Six More Weeks

Like the groundhog who saw his shadow on February 2nd and went back into his hole and surmised there will be six more weeks of winter I was given six more weeks of bonus time!!! Maybe not the best analogy but I like the simile of the six weeks. Yes, today I went back to court for the 24th or 25th time (I have lost count!) and found out I will be going back to court (yet again) on July 12th for sentencing (God willing) along with the one unresolved issue which has held up the sentencing these two past times.

Today we resolved one of the remaining open issues which was proving the dollar amount of restitution. The Prosecution had subpoenaed many people and was ready for a lengthy discussion; I believe he said it should take four or five hours.

My wife and I arrived at court around 9:00 am only to have to sit there until 11:30 am. Finally at this time the restitution part of my case commenced. The person who I haven't seen in over one year was there to testify against me or rather this person was there to tell the facts as they understood them. Yes, this person was my old boss and was someone I considered a friend. It was difficult seeing him in this role but I knew I put him here so I had no right feeling bad for myself. I have stated this over and over again; I created this mess and so many other people have had their lives altered because of this mess and I am truly sorry.

This morning as my old boss was testifying as to the facts in the case and yes, they are the facts which I haven't disputed since the beginning. I realized this would be reliving the almost two year hell I went through while I was compulsive gambling and stealing to feed this compulsive gambling. I didn't like the way it was going because yes, I would have liked to have the total dollar amount of restitution come down but that would have meant denying allegations which were true. I firmly believe in the Gamblers Anonymous Recovery Program and when Step Ten says; Continued to take personal inventory and when we (me) were wrong, promptly admitted it. I was wrong to have my old boss and old friend on the stand because I did this horrible crime there is no denying these facts.

After about 30 minutes of testimony we had to break for lunch. I spoke with my attorney at length and decided we shouldn't go any further with this restitution hearing because it would have done me no good in the eyes of the judge. Yes, maybe the judge would have knocked a few dollars off here or there but the end result is the same I stole the money whatever the amount.

Some may think of this as giving up without a fight but I look at this as the doing the right thing. Let's face it this has dragged on long enough and I didn't need to sit there for five hours and hear the things I have already confessed to. I have plead guilty and I didn't need to rehash old wounds. I am all for making amends (which will include prison time and paying back the restitution) and moving forward not backward with my life.

I know my wife feels I have lost today but it is not about winning or losing it is about making the right decision and finally I am starting to make the right decisions in my life thanks to my recovery Program. I felt so much better after making this decision because it gets me one step closer to finally putting this terrible chapter of my life behind me and I can really start living without anything hanging over my head.

Where to Start?

I don't know where to start? I was going to post a very heartfelt thank you to everyone for their tremendous love and support; however; events of earlier today have changed this post a bit. Although I do thank everyone for their love and support and I have had a wonderful extra forty days of "bonus" time I must report that I will still be around after tomorrow. Yes, you read that correctly I will still be around even though I was due for sentencing and few other matters tomorrow in court. There is still one unresolved issue which cannot be resolved and will not be resolved tomorrow due to some unforeseen circumstances so the sentencing cannot take place until this issue will be resolved.

I will not know when the next court date will be but I will find this out tomorrow. Tomorrow the only issue that will be discussed is the restitution amount. I have no idea how long this is going to take if it actually does go off but if it does I foresee a great deal of paper shuffling. Also; at this hearing will be two people who I have not seen in over one year and I apologize to them in advance for putting them in this situation. I was hoping to avoid this situation because it is not going to do anyone a bit of good no matter the outcome but the powers greater than me deemed it necessary to go through with their testimony.

I was a bit devastated by the news that I am not going to be sentenced tomorrow but at a later date. I do understand this is all out of my control and my Higher Power is not ready for me to be committed to prison. I know there is a purpose for all this madness but at the time I was given the news I felt my heart drop once again like it did forty days ago.

I doubt if the powers that be have any idea how all these delays are affecting me and others or if they even care. I suspect they are doing their jobs and caring is not part of the job description. But I can report that I have participated in 5 marathons and I have not felt this drained and tired in any of those marathons like I have when I received the news that I will NOT be sentenced yet again. I had to hear this news four times to have it finally sink in. When is it enough? I don't know when but I will keep doing what I have been doing in these past fifteen months which is enjoying and embracing each and everyday.

It looks like I will be given some more "bonus" time and hopefully I will get to see my daughter's end of the year class play on Thursday and my son's recital on Friday. These are true gifts in my life and although I thought I didn't believe I had a chance of seeing these events it looks like I may.

The hardest thing is explaining all of this to my eight year old daughter. She had it written on her calendar that I would be leaving on May 31st and my wife told her this evening that I will not be leaving tomorrow. She was filled with questions some of which my wife answered some she could not but when I got home from my Gamblers Anonymous meeting I did speak with my daughter and reassured her that everything is going to be okay. She was happy to hear I wouldn't be leaving tomorrow but she did want to know when I would be leaving. Unfortunately I cannot answer this question until hopefully tomorrow.

When I received this news from my attorney this afternoon I promptly got home and made many telephone calls because not getting sentenced tomorrow not only affected me and my family but 20 plus friends who were scheduled to attend the hearing. I called mostly all of them and apologized for the inconvenience because there was no reason for any of them to attend the restitution hearing. Everyone was very understanding even those who had taken a day off work so they could attend the hearing. I have had such fabulous support and now I am messing with their lives. I feel like the boy who cried wolf!!!

This will be the second time and it marks the upmteenth delay in my case. I believe the saying is justice is blind but they should also say justice moves at a snail's pace. I don't know what will happen after tomorrow in court but I do know I will continue living my blessed life one day at a time. Again I am so very sorry for all of the problems I have caused but I thank everyone for being so wonderful and helping me maintain my sanity. Because without all of these wonderful people in my life I would have gone insane by now and done something stupid. I don't intend to do anything stupid I intend to keep living a life with a positive purpose.

Ordinary Days Become Extraordinary

My wife and I woke up this morning to house that was all to ourselves. I reported yesterday that our dear friends were kind enough to have our children sleep-over their house last night so this morning we had a house without any children. This does not happen often and it seemed a bit odd. Usually my son comes into our bedroom around 7:00 am and he climbs into bed with us but not this morning because he was not here. I did miss that and I do know there is tomorrow and the next day for him to display his unbelievable affection at this early part of the morning. I do look forward to that but I did enjoy this morning lounging around with only my wife.

We did "sleep" in to a later time than we usually do and we took our time this morning. It was an ordinary morning but sharing it with only my wife made it extraordinary. I did have a chance to get in a workout after our morning lounging around and this may sound very trivial to most people but it is something I look forward to. I enjoy all facets of my life for the first time in a very long time and I look forward to more and more enjoyment as the days pass by.

There were some more extraordinary moments on this ordinary Memorial Day 2006. When I came home from working out my children had arrived home with our dear friend and their children. They were playing in the pool and we had a barbecue lunch. After lunch I put on my swimsuit and made sure I went swimming with the children. I played with all four children and it was wonderful. The weather was perfect, the water warm and the kids were having a great time and so did I. This afternoon went by so very fast but I enjoyed every moment of it.

Then it was time to attend my Monday evening Gamblers Anonymous meeting. We added this meeting in February of this year and it is only an hour meeting. The meeting starts at 5:00 pm and ends at 6:00 pm without fail. It is a little different than the other meetings but it is still a great meeting. This meeting is a topic meeting which means the chairperson picks a topic and the sharing is centered around the topic.

Tonight I had the honor and privilege of chairing the meeting and my topic was powerlessness. The first step in the Gamblers Anonymous Recovery Program is admitting we are powerless over gambling and our lives had become unmanageable. I was certainly powerless over my gambling and my life became a mess. When I first admitted I was powerless over gambling I didn't realize I was working this first step because I admitted this when I was found out at work. I said; "I am a compulsive gambler and I am powerless to gambling." I had no idea what this meant at the time but a few days later and now a year and three months later this little phrase along with a few other things has saved my life.

There is also more powerlessness in my life due to my gambling which is my legal situation. All of this is out of my hands and in the hands of one person the Judge. The Judge will decide on Wednesday how much time I will serve to make amends for my actions. I cannot control anything the Judge says or does and you know what; this is okay. Because I know my Higher Power is watching out over me and my family and whatever is said on Wednesday will be for the best. I caused this mess and yes, I am doing everything in my power to ensure this never happens again and to make amends to all those I have hurt.

I do know that on Wednesday my recovery does not stop even though I will be placed in prison. This does not give me an excuse to do something stupid this only enforces what I have learned in the past fifteen months. I have learned so much and continue to learn and this does not stop no matter where I spend the next few years. I will keep on doing what has worked so well over the past fifteen months and even though there are not Gamblers Anonymous meetings in the California Prison System I will find another 12 step program and attend these meetings and who knows maybe somewhere down the road I will be given the opportunity to start a Gamblers Anonymous meeting.

