so I wouldn't repeat my mistakes. What I found is the Gamblers Anonymous Program and I made a commitment to this program almost 11 months ago.

I think the word commitment is essential in my recovery and hopefully will be the key to my success. I am committed to arrest my gambling compulsion and the only effective way for me to do this is through the Gamblers Anonymous Program. I can say I am committed to stop gambling but without the GA Program it is an empty promise because I am only saying this to myself. However; if I get up in front of a bunch of strangers and honestly admit I have a gambling problem and my life has become unmanageable and ASK for help; my life will change and has changed. By the way these strangers have become my dear friends and they are all good people with the same illness (compulsive gamblers).

I am committed to the GA Program no matter what happens through the court system because it is my road to recovery and this road will be with a Divine purpose. Through this commitment will come and has come goodness. I have met people who I would have never met before and I am a better person because of this. I will continue to become a better person as long as I am committed because to me this is the key to my success in my recovery.

Today was an outstanding day which concluded with our dear friends coming over and spending the evening. We for some reason or another since our dear friends moved away from our neighborhood don't seem to spend that much time together but tonight was a very special night. It was a special night because these people are very special people. I thank God for blessing me with their friendship. There are so many good things in my life and I know no matter what happens in the coming weeks things will work out because they already have.

Compulsive Gambler Treatment

Today was a very good day and I am looking forward to a very full Gamblers Anonymous weekend. Tomorrow morning I will be attending the regular Saturday Morning meeting as well as attending a big GA birthday celebration in the afternoon. One of the members will be celebrating 10 years in the Program and this is quite an accomplishment. On Sunday we will be celebrating two four year birthdays and these two people are the "heart and soul" of our Program. I am so blessed to be surrounded by such magnificent people.

I wanted to post this story about Compulsive Gambler Treatment in Nevada. Nevada was the first state to legalize gambling; however; it wasn't until last year that the state legislature finally passed a bill to fund treatment for compulsive gambling. It has been a long time coming but as is the case with most things it is NEVER to late to right a wrong. Here is the full story;

Nevada and its gaming industry are making history again today.

The state's Advisory Committee on Problem Gambling meets in Las Vegas to hand out taxpayer dollars to fund treatment programs for the addicted.

This has never occurred in the 75 years that gambling has been legal in Nevada.

Backed by Gov. Kenny Guinn, several key lawmakers and a casino industry that began to develop a conscience, the 2005 Legislature created the nine-member committee and funded it with $2.4 million in slot machine taxes through June 2007.

But if we play our cards right, today's moment in history will be just the start of dealing with a problem that has been ignored for too long.

And if you don't think the state's involvement in gambling addiction is a welcome sight to health care and social service providers, consider the panel's daunting task today.

It has 13 applicants requesting nearly $3 million in funding, but only $1.5 million in grants to hand out.

"This illustrates that there's a tremendous need here, which we've been saying all along," says Dr. Robert Hunter, a clinical psychologist who runs the overcrowded Problem Gambling Center in Las Vegas.

Hunter has submitted five separate requests for money, including an application for $367,921 to start up a first-ever gambling addiction treatment center in Reno.

The Salvation Army is looking for $221,375 to launch a treatment center in Las Vegas, and UNLV's Center for Individual, Couple and Family Counseling wants to include problem gambling in its outpatient services with a request for $277,238.

"We've got a lot of strong applications," says Laura Hale, chief of the Grants Management Unit of the Nevada Health and Human Services Department. "These are people who have been doing this with limited funds in the past."

Hale's boss, Health and Human Services Director Mike Willden, is elated with the outpouring of interest for the money the state has to offer.

"This is great news that we have so much of a demand," he says.

But Willden also worries that those who don't get what they've requested today might, out of frustration, consider directing their efforts away from problem gambling in the future.

That would not be good -- which brings to mind the ace-in-the-hole in the law that created the advisory committee.

The problem gambling fund was set up to be a partnership between the public and private sectors.

The law allows Willden's agency to accept private donations from, you guessed it, the casino industry.

With the industry recording record profits again, it's going to have plenty of money to make up for those years of turning the other cheek to the very problem it created.

Plenty of eyes are watching big gaming now.

Just how it deals with its long-neglected responsibilities is how history will judge Nevada's success in treating the addicted.

Honest

This morning I was very fortunate to play golf with a friend of mine in the Program. I have met some exceptional people in this past year and I do consider myself blessed. My friend in the Program knows my situation and offered a round of golf and in a former life golf was something that I took for granted because I could play whenever I wanted and with whoever I wanted. This is certainly not the case any more and I am a better person for it.

As I got set to tee off on the first hole I started to reminisce a little about the time I shot my lowest score (83) and who I played with. I played with three other gentlemen and most likely will never speak with any of these three people again because of the things I have done. This is something I am coming to terms with because there are many other things that I may never get to do. However; I do know I am better person today than I was one year ago and for this I am very thankful.

I was on the fourth hole and my cell phone rang and it was another friend of mine whom I have recently met and they were inquiring to see how I was doing. They had just read the morning newspaper and my story was included. They wanted to know how I was dealing with everything. I told them I was doing very well because yesterday's court proceedings had gone the way my attorney had planned and there were no surprises. Had it gone a different way I am not so sure how I would be feeling but it didn't and I am one step closer to putting this chapter to rest. I was very honored to receive this phone call because I have met so many people who genuinely care and also I have some incredible people in my life who have stayed right by side through all of this. I am a very fortunate person.

As I spoke with my friend and assured them I was doing okay I did convey to them that it is highly likely I will be spending some time in prison. Obviously I don't want to spend any more time in prison but what I have done warrants punishment and the county I reside in firmly believes in punishing people to convey a strong message to others. I am also coming to terms with this; I will miss my family dearly and I know my wife who I have left a huge burden will come through this time very well. She is my rock and she is the one who got me through yesterday. I love this woman so very much. I don't know how I will ever make it up to her but I will continue to keep trying my best.

When I got home from playing golf I had seven messages some from family members and some from friends; all of them wanted to know how I was doing. I know what I have done is wrong and I will be made an example for others by the court but in the mean time I am trying to be an example to myself so I can continue on the road to recovery and live a purposeful life.

Today on the Oprah Winfrey show Oprah had James Frey the author of "A Million Little Pieces" or should I say "A Million Little Lies". Apparently Mr. Frey decided to come clean with Oprah about some outright lies in his non-fiction book. I have never seen Ms. Winfrey so angry because she stood up for Mr. Frey and his book and now he is admitting to embellishments and outright lies. I watched the show and I have to give James Frey credit for coming on the show because he could have continued to run and stick to his story. Instead he wanted to confront Oprah and her audience. At the beginning of the show Oprah was very angry and embarrassed and James Frey was waffling at certain questions. By the end of the show Oprah seemed to get over her anger and James Frey started to fess up to his mistakes.

The problem I had for so many years was lying. I would lie to myself, lie to my wife, lie to just about anyone so I could get my way. All of that lying came to end when I committed myself to the Gamblers Anonymous Program because Step One states; "we admitted we were powerless over gambling - that our lives had become unmanageable." The only way for me to do this was to be honest with myself and the tenants of the Program is to be honest, have an open mind and willing.

I know this honesty will set me free because I have been imprisoned by dishonesty and there is no other way for me. You may ask; "how does this relate to the Oprah Winfrey Show and James Frey?" Well, Mr. Frey may have been clean and sober for 13 years but he certainly wasn't working a Program (which he is not if you read the book) because he was not honest. Today may have been the first time for Mr. Frey to open up and be honest about himself and I pray to God he will be on the road to a real recovery.

I want to be honest with myself each and every day. As long as I am honest with myself I will be honest with others and I will continue on the proper road to recovery. This road has no end. It is the road of my life and success will be measured when I am long gone. However; I do know I am making major strides in this recovery and I look forward to each and every day.

