Reducing Emotional Stress

Yesterday evening I received my first ever New Year’s card. The card was sent by my very thoughtful sister. I had no idea there were even New Year’s cards but upon second thought there seems to be cards for every occasion so why not New Years! In the card was a very lovely letter and my sister wrote that she has once read the physical act of writing helps reduce emotional stress. This is why many therapists and 12 step programs advocate writing one’s own thoughts. It really doesn’t matter whether the letter is read or not, the key is the physical act of writing. I had not heard of this before but from my personal experience I can say this is very true. I have written thousands of pages in the almost past 3 years and each time when I am finished writing I always feel so much better. It is most certainly a release and is a therapeutic tool for me. My sister went on to say that she didn’t know if the same brain chemicals are released when typing but again from my personal experience I felt great after typing passages that is back when I could type. I do look forward to getting behind a computer keyboard because my handwriting is atrocious. I would have thought with all the writing I have done over the past 18 months my handwriting would get better but I think it has only gotten worse. I do believe my 6 years old son has better penmanship then me. Anyhow, whether writing or typing it has always been a release for me.

Speaking of writing I have planned on writing a book about my experiences. I have gotten as far as writing the outline but no further. I certainly have had the time but I have neglected this. I can only come up with lame excuses as to why I have not started writing and the first lame excuse is the fact that I have to handwrite if I were to start now. I do believe it would be so much easier (not too mention legible!) to type my thoughts as opposed to handwriting. Yes, it is a lame excuse and another lame excuse is the fact that the “spirit” has yet to hit me. I don’t want to force it just because I have the time. I want it to flow and when the time is right I will start. If it takes me 10 years to complete then so be it. I am not writing the book as a way of generating money. My intentions to write the book have always been to help one person. If it helps one person that would be great. Yes, not writing or starting to write the book has weighed heavily on my mind but I am still no closer to starting it. Oh well it will happen.

No much is happening. I received the lovely card and letter from my sister. I wrote 5 letters yesterday and had to borrow 5 more stamps. I am even running out of envelopes as I have only 3 remaining. I do have plenty of paper and pens so I can still write but they may not go anywhere. I am sure there are stamps and envelopes in route and worse case scenario I can mail everything out in 7 weeks.

Last night was more of the same as my roommate, I, and a few of our fellow inmates had a few discussions. My roommate and I rarely leave our room in the evening but sometimes we have visitors. Last night we had a few visitors and it is always good to listen. I try to learn from these discussions and this is usually the case. I learned that I am very fortunate to have so many loving and supporting family members and friends. I do know I have so many blessings in my life and my life continues to get better. I am very grateful for everyone and everything in my life.

I was tired last night and fell asleep quite early even by my standards. I had a few strange dreams which featured my roommate, my son and several people I did not recognize. It was a strange dream and when I woke up my mind was going. I couldn’t turn my mind off and thankfully these were all positive thoughts. I guess as I get closer to my release date it will get more difficult to turn off my brain. This isn’t necessarily bad because I am very excited to re-start my life. I do need to take it day by day which is the only way to arrive at my release date. This is a very exciting time but in the meantime I will continue with my daily routine. The rest of the day was the usual as I cleaned the bathrooms. I believe my replacement has been found and most likely one week to my release date the replacement will start. This would be a training period and really no training is necessary all anyone needs to know is how to clean. It certainly is not rocket science so I am sure he will pick it up quickly and for that last week I will have a helper. Until then I will continue doing what I have been doing.

I received my first issue of Runner’s World today and it is so nice they give out the magazines at 1:00pm instead of having to wait until mail call in the evening. I perused through it quickly (I will read it in-depth later) and I felt very motivated. My plan was to run 3 more marathons when I am released. I don’t know the feasibility of running the Los Angeles Marathon 4 days after I am released so it may have to wait until next year. There are costs involved and quite frankly I don’t have the extra money (Heck, make that; I don’t have the money!) Also I love the fact knowing my wife and children would be waiting for me at the finish line. This wouldn’t happen if I were to run it this year. I will see how it goes but I may just set my sights on the New York Marathon in November. I do enjoy reading Runner’s World and it was so thoughtful of my wife to subscribe to it for me as a Christmas present.

The only other interesting item I heard today was California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger released his revamped budget to address the states $14 billion deficit. The two notable items were public education would be cut by 10 percent which amounts to $1 billion and the governor is proposing to release 35,000 non-violent inmates which would theoretically save the state $1 billion. These are just proposals and the State Legislators have 45 days to ratify the proposals. I found the timing somewhat ironic because I have 47 days remaining on my sentence and it would be funny if 2 days before I am release the Legislators approve the Governor’s plan. This could mean I would get out 2 days early. Hey, 2 minutes early is a release for me so I would happily take it. I doubt if I would be effected at all because even if this proposal is ratified, releasing 35,000 inmates is no small task. I would imagine this would take place in stages. Hopefully my roommate is affected because he would still have 6 months remaining to serve when I am released. It will be interesting to see what if anything happens. I do know I am being released on February 27th which is coming quickly.

Counting Down The Wednesdays

On the seventh Wednesday from this very day, I will be released back into society. Oh my goodness, that previous sentence sounds so ominous, but it is true. For the past 18 months and by the time I am finished my sentence, it will be 19-1/2 months, I have been separated from society and, most importantly, my family. I started this odyssey on a Wednesday, and it is only fitting I will be released on a Wednesday. I am now officially counting down the Wednesdays. Truly, I have only six Wednesdays remaining (after today) that I will be incarcerated. On that seventh Wednesday, my wife will be here to pick me up, and we will drive out together. I will not be wearing my orange clothing on that day. In fact, it will probably take some time before I wear anything orange again, if I ever do. I started wearing orange in the county jail, and the only place I didn’t was Jamestown. I was dressed in blue, which really wasn’t as bad as the bright orange. On the very faithful Wednesday in February, a new beginning will commence. As I look back, I am astonished as to how significant Wednesdays have been.
I was confronted at my previous employer on a Wednesday. I was arrested two weeks later on a Wednesday. I pled guilty on a Wednesday. I was sentenced on a Wednesday. I was transferred here on a Wednesday. Next month I will walk out of here on a Wednesday. This gives a different meaning to “Wednesday’s Child.” I’m not sure of the significance of all of this, but it sure seems interesting. I am so happy I only have six Wednesdays remaining, and I doubt on that seventh Wednesday from now that I will ever stop smiling. There have been some very significant days in my life such as the day I married my wife and the days my daughter and son were born. Nothing can top those days, but February 27th will be near the top of the list. Yes, I am anxious, but I have come this far living one day at a time. I am not about to change. The day will come just like all the other days, and I am patiently waiting.
In the meantime, I enjoyed the very tasty pizza and pasta that was served last night for dinner. This meal has come a long way from the first time I had it at the reception center many months ago. The pizza was vegetable containing onions and mushrooms. It is entirely made from scratch and very good. This is one of the two meals I can eat everything on the tray (the other being baked fish). I am very grateful for anything I receive, and last night’s dinner was very nice. After dinner, it was back to my room for the usual conversation. I asked my roommate if he could have dinner with three people who are alive who would those three be? I also said all three don’t have to come to dinner at the same time as it could be three separate dinners. His response was Bill Clinton, Robin Williams, and Nelson Mandela. I thought the choice of Robin Williams was peculiar so I asked him why. My roommate is a fan of Robin Williams, and unbeknownst to me, Robin Williams is a cyclist enthusiast just like my roommate and also a very impressive comedian and actor. The other two are self-explanatory as they are fascinating people. My three are Tiger Woods, Harlan Coben, and Bruce Springsteen. I do believe Mr. Coben would be a very interesting conversationalist over dinner. It was odd, or maybe not, that neither one of us selected a female. The conversation as usual was very good, and it was time to go to sleep.
The day started just like every other day as I got up to exercise. Now, even my roommate is getting up earlier because he needs to be in to work earlier. I previously had to wait 10 to 15 minutes for his arrival at the weight area. Now, we walk up together. The workout was very good, and it was on to start my day. The usual ensued, and I seemed to be moving quicker cleaning the bathrooms. I even had an hour to hike the hill before lunch. I thought I would take advantage of this time, and I did hike the hill. It was a very good hike, and after I checked in for the noon check-in, I was in need of a shower.
By hiking earlier, I was able to free up some of the lunch hour. I decided to make a telephone call to the reporter who wrote me a few weeks ago. I hadn’t received a reply from the letter I wrote so I took the opportunity to call. I was able to speak with the reporter, who sounds very nice and knowledgeable about pathological gambling. The reporter is doing a story on pathological gambling and the effects of the growth of Indian casinos in California. We spoke for the allotted 15 minutes, and that went very quickly. The reporter said something to me that I have thought about in the past. She wanted to speak with me because she believes I possess a unique perspective. I am a recovering pathological gambler who also worked in the gaming business for a number of years. I guess I do have a unique perspective because I understand both sides of the equation. I really enjoyed the discussion, and I am scheduled to call her back on Friday. I am resending what I initially wrote because it has yet to be received. I am sending her a visitor’s form because she is interested in meeting with me face to face. I don’t know when the story will be published, so conceivably, we can meet after my release. Hopefully, I can add value to the story, and it does appear there will be an impact from the article.