I am powerless to gambling and to my legal situation which does NOT mean I am giving up on myself. Rather the opposite I am giving it up to a power greater than myself so I can have strength to live every day with a positive purpose and to NOT gamble. I have found out what a Higher Power means to me and this means I am not alone no matter where I am. I maybe in a holding cell for days by myself or with one other person but I will be protected and guided to the proper path as long as I keep the faith. Keeping the faith to me is working the Program and this is a daily event performed one day at time.

Switching gears; tonight I gave my son a bath which could possibly be for the last time. I don't remember when exactly it was when I gave my daughter her last bath but I do remember she was five and half years old when she started taking showers and washing herself. Somewhere along the line my son will start taking showers and washing himself in the near future and in all likelihood when I come back he will be doing this so I thought to myself this maybe the last time I give him a bath.

Also; as I laid him down to sleep I thought this might be the last time I read to him because in a few years just like my daughter did he will start reading to himself. My these children grow-up so fast and it really is a wonder how great they are. Both of them are great children and no matter where they will be for the next few years I know they have the love of their mother, grandmothers and all of the extended family to get them through this transition period. In all that love they will have mine as well. It maybe from a distance but no matter where I am I will never stop loving them.

Yes, today was a seemingly ordinary day to most people but to me it was an extraordinary day because of all the blessings in my life. I have so many blessings from my family to my old and new friends. I love each and everyone one of you and thank you all for the tremendous support you have given me and my family over this past year. You are all very special people to me and no matter where I am I will have all of you with me in my heart.

Awesome Days

Last month when I was scheduled for my sentencing I had a reporter ask me if I was willing to be followed and chronicled for the few days leading up to the sentencing date. This reporter thought it would be interesting to their readers what someone would be doing a few days before getting sentenced to prison. My first reaction to the reporter was; you are going to be really bored because nothing interesting is going to happen. These few days won't be any different than the year and few months that have preceded it. The reporter still wanted to do the story because they thought my "routine" or "normalness" would be very interesting. I respectively declined because we were having family in for the sentencing last month and I thought this to be a little intrusive upon them.

This time no family is coming in for the sentencing for a number of reasons; one being they put so much into the last visit and came away very frustrated they didn't want to put themselves in this position again. A few other factors are money and distance; all of my and my wife's relatives live an airplane ride away and the logistics are very tough on them. So this time it will only be my and my wife's extended family attending the sentencing which has served us very well in this past year.

Getting back to the reporter that asked me if they could follow me around before the sentencing last month; no, they have not asked to do the same thing this month probably for the same reasons my family is not coming for the visit; the sentencing maybe another false alarm. My attorney is doing everything in his power to ensure the sentencing does go off on Wednesday and hopes to have other matter wrapped on Tuesday so we can just focus on the sentencing and me moving forward into the next phase of my life.

These past few days heck the last one year and three months leading up to the sentencing day have been awesome days and they have been filled with blessings. Take today for instance; I was able to play with my son all afternoon while my wife and daughter were out doing "girl stuff". My son and I had a great time playing in the pool and playing games. He is a great kid and when I look into his big beautiful blue eyes I just melt knowing I will miss the next few years of his life. However; I do know what I have now is incredible and I am enjoying each and everyday because I will not get to share this type of quality time with my son for some time to come. It was a great afternoon.

This evening our very dear friends were kind enough to invite our children over for a sleep-over so my wife and I could have a "date night". We are so blessed to have such kind, generous and wonderful people in our lives and I am more and more amazed at how great some people can be and these two friends have been nothing but outstanding.

Our "date night" was very tame we went to a local Mexican restaurant for dinner and came home to watch a movie on DVD. I just wanted to share some quality time with my beautiful wife because things will be changing ever so rapidly this week. We won't have these types of nights for a very long time and I enjoyed this evening immensely. Even though it was a very low key evening we had a great time because we shared the evening Sharing these experiences with my wife mean the world to me because in the past I took all of this for granted. Now I know all of this can be taken away from at a moments notice. I love my wife dearly and know no matter what happens no one can take this love away from me.

Damage

The telephone rang at 6:30 am and usually when the telephone rings before 8:00 am it can't possibly be good news. I looked at the caller ID and instantly recognized the telephone number. I thought something bad physically had happened to one of the two people this telephone number belong to. Fortunately I was wrong nothing physically happened to either person but there was still damage which is emotional.

The telephone call was warranted because I have caused this person so much emotional harm and other types of harm I deserved the questions that were ask. The good news for me was I had nothing to do with this situation but I have messed up so bad with this person that it will take a very long time to rectify if I can actually rectify the damage I have caused this person.

I do realize this is the beginning of a very long road to recovery for not only myself but for those I have harmed. This person this morning who called is a very dear person to me and there is nothing I can do or say to undue the damage of the past. I can only work on today and ensure I don't cause any damage ever again. The wreckage of the past will haunt me for a lifetime but it really is okay because I inflicted this damage on myself and others. I deserve any suspicious questions and I will answer any and all questions to the best of my ability which will be performed with honesty.

I screwed up a very special relationship due to my compulsive gambling and it will take more than one year in recovery from this addiction to make amends. Hopefully someday I will be trusted again but if I am not that is okay as well because I cannot control any other person's thoughts only my own. I will continue to work my recovery to the best of my ability and I do know my life has gotten so much better and will continue to get better as long as I stay in recovery.

After receiving this telephone call my wife asked me if I were okay and I replied yes. Yes, I was okay because I will continue to get these types of questions asked of me for a very long time because of my previous actions. My previous actions have given me and others some very serious consequences. I am facing those consequences but I do feel so bad for those that have to suffer consequences because of my actions. They did nothing wrong but they have to deal with some unpleasantries caused by me. I apologize for all the problems I have caused and I am doing everything in my power to ensure this does not happen again.

I was very fortunate to attend my last Saturday morning Gamblers Anonymous meeting for a long time. It really is a very special meeting to me and this morning was very special as well. We had a full room and it was so nice to see everyone again. There was so much love, experience, strength and hope I am so honored to be a part of this fabulous fellowship. There are great people in those rooms and this morning was not an exception.

The inspiration I receive from this meeting is extraordinary. I will miss this meeting and the people in the meeting but I do know I will take all that I have learned with me on my new journey. This love that has been experienced for the past 15 months is incredible and I love everyone in the fellowship because they have given me my life back.

Not Quite

This morning posed a bit of a dilemma for my wife and me. There was a breakfast at my daughter's school thanking all the volunteers for their service and support during the school year. Both my wife and I have volunteered in my daughter's class and were invited to this breakfast. However; my son also had a function at his pre-school at the same time. I decided that it would be better to witness my son's function even though I was very interested and thankful for the breakfast.

My wife decided to go to the breakfast with my daughter and I decided to go see my son's recital. I am not sure if recital would be the proper term but I think it fit some what. My son's pre-school class were performing two songs in front of the entire grammar school. Unfortunately the weather did not cooperate this morning. As we approach the month of June which is commonly known as "June Gloom" here in Southern California we had an early dose this morning. "June Gloom" means the clouds (some say smog but we are still far enough away from the bigger cities to have smog) hover around to early afternoon presenting a gloomy affect. This morning we had the gloomy affect accompanied by little drizzle right about the time my son's class were to take the stage for their recital.

Now the stage was outside because the performance was for the entire school and fitting the entire school (1,200 students) inside would have been rather uncomfortable not too mention a fire hazard as well. So the principal of the school decided to postpone the performance until next Friday. Unfortunately for me there is a very strong probability that I will be unable to attend this performance next Friday so I was a bit disappointed.

I had hoped to add another memorable moment to my memory bank but it didn't quite happen. I did have the fortune of watching my son interact at his pre-school for about 40 minutes as we waited for the decision on the recital. This was fascinating because my son whom I believed to be a strong follower did not display this characteristic. I am not sure I can categorize him as a leader because he seemed reluctant to take this role.

My son's pre-school is made up of 24 four and five year olds and my son is five so he is one of the oldest one's in the class. He is also one of the taller students in the class so he stands out height wise as well.

For some reason or another the other students have taken a real liking to him because as he entered the classroom everyday just like today there were at least six or seven fellow students who called out to him. I thought the students did this to everyone who entered the classroom but that was not the case as I stood in the classroom this morning. My son seems to be reluctant to take the leadership role because as the students called out to him he seemed to ignore them. I don't know if this is a shyness (because in all things he does he is NOT shy about anything) or an aloof characteristic. I know I have been called aloof many times in my life and I am trying my hardest to shed this bad character trait so I hope he this is just a phase for my son because after all he is only five years old.

One of the funnier moments came when a few girls where calling out to my son and wanted his attention. My son did everything in his power to ignore them and ensure the other boys in the class were fully aware he was ignoring the girls. There is nothing worse than a five year old boy acknowledging a girl!!!!

It was truly remarkable witnessing the dynamics of four and five year olds and I was so happy to have been given this great opportunity. Yes, I was disappointed I didn't get to see my son perform his songs but I believe I made the most of a disappointing moment. I have learned life is filled with little moments and I must enjoy all these little moments because soon they will be a thing of the past and today is all I have so I must embrace what I am given this very day.