Court Session

This morning I received the phone call from my attorney's office informing my wife and me to go down to the courthouse. The call came at 10:15 am and we got to the courthouse at 10:30 am. As we made our way into the courthouse I had noticed the television truck again but had already known that the local television station would be in the courtroom. I had read it on my case history yesterday and also my attorney's office had informed me as well. My wife was not too happy about the television crew (one camera man and one woman reporter) but I informed her all of this is out of my hands and we are dealing with the situation the best we can.

We entered the courtroom and saw the television camera which made a point to capture me as I was sitting down. The Deputy District Attorney and the Judge were already in the courtroom but my attorney was not. As we sat down I noticed there was another proceeding taking place and knew it was going to take some time. This other proceeding had witnesses and the Judge was deciding if there was enough information to hold this proceeding over for trial.

At about 11:00 am my attorney entered the courtroom and went over to speak with the Deputy District Attorney; they spoke for the next fifteen minutes and as the Judge wrapped up the previous case he called my attorney and the Deputy District Attorney into his chambers. We were told by the bailiff to vacate the courtroom because the session was in recess. I knew that the Judge has lunch from noon to one thirty so our chances of being heard before lunch looked bleak. I was correct because my attorney emerged from the Judge's chambers right before noon and told me we would be coming back after lunch. He also told me what was going on.

Yes, something was actually happening and my attorney did get the Judge to agree to what we were speaking about. This may seem cryptic and it is for a reason and the only thing I can say is my attorney got the Judge to agree to a term maximum before proceeding any further. This term maximum is exactly what my attorney was going for and I am very happy to know my maximum exposure. Also while they were in the Judge's chambers there were financial matters discussed and all I can say is I don't understand. I don't understand because my attorney presented some things 7 months ago and I guess because I came up with these proposals by myself the Assistant District Attorney is very leery and the Judge was still giving the ADA some latitude on this proposal.

However; the Judge did state some things in the courtroom which surprised me and looks to be leaning more and more to my proposal as opposed to the Assistant District Attorney's proposal. I am getting ahead of myself a bit. After lunch we went back to the courtroom and my case was the first one called. The Judge stated those things I had previously mentioned and I think my wife was more relieved than me. I guess I was expecting the worst but may have been hoping too much for the best. I did not get the best proposal from the Judge but I certainly did not get the worst. In fact I got exactly what my attorney and I had discussed which is a very good thing.

I have to go back next week to firm up some things and get the Judge's decision on a proposal and I will enter a final plea. I am entering a final plea because of what the Judge had to say today. After I enter this plea it looks like there will be a few more months where my attorney and I will have to get to the bottom of certain issues but once this is finalized I will have my sentencing hearing. This most likely will occur in April and then it will be over. When the Judge hands down the final sentence I will be relieved but up until that time I will keep reciting the serenity prayer; "God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I CANNOT change; COURAGE to change the things I can; and WISDOM to know the difference."

Night Before

Today was a great day; I was able to volunteer at my daughter's second grade class. Everything went well and my daughter (as was I) was extremely excited to have me in her class. This afternoon a dear friend from the Program allowed me to do some work and it felt good getting out. I do miss going to a regular job but I know as long as I continue to do the things that have been successful for these past 11 months everything will continue to work itself out no matter what happens in court.

This evening I attended my regular Tuesday Gamblers Anonymous meeting and although the meeting was a little different than most meetings I still left the meeting feeling better than when I went into the meeting. For me the Program works in all ways; like I said the meeting was a little different but I stayed after the meeting and spoke with my friends (yes, they are my friends and these friends are genuine) discussing the meeting and other topics. This little 20 minute discussion meant so much to me because I have met some of the most fascinating and dear people. These are all good people with a bad problem but the good thing is these people (like myself) are doing something about their problem. I am so thankful to have all of these people in my life and I thank God for allowing me to experience this.

Tomorrow I go back to court and unlike so many of the previous times where nothing happened; tomorrow something SHOULD happen. I say should because there is still a whole host of other factors that may prevent something from happening but I am at a period where the reality of at all will hit. I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared because I am scared. I do know I am doing all the right things and have taken responsibility for my actions. Most importantly in doing these right things I have gotten help and will continue to get help (as long as I am legally allowed) with my compulsive gambling problem.

I do know that my future is in the hands of other people and there are some people that want to send a message about my behavior. I cannot begrudge them for this because for some it is their job and for others it is a message they feel they have to convey. These are their opinions and are certainly entitled to them. I can only present the facts and whatever decision the Judge makes will be the correct decision and I will have to live with it.

Also; I do know the local media will be back in the courtroom again recording the hearing. I guess they think this is news worthy and again I cannot control any of this. The only thing I can control is myself and through God, my family and the Gamblers Anonymous Program I am learning more and more each and every day. For this I am extremely grateful to be afforded the opportunity to get help and get better. I would be remiss if I didn't thank all of those who have stood by me and who have offered their support through prayer. Thank you all so very much without all of this support I would be a lost soul but now my soul has been found.

Step One

Today was a very interesting day because I finally met with my attorney and discussed the Probation Officer's report as to my pre-sentencing fate. My attorney seemed to be as confused as I was so I didn't feel so bad but by the same token I didn't feel so good. There needs to be further clarification and I believe my attorney will get this from the Judge. The Judge is the person who matters the most in my case and he only knows me by my file number. At some point he will get to know me as a person and I can only pray he is a reasonable person.

I know this is out of my hands and I have accepted that the decision on my future rests with someone else. This does not mean I will stop trying; I will continue doing the things that have been successful for me in the past 11 months and at least I know I have done my best. My best is all that I can ask for because so many years passed by without me trying my best and now I fully understand what doing my best really means.

My wife and I sat with the attorney for more than hour and I know he will do his best. I do have confidence in my attorney because he has been successful for many other clients. I know what I have done is bad and I will suffer the consequences but I have learned something very valuable and that is I am not a bad person and I have so much more to offer in this life. There are so many positive influences surrounding me and I am so thankful for each and everyone. I will get through this as I continue getting through this I get better and better each and every day.

Step One in the Gamblers Anonymous Recovery Program is as follows; We admitted we were powerless over gambling - that our lives had become unmanageable. This is the only step of the twelve steps of recovery that can be done once all the other steps must be part of my daily life and performed over and over again. This step is the key to my recovery; by being able to admit (honestly) that I am powerless over gambling and not look back with regret or doubt I can continue on the road to recovery.

I am powerless over gambling because when I gamble my life becomes unmanageable. I don't know right from wrong; up from down and I forget about all other things. My sole focus is on placing that next wager. I don't have to live this way anymore because I have admitted I am powerless to gambling. Some people think this means that you are giving up and they would be correct but not in the way they perceive giving up but in the way of giving up to get back. You see compulsive gambling is an illness which cannot be cured it can only be arrested and for someone like myself who has been afflicted with this illness all of my adult life; I cannot arrest this illness by myself and I need help. The only way for me to get help with this illness is to stop fighting it and give up the power of the illusion that I can gamble like "normal" people.

It is an illusion because my mind plays tricks with me when it comes to gambling. It told me when I was 18 years old and got into trouble the first time; don't worry you will get out of it and you will learn your lesson. My mind tricked me because yes, I got away with it but I didn't learn my lesson which was I cannot gamble like "normal" people because I am not "normal" when it comes to gambling. Normal to me is excessive to just about anyone else. This excessiveness led to my demise because my mind denied my problem for so very long.

I am not denying anything any more. I have a gambling problem and I need help. I don't want to "control" my gambling I want to eliminate my gambling. The only way for me to eliminate my gambling is through the Gamblers Anonymous Program. The Gamblers Anonymous Program has taught me there is a great life that can be achieved without gambling and I am applying those steps in all of my daily affairs.

Step One is the most critical step on the road to recovery because without admitting I have a problem with gambling and without being honest, open-minded and willing I would be doomed to repeat the problems of my past. No matter how bad it seems now it can always get worse and this worse would be loneliness and despair. I am so happy to report I am not lonely and there is no despair. There is a great deal of hope and goodness in each day of my life. This life is wonderful because I have discovered the important things and those important things do NOT include gambling.