A Barber I am NOT!

My family has a long tradition of barbers. My Dad is a barber, his father (my grandfather) was a barber, his father’s father (my great grandfather) was a barber; however, I ended this tradition because I never had any desire to be a barber. My Dad never wanted me to be a barber, and I believe he is okay with the tradition stopping with him. It is a good thing my Dad never pressured me into becoming a barber because it is accurate to say the barber gene is NOT in my DNA! I wrote about an incident a few months ago where a fellow inmate asked me to square up the back of his hair, and I butchered that seemingly easy task. Well, the examples of me not being a barber don’t stop there. Unfortunately for my roommate, he learned first hand why I should never have a pair of electric clippers in my hand.

Yesterday afternoon, my roommate had the idea that he could cut his own hair. He had witnessed a fellow inmate do this and thought he could do the same. He borrowed the necessary equipment (electric clippers with several different lengths of attachments). He was doing a very good job cutting his hair, and he did ask me if I would help. I was a bit nervous knowing what I did last time but still wanted to help. I helped him with the back of his hair, and this went well. The problem arose when he asked me to trim around his ear. He took off the clipper guard which meant, if the full blade was used, it would take all the hair whereas the other clippers ranged in length from ¼ of an inch to 1 inch. Yes, I was nervous, but my roommate said, “Don’t be afraid.” With these words, I turned the clipper around my roommate’s ear and within less than a second, I said, “Oh shit!” Instead of using a fraction of the clipper, I used the whole clipper blade, and I took off a block of hair down to the skin around his ear. I did a very good job following his ear because the block of hair I took is the same contour of his ear; however, it looked terrible. I knew immediately I had done something wrong and there was no real way to fix it. We called in professional help, and that person who handles the clippers very well touched up my roommate’s hair, but even he couldn’t fix my mistake. The only way to fix it would have been to take all of his hair off the back of his head around to the other ear. My roommate was not willing to look like a “jar head” and now has to live with an inch of no hair around his right ear.

I felt so bad, and I must give my roommate credit because he smiled the entire time. I guess he had to smile or he would have killed me! Of course, what came next was the ridicule he would face from our less-than-sympathetic fellow inmates. It seems everyone around here notices everything, and his missing chunk of hair did not go unnoticed. Again, he laughed, and I felt terrible, but there was nothing I could do. I guess the positive side is his hair will grow back eventually. Judging by the amount of hair I took out, I guess it should grow back by the time I parole in February. This would be the last time my roommate ever asks me to help cut his hair! It really wouldn’t be too bad had I not gone all the way down to bare skin. It sort of looks like he had a growth removed above his hair which is why it was shaved to the skin. I told him I could do the other side to match, and we could name him Igor! He didn’t find the humor in this comment.
My lack of haircutting ability has been the talk of the camp for yesterday and today. I do think my roommate has gotten ridiculed more than me over the past day because it is so noticeable. I have been called the “Butcher” because that is exactly what I did to my roommate’s hair. I think I made matters worse this morning because, after we worked out, I was looking at the bald area and couldn’t help but say, “That looks terrible.” Well, if my roommate was self-conscious before this incident, I am sure it is now magnified significantly. Yes, it will grow back, but we both have to look at it every day before it finally grows back. Hopefully in a week or so, the shock value will wear off. A barber I am NOT!!!

I did profusely apologize to my roommate all night, and thankfully, he is a good-natured person. He did offer to cut my hair, and I told him that would be great but it would have to wait until after my mother comes for her visit. He wasn’t happy with this answer, and I am rethinking. I guess a worse-case scenario would be that he shaves off all of my hair. I doubt I would make a very attractive bald man, but in a few months, it will all grow back, and if cutting my hair makes by roommate happy, then so be it.

We went to sleep last night with my offering another apology. I didn’t have to worry about sleeping with “one eye open” because my roommate has a very good nature. I did feel terrible as I went to sleep and had some strange dreams. I awoke to do another workout with my roommate. From here, it was on to start my day. The breakfast today was a very nice treat of blueberry pancakes. I hadn’t had these in a very long time, and it was delicious. After breakfast, I did my usual routine and cleaned the bathrooms. One of my fellow inmates was very nice and volunteered his services to clean one of the showers. I thought this was very nice, and I was happy to have the assistance. The morning went by quickly, and it was lunchtime. I have been trying to figure out where I could fit in my running, and today, I ran at the lunch hour. I only ran for 45 minutes, but it was an excellent run. I pushed myself harder than I have in a while. The quicker pace was welcomed, and it was a nice addition to my day, not to mention, it made the lunch hour fly by!

Comings and Goings of Camp Life

Last night marked the end of the weekend, and with it, I only have seven weekends remaining. It is fairly accurate to say I am counting down the days. I try not to focus on the number of days I have remaining, but I do find this difficult. I really can’t wait for February 27th so I find myself counting down the number of days. As of right now, I have 51 days and one wake-up remaining. The last day of February does not count in my calculation because that is the day I rejoin the free world. I am breaking it down into numbers of weekends and days of the week remaining. It is much better to know I only have seven more Mondays remaining then 51 days. The time does go my quickly, but as I mentioned, I am fixated on February 27th.

It was the usual evening yesterday as my roommate and I listened to “60 Minutes” on the radio. The most popular story had to do with Roger Clemens who was named in baseball’s steroid report as someone who took steroids. Roger Clemens went on “60 Minutes” to proclaim his innocence, and I found the interview fascinating. I have no idea whether or not he is telling the truth when he states, “I have never taken steroids,” and he kept stating, “It didn’t happen.” Only Roger Clemens knows the truth, and it is not for me to judge. I do feel bad for him because it seemed like he was personally offended by these accusations, and really, there is no way to prove or disprove these accusations. It seems the court of public opinion has rendered its decision, and it is not in Roger Clemens’ favor. The other story was regarding the horrible assassination in Pakistan. The President of Palestine was interviewed, and he very boldly blamed Benazir Bhutto for getting assassinated. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing because Pakistan’s President (Musharef) stated Benazir Bhutto should share some of the blame of the assassination because she stuck her head out of the armed car when she should not have. This may very well be the cause but to lay blame for your assassination is preposterous. This part of the world is a powder keg, and hopefully, things do not escalate. I always find “60 Minutes” fascinating, and last night, the stories were exceptional.

As “60 Minutes” commenced, my roommate and I embarked on a conversation. The conversation started regarding a newspaper article on abusive relationships. The article was written by a clinical psychologist, and basically, the premise was to not render a person who is in an abusive relationship an ultimatum. The key concept was to be there when that fried or relative is ready to move out of the abusive relationship. I correlated this to addiction as an addict has to hit their “rock bottom” before seeking help. Unfortunately, no one except the addict or, in the case of the article, the person in the abusive relationship can make the decision to get help. There can be many interventions and all other forms of awareness, but if a person is not ready to commit to help, then it will never work. This can be seen in the Brittany Spears saga as it appears her family has tried to intervene. Even TV’s Dr. Phil has tried to intervene, but until Brittany, herself, commits to some type of treatment program, the problem will only get worse. I fear if Miss Spears does not commit herself to a recovery program things will go very badly, and I hate to say it but she might end up seriously hurt or even dead. This is the same scenario for the very talented Amy Winehouse who’s very famous song, “Ain’t Gonna Go to Rehab,” may be a self-fulfilling prophecy as problems continue to mount.

I can only reflect on my part as I had two very large wakeup calls and even a few minor ones I chose to ignore until the handcuffs were put on my wrist. I understand there have been others before and after me who still haven’t committed to a recovery program even when the handcuffs were put on them. I can only look around to see evidence of this first hand. Thankfully, I continue to commit to recovery, and I see my life getting better each day. I know it is a very difficult first step to admit you have a problem. No one wants to admit this, but for me, this was my only hope of getting better. I know I was so trapped within my own insane thoughts that I could not think straight, and I suspect this is the case with most addicts. Denial is so powerful, and one’s ego does get in the way. I don’t know what it will take to make Brittany Spears admit she has a serious problem and that help is available. Not only is help available, but if a serious commitment is made, I suspect her life will be much better. I know firsthand that life gets better in recovery, and I am eternally grateful.