After staying at my son's pre-school class my wife and I were having lunch with my daughter at her school. This week was parents have lunch with their child at my daughter's school. All week long on designated days the parents would bring lunch to their child and sit and eat lunch with all the students in that particular grade. For some reason my wife and I missed the designated day for my daughter's second grade class which was Tuesday so the make-up day was today. We brought lunch to my daughter which was a surprise and it is so nice to witness these surprises because my daughter's eyes light up every time she seems my wife and me when it is a surprise. She was so happy to see us and gave us big hugs as we brought her lunch.

We sat and ate with her and 200 other second graders at the lunch table. I wouldn't label it a "quiet" lunch but we had a great time none the less. Yes, it was hard to hear each other but that didn't matter. The fact that we were all together sharing an experience was what matter most. These shared experiences I will treasure forever because they mean the world to me. My family means the world to me and yes, I will miss them terribly but time will pass soon enough and we will be together for a very long long time. When we are finally together for this long long time we will all be a better family because I know I am becoming a better person as each day passes.

Days and Weeks Pass

Page seventeen of the Gamblers Anonymous Combo Book is the best page in this seventeen page book and that is not to say the other sixteen pages are bad but this last page tells me the compulsive gambler what I need to do in order to recover. This page has seven suggestions or rather directions for recovery. They are great directions and the seventh one states; "BE PATIENT. The days and weeks will pass soon enough, and as you regularly attend meetings, abstain from gambling and follow the guidelines on this page, you will experience continued recovery." This statement is so very correct because the days, weeks, months and now a year has passed so quickly it is truly remarkable.

It seems like yesterday I was sitting in the courtroom hoping to hear my fate when I realized that this wouldn't be the day. I was given a forty day reprieve and now I am on day thirty-five and I am wondering where those days have gone. The days are so filled with living and enjoying life that they go by so quickly. I am so happy to finally take a breather and enjoy each day because they are truly gifts from my Higher Power. Each day brings more gifts and blessings which I am so thankful for.

I know in five days I will embark on a new journey. I am looking forward (maybe that is not the correct word) rather I am anxiously awaiting the start of this new journey. I know it is not going to be easy but if I continue doing the things I have been doing in the last 15 months I know those days, months, weeks, and years will pass soon enough and I will be back with my family before I know it.

This new chapter in my life that I started fifteen months ago has been tremendous. I have met so many great people, started a new way of life and realized I can live a wonderful life without gambling. I have also learned it is so much better to be honest with everyone including myself because the self-deception was killing me. I do know that if I didn't embark on this new way of living I would have been dead. The way I used to live was no way of living it was just existing. I don't just exist I live life. Living life is so much better because there are so many blessings and joys in my life it is truly amazing.

It is so very strange how an adverse situation has made me a very peaceful, serene, content and positive person. I owe all of this to the Gamblers Anonymous Program and my beautiful wife. I take strength from each one and each one gives me hope everyday. I am grateful for the Program and I am blessed because my wife is such a special person. Life is wonderful and I know no matter what lies ahead life will continue on being wonderful as long as I stay in recovery which I intend to do one day at a time.

Here is another news article in regards to compulsive gambling and what it makes people do. This is one of the more unusual cases because I have not seen one like this in the past but it certainly does not surprise me. What seems to be a blessing for this young man is that he seems to have been caught early on before it really got out of control. Also; I was very thankful to read this man has entered into the Gamblers Anonymous Program and I pray he stays in the Program and works the Program. This Program as I have said numerous times has saved my life and hopefully it will save this person's life as well.

Very Special Day

Today was one of those very special days in my life and I am so happy to have been given this "bonus time" so I could experience the blessings in my life. The day started out with "Parents & Pastries" at my daughter's second grade class. My daughter's class has been planning this day for over one month and it was a day to celebrate mother's and father's day. Last month when my daughter's teacher first announced the date my daughter was very sad because she thought I would not be able to attend. I didn't think I would be able to attend because I would have been away on my self-imposed "vacation"; however; my Higher Power was not ready to let me go just yet. My Higher Power wanted me to experience some more blessings in my life so I was given the opportunity to experience these blessings and experience this very special morning.

The "Parents & Pastries" Day was meant for only mothers and fathers so no siblings could attend. The morning was devoted solely to my daughter as my son was at school. It was a wonderful morning the children in my daughter's class performed two songs; the first song came from the animated movie "Tarzan" called "You'll be in my Heart" written and sung by Phil Collins. The children did a remarkable job with their performance. I would be remiss if I didn't share the words because as they performed the song I had tears in my eyes, here are the lyrics;

Come stop your crying
It will be all right
Just take my hand
Hold it tight
I will protect you from all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry
For one so small,
you seem so strong
My arms will hold you
keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry
'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be herein my heart always
Always

As I listened to these lyrics and watched my daughter I tried not to completely breakdown. All of my family is so very special and knowing that next week I won't be around for an undetermined period of time really hurts. This song hit me particularly hard because I am the one who will protect my daughter (and family) but my illness (compulsive gambling) got the best of me and will cause me to miss a significant part of their lives. I know I am so much better today than I have ever been and I thank Gamblers Anonymous for this.

However; no matter how much I work my recovery it still hurts knowing what I have done to my family. Because of my compulsive gambling my family will pack up the rest of the house next month and move 3,000 miles away. They are moving away because it is the best thing for my family. I wouldn't be truthful if I said it didn't hurt because it really hurts. I know I cannot have a pity party and must deal with what is ahead of me in a positive matter. I am trying and I know whatever is ahead of me I will get through it and so will my family and we will all be better for it. We are already better than we were over 15 months ago and it will keep on getting better as long as I stay in recovery which I intend to one day at a time.

It was a very heartfelt emotional morning and I am so blessed to have experienced this. I am a blessed man with a fantastic family and I am forever grateful for their unconditional love and support.

After the gathering at my daughter's school my wife and I headed home. While I was at home I received an unexpected telephone call from my attorney's office. My attorney's office called and asked me to come in and see my attorney which is very unusual. So after setting the appointment for tomorrow I called my attorney directly and asked him what he wanted to see me about. He talked about some old business regarding my case and he also brought up something that was very unexpected.

This unexpected news was a pleasant surprise but I won't go into any details until I see him tomorrow but I can say it made me feel so much better and I actually felt a weight lifting off of my chest. With this news I do believe next Wednesday will be the final day because everything should be settled by next week. I don't know if I will post more tomorrow but I will be able to sleep this evening knowing this news.

This evening continued this very special day because my wife who is a member of Gam-Anon was celebrating her one year birthday in the Program. It has been a truly remarkable journey over these past 15 months and I owe most of it to my incredible wife. She has not only supported me but she joined a 12 Step Program designed for those who have been affected by compulsive gambling. Boy has my wife been affected by compulsive gambling and she has been a faithful member for little over one year.

Tonight was a joint meeting between Gam-Anon and Gamblers Anonymous to celebrate my wife's one year birthday. There were great people in that room who came to support my wife. My wonderful GA friends were there in force to support my wife and by supporting my wife they were supporting me as well. Also; the tremendous people in the Gam-Anon Program were there to show there support for my wife. There were great things said about my wife and I am forever grateful for her positive inspiration and incredible support.

I put this poor woman through a horrible ordeal that will not end anytime soon yet she stays positive and focused. She is a great mother, wife, and my best friend. I love her so very much and I am so proud of her. I know we will continue to get through this horrible ordeal and finally get to start living a life. It is not going to be easy in fact it may get worse before it gets better but I do know everything will continue to work out for the best. I have faith in my Higher Power to guide us through this rough time so we can become better people. I know my wife has become a better person and so have I; with the support and unconditional love of our fellowships we will be able to get through anything.

Today was a very special day in so many ways and I am so thankful to have been given the opportunity to experience all these blessings. Today I got to spend a quality morning with my wife and daughter and tonight I had the honor and privilege of celebrating my wife's one year birthday in a very special Program. Life is not about accumulating wealth; it is about happiness and today was an incredibly happy day in so many ways.

Final Thoughts on Third Article

So very sorry I am being long winded about those articles on problem gambling but each one has touched me in many different ways. The third article titled; "Problem Gambling Draws Sporadic Help;" goes into the lack of funding for problem gambling and some very horrific stories. The poor woman in Kansas has been crushed by compulsive gambling in so many different ways. Her son a casino pit boss was arrested for stealing to support his compulsive gambling habit and is now serving a prison term in Nevada; her mother in her 70's had to declare bankruptcy because of her compulsive gambling addiction and if that weren't enough her brother committed suicide at the age of 37 due to his compulsive gambling addiction. You can read more about this woman here and here.

Is this really the cost of doing business for the casino companies? Maybe and maybe this is an isolated incidence but Ms. Bassett certainly would not agree. Can the casino companies, state governments and federal governments prevent these things from happening? Probably not but as the article states there is NOT much money earmarked for treatment and awareness of problem gambling.

