Harlan Coben

I’ve been reading Harlan Coben’s FADE AWAY and it is another novel in the Myron Bolitar series. I reached a very interesting passage where one of the characters speaks of a “gamble – a - holic”. Coben wrote, “He had pretty good luck for a long time. That’s a bad thing when a man has the itch. When his luck changed –as it must in the long run- he kept thinking he could win it back. They ALL do.” He went on further, “It’s as bad as alcohol or heroin. They cannot stop themselves. In some ways, it’s even worse. People drink and do drugs to escape despair. Gambling has that element, too, but it also offers you the friendly hand of hope. You always have hope when you gamble. You always believe that you’re just one bet away from turning it around. It’s a catch twenty two. If you have hope, you keep gambling. But with gambling there’s always hope.” This is a fairly accurate portrayal of a compulsive gambler and it is a fairly accurate portrayal of me a little while ago. Thankfully, because of recovery, I know so much better. There is no hope if I were to gamble again. I was most certainly hooked on gambling and the hope but there was so much more than what Mr. Coben wrote. Make no mistake, I am a “gamble-a-holic” through and through. I have dug unbelievably deep holes and this has lead to my current situation of being in prison.

It is odd with my story that my first bet at the racetrack did in fact win but when I moved into sports betting my first five selections were all losers yet I was hooked from the beginning twenty six years ago. The Cliff notes version of my story can be summed up in one word “denial”. I denied the fact that I am a compulsive gambler until the very real prospect of losing everything occurred. I saw what I have termed as the loophole as a way to propel my gambling fantasy. I had access to what seemed like an unlimited amount of money but this only added to my illusion. My thought process was severely clouded by my gamble-a-holic ways and gratefully those days are gone.

I found this passage very poignant because gambling left untethered is very destructive as I am a prime example as my life became unmanageable. The key for me is recovery as this is something that never ends. I have never seen or heard of a recovered compulsive gambler. A true compulsive gambler is what I am and now I am a compulsive gambler in recovery. I cannot fool myself into believing I am recovered and therefore don’t need recovery. I know how that would turn out which is why I choose to be in recovery. I fought it for my entire adult life. I do remember several times when I went back to “innocent” gambling after my first two downfall’s saying to myself, “ I can handle this.” When in fact I couldn’t and yet fooled myself. I was a complete and utter conundrum when it came to gambling. I found a career in the gaming industry for 12 years. I thought this would satisfy my need to gamble but only gave me further justifications. I knew the odds were a losing proposition for every casino game so I honed in on sports betting which had the lowest winning percentage for the house. The key phrase is that previous sentence is “winning percentage” which means the house still wins even though it is lower than any of the other casino games. I did my best to “professionalize” my sports betting but in reality it just became more compulsive gambling. I needed more and more action with higher stakes. I was never going to have that big win because for me I don’t even know what that means! Conceivably, I could have just stopped and walked away from the wagering, but I was never capable of doing that until I was finally exposed.

I am going to make a lousy segue into one of the tools of my recovery which is this blog. I was talking to my roommate the other night about this blog. I have to add there has been much too much unnecessary drama regarding this blog which I have yet to write about. I’m not sure if I will ever disclose this drama but it really had been unnecessary. My roommate brought up a salient point as I was telling him why I maintain this blog and why it continues to be published. I gave him the reasons and he very eloquently stated, “It is safe to say that the blog is a way of checking yourself.” This is so true because for so many years I lied to everyone including myself which led to my downfall. Now in recovery, I am based in honesty and maintaining this does keep me in check. I have gone two years, ten months, and six days without making a wager which is certainly a positive. However, more impressively thanks to recovery and the GA Program my life continues to get better and I have so much hope without the aid of gambling.

This ties back into what Mr. Coben wrote and it is a contradiction for one me – the compulsive gambler – in recovery. I have hope as long as I am in recovery which requires abstinence from gambling. Hope is obliterated when the first “innocent” bet is made which is why I choose recovery every time. I do need to be mindful daily, hourly, and every minute. At some point in the future I will return to a “normal” way of existence – this is where it will be the most dangerous for me. Right now and really for the past almost three years the thought of gambling repulses me because I know the consequences are very real. Somewhere when that normalcy returns the consequences may fade somewhat which is why I need and want a recovery program in my life. I screwed things up on my own and in the past almost 3 years, I have had so much help and it has been wonderful. I don’t have to face this addiction alone and have not. Another bad thing for me would be to think I am smarter than my addiction which I certainly am not. I have given up my addiction to my Higher Power and know I am powerless which is why I need assistance. I have found this assistance and my life is working out for the very best.

I couldn’t help but to think these things as I read those words. I certainly know oh too well the mind of a “gamble-a-holic” because that is what I am. However, even though this will always be in my mind through recovery I am becoming the person I need to be which is a thoughtful, kind, caring, honest person. I can’t go back and erase my mistakes. I can only live for today while learning from those mistakes. I choose to live positively and know everything is going in the right direction.