Comings and Goings of Camp Life

Last night marked the end of the weekend, and with it, I only have seven weekends remaining. It is fairly accurate to say I am counting down the days. I try not to focus on the number of days I have remaining, but I do find this difficult. I really can’t wait for February 27th so I find myself counting down the number of days. As of right now, I have 51 days and one wake-up remaining. The last day of February does not count in my calculation because that is the day I rejoin the free world. I am breaking it down into numbers of weekends and days of the week remaining. It is much better to know I only have seven more Mondays remaining then 51 days. The time does go my quickly, but as I mentioned, I am fixated on February 27th.

It was the usual evening yesterday as my roommate and I listened to “60 Minutes” on the radio. The most popular story had to do with Roger Clemens who was named in baseball’s steroid report as someone who took steroids. Roger Clemens went on “60 Minutes” to proclaim his innocence, and I found the interview fascinating. I have no idea whether or not he is telling the truth when he states, “I have never taken steroids,” and he kept stating, “It didn’t happen.” Only Roger Clemens knows the truth, and it is not for me to judge. I do feel bad for him because it seemed like he was personally offended by these accusations, and really, there is no way to prove or disprove these accusations. It seems the court of public opinion has rendered its decision, and it is not in Roger Clemens’ favor. The other story was regarding the horrible assassination in Pakistan. The President of Palestine was interviewed, and he very boldly blamed Benazir Bhutto for getting assassinated. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing because Pakistan’s President (Musharef) stated Benazir Bhutto should share some of the blame of the assassination because she stuck her head out of the armed car when she should not have. This may very well be the cause but to lay blame for your assassination is preposterous. This part of the world is a powder keg, and hopefully, things do not escalate. I always find “60 Minutes” fascinating, and last night, the stories were exceptional.

As “60 Minutes” commenced, my roommate and I embarked on a conversation. The conversation started regarding a newspaper article on abusive relationships. The article was written by a clinical psychologist, and basically, the premise was to not render a person who is in an abusive relationship an ultimatum. The key concept was to be there when that fried or relative is ready to move out of the abusive relationship. I correlated this to addiction as an addict has to hit their “rock bottom” before seeking help. Unfortunately, no one except the addict or, in the case of the article, the person in the abusive relationship can make the decision to get help. There can be many interventions and all other forms of awareness, but if a person is not ready to commit to help, then it will never work. This can be seen in the Brittany Spears saga as it appears her family has tried to intervene. Even TV’s Dr. Phil has tried to intervene, but until Brittany, herself, commits to some type of treatment program, the problem will only get worse. I fear if Miss Spears does not commit herself to a recovery program things will go very badly, and I hate to say it but she might end up seriously hurt or even dead. This is the same scenario for the very talented Amy Winehouse who’s very famous song, “Ain’t Gonna Go to Rehab,” may be a self-fulfilling prophecy as problems continue to mount.

I can only reflect on my part as I had two very large wakeup calls and even a few minor ones I chose to ignore until the handcuffs were put on my wrist. I understand there have been others before and after me who still haven’t committed to a recovery program even when the handcuffs were put on them. I can only look around to see evidence of this first hand. Thankfully, I continue to commit to recovery, and I see my life getting better each day. I know it is a very difficult first step to admit you have a problem. No one wants to admit this, but for me, this was my only hope of getting better. I know I was so trapped within my own insane thoughts that I could not think straight, and I suspect this is the case with most addicts. Denial is so powerful, and one’s ego does get in the way. I don’t know what it will take to make Brittany Spears admit she has a serious problem and that help is available. Not only is help available, but if a serious commitment is made, I suspect her life will be much better. I know firsthand that life gets better in recovery, and I am eternally grateful.

Throughout the discussion with my roommate, I found myself retelling significant portions of my story. I do know I was incapable of just stopping myself and seeking help. I had to have it the way it has turned out, or I would probably still be doing it. I had a feeling of being invincible and being untouchable, which was so far from the truth it wasn’t funny. When it all came crashing down on me, I actually breathed a sigh of relief. A burden was lifted off my shoulders, and unfortunately for my family, this burden was put on their shoulders. Thankfully, here it is almost three years later, and that burden continues to be lessened each day. I suspect there will be so much joy and happiness in our lives as we are reunited that the burden will diminish altogether. I so enjoy having these discussions with my roommate because it keeps me in touch with myself, and I can see how far I have come. I can’t take that magic eraser and erase the events from my past. I don’t want to erase them. I only want to learn and move forward in a positive direction, which I believe is happening.

The discussion was over, and it was time to go to sleep. The rain was still falling as I went to sleep, and it was drizzling as I awoke. Since we took yesterday off, I had no doubt we would be back out there this morning. I couldn’t believe it was still raining, and I hadn’t experienced this much rain in a long time. In fact, this area has received so much rain it has exceeded the rainfall total of last year in the past 3 days. It does appear the drought for southern California is over, and we will probably have a wet winter. Wet winter or not, we were outside this morning working out in the puddles. It was once again a very good workout, and I enjoy exercising with my roommate.

As the workout ended, it was once again time to start the work week. This has been a familiar pattern for me, and it is all part of the comings and goings of camp life. Today being Monday and no holiday meant inspections would commence. There has been much ado about these inspections over the past few weeks and today would be the first real test. If today was the test, the camp (including myself) has a long way to go. I thought I was complying with the new rules, but I (along with everyone in camp) received a few “gigs” on the inspection. I had one book out of place, I had my jacket hanging on the coat hook on the wall, and I had a box of letters under my bed. As for the first “gig”, I thought we were allowed 3 books on our desk, which I had, but upon further inspection, we are allowed two on the desk and one on the shelf. I didn’t realize we weren’t allowed to hang our coats on the coat hooks. The coat hooks were removed from every room, and now, I have no idea where I will hang my coat. If the idea is to place the coat in our lockers, I have much rearranging to do because my locker is fairly full. Also, I guess the idea is to place the shoebox (which by the way is so full of letters I cannot close the top) in the locker. I may have to do some serious minimization in the coming days.

This inspection has put the camp in an uproar, and I do think it is sad because for the most part (or as far as I am concerned), everyone here is doing a good job, and I have not seen any major problems. I have been here over seven months and have not seen one fight. I cannot say that for the other three stops I have made on this journey. As far as prison goes, fire camp is the place to be. Sure, there are some issues but nothing to warrant the nitpicking of the inspection today. If the idea is to turn this fire camp into a “boot camp,” then by all means please communicate, but there appears to be too many mixed signals. It really is hard to keep track of what is and what is not acceptable because it is so much more subjective than objective. I have a little over seven weeks remaining, and I will continue to do what I done for the past year and one-half, which is to comply with the rules. This really is a good place to do time, and I will not mess that up. I do see issues with others, and really, all of this is unnecessary. I am not sure of the goal to all of this, but if I have to stuff my winter coat and my box of letters into my locker, I will do it with a smile. If not for anything else, days like today do shake up the sameness, and I suspect it will return to normal in a few days.