Twenty Questions

At tonight's Gamblers Anonymous there was a new member and with every new member who enters Gamblers Anonymous they are asked the twenty questions. These twenty questions determine if the person is in the right place. Each question is answered with only a yes or no there is no explanation needed. As we were asking the new member the twenty questions I always try to answer these questions as if I am hearing them for the first time.

Tonight I made a revelation and I am finally 20 for 20; meaning I answered yes to ALL twenty questions. This was not the case at my first meeting; I believe I answered 16 yes and 4 no. Part of recovery is growth and honesty and each day there is more and more growth and honesty comes with this growth. I wanted to share these 20 questions and an explanation to each question as to why I answered yes. Here are the 20 questions;

1. Did you ever lose time from work or school due to gambling?----Yes, not in the physical sense but definitely in the mental sense. Each morning from 8:30 am to 9:00 am I would check the days lines and think about who my selections would be for the day. At 3:00 pm to 3:30 pm I would place my wagers; from 5:30 pm to 6:00 pm I would check the scores. Each one of these took me away from what I was supposed to do and yes, I lost time from work due to gambling.

2. Has gambling ever made your home life unhappy?----Yes, because of my gambling my home life was unhappy when I was 18, 28 and 39 years of age. Also; the obvious; my current situation which was caused by my gambling has led to some very unhappy times. Thank God those days are over because I have stopped gambling and my home life has become very happy.

3. Did gambling affect your reputation?----Yes, it has given me a horrible reputation as a liar and a thief. but I am slowly gaining this reputation back day by day.

4. Have you ever felt remorse after gambling?----Yes, I once lost $39,000 in an hour and half playing blackjack on-line; I couldn't sleep for a week but I still didn't stop. It is a horrible feeling and one I don't have to experience ever again.

5. Did you ever gamble to get money with which to pay debts or otherwise solve financial difficulties?----Yes, all the time for the past 7 years.

6. Did gambling cause a decrease in your ambition or efficiency?----Yes, when I first answered this almost 11 months ago I said; no but when I look back (honestly) all I cared about was placing my bets for the day. My ambition became my gambling and my efficiency went all to hell.

7. After losing did you feel you must return as soon as possible and win back your losses?----Yes, also when I first answered this I answered no but looking back (honestly) I had to return time and time again to fuel the addiction and get that money back. Please keep in mind it wasn't about the money it was about the need to place a wager and money only functioned as a facilitator.

8. After a win did you have a strong urge to return and win more?----Yes, this was another no when I first entered the Program but that urge to return was strong no matter whether I won or lost and maybe it was stronger when I won so I could continue to play that much longer.

9. Did you often gamble until your last dollar was gone?----Yes, and then some.

10. Did you ever borrow to finance your gambling?----Yes, let me count the ways; refinance the house, credit card, signature loan, home equity line, from work, borrow from kid's college fund; personal loan, bank loan; lone shark loan; I must be leaving something out.

11. Have you ever sold anything to finance gambling?----Yes, gold necklace, bonds, stocks, house and I am sure there are more.

12. Were you reluctant to use "gambling money" for normal expenditures?----Yes, all the time; I couldn't buy anything with my gambling money because it was my gambling money and this means it was my ammunition to play for as long as possible.

13. Did gambling make you careless of the welfare of yourself or your family?---- Yes, if it didn't I wouldn't have done the things that I have done. When the urge you have to do something overwhelms all the intellect you have in your brain then you have a problem and I have a problem.

14. Did you ever gamble longer than you had planned?----Yes, about 22 years!!!! I have not heard one person in Gamblers Anonymous answer no to this question and I would guess that over 50% of the "normal" people who gamble would answer yes to this question as well.

15. Have you ever gambled to escape worry or trouble?----Yes, this is a very interesting question because for me it was as if I was 16 years old again and didn't seem to have a care in the world. All I cared about was who covered the spread. When I look back to when I started to gamble when I was 16 years old I think I started to gamble to escape my parents divorce and all I had to care about was who covered the spread. This manifested itself into a lifetime addiction.

16. Have you ever committed, or considered committing, an illegal act to finance gambling?----Yes, I think I have said enough about this question over the past 11 months.

17. Did gambling cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?----Yes, see the answer to number 4 and also I couldn't sleep at all in the last six months of my gambling career.

18. Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create within you an urge to gamble?---Yes, but it wasn't limited to arguments, disappointments or frustrations it was just about everything; the time of day; whether the sun came up; who was playing; I gambled no matter what.

19. Did you ever have an urge to celebrate any good fortune by a few hours of gambling?----Yes, I answered this one no up until tonight. I had a fellow member "burst my bubble" because he had a different interpretation on this question; his good fortune was a credit card advance in the mail or an unexpected check which he looked as good fortune. Based on this definition I definitely gambled because my good fortune was my horrible decision and I will leave it at that. I will answer this one in more detail as the years pass.

20. Have you ever considered self destruction or suicide as a result of your gambling?----Yes, I had the embankment picked out on the freeway but thank God I found the Gamblers Anonymous Program because it has saved my life.

Most compulsive gamblers will answer yes to at least seven of these questions.

As you can see I am a compulsive gambler through and through. This does not excuse what I have done nor does it give me a free pass. There are reasons for everything and now that I am fully aware of the fact that I am and will always be a compulsive gambler and have found help through the Gamblers Anonymous Program life has gotten better. It has been 10 month and 24 days since my last wager and life is worth living because I am becoming the person God intended me to be.

Brain of a Compulsive Gambler

I ran across this article from the BBC News website in the United Kingdom. Apparently there has been a study done on the brains of compulsive gamblers and it resembles a similar pattern to people addicted to drugs; here is the article in its entirety;

Gamblers' Brains Addiction Clue

Serious gamblers demonstrate a similar pattern of brain activity to people who are addicted to drugs, a new study has suggested.

The researchers from Hamburg, Germany, said this showed gambling was also a form of addiction.

They said the parts of the brain which are active when people feel rewarded, curbing activity, are less so in those who take drugs or gamble to excess.

The research is published in the journal Nature Neuroscience.

In the study, the brains of 12 compulsive gamblers and 12 non-gamblers were monitored using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) while they played a simple card guessing game.

Players had to choose one of two face-down cards. If the card came up red, they won one euro.

It was found that the ventral striatum, a part of the brain that signals reward, was less active in the pathological gamblers even though both groups won and lost the same amount of money.

Reduced activity in the area is recognised as a hallmark of drug addiction.

The researchers suggest the explanation could be that people with such addictions cannot maintain the amount of the brain chemical dopamine - which produces feelings of satisfaction and pleasure - which they need in the ventral striatum, through everyday life.

Instead, they need stronger triggers - such as drugs or excessive gambling - to compensate.

Other Factors

Writing in Nature Neuroscience, the researchers from the Universitaets-Krankenhaus Eppendorf, led by Dr Christian Buchel, said their findings "favour the view that pathological gambling is a non-substance related addiction".

But Mark Griffiths, professor of gambling studies at the International Gaming Research Unit at Nottingham Trent University, said differences in brain activity were too simplistic an explanation for why some people gambled and others did not.

"The explanation for why people gamble is more holistic than that. It's not just about the gambler, it's about other factors such as their social environment."

He added that the design of gambling activities was also a factor in prompting people to become addicted.

"There are differences. For example, a slot machine is more problematic than buying a weekly lottery ticket.

"This study is one more piece of the jigsaw that helps give gambling legitimacy as a bona-fide addiction."

Father & Son Evening

This evening my wife and daughter attended the annual Brownie "cookie rally". This is where my daughter's Brownie (little Girl Scouts) troop gathers together to get their Girl Scout Cookie information. I won't go into the Girl Scout Cookie saga of last year; if anyone is interested please see the archives regarding "Girl Scout Cookie Episode". Yes, one year has just about passed by and here we are again selling the Girl Scout Cookies. In some ways this past year seems like 100 years and in some ways it seems like 10 minutes. No matter how fast or how slow the year has gone by the key for me life is getting better and there is no stopping or turning back time. Each day is better than the last and I am finally being the person I am capable of being.

