Ups and Downs

How do you feel grief and happiness at the same time? I really don't know but I experience it all of the time. I am grief stricken when I think about what I did to my family and I am so very happy to have my family because they are wonderful. I had a conversation with someone yesterday that has caused me to think horrible thoughts. I guess this is part of the process, the ups and downs. Do I have no right to question people when they talk badly about my family? Does my current situation and the facts centering on what I did to my family preclude me from standing up for my family? Will I have to take what I perceive as insults about my immediate family because I have no rights for myself? I don't mind people talking badly about me to me or even behind my back but when they start insulting my family I must speak up. What I did was wrong and what I did to my family is almost incomprehensible; however; there was no intentional malice in my actions. I believe I have the right to stand up for my family and I do believe I have a right to stand up for myself.

I don't want to hide behind the fact that I am a compulsive gambler and will always be one. Twenty-three years of off and on gambling and certainly the last five caused me to be where I am today. I have always been a good husband, father, son, brother, uncle and friend. I am no different today than I was 3 months ago even though some people think otherwise. I would never consider hurting anyone physically or mentally; however; my actions have caused a great deal of emotional pain. This a very long process and I expect the ups and downs to come and go constantly.

I prefer positive energy and positive people. Ninety-nine percent of the people that I have spoke to are very positive and encouraging and it is amazing how the one percent can throw off the other ninety-nine. It is a temporary setback and I will keep moving forward positively. There is only one thing I like about my current situation and that is having my family together because without them I would be lost.