In fact there has been ZERO DOLLARS spent by the federal government on research and treatment for problem gambling; grants from the federal government for problem gambling are non-existent where grants for alcohol and drug treatments are available. States have spent $35.5 million on problem gambling as opposed to $2.5 BILLION on drug and alcohol research and prevention. If you consider how much money the states take in from legalized gambling; $20.9 BILLION and they are spending .0017% on prevention, education and research. That is not 17% or not even 1% but much less. This is a horrifying statistic.

I know the PR machines of the casino corporations and the Native American Tribes with gambling point out they spend much more on their own but it amounts to window dressing and just makes them look good. They can say they are doing something about the problem as opposed to 25 years ago when the Tobacco Industry was pushing cigarettes on our youth so they would have lifetime customers the Gaming Industry is taking the high road (wink, wink, nod, nod!!).

Like I mentioned yesterday this is (gaming) an industry which is very powerful and run by some very intelligent people. The state governments make a ton of money off of legalized gambling revenues so for us problem gamblers it is an uphill battle.

I can only speak for myself because having worked in the gaming industry and being a compulsive gambler I saw first hand how problem gambling was treated. We made sure the nice pamphlets were available and the posters with the 800 Problem Gambler number were posted but other than that there was no mention of problem gambling. It was sort of like the Army's policy on homosexuals; "don't ask and don't tell".

I fell victim to my own addiction and I take full responsibility for those actions. For me this has been a lifelong battle which I denied for all of my adult life. Now I realize through honesty, an open-mind and willingness that I can live a life without gambling and it is a very good life. However; there are so many people who have only been gambling for less than a few years because they got sucked into the slick marketing and the initial winning phase that find themselves in desperation.

I don't know the real numbers of how many compulsive gamblers there are in United States and I don't know how anyone can do a valid survey to come up with these numbers because if someone asked me when I was gambling if I were a compulsive gambler I would have told them no way because I was a liar. Most if not all compulsive gamblers will lie so they can stay in action and if someone has a telephone survey and randomly surveys 1,000 people at home in regards to their gambling habits chances are the percentage of problem gamblers will be very small.

You see problem gamblers do not give straight answers so the survey would be flawed. Maybe a better experiment would be to stand outside a casino after 2:00 am and survey the people coming out; I would venture to guess the prevalence of problem gamblers would be very high and if they lied to the person doing the survey they should watch them go into their car and pound on the steering wheel.

Obviously; I don't have any real answers other than more money has to spent on research, treatment and education. The gaming industry is so very strong and nothing will penetrate them. There is my friend Keith Whyte; Executive Director of the National Council for Problem Gambling in Washington D.C. who does an admirable job but his resources are so limited there is no way he can make a solid impact unless he has more funds. I don't normally subscribe to theory of throw more money at the problem but in this case so little is being done more money appears to be a step in the right direction.

All three of these articles were very good but for some reason they didn't seem to get national attention. I found them in a few newspapers across the country but most of these newspapers were not in major markets like; Los Angeles, New York, or Chicago. I am impressed at the research done on all of these articles and I look forward to a more meaningful discussion in the months to come. Somewhere down the line a prominent politician in some state will be touched by problem gambling either themselves or through a family member and then we will see a movement in the proper direction for research, treatment and awareness of problem gambling. But until that time Ms. Bassett who has been blasted by problem gambling will continue her crusade to all that will hear her on the extraordinary pitfalls of problem gambling.

Thoughts About the Articles

Yesterday I posted two more articles by the same author in regards to problem gambling. The first article titled; "The Invisible Social Cost of Problem Gambling;" has some very salient points. One point is extremely telling; "Commit or attempt suicide. One in five, according to the National Council on Problem Gambling, a rate experts say is higher than for any other addictive disorder." This is a very scary statement and exhibits the despair we problem gamblers go through. When all the ammunition (which is money) runs out and all the lies have caught up with us where do we turn? Some unfortunately turn to suicide which is NOT the answer. This is a horrible addiction but one that can be dealt with. This is not easy but for me it is the only way I know how.

Through the Gamblers Anonymous Program I have learned more and more about myself and I know I am a good person much like everyone else who enters those rooms. I have a very bad problem which needs to be addressed and I know I cannot do this alone. Through the GA Program I do not have to do this alone and I am forever grateful for those wonderful people. If there is someone out there who is on their last rope and doesn't know where to turn please go to the Gamblers Anonymous Website and find a meeting in your area. If there isn't a meeting in your area please call 1-888-LASTBET and speak with Mr. or Mrs. Arnie Wexler they will guide you to where you need to go. There is no reason in this world for anyone to take their own life because life is worth living and living without gambling is a great life.

Another interesting point in this article was the National Gambling Impact Study which was performed in 1999 and stated their should be a moratorium on any new gaming sites until further studies could be completed in regards to problem However; no new studies have been performed and the gaming sites specifically in California and on the internet have exploded over the past seven years. I guess it all goes back to the almighty dollar and those who have it seem to make the rules which is not a bad thing but it is ashamed that so many people have to suffer with this awful addiction.

One last item from this article referred to the annual National Council on Problem Gambling put on by the National institute for Problem Gambling and how there was a discussion in reference to "Junk Science and Conventional Wisdom" concluded that "it's a myth problem gambling is widespread. It's a myth stats on problem gambling are readily available. It's a myth the known number of problem gamblers is just the tip of the iceberg." I had the privilege of attending this conference back in December of last year and sat in on this discussion and felt it was all just "smoke and mirrors". There was no substance to any of the discussion just a positive spin by the National Council to tell everyone they are talking about problem gambling.

Let's face it; casinos and gambling are going nowhere and they are here to stay. Casinos make their money off of people and will do almost anything to keep the top 20% of all gamblers coming back. This includes psychological tactics, emotional tactics and fundamental tactics. This is how the casinos earn their money and I certainly cannot begrudge them for this in fact I made a great living from this industry for a long time.

However; I became one of those statistics of the problem gamblers and no I was not enticed by psychological, emotional or fundamental tactics. I was enticed by my insatiable need to place the next bet. I was hooked on gambling without all the "smoke and mirrors". I did unspeakable things to make that next bet but now I know this is a HORRIBLE way to live. I am happy to leave this life behind. I have one more hurdle which is part of me making amends. This amends is paying the consequences of those horrible behaviors by being incarcerated.

Yes, I lost my career, home, car and all of my liquid assets but I did not lose my family and my life because I chose to do something about my addiction. I will become one of the positive statistics because I know through the GA Program I can arrest my disease and recover with dignity in a positive manner. I am so thankful I did not lose my life because my life now is so much better than it has ever been.

Step Twelve

Before I get to Step Twelve of the Gamblers Anonymous Recovery Program I wanted to post two stories which relate to the story I posted on Friday. In fact these stories are written by the same author and they are the second and third part of a three part series. Here is second part of the series titled; "The Invisible Social Cost of Problem Gambling," and here is the third part titled; "Problem Gambling Draws Sporadic Help." These two article like the first article are very well written and extremely informative.

Hopefully this will set off a serious discussion on how more money needs to be earmarked for the treatment and awareness of problem gambling. Gambling is not going anywhere and I believe it is in the best interest of the gaming companies, Native American Tribes and governments to ensure people are getting the help they need to recover from this horrible addiction. Yes, I know this is a big business and lots of money is made by all three of these factions but maybe some good will come of these articles.

On to Step Twelve of the Gamblers Anonymous Recovery Program; Having made an effort to practice these principles in all our affairs, we tried to carry this message to other compulsive gamblers. This seems to be the most popular step because most people who enter the Gamblers Anonymous Program once they start feeling better want to spread the message to other compulsive gamblers who still suffer. I know this was my thought early on in my recovery. However; I was reminded the best way to carry this message is to be an example through my own actions. I can never impose my will on anyone because this would be counter productive to the GA Program.

First I must be committed to the GA Program which means working the Program. Working the Program means (to me) going to meetings; at least one meeting per week but I have been averaging a little over 4 meetings per week in this past year which doesn't make me special it just means I have the time to go to more than one meeting per week because this Program is my medication against my illness (compulsive gambling). Also working the Program means having a sponsor; I had a sponsor my second week in the Program mostly out of necessity due to my pending legal problems and people near and dear to me thought I may do something stupid; however; I am so grateful for my sponsor because my sponsor has gone through a very similar experience and they have been in recovery over 15 years.

I have spoken to my sponsor at least five times per week over the past year and although we really haven't gotten into the Steps (we have only covered the first three Steps; officially) my sponsor has helped me tremendously. I realize early on that my sponsor is a GREAT person and truly knows what is best for me so I have listened intently and I have learned so very much.

I did realize that I may have one "official" sponsor I have many "unofficial" sponsors. These "unofficial" sponsors have been a very big positive influence on my recovery and even though some of my unofficial sponsors may have little time in the Program they have helped me as much and sometimes more than my some of my other "unofficial" sponsors who have many years in the Program. Early on I wanted to be surrounded by people who truly understand what it is to RECOVER from this horrible addiction and I have found so many of these people that I am truly blessed.