With my daughter and wife attending the "Girl Scout Cookie Rally" it was time for a father & son evening. My friend had called earlier and he was taking care of his son while his wife and daughter were also attending the "cookie rally" and had asked me if we were interested in going to the movies. Unfortunately the movie they were seeing we had already seen because when we get together it seems all parties (fathers and sons) have a good time. So it was just my son and I for the evening. I decided to take him to a different movie (Cheaper by the Dozen 2) because he had wanted to see this movie ever since it came out last month and really enjoyed the first movie (Cheaper by the Dozen). I know funds are tight but I have to enjoy each and every day with my family so I decided to splurge for the movie.

As far as movies go Cheaper by the Dozen 2 was okay; however; it did hold my four year old's interest which is extremely important. There were two critical points of the movie; the first was when the movie started and my son nudged me and asked if he could sit on my lap. Of course I couldn't I say no to my sweet little boy and hopped up onto my lap for the entire movie. The second critical point was the end of the movie and I won't give away the ending but I will say the theme of the movie is family and parenting. One line by one of the children in the movie brought tears to my eyes; "as far as being a parent we know you are not 100% right all the time but we do know that you love us dearly". It may not sound like much in print and I am sure most people who have viewed this movie didn't have the same reaction I did but my eyes welled up with tears. I try my best with my children and despite all the horrendous things I have done to other people I love my children dearly and do try my best.

My best was tainted for the past several years but now my best is clearly my best. There are no distractions (meaning NO gambling) to get in the way and I do savor every minute with them. The simplest pleasures bring me the most joy; I watched a movie with my son sitting on my lap and it was just he and I; life truly does not need to get any better than that. Life moves rather rapidly and I know I will miss a few years with my children but no matter what happens I will always love them and do my best.

I came across two websites that I found fascinating and wanted to share them; the first one is title Gambling Addiction Crime Against Business. It outlines cases in which crimes have been committed by compulsive gamblers to feed their habit. It is a very extensive list and there are many horrible cases like a 66 year old grandmother who stole $4.9 million from her employer to feed her gambling habit; she was sentenced to 31 months in federal prison and was ordered to pay back full restitution. It doesn't matter how old, young, intelligent, affluent, down trodden or any other category the compulsive gambling illness does not discriminate and it literally can strike anyone.

The second website is a more up to date collection on stories regarding gambling crime and corruption. One of the more fascinating stories states; "Research suggests that on a national basis casino gambling generates externally costs in the range of $40 billion annually, and crime is one of the biggest components of these social costs." That is staggering and if the number is correct it would be a wash as to the amount of money casinos generate to the amount of money casinos cost. Is it really a zero sum game? I highly suggest reviewing these two sites and the second site is more comprehensive because you can research the articles in their entirety.

Searches

I am able to track how many people view this blog daily and lately it has been averaging around 25 hits per day. Also; I am able to track what search engine such as Google, Yahoo, MSN, etc. people used to get to the blog and what their search criteria was. Tonight there was a very interesting search criteria; "How do you stop a compulsive gambler from gambling?" This is a very interesting question and being a compulsive gambler I can only answer this question from my perspective. The simple answer; only one person can stop a compulsive gambler from gambling and that is the compulsive gambler. My parents tried when I was 18 years old, my wife tried when I was 28 years old and finally when the roof caved in 10 and half months ago I finally admitted I need help with my problem.

As I have touched in the last few days; it really doesn't have to be this way for anyone who is willing to get help with their gambling problem because help is available. This help comes in the form of Gamblers Anonymous. Many people with gambling problems start the Gamblers Anonymous Program only to fall out of the Program after a few months. I read a statistic that stated only 6% of compulsive gamblers who start Gamblers Anonymous are still regularly attending meetings one year after their first meeting. This may sound like the Program doesn't work but on the contrary it works perfectly for those 6% because they are not gambling and getting their lives back together. It is hard to say what happens to the other 94% because no one knows if they continue to abstain from gambling without the Program or do go back to gambling. No one will ever know what happens to these people because it is an anonymous program and no studies will ever be conducted.

I do know for myself if I were ever to stop attending meetings and stop the Program it would be detrimental to my recovery. See I tried the willpower approach; it didn't work. I tried the ignore I have a problem approach; it didn't work. I tried the theory of me being smarter than the "average" gambler approach; it didn't work. I have been regularly attending Gamblers Anonymous meetings for the past 10 months and 21 days and it has worked. I am not going to mess with something that appears to be 100% effective if I follow the RULES of the Program. Number one rule; abstain from any gambling; rule number two; attend as many meetings as possible; and rule number three; follow the Steps of Recovery. As long as I follow each of these rules and apply them to my every day life; things will get better and have already gotten better.

Getting back to the original question; "How do you stop a compulsive gambler from gambling?" Unfortunately, you do not; the gambler has to make this decision. There have been too many horror stories about compulsive gamblers and their need to make that wager to recount. I know for myself it has been a ridiculous journey into the world of denial. I denied I was a compulsive gambler and this denial led me to some horrible places. Until a compulsive gambler is honest, open-minded and willing they like myself will continue to gamble until everything is gone. Some people again like myself learn the hard way and some people never learn because they cannot be honest, open-minded or willing to admit their problem.

The brain is a strange instrument and can talk you into doing so many things and if this brain believes the answer to all your prayers is the next big win you will doing anything. However; the brain does not define the next big win because no matter how big the win for the compulsive gambler it is NEVER enough and won't stop until everything is all gone. The chase is endless but if you are honest, open-minded and willing this chase will finally end and life will begin again. However; until such time the compulsive gambler will continue to gamble no matter what anyone around them says or does. This doesn't mean you should not try to help the compulsive gambler it only means the compulsive gambler hears what they want to hear and disregards all the rest.

The only advice I can give to a loved one of a compulsive gambler is to PROTECT yourself. Make sure the compulsive gambler does not have access to your checking account, savings account, 401K, stock market account, home equity line, I think you get my meaning. Protect yourself because the compulsive gambler cannot think of anyone but themselves when they are in the midst of their gambling and I say this with experience.

The illness of compulsive gambling takes precedence over everything in their lives. Yes, we are very sick people and need help. With this help we can live normal productive lives but cannot gamble again because only bad things will happen. There maybe some people who can "control" their gambling but they are not compulsive gamblers, I know I can never "control" my gambling which is why I choose to NOT gamble today.

What is Compulsive Gambling?

I have been in the Gamblers Anonymous Program for 324 days and have attended many meetings. I am by no means an expert on compulsive gambling nor do I pretend to have depth of knowledge on this subject. What I can say without certainty is I am and will always be a compulsive gambler. Also, in the many meetings I have attended and the many people I have spoken to; there really is a misunderstanding or a basic unawareness of this problem that is caused by gambling excessively. Someone at last night's meeting was saying to me that their spouse is having a very hard time understanding this problem. On one of the internet's message boards was a message posted from a daughter regarding their mother's compulsive gambling behavior and how she was mad at her mother for this behavior.

I would like to take the time and try to explain what exactly compulsive gambling is and hopefully convey to those "normal" people who say "why can't you just stop?" we compulsive gamblers are unable to stop because we have an illness which can never be cured but can be arrested, don't hate the person hate the illness and please try to get the compulsive gambler help. However; if the compulsive gambler is unwilling to get help there is nothing anyone can do. The compulsive gambler has to be admit to the themselves that they are powerless over gambling and their lives have become unmanageable. Until the compulsive gambler admits this there is no help that will work and there are some dire consequences; prison, insanity or death.

