"Bizarro"

There have been plenty of dull moments in the past 17 ½ months but for the most part those dull moments have passed quickly. This especially has been the case since I arrived here at camp over 7 months ago. I have now been here longer than any other stop on this destination and I can positively say the time is moving along.

The first part of my journey started in the county jail and those 30 days seemed like an eternity back then.
I moved from there to the reception center in Delano where I resided for 10 weeks that went a little faster than the previous stop.
From the reception center I moved on to Jamestown where I spent 7 months. I molded a very good routine and that time went by very quickly.
Now here at camp I have an even better routine and on the weekends I have been able to receive visits. Also, I was able to have two family visits – one with my children – and one with only my wife. I have 50 some odd days left on my sentence and I have certainly hit the home stretch. I continue my routine and even in those dull moments I have never said I wish this would end. Invariably, the day passes and starts up once again.

This has been the case the past few months. The holidays interrupted the routine a bit but even those days went by remarkably fast. As I came to the end of this journey, I am very grateful for everything. My post prison days are coming together very nicely as I have a place to live along with a car and a job. I have no doubt everything will continue to workout and hopefully I will be rejoined by my family shortly. Hopefully ~ Whatever is meant to be will be as I know this has been the case all along.

Last night I was talking with my roommate as I do every night. I was telling him about my misdeeds and filling in some blanks. As I recounted those misdeeds I realized I was one messed up fella! The risks I continued to take were insane. It is so strange looking back through recovery and really wondering what the heck I was thinking. The problem was I was not thinking, I was just doing. It was almost as if I were trapped in box and couldn’t get out without assistance. The problem being I did not know how to ask for help until I was caught. This is exactly how it had to happen in order for me to enter recovery. If I had gotten away with those misdeeds there would be another crash sometime in the future. All of the warning signs were all around me but I chose to ignore them. Thankfully, I no longer ignore the fact that I am a compulsive gambler and will always be one. However, I am now one who is in recovery and my life continues to get better each and everyday.

It is funny how my dreams seemed to be unleashed when I talk about my previous escapades. I had a fairly lengthy discussion with my roommate and my subconscious must have been working overtime. I had many dreams last night but I don’t remember specifics from any of them. I realized it is not good to relive the past but as the GA Program states it is okay to visit. I don’t do this often which is good but it is also good with the occasional visit. The past is what it is and cannot be changed. I must be mindful not to dwell but I am equally mindful to not ignore my past. There are so many lessons in my past and through recovery I continue to learn more and more about myself. I am grateful for this learning experience and know I have so much more to learn.

After all the dreams it was time to get out of bed and go workout. The big rainstorm is moving into the region and with it the temperature remained mild.

It was time for me to get my side of the room ready to adhere to another new regulation. Typically on Mondays there are room inspections and each room must be inspection ready. This has been taken a step a further as everyday appears to be an inspection ready day. It really is quite comical because it really isn’t anything like being in the military yet everything must be squared away. I think this is the goal but I know I fall very short. I just take my excess items (papers, pads, books and pens) and shove them into my locker only to take them out a few hours later. I believe I understand the concept but it seems in practice this doesn’t work out as it is intended. It does put a little smile on my face as so many other incidents like these do as well. Everything does go back to an episode of “Seinfeld” and truly this prison experience is “bizzaro-world.” I have sort of gotten used to it as I am more numb than anything. However, there are still occasions where I just shake my head and laugh to myself. Make no mistake coming to prison is no laughing matter but certain incidents just can’t be explained because it is “bizzaro-world.”