Throughout the discussion with my roommate, I found myself retelling significant portions of my story. I do know I was incapable of just stopping myself and seeking help. I had to have it the way it has turned out, or I would probably still be doing it. I had a feeling of being invincible and being untouchable, which was so far from the truth it wasn’t funny. When it all came crashing down on me, I actually breathed a sigh of relief. A burden was lifted off my shoulders, and unfortunately for my family, this burden was put on their shoulders. Thankfully, here it is almost three years later, and that burden continues to be lessened each day. I suspect there will be so much joy and happiness in our lives as we are reunited that the burden will diminish altogether. I so enjoy having these discussions with my roommate because it keeps me in touch with myself, and I can see how far I have come. I can’t take that magic eraser and erase the events from my past. I don’t want to erase them. I only want to learn and move forward in a positive direction, which I believe is happening.

The discussion was over, and it was time to go to sleep. The rain was still falling as I went to sleep, and it was drizzling as I awoke. Since we took yesterday off, I had no doubt we would be back out there this morning. I couldn’t believe it was still raining, and I hadn’t experienced this much rain in a long time. In fact, this area has received so much rain it has exceeded the rainfall total of last year in the past 3 days. It does appear the drought for southern California is over, and we will probably have a wet winter. Wet winter or not, we were outside this morning working out in the puddles. It was once again a very good workout, and I enjoy exercising with my roommate.

As the workout ended, it was once again time to start the work week. This has been a familiar pattern for me, and it is all part of the comings and goings of camp life. Today being Monday and no holiday meant inspections would commence. There has been much ado about these inspections over the past few weeks and today would be the first real test. If today was the test, the camp (including myself) has a long way to go. I thought I was complying with the new rules, but I (along with everyone in camp) received a few “gigs” on the inspection. I had one book out of place, I had my jacket hanging on the coat hook on the wall, and I had a box of letters under my bed. As for the first “gig”, I thought we were allowed 3 books on our desk, which I had, but upon further inspection, we are allowed two on the desk and one on the shelf. I didn’t realize we weren’t allowed to hang our coats on the coat hooks. The coat hooks were removed from every room, and now, I have no idea where I will hang my coat. If the idea is to place the coat in our lockers, I have much rearranging to do because my locker is fairly full. Also, I guess the idea is to place the shoebox (which by the way is so full of letters I cannot close the top) in the locker. I may have to do some serious minimization in the coming days.

This inspection has put the camp in an uproar, and I do think it is sad because for the most part (or as far as I am concerned), everyone here is doing a good job, and I have not seen any major problems. I have been here over seven months and have not seen one fight. I cannot say that for the other three stops I have made on this journey. As far as prison goes, fire camp is the place to be. Sure, there are some issues but nothing to warrant the nitpicking of the inspection today. If the idea is to turn this fire camp into a “boot camp,” then by all means please communicate, but there appears to be too many mixed signals. It really is hard to keep track of what is and what is not acceptable because it is so much more subjective than objective. I have a little over seven weeks remaining, and I will continue to do what I done for the past year and one-half, which is to comply with the rules. This really is a good place to do time, and I will not mess that up. I do see issues with others, and really, all of this is unnecessary. I am not sure of the goal to all of this, but if I have to stuff my winter coat and my box of letters into my locker, I will do it with a smile. If not for anything else, days like today do shake up the sameness, and I suspect it will return to normal in a few days.

Watching The Rain

Here I sit on this first Saturday watching the rain through my window. The storm finally arrived late last night and it hasn’t stopped raining since. I thought the storm was going to bring blustery and windy conditions but so far it is just a rain storm. The area certainly needs the rain and hopefully this will help as it is supposed to last until Monday. The rain did not deter my roommate and me from going outside to the weight area. The weight area does have a partial covering so we were shielded from the rain. I do look forward to the day I no longer have to go outside to get to the bathroom. The other night I was almost blown away as I was hit with a gust of wind going through the outside to go to the bathroom.

I continued to read “Fade Away” which I should finish sometime today. I am very surprised some Hollywood producer hasn’t made a motion picture out of these Myron Bolitar novels. The characters Harlan Coben has developed are so unique and interesting. I am very happy that I have started reading his novels and for the life of me I don’t know how I have missed these novels until now. I may have read one of his novels before coming to prison and I remember my mother always talking about his books. Yes, prison has been a positive experience in book reading and so many other avenues. This experience is coming to an end very shortly but it will remain with me forever.

I won’t over dramatize things and say I am a changed person because in some ways I am the same old person but in other ways I have changed. It truly is a cross between these two and I do know I continue to get better as each day passes all thanks to recovery. I realize many people seem to find God or Jesus or religion when they come to prison. I really haven’t found any of these but I have found my spirituality which is based in everything. My spirituality has always been with me but I chose to ignore it. Now I no longer take it for granted as I relish in it everyday. I hope I never force my views on anyone because this is not what I am about. I believe I will live and really I am living a wonderful life. I have so many blessings in my life and I am so grateful. The blessings are very real and very soon I will be a real part of these blessings on a daily basis. Yes, everything continues to workout for the very best.

Harlan Coben

I’ve been reading Harlan Coben’s FADE AWAY and it is another novel in the Myron Bolitar series. I reached a very interesting passage where one of the characters speaks of a “gamble – a - holic”. Coben wrote, “He had pretty good luck for a long time. That’s a bad thing when a man has the itch. When his luck changed –as it must in the long run- he kept thinking he could win it back. They ALL do.” He went on further, “It’s as bad as alcohol or heroin. They cannot stop themselves. In some ways, it’s even worse. People drink and do drugs to escape despair. Gambling has that element, too, but it also offers you the friendly hand of hope. You always have hope when you gamble. You always believe that you’re just one bet away from turning it around. It’s a catch twenty two. If you have hope, you keep gambling. But with gambling there’s always hope.” This is a fairly accurate portrayal of a compulsive gambler and it is a fairly accurate portrayal of me a little while ago. Thankfully, because of recovery, I know so much better. There is no hope if I were to gamble again. I was most certainly hooked on gambling and the hope but there was so much more than what Mr. Coben wrote. Make no mistake, I am a “gamble-a-holic” through and through. I have dug unbelievably deep holes and this has lead to my current situation of being in prison.

It is odd with my story that my first bet at the racetrack did in fact win but when I moved into sports betting my first five selections were all losers yet I was hooked from the beginning twenty six years ago. The Cliff notes version of my story can be summed up in one word “denial”. I denied the fact that I am a compulsive gambler until the very real prospect of losing everything occurred. I saw what I have termed as the loophole as a way to propel my gambling fantasy. I had access to what seemed like an unlimited amount of money but this only added to my illusion. My thought process was severely clouded by my gamble-a-holic ways and gratefully those days are gone.

I found this passage very poignant because gambling left untethered is very destructive as I am a prime example as my life became unmanageable. The key for me is recovery as this is something that never ends. I have never seen or heard of a recovered compulsive gambler. A true compulsive gambler is what I am and now I am a compulsive gambler in recovery. I cannot fool myself into believing I am recovered and therefore don’t need recovery. I know how that would turn out which is why I choose to be in recovery. I fought it for my entire adult life. I do remember several times when I went back to “innocent” gambling after my first two downfall’s saying to myself, “ I can handle this.” When in fact I couldn’t and yet fooled myself. I was a complete and utter conundrum when it came to gambling. I found a career in the gaming industry for 12 years. I thought this would satisfy my need to gamble but only gave me further justifications. I knew the odds were a losing proposition for every casino game so I honed in on sports betting which had the lowest winning percentage for the house. The key phrase is that previous sentence is “winning percentage” which means the house still wins even though it is lower than any of the other casino games. I did my best to “professionalize” my sports betting but in reality it just became more compulsive gambling. I needed more and more action with higher stakes. I was never going to have that big win because for me I don’t even know what that means! Conceivably, I could have just stopped and walked away from the wagering, but I was never capable of doing that until I was finally exposed.

I am going to make a lousy segue into one of the tools of my recovery which is this blog. I was talking to my roommate the other night about this blog. I have to add there has been much too much unnecessary drama regarding this blog which I have yet to write about. I’m not sure if I will ever disclose this drama but it really had been unnecessary. My roommate brought up a salient point as I was telling him why I maintain this blog and why it continues to be published. I gave him the reasons and he very eloquently stated, “It is safe to say that the blog is a way of checking yourself.” This is so true because for so many years I lied to everyone including myself which led to my downfall. Now in recovery, I am based in honesty and maintaining this does keep me in check. I have gone two years, ten months, and six days without making a wager which is certainly a positive. However, more impressively thanks to recovery and the GA Program my life continues to get better and I have so much hope without the aid of gambling.