The American Psychiatric Association Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (312.31) defines pathological gambling as;

A. Persistent and recurrent maladaptive gambling behavior as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

(1) is preoccupied with gambling (e.g., preoccupied with reliving past gambling experiences, handicapping or planning the next venture, or thinking of ways to get money with which to gamble)
(2) needs to gamble with increasing amounts of money in order to achieve the desired excitement
(3) has repeated unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop gambling
(4) is restless or irritable when attempting to cut down or stop gambling
(5) gambles as a way of escaping from problems or of relieving a dysphoric mood (e.g., feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety, depression)
(6) after losing money gambling, often returns another day to get even ("chasing" one's losses)
(7) lies to family members, therapist, or others to conceal the extent of involvement with gambling
(8) has committed illegal acts such as forgery, fraud, theft, or embezzlement to finance gambling
(9) has jeopardized or lost a significant relationship, job, or educational or career opportunity because of gambling
(10) relies on others to provide money to relieve a desperate financial situation caused by gambling

B. The gambling behavior is not better accounted for by a Manic Episode.

This definition was developed in 1994 and as gambling venues have EXPLODED over the past 12 years I would venture to guess the American Psychiatry Association may want to re-look at this definition for an updated view. It seems to me that more and more people become addicted to gambling at a much faster rate than ever before. My own experience developed over the past twenty plus years even though I was given two warning signs over that period of time which I ignored. Getting back to more and more people becoming addicted faster and faster tells me there is something in the brain chemistry of us compulsive gamblers and there have been a few studies which point this out. In fact the new criteria for the American Psychiatry Associate DSM-V is looking into genetic factors and brain imaging.

I know for myself there is a feeling I get when I gamble that is unlike any other and I am so happy that I don't have to experience this feeling again. It is hard for a "normal" person to understand but we compulsive gamblers have an illness when it comes to gambling and no matter how much we win or lose it is NEVER enough. I know for myself it was never about winning but staying in action and I did a lot of bad things to stay in action. I will suffer some dire consequences for those bad things but today is so much better than it was one year ago because I am living honestly and openly for the first time in a very long time.

Wrapping things up for those of you who just don't understand let me put it to you this way; have you ever had the need to do something, anything and you wouldn't stop until you did that something? This is how we compulsive gamblers feel about gambling each time we gamble because we will do anything and everything to make that next bet and won't stop no matter the consequences.

I am not sure if this sheds any light for those of you who don't understand the hold gambling has on some people but please keep in mind it is an illness like an alcoholic or drug addict and we gamblers need help to arrest this illness. I thank God each and every day I found the help to arrest my illness because life has a new purpose and this purpose will be lived one day at a time.

Three Boys in a Park

The highlight of my day was taking my son and his two friends to the park this afternoon. This may not sound like much to some people but it means the world to me. When my life changed ten and half months ago it changed for the better not the worse. It has made me realize I have everything I will ever need right in front of me which is my family. Thank God I have not lost my family I must have been doing something right because I certainly have done a lot of things wrong.

This afternoon I played soccer with three just about five year old boys in the park and it was a great time. I was a little hard on the boys because I told them if they touched the ball with their hands they had to run a lap. They all did a great job but my son actually wanted to run the lap so he starting picking up the soccer ball and I watched him run three consecutive laps. It may not sound fun to some but my little boy was having a blast.

Yes, in the past I would take my children to the park and play with them but there was always a distraction. I had to always look at my cell phone to check the latest scores of the day and now those days are over. I am actually there not only in body but in mind and it feels so very good. I don't know how much longer I will have with my children but I will cherish each and every day. This is much like I cherish each and every day since I stopped gambling.

I was watching the three boys play and they are all just about the same age either five or soon to turn five. They all have different personalities and different athletic abilities and it was so nice to fully absorb what was going on. I am biased because it is my son so I am not so sure if this is completely objective so please take it for what it is worth but my son is a little athlete.

Obviously he takes after my wife's family because I am NO athlete nor have ever been one. I watched my son run, kick and play and it seemed fairly obvious that this kid is going to be a very good athlete. He has a solid frame and runs very well. Hopefully, when he gets to high school I will be able to enjoy some of his athletic prowess. Again, I am sure things will develop over the years and he may or may not develop into a good athlete but I hope to be with him as he experiences whatever life has in store.

I wanted to touch on the novel "A Million Little Pieces" by James Frey. I am sure most of you have read or heard about this book and most recently the controversy regarding this book. I am about three quarters of the way through it and will write more when I finish the book. For some reason I cannot get through this book even though it is quite fascinating; I read six pages and fall asleep!! I think I fall asleep because the writing style is very flat and lulls me to sleep; this is my opinion and I am sure others will disagree. On to the controversy surrounding the book and the alleged fabrications in the non-fiction work. I read an article in Time Magazine regarding these alleged fabrications and the story had a very salient point.

I want to share this salient point but before I do that I want to refresh anyone's memory regarding the alleged fabrication. There are three key points in the book where the author James Frey may or may not have lied. I know these three points and to me it doesn't make a bit of difference whether he fabricated his own memoir. What makes a difference to me is the point in the Time Magazine article which is; "Nobody questions that Frey was an alcoholic and a drug addict. And one of the habits addicts pick up is bending and breaking the truth on a regular basis. If you look at the distortions in Frey's book not as acts of cynical calculation or self-aggrandizement but as symptoms of his disease, they have a pathos to them. If Frey is still lying, if he can't face his life as he lived it, he's not whole yet. Redemption is a wonderful thing, but it's possible that the man whose life became a "Million Little Pieces" may not have quite put himself back together again.

The key for me is to stop living like I lived when I was gambling which involved so much lying and deceit. In the past ten and half months there have been no lies and no deceit. I intend to do this one day at a time and as each day passes I become that much closer to becoming whole for the first time in my life.

Past is History

There is a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt that was told to me by a fellow member in Gamblers Anonymous and it is so appropriate; "The past is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and Today? Today is a GIFT. That's why we call it the PRESENT." All of the things in my past are just that HISTORY and someone also said, "you can't rewrite history". Yes, there is no rewriting of the past only learning from those mistakes but not dwelling there. Dwelling in the past is detrimental to my recovery and will only make things worse.

I must be honest (because it is a critical for my recovery process) and say somedays it gets very difficult to not look back without some heavy regrets. My actions were that of my own and I take responsibility for those actions. Because of those actions my future is somewhat out of my hands and in the hands of other people. I cannot control what those others will say or do I can only control myself. Yes, I do have regrets but I believe this is only natural. If I didn't have any regrets I guess I could be categorized as socio-path. I am not socio-path I have an illness (compulsive gambler) that was left untreated for all of my adult life. I am getting the much needed treatment for this illness and understand I need this treatment each and every day for the rest of my life or it will get worse.

It is hard to imagine my situation getting worse but I know if I went back to my previous life it would be much worse. I would have no family, no friends, no anything and most likely I wouldn't have myself. Yes, at times it is very difficult to comprehend the things I have done to myself and to my family. Also, yes, I know other people have no idea as to what I am speaking about and those things I cannot control. I can only hope to educate those who don't have an idea what the addiction of compulsive gambling can do to a person but there is only so much I can do. I do know I can live a normal life and be a very happy person without gambling and the Gamblers Anonymous Program has helped me realize this and so many more things about myself.

This all may seem like a ramble this evening but the events of the past week have set me back a little bit. They have set me back because I wasn't expecting some of those things and I am trying to prepare myself for the worse. I guess I am not doing a good enough job of preparing myself for the worse but I don't want to dwell on the worse or I won't be able to function. This makes sense to me it may not make sense to anyone else.

Yes, what I have done is very bad and there will be significant consequences because of these actions. However; because of what I have done it has made me realize I needed to do someone to get myself better or this would be my life sentence. It is not my life sentence because I am finally doing something about and taking responsibility for those actions.

Lastly, I was speaking with a link to my past over the weekend and I am so blessed to have this person be a part of my life. Yes, I affected this person by my actions but this person is still willing to speak with me and share things they should not share. I guess I was a fairly good person in my previous life or this person and a few others whom I affected wouldn't take the time to speak with me. There are a few people who will never speak with me again and yes, this is what it is and I can't control any of that I have to let it go. I am still dealing with letting things go but each day does get better and I know I am better off now than I was ten months and 18 days ago because my life has changed for the better.

Seems Like Everyday

It seems like there is a case of embezzlement everyday where the accused has a compulsive gambling addiction. Here is another story about a lady in Oregon and this lady appears to be no ordinary bookkeeper she was also a member of the Oregon Bar Association. The story does reference online gambling which is very frightening because any computer in any business or home has a casino readily available. One of the more frightening things about online gambling is the relative anonymity of it all; you can set up an online account in a matter of seconds and within minutes be gambling your life savings away and in some case you can be gambling your LIFE away. Here is the story;

HILLSBORO -- Over objections from prosecutors, a Washington County Circuit judge ruled that a bookkeeper accused of embezzling $278,000 from a Beaverton company may remain free without posting bail.

