I'm Back!!

I am back from New Jersey. My brother-in-law's wedding went very well. The family had a great time. My four year old son looked so handsome in his tuxedo and my seven year old daughter was so precious in her flower girl outfit (maybe someday I will learn how to post pictures!!). The weather even cooperated which is a fete in and of itself in New Jersey!! The day was beautiful and it started to rain as we all sat down to dinner. The wedding reception was on the twenty-fifth floor and had gorgeous views of Newark and the Manhattan skyline. Amongst these views the newlyweds were given a wedding present from the Gods in the form of a double rainbow. The double rainbow was exquisite and the venue was stunning.

The wedding reception went well no one confronted me. Only one person said anything to me about my situation and it was in the form of a joke. In fact I didn't understand the joke until the person said good luck with everything. I did keep to myself which is nothing unusual. I was minding my four year old who passed out at 8:30 pm on my lap for an hour and half. I had a very good time.

There was only one run-in (if you will) with a family member. My brother-in-law (not the one that got married) had been holding something inside of him for two months and he finally told my wife. I would have never thought about this issue but once he brought it up it made perfect sense to me. I promptly apologized and hopefully we will move on from here. I thanked everyone for their tremendous support because without this support I would still be sitting in jail. I did have some low moments because I kept thinking about what I did and how I repressed the past. I know I am supposed to live one day at time but it is very difficult knowing what I have done and how many people I have hurt along the way. I did not intend for anyone to get hurt and it makes me sick thinking about what I have done. Also, I had plenty of warning about my addiction prior to my horrible transgressions but I chose to ignore them. I still have no idea why I chose to ignore these signs and get help but I was not ready. I had to fully self-destruct before I fully realized I had a problem.

My Father does not think I have hit rock bottom. I sure hope he is wrong because the next step is death and it wouldn't be a nature death. The GA book says; prison, insanity or death is where this addiction can lead. I have written this before but I will write it again; I have done the prison and I was certainly insane but I am not ready to die because I have so much more to give. I am not a horrible person. I made a horrible decision which lead into a life altering mistake but I will get through this and be the person I need to be.

It was wonderful to see my Mother. I didn't realize how special she was until a few months ago. She has her moments (don't we all??) and sometimes she tries to help too much but she has been nothing short of remarkable during this ordeal. I had to fill out a questionnaire for the insurance job last week and one of the questions was "who is your role model" and my answer was my Mother. I truly love her!!

I received a phone call today from Al Roker Productions and they are doing a show on the Poker craze and how it is sweeping up the young people in America. Al Roker wants to interview me regarding my particular story as a way of saying to these young people "see if you are not careful this can happen to you". I am not sure if I will do the interview because I have to check with my attorney first and because of my pending legal situation I do not want to cause any unnecessary attention. I will keep everyone posted.