This ties back into what Mr. Coben wrote and it is a contradiction for one me – the compulsive gambler – in recovery. I have hope as long as I am in recovery which requires abstinence from gambling. Hope is obliterated when the first “innocent” bet is made which is why I choose recovery every time. I do need to be mindful daily, hourly, and every minute. At some point in the future I will return to a “normal” way of existence – this is where it will be the most dangerous for me. Right now and really for the past almost three years the thought of gambling repulses me because I know the consequences are very real. Somewhere when that normalcy returns the consequences may fade somewhat which is why I need and want a recovery program in my life. I screwed things up on my own and in the past almost 3 years, I have had so much help and it has been wonderful. I don’t have to face this addiction alone and have not. Another bad thing for me would be to think I am smarter than my addiction which I certainly am not. I have given up my addiction to my Higher Power and know I am powerless which is why I need assistance. I have found this assistance and my life is working out for the very best.

I couldn’t help but to think these things as I read those words. I certainly know oh too well the mind of a “gamble-a-holic” because that is what I am. However, even though this will always be in my mind through recovery I am becoming the person I need to be which is a thoughtful, kind, caring, honest person. I can’t go back and erase my mistakes. I can only live for today while learning from those mistakes. I choose to live positively and know everything is going in the right direction.

"Bizarro"

There have been plenty of dull moments in the past 17 ½ months but for the most part those dull moments have passed quickly. This especially has been the case since I arrived here at camp over 7 months ago. I have now been here longer than any other stop on this destination and I can positively say the time is moving along.

The first part of my journey started in the county jail and those 30 days seemed like an eternity back then.
I moved from there to the reception center in Delano where I resided for 10 weeks that went a little faster than the previous stop.
From the reception center I moved on to Jamestown where I spent 7 months. I molded a very good routine and that time went by very quickly.
Now here at camp I have an even better routine and on the weekends I have been able to receive visits. Also, I was able to have two family visits – one with my children – and one with only my wife. I have 50 some odd days left on my sentence and I have certainly hit the home stretch. I continue my routine and even in those dull moments I have never said I wish this would end. Invariably, the day passes and starts up once again.

This has been the case the past few months. The holidays interrupted the routine a bit but even those days went by remarkably fast. As I came to the end of this journey, I am very grateful for everything. My post prison days are coming together very nicely as I have a place to live along with a car and a job. I have no doubt everything will continue to workout and hopefully I will be rejoined by my family shortly. Hopefully ~ Whatever is meant to be will be as I know this has been the case all along.

Last night I was talking with my roommate as I do every night. I was telling him about my misdeeds and filling in some blanks. As I recounted those misdeeds I realized I was one messed up fella! The risks I continued to take were insane. It is so strange looking back through recovery and really wondering what the heck I was thinking. The problem was I was not thinking, I was just doing. It was almost as if I were trapped in box and couldn’t get out without assistance. The problem being I did not know how to ask for help until I was caught. This is exactly how it had to happen in order for me to enter recovery. If I had gotten away with those misdeeds there would be another crash sometime in the future. All of the warning signs were all around me but I chose to ignore them. Thankfully, I no longer ignore the fact that I am a compulsive gambler and will always be one. However, I am now one who is in recovery and my life continues to get better each and everyday.

It is funny how my dreams seemed to be unleashed when I talk about my previous escapades. I had a fairly lengthy discussion with my roommate and my subconscious must have been working overtime. I had many dreams last night but I don’t remember specifics from any of them. I realized it is not good to relive the past but as the GA Program states it is okay to visit. I don’t do this often which is good but it is also good with the occasional visit. The past is what it is and cannot be changed. I must be mindful not to dwell but I am equally mindful to not ignore my past. There are so many lessons in my past and through recovery I continue to learn more and more about myself. I am grateful for this learning experience and know I have so much more to learn.

After all the dreams it was time to get out of bed and go workout. The big rainstorm is moving into the region and with it the temperature remained mild.

It was time for me to get my side of the room ready to adhere to another new regulation. Typically on Mondays there are room inspections and each room must be inspection ready. This has been taken a step a further as everyday appears to be an inspection ready day. It really is quite comical because it really isn’t anything like being in the military yet everything must be squared away. I think this is the goal but I know I fall very short. I just take my excess items (papers, pads, books and pens) and shove them into my locker only to take them out a few hours later. I believe I understand the concept but it seems in practice this doesn’t work out as it is intended. It does put a little smile on my face as so many other incidents like these do as well. Everything does go back to an episode of “Seinfeld” and truly this prison experience is “bizzaro-world.” I have sort of gotten used to it as I am more numb than anything. However, there are still occasions where I just shake my head and laugh to myself. Make no mistake coming to prison is no laughing matter but certain incidents just can’t be explained because it is “bizzaro-world.”

Holidays Complete

The stretch started with Thanksgiving and ended yesterday with New Year’s Day. For all intents and purposes the holidays that I have been separated from my family are all complete. The only real family celebration remaining are my children’s birthdays in February. Yes, I won’t be with them on their actual birthdays but I hope to see them soon after in March. Worst-case scenario - I do plan on attending my daughter’s first communion in April. I have made it through the difficult stages and I am very much looking forward to my release next month which is coming shortly.

The warm winds were whipping up last night and I almost got blown away walking into the bathroom through the breezeway entrance. I guess this is a mini Santa Ana wind event as the temperature has risen and it was anything but cold last night. The heater in the dorm must not be on a thermostat because ever since it was fixed the heat keeps blowing out no matter how warm it is inside or outside. We do have to sleep with the window open because it is just too hot. This prison world is definitely filled with extremes as a month ago it was so cold in the dorm I needed three blankets and last night I didn’t need any.

Effective January 1, 2008 the fire camps are allowed to have weights and subsequently we inmates are allowed to lift weights. Nothing has changed since I last worked out with weights two days ago. The only difference now is we no longer have to hide them. It was the worst kept secret I have ever seen. Everyone in the camp knew there are weights but there were some “no-no’s” when working out such as stopping when officers were nearby. Now it is okay to workout and the area is officially called the “weight pile.” There is also another rumor stating that the camp is going to purchase real weights in dumbbells, bars, and weight plates. Supposedly, money has been set aside for each camp. My roommate has even done some research, but the proper approval has yet to be given. This could be very nice but the timing could be suspect. The State of California faces a tremendous deficit and is looking to cut from all its state run agencies most notably schools and prisons. I don’t know how well received an expenditure for weights in the prisons would be when certain school programs will be cut. I would be very surprised if the camp does receive the “weight” allotment by the time I am released next month. It would be wonderful to have some dumbbells I could actually lift with proper form but I can certainly wait another 8 weeks as I enter the free world.

I almost forgot to mention that I called my mother yesterday afternoon to wish her a Happy New Year. My wife told her about the great news from Sunday’s GA meeting. My mother was very excited for the job offer and me. As my mom pointed out everything is working out for the very best and Thank God for the GA Program. If it wasn’t for GA and the exceptional people in the Program, I would be at a total loss. It is all because of GA I am well on my way to recovery and an incredible life. My housing, transportation, and job are all tied to GA. Yes, if it wasn’t for the Program I would not be able to find my way.

The conversation with my mother was wonderful and as much as I try to say everything in the first 15 minutes, we inevitably go over just as we did yesterday. I had to call my mother back for another 15 minute allotment and another costly collect call. Since my mom will be here in 2 ½ weeks, my telephone contact with her should be lessened this month and hopefully this will save her money. My mother has been great throughout this whole ordeal and I could hear the relief in her voice along with so much excitement regarding my new job.

The temperature today was in the low 70’s and I enjoyed being in the warm sunshine watching the squirrels scurry around. I am so glad I have slowed down to really enjoy life. Dr. Dyer talks about being still and in the stillness comes wonderment. As I sit here very still I can hear the wind blow, the birds chirp, and the leaves rustle. I may not be in such a peaceful place physically for along time to come, but I intend to be in a peaceful place mentally and spiritually for a long time to come.

Happy New Year 2008!

New Year’s Eve continued with myself and my roommate waving off from dinner. The dinner was a special collection of beef and pork which neither one of us eat. Fortunately, my roommate was able to “find” an alternative in that he found a lone leftover soy sausage. He prepared us two soy sausage sandwiches on hoagie rolls. This was certainly a better alternative from the beef and pork delights. First, we walked around the camp while everyone was having dinner. Then we went back to our room to eat our sandwiches. This wasn’t the most ideal New Year’s Eve dinner, but it certainly worked well for both of us. We ate and talked which seemed to be the “MO” for the evening.