Georgia Marie Irwin, a former bookkeeper at EasyStreet Online Services and former member of the Oregon State Bar, was charged with 14 felony counts of first-degree aggravated theft and unlawful use of a computer. She faces at least 11/2 years in prison and restitution payments.

Ronald Hoevet, Irwin's attorney, says Irwin is addicted to online gambling.

Irwin was fired in April, after three years at EasyStreet.

Police arrested Irwin in November after an investigation revealed that she had used her position at EasyStreet to write checks to herself. Of 168 missing checks, 135 were deposited in three bank accounts controlled by Irwin, said Beaverton police Detective Mike Smith.

Circuit Judge Timothy P. Alexander released Irwin on her own recognizance Nov. 10.

On Tuesday, Irwin, 52, sat with a fixed stare as attorneys debated her finances.

Bracken McKey, Washington County deputy district attorney, asked Alexander to set bail at $90,000 for Irwin because she continues to spend money she is accused of stealing from EasyStreet -- money she could be ordered to pay back as restitution. McKey said Irwin has taken two loans equaling $90,000 against her home since her release and lives "lavishly," owning two horses.

Alexander denied McKey's request. He said bail is intended to ensure that the defendant shows up in court, not secure funds for a potential victim.

McKey said prosecutors plan to seize Irwin's home in the 8000 block of Southwest 74th Avenue in Garden Home, arguing that she used stolen money to cover the mortgage.

"One of our local companies was extremely vulnerable because she was in charge of their finances," McKey said. "Now she's not working . . . she's milking away any money that belongs to the victim."

Hoevet responded, saying McKey "hasn't bothered to get the facts right."

He said his client took one loan for $60,000 against her home and that she used that money to pay for living expenses and attorney fees. He said McKey's move to take possession of the home killed its pending sale. The money from the sale would have been put toward potential restitution payments, Hoevet said.

Hoevet also argued there is no clear proof that Irwin used the money she allegedly embezzled from EasyStreet to pay for the home.

Irwin will next appear in court Friday, and a trial date could be set in coming weeks.

I will refrain from making any comments comparing my case with this case because each embezzlement case stands on its own merit and is unique in and of itself.

Bet Your Life

Here is an article that is from Australia but can be applied to an society in the world especially the United States. Anyone who is battling the compulsion gambling addiction like myself please pay close attention to the last paragraph; here is the article in its entirety;

A roll of the dice and life could look very different. By Bill Beattie.

Life is a dicey business. We're vulnerable creatures existing in intermittently civilised communities on a planet that ought to carry a sternly worded Government health warning. One of our responses to this situation has been to trivialise life's uncertainty through silly little amusements in which modest sums can be wagered on the roll of a die, the outcome of a board game or the turn of a friendly card.

Humans regularly overdo things, however, and many undergo a conceptual shift from "life's a gamble" to "gambling's my life".Among those for whom an occasional bet isn't forbidden by religion, ethics or a solid understanding of probability, gambling is one of the little garnishes on the condiment table of life.

Most of us would agree with Joe Frazer, 48, a milkman from Blackheath, NSW, who states: "I like having a bet on a Saturday afternoon when I'm having a beer at the local, just for a bit of fun. But if I don't get to have a flutter, I'm not fussed about it. The only major problem I have with gambling is that I don't win enough!"

For many Australians, though, gambling goes beyond a periodic punt on the ponies or the odd charitable donation to the manufacturers of scratchies. "The prevalence of gambling addiction was established by the Productivity Commission in a report issued in November 1999," says John Dalziel, communications director of the Salvation Army Southern Territory in Mont Albert, Victoria. "It stated that 2.1 per cent of the population was addicted to gambling and that a further six per cent exhibited at-risk gambling behaviour."

out of control

A majority of these are men (there is, after all, a traditionally macho quality to many forms of gambling, as if the card table or racetrack were the financial equivalent of a gladiatorial arena).

Studies at Yale University and other institutions, however, have found that increasing numbers of women are becoming hooked on other forms of gambling. They mightn't want to challenge opponents in a rowdy poker game, but will often find themselves mesmerised, in relative privacy, by equally rowdy poker machines.

For most of the history of gambling, an inability to curb the compulsion was considered a sign of moral decay rather than an actual illness - it's the same sort of warm, snuggly, caring-and-sharing attitude directed to those afflicted with chemical dependencies. It's now more rationally viewed as a form of progressive impulse control disorder, requiring the same sort of treatment as alcoholism or related addictions. Though not strictly curable, it can certainly be prevented from running riot.

The first step, as with all addictions, is identifying and acknowledging the problem. "Some of the characteristics to watch out for," says Dalziel, "include when a person starts lying about their gambling behaviour and where they got their money; obtains money by stealing or taking it from their business accounts; thinks about gambling every day and runs up enormous debts on their credit cards. Once the compulsion is recognised, help can be found from organisations such as the Salvation Army."

stages of recovery

Grant Brecht, clinical and organisational psychologist and managing director of Grant Brecht and Associates, North Sydney, identifies five stages compulsive gamblers pass through en route to recovery: "pre-contemplators (who often deny their problem, either defensively or because they haven't really registered how it affects them, their loved ones, and their finances); contemplators (who have thought about changing but haven't taken action); planners (who recognise the need to change and are exploring the best methods); action takers (who are engaged in changing); and maintainers (who are trying to sustain behaviours and attitudes that show control over the problem)."

Different treatment, he has found, is appropriate for different phases.

"Pre-contemplators need to be coaxed into responsibility. Contemplators need a vision for what they'd like to achieve. Planners need to know how to evaluate progress and remove obstacles. Action Takers need help to overcome old habits and reward the new. And Maintainers need to know how to recover ground, without guilt or loss of confidence, after a temporary lapse."

Acquiring wealth is rarely the goal of a compulsive gambler, which is just as well since the heftiest win will usually be tomorrow's stakes.

The real prizes are a sense of having been favoured by fortune and the brief glow of self-esteem that follows. Since a bona fide personal achievement, such as conquering an addiction, is a vastly more potent source of that emotion than a quirk of probability, the best way for a compulsive gambler to hit the jackpot is simply to refuse to play.

Terrible Consequences

In my quest to learn each and every day I came across a few stories and would like to share them; the first one is fairly terrible and although I am not sure it had to do with compulsive gambling the outcome was horrible. The story is about an accountant who was accused of embezzling from a township in Ohio and the outcome was terrible.

I can relate to some of the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness but thank God I found Gamblers Anonymous ten and half months ago. Not only has GA helped with my gambling addiction they have helped discover many character defects which I am working on each and every day. Most importantly the Program has instilled in me "serenity"; there are so many things I can change but there are many things I cannot and one of them is the past. I can only learn from my past; make amends for those misdeeds and move forward in a positive manner. Yes, sometimes it seems very bleak but my family is most important to me and I don't want to leave them permanently; I want to live life.

The second article I found was on the state of the prison system in California. The reason I was researching this subject because in the next few years I want to know how I will be spending my days. This was a suggestion by my therapist and he told me to find out everything you can about the prisons so I would be mentally prepared when the day comes. This particular article does not speak highly of the prison system in California. There are some striking quotes; "There's California and then there's the rest of the country," said Michael Jacobson, the director of the Vera Institute of Justice in New York and the former head of New York City's jail system. "California has used policies that show no evidence of effectiveness; all they show is high cost," said Jeremy Travis, president of the John Jay College of Criminal Justice in New York City. "The state is the poster child for corrections policies that have no benefit to public safety.''

I always thought of California as a progressive state which leads the way in cutting edge policies and technology. California maybe home to Silicon Valley but it penal system appears to need an overhaul when a state like Louisiana (no offense to those who reside in Louisiana but I never thought of Louisiana as a cutting edge state when it comes to the penal system) is far ahead in how they treat criminals in their state.