Another integral part of working the Program is participating in the Program. It can mean as little as helping to set-up for a meeting to becoming a Secretary at a weekly meeting. This is part of the 12th step giving back to get so much more. I have set-up for meetings, gotten coffee, donuts, Co-Secretary for a meeting and volunteered at Intergroup. I am so happy to do all of these things because it helps my recovery. I remain accountable to myself and the Group which is all part of my recovery. Accountable is tantamount to my recovery because before I was not accountable and it led to despair now I am more accountable than I have ever been and it is wonderful.

Another part of my 12th Step work is telling my story. If my story helps one person get help that may have not gotten help than I am helped. I know my Higher Power has a very exciting plan for me and this plan is already in place. I have so much more hope and faith than I have ever had in my life and I owe it all to the Gamblers Anonymous Program. I know this journey has been very rocky but by working and applying all 12 of the Recovery Program Steps in my daily life there seems to be a certain type of peaceful serene feeling over me. I know this comes from the Program and as long as I work the Program peace and serenity will fill my life each and every day.

Finally; there you have all twelve steps in an "unofficial" format. I am by no means done working these Steps in fact I have barely begun. I have only been in recovery for almost fifteen months which makes me a baby in the world of recovery but it is a very good start. This is a lifelong process which needs to be repeated one day at a time. I know I will work the Steps in an "Official" sense in the coming years with my sponsor and I look forward to this but I do know I can NEVER EVER get complacent about my recovery because I am one bet away from that slippery slope of death. I must be mindful each and everyday and by doing all these things I am becoming the person I am destined to be.

Final Soccer Saturday

Yes, today was the final game of the soccer season for both my daughter and son. It has been a truly amazing time over these past few months. I have enjoyed the games and I have enjoyed watching my daughter and son improve as the season went on. Today the times of their games were very convenient; my daughter was first at 11:00 am and then it was my son's turn at 12:00 pm.

My poor daughter feels so much pressure and it comes from herself. She is very competitive and she is so hard on herself. She had a very tough time this morning during her game. She tried so hard to finally score a goal and she had two good chances but she could not connect. Also; she only played half the game as opposed to last week where she played the entire game. This week all 10 players showed up and most of the kids only played half the game but it was so hard on my daughter because she wanted to score a goal more than anything. She was very sad when the game was over even though her team had won the game and she played very well; the one she wanted more than anything else was to finally score a goal and unfortunately it did not happen.

My wife and I certainly do not put any pressure on my daughter because God knows my daughter puts enough pressure on herself. In fact my wife and I try to alleviate this pressure by praising my daughter for all that she had accomplished. She sat crying at the end of her game and I tried my best to console her but she wasn't hearing anything I said. She is a GREAT child and I love her dearly and I just want the best for her which is why it is so hard to watch her beat herself up. Hopefully, she will understand in a few years that soccer or just about anything is fairly insignificant in the grand scheme of life but I know this concept took me almost forty years to learn and I am still learning more and more as each day passes.

As we watched my son's game my daughter was still in a fairly bad mood when she said; "Jonathan (her brother) scores 100 goals and I can't score any." Again, I told her she did a great job this season and she got better and better as each game went by. I also told her she will score a goal because she is determined and committed to finally getting that goal but I also told her to try and have fun. I know she may not have understood this nor wanted to hear this but it is truly remarkable how much pressure she puts on herself for an 8 year old daughter.

I also know that she is going through a very hard time with my pending departure and her pending move. She is in a little turmoil but hopefully some type of normalcy will return before she knows it. I also understand the next few years will be very difficult for her and I really screwed up so I won't be able to be there for her during this time period. But I do know her mom my wonderfully amazing wife will guide her through this tough time and she will be fine.

On to my son's game; my son didn't score seven goals this week he only scored three goals and actually had an assist. The assist means he passed the soccer ball to a teammate who made a goal. This was the first goal scored by someone other than my son in a very long time and I was very impressed my son passed the ball. He has an instinct to shoot no matter where he is on the soccer field and my wife has named him the "ball hog". It is not that he is a ball hog but he just gets to the ball more times than his teammates and has more opportunities to shoot.

His team has gotten so much better over the past month it has been amazing. They have only played with four players which means there are no substitutes and those players play the entire game. Yes, they are only five years old but the progress and the fun these kids have is contagious especially seeing my son so enthusiastic about the game.

The games were great and I am so sorry to see the season end for a few reasons. The kids were getting better even though my daughter may not think so and this soccer season most likely marks the last time my children will play soccer in Southern California. In all likelihood they will be moving to New Jersey to start a new chapter in their lives and I will be away for an as yet undetermined period of time. But I do know that when my time is up I will be with them no matter where they are because having my family together means the world to me and they will play soccer and other sports no matter what state we live in.

Changing gears very quickly I ran across yet another article on how compulsive gambling can destroy a life. As you can see from the article it is an all too familiar story. Compulsive gambler steals to feed the addiction. Fortunately for this lady the judge has an understanding of addictions and recognizes she needs help and also she needs to make restitution. I guess this judge understands this lady has been punished already and needs help with her addiction and prison will serve no purpose. I pray this woman is truly working her recovery because I know by truly embracing my recovery life has gotten so much better and I love this life of being a compulsive gambler in recovery.

Finally in that article there was a quote from the mayor of the small town; "This is a very smart woman who over a period of five years out-figured the rest of us," Aplikowski said. "She could have, in my mind, figured out how to get some help. Even from the beginning, she knew what she was doing was wrong." All I can say is I guess this mayor has not been associated with anyone with an addiction.

I know for myself it was like an out of body experience and something took over me to make those same horrible decisions. Again; that out of body experience was mine and mine alone but I was compelled to keep making those bets no matter the consequences. I could not step away and take a breather; I had to continue the madness until the bitter end. It would have been great to just stop and say I am a compulsive gambler and I need help but I didn't realize this until it all came tumbling down on me. Now I am ever so grateful for being a compulsive gambler in recovery and I look forward to each and every day because each day is a gift from my Higher Power.

Follow-up

Yesterday I posted a very long but very well written article about how gambling affects millions of people. I was very impressed with this article because as the title states "gambling begets millions of affected addicts". I am one of these addicts and I am so very happy to say I am not only addicted to gambling which makes me a compulsive gambler but now I am a compulsive gambler in recovery. I fell victim to the gambling lure at a very early age and this has stayed with me my whole life. Now I know through my recovery there is a better way to live and I am enjoying this new way each and everyday.

There is a fascinating quote in the article from a compulsive gambler; "When we're gambling, we will lie, we will cheat, we will steal from everybody," he said. "It will take you places you never thought you would go." I know this happened to me because I lied to everyone including myself and I cheated so many people in so many different ways and I stole from many people. Also; yes, it has taken me to places I would have never thought of ever going to in a million years. This is all part of the consequences of compulsive gambling; however; everyone needs to know there is a much better way to live and it is a life WITHOUT gambling. In this life there is no lying, cheating or stealing. There is only honesty and open mindness. This way of living is wonderful and everyone should try to experience it.

It is obvious after reading this article gambling is not going anywhere it will only grow more and more. Every state except for two (Hawaii and Utah) has some form of gambling and as of today anyone with a computer can gamble anywhere and anytime at an online casino or sportsbook. As an aside; it is interesting that Hawaii and Utah do not have any form of legalized gambling and my suspicion says it has to do with religion. Both states are very religious and steeped in tradition; maybe it is a moralistic value. Also; it is very interesting that the United States Senate has considered a bill to outlaw internet gambling.

A little slice of irony I would say or is it? Maybe (now this is the cynical side of me) it has to do with money. Gambling is a very regulated industry and now it is an extremely powerful industry; I guess those gambling companies don't want the internet to cut into their profits or they are trying to figure out a way to get a piece of the internet gambling market but they need to do so in a way that does not make them look like predators. Again that was me being cynical but I can seem a glimmer of truth in those words. Statistics in the article don't lie; gambling takes in almost $136 billion (that is billion with a B!) a year yet spends only $35.5 million (that is million with an M!) on awareness and treatment. I wonder what the figures are for alcohol and drugs? Could it be more than $35.5 million? Probably.

A compulsive gambler cannot get their insurance to pay for treatment because even though compulsive gambling is a recognized mental illness by the American Psychiatry Association it is not defined as such in the Americans with Disabilities Act so insurance companies will NOT pay for treatment. Yet alcohol and drug treatments are fully covered. Will this change? Probably, because as gambling has gone more and more mainstream more and more people will be affected thus forcing some type of legislative action.

One very distressing quote came from the political well connected American Gaming Association's Executive Director; "But we haven't had any certainty that what we do as an industry has really met any scientific scientific test as to whether it works or not." This is a frightening comment; this well connected arm of the gambling industry does not know if they are having an impact at all on helping people with their compulsive gambling addiction. Yes, I do understand personal choice and personal responsibility which is why I have taken full responsibility for my actions. However; there needs to be corporate and governmental responsibility because these are the ones reaping the rewards from gambling. Also; shouldn't the government ensure people are getting the help they need?