My roommate was able to get a copy of the day’s local newspaper which we both read, and the rest of the evening was filled with conversation. I also broke out a bag of the Trader Joe Trail Mix which was delicious as we ate this with our nightly tea. My roommate wanted to stay up and ring in the New Year at midnight. I would have been happy turning in at the usual time (9:00 p.m.), but my roommate had other ideas. Amazingly, we both stayed awake until midnight which we counted down from our watches. As the clock struck midnight, we wished each other a Happy New Year, and one second later, I believe we fell asleep. This did have significance for each of us as we are both being released this year. It is wonderful to say “I get out this year.” In fact, I get out next month! My roommate still has another 8 months remaining, but he, too, is grateful to get out this year.

Staying awake until midnight was the latest I have stayed awake in a very long time and the latest I have stayed awake here at camp. I was somewhat surprised that the camp was very quiet last night. There were a few sounds after midnight, but for the most part, everyone was asleep. I was speaking to another inmate prior to midnight who informed me this was his fourth New Year’s Eve incarcerated, and he hadn’t seen midnight in any of those four. He also went on to state he has two more New Year’s Eve’s remaining before he is released. This certainly puts it in a better perspective for me because last night marked the second and final New Year’s Eve I was incarcerated. God willing, next New Year’s Eve I will be with my family.

Sleep did come quite easy after the late night, and there was no early morning workout this morning. My roommate and I both agreed today would be a day off from any weight exercises. We were true to our word and got up much later than normal. I was going to wave off for breakfast because there was no hot cereal; however, my roommate convinced me to go with him. Fortunately, the cold cereal was Corn Flakes as opposed to the Cocoa Puffs that was served last week on Christmas. We both ate the cold cereal as we went without the beef burrito served later today. The breakfast was uneventful, and I headed back to my room.

It seems these holidays, especially New Year’s Day (today), are Chamber of Commerce weather days. There was a breeze, but the temperatures approached 70 degrees. I did by bathroom porter duties and decided to run a few laps. My legs were well rested, and I donned my earphones for a two-hour run. I was in a zone as I ran listening to the music and had a very good run. After the run and subsequent shower, I continued a longstanding tradition of watching College Football on New Year’s Day. I watched a very entertaining game between the University of Michigan and the University of Florida. It was too bad for my friend who is an alumnus from the University of Florida as they were beaten.

The day of the New Year has come, and I am very grateful. I made it through the holidays, and as long as I stay committed in recovery, I will never have to spend another Christmas through New Year’s Day holiday season incarcerated. I do look forward to many more holidays with my family because, even though I continue to make the very best of this, being without my family is no fun. I don’t believe I have ever underappreciated my family, but now I realize how fleeting life can be. This is why I am grateful for each and every day in recovery. Life is truly beautiful, and I do know 2008 will be a very special year. Happy New Year!!

Last Day of 2007, Yay!

I had all types of positive feelings as I walked back to camp from the wonderful GA meeting visit yesterday. I still had a sense of shock as I wasn’t expecting to be offered a job and really wasn’t sure it all happened. It did happen, and as I replay the scenes back, it was almost dreamlike. I remember long before I embarked on this part of my journey saying to myself that recovery is the right way and really the only way to go in order to have a positive life. As I continue with recovery, it became apparent I was going to prison for my misdeed. I knew prison would be a temporary experience, but recovery has to be permanent. I remain diligent in recovery, and these past seven months at camp have been wonderful because of these GA meetings/visits. I never envisioned having these meetings lead me to a job let alone being offered one at a meeting/visit. It has, and I am forever grateful. I needed to find someone who really knows me as a person and understands addiction. Amazingly, I have found two people who are willing to hire me because they know me as a person and understand addiction. Before I came to prison, I was offered a position with the Las Vegas Recovery Center. This position has remained somewhat open as I approach my release date. I was unable to take the position before I arrived in prison and I am unable to relocate to Las Vegas because I owe outstanding restitution. The second person is a dear friend from GA who does reside in California and is willing to take a chance on me. He has stated I am overqualified for the position, which I beg to differ. I am not overqualified for any position, and all I am looking forward to is an opportunity. This opportunity has presented itself, and I am extremely excited to start. As I mentioned, this will be a new beginning, and my mind is in such a great place for the first time in a long time.

I needed to share this good news with my wife so I decided to call her yesterday instead of on New Year’s Dat. My wife was not expecting my telephone call but quickly warmed up when I told her the good news. I’m not sure if it is the way these telephones operate, but I really don’t enjoy talking on them. There is a recording which pops up every few minutes stating the call may be recorded or monitored, and the connection is not the greatest. I was excited to tell my wife, but I didn’t receive the same excitement back. I may have misinterpreted this because of the odd connection, but I seemed to get cautious excitement. I also mentioned some things about the future in California for me and possibly for us as a family and didn’t receive much input from my wife. She is still very noncommittal about coming back out to California when the children finish school in June. Things are most certainly coming together for me, and now one of the missing pieces, my family, should start to come together soon. I can’t say this enough. I messed up and upset the lives of my wife and children. Everything seems to be working out very well for everyone as my family has been well taken care of while they have been in New Jersey. I can’t blame my wife one bit for her feelings of confusion. She is enjoying New Jersey with family and may prefer to remain in New Jersey. This does present a dilemma for me because I want to reunite with my family as soon as possible, and this may have to wait another 13 months. I would also like to rebuild my career and have my family with me. I need to stop obsessing on this issue and trust and believe everything will work out for the very best because it will.

I was able to speak with my daughter and son as well. They sounded great, and I know I have said this before but my daughter continue to mature. Also, my son is so full of energy. It is funny because both of them were commenting on the fact that they have to go back to school on Wednesday from their Christmas vacation while the schools in California don’t go back for another two weeks. I don’t know exactly where they got this information, and my daughter may have remembered when we all lived in California. I did remind my daughter that school starts much earlier in California (August) as opposed to New Jersey (September). She did say, “Oh, I forgot about that.” This was strange because I could remember my daughter counting down the days until she went back to school. I guess things change! It was great speaking with them, and I wished them a Happy New Year!

The rest of the day yesterday I spent writing letters about the good news of the day. Yet, it was an all-around great day, and in the evening, it was the usual with my roommate. Dinner was underwhelming so I broke out the bag of granola as a snack. I fell asleep listening to the all news radio station as they were talking about the upcoming primaries and caucuses in a few day. Politically, 2008 is shaping up to be a very interesting year. I don’t believe I will be able to vote in the presidential election, but I am still interested in who will be our next president. The Republican side appears to be a mess, and the Democratic side seems to be a two-person race. I thought it would be Hillary against Rudy, but these two may not even receive the nomination.

The early morning once again came quickly, and it was outside to the weight area. My roommate and I completed the four-day workout cycle yesterday and today could have been an off day; however, some of the equipment we don’t normally get to use was available so we went out this morning. We had a very good workout, and the air temperature was much warmer than it has been. The session ended, and it appears tomorrow will be out day off from the weight area. All of the crews were in camp today, and it was just like last week on Christmas Eve. I quickly cleaned the bathrooms because of everyone being in camp. I thought about doing some more exercising, but my legs needed some rest so I took it easy the rest of the day.

I soon realized today is the last day of 2007, and I will have to say yay! Yes, I spent all of 2007 incarcerated; however, it is all coming to an end very soon. Last year at this time, I was up in Jamestown and wasn’t in the best frame of mind. These past 365 days have gone very quickly thank God! It has gone quickly because time does move fast, and I am not in a great place both mentally and physically. Also, I am in an incredibly spiritual place knowing my higher power is extraordinary. I am looking very much ahead to a bright, beautifully 2008 as I say goodbye to 2007.

*ONE DOOR CLOSES - ANOTHER OPENS*

After my workout, I watched a little of the news mostly for the weather forecast and again I didn’t go to breakfast since my dear friends from GA were due for their visit and they bring so much food. My name was the first one called for visits. I made my way down to the visiting area and saw my beloved friends. There were five people in attendance and one of them I had not seen in over a year and a half. It was great to see everyone and I thoroughly love these meeting/visits.

I was right to not eat because the food was plentiful and great. Even better than the food was the meeting. I do look forward to these meetings and they have been one of the highlights of the past 17 months. Toward the end of the meeting, my dear friend who I hadn’t seen in over a year and a half asked me what I was going to do when I get out. I told him my plans and he asked if I had a job since I have to reside in California. He then asked if I would be interested in working for him. I jumped at the opportunity because he runs a very successful recovery practice in the area. As it turns out, his office manager is leaving after working for him for 7 ½ years and I was the first person he thought of as a replacement. Of course, I said YES and I was a bit in shock! My other friends (some were in on it and some weren’t) were very excited. The job is heavily accounting oriented and is most certainly a “position of trust”. One of my dear friends mentioned the saying – “When one door closes another opens.” Wow! This is most certainly the case. I was at a loss of words and couldn’t stop smiling. I was concerned about finding a job when I am released but that concern was rectified today. This position will be very much like the position I was offered at the Las Vegas Recovery Center. It is only a few miles from where I used to live in Southern California. Also, the building I will be working in is where most of the GA meetings are held. I haven’t seen this new building because it was just built in the last year.