Here is an article from the Attorney General of Louisiana and how they treat compulsive gamblers who commit crimes. This is their answer to the overcrowding in the prison system; give people tools to learn from their mistakes so not to repeat those mistakes. This seems like a very humane way to treat people and it looks to be working very well.

Finally I would like to touch on the Judge from Vermont who sentenced a child rapist to 60-days in prison. Yes, you read that correctly 60-days and no it was not a one time incident it happened over 4 years. First I must say the sentence does seem very lite and it may have been a little stricter. I came across the Judge's comments in regards to the sentencing; here are some of them; "The one message I want to get through is that anger doesn't solve anything. It just corrodes your soul,. The judge said that when he began 25 years ago, he handed down tough sentences but now believes "it accomplishes nothing of value." "It doesn't make anything better; it costs us a lot of money; we create a lot of expectation, and we feed on anger." Here is the final sentence from the Judge; Cashman, therefore, issued a 60-day sentence and ordered Hulett to complete sex-offender treatment when he gets out or face a possible life sentence. You can read the entire article here.

Again although the sentence could have been more strict this Judge has some very valid points. Anger does NOT solve anything in fact it makes matter worse. Does revenge have a purpose? I don't believe it does because what really does revenge solve? Because you get back at someone for something they did do you feel better? In the big picture how does society benefit for these actions? Is our prison system failing and should there be some new programs? It seems to me some states other than the state of California are trying some different things because the old way does not work. I believe the cost to house one inmate in the California Prison System is $60,000; how much does it cost to rehabilitate that prisoner? I would guess it can be much less than $60,000 a year.

I know there are some people that want to make an example of me for what I did and I can't blame or fault them for their views because it is their views. I believe I am a good person with an illness and I am finally doing something about this illness. I do know it is a lifetime illness and I must continue to do the things I have done in the past ten months each and every day in order to continue to live this positive life with a clear positive purpose. Am I a threat to society? The Judge will have the final say in this matter. I do know I have so much support from so many fabulous people that I know no matter what happens everything will work out for the best.

Disease of Compulsive Gambling

I know there are a few people who come to this blog looking for help with either their compulsive gambling problem or a loved ones compulsive gambling problem. Here is a very important link in the battle with this addiction Gamblers Anonymous. Please go to the meeting directory and find a meeting in your area. Please go to the meeting and give the Program at the very least 90 days. If after 90 days you feel it is not helping please find something else but the one very important point is to NOT gamble. Whether it was the casinos, racetracks, sportsbooks, lottery, day trading (yes, this is a highly addictive form of gambling), sportbook or whatever your vice do NOT gamble because it will always get WORSE if you go back gambling. The only way for it to get better is to NOT participate in that activity.

Another very important point is the addiction to gambling is a lifelong battle that does not go away. I can speak with great knowledge on this subject because at an early age (16) I was hooked into gambling and although there were periods in my life I did not gamble it has always been with me and each time I returned to gambling it became worse. Yes, it is a progressive disease. Yes, it is a disease and in fact the state of Pennsylvania has categorized compulsive gambling as a disease as they get ready to introduce slot parlors in the coming year to this state. What this means to the residence of Pennsylvania is that anyone who is diagnosed with a compulsive gambling addiction will be able to receive treatment which will be paid for by the state of Pennsylvania.

This is a very large step in the "labeling" of compulsive gambling because many people believe it is a disorder not a disease. You may ask what is the difference and I really have no idea, I can take an educated guess but I will leave that to people much smarter than myself. What I can say is an addiction of any sort seems to me to be a disease of the brain. Does it have something to do with the dopamine receptors in the brain? Is the brain of a compulsive gambling wired differently from someone who is not a compulsive gambler? There has been some very limited studies on these questions and the answer appears to be yes.

One interesting case in the past few months was with the drug Miraplex which is taken by those suffering from Parkinson's Disease. Some of these people on this medication became compulsive gamblers because the drug interacts with the dopamine receptors in the brain. Hopefully, someone will do a study on how this drug interacts with the brain of someone who is NOT a compulsive gambler to the brain of the compulsive gambler. I would guess there should be some similarities.

I saw a preview for the show Intervention which will air on the A&E Channel this coming Sunday at 10:00 pm. This particular show is about a young lady (24 years old) who is addicted to heroin and alcohol and she also has a five year old daughter. Now I know there are some people out there that may say we all get what we deserve but no one and I mean no one deserves to go through the pain this young lady was going through. Why doesn't she just stop maybe the cry from some people but I know much like myself who had no clue as to how to stop this lady appears to be headed for certain death.

Her family arranges an intervention (hence the name of the show) and it is all caught on camera. I had tears in my eyes as I watched the preview and I don't know if I can watch the entire program because to me it was gut wrenching. It was gut wrenching watching this young lady interact with her five year old daughter. I know she loves her daughter so very much but her disease was destroying her and her family. I don't care what anyone says no one deserves this and I pray this lady makes it through rehab but more importantly I hope she gets the tools in rehab so when she gets out she can live a life without drugs and alcohol.

There are many keys in my recovery with my compulsive gambling addiction and I have highlighted them these past 10 months. The most important one is to continue living each day one day at time and cherish those people who have stayed with me through this entire ordeal. I understand what I have done requires punishment and no matter what the courts order I will continue to recover from my compulsive gambling addiction one day at time.

Two Sides

Today started out with me entering the courtroom for the umpteenth time and for the umpteenth time nothing happened. My attorney was absent so nothing could happen and I go back again in two weeks. It is interesting because today was supposed to be a "big" day in the course of my case; however; for some reason my attorney was not able to make it to court. This has only happened once before because my attorney was in trial with another case. Usually his secretary or his investigator tells me why my attorney could not make it but for some reason they did not tell me anything as to his whereabouts. I am assuming he was in another trial case because he has been straight forward with me for these past ten months and I wouldn't expect anything different.

Yes, it was supposed to be a big day but the big day will wait another two weeks. As I walked through the parking lot at the court I noticed two television trucks and thought to myself this is odd because in all the times I have walked through this parking lot I have never seen a television truck. As I entered the courtroom I saw a camera at the end of the courtroom and this was the first time I had seen a camera in the courtroom.

My attorney had an associate stand in for him to ask for the continuance so I met this other attorney as I walked in the room. I need to take a step back because it is interesting how the judge, assistant district attorney and my attorney can all have substitutes stand in for them but I am ordered to come to court at the necessary time each and every time or I will be in contempt. It is interesting because even though I know nothing will happen I must be there to say yes I waive my rights and will come back in a few weeks. It would be nice to send someone in my place but this is the lot I have drawn for myself and one of those things I have accepted because it is out of my control.

Getting back to meeting the attorney who was standing in for my attorney and the cameras in the courtroom. I met the attorney who I have met before and I must say he is a very nice man. He motioned for me to come to the back of the courtroom and we spoke briefly. He mentioned about the cameras and had asked someone else why the cameras were in the courtroom and who they were for; he was told the cameras were there for my case; just wonderful. The cameras were from the local television station and when I say local television station I mean LOCAL television station. In order to receive this television station you must own an over the air antenna because it is not shown on the cable network nor is it shown on the satellite network so I don't know how many people actually get this channel let alone watch this channel.

But nonetheless they thought my case merited some news attention and were there. I guess they didn't know nothing was going to happen and when my case was called and I could see them filming out of the corner of my eye but as fast as my case was called it was over just as fast. I think they were disappointed because I am sure it took them longer than one minute (which is how long I stood in front of the judge) to set the camera up and take down the camera because it was over that fast. I could see them filming me as I walked out of the courtroom but no one stopped me and asked me anything and I wonder if they will be back.

That was the bad part of my day but one part I have accepted because I caused this myself and no matter what happens I am getting better and will get through all of this a much better person. The reason I am getting through this and will be a better person is due to the Gamblers Anonymous Program. Tonight we had the first Gamblers Anonymous and GamAnon (for those affected by compulsive gambling) joint meeting. My wife has been a loyal of GamAnon the entire time I have been going to Gamblers Anonymous (10 months) and this was the first time the GA members and the GamAnon members were in the same room at the same time.