I could go on and on with my opinion in regards to this great article but I will wrap this up. As I wrap this up please remember I spent 12 years in the gambling/gaming industry and I have been in meetings where senior executives have stated that they didn't care if Mary came in with the welfare money or the last dollar to feed the baby. They went on about how this is a personal choice and we (Casino) can not police personal choice. Now I am not saying this happens all the time but the thought is to turn a blind eye and I would be the first one to say I had agreed with them because I never thought of myself as a compulsive gambler. Now I completely disagree because unfortunately in the beginning it was a personal choice for me; however; it escalated to a need and I would do anything to satisfy that need. I know now that I cannot live this way or it will kill me and I am so very happy to be living a life without gambling.

I am not saying all casinos or forms of gambling should stop people from gambling compulsively. Rather there should be more facilities and more money available for the treatment and awareness of the pitfalls of gambling. Afterall gambling is an extremely profitable business for all the owners and as one spokesperson said in the article it is in their (casinos) "best interest" to keep gambling fun and to not market to compulsive gamblers. Or is it??? Keeping along those lines here is another article which illustrates how far a compulsive gambler will go to stay in action.

A very HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my nephew and godson; I hope you had a great day; HAPPY BIRTHDAY Bobby!!!!

Comprehensive Article

Below is an extremely comprehensive article regarding gambling and the problems associated. This maybe one of the best articles I have ever read on gambling. It is not biased and just states facts. The author does not take sides and I was impressed by the article. I am posting it in its entirety and it is very long. Please take the time to read it and tomorrow I will give my opinion (for whatever that is worth!). Here is the article;

Gambling begets millions of neglected addicts

By Denise Jewell
CNHI News Service

Bryant Northern had the world at his fingertips three years ago as a walk-on guard who won a full scholarship at basketball powerhouse University of Louisville.

He dreamed of deadeye jump shots, March Madness, even a pro career.

But the 6-foot-tall Northern also had a hidden problem: an addiction to gambling. Caesars Indiana, the riverboat casino across the Ohio from Louisville, had been his happy hangout since high school and his scourge. A run of lousy luck found him short of money and in trouble with the police.

Now 23 and a college dropout, Northern was sentenced on March 6 to five years probation for trying to cash stolen checks in Kentucky to pay for his gambling habit. He still faces burglary charges in Indiana, and a possible prison term.

Jim Chesser, 55, a former Louisville bus driver, jokes that he was born on a card table, raised on a racetrack because of his parents love of bingo halls and horses. So when Casino Aztar opened in Evansville, Ind., in 1995, it was only natural he'd be a frequent patron.

That's when my recreational gambling crossed that invisible line to irresponsible, uncontrolled, compulsive gambling, Chesser said.

The dependency got so bad, he recalled, that he once stole $50 from his 16-year-old stepdaughter and blamed it on his 14-year-old stepson.

“When we’re gambling, we will lie, we will cheat, we will steal from everybody,” he said. “It will take you places you never thought you would go” — places that caused him to quit cold turkey eight years ago to save his fourth marriage.

Bryant Northern and Jim Chesser do not stand alone. Their stories are commonplace in a nation where legal gambling has spread from just three states 25 years ago to every state in the union, save Utah and Hawaii, as an engine of economic development.

The promise of easy, new money to create jobs, build schools, pay teachers, pave roads and finance other public services has triggered an explosion of casinos, racinos — race tracks with slot machines — and lottery games. The gambling industry has quickly become one of the biggest, and politically most powerful, special interests in the country.

There’s no doubt America is sold on gambling, with a payoff of $20.9 billion per year to state governments. What’s been overlooked in a nation of high rollers is the unintended human cost: the large and growing class of people addicted to gambling and whose lives often end up in ruin.

They are called pathological gamblers and critics of gambling say they get little attention or treatment because government and the gambling industry depend on habitual players to drive revenue.

“I don’t think it is conspiratorial in nature,” said state Sen. Susan C. Tucker, a Massachusetts Democrat who opposes a plan for racinos in her state. “It’s more that most government leaders understand the truth and simply close their eyes and look away. As for the gambling industry, it is in its self-interest to keep up the gambling.”

An indepth study by CNHI News Service into the cost, causes and consequences of problem gambling and what’s being done about it determined that:

Legal gambling in the United States is a $135.9 billion per year business, based on revenue figures provided by the states that allow it. That’s more than double the combined revenues of $50 billion annually from box office movies, recorded music, spectator sports and live entertainment. And it does not include online betting, which is in legal limbo.

About 70 percent of gambling profits come from 30 percent of the people who gamble, according to research by Prof. Earl Grinols, an economist at Baylor University. Frequency, Grinols found, is a crucial characteristic of profit.

- Poor people are disproportionately addicted to gambling, a study by the National Institute of Mental Health concluded. They are pulled by the lure to get rich quick. They are also the people who can least afford to lose money.

- Gambling addiction has swelled the homeless rolls in America. One in five street people say they ended up homeless because of money problems tied to compulsive gambling, homeless shelter officials say.

- The federal government, which spends liberally on public health studies and treatment programs for alcohol and drug addiction, has a passive approach toward problem gambling. Federal officials say it is the responsibility of the states even though addicts move freely between states and add to the cost of federal health-care programs.

- Compulsive gambling is not one of the several mental diseases defined in the Americans With Disabilities Act and thus treatment for addiction does not qualify for health insurance coverage. Alcoholism and drug abuse are covered.

- Social costs of problem gambling across the nation are estimated at a minimum of $5 billion per year, according to a federal study commission. The annual cost to society of each pathological gambler was pegged at $13,200.

- A pittance, or $35.5 million per year, of the gambling revenue is spent by government and the industry to educate people about the trapdoors of gambling and treat problem gamblers. Residential rehabilitation centers for gambling addicts are rare.

No government study has documented the precise prevelance of problem gamblers in the United States. Academic studies project the figure at anywhere from 2 percent to 5 percent of adults exposed to gambling, and higher for adolescents and teenagers.

By almost any measure, however, the numbers are in the millions and multiplying fast with the expansion of legalized gambling from state to state since the 1980s.

Dr. Howard Shaffer, director of Harvard Medical School's Division on Addictions, said three primary forces stimulated the growth of gambling: the need of states for new sources of revenue, development of resort entertainment and leisure destinations, and new techologies and forms of gambling such as electronic slot machines, video poker and multistate lotteries.

The most recent study of the psychoeconomics of gambling showed a significant increase in adult gambling in every demographic group, including women, in the past 20 years, according to Shaffer.

"It's everywhere, and it's only going to get worse," said Chesser, who said he's overcome his addiction and now helps others recover through Gamblers Anonymous. "That's because of the politicians. All they see is generating dollars from gambling dollars. They don't care who it hurts."

Casino companies, lottery commissions and public officials say they do care, and point to warnings and hotline numbers on the back of lottery tickets, TV ads that urge "responsible gaming," and Web pages that feature addiction tests and educational information to help gamblers detect problems and deal with them.

"We've done what the experts have told us to do, what seems to work for alcohol and tobacco and other addictive issues," said Judy Patterson, executive director of the American Gaming Association, the industry's lobbying arm. "But we haven't had any certainty that what we do as an industry has really met any kind of scientific test as to whether it works or not.''

Democratic Gov. Brad Henry of Oklahoma, an ordained deacon in the Baptist Church, said his state "with casinos, racinos and a lottery" has become mindful of its obligation to deal with problem gambling. His office said last year, for the first time, Oklahoma allocated funds for prevention and treatment, with $500,000 coming from the new lottery law and a similar sum from the slot machine fees at racinos.

"Governor Henry recognizes that most people who take part in the lottery and other legal gambling activities do so in a responsible manner," said Paul Sund, the governor's communications director. "But he also recognizes there will always be a group of people who become addicted and that they need help. To say we don't care about them because we like their money flies in the face of good government and good sense."

But advocates for problem gamblers contend even well-intentioned efforts to prevent and treat addiction suffer from lack of sufficient money. They also criticize the cozy relationship between politicians and the gambling industry, and the millions of dollars appropriated for advertising state-sanctioned gambling.

"State government is the promoter, the regulator and the beneficiary all in one," said Tucker, the lawmaker from Massachusetts. "It's like putting Dracula in charge of the blood bank."

U.S. Rep. Frank Wolf, R-Va., a longtime opponent of gambling, said that "20 years ago, no politican at any level wanted to be seen with the gambling industry people. Now, we go out and hold fundraisers with them."

Or, in some instances, accept largess from them, as witnessed by the admissions of Jack Abramoff, the disgraced gambling lobbyist.

Still, Wolf, Tucker and others maintain, the problem of gambling addiction goes largely unnoticed and untreated.

Statistics bear them out. While 48 states have some form of legalized gambling, 26 of those appropriate money for treatment, a CNHI News Service survey showed. And those that do spend only a tiny fraction of the revenue they get from gamblers on programs to help them. Yet most states spend millions on slick advertising and promotion campaigns to entice people to gamble.

A national gambling study financed by Congress in the late 1990s estimated that states spend about one-tenth of one percent of their gambling revenues on treatment and education programs for addicts.