My surprise announcement came near the end of the meeting and this dear friend came today with the specific purpose of asking if I was interested in the position. This is a fantastic gift and those possible pressures and fears have been diminished. There are wonderful people in this world and I am blessed to have finally found these extraordinary people. Recovery is so powerful and once again my life continues to get better and better with each day. I so look forward to February 27th and told my friend that I would stop by the office on that very day.

I did close a very big door almost three years ago with all my misdeeds. However, in recovery other doors have started to open slowly. The one big door I opened almost three years ago was when I walked through the GA room. The door to my addiction took a very long time to close and I must be extremely mindful because that door can come busting open at anytime. As long as I stay focused in recovery and continue doing the right things, more large brilliant positive doors will open, and the doors of my sordid past will remain sealed. I embrace these doors and do know everything is working out as intended. I would like to thank my dear friend for this opportunity and I look forward to a very bright future.

**THANK YOU**

Newspaper Articles

After exercising I was going over to the library to do some writing but I got sidetracked with a conversation about a few newspaper articles regarding the prison system. A strange thrust of fate has arisen within this whole prison overcrowding dilemma. The state of California faces a very large budget deficit– estimates put it at between $10 to $14 billion dollars – due to the collapse of the real estate market. Governor Schwarzenneger is proposing cuts across the prisons and education. One of the proposals has the Governor releasing over 20,000 inmates which would save the state money. These are just possible proposals and I very much doubt any of this will impact me as the timing arises very close to my release date.

California appears headed into a budget crisis and 2008 should be an interesting year. The ironic part of this possible release is that the articles or the Governor never mentioned anything about overcrowding. Also, the Governor was adamant one year ago about NOT releasing any inmates early. I guess the old adage “money talks and bull____ walks” comes to mind! There is so much talk of releasing inmates early – I do believe something is bound to happen and most likely sometime in 2008. I am leaving here on February 27th which is my focus, and the end is very near – then the new beautiful beginning commences.

THE WOODS

Last night I finished reading THE WOODS by Harlan Coben. I believe this is my sixth or seventh book I have read by him. I have mentioned before he is my mother’s favorite author and is at the top of my list. This novel is very typical of the other novels as it was suspenseful, funny , and had very interesting characters. Mr. Coben does reside in NJ and this novel like most of the others has a definite “Jerseyesque” feel. He even brings in songs from NJ finest – The Boss, Bruce Springsteen. I enjoyed the novel very much. There was a point near the conclusion that I said to myself, “I hope it doesn’t end the way I am thinking it will end” and it did not. He always seems to have a twist and THE WOODS was no different. I believe this is his current release and he is very popular with other inmates as well. I was asked by several others if they could borrow the book when I was finished and now there is a long waiting list. This was a wonderful Christmas present.

I am fairly confident of the job I do cleaning the bathrooms. They aren’t sparkling clean because they will never be since they were built 20 years ago and I doubt much refurbishment has taken place over this period. The tiles are dated and the concrete floors have some wear and tear on them. I do my best to get the areas as clean as possible and it takes me all morning to do this. I have witnessed others who have cleaned the bathrooms in the past and there is nowhere the effort I put into it. I say this because sometimes I find it unfortunate when criticism is sent my way. The unfortunate part is the criticism is not constructive nor could actually be called criticism. It is more saying things just to say things. I have become used to it and it doesn’t bother me, but I will say there is really no need for this at all. I have less than two months and all of this will be in the past. As for now this is my present and I am dealing with it accordingly.

This afternoon I again put pen to paper because I received four more letters last night. I was in the mood to write and spent a good portion of the afternoon writing these letters. I also read most of the current issues of Time and Newsweek which were the year-end editions and I am certainly happy to see 2007 come to a close. I could consider this year a lost year as I have been separated from my family and also society. However, all was not certainly lost as I continue to discover wonderful things. I have discovered a peace of mind I have not had and this is all thanks to recovery. This has allowed me to move through this journey in a positive manner. These discoveries continue each and every day. Yes, I am happy to see the year come to a close as I look forward to a phenomenal 2008. I will re-enter society and obviously I can’t wait for that day. There could be a few challenges ahead but I prefer to view it as a new wondrous journey. I have and continue to move through this part very well. I have no doubts the next part will continue to provide more extraordinary discoveries and I am eager to see these one day at a time.

The time does pass and I spent the entire time in the library writing this afternoon. The library is now inhabited by Lucy the cat. Actually, she is more of a kitten but as far as cats go she seems okay. I may have grown out of my allergies towards cats because after spending several hours with her, I didn’t sneeze once nor did my eyes water. I kept a distance from the cat and didn’t pet her. I’m not much for cats because I always feel they are sneaky and can’t seem to trust them. I much prefer dogs, but I can understand why some people enjoy cats. Anyhow maybe I no longer have the cat allergy.

I am trying not to write about food so much but I have to say something about dinner these past two evenings. Apparently the kitchen has run out of rice and in its place potatoes have been served. I have tried these in the past, but I can no longer bring myself to eat them. This leaves me with only the beans to eat. Normally, I do not complain because I am grateful for whatever I get. However, maybe my roommate has spoiled me too much and now he is no longer working with the kitchen so I feel a little left out. Our friend has taken over my roommate’s old position and he is still finding his way. The absence of rice over the past two evenings caused my food intake to go down by 50% and the beans are a bit too potent on their own. My stomach wasn’t feeling very well last night and my roommate noticed my irritable mood and asked if he could get me some food. I declined his offer but gave in to the cornbread he brought back. This helped to settle my stomach and once again we had another great conversation during the evening.

Two Months To Go!

The days are moving along quickly and really there is nothing much new. I did hit the mother load during mail call as I received seven pieces of mail. This is a combination of the Christmas holiday and the fact that there wasn’t any mail delivery on Monday or Tuesday. Amazingly the seven pieces were from six different sources as my mom was the lone duplicate.

There was an interesting letter from a person I do not know. She is a reporter with the San Jose Mercury News which is located in Northern California. Interestingly enough I know this newspaper quite well because I have read their on-line edition for a number of years. Of course, it has been at least 17 months since I last read from this but I have always been impressed with the content. This particular investigative reporter is doing a story on pathological gambling. A very good friend referred this reporter to me. I have had some experience with investigative reporters over the past three years and one of those experiences didn’t turn out the way I would have liked. On the other hand, I have participated in other pieces which turned out very well and I even made a good friend from one of these. I won’t let the one semi-bad experience prevent me from assisting. This piece will not be about me (thank God); it will be about pathological gambling and if it helps one person then it will be worth it. The reporter would like to interview me in person and I am fairly certain she is aware of my current situation. I responded to the letter and explained the ways to correspond with me and I also included a visiting form. I don’t know if special accommodations are made for reporters so I don’t know where this is all headed nor do I know the time frame. Of course, meeting with me will be much easier in two months from today as I will be released. I am interested to assist so I will see where it goes.

In one of the other pieces of mail was a Christmas card from my wife which contained the card she sent out this year. It was a cute photograph of my son and daughter standing next to the Christmas tree at their grandmother’s house in NJ. My goodness, my daughter gets prettier and prettier with every picture. My son gets bigger and bigger with every picture and after I showed the picture to my roommate, he commented, “Your son is going to kick your ass when you see him next because he keeps getting bigger and bigger!” Yes, I am sure this will be the case, but it was a great picture.

I took the mail back to my room and went through it as I sipped on some tea. As quickly as my cold arrived, it departed that much quicker. Over the course of the evening, the stuffiness and annoying drip disappeared without the aid of medication. I was thankful for it to go away, but there seems to be a great deal of germs floating around here. Also, the weather has been crazy on Christmas Eve Day. I ran in shorts and a tee shirt and now the temperature seemed to have dropped 30 degrees into the 30’s.

Breakfast was uneventful and the rumor circulating the camp was all the in campers would be drug tested today. This rumor caused me to “hold it” for as long as I could and as rumors go – this one was unfounded. I do find the rumors quite comical and I have no issue with drug testing everyday. The rest of the day was the usual filled with writing and reading. Yes, another typical day.

Christmas is Over!

December 26

As I went to sleep last night after the dysfunctional “Risk” game saying to myself, “Christmas is over, YAY!” I made it through the second Christmas in a row without seeing my family. Thankfully, this will be the last of that. My dear friend who visited made my day and this Christmas Day was so much better than last year. Waking up this morning, I realized I have nine more weeks to go exactly. This means nine more Wednesdays, including today and on the ninth Wednesday, I will be walking out of here, YES!