I had my doubts about this meeting because the GamAnon membership has been lacking in the past few months and sometimes it has been my wife and one other member but I am happy to report the meeting tonight was a success. My sponsor and a very long standing member in GamAnon chaired the meeting and much like every GA meeting I have gone to in the past 10 months I felt better after the meeting then I felt before the meeting. I gained a great deal of respect for the GamAnon people because they have taken the time to understand the addiction of compulsive gambling and in the course of understanding the addiction they are there to help themselves through their fellowship.

I know my wife had a hard time going to these meetings early on because I was the one who created this mess and why should she have to go to a support meeting. I am so happy she attends these meetings because they much like the GA meetings are making a difference. There are great people in the GamAnon fellowship and they truly want to help other members. I know it is making a difference with my wife because she was obsessing with what to bring to the meeting and decided to make a zucchini and banana bread; also she was very concerned that we had coffee at the meeting so I telephoned a GA member and the GA member was kind enough to bring the coffee pot to the meeting. It may only be coffee but it is the essence of each of these programs people helping people. This is what the world is all about and sometimes all of us get caught up in the dealing grind and sometimes life doesn't go our way but deep down there are so many more GOOD people in this world than bad people. I am so blessed to be surrounded by these GREAT people.

There were two sides to my day and both sides were caused by my inability to recognize I have a gambling addiction. I am so glad I have recognized my gambling addiction and I do know I will never be cured but I am so happy to have arrested this addiction with the help of the Gamblers Anonymous Program and now I know the GamAnon Program has helped my wife as well. In every bad situation comes good and I continue to see the GOOD each and every day.

Oh the Not Knowing!!!

Last night was the first night in a very long time I didn't sleep at all. This used to be the case when I was gambling and in fact I remember going on business trip to Salt Lake City last February to attend a banking conference. It was at a five star resort and the room I was in was absolutely beautiful but for some reason (I know those reasons now!) I didn't sleep a wink the two nights I was there. Last night I kept looking at the clock radio and first it said, 11:58, then it said, 12:18, then it said, 1:06 then 1:47 then 2:17, then 3:09 (I think I slept 30 minutes there) then 3:33 then 4:02 then 4:24 then 4:56 then 5:15 then 5:38 then 6:06 then the alarm went off at 6:30 and it was time to get up.

I know I had so many things on my mind that I just couldn't sleep. The theory goes I can not control any of these things so I need to let it go. Apparently I still have some work to do in this area because letting go of the unknown is very hard. What I am trying to do is prepare myself for the worst (my mother's theory) and hope for the best. However; I don't know what the worst or for that matter I don't know what is the best. I do know I am ready for whatever it maybe because the waiting and the unknown is really taking its toll on me. It really is too bad that the courts don't take this waiting into consideration because it really is the worst part.

I have not spoken to my attorney to discuss the report so I still have no idea what really is going on. I do go back to court tomorrow; however; nothing will happen because my attorney has another case and cannot make it so we will ask for a continuance. I have lost count as to how many continuances I have had but everyone tells me the longer the case goes the better it will be for me.

Again, these things I cannot control but I can tell you the longer it goes the worse it seems to get. There seems to be a new surprise every few months and none of the surprise have been favorable. I did this to myself and to my family and I will take those consequences when they come like a man but in the meantime I will continue the "Serenity Prayer" and I know one day it will hit home with me.

Thank God I have very positive support from so many people it truly is amazing. I did a bad thing but I am not a bad person and all these people who are my positive influences keep reminding this constantly. I do have so many blessings in my life that I do know whatever the courts decide everything will work out for the best.

Distasteful

In the category of distasteful and down right offensive comes a reality television show from Fox Reality Channel called "Double or Nothing". The concept of the show has one person gambling EVERYTHING they own on one spin of the roulette wheel. The contestant must choose red or black and if there color comes in they win and if it doesn't they lose everything. According to the article (which can be accessed here) the contestant tries to double their net worth on one spin of the wheel and if not they literally have nothing. Yes, this is extremely distasteful and the Fox Reality people appear to be "cashing in" on the poker craze by coming up with an insane show centered around roulette.

For a compulsive gambler like myself this would actually be a good show (if they lose) because the end would come so much sooner. It would take out the middle man of all the lost time because a spin of the roulette wheel usually takes thirty seconds and in some cases (like mine) this lost time can be 20 plus years!!! The real problem with this show is if the person does actually win and doubles their net worth. Would they expect it each time? Would they frequent the casino more in hopes of owning it someday? Who knows but I do know as a compulsive gambler those dreams are insane and are not REALITY. Gambling for me leads to bad things win or lose and it took me 20 plus years to figure it out.

Today started out as a very good day. I was still on a "high" from yesterday's full Gamblers Anonymous day and meeting the esteemed Arnie Wexler. I had a great workout this morning; the best workout I have had since the Las Vegas Marathon last month. I got home; did some things checked my case on-line to see if the Probation Report had been finalized and saw that it had. I telephoned my attorney and he told me to stop by his office to pick it up.

For some reason my good mood from yesterday had all but disappeared as I made the seven minute drive to my attorney's office. I knew the report would have some things in it I wouldn't like but I kept reciting the "Serenity Prayer".....God grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I can NOT change. I can't change a thing in this report because yes, I did most of those things there are some things I clearly do not understand but the main things I do understand I accept full responsibility for my actions.

As I drove over with my son in the car I kept reciting the Serenity Prayer. We entered the office and picked up the report unfortunately my attorney was not in so he could not explain the full report to me but I had to read it anyway. I spent the next 10 minutes in the parking lot with my son saying "Dad come on let's go". As I read the first page it became clear to me that information I had received last week was misleading. I had heard something which I couldn't really believe because it was too good to believe and I was right.

I am preparing for the worst which will be four years at state prison; however; the more I read the report the more confused I became. The Probation Officer wanted to recommend one thing but the victim (my former employer in fact there was only one quote which was from my former boss) was recommending something else. The victim considers the dollar amount immaterial; however; the real issue is emotional, for all the employees who were effected by the abuse of trust and respect the defendant (me) perpetrated upon them, there should be a very strict penalty because of this abuse.

I can't argue with that statement because that is how someone feels and it is a personal belief. What I can say in my defense was when I discovered what I discovered I was incapable of making the right decision because of my gambling addiction. My gambling addiction gave me a warped sense of reality. I know this is very wrong but at the time I didn't know what was right, wrong, up or down. Some may say this is a cop out or I am just blaming it on the compulsive gambling. It is not a cop out it is the truth and I do take responsibility for those actions.

If my former employer wants to make an example out of me as deterrent to others than so be it. I think a better way to make an example out of me is to help all those who have a compulsive gambling disorder like myself. See my former employer is not new to the compulsive gamblers and there business some may say depends on compulsive gamblers.

What I did was wrong and I will suffer the consequences; however; I want to help others with this same addiction. This why I attended and passed the California Council on Problem Gambling Counselor Training, this is why I attend three some times four Gamblers Anonymous Meetings a week, this is why I help host an on-line support group for other compulsive gamblers, this is why I stay in constant contact with the leaders in the field of treating compulsive gamblers, this is why I am going to get my Masters in Psychology so I can further assist others with a compulsive gambling problem, this is why I agreed to do an interview with Al Roker and appear in the Al Roker; Kids, Cards & Dice Program, this is why I agreed to do another interview with a Los Angeles CBS radio affliate on the consequences of compulsive gambling. In fact I have received so many calls and emails from fellow compulsive gamblers after viewing and listening to those shows who told me they were so grateful to here my story and they decided to get help with their gambling addiction. Yes, some good has come of my bad situation.

Yes, I know this report is the beginning of what will be the end of this case. Yes, I was a little disappointed but I will not give up no matter how much time I have to spend in prison because my life without gambling is much more fulfilling than it ever has been with gambling. I will continue doing the right things each and every day which means listening to my Higher Power, living with a purpose, loving my family and learning.