"This is out of whack, inadequate and wrongheaded," said Tucker. "The very people who can't afford treatment are the same people contributing heavily to gambling revenues. They should get something in return.

"That's also why, she said, paying for government with gambling dollars is bad economics and bad public policy.

"For the states to get their few hundred million, their constituents have to lose a few billion," Tucker said. "It comes right from their pockets. This isn't magic money that falls from the sky."

Casinos and racinos are the fastest growing segment of the gambling industry. They boast row after row of slot machines, which Tucker calls the "crack cocaine" of gambling. State regulators report there are more than 700,000 slot machines in the United States and another 200,000 or so video poker, keno and other impulse games.

State lotteries offer their own opiate. It is called scratch-off tickets, and Massachusetts, with a variety of such games, is the national leader. It takes in $4.5 billion a year in lottery sales, with 70 percent of that from scratch tickets. Another 15 percent comes from keno, the fast-play numbers game.

But state lotteries, which got their modern-day start in New Hampshire in 1963 and now raise money in 40 states, were only a Trojan horse for casinos. Today there are 445 commercial casinos in 11 states, and 405 Indian casinos in 28 states on land owned by Native American tribes. On the plus side, they have helped revive several economically depressed communities, providing jobs and contributing to local taxes.

How did legal gambling as a way to increase government revenue get its impetus in America? Congressional approval of the Indian Gaming Regulatory Act in 1988 set off the gold rush. The law was born of a U.S. Supreme Court decision forcing California to negotiate with Native American tribes to establish casinos on tribal lands.

As Indian casinos proliferated, a handful of states joined Nevada and New Jersey in allowing commercial casinos. The payoff came from high license fees and contracts that included a handsome bite of the gambling pie. That caused other states too timid for fullfledged casinos to expand their lottery games, add video poker parlors and install slot machines at racetracks.

It didn't take long for gambling to move up the nation's business leader board.

Harrah's Entertainment is the country's biggest gambling company. It recently merged with Caesars Entertainment and now owns 39 casinos in the United States, with revenues of $8.76 billion a year, more than the annual budget of most states.

Harrah's advantage is its customer knowledge. It maintains a database of gamblers through a "Total Rewards" program that's like a credit card system. Players earn one point for every $5 spent on slot machines, and other points for frequent playing of table games. They can use the points for free meals, show tickets, iPods, high-definition televisions and other gifts. The idea is to keep gamblers happy and active.

But Joe Barrett, a vice president at Caesars Indiana, said the company also monitors its customer database to ensure that patrons don't get carried away.

"We look at gaming as a form of recreation and a place for people to have fun," said Barrett. 'We understand the responsible gaming part of it, and we take it very seriously, and we always have."

Yet Caesars Indiana was recently fined $38,500 by the Indiana Gaming Commission for sending marketing materials to nine addicts who had asked to be banned from gambling. The casino was fined $80,000 last year for similar violations. And other casinos in other states also have been fined for targeting gamblers who have admitted the problem and want to quit.

"There will be, I'm sure, in any system, those occasional slip ups, because it's humans putting the information in," said Judy Hess, a Caesars Indiana spokeswoman. "But we try very, very, very hard to have it just absolutely 100 percent correct. There's no upside to marketing to people who shouldn't be gaming."

That's not the way Wolf, Tucker and other critics of gambling see it. They claim the industry thrives on seducing gamblers of all means to return again and again.

Tucker said gambling companies are masterful at using public relations to show concern for compulsive gambling while masking its devastating social effects.

She said it is also a clever way to avoid the type of grief the tobacco industry faced from public health regulators in the 1980s and 1990s. They accused cigarette companies of not caring about the medical implications of smoking, resulting in endless lawsuits by individuals and states.

"The gambling industry has shrewdly learned from the experiences of the tobacco industry," Tucker said. "It was the public health community that drove the anti-smoking movement. The gambling interests want to head off a similar experience."

What's more, the Massachusetts lawmaker added, they are succeeding."Their PR is brilliant," said Tucker. "That was clear when they got people to talk about gaming instead of gambling. They have changed the nomenclature."

Denise Jewell is a CNHI News Service Elite Reporting Program fellow. She writes for the Niagara Gazette in Niagara Falls, N.Y.

Meaningful Studies

This has been a miraculous week in the Gamblers Anonymous Program for me. First it happened on Monday when a friend and me attended a meeting which has been struggling for a long time. I wrote about this on Monday because the more I think about the events of that day the more I believe there is something very special at work and I also believe it to be nothing short of a miracle. Tonight at our Gamblers Anonymous Wednesday evening Speaker's meeting another miracle happened. A very good friend of mine who has been in the Program a little less than one year spoke and it was a truly remarkable and moving speech.

I was so impressed with this member and I was so moved by their words. This may not seem like a miracle to many people but I remember when this member first attended a GA meeting last year; very bad things were happening and their mind was anything but clear. However; tonight there was clarity in their voice and the speech taught me how powerful this disease of compulsive gambling really is. It makes ordinary law abiding people do insane things all under the pretense of making the next bet.

I was just like this member and even though we couldn't be more different we are the same; sick compulsive gamblers. But now we are sick compulsive gamblers in recovery who are grateful to the Gamblers Anonymous Program for showing us a better way to live. It was a fantastic meeting and I am so impressed by this member; I am truly blessed to have these very special people in my life.

Yesterday I received an email and attached to the email was this story. The email had contained this text which read; "Of interest "rush of dopamine on immature brain can rewire brain circuits".Consider how affected you as a youth." As I read the story my first thought was I think this is great because meaningful studies are being done in regards to compulsive gambling and the second thought was I didn't expect Nebraska to be a state which led the way. Please no offense to Nebraska because I believe this study is the first step in the right direction and I apology to anyone who lives in Nebraska because it appears this state is definitely light years ahead of the state I live in when it comes to meaningful studies.

Getting back to the real reason I brought up this story; the person who sent this email to me is a leader in the treatment of compulsive gambling addiction and they wanted to know how this rush affected me as a youth. Yes, it is true and as I have written before my first real wager was placed at the age of twelve and I started betting sports regularly when I was sixteen. There was certainly a "rush" when I placed those bets but as the article implies my compulsive gambling gave me a warped sense of reality. In fact; I didn't know what reality was until 14 months and 19 days ago when I entered the Gamblers Anonymous Program.

All the gambling gave me was a sense of entitlement and sense of being all knowing and all powerful. This is not reality this lead to distortion of my thinking. Yes, for all intents and purposes on the outside I was a reliable, trustworthy, honest person but all of this gave way to the compulsive gambling demon. This demon made me unreliable, untrustworthy, dishonest and a thief. Please remember I place no blame on anyone but myself these were my decisions alone which were driven by my warped sense of being.

This warped sense of being was a train wreck waiting to happen and yes, it happened with full force last year. I am happy to report that they were injuries in that train wreck but none of them fatal because my distorted way of thinking gave way to something new in my life a real sense of being. I didn't want to live with this gambling addiction and I needed help with this addiction. I cannot do this by myself and I know I don't have to do this by myself. This past year and a few months have been incredible and there has only been growth. I am done going backwards and I know I don't have to live like I did for so long because there is a better way. This better way is with honesty, open-mindness and willing to change in a positive manner.

Yes, I am sure starting gambling so early screwed up the circuits in my brain for a long time but this does not give me the excuse to live this way forever. There is a much better way and slowly but surely my circuits are starting to be re-wired in the proper way. I know these circuits will NEVER be completely wired correctly and this is okay because as long as I don't go back to that horrible behavior and I work my recovery life continues to get better. I intend to keep doing this one day at a time.

Excuses

I could find every imaginable excuse to go and place a bet but what good would that do me? Absolutely no good!!! As I have written before there wouldn't be just one bet it would be many bets and it would not end up well. In fact it would end in tragedy and I certainly don't want this to happen which is why I chose to NOT place that one wager. Who would this tragedy hurt? It would definitely hurt me and definitely hurt my family. I don't wont to impose any more hurt on me or my family. I am done with this hurt. All I want to do is live in a positive manner and give my family the unconditional love they have given me which is truly extraordinary.

When I was gambling I didn't rationalize my betting with excuses I rationalized as opportunities which in turn was an excuse. I had to come up with reasons to place that next bet but now I come up with one reason to NOT place that next bet and it is called the Gamblers Anonymous Program. Over 14 months ago I had the great fortune of entering a meeting and it truly was the best decision in my life. I had no idea how to stop gambling and I needed help. I have found this help and so much more. I have made so many GREAT friends in this Program and discovered some great things about myself. I know I am not CURED nor will I ever be cured from this dreadful disease. However; that is okay because I accept the fact that I am a compulsive gambler and my life had become unmanageable due to my compulsive gambling addiction.

I also know that I can arrest this illness one day at a time and this one day at a time hopefully will become a lifetime. My life long journey with not dealing with this illness has not been good; however; this past 14 plus months battling this addiction and NOT gambling has been great. I have been given so many blessings in my life which I have taken granted for so long. I no longer take anything for granted because it can all end tomorrow. Today is my blessing and I enjoy each moment as my Higher Power delivers it to me.