Some of the crews went out and some were laid in. This didn’t matter to me because everyone was kept out of the bathrooms which were in need of a deep cleaning which lasted all morning long. It is amazing how fast time goes when one cleans the bathrooms! It certainly goes by quickly and just like that, half of the day after Christmas was over. I didn’t go out for a hike or a run after cleaning but I did workout in the exercise room this morning. I was content with writing and reading. The days are moving quickly and my “government sabbatical” will come to an end and it will be back to the real world. I realized last night when I was speaking with a fellow inmate who is very interested in taking over my job when I leave that I will be out of here very shortly. I don’t know what it was, but as we talked, it hit me that in two months from now I won’t be cleaning the bathrooms anymore and I won’t be here anymore. I am very excited and obviously look forward to this new beginning!

Merry Christmas 2007

Merry Christmas!

I made my way over to the telephones so I could see how Christmas morning progressed in NJ. I spoke with my wife and was informed the children were very excited for Santa’s arrival. My son was the first one awake and I believe my daughter sent him into my wife’s room to wake her up. The gifts were quite nice as my daughter received an I-pod. It is amazing my 9 year old daughter has one already. My son received the Nintendo Wii. They were so excited with their gifts and my daughter wanted to know if Santa gave me the picture she drew for me. I told her it was still early out here and I hadn’t gone to the Christmas tree yet. I can’t wait to receive this picture because my daughter drew it freehand and according to my wife it is very good.

My mother has a saying which was passed down from her father – “Well, Christmas is over.” This is why I prefer Christmas Eve to Christmas Day because once those gifts are opened, it does feel like it is over. Here it was a little past 10:00 am on the east coast and for all intents and purposes, Christmas was indeed over. Technically, there are many hours remaining in the day and my family will be going over to my brother-in-law’s house. However, selfishly, I sort of like the fact that Christmas is over because this means I made it through another family holiday and other than missing my son and daughter’s birthdays in February, I won’t miss anything anymore. I am looking forward to the next two months going quickly.

Last year, I was unable to speak with my family on Christmas which was very frustrating. Thankfully, that frustration no longer exists and I was able to speak with them on both days.

As I was walking to breakfast, I noticed raffle tickets were being given to each inmate. I heard that there were raffle drawings all throughout the day. Obviously there is no cost to enter the drawing as our entry fee was settled sometime ago! Part of a large part of the GA Program is abstaining from gambling which is defined as “any betting or wagering for self or others, whether for money or not, no matter how slight or insignificant, where the outcome is uncertain or depends upon chance or ‘skill’ constitutes gambling.” This may seem like a broad definition, but remember it is geared towards the compulsive gambler and the emphasis is on abstinence. This is why I gave my raffle ticket to my roommate. This innocuous drawing may seem slight or insignificant, but that is the point of the whole program; abstaining from gambling. I must be vigilant in my recovery which is why I need not participate in the drawing. The drawings are a very nice gesture as the prizes do add a positive to the inmates. After all, this is prison and anything remotely close to this is extraordinarily pleasant.

I was looking forward to my friend’s visit today, but if circumstances prevented him from coming, I would completely understand. He said he would be here about 11:00 am, but I was not called. I started reading one of my Christmas presents, “The Woods” by Harlan Coben and heard my name called at 12:45. My friend did make it and when we greeted each other, he apologized for being late. This didn’t matter at all and the fact that he was here made all the difference in the world. He came armed with two grocery bags from Trader Joe’s. In the bags were much too much food. My friend brought Gardenburgers which were still hot because the visit was inside the dining hall and there was no way to prepare the burgers so he made them before he arrived. The time passed so quickly and when the announcement that visiting was over came, my dear friend remarked, “Already? Man, that was fast!” Yes, it does go by quickly and I was so grateful for this visit. He is a truly a great friend and he made my Christmas very special.

Christmas dinner was over and bingo would be played for the biggest prizes of the day. My friends and I decided to play “Risk” since I really couldn’t play Bingo. I have never played Risk before nor had my roommate but one friend had. My roommate and I were setting up the game because the box had never been opened. We had to figure out how to play but were a few degrees short of patient. We were about to give up when my other friend came in and told us how to play. The game started and it is a bit complex. I started to understand but my roommate quickly lost interest. I have no idea how long that game usually lasts as we played for two hours with no end in sight. We decided to call it a night with the outcome undetermined. In those two hours there were good laughs and friendship. I t was a fitting way to spend Christmas evening in prison.

Day Before Christmas 2007

December 24

I have always enjoyed the day before Christmas more than Christmas Day. I guess it has to do with the anticipation of Christmas. Christmas Eve has always been a peaceful and tranquil day even though I may not have realized it as I was going through the day. Here I am about 3000 miles away from my family and what I wouldn’t give for being with them. Thankfully, this will be the last Christmas Eve I will be separated from my family. As I look back at the Christmas Eves of my past, I have to smile. No matter where I was, I was always with family until last year. I have come along way from then where I was miserable during the holiday. I couldn’t wait for those days to pass so it would be over. Quite frankly, I am looking forward to these days passing but I am no longer unhappy. I know, thanks to recovery, there will be many more “free” Christmas Eves and they will be spent with families.

For Christmas Eve dinner, my roommate who is an incredible chef, made one of the most delicious fish entries I have ever eaten. He made a Mahi-Mahi seasoned with peppers, jalapenos, garlic and other tasty seasonings. Here I sit in prison eating one of the most delicious meals I have ever eaten. I savored every bite as I have not experienced so much flavor in a long time. I do believe my roommate should become a chef when this is all said and done for him because he is an artist with food.

I had the opportunity to telephone my family as everyone was at my mother’s house. I spoke to seven different people in the allotted 15 minute timeframe. It sounded very lively when I called as they were getting ready to open presents. I wished everyone a Merry Christmas and I could feel the love across the telephone line. I may not have been there physically, but I was there in spirit. I won’t lie and say I didn’t have any thoughts of being there. I would have loved to be there, but I accept my current situation. I am fortunate that my situation is coming to a close in two months because there are others who have much longer to go. Some guys I have met have missed 13, 14, and 15 Christmas seasons with their families. I’m not sure how they do it, but I do believe it does come to accepting one’s lot. There aren’t a whole lot of options and accepting is the best way and more beneficial with dealing with each day especially on Christmas Eve.

Before my fall from grace, my wife and I would always have discussions regarding the Christmas holiday. I remember wanting to always stay home with the children and I didn’t look forward to the running around. Now, being in my current situation, I welcome the running around because it was actually spending time with the family. I could care less if I never received another Christmas present because my present is being with my family. In spite of being separated from my loved ones, I had a good day. I ended it with a great conversation with my roommate. What a difference a year makes and I suspect each year will continue to make a profoundly significant difference in my life.

Visit from an Incredible Friend

December 22

I watched the Christmas show put on by a few of my fellow inmates. One inmate dressed as Santa Claus, another dressed as Smokey the Bear and yet another dressed as Sparky the fire Dog. This was all for the children who came to see their fathers during visiting. These characters made a grand entrance arriving on the back of a fire truck with the sirens roaring. Off jumped Santa and the others who came bearing gifts for the children. This is an annual tradition at camp and I thought it was very festive. I believe the children enjoyed Santa and his friends along with the gifts. This will continue tomorrow and Christmas Day as well.

A few minutes after the show, I heard my name announced over the loudspeaker informing me that I had a visit. I was not expecting anyone today nor did I expect one all weekend including Christmas Day.

I entered the dining hall and scanned the tables. I didn’t see anyone I recognized and was told my visitor ran to the car to get the license plate number as is required for all visitors. I wondered who it could be when I saw my roommate who described my surprise visitor to me and I realized who it was. My realization came true as a very dear friend entered the dining hall. I haven’t seen this friend in 17 months and the last time we saw each other was between plexiglass as I sat in the County Jail. I had a big smile on my face as my dear friend walked toward me and we embraced. I cannot say enough about him and how happy I was to see him.

We sat together for two of the quickest hours I have ever experienced in my lifetime. We did a great deal of catching up as it has been way too long. In terms of friends in my life, this person is well near the top of the list. We have known each other only six years, but we have become great friends. I know my fall from grace was very difficult for him. It is hard to picture and experience first-hand seeing a person who you believed wasn’t capable of doing such reprehensible acts. I still remember the look on his face when my wife and I told him all about my misdeeds. It was more of a look of shock as opposed to disappointment. Thankfully, that look was gone today and we had a wonderful time. We had such a good time; he informed me he was coming back on Christmas Day. He even had me make out a list of the food items I would like from Trader Joe’s. I told him this was unnecessary, but he was insistent. I made out a short list and thanked him profusely.

A he was leaving, we embraced and he said he would be back on Christmas. As he left, I thought of how blessed a person I am. I have so many incredible people in my life and they are all blessing to which I am eternally grateful. I have met many people in my life and some I thought were friends; however, over the past three years, I have found the meaning of friends. This incredible person who came to visit today is the essence of the word friend.

I was very excited after the visit was over and told my roommate all about the visit. I then called my wife and recounted the visit. She also understood when she missed my call on her birthday. It appears my daughter was more disappointed than my wife. During our conversation, she told me about an email she received a week ago from a person I know well. This person was just thinking of me and wanted to see how I was doing. As fate would have it, I sent this same person a letter earlier this week to inform him how I was doing. I had no knowledge of the email so I do believe this is not a coincidence – it is more of a connection. Everything does happen for a reason, much like this journey I am on and I have found this very interesting. I do believe as each day passes, I gain more of a connection to the Source which helps to keep me in tune with all things. I also believe my life continues to get better and better.

December 19th

Catch Phrase

While my roommate and I were working out, the radio was playing and I think (more precisely we) had an “Ah-Ha” moment. The radio station disc jockey was talking and he said a phrase I say constantly. My roommate looked at me as this was said and I looked at him and just smiled. From this point thoughts came flooding into both of our brains. I can see (very clearly) a tee-shirt and other products with this saying along with a large internet presence. My roommate took these ideas and ran with it. All day yesterday and this morning, he has been saying this phrase. I do believe it is very catchy and this could be the start of something. The only question is whether or not this internet domain registry has already been taken. I hope to have my mother look into this and if it is not I would like to register this domain. The beauty of this is the fact that it is very inexpensive. I have no idea whether anything will come of this but I do believe it is a magnificent idea and I am sure lesser ideas have made it. The very interesting part about this is this all came about so suddenly and the ideas were flowing freely. We are both very excited and who knows?!


Christmas Celebrations

Yesterday was filled with Christmas celebrations. The local church group which comes to camp each Tuesday evening had their Christmas celebration complete with a rockin’ band. I had seen this band once before and they were very good. Half the camp was in attendance and the evening was very festive. I attended with my roommate who went on his own volition. This is a bit remarkable because he is Jewish and really doesn’t celebrate Christmas. However, he enjoys live music and was very interested in seeing the band. The evening was filled with music and also prayer. I say “prayer” in the loosest sense because there was more preaching than prayer. Refreshments were served and and later in the evening each inmate received a goodie bag. In the bag were pens, paper, envelopes, razors, dental floss, toothpaste, soups, candy bars, and other assorted goodies. This was an extremely nice gesture.

Before I go on, I must qualify my religious knowledge or better yet lack of. I have been raised Catholic and still consider myself a non-practicing catholic. Being raised on the East Coast – more precisely NJ – I didn’t have any interaction with Christianity. I have been to a few Christian services since moving to California. In the Catholic religion there is Christianity and maybe I never paid enough attention because I failed to see the integral part that Jesus plays. Now that last statement may make me look and sound like an idiot so please let me hopefully clarify. In Christianity the whole basis is to give one’s life over to Jesus Christ, lord and savior. I really don’t know if this is necessary in Catholicism, but it is in Christianity. Last night the emphasis was on Jesus and being saved. I was moved to observe my fellow inmates envelope that moment. I, on the other hand have a long way to go before I am saved. If in fact, Jesus is coming again to judge, I am in big trouble. I do believe there is something more powerful than me or for that matter anyone and anything. This creator, I believe is in all of us. I don’t believe it is a person, let alone a man who came 2000 years ago, well after the Creator set-up shop. I have no doubt that Jesus was a very powerful person and is much like Muhammad, Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Buddha, and other highly spiritual humans. Dr. Wayne Dyer writes about these people as they are in touch with the Source and have affected millions of people. I did get somewhat turned off with the fire and brimstone during the Christmas celebration last night.

I will not judge any person and I will not judge any religion. I do believe if it works then this is wonderful. I have given up my egocentric thoughts to a higher power. I cannot specifically explain this Higher Power, but it does exist in my opinion. I would much rather believe in a Spirit than an individual and this could very well be the same thing. I don’t want to inflict my views on anyone and I prefer to believe everyone is a Spiritual being (from God, if I may) no matter what their religious pervasion or lack of.


Christmas Present

After I received my goodie bag, I was called into the office to pick up a package. It was from Amazon and in it contained Bruce Springsteen’s new CD “Magic”. This was sent by my wife as a Christmas present for me. I was very excited to receive it and I thought of the irony; here it was my wife’s birthday and she had sent me a present. Yes, my wife is wonderful. This is very Bruce Springsteen pre “Born in the USA.” Bruce has gone back to his roots and it is a very moving CD. I doubt any of these songs will get much playtime on the pop radio stations because it is not mainstream “poppy” music. I’m not sure when Bruce last released a CD with the full complement of the E-Street Band, but they haven’t missed a beat.

December 18th

Happy Birthday to a Very Special Person

Today my wonderful and amazing wife celebrates her birthday. As was the case last year, I will not be with her. God willing (?and the creek doesn’t rise?) this will be the last birthday we will be separated. My wife is such a very special person and I love her so very much. I have known her for over 25 years. Wow! That is a very significant portion of our lives. We met over 25 years ago on a quasi-blind date. I say quasi because my wife knew who I was but I didn’t really know her. The more I remember our very first date the more I am fairly certain I did know her before then. Reaching back into my memory bank, I do recall seeing my wife’s face inside of school. Strangely, I can still clearly remember her beautiful face. Now what could be considered a lifetime, I still have her gorgeous face etched into my mind. We have been separated for the past 17 months. Over that period of time we have only been with each other twice. I miss her tremendously. I have a little over two months remaining before my release. My wonderful wife is planning to pick me up on my release date. Then she will return to NJ as the children finish up the school year. In my ideal world I would want them to rejoin me when school is completed in June. My wife is unsure as to whether she will rejoin me or remain in NJ – thus postponing our reuniting until I complete parole.

I am currently mandated to remain in California while I serve Parole so the earliest I can rejoin my family in NJ would be March of 2009. Throughout this process, I have learned and continue to learn so many things. One of these is the fact that time does go by quickly and it is what I do with that time which counts. Once again ideally being with my wife and children is my number one priority. Unfortunately, I don’t have the option to join them in NJ when I am released. My wife has the option whether or not to rejoin me while I am on parole. I would rather not bounce the children across the country and I do believe they need consistency. If my wife makes the decision to remain in NJ while I serve parole then I will have to wait to be with them. My incredible wife has been by my side ever since I broke the awful news to her almost three years ago. There are two things my wife said that stand out in my mind. The first thing was when I told her “We will get through this together.” The second thing was on the day of sentencing, “I will wait for you.” We are getting through this and a new beginning awaits very shortly. For all intents and purposes, my wife is waiting and due to my parole conditions she may have to wait a little longer.

I guess saying that my wife and I have been through a lot could be construed as an understatement. I am doing everything in my power to ensure something remotely close to this horrible incident ever happens again. I have finally found peace of mind and can’t wait to share it with my wife. My thoughts are constantly with her and today – being her birthday – I have thought about her every minute.

I was hoping to speak with my wife today and wish her a happy birthday. I know her sentiment is that today is just another day. It is not just another day because if this day didn’t exist I would have never met my wife and my life would be empty. I tried unsuccessfully to utilize the Bail Bonds Company for the telephone call so I did place the very expensive collect call to my wife. As I called, my daughter answered and she was able to get through the machinations to connect the telephone call. I always love hearing my daughter’s voice and I swear she is wise beyond her nine years. She informed me that my wife wasn’t at home but should be home shortly. I talked at length to both my children. These are wonderful children and my wife continues to do a magnificent job raising them. My son also matures with each telephone call. As we continued to talk it became apparent that my wife wouldn’t make it home in time. My daughter was very anxious for my wife to come home as she kept peeking out the front window. I didn’t want to call back due to the expense so I told my daughter to wish my wife a happy birthday and to give her a big hug and a kiss for me. I am sure my daughter relayed this message. I didn’t have the opportunity to speak with my wife today so Happy Birthday! I love you so very much! Whatever is the case next year, I do know I will at the very least speak with my wife. The days of very expensive collect calls and being able to call on specifically designated time slots will be behind us.

My wife is special in everyway imaginable. I have missed so much in the past 17 months. I can never get this time back. I cannot dwell on the lost time and lost special days. All I can do is concentrate on today and today is a very significant day in my life. The person who is beyond special to me was born today some X number of years ago and I am forever grateful. My wife has always been a blessing and continues to be a blessing in my life and I love her with all my heart. When I proposed to my wife, I didn’t merely ask her to marry me, I asked her to spend the rest of my life with me. That was over 16 years ago and nothing has changed. Sure we have been physically separated throughout this journey, but I still feel connected to her and will always feel connected – no matter how many miles separate us.

Happy Birthday, Sweetie~ I love you!