Tonight I had a great moment at the regular Tuesday Gamblers Anonymous meeting. I was given the opportunity to chair the meeting and it was my honor and privilege to chair this meeting. We had a packed room and we are getting more and more people who are coming to the Program and staying with the Program. I am so very proud to be associated with this incredible Program and the incredible people in the Program. The meeting tonight had very positive energy. There was a very good mix of people who are new to the Program and those that have been around awhile. Early on in the Program there is usually a struggle but as I have moved forward one day at time this struggle makes way for great things.

I have been blessed in this past 14 plus months because not only have I gotten my life back special things are happening. I will touch more on this in two weeks. Now don't get too excited because these special things have nothing to do with my legal situation. That will be resolved in two weeks from tomorrow (hopefully!!) and whatever happens is going to happen. I have faith in my Higher Power that whatever the Judge says will be a step in the right direction. I can really start to live my new life and continue to enjoy all my blessings.

Getting back to that positive energy in the GA meeting; there was a comment tonight from a long standing member about this positive energy and this comment was eerily similar to a comment made from a brand new member at yesterday's meeting. I know I get energized in a positive manner when I attend any GA meeting. There really are special things happening to those who work the Program. I am so honored to be privy to these special things and being able to chair the meeting this evening always gives me great pleasure.

I am so very happy to give back to the Fellowship because I owe it to myself and the Program to stay humble and to do the things that are required to maintain my recovery in the best way possible. As I maintain my recovery I keep inching (literally!) closer to becoming that better person I so strive to become each and every day. I know I am getting better and I am so very happy to live a life with honesty and dignity one day at a time.

Transformation

The Gamblers Anonymous Program has been so very good to me in these past 14 and 1/2 months. Tonight I had the honor and privilege of accompanying a very good friend of mine to a GA meeting we don't normally go to. We first went to this meeting over one year ago and it is located about 20 miles north of where we live. This meeting has struggled over the years for numerous reasons but my friend had asked me if I wanted to attend this meeting one last time before I go on "vacation" (inside joke; this is how my daughter describes my pending incarceration; please keep in mind I told her I am going away because I did something bad but I never mentioned the word prison or jail). I answered yes, because it is so good for me to see other meetings and meet other people who are also dealing with their compulsive gambling addiction.

The meeting tonight was a very good meeting and I was impressed with a few of the members. This town is at a disadvantage when it comes to Gamblers Anonymous meetings because there is only one meeting per week so if the members want to go to another meeting they would have to make a conscious effort and drive about 30 minutes to the nearest meeting which would be in the town I live in. We have a tremendous GA group in my area and offer six meetings a week; everyday except for Friday which I am so grateful for. The meeting we went to like I mentioned has struggled over the years but I was so happy to see a complete transformation in the meeting and some of the members over the course of this past year.

I have gone to a few meetings in this town before and the last time I was up there was about three months ago. The meeting I went to three months ago was a little different but the meeting tonight was extremely good. There are some members who really understand the Program and how best to work the Program and thankfully some of these members have taken a responsibility to ensure the meetings are conducted each week. These are very special people who are working their recovery to the best of their ability and giving back so much to the Program. I am honored to be in such great company. I do learn so much each time I attend a GA meeting and tonight showed me there is so much hope in this world and really anything is possible.

The key concepts of GA are really very simple; DON'T GAMBLE FOR ANYTHING but some people like myself have struggled with this concept for so long. The key for me is to not make any excuses and to be honest. My life was messed up when I gambled and now that I don't gamble my life is peaceful and serene. Yes, there is some baggage leftover from my compulsive gambling but I am dealing with this baggage by NOT gambling and truly working the Program. Working the Program is a road map to my success. There are 12 steps in this road map and these 12 steps must be applied to my daily activities. I must be mindful at all times of my recovery because a slip could prove fatal. I have no intention of slipping because as long as I work the Program and look to my Higher Power for guidance I know life gets better.

I have seen many members transform in the short time I have been in the Program and it is really amazing. The look on a new members face is usually one of horror and anger but after being in the Program and working the Program this changes to happiness and serenity. I know I am so much more happier today and the Program has given me a great sense of serenity. I am thankful for the Program each and everyday.

I do hope to take this Program with me when I am away on "vacation" but if for some reason I cannot I know there are other Programs I can attend. The 12 steps are the key to my success and growth and I know I must work these twelve steps each and everyday no matter when I am. I am so thankful and grateful to this fabulous Program because it has given me my life back and saved my life.

Mother's Day 2006

I have been blessed in so many ways and having this "bonus" time is one of those many blessings. I was able to share this Mother's Day with my wife and family truly making the most of the day. I know last Mother's Day was a very big dud for my wife because we didn't do anything. This year I wanted to ensure my wife did the things she wanted to do. I know she wanted to go to church this morning and we as a family went to church. It has become very important to my wife to attend church and I was so happy to accompany her along with the children this morning.

Yes, we attended a Catholic mass because this is what my wife wanted to do. I still have some problems with the spirituality aspect of the Catholic service but the day belonged to my wife and I think she was very happy to attend the service with the entire family. As a quick aside; I did an inventory (I know I shouldn't do this because I should concern myself with ONLY myself but I couldn't help it) of the parishioners in the Catholic Mass. It really is NOT a diverse lot; either the parishioners were over 60 years old or they were Hispanic and Philippino descent. Please do not take this the wrong way I am not being demeaning or racist. This is what I saw as the majority in the congregation.

The one thing I must say about the Catholic mass is that it is very structured. I have been attending mass since I was very young and it doesn't matter if I am in New Jersey, California, Guatemala or Italy the masses are the same. There maybe little things that they do differently but the structure is essentially the same. Much like the Gamblers Anonymous Meetings structure is very important because we (I) as a compulsive gambler have lacked structure for so long going to a meeting with structure is essential to recovery and also comfort. The same can be said of the Catholic Mass the structure becomes comfort and I know my wife feels very comfortable in the Catholic Mass. I on the other hand like I said am still struggling with the spirituality of the mass.

Yes, I do have a Higher Power (God) but my Higher Power is not allied with any religious organization or sect. It is not male or female it is a being greater than me. My Higher Power does not judge and does not instruct me what to do it only guides me in the proper path and essentially it is up to me to make the proper decision. My Higher Power does not care if you are rich, poor, white, black, red, orange or yellow; it treats all like Human Beings. I don't know if this conflicts with the Catholic religion but I believe all religions had the same common goal early on which is getting in touch with a spiritual being and becoming a better person. Somewhere along the line we as humans have clouded this concept. Which is why I look to my Higher Power for guidance and so far in the past 14 1/2 months I have been guided down the right path.

So much for my aside; sorry!!! After church we grabbed some bagels and headed down to the beach. Me being me; I did not have a solid plan in place because my wife only said she wanted to go the beach. I didn't think it would be warm enough for the children to go swimming because San Diego beaches can be rather cool this time of year even though it was 85 degrees where we live it was only 67 degrees at the beach and also the Pacific Ocean is rather cold as well. We got to the beach and it was overcast as it usually is in San Diego and went for a walk on the beach as a family. The children immediately went towards the water where they played for a good 40 minutes trying to find sea shells and dodging the waves.

Yes, I made a mistake and should have taken the swimsuits for the kids so they could go into the ocean and really have a good time. I messed this up!! After finishing on the beach we went to the little boardwalk/park adjacent to the beach. The children wanted to go on some rides but the prices were ridiculous; $5 for one person to ride a roller coaster. Now I am going to date myself; I remember when it was only 50 cents for the same ride on the New Jersey Boardwalk. We talked the kids out of going on a ride and found a park where the could play for free. It didn't matter to either my daughter or son once they were at the park near the bay where they could play in the water and on the playground. My wife and I watched them go from the playground to the water and back again several times. I believe they had a very good time.

My plan was to find a very casual restaurant for an early dinner but somehow I didn't have any confidence in this plan so we headed for a fail-safe Italian restaurant not far from the beach. The wait wasn't too long and we all had a very nice dinner. My son and daughter are getting so big because I remember going to this restaurant not so long ago and asking for a high chair for my son but not anymore. He is able to sit on his own and cut his own food. My how they grow-up so quickly. Also I remember when it really was a chore to go out for dinner with the kids but now they behave themselves so well and I couldn't ask for a better daughter or son; these two are major blessings in my life.

Finally we headed home to watch the finale of "Survivor". Unfortunately for the children the final vote came much too late for them as tomorrow is a school day. We were able to enjoy the first half as a family. It truly was a great day and hopefully my wife shares my sentiments. As I wrote earlier my life is filled with blessings and today just like all the other days in my life; it was a blessed day.

I would like to wish all the Mothers out there a very Happy Mother's Day. I would like to wish my Mom a very happy Mother's Day because without you in my life I would be missing a HUGE blessing. Thanks, Mom I love you very much!!! Also; to my Mother-in-law thank you so very much for your love and support of not only me but the entire family. Finally, to my stepmother thank you for making my Dad a very happy person and please get well soon.